Double Dutch Psychology

How deep is your love?

2013-09-08T01:25:00.003+02:00

20,000 days with him by her side. Her solid rock, her encourager, her love. Together they raised their offspring and were the joyous grandparents of the bunch of grandchildren they got.

2,500 days without him by her side. He is still in her heart, her mind and thoughts. She misses him so much, wanting to join him desperately.

Two people united in one true love, two souls became one. Beyond earthly boundaries. To be reunited someday. That is love that makes living without unbearable. An eternal deep love. It exists. Ever after. Even after.

What should one do when witnessing this struggle, this pain? Hold on move on? Hold tight. Hold hands. Rub feet. Be there.

Let go. Let go. Let go.

Oh no! That means that she cannot tell, she cannot teach us anymore. Or still?

Sitting next to her when she mourns at his grave brings him back somehow. The sun winks behind a cloud, the wind tickles to dry the tears. The fresh candle she brings him has been lit. When she talks to him she tells us how deep their love is. Making me realize how much I love her.

Nuclear receptivity

2013-07-18T16:49:00.002+02:00

While I am struggling to make a coherent story about the estrogen signaling pathway I studied extensively the last months, I am confronted with an huge harsh world beyond my own tiny clog in the big wheel. Estrogen is a hormone which is not causing my troubled thoughts by the way. Although, it could have caused some cognitive disturbances when I was pregnant and maybe it enhances my emotions a little in this typical time of the month. It might even influence my maternal behavior but it is not solely a feminine trouble maker. Moreover, even men depend on estrogen in their delicate homeostasis, a shortage will cause osteoporosis and men wouldn’t have a proper prostate for example if it wasn’t for estrogen’s role in the fetal development .

Estrogen binds to the estrogen receptor, obviously, but then the confusion probably sets in. We have got alpha and beta estrogen receptors and they are classified as nuclear receptors because they are found in the cell, close to the cell nucleus. Once the ligand, that is the hormone in this case, binds to the receptor, the latter starts to switch an estrogen gene on or off which in turn … (well, you’ll have to read my report if you really want to know how this story may or may not be continued).

In the meanwhile I receive updates from my dearly beloved traveling offspring. The daughter in Ghana is using her anthropological skills to determine if she is ready for more than a day job at the local art-market. The son and his companions are on their way to test distant hostels, challenging that with, in my opinion, a little too much of the products of the local breweries. Not while they drive though. But what shocked me more than I could imagine beforehand was that their journey also means excursions I would never consider even if it would be mandatory. Honestly, I wonder what it is that makes kids, young men and probably also young women, go there.

I am talking about Auschwitz and Tsjernobyl, both places ultimately connected to disaster and loss of so many. Pictures cannot describe the feeling, they wrote, neither can words. Why would someone voluntarily want to experience such a feeling? Am I ignorant? I won’t say that, I am quite likely able to imagine how it feels there and I don’t want that imprinted in my soul. For the second place, I still remember vividly the news reporting about the accident with the nuclear plant and the immense outcome back in 1986. That year I went to the former Yugoslavia for my vacation and it scared me to go so close near the disastrous area. Well, they may explain it further to me when they return home, my kids. I already learned from them that the dose of radio-activity is higher in a transatlantic flight than it is there. And all four of them do have a scientific education, they don’t avoid the truth, contrary they are looking for it. Even the not so nice aspects are part of our lives.

Thankfully, the other daughter is closer to home although abroad. She is charging her battery with books she finds in the local charity shops and doing lots of other shopping and girly stuff. And the youngest daughter follows her friends to sunny places in typical tourist locations neither too far away. I, however, had to dig deep to find my own dream destination this year, that is as soon as I would have finished this assignment. The core of what I am looking for is beauty, a good feeling that refills me for the next year. I know that it won’t be enough to simply read or watch movies and pictures about such places. I am receptive to feel good.

Once upon a time on a dark sunny day…

2013-07-06T16:41:00.002+02:00

Thumbling thoughts with no reason in it are also part of memories. Feelings, emotions, overwhelming and most time hidden under a heavy lid. We don’t know exactly where memories are stored in the brain, although we do know that the hippocampus is important in forming new memories the memories themselves don’t resident long there. They might even diffuse throughout the body. Why else would we put our hands to our hearts when expressing the feeling about someone we love? Or point to our belly to express that there’s something very dark hidden in us?

