Down Goes Brown

The NHLPA's leaked Executive Director job application form

smcindoe@gmail.com (Down Goes Brown) — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 12:13:00 +0000

Not sure why, but I'm getting a
bad vibe from this guy.

While no deal has been reached officially, it now seems all but certain that Donald Fehr will be the next man in charge of the NHL Players' Association. The job has been vacant for almost a year thanks to infighting and indecision within the association, which has already parted ways with three different bosses since the start of the 2004-05 lockout.

Fehr may be a newcomer to the sport of hockey, but he's a well-known figure among North American sports fans. Fehr was in charge of the Major League Baseball Players Association for 24 years, a period that saw several work stoppages including the cancellation of the 1994 World Series.

While it's too early to know the impact that Fehr would have in his new role, we may be able to learn a few things from the way he got it. According to my sources, the NHLPA asked every potential candidate to fill out a simple one-page application form. I've obtained a copy of that form, and I think it sheds a lot of light on how Fehr managed to secure the job.

***

Thank you for applying for the position of Executive Director of the NHLPA. To help us determine your qualifications, please fill out this application form and hand it to the on-duty manager. Please note that only those applicants selected for an interview will be contacted.

First Name:
Last Name:
Does your name lend itself to any cool headline puns that describe how scary you are?

Please list your desired salary for this position:

Please list the percentage of that salary that you are willing to have randomly placed into an escrow that you do not understand:

Describe any previous job experience you have which would be relevant to a position at the NHLPA, such as working at a daycare or as a public safety investigator specializing in train wrecks.

Rate your knowledge of hockey on a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is "poor" and 10 is "extremely poor".

Hours during the day that you are available to work:
Hours during the middle of the night that you are available to be fired:

List any experience you have in dealing with cripplingly short-sighted work stoppages. (Use the back of the paper if you need extra space.)

This is probably a long shot, but by any chance do you have experience working with uncharismatic, condescending and universally despised professional sports commissioners?

Please describe your level of expertise when it comes to hacking into an e-mail system.

If you wrote anything other than "absolutely none" for that last question, please crumple your application into a ball and toss it into the nearest waste basket.

Place a checkmark next to any of the following that you feel you would be able to acquire on behalf of the players:
( ) Two weeks of vacation during the regular season
( ) Four weeks of vacation during the offseason
( ) Twelve months of vacation during the 2012-13 season

Please look at the attached photo of Gary Bettman making his very best "intimidating face". Write down the total number of seconds you were able to stare at it without laughing.

It's a long story, but we're going to need the successful candidate to let Eric Lindros follow them around 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You're cool with that, aren't you? AREN'T YOU?

Any future threats of a work stoppage are likely to be extremely unpopular with hockey fans, many of whom would take it as a devastating betrayal on the part of a sport they've cared for deeply since childhood. How convincingly would you be able to fake caring about that?

Bonus grammar question: Why is it a "Players Association" in baseball, basketball and football, but a "Players' Association" in the NHL?

Finally, and most importantly: In the space below, please describe in detail how you plan to react when we all inevitably rise up and backstab you in 12 to 18 months.

Should the NHL keep going to the Olympics?

smcindoe@gmail.com (Down Goes Brown) — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 12:58:00 +0000

Um, why does it say "Expires in 2014"?

This week's World Hockey Summit in Toronto brings together many of the brightest minds in hockey to discuss and debate the game's future. And while the agenda is packed with controversial issues, the biggest headlines will likely surround the NHL's future participation in the Olympics.

Hockey fans seem to enjoy seeing NHL players compete for gold. But some critics feel that the league would be better served by bringing back the World Cup instead, while others argue that there are simply too many international tournaments clogging up the hockey calendar.

What should the NHL do? It's a difficult debate, with plenty of good points on each side. After talking to several hockey insiders, I feel like I've got a good handle on the various arguments that will be presented this week. I'll list them here, and let the reader make up their own mind:

Pro: Olympic participation is extremely popular among players, at least according to the janitor we talked to when we called the NHLPA head office and asked to speak to the person in charge.

Con: The three-week tournament can impact the rest of the regular season by creating significant injury risk and increased fatigue for star players, resulting in an unfair competitive advantage for teams like the Oilers that don't have any.

Pro: Russian players were humiliated in a blowout loss to Canada in Vancouver; in 2014, it's only fair that they get a chance to be humiliated by the Canadians in front of their home fans, too.

Con: Foreign time zones can often cause games to be played in the middle of the night, instead of first thing in the morning the way NBC would prefer.

Pro: Sending the best players to the Olympics would create the opportunity for the sport to add to the long list of amazing international hockey memories we've enjoyed over the years, such as "The Miracle on Ice", "The Miracle on Ice", and also "The Miracle on Ice". (Point submitted by the Association of American Sportswriters.)

Con: You allow a few NHL superstars to participate in the Olympics, and the next thing you know one of them is riding around awkwardly in a pickup truck with a torch during the opening ceremonies.

Pro: International overtime rules make it possible for a team to be eliminated from the playoffs during a shootout; it wouldn't be fair if only Ranger fans ever got to know what that felt like.

Con: Olympic participation could be replaced by the return of a summertime World Cup, which would be great news for foolish bloggers who commit to writing twice-weekly hockey columns without first checking a calendar to make sure it's not the middle of freaking August.

Pro: Having NHL players in the Olympics offers the league a rare opportunity to finally spend some time talking about Sidney Crosby and Alexander Ovechkin.

Con: Olympic participation results in the cancellation of the annual All-Star Game, causing crushing disappointment for fans who enjoy hockey but can't stand seeing it played by players who seem to give a crap.

Pro: If the NHL had not gone to Nagano in 1998, the league would never be seeing the influx of highly skilled Japanese players it has now.

Con: The league's participation in the Olympics is almost unanimously enjoyed by fans, and therefore goes against their apparent business model.

Pro: International rules ban fighting during games, resulting in foreign players making the most hilarious faces when the Canadian team jumps them in their hotel lobby instead.

Con: Let's face it, any hockey competition that can result in a team run by Brian Burke and Ron Wilson making the playoffs is clearly deeply flawed.

A look back at the RDO camp

smcindoe@gmail.com (Down Goes Brown) — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 19:41:00 +0000

The Canadian version of "Inception" bombed.

Hockey fans had a chance to look into the future this week during the NHL’s research, development and orientation camp in Toronto.

The two-day camp, which wrapped up Thursday, featured a series of experimental rule changes and rink modifications that the league wanted to test in a real world environment. The rules were tested during a series of scrimmages played by several of next year’s top draft prospects.

Some of the potential new rules amounted to minor tweaks, while others were radical changes. Most will never make it to a live NHL game, but that’s no reason not to spend some time looking back on what worked and what didn’t.

One of the league’s top priorities is to come up with ways to create more offence. For example, one proposed change would see the width of the blue line doubled. This would create more offensive chances, presumably as attacking forwards blow past defencemen who are busy saying “Hey, is it me or is the blue line twice as big as it was yesterday?”

The league is also experimenting with alternate placement of the faceoff circles. One proposal, expected to result in marginally increased scoring, would see all offensive zone faceoffs take place six inches inside the defensive team’s net. There’s also talk of creating more room at the end of the rink by making the nets more shallow, which would be accomplished by encouraging them to spend all their time listening to pop music and reading Twilight books.

It’s a good start, but there is room for more creativity. How about awarding one goal for any puck shot into the stands that KOs that fan who keeps standing up to wave at the camera while talking on his cell phone? And if none of those changes work, the league could always go to plan B — goodbye goalie water bottles, hello goalie tequila bottles.

The league also looked at continuing to restrict line changes. One new rule would see teams that went offside be unable to change lines before the next faceoff, similar to what happens now with icing. This change is expected to be popular with the many fans who find themselves saying things like “This game is OK, but I’d enjoy it more if the players were constantly vomiting from exhaustion.”

This ongoing war on line changes is expected to someday culminate with coaches having the option to disable line changes altogether, but only if the opposing coach gets up to use the bathroom and leaves his Xbox controller lying around.

Icing has always been a mixed blessing for hockey fans. On the one hand, races for the puck are exciting. On the other, exploding hip fragments can sometimes fly up into the stands and get in your beer. The NHL is trying to find a way to keep the former while minimizing the latter.

The answer appears to be a concept called hybrid icing, which is just like regular icing except it gets better mileage. Experts agree that it will cost twice as much and cause your insufferable granola-snorting neighbour to strut around like he’s better than you.

Finally, the league spent a significant amount of time experimenting with new formats for overtime and shootouts. They had a look at various creative ways to end a game that have never been tried before, such as “2-on-2 overtime”, “extended five-man shootout”, and “Edmonton Oilers victory”.

Who knows, maybe someday they’ll try something truly radical: Replace the traditional shootout with a brand new concept in which each team chooses five players, all of whom take to the ice and attempt to score a goal at the same time as if they were playing actual hockey and not some glorified skills competition.

