Double RJ Ranch

2011-10-05T21:38:00.005-06:00

{Paralyzed}

Well hello.

You may have noticed that I haven't done a post update in quite some time.

Blogging is like exercising.....

if you don't keep up on it, you finally just say fuck it.

After so much time has gone by, it feels very overwhelming to know where to pick up and start the routine over again.

With this blogging diet yo-yo of emotion,

my imagination has been paralyzed.

I put way too many expectations on myself and how I want things represented and expressed.

WHY?!?

My Hell!!!

Why do I do that to myself???!?

It's just a stupid blog.

Ironically, as I am spewing my thoughts to you about this stupid blog,

I know that I am paralyzed because it isn't a stupid blog..... to me.

It is a documentation of my life and the way that I see it.

It is a release of creativity and laughter and twisted ideas.

So, let's start anew and rock this shit out!!!

I couldn't think of a better way to begin, than with a little story about a River, a Rockstar, and Random experiences.

Riv and I have been dying to go to a good outdoor concert before summer was over.

The Rockstar UPROAR festival was exactly what the rock-doc called for!

ChaChing!!!

10 bands for $25 buckaroos!

We were so in!

It rained most of the day before the concert start time, and we were ~~prepared~~ bummed to think we might have to cancel our night out.

Around 3 pm, the sun came shining through the dissipating clouds and we were back on, like donkey kong YO!

My decision to attend this concert series was made solely on price and venue.

I didn't particularly pine to see any one band in particular.

In fact, there were about half of the bands that I have never even heard of.

(yes, I know......geezer material in the making)

Following is the band line-up:

Hell Or Highwater, Art of Dying, Black Tide, Sevendust, Escape The Fate, Bullet For My Valentine, Seether, Three Days Grace, and Avenged Sevenfold.

We showed up around the end of Sevendust's performance.

Our first plan on the rock-agenda, was to find a stellar spot to put our big blanket on the lawn.

The 2nd plan was to get mom a beer and get River his first (ever) Rockstar beverage and a corndog.

3rd plan of action, was to walk around and look for peeps that Riv recognized from school...surprisingly, he only noticed a few.

4th plan was to buy an overpriced t-shirt for proof that Riv attended said concert.

5th plan was to navigate way back to comfy blanket and chillax for a while.

All plans played out in the way they were intended to.

Riv was sitting Indian legged, happy as a pig in shit, eating his corn dog and drinking an energy drink.

I was enjoying the warmth of the sun, my ice cold Evolution, and watching Riv be a free bird.

My concentration of how cute my kid is, was broke by River saying,

"I swear!!! I've never seen more 'Dog the bounty hunters and Billy the exterminators' all in one place before!!"

And he was right!!!

I really should have captured some good mullets and washed up butt-rockers for ya, but eh....

I didn't.

And now....I'm regretful.

You would have enjoyed some good, old fashioned, out dated, FUG coming through your screen.

This crowd was a dahoooozy!

I really enjoyed Seether and Three Days Grace.

They both have some good ballads that swoon my heart back to the 80's.

The heavy metal golden years, of deep sexual connotations merged with titillating guitar riffs.

Ahhhhh, be still my air drums......

NOW! those were the years that rocked!!!!

But then came the last band....

the headlining act:

Avenged Sevenfold.

River was using every muscle in his body to move to the horrific rhythm. He knew the words and knew the beat....

all I knew, was that I wanted to go home.

No...I'm not kidding!

I wanted to leave.

This band was dark and disturbing and ~~sang~~ screamed their lyrics.

I was NOT impressed and I was NOT wanting my kid to be this into this kind of band!

He begged me to let him just inch his way close to the stage!!!

I said no.

He begged me to let him go into the mosh pit!!!

I said HELL NO!

And THEN!!!

AND THEN!!!!

He asked me (under his breath) to please stay an appropriate amount of footage away from him!

Apparently I was ruining his "game".

"When did River get 'game'?", I asked myself in bewilderment.

I discreetly inch myself back to the area of the blanket that houses the washed up rocker chicks who are too lame-o to be seen with their 13 year old son.

Don't get me wrong....I was not hurt in the least.

On the contrary.

I was impressed and proud of River's independence and trust in me, that he could be honest and still know that I would adore him in the morning.

My best concert date ever :)

"A child is not a vase to be filled,

but a fire to be lit."

2011-07-21T20:01:00.001-06:00

{Calling all angels}

I have some kind of repelling shield around my little love cottage.

The shield does not allow music to come through the radio airwaves into the house.

OH WAIT!!!

Let me take that back.

I DO get one oldies and one Latino station.

Neither of which I am impressed with.

So a lot of my music pleasure is brought to me on satellite TV.

I saw a wonderful "crossroads" concert on Palladia.

They had crossed roads with Pat Monahan [lead singer of Train], and ol' what's her toe, Martina McBride.

Love Train [Pat Monahan]....not so much love for M.M.

Anyway, together they make good harmony in spite of my judgements of M.M

Check this out:

http://www.cmt.com/videos/misc/597369/a-broken-wing-martina-mcbride-train-cmt-crossroads.jhtml

Pat was asked a lil' somethin' somethin' about the meanings of his song "Calling all angels".

He said that people assume the song is about religion or spirituality.

And it is neither.

It is about your own internal goods and uglies.

Pat said that he was going through a very hard time in his life. He had consulted a counselor to help him sort out his issues. The counselor told him:

"In each one of us, we have a traitor and an angel.

It's time you start calling all your angels from within to help you."

I think this statement so profound.

It softens a person and takes away the hate, anomocity, and black thoughts.

I would rather be influenced by my angels than be a traitor to anyone.....

especially to myself.

2011-07-14T21:54:00.000-06:00

{things that ROCK my world}

Finding a sweet little health food store only 15 miles away,

ROCKS MY WORLD!!!!!

This is the place that supplies my fresh ground peanut butter addiction.

Cuz if momma doesn't have her afternoon nut delight on a cracker,

THEN EVERYONE PAYS!!!

