Down Goes Brown

What went wrong? Excuses from the NHL's losers

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Thu, 16 May 2013 19:22:00 +0000

It's called Therriening. It's just like Tebowing,
except for the part where you have a prayer.

The first round of the playoffs is finally over, which means we're down to eight teams left standing. Those teams deserve a round of applause, and they'll get it… somewhere else. Because as long-time readers know, the end of the first round also means it's time for our annual tribute to the 22 teams whose seasons ended without even winning a single series.

Yes, the losers. The also-rans. The teams that, if we're being honest, basically wasted everyone's time by even bothering to show up this year.

Luckily, every loser has an excuse, and these 22 teams are no exception. So while everyone else is focused on the eight remaining teams, here's a look back at what went wrong for the rest of the league.

Anaheim Ducks - Over the last few days, every time Bruce Boudreau started a team meeting by shouting "Let's come up with a plan for finishing off those Wings!" we'd all sit there in the dark for an hour before realizing he'd just gone to lunch.

Montreal Canadiens - Should probably have let Carey Price do the triple-low-five in the playoffs against the Senators, since it would have been nice to see his glove hand actually make contact with something every now and then.

New York Islanders - When coaches urged the team to go out and match the Penguins in every area of the game during their first round series, in hindsight they probably should have made a point to exclude "terrible goaltending".

New Jersey Devils - Never got over the loss of that 29th overall first round pick we forfeited last year, we assume, because man it would have been completely ridiculous for us not to.

Philadelphia Flyers - It turns out that playing Luke Schenn 20+ minutes a night in front of terrible goaltending is a recipe for missing the playoffs, as if anyone ever could have predicted that.

Winnipeg Jets - Everyone agrees that we have the league's loudest and smartest fans, which is tough because you try playing every game in front of 15,000 fans chanting "Wow, this roster is terrible".

Carolina Hurricanes - While extensive travel is difficult in these difficult economic times, might still have to think about someday sending a scout or two somewhere other than the annual Staal family reunion.

Buffalo Sabres - Tyler Myers just hasn't been as intimidating ever since the rest of the league realized he's actually a short guy sitting on another short guy's shoulders while wearing an oversized trench coat.

Florida Panthers - Just couldn't cut it in the ultra-competitive Southeast; sure hope we get moved to a much easier division next year.

Calgary Flames - Finally got around to taking down that big banner reading "Remember, we went to the Finals a few years ago so let's just keep the same roster together until we hit rock bottom" from our dressing room, because it was a terrible idea and demoralized our players and also the Vancouver Canucks need it now.

Colorado Avalanche - Are patiently waiting for that one final step every struggling young team has to take before they finally become a legitimate playoff threat: losing P.A. Parenteau as a free agent.

Washington Capitals - Lost games six and seven after falling victim to a vast pro-Rangers conspiracy among NHL officials. Specifically, the ones who wrote that section of the rulebook about how teams have to be able to score at least one goal to win.

Dallas Stars - Had a room full of guys who were all working towards the same ultimate goal, and nothing will ever match the look of excitement in a player's eyes when he gets pulled into the coach's office and told he's finally earned a call-up to Pittsburgh.

Tampa Bay Lightning - We're a team that needs a top-quality goaltender and our general manager spent his whole career playing with Tim Cheveldae and Chris Osgood, so you do the math.

Minnesota Wild - Instead of irresponsibly spending almost $200 million on unrestricted free agents, should probably have spent a few bucks to retain whichever trainer had been in charge of making sure every goalie in the organization didn't get hurt at the same time.

St. Louis Blues - You hate it when your best playmaker suddenly gets all greedy and stops passing you the puck, but that's what happened with stupid selfish Jonathan Quick.

Phoenix Coyotes - They say that all teams follow the example set by their ownership, so we spent a few months pretending to be working really hard while actually having no intention of accomplishing anything.

Nashville Predators - Were under specific orders from ownership to play so poorly that frustrated fans pelted us with coins, since that's the only way they're going to be able to afford to pay Shea Weber.

Columbus Blue Jackets - Felt kind of bad about ruining all your expert "Blue Jackets finish dead last" predictions, so decided to hold off on winning the Cup for one more year.

Edmonton Oilers - Kevin Lowe responds to any criticism he hears by saying "I can't see you, I have six Stanley Cup rings jammed into my eyes", which would be funny except that's also how he does all his scouting.

Vancouver Canucks - Spent the whole year focused on getting the first goal so that we could play with the lead and wouldn't have to come from behind, only to find out at the end of the season that the NHL apparently has a different definition of "from behind" than the rest of the world.

Toronto Maple Leafs - You know how when a baseball pitcher is just minutes away from a no-hitter or perfect game or some other all-time career highlight that your fans will cherish forever, and all his teammates are supposed to just leave him completely alone? Yeah, it turns out you're not supposed to do that with your goalie.

Featuring 70 posts including 24 chapters of exclusive new material, The Best of Down Goes Brown is now available.

Grantland: On game seven, what it means to be a sports fan, and how Those Games ruin everything

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Tue, 14 May 2013 20:13:00 +0000

There’s a secret that Toronto fans aren’t supposed to talk about, but after what happened Monday night, I don’t care about anything anymore, so here it is: Heading into Game 7 against the Boston Bruins, Leafs fans were OK with losing.

Not "OK" as in we wouldn't care. Leafs fans wanted a win, were hoping for a win, and — in some cases — may even have talked ourselves into expecting a win. And we were ready for the three hours of agony we knew were coming. A Game 7 in the NHL playoffs is pure torture, and Leaf supporters were feeling that every bit as much as fans of the Bruins.

