Doug Funnie is Crazy

Episode 51: Doug’s Best Buddy

2016-12-08T11:07:00.001-08:00

Doug is excited about something finally happening. His best friend from Bloatsburg is moving to Bluffington. He says this as if it was an inevitability. Like, when Doug moved his friend was like, "I'll be along shortly. I just have to convince my parents to find new jobs in Bluffington and then we'll be able to hang out again."

Anyway, Doug is rummaging through his trunk for a photo-album so he can show Skeeter a picture of Bobby Bodingo. Doug then has a fantasy as he tells Skeeter about all the fun times they had together.

Here they are reading an issue of Man O Steel Man together. Good times.

Doug says they were best friends. Skeeter feels his position is threatened and inquires further. Doug reassures him that Bobby was his old best friend, Skeeter is his current best friend, and now all three of them can be best friends together. And then Bobby shows up.

So, right away Bobby is a jerk. Doug comments on how much he's grown. He attributes his growth to "sugar coated sugar flakes and no exercise." He then realizes he's overdue for a junk food break, and promptly jams a bar of chocolate in his face.

His mother asks him where his manners are, so he offers Doug some of his candy.

Theda comes outside and greets Bobby's mom, then they walk away to catch up. Doug introduces Bobby and Skeeter. Bobby calls him Scooter, then does that annoying, "hey what's that on your shirt?" nose flip thing that only jerks do.

Don't be a fucking jerk. End this joke.

Bobby's mom tells him to behave, and while Bobby is licking the candy wrapper, Doug invites him inside. Bobby throws the wrapper at Porkchop, who has been giving disapproving looks since Bobby put Doug in a headlock.

While Porkchop reads a magazine on the bed, Doug removes a toy from his trunk. Bobby gets excited by the toy, quickly grows bored with it, and throws it against the wall.

Bobby sees Doug's Man O Steel Man poster and asks Doug if he remembers the Man O Steel Man Lifelong Friendship Oath.

After the secret handshake, they continue reminiscing. While Doug was Quailman, Bobby was the Purple Partridge. One of their villains was Vermilion Albatross.

Vermilion Albatross' plan involves taking all the herring bone in the world. I don't know why he has to be in space to achieve this goal, or why it is even a plan that makes him a villain. I'm pretty sure the rest of us could go the rest of our lives without the bones of herrings. Of course, I'm assuming his plan doesn't magically remove the bones from living herrings. It would be fairly ghoulish to take their bones too, and since doing so would also make herrings extinct, that would make him a serviceable villain. I am, perhaps, overthinking this.

Of course, Quailman and Purple Partridge are there to stop Vermilion Albatross. Only, when Quailman flies closer to fight Vermilion Albatross, Purple Partridge has disappeared. The fantasy is interrupted by reality as Bobby declares that he's found a power helmet.

He thinks it's the funniest thing and he's jumping on Doug's bed. Doug tries to get him to stop by saying he's going to get hurt or break the bed. Fucker's jumping on the bed, with his fucking shoes on, and Doug's not sure that Bobby is going to get hurt? Because when he's in the air, you push and if you're lucky, when his head splits open, the blood doesn't spray onto your comics.

Eventually, Bobby jumps off the bed, and he lands on a rug. His momentum makes the rug slip and he slides into Doug's shelf.

Funniest goddamn thing Bobby ever did, apparently. It's just a shame he didn't get seriously injured.

Outside, Bobby is chasing Doug around the front yard, threatening to sit on him. His mother thanks Theda for making them feel so welcome.

She says she's hoping the move will be good for Bobby since he was having problems at his old school. Theda reassures her that Doug will look out for him.

Doug takes Bobby by Sully's Comic & Book Nook on the way to school.

I assume they don't go inside because it's not open yet. There's a really gross moment where Bobby blows a bubble with his gum, and it pops and sticks to the window of Sully's shop. It's gross because he just pulls most of his gum off the window and puts it back in his mouth.

At school, Chalky asks Doug if he's going to Funky Town this weekend for the opening of the new water ride. After saying he wouldn't miss such an event for anything, Doug introduces his pal from Bloatsburg.

As far as first impressions go, Bobby is the fucking worst. His first priority at school was buying a soda. When he meets Chalky and Fentruck, he shakes up the soda and opens it to shoot a stream into the air.

The main stream arches into his mouth, but obviously most of the soda explodes outward, soaking Chalky, Fentruck, and Doug. No one is amused by this trick. Who would be? They are all going to be sticky and smelly for the rest of the day.

He belches in their face, crushes the can with his armpit, and throws the crushed can onto the floor.

And then it gets even worse. Doug introduces Fentruck, pointing out that he's from Yakastonia, and before Doug can finish introducing Chalky, Bobby has a fucking joke.

"How many Yakastonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? NONE! 'Cuz they don't have any!"

Chalky won't have any of that shit. He gets in Bobby's face and says that was rude.

Bobby says, "Me? Rude? Wouldn't dream of it!" He then belches in Chalky's face.

"Ahhh...even sweeter the second time around."

Chalky and Fentruck leave and Bobby calls them nice, but complains about their lack of a sense of humor. He then asks Doug where all the babes are in this school. Then he drags Doug over to where he knows they'll be.

Doug resists and escapes as soon as possible, but the girls inside are screaming. Bobby is a sexual predator.

Outside the bathroom, while the girls inside are still screaming, Patti asks Doug, "what's going on?" Doug doesn't really get to explain anything before Bobby is thrown out of the bathroom by Connie and two other girls. On the floor, he jokes about how babes just can't seem to get enough of him, so Connie throws a roll of toilet paper at his face.

Beebe demands to know who he is, and Doug tries to pretend he doesn't know who he is by saying, "must be a new kid." Bobby ruins this weak cover and asks Doug why he left. He says the best part is getting thrown out.

Patti is shocked to learn Doug was in the girls' bathroom too. Bobby tells her they're best buddies, so they do everything together. He then says, "and I bet you're just dying to get to know me better, riiiight?"

Nope.

This scene ends with Bobby proposing they go spit off the roof to see who they can hit.

At lunch, Bobby is a pig.

He fucking loves the cafeteria food. He says it's great, "not like our old school."

Skeptical, Doug asks, "you like the magic mystery meat?"

Ignoring this simple yes or no question, Bobby tells Doug to "watch this," as he shoves his tray aside to stand on the table.

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! A preview of today's menu! Look!"

He puts everyone off their appetite and clears the cafeteria.

After school, Doug takes Bobby to Mr. Swirly for some reason. Immediately, Bobby criticizes the milkshakes for being watery. They aren't thick like the mega monster shakes in Bloatsburg. At this point, Doug just goes along with it. As long as he's insulting the town, he's not personally offending all of Doug's best friends. "Hey, look. There's some of your other pals!"

Beebe, Skeeter, Patti, and Fentruck are enjoying themselves at a booth when Doug and Bobby approach. Doug starts to meekly ask if they can join them, but before he can even get the whole question out they start making excuses to leave.

Bobby is unfazed. He calls them snobs, then reassures Doug they're best buddies with a hard pat on the back. An unfortunate result of that hard pat on the back is that Doug dropps his milkshake. Bobby laughs.

At home, Doug talks out his problems with Porkchop.

Porkchop is goddamn amazing. I wish I could read and listen to someone talk out their problems. I mean, Porkchop saw the changes, or maybe the lack of change, in Bobby instantly and sort of checks out to read his magazine for the rest of the episode. Doug keeps giving Bobby chance after chance. Porkchop knows.

Doug determines to spend less time with Bobby. He thinks this will force Bobby to make other friends so he can keep his. At school the next day, Doug's plan plays out like this.

Unfortunately, Bobby joined the school band, having told them he plays horn.

Why the fuck would they let him get away with this? Did he ask to join the band when they had him in the office to punish him for invading the girls' bathroom? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON AT THIS SCHOOL‽

Some unnamed shithead with a bowl cut tells Doug to make him stop. Bobby then tells Doug he signed them up as partners for the science fair and joined the Bluffscouts!

Breaking point.

After school, Doug goes to the mall, assuming it would be the last place he'd run into Bobby. He walks in the doors, gets on the escalator, and sees Bobby at the top of the escalator. Why did Doug think he wouldn't run into Bobby at the mall?

While Doug is running back down the up escalator, Bobby gets on the down escalator. I guess he's just riding the fucking things up and down. He is a true shithead. Doug sees him coming down and ducks. Somehow this works. Later, Doug hears a "psst" and turns to see Bobby hiding with some mannequins.

Bobby laughs so hard he loses his balance and falls on top of Doug. His fall knocks down the mannequins as well. They are kicked out of the mall and told not to return.

Bobby thinks this whole experience was great. He says he was glad he moved to Bluffington so they'll be together forever and ever. Doug has a fantasy about this.

In a retirement home, Quailman is sitting in a rocking chair, enjoying the view. Purple Partridge ruins the serenity.

Purple Partridge proposes they start a food fight at Millet King. Quailman says they closed. Purple Partridge gets another "power helmet" and suggest they go to a movie to make rude noises at the mushy parts.

Quailman says all the movie theaters closed too. Purple Partridge proposes ringing the doorbells of local superheroes then running away. Quailman says they moved too. Even Quaildog. They all moved to get away from Purple Partridge. Why didn't Quailman?

Oh, it's the Man O Steel Man Lifetime Friendship Oath. Doug took that oath, and what kind of person would he be if he broke that promise in the face of sexual predation and extreme rudeness excused as humor?

So finally, it's the weekend. The new ride at Funky Town is called Maelstrom of Madness.

Everyone is glad Doug is Bobby-free.

My favorite joke here comes from Fentruck: "In Yakastonia, we are having a saying about people like Bobby. It is, 'go away.'" Doug tells everyone to forget about Bobby, and Patti tries to help Doug distract from the much deserved trash talk. She says something about how she heard the ride was supposed to be pretty great. She then comments on how it looks pretty dark. Doug is suddenly reminded of her fear of the dark (was that established? I forget.) and has a fantasy where he comforts her with an arm around the shoulder.

Daydreaming, Doug almost misses the ride with Patti. He rushes over and pulls the lap bar down.

The ride is a pretty standard water ride at an amusement park. When they approach a pirate ship they hear a very recognizable voice.

"Argh! Avast, ye mateys! Here's Captain Bobby!"

What the fuck is this shit?

How did he break into this ride? Funky Town has a serious security issue. Bobby tells them to prepare to be boarded, then he swings out toward them on a rope. The rope breaks and he lands on their boat, capsizing it.

Skeeter and Beebe's boat runs into theirs and it also capsizes, followed by Chalky and Fentruck.

Everyone is pissed. So far, not a great debut for the Maelstrom of Madness, but at least no one died. Beebe calls her dad to tell him to sue. Everyone stomps off, even Skeeter, who actually sort of hops away because he has water stuck in his ears and he's trying to force it out.

Bobby approaches Doug and comments on his friends' lack of a sense of humor. He starts to suggest they get peanuts to throw on people from the sky tram. Finally, Doug has had enough.

Doug tells him to go away and leave him along. Bobby asks, "what's wrong with my best buddy?"

"I'm not your best buddy anymore!"

Bobby says you can't break the lifelong oath. Doug accuses him of being the one that broke the oath. "What kind of friend embarrasses you in front of everyone? You don't care about anyone or anything but yourself."

Bobby says this was how it was in Bloatsburg, where no one wanted to be his friend.

And Doug immediately regrets his outburst.

At dinner, Theda starts doting on Doug for helping Bobby. Bobby's mom called her to tell her how much he'd been helping Bobby.

So now Doug feels even worse. Phil tells Doug he's proud of him. "Without your encouragement, that boy might have gotten off on the wrong foot. He might have dropped out of school, or worse." Cue fantasy.

The police have a dilapidated shack surrounded. Purple Partridge declares that they'll never take him, then throws a water balloon at them.

Yes, he's loaded up with water balloons. He's in a worthless shack and has no hostages or real weapons, so I can't imagine why the police give a shit about him. Man O Steel Man breaks down the door and declares that his widespread crime spree of hideous awfulness is over. Purple Partridge surrenders.

Man O Steel Man asks him what made him turn from superhero to villain, and he says it was Quailman's fault. Man O Steel Man is especially perturbed that Quailman broke the Man O Steel Man Lifelong Friendship Oath.

In band class, Bobby is missing. Doug asks bowl cut if he's seen him, and he says Bobby didn't show up for school today.

Because the episode is running out of time, Doug finds Bobby pretty quickly at Sully's Comic & Book Nook. Bobby is reading Man O Steel Man, the issue from Doug's memory at the beginning of the episode, so Doug is able to approach him easily by quoting along with him.

Bobby says, "I thought you were mad at me."
Doug replies, "I was, but I got over it."

Bobby expresses brief happiness at this, and assumes they can go on just like before. Doug tells him no. If he wants to be friends, he's got to back off. All of his behavior so far has been too much.

Bobby says he's only trying to be funny and questions whether anyone has a sense of humor. Doug tells him he comes on too strong and he doesn't have to be a clown all the time. He says he'll give it a try.

How the fuck has he not given it a try before? As far as I can tell, his mother moved to Bluffington just so he could live somewhere he already had a friend. Why couldn't anyone in Bloatsburg tell him to stop trying so goddamn hard? Where did Bobby get this idea that being a fucking jerk is funny?

So, Bobby calms down a little bit more each day. He actually plays trumpet really well, so his joining the school band wasn't a total waste.

After the recital, Phil stands up to take the band's picture. Bobby whispers something to the two people standing next to him, and they pick him up for the picture.

But Phil wastes that opportunity and finally snaps the picture right after they drop him.

Good job, professional photographer.

This episode is missing Roger, for good reason. First, I would love to see how Roger reacts to Bobby. I don't know if he'd like him or hate him. Second, Bobby's experience in Bloatsburg is Roger's experience in Bluffington. We don't know if Bobby had three goons hanging around him, laughing at his every cruel joke, but they both think being a jerk is fucking hilarious and everyone should recognize their greatness based on this terrible sense of humor. Roger can't be in this episode, because everyone has treated him the same way they treat Bobby, except no one is ever going to get him to temper his behavior the way Doug does for Bobby. It's blatant hypocrisy for Doug to acknowledge Bobby's potential for being a decent human being worthy of friendship if Roger's there without being given the same chance. And you can't give him the same chance without, you know...giving up one of your main antagonists.

Episode 50: Doug’s Sour Songbird

2016-11-04T13:35:00.000-07:00

Doug and Skeeter are having a good time skateboarding in the park when they are struck with awe for the preparations for Bluffington Civic Pride Day.

It's really not that impressive. It's just a bunch of construction workers erecting a stage under the supervision of the mayor. Skeeter is impressed with the size of the stage. Mayor Dink takes questions from reporters.

Mayor Dink gives a general rundown of the standard activities they'll have at the event, and surprises everyone with a new event. There will be a contest to write an official town song. Everyone is encouraged to write a song and perform it at the event. The winner, obviously, will be the official town song. Everyone seems thrilled by the idea, especially...

Of course they're going to write a song. And of course Doug has a fantasy about this...

I don't know that either of them actually plays piano. In the fantasy, they're playing a waltz and singing and you have to wonder how Doug imagined this full song in his head immediately. Later, you'll wonder if he pitched the song to Skeeter and Skeeter shot it down, because they don't even try to play it. After the fantasy, Doug tells Skeeter they're going to write the winning song. He narrates that he didn't know at the time that the contest would come between him and one of his very best friends. Spoiler alert: it's not Skeeter.

So, news of the song contest spread and everyone in town is writing a song. Every student in school has an instrument and they're working out something. Teachers are working on their own songs. Cleopatra is apparently working on a song.

Her song is going to suck but everyone will call it the greatest thing ever because she is a baby. It doesn't matter how much a baby sucks at something she shouldn't be able to do at all.

Mr. Dink bought a mini portable fold-a-matic fuel injected digital recording studio that writes songs for him.

This seems unfair for two reasons: the machine writes the song and Mr. Dink is married to the mayor. Anyway, the first song it writes sucks, with the lyrics, "my love lives under a rock in Bluffington." So he won't win anyway.

Meanwhile, Doug and Skeeter are working on their song.

Skeeter sings, "the best town in the world is Bluffington. It's not just a nothing-ton." Doug stops playing and criticizes the lyrics, so Skeeter challenges him to think of something that rhymes with Bluffington. Before they can return to song practice, Patti shows up with a basketball and a tempting offer to shoot some hoops at the park.

They tell her they're working on their song, but they're stuck on lyrics. She tells them she's having similar problems with her song. They ask to hear her song, but she says it's not really finished and it's probably no good. She removes a sheet of paper from her backpack and lets them read it over. Doug says the lyrics are fantastic. Skeeter agrees. Doug asks her to sing while they play backup. She agrees...

...and Doug reacts.

Because Patti is a terrible singer. The lyrics are great, in the way that they sound like they'd be lyrics for an official town song. They're cheesy and sentimental, but they're supposed to be. Anyway, the song abruptly ends when Doug breaks a string. When Patti asks how her singing was, Doug grins and has a fantasy. It's weirdly based on the George Washington myth about cutting down a cherry tree.

Since Doug Washington cannot tell a lie, he admits that he cut down the tree and her singing is horrible. She retaliates by dumping a bucket of cherries on his head.

After the fantasy, Patti is still waiting for an answer as Doug hallucinates this old trope.

Patti Angel wants Doug to tell the truth because Patti wants him to be honest. Roger Devil says she'll never speak to him again if he tells her the truth. Doug quickly caves to Roger Devil and finally tells Patti she did great. Skeeter and Porkchop are confused.

Patti believes him. She asks for confirmation that she was great, not just good. Then she looks at her watch and says she has to go meet Chalky. After she's gone, Skeeter speculates that his ears must be broken because he thought she sounded terrible. Miserably, Doug admits that Skeeter's ears are not broken. "Her singing stinks like yesterday's magic mystery meat."

Skeeter asks why he lied and he says he didn't want to hurt her feelings. Skeeter points out that she asked him to be honest. Doug asks, "what could it hurt?"

At school the next day, Connie is practicing her song at lunch.

Roger tells them to stop wasting their time. His group, Roger and the Klotztones "has this contest in the bag."

They sing a song and it could be from Grease. Also, it's insulting like Beauty School Dropout, so it's got that going for it too.

Doug admits Roger is pretty good. Connie says they have to be, considering the competition. Patti runs up, excited to tell Doug she signed them up for the contest. Doug is drinking milk at the time, so he does a spit take.

Patti credits him with giving her the nerve to sing in front of all those people. Doug has fucked himself.

Doug is lost in thought when Patti makes him reaffirm his opinion that she's a great singer. Now would be a good moment to come clean, but he doesn't. He just agrees and goes into a fantasy as Patti says, "we'll be the monster hit of the show!"

Yes, literally. They're running from the villagers as Patti finally gets Doug to admit he lied to her. But it's just a fantasy, so...

Before practice, Doug tells Skeeter they have to stop her before she humiliates herself on stage. Skeeter asks, "why don't you just tell her the truth?" Finally putting that genius brain to good use.

Doug says he can't hurt Patti's feelings like that before wondering if there's some way to keep her out of the contest. Here's a question no one asks: why doesn't Skeeter tell her the truth? He's part of this too. He's her friend too. Doug lied, and he's a piece of shit for it and yes he should tell her the truth, but continuing the lie because shitty Doug is a coward only hurts Patti more, right? I would love this episode more if Skeeter just threw Doug under the bus here.

Anyway, Doug thinks of something. He asks Patti to go to the Funkytown Fritter Fry.

It's on the same day as the Bluffington Civic Pride Day. Why are these events on the same day? Bold move, Funkytown. For the record, I would go to neither of these events. I have no pride in where I live, no interest in fried carnival food, and I hate crowds. Patti just thinks Doug is kidding, so that's that plan shot down.

Later, Doug explains the situation to his dad.

Phil tells him the best solution is to just tell her the truth. Phil uses an Uncle Harold as an example of how no one in his family has the courage to tell someone something embarrassing. Apparently Uncle Harold wore a toupee inside out for years and no one ever told him. So to be clear, Phil is telling Doug he should do a thing his family has a clear history of being unable to do. Unfortunately, he says something that gives Doug an idea. He says, "I'm sure she never heard herself sing."

Doug gets everyone over to Mr. Dink's recording studio so they can record a demo tape. His plan, obviously, is to let Patti hear how bad she is on the recording. Unfortunately, her singing is so terrible, the equipment, even the popcorn machine, starts to malfunction and spark and smoke and shake.

Despite the malfunctions, they still get a demo. Upon listening to it, Patti says it sounds terrible. Doug is tentatively excited, thinking his plan worked, but Patti speculates that there must be something wrong with Mr. Dink's equipment.

With that plan in the toilet, Doug has to try something drastic. He has asked Mayor Dink to disqualify his group from the contest. Why should she disqualify his group? Because he is not a native Bluffingtonian. He was born elsewhere.

Mayor Dink laughs off this suggestion. She says the only qualifications you need are that you love Bluffington and you have heart. Another shitty plan in the toilet.

Mayor Dink says she's not worried about technicalities. She's worried about the weather. It's currently raining, and if it doesn't stop, Pride Day might be cancelled.

Doug tries to hide his excitement by saying, "I guess everyone will just have to spend another boring Saturday hanging out at the mall." Unfortunately, this gives Mayor Dink the idea to move the event to the mall. It'll be indoors so haha, fuck you, weather. Mayor Dink adds one last thing that makes Doug feel worse.

"Maybe we can even get the mall radio station to broadcast the song contest!"

Do malls have radio stations? Is that a thing? I don't think that's a thing. If it's a thing, I'm going to need a job at one of these mall radio stations. Oh, so this is a fantasy Doug is having. The mall broadcasts their song and aliens hear it.

"MAKE THE EARTH CREATURES STOP!"

Is anyone keeping track of the number of Doug's fantasies that have resulted in the total destruction of the planet?

After the fantasy, Doug moans loudly, "now look what I did!"

Finally, he decides to tell Patti the truth. Lucky for him, she's actually sick.

She's lost her voice and she won't be able to sing in the contest.

Doug immediately has a fantasy where he's on a green hill in the mountains while "Hallelujah Chorus" plays.

After the fantasy, Doug tries to play it cool. Patti is too sick to notice, and suggests they just get Connie to sing the song. Doug likes this idea.

Finally, Bluffington Civic Pride Day is here. To kick off the song contest, we have this barbershop quartet featuring Mr. Swirly, Mr. Valentine, and two other guys who probably have names.

Please note that Mr. Swirly is wearing a fake black mustache over his real white mustache.

There are bizarre happenings, like a pilgrim giving away turnips on sticks, and turnip sack races, and snail races

Backstage, Mayor Dink tells everyone to be ready when their name is called. We get a brief glimpse of everyone practicing their songs. It's pretty great. It's like everyone staked out their genre of music so a lot is represented and it's not all just trying to be The Beets. Most importantly, Connie sounds great singing Patti's song.

Connie says it was easy since Patti wrote such a good song. Mayor Dink calls for Fentruck. It's his turn.

"Bluffington, you do not disgust me.
let me count so(?) how many ways.
Number one: the people smell almost always
better than a herd of goats do."

It goes on from there, of course, but we have to go backstage again to where Mayor Dink is telling Doug his group is up next. They do a collective high five right before Patti walks up to break the great news to them. Her voice is back.

Connie gladly tells Patti she can sing her own song. Connie is glad just to play backup guitar. Doug says Patti sounds kind of hoarse, so maybe she should rest her voice. Patti reassures him that her voice is great. Doug has a fantasy.

She's not even halfway through the first line when the vegetables start flying. They're piling up around her while she happily sings along, oblivious to all the hate she's receiving. I especially like this fantasy because Doug believes that maybe everyone in town brought vegetables to the Bluffington Civic Pride Day event just in case someone sucks so bad they need to be traumatically insulted.

After the fantasy, Doug tries to say they made some changes Patti doesn't know about. Connie quickly shuts this down, saying, "we haven't changed that much."

Finally, and after much sweating and stalling, Doug says, "maybe singing isn't what you do best. Sometimes what you're singing...doesn't exactly match the notes."

Doug says he didn't want to hurt her feelings and she tells him he did anyway. So now they both feel terrible. Good job, Doug!

Mayor Dink introduces their group and they apparently went with the name The Funnie Farm, so that's appropriate for the situation. Before they go onstage, Patti says, "I trusted you to be honest with me and you lied. I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust you again."

Onstage, they start playing and Doug quits almost immediately.

He sees Patti on the side of the stage looking sad and stops the song completely.

Doug apologizes for the lack of singing. He wants to introduce a special guest. He calls out Patti, and says she'll recite a poem.

While everyone in the audience waits to hear another shitty song about how great their town is, Doug apologizes to Patti.

Doug says she wrote some really great words and everyone should hear them from her. So she joins them and recites the lyrics she wrote while they play the song they wrote and it works perfectly.

It's exactly the kind of sentimental crap that would win a contest like this.

"My home town is ice cream
And soccer games at school.
Walks with my dad on weekends
when the air is turning cool.
My home town is neighbors
children, cats, and dogs.
And watching folks at sun up
on early morning jogs.
Some people think that happiness
can only be found far away.
But my home town is full of friends
and that's where my heart will stay."

"So, Journal. Everything turned out fine. Even though we didn't get the prize. Oh, by the way, the winner was Fentruck."

Doug writes, "Patti got a special citation for her poem." Doug concludes his journal entry saying he's learned his lesson about being honest when someone asks for his honesty. Then his parents enter his room to show off the hats they bought at Pride Day. They want to know his honest opinion about them. They're pretty cool right?

Right?

Who do I have to fuck to get a full recording of the entire song Fentruck wrote? He ends the song on number 22, which is "for liking me I'm thanking you with all my face." I need to know all the reasons why Bluffington does not disgust Fentruck. If Doug had just told Patti the truth from the beginning this episode would feature a lot less conflict, and a lot more of Fentruck's song. Doug's attempts to get disqualified or to trick Patti into going somewhere else during the contest wouldn't have eaten up so much of this episode's run-time and we could have had that time to hear Fentruck's song. If Doug hadn't needed to talk to Patti while Fentruck was singing, we could have watched Fentruck sing.

Episode 48: Judy's Big Admission

2016-10-06T09:38:00.000-07:00

This episode begins with an egg rolling out onto a stage and cracking. Judy says, "I am born. I exist!"

"I die!" She falls over, rolls back, then stands up to proclaim that she is reborn as a butterfly.

This could go on for the entirety of the show and I'd be happy, but just as Judy's butterfly begins to enjoy being free, a giant fly swatter slams down upon her.

Have you ever used a fly swatter on a butterfly? There are many logical problems with this short dramatic piece that Judy has prepared for her Vole University audition. It just doesn't make any sense from start to finish, and there's a huge safety concern with the giant fly swatter.

Judy's pretentious friends applaud her eggy butterfly nonsense. Sincerity suggests it might take more than an egg to get into Vole University. Judy laughs at the idea and reassures her that they'll be begging her to enroll at the university after her audition, then floats the idea that they might rename the school to Judy University. Sincerity reminds her how few applicants are accepted, and Cassius says they only admitted half of one person last year. Cassius lists off a few other schools he's applied to, and another student says she also applied to several schools. Sincerity asks Judy where else she's applied, but Judy scoffs at the idea. She has only applied to Vole. They are shocked, and as she picks up her egg prop, she says, "only at Vole can I truly express my wings and be free!" Before one of her friends can make the obvious comment about putting all your eggs in one basket, Flounder's former bandmates (now janitors apparently) open a door, allowing a huge gust of wind to blow Judy across the room.

This episode isn't all about Judy. Doug's doing something too. He's entered a comic contest and he's waiting to hear if he won.

Winner gets a trip to A.C. Comics and lunch with Stanley Steele, creator of Man O Steel Man. Doug asks his comic shop owner if he's heard anything about the contest results.

Apparently Doug has been asking every day. Mr. Sully seems kind of annoyed with him and asks if he's checked his mailbox. Doug says he's checked it twice a day. Doug imagines how lunch with Stanley Steele could be the beginning of his comic book career.

In Doug's fantasy, he shares a small studio with Stanley Steele. Stanley Steele has writer's block and is swiftly slipping into despair. He just can't figure out what to make Man O Steel Man do next.

Doug suggests, "why don't you have Man o Steel Man vanquish an evil-doer!?"

Stanley Steele is grateful for such a terrific idea. The Man O Steel Man cover Stanley was working on when he practically gave up on life starts moving. Man O Steel Man gives Doug a thumbs up and says, "you're the greatest, Doug!"

After this bit of delusions of grandeur, Doug wishes the letter would come, then says, "unless they think I'm not good enough." He often operates between being the greatest hero the world has ever known and the biggest nobody loser who should just give up every endeavor because he sucks.

At home, Judy is packing for her weekend trip to Vole University. Doug points out that she has over-packed. She's basically packed up her entire room.

Judy isn't worried about carrying too much since she'll have the whole car to herself. She's going to Vole. Doug is staying at Skeeter's. Their parents are flying out to Grandma Opal's. Why this set up? Why are Phil and Theda visiting a grandmother but not taking any of the grandchildren? Should we worry about Grandma Opal?

Anyway, Judy is so certain she'll be accepted into Vole University, she's packing everything. Apparently, she won't need to come home. She'll get accepted and move into her dorm right away and I guess Phil or Theda can collect their car sometime later. Theda interrupts the packing to announce a slight change of plans.

Skeeter's little brother has chicken pox so Doug can't stay there. Doug now has to go with Judy. Again, we don't find out why he can't just go with his parents to visit his grandmother.

Nobody is happy. Judy explains that she's staying in the girls' dorms. Theda says she's already called ahead and arranged a room for Doug. Judy says that Vole is a place for artistes. Doug says he can't go because he needs to be nearby so he can check the mail to see if he won the contest.

Theda also mentions that they have to take Porkchop too.

Judy quickly adapts to the situation by making Doug and Porkchop act as her personal assistants, then commands them to load her stuff into the car.

Judy finishes preparation by grabbing her latest poems off the kitchen table, not noticing one of Doug's drawings has somehow found its way into the stack.

On the way to Vole University, Judy rambles on and on in a rather pretentious manner that distracts her from the road.

Luckily she doesn't wreck the car and kill someone. She just misses the exit.

Doug carries her egg into the audition theater and then wanders off on his own. After taking Judy's crap up to her dorm, Doug finds a nice place to draw while his dog reads the Vole University course catalog.

A student approaches Doug and compliments his art. He asks if Doug is a child prodigy applying to Vole.

Doug explains that he's with his sister while she auditions. The student says Doug's comic style reminds him of Stanley Steele's early stuff. Doug has made a friend.

The guy explains that comics are the reason he became an art major. The guy has to leave for a class, but promises to catch up with Doug later. Doug excitedly turns to Porkchop to talk about the exchange, but Porkchop has disappeared. Apparently Porkchop found something in the Vole University course book that caught his eye.

At Judy's audition, the judges are thoroughly jaded. Judy tries to present her latest poems and other bullshit, but the dean has no patience for it. He just wants her to begin so it can be over.

Inside the egg, Judy says, "I am born."

Before the egg hatches, the dean says, "thank you, Miss Funnie. We'll be in touch. Next."

On her way out of the audition, she bumps into another egg.

Apparently this is going to be a theme.

Doug is quietly drawing in the dorm when Judy kicks the door in, obviously upset. She paces around the room, ranting about how they don't know true artistic talent when they see it.

And this is the part where Doug has to console his rude, pretentious, sometimes helpful, sometimes unhelpful, older sister. While she's moaning about how she barely got three words out, Doug has to suggest that maybe they really liked those three words.

Judy starts to wonder if she's as good as she thinks she is. Judy asks how she'll ever face her friends if she doesn't get accepted to Vole. Doug asks about the other schools she applied to and she tells him she didn't apply to other schools because Vole means everything to her.

Then this woman knocks on the open door to interrupt, making me wonder if she was standing there the whole time Judy had a minor breakdown. Anyway, the dean wants to see Judy in his office and congratulations for being accepted to Vole University.

So Judy is back in front of the audition people.

The dean says, "despite your audition, we knew you belonged at Vole when we saw your portfolio. Very impressive artwork."

"Highly original. A bold statement. It has that primitive rough-hewn look that's reminiscent of Stanley Steele, one of our illustrious alumni, yet has its own unique character."

Judy starts to tell them that isn't her artwork, but the dean interrupts her to say she can major in art and minor in acting. Now that he's through interrupting her, he wants her to finish what she was saying. Instead, she has a fantasy. Her high school friends are accepting awards.

They all thank the schools they attended, then wonder what became of Judy.

I would watch this act and throw a couple bucks or maybe a can of tuna into the hat.

After the fantasy, she finishes what she was saying by changing it to, "that's not my best work." The dean takes this for modesty (ignoring the preposterous idea that an applicant wouldn't bring their best work (although she didn't look over her submission to make sure she brought the right pages anyway...) ), then invites her to demonstrate her drawing technique to his senior design class. She's glad to do it, sometime in the fall after she's enrolled. He means 30 minutes from now. He has a weekend seminar.

Doug is wandering around campus looking for Porkchop when Judy finds him.

Judy doesn't give a shit that Porkchop is missing. She needs Doug and drags him away. She shoves him into a supply closet, telling him not to ask questions. She tells him to just wait there.

He says, "sure, Judy. Always glad to help."

The dean introduces her to his seminar and sets her loose on a pretentious, improvised, pretentious speech about art.

A student interrupts her to ask for a demonstration of her technique. Judy tries to stall, but the dean hands her a pencil. She tears off a sheet of paper then leaves the room. In the closet, Doug asks, "how is my sitting in the closet helping you?"

Judy makes him draw something. He draws Quaildog punching an ionic column in half (presumably from the Quailman vs. Greek Architecture issue we've all heard so much about). Judy presents it to the class to a polite round of applause.

The dean starts to ask why she left the room but she cuts him off to explain she needed the "singularity of my aloneness." He rightly points out that she went out into a busy hallway, so she says something about the fluorescent lighting and leaves it at that.

Back in the closet, Doug hears Porkchop. He leaves the closet to try to find his missing dog, which he should really be more worried about anyway but Judy needs him to sit in a closet and that's fucking important goddammit leave him alone! He finds Porkchop in a cooking class pretty quickly.

Before Doug can think about returning to the closet, the student he met earlier approaches him with some more Stanley Steele fans. Doug is happy to meet them. They invite Doug to work on a sci-fi mural they're working on and he's fucking excited about this obviously awesome as fuck opportunity so fuck the closet.

Back at Judy's seminar, she's prattling on pretentiously when she's asked for another demonstration. She runs back to the closet to find it Dougless.

No matter.

Everyone is understandably confused, so she explains that this is an example of what an amateur artist might create. This is somehow revelatory to the senior students at the seminar.

Meanwhile, Doug is having the fucking time of his life.

Doug finally knows more than ever that this is what he wants to do with his life. So he calls Skeeter to have him check the mail to see if he won the contest.

Sadly, Doug didn't win the contest. While still on the phone with Skeeter, Doug imagines his career in comics now. He's just counting boxes at the shipping facility.

At the end of the day, Stanley Steele approaches him, criticizes the way he makes check marks, and fires him. After the fantasy, Skeeter is shouting into the phone, trying to get Doug's attention.

Back in the dorm, Judy is being smug about her new admirers while Doug is miserable.

Judy tries to reassure him that, since it was just a silly comic book contest, what do they know anyway? Doug tells her to forget it because he doesn't have any talent. She sees the drawing he did earlier and says he has talent. She's genuinely helpful as she tells him that it's not important what other people say about your talent. Even if no one else believes in you, you have to believe in yourself. Doug points out she didn't believe in herself when she didn't think she was accepted into Vole University. She says, "that's different...no. You're right. I let those judges rob me of my self-confidence. I almost let the steal my belief in my own talent. And no one should trifle with another person's talent, it's...oh...come on..."

She drags Doug back to the audition room. Another egg act is ending as they walk in.

Judy confesses to Doug that she was only accepted into Vole because of his art.

She has Doug draw something to prove that he's the artist behind the picture she accidentally submitted with her application.

The dean asks why she came forward with the truth now. She says Doug was feeling bad as an artist and she was feeling bad for getting in under false pretenses. He says this shows great integrity on her part. She asks if that means they'll still let her in, and he says no. Doug defends her, saying they never gave her a proper chance. They only let her get out three words.

Doug does a great, practical demonstration, asking, "how great would my drawings be if you just let me draw three lines?"

The dean admits that maybe they were unfair to Judy, but they've seen so many eggs....

So he lets Judy perform again, and guarantees that she can perform the whole piece.

The judges confer and tell Judy that her brother was right. She's good and the piece was very pretentious.

So, Judy is going to Vole University. The dean asks Doug to promise he'll consider coming to Vole when he turns 18. Doug agrees, but can I go ahead and predict that this pretentious trio will reject him when he applies for any number of reasons? Most likely, they'll call his work derivative. Either way, he'll get accepted or he won't and it ultimately won't matter because he'll do comics. Or maybe he'll create a TV show about his childhood.

So, Judy, Doug, and Porkchop are finally leaving. They are such big personalities, they have a crowd hanging around to send them off.

The art student Doug befriended thanks Doug for the sketch.

On the way home, Judy prattles on incessantly, pretentiously, about how talented she is.

The episode ends with the gag where she misses her exit because she's so engrossed in her one-sided conversation with Doug about herself.

What's going on with Grandma Opal?

Episode 46: Quailman Vs. the Annoying S.T.U.A.R.T.

2016-09-22T11:23:00.000-07:00

This episode is all Quailman. There's no part of it that has Doug working through a ridiculous problem by writing a Quailman adventure. It's more like an episode for a terrible/awesome Quailman show. I considered skipping it.

It starts with Quailman and Quaildog trying to save a snowboard racer on the mountains of Yakostonia.

Somehow, Quailman knows that gate 14 is booby trapped and he arrives just a few seconds too late to stop the racer from starting. So, he must catch up. A spectator scoffs at the idea that he could catch the fastest snowboarder in the world. After Quailman puts down his snowboard, determined not to use his ability to fly, he immediately falls on his face.

He blames the foot bindings, calling them defective. He inspects them to discover the manufacturer is S.T.U.A.R.T. For the sake of ease, that will be the last time I type the name like that.

So the Silver Skeeter slides up on his board and asks Quailman if he's having equipment trouble. Quailman quickly sputters out directions for Silver Skeeter, who then takes off after the fastest snowboarder in the world.

From the moment the fastest snowboarder in the world left the gate to the moment Silver Skeeter chased after him was 38 seconds. If this was an Olympic event, the fastest snowboarder in the world would have finished his run before Silver Skeeter even arrived to help. Whatever trap was at gate 14 would have been sprung, the snowboarder would be dead, and the police would be questioning Quailman first to find out how he knew about the trap, then why he didn't use his quail power of flight. Anyway, the booby trap is the Avalauncher 2000.

So it's a tuning fork that causes avalanches. Why does it have to be a booby trap on gate 14? Couldn't it just be anywhere on the mountain and couldn't it just be triggered whenever it would be most devastating by whoever placed it there? Who put it there? Why did it go off even though Silver Skeeter intercepted the snowboarder before he went through gate 14? Who cares?

Quailman and Quaildog rush over to attempt to dig out Silver Skeeter and the snowboarder but it only looked like they were buried in the avalanche. Silver Skeeter got them out just fine.

Silver Skeeter says it's too unbelievable to explain how they made it out, so no attempt to explain is made.

Quailman suggests they go out to celebrate. Silver Skeeter suggests they call up Material Girl and Supersport to join them. Quaildog growls at him to remind him to invite Fifi the Wonder Dog. Quailman tells him to meet at the Thicket of Solitude at 6 o'clock sharp.

At the Thicket of Solitude, Quailman is changing into clean clothes. Unfortunately the clothes he picked up from the dry cleaners are too large. Plus, he can tell by the P on his shirt that this isn't his costume. He says the cleaners must have switched it.

And who are these inept cleaners?

Did they plant the booby trap at gate 14 too? Because we never got an explanation for who did that or why that happened.

Quailman is annoyed but there's nothing he can currently do about his costume situation. The cleaners are already closed for the day (apparently. Maybe one of his quail powers is knowing the operation hours of every business in town?) so he decides to "listen to a little radio."

Quailman is very pleased with this joke. Quaildog rolls his eyes appropriately. You are not a dad yet, Quailman. Stop it.

Unfortunately, the radio station has been taken over by STUART and now they only play bassoon music.

At 7 o'clock, Silver Skeeter finally shows up and finds a very annoyed Quailman. Silver Skeeter didn't know he was late. The quailphone rings. Supersport, Material Girl, and Fifi the Wonder Dog are annoyed. They've been waiting at the mall for over an hour.

They are officially cancelling the get together.

Quailman asks Silver Skeeter, "why can't you ever show up on time for anything?"

Silver Skeeter says he didn't mean to do it. He supposes his watch is slow. Quailman says his watch is a piece of junk. Silver Skeeter points out that Quailman is the one that gave him the watch.

Quailman says he paid top dollar for the watch and accuses Silver Skeeter of destroying it with his weird magnetic skin. Silver Skeeter calls him Paleman before leaving. Quailman discovers the watch was made by STUART, of course.

Now, for everyone's favorite part of superhero stories: fast food.

I'm very curious about this Millet King place. I would love to experience such a place, and then watch it fail. It bothers me that they put the arcade game in the middle of the floor.

After Quailman fails, the game instructs him to insert 68 cents in exact change to continue. Quailman thinks this is exceedingly annoying and demands to know who makes these dumb games.

A fight breaks out at the cash register with everyone claiming they're order 36. The cashier says order 36 was a take out order to Yakastonia, as it says on his STUART cash register.

Next, a man is jumping up and down on a car, shouting at the car alarm because he can't get it to turn off.

A man tells him it's a STUART alarm and nobody knows how to shut them off. Quailman tries to tell them to behave reasonably, but that's kind of more annoying than the car alarm so they tell him to shut up. The situation inside Millet King is also getting worse.

Quailman starts putting all the pieces together and comes to the obvious conclusion that STUART makes everything annoying to drive people apart.

Why is this STUART employee loading up the Smash-teroid arcade game? Plot convenience. Quailman and Quaildog see it and decide to follow it, sort of.

Quailman is thoughtful enough to tell you not to try this at home. If a truck drives through my home, now I'll be sure not to grab onto the bottom of it before it drives away. Anyway, Quailman didn't notice Silver Skeeter had the same idea.

They start fighting about who gets to take down the obvious villain here. Quailman tries to point out that their fight was part of STUART's plan and they shouldn't be fighting each other. Silver Skeeter doesn't buy it and the fight continues.

Inside the bafflingly labelled Secret Headquarters, Quailman and Silver Skeeter are discovered almost immediately.

Silver Skeeter drops onto a conveyor belt and is carried away to another room. Quailman gets tangled in the overlong cape and tumbles into some boxes.

He tries to run away from some STUART employees but he steps on the cape and falls down again.

This fall gives Quailman an idea for the cape. He hides with Quaildog until an opportunity presents itself.

Quailman pulls the employees away with his cape and an old trope is committed.

Now that they are adequately disguised, they can have a look around. Quailman points out some of the company's evil devices like dripping faucets, mismatched socks, and alarms that can't be shut off. A STUART supervisor tells Quailman and Quaildog to install these traffic lights at certain intersections. The traffic lights have an extra light that is purple.

While the supervisor is explaining the purpose of the purple lights, Quaildog steals his badge.

Doug points out that the purple light will be really annoying, and the guy finally tells us what STUART stands for.

He's also suspicious of Quailman, because how could you work for STUART and not realize being annoying was the point. Quailman can't think of a decent lie and the supervisor chases them away. He doesn't chase them far though. It doesn't make sense. They just run away, he chases, and two shots later, they've lost him. They try to open a door but a STUART employee tells them they can't go in there. Quaildog flashes the stolen badge.

The guy recognizes Quaildog's authority, and probably has a moment where he screams inside his head because a dog outranks him at work. He then tries to tell them not to go through the door because it's just a laundry chute, but they jump in before he can.

Quailman is loudly complaining about the dirty laundry when Silver Skeeter tells him to be quiet.

On the other side of this room, STUART employees are practicing annoying gestures. Silver Skeeter was quietly spying on them and Quailman was practically shouting about every goddamn thing. It is incredible they weren't discovered.

