DORIS SPEAKS...

Re: Pope Washes Women's Feet on Holy Thursday

2013-03-30T12:22:00.001Z

Last Thursday I went to Church for my favorite mass of the year, Maundy Thursday.

On that day, Catholics around the world celebrate the remembrance of the Last Supper Jesus shared with His disciples. The priest in my local parish - like all roman Catholic priest around the world - washed the feet of twelve men - a symbolic gesture of servitude to your fellow man.

A day before that Thursday, the twelve men were randomly selected in the morning mass, during which men interested in having their feet washed were asked to stand up. A number of brave women to my delighted surprise sprang to their feet.

The men in church guffawed aloud at the ludicrousness of such an idea. "Did Jesus wash a woman's feet? He didn't have women apostles", one behind me snorted. They waved them back down like flies to their seats. The priest gently asked them to sit down. "It is not part of our tradition" he offered kindly, "when the Vatican approves of such a development, then I promise to wash your feet."

The next day, I was proper amused, and touched as the new Pope washed not only women's feet, but Muslims, all of them prisoners - to the surprise of many. The moral of his example is not merely about equality. I suppose it was a call to Christians to be of humble service to all and sundry - not just Jews, but Gentiles. Without reservation to gender, social status or creed.

I will ignore all those whispering about the damning consequences of such an act. And the snarly "oooh, look who has a foot fetish" jokes. All I know is that come next year, this Catholic is getting a proper holy water pedicure at mass!

Goodluck Jonathan, It's Time You Were Impeached - Joel Brinkley

2013-03-24T18:11:00.002Z

Well, well, well. Who is this new voice in the wilderness, the latest of many to fling in his 2 pence in matters regarding the governance of Nigeria? Apparently, Joel Brinkley is ~~an international amebo~~ the Hearst professional in residence at Stanford University and a Pulitzer Prize-winning former correspondent for The New York Times.

I suppose that gives him the clout to dig his nails into the crux of our everlasting national dilemma no?

Before you read this article I have so generously scooped from LA Times, I'd advice you to wear a level-minded cap free from bias, fear of treason or needless patriotism especially when (because they will) the korokoro facts begin to smart.

Just outside President Goodluck Jonathan's office sat 17 ambulances, just in case he or one of his aides fell ill. They were seldom if ever used.

No actual health-care facility nationwide had as many, and in fact a few still have none at all. But as soon as a Nigerian newspaper took a photo of the ambulances and published a story about them, they suddenly disappeared -- probably to an underground garage.

Jonathan is president of Nigeria, which should be among the world's most prosperous nations. After all, it produces an estimated 2.4 million barrels of oil each and every day. With oil now selling at $93.61 a barrel, that's $224 million in income daily. And yet many hospitals can't afford to buy an ambulance. The reason, in my view: Nigeria is the most corrupt nation on earth.

Sure, Transparency International lists almost three dozen states as more corrupt -- Chad, Haiti, Laos, Yemen, Cambodia and the like. But are any of those nations as wealthy as Nigeria -- taking in $81 billion annually, just from the sale of oil? No, not even one of them. So Nigeria steals and squanders more money than any other nation, making it the world's most corrupt, by that measure.

Nigerian journalist Musikilu Mojeed finds all this so discouraging.
"With its geopolitical power, economic resources and middle class," he laments, "no country (with the possible exception of Saudi Arabia and Egypt) has the power to change the course of black/African civilization like Nigeria." After all, Nigeria is Africa's most populous state -- and large, twice the size of California.

So Nigerians are living an opportunity squandered -- particularly now. Egypt is in turmoil. In just the last few days, in fact, many Egyptians have been calling for a military coup -- anything to rid the state of its widely despised Muslim Brotherhood government. And a new report by the World Economic Forum ranked Egypt the least safe and secure tourist destination among 140 tourist nations evaluated.

Egypt has lost its place as the Arab/African worlds' leader, and Saudi Arabia never had it. So for Nigeria, the time is ripe. But its leaders seem interested only in stealing the state's money to make themselves rich beyond imaging. Think about it: $81 billion a year just from the oil, while most every local government official still tells his people the nation just doesn't have enough money to fix the roads, schools or hospitals. (Roads are in such terrible shape that government officials generally travel any distance by helicopter.)

And Nigeria's people -- well, they are as mistreated as any on earth. In only nine nations -- among them Liberia, Sierra Leone and Somalia -- do more mothers die during childbirth. And in only 10 states, including Chad, Afghanistan and Zimbabwe, is the average life expectancy lower. Right now the average Nigerian's average life span ends at 52. That may be why the median age of Nigerians is just 18.

A few months ago, the Economist Intelligence Unit published an evaluation of the best places for babies to born in 2013, given their probable welfare as children and the chance for a safe, comfortable, prosperous life. Switzerland, Australia and Norway were the top three. The United States came in at 16th, largely because "babies will inherit the large debts of the boomer generation."

Dead last: Nigeria. "It is the worst place for a baby to enter the world in 2013," the report said.

Even with all that wealth, only just over half the population has access to clean drinking water, and one-third to a toilet, UNICEF says. Two-thirds live below the poverty line. Only one child in four who contracts pneumonia is given antibiotics, and only about half the population is literate.

The CIA also cites endemic "soil degradation; rapid deforestation; urban air and water pollution." All this in a county whose gross domestic product stands at $236 billion a year, in the same league as Denmark, Chile, Israel and the United Arab Emirates -- prosperous, successful states to be envied.

Goodluck Jonathan is certainly aware of all of this. After all, taking the oath of office, he swore to "devote myself to the service and well-being of the people of Nigeria. So help me God."

Well, just last week he demonstrated who he really is and what he stands for when he pardoned a former state governor who'd been convicted of embezzling state funds and laundering the money. That pardon triggered a broad, angry uproar.

Good luck, Mr. Jonathan. It's time you were impeached.

***

So, do you find he speaks the plain gospel truth that many of us citizens and media professionals have swept under the carpet?

Or is the West once again plotting to poison minds so as to finally find room to move in and destabilize the oil-rich giant of Africa, much like Libya, Mali, Sudan and Congo?

Over to you.

Chinua Achebe: A Legacy of African Beauty

2013-03-22T22:41:00.000Z

“If you don't like someone's story, write your own.” ― Chinua Achebe.

When I was a little girl, I loved drawing. I'd draw on every plain sheet and note book in sight. My primary school Math text books were regular victims - much to my parent's chagrin. I enjoyed drawing images of girls, preferably royalty. These girls usually had very long wavy hair, thin noses, waists so tiny they could hula hoop in a Cheerios ring. They wore frilly frocks with sweet heart decolletages adorned with heavy ruffles at the hem lines.

Yes, they where fair-skinned princesses. My imagination was principally fueled by the books I enjoyed reading. I learnt my first letters reading Janet and John, Disney fairy tales and Lamb Tales from Shakespeare - when I got older. Enid Blyton's series of Malory Towers, Famous Five, St Clare's and the fantasy tales of The Magic Far Away Tree made me long for the distant unknown. Sweet Valley High explained the adolescent capabilities of the Western world. These books and the women in them informed my imagination of female beauty and power. Women there were genteel yet daring. Otherworldly women who ate apple tarts, puddings and berries.

African women didn't feature much in these stories - if ever, we were spoken of in condescending or derogatory deference and never really described. My canvas was empty.

It wasn't until I began to read more intently books such as Chinua Achebe's Things Fall Apart, Elechi Amadi's The Concubine, Onuora Nzekwu's Eze Goes to School, Chukwuemeka Ike's The Bottled Leopard, Amos Tutuola's The Palmwine Drinkard and many others that I had a sudden break-through in my psyche.

Elechi Amadi's Ihuoma was a graceful gap-toothed beauty with smooth skin that shone like polished dark oak. Simbi from Ali and Simbi had the same uncomfortable isiowu hairstyle my mother made me wear to school and Chielo, the Priestess of Agbala was a powerful figure to be reckoned with in Things Fall Apart. Scratching below the surface, I realized that the women in Achebe's novels had an acute sense of duty that made them almost as powerful as their male counterparts. They were fierce custodians, nurturers and goddesses. At a basal level, I came to realize these were women I could very well relate to. Women with strength and courage and a deep sense of culture who looked like me and were described as beautiful!

Perhaps there was more to beauty than the thin-nosed sandwich-eating damsels in distress. These familiar dark-skinned paragons spoke my language, ate overnight fufu and had characteristics that were actually recognizable in people I saw daily! It gave me an African perspective of beauty other than that which the amazing British Classics had allowed me.