But there was an insurance policy, because the 2013 Leafs season was already a success. A team that hadn’t made the playoffs in seven years and was expected to miss them yet again had ended the drought. Young players who’d been written off as busts suddenly emerged. A franchise that floundered for a decade had finally found an identity. And though they were written off after falling behind three games to one in a series against a team that had spent the last few years kicking sand in their faces, the Leafs clawed back with a pair of gutsy wins to force a deciding game.

A loss would sting for a while, sure. But it couldn’t really hurt, not the way big losses are supposed to. It couldn’t leave a scar, whether it came in a blowout or sudden death or somewhere in between.

Unless it turned out to be one of Those Games.

>> Read the full post at Grantland

Grantland: A look back at the first round

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Mon, 13 May 2013 18:51:00 +0000

The first round of the NHL playoffs isn’t over quite yet, thanks to a pair of Game 7s tonight. But since one of those games involves the Toronto Maple Leafs, I’ll be completely incapable of even basic human function all day long so we better just go ahead and do this now.

Let’s take a look back at the past two weeks of action, and hand out a few awards to the best and worst of (almost) the entire first round.

>> Read the full post at Grantland

Grantland grab bag: Drop the puck!

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Sat, 11 May 2013 00:03:00 +0000

In the weekly grab bag: An important message for reporters, Hockey Sock Rock, and a debate about whether linesmen take too long to drop the puck.

>> Read the full post at Grantland

Grantland: Forget the Battle Of Ontario, let's enjoy the Northeast's new playoff rivalries

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Sat, 11 May 2013 00:02:00 +0000

Playoff time in Toronto and Ottawa used to mean the Battle of Ontario. That was the creative nickname slapped onto the rivalry between the two teams who faced each other four years out of five from 2000 to 2004. Fans of either team don’t need to be reminded how that went: The Leafs won all four series, in increasingly cruel fashion.

This season marks the first time since 2004 that both teams are in the NHL playoffs, although this time they are not facing each other. This week, I dropped by Ottawa’s Scotiabank Place and Toronto’s Air Canada Centre to take in a pair of Game 4s.

>> Read the full post at Grantland

Sizing up the 2013 Masterton nominees

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Tue, 07 May 2013 12:03:00 +0000

Ever the gentleman, Crosby helpfully reminds
fans of the other teams where their tears go.

The Masterton Trophy is awarded annual to the NHL player who who best exemplifies the qualities of perseverance, sportsmanship, and dedication to hockey, and is voted on by members of the Professional Hockey Writers' Association. All 30 teams' local chapters vote on a nominee, with the league winner selected from that group.

While the trophy usually goes to a player who has returned to action for a serious injury or illness, the award's criteria are loose enough that various forms of "perseverance, sportsmanship, and dedication" can be recognized.

All 30 teams have announced their nominees for this year's award. Here's a look through the league at some of the players who were honored.

Edmonton Oilers: Ryan Smyth - Perhaps no player in the past 20 years has been as strongly associated with the Edmonton Oilers as Smyth, who has shown tremendous dedication and perseverance by continually getting out of bed in the morning anyways.

Carolina Hurricanes: Dan Ellis - Would be a great choice for the award assuming it comes with some sort of cash bonus, according to Twitter comedians who just realized they still have a few "Dan Ellis Problems" they forgot to use three years ago.

Toronto Maple Leafs: James Reimer - The 25-year-old has admitted that he was touched to receive a special plaque congratulating him on being the starting goaltender who finally led the Maple Leafs back to the playoffs, even though he could help but notice it had Roberto Luongo's name scratched out and his written over it in pencil.

Tampa Bay Lightning: BJ Crombeen - The hard-working forward will likely have his ballot punched by several voters, including those from Philadelphia who will keep punching it long after it's clearly done.

Colorado Avalanche: J.S. Giguere - Is a long-shot for the award based on betting odds posted in Las Vegas, we assume, if that was the sort of place any of us were allowed to go without getting yelled at by Old Man McCrankypants, mutter all his young teammates bitterly.

Winnipeg Jets: Ron Hainsey - The Jets' defenceman and key NHLPA figure has shown incredible dedication in continuing to compete hard all year long despite the fact that he will never play hockey again after this season, according to all 30 NHL owners as they twirl their mustaches evilly.

Minnesota Wild: Josh Harding - Returned to the NHL as a goaltender just months after being diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, but hey, great job being old Vinny Prospal, I'm sure you've got a real shot at winning this too.

Nashville Predators: Pekka Rinne - Has inspired a generation of fans with his valiant effort to somehow make it as an NHL goaltender despite having to play with a body so big that he can fill the entire net without moving.

Ray Whitney, Dallas Stars - His nomination specifically mentions his dedication to waiting until the season is over before throwing his teammates under the bus, so come to think of it they may have the wrong "R. Whitney".

Philadelphia Flyers: Kimmo Timonen - The veteran defenceman has spent the last six years working closely with the developmentally disabled or disadvantaged or whatever the proper term is these days for Flyers goaltenders.

Pittsburgh Penguins: John Wilkes Booth - Just to troll Jack Edwards.

Los Angeles Kings: Jonathan Bernier - Was nominated for his perseverance in his role as a backup goalie who never plays, in what experts agree is a sobering reminder that maybe we don't actually need a nominee from every single team for this award.