Without much (conscious) effort we manage to keep the lid put firmly. Not aware how much the content under the lid, or the void most likely, is influencing our present lives. Until something distracts us and we let our attention slip for just a millisecond. Life’s lessons don’t have clear timetables and when they present themselves they don’t appear as kind invitations to grow.

Rationally you know you’ve dealt with your past experiences. However, emotionally it takes much longer before acceptance does occur. A lifetime, sometimes. After all it takes a whole lot of courage to take a look under the lid and even more so to unwire the mess and reconnect it properly again. A task which is almost too much to do alone. Like in the case of Alice.

She was very young when you was disconnected for the first time. She didn’t fall in the famous rabbit hole yet but let’s say that she sprained her ankle on its surface while running in the imaginary woods of her childhood. Not able to bond really with her peers but not showing much trouble either. It was not long before she was really disconnected. This time it was serious and physically visible so she received much concern and care from people in her environment. She dwelled in the attention she got then, it felt almost like being popular and loved. Meanwhile the wounds seem to heal properly. What Alice didn’t know at that time was that the true wound has been covered under the metaphorically lid. And stayed there for a very long time, unhealed.

It was confusing to feel totally despair without a single soul present who could explain what was going on. It was not constantly that she felt that way but more attack wise. It terrified her to feel not able to breath and many times she thought she would die or was losing her mind. There was more that bothered Alice at that time. She was also afraid to express anger. Afraid to drive the people she needed most to survive away from her. At that point it was clear to her that the physical expression of arousal had a psychological foundation. If only there was some psychological help. A long journey began and she found some but not all the help she was looking for. It never seemed enough to reach out to the matter under the lid. She learned to peek briefly under it but was ready to flee from it again quickly. After a while she became aware of her greatest fear, being alone by herself, without distractions from the muddy pool she could easily drown in. She felt she was frequently lured into that challenge by life’s lessons because she was attracted to people who did not bond really to her. Sometimes she confused those feelings with love. If only she learned to love others for who they really are then she would… What? Find happiness? Being whole again? Lifelong commitment?

Then fortunately her helpers were born. Kindly pushing and stretching her boundaries. Teaching her the skills she lacked so far. They made her see she was somehow worthy. With so much unconditional love she was ready to jump out of the nest of lonely safety she was living in.

Another journey began where she learned that she was rather harsh for herself. She had much to catch up with and felt that no matter whatever she accomplished, it was never enough. Never enough.

She was still striving for acceptance. Acknowledgement for her birthright to live, love and be loved. At the time I start working with her slowly she became ready to really look under the lid. To disentangle the mess and reconnect the wires. At that time it started to make sense to her what loving oneself is. I accepted her for who she was and made her stand out for herself. Told her that true love does not need clinging to and that umbilical cords are very flexible by the way. Oh and of course she may say no or have her demands. It is her life, she rules it. Sweet Alice doesn’t need to be sweet all the time. Alone is not lonely per se. And lonely does not always mean being by yourself. Damn, Alice? Who the fuck is Alice? It’s me who is still standing and turned July in the bright and sunny time of year again.

Annoying buzzer

2013-07-05T01:33:00.000+02:00

I’ve got a new roommate and he is getting on my nerves already. After only a couple of hours together I’m fairly positive that I might kill him if he won’t die soon by himself. I know, harsh words by someone who is mainly very tolerant. That’s his own fault because he keeps entering my personal space uninvited and what more keeps circling very close around me. “Live and let live is my motto, but I simply cannot concentrate on what I have to do with you around buddy. Oh, did I scare you with my murderous thoughts? What? Why are you sitting there smugly rubbing your hands together? Do you like pissing me off? You know what, I’m going to bed and you’re not allowed to follow me upstairs. You may wake me up in a couple of hours, though, you’re probably better than my alarm. That is, when you haven’t give up living here by then. Night, bluebottle.”