In any event, its nice to see that the NHL is willing to experiment. If nothing else, all of the strange rules and modified rinks gave fans an opportunity to see things they will never see again.

Like 2011 draft prospects playing in Toronto.

Behind the scenes on Kaberle deadline day

smcindoe@gmail.com (Down Goes Brown) — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 12:37:00 +0000

See Tomas, normally the eyebrows would
be divided somewhere around here.

The eyes of the hockey world were focused sharply on Toronto on Sunday. With long-time defenseman Tomas Kaberle's no-trade clause coming back into effect at midnight, the Leafs were faced with a race against the clock to find a trading partner.

And while the day ultimately ended without a deal for Kaberle in place, it wasn't from lack of trying. Top secret sources tell me that Maple Leafs' general manager Brian Burke and his front office staff spent the entire day locked in their MLSE war room fielding offers.

Here's how the day went down:

7:32 a.m. - Burke makes a point of once again complimenting John Ferguson Jr. for having the foresight to negotiate a trade window into Kaberle's contract, before politely informing him that he'd still prefer not to have his windshield squeegeed that day.

7:49 a.m. - Burke stops at a Tim Hortons drive-through and asks for the largest box of Timbits they have, since he wants to make sure each of his assistant GMs gets one.

9:05 a.m. - Attempted talks with New Jersey go nowhere when Devils' GM Lou Lamoriello responds to every proposal with a sarcastic "Gee, I'm not sure, let me go ask Gary Bettman if I'm allowed to do that".

10:21 a.m. - The scouting department for the San Jose Sharks calls to thank the Leafs for sending over that footage of Kaberle in action during the postseason, but wonders if they also happen to have any that's in color.

1:51 p.m. - After three straight hours without being able to get a dial tone, the Leafs' front office staff begins to notice that the service technician who showed up that morning to work on the phone lines actually looks a lot like Rick Curran with a fake moustache and pair of wire cutters.

2:35 p.m. - As rumours begin to circulate that Kaberle may not be moved after all, the Leafs PR department is deluged with requests from media getting a head start on their upcoming seven-month "Kaberle Trade Deadline 2011 Watch" series.

3:42 p.m. - Tampa Bay emerges as a potential destination, but talks proceed slowly as Lightning general manager Steve Yzerman constantly interrupts Burke to ask if he can remind him how 2010 Gold Medal game turned out.

4:11 p.m. - The various assistant GMs all agree that while the handwriting is lovely and the photo is a nice personal touch, now probably isn't a good time to show Burke the "Thanks for Tyler Seguin" card that just arrived in the mail from Peter Chiarelli.

5:25 p.m. - The Detroit Red Wings express some interest in acquiring Kaberle, but eventually decide that now isn't the time for a youth movement.

6:46 p.m. - Tomas Kaberle himself calls to say that while he can handle Ron Wilson spending all day in front of his house waiting to drive him to the airport, he could do without him also constantly honking the horn and revving the engine.

7:20 p.m. - The Leafs' continue to struggle to find a market for defensemen when Dave Nonis is unsuccessful in his attempt to tip the pizza deliveryman with the rights to Jeff Finger.

8:49 p.m. - After being put through to voicemail for the fifteenth time in a row, Burke starts to get a sinking feeling that Darryl Sutter now has caller ID.

10:47 p.m. - Potentially promising negotiations go sour when Burke realizes that all those phone calls from the GM who seems to love soft European player who don't play defence are actually coming from the next door office of a confused Bryan Colangelo.

12:01 a.m. - A bruised and battered Richard Peddie tries to figure out what it was about his "Hey, gang, there's always tomorrow" pep talk that made everyone so cranky.

A buyer's guide to the remaining NHL free agents

smcindoe@gmail.com (Down Goes Brown) — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 12:53:00 +0000

Boogard got how much?

As hockey's off-season drags on, there are still dozens of unrestricted free agents who haven't found a team for the upcoming season. Many will end up being exiled to Europe or even retirement, while others will manage to find a job in the NHL.

But which ones? Here's an honest look at the strengths and weaknesses of some of the best known free agents remaining on the market, along with a prediction of where they could ultimately wind up.

Antti Niemi
The bad: Was easily the most over-rated Stanley Cup winning goalie in the entire league last year.
The good: Doesn't know the meaning of the word "quit", although technically that's also true of all the other words in the English language.
Where he'd fit: Philadelphia, according to everyone in the entire hockey world who doesn't work in the Flyers' front office.

Lee Stempniak
The bad: Only seems to play well in Phoenix, which pretty much limits him to one-year offers.
The good: Hasn't played for the Maple Leafs since the trade deadline, so most of the loser stench has worn off by now.
Where he'd fit: Any team that only hired a scouting staff in mid-March.

Paul Kariya
The bad: Most scouts agree that his dimples are slightly less adorable than they used to be.
The good: Was at one point, many years ago, Paul Kariya.
Where he'd fit: Pretty much any team that's looking for a veteran scoring winger to play on a line with Teemu Selanne.

Ilya Kovalchuk
The bad: May have suffered a series of undisclosed head injuries during his career, based on his apparent willingness to commit to spending 17 years in New Jersey.
The good: Will no doubt be well-rested after the upcoming year-long work stoppage that he caused.
Where he'd fit: Any team that's been smart enough to preserve some cap room in 2027.

Owen Nolan
The bad: Is widely recognized as one of the worst NHL players that Belfast, Northern Ireland has ever produced.
The good: Can offer detailed scouting reports on the 30 NHL teams, all of which he's recently played for.
Where he'd fit: A team that believes it is one salt-and-pepper goatee away from contending.

Kyle Wellwood
The bad: Has occasionally experienced minor conditioning setbacks, which some bloggers have cruelly exaggerated to get cheap laughs.
The good: Is an extremely well-rounded player. Often appears to be everywhere on the ice at the same time. Has an overwhelming presence which can dominate the dressing room. Is unanimously considered to be one of the hungriest players in the league.
Where he'd fit: Any roster with a large hole to fill.

Miroslav Satan
The bad: Is always going on and on about his theory that the whole thing was just a dream by Leonardo DiCaprio's character, which is odd since he's talking about the seventh season of Growing Pains.
The good: Was an alternate on the NHL's millennial All-Miroslav team.
Where he'd fit: The New Jersey Devils, according to the International Union of Hilarious Newspaper Headline Writers.

Jose Theodore
The bad: Goal scoring totals have dropped significantly since 2000-01 season.
The good: Has been known to entertain teammates with hilarious made-up stories about winning the Hart Trophy.
Where he'd fit: Any NHL team where he wouldn't have to worry about once again losing his starter's job to Cristobel Huet. So, any NHL team.

Darcy Tucker
The bad: Is too old and broken down these days to randomly leap into opponent's benches any more; now just sort of limps over and then tumbles in.
The good: Critics who accuse him of being dirty don't have a leg to stand on, mostly because he's blown out both their knees.
Where he'd fit: Sami Kapanen's sweat-drenched nightmares.

Vesa Toskala
The bad: Often reminds you of the love child of Hardy Astrom and Andre Racicot, assuming that child was forced to play goal before developing gross motor skills.
The good: Has never been one of those irresponsible goalies who takes a brand new set of equipment and then spends the season ruining it by letting a bunch of pucks hit it.
Where he'd fit: As the backup for whatever ECHL team John Ferguson Jr. is working for these days.

The Kovalchuk hearing: The top secret transcript

smcindoe@gmail.com (Down Goes Brown) — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 11:57:00 +0000

Lou Lamoriello in happier times.

NHL arbitrator Richard Bloch announced his decision in the Ilya Kovalchuk case yesterday, ruling that Kovalchuk's controversial 17-year contract with the Devils is null and void.

But while the decision itself was made public, the details of last week's hearings were not. Until now.

My spies were in attendance for one session of the hearing, and recorded a complete transcript. I'm republishing it below so that NHL fans can understand the case that Bloch was dealing with, and judge for themselves whether justice was done.

(Scene: a courtroom. Richard Bloch is presiding, with various other NHL personnel on hand. Several NHL stars are sitting in a small waiting area in the back of the room.)

Bloch: OK everyone, let's get started. In this morning's session we heard from several league officials. Gary Bettman testified about the discretionary powers available to him as commissioner, Bill Daly explained his interpretation of the CBA, and Lou Lamoriello threw several jars of jam at my head.

Lamoriello: It slipped out of my hand.

Bloch: …

Lamoriello: Fifteen times.

Bloch: Anyway, this afternoon we'll be hearing testimony from various NHL players. The first to take the stand will be Ilya Kovalchuk. Let's get the biggest question out of the way first: Ilya, do you really intend to play the entire length of this contract?

Kovalchuk: First of all, I just want to say how disappointed I am that my integrity is being called into question here. Yes, of course I plan to play through the end of this contract. And in fact, I have every intention of playing well beyond that.