Quailman and Silver Skeeter start arguing about who gets to stop this evil plot. Quaildog speaks to them telepathically.

"You must stop this senseless bickering and work together to defeat them. Please reason with each other."

It's not clear if the loud arguing drew the STUART employees over or maybe the STUART employees also heard Quaildog's telepathic communication (how specific is it?) but either way they are discovered and Quaildog adds, "too late!"

The idiot henchmen dump the laundry over and the heroes separate. The henchmen surround Silver Skeeter and he liquefies and slithers around them to confuse them.

After thoroughly confusing the henchmen, Silver Skeeter slithers away, but Quailman slips in him.

They argue a bit and then run away in separate directions. Silver Skeeter remains in his liquid form and doesn't look where he's going. A henchmen scoops him up in a dust bin and they funnel him into a big glass jar.

Meanwhile, Quailman and Quaildog run down a hallway, talking about how they need to find the leader of STUART. They aren't paying much attention to where they're running and fall into a trap door.

Conveniently, the trap door dumps them into the leader's office. He's just watching huge monitors of his employees working. He wants to be called 18.73A.

After annoying Quailman by calling him Paleman and slurping a drink, 18.73A calls for his guards. The guards grab the superheroes, while another guard pours Silver Skeeter onto the platform next to them.

18.73A lowers a big dome over them and there they are...trapped.

It wasn't much of a fight. I don't understand why they even bothered to let Silver Skeeter out of the smaller container. Seems like they could have just left him in there and they'd have been better off.

This episode is exhausting. Here's the part where the bad guy shows he's keeping score.

Followed by the part where he tells the heroes his whole scheme in a song.

I am not typing the lyrics. It's pretty fantastic and by far the least annoying thing they do.

I assume they're singing to be annoying, but honestly it's only annoying because all the other villains throughout fiction have half-assed their job. If this, or like...The Little Mermaid, has taught us nothing else, it's that villains should fucking sing. It's just great when they do.

18.73A tells them everyone in town will be annoyed within 24 hours, but they won't be around for it. Silver Skeeter asks, "what are you going to do, annoy us to death?"

"Precisely."

A phone raises from the floor into their glass cage and starts ringing.

It's a telemarketer asking for Paleman.

Doug listens to too much of the guy's pitch before hanging up. The phone rings again. Quailman tells Silver Skeeter not to answer it, but Silver Skeeter says, "hey! You're not the boss of me!" He then answers it.

It's the telemarketer again, asking for Mr. Sliver Skinner. Silver Skeeter hangs up and the phone starts ringing immediately. They both yell, "don't pick up," but a mechanical hand reaches down from the ceiling to answer for them. Also, suddenly there are more phones and other hands answering them.

I'm having a hard time imagining how this is supposed to kill them, but I think the basic scheme involves them dying of starvation, and then 18.73A claiming they were annoyed to death. You could try to call him out on this obvious bullshit, but then he'd just claim victory for having annoyed you.

While cowering on the floor, Quailman and Silver Skeeter start arguing about which of them is to blame for this predicament. Silver Skeeter compares it to the trouble they had with Dr. Despicable the Mad Periodontist.

Quailman says it wasn't his fault. He says Silver Skeeter wanted to get his gums checked. As you can see above, Silver Skeeter has been captured in a flask. Quailman is in a cell where the walls are spiked and slowly moving inward to kill him. He throws his belt at the flask to free Silver Skeeter.

And Silver Skeeter turns his hand into a key to free Quailman.

Silver Skeeter takes credit for getting them free, then compares it to another incident with Lothar the Water-Skier of Doom. He says his totally cool water-skiing saved the whole planet from drowning in Lothar's wake.

Quailman points out that he helped.

All this reminiscing makes them realize they used to work well together.

They agree to work together, at least as far as getting out of this predicament. Quailman wants to use STUART's own resources against them. He wishes he could read 18.73A's telephone just to get the number. Silver Skeeter turns himself into a super magnifying mirror to make this happen.

This works of course.

Quailman grabs one of the phones, accepts the long distance offer and says he has several friends he'd like her to call. Meanwhile, 18.73A is looking for his wallet.

Quailman gives the telemarketer the phone number and extension to reach 18.73A. Then he tells her to try all extensions of that number. 18.73A heard Quailman do this, so it's kind of hard to understand why he picked up the phone when it immediately started ringing.

After hanging up on his own telemarketer, 18.73A scolds Quailman for trying to ruin his evil scheme.

The phones all around the STUART secret headquarters start ringing. Why anyone answers them remains a mystery.

Here's a good time to answer your cell phones.

The telemarketers are even calling each other. Someone yells, "oh no the circuits are overloading!"

The secret headquarters starts losing power, and 18.73A is distracted enough to back into the release lever for the glass cage he's used to trap our heroes.

"Oh, I just hate it when I accidentally release the superheroes!"

18.73A puts on his wig as part of a joke before running away with his henchman.

Quailman, Quaildog, and Silver Skeeter chase after him as the building starts to fall to pieces. Seconds after they run outside, the whole building collapses.

18.73A is escaping in a helicopter and announces to them, "you haven't seen the last of STUART! As long as there are warranties that run out the day before the washer breaks, I'll be there! As long as there are twist off caps that don't twist off, I'll be there! As long as there are any little things to undermine, annoy, and ruthlessly torment people, I'll be there!"

Even though the villain escaped and promised he'd return or whatever, Quailman and Silver Skeeter decide to celebrate at Millet King.

As you can see, Supersport, Material Girl, and Fifi are there as well.

There's a whole "Learning a Lesson" speech that doesn't matter. I mean, it sort of matters, but I'm more concerned with the food.

Silver Skeeter's crunching his way through this thing. Supersport's plate has a couple of them. Fifi and Material Girl are also eating them. The cashier finally calls for Quailman's order of millet cakes.

I am endlessly fascinated with this restaurant. You can see part of the menu and it includes things like millet steak, millet curd, and millet whey. Where did this come from? Naturally assuming that this Quailman adventure is written by Doug, I want to know where he got this idea for a restaurant where everything was made of or included millet. It is amazing and I would steal the idea if I could.

I suppose I could make an argument about Doug being paranoid. Writing a story where all of life's little annoyances are part of some grand conspiracy kind of lends itself to that, but it's just a story. If Doug was going around seriously connecting every minor annoyance into a conspiracy, I'd have more to say about it.

Episode 45: Doug’s Concert Crisis

2016-09-09T13:54:00.000-07:00

Doug, Patti, Skeeter, Porkchop, and Dirtbike are rocking out to The Beets.

They're enjoying a broadcast of a Beets concert. Doug narrates that they've always been his favorite group, when they are still a group. The concert is interrupted in the middle of a song by breaking news that The Beets have once again broken up. Doug, Patti, Skeeter, Porkchop and Dirtbike don't stop dancing while discussing this news. Doug is a little disappointed. Patti says they'll get back together. Judy intrudes on their fun, and asks Doug why he insists on destroying his brain with that commercial pap. She turns off the tv.

She wants to play her latest artistic composition that "proves there is more to music than rhythm and melody." Her tape is a series of loud, disharmonic sounds that causes everyone else in the room to cover their ears and wail for it to be turned off, while Judy is doing some sort of interpretive dance.

She stops the tape only because their wailing is the perfect sound to add to it, and she must record it.

Lunch talk at school the next day is all about The Beets. There's rumors that Flounder is starting a new band in Bluffington, looking for a new direction in music.

Doug says he hopes he doesn't change too much. He likes the sound of The Beets. He gets up to put his tray away, but his sock snags on the table and he trips.

Roger promptly mocks Doug for wearing big, loose socks.

Today is Phil and Theda's anniversary. Theda loves the present Doug got them.

It's just a photo of Doug and Porkchop in an apparently handmade frame. Phil is also pleased, though the screenshot I took makes it look like he thinks it sucks.

Judy stands up to dedicate her new performance piece to her parents. The piece is called "Savage Cheese." Before she begins, the doorbell rings. Theda jumps up to answer it, presumably eager to delay "Savage Cheese" as much as possible.

At the door is a Skin Deep Beauty representative.

She's trying to sell makeup by the bucket, which is a good indication that it is crap. There are a number of things that are totally reasonable to sell this way. Certain fruits or nuts, perhaps. An overflowing bucket of makeup is an overflowing bucket of crap.

The woman is offering a make-over and Theda doesn't much care for the idea. The woman gives her a card, in case she wants to try beauty, Skin Deep. It's really a terrible business model to take an idiom that means conventional beauty is a poor indicator of personal character, name your company after that idiom, and then go around telling everyone they need to look beautiful. I can see that you are a person with no or poor character; won't you buy a bucket of makeup so you can at least look pretty? Furthermore, you know what women need? Strangers ringing their doorbell to tell them they should try to be beautiful, for a change. Aren't you tired of how you look? I've got a bucket of makeup here and surely something in this bucket can do something to make your face look better. I mean, I hope. You're not giving me a lot to work with here, Theda!

Anyway...

Theda returns to her family, already thinking about getting that make-over. Phil asks who was at the door and she explains. Phil thinks the idea is kind of ridiculous. Doug likes that she always looks the same. Judy is happy her mother isn't a slave to fashion. With each of their responses, they have made the idea of a make-over that much more intriguing.

Finally, Theda opens the gift Phil got her for their anniversary. She is excited until she sees what it is. Then she's confused. Phil explains that it's a waffle iron that makes waffles in the shape of Marlaine LeFlame.

Phil is too enthusiastic about this dumb shit gift to see that Theda is annoyed.

Meanwhile, Flounder is rehearsing with his new band.

Yeah, those guys. Flounder stops rehearsal because he needs a new sound. Right now they sound too much like The Beets. While he's thinking, an explosion of incomprehensible sounds excites him. The engineer in the booth apologizes and explains that the sounds are just some "nutty tape I recorded for a girl as a favor to my cousin Cassius." Flounder likes the shit.

At the Funnie house, Theda is doing nothing in the kitchen. She's just standing there, hearing echoes of her family's comments about her looks. She uses the waffle iron as a mirror before pulling the Skin Deep card out of her pocket.

Porkchop starts freaking out about something happening outside. Doug jumps up to see what's going on.

Seeing Flounder walking up to his front door immediately triggers a fantasy.

Flounder knows Doug is really busy with middle school, but he needs a new sound.

Doug is the only one who can help him.

Granted Flounder's fashion isn't far off from Doug's to begin with (it's really pretty close to Philip J. Fry's...) but I like the detail in Doug's fantasy. When you ask Doug for a new sound, you get a banjo, a sweater vest, and a baseball shirt.

How else could this interaction go?

After the fantasy, Doug answers the door and Flounder asks for Judy.

Doug confirms that she lives here but asks why he'd want to talk to her. Before Flounder can explain, Judy comes to the door.

Flounder says he wanted to meet the person who made that tape of shitty noises. She starts to be a condescending, pretentious asshole to him, but he interrupts her to tell her how much he liked the tape. She says she was just working on her latest piece that "expresses the indifference of society to artistic otherness of the other." So she plays that for him. Doug is perplexed.

They sat on the front porch listening to Judy's crap for hours. Doug is thoroughly annoyed by this, so Porkchop (who has been listening to his own music on a walkman) struts in and shuts Doug's fucking window. Why didn't Doug think of this extremely simple solution? Because he's fucking stupid. His dog is smarter than he is.

Toward the end of the night, Flounder is just agreeing with every stupid pretentious thing Judy says. She's skeptical of his commitment to being a pretentious asshole, but none of that matters once he finally asks her if she wants to get coffee sometime. She tries to hide her excitement and comes up with a pretty good cover for how getting coffee somehow plays into her above-it-all persona.

I don't know how old Flounder is supposed to be, but I'm not sure it matters because Judy is still in high school and it is fucking creepy that they have started dating.

And he started dressing like her! It sort of weirdly implies that Doug's fantasy involved Flounder dating him.

Doug says it wasn't long before everyone started talking about Flounder and Judy. Beebe and Connie flag him down at lunch and insist he sit with them even though he hasn't even grabbed his lunch yet.

Neither has Connie for that matter...

They want to know if the rumors are true. Doug is hesitant, but confirms that Judy and Flounder are dating. Beebe offers him some imported chocolates. Connie compliments his hair.

Now that he has a rock star in the family, they are interested. Connie is particularly interested in his newfound ability to get front row tickets to certain concerts. Doug doesn't know about any concert, so Beebe says Flounder has a concert next Friday with his new band. Before Doug can think about being indignant about their disingenuous affection for him, Roger interrupts.

"Hey, Funnie! About those socks..."
"Cut it out, Roger."
"They're very cool."

Scroll back up and look at how angry Boomer, Willie, and Ned are. They may be wearing loose socks, but they are fucking pissed at Doug. Anyway, this is a fucking ridiculous ploy. Roger is rich. When faced with two options, flaunting his wealth or sucking up to Doug, he chose to suck up to Doug in such a stupid way.

Walking through the halls at school, everyone says hello to him. Doug doesn't understand his popularity, somehow. I mean, it's not hard to imagine Doug doing the same kind of sucking up to someone else in a similar situation, is it?

After school, Doug asks Patti and Skeeter, "if I can get front row tickets to the concert, do you guys want to come?" Of course they do. If he can get tickets. Connie intrudes and wants Doug to promise he'll get her a ticket too.

Then Beebe intrudes to make sure Doug wouldn't get Connie a better ticket than he got her. Then Roger wants to make sure Doug wouldn't leave him and his goons out. Then an entire crowd of people who don't even have names because Doug hasn't interacted with them enough that it needed mention in his journal want tickets.

Look at these parasites. They chase Doug home.

I can only hope this is an exaggeration by Doug when he wrote this down in his journal.

Doug has to slam the door on the crowd. Before Doug can catch his breath, Theda calls him from the kitchen. He enters the kitchen, ready to ask his mom about his problem, but he is confronted by a stranger.

He apologizes and says he's looking for his mom, Theda Funnie. It's weird. Doug doesn't realize this is his mom, so he apologizes to, essentially, a total stranger for apparently intruding on her privacy in his home. He tries to clarify who he's looking for like he mistook her for someone else at the mall. After he finally catches up, he says she looks like a movie star, then corrects himself to "two movie stars." I don't know what the fuck that's supposed to mean, but Theda takes it as flattery.

Phil enters the kitchen and has much the same reaction as Doug. He catches on quicker though. He is dumbstruck, then decides to get his camera. Thrilled, Theda consults her new mirror that also can make waffles if you're into that sort of thing.

Theda apparently does not like waffles.

At the recording studio, Judy has taken over the band rehearsals. First, she's annoyed the drummer, whose name is apparently Eric (I honestly don't know if his name was established before this), keeps using drum sticks. She insists that he needs to use ferns instead.

She says it's an homage to the rainforest.

Next, she's upset with Norman.

She doesn't want him tuning his guitar anymore.

Eric asks Flounder why she's always bossing them around. Flounder explains that she's creating an artistic vision for the band. Norman says she's creating a giant pain in his neck. She says all this descension is draining her creativity.

Doug intrudes on this shitty situation to ask Flounder for tickets. Their gratuitous male bonding interrupts Judy's meditation.

Judy says her friends will occupy the front row. Flounder says there's enough seats for her family and friends, and he'll still have some left over.

This excites Doug and he has a fantasy.

"And now presenting, the longest front row in rock and roll history!"

Like it's the main attraction.

After the fantasy, Flounder does the math and tells Doug he can have three tickets. Doug has a fantasy about this too and it somehow makes even less sense.

He has three seats, so naturally everyone still came with him and then they attempted to pile into those three seats.

Somewhere near the top, Beebe points out this is all Doug's fault and then commands the pile of people to get him.

At home, Phil has set up all his photography equipment and retrieved all his cameras so he can document his wife's transformation. At some point, I hope she resents him for this.

Judy is indignant for her, right now. Phil is insisting they go out to eat again. He can't have his "new wife slaving over a hot stove."

Fuck you, you stupid fucking asshole. This is such a terrible attitude to have about your partner.

Theda tries to tell her shithead husband that she likes to cook but he ignores her. She sits back down at the table, sad. Doug narrates, "it's weird. I was popular and mom was glamorous. So why weren't we smiling?"

The next day at school, Doug is growing tired of his popularity. People have stuffed his locker with balloons and gifts and he's annoyed by this.

Everyone else figured out the combination to Doug's locker except Roger. Roger presents his gift in person.

How much did that jacket cost, Roger? Was it more or less expensive than a front row ticket? How much more or less? Did they ask for your dignity and self respect when they were selling the tickets or did you think you'd just give that up anyway. It's not like there was much of that to begin with, right?

Doug wants to explain to Roger that he's only got three tickets, but Beebe interrupts to tell him she's stocked her dad's limo with Peanutty Buddies. What time should she pick him up?

Before Doug can explain to Beebe, Connie interrupts with a song she wrote for him.

It's not a good song and no one in the hall likes it.

At home, Flounder asks Doug what's upsetting him.

Doug explains and Flounder apologizes for the fact that he only has three tickets left. Doug understand this. He knows getting even 3 free tickets is more than he has any right to expect. He just wants to know how to decide who to invite.

Flounder actually has some good advice for this. He says, "when you're famous, or even know somebody famous, everybody wants to be your friend. it gets hard to tell if people really like you for yourself." Basically, Doug should invite people who like him whether he gets them tickets or not.

Everyone gathers at Doug's house for their free front row tickets. Doug nervously admits that he kept trying to tell everyone he couldn't get tickets.

He apologizes and no one gives a shit.

They immediately disperse. They might be searching for pitchforks and torches.

Doug is a jerk. Not because he didn't get them tickets. He's a jerk because he waited until the day of the concert to tell them he didn't get the tickets. If he had told them up front, they would have had the opportunity to buy their own tickets. Presumably the show is sold out and now their only option is to buy tickets from scalpers. You could argue that he tried to tell them but he kept getting interrupted and talked over, but it would be less rude for him to interrupt back and shout, "FUCK YOU I CAN'T GET YOU TICKETS, YOU FREELOADING SCUM," than to sheepishly agree to get everyone tickets, then leave them hanging on the day of the concert. Anyway, after the crowd disperses, two people remain.

Doug asks if they were mad. They understand. Skeeter is just happy Doug will get to tell him about the concert. Doug is not surprised and neither is Porkchop.

Walking into the concert, brazenly wearing the jacket Roger gave him, Doug is confronted by Beebe. She says she had to dip into her trust fund to buy the only remaining seats, and those seats are in the nosebleed section.

She also gives him a bill for the imported chocolate. Connie says she rewrote her song. Roger wants the jacket back.

Willie, Ned, and Boomer look as angry as ever.

Backstage, Judy is telling the band that everything about their costumes and props is wrong.

Eric is upset that he's holding carrots, asking if they are an homage to bunnies, before he throws them down and quits the band.

Norman also quits. Judy is glad they finally quit. She's glad only the true artists remain.

The arena is packed when Doug, Skeeter, and Patti finally take their seats.

Please note that Porkchop is already there. When Flounder was calculating how many tickets he could give Doug, he had already committed one ticket to a fucking dog. He had three tickets leftover because he did not count Doug among his group of people needing tickets, but Doug's dog definitely needs a ticket.

Doug immediately notes his mom's appearance. She's back to classic Theda. She says, "well, my new look was fun for a while, but I decided I like being myself, beautiful or not. Besides, the kind of beauty you get from a make-over is only skin deep." I don't know what I could type here to indicate an annoyed groan, but maybe just imagine that was my response to Theda. Doug says she was always beautiful all the way through and Phil backs him up.

Finally the concert begins. For high pretentious art, naming the band "Flounder and the Plastic Judy Band" seems a bit uninspired. I couldn't bother to take screenshots of all the shit Judy does during the first song. She's banging on sheet metal, dropping anvils, honking horns, and banging on cans and bottles. The crowd exits en masse.

Flounder is somewhat perplexed. Judy says she expected it. The music was beyond their comprehension.

Flounder tells the remaining group of Funnies, Skeeter and Patti that they might as well leave too. Phil tells him they're not going anywhere.

What an ideal situation! You have six occupied seats. They didn't pay for those seats, so hopefully everyone that left during the first song doesn't want a refund, or at least won't get one. Now you get to play the full concert to six people and a dog, none of which can even pretend to like the music. They're just there to support you and your massive failure. Porkchop is the only one that planned for total bullshit.

Flounder dedicates the next song to the Funnies, for always being there for him. Patti and Skeeter should maybe take offense since they stayed as well, but whatever. For this song, Judy is playing the sawing-a-log-in-half. It's not an easy instrument.

And it sounds like this...

After this disaster, are you surprised The Beets are back together? Before they start playing on the tv, Flounder thanks Judy for making him see music in a whole new way.

Judy is disappointed that Flounder has returned to The Beets when he was so close to being a real artist. Doug says, "I thought you liked Flounder."

She replies, "as an artist, no. As a friend, I suppose he's...tres cool."

So, Doug, Patti, Skeeter and Porkchop return their dancing.

If I had to argue that Doug Funnie was not crazy, I'd use this episode. He's maybe a dumb-ish kid, but being a little dumb is kind of what kids do. He's at least not the dumbest kid in his school by far.

Episode 43: Doug and the Bluffington Five

2016-08-29T08:04:00.000-07:00

Doug's school sure has a lot of special assemblies. Doug is barely interested in this episode's special assembly because he's working with Skeeter on a project for their civics class. They haven't decided what the project should be yet. Skeeter has an idea; build a model of the capital building out of sugar cubes.

Doug doesn't care for the idea. Skeeter says, "nothing impresses teachers like little buildings made out of food."

Doug says he wants to do something special, so Skeeter suggests they build the courthouse out of mashed potatoes. This is what you get when a genius phones it in. Or maybe he skipped breakfast. I don't know.

Finally, the assembly begins with Mr. Bone shouting unreasonably loud for everyone to shut up.

He threatens to move the entire assembly to detention if everyone doesn't shut up. He then proves his value to the school and really earns that vice principal paycheck by introducing Principal Ex-Mayor White.

Principal White gets to the point relatively quick. This assembly is to let the students know they are introducing mandatory school uniforms.

All of the students gasp. Doug says, "aww, man," like he's disappointed by this new development.

Later, Doug narrates that the announcement hit the students like a wet blanket. Roger calls the idea lame. He adds, "if we all dress alike, how you gonna tell us rich kids from the losers?"

This is especially amusing coming from Roger. Roger was poor and he wore blue pants, a plain white shirt, and a black jacket. After his mom got rich, he cut the sleeves off of his jacket. I guess the reasoning is you can tell he's rich now because wearing a vest is like saying, "I cut off the sleeves of this garment and donated them to a poor family so I could write off the expense of the whole jacket on my taxes. If you can't donate your sleeves to my new charity, Sleeve the Poor, any little amount of money you can donate will go a long way to buying other jackets to remove the sleeves so they can be donated to poor families that can't afford sleeves." Anyway...

Beebe hates the idea too.

"Who would want to live in a world where we're all seen as equals? It's undemocratic!"

Fentruck is also opposed to the uniforms because of a dark period in Yakostonian history where everyone was forced to dress as cheerleaders.

Patti speculates that uniforms might not be so bad.

Skeeter says his cousin wears uniforms every day and likes it. He saves time in the morning because he doesn't have to decide what to wear. Kids save money because they don't have to keep up with the latest fashion trends. Patti is impressed and thinks that makes sense, ignoring the fact that they all wear the same thing every day anyway and kids would still have to buy other clothes unless they intended to wear the school uniform everywhere they go. What do you wear on a date? School uniform. Going camping? School uniform. Going to the movies? The arcade? Funky Town? Family getting together for Christmas? School uniform. So liberating to finally have clothes for every occasion, says the kids who already wear the same thing for every occasion anyway.

Beebe is still not convinced. She says nothing is going to tell her how to dress except peer pressure and trendy advertising. This is a little too self aware for Beebe, and luckily for her, Sally doesn't let anyone call her out on it.

Sally is pissed. She says uniforms are a violation of their most basic right. Roger thinks she means "the right to flaunt it if you got it." She's too into it to call him a moron, so she continues about their right to freedom of expression. Patti agrees. Doug isn't sure what he thinks.

Sally continues her rant, rallying the kids around the idea to write petitions to present to Principal White. Patti's all in.

Doug and Skeeter don't seem to care much. They still have to figure out what to do for the civics project. Patti says, "standing up for your rights is what civics is all about! I'm gonna help!"

Doug says, "too bad we can't pass around petitions for our assignment."

Skeeter again pitches the idea of making something out of food. Doug ignores Skeeter's shitty suggestion because he has an idea. They'll get a camera and follow Sally and the other students as they petition and protest the new school uniforms. They'll make a sort of news report about the whole thing.

Skeeter is immediately on board, but still full of shitty ideas. He says, "we can shake the camera a lot like they do in the news. Zoom in and out! And we can shoot it in black and white...just 'cause it's cool. And if that doesn't work, we can always build city hall out of cocktail weenies and aerosol cheese!"

So the petitioning is well under way. They've come up with this name for their protest organization.

Doug and Skeeter have a decent camera and lights and a microphone and they're filming the overstated action. It doesn't take long before they have plenty of signatures (an undefined amount) and they take a rather large stack of petitions to Principal White.

He immediately starts hamming it up for Doug and Skeeter's camera. After Sally drops the stack of petitions on his desk, he says, "well now, this is exactly what I like to see. Nothing is as inspiring as students getting involved with school policy. I tell you, it's young people like you that give us all hope for a brighter tomorrow! That and the knowledge that I will someday soon be mayor again.

As he continues, he picks up the stack of petitions and shoves them back into Sally's hands. He says, "now I want to encourage you all to keep striving for your goals. Reach for the stars. Never give up! And remember, my door is always open."

Mr. Bone is more direct in his approach to telling them to fuck off.

He says they have a special way of dealing with such important papers.

Oh, I don't think they'll all fit in that suggestion box, Mr. Bone. It just doesn't look big enough...

Oh. Asshole. Mr. Bone is an asshole. He tells them there's no room in the school for radicals and trouble makers and then promises to keep an eye on them.

At lunch, Sally is madder than ever. She's demanding they organize a protest.

Doug and Skeeter are trying new camera tricks.

The students start chanting "protest" and Patti really gets into it.

I think this is supposed to be Patti's fantasy, but since Doug is always narrating the episode as he's writing it in his journal, isn't this really his idea of what Patti must be fantasizing about?

There's not much to this fantasy. Sally is on horseback and leads Patti and her fellow horseless fighters to storm a castle that has smoke pouring out of it and apparently no defenders.

Basically, it seems like Sally is charging them into a defeated castle so they can suffocate. It's a weird fantasy.

After the fantasy, all the students are cheering the idea of a protest and Sally says they'll meet tomorrow morning on the front steps of the school for their official protest. Apparently, standing on a table in the cafeteria and encouraging the students to chant doesn't count as a protest.

Meanwhile, in the Lunch Barn, Mr. Bone is spying on them. Why?

He's the vice principal. Is he not allowed in the cafeteria during lunch? Have they broken none of his school rules? He threatened to give the whole school detention earlier when they didn't shut up fast enough at the assembly, but standing on a table in the cafeteria and disrupting everyone's lunch requires spying and unheard threats.

Patti is now passing out flyers advertising the next day's protest in the hallway. It's hard for me to understand how this makes any sense. When I was in middle school (when this episode originally aired...), I was in class pretty much all day. There was very little time between classes, and barely enough time to actually finish your lunch. So, sometime after lunch, Patti found the time to print up a bunch of flyers for a protest the next day, and now she's just standing around handing them out. Did she use a school copier for that? Where was Mr. Bone and why was he not stopping that massive waste of school resources?

Sally approaches Patti with some bad news. Her voice is gone. She can barely whisper.

She asks Patti to give a speech at the protest tomorrow. Patti is reluctant.

The protest begins with a Connie song which is presumably called "Don't Want Uniforms."

Patti tells Sally she's not sure she can do this. Sally reassures her that everyone is behind her. Mr. Bone is spying from the roof and has his own plan to stop the protest.

I don't understand why Mr. Bone is handling this so poorly. He turns on the hose and nothing happens. Like an idiot, he points the hose at his face and says, "what's blocking my flow?"

Of all the fucking places they could have put the ladder...

The hose bubble gets so big it pushes the ladder over and Doug and Skeeter are thrown into some bushes.

This is presumably a reference to any number of old cartoons and the oldest known comedy film and also the horrible treatment of civil rights protesters.

Mr. Bone just can't do anything right.

Beebe gets splashed with a little water from the hose.

She says, "feel that? I think it's gonna rain." There are compounding layers of stupid to this. The sky is clear. Mr. Bone is yelling while being thrown about by a hose right above her head. If you are getting wet, it's not going to rain; it is raining. Unless of course it's obviously just a splash from a hose. Can none of these kids see the hose? What is happening to the students at this school? Anyway, she wants to introduce Patti now. At least they'll get the big speech out of the way in case it rains. Fentruck introduces Patti in the traditional Yakistonian manner, which includes armpit farts and stomping while shouting "zvoopa" several times.

Patti is shoved onto the stage (Where did the stage come from? Did these kids who can't see hoses or tell the difference between a man being tossed around by a hose and actual rain actually build a stage for this somewhat impromptu protest?) and she almost locks up. She's very nervous.

Doug shouts words of encouragement and she starts speaking.

Slowly she starts to really get into it. She really gains confidence as the crowd gets more into her speech that she is totally just making up as she goes. As she starts droning on about the constitution, Doug has another fantasy for her. She's the first female president.

After her speech, Mr. Bone emerges from behind part of the school and says, "alright you beatniks. The hootenanny is over! Get to class!"

Everyone disperses immediately. He didn't even have to threaten them with detention.

The core group leading the protest remain to talk to Patti and discuss their next step.

Sally says they loved her. Fentruck says, "that was most inspiring. In my country, you would have been already in chains! And I am not just saying that." Dark.

Roger says their next step should be throwing stink bombs into Mr. Bone's office. Patti suggests they keep protesting in hopes that they can pressure Principal White to a debate. Roger doesn't like the idea, but everyone else does so they pressure him to support it too.

Doug says, "we'll call this shot 'The Bluffington 5.'" I doubt that Doug realizes he's making a reference to something.

At the next protest, Patti buries the idea of school uniforms by actually digging a grave and throwing a couple uniforms into it.

They dug this hole on the football field, so I'm again left wondering why Mr. Bone hasn't stopped the whole thing yet. The next protest is a candlelight vigil.

Unsurprisingly, the school paper has articles about S.P.U.D.

According to Guy, Patti is personally more popular than S.P.U.D.

Patti says the campaign isn't about personalities but issues. She says they are all equal in S.P.U.D. but then uses her megaphone to tell the four other members that they're slowing down. They're walking a picket circle and beginning to resent Patti. They're tired of doing all the work while she gets all the recognition. Still using her megaphone, she reassures them that no one is more important than anyone else, and also hold your signs higher.

Their next great idea is a hunger strike. They've chained themselves to a tree.

Mr. Bone is still spying on their various protests too. He's got a brilliant idea to break up this little hunger strike.

He's got the most amazing solution to this one. No, it's not bolt cutters and detention slips. It's cheese burger in a can. He'll make them hungry!

Unfortunately, he loses his balance while he's spraying the cheese burger scent, falls into a trash can, then rolls into the back of a passing garbage truck.

None of the hunger striking kids saw this happen or heard him screaming.

Sally tries to lead the group in a song. Roger proposes dirty tricks. Beebe suggests they get an army of lawyers and sue. Patti tells them to shut up. She says they only have to look hungry. Finally, over all these stupid little disagreements, the group starts breaking up. Roger says he's going to start his own protest group. Beebe says she'll start her own too. Fentruck too. Patti tells them they can't leave because she gave the keys to Doug and he went to lunch.

With only Patti and Sally remaining in S.P.U.D., their next move is a sit down strike.

Two students walk past them and shrug. Sally asks how this is supposed to work, but before Patti can respond an actual news reporter from a local station approaches them for an interview. Principal White immediately interrupts to talk about himself and how he's going to be Mayor again.

The reporter doesn't give a shit about Principal White. He asks Patti and Sally if they have the support of the entire student body. They don't really explain that they don't have the support before the reporter loses interest in them and asks Doug and Skeeter if they support it. Doug says, "yeah," but seems unsure and Skeeter says he's not sure how he feels about it. Principal White jumps back in front of the camera

"Now as I always say: nothing's as inspiring as young persons getting involved with school policy. And I want to say how much I admire their gumption! The same quality, I must say, that will once again make me an effective mayor come the next election."

Patti takes this opportunity to corner Principal White into agreeing to a debate. At first he seems unsure, like he's trying to find a way out of it, but then asks the reporter if it will be on tv. When the reporter confirms, Principal White commits to the debate. He says he is in favor of televised democracy and will personally choose the person that will be arguing his side.

Patti and Sally celebrate this small victory right up until Sally says she'll clobber whoever Principal White picks. Even though Sally is the captain of the debate team, Patti doesn't think she should be the one debating.

Patti wants to debate. She's the one that challenged the principal. She's the one they'll listen to and believe. Sally quits.

At the debate, Doug mentions that, along with Skeeter of course, he got permission to tape the event. Disrupt lunch. Disrupt the hallways. Dig huge holes in the football field. Chain yourself to a tree. Do whatever you fucking want, but if you tape this debate without permission, I don't know what Mr. Bone is going to do to you but you'll fucking deserve it.

Doug points out the new splinter groups from S.P.U.D.

Roger's group is Students Oppose Uniform Rules.

Sally's group is Serious Students Organized Uniform Protest.

Fentruck's one man group is named B.A.B.U.S.H.K.A. and I'm not going to attempt to type what he says he stands for. It doesn't matter.

And Beebe's group is BEEBE and it doesn't stand for anything. They are all wearing the same clothes, so it's safe to assume she's no longer protesting uniforms. She is presumably protesting the fact that she is not the center of attention.

The mayor walks on stage, blusters about how great he'd be as mayor and how fair he is, then introduces the person who'll be debate his side.

Everybody gasps. Skeeter says, "well, somebody had to do it."

Skeeter begins by saying, "I know how everybody feels, but I think there's some good things to say about uniforms." The entire crowd erupts in boos and Roger's group has noisemakers and horns.

Fentruck has a horn. Beebe's group chants something through megaphones.

Skeeter tries to actually make his points but everyone is shouting him down. Patti gets frustrated with the crowd. She has a realization.

Patti gets everyone's attention and says, "I know you don't want to hear anything good about uniforms. I feel the same way. But if we don't let Skeeter talk, we'll be doing the same thing we accused the school of doing: not listening. It's easy to get so caught up in what you want that you stop listening to the other side. I know. I guess I got so carried away being the leader of S.P.U.D. I stopped paying attention to everybody else. But we have to listen to all sides. It's the only way to have a fair debate. The only way to have a democracy!"

She invites Skeeter back to his podium and he starts talking. Doug narrates over it, saying Skeeter had some good points, but he's still not sure how he feels about uniforms.

Doug says the whole debate didn't matter anyway. Everybody on the school board had a different idea about what the uniform should look like.

Mr. Bluff thinks everybody should dress like Beebe.

Mr. Valentine think the uniforms should look like Skeeter.

Mr. Bone wants to turn the students into prisoners.

Mr. Bone should not work in education. This is not a healthy view of students. He should not be in a position of authority anywhere.

The only thing the school board agreed on was putting off the school uniform idea until next year. And this is how Doug and Skeeter end their civics report.

Their report earns them A's and a standing ovation.

Doug and Skeeter celebrate by buying the Bluffington 5 chocolate milk shakes.

Patti wants strawberry. Sally wants vanilla. Beebe wants low fat. Fentruck is allergic to chocolate. Roger wants burgers. Let no good deed go unpunished, but why didn't they fucking ask what everyone wanted in the first place?

So, that's it. Doug is maybe the least crazy person in this episode, but he's still the narrator, imagining Patti having fantasies and just being a generally unreliable and inconsistent narrator. He started out unsure what to think about school uniforms and and a long, arduous journey, he steadfastly remained unsure what to think about school uniforms.

Nothing came out of Mr. Bone's ridiculous spying. There was a missed opportunity to write him back out of the show. When he fell in the trash can that rolled into the back of the garbage truck? If he never showed up again, it would be the greatest end to the character, forcing the assumption that he died in the incident. Oh well.

Episode 36: Doug's Older Woman

2016-08-11T14:14:00.000-07:00

"Dear Journal,
Middle school can be so unpredictable. I thought today was going to be another ho hum day, but you never know what's waiting just around the corner."

Doug and Skeeter enter the school and find a small crowd around a poster. Naturally, they are curious.

Someone unspecified is throwing a beach party at Lucky Duck Lake. Skeeter is very excited.

Doug thinks this means that Saturday could maybe be the most important day of his life. Skeeter asks him how it could be the most important day of his life. Doug replies, "'cause it could be my one chance to do something I've wanted to do for years."

"Down a gallon of root beer and burp until the windows rattle?"

Doug whispers, "no. Ask Patti to go out with me on a...date..."

Skeeter starts to loudly express shock at this but Doug shuts him up because Patti is nearby.

Skeeter quietly asks for clarification, because Doug has been out with Patti several times. Doug says none of those incidents were real, official, dates. At least he recognizes that. Skeeter fails to ask the more pertinent question regarding why this beach party is important. What stopped Doug from asking Patti out in the past and how does this beach party make it any easier?

Doug has a fantasy. The beach party is at night. Skeeter blows a conch shell and yells, "SURF'S UP!" Everyone grabs their boards and starts running into the lake. Patti doesn't have her own board for some reason, so Doug offers to teach her how to tandem surf.

"Oh, Moon Dougie. You're my big kahuna!"

Patti then asks, "aren't these waves awfully big for a lake?" The fantasy fades out there, before she can ask more questions about this nonsense daydream. Skeeter has been trying to get Doug's attention, and once he finally has it, he points out that the most popular girl in school is checking Doug out.

Meet Cassandra Bleem. Apparently she is the most popular girl in school.

While Doug is scoffing at the idea that Cassandra would be checking him out, she's walking over to him.

She says she saw the cartoon he drew for the school paper and she loves a guy with a sense of humor. Doug is too flabbergasted to say much to Cassandra, and when she asks him to go to the beach party with her, he laughs it off. He tells Skeeter he just imagined that Cassandra Bleem asked him on a date and that it seemed so real. Skeeter pats him on the shoulder and points at Cassandra to make him realize it was real.

"Ahh!"
"Oh Doug, you are so funny, hehehe. So, you wanna go?"

Doug asks if he can get back to her. She flirtingly calls him a tease and tells him, "don't keep me waiting too long."

The encounter leaves Doug disoriented. He collapses to the floor. Skeeter sprays water in his face to bring him back.

"Did what I think happened really just happen?"
"It sure did! You, a lowly seventh grade toad, got asked to the beach party by the prettiest, most popular girl in the eight grade! Possibly the whole universe!"

Doug approaches the trophy case and examines his reflection in the glass. He think it maybe had something to do with his new toothpaste. Then he gets mad at Skeeter because he just realized he was called a toad.

Doug says he doesn't want to go with Cassandra. He can't remember the name of the girl he wants to go with though. Skeeter has to remind him her name is Patti, and it's all very insulting and Doug should not get to go with either of them.

Before Doug can come to any sort of conclusion about how he now feels about Patti, Chalky barges in and congratulates him for the whole Cassandra Bleem thing.

Before Doug can explain anything, Guy chimes in.

By lunchtime, everyone is talking about Doug and Cassandra.

Roger figures Cassandra only asked Doug because she was too shy to ask him. This episode perpetuates some pretty negative views of gender relations all around. You could use it as an example of several unhealthy attitudes and behaviors. It doesn't get better from here.

Doug escapes Roger, determined to get to Patti (to ask her out or explain or what? I don't know) but he immediately bumps into Al and Moo. Impressed by his apparent ability to conquer older popularity, they salute him.

They say Doug inspires them and demand that he signs their limited edition copy of "How to Get Girls." Doug signs the book (with pencil...) and they say that anyone can get a date to the party if he can. They walk away, leaving him staring blankly. Before he can realize how terribly they've insulted him, Skeeter reminds him of his goal to find Patti. On the way to Patti, he bumps into Fentruck.

This isn't some misunderstood foreign gesture. Fentruck is shaking Doug's hand to congratulate him. After Fentruck leaves, Doug again stands staring blankly. Skeeter again reminds him of Patti, even pointing at her across the hall and saying Doug better hurry or class will resume. Doug decides to let the Patti situation wait until after school.

Here's our crappy B-story for this episode. Al and Moo are up to something. On the football field, they've got a decently sized rocket.

They plan to use this rocket to drop pamphlets all over town.

I really wish we could see the details inside. If I was doing this, the inside would read, "I built a rocket to distribute this pamphlet across town. Here's my number." Theoretically, I wouldn't want to date someone that wouldn't appreciate my desperate efforts or my rocket science delivery ability. Anyway, their rocket fucks up. The hatch won't open and they can't release the pamphlets.

Al and Moo start fighting over the control for the rocket and eventually it ends up in space

Finally, the hatch opens and the pamphlets spill out. Aliens crash into the pamphlets and start talking about Doug getting a date with an eighth grader.

What the fuck is this? I don't know what to do with this.

At Mr. Swirly, Doug tells Skeeter he can't make up his mind. He still wants to ask Patti, but everyone is making such a big deal of Cassandra that he feels like he can't say no. Here to reinforce that idea is Beebe.

Doug explains to Beebe that he hasn't decided to go with Cassandra yet. Beebe then accuses him of always making it about himself. Hasn't he considered what dating Cassandra would mean for Beebe Bluff? If he doesn't go to the party with Cassandra, how will he introduce Beebe to all of Cassandra's important eighth grade friends? Here they are, across the restaurant.

You can tell they're important because they look slightly older than the seventh grade kids.

Beebe calls them the "Crème de la cool," and this triggers another fantasy. This time, Doug is in Baywatch, of all godawful things.

There's dialog here, and they go for a slow motion run, but I'm too disgusted by the fact that Baywatch started before Nickelodeon Doug and ended after Disney Doug. Fuck television.

Beebe ruins Doug's slow motion fantasy by saying the eighth graders make the seventh graders look like kindergartners. The fantasy changes to reflect that.

Doug is included in that change.

Does Beebe not realize she's discouraging Doug from doing what she wants here?

After the fantasy, Beebe makes Doug get up and tell Cassandra he'll go with her.

Doug still doesn't quite know how to speak to Cassandra. She asks him if they are going together and he says, "well, uh, y'see...of course, I'd like to...." Before he can finish his thought, she is excited and tells him she's really looking forward to the date. On his way back to Skeeter and Beebe, Patti says hello.

He says hello back and has a fantasy.

It's sort of Casablanca but sort of the opposite. Fantasy Patti is upset because she expected the beach party to be their first official date. She says she expected it to be the highlight of her pre-adolescence. She says she's going to Antarctica to leave behind "the us that never was."

It's a pretty ridiculous fantasy. Aside from assuming Patti feels this way, or misinterpreting which of the two is leaving the us that never was, it also assumes that dating Cassandra makes it impossible for Doug to ever date Patti. It's one date. It's not a lifetime commitment to monogamous marriage. Stop being such a dumb seventh grader.

After the fantasy, Doug is apparently locked into conversation with Patti. She says she heard Doug is going to the party with Cassandra. Doug sheepishly admits this is true.

Patti says, "well, that's great! It should be a fun party. See you there!" If she's torn up about Doug's date with Cassandra, or even slightly bothered by it, she is hiding it well. It's almost like she doesn't want to date him and is happy at the prospect of him dating someone else so he can stop being so goddamn hung up on her.

Beebe grabs Doug and insists they plan every detail of the date. She doesn't want Doug screwing up her introduction to eighth grade society. Roger is skeptical. He says eighth graders know stuff and have been places. Doug tries to defend himself.

Then he is also skeptical. He has a fantasy. On a yacht, Cassandra and her friends are all having boring, pretentious conversation about sophisticated fancy things.

Doug joins the party, yucking it up, ready for a swim.

Roger says Doug will be humiliated, and before Doug can even defend himself, Al and Moo get the attention of everyone in the restaurant. They have a large device called Al and Moo's Date-o-rama. It plays music and has a full light show, but it's not clear how it's supposed to land them a date. They're dancing around, wearing jackets with rhinestones spelling out "DATE ME" on the back.