Montreal Canadiens: Andrei Markov - Was nominated based on the sportsmanship he displayed in the first three games of the team's playoff series with Ottawa, which he spent elbowing Senators players in the throat instead of directly in the temple like all of his teammates.

Featuring 70 posts including 24 chapters of exclusive new material, The Best of Down Goes Brown is now available.

Grantland grab bag: Stay classy, naked gladiator guy

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Fri, 03 May 2013 18:28:00 +0000

In this week's grab bag: Don Cherry vs. the women, the Senators' pre-game gladiator is the YouTube clip of the week, playoff outrage, and a very important message to hockey fans who tell people to "stay classy".

>> Read the full post on Grantland

Grantland: The bandwagon fan's guide to the NHL playoffs

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Wed, 01 May 2013 01:29:00 +0000

The NHL playoffs are here, and if you cheer for one of the 16 teams that made the cut, you know what you need to do: Put fresh batteries in the remote, kiss your loved ones good-bye, and get ready for the emotional roller coaster that you’re about to ride.

But what if your team didn’t make it? What if you find yourself looking for a bandwagon to jump on over the next few weeks? Well, in that case you ~~could refuse to do that because bandwagon-jumpers are the absolute worst fans in sports~~ better choose carefully!

It’s not an easy decision. In fact, choosing a temporary team can be one of the toughest calls a sports fan can make. You want a team that’s fun to watch, is riding a nice story, and preferably has a chance to win at least a round or two. You might prefer a franchise with some recent success, but not so much that you seem like a front-runner. And of course, you’ll want to be associating yourself with a worthy fan base, even if the relationship is only going to be short term.

I’m here to help. So I went through all 16 playoff teams and ranked them in terms of their desirability as a bandwagon destination. If you want someone to root for during the postseason but you’re not sure which team to choose, consult this handy guide to make sure you don’t make a decision you’ll regret.

>> Read the full post at Grantland

Eastern Conference playoff preview

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 12:15:00 +0000

Mandatory playoff preview week continues. Yesterday we took a look at the Western Conference. Given the absence of a Northern or Southern Conference, I guess that means today we're stuck with the East.

#8 New York Islanders vs. #1 Pittsburgh Penguins

The Islanders kept it close until a
second Penguins player showed up.

The view from Long Island: Will try to shut down the Penguins' best players the same way they always do: By giving the puck to Brooks Orpik at the point and hoping he takes a slapshot.

The view from Pittsburgh: Will have to play a disciplined game, and try not to take a bunch of too-many-men penalties every time Dan Bylsma yells "Get out there, future hall-of-famer!"

Player to watch: David Volek, on a YouTube loop, while quietly muttering "I believe in miracles" to yourself.

#7 Ottawa Senators vs. #2 Montreal Canadiens

The two Senators were overjoyed to find a
teammate who hadn't been injured yet. (During
the celebration, both players were injured.)

The view from Ottawa: They say that an underdog just needs to win one game in front of the other team's fans, which is great news for the Senators since they'll get seven tries.

The view from Montreal: Have already printed up their "2013 Northeast Division Champs" ball caps, in case you were wondering what Carey Price would be wearing on the bench halfway through each game.

Player to watch: Erik Karlsson's injured leg is 100% back to normal, because it was always made out of a glowing metallic substance that makes a weird humming sound so just stop asking about that, OK?

#6 New York Rangers vs. #3 Washington Capitals

Hey, you do realize we're allowed to play other teams, right?

The view from New York: A Rangers loss could mean the end of John Tortorella, a story which the New York media will no doubt cover solemnly as soon as they’re done doing cartwheels in the pressbox.

The view from Washington: The Capitals managed to wrap up the Southeast thanks to hard work, dedication to their game plan, and being the only team in the division that remembered to take their skate guards off before each game.

Player to watch: Alexander Ovechkin, preferably through one of those pinhole projectors kids make during an eclipse so that the constant red light doesn't damage your retina.

#5 Toronto Maple Leafs vs. #4 Boston Bruins

Seguin couldn't shake the feeling he
should know this guy from somewhere.

The view from Toronto: The Maple Leafs players will have to deal with the crushing pressure of being solely responsible for making sure Toronto sports fans don't realize what's going on right now with the Blue Jays.

The view from Boston: Tyler Seguin is trying to explain to an sobbing Jack Edwards that he never meant to offend him, and it was only a typo when he recently tweeted "no homer".

Player to watch: Zdeno Chara and that funny whimpering noise coming from his locker, if you're the private investigator assigned to Phil Kessel's missing persons case in about two weeks.

Featuring 70 posts including 24 chapters of exclusive new material, The Best of Down Goes Brown is now available.

Western Conference playoff preview

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Mon, 29 Apr 2013 12:56:00 +0000

Another NHL regular season is in the books. The standings are set, 14 teams have been sent packing, and the matchups have been finalized. And that means it's playoff preview time.

We'll cover the Eastern Conference tomorrow. Today, let's start off with a look at the Western Conference matchups.

#8 Minnesota Wild vs. #1 Chicago Blackhawks

Damn you, google image search for "most recent
meaningful Minnesota/Chicago hockey game"

The view from Minnesota: The team spent almost $200 million in free agency so Wild fans could watch a championship caliber team, and now they can for four games until the Blackhawks move on to round two.

The view from Chicago: Know that playoff success can come down to taking advantage of just a few short seconds on one single shift, which is good since that's probably all the time that Ryan Suter will be spending on the bench each game.

Player to watch: Duncan Keith, assuming he's soaping himself up in the shower and you are an impudent lady reporter, Don Cherry assumes.