Bloch: Wow. Seriously?

Kovalchuk: Of course. Plenty of guys play past the age of 34.

Bloch: Um… Ilya? You're 27 years old and you signed a 17-year contract.

Kovalchuk: Exactly. So 27 plus 17 is... hold on... carry the one, and... oh. Hey, wait a second. Oh man.

Bloch: ...

Kovalchuk: Seriously, Lou? You actually thought anyone would buy this?

Bloch: Incoming.

(A jar of grape jam smashes against the wall behind Kovalchuk's head.)

Bloch: Thanks for your testimony Ilya. You may step down.

Kovalchuk (doing an old man voice): Hey, it's me, 44-year-old Ilya Kovalchuk. When does the game start? I want to make sure my grandchildren have time to feed me my pre-game meal of mashed bananas.

Bloch: That will be all, Ilya. We'll now begin hearing testimony from other NHLers who have signed similar deals which have been approved by the league. Our first player will be, let's see... Oh no.

(The sound of smashing windows and car alarms can be heard from outside.)

Bloch (into intercom): Security, we have a Code Orange.

(A chainsaw slashes through the wall, carving out a hole through which a figure emerges.)

Chris Pronger: Boo-yah!

Bloch: OK, let's get this over with. Chris, you signed a seven-year extension when you were already 35 years old. Why should we believe that you'll still be playing when that contract ends?

Pronger: Well, keep in mind that I've never relied on skills that fade with age, like speed or hand-eye coordination. My game is based on abilities that tend to remain consistent over time.

Bloch: Size? Positioning? Defensive awareness?

Pronger: Elbowing people in the head when they're not looking.

Bloch: Of course.

Pronger: Hey, is this going to take much longer? I haven't slashed anyone in the throat in like 15 minutes, and I'm starting to get the shakes.

Bloch: I think you're all done. Our next player to testify will be Islanders' goalie Rick DiPietro. Thanks for joining us, Rick.

DiPietro: No problem.

Bloch: Now Rick, your 15-year contract was the longest in league history when it was signed. Can you explain the process that lead to the deal?

DiPietro (now slumped over in chair): …

Lamoriello: Um, I think he's unconscious.

Bloch: From sitting down? Wow, he really is injury prone.

Lamoriello: No, actually while you were talking Pronger ran over and elbowed him in the head.

Pronger: Boo-yah!

Kovalchuk (still doing old man voice): Dangnabbit, Pronger!

Bloch: OK everyone, let's settle down. We have several more players to hear from. In fact, as I look over into the waiting area I see that… Oh for the love of…

(In the waiting area, Marian Hossa, Mike Richards, Roberto Luongo and Henrik Zetterbeg are laying in a pile of twisted limbs. There is blood on the ceiling. The only movement is from a dazed Alexander Ovechkin, whose attempt to commando crawl to the exit is cut short when he's hit in the temple with a jar of strawberry jam.)

Lamoriello: Boo-yah!

(Pronger and Lamoriello high five.)

Bloch: OK, it's time for my decision. I'd like to render my ruling based on the details of the CBA, but my copy has jam stains all over it. I'd look through past rulings for precedents, but Chris Pronger just set my law library on fire. And I'd flip a coin, but Ilya Kovalchuk took my spare change and is mailing it to his imaginary grandchildren.

Kovalchuk (shaking fist): Get off my lawn!

Bloch: So here's my ruling: You people are lunatics. The contract is voided. And if I ever see any of you again, I'm calling the police. This hearing is adjourned.

Off-season winners and losers

smcindoe@gmail.com (Down Goes Brown) — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 12:14:00 +0000

Unlike Kyle Wellwood, the road was signed.

August is traditionally the dead zone on the NHL's calendar, and this year seems to be no different. While we're still weeks away from the start of training camps, it's fair to say the most of the off-season action is long gone.

That makes this a good time for some reflection. With the draft complete, several trades in the books and most of the major free agents signed, the league's teams have had plenty of opportunities to reshape their rosters. And as always, some did a better job than others.

Let's take a look back at some of the NHL's biggest winners and losers from this summer.

Winners

New York Rangers - Their annual "free agent signing which everyone agrees was the most outrageously over-priced mistake of the summer" ended up being a lot cheaper than usual this year.

Calgary Flames - Signed free agent Olli Jokinen, finally filling the "over-paid third line center" void created by the deadline day trading of Olli Jokinen.

Washington Capitals - Moved quickly to address the biggest reason for last year's crushing post-season disappointment by somehow convincing the Montreal Canadiens to trade Jaroslav Halak to the Western conference.

Atlanta Thrashers - Acquired several players from Chicago's Stanley Cup-winning roster, ensuring that for the first time in sports history a Google search for "Atlanta" and "Hawks" and "championship" will not yield zero results.

Buffalo Sabres - Didn't allow trivial distractions such as trades or free agency signings to sidetrack them from what was really important: Calling Ryan Miller every day to ask "Just checking, but you're still our starting goalie, right?"

Ottawa Senators - Announced the hiring of 51-year old Rick Wamsley as goaltending coach, immediately making him the best goalie in franchise history.

Columbus Blue Jackets - Acquired winger Ethan Moreau who, as a former Edmonton Oilers captain, will no doubt provide his new teammates with invaluable feedback on what not to do.

Detroit Red Wings - Boosted their offensive depth chart with the signing of free agent center Mike Modano, who is presumably the son of that guy who was really good for the Minnesota North Stars back in the early 90s.

Losers

New Jersey Devils - Foolishly based entire free agency strategy on the assumption that the specific terms of the CBA would be adhered to.

Toronto Maple Leafs - Their savvy acquisition of Brett Ledba to fill the role of seventh defenseman was offset somewhat by the fact that their first-line center on opening night will also be Brett Lebda.

Chicago Blackhawks - Were forced to part ways with nine regulars due to the salary cap, and now face the daunting task of somehow defending their championship with only Jonathan Toews, Duncan Keith, Patrick Kane, Marion Hossa, Patrick Sharp, Brent Seabrook and a half-dozen other stars.

Florida Panthers - Despite best efforts, have likely not done enough to satisfy the expectations of their die-hard fan.

Vancouver Canucks - Lost backup goaltender Andrew Raycroft to free agency but have yet to find a replacement equally skilled at stopping NHL shooters, such as a wet sheet of paper mache.

Los Angeles Kings - In hindsight, attempt to boost employee morale by giving entire front office staff the summer off may have been a mistake.

Boston Bruins - Short-sightedly drafted future franchise player Tyler Seguin with the top two pick acquired from Toronto, leaving virtually no room on roster for franchise players available with Toronto's top two pick in 2011.

Georges Laraque's Green Party election platform

smcindoe@gmail.com (Down Goes Brown) — Thu, 05 Aug 2010 13:06:00 +0000

We heard some strange news in the hockey world this week, when it was announced the former NHL enforcer Georges Laraque had been named deputy leader of Canada's Green Party. While Laraque has been vocal about several causes over the years, many assumed that his role with the Green Party would be more about generating publicity than actually setting policy.

It turns out we were wrong. Drawing on his hockey experience, Laraque has actually developed a detailed platform that he plans to implement once the Green Party wins the next federal election. Thanks to some of my spies in the political world, I've managed to obtain an advanced copy.

From now on, Habs fans will be strongly encouraged to only flip over and set fire to fuel-guzzling SUVs and Hummers.
If you see somebody littering on the street, you are now legally obligated to run up and pull their sweater over their head.
Update labor laws to make it illegal to fire a guy while he's doing relief work in Haiti, not that any self-respecting organization would ever do such a thing.
Do away with the term "prorogue"; replace with "assessing parliament a ten-week misconduct".
Goodbye, arena hot dog guns. Hello, arena tofu guns.
Reduce excess power consumption due to red light bulbs being left on at all times by deporting Vesa Toskala back to Finland.
Ban the census, or at least that one question about "How many times have you had your ass handed to you by George St. Pierre?"
The national anthem will be modified to officially include the last line "Now drop the damn puck"
Canada will be restarting its dormant space program with the goal of sending a manned spacecraft into the center of the sun. In related news, we would like to thank Sean Avery for volunteering for the mission shortly after we snuck up behind him and hit him over the head with a tire iron.
Reinstate the death penalty; apply it retroactively to anyone who used to do that cheap breakaway move in NHL 94.
In recognition of Canadians' intense interest in offseason hockey transactions, see if we can somehow get the first day of unrestricted free agency declared a national holiday.
Rather than going through an extensive set of parliamentary approvals, Canada will now be able to declare war on another country simply by standing next to it and muttering "Let's go".

A professional athlete's guide to Twitter

smcindoe@gmail.com (Down Goes Brown) — Tue, 03 Aug 2010 12:56:00 +0000

No really, we'd love to hear
more about your Belgian waffles.