Al and Moo explain that they're having a contest where the winners win dates with them, among other fabulous prizes. Before their initial presentation ends, the Date-o-rama starts to malfunction. First, a light goes out. Then the top rolls off and smoke starts pouring out of the machine.

Everyone flees the restaurant as the sprinkler system kicks on. Al and Moo owe Mr. Swirly a lot of money, but he'll probably just make his insurance company pay for it.

At home, Doug is determined to be cool for his date. He's reading a book called Cool for Dummies.

He's also consulting with the coolest guy he knows: Porkchop.

Porkchop shows him this really cool move where you twirl your sunglasses around your index finger before smoothly placing them on your face. Doug tries it and jabs himself in the forehead.

Al and Moo's next tactic is an auto-dialer. Connie picks up first and hears, "congratulations! You have been chosen for a date to the upcoming beach party with one of the devastatingly popular Sleech Brothers. Press 1 for Al. Press 2 for Moo. Press 3 for both."

As the message plays, we see more female characters responding to it. The three age appropriate females hang up the phone, but that old woman...

She wants them both.

Finally, the big day has arrived. Doug has his best Hawaiian shirt on and he's about to ring Cassandra's doorbell. He's nervous and sweaty. Cassandra's mom answers the door and tells Doug she'll see if Cassandra is ready. The sight of Cassandra makes Doug slip into a time-filler fantasy.

I'm not about to transcribe what Cassandra says in this. Fuck it.

It is irrelevant.

After the fantasy, Cassandra puts on her sunglasses, asking, "shall we?"

Doug takes this cue to show off the trick her learned from his dog. He spins his sunglasses on his index finger. They fly off and bounce off several cool surfaces before falling into a cool umbrella stand. Doug struggles to retrieve his glasses while Cassandra giggles and says, "didn't I tell you he was funny?"

Cassandra is excited. She can't wait for Doug to meet her friends Summer, Hunter, and Devin. Doug says she'll like his friends too, trying to list them but getting stuck on Patti. Cassandra laughs at him, saying, "oh, Doug. You are so hilarious. Imagine me hanging out with seventh graders. Hahahahaha!" Doug is confused and saddened.

Doug and Cassandra thank Theda for the ride and she drives away without a word because fuck a damn beach party at the lake, right?

Skeeter approaches Doug and Cassandra and tells them they're just in time for beach croquet. He says he'll make sure they're both on his team.

Cassandra doesn't want to play beach croquet, which I assume is like regular croquet but played near some sand and water. Anyway, she says Summer, Hunter and Devin are waiting and walk away. Doug apologizes to Skeeter and explains that Cassandra wants him to hang out with her friends. The beginning of a truly healthy relationship. Yep.

Skeeter immediately finds replacements.

They don't have dates, so they are totally free to do whatever the hell they want.

Doug approaches the eighth graders and makes a great first impression.

So cool.

Hunter or Devin says Cassandra says Doug's a laugh riot, then demands that he say something funny.

As Doug gets older, he'll learn to deal with this sort of request in a variety of ways. Hannibal Buress has a good bit about it. Doug says, "something funny." When no one laughs, he explains that they told him to say something funny so he said something funny.

To be fair, fuck them. Summer says, "if he's so funny, how come we're not laughing?" That's on you, girl. Cassandra is upset with Doug because he's making her look stupid. He says Skeeter told him a joke the other day. Excitedly, she tells her friends to listen up.

Doug begins, "what do you get when you cross and elephant with a..."
"Oh, give me a break. Not an elephant joke. What are you, five?"
"Typical seventh grader. They're so immature."
"Dougie, you're mommy's calling!"

I hope these shitty characters don't show up again.

The whole situation finally pushes Doug over the edge.

They mock Doug for feeling sick, but when he actually throws up, they start to like him because throwing up is just fucking hilarious.

They truly are terrible characters. Doug should snap and drown them in the lake.

They invite Doug to go on the eighth grade ski trip. Summer invites him as her date, but Cassandra claims him for her own. While Cassandra explains that he's so funny and that's why she asked him out, Doug finally realizes she doesn't really like him at all. He just had an anxiety attack and she and her friends thought it was hilarious.

Hunter, Summer, and Devin start talking about how they all thought the seventh graders were losers. Summer starts by trashing Beebe.

"Too bad all that money can't buy her some class."

Summer doesn't even say anything negative about Skeeter's personality. She just calls him "Skeeter Blue Boy."

...is she being racist? I think she's being racist. I don't know.

Cassandra says, "and then there's perpetually perfect Patti Mayonnaise."

Mocking Patti finally pushes Doug over the edge.

"You all think you're so smart, but you know what you are? You're...you're...you're not my friends."

Doug walks away and Cassandra comes after him.

Doug explains that he doesn't have to perform like a trained seal with his friends. They like him whether he's funny or not.

So Doug joins his friends and sucks at beach croquet.

No word on how he would fare at regular croquet.

Meanwhile, Cassandra finds someone else to make her laugh.

She'll have to fight off the old woman, but I think she can manage it.

I still want Doug to explain why this beach party was the chance to ask Patti out he has been waiting for. I thought we covered this in the Dark Quail Saga. Did that not count? Is it ever going to count? Did he lie to his journal, himself, to make it seem like Patti wanted to go out with him?

I can't believe this episode did not include the Lucky Duck monster. Skeeter shouldn't have been excited about the party. He should have been campaigning to keep his friends away. Or throwing seasonings on the asshole eighth grade kids so the monster would eat them first, maybe overdose on some hormones.

Was that old woman arrested? Maybe she hooked up with the aliens.

Episode 35: Doug's Midnight Kiss

2016-07-25T09:59:00.000-07:00

Christmas is over. Doug and Skeeter are making the best of their vacation time. Skeeter's tossing a football to himself and Doug is writing in his journal.

Doug must have said, "hey Skeeter, wanna come over so you can be bored while I write in my journal?"

Doug's agenda for this journal entry is to review his New Year's resolutions from the beginning of the year to see how they went. I don't know what the first three resolutions were, but number four was "walk a mile in everybody's shoes." Doug checks it off. I hope he took that idea literally and just borrowed everyone's shoes for one mile hikes. Resolution number five is "grow chest hair." Another resolution Doug feels he accomplished. Generally, these are pretty bad resolutions though. What did he do to make himself feel like he walked a mile in everybody's shoes and what actions did he take to grow chest hair that aren't automatic results of him staying alive and entering puberty?

Resolution number six was "tell Patti how I feel about her."

"Oh well. Maybe next year." So much for the easiest resolution he had.

At Mr. Swirly, Patti asks Doug if he's going to Beebe's New Year's party.

He says, "I guess so." She says she is going too, then she says a goodbye and walks away with Connie. They sit down with Beebe at the next booth. Why aren't they all sitting together?

Patti shouts, "hey, Guy," as she's sitting down. Doug is watching.

Guy is standing by the counter. He makes a noise with his mouth then says to no one in particular, "hold the mayo." Get it? Since Doug witnessed the whole thing, he's suddenly apprehensive about New Year's Eve and tries to downplay the event. Skeeter agrees with him that New Year's is no big deal, but then Beebe starts talking about what a huge deal it is.

"New Year's is a huge deal! There's lots of eating and dancing and kissing. Everybody kisses at New Year's!"

Connie asks, "everybody?"

Beebe goes on to make the point that you have to kiss whoever you're with at midnight because it's a tradition. She starts looking at Skeeter to make her point, because the girl who attends a school shaped like her own head isn't exactly equipped with an ability for subtlety. Her little speech makes Skeeter have a small freakout where he chokes on his drink, but then he just orders another, so he's maybe not too worried about kissing Beebe.

Doug now sees the party as an opportunity to complete his resolutions.

"If Patti's going to kiss someone at midnight, I'm going to make sure it's me."

Skeeter takes a moment to connect the awful dots Doug just laid out. "Oh, I get it, man. Since kissing is a New Year's tradition, Patti will have to kiss you. She'll have no choice."

"Yeah! I mean, no. I mean...if I could just give her one kiss, maybe she'd finally know how I really feel about her." Skeeter bad. Doug not so bad, but still very questionable. Words would be a better way to tell someone how you feel about them.

So here's a fantasy about how the party is going to go. Doug and Patti will be the only ones there. They will be dressed up. Doug will be playing the piano. Patti will be amazed by his talent and romance.

Not content to this level of admiration, Doug will take off his shoes, climb on top of the piano, and continue playing the piano with his toes.

He is just as good with his feet as he is with his hands. After he hands Patti a rose without disrupting the music he's playing with his feet, Patti says, "I want you to kiss me like you've never kissed anyone before."

After the fantasy, Doug exclaims, "SKEETER! I've never kissed anyone before! I don't think I even know how!"

Roger overhears this (I mean, he wouldn't have to be snooping either. Doug shouted it. Are Patti, Connie, and Beebe still sitting at the booth next to them because they're probably hearing everything Skeeter and Doug are saying and awkward?) and begins his usual taunting.

After Roger calls him a loser, Doug asks how many girls he's kissed. Roger pulls out a notepad.

After consulting his notes, Roger confirms that he kissed 97 girls at New Year's last year. Skeeter asks how many of the girls actually wanted him to kiss. His reply is just awful.

"Who cares? The point is even a scammed kiss counts!" Roger says he's going for a new record this year. If you were ever wondering what Roger might go to jail for, here's a clue. Unfortunately, he now has money, so maybe don't get your hopes up that he'll receive a decent punishment when/if it happens.

Skeeter makes a joke about New Year's being the only way Roger can get a kiss. Doug says, "yeah, but he sounded so...experienced, and I don't know the first thing about kissing, unless you count my grandmother! I gotta learn fast, 'cause when the clock strikes midnight, I'm gonna be right there with the perfect kiss."

Oh, they are totally still sitting in the booth next to Doug and Skeeter, but judging by the smile on Patti's face, they were too busy in conversation to hear the guys.

Here's Doug getting ready to practice kissing.

Lucky for Porkchop, Doug has the balloon. Porkchop pops a tape into the VCR and it's a Smash Adams movie. Doug intends to study the kissing techniques of Smash Adams.

Smash Adams is holding a woman in his arms as they snowboard off a cliff. Smash opens a parachute and they begin kissing shortly thereafter.

Their parachute snags on the roof of a building and they end up hanging upside down. Their kissing continues uninterrupted.

Doug practices.

Porkchop is embarrassed.

Judy catches him. Embarrassed, Doug can't think of an excuse for his behavior. Judy says, "don't tell me. You're practicing for some loud, mindless, bourgeoisie New Year's Eve bash where mob mentality forces you to kiss someone at midnight. Patti, perhaps?"

She takes the balloon from Doug, promising to show him the proper technique. She does a weird sort of French act before doing a bad impersonation of Patti, then she throws the balloon away and chases Doug around the room trying to kiss him.

After Smash Adams and Judy failed Doug, he turned to his next great source of information.

Fuck.

Really, this could go a lot worse than it does. It's still a wholly useless learning experience for Doug though.

He hides this in an issue of The Amazing Man O Steel Man so no one can see what he's reading.

Skeeter walks up behind him and sees what he's reading. He blushes. Everyone in the store stares at him.

Skeeter says it's a cool issue of Teen Mush Magazine and he's already on step 32. Doug is too embarrassed to say anything but "oh" while he sheepishly puts the magazine back on the rack and walks away because he has that standard social anxiety disorder.

Doug stops by Lack Luster Video to pick up more movies for research. He's literally back where he started. It gets sort of weird when he walks past the Pet Pagoda and sees a kissing fish in the window. He thinks maybe he should just imitate nature.

Roger sees him imitating the fish and mocks him. Doug tries to play it off like he's been thinking about becoming a marine biologist. Roger says, "cut the chin wag, Funnie. Tomorrow night's New Year's Eve, and I don't want to risk chapping my lips with idle conversation." Shouldn't have fucking started it then, Roger. Asshole.

That night, Doug is practicing his duckface in the mirror.

Phil and Theda are settling in for a night of shitty New Year's TV and popcorn. Theda asks Judy if she's going to a party, and Judy dismisses the idea with a short rant about how stupid it all is. She says she's going to sit in her room and clean out the attic of her mind.

Doug catches his parents kissing and narrates, "it was kinda embarrassing. They are my parents after all, and really old. But they did look like they really liked each other."

Theda asks if Doug is ready for Beebe's party, and Phil asks if he has a ride over there. Doug says Mr. Dink is taking him. Mr. Dink is chaperoning. I guess being married to the mayor isn't all ribbon cuttings and shopping sprees and cocaine addiction. Sometimes you just have to do a shitty job.

Meanwhile, Judy's celebration is off to a great start. Unfortunately, she left her door open.

Theda and Phil start blowing some horns and disturb her peace. Rude.

At the party, Skeeter offers Doug some goat cheese and garlic hors d'doeuvres and he declines because of the breath issue..

So far, Doug's piano fantasy is all wrong.

Doug starts eating carrots while Beebe drags Skeeter off to dance.

Guy approaches Doug and gives him a warm greeting because really, they are friends and Guy doesn't know he's an annoying shitbag. Doug says, "I thought you never went to seventh grade parties."

"I don't. I'm in the next room. With Bill Bluff! And the future captains of industry! Having a grown up party!"

In the Bluffington world, there are conspiracy theories on the internet about what happens at Bill Bluff's Grown Up New Year's Party for Eighth Grade Boys. Maybe there's blurry pictures. Maybe it's not so much a conspiracy as a series of court settlements for undisclosed amounts and charges.

After Guy leaves, Doug returns to his carrots. Patti enters and shouts from across the room, "hey, Doug! Great party, huh?"

"Yeah...great."

Meanwhile, Judy is fucking bored with her meditation.

She calls her friend Cassius and gets an answering machine, I guess. I think that's what it's supposed to be. It starts, "hello, this is Cassius."

Judy says hello and starts to say something but is cut off by Cassius saying, "we all know New Year's Eve is a mindless ritual for the hoi polloi. HAPPY HOI POLLOI! HAHA!" A woman on the phone tells Cassius happy new year before making kissing noises. Maybe it's not the answering machine. I don't know. Either way, Judy hangs up in anger.

Back at the party, Doug is still standing alone, eating carrots. The clock goes from 9pm to 11pm. Doug has been standing there eating carrots the whole time. Chalky walks up and says, "eeeh, what's up, Doug?"

Suddenly, I fucking love Chalky. Anyway, Chalky asks if Doug has made any New Year's resolutions. Doug says he has just one. Chalky says, "yeah? Me too! I've decided to develop some character flaws. You know, people don't like you when you're too perfect?" Doug points out that he's off to a good start since people don't like it when other people talk with their mouth full of food.

Meanwhile, bored Judy wants to join her parents but still insists on making a thing of protesting it. They don't care and she joins them.

What was the point of making the popcorn if you weren't going to fucking eat it?

At the party, Doug is all out of carrots and terribly tired. He normally doesn't stay up this late. Roger helps him out with a blast from his horn.

He just wants Doug to watch him set a new kissing record.

Doug looks at the clock and sees it is 11:30, then spots Patti across the room, chatting with Guy.

Instead of joining the conversation and maybe talking to Patti before his planned kiss, Doug dances his way over to Skeeter.

"Skeeter, it's almost New Year's! What if I blow it? What if I don't kiss her right? What if I poke her in the eye with my nose? What if our teeth hit and cause a spark that hits the curtains and starts a fire!?"

"Wow...could happen, man." Thanks, Skeeter.

Doug returns to the earlier fantasy for some reason. Patti is horrified by Doug's kiss and pushes him away. As she stands up, he falls to the floor.

"Eww, where did you learn to kiss? On a balloon?"

"Well...yeah. But don't leave! I'll try harder next time!"

"There'll never be a next time, loser!"

The fantasy ends with Doug screaming, "nooooo," and in real life he starts backing up, as if recoiling from the horror of his imaginary failure. He backs into Patti.

She asks if he's okay and he says he's perfect. He then excuses himself and walks away. His plan to kiss her conflicts entirely with his plan to avoid her all night. After he leaves her alone and confused, Guy dances over.

Doug really starts to lose it here. He walks over to the snack table again, saying, "steady, Doug. Steady." He mindlessly stuffs his face with food and mutters, "she was close. Very close."

Beebe tells him she's glad he's enjoying the onion dip. He realizes he's been eating onions and excuses himself. Beebe is briefly confused.

Doug finds a corner where he can brush his teeth.

You realize how easy this is for me, right?

It's not midnight yet, but Roger's already chasing girls for kisses.

...what?

Suddenly, Doug can't find Patti. He's looking everywhere but can't find her. He asks Skeeter if he's seen her.

Beebe says she left with Guy to go to another party. Doug asks Mr. Dink if he can give them a ride to some other parties for an emergency.

Being a responsible chaperone, Mr. Dink immediately agrees and they leave.

Doug barges into Al and Moo's New Year's party to ask the nerds if Guy and Patti are there.

Before Doug can actually ask about Patti, Al and Moo decide to show off their dancing shoes. They are programmed to perform any dance.

Mr. Dink says he must have the dancing shoes and Al and Moo say they are very expensive. Makes you wonder if they are actually his sons.

Doug finally gets to ask Moo if Patti and Guy have been around. Moo tells him they left just before he got here.

At the next party, the foreign exchange student party apparently, Doug, Skeeter, and Mr. Dink are forced into some sort of foreign conga hopping line.

Fentruck tells Doug Patti and Guy left just before he got here.

And here's another party where Doug apparently just missed them.

Why are Guy and Patti going around to all these other parties? Who is driving them? You know what will really impress Patti? If you take her to Doug's dog's New Year's party. Porkchop and his dog friends are really cool! Good thinking, Guy.

Doug, Skeeter, and Mr. Dink return to Beebe's party just in time for the countdown . Doug is dejected. Skeeter reassures him that there's always next year. For the countdown, Mr. Dink turns on his new, very expensive, dancing shoes. They immediately malfunction.

Roger starts going for the record with Connie. Here's how that went.

Next, he tells Beebe she has something in her eye. She says, "really?" as if it's possible she didn't notice something in her eye but Roger did. He tells her he'll get it.

At the time, she was enjoying a piece of pie, and after Roger steals a kiss, she slams the pie in his face.

What you can't see in this picture...

...is the sound of Roger kissing other girls and getting slapped. Or getting food or drink thrown in his face. Doug narrates, "watching Roger, I was suddenly glad I didn't try to steal a kiss from Patti."

Doug has a fantasy about his first kiss.

"I wanted my first kiss to really mean something. To be something special. Not because it was New Year's, but because Patti wanted me to kiss her."

Why the fuck is everything on fire? Oh how romantic. All the poor people's meager possessions are aflame, just like our hearts are for each other.

Doug says he wants his first kiss to be like his parents' kiss, where it means something because they both really care about each other.

Meanwhile, Beebe is chasing down Skeeter to demand a kiss. He relents, and look how happy he is...

That's not enough for her though.

I guess she's better than Roger because she's only forcing one person, but still...inappropriate.

Judy gets her midnight kisses from her sleeping parents.

WHAT IS THE FUCKING DEAL WITH THIS BOTTOMLESS BOWL OF POPCORN? WHO DO I HAVE TO SLEEP WITH TO GET THAT?

Doug is sitting outside the party with a tray of hors d'oeuvres when Patti approaches him, saying she's been looking for him everywhere.

He says he's been looking for her too, but then asks, "where's Guy?"

"Guy? Ugh. Do you believe this whole New Year's Eve was about Guy trying to steal a kiss from me?"
"Steal a kiss? That's bad, isn't it? So, what'd you do?"
"Well, I told him I was just at the party to have fun, and if this whole party was about kissing, then I was leaving!"

"Well, I'm glad you did."
"Me too. At least with you, I can relax about all that kissing stuff. I'm just not ready for that yet."
"Yeah, me neither."

Roger runs up to them to brag about breaking his record. He's covered in food.

He's also committed several counts of sexual battery, and he's openly bragging about it, so the mob of girls that chase him off is understandable. Doug asks Patti if she's hungry and says "there might still be a little pie left that Roger's not wearing,"

Episode 32: Doug's Dougapalooza

2016-07-08T13:07:00.000-07:00

Doug's alarm wakes him up at 7 am.

A voice-over asks, "tired of waking up for school?" Doug is intrigued.

"Wish you could do something more exciting, like fighter pilot?"

The mysterious voice-over continues throwing Doug into different jobs.

As a doctor, he asks for a sponge, uses it to dry his forehead, and the patient is taken away untouched.

He just gets clobbered as a professional athlete.

Nothing really happens when he's an archeologist.

He's embarrassed by his tights, but Porkchop is into it.

I don't know why this voice-over is making his mind try on all these professions.

Coming soon to my portfolio...

After this one, the voice-over says, "okay, stop." Doug and Porkchop fall back into Doug's bed.

"Now, do you wanna know where you can get training for all these careers absolutely free?"

"At school!"

"Don't be foolish. Get schoolish! This message was brought to you by the people who like school."

So, Doug finally starts his journal entry about school. His first sentence is, "school really can help you be what you wanna be." Doug already understands this, so it's almost a warning that we're about to get an episode about someone else learning a lesson.

As an example, Doug says that Chalky wants to be a doctor and school is helping him prepare for that.

Doug says Chalky will be in school until he's 30. He then takes an unnecessary shot at Skunky, saying he'll be in school until he's 30 also. Skunky is playing with a flask and bunsen burner when Mr. Bone confiscates both. The implication of course is that Skunky is stupid and will never graduate. What did Skunky ever do to you, Doug?

The basic set-up for this episode doesn't really make a lot of sense. Doug basically says that Connie seemed like she was going to drop out of school. Why? Well, it started when Mr. Mayonnaise played a video in class.

At the end of the video, Mr. Mayonnaise says, "so much for local history in the making, how about a hand for our own Connie Benge!" The class cheers and Connie blushes.

What the shit is this about? Why did he show that video? What class does he teach? Is it history? He teaches history. What does her video have to do with history? The bell rings and as the students get up to leave, he reminds them of their impending test on Friday.

While digging through his locker, Doug tells Skeeter, "it's kinda neat having someone even a little famous at our school." Skeeter says the whole town will be famous once he finds the lake monster. Connie joins them and they act like geek fans.

Doug asks, "is that you? Aren't you Connie Benge, famous tv star and singer?" Skeeter asks for her autograph. She tells them to cut it out and then they leave the school together. She's saying she wasn't even that good, but Doug reassures her that she was great. Outside, they are greeted by a crowd.

Something's missing here right? Maybe I don't have the full episode and what I have is missing a very critical scene that makes sense of this. There's no explanation for where the video of Connie came from. Is it from another episode that I've either forgotten or haven't seen? Doug just says Mr. Mayonnaise played it in class. Immediately after that, she was mildly famous. This is only further confused by the rest of the episode, as you'll see.

At Lucky Duck Lake, Skeeter is creeping around with a small net. At some bushes, he gets a bit of a smirk on his face as he brings the net down onto something. He declares, "I caught the Lucky Duck Monster!"

I think the lake is supposed to be foggy, as a sort of explanation as to how Skeeter could have made such a stupid mistake, but I'm not convinced. Skeeter needs to get his damn eyes checked. Skeeter is disappointed by his catch, then asks what they are doing. They say they are shooting wildlife, then tell him to watch. Skeeter is somewhat horrified by the idea, because he thinks they are hunting. They use a device to scare up some ducks, and then use the most awesome, ridiculous camera to shoot pictures.

Skeeter is intrigued by the device they used to call the birds. He thinks it could be adapted to call the monster. They are skeptical.

They laugh at Skeeter and jokingly suggest the monster is an alien placed there for safe-keeping. Skeeter doesn't think that's such a far-fetched idea and for some reason that makes them think it's not so crazy. They agree to help him.

On television, K-Bluff's Spaceman is promoting a song contest.

This weekend, Flounder from The Beets will be judging the contest. The winning song will be played on K-Bluff and the winning songwriter or group will get a night on the town with Flounder.

Apparently already famous for being on TV, Connie is looking forward to the contest to win an appearance on the radio. I'm still pretty sure I'm missing something that makes this make even a little sense.

At lunch the next day, Doug says Connie is turning everything she sees into a song.

Doug and Skeeter are eating their crappy cafeteria food and she sings about how she saw it move so it couldn't be FDA approved. Chalky calls the song great, and Doug and Skeeter agree with him but push their food away, no longer hungry.

Later, this guy asks her to sing a song about him. She's holding a harmonica and wails, "I got the retainer blues!"

So, she sings a crappy blues song about his crooked teeth. He feels bad. She didn't need to do that. She could have made the song about his stupid tie (editor's note: I would actually like a tie like that and if you can provide one for me that would be just swell and you should send me a message and hook me up because I need something to wear to job interviews) but no she had to sing about something he can't change so easily but he's clearly trying to change. After he sulks off, his friends tell Connie her song wasn't nice. They say he's very sensitive about his appliance. She says they obviously don't know what the blues are. One of them points out that "the blues are a slow tempo'd music style containing flatted thirds and sevenths."

After school, Beebe stops Connie outside to remind her that they had planned to study. There's a beat-boxing beat coming from an unknown source and Connie uses that to do something truly horrible.

"Yo, my name is Beebe Bluff. I can never get enough. My daddy owns the town and buys me lots of stuff!"

Unimpressed, Beebe asks, "don't you think you're taking this contest thing a little too far?"

"Maybe I'm takin' this too far, or you're just jealous I'm a star."

Beebe walks away without another word.

At Mr. Swirly, Beebe warns Doug, Patti, and Skeeter that they better leave before Connie starts singing about their big noses. Doug and Skeeter actually seem to be concerned about this. Patti says Connie already sang about her haircut. Beebe says Connie is so full of herself after being on TV. Doug says that's harsh, but then Connie finally enters the restaurant and sings a song about how she's so full of herself. Doug tells Beebe, "I guess you've got a point. Well, leave it to me. I can handle it."

Connie wants to talk to Doug. Before Doug can get into however he planned to handle Connie (seriously, we missed out on what surely would have been a great blunder), Connie asks Doug about his band that had 17 drummers. She wants to team up so they can win the song contest. Doug immediately agrees, impressing Beebe with his great situation handling abilities.

Doug has a fantasy that's just The Beatles on Ed Sullivan. It's Connie and the Duggles though.

There are three Doug's playing three drum sets. Naturally, if Doug was a Beatle, he's be Ringo three times before he was anyone else. In the audience, Patti says, "oh, Doug! You are so rock-n-roll." She then swoons and slumps down in her chair, though it's unclear which Doug she's talking about. This whole sequence is especially weird with the sound, because Connie is singing but she's clearly not singing in the audio.

The mostly female audience is chanting Doug's name when Ms. Kristal pops up, calmly asking for his attention.

This doesn't seem to happen as much as it did in the Nickelodeon series, but Doug's fantasy is being interrupted by his reality. After Ms. Kristal says, "Doug?" a few times, she asks, "are you listening?"

She just wants to collect his homework. How much did he miss while he was out? Meanwhile, Connie didn't even do her homework because she couldn't see how it would help her career as a rock star.

After class, Doug asks her if she's maybe taking the competition too seriously.

She says they have to be serious to beat out the competition. Doug asks, "what competition?" On cue, music starts playing over the school intercom. The A/V club has formed their own band, and taken over the intercom. They're playing a song about how they are nerds.

I like that they took the effort to dress in full DEVO costume even though no one can see them because that is not how school intercom systems work. Fucking nerds, right?

Doug says they're good, and Connie tells him not to worry. She says she has a secret weapon.

Her secret weapon sucks. She has Beets trading cards. The trading cards have Flounder's Rules for Rock Superstardom. Doug reads the first one she hands him. "Rule #34: Wear a woolly hat when cold is where you're at." This episode predates the internet's version of Rule #34, but somewhere out there is Doug, Connie, and a woolly hat doing stuff I don't want to see so if you find it please keep it to yourself.

Anyway, Doug think's the woolly hat rule is practical, but thinks they should actually practice a song. Connie reads another rule and it pertains to how you're supposed to look. "Without a rockin' look, you're just a rockin' schnook." Connie has video evidence to reinforce this idea.

Doug has a fantasy about how this plays out. In the first one, they're dressed as they normally dress, and they're unenthusiastically singing a song about how they practiced a lot. The crowd boos and throws shit at them.

Another take has them in different clothes, jamming on their instruments. Fireworks are exploding. The crowd goes wild.

The less said about this, the better. After the fantasy, Connie drags Doug to the mall to buy what they need to achieve a look.

Meanwhile, Skeeter, Al, and Moo are working on their monster call.

With this engine, they've got all the parts they need. Skeeter asks them where they got it and they hesitate before saying they found it. They are thieves, basically.

At the mall, Doug and Connie are walking out of an art supplies store. Doug asks her what all the posterboard is for. She reads another rule that says, "publicity is a necessity." Basically, she wants Doug to make 100 posters for their band so they (or rather, he) can put them around town. They'll win the contest by making sure everyone knows who they are, even though it's really only one guy judging the contest.

Doug says he has two tests coming up, so he doesn't have time to make all these posters. Connie says she has four tests she has to blow off, so everyone has to make sacrifices to win the contest. The nerds interrupt their discussion again by broadcasting their video throughout the mall.

Doug says they're really good. Connie agrees, then gives Doug another hundred posterboards. Doug just wants to know when they're going to practice.

Back in Skeeter's story, Al and Moo are ready to unveil their monster call. Unlike the convenient, hand-held device they used to call birds, the monster call is a full vehicle.

Skeeter says it looks like they stole the design from Dr. Seuss. They say it's an homage. They turn on the machine and all the dogs in the neighborhood start howling. Al and Moo say they need to make adjustments.

So Doug is actually working on the posters.

Connie is working on the other rules for rock superstardom. The rule she's currently working on is about wild hair.

She also gets a leather jacket, big shoes, and a guitar with five necks.

Doug somehow finished the posters and wants to show Connie. He is initially shocked by her new look. She says she has a surprise for him. The surprise is Roger.

"Rule #3: If you want a big recording deal, get a manager who can lie, cheat, and steal."

Roger looks at one of Doug's posters and calls them outdated. He says Connie Benge doesn't exist anymore. She explains that she dropped her last name, just like Flounder. Roger says the problem now is that Doug is just "Dork Funnie." Finally, Doug gets his rock star makeover.

Roger says he almost looks cool. Presumably he means "almost" in a Peter Criss sort of way, even though the makeup is clearly a Paul Stanley. Connie says they're going to have to rehearse their song all night and all day tomorrow, finally. Doug protests because they have a history test tomorrow. She says they're going to have to quit school. Doug is not okay with this. Roger points out that Flounder quit school and became a rich rock star. Connie gives him an ultimatum: quit school or quit the band.

The first act we see at the big song competition is a little weird. It's four people wearing hats shaped like ears of corn, and they're square dancing. The last line of their song is, "I decided not to take off my shoe, 'cuz I'm saving my toenails for you." Stiff competition.

The K-Bluff host introduces the next group, Lamar Bone's Polkamaniacs.

Stiff competition.

Doug narrates that he only came to the competition to tell Connie he wasn't going to quit school to be in her band.

Al and Moo have made their adjustments and they are finally ready to call the monster. Skeeter pulls a lever to start the incomprehensible monster call, and the machine blows the garage door away.

An animation mistake replaces the garage door as they attempt to drive the not-street-legal vehicle out of the garage. The machine doesn't fit, so Al and Moo cut big chunks out of the garage door frame so it fits.

Back at the contest, Connie says she doesn't see the nerds. Roger says they got distracted before the contest.

In a flashback, we see Roger telling the nerds that he needs help setting up his 4D TV. Opening the doors on the entertainment center, Roger is not surprised to find that the TV is already hooked up.

Roger's plan works because nerds can't resist the chess world championship. Can you tell that the guy is playing chess against a toaster? Because that's what's happening. The nerds are mesmerized. All the work they've put into their act and this is where it ends....

Doug asks Connie if they can talk alone. Roger says she's not Connie anymore. She's this.

Doug doesn't get it. Roger and Connie are condescending about the whole thing. Doug doesn't even get to quit the band. She tells them to stand aside while she observes Rule #1: Get crazy on the stage and you'll be all the rage. She picks up a guitar and smashes it. Roger points out that it wasn't her guitar. After they walk off, the guitar's owner finds his shattered instrument.

Meanwhile, Skeeter, Al, and Moo drive their machine right past a turn they were apparently supposed to take to get to Lucky Duck Lake. Al and Moo comment on their lack of a steering wheel.

Back at the contest, the K-Bluff host introduces the Kid Formerly Known as Connie.

Not Pictured: Prince.

Her song is all about how much she hates school and doesn't need it. Everyone loves it. The host says it's time to find out who wins, when Flounder says, "hold on. I think I hear a late entry." What he hears is Skeeter, Al, and Moo and their monster machine.

It's making all kinds of noise that I couldn't begin to describe. The machine crashes into the stage. Al and Moo are disoriented and think they've caught the monster and its alien elder. Flounder hops down from the stage and asks Skeeter his name.

Skeeter introduces himself and Flounder announces the winner. It's Skeeter and his song Monster Call. Doug tells Connie she was really good and Roger says he would have brought the energy up a little.

At Mr. Swirly, Connie is drowning her sorrows in curly fries.

The waiter asks if Connie wants to talk about it, and Connie says, "I lost to a big goofy horn. What's to say!? More fries!"

Flounder responds, "but you came pretty darn close."

The waiter asks for Flounder's autograph after he asks for an order to go.

Angrily, Connie says she did everything his cards said to win, even quit school. He asks, "my cards said to quit school?"

"Not exactly, but you quit school."

Flounder struggles to spell out "love" for the autograph. Connie helps him out, then asks what's the point of school if you're going to rock and roll. Flounder then struggles to spell Flounder. Connie is surprised he can't spell. He admits he can't read too good either. Connie doesn't think this is a big deal because he is at least rich. He says he isn't. He asks, "would a rich guy need to judge a local radio contest?" He says quitting school is what got The Beets in trouble in the first place.

They couldn't read their contracts, and when they broke up the record company took everything. Presumably, there's a Bluffington equivalent of Michael Jackson eager to buy the rights to the songs.

Here's the really shitty thing: Wendy went to college, studying pre-law so she understood the contract. After the breakup, she's fine.

Couldn't help out your band mates then, eh? Shitty thing to do.

Flounder offers to add a new rule to his trading cards. "It's cool to stay in education."

Connie suggests, "it's cool to stay in school." Flounder then has trouble spelling school.

So Connie stays in school and Flounder determines to become more literate. He writes a song about how cool it is to stay in school and blows away this crowd of eight.

Connie congratulates Skeeter on the win and says Monster Call really is a great song. Doug laments the fact that the call never made it to Lucky Duck Lake.

Skeeter says it probably wouldn't have worked anyway. Meanwhile a couple is at the lake dancing to the song when the water nearby starts bubbling.

This episode makes no fucking sense. I love most of the songs in it, so it's a wash, but like...Connie became famous because Mr. Mayonnaise played a video of her in class? Then, after becoming locally famous, her next big step was winning a competition nearly everyone in town entered? Connie decided to quit school to win a local radio contest with the world's most underwhelming prize. Where are her parents during all of this? Probably hanging out with Phil and Theda.

Skeeter, Al, and Moo built this horn vehicle to try to call the monster out of the lake, but it crashed and they never got to take it to the lake. They can't rebuild it or better, just take the recording of it to the lake? That's it? The end of that idea. It probably wouldn't have worked anyway, but first lets waste a week stealing shit to build it.

Episode 31: Judy, Judy, Judy

2016-06-25T09:05:00.000-07:00

This episode barely features Doug. This episode is all about Judy. We begin on a shot of Doug. Someone is recording him.

The weird thing about this shot is that we hear what Doug is writing in his journal. This would have been a great time to establish that he sits there reading out loud what he's writing in his journal. Instead he's just writing with his mouth hanging open slightly.

Anyway, he's writing about how, with the help of Skeeter of course, he'll soon have proof that the Lucky Duck Monster is real. He doesn't get far into his journal entry before he notices he's being taped. He yells at Judy to turn the camera off and she replies, "once more with feeling." He slams the door in her face.

She says she's doing a documentary about their family for her video class and she "can't leave anything out just because it's vile and repulsive."

Wh...what? He was writing in his journal. He was fully clothed and he was writing in his journal. It seems extremely weird to describe his behavior in this moment as vile and repulsive. Doug doesn't really do vile and repulsive. You want vile and repulsive? How about filming your parents in bed?

"Honey, do I have a pimple on my...AHHH! JUDY!?"

Theda slams the door in Judy's face and tells her she shouldn't sneak up on them because it's not polite. Judy explains that she needs to film everyone as they are and Phil replies, "well, why can't you show me as I really am with my shirt on?"

So, she sits down to explain that the documentary will now focus on her. She calls her family "anti-artistic." If only they were more artistic, they'd be exhibitionists, apparently. I guess.

"In this film, I will be scrupulously honest! There will be no censorship. No acting! Only the honest, unedited, real thing."

Judy's editor thinks take 17 of this line seems the most honest.

Judy agrees, but wants to use the first half of take 2 and the end of take 17.

In another talking head for her narcissistic documentary, Judy says, "the single hardest thing in the world is being natural and authentic on camera." This is her segue to talk about her favorite actor, Gwynne Gauntlet.

Over several clips from Gauntlet's career, Judy says she's totally authentic no matter the role. In all of the clips, her character says, "what is your problem?" This is especially bizarre. The woman has apparently forced a catchphrase into every role she's ever played. For comparison, I doubt that even Larry the Cable Guy has forced his dumb catchphrase into every movie he's been in, and even if he has (you research that and get back to me), the only idea more absurd than that would be a pretentious drama student praising him for his authenticity. Judy is a fucking hack.

She finishes the clip by saying Gwynne Gauntlet can do more with four words than other actors do with an entire dictionary. She says she should know this because she goes to acting school.

Next, she criticizes her fellow students. They start fighting for attention from the camera she's holding.

They quote various famous lines and she uses the footage to call them fake, as everyone is fake now that they are applying to college, competing for few spots at various prestigious acting schools. In the library, the editor from earlier (if she has a name, I've missed it.) says she hates all this applying for college that's going on because it makes everyone so competitive. She then immediately participates in what she just professed hatred for by telling Kim (yes, the third wheel in this scene gets a fucking name but I have to refer to the other one as "the editor from earlier") "I'll tell you where I applied if you tell me where you did."

Kim replies, "no thanks. Don't care." Thank you, Kim, and while that was my initial reaction to discovering this episode was primarily about Judy, I think you'll agree it's not a total waste of time.

The editor from earlier doesn't let Kim get her down and proceeds to ask Judy where she's applying.

The editor is shocked because it's such a hard school to get into. Judy is skeptical because Haley Styles got in and Judy's grades are way better than hers. The editor laughs and calls Judy naive. Haley Styles got into Vole School of Emoting because her parents knew a famous director and he wrote a recommendation. It had nothing to do with her grades.

"Let me get this straight: you're saying the entire notion of academic merit is just a cruel joke?"

The editor suggests Judy find out if her parents know anyone famous.

Theda has a friend that runs a place called the Puppy Time Playhouse over in New Hamster. She's sure her friend would write a recommendation. We're supposed to jump to the conclusion that the Puppy Time Playhouse is irrelevant to Judy's needs but she's applying to Vole School of Emoting. "Puppy Time Playhouse" could be almost anything, and puppies are better than voles, so I don't know. Maybe take what you can get. In the background, Doug reads a card for the board game.

Doug: "Who wrote Romeo and Juliet?"
Phil: "OH! I used to know that. Is it a movie?"

Good to have that moment on tape. The scene on the tape changes abruptly to a calm lake. Doug is complaining about having to be out there so early.

Skeeter says this is when the monster comes out to feed. How does he know this? They're still trying to prove the monster actually exists, so until then, you can just assume all of Skeeter's facts about the monster are bullshit. Doug lays down, saying he's going back to sleep. Skeeter says he's not going to sleep through prime monster spotting time, but he falls asleep shortly anyway.

Splashing in the water wakes Doug up. He wakes Skeeter up and they fumble around with the camera trying to get it to record what must be the monster. On the camera, all we see as it finally focuses is this.

Doug and Skeeter are screaming at whatever terrifying thing that is.

They rush back to Doug's house to watch the tape, because sticking around to see if anything resurfaces is bullshit. They have to see what might be on the tape! Unfortunately, Judy sees them and demands to know what they are doing with her camera.

It might be safe to assume that the camera actually belongs to Judy's school. You can't assign a video project and assume all students have a camera at home to work with. If this is the case, Doug and Skeeter can go fuck themselves. Actually, they can go fuck themselves either way, because they used one of her tapes. The tape is labeled "Family Documentary Tape #2" and that is completely unacceptable. Whether her documentary is any good is irrelevant. It's part of an assignment for school. She doesn't steal Doug's writing utensils and random pages of his incomplete homework to doodle Shakespeare's butthole or whatever. Anyway, she takes the camera and the tape without letting them see the bullshit they filmed.

Judy defends herself by saying, "this tape is my personal video diary. Do I read your pathetic little journal?"
"YES!"
"Well, that's different. You're too boring to have anything to be embarrassed about."
"I have YOU!"

So, Judy's in class showing some of the footage she's shot for her documentary. The only thing we see is Phil hammering a nail in a wall to hang a picture. Judy says it's not very interesting so she tried to spice it up a little. Everyone in her class greets this pointless shit with blank stares.

The teacher asks Judy to remember what he said about authenticity and staying true to your subject. She says it was just so boring, so he says they'll talk about it later. Spoiler alert: they don't talk about it later. Fucking liar.

Giving up on teaching Judy anything, the teacher announces they're having a guest teacher next week and he has a sign-up sheet. Judy correctly identifies the sign-up sheet as a bullshit means of making one of the students act as an unpaid personal assistant to the guest teacher. No one gives a shit until he reveals that the guest teacher is Gwynne Gauntlet.

Judy puts this scene into her documentary, but pauses it to criticize the stampede. She's just sooooo above it. Anyway, she wins the stampede and signs up first.

Next, we have a scene with a girl who refuses to have a name, and a guy I've never seen before. They're on a golf course, being assholes.

The editor is criticizing Judy for signing up for the thing just for a recommendation. The guy points out she would be doing it if she hadn't tripped over her own feet. She starts to explain that it's different because she doesn't need a recommendation, but gets distracted by what the guy is doing. She asks him what he's doing, and calls him by his name, which is Cas or Cassius, depending on how she feels like addressing him. He says he's training for the luge. His plan for college is to qualify for any small sport nobody's ever heard of so that every college will be eager to accept him. I would skip over this entire scene if it wasn't slightly relevant later.

At the airport, Judy is pretty anxious to meet Gwynne Gauntlet.

She's narrating her documentary, but her camera is in the seat next to her so I don't know what video plays under her narration. She says she feels they were destined to become great friends. Judy has her own ridiculous fantasy. She's having a sleepover with Gwynne.

Gwynne says Judy is the sister she never had and asks if she'd like to be in a movie.

In the movie, Gwynne asks, "what is your problem?"
Judy replies, "my problem!? What is YOUR problem!?"
The movie is called What's Our Problem?

After the fantasy, Judy notices that Gwynne's plane has arrived. She basically freaks out and turns into a stupid fan with a camera.

Gwynne Gauntlet tries to ignore the obnoxious fan with a camera but eventually has to address her by pushing her over.

Meanwhile, Doug and Skeeter are sneaking into Judy's room to find the tape they used to film the Lucky Duck Monster. They are idiots, so they're wearing camo and face paint and they're crawling on the ground. Skeeter notices a teddy bear open its eyes and grows suspicious.

When he grabs it with the tongs(?) the bear says, "I love you." Skeeter can't resist the temptation any longer and picks up the bear to give it a hug. The chest it was sitting on opens and powder explodes from inside, covering Skeeter. A sign says, "DOUG GET OUT!" A recording of Judy says, "Doug, how many times do I have to tell you to STAY OUT OF MY STUFF!?"

Doug uses a fire iron to remove a tape from a shelf. Luckily, it is Family Documentary Tape #2.

Forgetting their apparent need for stealth, Doug and Skeeter run downstairs and play the tape. It begins with a short intro from Judy.