It was not about whose culture was more superior, or what shade of skin was more beautiful. It was really realizing that we could exist in a literary narrative where we did not have to make excuses or explain to the world who we were and why we did what was natural to us as a unique community. The mental image of African beauty was an unapologetic contrast to anything I had ever imagined. It literally set fire to my mind, bursting out in vivid colours to the black and white sketches on my Maths text books. There was, younger Doris mused, a possibility that she could someday be beautiful too!

Yes, this is what African Literature at first did for me, as petty and pedestrian as it sounds - it respectfully talked to me about me. I could finally appreciate my kind - for all that we were and are like. We were in the picture.

And this is why every African should be grateful to prolific authors like Chinua Achebe, Cyprian Ekwensi and co. for this almost subconscious transition in the perception of ourselves. Obviously, what legends like Achebe did was tell not just us, but the world the quintessential African story from an African perspective. Chinua Achebe was one of the first few to create a legacy of African beauty.

He opened the doors to other narrators like Ngugi Wa Thiong'o, Zulu Sofola, JP Clark, Wole Soyinka, handing over the responsibility of carving out our generation's knowledge of ourselves using the the powerful tools of story telling and narration. In essence, they penned down our famous oral tradition. We had a voice, we had a culture, we had a say, we had a face - and it was strong and beautiful.

Today, our generation has grown stronger in voice. Achebe and many like him have inspired so many authors such as Chimamanda Adichie, Sefi Atta and Nnedi Okorafor-Mbachu amongst others. These women in particular continue to keep the colours of African beauty and strength vivid in my mind. They continue to teach me about myself, making me more aware of my endless potentials and capabilities.

When I heard today about the passing away of Chinua Achebe, I was shocked by my own grief. My sadness overwhelmed by the fact that I was still reading his autobiographical novel There Was A Country. Finally I was getting to know the man personally. As the pages turned, he grew to become a dear friend, an opinionated witness to my history and a discontented Nigerian - and my respect for him grew.

He was to me like a living symbol of Africanism to be dusted up once in a while and revered in silence.

He made me proud to be African, to be a Nigerian who loves to read about Nigerian traditions. A reader who someday hopes for the courage to write her own stories. He was much more than a writer - he was a tireless Igbo soldier, and in wielding his pen like a sword, he made me profoundly proud to be an Igbo woman.

Long Live African Literature.
Nwoke oma Chinua Albert Achebe, naa n'udo. Ije oma!

The Runz Girl Phenomenon - My Experience

2013-03-05T21:57:00.000Z

I've heard a lot about this runz girl business in certain parts of Nigeria. Who is a runz girl you ask? Simply put, she's a girl who engages in multiple social or physical relationships with men - usually much older - in exchange for a continuous flow of money and material gifts.

Naijarish Baby made this hilarious video which I assume is a parody on How to Become A Runz Girl

Pointing a finger at whom is to blame for such a disturbingly prevalent social behavior is as easy as figuring out which came first - the chicken or the egg. I had a personal experience that made me sharply aware of what is really going on and how such dalliances begin.

While waiting for my cab at the airport yesterday, I was accused of being stuck up and 'not free' by this not-so-young fellow in his fifties sixties. At the genesis of this acquaintance he had interrupted me on my iPod and quickly introduced himself as a non-Nigeria - A South African who according to him had the misfortune of being black and thus easily mistakable to be Nigerian.

I suspected I was supposed to be impressed by this information. The quickly went on inform me that he was the CEO of some company . I smiled and nodded - I wasn't really listening. After a polite conversation about who flew in from where, he asked how we could meet again.

"I'm sorry" I asked, with a half smile. "Meet? Why do I need to meet you again?" It was an honest question he wasn't expecting. I said I was regretfully disinclined. He smiled through gritted teeth like one who wasn't used to being refused.

Apparently unable to stomach short sweet answers, he insisted that it seemed I was quite 'uptight' and closed off to the world in a box. In other words, I was dulling. Au contraire - I corrected him - I'm quite a simple-minded woman who knows what she wants and doesn't and who questions the unclear - as I had just done with him.

I sensed he was inwardly agitated by my polite yet candid pleasantness and realizing he was making no head-way changed his tactics by trying to figuratively pat me on the head like a subservient little puppy. Which Western country dared to arm me with an education in wit? Where did I learn the word 'disinclined'?

He had unwittingly insinuated that Nigerian women were intellectually incapable and lacking in subtly expressive grammar construction.

By this time my patience was running on empty tank and I had quite frankly grown weary of the patronizing old fart. "Go home to your wife, old man", I said - a little too sweetly. Embarrassed by the fugitive stares around - a secret audience growing more interested in this unfolding drama, he quietly made a humble beeline for his awaiting tinted black jeep.

I must say I am both quite outraged and alarmed at the confidence with which he assumed that being a non-Nigerian and a CEO would instantly turn my knees to jelly. I realized that women had so badly devalued themselves in return for material wealth that a woman - any woman - was a devalued commodity that could be bought over by the mere mention of his nationality and job position.

As a broadcaster and friend of mine Wale Owolabi said, "Frankly your Nigerian sisters have done a spectacular job of erasing whatever sense of morality foreigners carried with them to our shores. Although I don't condone his actions, I know from experience he acquired this new braggado here in Nigeria after many women threw themselves his way."

It makes me wonder the sort of reactions he had gotten in the past. I suppose what I was more incensed by was his patronizing reaction when he received a reminder of what a woman with some semblance of dignity is like. Nigerian women, we need to take back our dignity, we need to take control of our future and be responsible for ourselves.

Yes, it's terrific to get gifts. I love them myself! But you don't need to have what you can't afford. You don't have to possess what you don't need - for appearance sake. Be content with what you have! There is beauty in simplicity. Most of the girls I've met with iPads don't even know how to maximally use them. It is not another man's responsibility to buy everything. What do you need all that money for? Are you building a house in your village?

This runz girl phenomenon has made a prostitute of the average girl- and apparently it has become the norm. We can not afford to have this as an acceptable social tradition- the young are watching and learning. Let us say it as it is and call it what it is: it is prostitution.

My father armed me with an education so I can take care of myself. Work hard and party harder. I'm not saying I'm perfect - far be it I assure you! I'm taking a moral stand-point from the point of a woman who has seen and felt the international reputation of what it is to be called a Nigerian woman these days. It is a collective image - and it is not pretty.

If sleazy married men will not have respect for their wives and selves, we should at least have some self respect and out-value ourselves from that kind of market. Let no one EVER assume you to be cheap meat to be bought on the side.

Introspection: We're In An Abusive Relationship

2013-02-23T21:01:00.000Z

We're in an abusive relationship, God and I. But we are happy together.

It is - I'm aware - quite a peculiar fashion of affection, but that's what it sometimes feels like. And I'll explain.

I hurt Him a lot, and frequently. I'm trying to be a better woman so I apologize - a lot, hoping He forgives all the time, no matter what. I call on Him anytime anywhere at whatever odd hour of the night I feel like. I demand His attention, His help, His love and His opinion and at my whim, I expect Him to hear and answer with alacrity. When He doesn't, I pester Him like an only child in a toy shop till He succumbs to my supplications.

He must listen!

He must hear!

He must answer!

Every call is an emergency

My fixer on speed dial

Like the woman I am, I poke Him, harass Him, plague him with my most random thoughts and flimsiest of desires. I don't care if He is busy with more important chores - like saving humanity from constantly trying to self-destruct. I don't care. I am priority and must always be.

He in turn seems to enjoy a twisted sense of humour in my affairs: I plan left, He redesigns right - just because. I want one spoon, He gives me ten thousand forks and tells me to learn. I want rice, He provides the finest plain basmati, omits the stew and says I should be more specific next time. And when I throw a nasty tantrum, He smiles and tells me to carry my cross and follow Him.

"Where exactly is this damn journey leading me", I grumble grumpily stumbling behind. He never lets me see the Google Map of my destiny - this unending spiral of a journey.

And many times, He throws rocks on my path and says it's to open my eyes and strengthen me. I mean, who does that!?

"Go on Doris, what are you waiting for? Curse God and die", says the voice on my left shoulder. But when I think of all the good times we've had, and all the wonderful gifts He has and continues to lavish me with everyday, it is clear no one does me good like He does. Quite simply, no one has given me this much attention, ever. No one can care so deeply enough to both frustrate and amaze me in one breath.

"Steel can only be fortified in a furnace", says the right shoulder. Coming to think of it now, inspite of all, he has always stayed by my side, and I have indeed been priority - it is an overwhelmingly meticulous level of dedication we're talking about here. And that's why I cling tight, because in the end He loves me and I love Him right back.

It's a free use-and-abuse policy like no other.