Twitter is all the rage in the online world, and these days more and more professional athletes are joining the craze. From legends like new Miami Heat star Lebron James to fourth-liners like Coyote's enforcer Paul Bissonnette, it seems like every day brings a new headline someone from the sports world making news with their tweets.

But while sharing with fans may seem like a good idea, many athletes end up having a negative experience on the site. That's because there are several common mistakes that athletes make on Twitter, and those mistakes can cause serious damage to even the biggest star's reputation.

It doesn't have to be that way. So if you're a professional athlete who's thinking about joining Twitter, read on for some simple guidelines that will help you ensure that your time on the site is beneficial for both you and your fans.

Introduction
Launched in 2006, Twitter is a web site that allows hundreds of millions of users from around the world to look at pictures of a whale being carried by birds. On rare occasions, the site also allows users to share short updates called “tweets” with their followers.

By tweeting, you can keep fans up to date on what's happening in your career. Think of it as being just like getting to know your fans in person, except without all the paternity suits.

When to tweet
Fans are fascinated by the inner workings of professional sports, and especially love to get updates from inside the stadium or arena. However, use discretion to make sure you are only sharing information at appropriate times.

Good: Just finished warm up. Feeling good about our chances in tonight's game, and know that we will all give 100%.
Bad: In locker room. Team doctor says that despite the concussion symptoms, I should be fine to get back out there and banana toolbox salamander.
Worse: Leading the offensive rush across the Maple Leafs blueline. Hey, look, here comes Dion Phaneuf, I wonder if he'll want to [CONNECTION LOST].

What to tweet
Sports fans are fascinated by the day-to-day lives of professional athletes, so they'll appreciate updates about just about anything you happen to be doing at a particular moment. For example, you could tweet about what you're having for lunch. Just be aware of any unintended messages you may be sending.

Good: Just ordered a pizza, which is my favourite food because I'm a regular guy just like you.
Bad: Just ordered crowned rack of lamb, which is my favourite food because I'm like a million times better than you.
Worse: Just had my chef prepare my favourite meal: Baby seal heart wrapped in bacon, wrapped in $100 dollar bills, which are then wrapped in bacon.

Blocking users
Unfortunately, you will occasionally encounter users who are aggressive or obnoxious. While Twitter does have a “block” feature, using it is considered a breach of etiquette and will make you appear thin-skinned and petty. Instead simply send one of your bodyguards to their house to kill them.

Typos
Typos are common on Twitter, and generally aren't considered a big deal. If you realize you've made some, a simple apology and explanation will suffice.

Good: Sorry for all the typos. I'm not used to the keyboard on my new phone yet.
Bad: Sorry for all the typos. I haven't had to pay attention in any academic course since I was fourteen years old.
Worse: Sorry for all the typos. It's hard to type when your fingers are all swollen from years of HGH.

Using acronyms
When communicating online, users will often use abbreviations and acronyms. This is especially true on Twitter, where every character counts.

For example, one of the most common abbreviations is “LOL”, which stands for “laugh out loud”. When used properly, it indicates that there is something about the previous statement which you found humorous.

Good: The sick child I'm visiting in the hospital just told me his favourite knock-knock joke. LOL.
Bad: At training camp watching Albert Haynesworth try to do a sit up. LOL.
Worse: And then I told Jim Gray that I only made up my mind that morning. LOL.

In conclusion
The world of Twitter can be confusing for beginners. By following these simple guidelines, you can make sure your time on the site is an enriching experience for both you and your fans.

And when in doubt, remember the one golden rule for professional athletes on Twitter: Just look at what Chris Bosh is doing.

Then do the exact opposite.

DGB hits the Post

smcindoe@gmail.com (Down Goes Brown) — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 01:40:00 +0000

Get it? "Hits the post"? That is some
professional level punning right there.

You may have seen this already, but I thought I should do a quick post on some site news: As of last week, I've partnered with the National Post. You'll now be able to enjoy DGB content in the Post's print edition, as well as on their web site.

What does this mean? A few things:

I'm actually going to have to write something at least twice a week. (The current plan is to have new material on Tuesdays and Fridays, although that could always change.) So if you see somebody throwing an empty bottle through the screen of a TV tuned into the NHL Network while screaming "WOULD SOMETHING HAPPEN ALREADY?", that's me.
The content will still be cross-posted on this site. That means you can choose whether to read it here, on the Post's site, or in the paper. Personally, I'd recommend reading all three and then playing a fun game of "Find the joke the editors took out".
Additional content, videos, and embarrisngly amateurish photoshops will continue to appear on this site on other days.
I am now one step closer to achieving my longterm career goal of someday getting destroyed by the Cox Bloc guys.

If you're not familiar with NP's Posted Sports blog, it combines breaking news with some of the more offbeat stories that wouldn't ordinarily make it into a daily paper. It's one of the better MSM sports blogs out there, and I'd recommend it for a spot in your bookmarks or RSS feed. You can also follow them on twitter.

It's early, but so far all of this has been a lot of fun. The only downside is that I didn't get one of those slick National Post-style headshots, which apparently means I drew these black lines all over my face with magic marker for nothing. Probably shouldn't have gone with the permanent. Live and learn.

Anyway, this seems like a good opportunity to once again offer up a sincere thanks to anyone who has become a DGB reader. Whether you're one of the dozen or so who've been here since the beginning or just found me last week, any success this site has had is all thanks to you. I owe each and everyone one of you a beer.

(Note to self: Find out if the Post allows expensing beers.)

Other NHL player grievances

smcindoe@gmail.com (Down Goes Brown) — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 12:22:00 +0000

Wait, I signed where?

The big news in hockey this week was the NHLPA's filing of a grievance against the league on behalf of Ilya Kovalchuk. The move will pit the association against the NHL in an arbitration hearing to determine the legality of Kovalchuk's controversial 17-year, $102 million contract with the New Jersey Devils.

But as it turns out, that wasn't all that the players wanted to get off their chests. In fact, the Kovalchuk situation was just one of several complaints the players would like to see addressed. And in an attempt to be as efficient as possible, the league has encouraged the NHLPA to consolidate all of their grievances into one single master list.

Well, that list was leaked to me this week. And the interest of keeping fans informed I'm publishing it here.

Although we’ve made our feelings crystal clear on the matter over the years, there are still between 20 to 25 players at any given time who are being forced to play in Edmonton.
Due to difficult economic times, Philadelphia Flyer fans are now pelting our wives and children with pennies and nickels, instead of the much lighter dimes they used to throw.
Can't quite put our finger on it, but something just doesn't feel right about the way Gary Bettman drives around town in his brand new sports car with the personalized plates that read "ESCROW".
It's not really fair that so many of us have to work all through May and June, while the players in Toronto get those months off every year.
The league should abandon its plan to replace the current steroid testing program (in which a league official asks players "Hey, none of you use steroids, right?") with a much more comprehensive system (in which the official will also be allowed to raise an eyebrow and ask "Are you sure?").
Hey, you know what would be completely awesome? If we all stopped hitting each other in the groin with slapshots! (Grievance suggested by Sami Salo.)
Veteran players on minimum-salary deals have consistently pointed out that the current CBA is structured to provide massive contracts to a handful of elite players at the expense of the overall group. So can we pass some sort of rule making it illegal for those guys to talk anymore?
No matter how loud we yell or how much we wave our arms around, those stupid mascots always aim their hotdog cannons into the upper deck instead.
This Sidney Crosby kid out in Pittsburgh tries really hard and is a super nice guy, and we all just wish the hockey media would find a way to mention him every now and then.
The current maximum roster size rules significantly reduce our overall earnings potential by artificially limiting the number of players who can receive idiotic free agent offers from Glen Sather.
No matter how many times it happens, it still really bothers Mike Richards first thing every morning when he plods down the stairs in his bathrobe, takes a sip of coffee, and then throws open his kitchen curtains to find Pierre McGuire smiling creepily into his window.
Every now and then we hear some fan trying to get the wave started. But when we climb into the stands and beat him to death with our sticks, suddenly we're the bad guys.
We pretty much all agree that Glashow's objection to string theory on the basis of not being sufficiently predictive is unconvincing given that the theory clearly satisfies the Popperian criterion of falsifiability, so shut up about it already, Boogard.
We don't want to identify the team, but let's just say that players from one particular franchise are deeply concerned that their GM's recent roster moves might indicate that he took too many shots to the head while growing up with his five hockey playing brothers.
We must continue to institute tougher rules to prevent players from elbowing each other into unconsciousness, and get back to just punching each other into unconsciousness the way God intended.

Tips for your day with the Stanley Cup

smcindoe@gmail.com (Down Goes Brown) — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 11:49:00 +0000

So far, Stanley hasn't called him back.

As the offseason winds on, most of the hockey world is focused on the negative. But while the ongoing Kovalchuk debacle and ominous signs of renewed labour strife dominate the headlines, one of the sport’s most positive annual traditions is well underway and could be coming to a town near you.