I have weird food cravings and if I can't have what I want, I just don't eat.

no eat=cranky bitch momma

hmmmm.....I wonder why my boys always encourage me to

take time for myself

[which means, get the hell away from us cranky mommapants!]

AND to enjoy a shopping day at Mount Hope Foods!

[which also means, buy peanut butter in Utah type bulk because we think you are a mommacrazywomannutbreath!]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For your reading pleasure, I am giving you TWO things in ONE post that

ROCK the shit out of my world!!!

[obviously I've had my fix of peanut butter today! I'm feeling very froggy and generous]

24 HR gel eyeliner has saved my face from looking like Alice Cooper in this AZ heat and humidity!!!!

[I seriously have black smeared front to back and up/down and all around my eyeballs from the sweat when I use a pencil. I've never really noticed this problem happening before, except maybe from a drunken laugh.]

It does what it promises and is just as easy (possibly easier) as using a pencil. A bit spendy ($9), but worth every penny!!! I only have to use small amounts of the gel so I'm thinking this shiz could help me clear through the end of the year!!!!

btw: thank the make-up god that I quit using eyeshadow a couple of years ago!!!

[I just dust my lids with blush for a dash of color. This is what you resort to when you get old and lazy]

Eyeshadow and AZ is like a high fiber diet:

slides off slick as shit!

ewww gross!!!

sorry!!!!

I told you I'm high on peanuts right now!!!!

2011-07-13T09:21:00.000-06:00

{Chelise}

Happy 33rd birthday hot stuff!!!

We love you

2011-07-12T12:22:00.001-06:00

{WTF in review}

Hello :)

Long time not talkee.

Sorry.

I am still dealing with numb-dumb brain.

But I wanted to give you a review of our events from last week anyway....

Wanna hear it???

Here it goes:

1~ Chelise got a calf and Miss Kitty thinks that she is the calf's momma. She lays next to her and licks her nose. Roxy on the other hand, [the cracked out toad eater] licks the calf's butt area and lets it drop cowpies on her head....true story!

2~ While parking the Harley golf cart, Jax rammed the patio french doors on accident.

He thought the gas peddle was the brake and was continually pushing it while I was yelling "WHOA!!! WHOA!!!" Not much harm done...a broken screen door and a dent in a metal door. Thank God it's a rental house!

I can only imagine what will happen when he starts driving real cars!!

I'm very concerned.

3~ Randy fell off the back of his work truck.

You know when you think there is one more step down??

AND THERE ISN'T!

{thought you might want to get a load of Rand's home on the road}

4~ At 2 am we heard a loud BOOM from our back porch.

When Randy checked the source of the ruckus,

he came face to face with a big-ass coon!

The coon came out with his paws drawn ready to defend

the bucket of dog food that he stole fair and square!

Coon-1 Randy-0

5~ Jax woke me early one morn excited to show me that he had shot a gopher between the eyes with just one ~~bullet~~ BB.

He was scared to see if it was still alive without momma back up.

I asked him why he doesn't just poke it with a stick to see if it moves.

He said, "my lord mom!!!

have you ever seen their teeth?

i'm not smart, but i'm not stupid either!"

After a few rocks being thrown to ensure gopher death, we walked over to pick up the remains with a shovel.

Yep! Jax shot that big ol' leaf dead!

IT WAS A FREAKIN LEAF WE WERE TOYING WITH THE WHOLE TIME!

6~ Miss Kitty and Roxy tried to chase a skunk out of Chelise's yard.

Skunk-2

Roxy and M.K.-00

AND they need to be in a vinegar douche bath chamber for another week!

uhhhhck!!!!

Chelise's house took a whoopin too.

That skunk juice attaches itself to everything it can land on.

It reminds me of a green haze ghost flowing trough windows, doors and cracks, demonizing everything in it's path.

The skunks are probably the worst "wild thing" I have encountered here in the Verd.

7~ We celebrated Lyrik's 2nd birthday at a super fun water park in Phoenix.

I made it down the dark tube slide alive, yet needed a margarita to back it up.

While standing at the poolside bar, I hear a dude behind me say in a country twang,

"yer hair is runnin' orange down yer back".

The dude was Kenneth, Katie's Tennessee lovah,

and the orange was the remnants of my newly colored hair streaking dorkness down my back.

I will never be sophisticated!

dammit!

8~ While having a date night talk on the phone to Paula, I knocked a huge cockroach off of my head and on to my shoulder then flicked it onto the cement where I squished/popped him with my flip flop.

I never even said anything to Paula because I'm pretty sure that's something that would keep her from visiting.

But I guess you all should know the truth.

Bugs around here are the norm.

Cockroaches, crickets, beetles, spiders and moths.

But to compensate, we also get dragonflies, hummingbirds and huge butterflies.

I guess it's the yin yang of the country.

9~ We caught the skunk in a cage.

say hello to a 22 shell!

bye bye asshole!

10~ I wore short shorts.

I usually NEVER wear anything shorter than my knee cap because I have old lady skin and veins that look like rivers on a map.

But in this heat and humidity, I had no choice but to break out the daisy dukes!

I now have some understanding of why there are so many

"People of Walmart" photos!

You just get to the point that you say,

"hey! I would rather have YOU be in misery having look at me,

then ME be in misery from a clothing sweat lodge!"

It's called survival.

2011-07-06T14:14:00.001-06:00

{Todays new word is...}

I am experiencing my first real Arizona monsoon season as a resident.

With monsoon season, comes dust storms called "Habubs" pronounced "hah-boobs".

My new favorite word of the summer is

HAH-BOOBs!!!

HAH-BOOBs

I'm sure there are a few teenage boys that made it to second base this summer of 2011 and consider hah-boobs their favorite word too.

[wink, wink]

BTW: Speaking of learning new words, I found it funny that Riv's AZ friend from the neighborhood didn't know what "heck" meant.

Guess you gotta be from Utah to know that there is no such thing as hell...unless you say the word hell, then you will definitely go to hell! So in Utah we only say heck cuz we all want to go to heaven :)

2011-07-05T07:25:00.000-06:00

{You jus let dem play bingohhh}

Randy spent the last week (5 long days) working on equipment at a mine located near the four corners.

