Conflict has a face!

Changing the Face of Conflict.

What was I thinking? I might as well put a bull’s eye on myself. After all, what if I don’t handle a potential conflict situation in the best way? Am I not just setting myself up for scrutiny? I am. And to be certain, I don’t handle potential conflict situations properly despite what I know. But that is why I’m for changing the face of conflict.

Conflict has numerous faces. Each tends to be rather distinct.

Anger. Envy. Jealousy. Cynicism. Sarcasm. These are only a few, but rest assured… they don’t go unrecognized on the outside.

Body language says it all. And there may be no more apparent an indicator than the face. It doesn’t lie.

This is why conflict management is so important. Conflict management isn’t about a facade to mask what we are feeling. It’s about treating conflict in a way that doesn’t allow it to get to us.

Can you do that? If not, then hop on for a ride!

So how do you feel about me?

Facebook status with a simple question: “How would you describe me in a single word?”

At the moment, none of my 706 Twitter followers have responded. Of my 1846 Facebook friends, only 31 or so attempted to answer the question. Several respondents did so in jest. I saw that coming too! Hah.

Conclusion? People either don’t know to respond because they haven’t been on Twitter or Facebook, for several possible reasons they might not care to respond, or they have no opinion.

Regardless of how many respond, or with what word they chose to respond, this is not the point. What then is it? Well my point is deeper.

As I thought about posting such a question, I found myself intrigued by the thought of discovering what people really thought about me. It was a strong sense of intrigue. But even more so than the intrigue I felt was there a sense of fear.

What… might… people… say? Did I really want to know?

Shoot, one commenter simply stated: “Boy you are asking for it!!!!!!!!!” She was right. I was.

But more than opening myself for scrutiny, I was actually searching for the honest truth. Why? Because I wonder if my assessment of myself is congruent with how others feel about me.

While on one hand, I know I cannot please everyone, nor should I try. On the other hand, what others think about us is important. Sure, people can be wrong about us, but it is also true that we can be wrong about ourselves.

My experiment, though, was doomed before it began. I knew going into it that there wasn’t much of a chance of someone who thought of me negatively actually posting it on my wall for everyone to see. Few and far between are the people who would be willing to be cast in such a light. But truth be told, I want people’s honest assessments.

Maybe I’m a glutton for punishment. I’ve been told that a time or two. But that really isn’t what’s at work here, either.

The fact is… if I can be wrong about others then I can be wrong about myself.

This is a powerful admission, but who wants to admit it?

Why do I not regret the change?

I get this question quite frequently. The answer is “No.” I don’t have a single regret leaving full-time preaching ministry. In fact, it may be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

I say this for those reading who are contemplating stepping away from preaching ministry because I know you are out there. You are torn. You are scared. You worry about what others might think.

I’m here to tell you that there is life on the other side.

That many have been duped into thinking that the only effective ministry is preaching ministry is unfortunate. I know people indeed work under this misconception because it was a burden once placed on me.

But I took the plunge, and may have salvaged many other aspects of my life because of it.

Here’s why I don’t regret my decision…

I made some people happy!

To be sure, your critics will be glad you are no longer preaching. For a while, I got emails from my critics stating that I wasn’t fit for the pulpit any longer. My decision to minister elsewhere was a blessing to them.

I also made my wife happy. The fishbowl our families get thrust into when we are involved in full-time preaching work is never mentioned as a part of the package but it’s always in the fine print. My wife and kids didn’t deserve some of the treatment they received. To have been moved from a fishbowl to open waters has been a blessing to us all!

I’m engaged in work people appreciate.

Don’t misunderstand me here. Preachers are appreciated. What I mean though is that when people ask me what I do now, they become intrigued. When I would tell people I was a preacher, they would generally become guarded. I think we all know why. In fact, many would become people they really weren’t. In my opinion, that is unfortunate. Now when I tell people what I do, I get amazement.

A few months ago I went back to my hometown for my 20th class reunion. I was amazed at how genuinely interested and intrigued my friends from “back in the day” were with the work I do. I wouldn’t exchange that for the world.

Kids matter! They are the future. Our world in 30 years will be shaped by the preteens Tisha and I work with now. What could be nobler work than affecting the world now for the sake of the future? I can tell by our donors this is a work they appreciate!

You don’t have to preach for a church to minister!

I alluded to this earlier, but I’ll reiterate it once more… You don’t have to preach for a church to minister!!!!!!! Was that stated clearly

Serving gravy at the NMCCH Pork Chop Breakfast

enough?

I work in an incredible environment with incredible people! This is a unique environment. I am somewhat insulated from a lot of things, but regardless of where we work we can minister to others.

I have a friend who left the pulpit and now works as a prison counselor. He’s doing what he could have never done while in preaching ministry. I would venture to say he feels like he’ s making a huge impact! I think he is. He is in the trenches, and is in a position to make an enduring impact.

One Last Thought…

The business model is working against the church. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:

Jesus didn’t die for a 501 C3 Non-Profit Organization!