Over the course of the summer, each member of the champion Chicago Blackhawks is enjoying their “day with the Cup”, leading the trophy through a tour of small towns, big cities, and community barbeques. Each stop along the way is a feel-good story, as fans young and old are given a rare chance to spend time with the greatest trophy in all of sports.

But while each player is given free reign to determine how to spend their day with the Cup, the league does provide some guidance. Every year, each player receives a printed memo from the NHL head office with a few tips to help things run smoothly.

Most fans never get to see that top secret memo. That's about to change, since I just happen to have come into possession of a copy which I’ve reproduced below.

* * *

Dear miscellaneous NHL player,

Congratulations on winning the Stanley Cup! As per hockey tradition, you are now entitled to spend one full day with the trophy in a location of your choice.

Before you plan your big day, however, the National Hockey League would like to offer several suggestions which could help make your time more enjoyable.

Consider having several small cards printed up that explain that the Stanley Cup is a trophy awarded to the NHL champion at the end of every season. This will save you from having to constantly stop and explain everything to lifelong Vancouver Canuck fans who have never seen it before.
You’re likely to meet fans who will want to take photos of their children or grandchildren sitting in the bowl of the Cup. For reference, the Cup can safely hold the weight of one large toddler, two small babies, or three Montreal Canadiens forwards.
The Stanley Cup is notable for its tradition of recording past champions by etching their names onto the sides of the trophy. Given how easily the Cup can be scratched or dented, please respect the league’s history by only dropping it so that it lands on forgotten teams the 2004 Tampa Bay Lightning or 2006 Carolina Hurricanes.
When describing your Cup win as “easily the greatest moment of my entire life”, be sure to awkwardly add “um, obviously other than my wedding day” if you think your wife may be listening.
The Stanley Cup is 117 years old. If you decide to spend your day at Denny’s, save money by ordering its meal off the senior’s menu.
If you happen to meet an Ottawa Senators fan, he will inevitably want to tell you about all the Stanley Cups his team won a hundred years ago. As a representative of the National Hockey League, please do your best to listen to him politely for at least three full minutes before pulling the nearest fire alarm.
Remember that the Cup is made entirely of metal, and is therefore prone to rust if exposed to excessive moisture. Please keep it away from Jeremy Roenick, in case he gets a glimpse of it and starts bawling like coliccy baby again.
Please keep in mind that the Cup has been handled by literally thousands of players and fans over the years. Consider giving it a quick wipe with a paper towel before letting your newborn drink formula out of it.
Impress your friends by pointing out that the engravings on the Stanley Cup include several typos and other errors. For example, in 1975 Bob Gainey’s name is misspelled as “Gainy”. In 1981, the New York Islanders are misspelled as “Ilanders”. And in 1999, the Buffalo Sabres are misspelled as “the Dallas Stars”.
Occasionally, a young child may ask you why the trophy doesn’t list a champion for the 2004-05 season. This is a complicated subject, so the best way to answer this question is to ask the child to hand you their allowance, use it to light an expensive cigar, and then blow smoke rings in their face while pointing at them and laughing.
Finally, for members of the 2010 Chicago Blackhawks: Be sure to block off some time in your schedule for Stan Bowman to call and tell you which team you’ve been traded to.

Leaked: Ilya Kovalchuk's contract

smcindoe@gmail.com (Down Goes Brown) — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 01:31:00 +0000

Well, it's finally over. After 19 days, Ilya Kovalchuk has finally signed a contract. And after all the rumors and misinformation and flights to California, it turns out he's not going anywhere after all -- he's decided to stay in New Jersey.

But what took him so long? Well, these sorts of contracts aren't exactly simple. Given all the details that need to be sorted out, I think it's understandable that it took Devil's GM Lou Lamoriello and Kovalchuk's agent Jay Grossman a little bit of extra time to work it all out.

Don't believe me? Read it for yourself. Thanks to DGB spies, I've managed to obtain a top secret copy of Kovalchuk's contract, as negotiated by Lamoriello and Grossman.

Download

Free agency: The NBA vs. the NHL

smcindoe@gmail.com (Down Goes Brown) — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 12:43:00 +0000

Hey Chris, that coffee machine over there
isn't going to just work itself.

The first few weeks of July mark the start of free agency in both hockey and basketball. And while both leagues can usually be counted on for some entertaining signings, there's little doubt that 2010 was all about the NBA.

Between the NHL's lacklustre crop of free agents and the NBA's much-hyped "big three" and beyond, every sports fan in North America has been transfixed by the daily intrigue of NBA free agency. And that no doubt includes many hockey fans who have otherwise never followed basketball, and may be confused by some of the what they're seeing.

Have no fear, hockey fans. NBA free agency is really very similar to the NHL version, with only a few key differences. To help you make sense of it all, I've prepared this handy guide to help you compare and contrast the two leagues.

NBA free agency: America's largest sports networks allows a star player to spend an hour announcing his decision in a farcical display of tone deaf self-promotion.
NHL free agency: Canadian networks would never participate in such a vulgar display due to higher journalistic standards, a distaste for self-aggrandizing hype, and the lack of available airtime due to their previously scheduled round-the-clock "NHL Free Agent Super-Mega-Frenzy 2010" coverage.

NBA free agency: To the horror of fans, one team can assemble an instant dynasty by just going out and buying three of the best young players in the game.
NHL free agency: A team can only assemble a team of young superstars the honorable way: by purposely tanking several seasons for high draft picks.

NBA free agency: Teams are often unable to free up roster spots by trading players thanks to the intricacies of the salary cap.
NHL free agency: Teams are often unable to free up roster spots by trading players thanks to contracts given out by John Ferguson Jr.

NBA free agency: Players and teams may begin negotiating on July 1 but can not finalize a contract until July 8, in an effort to avoid tampering.
NHL free agency: No such restrictions are needed; unfailingly honest players and teams respect the league's strict tampering rules, then agree to complicated multi-year contracts 15 minutes after free agency begins.

NBA free agency: If you're really tall, some team will pay you millions of dollars even though you never learned how to skate.
NHL free agency: Derek Boogard.

NBA free agency: Teams can exceed the salary cap by resigning their own players thanks to a rule known as the Bird exception.
NHL free agency: Teams can exceed the roster limits by building a lineup consisting entirely of defencemen thanks to a rule known as the Burke exception.

NBA free agency: "The July Moratorium" is the first week of July each year, during which teams may not sign free agents or make trades.
NHL free agency: "The July Moratorium" is Ilya Kovalchuk's new nickname.

NBA free agency: Teams can achieve temporary cap relief by sending players to a minor league organization known as the D-League.
NHL free agency: Teams can achieve temporary cap relief by sending players to a minor league organization known as the Atlanta Thrashers.

NBA free agency: A player can undo years of positive image management with one foolish appearance on ESPN.
NHL free agency: Players wisely avoid this risk by never being mentioned on ESPN, ever, for any reason.

NBA free agency: The entire proceedings are overseen by a commissioner who is dedicated to making the NBA the most popular winter sports league in the world.
NHL free agency: Same.

Summer reruns: The most popular DGB posts of 2010

smcindoe@gmail.com (Down Goes Brown) — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 02:16:00 +0000

Sign a contract? Or take off
my shirt and stare creepily? Hmm...

It's been over a week between DGB posts. Here's why: I did a very stupid thing.

The stupid thing that I did was to think to myself "Self, you know what you should do for your next post? Something about the Ilya Kovalchuk signing, which is no doubt going to happen any minute now. Oh, it will be ever so grand!"

(Yes, in fact, my internal monologue is conducted in the voice of a 1920's schoolboy. Isn't yours?)

So while we all sit around waiting for Ilya to make up his mind about which team's salary cap he's going to completely destroy, let's ~~cynically fill up space~~ take a moment to reflect on the first half of the year. Here are the ten most popular DGB posts of 2010 so far.

#1 - Gary Bettman's hacked Gmail account
Hey, did you know that Gmail puts your most recent messages at the top of the page, not the bottom? It's true. I know this, because somebody told me. I'm trying to remember who it was. Oh, that's right, everybody.

#2 - Chris Pronger's other jerk moves
One jerk move Chris Pronger has yet to attempt: ruining my blog by taking a week to sign with the Kings.

#3 - An open letter to Vesa Toskala
This one wasn't very popular in Finland, where Vesa apparently still has a loyal fanbase. It was the subject of a long and angry thread on a Finnish hockey forum. Or at least that's what I was told. I visited the forum, and I can tell you that Finnish people must be the worst typers on the planet -- I could barely make out a single word anyone wrote.

#4 - The Real Sports Bar and Grill menu
Check out my mad Corel Photo-Paint skillz, yo.

#5 - Team Canada's friendly welcome to the rest of the world
Oh come on, like you know which team Mikko Koivu plays for.

#6 - The missing questions from ESPN's player survey
An additional missing question: What part of "star free agents sign contracts on July 1" do you not understand?