Point-based System Women Use In Evaluating Men

2013-02-22T23:28:00.000Z

Some say the key to a woman's heart is not exactly a key, but much like say, a visa. And it's awarded via a strict point-based system to the meritorious male. I had a good cackle reading this post from some fella who had posted it on Facebook. And now I'm sharing, and asking if it is indeed true!

Photo courtesy Photo stock

SIMPLE DUTIES

~ You make the bed (+1)

~ You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

~ You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

~ You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)

~ ...In the rain (+8)

~ ...But return with Beer (-5)

~ You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)

~ You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

~ You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

~ You pummel it with iron rod (+10)

~ It's her pet (-50)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

~ You stay by her side the entire party (0)

~ You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)

~ Named Tina (-4)

~ Tina is a dancer (-10)

HER BIRTHDAY

~ You take her out to dinner (0)

~ You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)

~ Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)

~ And it's all-you-can- eat night (-3)

~ It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can- eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite football club (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

~ You take her to a movie (+2)

~ You take her to a movie she likes (+4)

~ You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

~ You take her to a movie you like (-2)

~ It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)

~ You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE

~ You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

~ You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

~ You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)

~You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

THE 'BIG' QUESTION

~ She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]

~ You hesitate in responding (-10)

~ You reply, "Where?" (-35)

~ Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION

~ When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)

~ You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

~ You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

~ She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep with your eyes open (-10000)

Is this true or true?

CNN's Christina Amanpour Vs Goodluck Jonathan - Round II

2013-02-05T23:15:00.001Z

I was in Lagos about a week ago, on the day Christina Amanpour interviewed Nigeria's President Goodluck Jonathan on CNN. There was a heated buzz in the sociosphere and I was slightly apprehensive but altogether keen to watch my gentle soft-spoken president battle through the no-nonsense Amanpour.

I hear he said Nigerians are happy with the new and improved power situation in the country. The thing is, I couldn't watch the interview myself as well... there was no light. We hadn't had a wink of electricity for nearly 24 hours straight.

I hear it was a hot somewhat embarrassing mess. Days later, Amanpour (as I knew she would) had done a follow up investigation to our president's claims. Thankfully they came to humid Lagos.

Reactions to this video have been varied. Many on FB seem to feel she is 'wicked', unforgiving, mean-spirited, disrespectful to our nation and a witch-hunter and have gone on to express in colourful terms where she should go. Some even allege the interviews with the Lagosians were scripted. This is where I come in.

Nigerians - I feel - suffer a deep false sense of patriotism - and that too at the wrongest of moments.

We get unnecessarily defensive when the world calls us out on our own koro-koro BS. Clearly, many do not understand the role and influence of the international media. Is it that we have become so accustomed to power failure that we have forgotten we have a BASIC right as Nigerians to 100% 24-hour full-current electricity? To safe accessible water, to the best education can offer, to basic ready and straightforward health care.

There is no reason why we should feel satisfied, grateful or content with 'a little better than before' power. It is your right! It is my government's sole responsibility to deliver and not in halves. Do we not have any clue how incredible it is for the rest of the world to wrap their heads round the idea that such a wealthy populous nation that has the capacity to fuel and power the entire west African region suffers from inconsistent epileptic power stagnation because of selfish leaders and so-called cabals?

If we truly understand what level of crises we are still stuck in while the world progresses, then we would be grateful to specialists like Christina Amanpour and other int'l news teams whose tireless barraging embarrassment and harassment have encouraged the fall of dictatorships and eras of peace talks and revolutionary changes in other nations. This is what our local journalists have been too afraid to ask pointedly about, this is a phenomenon my generation has not seen possible yet.

If this sort of public global disgrace is what it will take to make our leaders egotistically strive to prove the world wrong by giving us what we the people have been crying about for decades, then we should be praying and fasting that Amanpour and the the likes smite us with disgrace, and that we may never recover. As at the time of writing this article today, for the first time since I landed in Lagos two weeks ago, I have experienced close to 20 hours of electricity in one day- albeit intermittently interrupted.

A furtherance of this habit could spell the birth of great possibilities and new enterprising beginnings. It could mean more foreign investments finally racing down to us. It could exponentially step up our standard of living. For as long as this bulb shines, it could be our grass to grace story.

So, to the myopic conspiracy theorists and offended chorus of tag-along war-criers, if you're truly desperate for something to be patriotic about, please go and lend your support and voice to the Super Eagles!

Nigeria: The Blackberry Dumping Ground?

2013-01-30T20:30:00.000Z

BlackBerry has today launched two brand new phones in what has being described on BBC World as BlackBerry's last chance at a comeback.

CEO of BlackBerry Thorsten Heins, unveiling the new Blackbery z10 and Q10 respectively.

Thorsten Heins, CEO of BlackBerry unveiled the nay anticipated Blackberry Z10 and BlackBerry Q10 which has in comparison to the buzz of iPhone and Google franchises proven to be as excitable as an inverted toenail, but not as memorable.

So, I'm curious. Why does it seem like everyone here in Nigeria is hair-flippingly possessed by some false sense of accomplishment with the idea of owning what clearly is the dinosaur of the Tech world?

Even the new BlackBerry 10 models will need to make massive leaps and bounds to catch up with the iPhone and Android smart phones. What more, analysts are doubtful that they will be able to at some point meet up with the rest of the smart phone market who as we speaks keep advancing already sophisticated hardware. Even Heins in his launch speech was doubtful and delicately tentative.

No surprise the struggling company hoping to make a humble comeback tapped into the gullible densely populated Nigerian market. Having been written off by the rest of the world, their last hope lies in these new models. The rest can make its way to Africa. Which again brings me to ponder what kind of dumping ground they assume us to be.

Yes, poor Africa - the dumping ground of the world. China, Taiwan, America. Nations aspiring to swap their fuel guzzling cars with eco-friendly Prius' deport their seconds and leftovers straight here. The latest being the BlackBerry. How they were able to make it a must-have FAD, I will never know.

But somehow, while their stocks dropped from nearly $150 in 2008 to $15 in 2012, the market exploded in Nigeria. Suddenly, everyone had to have an BlackBerry or literally die trying. In 2010, 20% of all phone bought in the global mobile market were Blackberry. By the end of 2011, it crashed to 2%, your guess is as good as mine who the 2% was.

But to think that people have stared at me in confusion and half-pity when I tell them I don't have a BB pin or BlackBerry is tragic. They can't understand how 'a big girl like me' doesn't have a BB to be 'pinged' with - whatever that means.

Ever since I landed in Nigeria a week ago, I've been desperate to transit into a mobile network that would allow me the comfort of the 600 free minutes, free text and unlimited internet access I am accustomed to with my Google smartphone in London. I've so far been devastated with the knowledge that mobile internet data is costed in MBs and GBs. I have had to learn the value of these in relation to time and elements in web browsing.

Perhaps what was more distressing was learning that it is only the BlackBerry market that offers a dead cheap monthly unlimited data plan. And so I have found myself tearfully considering my options.

The first time I played about with a friend's BlackBerry, I considered hanging myself by my own tonsils. Yet for all of my gentle dislike for BlackBerry, it appears to be my one and only true path to mobile salvation in Nigeria. It's a matter of which model is more bearable.

Talk about swapping a Bugatti Veyron for a Datsun.

Fine, I over-exaggerate. Maybe. Not.

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Introspection: Lessons I've Learned From 2012

2012-12-31T12:00:00.000Z

I have learned a great deal from life this year. Each year I get older, but some years I cook faster than others. This year I have been a humble student, and life a capriciously psychedelic teacher.

I've learned that everything I need I have. And that I can live without anything I want. My wants and desires are immaterial to the wealth of person I am and hope to become. There is nothing like loss to remind us of what matters most.

So I've learned that all I need is here with me now, today. And that my needs are all I need really to live a rich and fulfilled life. And how to live without the fickle excesses of humanity and to differentiate my very needs from my wants. To see how so unimportant they are to the real things that matter in life.

I've learned to think beyond my understanding. To ask questions about my universe, and look outside the box that was my limited reality. To listen to the other person's story without bias, and weigh my opinions fairly. I've learned that cultural, religious and social diversity is what makes us as humans so beautiful and so fascinating and very special. And that our arguments, intolerances, idiosyncrasies and personal vindications are merely evolutionary traits in our specie's quest for dominance over ourselves. So I have learned not to judge my neighbor and yet be wary of our times.

I have learned to to value what I have, who I have. It's not how many friends but the quality of friendships you possess. I have learned to be supremely grateful for this gift, and to appreciate precious moments with people around me. To ask for honest and sincere forgiveness when I hurt, and to actually forgive before I am asked. I am slowly learning how to love my loved ones more, and in my own way pay attention to and value the time and affection they have for me.