She says she knew Doug would try to steal his stupid monster tape, so she labelled all the tapes Family Documentary Tape #2. His monster footage might be on this tape or one of the hundreds of others. This seems like a huge waste of time. It would be funnier to send Doug on an elaborate scavenger hunt that ends when he finds the tape under a large electromagnet (borrowed from Mr. Dink, of course, very expensive). Anyway, Doug says he'll make popcorn, indicating that they intend to watch all the tapes.

Meanwhile, Gwynne Gauntlet is apologizing to Judy because she thought she was a "sleazebag photojournalists who follow me everywhere."

Judy apologizes for having the camera in the first place, but Gwynne says she was just doing what any ambitious, talented gal would do. She then asks Judy for some hangers. While retrieving the hangers, Judy offers thanks for the whole teaching thing Gwynne is doing. Gwynne starts piling clothes on Judy's arms while she explains that the whole thing is just a public relations stunt they're filming for some stupid show.

Judy offers Gwynne endless help. Gwynne immediately accepts the help and starts listing tedious tasks, like brushing her suede boots and arranging her wake up call and lunch for tomorrow. Before closing the hotel door on Judy, she finishes her orders with, "thanks so much. See you tomorrow, Jenny Penny."

Apparently Judy doesn't know how to brush suede boots because Theda is doing it.

Phil asks when they'll get to meet the movie star. Judy deflects saying she's probably too busy to meet them. Theda says they should invite her over for dinner. Phil wants to tell her about his ideas for movies, like one where all the cops are singing.

At school, Gwynne Gauntlet is showing home movies from her childhood as example. The footage is of her with her father in some foreign country studying some ancient thing, then her mom walks up, then the Dalai Lama joins them.

Little Gwynne asks the Dalai Lama, "what is your problem?" The editor is especially impressed by the footage. The clip is short, but it basically reinforces the idea that connections, not talent or hard work, are all that matter. After the clip, Gwynne says she wants to see some of their family videos. She calls on Jenny Penny. Judy puts her tape in the VCR and says she's trying to create a dialog with the footage she shot.

The footage is pretty funny. It's poorly shot, and Judy has replaced her parents' voices with her own so she could make them have a pretentious conversation about a production of The Tempest they saw last night. I would like to hear what they were actually saying, because Phil's showing Theda something on his ass.

After the clip, Judy is asking the editor and Kim, "so, you didn't think that technique was interesting?" Kim tells her it seemed like she was trying to hide who her parents really are. Before they can have further discussion about this, Gwynne screams for Jenny Penny. Apparently, the sushi place forgot her maki. Judy says she has a class right now, and offers to get the maki for her as an afternoon snack. Gwynne has a total breakdown, stumbling back against the wall, screaming about her maki.

She says she is worthless without her maki, and slides to the floor. Jesus, lady, what is your problem?

The editor jumps in to say she could get the maki if Judy is too busy, but Judy rushes off to get it. While Judy is walking away, a no longer despondent Gwynne reminds Judy to reschedule her flight and do the rest of the list she gave her this morning.

So Judy rushes to Somethin' Fishy, that's the sushi restaurant, and then a flower shop, and then the cleaners. After the flower shop, there's a home video shot of Judy exhausted. Her voice-over says Gwynne's demands were starting to get taxing.

Judy recaps all the tasks she's completed. Gwynne is thoroughly pleased and calls her an absolute treasure.

Judy takes this opportunity to tell Gwynne she needs something. Gwynne says she'll do anything, but when Judy asks her to write a recommendation for Vole University, she looks it over and says, "oh, Jenny Penny...no."

She says Judy isn't meant for college. She says, "you remind me of me, back when I was your age."
"Two years ago, right?"
"Yes! I thought about college as well."
"Did you now!?"
"But instead, I decided to struggle and work for my dreams right away! So I asked my papa please to cast me in a movie he was producing and I have never looked back."

Judy says she really needs this recommendation, so Gwynne relents and agrees to write one.

When Judy gets home, everyone is having dinner. Theda asks if she knows what time it is. She apologizes and says she got tied up. Theda says she might have called and Phil says they were worried.

I don't get the big fucking deal. Suddenly they're worried when one of their kids doesn't make it home in time for dinner. "Oh, my! It's nearly 6:30 and young Judith is not yet home! Shall we phone the police and file a missing person report?"
"No, not yet. Dinner is ready. After we eat we'll call them up. Oh, and do remember to ask the police if they can recommend a good place to buy a coffin for a teenager. She is surely dead by now."

Their argument escalates. Judy sarcastically apologizes for working hard to get in to college. Phil says that's not the point. Theda says they're not angry at her for working, but Judy cuts her off before she can finish what I'm sure would have been a really good explanation for why they are angry with her. Judy says if they were more important and had connections, she wouldn't have to run around kissing up to celebrities to get recommendations. She yells, "TELL ME THE TRUTH! YOU BOUGHT ME FROM GYPSIES, DIDN'T YOU? HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN BORN INTO A FAMILY THAT THINKS JEAN LUC ENNUIS IS A SALAD DRESSING!?"

Phil asks, "if he's not a salad dressing, who is he?"

Doug says, "Ennuis' early works vibrated with a certain joie de vivre, but I have to say his later works lacked a, hmmm...how do you say, je ne sais quoi."

At his parents' blank stares, Doug clarifies that he's been watching some of Judy's tapes.

The editor picks Judy up the next day and says she looks like death in a basket. Judy says she's fine. The editor says Judy shouldn't let Gwynne work her to the bone because it's humiliating and not worth it in the end. Judy narrates and I finally caught the editor's name. Judy says, "I knew Sincerity was only saying it out of envy, but I have to admit, she had a point." Fucking Sincerity. I'd go back and edit the post to put her name every where it would otherwise have gone, but fuck that. I might still just call her the editor.

At school, Gwynne tells Judy that the producer of It's Entertainment wants to arrange dinner tonight for her, the director, and some other important people. Judy says she's really tired, but Gwynne ignores her and tells her to pick a restaurant and make reservations, and then call her fiancé and tell him it's over.

Judy says she has to tell Gwynne something. She was going to tell Gwynne she couldn't treat people like this and that she quits.

Gwynne disarms Judy by saying, "Jenny Penny, you can tell me anything. We are like sisters. Tell sis your problem."

Judy stammers, then meekly asks what time the dinner reservation should be for.

"At that moment, there was only one person I hated more than Gwynne Gauntlet. Me."

Remember earlier at the golf course with the guy practicing for the luge? Well, he's given that up and is now trying the caber toss. He doesn't do well at it either.

Judy enters Gwynne's hotel room to tell her they are two hours until showtime. Gwynne is sitting on the bed eating strawberries and drinking what must be a mimosa and playing solitaire. Judy notices her Vole University application is on the bedside table under a coffee mug. She picks it up and says, "oh, I guess you didn't have time to get to my recommendation."

"Ahh! Meant to all morning, but it's just been so crazy. I'll do it first thing after the show."

Judy is skeptical because Gwynne's really not going to have time for it. Gwynne asks Judy about a few errands she was supposed to run and makes Judy realize she forgot to take her suit to the school. Judy lies and says it's there. When they get to the school, she calls home hoping Phil or Theda can bring it. When Phil says, "hello," Judy assumes he picked up the phone and starts to give him instructions. When the phone keeps ringing in her ear, and Phil and Theda walk up, she realizes she is completely fucked.

Judy freaks out. She hears Gwynne coming and tells her parents to hide. They try to make it about her being embarrassed by them, but she doesn't have time to argue. She runs out of the dressing room to greet Gwynne. Barging into the dressing room, Gwynne looks around and asks where her suit is, before assuming it must be in the closet. Judy stops her from opening the closet and is about to confess that she fucked up, but Doug shouts, "hey Judy look what I got," right before running into the dressing room with the suit. Unfortunately he trips.

Gwynne demands to know who Doug is, and Judy says he's just the laundry delivery boy. Gwynne freaks the fuck out.

"Laundry delivery boy? Looook what he's done to my suit! It's a mess! I ought to have you fired you little twerp! Do you realize what you've done? WHAT DO I HAVE TO WEAR FOR THE NETWORK NOW? YOU TINY CRUMB OF CHEESE! YOU HUMAN DOORKNOB! YOU INSIGNIFICANT LITTLE PILE OF..."

"SHUT UP!!!"

Judy has finally had enough and admits that Doug is her brother and her parents are hiding in the closet.

Judy goes on a pretty good rant that finishes with the great reveal that her name is actually Judy. Gwynne's response is hilarious.

"Judy, Judy, Judy...why didn't you tell me he was your brother? I thought he was a delivery boy whom I was free to humiliate."

Judy says, "he's a human being! You don't have a right to treat anyone that way!"

Gwynne ignores this and says, "you know, Judy, if you don't want to do something for me, say so!"

Judy tries to say she thought Gwynne wouldn't give her a recommendation if she didn't do everything, but Gwynne predicts this and tells Judy to get her video camera.

"Dear admissions officers, as I'm sure you can tell, I'm Gwynne Gauntlet, and this is Judy Funnie. She is the most capable young talent I have ever worked with and I recommend her highly for...whatever."

Judy ends her family documentary with footage of them dropping Gwynne Gauntlet off at the airport. Her final narration says, "and so the Funnie family bids a fond farewell to Gwynne Gauntlet, having come to realize that some people might be cooler than you think, despite appearances to the contrary."

Her teacher calls it interesting and self-absorbed work.

Most importantly though, Judy finally gives Doug and Skeeter the tape of the Lucky Duck Monster. She warns them that it's not what they think.

So they definitely got something on camera, and it's feet. Sincerity and her caber tossing, luge goober Cassius are synchronized swimmers and for some stupid reason they practice in Lucky Duck Lake.

If Doug and Skeeter hadn't run off so quickly to check the tape, they would have certainly seen Sincerity and Cassius resurface and do some more swimming moves. Maybe we would have gotten a really good scene of Doug and Skeeter trying to coax them out of the water, fearing the monster might eat them. Doug and Skeeter could have spent the rest of the episode looking for the monster instead of looking for a tape that didn't have the monster on it. Oh well.

Episode 30: Doug: Quailman VI: The Dark Quail Saga

2016-06-16T19:41:00.000-07:00

"Dear Journal,
It's hard to believe the longest night of my life was caused by a movie I didn't even see."

Porkchop is running around the room playing virtual tennis while Doug whines to his journal. Doug's troubles this time start with a preview for a movie. The movie stars the actor famous for his role as Smash Adams. Now he's playing Detective Brock Slag. Sitting in a car, Detective Brock Slag tells someone over the radio, "I'm on my way." He pushes a button on the dashboard, and the car splits open to make room for his motorcycle to escape.

Why? His car wasn't broken. I guess he needed the speed and maneuverability, but everyone else on the road needs the road to not be blocked by the rest of the abandoned automobile. Brock Slag just doesn't give a shit about other drivers, does he?

Chap Lipman is also in this movie. I guess you can assume this was part of the reason The Beets broke up. He's making his acting debut as Dalton Felpy.

In this clip, he says, "this bank was robbed by beings from another galaxy."

Brock Slag and Dalton Felpy confront the beings. Brock puts on a helmet, turns on his jetpack, and dares the owner of the Rocketeer copyright to sue him.

Dalton Felpy jumps into some sort of flying machine and takes off. He's chased by a few of the aliens. They fly past a volcano as it erupts while a voice-over says, "in a film that's mostly special effects!"

Two tornadoes collide and throw out the exciting title for the film.

The voice-over repeats that the film is mostly special effects. How is that their selling point? Who could possibly be interested in that?

Patti too?

After the preview, a new reporter says the premier of Slag and Felpy is Friday in Bloatsburg. Doug and Skeeter are impressed by the sound of the premier, what with its popcorn and important people. Doug wishes he was important enough to go. Patti says she'll bring them back a program.

"Guy got tickets because he's the school paper editor and he asked me to go." Skeeter reacts with excitement, and we only hear the first bit of that excitement because Doug's inner monologue drowns out all other noise.

On the surface, he's not even pretending to be happy for Patti. You can see the disappointment on his face. Inside, this is how he feels.

At school the next day, the news about Guy and Patti going to the premier spreads fast.

I guess after she'd exhausted the conversation with everyone else, Connie tells Doug, "I wish I were Guy's girlfriend so I could do cool stuff like Patti."

Doug snaps back, saying, "just because she goes to one star-studded exclusive premier with him doesn't make her his girlfriend." In his mind, he adds, "on the other hand, of course it did.

Doug has a quick fantasy where he marches up to Guy, pounds a fist on his desk, and says, "Guy! You're not going to that premier with Patti!"

Doug tries to re-enact this fantasy but Guy asks him if rugby is spelled with two E's or with ie before he has a chance to say anything.

Doug says, "y."

Guy says, "why!? Why? I'll tell you why! Because the paper has to go to press! Oh. Y. Right, good."

Having solved Guy's great rugby problem, Doug finally gets to the point. He tries to guilt Guy into skipping the premier to work on the paper. How's he going to win journalism awards if he wastes precious time at a dumb premier?

Guy, being a total idiot that can't spell rugby, buys it. He half-asses some important sounding speech about his responsibility, then calls for Patti.

Doug offers to take the premier tickets off Guy's hands, but Sally offers to finish the paper for him.

It would be funny if she had a crush on Guy, but really I think she just wants his job. He's an obnoxious blowhard that apparently struggles with the spelling of simple words. He should be in politics, not journalism. Anyway, that's Doug's plan shattered.

After school, Skeeter is doting on this camera Mr. Dink loaned him. Apparently, it's so advanced, nobody even makes film for it yet. There is to be no more mention of this camera. I don't know why it is mentioned.

Ignoring Skeeter, Doug says, "he's an older guy, the editor of the paper, gets tickets to fancy shmancy stuff...hey, I'd be his girlfriend."

Skeeter looks at him, shocked.

"You know what I mean."

Skeeter suggests Doug just tell Patti it bothers him. Doug has three fantasies about this.

"Doug, if it bothers you, I won't go." They leave together.

I love that Doug's fantasies are directed by Alan Smithee. It's like he knows they are crazy nonsense and doesn't want to claim ownership of them. Anyway...

"It's just that...if you go with guy...you'll think he's better than me, and I'll be upset."
"What a loser."

And finally...

"Patti, you can't go with Guy, and that's final."

How do I quote an entire crowd laughing at Doug? Doug melts down into a blob and lurches away.

Doug tells Skeeter his suggestion isn't a good idea, then tries to drown his sorrows in chocolate swirly spritzers.

Doug overhears Roger talking about how he deals with shit. He says there's a time for talk and a time for action.

"Anybody crosses me, I don't talk. I sock 'em!" This gives Doug the idea that he should just sock Guy. Unfortunately...

...he just doesn't understand...

...what it means to sock someone.

Obviously, this was just another fantasy.

At home, Doug determines that Roger is correct. This is no time for talk. He needs to take action. He claims to have always been a man of action, but Porkchop does not back him up on this point. He says he'll be a man of action starting tomorrow as he returns to his drawing. Color magically appears on his line drawing.

And now we finally get to the Quailman aspect of this episode. There's a giant samurai robot marching through the city. Quailman says, "if he causes no trouble, he's welcome here like everyone else." Unfortunately, the giant samurai King Kong's Patti, so Quailman must rescue her.

Quailman demands Patti's release. The giant samurai grabs part of a building, uses it like a cup to capture Quailman and Quaildog, shakes them, and rolls them like dice.

He does not shout "Yahtzee" because, presumably, Milton Bradley did not pay up.

Before Quailman can get up and return to the fight, the giant samurai stomps on him. Quaildog is horrified.

I don't know if this is supposed to be a Marv Newland or Terry Gilliam reference. I would be surprised if it was neither. Either way, I'm happy.

So who is going to save Patti now that Quailman has been stomped to death? If Quailman couldn't stop the giant samurai, surely Quaildog would be just as ineffective. Don't worry, there's a new hero in town!

He's got a pretty awkward cape. It just looks more like a fish-shaped tumor than a cape. Anyway, he kicks the giant samurai in the ass to reveal its driver.

Dr Rubbersuit squeals when he is discovered in the ass.

Dr. Rubbersuit runs away and leaves the new hero to free Patti from the now immobile samurai. Patti asks his name and he announces, "I am the Golden Salmon. I swim against the current of injustice."

Patti tells him that Quailman is under the big foot.

After freeing Quailman, the Golden Salmon flies away. Patti asks Quailman if he's okay and he tries to play it off like he is. He says he was going to escape in a few more seconds anyway. He was waiting for the right "quail-moment." Patti doesn't hear him though. She is infatuated with the Golden Salmon.

Across town, in the headquarters of Megalo-Media, the Golden Salmon sneaks back into his secret identity, Rupert Shmupert.

The distinguishing feature that he must hide is his smile. He stops smiling and he becomes unrecognizable. Take that, Superman, with your stupid Clark Kent glasses. Patti enters and tells him she was rescued by the Golden Salmon. He says, "people tell me I look like the Golden Salmon."

"You? Don't be silly. There's no resemblance."

She goes on to say the Golden Salmon is as brave and heroic as Rupert Shmupert's reporting indicates. She reads a few headlines from framed copies of Daily Tripe on the wall. My favorite is this one.

Rupert Shmupert has a terrible strategy for keeping his identity secret, but it works. Of course, this is all written by Doug, and maybe he is just a terrible comic book writer.

Mr. Shmupert asks Patti if Quailman was at her rescue. She says yes and confirms the headlines about him being a total loser.

"Why that's not true! They're not underpants. They're my power briefs. They were in the shop, recharging."

Quaildog is equally upset about a headline that accuses him of leaving a mess. Quailman knows that Quaildog would never leave a mess and determines that someone is trying to make them look bad. Quailman decides to call on the Silver Skeeter for help.

Approaching Silver Skeeter's Sofa of Solitude, Quailman mentions Silver Skeeter's new coffee table. Upon arrival, he sees that Silver Skeeter has actually been Han Solo'd.

Quailman asks him who did this to him. There's this whole long gag where Silver Skeeter struggles to say that he doesn't have the energy to say who it was that did this to him but like, he has the strength to say that he doesn't have the strength to say who it was so what if he'd just said who did it to begin with instead of all this unnecessary stalling?

He does say, "beware the smiling salmon," and Quailman tries to confirm that he means the Golden Salmon. Instead he just says he doesn't have the strength to say the name.

Back on Earth, Rupert Shmupert invites Patti to a movie premier. She apologizes but says she loves the Golden Salmon. Shmupert grabs her by the shoulders and smiles.

She realizes, of course, that Shmupert is the Golden Salmon. Before they can make arrangements for their date, Quailman flies in through an open window. He declares, "I'll save you!" He pulls her away from Rupert Shmupert and she tells him to stop rescuing her. Rupert Shmupert takes this opportunity to take a picture for tomorrow's edition.

It's actually a fair headline. Quailman just burst into the room and declared that he was going to save her. He didn't know that Rupert Shmupert was the Golden Salmon. He wasn't in the room for that reveal. He just trespassed on the newspaper offices and declared that he would save a woman that wasn't obviously in danger. Anyway, the general public turns on Quailman.

Little Bowl Cut here says he hates Quailman and his mom says, "that's my good boy."

Inside the sombrero themed restaurant, Quailman is starting his fifth sundae when Dr. Rubbersuit chimes in.

He suggests they join forces to get rid of the Golden Salmon. Quailman agrees and they go to Dr. Rubbersuit's secret lair. Dr. Rubbersuit points out all his cool machines. Quailman asks what they do. Dr. Rubbersuit says, "I don't know. It's just cool."

Quailman suggests they begin working on their plan. Dr. Rubbersuit says he already has a plan. He pushes a button and traps Quailman in a small dome.

The machine splits Quailman into two.

The other one has a light beard and is evil. The Q on his sweater vest is a D, but like a D that has the little line that would make an O a Q. He is the Dark Quail. Before Quailman knows all this, he is pleased with the fact that there are now two of him because that means he can do twice as much good. The Dark Quail's first action is melting a copy of The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.

Quailman demands that he stop but makes no effort to actually stop him. After destroying Huck Finn, the Dark Quail raids Dr. Rubbersuit's refrigerator, throwing many things out before lounging on the couch and drinking milk straight from the carton. Pure evil.

Dr. Rubbersuit explains that everyone is both good and evil. He ripped out Quailman's evil to create the Dark Quail.

I like that the liver is apparently the only part of the body exempt from this dichotomy.

The Dark Quail offers Dr. Rubbersuit a cookie before revealing that he's already eaten all of them. Then he picks up a car and hits Dr. Rubbersuit with it. He flies away, punching a huge hole in the roof and promising to filet the Golden Salmon.

Quailman says, "I hope this makes you realize that evil is bad."
"Meh, whatever."

Quailman flies after the Dark Quail, punching another hole in the roof right next to the first one.

In the offices of the Daily Tripe, the Dark Quail demands that the Golden Salmon come out and face his wrath. He uses his dark quail eye to destroy the framed newspapers on the wall. Quailman catches up with him and tells him to stop. He says the road to violence is not the path of the quail. They're about to fight each other when someone enters the room, so they hide behind some curtains.

A large green slug monster says, "my newspapers and television stations are taking over the minds of unsuspecting terrans! Especially my Children's Educational Network.

"And soon, Patti Mayonnaise..."

"...will be my brain slave."

The Dark Quail wants to smash this slug monster/Rupert Shmupert/Golden Salmon, but Quailman pulls him back and they fall out an open window. Before they hit the ground, they fly away. Quailman chastises Dark Quail but Dark Quail insists on clobbering the villain and eating all his snacks. Quailman stops him from flying away and they have a short air fight.

It's a comic book fight, so there these wonderful things that pop up.

Quaildog finally shows up and makes you wonder where the fuck he's been this whole time. A weird voice-over translates Quaildog's speech for us, so we know he says, "you must pull yourself together, Quailman."

Quaildog pulls this big mystery machine out of nowhere and aims it at the fight between Quailman and Dark Quail.

When he activates it, this orange beam hits the fight and Dark Quail starts shouting for his life and line of toys.

Quailman apologizes but needs to pull himself back together, so he grabs Dark Quail and starts rotating. Together they expand and explode and twist back into one being.

Meanwhile, Patti is getting ready for her date with Rupert. Her doorbell rings, and she opens the door to find Quailman and Quaildog and a whole bunch of annoying disappointment. Quailman says, "I" and she slams the door in his face.

She returns to the mirror to finish applying makeup, so Quailman harasses her from the open window nearby.

Quailman tells her that Rupert Shmupert is actually a space slug that will turn her into a brain slave. Patti finds the idea unbelievable because how could he be a space slug, Rupert Shmupert, and the Golden Salmon. She says, "no villain in the history of comics has three identities." Quailman has a book about comic villains and offers to read through it with her to see if that's true. She shuts the window on him right before Rupert Shmupert rings her doorbell.

The weird voice-over translating Quaildog's speech or thoughts or whatever says, "you must use the trust of the quail. When you trust her to see the truth, she may trust you." Quailman finds another open window and asks Patti for one minute before she answers the door. After the minute, she can do what she wants. She agrees.

Quailman shares his quail powers with her. Putting the belt on her head, he tells her she must only use the powers for good.

The belt shows her a vision of the space slug putting on the Rupert Shmupert mask.

She opens the door and yells, "now I know the truth about you!"

She uses her new quail powers to zap Rupert Shmupert.

She doesn't kill him. She just destroys his human disguise.

He starts sliding away.

Quailman jumps between him and his limousine. Patti says the whole three identities thing is a turn off.

And finally, this long Quailman story is finished.

Doug says, "the next morning at school, I decided to be my normal, calm self again.

He waves politely at Guy as he walks past. He approaches Patti and asks, "how was the Guy...show!?"

She says it was okay. Apparently the movie sucked and everyone said it was good anyway. She expresses bemusement at the fact that Guy thought the whole thing was a date. She says she only went because he had an extra ticket and she thought it would be fun. Doug mutters to himself, "good thing I didn't sock him."

Doug asks her if it was a date and she says, "no. A date would be...like if somebody I really liked came up to me in the hall, like this, and he was standing there, like you..."

"...and we knew we liked each other and he asked me if I wanted to go skating on Sunday, then I'd say yes."

"That's what I'd consider a date."
"Oh...well...that's good to know."
"Well...see ya, Doug."

Finishing up his journal entry, Doug asks Porkchop if she was giving him a hint.

Porkchop sort of shakes his head. Doug says, "but what if I was wrong? I'd have to trust her not to laugh at me. I wonder what Quailman would do."

Based on the presumed action of the fictional character he created, Doug decides to take action. He rides his bike over to Patti's house. Strangely, he doesn't knock on the door or ring the doorbell. He stops on the sidewalk and shouts, "hey, Patti!" Apparently this is sufficient and normal and not at all rude, because she opens her window. He immediately gets to the point, finally. I mean "immediately" in the sense that he didn't try to make small talk or stammer nervously around the point. He's been in love with her since the first episode and here we are now 82 episodes later and he's finally asking her out. His actions can barely be called immediate. Anyway, he asks, "wanna go skating on Sunday?"

"No, I can't. I already made other plans, Doug."

"Oh, Okay. See ya. Bye."

Doug starts moaning and whining to himself over this rejection, but Patti reaches out and grabs his shoulder. She asks him if he wants to go to Swirly's.

They walk off together and one last weird thing happens, as a sort of Quailman ghost rises out of Doug and flies away.

So, I guess they're dating?

Patti doesn't come off so well here. We don't know the specifics of how Guy asked her to the premier, but given the pretty basic standards she laid out to Doug after the premier, she should have thought it was a date too. She could have shut that idea down right away. Maybe she tried. Guy has a way of steamrollering others in conversation. He sucks and will probably spend a great portion of his later life using this experience as a universal truth about all women in angry rants on his blog. If it wasn't Patti, it would have been someone else he expected more from than he should have.

Episode 29: Doug's Chubby Buddy

2016-06-09T12:24:00.001-07:00

Doug says Skeeter turned to the one source for accurate monster news, in his ongoing search for the Lucky Duck Monster.

Doug and Porkchop are just playing cards while Skeeter laments the lack of monster news in the latest Weekly Weird World.

Al and Moo are teaching their dog the periodic table, but pause long enough to tell Skeeter the Weekly Weird World is crap.

Skeeter says he was going to read about Brian Langolier, and Al and Moo quickly change their tune. One of them calls Briar the "true model of female beauty." They try to take the paper from Skeeter and drop their element flash cards.

Patti catches the plutonium card and asks if she can hang out with them. She says Beebe won't do anything while Teen Heart Street is on. "It's like she thinks everything stops at four o'clock!"

Al and Moo express shock that it is four o'clock and chuckle as if embarrassed when Patti says, "don't tell me you guys watch that junk." They run inside the house with Skeeter after saying they do.

Doug tries to play like he's on Patti's side. He calls the stories totally bizarre. "Like, I hear there's this school election coming up, right? And Franklin Most, he's like this campaign manager. He threatened to keep eating lima beans until Briar gets elected, and uh...maybe we could stand over near the window?"

"Doug, do you wanna watch the show?"
*embarrassed chuckle*
"Oh, go ahead. I don't mind."

Now we get to see some of this awful show, Teen Heart Street. A man is asking Briar, "is it true that if elected you'd put the 'body' back into 'student body president?"

She's posing awkwardly and says she just wants to make people happy. This is part of a terrible tv show Doug, Skeeter, Al and Moo are watching.

Al and Moo are totally sold on her promise to make people happy. The man turns to another girl, a girl who doesn't look like a model, and asks, "so what makes you think you can possibly win?" Al and Moo boo the screen.

She says, "well, I have all four years experience in the student council. And I'm a member of the national junior merit scholarship fund for the gifted."

The reporter asshole says, "sure, sure, and I can see you're handy with a knife and fork too." The girl has no chance to respond before some other asshole interrupts the whole thing to excitedly announce that the votes are in and the first girl won.

Patti, Connie, and Beebe are also watching this awful show. Beebe declares it to be the best episode yet.

At this point, I wish Patti or Connie or both or all three of them started laughing about the episode, as if it was somehow supposed to be making fun of sexist bullshit instead of just being sexist bullshit. Instead a voice on the tv says, "stay tuned for a commercial that looks like a documentary."

The commercial defines fat as cushion from injury, or insulation to keep you warm, but then says, "for most of us, it's just ugly, old fat." Fat blobs glide on screen. Patti, Connie and Beebe all gasp. Another blob of fat drops down and stands up to introduce himself as Lardy. He's a fat cell that's been inside you for years.

Lardy says there are two periods of your life where you grow a lot of fat cells. The first is in infancy, and the second is at puberty. This freaks the girls out because they're at one of those ages.

The model actor from the show is in this commercial and says, "it's a sad fact of life that none of you will ever have a 9 inch waist, but now you can try, using my waist away diet kit!"

The voice-over man says, "remember: your friends will never tell you when you're fat." This is evil shit. Patti steps in front of the screen because finally someone has to criticize this nonsense.

She says they're just trying to make you think you're fat because they're selling that dumb product. Beebe disagrees. She warns Patti that if she's not careful, she'll look in the mirror and see Fatty instead of Patti. This sort of already contradicts the last thing the commercial said. Patti isn't even fat and her friend is already telling her to worry about it. Anyway, fuck that commercial for all the ways it is wrong.

At lunch the next day, Doug, Skeeter, Connie and Roger are discussing the episode of that awful tv show. Roger says his favorite part was when Briar dumped the school constitution, and declared herself head cheerleader and beneficent dictator. He says, "now that's a woman!"

Skeeter has a bullshit newspaper called "Weekly Weird World" and they've got an article about how bigfoot sends Briar fan mail every week. Doug says something about how it makes sense that a monster would fall for a girl like Briar, if indeed the monster was going to fall for a girl at all. This gives Skeeter an idea for finally catching the Lucky Duck Monster. He wants to get a female monster to draw him out. Doug is immediately enthusiastic about this idea, and quickly asks where they are going to get a female monster. Neither of them considers the idea that the Lucky Duck Monster might be female. What if it's an asexual monster? Let's say that there really is a Lucky Duck Monster, and it is definitely male, and Doug and Skeeter somehow get a female monster to draw it out of the lake...then what? Are they going to try to interfere with the horrifying monster sex? Seems like a bad plan.

Meanwhile, Patti is picking out her lunch when Guy makes her feel bad about her choice. She grabs a salad and he calls it rabbit food. "Puttin' on a few LBs, huh?"

He immediately assumes she's on a diet and again proves that awful fucking commercial wrong by ignoring everything she says so he can say, "I'm with you all the way, Patti. Trim down, firm up, BREAK IT!" Then he admires himself in the reflection on the sneeze guard. Patti has the opposite experience.

Meanwhile, Doug and Skeeter are planning for their female monster. Initially, they have a nonsense sort of Weird Science plan to use the Lucky Duck Monster's DNA, but Doug suggests they might be meddling in things they shouldn't. So they settle on making a female monster out of junk.

Patti walks by and Doug says hello. She asks him if he thinks she needs to lose some weight.

Sarcastically, he says, "oh yeah. You're huge." He chuckles and Skeeter chuckles and Patti misses the sarcasm entirely because sometimes the human brain is just a fucking dick and it always does this type of shit to us. Doug, with as much experience as he has with his own brain taking innocent comments and turning them into obsessions, should really know better.

Now Patti is trying out for the school's track team. Coach Spitz says he wants a team that is lean and mean.

Patti dwells on the lean and mean remark until she hears an echo of what Beebe said earlier about seeing Fatty in the mirror. She misses the beginning of the race and starts off way behind.

Then she transforms into a much heavier version of herself.

In the audience, Doug says something to Connie about Patti getting chunky. Connie says something to Roger about how huge she is and shouts, "YOU CAN DO IT, FATTY! I MEAN PATTI!" Doug tells Skeeter that, as her friends, they can never tell her she's a huge blubbery sack of fat. Briar asks Doug if he's seen anything so fat in his life. He says it's both sad and horrifying.

Briar shouts, "YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU'LL NEVER LOOK LIKE ME!"

So Patti just ran through her own fantasy. After it is over, she finishes the real race and the coach tells her she just barely qualified for the next round.

She approaches Connie and Beebe and says she's going on a diet. Connie wants to lose weight too, so she's also going on a diet. Also, Beebe too.

"I'm not gonna let this fat lick me. As ya'll are my witness, I'll never be heavy again!"

Apparently, they're getting together for lunch now to show off their fat free lunches. Patti bought the Waist Away diet kit.

Beebe is surprised she bought the kit. Patti says the actor is lame, but she is in good shape. Using the scale, she says, "this sandwich is a tad weighty, and she tosses half of the ingredients.

Mr. Bluff bought Beebe a calorie analyzing computer.

She puts her lunch in the machine, it vibrates and beeps while a robotic voice tells her that her lunch accounts for 10% of her daily calorie allotment. It finishes by complimenting her.

In the library, Doug and Skeeter are having trouble finding examples of female monsters.

Doug suggests they take any monster and just make it look female. He imagines this.

Skeeter imagines this.

And I wonder why they are doing this research at all. They've already agreed to just build a female monster out of junk. I don't know if you've ever made something out of junk before, but generally, what you can make out of junk depends largely on the type of junk available to you

Meanwhile, Patti is tracking her running with her watch. She's happy to have run for 30 minutes because it means she burned 250 calories.

Beebe is still trusting the bizarre machine, which claims her hair is gorgeous.

Patti is using this Waist Away calorie tracker that is unnecessarily large. The company selling Waist Away probably made it this large so they could charge more for it.

Patti continues exercising more and eating less. At lunch, she's carrying a tray with an egg and a carrot right past Guy.

He gives her a thumbs up, completely oblivious to his part in her increasingly dangerous behavior. Now she's convinced the diet is the best thing she's ever done.

She has a fantasy where she's at a huge track event sponsored by Waist Away. She is easily winning the 400 calorie dash.

I will remind you that this is her fantasy about how Waist Away is the best thing she's ever done. I feel that is important to remember, because Lardy lets two huge blobs of fat out of a cage and they start chasing the runners.

The fat blobs catch two people stretching on the sidelines and make them fat. Patti wins the race. Briar presents her with a gold plated sandwich, "a happy reminder of when you used to eat."

You'd think this sort of nightmare would help Patti realize the bullshit trap she's fallen into, but that's just not how bullshit psychological traps work.

Doug, Skeeter and Porkchop are working on the monster when Patti jogs by.

She jogs in place to chat with them and they ask her what she thinks of their monster.

"Wow, that's one scary pile of junk!"
"It's our monster."
"Oh, well, I gotta go! Today's our weigh-in. I think I lost three pounds."

At this point, Doug says, "that's great," but he's completely disinterested. She started talking about her stuff and he just tuned her out.

As she's running away, Doug says, "she is way too wide, man." He's talking about the monster, but Patti hears the comment and thinks it is about her.

At the weigh-in, Connie goes first. According to the scale, she lost one pound. Unfortunately, the scale is a piece of shit and shows her weight fluctuating between losing and gaining one pound. Beebe shoves her off the scale, saying one pound hardly seems worth the effort.

Beebe steps onto the scale and is shocked by her seven pound difference. Connie and Patti are impressed until Beebe says she didn't lose seven pounds; she gained seven pounds.

Turns out she wasn't using the analyzer correctly. The settings identify her as a 6'2" male with a target weight of 250lbs. Beebe rings a bell to call her butler and demands that he make the analyzer work.

Patti finally steps on the scales and finds that she met her goal to lose three pounds. Satisfied she's meeting her goal, she gets back to running.

She wakes up early the next day to go for a run while the sun comes up.

After school, Patti is part of a Big Buddy program and they're playing beetball.

Before they get started, Patti chastises Chalky for forgetting his buddy badge. He apologizes, but she still says, "it's a little thing, but our buddies appreciate it."

Chalky asks, "where's your buddy?"

She looks around, sputtering out noises and he asks, "you forgot your buddy!?"

She makes excuses for her newfound shitty behavior and Connie points out that this isn't like her. She snaps back, "oh come on, Connie. Don't tell me you're jealous 'cuz I lost more weight than you!"

Without her little buddy, I guess Patti just fucks off to get back to running because in the next scene she's checking up on Doug and Skeeter. They've finished their monster and Doug wants her to tell him, if she was a male monster, wouldn't she want to date this?

She's running in place and can't really think of an answer past "um." Doug suggests she's overdoing the running thing and she says she still has 300 calories to burn. As she's running away, he tries to tell her that she looks kind of tired.

Skeeter can't let Doug get sidetracked into worrying about Patti though. She's only the girl he's been in love with since the day he first saw her. They have more important shit to do. Their monster is complete and it's time to take it down to the lake. Unfortunately, they didn't really secure it in any real way, so when they pick it up it falls apart immediately.

Roger rides his bike up to them and asks if they're entering a stupid pile of junk contest.

Doug explains their plan and Roger criticizes their creation because it looks like they made it out of stuff from the garage. They say they made it out of stuff from the garage. This whole stupid interaction gives Roger another shitty idea.

Roger's ideas for making money don't make sense. His idea this time is that he'll spend the money to make a better monster for them, and then what? Apparently he'll dress the monster in a light blue suit for their front page photo. The newspaper will spell his name wrong. Quite a visionary, that Roger.

At lunch the next day, Doug asks to sit with Patti. She's making notes about her exercise and takes a short spray from a can labeled "Spraywich."

That was apparently her entire lunch and it was 5 calories. She says she's stuffed. I wish this episode was funny. It tries to be. They try to lighten things up with the female monster, but every scene with Patti makes every other scene irritating. One of their friends clearly needs help and Skeeter just can't lose focus on something that is obviously bullshit. Fucking grow up, Skeeter. You're supposed to be a genius. After you give up on the Lucky Duck Monster, are you going to try to catch Santa Claus? What other fictional being would you like to see Skeeter waste time trying to capture while his friends deal with real problems? Doug's finally come around but, like most of us, he's ill equipped to help her. He asks her if eating a spray for lunch is such a good idea. She takes this the wrong way entirely, and thanks him for the suggestion to skip lunch entirely. Fuck.

Back in the Fuck Skeeter plotline, Skeeter gives a construction worker the design for the monster.

Doug asks him if he can skip monster work today. Doug wants to go to the track to find Patti. Skeeter is okay with that, but still unconcerned for Patti. It's all female monster for Fucking Skeeter.

Roger is disappointed with the design for the monster. He imagines a few designs, the first of which is actually a classic female monster that Doug and Skeeter overlooked because they are apparently dumber than Roger.

None of these are right though. Roger sees a copy of the Weekly Weird World and gets an idea.

It is literally the same idea Doug and Skeeter had. He wants to make an attractive female monster. How was this lost when he hired himself for their project?

At the track, Doug tries to relay his concerns for Patti's diet to the coach.

The lazy, overweight man cuts him off, saying all athletes diet. Doug just doesn't understand because he's not an athlete. Doug suggests that she is getting carried away. Coach says they'd win more trophies if more athletes got carried away. He's so struck with what he just said, he decides "get carried away" should be their new team motto.

Patti immediately confronts Doug for the way he just went behind her back to the coach. He tries to defend his actions, but she shouts over him.

Also, she's having difficulty focusing.

She says Doug made her so mad she got dizzy.

Back in the Fuck This Storyline, Roger has Willie taking promotional photos before they take the monster out to the lake for the unveiling. It doesn't make any sense and I hate this and I want it to stop.

Skeeter takes offense to the sign advertising it as "Monsters by Roger." Who cares though? Fuck you, Skeeter.

Back at the track, Coach Spitz says the team will be the top five students from each grade. He's already made a shirt with the new motto.

There's a table with bottles of water set up for the athletes. Beebe is there, I guess replacing the water. Patti almost picks one up, but then says, "no, thanks. I'd only retain it." Beebe admires her discipline. Fuck Beebe. Patti walks into Doug. She apologizes and tells him she has to warm up. She can't focus.

Coach Spitz announces Patti as the next contestant for the long jump. She readies herself and looks at her goal, which turns into a swirling mess that disappears underground.

She shakes her head and does her long jump. She lands on her feet and immediately collapses backwards.

Again, in the WHO FUCKING CARES STOP GOING BACK TO THIS PLOT IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER part of this episode, Roger is trying to assert his claim to the monster. He accidentally releases the trailer carrying the monster and it starts rolling down the hill.

Patti reenters consciousness to find Coach Spitz is more inept than you thought. He tells her she's in the next race. She says she doesn't feel so good. He tells her to get carried away. Fuck Coach Spitz. He should be fucking fired.

Ms. Kristal angrily says, "CARRY YOURSELF AWAY, COACH!" She adds, "this girl isn't running anymore today."

Ms. Kristal asks Patti if she's eaten anything at all today. Patti says she hasn't because she thought she'd be able to run faster that way. Ms. Kristal explains that your body needs protein, so when you don't eat, your body starts eating itself and you lose strength rather than gaining it. Doug says that's scary. Coach Spitz says he feels terrible. Avoiding the subject altogether, Patti asks Doug, "aren't you supposed to go to the park with Skeeter?" Doug says it's okay and he won't miss anything if he's a little late.

Actually, what he's missing is a runaway monster.

Mr. Dink sees it and says, "I'm strangely repulsed, and yet I'm attracted."

Some foreign scientists somewhere say,...

Doug apologizes for all the times he ignored Patti when she wanted to talk. He was too focused on making the monster with Skeeter. She says it's okay because she knows what it's like to get carried away. He asks if she wants to help them take the monster to the lake.

She says, "sure, Doug. I've never seen a real, live, fake..."
"MONSTER!"

The monster rolls past the track field. Skeeter and Roger run up and ask which way it went.

The monster rolls onto a major highway, has its head removed by a sign, rolls into the median and falls off the trailer. It lands in the road and smashes to pieces. A crowd of photographers run up and take pictures.

Doug, Skeeter, Patti and Roger step in front of the photographers. Skeeter says they'll never catch the Lucky Duck Monster now. Roger laments the loss of his monster franchise career. Why can't they just build another one? Fuck you, the episode is almost over. That's why.

At Mr. Swirly, Doug suggests they split a small pizza.

Patti declines the offer, saying she's going to order one for herself.

Wrapping up his journal entry, Doug says Skeeter may not have caught the monster, but he won the scary junk contest.

Apparently Roger wasn't making a stupid joke earlier. Bluffington has a Stupid Scary Pile of Junk Contest and Skeeter won. Roger and Skeeter start arguing over the trophy.

Patti has a final voice-over for this episode, offering real help.

In Doug's "well, Journal" wrap-up, he says, "I guess sometimes you can't believe everything you see, even when it's yourself." This is woefully inadequate given the whole experience. He should be pissed at the media for their sexist attitude. He should curse the name of the show that belittles women that do not fit a narrow definition of physical beauty, especially when they follow that show with a commercial where they say you will probably never fit that narrow definition, but you should damn well try anyway because your friends are all talking about you behind your back. Surely they put all of that shit in this episode to criticize media for doing this all the time, but then Doug doesn't really explicitly learn from it. "You can't believe everything you see, even when it's yourself" is something Doug has so far failed to learn in every episode of this show. There's no reason to believe the lesson stuck this time either.

Episode 28: Doug’s Friend’s Friend

2016-06-01T16:42:00.000-07:00

Everyone is excited about the new ride at Funky Town.

Al and Moo explain to Doug and Skeeter that the ride starts with a 5.9 earthquake, followed by a magnitude 6 volcano, and the twister is a 7. Skeeter is totally shocked. Doug asks, "what's that?"

Skeeter asks, "you don't know what a 7 is?"
"No, that music!"

This weird kid is practicing his tuba in line.

Skeeter sees Patti and Beebe walking away from the new ride and tells Beebe they're going the wrong way. Beebe says she's not going on the Natural Disaster Blaster because it's scary what a velocity 7 twister could do to her hair.

You can see how much Skeeter cares.

Doug suggests, "you guys could go with us. I mean...it might be less scary that way."

Skeeter does not approve of this idea.

Patti and Beebe agree to go with them. Doug and Patti get in a cart together while Beebe berates Skeeter. Skeeter just tries to tune out all the ways Beebe is covering Doug's rudeness with her own brand of shittiness.

As the ride starts, Skeeter glares at Doug and says, "you owe me big time, man." Fortunately, he says this so quiet no one else hears it or this episode might not be as interesting.

At school the next day, Mr. Bone calls for an assembly to talk about the weather.

The weatherman on the local news is warning about how the unusually high temperatures have melted snow packs in the mountains causing the Rollinona River to rise. Authorities are warning that the area could receive record flooding. Mr. Bone tries to reinforce the idea that this is a serious threat. He's seen floods before and "it means water everywhere!" Roger tries to imagine what that would be like.

