Down Goes Brown

The all-star fantasy draft preview (Grantland)

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 18:01:00 +0000

The NHL’s annual All-Star fantasy draft is the undisputed highlight of the NHL’s All-Star weekend, in the same way that reading magazines in the waiting room is the undisputed highlight of a colonoscopy.

After last year’s generally well-received debut of the concept, this year’s draft takes place Thursday night in Ottawa. This time around, the captains are Daniel Alfredsson of the Senators and Zdeno Chara of the Bruins, and they’ll alternate picks as they divide up the 42 players who were picked for the game in a 19-round draft.

The league has also named an assistant captain for each squad. Alfredsson gets Ranger goalie Henrik Lundqvist because he’s an elite player from a first-place team who is recognized worldwide. Chara gets Joffrey Lupul because apparently everyone else said no.

The assistants will presumably help the captains with their picks, though that might not be necessary. Both captains are known for being eminently knowledgeable and meticulously prepared, so it’s not like either of them would ever get blindsided.

What can fans expect? Here’s my best guess as to how it could all play out.

• Read the full preview at Grantland.com.

An optimist's guide to the non-playoff teams

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 12:53:00 +0000

"C'mon ref, you're taking forever. Step on it!
Oh... uh, sorry Taylor, poor choice of words."

The all-star break is typically seen as a good time to start look ahead to potential playoff scenarios. And while no team has officially clinched a spot, several are all but locked in and others are slowly but surely starting to cement their post-season invitations.

Of course, that also means there are 14 teams on the outside looking in - some more outside than others. And while it would be tempting to kick those teams while they're down, that's not our style around here. We prefer the power of positive thinking.

So instead let's focus on some good news for each of the 14 teams that found themselves outside of the playoff picture heading into Monday night's action.

Edmonton Oilers - Could end up picking first overall in this year's draft for the third straight year but there's absolutely zero chance of it happening again in 2013, according to the league's policy on rigging draft lotteries after cancelled seasons.

Minnesota Wild - Should keep believing in themselves because this is the NHL and anything can happen; for example, at one point this year the Minnesota Wild were in first place and they're completely terrible.

Buffalo Sabres - While it may seem wrong to react to a rough season by throwing long-time franchise player Ryan Miller under the bus, it's nice to know that at least you wouldn't have to worry about any teammates trying to fight the bus driver.

Toronto Maple Leafs - May finally be able to get a win against the Bruins this year, now that they know that Tim Thomas will refuse to show up if you just crowd enough left wingers around him.

Phoenix Coyotes - Finally achieved some certainty around the team's ownership situation when Gary Bettman admitted that we will certainly be talking about this every single year until the Earth crashes into the sun.

Winnipeg Jets - Are the only team not sending a player to Ottawa for the all-star weekend, which is great news since players often become distracted when they spend a weekend somewhere tropical.

New York Islanders - Hey, ten thousand years from now nobody will even remember any of this, unless they find a ten thousand-year-old book called "The Worst Run Hockey Franchises of All-Time".

Montreal Canadiens - It will be fun next year watching new coach Patrick Roy pull Carey Price during a blowout, then tackle him as soon as he gets anywhere near the team president's seat.

Tampa Bay Lightning - Steven Stamkos is currently on pace to score over 50 goals this season, which is pretty amazing when you factor in that he's done it without ever getting to face the Lightning goaltenders.

Carolina Hurricanes - New coach Kirk Muller has kept several elements of former coach Paul Maurice's game plan in place, which will make the transition easier when Maurice is rehired in the offseason.

Dallas Stars - Thankfully won't have to worry about a repeat of last year's distracting "Should we go for a playoff spot or trade away our star player" drama, since this year they don't have one.

Calgary Flames - Have made it clear that they're going for a postseason spot and won't trade Jarome Iginla, and it will be great for hockey fans to once again see him playing important April hockey whenever the playoff game goes to intermission and they switch over to the World Championships.

Anaheim Ducks - Sources in the team's front office confirm that it's still totally fun to float yet another bogus trade rumour about a star player you have no intention of actually moving, then crowd around the phone with a stopwatch to see how long it takes Brian Burke to call.

Columbus Blue Jackets - Well, at least that annoying glass-half-full guy who responds to every loss all season long by saying "It could be worse, we could have Brett Lebda" will shut up now.

Daniel Alfredsson vs. Zdeno Chara: An in-depth comparison

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 13:21:00 +0000

"My little buddy here says I can have the first
pick. Right Daniel? RIGHT DANIEL?"

The NHL has named the two captains in next weekend's all-star game in Ottawa, and they aren't big surprises. Hometown hero Daniel Alfredsson will lead one squad, while Bruins' defenceman Zdeno Chara will head the other.

The two players are similar in many ways. Both are well-respected veterans. Both play in the Northeast division. And both have plenty of history with the Senators and their fans, which should add some spice to the weekend's events.

But while they share some characteristics, these are still two very different players. And since they'll both be in the spotlight all week, let's take a closer look at the two all-star captains.

Alfredsson: Was born in 1972, on December 11.
Chara: Was born in 1977, from March 13 to 18.

Chara: Has a wingspan of over seven feet if he spreads his arms out.
Alfredsson: Has a wingspan of over seven feet if we're counting his hairstyle from 2003.