It’s true! The first century church wasn’t dictated by a budget. It didn’t hire and fire ministers. I don’t think it voted to see who would become elders and deacons. From everything I can read, it didn’t operate like a business. But that is the norm today.

This became a major source of frustration for me. Criteria were crafted for helping people. It wasn’t “opportunity” based assistance (Galatians 6:10). There was too much worry about getting scammed. Who can feel good about telling someone, “Sorry… Can you come back another time and we might help you then?”

I’m not suggesting the business model is necessarily wrong. It’s a way for the church to function. But I’d contend the business model has hindered the church more than it has helped it, and I’m glad I’m no longer beholden to it.

Why have I been abandoned?

Many of the kids I work with are struggling with issues associated with abandonment.  The problem is many on the outside can’t see it. They suspect that a child’s behavior is the result of something else.

If a teen seeks validation from the opposite sex because of the absence of a father figure in their life, they might pursue such validation through sexual experimentation. It’s not necessarily the child is bad, or even that the child knows better. They often don’t.  They are just wanting love from the opposite sex but are going about it the wrong way. Too often, ignorance about a person’s history prevents us from making good decisions.

Sadly, a child doesn’t have to be placed in a children’s home to develop a sense of abandonment. Parents can ignore children who live with them. Overworked parents can lose their children and never realize it. And, of course, we all know the devastating effects divorces can have on children. Chasms between parents and children exist and a sense of abandonment is often the result.

Abandonment must be painful. Some have experienced it at home, maybe from an employer, or even a friend. You may have multiple wounds from it.

If a sense of abandonment is so painful, why would we ever want someone else to experience it from us?

Become more self-aware. Strive to not just be sympathetic, but instead seek to be empathetic. You might wind up seeing more than you would have ever imagined in another person for having done so.

I know where to start though. No matter who we deal with in life, I only have control over one. And while it may sound utopian, I’d like to think that if everyone thought about the ethical quality of their lives as they pertain to interpersonal relationships, specifically in living out towards others what we expect from others, then maybe we’d find issues of integrity and honesty working themselves out. But I must concede that this is, indeed, a utopian ideal. It is the height of all hypocrisy, though, for me to expect honesty from others while not being honest myself.

This being said, in the endless environments where interpersonal conflicts occur, there are some things I believe might force people to deal with one another in a more honest and transparent way.

• Hold people accountable. Most of us, if we are of a sound mind, don’t really care for conflict. But it’s the desire to avoid conflict that causes us to miss out on the opportunities to hold others accountable. Accountability isn’t being mean. It might be perceived that way, especially by those being held to count, but it shouldn’t be. Without accountability, the world would be a messed up place.
• Stick to the facts. It’s the dishonest person’s inability to deal with “facts” that tend to force them to venture in so many different directions. Facts don’t lie. So don’t take the bait they serve to lead you away from them.
• Gain confirmation. If something someone says doesn’t make sense or is contradictory, do your homework to gain confirmation. Don’t gossip, though. Find facts and stick to them. Then, hold people accountable if you are in the position to.
• Let go. Here’s the hardest part. People are going to do what people are going to do. They may be lying about you for a myriad of reasons, but only you can control how it will make you feel. If it’s not true, then let the overwhelming power of your honesty outweigh the lies of another. Light always overpowers darkness.

• Dishonest people think they are honest. It is a part of being self-deceived. If you’ve ever read Leadership and Self-Deception you’ll know what I mean.
• Dishonest people want you to trust them, but the moment you turn your back… well… you know what happens. Dishonest people command what they don’t deserve; they expect from others what they don’t issue themselves. Jesus called this kind of thing “hypocrisy.”
• Dishonest people are predictable. Dishonest people adhere to patterns of self-justifying coping methods. Generally, gossip and innuendo are fairly predictable patterns of behavior.
• Dishonest people work best in “he said… she said” situations. The reason needs no explanation.
• Dishonest people will say what is convenient at that moment, not thinking about how it might conflict with previous statements. For the sake of the moment, they will often deny what they said previously. People will do just about anything to “save face.” If that’s not a red flag then nothing is.
• Dishonest people have difficulty sticking on the subject of a discussion. To keep the heat off, they’d rather deal with things not-so-close to home, if you know what I mean.
• Dishonest people manipulate others. It’s a power thing, and untruth is strong form of manipulation. It’s the easy way to get the unfair advantage.
• Dishonest people look for ways around the system. Protocols exist for a reason. People who look for ways around protocols and procedures do so for a reason. You make the inference.

Feel free to add your own by commenting!

I once took a home economics class in high school. I think I did it because I figured there would be a lot of girls in the class, but it also could have been because I had little hopes that I’d find a female who would help take care of me. Regardless, I was either shallow or desperate, and I’m not certain which one was more telling.

Mrs. McKay was awesome, though. I actually loved the class.

Out of the same material, I made a pillow and a pair of shorts. Not bad, I thought. But it got better. She actually convinced me to make a cake for our county fair.