Inside his brain, he has a uh...brain fart.

This causes him to twitch in his seat and shout, "stupid brain!"

Mr. Bone leads the students outside so they can practice treading water.

While treading air, Doug asks Skeeter, "have you been avoiding me because I stuck you with Beebe?"

Skeeter says he hasn't and he loves doing stuff with Doug. Doug asks if he wants to go to the arcade after school, and Skeeter says he doesn't. He offers no explanation. He just walks away. Or treads away. Meanwhile, Mr. Bone starts yelling at Skunky for this.

Mr. Bone is a jackass. How is this an unacceptable preparation for a flood? Anyway, Mr. Bone drags Skunky to detention.

Doug tries to make up for his rudeness during the rest of the week by suggesting fun activities to Skeeter. First, he has this telescope and wants to use it to find the Lucky Duck Monster.

Skeeter says he has to go buy shoes.

Doug suggests they watch this Smash Adams movie.

Skeeter says he has to go get some shoes.

Doug again suggest they find the Lucky Duck Monster.

Skeeter again says he has to get shoes.

Doug has a fantasy about how Skeeter has gone overboard with the shoe thing. Skeeter is in his room talking to his shoes like they are pets, and giving them stupid names.

That afternoon, Doug and Patti are helping prepare for the flood.

Doug asks her, "and if he's still mad I stuck him with Beebe, why doesn't he just come out and yell at me or something?"

Patti suggests that maybe he's not mad. Maybe he's just busy. She says things like this are like a hurricane and you have to wait for it to blow over. Doug understands this. He says it makes sense. Then he says he'll force it anyway.

The next day, he has yet another activity he wants to do with Skeeter. He wants to go see Tidal Wave Madness.

Skeeter says he's busy, and also Tidal Wave Madness is plebeian. Doug takes great offense at this. How could the great Tidal Wave Madness be plebeian? Skeeter doesn't know what he's talking about. Or rather, Doug doesn't know what plebeian means. In the library, he looks up the word.

"Unrefined or vulgar. See: Tidal Wave Madness."

Doug accepts that Skeeter was right, then overhears Skeeter whispering about the movie.

Doug finds Skeeter raving about Tidal Wave Madness to Skunky. Doug confronts him about this because this is a reasonable thing for Doug to be upset about, I guess. This is something Skeeter could have admitted earlier, instead of just insulting Doug's taste in movies. Skeeter could have said he already saw the movie and it was great, but he just made Doug feel stupid instead. And now, when confronted, he stammers about needing shoes and runs away.

Back in the auditorium, Roger is still trying to imagine water everywhere.

This time his brain doesn't fart. He imagines water rushing over everything, pushing cars around like they're nothing.

Ned interrupts this fantasy to tell Roger he can leave now. "The assembly has been over for like...3 days."

Rickets.

Roger has an idea and it doesn't make sense. Since the flood is going to be the biggest thing to hit this town, Roger plans to own it. His goons don't know what this means. How could they?

That afternoon, Doug visits places he says he used to frequent with Skeeter. First there was Mt. Saint Buster.

Apparently, they liked to climb this mountain. Doug hallucinates their ghostly forms climbing.

There's a hot dog stand where they apparently ate 100 hot dogs each.

There's so much about this image that I love I don't know where to begin. First, I guess, I fucking need that fountain in the back. Second, the hot dog vendor is just staring blankly, probably regretting the choices he made that led to this moment.
"What do you want to be when you grow up, Chuck?"
"I want to sell hot dogs at the park. It'll be so great! I get to stand all day, outside in the sun and the bugs, serving hot dogs to the imaginary ghosts of passersby. I might never be rich, but I'll get to work near the fountain of the child riding the fish. Not many people will be able to say that! I pity them."

Anyway, next Doug visits a store called the Knitting Kneedle. He says they used to buy brightly colored yarn here.

"And then I remembered...we never did any of that stuff!"

Doug just took us on a trip down a memory lane that never fucking happened.

Doug hears Skeeter laughing and sees him exit a flower shop. To someone inside, Skeeter says they need to get going if they want to get some brightly colored yarns. Doug is glad to finally get to see who has been taking up all of Skeeter's time.

As Doug sees this, dramatic music plays. Doug turns to these guys...

...and tells them to knock it off.

Doug, Skeeter, and Beebe take turns exclaiming each others' names until they all say at once, "I gotta go." They walk in three different directions.

In some unlabeled, plain building, a man is telling Roger they can't do it.

Roger points out a couple of named tropical storms and hurricanes. The man says they don't name floods. Roger says, "maybe a few dead presidents would get you to change your mind."

The man takes great offense at being offered a bribe. Roger takes greater offense at the idea of a bribe. He wasn't talking about a bribe. He points to the other side of the room where Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, and Teddy Roosevelt are standing. The national weather service man is stunned. Somehow this works and the people on the news are now calling it Flood Roger. Meanwhile, Roger has to pay his actors.

The man playing Lincoln tells Roger, "if you ever need a moose, I do a great moose."

Back at the sandbagging operation, Doug is shocked to discover that Patti knew about Skeeter and Beebe.

She says it was obvious. Instead of letting Doug damage his back, she picks up the bag of sand and puts it into place for him.

While Patti gets a cup of water, as a break from all the work she's doing, Doug says that Skeeter never had a thing for girls before. She says, "yeah, right! How about Loretta LeQuigly? Muffy Silverson? And that girl that dressed like him?"

If you needed more proof that Doug is an unreliable narrator, here it is. He's missed so many obvious details about his best friend. What else has his missed? What has he just completely misinterpreted?

While they return to the weirdest, most inefficient sandbagging operation, Doug asks, "but Beebe? Of all people..."

Patti points out that you can't help how you feel about a person. She makes him realize Skeeter can't help liking Beebe the same way he can't help liking her. Roger interrupts their work to taunt them.

His voice echos so they can't understand him. He yells again, "YOU CAN'T STOP FLOOD ROGER!"

They still can't hear him. He steps forward to repeat it, but falls into the river.

The river is currently ankle deep. At the beginning of the episode, the weatherman warned that the river was rising dangerously, but here's proof that the whole flood scare is bullshit. Doug, Patti and several other volunteers are sandbagging the river banks when they clearly don't need to waste their time.

At Mr. Swirly, Doug finally asks Skeeter about his relation ship with Beebe. Skeeter tries to pretend he doesn't know what Doug is talking about.

Skeeter says he was hoping Doug forgot. Beebe told him to tell everybody he was getting shoes. "She's kinda sensitive about people finding out."

Skeeter explains how they started dating. When they were riding the Natural Disaster Blaster, she was barking orders at him as if he was driving.

Something happens to her brain when he points out that he isn't driving. She stares at him, her eyes turn into hearts, and she says, "you're so cool."

He says it felt right. He took her home that night and she acts like she wants him to kiss her at her front door. He doesn't and she yells at him that he shouldn't tell anyone before slamming the door.

On the way home, Skeeter is lost in thought and almost walks into traffic. A traffic officer saves him.

This kicks off a musical number called Swingin' in the Wind.

This is an obvious reference.

Instead of an umbrella, they gave Skeeter a Beebe made of leaves to dance with.

Now that Doug knows, there's no reason for Beebe and Skeeter to keep their relationship a secret, apparently. At lunch the next day, Skeeter says he likes her voice best. Meanwhile she's yelling at a cafeteria worker.

She sits next to Skeeter and Doug can't handle the situation.

Now, we get a short montage of scenes to demonstrate how unbearable Skeeter has become because of Beebe.

"What are you doing, Poo Poo?"
"I'm painting a picture. What are you doing, Skeet Skeet?"

"Oooh! Would you look at these little footies? Oh, they'll look so cute on Beebe's little feet."

"Eeew...you're aunt give you an early birthday present?"

Actually, Beebe bought it for him. Doug asks if him wants to hang out and he says he can't. He's having a weenie roast in the backyard. Doug mistakes this for an invitation (for some reason. It's pretty clear it isn't an invitation) and Skeeter has to explain that it's just for his parents and Beebe. Doug realizes that he's not Skeeter's best friend anymore and decides to give him a taste of his own medicine.

Now, a normal person, if they somehow came to this conclusion, would think this meant that he would finally ask Patti out and become one half of an insufferable couple. That would really show Skeeter how it feels, somehow. I mean, if he bothered to notice. Doug, however, decides to find a new best friend the crazy way. He asks the members of the A/V Chess Club if any of them needs a best friend.

All three of them raise a hand. Without really thinking about it, Doug picks Elmo. Elmo is the kid that was playing the tuba earlier.

Doug tries to make Skeeter jealous by telling him they're going to go look for the Lucky Duck Monster tomorrow. Elmo does a sad impression of Skeeter by saying, "cool, man. Beep beep."

Skeeter says he doesn't have time for that. He's going to Funky Town with Beebe because it is their two week anniversary. Doug mocks him, but this is completely ignored. Skeeter says he's trying to finish a song he wrote for her.

"Love you are my piece of cheese
my potato chip, my heart's trapeze
you warm me up like anti-freeze"

Doug finishes for him, "now take an extended trip over seas!" This cracks Doug the fuck up. Elmo remains expressionless. Skeeter says he doesn't think it's funny. Doug says he'd need a vacation after two weeks with Beebe.

"Man! I should've known you'd be jealous! Just 'cuz Patti won't give you the time of day!"
"What!? What are you talking about, Mr. Goo Goo Ga Ga?"

Doug mocks Skeeter's earlier enthusiasm for the footies and Skeeter walks away. Doug continues mocking him.

"Yeah, go ahead. Walk away. I'm not talking to you anymore, Skeeter Valentine. Do ya hear me? And you know what? Your shirt looks like someone named Poo Poo picked it out! And...you're not my friend anymore!"

The news keeps playing up the flood disaster.

They have an announcement from the mayor. Mayor Dink says, "I've called you here to tell you that we're still waiting for an update from the engineer corp concerning further releases of water into the Rollinona, which could cause a rise in Flood Rodney."

"ROGER! IT'S FLOOD ROGER!"

"Note to self: impeach mayor. Oh yeah...eat more cheese."

I guess when you bribe a public official by paying actors to pretend to be either time traveling presidents or ghosts of presidents, you should be pissed when you don't get your money's worth.

In his room, Doug is pacing around, unable to cope with the Skeeter and Beebe situation.

He determines that someone has to save Skeeter.

Remember how Doug made plans with Elmo to look for the Lucky Duck Monster? Well, fuck those plans and fuck Elmo. Doug has to save Skeeter and to do that he has to go to Funky Town. But he can't go without a disguise.

I know you're worried that, well, this is obviously a poor disguise. This is obviously just Doug wearing a fake mustache. Don't worry. This is only half of the disguise.

Where'd Doug go? Who is this old man in the sunglasses?

Before we get to Doug's undefined plan to save Skeeter, we finally get a glimpse at how Roger plans to profit from the flood.

I chose to believe Roger and his goons are the type of people that protest the national spelling bee, rather than four kids that know how to spell "survived" but not "flood."

Doug's first attempt at saving Skeeter is incredibly pathetic. He follows Skeeter and Beebe onto the bumper cars. When he sees Skeeter and Beebe stop next to each other so Skeeter can give her a flower, he charges.

They fail to notice Doug and drive away. He misses them completely and drives through the barrier. He loses control of the bumper car and ends up in some water.

I don't understand how Doug thinks this was supposed to work. Imagine he collided with the Skeeter and Beebe. What then? This isn't an episode of Gilligan's Island where Skeeter bumped his head and did something uncharacteristic and he just needed another bump to reverse the change. Skeeter and Beebe would just be annoyed with him. Doug's next plan makes about as much sense as this one.

Hiding behind one of those stupid fortune telling machines, Doug sees them walking his way. He quickly scribbles something on a small piece of paper and hides in the machine. He thinks, "I'll give them a fortune they'll never forget."

Beebe searches through her purse and says, "oops. Nothing smaller than a hundred. Another time, I guess." They walk away and Doug's shitty plan is foiled again. But wait, there's more!

Another couple approach the machine and actually have the quarter it takes to get a meaningless fortune.

"Swami says, "if you want to lose 80 lbs of unsightly fat, dump the girlfriend."

Another shitty plan foiled.

Doug is now spying on them without his disguise. They're about to take their anniversary ride.

Elmo approaches with his tuba and asks his best friend Doug what he's doing here. Before Doug can explain, Elmo see's Skeeter and Beebe and says, "oh, I see."

"That's the ride that started it all. Skeeter and I would still be best friends if he hadn't pushed me aside to be with Beebe!"
"Whoa! Hey! Whoa there, best friend! That is not what happened."
"What are you saying? What kind of friend are you?"
"The kind with a photographic memory. I was there. You were the one who said, 'I'll ride with Patti.'"

Finally, Doug realizes it's all his fault. Also, Skeeter only wanted to hang around with Beebe the same way he wanted to hang around with Patti. It's pretty funny when you consider that he was hanging around with Patti twice while volunteering but all he could think about was Skeeter. He finally realizes he's just been jealous.

Here's something truly depressing: Porkchop bought Flud Roger gear.

Or rather, Doug bought some Flud Roger gear for Porkchop because Porkchop is just a dog and dogs don't have money or know how to buy things because they are dogs. I don't know where Doug is getting all this money for weekly Funky Town trips and Mr. Swirly and Flud Roger gear.

At Mr. Swirly, Doug finally apologizes for how's he acted. He says he's really psyched Skeeter and Beebe are seeing each other. Skeeter says they broke up.

Appropriate responses all around.

Skeeter says she broke up with him because he made some kind of honking sound. Skeeter tries to apologize to Doug for how he behaved, but Doug tells him to forget it. As for Flood Roger...

"Though annoying for anyone living near the river, Flood Roger turned out to be little more than a puny trickle."

The episode ends with Roger jumping up and down on the dam, cursing it for failing to break. Roger is a fucking monster.

Episode 27: Doug's Secret of Success

2016-05-25T18:15:00.000-07:00

"Dear Journal,
You'll never guess what happened today. Principal White called an assembly to announce a big change that would affect everybody at Beebe Bluff Middle School."

Patti hopes that the school is finally going to get a decent name. Beebe expresses her displeasure at this idea. Willie White, who really should already know what this is about because his dumb dad is the principal, says that Skunky heard the cafeteria wieners are radioactive and everyone is going to turn into giants. Finally, Principal White walks onstage and says, "young people, I have an important announcement that will change all of your lives."

"New school name. New school name!"

"Radioactive wieners. Radioactive wieners!"

"Vice Principal Preston Frumply...is leaving us."

Everyone is mildly annoyed by this announcement they couldn't care less about. Skeeter says, "I didn't even know we had a vice principal."

They're wrong though. The big news isn't that Preston Frumply is leaving. The big news is that Lamar Bone is replacing Preston Frumply.

Everyone is horrified by this news. Roger shrieks.

Mr. Bone takes the microphone and says, "playtime's over, people! The Bone...is back!"

Doug narrates over the rest of Mr. Bone's speech, while imagining the ghostly heads of the children Mr. Bone has traumatized over the years, flying out of his bodies.

Here's a part of the episode I assume Doug completely made up. He says that Preston Frumply took an aptitude test from the guidance counselor, and he filled it out because he didn't have much to do anyway.

When he got the results, the test said he was all wrong for his job.

So he quit his job to become what the test said he'd do best.

"Millionaire industrialist by day!"

"Caped crime fighter by night!"

"Wrongdoers everywhere beware the avenging tail of The Beaver!"

So, Principal White had to search for a replacement vice principal.

"No, he's covering up something."

"Ooh...big dog."

"No depth perception."

"He's perfect!"

None of this happened, except obviously Frumply quit and Bone got the job.

Back in reality, Roger is running from the assembly.

Where is the rest of the school? The principal called an assembly and this is all that showed up?

So, right away, Mr. Bone gets back to being an asshole.

Marching through the cafeteria, he announces new rules for lunch, such as how many times you can chew each mouthful, or that you can't chew at all if you're eating soup. He says, "the faster you eat, the faster you can get back to learnin'!"

Roger, in spite of his earlier fear of Mr. Bone, takes this to mean that if he eats slowly, he can delay going back to class. He starts eating interminably slow and his friends think his efforts are hilarious.

Mr. Bone just gives him detention. He shoves the detention slip into Roger's mouth.

Doug and Skeeter sit down for lunch and Skeeter reminds Doug of their plan to go fishing after school. Doug drops a drawing of Mr. Bone bearing the caption, "Middle School Bones Up," and realizes he forgot to drop his cartoon off at the school newspaper.

In the newspaper classroom, Doug drops off his cartoon and hears Guy saying something in the darkroom.

"Ahoy! Two bells and all is well!"

They do a really stupid, but apparently secret, handshake. One of the guys notices that Doug is outside. Guy opens the door more and Doug is accused of being a spy. He explains that he was just dropping his cartoon off, but the bald guy says he is in big trouble for seeing the secret handshake. Guy intervenes on Doug's behalf.

Guy suggests they let Doug join their secret club because Doug is cool for his grade. Doug asks what club it is, but Guy says it's a secret. So Doug backs away saying he needs to get to lunch. He leaves the room and Guy catches up to him.

Guy says it's a rare honor for them to offer membership to someone in a lower grade. He shows Doug some examples of the great people that are part of the club. The entire football team...
"You mean a club member built this?"

"One of our first."

"MEMBERS!?"

"NO! THEY'RE JUST COOL!"

"All these guys?"

"No. Just one. The admiral we admire, Mr. William Hornblower Bluff III."

Guy asks Doug what else he has to do that afternoon. He says he was going to go fishing and Guy has to take a moment to get over what a terrible response that apparently is.

He wants to know what fishing is going to get Doug. Before Doug can answer, Guy makes him imagine that it only results in a future working for The Man. The Man in this fantasy is Roger.

Roger tells him to stop goofing off. His kids want monkey.

Doug says he doesn't like monkey, but after a stern reminder from Roger regarding who signs his paycheck, he runs over to the kids and starts acting like a monkey.

After the fantasy, Guy says, "Doug, I want you to pry open the clam of life and grab that pearl! Spread the wings of life and fly! Take the bull of life by the horns! And have some BIG! JUICY! LIFE! STEAKS! Or go fish."

Skeeter approaches Doug at his locker and says he can't wait to go fishing. Doug informs him that he unfortunately can't go fishing anymore.

Obviously none of this makes any sense. Doug was going back to lunch and instead he went to football practice, Egypt, a rock concert, and a Bluffco Industries board meeting. If this all actually happened, and given the attendance of the assembly earlier, I'd say this school needs a hard ass like Mr. Bone. Students are barely showing up for class, and they might just fuck off for half the day. Anyway, Doug goes back to the darkroom to find out what he has to do to join the secret club.

This is when the episode starts to follow three separate stories. Skeeter goes fishing without Doug.

Some creaking noises freak Skeeter out. He says he feels like he's being watched. Presumably he's saying this to whoever might be watching him, because he is otherwise alone. There's some air bubbles at his feet, so he looks into the water. He sticks his face just below the surface and sees something terrifying. He runs back up the dock toward land as something tears the dock to pieces.

Or the dock falls to pieces because it is poorly made and/or rotting.

"I wasn't scared to go into the secret 8th grade club. I was...concerned. I mean, like Guy said, this could change my whole life."

In the darkroom, Doug knocks on the door to the supply closet. Someone asks him for the password and he says he wasn't given a password. After a little arguing, they open the door and command Doug to enter.

"So, you want to be a member of the most exclusive and exalted club in the omniverse?"
"Uh, yes?"
They say they don't take just anybody. If Doug is chosen, he will be one of the best and he'll get to go on their annual Power Trip. Guy says Doug will get to meet their leader, Mr. Bluff.

They say Doug has to prove that he is worthy. He asks how. The bald guy says if you ask "how," then you are not worthy. Then he commands Doug to go and prove himself worthy. So, I don't know, if you have to ask "how," then maybe you are still worthy. It's not like a definite disqualification or something.

After they send Doug on his way to prove himself, he has a fantasy about all the benefits he thinks he'll get once he is a member. He's at a fancy party with a bunch of dead presidents. Mr. Bluff is there.

In the fantasy, Doug thinks his regular old clothes are appropriate attire for a party with the ghosts of Lincoln, Roosevelt, and Kennedy.

Fantasy Doug has Roger join the party acting like a monkey. They are all greatly amused.

While Doug goes in search of information on being worthy, Mr. Bone introduces Roger to the new, high security detention hall.

In the library, Doug can't find a book about how to be worthy.

He doesn't have time to realize that there's just not going to be a book about proving your worth to a secret organization. They don't just write down instructions and publish them and then make that information freely available to anyone with a library card. No, they put that shit on VHS and make you pay for it.

For only $19.95, you can learn how to prove you're worthy from the apparent cult leader himself.

Back in Skeeter's plot line, he's trying to convince Mayor Dink that the pier didn't just fall apart. He says it was ripped apart.

Mayor Dink does not believe that the Lucky Duck Lake Monster exists, and so does not believe that it tore the dock apart. Skeeter wants Doug to help him get proof. Obviously, Doug has other priorities.

Doug is carrying at least nine copies of Mr. Bluff's $19.95 video, which is a good indication that he is not worthy, at least not if this were a normal club that rewarded you for not being dumb as shit. However, this is a cult, and the best way to prove your worth to a cult is to throw all your money at it.

Meanwhile, Roger is moaning in detention about how he can't get away with anything anymore. He feels like Mr. Bone is watching everything he does.

At home, Doug puts one of his tapes into the VCR, and it's off to a really bad start.

"Hello! I'm Bill Bluff and here's how I spell success:
Forward thinking
Focus
Undertake
Learn
And B; that spells me! BLUFF!

"Forward thinking" might be my favorite joke in this episode.

Mr. Bluff calls this kid disgusting, and claims no one has this kind of time to waste.

Mr. Bluff goes on a rant about how spending 10 minutes a day to brush your teeth totals about 6.3 months of your life over 75 years, and that's how long it takes for him to build 15 Bluffco Teeny Marts. He says, "I build 15 Bluffco Teeny Marts every time you brush your dumb teeth!"

So Doug realizes how much time he's wasting and starts figuring out how he can do everything faster. First, he has to brush his teeth faster. Porkchop times him.

Next, he has to dress faster. He has his clothes prepared on a hanger in his closet so all he has to do is jump in them. I can only imagine it takes him longer to prepare for this maneuver than it would take for him to put his clothes on normally. Also, when he puts his clothes on like a person that hasn't lost their damned mind, he doesn't get stuck upside down in his closet. Presumably.

Theda comes to wake him up and he runs past her in a blur several times before falling down the stairs.

At the breakfast table, she asks if Doug came through there. The light fixture is shaking as if blown by the wind produced by Doug's speed. He slams the door on his way out and hops onto his skateboard.

In detention, Roger tears down a poster of Mr. Bone and finds an air duct.

He figures this will make for an easy escape, and climbs inside without hesitation.

Doug meets with Guy and the other two idiots to show them how he was saving time.

He's got a pretty detailed report about how much time he saved, but then he wasted that saved time making this report, so was it really saved? No. No, it was not. The bald guy says they want more than someone who can put his pants on fast. They want achievers.

Roger turns a corner and starts celebrating his brilliant escape. Mr. Bone pops up at the end of the air duct and says, "if you'd done your research, you'd know every vent in this school leads to my office!"

Roger's attempted escape lands him in detention for three more weeks.

Meanwhile, Skeeter is back at the Lucky Duck Lake area searching for the monster.

Again, I feel I have to remind you that Skeeter is a genius. Why is he looking for the monster here when he thinks he saw it in the lake? Who knows? Mr. Dink asks if he's looking for that monster.
"You know about the monster?"
"Tippy won't believe it, but my dead uncle saw it. Of course, he was alive at the time."
"I almost sorta saw it, and I'm gonna get a picture of it!"
"BOLOGNA!"

Mr. Dink explains that bologna is the one thing the monster can't resist.

Back at the Funnie house, Doug is reviewing his new strict schedule and sees that it is time to pet the dog.

Porkchop is annoyed by how little time was spent on this task.

Phil enters Doug's room and asks, "is all this rushing around good? You fall down the stairs every day."

"To be a success, you can't waste time, Dad. Besides, I timed it. That's the quickest way down.

Phil tells him it's important to stop and smell the scenery once in a while. Doug enjoys this piece of advice because he can now check off an item on his schedule and he saved a fall down the stairs.

The secret club, or at least Guy and his two friends, are now meeting with Doug to decide if he's to be the newest member. They barely glance at Doug's exhaustive schedule before ignoring it completely and saying they will make their decision based on a series of questions.

Doug begins to protest because what about all that stuff he did, but Guy ignores everything he's saying and cuts him off. The bald guy says, "name something great you did in the last two months."

Doug says, "uhhh, oh! I know. I made my grandma's store trendy. But then I sorta drove her out of business."
"Ever won the Heisman Trophy!?
"No."
"Stanley Cup!?"
"No."
"Peace Prize!?"
"Uhh...no?"
"Emmy!?"
"No."
"Bravery!? Valor!?"
Doug starts to sort of cry as he says "no" to these and starts to walk away. They stop him and tell him he's in the club. When he points out that he didn't do any of those things, Guy points out that they flipped a coin and it came up heads.

Cult. Doug is excited and the bald guy reminds him that he can't tell anyone.

In his journal, Doug smugly brags about how his new club makes him powerful and successful. He's waiting outside the bus that's going to take him to his first Power Trip. He greets Chalky, Beebe, and a stranger as if he's someone important and all three of them walk past him like he's not even there.

So successful and powerful. It's already working.

Guy tells Doug to tell non-members that they're the puppet club. I don't know what they plan to do if an actual puppet enthusiast wants to join, but I imagine it rarely comes up. If I had to guess, I'd say Larry is the only one that would want to join the puppet club.

Skeeter asks Doug to come monster hunting with him. He's got plenty of bologna. Doug says he can't because he has the puppet club picnic.

In detention, Roger sees the puppet club picnic bus and gets an idea.

When the puppet club gets to their destination, Doug is amazed to see all the members from everywhere. They're all boarding a yacht and being greeted by the great and wonderful Bill Bluff. He shakes their hands and they give him the secret sign, which is hardly secret as they're all doing it out in the open.

Right after boarding, Doug receives a uniform. Mr. Bluff congratulates him and calls him Dave.

Nearby, Skeeter has hung several bologna sausages in the trees. He's staked out with Mr. Dink, and Mr. Dink is delighted by the smell of bologna.

Also nearby, Roger has finally escaped detention.

Mr. Bone has been sufficiently fooled.

Unfortunately, the silhouettes get bold. A bird and Abraham Lincoln appear as silhouettes next to Roger and these seem reasonable to Mr. Bone. When a cute fluffy bunny appears, however, he realizes something is wrong.

"Ah ha! I knew there was no bunny in here!"

But the bird and Lincoln? Sure.

On the yacht, they finally reveal the secrets to Doug. There's a trunk and he's allowed to open it and discover the truth.

Doug points out that it's full of old tests and research papers. The bald guy says that studying takes up valuable time they need to build their futures. Guy's other friend asks Doug if he'd rather succeed or, pointing at Skeeter, be like "that goofus."

Mr. Bluff says, "be glad you're one of us, Dudley. A winner, not a slacker."

Skeeter's bologna trap finally has a bite. Mr. Dink is nowhere to be seen. Something emerges from the water.

Skeeter runs towards it, taking several pictures. He trips and falls into the water. The thing in the water keeps rising until it is clearly a small submarine. It is Mr. Bone's sub.

Roger shrieks again and runs away. Mr. Bone chases him. Skeeter is hacking and coughing in the shallow water.

The members of the puppet club are just watching the spectacle. The bald guy laughs and Doug tells him he shouldn't. He says, "Skeeter is just as good as you guys!"

Mr. Bluff does a spit take as the other guy tells Doug to take that back. Guy asks Doug if the phrase "walk the plank" means anything to him. Doug admits that Skeeter is not like them. He's better.

"He doesn't cheat, or laugh at anybody else, and he's fun to be with. Not a big showoff!"

Mr. Bluff is so surprised, his teeth fall out. Doug is surprised that Mr. Bluff has no teeth. Someone reminds Doug what a waste of time brushing your teeth is. Mr. Bluff wants to know who recommended Dan for membership.

Guy tells Doug to apologize but he quits the club instead. He takes off the uniform and throws it down.

Apparently they actually make Doug and Guy walk a plank. Doug apologizes for getting Guy kicked out of the group. Roger runs past them shouting at the yacht, trying to get them to accept him so they can get him away from Mr. Bone.

Looking at a bunch of half eaten bologna sausages hanging from the trees, Skeeter wonders what could have eaten them if it wasn't the monster. I'm afraid I don't follow his logic here. Yes, he thought he was seeing the monster just now and it turned out to be Mr. Bone in a small submarine. That doesn't necessarily mean there isn't a monster, or that what he thought he saw earlier was just Mr. Bone's submarine. Anyway, it was Mr. Dink. Mr. Dink is eating the bologna.

Mayor Dink was likely correct when she blamed the shitty rotten dock for its own collapse. There is no monster. Mr. Dink just saw an opportunity for a lot of free bologna and went with it.

So finally, Doug and Skeeter get to enjoy each others' company. Doug gets to waste his time fishing and Skeeter is still determined to get a picture of the monster.

Some creepy noises and air bubbles in the water near the boat force Doug and Skeeter to scramble for land. They're convinced it's the monster but it's just a frog.

Or is that all it is? Again, this doesn't necessarily mean there isn't a monster. Why don't they consider that the frog might also be running from the monster?

This episode should end right after Doug discovers that Guy is in a secret group. If Doug considered Guy to be a good friend, it could go on from there. Doug should have just said, "I don't know how to say this without being offensive, but if you're a member, Guy, the group isn't worth joining. Good day!"

If only this episode had been about radioactive wieners...

Episode 26: Doug on the Road

2016-05-19T09:43:00.000-07:00

This episode begins with Doug asking, "okay, so who's driving me to Funky Town?" His parents look at each other briefly and return to their newspaper.

Neither wants to deal with him. They're both being very adult here, buying multiple copies of the newspaper so they don't have to share, coming up with lame excuses for why they can't take him, completely ignoring their newborn baby as it wanders about the room. Fortunately, Judy offers to drive him.

I really hope this newspaper is free. I appreciate the headline joke, though.

Everyone is shocked. Theda tells Judy there's no need to be sarcastic. She replies, "who's sarcastic? You guys are busy. I'm not. I'll drive him. Keys?"

Judy leaves the house. Doug shrugs at his useless parents, and follows her. Phil and Theda drop their papers, stand up, and hug.

"After 16 years of parenting!"
"It's like a dream!"

Notice how they are still ignoring the newborn?

When Doug and Judy sit in the car, Doug asks her, "what's the catch?"

She says she's just doing him a favor. He accepts this and she immediately reveals that the catch is that she wants to make one quick stop first.

"It all started on a Friday afternoon..."

So now we're going back two days to get the story about why Doug needs a ride to Funky Town. He really should just leave this part out.

Patti asks if anyone has any plans for the weekend. Skeeter says he'll be doing the usual, which is comic books and dirt biking. Beebe is also doing the usual. For her, this means a little polo and a little hiking in the Bahamas. She yawns as she says this. Doug says, "hey, I know. What do you say we go to Funky Town?" Patti dismisses this idea because they went there last weekend. Enter Guy Graham.

"Listen. How would you guys like to have a blast this weekend? Kick out the jams!? Blow out the stops!? Really soup things up!? KNOW WHAT I MEAN!?"

His suggestion is that they go to Funky Town. Of course. Everyone is excited about this idea now, except Doug. Doug points out that he just suggested that and they shot him down. Patti says, "somehow the way Guy said it, it sounded like fun." Doug has a fantasy.

He's flying a plane past his friends and asks, "wanna come surfboard-skydiving through the eye of a hurricane?"

They are not enthused. Guy approaches them and asks, "how's about staring into a corner and slobbering like a baboon?" This is an idea they can get behind.

Because Doug has a low opinion of Guy and also his friends apparently. He just doesn't get it.

Walking home, Doug continues moaning about the situation. He has taken this one instance as the new rule. He thinks his friends think all of his suggestions sound boring. If Guy excitedly told them all to jump off a building, they'd do it.

Tired of trying to get Doug to understand, Patti walks away. Doug says he's not even going to go to Funky Town.

On Saturday, Doug and Skeeter are at an arcade playing a game called Death Golfer.

Skeeter asks him what he plans to do tomorrow. Doug says he was thinking about getting some people together to play basketball. He reasons that not everyone will be at Funky Town. "I mean, I know Al and Moo will be around."

Actually, they won't. They climb out of the Death Golfer cabinet talking about the type of processor the game uses. One is sure the games at Funky Town use the same processor and the other is sure they don't. They're planning to find out tomorrow.

Realizing the futility of putting together a basketball game, Doug has a fantasy about all the fun things he could do alone on a Sunday afternoon. Sitting on the couch, he turns on the television.

A news pundit says some things that are political and vaguely boring until his speech turns into "blah blah blah" and Doug falls asleep.

Doug has a dream about all the fun his friends are having. Guy and Patti run off a ride laughing. Guy suggests they stuff cotton candy down their shorts, pour ketchup in their hair, and run around squawking like chickens.

The dream within the fantasy ends, and then I guess, so does the fantasy. Doug is making this harder to write than it has to be....

On Sunday morning, Doug finally stumbled on the solution to his problem. He jumps out of bed shouting, "YES!"

He says he decided to change his mind. He gets dressed and runs downstairs and, well, we've already seen what happens there.

Finally, we get to see where Judy needed to stop. Why did she need to drive Doug to Funky Town? What was it she needed that apparently couldn't be explained to the parents? Was it drugs? No. It was Snord Gruppen.

Basically what we have here is Ikea. Judy needs a new bookshelf. Doug knows what's up though. He points out the incomparable size of Snord Gruppen and she dismisses his concerns.

Why didn't she just drop him off first? Doug doesn't ask this. He asks why can't she do her shopping some other time. She says, "you know mom and dad never give me the car to go shopping." A reasonable answer to a reasonable question that completely ignores the fact that "after you drop Doug off" is included in the phrase "some other time."

Judy approaches something that doesn't look like a bookshelf and says that it looks like a good bookshelf. She says, "what I love about this stuff is it's all interlocking and stackable." She spins a piece of the not-a-bookshelf and water pours on her from something that looks like a shower head.

A salesman approaches them and asks if they need help. Judy says, "this bookshelf spat on me!"

"This is sink, madam. You're in kitchens. Living room is that way."

That is a pretty shitty sink. They find something that looks a little more like a bookshelf. Doug points out that this extra stop is taking longer than she said it would. She pulls a knob on the presumed bookshelf and it turns into a car.

Another Snord Gruppen employee tells them bookshelves are on the second floor. Doug continues complaining, and after failing to find something else to mistake for a bookshelf, Judy asks a group of Snord Gruppen employees about bookshelves. They don't know what she's talking about. She says, "a bunch of flat, interlockable, stackable surfaces on which to place BOOKS!" They are still confused, so she pulls a book from her bag to show them. They laugh.

They says there's nothing like that here. All of their books are interlocking and stackable, so they have no need for bookshelves.

Big fucking waste of time. In the car, Doug says he has 20 minutes to get to Funky Town. She says they'll make it, but first they have to go back home. Incredulous, Doug asks why. She says she doesn't know the way to Funky Town from Snord Gruppen. She only knows how to get there if she leaves from the house. Judy is the worst.

Doug checks a map and gives her very simple directions for the fastest route. She follows his directions until they get to the exit they need to take. She makes no effort to slow down and just zips right past it.

Next, she drives through a roundabout, pointlessly driving around it a couple times.

They drive through an industrial area and Judy starts yelling about how they're lost. When they find a tollbooth onto the interstate, Doug insists they aren't lost. They're almost there.

He says Funky Town is just on the other side of the tollbooth. Unfortunately, it's actually the border crossing into another country. This guy wants to see their passports.

Meanwhile, Patti and Skeeter are having a blast and wondering why Doug isn't there yet.

Back in the car, Judy is berating Doug for his navigational incompetence. Because apparently it's his fault she didn't listen to him when he told her to take that exit. And it's his fault she doesn't know how to get to a place unless she leaves from their house. Anyway, now she has to make another stop. Doug begins to protest but it's a rest stop and she says she has to stop. For some bizarre reason that I'm just going to blame on their parents, neither of them wants to say "bathroom." She doesn't say, "I have to use the bathroom." He doesn't say, "oh, you have to poop? Okay, yeah. Better you drop poops in a toilet than in your pants." They're both embarrassed.

While waiting for Judy, Doug turns on the radio and pulls out the map. A news story on the radio freaks Doug out a little.

"The couple was found stranded on a deserted island in the middle of Lake Aukamaga. They said they had gotten lost on the interstate and had been kidnapped by a gang of bikers. The bikers are still at large and dangerous."

At the mention of bikers, Doug looks up from the map to see a group of cyclists stopping to sit at a picnic table.

A stereotypical biker pulls up next to Doug and asks if he needs directions. Doug turns blue and declines the help.

Then he has a fantasy about all the fun his friends are having. Al and Moo get on a ride while Skeeter makes two comments about how much fun they're having or how much fun Doug is missing. Beebe is riding bumper cars and telling her chauffeur who to hit. Patti wonders out loud where Doug is and Guy tells her to forget about him.

"Hey, let's take a boat through Suck Face Tunnel!"
"Suck Face Tunnel? What's that?"
"I don't know. Doug made it up."

His fantasies are having dreams and becoming more self-aware.

After the fantasy, Doug is fuming about Suck Face Tunnel and asks Judy if she can go faster. She says no and she needs another rest stop.

If you were wondering if Doug was the only Funnie kid with apparent bouts of crippling social anxiety, well, apparently Judy couldn't find the fucking bathroom and didn't want to ask somebody where it was because then they'd all stare at her. Doug points out that everyone is at the rest stop for the same reason. Growing more impatient, he tells her to just stop at a gas station. She says it looks disgusting, but pulls over just the same. She says, "I don't see one. Do you see one?"
"One what, Judy? SAY THE WORD!"
"Forget! Let's go!"

Doug asks these two assholes if they have a bathroom because his sister needs to go. They laugh and Judy blushes.

When they're back on the road, Judy is so furious, she threatens to tell Patti that Doug is in love with her. They get to their exit only to find it is closed due to construction.

The workers, especially the asshole working one of the bigger machines, are terrible.

Judy asks if there's a detour to Funky Town and the guy goes on and on about how much he loves the place until the tractor operating asshole drops a huge slab of concrete right next to the car. Doug and Judy are scared for their safety, and should probably call OSHA. Instead, they reiterate their need for directions to Funky Town.

Unfortunately, another worker starts using a jackhammer right next to their car at the same moment they are getting directions.

Immediately after finishing the directions, the guy tries to ask Judy out. They hastily drive away without proper directions, because old man construction worker couldn't just be helpful to the 16 year old. Naturally, they become more lost.

Doug is trying to navigate with the map, and I'm starting to wonder if he can actually read a map.

Lots of nonsense occurs.

Some cows get involved.

Finally, they're just arguing. Doug takes the whole trip as good reason why their parents never let her drive. She says, "well maybe YOU'D like to drive then!?"

He says he would and reaches for the keys. She grabs them and hangs them out the window, threatening to throw them into the woods.

After she throws the keys, they both realize how fucking stupid that was and scream. Doug says that all they have to do is walk straight into the woods until they find the keys, then walk straight back.

After about 10 steps, Doug trips and despair takes over. He clutches at grass and dirt and says, "it's no use! They're gone! We're gonna miss Funky Town! We're gonna starve to death! We're gonna be stuck here together for the rest of our lives!"

If you were wondering if it was worth your child's time to join the Bluffscouts, it is not. They will be prepared for nothing. Anyway, Judy finds the keys. They were on the ground at her feet, a few feet in front of where Doug gave up.

They somehow become lost on their way back to the car. Some wildlife freaks them out and they start running. They run until they find a mysterious village. The citizens are dressed mostly like Pilgrims and they have weird accents.

Doug asks this guy if there's a phone they can use. He doesn't know what a phone is, so Doug describes it as a box you use to talk to people. The guy tells him, "leave off your foolery, ye young rapscallion." This is apparently Pilgrim for "fuck off, shithead."

Doug asks if it's possible they drove through a hole in the time space continuum. Judy tells him to not be ridiculous. She grabs another person and asks for the date. The Pilgrim girl says it is June 14, 1683.

Doug and Judy gasp, but then Judy realizes she knows the girl. The girl panics and runs away. They chase. They're too busy chasing her to notice the other people dressed in modern clothes and taking pictures.

When Judy finally catches the girl, Doug realizes they accidentally wandered into an area next to or part of Funky Town. Judy's friend warns her that they have to pretend it's the 17th century. Judy catches on and takes up the accent and speech patterns while Doug asks for instructions to the entrance of Funky Town.

The asshole Doug asked about the phone points them out to the parson as witches. So they have to be punished.

It makes no sense. They aren't employees of this shitty place. If they're putting all their apparent customers in the stocks for blasphemy or witchcraft or whatever, how are they still a business? They received this punishment because Doug asked for a phone during a minor emergency. How many emergencies have these employees ignored for the sake of their fake authenticity? You've had a stroke? What is this phone thing you speak of? Uh huh, and ambulance? What sort of spell is that? Are you the devil?

Doug takes this moment to reflect on all the times Judy has embarrassed him. The first example he thinks about is when she redesigned his soccer team's uniforms.

She cast him as Ear Wax in her hygiene play.

After the recollections, a woman tells her son to stand by the witches in the stocks so they can get a picture. This doesn't make sense. I hate how much this doesn't make sense.

I don't want to transcribe their whole fight, but basically Doug blames Judy and vice versa. Obviously. When Judy says Doug was too eager to meet up with "that little chicken leg blonde," he blushes and pretends he doesn't know what she's talking about. She points at Patti who has just arrived with Doug's friends, and Doug says, "Chicken! I mean, Patti! Am I glad to see you!"

Doug's friends let them out of the stocks. Patti asks where they've been and he tells her to forget it. Right after he suggests they go on some rides, a man announces that Funky Town is now closed.

So Doug tells them the story of their ridiculous day and realizes it's actually pretty funny. They all think it's very funny that Doug thought he actually traveled back in time. Al and Moo are laughing so hard they're crying.

Doug asks about all the fun they had with a somewhat accusatory tone.

Skeeter points out that all the rides are the same so, y'know...

Guy creeps up on Patti, putting his hands on her shoulders, and says, "I don't know, guys. Patti and I had a fantabulous time! It was kickin'! It was slammin'! It wa..."
"Hey, Guy, cut the hype."

After shoving him away, she says, "can't you admit it was just a little dull? You always make such a production out of everything."

In the parking lot, Judy is the first to realize they left the car out in the middle of nowhere. Doug's friends and Guy help them look.

Doug asks Patti what Guy meant when he said they had a fantabulous time. She says, "nothing."
He asks, "never heard of Suck Face Tunnel?"
"Doug, what are you talking about?"
"Nothing."

I don't know why Doug made up a ride called Suck Face Tunnel. It doesn't make sense. He's been to Funky Town before. According to the beginning of the episode, he was there last week. If it's a place where middle school kids hang out, there's almost certainly a part of it where they are sucking each others' faces. Doug apparently doesn't know about this area, and so made up his own idea of what it would be. It's a shitty Tunnel of Love with a shittier name.

I currently have no theories on the apparent widespread shame the citizens of Bluffington apparently feel when they have to use the bathroom.

Episode 24: Doug's Disappearing Dog

2016-05-04T17:18:00.000-07:00

This episode begins with a nightmare. Doug and Porkchop are hanging out in the journal/nowhere space.

The light blinks off. Porkchop disappears.

Doug sees Porkchop's shadow around a corner and chases after him. Rounding the corner, he encounters a bizarre hallway with an uneven floor and odd shaped doors along the walls, ceiling, and floor.

Doug runs down the hallway and opens a door. The room inside is filled with funhouse mirrors. Doug approaches one and dream logic makes him change shape, rather than his reflection.

He runs from the room and starts to open another door because it is marked with a big sign that says, "enter," when another door behind him slams shut and grabs his attention. Assuming Porkchop must have been the one to shut the door, he opens it and the nightmare runs deep.