He said that he got the gammit of weather hysteria.....

wind

heat

sand blasts in orfaces

and hail, the size of golf balls.

I am as disappointed as you are that we are not looking at a picture of Randy doing a back bend over the 4-corners monument to prove that he had a body part in four states at once. I'm envisioning his foot and ass area would be appropriate closer to the Colorado/New Mexico divide....and of course, his head and heart area in the Utah/Arizona split.

To help keep him company during this lonely time, he called upon the Native Spirits. And No, I'm not talking about Injin alcohol or a squaw named Spirit!!!

I'm talking about

NAVAJO RADIO!!!!!!!!

This week in the Navajo Nation, the DJ encouraged all to:

GOHHH OUHHT AND HAVE A GREAT DAYHHH!

LET YOUR KIDS GOHHH PLAYHH BINGO IF DATS WHAT DEY WANT TO DOHHH!

DEY HAVE WORKEDHHH HARD FOR DER MONEYHHHH

AND DEY SHOULDHHH BE ABLE TO PLAYHH BINGO!

YOU JUS LET DEM PLAYHHH!

ALSO TODAYHHH,

GO OVER TO DA WAHHLMART AND SAY HELLO TO AN ELDER!

DEY CAN USE A SMILE!

DEY WORK HARD FOR DER MONEYHH TOOHHH!

ANYONE WHO WORKHHH HARD FOR DER MONEYHH CAN HAVE FUN PLAYING BINGO!

ALSO TODAYHHH,

WE WILL HAVE SOME BIGHHH WINDS,

AND HAIL WILL COME DOWN ON YOUHHH.

GOHHH OUHHT AND HAVE A GREAT DAYHHH!

After 10 minutes, Randy was very thankful for the invention of the ipod nano to get him through the week.

Even though he denies hitting the BINGO parlor while in Navajo country, I caught him yelling O-69 in his sleep last night ;)

sorry....that one was bad.

2011-07-04T22:11:00.004-06:00

{Anyone have some water???

Cuz baby, I'm on FIYAH!}

Hey!!!

Look at me!!!

I'm a pharaoh!

A foil pharaoh that can tune in Tokyo AND any extra-terrestrial intelligence!

OH WAIT!

I'm getting some news in right now....

ddddt....ddddt....ddddt.......

The aliens would like me to tell the Earthpeeps a couple of things:

1~ Chaz Bono has been accepted into Mars and his/her citizenship to Venus has been revoked.

2~ Each time someone farts a Mexi-food, Asian-food, or Arab-type-food.....

it ads another ring of fire to Saturn.

Just an F.Y.I.

OK!! Enough about E.T!!!!

Let's talk about M.E!!!!!

My roots had grown a good 3-fingers, and I looked like a hag.

I keep saying that it's my blonde growing through my scalp, but I'm starting to question if it isn't really grey :(

Regardless, I looked like an old, bad haired, hag with a capital H!!!!!

Katie said that she would rescue my mane and work her magic to transform me into

ONE HOT MOMMA*!!!

She had learned a new technique and was dying to try it on someone.

(pun totally in ten did!)

I said "PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!"

And she did!!!!

*One hot momma means, my hair is done to look like it is on FIYAH!!!!!!

The scalp starts out VERY vibrant and then it gradually fades reds into a blonde at the ends.

IT'S GENIUS!!!!!

can you feel the heat????

I LOVE IT!!!!!

DO YOU LOVE IT?!?!?!?

I LOVE IT!!!!

DO YOU LOVE IT?!?!?!?

This is so much fun!

I feel like a ROCK STAR!!!

I figure that I only have a few good years left to be able to pull off these "funky-cold-medina" styles.

Trust me! I'm not going to try to compete with Courtney Love*.

Who could compete with a hole on crack anyhow???

*Carol, this explanation is for you because you might be confused right now.

Courtney Love is a drugged out rock star and had a band named Hole.

I would like to thank my hair extraordinaire, Katie Scarlet, for making me feel

young, spunky, rockin, funky and HOT again!!!!

Thanks Kate:)

I needed that.

2011-06-27T10:40:00.005-06:00

{I'm just thankful no one died}

Whew!!!! They did it!!!

The boys made it through the week of rehearsals and gave us an amazing show on Saturday!!!

I can not believe the amount of work all of the children dedicated to their parts.

It really confirms the spirit and power children hold.

I will start the slideshow with a disclaimer:

This man, you all know him as THE RAND, was the photographer.

I can tell you this.....

things looked much better in person compared to what you see in these pics!!!!

This is a good example of what I mean!!!

Chelise and I looked WAAAAYYY hotter

(or at least I'm pretty sure we did...now I'm doubting)

when you looked at us with your own eyeballs and not thru this F-U-G captured moment!

I'm blaming my thick face, eye wrinkles, cheesy smile and bad hair color to The Rand's photographic disability. Cuz ya know, it's always the man's fault!

The boys had many supporting friends/family in the audience.

Good buddy Gale and Sharon (our supah-fly neighbors),

Grandma Carol (She's the one that you can only see one eye closed and a partial tip of nose)

Auntie E (She's the one red eye and ear lady)

Again, the wonderful photography that happens in the hand of THE RAND!

Shelbs and Justin

and...the Cashman begging for dum (aka gum).

The show had children of all school ages.

It was a kick to watch each of their personalities.

Of course, the younger they were, the more we ooo'd and ahhh'd over their cute voices and dance steps.

A line of toy soldiers sure highlighted the ADHD factor in boys!

This group of kids would sporadically march through the play singing an ABC song and skipping.

Some of them would sing, "A-B-C", then run out of steam because of the foot work involved, then pick back up at "H-I-J".

The evil puppeteer, Stromboli, was perfectly casted, and a DYNA-MO on stage.

but off stage.....total stank DORK-O.

He is definitely made for Broadway in a BIG way!

So, Jax's character was named "Candlewick".

This is the name that made me assume he was a candle.