Multiculti Summertime

2013-07-03T00:08:00.002+02:00

The similarity between Ghana and Russia is that both nations host children of me during a whole month this summer. Since both cultures are quite unknown to me it will result in a boot camp summer course and by the time they’ll be back I’d be able to tell you about a variety of topics from gari (Ghanaian dish) to KaZantip (Festival in the Ukraine) . Secondhand of course but still. If only…

Well, in one instance the car is already filled up with four broad shouldered (more or less) young men which leaves literally no room for me and in the other case I would also definitely be the proverbially fifth wheel. So it is out of the question to join them physically. Therefore it is great to have an imaginative mind and picture in my mind’s eye what they write and tell me. It is a challenge for my presumed open mindedness, I realize. Next to a lot of monitoring of the respective local situations and being greedy for updates I will have to hunt a lot of bears on the road of my mind. But I do also envy them a little. What would be more helpful to tackle stereotypes than meeting the people after all?

Pleasure toys

2013-06-25T00:43:00.003+02:00

I tend to be so damn serious sometimes that when I observe myself I can only think “boooring”. Do I really feel my life is only a tour of duty? So much that it literally presses my head and shoulders down? Thankfully not all the time but often I need someone else to make me aware that it’s time to loosen up a little. Like today when I got a present.

I didn’t expect one and the image on the rectangular box didn’t give much away. A bit suspicious I opened the box in the meanwhile informed by the kind giver that there were already 4 batteries in the thing. “4 batteries?!” was all I could think. The giver went on with more enthusiasm, probably reading my expression, and explained how handy it would be and the fun she had from using hers. “With a thing that uses 4 batteries for a job that requires no effort when you’d do it manually?” my thoughts went on. She also brought a nicely smelling refill and I didn’t want to spoil her surprise totally so I filled the thing after we finally managed to open it. “Now I am supposed to use this because she’ll notice when I don’t. It has to be on display forever”, I thought depressed. She warned me that I’ll have to be careful though because sometimes the thing starts accidentally, spilling its liquid unwanted. “Great, so I’ll have to dab the liquid whole day long”, my nagging conscious thought. After all, in this life we are supposed to save energy, to save the environment and to save ourselves from unnecessary stress.

But, I’ve already used it a couple of times now in the few hours I own it and like all new toys it was fun using it. Even witnessing how it spilled its fluid accidentally felt like a challenge of how to prevent that as much as I can. And how funny would it be when my kids and guests will discover my new toy. Why did my mind not come up with that kind of thoughts right then when I got it? Well, at last I proudly present my automatic soap dispenser, a present from my mom.

Bubbling

2013-06-24T01:41:00.001+02:00

It has been a while. A very busy time and I still have loads of work to do. Not only study and job related things but many things in and around the house also, the latter I save mainly for the weekends. At least I try that. There were many months that I didn’t feel like writing here, simply because my business was booming, almost over the top. Now with most of the job done and the end of term nearing there’s room for other matters. Like the backyard. Just in time for the Summer.

I had a vision of a porch-like attachment to my house. That side of the house faces the sun. It would also be handy when I would finally find the will power to smoke my cigarettes outdoors. But the sun blind hangs in the way. Therefore I changed the original idea for an attachment to the shed at the end of the backyard. Funny how words have an ability to mislead you. The end of the backyard. Bet you imagine a whole lot of space outside my house. Backyard sounds huge to me anyway, but garden seems neither appropriate. It is nice though, and when it’s done, the porch-thing has to be covered in Wisteria. I’ve already bought two white ones and a blue one. I will also plant honeysuckle and lavender because I love the smell of flowers. I imagine myself sitting there after dinner until dusk turns in to the night. The warm glow of a wood fire in the patio heater. Reminiscing about the past year and everything that happened.

So many thoughts in my head ready to spill out but I’ll try to spice them up with what I’ve learned from Psychology and mold them neatly into little stories. Until then I leave them bubbling inside me. I’ll be back soon.

Day 40 of 40 Bed of Roses

2012-10-15T02:18:00.004+02:00

Today I’m officially living in the new house. I’ve slept okay in my new bedroom, although I probably would have slept okay anywhere with how tired I was. It was a short night after going to bed around 3:00 AM and getting up by 8:30 because we had to return the big van and filled it up with diesel beforehand. My brother sacrificed another day of his well earned weekend with helping with all kinds of heavy things and so did my kids and mom. I love them all for doing this. They all too have their busy week day’s schedule and still move mountains to help me build a new home and close the old one.

I went to the old house with my son and my brother to remove the last bits. Including bicycles, several lamps I wanted to take with me and the downstairs laminate flooring, which need to go to the dump plus digging up the 5 rose bushes and a small tree I want to replant in this garden. After hours of heavy downpour for a couple of days the earth in the backyard was very swampy, which made the job all the heavier. While the men were bringing away the first load away with the van I stayed in the old house and realized that it was okay to leave it.