He shouts, "stay back," while backing up in the hallway and a door on the floor opens up. He falls into it.

At the bottom of whatever that is, he bounces on something. Tumbling through the air, he notices he bounced on Porkchop's belly. When he falls again, Porkchop dissolves into this pool sort of thing.

Doug falls through with a splash and lands at the top of a long, impossible stairway. He starts walking down it and it turns into a long slide.

At the bottom of the slide, Doug finally wakes up. His journal entry begins, "Dear journal,
It started out like a normal day...for about two seconds." He immediately notices that Porkchop is not at the foot of his bed. He looks under his bed and then calls out the window for him.

At the breakfast table, Doug announces that Porkchop is missing. Judy says, "he better not be gone! He owes me five bucks!" This is no time for jokes, Judy.

Phil suggests checking his teepee. Doug goes outside, muttering about how he didn't think about that. He returns pretty quickly because this is the sort of thing you notice right away.

Porkchop has packed up everything but his lava lamp. Doug can't figure out why he left.

"I knew the reason must've been in the note he left, but I could never read his handwriting."

Doug calls Porkchop's usual hangouts to see if they've seen him. First, the pool hall hasn't seen him.

Nor has the French restaurant.

And this George with his bone phone only barks at Doug.

On the other end, Doug is clearly having a conversation, but it's just with this yappy dog. Troubling.

Judy is watching a show called Newton's Noodle, and today's topic is Your Dog's Brain.

This catches Doug's attention and he joins her. According to the program, 99.44% of a dog's brain is dedicated to eating and sleeping. The remaining .56% is dedicated to the dog's interests and hobbies. Doug insists that this doesn't apply to Porkchop because his brain has always worked. We now get an adorable flashback to Porkchop as a puppy. Young Doug and puppy Porkchop are running around pretending they are astronauts.

Their careless astronaut characters run into Judy and knock over a doll. The doll's head falls off. She is naturally upset that her doll is broken and threatens to tell Theda. Porkchop has a suggestion; surgery.

Irresponsible parenting. This is Homer Simpson-level parenting. Doug should not have access to circular saws. He will just give it to the dog and see what happens. Anyway, the surgery is somehow a success and Judy is billed accordingly.

This memory fades as Doug says that Porkchop is always a great audience.

And a great dancer.

What if Porkchop wasn't actually a dog but just a VHS copy of A Charlie Brown Christmas?

Doug also remembers "that time he repaired that telescope in deep space."

Judy interrupts him at this point and he admits that this never happened. "But it might have if he went to astronaut school."

Doug imagines how Porkchop might be treated if someone else adopts him. In this fantasy, Porkchop is dancing when this shitty little kid commands him to fetch a stick.

The kid also tears down the teepee to reveal a shitty, poorly made dog house. Topping off the fantasy/nightmare, the shitty kid gives Porkchop a disgusting bowl of food and he almost vomits.

After the fantasy, Doug asks, "Judy, why would he go?"

I don't know why she's being so patronizing in this episode, but now she's pretending to be an old detective with a bad accent.

She asks when Doug last saw Porkchop. He says it was yesterday at the Flounder's Day Picnic. This is a picnic to honor The Beets' guitarist Flounder. He grew up in North Bluffington, apparently.

Porkchop loves Flounder.

While the band is playing, everyone is having fun. They're all dancing. Dale drops ice cream onto Beebe and she imagines screaming at the child but just grins and pats him on the head. Skeeter is grilling beets. People are riding carnival rides. It looks like a great time.

Doug recalls he saw Porkchop was at the pie eating contest.

"Porkchop was doing okay but Roger was eating three times as fast as anyone."

This seems like it would be terribly obvious. It's just a picnic table and there's no way they aren't visible to anyone watching the contest. Also, the three of them are grabbing pies themselves, and Roger is handing pies to them. Anyway, Porkchop chases them out from under the table and Roger's scheme is over. Porkchop wins the pie eating contest, then he enters the talent contest with Connie.

And they win. Everyone gathers at Swirly's to end the great day. Doug reasons that someone must have done something terrible to Porkchop when they weren't together. Judy's character accepts this statement as the solution to the mystery and declares the case closed.

Useless. Doug picks up Porkchop's collar and feels that it is still warm. To him, this means he couldn't have left very long ago. To everyone else, this means the collar has been sitting in the sun. Either way, Doug declares that he's going to find Porkchop no matter where he has to look, and he won't be coming back until he does.

So Doug determines to set out like a Canadian Mountie. They always find their man.

Theda calls out the window, "Douglas! Come back and finish your sandwich, please!" This ruins the fantasy.

Without the imaginary horse, travel is much slower, so Doug asks the first person he sees about Porkchop.

"Mr. Dink, did you see Porkchop this morning?"
"Why, no, Douglas. The only thing I saw was a short guy dragging a teepee, with some very nice luggage I must say."

So...yes? He points Doug in the direction he saw Porkchop walking. Doug starts approaching strangers with a picture of Porkchop and none of them have seen him.

They haven't even seen him from behind...

The less assumed about this photo and the circumstances that created it the better, I think.

Doug determines that he needs help and enlists Skeeter, who is of course eager to help his best friend.

Doug asks if he remembers anyone treating Porkchop bad yesterday. Here's what happened, as told by Skeeter.

"You came up to me and said, 'is there still ice cream on my dress?'"
"What? That wasn't me. That was Beebe!"

"Oh, yeah. Right. You were singing a song."
"No. That was Flounder."

"Hmmm. My short term memory's not so good. Maybe you could wait and ask me this stuff again next year."

A genius, everybody.

Doug asks Connie and Beebe if they remember anything happening to Porkchop.

Beebe says she remembers everything perfectly.

She says everyone was happy to see her. She says her throat is parched and everyone offers a drink, but she only wants a drink from a certain someone. He says, "I hope you like frothy goat," and somehow no one vomits.

Nothing against goat milk. Just something about offering "frothy goat" that triggers the gag reflex.

Beebe says the only person that wasn't excited to see her was Roger, and here's what she thinks he looks like.

This is great.

Beebe finishes her recollection with her version of Dale dropping his ice cream on her. Her ruined clothes are not her primary concern. She is more upset that he doesn't have ice cream now. She says she bought ice cream for all the children. Connie interrupts to tell her how things really were.

At least their heights are back to normal. Connie's view of Roger is quite different.

And when Dale drops his ice cream, Beebe threatens to call the police.

She is not polite about it. Connie and Beebe start arguing about each other's perceptions of reality when Doug interrupts to ask about his dog. Finally, Beebe says she remembers something about that at the three-legged race.

She says Doug was wearing the same old thing and asks if he has anything else. Then she says that Doug said, "I can't race with you 'cause you're made of cardboard."

She says Porkchop stayed with Al and Moo Sleech while Doug raced. Their dog is also with them. Doug assumes they did something to Porkchop. He has a short fantasy where they strap him into a gyroscope, which is weird because gyroscopes were a fun, simple thing that you'd likely find at events like this Flounder's Day Picnic. I assume they still make appearances at these small town events.

Doug and Skeeter run toward the Sleech house, because Doug apparently believes the twins are not as friendly as they've always been to him. Considering Beebe was the one that tipped him off about the Sleech brothers' potential involvement, and the fact that she described Roger as an actual lizard person, Doug should not be so anxious to talk to them. As it happens, if they just slowed down and searched the bus station instead of running past it, they might have found Porkchop.

Porkchop drops money on the counter and points at a poster to indicate that he would like a ticket to Los Karkeez. The man at the ticket booth asks if he wants round trip tickets, but he shakes his head no.

"They say if you want to start over, Los Karkeez is the place to go. Well, let's see. That bus leaves once every two weeks and you just missed it. Shouldn't have stood here chattin' with me."

What an irritating piece of shit. Porkchop points at a different poster to indicate that he would take a ticket to Bloatsburg instead. The man hands over the ticket and says the bus leaves in 15 minutes.

At the Sleech house, Al and Moo reassure Doug that Captain Cosmo did not do anything to his dog. Captain Cosmo is their dog and they are certain he is a captain from somewhere "out there."

Ignoring this weird nonsense, Doug asks about Porkchop. They said they didn't participate in the three-legged race because they had a note from their doctor. This is part of Al's memory.

While he watches Patti and Guy speed past the competition, girls swoon over his brilliance. Moo, however, remembers it differently. The girls ignored them in favor of Captain Cosmo and Porkchop.

Moo says they last saw Porkchop going to the Whirly Gag with Doug and Patti.

Patti reminds them that Porkchop wasn't able to ride with them.

In telling the story of the Whirly Gag ride, Patti accidentally reminded Doug that Roger wasn't riding with them either. Naturally, Doug assumes Roger didn't something to Porkchop during this time. Time to confront Roger.

Please, for your own safety, don't let your cat drive anything. Roger says he was too busy to bother with Porkchop. His story begins with his arrival at noon. An impossibly long limousine pulls up and these three step out.

I love that this is how Roger imagines himself. While Doug is worried about going bald, Roger's ideal self is a balding man that doesn't give a shit. His cat is sort of a lion and his woman is Judy Funnie.

In Roger's recollection, Doug walks up acting like a stereotypical hillbilly, wearing overalls with no shirt and being unreasonably friendly to a fucking jerk. This is when Roger's story ends. Doug finally notes that everyone remembers things a lot differently. They leave Roger without even asking him about Porkchop. Doug assumes he's probably a hundred miles away by now.

Meanwhile, Porkchop is still waiting for his bus. He's looking over his photo-album.

An employee of the bus company announces that the bus to Bloatsburg leaves in 3 minutes. Porkchop takes this as his sign, closes the photo-album, drops it into the trash, and gathers the rest of his belongings.

At Swirly's, Doug is moaning to all his friends about how Porkchop was just here yesterday with all of them having fun. Chalky points out that he wasn't. Porkchop wasn't allowed into the restaurant because he's a dog. Mr. Swirly made Doug tie him up outside. Doug says, "that's it! Someone must have done something bad to him while he was outside!"

Finally, Doug notices the problem. He asks, "I tied him up outside?"

Beebe points out that he's just a dog and this swirling mess of a headache fantasy happens.

It ends with Doug rocking in his seat. He finally gets it. He finally realizes that he's the one that treated Porkchop bad. He treated him like a dog. Beebe asks, "yeah, so?"

"Porkchop's not just a dog! How would I feel if I put myself in his place?"

This is perhaps the greatest Doug Funnie fantasy of all time.

Porkchop tells Doug that this is a three-legged race, not a five-legged race.

This is a ride for people. Not dogs.

"I don't want to go all the way home. I'll just tie him to a tree, like a dog."

Doug finally realizes he left Porkchop out of all the fun. Skeeter says dogs must have it tough. Roger says they have it made. He loves it when they scratch their ear with their foot.

Doug is distressed because he thinks he'll never see his dog again. He'd like to at least apologize. Patti tries to reassure him that he might see him again. He wonders how. "He's not just gonna show up on a street corner."

Willie says, "hey Doug, isn't that your dog on the street corner?"

"PORKCHOP!"

He says, "I didn't realize how different things look to other people."

"I tried to see it from your point of view."

The bus driver is getting impatient. Doug apologizes as Porkchop is walking on the bus.

Imagine how depressing this episode would be if Porkchop didn't accept his apology and just moved to Bloatsburg and we never saw him again.

"I definitely learned two things: everybody sees things in different ways, so you gotta watch how what you do makes somebody else feel, and never delay a bus by talking to your dog. It makes the driver really mad, and besides, it throws the bus off schedule."

This episode has everything. I loved seeing how other characters view the world and their friends. Doug can understand dog speech but not dog writing? Patti and Guy were partners in the three-legged race? Does Skeeter ever even know who he's actually talking to? What does Roger actually look like? Beebe describes him as a lizard person, Connie describes him as impossibly short, Roger describes himself as a balding adult, and Doug, as ever, describes him as a person with green skin and a crippling vitamin deficiency.

Episode 22: Doug's Hairy Situation

2016-04-28T19:29:00.000-07:00

The beginning of this episode is missing. Since I am relying on copies ripped from old VHS tapes, I'm grateful for what is available. Not much seems to be missing. It is only missing whatever happens before the title, and a little bit after that. So, I don't know what actually happens here.

So we begin with Beebe talking about her new nose. She says, "nobody takes people with big noses seriously, Doug."

Doug takes offense to this remark, but Beebe walks away without further comment. Chalky grabs Doug saying, "you gotta see this." People are lined up to pay actual money to look at Roger's face with a magnifying glass. He grew his first whisker.

This financially irresponsible person says, "could be a whisker. Could be lint." He's just all around stupid. As Connie struts by, drawing the attention of all the idiotic males lined up to see Roger's facial hair, Doug says something about everyone changing at Beebe Bluff Middle School.

In addition to everyone's puberty and/or plastic surgery, Skeeter has received his first F. It was for a coat rack he made in shop class.

Skeeter points out that his coat rack predicts the weather, removes pet hair, and has a built in tracking device to locate your jacket anywhere on the planet. He received the F because it doesn't actually hold coats, as demonstrated by the teacher. After Mr. Heaver leaves, the failed coat rack detects pet hair on Doug and promptly removes his clothes and replaces them with a coat and hat.

Skeeter runs after the teacher, asking if he wants to grade his pet hair remover.

While everyone is doing research in the library, Roger is wasting his time dicking around with a picture of himself to figure out what kind of facial hair he should grow. He tries the Lincoln.

And the Santa.

He also tries the Shaggy. Doug asks everyone if they want to go to Mr. Swirly's.

Roger thinks it's a great idea so he can show off his new goatee. Beebe's doesn't want to be seen by "real people" until her new nose is ready and Patti has a zit on her forehead that apparently ruins the taste of ice cream.

That night, Doug is taking a shower and thinking about how everyone is hung up on their looks.

He says he didn't freak out when he got his first pimple, but of course we know he did. He even imagines it. Here it is, with arms and asking him to order a pizza.

He also says he didn't freak out when he gained a little weight.

He doesn't mention all the other times he has freaked out about his appearance. Anyway, as he's wiping the fog off the mirror, he asks, "how could everybody be so self conscious?" Then he yells as he notices his hair is thinning. He checks the shower drain and finds a lot of his hair.

Doug says his hair looked normal once it dried, but he wanted to be sure this wasn't a serious problem. Naturally, he walks up behind his father and starts poking him in the head.

"Boy, that's a head full of hair you got there, dad. That is definitely not a wig, that's for sure!"

Doug asks, "you were my age once, right?"
"Yeeaaahh."
"What'd your hair look like?"

Theda says she thinks Doug has pretty much the same hair as Phil. She shows Doug a few photo's of young Phil to reassure him.

Pretty much the same hair. There's also a hippy Phil with long hair and a disco Phil with an afro. Somehow Doug finds this reassuring. He excitedly points out that good hair is in your genes and he has the same genes as his father. Judy can't let this stand. This episode would end really early if Doug stopped worrying about his hair.

Judy points out that baldness is actually inherited from your mother. So she turns the family photo album to some of her relatives. The only one we see is someone she calls Uncle Chromedome.

She also mentions Uncle Slidytop and Uncle Shinyhead. This is doubly distressing. Not only is Doug likely to go bald, he's also going to get a hurtful nickname. Doug runs screaming from the room.

The next morning, Doug says he decided to not let his hair get him down.

He also puts a little mousse in his hair and combs it a bit to make it look good. On his walk to school, he is almost immediately hit right in the head with a bunch of water.

Mr. Dink apologizes and says he's having trouble with his new remote controlled sprinkler system.

Doug returns home to fix his hair.

And takes precaution against further incidents involving a lot of water ruining his carefully styled hair.

Patti comments on his preparedness for the rain. He says you can never be too prepared for rain and she points out it isn't raining. It's like...why is he even worried about his hair? If he becomes an eccentric always protecting himself from nonexistent rain, no one is going to notice his bald head.

At school, Chalky, Skeeter, and Beebe excitedly tell Doug and Patti about the new waterpark at the mall.

It is opening this Friday and it's called Tsunami City. Obviously Doug is not as excited as he should be. Patti is fucking thrilled.

Patti suggests the obvious; that they should all go together. Doug has a typical fantasy. It begins with him having a great time, laughing as he slides down a water slide. When he surfaces in the pool at the end of the slide, his comb-over is ruined.

A life guard blows his whistle and shouts for everyone to get out of the water because there is a comb-over in the pool. Everyone panics and runs screaming like the doodie scene in Caddyshack.

Doug tries to talk everyone out of going. He asks about Beebe's nose and Patti's pimple.

Patti says her pimple isn't going to ruin her fun. Beebe says her bandage will be off by Friday. Patti asks if he's going, so he says, "what have I got to lose?"

At home, he's slouching on the couch, wondering how he's going to get more hair in just three days. Conveniently a commercial answers his question.

It's more or less a spoof of GLH. A bald man gets fired then his girlfriend dumps him at dinner. He sprays some "hair" onto his head and gets a promotion and the woman professes her love for him and his hair. Naturally, Doug buys the shit.

Mr. Dink is still having problems with his new sprinkler system.

He says hello to Doug and immediately asks, "using that new spray on hair?"
"How could you tell?"
"Oh, just a lucky guess. Huhuhuh. Let me help you with that."
Doug protests when Mr. Dink throws it right in the trash where it belongs. He tells Doug to trust him, then takes him inside for a demonstration.

Mr. Dink has a slide show of childhood photos ready to demonstrate how he lost his hair between the ages of 12 and 13. Here he is at 13.

Doug points out that Mr. Dink has plenty of hair and he admits that it is nothing more than a fancy comb-over., which is sort of an oxymoron. Fortunately, he's just purchased the (of course) very expensive Follicle 4000. Apparently, Mr. Dink just wanted to test this product on someone before he tried it himself. He jams it onto Doug's head and turns it on. While Doug's head starts shaking around, smoke pours out of the sides.

When Doug checks himself in a mirror, he notices his hair is not thicker. Looking into Follicle 4000, he sees a bunch of his hair has actually been removed by the damned thing.

Mr. Dink says he has another invention that temporarily cures baldness. Doug asks what it is.

"They call it uh...the hat."

Meanwhile, Skeeter is still struggling with shop class. Here he is presenting his simple bird house.

The teachers decide they should explain the idea behind designing simple things. They point out the barest necessities you need to build a school and Skeeter describes things that would make it cooler, like a roller coaster, a race track, and a space port.

Next, they show Skeeter how all you need for basketball is a ball and a hoop. Skeeter asks, "wouldn't it be neater if the court was a trampoline, the baskets moved, and you have a laser light show?

They point out how dangerous that sounds. I don't know why no one points out that these are bizarre examples to demonstrate simple design principles for shop class projects. After these demonstrations, they give Skeeter a make up project. He's to design a simple candy dish.

Skeeter gets to work, listing off supplies he needs that thoroughly dump on the idea of simplicity.

Back at Doug's house, his room is littered with hair products. Doug says he's getting positive results with the latest product.

"Only not on me."

Doug asks, "what am I gonna do, Porkchop? Patti's never gonna want to swim with a bald guy." Judy responds for Porkchop, telling Doug to wear a hat backwards. She says it's very hip. Here we get a fantasy that changes scene twice. First, Doug and Patti are dancing on a stage to what I guess is supposed to be Doug's impression of hip hop.

Next we get Doug in a rodeo.

And last, we get Doug as a fire fighter. In the first two scenes, Patti is impressed by his abilities and thinks his hat is nice. In the fire fighter scene, he saves her from a burning building.

While the cherry picker is lowering them to safety, he removes his helmet to wipe his brow. When Patti sees how bald he is, she demands to be put back in the burning building.

Where does Doug get this idea that baldness is worse that dying in a burning building? Pretty bleak, Doug.

After the fantasies, Judy offers him help because he's filling the house with negative energy.

Her help is shit, of course. She takes him to her school where he can try on the variety of wigs owned by the costume department.

No?

No.

NO!

I don't even know why you would try this one on.

"Dougie, somewhere out there some brilliant, dedicated scientists are working day and night on a cure for male pattern baldness so some greedy pharmaceutical giant can jack up the price and make a fortune. But look at the good side: maybe they'll do it in time so you can still be the life of the party."

And here's another fantasy. There's a pretty good dance party happening. All his friends are commenting on either the light show, how Doug is the life of the party, or both. Apparently, Doug thinks the scientific cure for male pattern baldness is just turning your bald head into a disco ball with lasers.

After this ridiculous fantasy, we get more of Skeeter's continued efforts to understand the word "simple." He reveals his simple candy dish and it's just a blue bowl. One of the teachers puts a piece of candy in the dish to test it. When it successfully holds the candy, they congratulate Skeeter and give him an A.

When their backs are turned, Skeeter pushes a hidden button to make mechanical arms raise out of the bowl, unwrap the piece of candy and feed it to him while a robotic voice states the time, temperature, and that Tsunami City will open in 34 minutes.

Back at the Funnie house, Theda asks Doug if he's heading to the water park. He says he's going to the movies instead.

While walking to the movie theater, Doug passes his barber. Joe asks him why he isn't at the new water park.

Doug reveals his growing insecurity over his hair loss. Joe chuckles and says he has lots of products to fight baldness. Doug asks, "really?" Joe says none of them work and his two old friends add...
"Never have!"
"Never will!"

Doug asks what does work and they all tell him you can't beat mother nature.

"But Doug, if you're worried that people won't like you because you've lost some hair, hey! That's their loss!"
"Cuz you're still the same person!"
"Only sexier."

Three balding old men, two of them total strangers, finally tell Doug what he needs to hear. It's one of those things that should be obvious.

Anyway, Doug says, "maybe you guys are right. Only a loser would let hair worries keep him from water pleasure. Only a loser would skip out on his friends when they're having fun! So what's it gonna be, Doug Funnie!?"

The movie, of course.

Doug sits by himself and starts eating his popcorn.

Nearby, a woman is playing with her date's hair while they both chuckle. A rude, obese man, possibly a pervert (not because he's obese or rude, but because look at all the empty seats. He just wants to rub up against the young boy and he looks like Dennis Hastert without glasses) sits next to Doug.

The lights dim and the previews begin. The original Smash Adams star is apparently making his return to movies with Cueball. It's basically Smash Adams if he was bald and used his shiny bald head to his advantage at every opportunity. During a fight, he reflects light off his head to distract his opponent.

During a water skiing/sea-doo chase scene, there's no apparent reason for it, but he's uses his head.

I would watch this ridiculous movie, buy the novelization, then drunkenly make fun of it.

Make it happen, Vin Diesel.

On his way out of the theater, Doug has a realization.

"Did Patti's pimple make me like her any less? No way! Did Beebe's new nose make her any different? No."

"And did Roger's goatee make him cooler? Well, sort of."

The concessions cashier stops Doug on his way out and asks if he wants to look bald. He's selling, or maybe giving away, promotional bald caps for Cueball.

At the Tsunami City, Doug is at the top of a slide when he pokes his head out. He's wearing the Cueball bald cap and says, "hey everybody, I'm Cueball!" He throws off the bald cap and slides down.

No one asks him what the fuck that meant. Chalky and Patti are glad to see him and ask if he's feeling better. He says he is and asks where Skeeter is. Skeeter is about to demonstrate his super simple dive. He actually does a cannonball. The shop teachers are there and they comment on how complicated his super simple dive must have been and he teaches them the important aspects of a simple cannonball. It's all dumb.

Beebe drives by on this monstrosity, and says hello.

Doug asks about her bandage, since she was supposed to have it off by this point. Chalky and Patti says she had another operation to put her nose back the way it was before because she liked it better. They laugh and splash each other and someone takes this picture so Doug can put it in his photo album.

Doug says his mom pointed out another uncle that Judy didn't mention. Here's Uncle Harry. Or Hairy? Whatever.

"When you really think about it, Journal, people don't become your friends based on your hair, or your complexion, or your nose. They like you based on you. And if they don't, well, they're probably not good friends, and I've got some great ones."

This episode ends with a joke about Roger asking Doug for some of his hair growth products.

Total fabrication. As far as we know, Doug isn't telling people that he's trying GLH or any of that other shit that doesn't work. Mr. Dink saw him with the GLH shit and Judy saw him with whatever bullshit wasn't working for him but was working for Porkchop. Maybe Doug went to school the next day and complained to everyone about his hair loss and the lack of instant results from hair growth products, but that would require that he didn't care what people thought of him. If he didn't care what people thought of him, he wouldn't use the products to begin with and this show wouldn't exist.

Episode 21: Doug's Big Panic

2016-04-20T16:14:00.000-07:00

"Dear Journal,
Ever since I've known Patti we've done a zillion cool things together, but this week I was going for the big one."

Apparently the big one is kissing. Doug is planning to kiss her. Here he is practicing with a sandwich in his room.

Doug says it's no good, and Skeeter suggests pulling the bologna out a little more. Because it's not weird enough for Doug to pretend Patti is a bologna sandwich, he has to have his best friend there watching and giving suggestions. Skeeter pulls a balloon out of his backpack and suggests practicing on the balloon.

So, Skeeter has been working on a secret project for weeks. In the cafeteria, Guy approaches him and asks him how the project is going. Skeeter writes "the end" on the last page and hands it to Guy.

Guy flips through the book pretty quick then stands on the table and calls for everyone's attention.

"I just want everyone to know I'm holding in my hand a brand new show I just finished. Auditions are Friday. It's gonna be killer!"

Everyone approaches Skeeter to ask him about the show. Everyone seems excited and no one seems annoyed that Guy is a fucking credit stealing scumbag.

Skeeter explains that it started when Guy saw a big musical.

He couldn't sleep. He wanted to do a show of his own.

Once he finally got an idea, he made up t-shirts, posters, and keychains.

Getting all the important shit out of the way, he needed a show. He asked the librarian for a student that read a lot. She pointed out Skeeter.

He approached Skeeter to write the show. Skeeter asks what it's about, so Guy shows him the shirt he made.

It's a musical about the Mona Lisa. They leave the library with Guy talking about how the show has to be big. Later, Skeeter says to Doug, "I can't figure out how to make a painting into a big Broadway musical!"

Doug sees Porkchop reading, as dogs often do, and gets an idea.

So yeah, not a bad idea. Just steal the plot of fairy tales and plug in Mona Lisa and Leonardo da Vinci. For whatever reason, Skeeter pitched this idea to Guy with a hand puppet show.

The story he ripped of is Cinderella, except Skeeter says she leaves behind a glass flipper because he says, although you can't see it in the painting, she's wearing a wet suit and flippers. After this, Guy has to secure funds to pay for the show, which means Roger for some reason.

He half asses the hand puppet pitch, but it's not like Roger cares. He just wants to know what's in it for him. Guy says his name will be on all the posters, but Roger has a better idea. Guy calls Skeeter to pitch some story changes.

"How about this? Leonardo's chasing after Mona Lisa, right? He gets on a ship, right? And on the ship there's a sea captain."

"Don't forget the peg leg!"

Guy continues pitching story for the sea captain. He's chasing a big white whale that chopped off the sea captain's leg. Skeeter says, "I know where you're going. The whale's named Moby Dick, right?" Guy wants to call the whale Free Wally. See below, where everyone is smiling and not groaning at this horrible story Skeeter is relaying to them...

Skeeter tells them he just finished the script, as long as Guy doesn't make anymore changes. On cue, Guy returns to tell him to include a wooden boy who lies. Actually, I'm going to quote him because he's a fucking dipshit ass, and the dumb things he says need to be documented: "Valentino! Just struck with genius! One word: wooden boy who lies! See what you can do!" He then points out Patti, hoots, and says she'd be good as Mona Lisa.

After Guy dismisses himself, Connie asks Skeeter how the story ends. Skeeter says Leonardo finds her under a magic spell and must kiss her to wake her.

Doug has the first of many similar fantasies. As Leonardo, he approaches the sleeping Patti/Mona Lisa, and says, "I shall wake her." He leans in to kiss her.

She springs up before he gets close and asks, "what's going on?"

After the fantasy, Patti walks up and asks what's going on, prompting Doug to say, "I'm gonna get that part if it kills me."

Doug has a lot of fantasies in this episode. Here's one of a musical number from the show.

While singing, Doug loses his balance and paints a green mustache onto Patti.

His fall somehow demolishes the entire set.

Concerned that he would fuck up, he asks Judy for help. He needs to nail the audition, and then not shit the bed on opening night, so it makes sense. If she only has one use, this is it.

She immediately agrees to help him. Apparently she's choreographing the damn thing, and doesn't want him to blow it because she thinks it will make him look bad. She starts to suggest one of the crappy roles when he says he wants to be Leonardo. She laughs and suggests he be one of the sailors instead, maybe with a peg leg so he doesn't have to dance. Ignoring her, he retreats downstairs to practice singing with the piano, but he sucks.

She tells him he's going to need to sing louder, but he gives it up. He resigns himself to a crappy role and exits. On the front porch, Judy apologizes for what she said. She asks, "what's worse: making a fool of yourself in front of everybody or giving up without trying?"

Doug doesn't immediately answer the question. He's apparently too slow to realize she's agreeing to help him practice for the lead.

So, being a decent sibling, she actually helps him. They practice a lot.

I include this screenshot because GODDAMMIT DON'T STAND ON THE FUCKING GLASS FURNITURE!

At the audition, Skunky tries out for the whale by spitting water. Doug is inhaling potato chips and Patti asks if he's nervous. He tries to play it cool but immediately notices his script is missing and thinks he might have eaten it. Totally normal reaction. Patti's audition goes alright.

Doug admits that she doesn't have the best singing voice, but admires her for giving her all. Guy overacts his planned reaction to give her the part. Guy sucks. Willie, Ned, and Boomer introduce themselves and say they're going to sing the sailors' song and everyone react negatively.

Of course, we know Ned can jam on the piano, but they're amazing. Well rehearsed, good singers. I'm glad they get to shove it in everyone's faces.

Even though it was part of the agreement to finance the damned thing, Roger still has to get on stage to "audition" for his part as the sea captain. He just says, "if you think I'm singing, you're nuts," before walking off stage. There was no point to this.

The only other person auditioning for the role of Leonardo is Fentruck.
Doug finally gets his chance, and he does well. All the practicing with Judy pays off.

A few days later, Doug sees Fentruck walking funny and asks if he's okay. Fentrucks says he's practicing for the play. Worried, Doug asks what part he got and Fentruck says he's playing Happy Limping Sailor Number Four.

Doug reassures him that Sailor Number Four is just as important to the show as Sailor Number Three, then rushes home to celebrate.

Doug jumps onto the couch but he is so happy he can't sit still. He leaps up, bangs on the piano, and slides to his knees saying...

"Kiss me, Mona!"

Then Theda tells him there's a message for him on the answering machine about some play. He says, "I know," then plays the message.

"Doug! This is Guy! Better take a seat, song and dance man! You're in my show! You're my Happy Sailor Number Five!" Doug can't believe it. He replays the message.

At the first rehearsal, Doug finally finds out who will be playing Leonardo. Guy says, "it was a hard decision, and after a lot of thinking I decided the best person to play Leonardo is..."

"ME! HAHA!"

Doug becomes increasingly annoyed by this situation. While rehearsing his part, he's completely distracted by Guy making Patti laugh backstage.

This immediately triggers a fantasy where Doug busts into Guy's dressing room and quits.

"I'm outta here! You can just do your show without Happy Sailor Number Five! I never wanted to be in it anyway! And you know what? This show is the lamest thing I've ever seen! I wouldn't be in it if you fell on your hands and knees and begged me!

"No, Doug! Please! You're right! Be Leonardo."

The fantasy ends with them practicing the kissing scene, with Patti doing a terrible job of being in a magical coma.

After the fantasy, Doug is in his room. Theda enters to tell him he has a phone call. She's been trying to get his attention, but couldn't break through the fantasy.

Patti says she's glad they're both in the play and suggests they get together to practice sometime. This is enough to make Doug happy.

While the five happy sailors are practicing their big song, Guy has another idea. You can see how much enthusiasm Skeeter has left for Guy's shitty ideas.

Guy says they need something really big at the end of the first act. Skeeter points out they've already got the battle with Free Wally and the ship sinking. Guy wants something bigger. He wants the Civil War. Yes. In a play about Leonardo da Vinci painting the Mona Lisa, after largely stealing from fairy tales, Herman Melville, and Carlo Collodi, Guy now wants to shoehorn the American Civil War into this shitty mess. Why is anyone entertaining this fucking asshole with his shitty ideas? Anyway, Skeeter gets to work.

After rehearsal, Patti asks Doug if he'd like to get together to practice that night. She says Guy is too busy.

So, Doug reads Leonardo's lines and helps her remember her lines. After a little over two hours, they've worked their way through all the parts she's having trouble remembering. He asks if she needs help practicing the end and she says she's practiced that enough with Guy. He asks, "what's it going to be like kis...doing that last scene in front of everyone?"

She replies, "I'm pretty nervous. But Guy says, 'the only way to get over butterflies is to practice, and practice, and Doug why are you twisting your script up like that?"

In another fantasy, Doug quits.

Guy just smiles at him. Doug asks why. Guy laughs and says, "come on, Doug. You're not quitting. This is just another one of your little fantasies."

"Oh yeah, well...just wait!"

No one in his life is actually mocking him this time so his fantasies are mocking themselves. This is new and I don't know how to categorize it. Roger's too busy to mock him. Judy is helping him. Patti has invited him over and they had a good time, at least until she said things that revealed what a shitty creep Guy is.

Doug marches into the auditorium on opening day, ready to quit. Judy approaches him, gives him some last minute tips, and is generally very encouraging.

Doug has a brief conversation with Fentruck and realizes he can't quit. He'd be letting everybody down.

After Doug resigns himself to playing his minor part, everyone finds out that Guy is sick.

According to her, "he's exhausted himself and caught some spots." At the suggestion that the show has to be cancelled, Patti steps up. She recites one of her lines and Doug responds with the correct Leonardo line.

At the revelation that he knows all the lines, Judy gives him a pep talk to encourage him in the role. Given that it's the role he wanted in the beginning, and that Judy is encouraging him rather than dumping on him as usual, you'd expect his reaction to be something better than this.

Doug says act one went okay. Patti remembered all her lines. Doug only made one mistake, saying "oh, how I will kiss her" instead of "miss her."

I include the following screenshots because where else are you going to get Leonardo da Vinci shaking hands with Captain Ahab?

Or Leonardo da Vinci at the American Civil War Laser Show?

During the intermission, Doug has a fantasy about finally kissing Patti. She is offended by his breath and breaks character.

On the other hand, maybe Sleeping Beauty would be less creepy if bad breath woke her up instead of sexual assault?

Anyway, Doug brushes his teeth.

Judy tells him she's so proud of him. She says he's doing great. Then Connie interrupts to make a terrible announcement.

Now Patti is sick. Guy must have given whatever he had to her. Connie says they'll have to stop the show and refund everyone's money. Someone else has a different idea.

So Doug doesn't get to kiss Patti and instead gets to kiss his sister. After the show, Doug finds some flowers and a note in his dressing room.

It makes you wonder if Doug had anything like this planned for Patti. Did she already have the flowers or did she have them delivered while everyone else was finishing the show? Of course he didn't. He can't admit that he's in love with her, and letting her know how he feels would be the worst. Sure, here's proof that she was apparently sort of looking forward to doing the kissing scene with him, but this episode ends on a fantasy of what he imagines the scene would have been like. As with all previous fantasies of this scene, Doug is unsuccessful.

Patti just laughs. Or Doug messes up a line, and they have to start the scene over.

Doug's fantasies are breaking the fourth wall in new ways.

Episode 19: Doug Gets Booked

2016-04-13T18:37:00.000-07:00

"Dear journal,
Did you ever have one of those days when you just couldn't find a book that's worth reading?"

Doug picks up a copy of Homer's Odyssey and reads enough to imagine this scene.

The Cyclops looks confused when Doug yawns like, "oh, a giant cyclops just stood up in the sea. Ho-hum." After the fantasy, Doug tries to find something more exciting and picks up an Edgar Allan Poe collection. He opens to The Pit and the Pendulum and is bored by this as well. He has this fantasy where he's the narrator and he's bored by the swinging pendulum, so he uses it to slice some meat.

Doug approaches the librarian and asks, "don't you have anything really exciting in this library?" She doesn't take this question well, as she suggests a book of Greek mythology while turning into Medusa.

Luckily, this was just Doug hallucinating. He yawns while hallucinating that Porkchop turns to stone and crumbles away.

This episode is about a book report for Ms. Kristal.

It's not a typical book report. She says you can use anything that best expresses what you got from the story. Skunky asks the question, "when you say anything, like, what do you mean?" She says that means no rules. Use your imagination and do whatever. Skunky hates this idea. After school, he complains to Doug and Skeeter that he needs rules.

Doug points out that he never follows rules. He says, "I do too! The rules tell you what not to do, so that's what I do do. If nobody tells me what not to do, what do I do?" Skeeter gets it. Anyway, Doug knows exactly what he'll do. The Tell Tale Heart.

So earlier, which is actually later (I suppose), when he said Edgar Allan Poe's The Pit and the Pendulum wasn't exciting enough, what he actually meant was it was just too long. He points out to Porkchop that it's only 3 pages long as if that is the most important aspect of it. The Tell Tale Heart is 2093 words. The Pit and the Pendulum is 6155 words. Doug is lazy. The Pit and the Pendulum would be about 9 pages for Doug, but that's in goddamn Yawnsville.

Doug's tireless work on his book report is interrupted by a television broadcast featuring his school. Basically, it's a commercial for a show about Beebe.

She's excited. The show promises to show you what it's like to be a girl going to a school named after yourself. Basically, they're just going to follow Beebe around and that will be the show. It is weird because this episode aired in early 1997. I mean, I know Real World was earlier than that, but this is really a better criticism of the type of shitty reality/documentary shows that have ruined a number of cable channels in the last decade. Look at this and tell me what they're making fun of if not everything that came out after this show aired. Anyway, the show is sponsored by BluffCo. Industries. Basically, Beebe's dad is paying a bunch of adults to follow his young teen daughter around for a week and to film everything that happens so that it may be aired on television. If that doesn't sound like good parenting, then good for you. DFCS will not be called on you.

At school, Skeeter and Skunky are apparently excited by the documentary crew following Beebe. Skunky tries to steal the spotlight by pretending to be the principal, but Beebe interrupts him to get the crew to follow her into class.

Roger says the dog and pony show will interfere with his ability to learn. He's saying it to be a dick, but he's also absolutely correct and Beebe and her crew should fuck right off.

She says he's only jealous so he makes a face at her, sticking out his tongue. She makes a face back. This goes back and forth a few times before he asks the crew, "uhh, you're getting this right?"

Well fucking played, Roger.

At lunch, Skunky asks everyone what they're doing for the book report.

Willie says he's going to print his in 36 fancy computer fonts. Roger says he was actually going to read a book, which is great for him but not really an answer to the question. He's just being a smart ass. Doug starts to talk about his book report but Beebe and her crew walk by.

Her loud monologue to the camera about her book report about Treasure Island makes the rest of them realize that their book reports are going to be broadcast on television. Everyone's mild anxiety about a pretty standard book report just increased. It's a shame that Doug was finally getting through something with relative ease. He wasn't agonizing about what he should do or how it would be received. He found a story he liked and he ran with it and Beebe fucked that up.

So he looks at his drawing and asks himself if his "dinky" drawing was good enough for television. This is a fantasy.

The director, Spielpug, immediately interrupts Doug when he holds up his drawing.

It doesn't do anything. It's boring. He needs action. Something exciting. I wish Doug would just let it die here. It's a show for Beebe about Beebe. The director, the producers, the viewers, etc...aren't grading his book report. They don't fucking matter. It's not Doug's assignment to making interesting television. Obviously, this is not the end.

This fantasy was followed by another. This time, a rocket ship lands on a green asteroid?

Doug and all his school friends emerge from the rocket in space suits.

After Beebe says his book report is better than hers, and the director calls him a genius, Doug returns to reality saying, "yeah, that's the kind of book report I need."

First step is to dispose of the previous book report.

Second, he needed to find a book about the moon to fit with his unrealistic idea. Strutting up to the front desk at the library, Doug asks, "what books do you have on the moon?"

The librarian, being shitty and pedantic, says, "we don't have any books on the moon. They're all right here."

You fucking asshole. You knew exactly what he meant. Doug needlessly clarifies, and ends up with a small stack.

No need to look further. Jules Verne's got him covered. It's quite a bit longer than Tell Tale Heart, but Doug doesn't care. He won't have time for any reading now that he needs to build a moon set.

At the hardware store, he starts describing all the things he'll need and hallucinating them in that way that is torturous to retail workers.

Really, we know you have this picture in your head of what you're describing, and maybe you can even see it like Doug here, but please stop. Your hand motions are not helpful because no one else can see the picture in your head. Anyway, the clerk kindly says that his idea sounds pretty good, but the lumber alone will cost 63 million dollars.

Doug asks him for a smaller scale version and the guy produces a small piece of wood and some paint. So, Doug makes a pretty great model rocket.

Fantastic, Doug. Plus, since building a small rocket took far less time than building a moon and full scale rocket set, he'll have time to actually read the book. But first, Beebe has invited everyone to her house.

She's trying to pretend she didn't invite them, and basically it's just a pretense to show off her project. Her pool now has an island and a pirate ship and actors and she's just really over-doing it here. They're all blown away. Skeeter asks the logical question, "how will you move your pool into the classroom?" She imagines yelling at a construction crew.

At Mr. Swirly's, Connie asks Skeeter, Doug, and Chalky if they thought Ms. Kristal would let her ride a horse into class. Skunky interrupts her justification with an announcement that he finally knows what he's going to do. Treasure Island! He's even got a stuffed parrot.

Doug tells him that Beebe is doing Treasure Island (which he'd know if he'd been paying attention), and he asks if she's got a parrot. Everyone nods yes and he is defeated. And now we get few examples of other students' book reports and the extremes they are going to.

"Willie White had a suit of armor shipped from their ancestral castle." His book report is about whatever book he found about King Arthur.

Skeeter plans to build a tornado right in the classroom.

Genius. I don't know what book this is for, but he turns it on and it's too powerful.

I don't know how Skeeter created a tornado and destroyed his room with a rotary fan and a box fan, but there you have it.

Doug says even Patti was concerned with the TV aspect of it. They're playing catch when she says, "if they like my report, maybe they'll turn it into a TV show."

She has a fantasy (or maybe Doug has a fantasy for her?) and it's basically Star Trek. It's like Patti just isn't as smart as we've always assumed. Listen, Patti...if you're doing a book report and the TV people like it, they will go to the the copyright holder of the book and you will get jack shit. If the book is public domain, the better for them and still jack shit for you. Also, are you really doing a Star Trek novel for your book report? That's actually kind of awesome. Tell me; is it a novelization or an original novel? Because I fucks with novelizations (follow, if you will. Like this blog, I took a break, but I'm about to get back to it as well...) and I've got a few Star Trek novelizations and we could start a book club if you're into that sort of thing.

Finally, we get a sneak peek at Roger's book report. There's a guy dressed like him and talking to a woman dressed like his mom, describing the situation that lead to them becoming rich. Roger yells, "cut!"

He demands that the actor make him sound cooler. Doug asks, "what book is this from?" A totally reasonable question.

A totally ridiculous answer. Roger has an autobiography now. Doug asks, "you wrote an autobiography?" Roger says no and points out the guy who wrote it and is apparently still writing it. Here's a preview of the next chapter.

Considering the previous mayor and what else we know about the town, this isn't so absurd that it couldn't happen, or maybe even hasn't already happened.

Judy walks over to Roger, tells him to wear a hat, and kisses him on the cheek.

Apparently she's helping Roger get an A so he'll fund her next project. Before Doug can express enough outrage at Judy, this happens.

I would love an entire episode about Doug, directed by Roger and starring these two.

Back at home, Doug is convinced his rocket model is not good enough and so into the trash it goes to hang out with its friend the Tell Tale Heart.

Mr. Dink has a suggestion, of course. He says his favorite book when he was a kid was Swift Bob and His Radio-Electric Alloy Piercer.

It includes plans to build your own radio-electric alloy piercer! If you're not Doug, you're probably wondering what a radio-electric alloy piercer is, but if you're Doug, you'll just go ahead and build one before finding out it's just an electric can opener.

Doug is thoroughly disappointed, as you can see by his face in the fantasy below.

And the class laughs.