#7 - Brian Burke's letter to the other GMs about Tomas Kaberle
Breaking news: This wasn't really written by Brian Burke. (e5)

#8 - The other Maple Leafs training camp letters
I LIKE BALLONS!

#9 - It Felt a Little Like '93
True story: I met Bloge Salming in person for the first time a few weeks ago. Possibly true story: He speaks in auto-tune.

#10 - NHL GM's go online to prepare for the trade deadline
This one includes a hilarious joke about Jaroslav Halak being traded, even though he's the Habs best goalie. As if they would ever do that.

#11 - Signs you are taking way too long to sign your damn free agent contract
In progress.

NHL free agency through the years

smcindoe@gmail.com (Down Goes Brown) — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 01:56:00 +0000

With free agency season upon us, all eyes are focused on this year's crop of UFAs. Who'll get the best deal? Who'll bolt for the KHL? Which teams will improve, and which will be left on the sidelines?

We'll know soon enough. But in the meantime, let's remind ourselves of how unpredictable free agency can be by looking back at some notable signings from recent years.

Daniel and Henrik Sedin, Vancouver, 2009 - After signing a last-minute extension with the Canucks, the twins' plans to celebrate with a slice of that big cake that showed up on their doorstep that morning are ruined at 12:01 when Brian Burke awkwardly pops out of it.

Colton Orr, Toronto, 2009 - Orr becomes one of the highest paid enforcers in league history, thanks to a deal with Toronto that pays him a quarter for every time he punches Matt Carkner in the face.

Marion Gaborik, New York, 2009 - The Rangers sign the oft-injured star to a $37.5M deal. While other teams were willing to match the money, the Rangers were the only team to meet Gaborik's demands of a "no playoff-clinching shooutout" clause.

Brian Campbell & Cristobal Huet, Chicago, 2008 - The Blackhawks sign the pair to long-term contracts that most observers feel are significantly overpriced. While many fans fear the contracts will cripple the Hawks, the front office assures fans that the team will be able to stay under the salary cap thanks to careful roster management, judicious use of buyouts, or at least some other team eventually hiring Rick Dudley.

Thomas Vanek, Edmonton, 2007 - After an 84-point season, Vanek signs a $50M offer sheet with the Oilers which the Sabres are forced to match. After realizing how close he came to spending the rest of his career in Edmonton, a shaken Vanek vows to never risk attracting the Oilers' attention again by spending the next several seasons disguised as a second-liner.

Gary Roberts, Toronto, 2000 - Roberts agrees to terms with the Leafs, choosing their contract of just under $3M a season over the Senators' offer of "Oh god, sir, please don't hurt us, take whatever you want and just leave us alone".

Chris Drury and Scott Gomez, New York, 2007 - Upon learning that critics are calling the signings the worst free agent contracts that are even theoretically possible, Glen Sather mutters "we'll see about that" and circles Wade Redden's name with a yellow highlighter.

Sean Avery, Dallas, 2008 - Upon signing Avery, Stars general manager Brett Hull tells him "Hey, I know you're better known as a Ranger, but we don't mind picking up other teams' sloppy seconds. Ha ha! Um, why are you writing that down?"

Peter Forsberg, Philadelphia, 2005 - Coming out of the NHL lockout, Forsberg shuns the Avalanche to sign with the Flyers. "I really wanted to make the right decision," Forsberg tells reporters, "because I know that the experience of being an unrestricted free agent is one I'll only ever get to have once, maybe twice, per year, for the rest of my career."

Jason Blake, Toronto, 2007 - The Leafs agree to terms with Blake early in the day, although the actual contract signing is delayed several hours due to technical problems after it's discovered that John Ferguson Jr. had earlier tried to fax himself a grilled cheese sandwich.

The 2010 NHL Draft Liveblog

smcindoe@gmail.com (Down Goes Brown) — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 20:42:00 +0000

11:00 - The Islanders trade up to the 30th pick, and have their selection announced by Scott Wolf from Party of Five. And with that, the first round is over.

Thanks to everyone for dropping by tonight. Enjoy rounds two through seven tomorrow.

And hey, why didn't Tomas Kaberle get traded?

10:50 - Hey, here's a question: if I have the 25th pick, and I trade it for the 20th pick, did I just move "higher" or "lower" in the draft?

You're not sure, are you? Doesn't it seem strange that we've had decades of pro sports drafts and we don't know the answer to this question? Can we get this figured out? Somebody call the guys a Behind the Net and get them working on this.

10:45 - Wouldn't it be fantastic if a player who had just been drafted responded to Gary Bettman's handshake by leaning into his face and yelling "BOOOOOO"?

No? OK, moving on.

10:20 - We finally get confirmation on that Canucks/Panthers deal involving Keith Ballard. Meanwhile, TSN is showing photos of a child with a broken leg on a tricycle. Five picks to go. God help me.

10:00 - The Habs trade up for Jarred Tinordi. Fun fact: his father Mark played for the North Stars, was a defenceman, and had a career record of 0-437 against Wendel Clark.

9:50 - I have no idea who Pittsburgh just drafted, but when he pulled on a Penguins jersey with "10" on it, the entire Senators organization had a Gary Roberts flashback and fled the building.

9:40 - Brian Burke is interviewed on TSN and mentions turning down a first round pick for a defenceman. Duthie assumes it's Kaberle, Burke says no, Duthie asks for a name and Burke says "none of your business".

Is it me, or didn't we already know that Burke turned down a deal for Schenn this week. I thought we knew that. Didn't we know that?

9:15 - Sens are up. Bryan Murray is furiously shouting into a cell phone, leading to trade speculation. My guess: he's checking with the security to make sure Brian Burke isn't going to swoop in and steal his pick again.

9:10 - And we have a trade! The Kings trade up to #15.

Here's my question: for 364 days a year, it takes the NHL hours to confirm a trade. Just a few days ago, the Hawks/Thrashers deal took about six hours to go through all the league approvals. On deadline day, deals get announced throughout the evening because of delays.

But during the draft, a trade can get be made in five minutes. Why?

Does the NHL stop reviewing deals on draft night? Do they hire a second guy to work the phones? Do they outsource the customer service center to India for a night? How does this work? Am I using too many question marks? I think I am.

8:55 - The Coyotes wind up with top five prospect Brandon Gormley. They were using a pick they got from the Flames, by the way. For Olli Jokinen. Leaf fans, you can start feeling slightly better about yourself... now.

8:35 - The Rangers just passed up Fowler and Gormley for Dylan McIlrath. In related news, Pierre McGuire's eyebrows are floating six inches over his head right now.

8:30 - Six-word phrases that make me happy:

#3 - "That cheerleader thinks bloggers are sexy."

#2 - "Yes sir, it's an open bar."

#1 - "We have a trade to announce."

Needless to say, I'm 0-for-3 tonight.

8:20 - I'm going off-topic here, but can somebody explain to me what the deal is with the NBA draft? I don't follow basketball, but whenever I watch their draft there seems to be about three good players before you start hearing phrases like:

"With the fourth overall pick, they take a guy he doesn't know how to dribble yet."

"With the fifth overall pick, they take a guy who is seven feet tall and comes from a country where they have no basketballs."

"With the sixth overall pick, they take a guy with a bad hip and a deformed hand."

Hm, OK, maybe that last one was a bad example.

8:05 - Lightning GM Steve Yzerman picks Brett Connolly at #6. The TSN panel doesn't like the choice, until Bob Probert shows up and pummels them all.

7:45 - Pierre McGuire on the Blue Jackets pick Ryan Johansen: "He's really good. And he's only going to get better." Yes, that's certainly an important quality for an 18-year-old draft pick to have.

7:30 - The Bruins take Seguin. Hey, obscure trivia: did you know this pick once belonged to the Leafs? It's true. Gord Miller just mentioned it 9,000 times.

7:25 - The Bruins will take their full 15 minutes to make this pick. Because it's a really hard decision.

7:15 - It's official: Hall is the Oiler pick. He hugged his family, kissed his girlfriend, then pulled out his cellphone and called his agent to demand a trade as he was walking to the stage.

6:50 - We're almost ready to go. No word yet on who the Oilers will be picked.

Meanwhile, the other intrigue right now is a potential Keith Ballard trade. Which would be fantastic, because I could use the leftover "hit your own goalie in the head" jokes that I didn't get to use in December.

"I'm glad I got drafted first, because
no one remembers number two"

5:00 - Welcome to the 2010 NHL Draft liveblog. Tonight, hockey fans will finally get answers to questions such as:

Where will Tomas Kaberle be traded?
Will the Oilers take Taylor or Tyler with the #1 pick?
Will the Panthers use the #3 pick on that one guy, or that other slightly taller guy?
If the Leafs don't have any picks, why does TSN keep showing Brian Burke every few minutes?
Does Gary Bettman practice looking insufferably smug in the mirror, or is he just a natural?
Wait, Burke's on the phone! Is he trading Tomas Kaberle!
Has there ever been a draft pick that Pierre McGuire didn't like?
And hey, why didn't Tomas Kaberle get traded?