Apparently, I was wrong!

He is Pinocchio's best friend, and wears a white t-shirt and leather.

He has a gang of lil' Candlewicks that mirror his image.

I don't get what leather and sunglasses has to do with a candlewick, but who am I to say they gave a stupid name to my kid?!?!?

Jax and Pinocchio had a solo song.

Jax did a great job memorizing ALL of his lines, and really got into his character.... especially when he was turned into a jackass and had neck ties as donkey ears.

We had some concern just moments before the show started.

There was a scuffle back stage and Jax almost killed a boy!

I'm not exaggerating when I use the word kill.

Luckily, River and some advising adults stepped in when they saw Jax jump from the floor with fire shooting from his eyes and heading for the other kid's neck!

The story told to me, was that this other kid kept pushing Jax's buttons, (not an uncommon occurrence when it comes to Jax), Jax had done well up until this point to ignore the kid and move on.

BUT Jax just couldn't take it anymore once the kid (who happens to be Hispanic), called Jax an asshole in Spanish!

The "Spanish asshole" comment was interpreted to Jax by a Chinese kid!?!?!?

Jax went ape-shit and went in for the mexi-retaliation.

He was restrained and calmed down by a couple of adult helpers.

These kids down here have NO idea who they are dealing with...

do they?!?!?!?

They will soon learn that

you can't scare crazy!

And when I say crazy, I mean Jax.

???????you all think I make this shit up don't you???????

All I know, is that there was a Jax, a Chinese kid, a Mexican, and a Spanish Asshole involved.

I'm just thankful no one died.

(you don't know how many times I've said that at the end of the day!)

Then we have Riv :)

The Assistant Director/Stage Manager!!!

The dude was exhausted from all of the hard work he had put in.

He was happy to be seen in front of the crowd since he had been behind the scenes all week.

The director called Riv on stage to introduce his "right hand man" and acknowledge his works.

After the evening show was over, and we helped pack up the set, the director pulled River, the Pinocchio, and the Cat character to the side and invited them to an acting summer camp in Montana for a week.

River was honored and proud :)

It would be an amazing experience for Riv, and probably only cost me $10,000!

We will keep you posted.

Be looking for the donation envelope in the mail :)

Only a dollar a day can feed a starving actor in Montana.

Make checks payable to me....

The boys were so damn cute on stage, standing side by side.

They gave each other the "right on" nod, then moved into their sacred "brother" hand shake*.

*consists of some knuckles, elbows, chest bump and twittering fingers.

This momma couldn't be more proud of her boys and thankful for the support that was given to them.

hmmmmm, I wonder what's next???

Maybe Spanish/Chinese lessons???

aaaaaa assholio muy kung pow

2011-06-24T13:44:00.000-06:00

{ahhh!!! it burns!}

After yesterdays Pinocchio rehearsals, they had a "stage make-up" workshop.

Jax was the best Spidey-man I've ever seen in real life!!!!!

He was doing good with the paint mask for about an hour....

THEN it started to BURN!!!!!

"MOM!!!!! IT BURNS!!!

IT BURNS!!!!

GET IT OFF!!!

AAAHHHHHAAAAARRRRAAAHHHH!!!!!"

I sent him straight to the kitchen sink along with my make-up remover and a washcloth in hand.

We started by sticking his head in direct aim of the water sprayer,

then I smeared his face in remover cream.

SCRUB

and this is as good as it got!!!!

my own rasp-berried Groucho Marx!!!!

At this point, we were declaring war on this shiz!!!!

My ammo????

A bath pouf

A squirt of shampoo

A dash of mineral oil

And a pump of Randy's industrial hand cleaner!

Now that Jax is free of any residual face paint, zits or skin,

we are careful to keep him out of the sun and the make-up chair!

Poor kid!

He just wanted to save the world [and pretty red headed girls] with his Spidey alter-ego.

Who knew he would have to be de-faced and scrubbed like dirty potato!?!

2011-06-23T09:17:00.000-06:00

{the lunch lady}

This is what you get when Chelise makes your lunch......

effed up sandwiches with love notes.....

and a TO DO list along with daily affirmations* to help throughout your day.

*Randy has been sent to the Indian reservations in the middle of nowhere to work in the mines.

Along the way, he listens to a Native ratio station.

Supposedly, there is a lot of long breath pausing, and every word is drawn out with a hhhhhhhhh at the end:

~YAH TA HAY

~NOWHHH [pause, heavy breath]

GO OUT, [pause, heavy breath]

HAVE YOURSELF A GOODHH DAYHHHH

~HIYIYIYI HIYIYIYI HIYIYIYI

~ITS GONNA BE HHHHHOT TODAYHHH [pause, heavy breath],

STAY INSIDE YEHHHR CHEVY TRUCKHHHH

~MY SEETERHHH JUS STOPPEDHH IN [pause, heavy breath]

SHE SAY TO TELL YOU ALLHH TO HAVE A GOOD DAYHHHH TOOHHH.

Sometimes you just gotta eat effed up samiches and interpret Navajo.

when in Rome......

2011-06-22T19:31:00.001-06:00

{Pinocchio, the boy with long wood}

I am so sorry for the lack of posting, phone calling, and letting you all know what's going on.

I seriously have a BAD case of ~~writers~~ bloggers block.

I have a list of subjects and stories that I want to share, but my creativity and humor in writing, has come to a crossroads.

WHICH REALLY SUCKS BECAUSE

I LOVE TO WRITE!!!!!!

WTF IS WRONG WITH ME???!!?

My personal diagnosis is that I am not in a comfort zone yet.

A lot of my belongings are still packed in trailers.

I have a make-shift computer station that lacks a printer and a fucking envelope* because it's all buried.

*had an envelope break down yesterday.

It's those simple "norms" and conveniences that I value around me.

Without everything in it's Feng shui place, my mind feels like a shell with nothing but a big hoarding mess.

We are continuing to rent the little grey love shack until we figure out where our permanent landing place will be.

So, until then, I will be mind hoarding in idiotic mind chaos.