When they returned they told me the two middle girls were laying laminate in the fourth room. And my mom and youngest were doing some more cleaning. My son grumbled to me that I would be better off with buying new roses, he was having a severe headache, but he did it nevertheless. After a lot of digging and pulling by the three of us we had all the plants ready to be transported. The only thing left was a whole lot of laminate and under flooring. We’d decided to load that in the van after that ride so I can go to the dump tomorrow, together with my youngest. She and I loaded the van and after returning home to the new house where my mom had prepared a lovely dinner the girls just finished the flooring. Then everyone was hit by exhaustion. My mom and my brother left and I brought the kids back to their respective homes. On my way to their homes it was raining again and I had trouble to keep the car on my side of the road. Halfway I decided it would be better to let my youngest drive the car, she was the only one of us who said she was still full of energy.

The roses were the straw that broke the camel’s back. Besides roses do have thorns and except for their petals I can imagine more comfortable beds. However, I will start nursing them tomorrow after coming home from handing in the keys and going to the dump. With a little bit of fertilizer and luck, they will bloom again coming Spring. We will bloom again much sooner when we will celebrate the succeeding of this project with more good food and watching a movie on the new extra large couch.

Day 39 of 40 Almost there

2012-10-14T01:59:00.004+02:00

Again it was a very busy and long day. At 10 AM I could pick up the big van I rented and from then on we loaded both cars drove to the new house, unloaded them and repeated that a couple of times. In between those rides we did a lot of shoving with the furniture until everything was in its right place or temporarily not too much in the way. Many things needs to go either in the hallway or upstairs in time when all the rooms will be done. And of course there are many boxes that still need to be unpacked. Some of us were cleaning and others filled up the central heating or connected the gas to the stove and prepared lunch for everyone.

Later this night Michael brought my mom and his girlfriend home with the smaller van and I went one more time to the old house by myself to pack some kitchen utensils and other things that were still there and loaded the big van again. Samantha was painting the woodwork of the living room and Kimberley was doing her homework. When all the kids were home again they called me on my cell to ask if I would stay away much longer, because it was past midnight again and they were tired. I was pretty exhausted too so I called it a day for packing stuff.

Now the kids are all sleeping and I’m typing this in a quiet house while the rain is pouring down outside. It’s a weird feeling, like being in a vacation home but surrounded by much more personal stuff than I would ever take with me on vacation of course. However, it does feel okay. I’m proud of the work we’ve done and tomorrow after unloading the big van and returning it by 10 AM we will work some more in removing things in the old house. That is my number one priority at the moment to make sure to move all the things that needed to be moved. Including the five roses from the backyard. The kids are looking forward to lay laminate in the office room and continue making it beautiful here. I will make time for that too after closing the old house. For now I am thankful for the wonderful people who helped coming this far and also feeling rather knackered, but that will pass by.

Day 38 of 40 That Never Ever Again Kinda Feeling

2012-10-13T01:58:00.001+02:00

The responses on my yesterday’s blog were sweet and encouraging again. Not only yesterday but mostly. Honestly, I don’t feel down-hearted about the project of moving houses despite some tears now and then, however it’s heartening to receive so much empathy. In fact the challenging aspect of the whole thing is also positively exciting. I mean, planning, executing and making ad hoc decisions is something I’m apparently doing pretty okay. Although, there still remains an aspect in it that makes me want to do it my way and perhaps that’s why it took me 40 days. The fact is that letting go of my first own home, however rented it was the first in my name solely, means much to me. This house sheltered me for 8 years and 8 months and the idea that I’m not allowed to go in it anymore after handing in the keys Monday morning, that’s what made me a little tearful. And still does when I’m taking time to think about it. I’m sure that there will be some more tears before I drive off there for the last time.

Okay, I’m not the gypsy kind of type I used to think I was. And probably I’m sentimental. However, no matter how many memories you can carry with you in your life, for me it’s the real touchable thing what I fear to miss. Like when my dad died. I can think of him as much as I want but I can never ever talk with him again anymore.

There are many wise things said about feelings like this. All meant to be helpful with coping with the more difficult parts of life. I want to add something helpful to it: Recognize, acknowledge and accept what you feel so it won’t take you by surprise unexpectedly. Never again is a very long time after all.