I'll be updating throughout the first round. I'll also be on Twitter, and maybe even Facebook. (Did you know I was Facebook? I'm on Facebook. Nobody knows I'm on Facebook.) Everything gets going at 7:00 EST.

In the meantime, here's a thought: There's been a recent trend in sports drafts of teams letting players announce their picks. The Capitals had Ovechkin do it a few years back, and there's a rumor that the Penguins may have Crosby do it today. I'd like to see more of this. I know most teams would rather use the opportunity to give the assistant director of scouting (aka "Mr. Electricity") some face time, but there's a lot of untapped potential here.

Such as: If you're the Boston Bruins, don't you fly in Tuuka Rask to make the #2 overall pick tonight? Wouldn't that be the greatest anti-Maple Leaf moment of all-time? Wouldn't TSN have to break out a split screen so they could show Brian Burke sitting at the Leafs table trying to swallow his own tongue?

Do it, Chiarelli.

Friday Funnies: For those with time to kill today. Like Leafs scouts.

smcindoe@gmail.com (Down Goes Brown) — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 12:10:00 +0000

The Friday Funnies is an occasional feature that highlights hockey humor from around the web.

Here's a few links from around the web to give you a quick laugh as we wait for the draft to get started. Unless you're a Bruins fan, in which case you've been laughing nonstop since September.

Chemmy from Pension Plan Puppets creates another Chick tract masterpiece. Read it, collect yourself, and then read the rest of them.
So why does Jason Spezza want out of Ottawa? Silver Seven Sens has the scoop.
If you missed it on Wednesday, here's the epic Ryan Getzlaf/Bobby Ryan skit from the NHL Awards. Go watch it now, Silver.
Courtesy of Blades of Funny, here's what to look for at the draft tables of various teams tonight.
Dion Phaneuf was making some big promises after being named captain, according to Intent to Blow.
Don't Trade Vinny, the world's greatest combination hockey humor/Tampa Bay Lightning fan blog, gets to the bottom of the Steve Yzerman hiring.
Habs Laughs lists several new Habs-licensed products hitting the market soon. Missing from the list: an automated comment filter.
Here's the pick for funniest tweet of the week. Man, what a brilliant parody account that is. Wait, what?
Do you love Bloge Salming? Do you love movies? Then you need to check out Bozo Films.
And finally, while it's not hockey-related, this was the week's funniest sports writing: a Guardian reporter liveblogging the Mahut/Isner match makes a slow descent into utter madness as he realizes it will never end.

Ciccarelli vs. Bure vs. Gilmour: The case for the Hall of Fame

smcindoe@gmail.com (Down Goes Brown) — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 00:51:00 +0000

Raise your hand if you don't belong in the Hall of Fame

The Hockey Hall of Fame's Selection Committee announced the 2010 inductees today, and they came with plenty of controversy.

The women's side saw the induction of Angela James and Cammi Granato, choices that most hockey fans are applauding. The builder's category excluded Pat Burns, which I won't write about because it makes me so angry that I'll end up slamming my face into my keyboard until my neck is nicknamed "Stumpy".

But on the men's side, the committee selected only one player: Dino Ciccarelli. The instant reaction bordered on disbelief, as most fans had expected players like Doug Gilmour or Pavel Bure to get the call instead.

I admit, I was one of those outraged fans. But then I decided to sit down and look at things rationally, and I have to admit: Ciccarelli has a good case. Don't believe me? Let's compare the three players:

Most memorable stat
Bure: Had 437 career goals, 120 of which came in back-to-back 60 goal seasons.
Gilmour: Had 1,602 career points, 188 of which came in the post-season.
Ciccarelli: Had 608 career goals, 13 of which came from outside the opponent's crease.

Nickname
Bure: "The Russian Rocket"
Gilmour: "Killer"
Ciccarelli: "The Poor Man's Dave Andreychuk"

Unique use of stick
Bure: Was among the first players to intentionally kick the puck up to their own stick to confuse a goalie during breakaways.
Gilmour: Used a stick without a curve to allow for accurate backhand passes.
Ciccarelli: Once tried to see whether it was possible to swat Luke Richardson's brain into the Maple Leaf Gardens greys.

When you saw him play, you thought...
Bure: "This guy is the most electrifying winger of his generation."
Gilmour: "This guy is one of the best two-way centers of all time."
Ciccarelli: "This guy is the second or third best right winger on his team."

Unfortunate fashion choice
Bure: Apparently wore lipstick during every game of his career.
Gilmour: Donned embarassing cow tights for a milk commercial.
Ciccarelli: Wore an orange jumpsuit for one day.

Would have been ever more productive if...
Bure: Knee injuries hadn't cut his career short.
Gilmour: The 1995 lockout hadn't interupted his Maple Leaf momentum.
Ciccarelli: The league hadn't enacted the controversial "you can't cross-check the goalie in the throat, Dino" rule.

Notable flaw
Bure: Would occasionally pick up his defensive man too late to prevent a scoring chance.
Gilmour: Would occasionally pick up retaliatory penalties without regard to game situations.
Ciccarelli: Would occasionally pick up his newspaper without wearing pants.

What you thought about him when you were a kid
Bure: Wow, he's almost impossible to stop once he got a full head of steam.
Gilmour: Wow, he's almost impossible to beat in puck battles along the boards.
Ciccarelli: Wow, he's almost impossible to spell.

Believe it or not
Bure: Has more 58+ goal seasons than Brett Hull or Rocket Richard.
Gilmour: Has more career playoff points than Steve Yzerman or Mario Lemieux.
Ciccarelli: Has more Hall of Fame plaques than Doug Gilmour or Pavel Bure.

Lasting legacy
Bure: Along with Sergei Fedorov and Alexander Mogilny, paved the way for a generation of dynamic Russian superstars.
Gilmour: Along with Pat Burns and Wendel Clark, rebuilt the Maple Leafs franchise from the ashes of the Harold Ballard era.
Ciccarelli: Along with Doc Seaman and Jimmy Devellano, ushered in an era where the Hockey Hall of Fame Selection Committee doesn't get to pick the inductees any more.

Signs you're not getting drafted this weekend

smcindoe@gmail.com (Down Goes Brown) — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 12:26:00 +0000

We're now just days away from the NHL draft, which begins on Friday night and concludes Saturday. Most of this week's coverage will focus Taylor Hall vs Tyler Seguin for the top overall spot, as well as which players will fill out the rest of the first round.

But there's another side to the story: There are hundreds of players hoping to hear their names called this weekend, and many will come away disappointed. Watching a player who wasn't picked file out of the arena at the draft's conclusion can be one of the most heartbreaking spectacles in sports. And it doesn't have to be that way.

So since a significant portion of DGB readers are draft eligible hockey players, this seems like a good time to inject some harsh reality into the week's proceedings. If you're hoping to hear your name called this weekend, read on for some signs that you may not be picked after all. It might spoil the surprise, but it's better to know the truth now.

Current estimated population of the earth: 6,828,300,000. Your current Central Scouting ranking: 6,828,300,001.
At the combine, the only workout event anyone ever asked you to do was the "100 meter dash to that exit door over there".
When a scout asks you whether you shoot right-handed or left-handed, you answer "You know, it's never come up".
Scouts unanimously agree that you're at your best in the faceoff circle, which is odd because you're a goalie.
Brian Burke scouted you for one game and immediately started trading away all his draft picks "just in case".
Instead of a cool nickname like "Ace" or "Boom Boom", everyone just refers to you as "That guy over there with his helmet on backwards".
You had a disappointing result on the Wingate test after the effort of climbing onto the stationary bike caused your lungs to explode.
The hour-long highlight DVD your agent sent around the league consisted entirely of a slow-motion loop of the one time you remembered to take your skate guards off before your first shift.
Lou Lamoriello promised to draft you just as soon as he wraps up the paperwork on that Brodeur-for-Semin deal.
Scouting reports describe you as "Alexei Kovalev without the commitment to winning".
Your entire segment on TSN's draft preview show consisted of Pierre McGuire asking NHL GMs to lean into their TV screen, then smacking the camera with a rolled up newspaper and yelling "NO!"
During your sit-down interviews with various teams at the combine, you answered every question with a 30-second long blast on the vuvuzela.
Despite your excellent dressing room presence and leadership skills, NHL front office executives can't seem to get past the whole "never played organized hockey before" thing.
You're so awful that the Habs are currently trying to figure out how to trade their best player for you.

MLSE's Real Sports Bar & Grill: The leaked menu

smcindoe@gmail.com (Down Goes Brown) — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 02:47:00 +0000

Last night was the highly anticipated grand opening of MLSE's Real Sports Bar & Grill. The massive establishment is the latest crown jewel in the MLSE corporate empire, and is sure to become Toronto's premier dining destination. Located right outside the ACC, Real Sports will open to the public next week and hosted a special invitation-only sneak peek last night.