#7 Detroit Red Wings vs. #2 Anaheim Ducks

This photo includes way too many first names.

The view from Detroit: The Red Wings deserve respect for their dramatic late-season playoff push, but announcing that they plan to fill their Gatorade bottles with the tears of Columbus Blue Jacket fans still seems a little over-the-top.

The view from Anaheim: Fought hard all year to climb the standings, clinch a high seed, and put themselves in the position to be the "shocking first round upset" pick in literally every postseason preview on the planet.

Player to watch: Nicklas Lidstrom, if you're one of the round-the-clock security guards hired by the other 29 NHL teams to make sure he never even thinks about coming back.

#6 San Jose vs. #3 Vancouver Canucks

Alexander Semin was always late for
the "playoff chokers club" meetings.

The view from San Jose: The front office is expecting a long playoff run that will see the team travel all around North America, the players assume, since it would explain why Doug Wilson has been so busy packing everything in Todd McLellan's office into cardboard boxes.

The view from Vancouver: Coach Alain Vigneault has reminded all his players that if they want to win they'll need to put in a full night's work every game, so one 22-second shift should pretty much cover it.

Player to watch: Cory Schneider's mysterious injury hasn't healed yet and he may be unable to start the series, said Roberto Luongo while awkwardly holding a dented folding chair behind his back.

#5 LA Kings vs. #4 St. Louis Blues

You know, this might work better if we weren't
both facing in the same direction.

The view from LA: The Kings enter the series as the underdog because they're the lower seed, so they basically have no chance.

The view from St. Louis: The team has been much better ever since they realized that mysterious power switch in their dressing room that they've been randomly flicking on and off all season is actually the one that toggles Brian Elliott from "awesome" to "Brian Elliott".

Player to watch: Jay Bouwmeester, as he sits alone peeling off his equipment in the dressing room wondering where everyone else is five minutes and one second into every overtime.

Featuring 70 posts including 24 chapters of exclusive new material, The Best of Down Goes Brown is now available.

Grantland grab bag: No, I'm pretty sure Albert wasn't supposed to be Brazilian

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Fri, 26 Apr 2013 17:11:00 +0000

In the weekly grab bag: A week of dumb outrage, don't mess with Tony Twist, a debate about where games are too loud, and more Albert ad theories.

>> Read the full post at Grantland

Grantland: A dozen possible first round matchups I'd love to see

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Fri, 26 Apr 2013 00:07:00 +0000

The NHL playoffs are less than a week away, and we’re starting to get a clearer picture of exactly which teams will be involved.

But while several are locked into a playoff spot, there’s still plenty of uncertainty over what the actual first-round matchups will be. So this seems like a good time to start thinking ahead to some potential pairings.

We’re not necessarily going to worry about the most likely scenarios, just the potentially best ones. To keep from veering too far into wishful thinking, we’ll limit it to matchups that have at least a 15 percent chance of happening, according to Sports Club Stats.

Here are a dozen possible playoff matchups that hockey fans can start getting excited about.

>> Read the full post at Grantland

A look back at players who have led the NHL in goal-scoring

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Tue, 23 Apr 2013 12:45:00 +0000

Ovechkin recently announced that, in order to
"make it more challenging", he will play all future
shifts while simultaneously performing show tunes.

The NHL season has a week to go, and there's no question about who the hottest player in the league is down the stretch. That would be Alexander Ovechkin, the much-maligned superstar who has recorded 20 goals in his last 18 games.

That streak has pushed Ovechkin to the top of the league's goal-scoring race, making him the favorite to lead the league for a third time. That would put him in great company. The league has honored the goal-scoring leader with the prestigious Rocket Richard Trophy since 1999, but even in the years before that award was created there's always been a special aura associated with leading the NHL in goals.

Here's a look back at some of the players from the past who've held that honor.

2006 - While offensive totals increase dramatically due to a series of post-lockout rule changes aimed at increasing scoring, in hindsight the league may have gone too far with that whole "nobody is allowed to use a goalie when Jonathan Cheechoo is on the ice" thing.

2007 - Vincent Lecavalier's 52 goals wins the Rocket Richard Trophy, which Brian Lawton will later claim he totally could have traded for two Stanley Cups, three Vezinas and the Lombardi Trophy.

2003 - Milan Hejduk wins the award with a 50-goal season, causing you to reminiscence fondly about how they're just aren't any players like that in the league any more right up until he awkwardly taps you on the shoulder and reminds you that he actually still plays for Colorado.

1993 - Teemu Selanne ties for the league lead when he scores 76 goals as a rookie, then decides to dial it back a little since he doesn't want to be one of those flash-in-the-pan types who burns out after only 16 or 17 seasons.

1980 - Charlie Simmer, Danny Gare and Blaine Stoughton finish in a three-way tie for the league goal-scoring lead, just in case you were wondering why that "1980 season highlights" video is always in the discount bin.

1995 - Peter Bondra leads the league in goals despite recording just nine assists. He accepts the honor while graciously thanking his linemates, a cardboard cutout of Dennis Maruk and that one broken piece from your childhood table-top hockey game.

1996 - While impressive at the time, most historians now agree that Mario Lemieux's 69-goal season was tainted due to his flagrantly unfair advantage of being healthy enough to play in 85% of his team's games while also being Mario Lemieux.

1981 - Mike Bossy tops the league with 68 goals while leading the Islanders to their second of four straight Stanley Cups, according to the Islander fan who just woke up from the coma he asked to be placed in until the next time he'd have anything to be happy about.