Day 37 of 40 The Last Mile (is the longest one)

2012-10-11T22:07:00.000+02:00

Yesterday the man who’s young Labrador I may borrow if there’s a client with dogs anxiety, asked me if I could watch the dog this weekend. Unfortunately that’s impossible, a next time it will be great but now it would be madness. Lately I am thinking more and more about a new dog but to borrow one once in a while will be much wiser at the moment.

I removed the curtains of the living room in the old house last night. This day I’ve spent painting the walls in the new house’s living room white. And when I came “home” at the end of the day, it suddenly didn’t feel like home anymore, in the old house. The colors were too much and the windows too naked. In the meanwhile, the new house doesn’t give me the comforting feeling of coming home. This made me wonder, but I’m almost sure I did experience that different eight years ago. It was very different then.

Anyway, this morning when I drove there the song of Little Talks from Of Monsters and Men blaring of the radio touched me more than ever and before I could stop them the tears were streaming down my cheeks. Can’t help it but today I feel homeless. A little like Remi from Nobody’s Boy by Hector Malot. I don't like walking around this old and empty house. So hold my hand, I'll walk with you, my dear.

Day 36 of 40 Networking

2012-10-10T23:31:00.001+02:00

Great, I’ve got a working internet connection in the new house since this afternoon. Which means that the one in the old house is disconnected but that is where my computer still is. Slightly more inconvenient is that the landline doesn’t want to work and the guy needs therefore to come back tomorrow. He will fix it I’m sure.

Apparently I had missed a few calls on my cellphone this morning and as soon as the guy had arrived I took a break from what I was doing and decided to call them back. At the same time I was doing so, I heard the guy’s phone ringing in the hallway where he was working, that typical Nokia tune. The one I was calling answered and it occurred to me that he was from the same company as the guy in my hallway. It took me a couple of seconds to realize it was him I was calling...

After a couple of hours when he still couldn’t bring the landline to life, he said he gave up trying and I suggested I’d borrow a phone from a friend that afternoon to try if it was due to the phone or the line. He asked me if I could let him know how that went because if it was the line he needed to come back. You’ve already got my number, he said. That’s true because he’d called me, and I called him, his number was automatically stored in my cell phone. I agreed and decided to link that number to his name. Lately I’ve got funny new contacts, for example Joe the Plumber , Jesse the Carpenter or Jim the Upholsterer, because I only know their first names and what they do. But in times of moving houses it can come in handy to know a craftsman who works good.

Day 35 of 40 Accelerating

2012-10-10T00:31:00.003+02:00

Today I was round lunchtime in the new house. I ate my croissant in the sunny backyard and was introduced to another friendly neighbor. After working a couple of hours I ran some more errands in the DIY centre. I had a microwave meal and then my youngest daughter accompanied me there to paint the walls in here new room. In the meanwhile I was cleaning up the living room floor because tomorrow morning the internet/telecom provider is coming to transfer my connection.

It was already round midnight when we stopped and before we could go we had to unload the van (with the innocent sign of its t-belt still on). Kimberley drove in her dad’s car, which is a nice and fast car and I followed her. The van is a diesel and accelerate slow but goes on steady when its wheels are rolling. The same as it is for me, I don’t accelerate easily but I can go on quite a while as soon as I’m rolling. I wish I could extend this project some more, I like what I’m doing now even though it’s tough. I want some more time in between working to sit back and admire the progress I made and make it even better than I already did. That’s how I grow my roots steadily into the ground there. But then, a deadline also means I do accelerate because I simply have to, that’s my fertilizer you know.

Day 34 of 40 Timing Belt

2012-10-08T22:09:00.004+02:00

Oh, oh, I was nearly at my mom’s house tonight for again a delicious meal when I saw that there was a sign in the dashboard lit up saying “t-belt”. Automatically I felt if the handbrakes were on, which wasn’t the case. I had not a clue what that meant. I was driving the van again which has three seats. So, while waiting for the next traffic lights I thought maybe it was about the seatbelt of the third seating where my very heavy handbag was sitting, next to me. Maybe the car thought that there was someone sitting next to me, I wondered, because my usually already heavy handbag is far more heavier nowadays with all kind of tools extra in it. I lifted the bag hopefully expecting the sign would fade out, but no such thing happened. The lights turned green before I could throw myself sideward to the compartment where the manual from the car should be. Then I was at my mom’s place and I turned off the ignition after having parked the van, thinking the sign would probably not lit up when I was going home again.