I remember the night I made it. I had to make a number of runs at it. I kept doing something wrong though. I was leaving out a crucial element. I actually think it was baking powder of all things. Naturally, my cake suffered as a result. With a bit of motherly intervention, I got it figured out. But that missing element frustrated the process in a significant way. A missing element will do that to you…every…single…time.

As I think about the frustration of that night, as well as other events in my life where there were key elements missing to things that made matters difficult for me, I am forced to think introspectively about some of the key, missing elements in my personal life.

I wish I could say there was only one, but I know there are more than that. But there is a BIG ONE, and I’m finally mustering up the courage to make a clarion call for it. The biggest missing element from my life, one I contend is holding me back the most, is… accountability.

In the past, I’ve been critical of others who’ve advocated for accountability partners. Some in certain religious movements seemingly abused it. Unfortunately, I was also critical of those who were advocating a healthy, constructive approach to holding one another accountable. Now I’ve come to my senses, and I see the pressing need for establishing accountability in our lives. In fact, there is biblical precedent for it.

“Therefore, confess your sins one to another and pray for one another, that you may be healed” (James 5:16).

Accountability is crucial to parenting, isn’t it. I hold my children accountable, so why wouldn’t it follow that at times I need to be held accountable? Interestingly, our kids have a way of doing that themselves in return.

Accountability is essential because it keeps us in check. It prevents hypocrisy. Maybe that’s why we don’t want accountability partners, after all? Accountability warrants someone else paying attention, being attuned to our lives, and we just can’t have that. But most importantly, accountability means someone else cares about us, and we probably can’t get enough of that!

There’s something about blogging that is delightful and intriguing. In no time, you are able to publish something that the entire world is capable of reading. There can’t be much cooler than that. Those aspiring to write, but who have no forum to do so, can be up and running in a matter of minutes.

That is only one side of the coin though. On the other side is an image that suggests it’s not all its cracked up to be.

Blogging has become its own living, breathing organism. Since I’m back in the dog ownership business, I can equate it to our beautiful Rhodesian Ridgeback, Spirit. And like a puppy you get for your kids, you can raise it up well or you can treat it so poorly that it becomes a major frustration.

There are guys out there like Jeff Goins, Brian Allain, and Robb Sutton who are, essentially, blog coaches. I’ve read blogging books by all three. They most assuredly know what they are doing, but with knowledge comes responsibility, and with responsibility come expectations. It’s the expectations, regardless of whether they are yours or that of another, that can make blogging so arduous and frustrating.

It’s one thing to be afforded the avenue to put something out for the entire world to see, but it’s another thing put stuff out there that others want to see. You see… That’s only part of what it takes to generate traffic. Consistency becomes another key, and that’s where a lot of us fall short. It’s been one of the myriad issues that have held me back for sure.

But I now feel it is time. For those who’ve sent me emails asking me if I’ve given up on blogging, I hope this is another step to that speaks to my resounding “No!” Thanks to the guys I cited above who are putting out tools to help. I’ve learned a lot from all three of you. My hope is to put forth a product worth reading.

Primary colors, though distinct and independent of one another, when put together create other colors. Yellow and blue make green. These are facts we know to be true. But to juxtapose the combination of primary colors in making secondary colors with convictions of who or what is right… Well….Some just will not go there.

This may be why litigation has such an appeal to some types of people. It affords a  clear winner and loser. One is in the “the right,” the other is in “the wrong.” Hard, fast lines are drawn and rarely, if ever, can both be right.

Mediation, though, suggests otherwise. According to Christopher W. Moore, mediation affords parties “a mutually acceptable settlement,” and through such you can have it both ways and not regret it!

Unlike any other form of dispute resolution, mediation makes it possible to either preserve or restore a relationship. When conflict must be an either/or proposition, it is hard for the loser to not leave bitter. But when both parties negotiate with each other coming out as winners, neither has to leave harboring anger or resentment.

In conflict management, there are alternatives to the win-lose mentality. But it’s no cake-walk! It takes a willingness to collaborate and composure unlike anything else to make it happen. But happen it can.

Do you find it difficult to collaborate?

Is it all or nothing for you?

Are you miserable if you don’t get your way in all things?

There is a better way! Seek to collaborate. If at all possible, mediate and not litigate. By so doing, you can have it both ways and not regret it.

My friend and mentor, Joey Cope, a lawyer and mediator, suggested to me that many conflict-oriented people are looking towards degrees like the one I got from ACU because they are tired of the conflict into which they are mired and are looking to find solutions for resolving it. He definitely had me pegged!

Why else would I spend two years, and a lot of money, pursuing such? I can promise you it wasn’t because I was bored!

Some people just love to be generators of conflict. They live for it. It’s their element. But it is, speaking from personal experience, a painful way to live.

That degree didn’t instantaneously change me. I still struggle. I still need to keep my mouth shut, instead of offering my unsolicited opinions to others on things not related to me. I get myself into trouble that way. But my recognition and admission of it, as well as my intentional movement away from such, is a sign that I’m headed in the right direction.

Want to join me?