2004 - The Rocket Richard Trophy is shared in a three-way tie between Jarome Iginla, Rick Nash and Ilya Kovalchuk, before the league immediately shuts down for a lockout over a salary cap that will ensure that young superstars can finish their NHL careers with the teams they started with.

1997 - Anaheim's Selanne and Phoenix's Keith Tkachuk battle until the final day for goal-scoring title after the NHL decides that would be easier than having Gary Bettman wander the streets of Winnipeg punching every hockey fan he sees in the throat.

2001 - Pavel Bure wins his second straight Richard Trophy thanks to his blinding speed, accurate shot, and the patented breakaway move he calls "distract the goalie with the fact that all your knee ligaments are dragging behind you like wet spaghetti".

1982-87 - Wayne Gretzky and Jari Kurri combine for six consecutive years in which an Edmonton Oiler wins the goal-scoring title, which they will later attribute to teammate Kevin Lowe's leadership, motivation, and ability to talk them out of having shoulder surgery even when it's obvious they really need it.

2012 - Steven Stamkos becomes only the second player in 15 years to reach the 60-goal plateau, a mark that many historians predict will not be reached again until, oh, sometime this weekend at the rate Ovechkin's going.

Featuring 70 posts including 24 chapters of exclusive new material, The Best of Down Goes Brown is now available.

Grantland: 20 thoughts about the playoffs-bound Maple Leafs

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Tue, 23 Apr 2013 02:59:00 +0000

My name is Sean, and I’m a Toronto Maple Leafs fan.

This will no doubt come as a shock to anyone who’s been reading my stuff over the years. As a respectable sportswriter, I have carefully hidden any team allegiances I may have so as not to appear biased. Especially observant readers might have picked up on some subtle hints, like the way I force at least one Leaf reference into everything I write, or that my Twitter avatar is a Maple Leaf punching a guy in the face, or that I named my first-born son “Dougie," or that I can’t write a single word without first watching the Wendel Clark “All Heart” video a dozen times to get pumped up. But for the rest of you, this is probably a shock. The secrecy is over.

Also over: Toronto’s playoff drought. On Saturday night in front of a raucous Ottawa crowd, the Leafs beat the Senators 4-1 and finally got that precious “x” next to their name in the standings. They’re in. The Toronto Maple Leafs are going to the playoffs.

My editors asked if I’d like to write a few words about that. [The opening bars of “Hero of the Day” begin to play in the background.] Yes, yes I think I would.

Here are 20 things you need to know about the playoff-bound Maple Leafs.

>> Read the full post at Grantland

Grantland grab bag: Why does Albert have his first name on the back of his jersey?

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Fri, 19 Apr 2013 17:03:00 +0000

In the weekly grab bag: Too many outdoor games, Don Cherry reveals his list, your favourite player is a dirtbag, Chris Pronger makes me sad, and the most iconic commercial in Canadian history.

>> Read the full post at Grantland

Grantland: Famous hockey moments that would have been way better if we'd had Twitter

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Fri, 19 Apr 2013 15:44:00 +0000

It’s one of those topics that come up every now and then: What would famous moments in history have been like if Twitter had been around?

Usually people talk about things like the first Wright brothers flight or the invention of the light bulb, but I’d rather focus on something important, like hockey. So I put together a list of nine notable moments from hockey history that I think would have been way more fun if we’d had Twitter back then.

>> Read the full post at Grantland

Grantland: What every hockey fan needs to know about a possible Leafs/Habs first round series

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Wed, 17 Apr 2013 22:54:00 +0000

We’re getting close to the end of the NHL regular season, and the postseason scenarios are rapidly taking shape. Teams are clinching spots, the death watches have begun, and fans of playoff-bound teams are already looking ahead to possible first-round matchups.

But of all the potential pairings, one looms above the rest: the Toronto Maple Leafs facing the Montreal Canadiens.

According to Sports Club Stats, a Leafs-Habs pairing is the most likely first-round series in the league right now, at just slightly better than a 50 percent chance. Is that enough to call it a sure thing? Not at all. Is it enough to prematurely crank up the hype machine? Oh, baby.

Here are 10 things you need to know about a potential playoff meeting between the Maple Leafs and Canadiens:

It’s the greatest rivalry in NHL history.

Not necessarily the greatest rivalry of today — you could make a good case for Boston-Montreal or Pittsburgh-Philadelphia. And not the greatest rivalry of our generation, thanks to these guys.

But with all due respect to those teams and others, nothing can match the history of the league’s oldest rivalry. The two teams have combined for more than 30 Stanley Cups, including 13 of 14 between 1956 and 1969, and each have more than 50 players in the Hall of Fame.

And yes, this is the part where you point out that all that happened decades ago and doesn’t matter much today. To which the hockey world responds: Pull your pants up, you insufferable brat. If you’re a hockey fan, especially a Canadian one, this is the rivalry your grandparents’ generation grew up with and passed down. No matter where you are or what team you cheer for, the history of the Maple Leafs and Canadiens is a big part of why you’re a fan.

>> Read the full post at Grantland

The other former Oiler players interviewed by Kevin Lowe for the general manager job

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 17:00:00 +0000

Tambellini knew he was in trouble when his
performance review consisted entirely of
Kevin Lowe miming a wanking motion.

Scene: A board room at Edmonton Oilers headquarters. Kevin Lowe and Craig MacTavish are finishing up an extensive interview.