And the world laughs, because this is going to be on TV and the whole world will be watching the show about Beebe Bluff of Bluffington.

I included this screen shot instead of the one with the astronauts and the alien because Doug imagines mountain climbers on Mt. Everest would be dressed like Santa, and what else would you do after such a dangerous climb than watch crappy television. Anyway, the can opener is tossed into the trash with the model rocket and the Tell Tale Heart.

Doug approaches Al and Moo next. They suggest doing the book report on The Time Machine. They have one he could use.

They demonstrate.

Doug is impressed and asked how it works. Al tries to bring Moo back but the handle breaks.

So he pushes the time machine across the floor to reveal a hiding spot beneath.

And that's the end of that idea. It would have been great for TV, really. It's a simple illusion. The biggest problem would have been the lack of a hole in the classroom floor, not the flimsy handle. That could easily be replaced. Anyway, Doug didn't make it and he didn't read The Time Machine, so it's probably better this way.

On his way home, Doug sees everyone working on their book report and it makes him feel worse, but he's got another stack of books to choose from.

He actually drops most of the stack and gets an idea from the last one he's holding. I guess he could have saved a lot of trouble if he'd actually looked at the books he was picking up and just stopped at the first one. Back at the hardware store, the clerk helps him with a few supplies. After assembling a costume, he tests his new book report on Judy.

She's just sitting in her room, trying to read, when Doug starts playing a disco parody of Stayin' Alive and dancing and flashing lights. No warning. She asks him what the book is about. He says, "I don't know, but here's the cover."

She says you can't report a book by its cover. He says he doesn't have time to read it and demands help with the choreography. She declines and says he's going to get an F. He has a fantasy that's a weird sort of short Disco failure of the opening credits of the show.

In his room, Doug says, "so what if I didn't read the book I'm doing my report on? What choice do I have?" Porkchop has a few ideas.

Doug dismisses the can opener and the rocket ship because he didn't read them as much as he didn't read Disco Flu.

"Sure, I read that, but everybody else's reports are so exciting, I'll look like a doof on TV."

The next day, some people are struggling to get their book reports inside. Willie White can't get through the front door without falling in the suit of armor. Roger and Beebe are both trying to get multiple moving vans to park in one regular-sized space, as if they're trying to prove they're both dumb as shit.

Beebe struts into class and everyone else acts like regular assholes trying to get into the shot.

Skunky tells Doug he's got a great report about Roger's autobiography. Doug tells him that Roger is doing his report about his own autobiography and points out the actors and trailer set outside, crushing Skunky's dream. So now, let's get to the reports.

Standing next to the suit of armor, Willie White says he was going to wear the armor but he kept falling down. Before he can finish saying his report is on King Arthur, the armor falls onto him. Boomer is doing his report on Little Women.

"They were so little, they were afraid of ants."

Ned's report is about H.G. Wells' The Invisible Man.

He just walks outside the classroom and says, "I am the invisible man." Considering the whole class was trying to come up with something to compete with Beebe's Treasure Island, I don't know how to thoroughly describe Ned's complete and total failure.

Here's Connie rocking out a song about The Scarlet Letter.

Patti gives a basic description of a black hole and uses an over-powered vacuum.

It sucks in her shitty solar system mobile and starts sucking in the rest of the class.

Fentruck read a book about his native country and attempted to demonstrate one of their customs where they chase a hog. Luckily, when he opens the crate containing the dangerous wild animal, it is merely annoyed, turns around, and lays back down.

Skeeter does his report on The Complete Works of Sigmund Freud. He is the ego!

And the Super Ego!

And the Id.

In the end, I don't think Skeeter gets enough credit for this report.

Ms. Kristal then says something about stepping outside for Beebe's report. Beebe says, "forget it," and points out the window. Her Treasure Island is sinking into her swimming pool. Ms. Kristal tells her she can just discuss the book, but she says, "no, I'm too upset. Besides I didn't read it." Roger takes this opportunity to lead everyone outside to watch his report.

But of course there's a problem. His actors are on strike.

Why didn't he pay them? Why doesn't he just pay them now? Ms. Kristal tells him to just tell us about his book and he says he didn't read it. It's a book about him that's supposed to be an autobiography and he just told his teacher he didn't fucking read it. Skunky steps up and says he read it.

Skunky finally figured it out. When everyone else is so focused on the presentation that they don't read their books, you rebel by reading a book, especially if it can barely be called a book.

So, it's finally time for Doug to present his book report.

Immediately, Roger is critical and Beebe is bored. Ms. Kristal quiets them and Doug begins.

Everyone really gets into it, and they all start imagining they're in the story. Doug stops just short of telling them the ending, and suggests they read it themselves. It's just three pages.

Beebe gets annoyed that the camera man isn't focused on her while the class cheers for Doug's presentation. Doug gets a well-deserved A.

He gave a great presentation of something he actually read. It's a quite a stretch to call Tell Tale Heart a book, but considering the reports his classmates did on books they didn't read, Ms. Kristal had to have been thrilled with anyone that actually read anything.

This episode ends on the actor playing Doug in the autobiography of Roger Klotz for some reason. Previously, when Roger needed them most, they were on strike because he hadn't paid them. Now that the book reports are over, he's apparently paying them and continuing the rehearsal or whatever it is they are doing.

"Dear journal,
It's me, Doug. Today I learned something really good for me and it made me a better person and that something is blah blah blah blah blah!"

Roger's ghostwriter really nailed Doug's character.

Episode 18: Doug Gets a Roommate

2016-04-07T09:32:00.000-07:00

It's a slow day in the Thicket of Solitude.

Quailman is relaxing and admiring his own adventures in the Quailman comics.

After finishing this first comic, remarking on how he loves that he won again, he ponders over which comic he should read next. Quailman vs. the Anvil-Head? Quailman takes on the Lumpy Squad? I'd love to read these comics, or maybe one about how Quailman doesn't have a villain to beat up, so he just sits around reading comics about himself. But suddenly, the Quail Call ruins a perfect day.

Over at the Quail Monitor, Quailman sees that Patti and her dog are sinking in the swamp! Quailman and Quaildog quickly fly over to the swamp, but it's a trap!

The robots grab them and the swamp flips over to dump them into a dungeon. Guess who is behind this fiendish plot! It's Doctor Rubbersuit!

Naturally, it's just another Roger character. He's got a terrible surprise for Quailman, because what sort of villain would he be if he didn't have some implement of torture?

Our heroes sit there worrying about what horror awaits them. They don't try to use their quail powers to escape or anything. A wall of the dungeon slides away and the torture arrives with a greeting.

"Hey, Doug."

The episode begins with Doug complaining about Ned's stupid pranks. In shop class, Skeeter watches Doug finish a bird hotel.

The glue just needs to dry and it will be finished. Unfortunately, jerk ass Ned walks over and bumps the table, causing the bird hotel to collapse.

In the boy's locker room, Doug is taking a shower. The water goes off once Doug gets his head covered in shampoo. Doug starts blindly reaching for the faucet handle, calling for help. Ned creeps up behind him and asks, "looking for this?"

Jerk ass.

At lunch, Roger and Ned start a food fight with each other. In spite of the fact that they are sitting across the table from each other, they can't actually hit each other. Ned throws some mashed potatoes.

Roger ducks and they hit Doug.

Everyone thinks this is really funny. Doug says, "I can't wait to see the day when Ned Cauphee gets his!" Skeeter tells him to look on the bright side, which is apparently that the mashed potatoes aren't buttered. Doug replies, "I wish something rotten would happen to Ned. Then he'd know how it feels."

Patti says, "maybe you could just talk to Ned and tell him how you feel." Doug stomps over to Ned to confront him.

But he is thrown off guard when Ned immediately apologizes. Doug is naturally surprised.

"I completely forgot the gravy!"

Jerk ass.

Patti asks if Doug is okay, but Skeeter notices that snow has started falling. In a normal school in a normal town, this would mean everyone would just sit in class, hoping they'd get to go home early. In Bluffington, they all just immediately run outside.

"Holy shit! Fuck school! Frozen water is falling out of the sky!"

Skeeter happily catches a snowflake on his tongue.

Oh, but it's not snow. Doug catches some and notices it's actually ash. Then two firetrucks drive past them and Skunky tells them there's a huge fire over on Mumbo St.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "well, there's no snow and they were just having lunch at school. If there's no snow, surely they'll have to go back to school. They have to finish the rest of the day." Wrong. They just run over to watch the fire.

Doug says it looks like there's more fire than house now. Patti asks, "wouldn't it be just awful if your house burnt down?"

Skeeter asks, "and all your stuff burned up?"

Doug has that fantasy. His house is on fire and his family is just standing on the sidewalk watching it. No fire fighters are working to put it out. Doug runs up and they tell him they were able to save some of his stuff. They saved his journal.

Doug takes the journal from Phil but it turns to ashes in his hands.

After the fantasy, Doug says he feels sorry for these people and that he wouldn't wish this on his worst enemy. That's when Ned runs past him shouting for his family and exclaiming that that's his house.

Doug's earlier words echo in his head. "Ned Cauphee! Someday you'll get yours, and I can't wait to see it!"

"What have I done?"

At home, Doug's family is trying to get him to realize the fire wasn't his fault.

Judy just mocks him. Theda tells him to put together a care package for Ned. Maybe giving that jerk ass some things he needs now that everything he owned is destroyed will make you feel better. So, that's what he starts doing. He starts showing Phil some of the things he found for Ned.

Meanwhile, Theda is having an ominous conversation on the phone.

She's saying things like "it's no problem at all." If Doug or Phil was paying attention to her, they might not be so surprised by what she says after hanging up the phone.

She says she has good news. She says it's especially good news for Doug. This gets him excited.

"Since all twelve Cauphee kids are temporarily out of their home, our neighborhood is volunteering to play host to them."
Doug asks, "so what's the good news?" Doug is so dumb.

"I volunteered to let Ned stay with US for a week!"

In this fantasy, the Funnie family are in the trenches. They're getting heavily bombed.

They don't seem to have a way to fight back. Doug, as the obvious leader of this family, says, "we have to face it! We're licked! There's only one thing left to do! Anybody have a white flag?"

They all have white flags. So Doug takes a white flag and starts to say "we surrender" but he gets hit in the head with some food. Suddenly he's in the kitchen.

Ned offers him some gravy.

After the fantasy, Doug is frantically preparing for Ned's week long stay. He's wrapping anything breakable in bubble wrap and making Porkchop wear a hard hat.

I want an episode where Doug buys Porkchop a hard hat. What circumstances led him to buying it? Where did he buy it? Was it the hardware store or the pet store? Did he have to special order it?

Theda thinks Doug is overreacting. She says they've known the Cauphees for years. She asks Phil for confirmation of this, and he slowly realizes that yes, they have known them for years. He also realizes that Doug is correct, and handing off the baby to Theda, he immediately goes to the china cabinet and locks it.

Theda says they're both acting silly. Then, for reasons of exposition, she says, "besides, we're going to Grandma Funnie's on Sunday!" Doug imagines what this will be like.

Theda points out that Ned is only staying until Saturday, and Doug re-imagines his grandmother's house uncollapsing. He says he can put up with anything for a week. On cue, the Cauphee's drive up, honking the horn of their antique car. Now we get a better look at Ned's family and it isn't good.

As Theda said earlier, he's got 11 siblings. They aren't well behaved and we might as well blame their father for that.

He's a loud mouthed guy making jokes you're not sure you're supposed to laugh at. Like, Phil asks him how he's doing, and quickly apologizes because obviously he's doing terrible because his house burned down, but then he makes a joke about his house burning down and like, would you laugh at that? Like, "HAHAHAHA! YEAH YOUR HOUSE BURNED DOWN! THAT SURE IS FUNNY!" I mean, kudos to him for not letting it get him down, but a little social awareness would go a long way here.

Anyway, Ted has to ask Phil which kid he's dropping off because keeping track of 12 kids is fucking difficult. When Phil says it's Ned, he says to keep an eye on him because he's the wild one. Then something happens off screen that indicates a small explosion and fire and then there's smoke, so it's hardly a mystery what happened to their house.

"And they want a dog," Ted said, derisively.

Inside, Ned starts walking around the living room, feeling things like he's looking for something to throw or break or have sex with.

After finding the china cabinet locked, he asks about some vases on the mantle above the fireplace. Phil quickly grabs both of them.

Ned moves to the piano and hits a key a few times before Doug slams the fallboard over the keys.

Theda is upset with the way Doug is behaving. He apologizes but says she always told him the piano isn't a toy. She offers Ned dinner.

At dinner, Ned says, "I've never had salad like that before." Judy expresses disbelief that his family doesn't eat salad. He replies, "nope, just not fast enough." Ned is doing a Gomer Pyle thing, but like if Gomer Pyle was also just a jerk ass.

Meanwhile, Ned is surprised there's more food after the salad. Theda offers him some creamy mashed potatoes.

Doug immediately panics.

The whole scene of Ned getting some mashed potatoes is a mini horror film that takes place in Doug's traumatized perception of reality.

Going to need some gravy for those mashed potatoes, Ned.

Naturally, Ned doesn't assault Doug with the mashed potatoes. He loads up a plate, smothers them with gravy, eats them swiftly, then licks the plate clean.

Doug thinks Ned is being very clever. He thinks Ned is too smart to do anything in front of his parents.

At bedtime, Judy walks into the bathroom to find Ned brushing his teeth. She asks if he's almost finished and he says he is, then offers her the toothpaste. Doug hears the exchange from the hall and mistakes Ned's intentions. He tackles Ned and they both fall into the inexplicably full bath tub, splashing water everywhere.

Doug tries to explain that Ned was going to "blast her with toothpaste." Judy says he was just handing it to her. Doug feels like an idiot.

Ned gets out of the tub saying this is just like his house where he gets blamed for everything. Doug finally starts to wonder if he's just wrong about Ned. "Maybe he just needed a chance."

Ned is furiously staring at the ceiling. Doug tries to get him to talk. He hopes the bed is comfortable. He mentions how hard it must be to sleep knowing all your stuff burned up. Desperate, Doug tries a sock puppet.

This is Socky. I don't know why Doug thought this was a good idea. Ned doesn't respond. Doug/Socky sings a song, trying to cheer him up.

"Oh, maybe things look kind of blue but at least you don't live in a shoe like Sooocky! That's me! I'm Sock-sock-socky Socky!"

Doug says, "I'm not sure, but I think Socky made Ned feel a little more at home." Doug is dumb.

The next day at school, Ms. Kristal wants a volunteer to read a poem to the class, as that was their assignment for today. No one steps forward. Roger throws a paper ball at Doug.

Doug stupidly stands up, shouts, "hey!" and stands in front of his desk.

Standing facing the class, Ms. Kristal completely missed the flying paper ball and mistook Doug's actions to mean that he was volunteering. Embarrassed, Doug admits that he didn't prepare for the assignment. Roger stands up and says he's got a poem. His goons join him at the front of the class.

They all have sock puppets and sing Doug's stupid Socky song and this is supposed to humiliate Doug somehow. I mean, it works. Doug is thoroughly embarrassed, but why? The rest of the class has no context for why this should be embarrassing for Doug and at worst they're just confused as to why this is happening. They might ask Doug what that was all about and he could honestly say, "oh, Ned is staying at my house because...you know...and I tried to cheer him up with that stupid song but what am I? A child psychologist? The guy's a jerk ass, I let him sleep in my bed, and he's still just a jerk ass. I'm sorry his house burned down, but he was a jerk ass before that happened and he's a jerk ass still."

And for good measure, he's some more examples of him being a jerk ass.

Here he is tearing off days on Doug's desk calendar. Why? Because he's looking for his birthday. Jerk ass. I didn't get a screenshot, but the whole family is trying to watch television but they let him have the remote and he's just flipping through channels randomly like a jerk ass. Then there's this horrible thing he calls his secret recipe that includes a steak, some stinky cheese, and yogurt among other things.

Doug wasn't quick enough to point out that he forgot the cover.

Have to assume that only a jerk ass could blend something without the cover and direct the resulting mess in such a manner.

Doug plops down onto the sofa next to an equally exhausted Phil. Theda is on the phone, having another ominous conversation.

She was speaking with Ned's mother. They didn't have insurance. They are fucked. Ned will have to stay a little longer than a week. Doug and Phil are dismayed. Doug points out that this means Ned will have to come to Grandma Funnie's with them. Phil points out that her house is full of breakable stuff. He gets an idea and springs into action. First he calls the Skeeters'.

They can't watch Ned because their hands are already full with watching one of his shitty brothers. Patti's father is likewise annoyed with the Cauphee child he agreed to take care of.

As is Mr. Dink.

Ned informs them that the tv isn't working. Theda tells him that he's coming with them to Grandma Funnie's house. He's excited because "everything 'round here is busted."

On the way, Ned is wearing his sock puppet and singing annoying songs. Meanwhile, Mayor Dink is holding a town hall meeting to address the Cauphee problem.

The people are fed up with these awful kids. Something has to be done.

I want to know who handlebar mustache and trucker hat is. Is he just a concerned/angry citizen or is he the father of someone I should know? Can we have an episode about how he acquired his belt buckle?

Grandma Funnie is excited to meet Ned. She greets him warmly and promises a wonderful lunch. Once they've all sat down, she realizes she forgot the soup and asks him to fetch the big pot. Doug and Phil both offer to get it, fearing that Ned will Ned it up, but she insists that Ned doesn't mind.

And he really doesn't mind. He gets the pot and doesn't spill it or anything. It's almost like he's an actual person.

After lunch, Grandma Funnie asks Ned if he likes banana pudding. He tells her he doesn't (because, again, jerk ass). She asks him what kind of treat he likes and he says, "pollywogs."
"You mean the frogs?"
"They're made with peanut butter, raisins and bologna, but no one will ever make them for me."

So she makes some pollywogs and they're a hit. Phil especially enjoys them. Meanwhile, Mayor Dink is leading the mob.

Back at Grandma Funnie's, Ned starts attacking the piano again. Doug tries to stop him, but Grandma Funnie is having none of that. She says, "oh, he can't hurt it. Why, whenever I'm feeling bad, I like to come in here and give it a good pound!" Grandma Funnie really misses her husband. :(

"Why don't you give it a good pound, Neddy?"

Actually, he's just going to play it. Very well.

Meanwhile, the angry mob led by Mayor Dink has arrived. She turns and says, "okay, neighbors! We've got us a house to build!"

It seems heartwarming, but at some point they're going to realize the whole town got together to build the house out of anger. This whole town, including the mayor, hates their kids so much they got together and built a new fucking house to avoid dealing with the awful shits anymore. "Here's your fucking house," they're saying. "These shitty kids are, once again, your problem."

Anyway, at least Ned is having a good time. Grandma Funnie tells him he can practice piano at her place anytime. And here's Doug's takeaway from this experience.

"It was weird. Ned acted like a regular guy when grandma treated him like one."

What a concept.

When they get back to town, they found out the Cauphee's house has been rebuilt. It took the town one day. That's how angry they were. They couldn't put up with those shitty kids for one more night.

In the end, Doug says Ned was changed by the whole experience, but the only change he mentions is that Ned joined the marching band.

Nonsense.

Doug's Quailman adventure at the beginning of this episode seems to imply Roger is to blame for Ned's unwanted presence, like Roger burned down his house. Why is that the fantasy? Even when Roger is barely involved, he still gets the blame from Doug. If anything, the villain should be played by Ned, and instead of trapping him with a Patti robot in a swamp, he should have just moved into the Thicket of Solitude and set up camp. Come on, Doug. Make you quail-powered fantasies make sense, please.

Episode 17: Doug's Great Opportoonity

2016-03-16T08:05:00.000-07:00

We begin with a fantasy.

An unknown narrator (not Doug, but the narrator addresses Doug for failing to adequately act out his narration) tells us of a magic pen stuck in a stone.

Doug walks into the great void and King Arthur's the pen and then draws all of reality with it.

This fountain is the first thing I'd draw if I was made God too. And so what is the God King Arthur Doug to do with his new magic pen? Well, Patti's bicycle tire just popped, so he erases the flat and draws it back, good as new.

Beebe wants a new nose, so he draws her one. Skeeter wants an ice cream cone, so he draws one that reaches high into the sky. Roger just wants to buy the pen, and instead of just drawing another magic pen and giving that to him, Doug refuses.

As it turns out, being God isn't all it's cracked up to be. Beebe is upset after seeing her new nose in a hand mirror and Skeeter's impractical ice cream cone had only one logical conclusion.

The fantasy ends with the narrator trying to wrap it up positively, saying Doug learned his lesson, but the ice cream covered crowd tells him to can it while they advance on their shrunken God King Arthur Doug.

So, all of this is somehow about the student council elections. Roger is running for class treasurer. Ever the ethicist, Roger is offering free Red-Hot Spankeroos to anyone that will vote for him.

If they turn down the Red-Hot Spankeroos, he offers them cash. One kid says his mom won't let him eat candy, so Roger gives him five dollars. I imagine his mom wouldn't let him sell his vote either, but maybe she didn't realize she'd need to teach him about that while he was still in middle school.

Beebe is also running for class treasurer.

Unlike Roger, she's just concerned with the message her clothes portray. She's not in the halls, convincing people she'd be better than Roger. She's trying out different clothes and yelling at the unfortunate adults her father has presumably paid to help her find an outfit that says she's a tough leader.

Finally, Chalky is running unopposed for class president. I don't know why he's bothering with posters and this stupid trick to prove his ability to multitask.

Maybe their ballot will have an option to not have a president just to make sure Chalky, already busy with all his teams and clubs and bullshit, will have to entertain them in the halls to get the job no one else wants.

Anyway, Doug proudly points out they all need him because he's the one drawing all their campaign posters. Chalky hands him these posters and tells him to hang them in the gym and library.

Fuck Chalky, right here.
"Here, Chalky! I finished six more posters for you!"
"Wow, thanks Doug! I'm going to go impress people with a basketball, a soccer ball, and a football."
"Cool, Chalky! Well, I've got things to do."
"Here, hang this shit up!"
"Oh, but, I thought, you know...you could do it? Because like, I just spent hours drawing them for you. For free. And I don't even know why because no one is even running against you. No one is going to look at the ballot and see you're the only choice and say, 'WHO THE FUCK IS CHALKY!? Well, I'm not voting for some asshole I've never even heard of. Fuck him.' This was already a massive waste of my time. You want to continue this pointless charade, go right ahead. I'm done with you."

But no, that doesn't happen. Instead, Beebe approaches Doug with even more demands.

She wants him to draw that stupid hat on all her campaign posters. Before Doug can even shit his pants in protest of this extra pointless endeavor, Roger approaches and demands 500 more posters.

"Here! Have some Spankeroos!"

So, Doug's just standing in the hall when this adult stops and starts asking him questions.

He introduces himself as Guy Graham and basically he's the teacher-editor for the school newspaper and they need a cartoonist. He says, "the school newspaper needs a cartoonist with edge! A guy that knows the pen is funnier than the sword! A real leader's leader!"

And so another fantasy...

Doug Wallace holds back his army as the enemy army approaches. When they get close, he hastily pulls out a pen and paper and cartoons the shit out of the other army. The other army starts laughing and the battle is over.

Doug immediately suffers from writer's block. He can't think of a good, edgy cartoon. "Ideas don't just fall out of the sky and say hello."

"Hello!"

Here's a thing I forgot about. Their school isn't finished. There's loads of problems and basically, it is an uninhabitable death trap. After this sandwich wielding construction worker falls out of the ceiling, his co-worker informs Doug, "we're working on it." This will become a running gag.

In art class, Doug skips his assignment to work on his cartoon for the newspaper.

Skeeter finishes his hyper photo-realistic painting.

And he asks Doug how his work is coming...

Skeeter's not worried about Doug's writer's block. He says, "don't give up, man. You're a great cartoonist! Any second now, an idea will hit you right in the head."

The construction workers arrive, saying, "we're too busy to work on this," before handing out umbrellas. And Doug finally has an idea. I bet you can guess what it is.

On the way to his newspaper meeting, he shows Patti the cartoon. She laughs and says it's great. She tries to tell him something, but he interrupts her to point out the meaning of his brilliant cartoon. I guess he thought she didn't get it and she laughed to cover up how much she didn't understand it, or he just really wanted to reinforce what a brilliant cartoonist he is.

More interesting than Doug's obvious cartoon, Patti finally gets to tell him that her dad is the new history teacher at the school, so she's no longer going to be home schooled. On top of that, she has something to show him. She hands him one of the rolled up posters under her arm.

Mr. Graham asks Larry to write up a story about Patti running for president and he declines, saying he already has too much to do. Mr. Graham promptly sticks his fingers in his ears, says, "I can't hear you," and does that whole "la la la la" thing like a child.

Just like the editors at *Your Least Favorite News Source*.

Mr. Graham introduces Doug, then asks the girl in the picture below, "what's new, Sal?" She says she's reviewing the school play and loved it. He asks what play. She says they haven't decided yet. He is thrilled with this psychic angle. I suppose the drama department will be thrilled to know the pressure's off.

Finally, Doug gets to show off his cartoon. Mr. Graham laughs. The newspaper staff laughs. Mr. Graham says, "it's funny and to the point. But it doesn't quite uh, what's the word I'm looking for? Oh yeah, bounce!"

The newspaper staff agrees that it doesn't bounce. Mr. Graham suggests a few changes to use the power of the press to tell the kids who to vote for. He changes the character to Beebe along with a few other edits, and hands the cartoon back to Doug.

Apparently this has bounce, and the newspaper staff agrees that there is sufficient bounce. Doug is understandably confused. He asks, "you want me to do it about Beebe?"

"Hey! Whoever you want! You're the leader! The captain of comedy! The pharaoh of funny! The sultan of swat! No, that's Babe Ruth. I'm outta here!"

News of Doug's newfound power spreads quick. Roger grabs his books and Doug thinks he's just being a jerk.

Really, Roger's just offering to carry them so Doug will make a cartoon endorsement in his favor. Roger goes on to describe what the school will be like if Beebe is treasurer. Basically it's one of those shitty night clubs with a control freak bouncer that of course wouldn't let Doug in.

Roger comes along and says, "you can't deny kids their education based on what they wear!" So Beebe lets him in and the weird sort-of-fantasy ends. Roger offers Doug a check for an unspecified amount. Doug asks, "you're giving me a check?" somewhat incredulously, but Roger takes it to mean that it can be traced and he tears up the check and walks away promising to play Doug's game.

Next up, Beebe! She does the same thing Roger did, describing what school would be like if the opponent won.

They are obviously greatly overestimating the power they might obtain in the student council. In this one, Roger is just demanding that people pay to go to school. Beebe saves the day and pays for everyone. After the fantasy, she offers to double whatever Roger is willing to pay for his cartoon endorsement.

The next day, Doug finds a decent surprise in his locker.

This one is from Roger. Beebe takes care of his lunch, however, to swing his favor back the other way.

The waiter calls it "sauteed weenies flambé," which is of course just hot dogs set on fire. There's some ketchup. It's a pretty shitty bribe, but know your audience, I suppose. Doug loves it. If Beebe gave me that shit, Roger just won the competition.

After school, Roger's limousine is waiting for Doug.

But Beebe is there to whisk him away and give him a makeover. He first tries on some clothes she doesn't like. Then she likes this...

And he settles on something else entirely. Roger takes him straight from this place to Bluffco Motors across the street.

"So whatta you say, Funnie? I get the cartoon; you get the convertible!"
"Doesn't this thing go any faster?"

This is the most ridiculous. I guess it could be worse if they were actually driving the car, but how is this supposed to convince Doug? It's a car he couldn't afford the insurance on even if he was old enough to drive it, so instead he'll just sit in park while Roger's friends shake the car and make car noises and drag plants past him so it simulates movement. This could only work on Doug. No one else would be able to sit still and immerse themselves in the fantasy enough. To anyone else, this is more of a hassle than a bribe. That said, at least a car is more practical than a Fabergé eggs...

Or a dozen Fabergé eggs...

Roger gave him one, so Beebe gave him a dozen. Considering the amount of money they are apparently spending to bribe one person, neither one of them should be class treasurer.

So the next day, Doug calls Mr. Graham to inform him of his inability to make a decision. Mr. Graham isn't worried. "Your deadline isn't until tomorrow, Doug. Besides, a good leader doesn't decide until he has to."

I didn't feel like it was necessary to include the screen shot that revealed the fact that Doug called Mr. Graham while sitting right next to him. They're actually sitting at an assembly for all the candidates to give a speech. Chalky is droning on and on about what a great leader he is because he's the captain of this team or that club or whatever. It makes Doug wonder what Chalky could offer him for a favorable cartoon. He has a fantasy where he has tickets to the Super Duper Bowl. The announcers have to sit on top of some of the stadium lights, but Doug?

Doug gets to relax on the field.

After Chalky wraps up his speech about what a great leader he is, Patti finally gets a turn. She starts to say something about everyone working together to figure out who is responsible for their school's problems when the lights cut out and the construction workers say, "we're working on it."

At home, Doug finally sits down to make a decision. Is he going to go with Roger and the car?

Is he going to go with Beebe's promise to double anything Roger offers, which I guess would mean two cars?

Is he going to go with Chalky's amazing Super Duper Bowl seat, which is a thing he imagined entirely on his own and was never actually a bribe offered by Chalky?

Doug leans back and knocks a picture off the wall. It lands on his head and makes him realize the obvious choice.

Doug just can't get an idea unless it hits him on the head. Obviously, Patti is the one he really wants to impress. She didn't offer him anything for his endorsement, but why should that stop him from imagining what he'll get out of it?

Luckily, this is the ride to her inauguration and not a trip through Dallas. Patti expresses gratitude for his great effort to get her elected and asks how she could ever repay him. He says, "oh, I'm sure you'll think of something," then looks at the Lincoln Memorial. It changes.

The next day, Mr. Graham is pleased.

Roger is confused because "but...I look like Patti!" Beebe is pissed that Doug did a cartoon about Patti "after all the clothes? The dinners? Barbados‽"

I'm not quite sure what she means about Barbados. Did she take Doug to Barbados and Doug just didn't bother to include that in his journal? Anyway, Beebe takes the jacket and hat and Roger says he'll pick up the convertible later.

Finally, Doug finds Patti and shows her the cartoon.

Before she can even react, we see Doug's fantasy of her reaction. So, what's a creeper who's turned down a car, some clothes, and Barbados want in exchange for this ringing endorsement?

Just a hug. It is a cartoon for kids, after all...

Anyway, she likes the cartoon, but thinks his first cartoon was better. That one made her think a lot about the school's problems, which she then made her main issue. She asks if they can talk about it later because she's late for a speech.

She gives an inspiring speech to three nerds and Doug. The Chess/A.V. Club want to know what she will offer them in exchange for their support. Roger offered them new wizards and dragons chess sets among other things more expensive than that. These fucking nerds are useless. Patti is running for president. Roger is running for treasurer. If he offered you those things, then by all means vote for him over Beebe. Patti is running against Chalky, so after you check the box next to Roger Klotz, check the box next to Patti Mayonnaise.

Instead of pointing this out, Patti says the election shouldn't be about what they could give each other. That's not good leadership. Good leadership is about doing what's best for everyone. She promises to do what's best for everyone, and also encourage more girl membership in the Chess/A.V. Club. They are pleased, but Doug is somewhat embarrassed by his terrible leadership.

Doug rushes back to the newspaper room and tells Mr. Graham to stop the presses. He wants to change his cartoon because he submitted the Patti endorsement for the wrong reasons. Mr. Graham apologizes and says the paper goes to press at noon. Doug looks at the clock as it strikes noon, and dashes from the room to go to wherever they're printing the damn thing.

He runs down the hall, through the gym, down another hall (jumping over a construction worker), through the cafeteria, and into the Print Shop where he repeatedly yells, "STOP THE PRESSES!"

Larry asks him to say, "please." Then he points out that Doug should have said, "stop the mimeograph machine," because Larry is apparently a fucking pedant. Finally, he stops cranking the mimeograph machine and Mr. Graham and Sal hear it from the other room Doug just ran from.

Yeah, Doug ran all around the school to get to the next room over that was connected by a fucking door. Idiot.

Guy asks why Doug stopped the presses. Doug explains, "it shouldn't be up to a cartoon to decide who gets elected. It should be up to the students."

Guy Graham: "Hmmm...hey, whatever you say! You're the funny guy. I just work around here."
Larry: "Guy, if we change it, we can't have it out before the election."
Guy Graham: "Well if we can't pick who wins, what's the point?"
Doug: "Why don't we tell people who won?"
Guy Graham: "Brilliant! Love it! Print it!"
Larry: "Well that means working all weekend..."
Guy Graham: "Don't you think it's worth it?"
Larry: "Well...yeah..."
Guy Graham: "Great! See ya Monday! You know where to reach me!"
Larry: "But I don't know where to reach him."

Larry and Guy Graham should star in a movie together. They deserve each other.

Patti wins.

The Chess/A.V. Club gladly takes credit because she won by three votes. It's good she convinced them not to vote for Roger for president or the election would have been a tie.

Patti's first decision as President is to make Chalky the Vice President. If she ever gets assassinated, he'll finally have the power he doesn't get from being captain or president of all the teams and clubs in the school. Beebe beat Roger too, of course.

I say, "of course," as if there's any reason at all to vote for either of them over the other. They're both useless and their classmates would be better off without a treasurer. Beebe immediately spent the student council budget on the new school mascot costume.

The Big Beebe will be the most popular Halloween costume this year.

In the end, they ran the first cartoon Doug drew. One of the construction workers reads it and laughs so much he starts stomping his foot, which makes the floor collapse below him. He laughs, looks around and says, "hey! I'm workin' on it!" The school is so poorly constructed, even a seemingly finished floor can collapse under minor stress. Beebe's father is a shitty person. He clearly hired the worst crew to use to cheapest supplies. Fuck him.

And fuck Guy Graham too. For obvious reasons.

Now we can all sit back and hope that the lesson Doug learned about power and leadership and not taking bribes really sticks before he ever comes into real power where the acceptance of bribes would actually be a crime.

Episode 14: Doug Gets His Wish

2016-03-09T07:55:00.000-08:00

"Dear Journal, I think I'll go to a movie."

Phil stops Doug on the way out the door and asks if he's finished all his homework.

Doug lies and says he only has a little left and he'll finish it after dinner. In line for the movie, Skeeter asks him if he's sure he has time for this. "Ehh, I've got all weekend."

Presumably, we're now at the weekend when Doug walks into the house and says, "well, that's it. The lawn's mowed. The trash is out. The only thing left is...homework."

Phil was writing a letter when his son came to him and asked if there were anymore chores he could do. Homework sucks, right?

One sure way to make homework suck more than it already does is to stack it as high as possible, so as to make it seem like an insurmountable bunch of bullshit. Doug wonders aloud why he couldn't have a teacher that assigned less homework. The camera pans over and Skeeter is Rod Serling.

"Witness a simple request from an overworked boy. A plea every bit as heartfelt as it is dangerous. For in a moment or two, Doug Funnie of Jumbo Street, Bluffington, will find out that some things aren't as easy as they seem, as he becomes the latest applicant to a school known as..."

"Skeet, what are you doing?"

You probably thought this was a classic Doug fantasy. I did. It's not.

While Doug was finishing his chores and looking for more chores to do, his best friend put on a suit and hid in his room until he had an opportunity to impersonate Rod Serling. How often does Skeeter do this? Has Skeeter been hiding and waiting all this time? How does Skeeter finish his own homework if he spends all his time hiding out in Doug's room waiting for a Rod Serling moment? Is Doug just hallucinating and he can no longer tell the difference between fantasy and reality?

Presumably Skeeter distracted Doug enough that he couldn't finish his homework, because he's still working on it while he's running to school. Thanks a lot, Skeeter. Doug finally runs out of excuses and sits down to get started and you fucking ruined it.

Doug says there's always a lot of homework for Ms. Kristal's class because she really gets into it. What follows is a montage of her reading and acting out various books or plays.

Doug says he's still trying to figure out how she flew around the room.

For Moby Dick and Kidnapped, she splashed the class with a lot of water. For 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, she attempted to drown them, apparently.

And here she is reading Animal Farm.

Yeah, she's a great teacher. While she's doing her Animal Farm thing, Willie White sneaks into the classroom and sits next to Roger. They start laughing, presumably about his tardiness, and Ms. Kristal notices. She asks where Willie's been and Roger says, "fishing, probably." She doubts this and gives Willie a chance to give her a perfectly reasonable excuse for being late. Before he can think of a lie, Principal Ex-Mayor White announces over the intercom:

"Attention Ms. Kristal's class: this is your ex-Mayor Principal White. My son Willie was a little late this morning because he was fis...hahaha, I mean, helping his dad. Now, back to...whatever it is you do."

Back to Animal Farm, Ms. Kristal asks a pretty basic question and calls on Willie for the answer. He wasn't paying attention, and might not have been able to answer it even if he was, so he gives a dumb answer and everyone laughs at him.

The bell rings shortly after this and the class starts to leave. She reminds them of their homework. They have to memorize at least 10 lines of a poem to recite next week. She holds Willie back for a private chat.

She asks if he can think of any reason why he's having trouble keeping up with the work. He says, "well, for one thing, that story could never happen! No way! It's impossible for animals to take over a farm, unless they had like a bazooka, or if they were some kind of transformer animals that could turn into a 4-wheel drive vehicle. Now THAT would make sense!"

Would it really, Willie? How much sense do you think that would make, Willie? 7.5? 8? 8 sense, Willie!? WILLIE!?

Meanwhile, Doug and Skeeter are searching for their poems in the library. Skeeter finds one called "A Really Really Long Esoteric Poem." Doug again wishes they had a teacher that assigned less homework. Then he finds the perfect book.

Why all this emphasis on the overall length of the poem? She said they had to memorize 10 lines to recite. She didn't say, "memorize 10 lines from a poem unless you find a poem that is less than 10 lines then you can recite that one." Grab any book, turn to any page, pick any section of 10 lines, and start memorizing them any way that works best for you.

In Principal White's office, Principal ex-Mayor Bob White is upset that he apparently has to go to a parent/teacher conference.

After explaining what a parent/teacher conference is (to the principal!), Willie explains that the conference has to happen because he wouldn't read "some dumb fairy tale." Principal ex-Mayor White is disgusted at this because his son is too old to be reading fairy tales. He says, "you're old enough to be reading comic books by now!"

That's when Willie points out that he'd be reading comics if he could get them back. Principal ex-Mayor Bob White is a comic book reader, and he hogs his son's comics apparently. So they wrestle for the one on the principal's desk.

If I ever have a kid, I'm going to end up with similar problems.

Willie finally gets his father on his side by saying, "I heard she didn't vote for you in the last election."

"Of course, it can't be all Willie's fault. He understands the material well enough when he studies. Can you think of anything that might be affecting Willie's performance in class?"

That was all she said before Principal White fired her. It sucks. I would have really enjoyed seeing his reaction when she stopped beating around the bush and flat out accused her boss of being a shitty parent.

The class is naturally shocked to hear that Principal White is their new teacher. Connie asks, "what happened to Ms. Kristal?"

"That's a very good question," he replied before picking up a copy of Great Expectations, flipping through it, and dropping it the trash. Bob White is not a subtle man.

So, what's he going to teach?

Comics, of course. The class seems pleased, though I can't imagine why. Listening to someone read a comic book seems dreadful. If they had their own copies, yeah, maybe, but they certainly weren't prepared for this nonsense today. Fortunately, their homework is to get their own copy and read it for tomorrow.

In the hall, Doug asks Skeeter how they could fire Ms. Kristal. Willie interrupts and says it's because she's a bad teacher. Skeeter is outraged.

The next day, Skeeter is trying to collect signatures for a petition to get Ms. Kristal back. Connie and Beebe refuse because she gave so much work and Principal White is so easy.

Chalky is grateful for the academic break and doesn't want to go back to having so much homework. Skunky, having apparently signed it earlier, wants his signature removed for no stated reason. After school, Skeeter says, "maaaaan. The only people who signed my petition are you and me and I don't think you can sign for Porkchop, Doug."

Straight into the trash.

In class, Principal White catches Skeeter reading Lord of the Flies and tells him he can't read religious material in this class.

Then he catches Doug drawing a Quailman comic and gets excited.

The Heavers' class is disrupted by a lot of outside noise and the angry Mr. Heaver investigates. When he opens the door to Doug's class, he's immediately hit in the face with a few balls of paper.

He demands to know where their teacher is. Principal White speaks up.

At lunch, Skeeter points out that Patti is lucky she's doing home school.

She kindly points out that Principal White is busy, and he'll eventually be too busy to teach a class so he'll have to hire a new teacher.

The next day, the class is sitting silently while Principal White reads the comic to himself.

Connie interrupts him to point out he stopped reading aloud a few minutes earlier. Before he can resume reading aloud, a man opens the classroom door to tell him the press is here to see him. He leaves to "tell the press what a magnificent job I'm doing," but not before putting Willie in charge.

So, that's the end of his teaching attempt.

In the class, Willie tries to get everyone to shut up. Skeeter tries to rally everyone to start chanting for the return of Ms. Kristal.

They aren't having it. Willie makes a really dumb speech about how they're the ones that have been doing all the work and the teachers are getting paid for it and he hasn't learned anything and let's give the teachers homework! It's really stupid, but all the kids except Skeeter (with Doug quickly following) fall for it.

In a call back to the beginning of the episode, Doug is leaving the house when Phil asks, "don't you have homework?"

"No, dad. Not a lick."

It is somewhat troubling that one of Doug's teachers was replaced by the dumbest kid in class and his parents don't know about it, but I guess it is also not surprising considering Bob White is the principal. Still, you'd think Skeeter might have gone around to the parents when he was trying the petition, but I don't know. The smartest kid in the class, now burdened by an abundance of free time, just threw his petition in the trash after failing to get his classmates to sign, as if anyone really gives a shit what kids want.

So, now Willie is the teacher. Roger skips class for roller coasters...

...and Willie marks him as present. He may not be a real teacher, and he may not have lesson plans, but he'll be goddamned if he's not going to do roll-call.

Skeeter is the only one that's really annoyed by this whole situation. Doug refuses to be worried. Skeeter points out that all the other teachers are acting funny around Willie.

In band, Willie walks in late and criticizes the song they're playing. They quickly stop playing and move on to the next song.

That night. Doug is shopping for his mom when this happens.

Ms. Kristal offers to help and Doug is actually excited to see her.

Leaving the store, he tells her that everyone really misses her, especially Skeeter.

The next day, Doug starts telling Skeeter he was thinking about what he said ("about how great it would be to join the Ice Frolics?") about Ms. Kristal. Before he can elaborate, Ned interrupts and says, "teacher wants to see ya."

In the most formal setting Willie probably knows, they have a student/teacher conference to confront Doug. Ned saw him talking to Ms. Kristal last night, and they naturally assumed he was planning something to depose Willie.

Skeeter says Doug is allowed to talk to whoever he wants because it's a free country. Willie disagrees. Skeeter says, "it's true! It's in the constitution. I'd lend you a copy to read but there aren't any pictures in it!"

Thoroughly embarrassed by this sick burn, with his friends laughing at him, Willie says, "oh! You think that's funny? Well, you're dispended from school!" Later, at Mr. Swirly, Skeeter points out that the worst thing about this is "dispended" isn't even a word.

After the dispension of Skeeter, things get worse. Willie becomes a little sexist tyrant, forcing Beebe to feed him pie...

...and Connie to clean his locker...

He makes Fentruck walk backwards for a whole day. He switches instruments in band. He even wrote his own pledge.

Finally, the rest of the kids catch up to Skeeter.

Except maybe Patti, who was probably already there. I don't know, since they didn't consult her after her prediction came true in the most ridiculous and horrible way possible. She's just there, looking at the camera/us like, "I can't believe it took this long for my friends to realize all of this. I can't wait to get out of this dumb town."

Anyway, they're all agreeing that something must be done when Skeeter says, "if only we could show people what a good teacher Ms. Kristal was." This gives Doug an idea and he asks Mayor Dink to bring up Ms. Kristal's case at the school board meeting.

I don't see why this is necessary at all. If Mayor Dink has any pull at all, and as she's portrayed as the new competent leader the town needed after that dreadful Bob White, all he'd really need to do was tell her what happened and wait. Surely she'd make a phone call or two, Bob White would be fired for having his idiot son teach a class (among other things) and Ms. Kristal would be rehired. At least, that's what would happen in a normal town full of people capable of making the most basic decisions.

