You may have heard the carpenter’s rule to measure twice and cut once. I’d say there is a similar rule for written communications, especially those you send to people with whom you may find yourselves in conflict (currently or in the future.)  Write the message — be it a tweet, text, email, blog post or even an old-fashioned letter.  Then read it once — are you clear, are there typos? Then — here’s the hardest part — read it a second time. This time, read from the perspective of the reader. What will that person think you meant?  Are you confident that the message that will be received is the one that you wanted to send? The misunderstandings from a hastily-drafted written (usually typed at a keyboard) missive are legion. A careful read can stop the conflict before it starts.

Mediation is an effective, flexible process. But any mediator worth her or his salt will tell that it’s better to prevent the conflict in the first place than to engage in conflict resolution later.

At year’s end, it’s time to look back at the biggest story for Connecticut mediation in 2011.  A few months ago, the Judicial Branch, faced with the challenge of meeting its budget restrictions, decided to cut funding for mediation services provided by not-for-profits in the Superior Court. The defunding was a tough hit for the three Connecticut mediation agencies: the Hartford Area Mediation Program, the Dispute Settlement Center, and Community Mediation, Inc.

The loss was direct for the programs these groups staffed and the courts they worked in. Mediation of minor criminal offenses and other matters came to a halt.  Both defendants and victims lost the opportunity to work with a trained mediator for dispute resolution that worked for their particular circumstances, as well as a chance to address underlying issues that could bubble to the surface again — perhaps in a more violent manner — in the future.

The loss is indirect, too. Many people have no direct experience with mediation, but hear about it through others who participate or through the results it can achieve.  As more people learn about the benefits of mediation, more see it as an option for their own conflicts, of whatever nature. The loss of these court programs diminishes the opportunities for more people to learn how mediators work and mediation as a method of conflict resolution.

The Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) Section of the Connecticut Bar Association (CBA) met this evening. A group of attorneys who are also mediators and arbitrators discussed a variety of topics. The one that grabbed my attention was the essential idea (often raised) that the actual people or organizations in a dispute may be poorly served by counsel  if counsel gives short shrift to the idea of resolving conflicts in some arena other than the courthouse. A significant portion of practicing attorneys are only vaguely familiar with the way ADR processes work and with the benefits to their clients of exploring ADR options. In some areas, it may be the clients –  not the attorneys — who will be the biggest advocates for the use of mediation and arbitration as the best methods of conflict resolution.

Thanksgiving brings together extended families face-to-face, perhaps for the first time in many months.

Adult children see with their own eyes the effects of aging on their parents and others.

Addressing those effects is a challenge that often leads to conflict.

Elder Mediation provides help with difficult conversations with and about aging loved ones.

As I tell family members who confess to shame that their family is fighting about these issues:

Many families fight; the wise ones seek help.

Please contact me for a complimentary, confidential, telephone consultation.

Last month, the New England Chapter of the Association for Conflict Resolution presented a program by Dr. Donna Hicks. She presented highlights from her work and recently published book, “Dignity: The Essential Role it Plays in Resolving Conflict.”

Dr. Hicks’ research and direct conflict resolution experience have convinced her that parties in conflict are often suffering from the sense that they have not been treated with dignity. When parties feel that their dignity has been insulted, they find it difficult to engage in mediation or another type of facilitated conflict resolution. Without an acknowledgement of the damage done, it can be impossible to effectively explore practical solutions to resolve the dispute that has brought them to the table — or to get them to the table at all.

Today is Conflict Resolution Day, an annual celebration sponsored by the international Association for Conflict Resolution (ACR).

As ACR describes the day: “The Association for Conflict Resolution (ACR)’s Board of Directors adopted a resolution designating the third Thursday in October annually as Conflict Resolution Day in order to increase public awareness about conflict resolution and its many benefits.  The first celebrations for Conflict Resolution Day began in 2005 and they have grown each year as people from around the world plan activities.  ACR coordinates its efforts with other conflict resolution organizations and reaches out to local, state and international groups to build interest in holding local celebrations in conjunction with Conflict Resolution Day.”

Conflict Resolution Day provides an opportunity to stop and reflect on mediation, the nature of conflict, and what we can all do to try to manage conflict effectively.

I was struck last week at the panel presentation on conflict by how hungry folks can be for tips on how to handle conflict on our own with techniques that mediators use.  When a mediator is at work, it’s an essential part of the process that the person is neutral and not a party to the dispute or even interested personally on  how it is resolved. Obviously, that’s a big distinction between “do it yourself” and having a third party assist in a mediation process.

However, some of the techniques mediator use can be helpful in conflict prevention, reduction, and resolution. More next time on some specifics.

I will be speaking on September 20, 2011 as part of a panel discussion on “Confronting Conflict”, including practical tips on dealing with conflict in your life and work.

The presentation is the latest in Xcel, Inc.’s Hartford, CT networking series.

Xcel, Inc., a not-for-profit organization, provides educational and networking opportunities to female students and professional women. It is more formally known as The Females’ Center of Leadership and Excellence, Inc.

The event begins at 6:00 p.m. For more information or to register, visit Xcel’s website, http://www.xcelinc.org, or contact me.

On August 25, 2011, the Hartford Courant published my letter on Elder Mediation. The previous week, on August 17, the Courant ran a Kiplinger News Service article by Erin Peterson,  “Help in arriving at what’s best: specialized mediators can work with families to settle elder care disputes.” As I stated in my letter, the Courant provided a valuable public service by running the article, which explained how an elder mediator “can guide squabbling siblings and elderly parents to solutions before conflicts tear a family apart.” Carolyn Rosenblatt, a California elder mediator, noted that “‘the trigger points tend to be how money will be spent, who will take care of the elder and whether the person who wants to do the caregiving is competent to do it.’” I would add that often the person who has been taking care of an aging loved one is becoming overwhelmed and overburdened by the responsibility and a transition needs to be made.

Media coverage of elder mediation can help families to become aware that there are options that can help as they face these challenging, but common, situations.

Last week, I needed to visit a state courthouse — somewhere I rarely see now that I am engaged solely in alternative dispute resolution.  As I left, I happened to walk out behind a well-dressed, middle-aged woman striding out the door. Behind me was a well-dressed, middle-aged man.  As soon as we left the building, on the sidewalk for all the world to see and hear, they caught up with each other. She slowed and turned toward him, he sped up to her.  And then the raised voices began.

I wanted no part of it, and never broke stride. But it was impossible to avoid hearing their verbal confrontation: articulate, impassioned, and very public.  I couldn’t tell if this blow-up was occurring between an attorney and client, between two attorneys, between two parties, or some other combination. This much was obvious: the traditional approach to dispute resolution was not working for them and their dispute had spilled onto the sidewalk.

As I went about my business, I reflected on how a private mediation session could have helped. First, they may have been able to reach a resolution that worked for them. Second, they could have taken advantage of  a key hallmark of meditation: confidentiality.

Frustrations and verbal outbursts are not absent from the mediation process. But they can happen in private, instead of on a public sidewalk.