Lowe: Thanks again for coming in Craig. Obviously we want to move quickly to replace Steve Tambellini, and I have to say you did great on the interview.

MacTavish: Thanks Kevin. Happy to have the opportunity.

Lowe: I was especially impressed by this glowing letter of reference from Randy Carlyle, where he explains how you "never made your brain all sweaty" by wearing a helmet. So we'll certainly keep that in mind.

MacTavish: Excellent.

Lowe: Now as per team policy, we will of course be filling this vacant front office position with a former Edmonton Oilers player. And right now, you're certainly at the top of our list. But we do have a few other candidates to speak to.

MacTavish: Absolutely. It's all about due diligence.

Lowe: Thanks your understanding. (into intercom) Please send in the next candidate.

Wayne Gretzky enters the room.

Lowe: Thanks for coming in, Wayne. Now I have to say that I'm somewhat surprised that you're interested in returning to Edmonton. You seem like more of a southern US guy these days.

Gretzky: Well, it's true that for the past few years my family has spent most of our time in California. And I just feel like it would be a really nice change to come back up to a cold weather climate.

Lowe: Well, we certainly offer that.

Gretzky: Yeah, I really think my entire family needs to spend some time where it's snowy and cold and nobody ever wears a bikini.

Lowe: Ummm…

Gretzky: My ideal situation would involve mandatory head-to-toe parkas for everyone.

Lowe: OK, but any thoughts on what you'd do as the general manager?

Gretzky: Oh, I'd just let Dave handle that.

Lowe looks up at Dave Semenko standing behind Gretzky with his arms crossed.

Lowe: Does he still follow you around everywhere?

Semenko (cracking knuckles): Is there a problem with that?

Lowe: No sir.

Semenko: I didn't think so.

Lowe: OK, well thanks for coming in Wayne, and we'll certainly let you know.

Gretzky: Thanks. If you need me, I'll just be outside ordering Dave to smash every camera we see with a baseball bat.

Semenko: Dave wants to go on a canoe ride.

Lowe: You do that, Dave. (into intercom) Next candidate please.

Mark Messier enters the room.

Lowe: Mark, great to see you. So based on your extensive NHL experience, what would be the first steps you would take towards building a Stanley Cup championship team?

Messier: I would make a series of trades.

Lowe: Can you be more specific?

Messier: I would trade every good player on the roster to the New York Rangers.

Lowe: The Rangers.

Messier: Yep. May as well start planning the parade.

Lowe: I'm sorry, but how exactly would giving all our best players to the Rangers help us win a championship in Edmonton?

Messier (surprised): In Edmonton? Dude, you have to be more specific in your questions.

Lowe: (sighs heavily)

Messier (chuckling): Bring the Stanley Cup to Edmonton… I mean, the odds of that ever happening again have to be 1,000-to-1.

Gretzky (peeking his head in the door): Janet says she can get you 900.

Lowe (into intercom): Please send in the next former Oiler.

Ryan Smyth: Hi guys!

Lowe: Um…

Smyth (enthusiastically): Let's do this!

Lowe: OK, Ryan… you are aware that you still play for the team, right?

Smyth: What?

Lowe: You're at the rink literally every day. We're paying you over two million dollars. What did you think you were doing?

Smyth: I kind of assumed I was some sort of a consultant or something.

Lowe: You're our fourth line winger.

Smyth: Oh man. Wow.

Lowe: Come to think of it, this actually explains a lot.

Smyth: I should probably go do a sit up or something.

Lowe: You probably should. OK, at least this can't possibly get any worse. (into intercom) Are there any other former Oiler players out there?

Voice from outside: Boo-yah!

Lowe: Oh god no.

Chris Pronger kicks in the door and enters the room wearing a necklace made out of Dave Semenko's teeth.

Lowe: Chris, I know you played here for a season but I didn't really expect you to be interested in returning.

Pronger: Well, as you know my playing career recently ended, so I'm looking to keep busy.

Lowe: I see. And remind me why your career is over?

Pronger: I suffered a serious head injury, which to this day is still causing me lingering symptoms that can make even simple decision making a challenge.

Lowe: And you're applying for the Oilers GM job because…

Pronger: Based on the last few years, I just kind of assumed that was a job requirement.

Lowe: I hate you.

Pronger: Can I go now? Ryan Smyth says he knows an all-you-can-eat chicken wing place.

Lowe: You may.

MacTavish: I thought that went well.

Lowe: OK Craig, I think we can safely say you're the best candidate. Consider yourself hired.

MacTavish: That's great, I'm really excited for the job.

Lowe: I am too. Look, we all know it's a tough time for the organization, but I really think you're going to do great. We need a fresh new vision, and I look forward to seeing you take us in a brand new direction.

MacTavish: So, when do I start making decisions?

Lowe: Decisions? Oh no, I'll still be making all of those. You're basically here for some light office work.

MacTavish: Ah. OK.

Lowe: First order of business, gather up all these resumes from the other candidates and file them away.

MacTavish: Right away sir. Where did you want them?

Lowe: Oh, just put them over there, in the file folder labeled "Resumes for 2015 GM vacancy".

Featuring 70 posts including 24 chapters of exclusive new material, The Best of Down Goes Brown is now available.

Grantland Grab Bag: Are you on the list?

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Fri, 12 Apr 2013 14:40:00 +0000

In the weekly Grab Bag: The fighting debate, trying to figure out the proper plural form for "Greg Adams", Don Cherry's list, and the most 1984 hockey intro of all-time.