I have learned to treasure myself more yet love myself less enough not to have any fear of life or death. To seize my life and live the moment so I do not regret the fun, crazy and exciting things I dreamed and planned to but never got around to actually doing. To do exactly as I please regardless of societal nooses and ideals, so long as it is pleasing to God.

God. I have learned a different kind of love from God altogether. A higher love. The one that comes hand in hand with pain and silent suffering. And I like a blade forged in the blacksmith's hearth, I have learned from pain. And in that, He has strengthened me, and given me immense courage. I have learned what it means to love God unconditionally, and why that is the only way to prove true loyalty.

I have learned what it truly means to give your life to Christ - and felt the terrible helplessness when he actually took it. In my moments of abject despair, I have never felt so alone, yet strangely so fiercely loved. And I am still learning how to let go - of all my selfish pride, all my sadness, my forceful will and all my meticulously detailed plans for my future. Because I have in the most practical ways possible, learned that it was never my blueprint from the start. It was all Him. Always has, and hopefully in 2013 and beyond, always will be - and for all these lessons, I am grateful.

May the Almighty bless and keep you safe this New Year. Happy 2013.

Love,

Doris

Five YouTube Channels That Will Make You Smarter

2012-12-25T17:28:00.000Z

Dear Reader,

Today I have a late Christmas present for you. But before that, I have a confession: I watch cat videos on You Tube. Guilty. I shamefully admit that I have crawled about in the slimy dank underbellies of social media websites wherein dwells creepy videos the likes of goats giving birth in reverse. Both out of boredom and a quest for the unknown, man will watch anything. And let's face it, you probably have too. In fact, surveys suggest that social media accounts for a whopping 18% of time spent online in the US.

Most of us visit YouTube for music, movies and the weird and wonderful randomness of human stupidity. This holiday season will no doubt breed at least a couple hours of sheer wanton idleness - I bear gifts of knowledge. In my quest for information, I have stumbled upon some truly worthwhile gems that I guarantee would make you a smarter person. So at the real risk of revealing my geeky side, here's a countdown to Doris Speak's top 5 treasured must-see-and-subscribe channels picked out specially for you from the festering gunk that is YouTube.

5. Minute Physics - Is it better to walk or run in the rain? Is there poop on the moon? What is fire? How far is a second? These are all physics-based questions on life that are answered on Minute Physics, and it's all done in a friendly, easy-listening way decluttered of all unnecessary jargon and laced with explanatory pictures and graphics illustrations. Really, what's not to love?

4. PBS Ideas Channel - Here's an idea, why not create a fun YouTube channel that examines the connections between modern pop culture, technology and art? That's exactly what the Idea Channel is all about. Presented by Mike Rugnetta, this is a must-subscribe for those with a healthy curiosity for today's digital and social experiences.

3. Vsauce - Curiosity sure hasn't killed these cats at Vsauce. They bring you weird inventions and gadgets with even more on the quirky wonders of life, such as why you have two nostrils, why yawning is contagious and why you laugh when tickled, amongst other peculiarities.

2. C. G. P. Grey - If you were one of those kids like me who loved illustrated novels and text books in school, then this is a channel you're sure to adore. Simply put, C. G. P Grey explains those simple questions you've always wondered about with pictures and text. It's light-hearted and sometimes humorous with a heavy dose of infotaining facts. From the A Brief History of Santa to the difference between United Kingdom, Great Britain and England to why we have Daylight Savings Time, you've got it covered.You can spend hours on this channel and come out a wiser person for it.

1. Crash Course - Run by geeky celebrity vlog brothers John Green - a highly accomplished New York Best selling author and Hank Green - a whiz Bio Chemist, astrophysicist and founder of VidCon. These guys have taken Video blogging to a whole new level. What began as two brothers deciding to communicate their lives only via video from Indianapolis to Montana grew to a You Tube sensation.

VlogBrothers has over 275 million views and more than 850,000 You Tube subscribers, including yours truly. The channel gave birth to the jewel that is now Crash course a year ago. And frankly, it is the lesson teacher I wish I had. While fast-talking and humorous Hank blows your mind on the what's, and whys of Biology and Ecology , John takes on World History and Literature, everything you need to know about Christopher Columbus, the Fall of the Roman Empire to How and Why we Read.

They are super intelligent, not afraid to be Nerdfighters and pack you with facts in a fun, uber friendly and down to earth fashion. Hank also has another really cool channel Scishow which is a more concentrated and thoroughly riveting version dedicated to the wonders of science. I can only describe these dudes with one word: Awesome.

Got any more amazing channels you'd like to suggest? I'd love to hear from you!

Don't forget to be awesome!

30 Questions For Nollywood

2012-12-21T13:17:00.000Z

So for the last couple of days, to cure a sudden attack of home sickness, I have taken to watching some Nigerian movies on irokotv.com, and I have a couple of questions:

1. How can a Ghost look left and right before crossing the road? Dem dey fear accident?

2. Why does the TV goes on by itself for the Breaking News and goes off by itself
after the Breaking News?

3. Why do all native doctors paint one eye?

4. Why must every advert start with a loud scream and end with 'Buy your copy NOWWWW'?

5.Why must every juju part be represented by lightening and thunder while sun is shining?

6. Every young man who arrives from overseas is filthy wealthy. True or False?

7. How can Segun Arinze be Ramsey Noah’s Father, any resemblance? Discuss.

8. Why will a Blind Person say; I am happy to see you?

9. Why is Jim Iyke always coming back from America and speaking in a fake American accent?

10. When will Pastor Ojolojo stop being a fake pastor?

11. Why is it that the characters die or run mad immediately after their confessions?

12. Epic Village Movie Set in the 90s still finds Mercy Johnson with Brazilian hair, how come?

13.How can 2 Billion Naira fit into a small Ghana-Must-Go bag?

14.Must all hired assassins be found in an uncompleted or abandoned building? Na their papa house?

15. Why must a film have Part 1, 2, 3. Return of The Film 1, 2 & 3. And The Same Film ‘Reloaded’ 1, 2 & 3? WHY?

16.Will a Yoruba movie ever be complete without a visit to a ‘Babalawo’?

17. Study; 9 out of 10 times, Olu Jacobs dies of heart attack in Nollywood movies, why?

18. “15 years ago” Ini Edo calls her boyfriend with a Blackberry Bold 5. How is this possible?

19. Why will the parents call their child 3 times and ask him/her how many time did i call you? Dem no sabi count?

20. When poor people come to Lagos to struggle dey always make it, if na so why poor people still dey Lagos?

21. When will Nollywood stop filming Home Videos and shoot its first movie?

22. Why are the translations in most Yoruba films always in direct translation? e.g; "Ta lo fun e loyun yi"... "Who gave you this pregnancy?"

23. Why does the soundtrack have to tell me what the moral of the movie is. e.g "Emeka be contenti ooo, 'greediness' is not good oooo, be content with what you have oooo. "

24. Why do all Nollywood movies have to end with to 'God be the Glory'? Is it a compulsory element in graphics?

25. How is it that the doctor can diagnose cancer, AIDS and internal bleedings just by checking the patient's pulse?

26. Must all bad girls and prostitutes smoke cigarettes? Does it mean all smokers are evil?

27. Explain, how is it that dead people breathe in Nollywood movies?

28. Why are all love scenes of the guy chasing the girl on a beach, the guy taking her shopping in a boutique or both of them eating ice cream in a Tantalizers? Na so 9ja love be?

29. Must he always declare his love for her during dinner, while she shovels hefty spoon fulls of fried rice into her mouth? Must he always propose mid-meal?

30. When will Pete Edochie stop dulling and release his own music album? We don wait tire.

Why You Should Think Twice Before Buying Human Hair

2012-12-20T09:50:00.000Z

Today I saw a Christmas bonanza on Facebook for 'authentic Iraqian hair'. Hiaan! Iraqian hair kwa? Girls are not smiling at all. This Christmas, onu gbajie boys or die trying!

Human hair is where I draw the line. I'd rather wear fiber to be honest.

Isn't it strange how insecure we African women have become? So much so that today, we would not only stop at blanching our hair with chemicals and sewing on synthetic fibers onto our skulls. There, at the most, is where I draw my line. But oh no, today women all around Nigeria and far beyond into the depths of Hollywood now find it of fashionable prerequisite to plaster on another human being's hair on their heads.

What is even more distressing is that we now live in a world where women grade each other's worth and influence according to the inches of human hair spiralling down from lace-woven heads. If you are one of those you-wan-try-my-Brazilian-hair, gbogbo bigz girls with original virgin Indian hair toh badt dot com things, welcome to Doris Speaks. Settle down, you might need a seat. Let me tell you a little story.