The ironic part, is that in the crappy circle of mental prison,

writing is EXACTLY what I need to do to free it.

I really, really, really, super badly miss it!

I've decided that I need to start posting again.

Even if it's a short ramble, lame content and rediculously boring without pictures.

WHAT AM I SAYING?????

...I have to post pictures...

to me, they are like earrings,

they add bling and personality,

and you should NEVER not have them!

I at least have that much sense left!

Anyway, I hope you can put up with the mumbo jumbo for a bit.

Soooooooooo, to the real story at hand.

We stopped in to the local library, which is located in a modular type building, and is only open to lend their outdated books, 3 days a week.

I guess we got lucky to land on a "library open" day since the local swim pool was at capacity (88) and we had to take the kids to do a new outing.

(btw: kids would NOT rather do the library over the swim pool....just an FYI in case you try to change an outing course)

Posted on the cork board was a red flyer announcing Pinocchio auditions at the middle school on June 20.

Jax spotted the sign and nudged me over to read it.

He decided that since entertaining is his passion*, and he is pretty good at it, that he should go to the try outs :)

*so glad he loves himself

To my surprise, Riv piped up that he would like to go too!

(remember his stint with the lead role in a school Shakespeare play?)

Apparently, my boys like the spot light?!?!?!

hmmmm, they must get that from the Rand :)

Monday morning we were excited and hopeful as we walked into the 8:45 auditions.

Both boys received parts (THANK GOD!) that were made for them!!!

Riv was chosen to be the Assistant Director/Stage Manager!!!

He is loving bossing people around, assisting with lines, and making sure that the stage is working play order.

Jax's role is called Candlestick.

Candlestick has a posse of five.

Jax is to act gangsta-ish and make people laugh with humorous lines and actions.

They are allowing him to improv with his own funnies.

He even received a standing ovation yesterday among his peers and leaders!

He threw a holy livin' fit when he was given the part of Candlestick. He thought it was a chinsy role, and he was jealous of Riv's position......

that was until he found out that he has MORE lines than Pinocchio, and he get's to be all,

YO YO YO HOMEY!!!!

The play opens on Saturday for two showings.

This daily ritual of getting up, dropping off, activity for boys, and then famished/sleepy children.....

brings a sense of "normal" back to my life.

I can't help but love the stimulation of keeping us active in some kind of artsy fartsy funs.

Slowly....we will build our life in the comforts we know :)

loves

xoxoxo

2011-06-17T10:25:00.002-06:00

{Harley-Davidson Parking Only}

Randy pee'd his pants a little and then screamed like a hormonal girl when he saw that our neighbor was having a yard sale!!!!!

AND IN THAT YARD SALE WAS THIS HARLEY!!!!!!!

This very unique Harley.

Yes, it's a 3 wheel (trike) Harley-Davidson golf cart.

Look close and you can see the red/purple flames overlapping the sparley black paint.

vrrrrrmmmm, vrmmmmmm cool!!!

Randy only spent $200 on the cart!!!!!

We were thrilled by the great deal our nice old country folk gave us :)

And then I pee'd my pants a little, and screamed like an ugly girl with no date to the prom, when he came home with $800 worth of BATTERIES for the damn thing!

The kids love it!!!!

I'm gonna love it once I install some of those twirly-bird wind flags and a few of those 4-wheelin spot lights on the top so I can see my way home from Chelise's while being too intoxicated and scared to walk alone in the dark.

In the Verd, it's legal to

drive drunk in golf carts,

throw yer kids in the back of an open truck bed with no seat belts and drive 45 mph down a rutted dirt road with everyone bouncing like ping pong balls,

and burn anything that you can fit in a steel barrel right out front of your house!!!!!

Super FUN!!!!

Come visit me people!

Doesn't this golf cart and the poisonous toads and barrel fires lewer you in?!?!?!?

If that answer is no.....then let me tempt you with a possible experience to the main street in Verde town.

THERE IS A FEED/LIQUOR/LOTTO/AMMO

store........

with a drive up window!!!!

Now come on!!!! You have to admit....

You aint never gonna see one of those in the big city!!!!

2011-06-16T11:57:00.000-06:00

{small town drug problem}

Meet Roxy.

She's the red headed bitch step child to Chelise.

Roxy is brilliant when it comes to herding cattle, horses, or kids......

but there is another side to Roxy that we are all concerned about.

ROXY HAS A TOAD ADDICTION!

A POISONOUS TOAD ADDICTION!

At first, we all would feel bad for her when we would see swollen eyes and mouth frothing from the side effects of toad poison.

We must have been in a denial that one of our own had a problem. They say that denial is common in parents, and we have chosen to NOT beat ourselves up for it.

We finally opened our eyes to the fact that ROXY eats poisonous toads for the hallucination high of it!

This bitch is stoned out of her mind!

She lays around drooling with her eyes drugged into slits.

Her head sways back and forth as if everything is moving in slow motion.

I hadn't realized that we were moving to a small town drug problem.

I think we have lost Roxy to the toads, but It's been a good subject to talk to Miss Kitty about.

M.K. has pledged to be toad free and also skunk free.

Hopefully we can save at least one dog life out of telling our story.

2011-06-14T15:01:00.001-06:00

{hi friends}

I am able to take a moment and update you on our life up to this point.....

BUT first, let me give you a little behind the scenes to our move.

On Easter weekend, we came to AZ to visit our family.

It was a very tearful, heart-wrenching goodbye as we made our way back to UT.

Randy turned to me and said,

"Can we just move already?!?"

He's been wanting to make the move for years.

I dug my feet into the Utah soil thinking that that's where my everything was. Utah is all I know besides the few 8 years growing up in Idaho. We had set up our Utah life to work for us...boys had a great scout group, Randy had a kick-ass job, I had a running clinic which broke my foot, and we all had great friends.

It was too overwhelming for me to leave something that was already OK.

But after much love and support and help was offered to us by my AZ family, I went with my heart and told Randy,

"yes, we can move."