>> Read the full post at Grantland

Grantland: A Guide to the Last 18 Days of the NHL Schedule

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Thu, 11 Apr 2013 16:13:00 +0000

It feels like just a few weeks ago that we were watching the NHL’s opening night. And it was. Thanks, Bettman!

But in this lockout-shortened season, we’re already in the home stretch. In fact, today is one of just 18 days left on the NHL schedule. In a perfect world, you’d watch them all. But in this imperfect world, there’s a good chance you’re stuck with things like “a job” or “family” or “friends,” so you have to pick your spots.

I’m here for you. I went through each of the remaining 18 days on the NHL regular-season calendar to figure out which were likely to be worth watching, and which could safely be skipped.

>> Read the full post at Grantland

Jarome Iginla vs. Jaromir Jagr: An in-depth comparison

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Tue, 09 Apr 2013 11:38:00 +0000

After 15 years in Calgary, Jarome Iginla tries to
remember which facial muscles you use to smile.

The trade deadline has come and gone, and two names dominated: Jaromir Jagr and Jarome Iginla. It's not the first time in their careers that they've found themselves with something in common.

Both are right wingers known for using their size and strength. Both are members of the exclusive 500-goal club. And of course, both were moved in the days leading up to the 2013 NHL trade deadline.

But despite the similarities, there are some subtle differences between the two players. Let's take a more in-depth look at these two legends.

Jagr: Has always worn the number 68, in recognition of the first year of the Czechoslovakian rebellion known as the Prague Spring.
Iginla: Has always worn the number 12, in recognition of the final year that the Flames front office would be able to convince themselves they were still Stanley Cup contenders.

Iginla: His full name is Jarome Arthur-Leigh Adekunle Tig Junior Elvis Iginla.
Jagr: His full name includes several graphical references to anatomical functions as well as his mother, according to every Penguins fan you mention him too.

Jagr: Played most of his career in Pittsburgh alongside players like Mario Lemieux, Ron Francis and Paul Coffey, which taught him valuable lessons about how to consistently perform at Hall of Fame level.
Iginla: Played most of his career in Calgary alongside players like Craig Conroy, Daymond Langkow and Matthew Lombardi, teaching him a valuable lesson about life not being fair.

Iginla: As a rookie, whenever he took his helmet off you knew he was about to get in a fight and didn't want his visor to be an unfair advantage.
Jagr: As a rookie, whenever he took his helmet off you knew you that your own feathered mullet was JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH YET.

Jagr: Was just traded away by Stars general manager Joe Nieuwendyk, who coincidentally was once traded for Jarome Iginla.
Iginla: Was just traded away by Flames general manager Jay Feaster, who coincidentally has spent the last week listening to league officials patiently explain why he can't claim Jaromir Jagr on waivers.

Iginla: Was acquired via trade for basically nothing, so there's really no way he can be a disappointment, say Penguin fans.
Jagr: Oh, don't be so sure about that, say Capital fans.

Jagr: Got to witness teammate Ulf Samuelsson scoring the Stanley Cup-winning goal against the North Stars in 1991, although the moment was somewhat anti-climactic since the game ended up being an 8-0 blowout.
Iginla: Got to witness teammate Martin Gelinas scoring the Stanley Cup-winning goal against the Lightning in 2004, although the moment was somewhat anti-climactic since everyone eventually decided to just give the Cup to Tampa Bay anyways.

Iginla: Played a critical role in Canada's gold medal win at the 2002 Olympics by scoring a pair of goals in the final game.
Jagr: Played a critical role in the Czech Republic's gold medal win at the 1998 Olympics by constantly going up to Dominik Hasek and reminding him not to ever let the other team score any goals.

Jagr: Infuriated Penguins fans in 2011 when he chose to sign a contract with their state rivals in Philadelphia.
Iginla: Might someday consider something similar if the province of Alberta ever gets a second NHL team.

Iginla: Has managed to stay remarkably healthy during his long career because of his commitment to fitness and offseason conditioning.
Jagr: Has managed to stay remarkably healthy during his long career because his mullet kept his brain at the right temperature, Randy Carlyle assumes.

Jagr: Recorded over 600 assists in Pittsburgh, thanks to his uncanny ability to always feed the puck to the Penguins' best players.
Iginla: Must have a similar talent, since he was only in Pittsburgh for one period before the Penguin's best player was fed a hockey puck.

Iginla: Was actually drafted by the Dallas Stars, but was traded to Calgary before he ever played an NHL game there.
Jagr: Had no association whatsoever with the Dallas Stars, according to the collective memory of hockey fans in about three more months.

Featuring 70 posts including 24 chapters of exclusive new material, The Best of Down Goes Brown is now available.

Grantland Grab Bag: Icing is exciting, Patrick Roy is crazy, and Don Cherry is on the wrong side

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Fri, 05 Apr 2013 19:52:00 +0000

In the weekly Grab Bag: The icing debate, homer announcers, Luongo's sucky contract, and Patrick Roy wanders off.

>> Read the full post at Grantland

Trade deadline day: Follow me at TSN and Grantland

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Wed, 03 Apr 2013 09:26:00 +0000

Happy trade deadline day.

I’ll be tweeting as part of TSN’s all-day TradeCentre coverage. You can follow me here, and follow TSN’s twitter coverage using the #tradecentre hashtag. Feel free to watch me try not to have a career-ending meltdown when it's revealed the Leafs have given up good assets for Mikka Kiprusoff.

I’ll also be posting short updates throughout the day at Grantland, which you can find right here. If things don't get too crazy I'll probably also hang out in the comments both here and on the facebook page.