Earlier this year in June, I travelled to India, a delightfully earthy country bursting with colour and culture, renown for its romance movies and women with the most amazing shiny long hair. But as I journeyed to tourist attractions such as the India Gate in Mumbai, the Taj Mahal in Agra and the Amber Fort in Jaipur - places where locals from rural India visited on holidays - I noticed some fascinatingly peculiar folks.

The Taj Mahal, Agra

Amidst these women, men and children with absolutely enviable waterfalls of raven black hair were some who were shaven, bald. Some of the men and children seemed to have just a stump of hair at the center of their skulls reminiscent of the early century Egyptian royalties. Others, had none at all - shaven clean off.

So I did some investigation to find out who these strange-looking Indians where and why for heavens sake they had shaved off their beautiful hair. Turns out that these folks from South India shave their hair off for religious reasons. They give up their long tresses to the god of wealth and prosperity, Balaji as sacrificial offering casting off their sins, evil deeds, vices and vanities in the sacred Shri Tirupati temple - which might I add is the richest temple in India.

The temples receive these offerings along with the prayers and naturally, at the end of the rituals, the hair is either auctioned off on the internet, or inadvertently would makes its way to the trash where business savvy hair scouts dust them up, send it to a buying retailer who washes it and sends it to your supplier.

The sale of human hair, which the devotees offer to the presiding deity in fulfillment of their prayers at Tirumala, has turned out to be a rich source of income for the Tirumala Tirupathi Devasthanam TTD the sole custodian of the hill temple of Lord Venkateswara.The TTD earned a staggering $434million selling hair in the 2011-2012.

And just days later after you choke and throttle cash out of boyfriend and buy it with your thousands and thousands of naira, there you are prancing and preening about like an inflated peacock before your peers, huffing delightedly to whoever cares to listen about how superior you are for being able to afford sacrificial hair. In essence, you inherit the original owner's vanity plus all the wonderful spiritual jara.

But of course let's be realistic, not all the hair from India, Brazil, Peru are Bala-ji's offerings. Infact, if you're wearing Brazilian hair right now, you can heave a sigh of relief, as I gathered that a good majority of human hair from there comes from newly deceased men and women especially bodies of unidentified criminals and hobos about to be cremated or just generally chillin' in the morgues.

You see, over the years, this ridiculously increasing demand for human hair, especially from we African women discontent with our natural hair has spiked the hunt for Rapunzels willing to sell their locks for money. The demand is way beyond the supply, making the precious human hair as expensive as it is. And this incentive is why scouts are thinking outside the box, and bending over backwards, just to meet your hungry cries for another human being's filamentous outgrowth of dead cells. Or have you never wondered whose hair you're wearing? It could be anyone's; a horses', Balajis', a dead womans'. Fact is, you will never know the source.

Perhaps that Holy Water you hadn't thought to first sprinkle on it would be better served not on the poor journey-weary hair, but on your fickle vanity.

Hope you enjoyed the video and best of luck with your pastor.

Love,

Doris

P.s: I haven't put a picture of anyone wearing human hair intentionally. Make dem no talk say I use bad belle go spoil pesin Christmas market.

Introspection: Thieving in Billions

2012-12-07T16:03:00.001Z

Today I find I am quite weary. What with all the news of looting and mismanagement of Nigeria's funds, I'm in a tragic almost defeatist state of mind. Just yesterday I was slowly digesting with sheer disbelief the godlessness and temerity with which mouths have opened to request a total of up to 14 billion naira for the building and renovation of the Vice Presidents house.

The new official residence of Vice-President Namadi Sambo, under construction, is to cost taxpayers N14bn, if the National Assembly grants the fresh request for an additional N9bn for the project.

I was still flabbergasted with disbelief when today I heard about how 2.1 billion naira in one thousand naira notes have somehow grown wings and disappeared from the Nigeria Security Printing and Minting Company (NSPMC). Two billion naira unaccounted for in a 'tight-security' environment. I have also just heard about 3.3 billion naira spent by the President on foreign travel in 2 years on less than 20 international visits with a wedding feast-size of an entourage of about 116 merry-men.

All this in a country where the average man does not have access to safe drinking water, a good education, free basic health care and live under 2 dollars a day. I feel like weeping. They don't steal in millions anymore. Billions. Just two days ago Transparency International released a new index which placed Nigeria as the 135th most corrupt nation in the world out of 176 surveyed countries. And some people would say we are being witch-hunted by the west.

Nigerians are like me weary of these sorry stories of excesses which are sadly becoming rampant in a nation where the little man languishes in jail or even gets lynched for stealing food in the market, but the fat cats get away scot-free after gliding through publicly funded inquiry committees and wrist-slapping judges - if at all they are bothered.We know that after hearing about this in the press, the story will die a quick and sure death and it is all too distressing that incidents such as these happen.

I am worried you see, worried about the lackadaisical manner with which thefts are committed in higher places and how we are slowly but surely getting desensitized by dishonesty and day-light unabashed robbery. But most of all, I am worried about the overall impact of all this on the youth of the country.

We cannot secure a safer, more honest future for our children and ultimately the future of our nation when they are growing up in a society where this level of corruption is usual and unapologetic. A society where a sickeningly flamboyant life of squanderous and lavish profusion define what it means to be successful or worse, happy.

The few unsullied youth today are watching and absorbing these incidents. One day we will reach saturation point. Just like the French did in 1789, just like Tunisia in 2011 and Egypt and Libya. One day the rat will go to the market and never return.

Seven Things You Need To Know About The Tweeting Pope

2012-12-04T15:55:00.000Z

So His Holiness, Pope Benedict XVI is making history not just as the first Pope in history to tweet but the as the first to embrace social media in a way to encourage a more interactive discourse with his 'followers'. See what I did there?

Given that Popes in general are not known for their brevity and that Pope Benedict is particularly fond of writing vast theological papers of encyclopedic proportions, condensing his expansive volumes of homilies and teachings into 140 characters is a miracle I can't wait to witness. Before then, 7 things you need know about this papal tweeter:

1. The Pope will be tweeting under the handle @Pontifex, which if you ask me sounds pretty badass (and will be joining Maximus Decimus Meridius and Optimus Prime in my list of badass names). As he doesn't have a Facebook page, this is the first social media platform the papacy is venturing into. He will be tweeting in English and will have other Twitter branches with the French, German, Italian, Spanish, Portuguese, Polish, Arabic and eventually in Chinese versions. Followers can also #askpontifex questions on faith.

2. We all know that @Pontifex in effect has just opened himself up to some major Twitter trolls. So why has he decided to take the bait? "The Pope is taking to Twitter because the Vatican feels driven to respond to the growing number of defections from the Catholic Church in an ever more secularised Europe. He wants to reach out personally to millions of young Catholics in Africa, the fastest growing continent in terms of Catholic believers, and also in Asia and Latin America", says BBC's David Willey.

3. What will he tweet about? Well his new media department says that his twitter feed will be distilled versions of important speeches, homilies and significant documents.

4. Um...it's unlikely that the Pope won't be doing any actual tweeting himself. His aides will apparently be the ones doing the typing, so no you can't have a laugh-and-point moment in the hopefully unlikely scenario of a typo. He will though supervise every tweet sent in his name afterwhich the tweet will journey mechanically from a computer within the Vatican's Secretariat.

5. The Pope's tweets will not be infallible (they rarely do these days) as he will not be delivering any dogma via Twitter - which if you ask me, makes absolute sense anyway.

The dogma of papal infallibility, as defined by the First Vatican Council of 1870, states that a Pope - speaking "ex cathedra", or "from the chair" of Saint Peter, the first Pope, a metaphor for Benedict's position as official teacher of Catholic doctrine - is preserved from the possibility of error when, in the exercise of his office as shepherd and teacher of all Christians, he defines a doctrine regarding faith or morals to be held by the whole Church.

6. As of the time I wrote this, the Holy See has over 386,000 followers. Which is a steep tweet to follower ratio considering he hasn't yet sent a single tweet. Word on the street is that he plans to make his first tweet on December 12 around midday. His account is also managed by a web developer in California.

7. The Vatican has very few computers connected to the internet. These computers for obvious security reasons have their own intranet. Tweeting is a big new step for the Church in embracing today's digital world. Even the Pope in this year's World Communication Day address said, “In concise phrases, often no longer than a verse from the Bible, profound thoughts can be communicated – as long as those taking part in the conversation do not neglect to cultivate their own inner lives.”

Dear Online Bandits, Copy-and-Paste Ninjas

2012-11-29T19:32:00.001Z

Suck it up chums! It's time for some wrist-slapping.

I think it's great that more people in Nigeria now have blogs. It shows me that there is a yawning appetite for a more social and digital experience in the country. But the problem you see is that hardly anyone is writing.