Unfortunately, I wasn't able to make it due to prior commitments, travel complications, and the restraining order. But some of my spies were able to sneak in and get their hands on one of the menus. Even though it's top secret, I'm publishing it here.

Ever wondered what a Maple Leafs-themed restaurant would serve up? Wonder no more.

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A hockey fan's guide to the World Cup

smcindoe@gmail.com (Down Goes Brown) — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 12:18:00 +0000

The Canadian referee kept waving off
goals due to distinctive kicking motions

Hockey fans experiencing withdrawal after the end of the NHL season got some good news when the FIFA World Cup began on Friday. But while hockey fans would no doubt appreciate the spectacle of the world's most popular sporting event, many don't understand the "beautiful game".

On the surface, the World Cup is actually quite similar to the NHL. But while there are several difference, many are subtle and may prove confusing for novice fans. That's why I put a call out to DGB's various international bureaus, and together we put together this guide for hockey fans hoping to follow the World Cup action over the coming month.

The World Cup: If you see a guy wearing flamboyant clothing who is struggling to communicate with you in English, he is likely a diehard fan who was travelled from an exotic foreign land to attend the game.
The NHL: If you see a guy wearing flamboyant clothing who is struggling to communicate with you in English, he is likely Don Cherry.

The World Cup: The sport is called "football", although Americans often refer to it as "soccer".
The NHL: The sport is called "hockey", although Americans often refer to it as "something to watch if there's no baseball, football, basketball, golf, Nascar, poker, MMA, fishing or bowling on TV".

The World Cup: "Injury time" refers to the additional playing time added to the end of each half at the discretion of the referee.
The NHL: "Injury time" refers to whenever Rick DiPietro steps on the ice.

The World Cup: Watching a game can be almost unbearable thanks to the "vuvuzela", a South African noisemaking horn that produces a horribly annoying noise that drones on nonstop for the entire game, leaving you fighting the urge to hurl the remote through your TV screen.
The NHL: Pierre McGuire.

The World Cup: The games can start as early as 7:30 a.m., due to differences in international time zones.
The NHL: The games can start as early as 7:30 a.m., due to NBC not wanting to preempt any important infomercials or horse racing pregame shows later that afternoon.

The World Cup: In 1986, the "Hand of God" sent Argentina into the semi-finals at Mexico City.
The NHL: In 1993, the "Hand of God" sent Marty McSorley's eyeball into the fifteenth row at Maple Leaf Gardens.

The World Cup: A player will occasionally be granted a "penalty kick", presenting him with so much open net to shoot at that he's virtually guaranteed to score as long as he doesn't miss the net or hit the post.
The NHL: This is known as "shooting against Vesa Toskala".

The World Cup: The last thing anyone wants to see is a referee holding a red card.
The NHL: The last thing anyone wants to see is Chris Neil holding a credit card.

The World Cup: In an embarrassing display that any self-respecting sports fan would feel nauseated by, players will often react to even the slightest contact by pretending to be injured while rolling around pathetically on the grass.
The NHL: Completely different. The game is played on ice instead of grass.

The World Cup: Riot police must often use tear gas, armoured vehicles and water cannons to subdue reckless perpetrators of violence known as "hooligans".
The NHL: Riot police must often use tear gas, armoured vehicles and water cannons to subdue reckless perpetrators of violence known as "Chris Pronger".

The World Cup: Canadian teams never win.
The NHL: Same.

The World Cup: If you notice a player wearing a different jersey than his teammates, it's because he is the goalie.
The NHL: If you notice a player wearing a different jersey than his teammates, it's because he arrived five minutes late and his team had already done another jersey redesign.

The World Cup: A game which is played under standard rules but won't have any actual impact on the final standings or eventual champion is known as a "friendly".
The NHL: A game which is played under standard rules but won't have any actual impact on the final standings or eventual champion is known as a "Maple Leafs regular season game after mid-November".

Leaked: Brian Burke's letter to the other 29 GMs about Tomas Kaberle

smcindoe@gmail.com (Down Goes Brown) — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 12:49:00 +0000

Without question, the biggest story in hockey this week is the continuing trade rumors swirling around Tomas Kaberle. According to reports, Brian Burke recently sent a letter to the league's other 29 GMs to clarify the circumstances around Kaberle's no-trade clause.

Hockey fans around the world were curious: What did Burke have to say in that letter? Did he tip his hand?

Well, thanks to some top secret DGB sources, you're about to find out. I was able to obtain a copy of the letter Burke sent to his fellow GMs, and I've posted it here for everyone to see. I think it sheds a lot of light on how he's approaching the process.

(It goes without saying, but I can't reveal the source of this document. It was given to me in the strictest confidence, and there's no doubt Burke would go ballistic if he knew who was leaking his private communications.)

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Things to do now that the NHL season is over

smcindoe@gmail.com (Down Goes Brown) — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 01:23:00 +0000

And so another NHL season ends. The 2009-2010 NHL season is officially in the books, thanks to tonight's game that ended with Chicago Blackhawks all skating around with some big silver trophy that I didn't recognize but which seemed to be important.

And if you're a typical hardcore fan who's been watching every game you could since October, you're probably wondering: what the heck am I supposed to do now?

Never fear. Even though it's difficult to pass the time without a hockey game to watch, it's not impossible. There are plenty of useful ways you could spend your off-season. And here's a few ideas just to get you started:

Buy an expensive bottle of wine, light a few candles, cook a romantic meal, and eat it alone in the dark after realizing your spouse left you two months ago.
Head to library and sign out a collection of the world's greatest sonnets; come home and see if any of them are the right size to prop up that wobbly leg on your bigscreen TV stand.
Find a sports bar showing a few different baseball games, settle in, and watch somebody throw a perfect game.
Call realtor. Cancel cable. Start packing. (Note: Tomas Kaberle only.)
Touch up resume, send it to the Chicago Tribune for upcoming sports editor vacancy.
Try to remember the last time you fed your puppy. In unrelated task, attempt to find the source of that awful smell coming from the crawlspace.
Try to arrange for a few days off work by requesting vacation time, getting a friend to pick up a few shifts, or criticizing Cito Gaston.
Tune in to CNN, find out how they ended up stopping that oil spill you heard about back in April.
Figure out the names of the guys in the band that sings that "Chelsea Dagger" song. Find them. Punch them all repeatedly in the face.
Hope against hope that, somehow, some other sport will emerge to satisfy your passion for low-scoring games, "Ole Ole" chants, and Europeans flopping around on the ground even though nobody touched them.
Find a Leaf fan, ask them what they've been doing for fun since November.
Anything you want, but do it quickly -- training camp starts on Monday.

Signs your favorite player may be bankrupt

smcindoe@gmail.com (Down Goes Brown) — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 20:59:00 +0000

Keep punching, Milan. They pay $20 per pint.

We heard some surprising news from Ottawa today, with reports that Senators' winger Chris Neil is apparently bankrupt. While the case appears to involve a family business and not Neil directly, he's still on the hook to creditors for $2.4 million.

Many hockey fans are stunned -- how can a guy who recently signed an $8 million contract find himself in financial trouble? Unfortunately, this sort of story turns out not to be an uncommon one in the league. Despite their high salaries, many players find themselves in severe financial difficulty.

Could it happen to your favorite player? Maybe. Just in case, here are some subtle signs that an NHL player may be broke:

After every victory, he digs up center ice to see if anyone hid a toonie in it.
If his team ever wins a championship, his plans for his "day with the Cup" involves sitting on a street corner and shaking it at passers-by.
His new dental bridge appears to be made out of paper mache, duct tape, and seven of Duncan Keith's old teeth.
Every time he goes out to eat, he tries to convince one of the Canadiens forwards to order him something from the kid's menu.
His current salary cap hit is negative fourteen million dollars.
He walks around looking like he spent five dollars on his haircut, instead of seven dollars like all his teammates.
Every time the zamboni slows down, he jumps out and starts trying to squeegee its windshield.
On Twitter, Allan Walsh keeps referring to him as "Client Mr. Better-Pay-His-Agent-If-He-Still-Wants-To-Have-Kneecaps".
Several weeks ago, he offered to buy Dustin Byfulgien lunch.
He's drowning in so much red ink that Ron Maclean immediately breaks into his slow motion Hasselhoff beach sprint every time he sees him.
Instead of a playoff beard or playoff moustache, he's currently rocking a playoff GoldenPalace.com forehead tattoo.
When the Edmonton Oilers call with a contract offer, he answers the phone.
He's started blogging for Hockeybuzz. (Wait, I'm sorry, that was meant for the list of "Signs your favorite player is morally bankrupt").
He's so desperate for money that he's started posing for newspaper covers wearing a skirt.
Gary Bettman just legally adopted him.