It only took a week, and he had already landed a great job in Flagstaff, we had 4 good offers on our house and it sold within 2 days! Before I knew it......my AZ family was in UT ready to pack us up and caravan outta there!!!!!!

This is the view from my car.

It's very emotional watching my life travel down the freeway.

We moved on Memorial Day.

One truck load was sent with Justin the day before, and one more will come up with Paula and Jay D in a few weeks. The rest of it we smooshed into these three cargo trailers and two cars.

Miss Kitty sat in the passenger seat next to me.

We rocked out to Kings of Leon, cried a little bit, and prayed outloud for safety to all who graciously took time out of their lives to create this move for us.

Amazingly, out of all the vehicles, trailers, and tires involved, we didn't have ONE problem!

The wind and angels were at our back pushing us the entire way.

The first week we stayed at Chelise's beautiful casa....we all collapsed and needed that week to rejuvenate.

Then a little grey house next door came available for rent.

We spent the next few days cleaning and moving in.

(front)

Welcome to my little love cottage :)

(back)

The house is 1800 sq ft. (2000 sq. ft smaller than my UT house!!!)

3 bedrooms 2 baths

I can see Chelise's house from my back porch.

A ditch divides the two properties and we are working on building a bridge to make easier access.

The view from the road

Elise bought us this bell for a house warming gift.

When the bell tolls, it means a couple of things......

it's dinner time, or beer:30.

Sometimes it means both.

Chelise can hear it from her house....

since my celly gets almost NO reception in this neck of the woods, we have gone to communicating in bell language.

A good yell "CAW CAW" can also be heard and interpreted into whatever you want too.

(kitchen)

(dining/living room)

(master bedroom)

I've already lost Riv to the country.

He's been cleaning stalls and mowing lawns in trade for horse riding lessons from Chelise.

She says hes a natural and they both enjoy sharing the equine passion together.

A pretty common sight is:

~kids painted in mud and barefoot from swimming in the ditch and catching water skeeters

~BB gun bottle shootouts

~and these supah fun tractor/wagon rides.

Well, I hear the goats calling me....guess I better go kick a turd now.

I promise to add more posts and humor soon.....

I've just been a lil' bit busy lately :)

please forgive me.

btw: to those of you who placed a bet on me wearing camel-toe Wranglers and shit kickers by now were totally wrong!!!!

(and you know who you are!

(((((Paula and Adrianne!))))))

I only wear a bun and prairie skirt!

SO THERE!

2011-06-04T14:50:00.000-06:00

{no hitch in this giddy-up}

Well, we made it to our destination without any bumps in the road.

Life is moving along with a sense of normalcy and comfort.

??is normalcy a word??

That is, if you wanna count walking goats on leashes down the road with two dogs herding their every move. All the while, four kiddies are zooming past on wobbly bicycle tires with wind and dragonflies blowing in their hair... normal.

This is my new normal.

And I/we love it.

More adventures to come soon....

moving convoy pics on their way!!

stay with me people....stay with me!

xoxoxoxo

btw: i suk at spelng and spel chek iznt workng, so u hav to ber wit me on thiz one.

woo woo kearns high for giving me a great edgumication!!!

2011-05-30T12:00:00.013-06:00

{new roots}

As you are reading this post,
we are driving with a convoy of all of my worldly goods to a new life.

As a family, we have made the decision to move to Arizona.

It's been an emotional struggle of a year.
Family members that bury their head to life changing issues, lack of respect and protection for innocent people and immoral conduct without consequence, has been the key sickness in it all.

I have cut ties with most of my biological Utah family.
This includes my dad and his chain of women and children.
And with the utmost anger and disappointment, I will leave Utah with a big
FUCK YOU!

We are being welcomed with embrace and love from my Arizona family. I also welcome the support and help that they are graciously giving us.

New adventure.
New way.
New roots.

To those of you who have been my Utah support network and given us much care and devotion......
I will leave Utah with a big
LOVE YOU!

As a good friend told me,
"Proximity does not make or break true friendships"
I hold this quote in my mind to keep the tears from running.

I'm am going to miss you all
so much.
Our "couples" dinners and date nights
Our sing-a-longs
Our girl lunches
Our concerts
Our Bendover trips
Our nights by the fire drinking too much wine and smoking too many ciggies
Our help with decorating each other's houses
Our fashion shows and dependence of each other's opinions on a new outfit
Our comfort of looking into each other's faces for a sincere show of compassion or joy
Our hugs....
the tangible touch.

But please remember my lovees:
There are never too many miles that can keep my heart away from you.

Before I get any more babble-y or emotional....
I will end this announcement.

Please stay with me and be patient with my lack of posting for a bit.
We will be settled in to our new home soon, and I will keep you in "the know" along the way.

Goodbye my friends and foes.....
Goodbye Utah
Se La Vi

2011-05-25T16:19:00.000-06:00

{Smash me baby one more time...

crank it, crank it down now!}

About a week after my buttermilk bicsuit smack down, I received a call that they had found "an abnormal mass" in my left breast.

They needed me to go to the Breast Center for addition scans.

When you hear abnormal or mass in the same sentence with breast,

your.

heart.

stops.

Your life begins to play in a fast forward loop through your head.

You remember the ladies who say,

"that phone call changed my life".

I really tried to stay calm, and possitive.

Until I knew exactly what was massin' around in lefty, I didn't want to cause a scare in my self or my loved ones by voicing it outloud.

My testing day was May 13th.

The anniversary of my brother's death.

I was emotional anyway, but started to get all dramatic on myself by saying,

"of course, the day my brother died is going to be the day I find out I have cancer!!!

isn't this nice....hey life!!

why you gotta beat me with the asshole stick today????"

I decided to definitely wear a better shoe and outfit this time around.....if I'm gonna be hit with the whammie, then I'm gonna look good doing it!!!!

As you can see from the pic above, the embellished wedge looks much better than my Nike runners along side THE boot.

Because there is never an excuse to be a fashion victim OKAY!!!

(((snap left, snap right, and take it down low)))

I was in the waiting room sitting along side three other women.

All three were decades older than me.