What is it with this irritating copy-and-paste revolution that is sweeping through my news feed? If it's not a distressful picture of a man butchered to death, it's an inciteful picture of naked woman or a stolen article or news story that hasn't been attributed to its mother source copied word for word in bad, unparagraphed print.

Why aren't people original anymore? What happened to originality? What's wrong with having an opinion and actually writing about that story that caught your eye? A personal blog is not a dumping ground for other people's materials but an avenue where you can literally be yourself, have a opinion and lucidly share that thought with your readers. A blog is like a public diary where you consistently share your interests with yourself and whoever dares to read.

If you love fashion, instead of just copying pictures of badly dressed celebrities, you could par example do a daily/weekly Vlog (video blog) where you put together a look and tell us what you're wearing, comparing it to an in-style fashion trend worn by a known fashionista.

If you're a celebrity blogger, tell me who you saw where and what happened and how it makes your world go round. Radio Djs bloggers, write your niche and review the plethora of new music that keeps coming your way. Pull some of that on-air audience to your site. I'm sick and tired of badly pasted and punctuated 'Ten Signs to Make Him Love You' and '50 ways to Know If She's the One' shamelessly stolen from online magazines.

For those into current affairs, for heaven's sake don't just repeat news we've all heard on Twitter and New sites, be original and have an opinion. It's a blog not a news website. If it were a news website then your story should have been original i.e your exclusive.

Blogs are personal and you will find, hard to manage because of the demands of consistently creating fresh and original content. And that's why you should blog about something you're directly related to or are passionate about, so you can have a unique take and a tireless view on it. Content is KING.

I'm not just standing on this pulpit because I went through a fancy post graduate training on online journalism, but from the stand point of one who simply loves to read. I am a voracious information junkie and to me, it is highly infuriating and even more disappointing to say the least when I click a link to read what I assumed was going to be an insightful article only to see a rip off from Linda Ikeji or Bella Naija's society blogs.

These women are where they are today because when they first started (now even Linda does a fair bit of copying and pasting too), they put in a lot of time and effort into getting exclusive stories/pictures that no one else had or bothered to seek out. If you want that sort of respect, save me the distress of reading badly edited jargon and dig through your brain matter and develop a say worth mentioning. I thought that was what it meant to be a blogger.

p.s: Share this article; Save the world from bad blogs.... Oh and if any of what I have said struck a nerve too close to home, then this letter was indeed written for you.

Bunny thots,

Doris

"Sack 50% of Civil Servants": Before We Crucify Lamido Sanusi

2012-11-29T02:06:00.001Z

Central Bank Governor and Nigeria's own Prince of Darkness, (much like UK's Lord Peter Mandelson) Mallam Sanusi Lamido Sanusi is no newcomer to controversies.

Governor Lamido has always been vocal on his controversial ideas
on improving the Nigerian economy

His quick tongue has once again roused a pitch-forked war-cry by the NLC for his severed head on a spike since Tuesday when he suggested that the Federal Government slash a whopping 50% of all civil servant jobs during an Annual Capital Market Committee Retreat in Warri, Delta State.

It is quite a bold, uproar-worthy statement to make isn't it? He's the evil rich man talking down on the poor, hard-working civil servant who toils day and night for daily crumb. Heady from the heights of his wealth without a respectable clue of the sordid plight of the average man sweating blood to make ends meet, his solution to our troubles is to have more people fired? Yes, these are indeed viable and justifiable thoughts to think.

But before we crucify Sanusi, take time away from bristling with nearsighted indignation and you might see that Nigeria's Prince of Darkness might have more than a few valid points on how a more compact and less expensive system of government that would reduce overhead costs and provide more for you and me. According to him:

At the moment 70% of FG’s revenue goes for payment of salaries and entitlement of civil servants, leaving just 30% for development of you, me and 167 million other Nigerians. That means that for every naira government earns, 70 kobo is consumed by civil servants. Federal Government’s staff strength reduced by half would free up capital for infrastructure development in the country and buoy the economy.
You have to fire half of the civil service because the revenue of the government is supposed to be for 167 million Nigerians. Any society where government spends 70 per cent of its revenue on its civil service has a problem. It is unsustainable.
An alarming 25% of the overhead of the FG budget goes to National Assembly. Nigeria does not need over 100 senators, 400 members of the House of Representatives to make laws. When the expenses of lawmakers, civil servants and those in the executive arm of government are totaled Nigerians will find out that their national revenue has been consumed by the Executive, lawmakers and civil servants.
The various tiers of government should cut down their recurrent expenditure and use the fund to provide basic infrastructure like schools, hospital, etc. How can we be using the proceeds from our major source of revenue to service recurrent expenditure, by paying salaries, allowances, etc. The country should be thinking of enhancing its productivity base rather than spending on things that cannot create wealth.
There's a huge ‘wastage’ and mismanagement of funds on the maintenance of 774 Local Government Area chairmen, their aides, councillors and other appendages of the third tier of government. Do we really need 774 LGAs? Do we need 36 states some of which are not viable? why not just remove them and have only state governments?
There are state governors whose monthly allocations are barely enough to pay salaries. It is irresponsible to use all your money to pay salaries and wait for another month’s allocation and pay salaries and after four years, you would have done nothing.

Read full report

This is why I think Sanusi is not as mad as you might think. Yes, Nigeria's Civil service has created loads of necessary jobs for the average man. But it might shock you to realize that there are thousands and thousands of 'convenience' jobs created by the government and her hydra headed arms that are redundant and quite useless.

You might think I speak from the comfort of a Nigerian in diaspora, but do not forget that for nearly four years I was once a civil servant too with an unbelievably miserable paycheck for all the work I did. And within my corporation, there amongst hard working staff were to my visible eyes, dozens and dozens of people who came to work everyday to twiddle their thumbs, gossip and drink without having to do zilch but to pick up hefty paychecks at the end of the month. True story.

There are so many arms and branches and parastatals of the government with hundreds of thousands of unnecessary roles created daily by top dogs who funnel in ghost worker's salaries and slice off cuts from unknowing employee's salaries (and pensions) and use the numbers as an avenue to justify impossible budgets for their states and positions.

Last week I came across Bayelsa State's new political appointees list. Bayelsa State, created in 1996 with a majority of its inhabitants living in abject poverty, there are a mind-blowing 163 new political office holders. These include similar sounding roles such as Special Assistant to the governor on Health, Personal Physician to the Governor, Personal Physician to the Deputy Governor, Personal Stress Therapist (???) to the governor and dozens of special advisers on every imaginable matter, honorary special advisers and senior special assistants, Governor's special representatives for various matters.

See full list

There's even a Special Assistant to the Governor of New Media and Personal Assistant to the Governor on Photography. And this is a state that has a population of barely 2 million people! So lets do the math. Imagine each of these dudes got paid, say 5 million naira a year (and we all know that by a looong stretch they don't), multiply that by 163 = N815 million a year in salary for Bayelsa's political appointees. Using Bayelsa as a measuring tape, what about the rest of 35 states? = N20, 375, 000, 000 or we could just say N20.4billion.

Remember these are just the political appointees - the small fry of political office - no commissioners included, no ministers included, no senate included, no house of rep added, all with their brigades of escorts, special aides, advisers and bands of merry men. N20.4billion annually budgeted on salaries alone.

Governor Sanusi has never been the most diplomatic of people, and many times I have questioned his rationale on issues that have rocked the nation like his ludicrous proposal to introduce the N5,000 note in an economy he hopes to convert to cashless. In this new tirade, perhaps he could have measured his words and sought out other less offensive alternatives to cutting costs than sacking people. Really, is there no other way? Could he not have bee less insensitive?

Especially in these times of austerity when even more than ever, Nigeria faces the terrible scourge that has become youth unemployment. Because we all know that should his intentions be granted, it would be the hard working innocents without friends in high places whose financial heads would roll.

Truth is, even here in UK, the government has been chopping off public service jobs left, right and center. It has and continues to be an ongoing source of debate and protests as the axe wields closer to civil servants fighting to prove and justify how and why their jobs are relevant and non-interchangeable. But that is the nature of the recession-ridden economy.

In time pundits, naysayers and fence-sitters might agree with his far-fetched ideas. Far-fetched because there are oceans of bureaucracy waiting to drown them if of course the fat cats don't first gently stoke the fire that would cause the foraging mice to demand his head on a silver platter.

Nigeria 'Worst' Place To Be Born in 2013 - EIU

2012-11-22T16:49:00.001Z

The Economist Intelligence Unit (EIU), a sister company of The Economist, has created a quality-of-life index based on criteria such as wealth, security of lives and property, trust in public institutions, family health, income per head, life expectancy and a bunch of other indicators and projectors.