Anyway, at the school board meeting, Principal White defends his decision to fire Ms. Kristal on the grounds that Willie didn't learn anything and she didn't vote for him. Mayor Dink says you can't fire someone for the way they vote. He says he can. Doug stands up to interject his own thoughts.

Before Doug gets to say anything, Principal White says he was just joking about what he just said. The truth is he was concerned about the education of future voters like his son. Willie reiterates his point that he didn't learn anything. Doug again tries to speak and Principal White sort of freaks out for a second. I will never understand why the people of Bluffington put up with him.

Anyway, Doug just wants to ask Willie a question.

Doug says, "I just wanna ask Willie if he remembers back in the fall, when Ms. Kristal taught us that book about that sea captain named, uhh...Moby Dick! The one who, uhh, craved fish sticks?"

"Uhhh, that's not right!"

"The whale is Moby Dick, doof! And the captain guy's name is Captain Ahab!" Willie winks at Boomer and Ned, who laugh because they think Doug is the one being stupid here. To really drive home his point, Doug asks Willie about Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, deliberately getting the whole plot wrong to bait Willie into pointing out the true plot and allegorical meaning of the plot.

Principal White is shocked to discover that Willie learned all that from Ms. Kristal. Mayor Dink calls her a miracle worker, which is a decent compliment for Ms. Kristal and a pretty ruthless insult to Willie. Anyway, I guess they give Ms. Kristal her job back or whatever.

Everyone is thrilled, even Patti, though it doesn't really make a difference to her education. Maybe she's just a fan of publicly humiliating the White family.

Ms. Kristal returns to work and everyone is happy.

Well, everyone except maybe Roger. Willie, totally surprised by his own capability, now enjoys learning.

Here he is scolding Roger for reading a comic book in class. Doug says he ended up tutoring the whole gang. Finally, Mayor Dink apparently asked Ms. Kristal to add a student to her class.

Why? Why didn't they just fire him? What would this shithead have to do to get fired? During the "I fired her because she didn't vote for me and then I took over her class until I didn't have enough time and just put my son in charge and also while I was teaching, we were really only reading comic books" school board meeting, they found no legitimate reason to fire this incompetent man-child? Bluffington.

Doug finishes up his journal entry by saying he's excited to have homework to finish.

This excitement won't last. He's a procrastinator. He'll get through that top book, maybe, before he starts finding excuses. The episode ends with more Skeeter as Rod Serling, so I guess with a lot of homework, Skeeter quickly gets bored and occupies himself by distracting his best friend.

So that's it. Doug doesn't have a single fantasy in this episode. He even draws some Quailman and we don't get to see it play out in his head. This episode is Doug telling his journal, "I'm not crazy. Everyone else is crazy." Even Skeeter, though he's the loudest champion of sanity in the town, creeps into Doug's room to Twilight Zone the shit out of him twice.

Now, I haven't done this in quite a while, but here's my favorite extra character for this episode.

With his amazing mustache, his bicycle hat, and his Craw shirt, this random school board hearing attendee is everything you ~~don't~~ want to be! I want a show about this guy.

Episode 12: Doug's Movie Madness

2016-03-02T00:33:00.000-08:00

Doug and Skeeter are bored. They're tossing a football around, and neither of them can think of anything to do. A commercial quickly grabs their attention, because it almost isn't even an episode of Doug unless something on television triggers the plot.

This time it's a commercial for a new movie called Targetman. Targetman looks like a shitty mess. Targetman's catch phrase is "dead on." The commercial says it has the highest body count in movie history. There's a scene where Targetman shoots a few buildings in half to apparently make them collapse onto his enemies. The whole commercial is explosions, guns firing, motorcycles and robots and...it's just looks like a shitty mess. Naturally, Doug and Skeeter can't wait to see it.

So, this episode is weird. I'm going to blame Doug's unreliable narration for the weirdness. The commercial specifically mentions that Targetman is coming soon. Throughout, as you'll see, some people talk about Targetman as if they can't wait until it comes out, while others talk about it as if they've already seen it.

The day after seeing the commercial, Doug is walking to school and says, "for some reason, I couldn't stop thinking about Targetman." On his way, he is overwhelmed with advertising for the movie. There's ads on buses, billboards, a blimp shaped like a gun, and this man selling bullet hole donuts in a really quite shitty Targetman costume.

At school, Doug and Skeeter are the only people dressed in their normal clothes. Everyone else is wearing Targetman shit. Connie says it's the greatest movie ever because the star is such a hunk.

Get it, Connie.

Skunky says, "no, man. It's because Targetman is the dude with 'tude."

Roger says, "it's the coolest because Inside Entertainment said it had the highest weekend grosses all month!"

Beebe says, "no, it's because tickets cost twice as much as any movie ever!"

Doug ends this exceedingly dumb argument by saying, "I can't wait to see it because Targetman is dead on!" Everyone joins him when he says "dead on" and it's like a moment between them. They'll remember it forever, especially Skunky. It's all downhill from here for him.

And this is where the episode really starts the weirdness. Skeeter asks the group if they heard about the best scene in the movie. He begins, "Targetman, a really good looking fellow, is trapped in a burning building by about a gillion bad guys."

What happens in the scene isn't important. Some things explode. Some shots are fired. Things happen and if this is the best scene in the movie, the movie is incomprehensible garbage. What's important here is that Skeeter is Targetman in this scene. Why?

After Skeeter's description of the scene, everyone says in unison, "wow, dead on!"

In Shop class, Doug and Skeeter keep discussing the movie and the Messrs Heaver chime in with their own opinions on the movie. One is for it and one is against it. There's no need to discuss this scene further.

In Band class, there's just no set up for this at all. We aren't shown what prompted the teacher to start shouting about how it's a great picture. That is just how the scene starts.

This is how he looks before he says, "Targetman's such a good looking fellow!"

The contents of this scene are a little more important than when Skeeter was Targetman, because they're actually pretty creepy. So, Targetman is surrounded by enemies and he yells, "DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY!" They immediately start doing pushups and before you can ask, "what is going to happen in twenty seconds when the massive army of bad guy finishes doing twenty pushups?" a previously unseen woman steps up to Band Director Targetman and says, "kiss me, Target." Then we fade back into reality, the band director blushes and shudders creepily.

Skeeter says, "maybe this isn't such a great movie after all."

Later at Mr. Swirly, Al and Moo are playing with Targetman action figures.

Skeeter and Doug approach them because Targetman. Skeeter asks where they got the action figures. One of them replies, "they're free with every family values pack." The other brother then describes the coolest scene, where Targetman and his sidekick, Other Guy, have to find the codeword to open a fireproof vault.

And again, the characters are replaced with the person/people describing the scene. Again, the scene is not important. There's a cheese joke, a pi/pie joke, and Targetman and Other Guy survive.

On the way home, Skeeter and Doug start pretending they're fighting like they're in a movie they haven't seen yet.

They end up on the ground as Patti walks up. She asks if they're alright and Skeeter replies, "sure. We're just doin' Targetman stuff." Doug asks if she's going to see it this weekend.

She replies, "I don't think so. Doesn't sound like my kind of movie."

Doug, smart as ever, says, "must be too mature for her," then he restarts the mature Targetman stuff he and Skeeter were engaging in before she so rudely interrupted with her immaturity.

A few seconds later they split up, heading for home. Doug then runs into Roger and his goons. Boomer bets Doug hasn't seen the movie yet.

Roger taunts him because he probably has to ask mommy and daddy for permission. Doug fights back, arguing that Roger probably has to ask his parents too. Roger says, "get a clue. My dad's a clown. He's lived in Bloatsburg for 6 years!" Doug apologizes for forgetting his parents are divorced. Roger says he doesn't care because at least he'll get to see the movie.

At dinner, Doug tells everyone that he'll be seeing the movie with Skeeter on Saturday.

Judy rants about the movie being a macho, mysoginist explosion fest, and Doug doesn't understand her point. Phil and Theda chime in, saying they've actually researched this movie because they knew he would want to see it, and they think it's just far too violent and mature for him to see it. This must be the one time this year where they feel obligated to be responsible parents. Doug is pissed.

In his room, after punching his pillow several times, Doug lays on his bed and has his own Targetman fantasy. In this one, a media pundit has captured the president, strapped him to a rocket, and is threatening to push the button that will launch the rocket.

The fantasy doesn't go into how or why he'd be launching the rocket from inside the Oval Office, but that's where they are so just go with it. Finally we get to the Doug part. It's actually a musical. Three singers sing something I can't make out. Doug sings, "I'm big. I'm Doug. I'm big Dougman."

He's not Targetman? He's Dougman? Before Dougman can save the president, Theda stops him because it's nap time.

Doug is pissed because they're treating him like a baby.

"They haven't even seen the movie. How can they say it's bad? And what about freedom of speech? What about my first amendment rights? What does this country stand for if I can't go see Targetman?" Porkchop doesn't want to hear any of this shit. Doug determines to go settle this with his parents right now.

Doug marches over to his parents room where they are preparing for the baby and listening to talk radio.

They're listening to Bob White's show.

Before Doug embarrasses himself by confronting his parents with bad arguments, he hears that Bob White's show today is about Targetman and they're taking calls. Doug is brilliant...

He says his name is Steve and he says, "as a person with a really mature outlook on life, everyone should let their kids see Targetman. I mean, how else are they going to make mature judgements about mature stuff and grow up to be really mature...like me?"

Then Judy interrupts.

She needs Doug to hang up the phone because she needs to schedule an important rehearsal. Judy is the worst. Not that Doug was making a great argument that would have convinced even his shitty parents, but Judy doesn't really need to use the phone right now. It could wait a few minutes. Fuck off, Judy. Anyway, nothing really comes of this scene. Phil and Theda hear the whole thing over the radio and they're just mildly confused by it.

The next scene might be my favorite in the Disney series so far. At Roger's house, the doorbell ring and he runs down the starts yelling, "alright! Dad's here!"

He opens the door, saying, "heya, big clown!"

Yes, Roger's dad is actually a clown. Earlier, when he said he was a clown that lived in Bloatsburg, you might have thought this was just a kid's show's way of having Roger call his father a fucking asshole, but you might have been wrong.

There's just so much going on in this scene. It's probably the most tragic scene in the entire series. His father has been living in Bloatsburg for 6 years. He comments on how much Roger has grown, indicating that he really hasn't seen him often. He's sort of a deadbeat. Yet he makes his living as a clown, which really, is there any purpose for a clown other than to entertain children (at least, the children that aren't frightened of clowns)? He makes jokes throughout, presumably so Roger doesn't have time to ask real questions like, "how come you don't come around more often?" or "how can you make a living entertaining children while abandoning me?" Instead, he gets a surrealist joke and a balloon animal. Like he's 5 years old. He suggests they go see Targetman and his dad says he heard it's pretty violent before suggesting another movie. Roger dismisses the other movie as a kids' movie. His dad says he'd have to go see it himself first, to make sure it's appropriate for someone Roger's age.

Back at the Funnies', Doug has an idea so dumb only a twelve year old kid could come up with it. "Well, Porkchop, if they won't listen to me, I won't talk to them?"

Phil tries to show Doug a new rocking chair he bought for Theda, then asks for the seat cushion. Doug is defiant and refuses to speak, but Phil finds the cushion on his own and thanks Doug for the help, completely unaware of the attempted cold shoulder. Doug counts this as a success.

Back at Roger's mansion, his father is back with a knock knock joke, which goes like this:

Knock knock
Who's there?
No way in the
No way in the who
No way in the world you're going to see Targetman. It's incredibly violent!

We could argue all day whether knock knock jokes are actually funny, but they're supposed to be, and if they aren't, they'd at least better be clever in some way. This one just reinforces the fact that Roger's dad is a fucking asshole. I mean, it takes a lot of balls for someone who has been apparently absent for 6 years to try to play the good dad while dropping bad news disguised as a shitty knock knock joke. Just fuck off, clown.

Back at the Funnies', Doug gets to try the silent treatment on Theda.

He bumps into her in the hallway. She's carrying a tray of what she called Peanut Butter Turkey Toes. Doug turns his back to her and chuckles to himself, thinking he's won another fight. When he turns back, she stuffs a peanut butter turkey toe into his mouth and walks away, completely unaware of Doug's defiance. This makes Doug realize the silent treatment isn't working. So he goes to Mr. Dink to get a second opinion.

He asks if Mr. Dink thinks he's grown up enough to make decisions. The big takeaway from this conversation is "mature is as mature does." Also, Mr. Dink doesn't think Doug should see Targetman.

At dinner, Doug gets everyone's attention to apologize for his previous immaturity. From now on, he's a new, more mature Doug.

I just want to know what they're eating for dinner.

After dinner, Doug washes the dishes.

When Theda thanks him for cleaning them, he says, "I'm not sure my reflection is clear enough. Should I do them again?"

Later, Phil enters his room, which is now very clean, and compliments him on a job well done. Doug says it looks a little more mature this way. Meanwhile, he's brushing the fuck out of Porkchop's head, which he presumably thinks also makes him look mature.

The next day, he's mowing the lawn. Phil thanks him for this but points out it was just mowed a couple days ago.

He also organized Phil's workbench. He's really going out of his way to prove how mature he is. It doesn't matter. At dinner, Theda compliments him on his newfound maturity. Phil says, "and the most mature thing of all, is that you haven't even mentioned Targetman. We're very proud that you realized it's just a movie."

Doug would have realized his plan was going to backfire if he was actually mature enough to see the movie.

Here's the gun blimp I mentioned earlier.

Right now, it's hovering above Doug's house. A speaker on the blimp says, "Targetman: Not Just a Movie." It's like a new form of creepy spy marketing. Doug laments the time he wasted acting mature. He calls Skeeter and tells him to come over tomorrow so they can go see Targetman. Why not just meet at the theater? Because...

The next day, Doug sees a group of kids out his window. They are marching down the sidewalk chanting, "Targetman. Targetman. Targetman." The marketing for this movie is bizarre and offensive. Doug experiences this old trope and I don't feel I need to tell you which side wins the argument.

Finally, Skeeter arrives and almost reveals their true plans for the day. I don't know why Doug didn't tell him his parents wouldn't let him see the movie. Parenting tip: if your kid ever stops his best friend mid-word, like this...

...and then makes up a lie about where they're going like, "park...MALL! Where they're having a thing...CONTEST! Charity! Very mature! Wholesome! Good for us!" just go ahead and ground your kid to save the time. Also, check around your home for cameras, because you are clearly part of a sitcom where obvious lies are not so obvious for the sake of keeping the story going.

As you can see, the teenager working the box office is more interested in reading his magazine. Doug asks for two tickets and he asks, "are you over 17 or accompanied by a parent?" Doug and Skeeter stammer and don't even have time to make up a shitty lie before the shitty teenager hands over two tickets. Before they walk into the theater, they witness Roger being dragged out by his shitty father.

Seeing this, Doug and Skeeter question their decision to see the movie. At this point, two kids that are quite younger than them run by singing the Targetman theme song. This resets their resolve.

Throughout the movie, as it continues to be too much for them to take, Doug and Skeeter sink more and more into their seats. By the end, they regret seeing the movie.

At dinner, Theda asks if he had a good time at that vague charity thing he did in the park. He says he did. She starts to reply when the hallucination begins.

"That's nice dear. Are you..." *unintelligible monster noises*

"AAAAHHHHHHHH!"

At this point, Doug wakes up in bed screaming. I don't know if the dinner scene was a real hallucination or a just a dream or possibly both. His parents enter his room and Theda asks, "are you alright, dear?" He says he wishes he'd never seen that movie.

"What movie, Doug?"

The next day, Doug is sugarcoating the lesson he learned.

"The movie was lousy, it cost too much, and it gave me...nightmares...but at least it tought me a valuable lesson in maturity. I've decided to take on a bit more responsibility around the house."

Patti and Skeeter see right through this and acknowledge the fact that he's grounded.

What do you make of the scenes of the movie where Targetman is played by the character describing the scene? I think, as we're still reliant on Doug as narrator, that it's weird as fuck that he imagines the person describing the scene as the protagonist in the scene. I don't know what that is. The hallucinations and/or dream he has after seeing the movie seem to be PTSD, at least in the way it's become its own tv trope. I really have no experience and minimal knowledge on actual PTSD, but this is pretty much exactly how it is always shown on television.

Episode 6: Doug: A Limited Corporation

2016-02-24T00:10:00.000-08:00

Bad news, everyone!

The Beets are breaking up. This episode begins with Doug watching a commercial for their farewell tour. The band fights so much they have to have four separate stages.

Throughout the commercial, they're fighting each other for the mic, or throwing instruments at each other. Shots of the crowd imply happy customers. This must be what they were expecting from the farewell tour, however I can't imagine why this would make anyone happy. Maybe the fans are expected to watch this shit show as a way to come to terms with the break up. They aren't cheering for their favorite band so much as enthusiastically agreeing with the four members for wanting nothing to do with each other. Either way, Doug is excited. He rushes off to his room to reveal that he has a wall safe behind a painting. There appears to be only one thing in the safe.

It's a money bank shaped like The Beets' logo. Saying, "well guys, I guess it's time to break up the act," Doug promptly smashes the money bank to reveal the worst.

He's broke. Tickets for the concert go on sale next week. He might have been better off trying to sell that collectible, officially licensed The Beets money bank. Maybe he could have saved his money by not buying both the money bank and the wall safe. Maybe he should go ask his dad for financial advice, or maybe for just the money for another money bank so he can have somewhere to put money when he starts saving money for the tickets.

When he first asks for ticket money, Phil is looking at bills. Phil quickly shuts him down by saying, "money doesn't grow on trees. And speaking of trees, babies don't grow on them either. I don't think we ever finished our little talk. You see, when a man and a woman, uh..."
"But dad, I already know all that!"
"You do?"
"You explained it to me that time I wanted to enter that stupid puzzle contest. And when I wanted that really expensive skateboard. I know money doesn't grow on trees!"

Doug begs his father to make an exception this one time because it's The Beets farewell tour. Phil, perhaps relieved that he doesn't have to educate his son about sex, suggests he get a job. He immediately fantasizes about being able to get two tickets so he could take Patti.

Outside, Doug wonders out loud, "but what kind of job could I get?" Porkchop has an idea.

Thankfully, Doug dismisses this idea immediately. He says, "that works about as often as breaking a piggy bank." He needs a real job, something like this totally unrealistic fantasy where he hosts The Up Real Late Show.

It's a very basic David Letterman parody with Skeeter as Paul Shaffer, and the only question he asks before the fantasy is over is "can you get me some free tickets?" After the fantasy, Doug says, "on the other hand, it might be months before I get a talk show." This is unfortunately the end of his thoughts on this matter. I would have enjoyed watching Doug try to get a talk show. Theda has a much more practical idea.

"What about Grandma Funnie? Maybe she could use an assistant at her craft shop after school, Douglas."

Judy craps on the idea because Grandma Edna's Craftee Shoppee is not hip.

Not pictured: Hip

"Judy was probably right about Grandma Edna's Craftee Shoppee. It certainly wasn't as cool as having your own talk show."

At this point, Doug lets us know that failing to get tickets doesn't really mean he can't see the concert. It's an open air venue, and you can sit on Founders Hill.

It's not ideal, but neither is paying any amount of money to watch four adults fight so much they can't even play a song together to make their commercials look like their farewell tour won't be a total waste of time and money.

Meanwhile at Mr. Swirly's, Roger breaks a computer for failing to answer a question so simple you shouldn't need a computer to figure it out.

Then he coolly asks Patti if she's got a date to the concert yet. She says, "maybe I'm not going with anyone. People can go to concerts by themselves, you know." Roger takes the hint, shits on it, and then asks if she'll go with him. She asks if she can think about it.

As Doug is walking into the restaurant, Roger tells her, "chop chop, little missy. Concert's expensive. But I bet it's a sell out. Of course you could always go with Funnie here and sit on top of Mt. Loser." Connie, ever helpful, says Doug would never ask Patti to do something that dumb. As that was unfortunately what Doug was about to do, and because no one had called him about hosting his own talk show, it was going to be Grandma Edna's Craftee Shopee.

Grandma Edna is excited too. She says she doesn't want to make a fortune, and then points out her motto, which is this.

She says, "I just want to have a nice place for my home girls to hang."

Now, as Doug is a terribly unreliable narrator, it's difficult to say how much time has passed since Doug first started working for his grandmother and when his first pay day was. We know that tickets are going on sale "next week" but it could be Sunday of this week when he saw the commercial, Monday of this week when he started working, and Friday of next week that tickets go on sale. It's possible his first pay day was Friday of this week but it hardly matters because this is all bullshit.

She apologizes and says it's been a slow week. She'll pay him next week. Doug reflects on the fact that this amounted to the same result as smashing his money bank. This triggers a fantasy where he escorts Patti to the concert, hands the ticket guy two I.O.U.s, and starts strutting into the venue while Patti boasts that she told everyone they were going. The ticket guy calls him out and the fantasy ends with an embarrassed Doug and annoyed Patti up on Founders Hill, where someone has placed a terribly unhelpful sign.

The next day (I guess?) Doug and Skeeter go to the local comic book store to browse. I don't know how this is supposed to help Doug afford tickets. If anything, he's just going to find something else he can't buy. Roger is there buying up all The Beets comics. Skeeter says he heard that Roger plans to buy a whole row of seats for the concert so he can stretch out. Roger inquires about a new impulse item at the counter called "Scum." The cashier explains that it's just green slime. It doesn't do anything. It's just green slime. Roger promptly throws it in Doug's face.

Then he buys a dozen. The cashier says it costs $5. Skeeter says, "$5 for that junk? Man I wish I had that kind of money." Somehow, this whole exchange gives Doug a great idea. Having just heard that the rich spendthrift kid is well-stocked on Scum, and his best friend doesn't have $5 he could just throw away on slime, Doug gets the brilliant idea to convince his grandmother to start selling Scum. It is a testament to senility that, after consulting with her friends on the matter, she agrees to give Doug a little more say so in the operation of the store.

It's not just Scum though. He introduces all sorts of stupid crap that his friends would buy. So, there's toys and other shit that really aren't worth mentioning.

We don't get to see his paycheck this time, but there is this curious bit where he has one of those stupid thermometers fundraisers use to show how far they are from the goal. His grandmother gives him his paycheck and he walks over and fills in the rest of it.

Given that his last paycheck was an I.O.U. and his money bank contained an I.O.U., I'm going to assume that Doug doesn't know how these thermometer things are supposed to motivate you and he just really likes coloring shit red.

Finally, Grandma Edna tells Doug she has some concerns about the shop. Before she can make him feel bad for ruining her quiet place for her friends, Doug says, "I know what you're thinking and you're right. 'Grandma Edna's Craftee Shoppee' just isn't cutting it as a store name anymore." Doug has a suggestion.

"The Scum-Pit" just barely beat out "Fuck You, Grandma" in the focus group.

Without finishing this terrible conversation he started about changing the name, or even pretending to give a shit about his grandmothers actual concerns, Doug rushes off to get in line for tickets. At the box office he finds Skunky in a tent, who says he's been there for three weeks to insure primo seats. Doug promptly lines up behind him. Skunky is dumb as shit.

Finally, the box office opens and the cashier asks, "cash or charge?"
Skunky replies, "huh? Dummer, dude. Forgot my money." He then promptly walks away because he is dumb as shit.

Doug asks for two tickets, front row, center. Skeeter, behind him in line, pronounces, "Wow! Great tickets, man!" It's true because they glow.

Skeeter doesn't buy tickets himself. Roger basically curses the line and offers to buy Doug's tickets.

He says just the right things to push Doug's anxiety buttons. First, he points out he doesn't need two tickets. Why, he's not thinking of asking Mayonnaise to go with him, is he? Second, "no girl wants to go out with some guy they think is gonna try to borrow money from em." Third, poor man, "chicks want a guy to be rich, like me!"

"Even though he was completely wrong, I had this nagging feeling Roger might be, well...right."

Really, it's like Roger is the only one that understands Doug and he really gets off on screwing with him. So while Roger leaves in his limousine, Doug slips into paranoid fantasy.

Actually, this is off to a good start. They're both well dressed and excited to go on this apparent date. Unfortunately, she is totally turned off by Doug's bicycle. As Roger is standing there with his limousine, she hardly needs Doug's permission to ditch him.

Roger's offering her food and beverage and hot tub and being too forward by suggesting they skip the concert all together when a curious knocking occurs. They open the sunroof and Doug is there on a rope ladder. After rescuing Patti, he has the helicopter lower their couch onto the stage at the concert.

This completely insane fantasy leads Doug to inquire about the actual cost of renting a helicopter. Seeing the estimate, he faints.

He doesn't quite faint at the limousine rental place, but his reaction isn't much better. Skeeter helps him do the math and basically he won't make enough money in time to rent a limousine. He's thinking about selling the tickets to Roger after all since Patti won't want to go with someone who can't do better than a bicycle for transportation.

So lets take this moment to reflect on a thing or two.
1. He hasn't even asked Patti to go with him.
2. Actually, never mind. That's enough. He hasn't asked her and he's already making shitty excuses for her not to go with him. Excuses that she would never make, and honestly, if she was the type to make such excuses, would she really be someone he wanted to go with in the first place? It's this whole thing where he's completely in love with her but completely unaware of her character again. So really, he just likes her for her looks. It's merely a coincidence that she's a great person and he's completely unaware of that fact at every opportunity.

Anyway, while moaning about never being able to impress Patti the way Roger can, Doug watches a news report about Starbluffs, a Starbucks ripoff by Bill Bluff. The report about the new Starbluffs gives Doug an idea. Really, it is the same idea he had with Scum. Basically, there's a business in town selling crap that is over-priced. First it was $5 for green slim. Now it's $4 for coffee-flavored foam. Doug's big idea is to rip off these businesses. He runs the idea by Grandma Edna, who then runs it by her friends and they give it the go ahead. Here's where the real stupid happens. Selling Scum and other bullshit is fairly simple. This new rip-off idea required the equipment to turn Grandma Edna's Craftee Shoppee into a coffee shop too. This meant Grandma Edna needed to take out a loan.

NO!

So, they end up on the news. When I first watched this, I thought this news segment was going to be a fantasy with the sad reveal that the loan was a total disaster, but it's real. The store has been bafflingly renamed "Ednaesque." They have Skunky out on the sidewalk in a cappuccino costume and you wonder if Skunky is getting paid the same as Doug. The place seems to be a hit.

After the news reporter is finished, Doug comes out to give Skunky some tips on being "fluffy and foamy." When Doug isn't looking, Skunky accidentally/blindly walks into the back of a moving truck, setting up a running gag through the rest of the episode where he gets completely lost, then picked up by one of The Beets looking for a gimmick for their solo career, then carried back to Bluffington to be lowered onto the stage during The Beets' performance. Just wanted to get that out of the way now.

"In all the excitement of putting together the perfect date, I almost forgot the most important thing." Right you are, Doug. Here he is practicing asking out Patti on Skeeter.

After Skeeter gives his approval of the question, Patti enter's Mr. Swirly's and walks over to them. Skeeter quickly exits the scene to give them some privacy because he's a good friend.

Doug tells her he has a question but before he can ask, his cell phone rings.

I know what you're thinking, and yeah, like...when did Doug get a cell phone? Who is paying for that? I can't say I know what a monthly bill on a cell phone was when this aired, but surely a month or two of service could have been sacrificed to pay for Beets tickets.

Anyway, Grandma Edna is calling because Skunky is missing. I've already covered this. Doug hangs up and tells Patti he has to go but he has a surprise. He asks if she's going to the concert with anyone, she answers with a confused "no," and he responds, "great! Perfect!" He then swiftly leaves.

A week away from the concert, Doug reflects on how great everything is going. His tickets are still glowing. Skunky is still missing. He's lined up everything to make it a perfect night...

...except that he still hasn't technically asked Patti.

Suddenly, or somehow not already, Starbluffs opens across the street.

Doug found out about this by a commercial on the television playing in Ednaesque. Before the commercial, his store was packed. After the commercial, empty. The citizens of Bluffington are basically mindless. There's an old Lewis Black routine about a Starbucks that was across the street from another Starbucks, and this is worse than that. Doug's version of Starbucks had toys and craft supplies. It was fun. Literally everyone in the store abandoned them the minute a place without the fun across the street opened. Doug reassures Grandma Edna that Starbluffs was just a dumb fad.

On the day of the concert, Doug sees how wrong he was. Starbluffs' line is out the door and he has no customers. In fact, repo-men are there for the coffee equipment. Doug takes his stupid thermometer fundraiser poster and throws it in the trash, saying he has enough money to put the shop back the way it was. He apologizes to his grandmother and she is surprisingly cool with him destroying her credit. She says no one could have predicted this and he lived up to his responsibilities. Crazy is often hereditary.

As they're finishing fixing the shop, Doug asks Skeeter if they paid everyone. Skeeter says that they just made it after he used the little money he had saved to pay off the Scum guy. Doug realizes what this means and feels terrible that Skeeter won't get to go to the concert now. Unfortunately, before Doug can come to the logical conclusion of taking his best friend, the person that introduced him to The Beets, Skeeter notices there's one more person that needs to be paid. Doug forgot to pay the movers. Skeeter suggests asking Grandma Edna to pay the movers, but Doug knows what he has to do.

So obviously, Doug sold his tickets to Roger. Guess who agreed to go to the concert with Roger.

As they're sitting in their front row seats, Patti wonders out loud where Doug is sitting. Roger explains the situation and she is not pleased.

At first, Doug is a little upset that she's there. He did everything to get her that ticket (except, of course, ask her if she even wanted it) and he insists that she get back down there and enjoy the show. She explains that concerts aren't really about where you sit, but who you're sitting with. She also mentions she gave the ticket to someone who didn't have one (Skeeter).

So Doug and Patti have a great time on a curiously empty hill. I mean, if everyone knows you can watch concerts for free from this hill, and it's a sold out show, the hill should be crowded. Not that it matters, really. I might as well complain that the moon is never actually that big in the sky.

I know I haven't written a post in almost two years, but you know how life goes, right? I could explain the circumstances but what difference is that really going to make? As I am still alive and I still have more Disney episodes (and the movie), I'm going to try to get to them now that I have the time to do so.

Episode 20: Doug's Minor Catastrophe

2014-04-21T21:59:00.000-07:00

This episode begins, as they sometimes do, with Doug watching television. He sees a commercial for a product called Nic-Nacs. Apparently Nic-Nacs help you relax. Like cigarettes, minors can't buy them.

In one of his more observant moments, Doug seems bothered by the fact that Nic-Nacs are advertised during his show, which is apparently called Captain Cavity. I would love to know what this show is about. Presumably it's just a superhero dentist that gets his power from candy, but it's also possibly about a cruise ship's resident proctologist taking over after the ship's original captain got drunk and fell overboard. I would watch either show gladly.

Sometime later, Doug and Skeeter are shopping at a convenience store when Roger starts acting like every minor buying something illegally in every show where that's ever happened. Try to throw off the clerk by mentioning the other adult things you need to buy, then casually mention you want 200 Nic-Nacs. The clerk asks to see some identification. Roger's got that covered.

Or should I say, Cornelius has that covered?

This is the worst fake ID ever made. I'm surprised the picture is actually Roger. Like, when did "NOTFAKE ID CORP" take over the whole licensing process and make IDs the size of post cards? This must be what the clerk was thinking after Roger left with 200 Nic-Nacs.

At school, Doug wonders what Roger plans to do with all those Nic-Nacs. Skeeter says he looked pretty nervous and he must want to relax a lot. Roger shows up with a briefcase and offers to sell them for a dollar.

Doug asks how he can sell them for a dollar when they only cost 60 cents at the store. Roger points out that Doug doesn't have an ID, so he can't buy them at the store anyway.

After school, Roger is sitting outside with his briefcase open, waiting for all his new customers to throw their money at him. No one notices him.

Doug asks him how his plan is going and he says, "it's like nobody realizes they're not supposed to have them." This gives him a plan. The next day he goes to Principal White and tells him a sob story about other kids eating Nic-Nacs.

Principal White, while using Nic-Nacs, promptly makes an announcement to the entire school. Just say no to Nic-Nacs. After school, Roger's business is booming.

Roger will later go to college, graduate with a double major in business and psychology, and make billions selling whatever the hell he wants. Or he'll just grow and sell weed. Who knows? I don't think he cares either way.

Watching the buying frenzy, Doug has a reasonably clever idea for a cartoon for the school newspaper.

The editor, a dude named Guy, fucking loves it. He laughs and everyone laughs and Doug is happy. Until Guy gives him one small note. "Lose the picture, dump the caption and make it an article." He wants 4 columns and it should be more positive. Guy is a shithead. Doug tries to protest by pointing out that Nic-Nacs aren't safe, but Guy has his own shithead dismissals of that silly fact. He points to race cars and asks Doug if they're safe. He points to two kids jumping into and swimming in a quarry and asks Doug if that's safe. He points to some French guy approaching a girl he's never met and asks Doug if that's safe.

His reasoning is "nothing worth having in life is safe." I'm betting he's the guy that dies before high school graduation and everyone has to pretend they're sad instead of just indifferent. You know the guy I'm talking about. It sucks he died, but none of us really liked him because he was a bit of a jerk with no redeemable qualities. Maybe he would have changed some after high school, but instead he did something stupid and died so we'll never know, and the only thing we'll really miss is finding out if he ever became someone worth talking to at the 10 year reunion. Everyone but his closest friends will forget about him the next time one of their classmates dies, because the next one is always someone people actually liked. Anyway, that's Guy.

At Bluffco Industries, Mr. Bluff is playing racquetball while telling Mr. Dink what he needs for the new ad campaign for Nic-Nacs. They need a slogan to go along with the new character. Meet the Nic-Nac Yak.

This bald dude says, "he's edgy. He's sexy. He plays the guitar. We'll make action figures you can take home and dress up like cowboys or rock stars." Mr. Dink is not a fool. He asks who they intend to sell this shit to and the bald dude and Mr. Bluff promptly reply in unison, "adults." Mr. Dink points out that all this would be a great way to get kids to buy Nic-Nacs, if that weren't against the law. Mr. Bluff says Mr. Dink doesn't sound like he's being a team player. Mr. Dink replies that he is a team play, for "human kind." He tells them to write their own slogans and quits. Mr. Dink is kind of awesome.

At the park, Doug starts interviewing people for his article about how awesome Nic-Nacs are. All the kids at the park are popping those things in their mouths except Doug.

Connie says she likes them because they're so cool, relaxing and sophisticated. She then spits her latest Nic-Nac into her cup. I guess I should explain that Nic-Nacs are apparently some sort of star-shaped gummy that you chew for a minute and spit out. They are individually wrapped, so they're also very wasteful. Doug asks Al and Moo if they've tried Nic-Nacs and they freak out a little bit.

They said they never eat them. NEVER! Doug asks them why. They speak in code and run away without their ice cream. Mr. Swirly, or an employee wearing a fancy Mr. Swirly mask, doesn't care that his only customers ran away without paying. Roger approaches Doug and offers him a free sample of Nic-Nacs to try for his article. Doug doesn't want them, but takes them anyway.

After finishing his bullshit article, he shows it to the assistant editor of The Weekly Beebe, Sally.

Sally is unimpressed. Doug asks her what's wrong and she points to the Nic-Nacs he has on the table and asks if he'd try them. When he says, "no," she replies, "bingo." She takes him to the library and says the article doesn't say what Doug really thinks. Doug tries to say he's just writing what Guy wants and she's just like, "Guy, pfft." Because yeah. Guy is a shithead. She gives Doug an example of a reporter exposing the truth about something, and Doug is inspired to have a fantasy.

I'd watch this show. On this episode of Dougline, Doug is going to expose the truth about Nic-Nacs. He gets right to the meat of the story by interviewing the bald dude from earlier (at the racquetball game Doug wasn't at (so how does he know who this bald dude is?)). The bald guy is Ted Willackers (sp?). Here's how it goes:

Doug: Nic-Nacs. They aren't for kids. Are they in fact unsafe?
Ted: Oh no. Nic-Nacs are ju
D: Don't you intend to privateer a lot of booty for these products?
T: Beg your pardon, Doug?
D: Y'know! Bootle! Swag! Plunder! Aren't Nic-Nacs a plot by a bunch of scheming pirates!?
T: I don't know what you're talking about, matey. I...I mean...
D: MATEY!?

Doug then reaches through the satellite feed to unmask Mr. Ted Willackers as the filthy pirate that he is!

This has joined the ranks of my favorite fantasies.

After the fantasy, Doug is really inspired. He asks Sally how he's going to find the truth. She says that's the hard part, and that no one is just going to call him up and give him all the answers. At that moment, an inexplicably placed telephone in the library rings and Sally picks it up. It's for Doug. Someone, Al or Moo, tells him if he wants to know the truth about Nic-Nacs, he should be at the Sleech garage in one hour. Naturally, he shows up.

I love this bit. It's a spoof of the classic trope of the informant in a garage hiding his identity by shining a spotlight on the investigator and standing in the shadows. It does make Doug look exceedingly stupid though, as he's standing in the Sleech garage, so named because it is attached to Al and Moo's house, talking to two guys that sound exactly like Al and Moo, and he asks for their identity. They throw him a package of Nic-Nacs and tell him to read the ingredients.

"Flour. Gelatin. Menthol. Nicoglutinous Monopextorate!?" Doug has a fantasy.

In a hazmat suit, Doug breaks into the laboratory where nicoglutinous monopextorate is produced to steal it. He remarks into his voice recorder, "it is a green liquid."

Doug doesn't escape with the nicoglutinous monopextorate though. The guards shut his doorway out and tell him to hand it over. He throws it on the ground at the feet of one of the guards and a gas cloud surrounds the poor guy. When the cloud clears, the guard has been transformed into the Nic-Nac Yak. In reality, the secret about nicoglutinous monopextorate, while pretty horrible, is not as exciting as a pirate scheme to turn people into dancing anthropomorphic yaks. I mean, would anyone really care if middle school kids were turned into obnoxious corporate mascots? Would anyone even notice a difference?

After the fantasy, there's a short scene involving the B story about Mr. Dink. Since he's quit his job, he's taking the time to finally write a novel. He reads a few lines to Mrs. Dink, but it's shit. He can't write narrative. He can only write slogan.

Doug, being as naive as you'd expect him to be, calls up Bluffco Industries, tells them he's writing an article about how harmful nicoglutinous monopextorate can be, and they swiftly pick him up in a Bluffco Industries van to give him the grand tour.

First there's a 3d movie.

There's not so subtle flashes of blank screens with lame, blatant attempts at subliminal messaging. After the movie, there's a roller coaster.

Yes, as a part of the tour to sell of a harmful chemical, Bluffco Industries built a roller coaster and named it after the chemical. Nothing so fun could hurt anyone. They drop Doug off at school, all decked out in his free Nic-Nacs swag.

Before the corporate spokesman leaves, Doug asks him if nicoglutinous monopextorate is safe and the guy tells him to bring his friends to ride the roller coaster anytime. The van speeds away and Doug is satisfied. Until Sally asks him if the product is safe. He tries to explain but quickly realizes what's happened. He has another talk about journalism with Sally, and again she says something about how he can't just wait around and wait for calls to give him all the answers before a nearby payphone phone rings and yes, it's Al or Moo for Doug. They tell him to search the internet for side effects of NM (because I'm tired of fucking typing it and I already have Nic-Nacs on ctl-v).

Remember the early days of the internet?

Doug prints off a large amount of information about NM, and because Sally is helping him, nothing about the supermodel of the day. After they leave the library, she remarks on all the reading he has to do, and then invites him to a party. Apparently she's in 8th grade, so Doug realizes it's a big deal to be invited. Obviously, his reaction is basically, "fuck reading about some bullshit. PAAAAARRRTAAAAY!"

At the party, there's a lot of unsettling spitting sounds. Sally notices Roger and his briefcase and asks, "who invited him?" Guy apologizes. He invited Roger because he brings the Nic-Nacs. Sally could have just as easily been asking Doug who invited Guy. Roger gives Guy a free package of Nic-Nacs, and they start passing them around until someone offers one to Doug. Before Doug responds, Sally intervenes.

Doug, having used up all of his ability to be observant, spots Patti and Chalky talking across the room and imagines how the current situation might score points with his crush. Never mind the cool, smart older girl that clearly likes you, Doug. That girl that's clearly at the party with someone else will be impressed by your rejection of the current trendy bullshit.

Like this.

See? How could this go wrong?

Oh, unless Chalky and Patti are doing Nic-Nacs too.

That's not Patti being disgusted by Nic-Nacs. That's Patti mid-spit.

After this, instead of realizing this Sally girl is more his speed, Doug has a fantasy he's at some Nic-Nacs nightclub where the band is playing songs about Nic-Nacs and Patti and Skeeter are front-row, enjoying the shit out of some Nic-Nacs. Patti stops enjoying everything to confront Doug about his article about how Nic-Nacs are bad for you.

The anthropomorphic yaks at the club descend upon him and throw him outside, into a garbage can. He pleads to Patti to let him explain, but she yells back that he doesn't belong there.

At home, Doug struggles to write his article and begins hallucinating. First, Guy encourages him to make his article upbeat.

Then Al or Moo reminds him that Nic-Nacs are a threat to their very way of life.

Then Patti offers him some Nic-Nacs.

Doug gives up and throws his paper in the trash, because recycling isn't cool.

Meanwhile, the Dinks work out Mr. Dink's writing problem. He's not a man of many small words. He's a man of a few big words. Doug discovers this while sitting outside, basking in the sun and the glory of not writing an article that would paint him in an uncool light. Mr. Dink shows off his latest work.

He just writes the headlines. Doug asks him why he quit his old job. He's reluctant at first, but the thought of it gets him so angry he tells Doug he quit because they wanted him to help sell Nic-Nacs to kids. Doug finally gets inspired to do the right thing. On the second page of the long dot-matrix printout, he reads, "shows that nicoglutinous monopextorate can cause temporary juvenile oral paralysis." For some reason, he has to get out the dictionary for the word "paralysis."

He's shocked! Me too. I mean, really, they've got a product that temporary paralyzes the mouths of anyone under the age of 18 and made it illegal for them to purchase it? Fuck that. Give it out for free. Comes free with every movie ticket. Every plane ticket. Mandatory for all children everywhere!

So he writes the article and gives it to Guy. He starts explaining the contents of the article to Guy and gets no response. He gets upset with Guy's lack of response, so Guy tries to explain it to him, though he can't exactly speak.

Either because he's just fucking with Guy, or he's a fucking dumbass, Doug doesn't get it.

Hopefully he's just fucking with Guy, playing dumb to further frustrate the kid with the paralyzed mouth.

In the end, Doug's article gets printed in the school paper, and then in the Bluffington Gazette, thanks to Mr. Dink. Nic-Nacs swiftly fall out of fashion with the kids. Patti and Chalky are especially thankful for Doug's hard work.

Doug tries to gloat a bit, but Guy interrupts, trying to sell the next big stupid thing called Klankeroos, from the makers of Nic-Nacs. No one accepts. Not even Roger.

What's wrong with Al and Moo? I realize it would just make the episode a lot shorter, but there's no reason they couldn't just tell Doug what he needs to know.

And what's wrong with the adults in Bluffington? They've always been pretty damn useless, but here, the only one that even attempts to do anything is Principal White. It is a poor attempt. After that, the kids are all hanging out in the park, obviously using Nic-Nacs. Roger is blatantly selling them out of a briefcase in front of the school. Doug brings them to school. Everyone at Sally's party is doing them. Mr. Swirly's got his ice cream truck surrounded by kids popping Nic-Nacs and his only two customers are scared off by some shithead kid trying to write an article about how cool Nic-Nacs are. Fuck doing the right thing for the right reason. Call the cops on all those kids because they aren't buying ice cream from you. Mr. Dink quits his job so he doesn't help sell them to kids, but he could easily help Doug or the local newspaper with information about the company's attempts to market the product to kids. This is the best the town can do.

And Doug. Poor Doug. Sally is clearly what he should be chasing, instead of Patti. This is another example of Doug's idea of Patti being so unlike the real Patti that Doug should finally realize she's not right for him. He won't. He dwells on her so much he just can't see reality even when it spits on him and mocks him for a loser. Even then, he just wipes the spit off his face and prepares an umbrella called "fuck it" to guard against the mocking.