Satisfied from the meal I went home an hour or so later and the sign was on again. “What the heck”, I thought, “as long as it brings me back the 20 kilometers because there, at home I can look it up properly”. Indeed, looking it up on my computer learned me that it’s about the timing belt. I know very little of the technical aspects of cars but I am sensible enough to realize that it is an essential mechanic part of the engine. It’s name is also very striking because if the van will broke down I might be having a stressful weekend at the end of this week, when everything needs to be moved from the old to the new house.

First thing I have to do tomorrow morning is call the garage (again), hopefully they can squeeze me in their busy day…

Day 33 of 40 Top Down

2012-10-07T22:37:00.003+02:00

In psychology, for example when mentioning the direction of ‘traffic’ in nerves there are two expressions which are often used in other fields as well. One is bottom-up and the other is top-down. This is especially used in attention and other ways of information processing. When one is actively focusing on something it’s called top-down and for example a startle response is bottom-up.

In our moving houses project we appear to work top-down as well. Not only because we plan the things we’re doing but also because the upper floors in both houses are the most ready parts and downstairs is rather messy.

When talking about curtains, top-down means curtains from ceiling to floor. And that’s what we ordered for Kim’s bedroom. That room has a beautiful laminate flooring now, laid by Michael and Kim today. The second bedroom that’s almost ready and makes it more and more our new house.

Top-down is also how Tabitha and Samantha worked today regarding our two rabbits. In transition management there are two strategies. Top-down there means that the leader(s) decide that something has to change and the subordinates follow that change. Contrary to bottom-up where the feelings from the subordinates are the base for changes. And as the rabbits didn’t have any vote in moving their houses today, they were only lucky that it was done with such expertise, consideration and girl power.

Great that I managed to mix psychology with what’s up here at the moment in my writing, after all it would be too boring to talk again about plastering, isn’t it?

2012-10-06T23:33:00.002+02:00

Day 32 of 40 Float On

Pisces and my name is Tabitha. When the stair doesn’t reach high enough, extend it with a (semi) floating stepladder. The sky is the limit. I like a man who feels the same. And if you fit that description, baby, come with me.

Aquarius and my name is Debby. I like to float in a big swimming pool at the moment. And I like a man who floats next to me, or better still hold me in his arms. And if you fit that description
This is for you especially.

Day 31 of 40 Cool Colors

2012-10-06T01:45:00.000+02:00

Often houses here do have a system that combines central heating and hot water for the taps. In the new house we temporary turned that system down because we are working at replacing some of the radiators. Although it’s rather chilly outside now we don’t miss the heating because all we do is physical work there. But as soon as you sit down for a break you can feel the cold. Therefore it was pleasant that the sun managed to shine between the showers just when I was taking a break.

My daughter has already picked the colors she want in her room and this night she was enthusiastically showing me how great everything matched together. Her friends made a group whatsapp called the painting team and apparently her room will be ready after this weekend with their help.

I decided to go for white walls for a while for the rest of the house until I know what colors I want where. I love colors which is visible in the old house. I think I’ve mentioned it before but I was afraid that I had to repaint the walls in the old house as well because white walls would make a better selling point for the estate agent. I dreaded that because every color accompanied a memory about when I put that on. And I want it to be my house until the moment that I have to hand in the keys.

Today I had the inspection and everything I feared turned out to be unnecessary. It was a friendly guy the estate agent and I have the prospect of getting the guarantee amount back, like I want of course. Now I can put all my effort on working in the new house and cool down this house further until only its true colors are left.

Day 30 of 40 Pride and Prejudice

2012-10-04T23:52:00.001+02:00

I tend to feel someone’s mood, even from quite a distance. At least that’s how I interpret it. Last week the washing machine repairman was here. I had seen him once years ago in the other house but couldn’t remember how he looked like. Obvious he was older, like we all are. But there was something else. I chatted a little with him while he was doing the job and when he was done he took a seat to write the invoice. And it took quite a while to write that because he told me his life story in between. He has been seriously ill and is so low of energy that he goes straight to bed after a day working. A sad story and I truly hope he has some good time left before it’s too late for him.