It's no surprise that small European economies such as Switzerland, Australia and Norway top the 80-man tables respectively. On the losers corner, surprise surprise, Nigeria is the worst place for a baby to enter in 2013. It's worse than Angola, worse than Vietnam, and by far worse than conflict-ridden Syria.

According to The Economist, "in all, the index takes 11 statistically significant indicators into account. They are a mixed bunch: some are fixed factors, such as geography; others change only very slowly over time (demography, many social and cultural characteristics); and some factors depend on policies and the state of the world economy."

Read full story

You can also find out more about the EIU's research methodology here.

Just two days ago, I wrote about the UN report that revealed Nigerians as one of the top 5 public defecators in the world. How seriously do and should we (Nigerians + Nigerian govt) take these damning and shameful independent reports and analyses?

Let the debates begin!

Introspection: Why Is It So Uncool To Be Christian?

2012-11-21T18:05:00.001Z

I was watching ITV's Take Me Out last night. For those who don't know it, it's a show where a single man gets to go on a romantic date with one of 30 single ladies providing they leave their white lights on during all the three rounds of wooing.

You need to have seen how most of the lights bled to red when during one of the rounds, this poor young Caucasian chappy divulged that he's a Christian. It was a turn off, literally. They would have reacted better if he pulled out a dead baby from his back pocket and slurped its brains with a straw stuck into its ears.

Hoping to salvage the situation, the lad went on to say that he was looking for a nice lass who would 'accept him for who he is' - that being Christian. I was a bit uncomfortable. Since when did being a Christian become so unsexy?

I thought the 'accept me for who I am' phrase was something you said when you have some sort of an anomaly or extreme wacky crazy tendency i.e if you were obese/had three missing front teeth/are The Hulk/had five arms or something. But I don't really blame the poor guy, that's how the society in the UK has made him feel - like someone with something akin to a social disability.

Being a Christian today in the UK (I speak only about where I know) is increasingly made harder by the day by bullies. There is a growing ridicule attributed to the idea of this religion. In the work place where wearing a crucifix or just being noted as Christian can prove problematic. In social spheres where crude Jesus jokes are made, Christians hoping to seem cool and fit in have to laugh along. For chrissake, it's just a joke about Jesus Christ, why so sensitive?

On ads with 'sexy' nuns wearing suspenders, priests and anointed men of the cloth, it's no biggie - just a bit of a laugh. In music videos by pop stars like Lady Gaga and Marilyn Manson and co. rip bibles and make lurid references to God's divinity. On television revered celebrities like Stephen Fry, Rick Gervais and Richard Dawkins in very vocal terms continue to be ungraciously offensive to Christians.

Christians of course are not the only ones who have to feel the brunt of this social conditioning which seems to alienate people. Muslims, Sikhs, Hindus, Buddhists and any other sect proclaiming an unconditional reverence to a deity suddenly becomes questionable and fodder for the next pub joke. Must religious congregations become bomb-strapped extremists and terrorists before you count your teeth with your tongue before speaking?

It is a slow (unconscious?) trend to look down on the Christian as one would an outcast. This is an indirect form of persecution. I have felt it, and it is not nice. Societies around the world (Africa not included -we are the extreme opposite!) I think are trying to peddle a distasteful image of Christians as uptight loonies, and sadly it's making Christians here overtly self-conscious.

Most Christians here wouldn't be caught dead praying before a meal with friends, reading their bibles on the tube, wearing a crucifix in a bar or praying their rosary on a bus. If you are one, prove me wrong. For young Catholics out there, try praying your rosary on the tube and observe the curious, half-confused glances that will swing your way. Why do these activities suddenly make a fun-seeking, active and excitable individual seem like 'one of those' and 'not in the mix'?

We respect the fact that the other majority don't believe in nothing or no one. Trust me, we find it just as ridiculous that you don't see God's presence in your life as you do in us believing that this entire planet was created in 6 days.

In spite of my opinions, I can handle your disbelief in peace. Can you handle yours without making snide remarks or making me feel that I'm retarded or uncool? I am just another flawed human who believes her life has a deeply spiritual purpose.

On my part as an African, my fore-fathers were joyously serving Amadioha when your know-it-all missionaries swooped into our 'jungles' to save us from eternal damnation. And now that I'm a full fledged Christian you try to sell me another story? Perhaps it's time we returned the favour.

Face it, no matter the direct or indirect oppression that the world will try, Christianity has over the centuries been there and done that. Whether we are thought of as cool or crazy, we're going to be hanging around till the end. How you deal with it is totally up to you.

Nigeria One of Top Five Public Defecators in the World - UN

2012-11-20T16:07:00.000Z

So this Monday was World Toilet Day, and with it arrived a malodorous piece of news. The United Nations has ranked Nigeria among the top five countries in the world with the largest number of people defecating in the open.

Not an unusual sight in Nigeria.

The report was delivered in Abuja by the UNICEF Communication Specialist, Geoffrey Njoku, who revealed that a staggering 34 million Nigerians defecate in the public but expressed hope that trends in the past five years allow for 'cautious optimism' that significant progress would be made in decreasing the number of people globally who relieve themselves in full view of the world.

Njoku noted it is estimated that diarrhea kills about 194,000 children in Nigeria under five every year while 240,000 more lives are lost thought respiratory infections.

“These are largely preventable with improvements in water, sanitation and hygiene,” he stressed.

Globally, UNICEF is supporting 50 countries including Nigeria to implement community approaches to total sanitation such as Community-Led Total Sanitation aimed at empowering communities to identify their sanitation challenges and take necessary actions to end open defecation.

I regret to admit it b public 'dumping' has sort of become an unsightly norm in certain parts of the country. Take Lagos for an example. I can name a couple of places where my eyes have painfully watered from sight and smell of a man crouched languorously at the edge a bridge or water canal, leisurely picking his nails while letting it all rip in broad daylight. Obalende, Iganmu, 3rd Mainland bridge, Apongbon are to mention a few sure zones.

We are not animals. It is easy to think so with such behaviour. But Lagos like most, if not all the states of the country is devoid of public toilets. None. Zilch. Nada. In the absence of those, the homeless, desperate and the shameless alike do what needs to be done - wherever.

For six years of my life, I attended a vastly expansive Federal boarding school in the middle of nowhere in Eastern Nigeria. We had no running water in the seven dormitories that housed roughly 240 girls each and had to journey to The Spring which was into what felt like the earth's core (but was just really 150 spiral steep steps below ground level ) to fetch water with buckets and gallons.

As you can imagine, flushing the toilet with ones precious water was an expensive nuisance. So we well-groomed elitist ladies unwittingly mapped out some acres of land where the business could be done gracefully, privately and in absolute serenity - Keshi Island.

Six years, yet I survived.

The barbaric nature of the news item and picture above is the reality of a nation where a lack of good and thoughtful governance, coupled with warped social values and hygiene is prevalent. We can be so much more as a country and would not have been this way if we as citizens were taken care of by the system. It is the greatest reason why countries like the UK however cash-strapped make sure their benefit system and NHS stay functional and accessible.

Years later, I still have nightmares of public desperation, filthy toilets and Keshi Islands. No kidding.

Weekend Review: P Square - Alingo

2012-11-18T14:19:00.000Z

I've heard it said before that Nigerians are the best copycats ever. Once an idea gets popular, we copy it to death - literally. I beg to somewhat differ. The term I would like to use is 'adapt', we are good at adapting trends.

In the past few years I have witnessed an increasing rise in the evolution of dance steps, galala, swo, alanta, yahoozee, azonto, kukere, etighi are to mention a few. Afro Hip-hop sweethearts P-Square not to be outdone by their comrades have developed a new high definition club-banger complete with the moves - Alingo.

Peter and Paul Okoye are back in our lives with this infectious dance number reminding fans why they fell in love with the duo in the first place - their ability to rip up sweat-inspiring moves sure to melt those calories on the dance floor! A testament to that are the comments from fans on You Tube:

I will stick to etighi, it's lazy, sleek and easy, and it's good for us on a 0-1-0 diet, as for alingo well psquare carry ur cross, this dance is for people "wey chop bellefull" - Ugowoundo

These dudes are on point but do they want to kill me. I have been trying the Alingo dance since last night and I can not seem to get it. Well any how i do it its my own Alingo. thumbs up bro - Ormotayour

And it's not just creating a dance move that is the adapted trend. Four years ago, I had a relatively unheard of radio programme Techno Fever. There in the studio with my in-house presenter DJ OPJ, I prophesied that dance, techno and electro-pop were going to be the next new Afro cross-over genre, and now it's spreading like a virus.