Grantland: Five dream teams that weren't

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Tue, 02 Apr 2013 12:52:00 +0000

Most of the hockey world went to bed last Wednesday convinced Calgary captain Jarome Iginla was headed to Boston. When they woke up to discover he’d wound up in Pittsburgh instead, many were left wondering the same thing: Should we just go ahead and start engraving the Stanley Cup now?

The Penguins were already riding a massive win streak (now up to 15 and counting). Adding the best player available at the deadline, along with the earlier acquisitions of Brenden Morrow and Douglas Murray, to a lineup that already featured Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, and James Neal just didn’t seem fair.

Of course, there are no sure things, and the Penguins roster isn’t perfect. They may have the best cast of forwards in the league, but we all know that the goaltending and blue line are shaky, and … [Checks the Penguins’ goals against during the last three games.] … oh man. I think we’re all screwed.

But let’s not panic quite yet. After all, while the Penguins might be the consensus favorites right now, they have a long way to go before they’re crowned champions. And if they falter, they’ll have good company, because the recent history of NHL sure-things isn’t all that impressive.

So before we start planning the Penguins’ coronation, let’s take a look back at five other big moves that had everyone ready to just hand over the Stanley Cup. As you’ll see, the hockey gods have a habit of throwing a surprise our way.

>> Read the full post at Grantland

Buyers and sellers at the 2013 NHL trade deadline

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Mon, 01 Apr 2013 18:35:00 +0000

In hindsight, Luongo realized that getting Gillis
to promise to have him in a new uniform by
March may not have been specific enough.

The annual NHL trade deadline is Wednesday, which literally everybody who would ever visit this site already knows and has read 300 articles about, but I have to mention it anyways because this is what us professional writers refer to as a "topical lead".

Anyways, that means it's time for a mandatory roundup of which teams are buyers and which are sellers.

Buyer: Toronto Maple Leafs - Are rumored to be in the market for a veteran goaltender due to concerns about James Reimer's glove hand; specifically, the way he keeps using it to point to his statistics while saying "Seriously, you guys would be insane to trade for a goaltender right now".

Seller: Calgary Flames - Jay Feaster is expected to be extremely active on deadline day and finalize deals with as many as a half dozen different teams, and that's just for Jay Bouwmeester.

Buyer: Anaheim Ducks - Will be looking for fourth-liners who don't know the meaning of the word "can't" and veterans who don't know the meaning of the word "quit" and potential season ticket subscribers who don't know the meaning of the word "regression".

Seller: San Jose Sharks - Ryan Clowe would be a perfect addition to the dressing room of a contender, since he's the not the sort of guy who'll come in and suddenly disrupt team chemistry with a whole lot of selfish talk about how many goals he's scored this season.

Buyer: Detroit Red Wings - Apparently still really need a goaltender who can handle Jacob Kindl's breakaway move.

Seller: Buffalo Sabres - GM Darcy Regier wants to leave the franchise in good shape for whoever ultimately replaces him, so will probably focus on players who'll be ready to step in and help the team by next Tuesday.

Buyer: Pittsburgh Penguins - Have resigned themselves to spending the rest of the season without the services of the most talented and dynamic offensive player the league has seen in a decade, after realizing that Nazem Kadri doesn't play for them.

Seller: Florida Panthers - Trade talks always seem to be going so well right up until that awkward moment when the other GM asks whether they have any healthy NHL-caliber players.

Buyer: New York Rangers - Have recently found themselves in the market for a player who has size and strength and a willingness to drop the gloves and access to the parking lot outside whatever fashion magazine Sean Avery is working at these days.

Seller: Colorado Avalanche - Oh sure, in some sort of perfect fantasy world would love to singlehandedly rebuild the franchise by somehow acquiring a top three overall pick like the ones the Flames have, but these days you never have a chance to land one of those.

Buyer: Boston Bruins - Sources say that GM Peter Chiarelli has already had his scouting staff compile a detailed list of players they would be interested in losing out to Ray Shero on.

Seller: Tampa Bay Lightning - Reports are that Martin St. Louis will not waive his no-trade clause to allow a deal, which a seething Ken Hitchcock says is great because it will be the only time this year somebody with "St. Louis" on their jersey stopped anything.

Buyer: Chicago Blackhawks - Were so good during the first half that they can already look ahead to the Stanley Cup finals, so will probably just be trying to add players who would be good at sadly shaking hands with the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Seller: Philadelphia Flyers - Team sources indicate that obviously, anyone who can read the Atlantic Division standings can see that they're clearly in this category, and only a moron would… oh, sorry, they thought you said "cellar". No, they're definitely buying.

Buyer: Ottawa Senators - Are unlikely to make any moves that would disrupt team chemistry because nothing is more important than being really smart when it comes to chemistry, according to the crazy homeless guy in a tattered lab coat who has somehow convinced Eugene Melnyk that he's a forensic investigator.

Seller: Columbus Blue Jackets - Just like always at this time of year, the buzz around the Blue Jackets front office is that they're ready to start selling, so Columbus fans can get ready to say goodbye to whoever this "Playoff Tickets" guy is.

Buyer: Phoenix Coyotes - Could be legitimate buyers at the deadline. Actually, that's not true, I just wanted to see what it would be like to be the first person to ever write "Phoenix Coyotes" and "legitimate" and "buyer" in the same sentence.

Featuring 70 posts including 24 chapters of exclusive new material, The Best of Down Goes Brown is now available.