That same day another older man passed by, slowly walking behind his walker. I greeted him but didn’t recognize him until he teasingly asked what I did with “his” bench. Then I remembered it. One day I came into my kitchen and saw someone sitting on the bench which stood under the kitchen window. Because it was a little unusual I went to him and asked him if he was all right. He just needed a break from walking to the shops, he said. He reminded me of that too last week. And then he told me that he has handed in his driving license after having a stroke. When cheerfully saying goodbye after some more chatting he slowly walked on to his appointment with the physiotherapist.

That’s how I like it, when I feel strong enough I subconsciously encourage people to shovel some more on my shoulders. But when I say to someone that it is very heavy what I’m doing at the moment or that I worry about not being able to do my coming exams properly, all I do is struggling and postponing to write that to the coordinator of my course. It feels like failing that I can’t move houses and study like I should at the same time. Better I take the bull by the horns and write that damn e-mail.

Day 29 of 40 Gym

2012-10-03T23:36:00.000+02:00

Which of the approximately 600 muscles in my body were more or less asleep and abruptly woken by my project? Many I think. Although after lifting so much lately they don’t ache anymore. And don’t forget the miles I’ve walked up and down the stairs this last weeks. This kind of exercising satisfies me. The progress is very visible and it simply needs to be done. It’s very different from working out in a gym, which I really don’t like.

When I heard people talking about how they’re looking forward to their work out in a gym or proudly announce that they have pushed themselves over the top there I used to think that I was lazy. Well, those days are over because I really am proud of myself. Thanks to enough variation in the moves I make and the fact that I won’t go beyond my limits I’m not turning into a bodybuilder (thank goodness, I’m still feminine enough to appreciate my female curves, even with the muffin around my waistband). From lifting to the wax-in wax-out kind of movement plastering requires and pushing and pulling things that needs to be replaced my arms, legs, back and abdominal muscles all work in turn.

So, all I need to get moving is a deadline and necessity to do so, that gives me the pleasure and perseverance. The same for cycling. Why should I cycle a spinning bike which doesn’t bring me out of the stale fitness room when I can breathe in fresh air outdoors on my own bike? Or dancing. Zumba is fun but dancing Salsa with an experienced dance partner at a great party is way more fun. For my fitness it’s a shame that this project is nearing its end soon.

Day 28 of 40 My Mom’s Kitchen

2012-10-02T23:27:00.003+02:00

My mom is a sweetheart. Last Sunday afternoon I texted her to ask if we could go to her to have dinner. She said yes, went to the grocery shop and made a lovely meal for the five of us. Today she prepared a delicious meal again, this time only for me. As soon as the man who had fixed the washing machine had left here I went to her. My stomach was grumbling and the smell of the food was mouthwatering when I got there. Very relaxing having dinner cooked and served! And after another cup of tea I went home again to do my tax form and finish the letter for the insurance company.

Today I first cleared the space upon the washing machine then I went to the recycle containers to bring 4 bags of used paper and plastic and I brought the microwave oven to the new house. It looked a little misplaced next to the drill I use to mix the plaster. After that I brought 5 huge blue bags filled with wallpaper to the sanitation centre and went to the garage for the valuation of the car damage. Then I called for borrowing the van again which I picked up after cycling to the shop where it’s parked. While I was waiting for the repairman I worked in the backyard of the old house, which is almost leveled.

Tomorrow there’s again a lot to do so I’m looking forward to what my mom’s cooking then.

Day 27 of 40 Fix and Finish

2012-10-01T22:49:00.001+02:00

There’s a lot that needs to be fixed. A bracket from a bra has got stuck in the washing machine accidentally. My neighbor today called because he accidentally hit my parked car while he was parking (honest man btw!). It were only a couple of scratches. We used to say that a car has been kissed when there is only some material damage. So you may interpret this as a tender goodbye kiss from the neighbor, that’ll make it a little funnier next to the many things that are going on.

But what bothers me most is that I became so very impatience with my youngest daughter who’s got all kind of school activities in her freshmen’s year, that I brought her to her dad’s house last night. She probably helped me the most because she is living here, the other kids come over in the weekends mostly to help. Anyway, I think it’s for both of us better at the moment that she has a place where she can study and relax. Can’t help feeling guilty though.