Perhaps in the near future a Nigerian music producer might fancy dabbling into dubstep? Now that would be something....

Did you feel a sense of déjà vu while listening to the song? That's because some might compare this track Alingo to Timaya's Shake Your Bum, and I would see why. The lyrical rhythm is uncannily similar. Nevertheless, what I see here is an audio-visually stimulating 5 minutes that I wouldn't mind watching and singing over and over again (minus the bingo bark).

Visually stimulating because although this video is dark and misty with everyone wearing black, the costumes do enough talking on their own to stand out from the dank background. Lenga pants topped with black studded gladiator breastplates? These boys mean serious business! Now this is the kind of creativity I applaud.

Although as usual, there are females writhing all over, I thank P-Square for protecting my eyes from a blatant display of heaving breasts and and bulging bottoms violently gyrating into the lens.

Perhaps my qualms with this video would have to be with the overtly enthusiastic graphic effects artist who seemed to be on a mission to see how many effects he could chuck onto the edit timeline. Good music sells itself, too much of all that can be distracting and ultimately make a good video look cheap. To him I say, less is more.

Did anyone notice the slightly disproportionate scale in the Peter:Paul ratio? Unless P-Square has plans to change to Peter Square, I suggest big brother Jude Engees started looking at more on screen Paul time. Although I would be thrilled to bits to see Paul dance once more, you could define their roles and let Peter be the dancer and Paul the ladies man. Image building/branding helps the fans feel like they have a closer rapport with the guys.

So what do you guys think? Will Alingo catch on?

"Retrieve Abacha's $1billion Loot" - Obasanjo to Jonathan

2012-11-14T14:33:00.001Z

Former Nigerian President Olusegun Obasanjo has pleaded with President Goodluck Jonathan to do what he failed to do during his time in office and recover the late Gen. Sani Abacha’s loot.

He made the appeal yesterday at a public lecture organized by the Members of the Word of Life Bible Church, Warri, Delta State, in honour of the founder of the Church, Pastor Ayo Oritsejafor as he mark his 40 years in the Ministry.

Obasanjo acknowledged that recovering the funds was a hard task that he could not accomplish while he was in office stating that he had called on World Bank to detail the exact amount, whereabouts and beneficiaries without any luck.

“I never got anything from the World Bank thereafter. We have on our own investigated and recovered some. From Abacha's family alone, we recovered millions of dollars.

I got 1.2 billion Dollars (£100 million) and the lawyer in Switzerland (he is still there) who was doing it for us when I was leaving, said that if we work harder, there was still at least one billion dollars that we can get from that family alone. There is at least $1 billion Abacha loot still lying in Swiss accounts"

***

Jesus wept! Just how much money did Abacha rape off Nigeria. More to the point, just how much money does Nigeria have anyway? And to think that after 14 years of his demise and inevitable squander from his family, there could still be BILLIONS left?

Speaking of the living, let me digress to an observation in the 2nd paragraph above. I hear pastors and men of Gods are doing even better than Abacha at milking dry their congregations. These 'humble servants of God' are buying private jets and limos and living Hollywood celebrity lifestyles in a country where the average church member lives on less than 2 dollars per day. Is this not said Pastor Ayo Oritsejafor's wife clambering out of a white limo?

God save us all.

Re: Chronicle of the Book: Dear Nollywood, Stick to Drama

2012-11-14T12:39:00.001Z

Although I'm a trained Thespian, this is precisely why I avoid Nigerian movies like the plague:

Can someone please tell me that was a joke or am I crazy to be shuddering with disgust?

I can't even find a soft landing anywhere in this repugnant mess to begin an honest review on this. That's how horrified I am! I don't want to hear of a chronicles of anything ever again from Nollywood. I'm praying to God who made me that what I viewed above is a trailer spoof.

Actors, attempting to launch a movie production company like above is more offensive than releasing a jangling music album. Assaulting innocent civilians with that nature of garrulously repulsive junk like the above trailer should be punishable by law - it not only offends the ears but the sight and damages brain cells in its wake.

I would gladly plough out my ears with a fork and sacrifice them to the devil for the success of Tonto Dike's new album than be molested by this kind of vulgar editing.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: dear Nollywood producers/writers, please steer clear away from sci-fi, Lord of the Ring epics and action movies UNTIL you have the right funding to cover the costs of real CGI effects, stunts choreography, set and costuming. No one does good drama like Nollywood, for now stick to it and stick tight.

Borrow a leaf from Obi Omelonye's Last Flight to Abuja which presented us with the best graphics I've ever seen so far in a Nollywood movie.

Other than that, please stop embarrassing yourselves.

P.S: I hope they get knabbed by Interpol for copyright infringement of those soundtracks - that would make for a far more entertaining story line.

Love,

Doris

Weekend Review: D'banj releases new video 'Bachelor'

2012-11-10T04:24:00.003Z

How Nigeria's Afro hip-hop sensation Dapo 'D'banj' Oyebanji has managed time away from the dizzying heights of success from winning Best African Act at the MOBO Awards for his UK chart-topper, Oliver Twist, I will never know.

But apparently he has been a very busy chef, cooking up another sizzling number entitled, Bachelor - just incase the ladies didn't already know. Nice one munchkin! Rub it in our faces.

The 3 minute-shy video reminiscent of his former egotistic crowd-pleaser Endowed portrays as usual a wildly opulent D'banj who seems to have ticked his rather vengeful missus off in some way. The guys are going to love this one. The plot is simple: alcohol, money-stacks, curvy scantily-clad women and party galore - what a surprise. Yawn.

Truth be told, the video quality is mint. I love the throbbing beat - I can definitely see me bouncing on a chair to this one, but the lyrics is a disappointingly lack-lustre offering that at this point makes Endowed sound comparably Shakespearean in eloquence. Has his famous reservoir of ideas finally dried up?

Everything else reeks of the standard shallow misogynistic testosterone-driven perception of women as dispensable objects of pleasure. The women actually came out of a cooling van. Haba! A cooling van! D'banj, I love you to bits but my dear, God is watching you in 3D! I suppose I should be 'grateful' he used a predominantly African cast of women.

Overall, one can definitely argue that this number however head-bopping lacks a certain walking-stick wielding je ne sais quois. If you know ~~who~~ what I mean....

Ose!

Police Say Boko Haram Commander Did Not Escape

2012-11-09T15:15:00.000Z

Police in Nigeria's Federal Capital Territory Abuja have denied claims that arrested Boko Haram top commander has escaped from their custody.

The suspect, Sani Mohammed, was reported to have escaped from the cell where he was kept with other terror suspects in the police headquarters of Abuja on Thursday. He was arrested with another escaped Boko Haram operative, Kabir Sokoto in January, 2012.

The Force Headquarters however have claimed that no terror suspect escaped but security sources confirmed that Mohammed absconded from custody.

You will remember that a similar incident happened in January this year when Kabiru Sokoto, the alleged mastermind of the Christmas Day bombing of Saint Theresa Catholic Church, Madalla, Niger State, vanished from police custody at Abaji, a satellite town in the Federal Capital Territory.

Who are Nigeria's Boko Haram Islamists?

Arrested at the Borno State Governor’s Lodge, Abuja, Sokoto was said to have escaped while being taken for a search of his apartment 24 hours later.

But Deputy Force Public Relations Officer, Frank Mba, said no terror suspect escaped from its custody, adding that a check of its records showed no such name as Mohammed on its list of detainees.

He said, “The police authority hereby informs the public that the information being circulated by TV Stations is totally untrue and should be disregarded in its entirety.”

The ruckus sparked the 'arrest' of a police commissioner.

Yet since then, nothing has been heard of the suspect Sokoto.

Video: Obama In Tears During Private Speech to Youth Campaigners

2012-11-09T05:29:00.002Z

Now there's a headline even I never saw coming!

But as it happens, underneath his unflappable Hawaiian cool and self-assured exterior is a man with a gooey fudge center. During this private speech to his young presidential election campaigners on Wednesday, newly re-elected President Barack Obama let slip of his famous zen as he spoke from the heart about how proud he was of their hard work and commitment to the Obama campaign, at some point pausing to wipe away freely flowing tears.

Just one more reason to fall in love with America's chosen One.

I'm really touched by this show of pride and humility. He walks away both leader and mentor. I will keep praying that some day in my country Nigeria, I could have a leader who like a real father would be proud of his/her nation's youth and regard us as a daily inspiration to brave through all odds.

This is the real stuff of leadership.

Respect.

P.s: I've been running through all of Nigeria's presidents past and present, trying to think which of them would have been most likely to shed a paternal tear of pride for our hardworking youth. Any ideas? Ironsi? Abacha? OBJ...?