They didn't seem as nervous as I.

I assumed that this open gown and squeezin' process is 'old hat' for them by now.

The waiting room door opened and I look up to see a familiar face staring back at me.

It was my biscuit lady MAROLYN!!!!

(Now mind you....I am in a totally different facility than my first mammy.)

She tilted her head and with soft eyes said,

"Jolie honey, I get to take care of you today".

I was so relieved and felt like I had just been bundled in a warm receiving blanket.

Marolyn treated me as one of her own daughters.

You know those kind of women that has enough motherly love to share with those who are in need of a momma for the day.

She gave me compassion, a tight hug, and words to help me stay strong.

(not my breast...btw)

Marolyn explained, that they had found calcification in Lefty-Lucy.

The pictures were similar to the one above, but in mine, there is a trail of these spots (about 8 little dots) running across the length.

It reminded me of stars in the sky...

we can refer to it as the Lil Dipper.

Calcification in breast tissue can be a warning sign of tumors.

The Breast Center obviously specializes only in breasts, and has radiologists reading the x-rays as the boobies are being scanned.

Many requests were made by the radiologist for Marolyn to adjust, squish, and manipulate poor Left-wina for a better read of where the Lil Dipper was isolated.

Marolyn worked her magic and was able to get all of the shots exactly the way that the doctor had asked for.

I'm not gonna lie.....

I was throbbing, and achy and felt like something came up and sucker-punched me in the chest.......

with a meat tenderizer!

I was as red and purple as a grape fruit stand.

I think it was that last maneuver she had to do that put me over the edge.

One word: crank!

After placing my boob in between the plastic plates, and then pushing the floor peddle to enact the squeeze, she reached for the top of a large screw crank!!!

She cranked my tit in a ringer people!!!

A FRIGGIN' CRANK R.I.N.G.E.R!!!!

Marolyn felt bad :(

I told her with tears in my eyes and a body tremor,

"oh it wasn't so bad".

She knew I was lying.

This whole process took close to an hour...

put boob in, take boob out, doctor reads scan

and on and on......

Finally, Marolyn said that we were done and led me to a room where the doctor wanted to talk to me.

Between the fear and the bodily trauma just received, I was beading sweat from every pore.

The doc and I shook hands, and he began to explain that Lil Dipper is in my skin tissue and not my mammary tissue.

He apologized for the amount of testing, but he wanted to be sure of his results.

Having calcification in the skin tissue is of no cancer worry.

CAN I GET A WHEW AND A HELL YAH AND A WHOOP WHOOP!!!!

You know you're in a place that means "tit in a ringer" business when they supply you with deo to deal with the after effects of the crank!!!

2011-05-24T12:14:00.002-06:00

{Well hello!

I find you sexy...open wide}

I've been seeing my dentist for over 20 something years.

He's a great dentist!!!!

THE GREATEST!!!!!

We've been through a lot together....

~his midlife stage of the "man pony tail",

~my front veneer that decided to reject, and my gums turned black,

~his tango moves that he had to show me during his "dance lessons" phase,

~my bad breath that oozed from the depths of my gut due to a night of partying before an appointment,

(there's a reason why they wear the face guard!!!

it's sure as hell NOT for our protection!)

~his gentle manner to welcome my boys into the dentist chair, which by the way, they have never been afraid of the dentist because Dr. C. has made it comfortable and easy,

and lastly,

~his compassion and acknowledgment of my loved ones lost along the way.

So, I guess you could say that there's been a fun, respectful, long relationship between my pearly yellow/whites, my entire fam, and Dr. C.

But a little something different happened yesterday when I showed up for my 6 month check......

Something that left me a bit speechless...

and not because I had a plastic dental apparatus in my mouth!

Dr. C. didn't recognize me at first with my new red locks....I could tell because he was giving me that look like,

"hmmmm....where do I know her from".

When he finally came and sat along side of my reclined chair, he said,

"WOW! You are a redhead! You are meant to be a redhead!!!! Look at your skin coloring and your eyes! The first thing I thought was 'that is a beautiful woman, the kind that you don't want to mess with because she takes charge!'...

I find this hair color very sexy on you".

Yep, he said it, and then there was the weird uncomfortable silence that would have welcomed a loud fart just to break up the mute in the air.

I think he spewed his thoughts without control and we all had regret after.

But as the day went on, I kept thinking about his mouth purge, and I got a little smile.

Because as I have said before, it doesn't matter if a compliment comes from the boobie dough roller* or your family plaque expert.......

I'M TAKING THE DAMN COMPLIMENT!!!!!!!

*I have a continuing story regarding the lefty boob, the vice grip, and the biscuit lady!!!

Working on it.....

2011-05-23T18:16:00.000-06:00

{We are a true life sitcom}

(Lisa, Derek, Lynsie, Jay, Me, The Rand, Paula and Jay D)

Whenever me and all my sistas from otha mistas,

and my brothas from otha mothas get together,

I get caught up in the laughter and appreciation of the individual personalities that make up this table full of friendship.

I've always thought we would make a great new NBC sitcom!!!

Since the name "Friends" has already been used,

I think the name "Super funny, cool, good looking people having a hella fun life!"

Yah.....I think that would describe it well!

Wow.....

I know good when I see it!

And my friends are more than good,

they are genuine heart and soul.

I'm one lucky girl

2011-05-23T17:48:00.000-06:00

{mi casa crapo....su casa crapo}

We had a la grand yard sale on Saturday.

I pretty much sold 1/2 of my house.

I had the sale posted for 8 am, which in "yard sale-er" terms means 7 am.

I woke straight out of bed at 5:45 with anxiety that I wouldn't have all my shiz displayed by the time the pack o' wolves came to rape my goods!

I started by laying out blankets as a way of categorizing my merchandise.

I had a seasonal decor area, two interior design decor stations, a beauty corner, children's toys/games plot, and then miscellaneous stuffs scattered about.

I felt pretty good about my organization of it all.
(yes, I am in intense therapy for my control issues)

The bigger items were strategically placed on our big slab o'cement.