It’s really a bit chaotic here now. Today there was an appointment with the carpenter for the door to the backyard of the new house. Tomorrow I’ll go plastering some more walls in the new house and at the end of the afternoon someone is coming to hopefully fix the washing machine here. I’ll have to write a letter to the insurance company about the car. I’m way behind with studying. It’s about time this crazy project has been finished. The name of the plastering material is ‘Fix and Finish’. It’s my mantra at the moment.

Day 26 of 40 Waterworks

2012-10-01T00:07:00.004+02:00

Dutchies are renown for water management. No wonder because there is a lot of water here. The Delta Works protect us with various ingenious constructions like dams and sluices. Women resemble waterworks in a way, I think. In times when they build up pressure they retain water (in their bellies and in their joints for example). As soon as the water reaches a certain level the sluices open, noticeable as they have to pee a lot more than usual. When the pressure keeps exceeding more levels, more sluices need to open (visible from tears streaming from their eyes).

Just kidding. Except for the streaming tears part. Can’t help it but the sluices seem to be stuck. I’ll let it go for now. At least it seems to help to remove the liquid of my swollen fingers. Moving houses within a time limit, even though 40 days seemed long enough, sucks.

Day 25 of 40 Two Houses make Half a Home

2012-09-30T00:40:00.000+02:00

This morning Mr. S rapidly transformed my present bedroom into a space where any sound echoes against concrete. But then, in the new house, he magically turned ‘just a room’ into the basis of a comfortable bedroom with my black fluffy carpet looking like new and fitting perfectly. Meanwhile my brother and my son worked on the central heating system and my daughters removed more wallpaper (more than 10 very big plastic bags full already and still some pieces to do).

In the afternoon they picked up another load of things that needed to be moved. My son and his sister carried a big carpet to the attic and placed it there and put another part of old carpet in the van to protect the more vulnerable and delicate furniture that needs to be transported.

Part of my wardrobe is already there as well, which required careful consideration of what clothes I still need here, since the real moving is more than a week away. So far the things we moved were things we don’t need so often and other things like a broom, the vacuum cleaner and the stepladder for example are going to and fro the old and new house because we need them sometimes here and other times there. Nothing is missing yet and that feels good. I wouldn’t like it to have to go in my car for 15 minutes to match my clothes but I would feel very annoyed when I don’t even know in which house I have to search for it.

Anyway, ‘Home is where the Heart is’ and now I grow fonder of the new house, my hearts travels between both houses and so is my mind.

Day 24 of 40 Plastered

2012-09-29T01:13:00.002+02:00

After a very long day and working like a dog we went to the Italian at 8:30 PM where Marloes had booked a table for seven. I could barely lift my fork as a result of all the carrying and plastering we did but it was very nice to be there together. Both my bedrooms are ready for Mr. S tomorrow morning to remove my carpet and replace it in the new house. I will wait here and watch him work while the kids will sand the walls there one more time before we’ll arrive there an hour or so later.

We’ve decided to do it that way because I am too criticizing to stop sanding in time. I think that the walls could become smoother but realize that I don’t have time to be a perfectionist on that. Plus, I wouldn’t be able to lift my arm anymore when I would continue.

Anyway, it was good to have a break with all the kids in the restaurant. And to have them helping me. Did I tell you already how wonderful they are? I love them to bits. Am I sentimental? And no, I’m not drunk from the Italian wine, although exhaustion can have the same kind of effect on me. And with my hair still tangled from the sanding powder I can say that I am plastered though.

Day 23 of 40 Size does Matter

2012-09-27T22:55:00.000+02:00

I have two railings from the vertical blinds that need to be transported from the new house to someone who likes vertical blinds more than I do. I thought I could do that with the van but one of the railings was more than 3 meters long and we couldn’t fit it in. I have to find another way but in the meantime I am very happy with the borrowed van for all the other stuff I can transport with it.

This afternoon I was in the lab in the university, testing people. My fingers were still swollen from the heavy work yesterday and I decided to give my body some rest. I also rescheduled the appointment with the estate agent one week further so I could buy myself a bit more time to level the backyard and doing the other things. When I got home my dear friend had a big surprise for me. He waited for me and showed me that he did a lot of work in the backyard. It is almost leveled! And more, he did find someone who brings some more dirt tomorrow so that job will almost certainly be ticked off my list tomorrow. When I hugged my friend to thank him I realized that men are better equipped for such heavy work than women.

This night I went only to the new house to measure the windows to see which blinds can be reused. And it turned out that everything I want to take with me will fit, although with some minor alterations.