A kind of a "staging" effect if you will.

You gotta make people think that if this stuff looks rockin on grey cement, the possibilities are endless in their own home!!!

I started the day with this money bag hanging cross-ways around my body joined with a cup of coffee.

I didn't let either one off of my own persons the entire time!!!

I think they were my security blanket.

Ya know, like one of those stress balls that you grip til your hands turn blue.

Yah, that's what they were!!! My stress reliever blue balls!

(Adrianne and her mom, Barb)

We had THE best customers!!!!!

Friends, neighbors and dozens of Mexican families came from all over to support our money pouch.

The sales staff was top notch!!!!!

Workers on duty: Paula, Lisa, Aunt T, Jay D, My boys, Me and sometimes Randy.

Randy was a little hung from the night before, so he was half mast most of the day.

We came out with over $2100!!!!!!

We had sold most of everything. We have a small load to take to the D.I., but nothing that I would have made another $20 bucks on anyway.

I was so shocked at how fast our stuff moved out of here!!!

Considering the known fact that I hate hosting yard sales,

this was a really fun day!!!!!!

Randy's buddy from work brought two sacks of authentic home made tamales that we laid out for everyone to enjoy.

It was the perfect combination of sunshine, great friends, loving family, yummy food, and lot's of money :)

Thanks y'all!

xoxoxooxo

2011-05-20T14:18:00.000-06:00

{DON'T feed the birds!!}

My nice little gazebo/firepit/partay central, has been over run by a fleet of robin red breasts!

This one is the matriarch.

I swear that she stares at me with gloat that her little nests have moved in on my territory!

Little bitch!

They have made a shit parade of my sanctuary!

All my cushions and tables are smeared with pooh...

and if that isn't enough!!!

they drop blue eggs out of their asses left and right!

Normally I would have sympathy for a baby robin that has been splattered to it's death,

BUT NOT THIS TIME!!!!

OH no!!! Not this time!

These birds are goin' DOWN!

I'm giving the boys their BB guns and rain/bird shit coat to set out for a war!

Today's lesson:

Never SHIT on the head that feeds you!!!!

2011-05-17T08:21:00.002-06:00

{Mutha's Day}

I have been VERY busy lately....

too busy to blog, which says a lot because I loves me blog!

I will fill you in on the details of my busy-ness soon....

I'm just waiting for the right time to SHABANG you all with my news!

I've been so caught up with the SHABANG, that Mother's Day flew past and I forgot to share some of my boys' hand made gifts.

As you see with the picture above, Jax surprised me with one of his famous signs.

I'm just happy there isn't an F.U. somewhere in this one!

Below are cards that each dude thought out and created with all the love they had in their heart :)

Happy Muzairs Day!

Riv threw in a French twist....

Ummm hmmm!

Who doesn't love a French twist?!?

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jax's card is very thought out.....

In Jax's head anyway.

It's really cute, but I don't know what it's saying!!!!

Apparently I am somewhere on Earth and.....

um....I am bald.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

K...I'm gonna need a drum roll please

ddddmmmmdmdmdmdmmdmdmmdmmmm...

The last card is from the Rand.

Please brace yourselves for this kind of never before seen artistry.

"You're way hotter than I can draw"

Awe

LMAO!!!!! with tears included!

Just a few things that I am extremely grateful for regarding this card:

1~That I am hotter than he can draw

2~He gave me full lips, a skinny neck, and decent hair

3~He hasn't used this artwork for a permanent tattoo to show his un-dying love for me.

(I've seen those scary face tattoos before)

I had a very "colorful" and pampered Mother's Day with many of my loves surrounding me.

I hope your Momma's Day was Frenchie, Earthy, and Hotter than a drawing, beautiful too!

xoxoxo

2011-05-13T14:18:00.002-06:00

{Damon}

I love you

I had a dream that I came across a picture of Damon carrying River on his shoulders as a toddler.

They both had a carefree smile and joy in their eyes.

I was confused because Damon died four years before River was born.

I was in mourning when I awoke because I wanted to have the luxury of looking at that picture every day.

Maybe the dream-picture was just a way of showing me that Damon will help me carry my boys to higher ground when in need.....

I want to believe that.

(Damon's pride and joy...

his red Ford truck with the license plate

"NO SNIVELING")

16 years living without Damon....

It sounds so obscene to hear that sentence out loud.

Time goes by faster with each year passing....

Time makes the pain more bearable.....

But time cannot stop my love or the pining I have for my brother......

and I continue to snivel.

2011-05-11T21:40:00.000-06:00

{my lovely lady lumps}

The day before mother's day, three of my beautiful friends and I gave our tata's a look of appreciation and then covered them with a Susan B. Komen t-shirt.

We walked the streets of SLC along with 20,000 new friends.

The mood, the love, the aura, the survivor, the honored spirit, the support, and the grief, were just snippets of the emotion felt collectively.

I walked in honor of my Mother-in-law Carol who is a breast cancer survivor.

Paula walked in memory of her Mother-in law Jeannie.

I was so proud of her.

Sometimes I would get teared up seeing the sign on her back and the side profile of her face.

I am sad that Jeannie never had the opportunity to meet the mother of her grandchildren.

She would have been proud.

The thousands of people walking in memory of their loved ones broke me!

And I'm not even showing you the children that walked with their daddy's and had their momma's name in memory pinned to their back!!!

Little babes living without their moms, yet walking in honor for other children's mothers.

love makes the world go round.

Along the 3.1 miles, were teams of supporters.

This particular team was the "BOO BEE'S".

Pink was seen for miles and miles.

This was a spectacular sight to witness.

The finish line was in the center of the Gateway Mall.

Volunteers passed out water and oranges.

1:22.20 was our time from start to finish.

There was no hurry.

The walk was very easy and leisurely.

We took it at a turtle's pace enjoying the scenery and catching up on each other's lives.

I'm proud of all of us for making this happen!

We just never know......

our efforts may someday help one of us.

Hey Ladies:

I love you and your lady lumps!

tata for now

WE ROCK!!!!