Alfredsson: Once infuriated Maple Leaf fans by pretending that he might throw his stick into the stands before revealing that he was only kidding.
Chara: Continuously infuriates Maple Leaf fans by pretending that he might let Phil Kessel get a shot on goal that night before revealing that he's only kidding.

Chara: On several occasions over the years, has had to fight the other team's toughest players to send the message that his team can't be intimidated.
Alfredsson: On several occasions over the years, has had to fight the urge to grab the team's general manager and scream "No, seriously, why don't you at least try getting us a half-decent goalie for once?"

Alfredsson: Is often referred to by teammates and opponents as "Alfie".
Chara: Is often referred to by teammates and opponents as "Whatever you want us to call you, just dear god please don't hurt anybody".

Chara: Was a guest at the unveiling of a statue in his likeness in his hometown of Trencin in honor of his greatest moment, his Stanley Cup win.
Alfredsson: Senator fans will probably present him with his own statue once they figure out how to sculpt a writhing Darcy Tucker onto the ground first.

Alfredsson: Has a deceptive skillset that can sometimes cause defenders to fail to realize how much speed he can generate until he's already blown by them.
Chara: Has a deceptive skillset that can sometimes cause team ownership to choose to spend all their money on resigning a future minor leaguer instead.

Chara: Has the hardest slapshot in NHL history, according to the radar gun at the skills competition.
Alfredsson: Has a surprisingly decent slapshot himself, according to an angry Scott Niedermayer.

Alfredsson: His career has forced hockey fans to rethink their views on European players and their ability to serve as team leaders.
Chara: His career has forced hockey fans to rethink their views on slamming people's faces into metal stanchions, since most of us had assumed there was some sort of rule against that.

Chara: Is an avid cyclist who has occasionally ridden stages of the Tour de France course.
Alfredsson: Is an avid cyclist who has occasionally ridden stages of the Tour de Wait Why Are All The Senators Always Riding Stationary Bikes In Every Post-Game Interview?

Alfredsson: No halfway competent general manager would ever trade him away.
Chara: No halfway competent general manager would ever trade him away.

Chara: Is fluent in English, Slovak, Czech, Polish, German, Swedish and Russian.
Alfredsson: Lives in Ottawa, so can presumably say "The vegan restaurant is located between the shawarma place and the other shawarma place" in both official languages.

Alfredsson: When he steps up to the podium to announce his draft selections, he can expect to be greeted with a warm ovation from an appreciative home crowd.
Chara: Will inevitably be shouted down with loud boos, profanity and personal insults, although eventually the Canucks players will probably quiet down and let him make his pick.

Red Wings vs Maple Leafs in the Winter Classic: The pros and cons

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 13:13:00 +0000

This year's Winter Classic was by all accounts a rousing success, featuring another solid season of HBO's 24/7 series, an entertaining alumni game, and a riveting showdown between the Flyers and Rangers that included a last-minute penalty shot.

After so much excitement, it's only natural that fans have already started wondering about next year's game. The NHL hasn't made any official announcements so far, but according to reports that may simply be a formality. Media speculation has been all but unanimous that it's already a done deal: The Detroit Red Wings will be hosting the Toronto Maple Leafs.

Is that a smart matchup for what's quickly becoming the league's marquee event? It's tough to say. Here are some of the pros and cons of going with Detroit and Toronto at next year's Winter Classic.

Pro: The Maple Leafs would probably do great in the middle of a stadium, since their games at the ACC have given them extensive experience playing in rinks where there aren't any fans seated within 100 feet of the ice.

Con: For one night it would feel like both teams were back playing in the old Norris Division, which technically counts as realignment so Donald Fehr would just show up and ruin it.

Pro: Ron Wilson has indicated that he'd enjoy being part of the Winter Classic, so it's probably safe to assume that whoever is coaching the Leafs this time next year would feel the same way.

Con: Having only one American team involved instead of two means ESPN would probably reduce the number of minutes they spent talking about the game down to whatever zero divided by two is.

Pro: American hockey fans have complained that they're sick of seeing the Winter Classic involve the same old teams that are always being shoved down their throats on TV, so it's only fair that Canadian fans get a chance to see what that's like.

Con: David Steckel would be playing in a Winter Classic again, so enjoy that year off, Pavel Datsyuk.

Pro: The alumni game would give Mike Foligno a chance to suit up for the Maple Leafs for the first time in almost 20 years, and that should probably have been enough time for him to find a helmet that was the same color as everyone else's.

Con: Another season of HBO would mean that the Maple Leafs star players would be followed by cameras 24 hours a day for four straight weeks, which is probably not enough time to get a halfway interesting quote out of Phil Kessel.

Pro: So far every team that's played the Red Wings in a Winter Classic has gone on to win the Stanley Cup the next year, so this matchup would be a great way to nip that whole trend in the bud.

Con: Detroit is located in Michigan which is pretty much the furthest west you can go and still find any American hockey fans, as far as the NHL seems to know.

Pro: Including Toronto in the Winter Classic would open the door for future appearances by other Canadian teams like Ottawa or Edmonton, fans of those teams would adorably start to think.

Con: HBO has a long history of featuring over-the-top villains on shows like The Sopranos and The Wire, but even they think that this Todd Bertuzzi guy might be pushing it.

Pro: There are rumors that the game could be held at Comerica Park, and it would be fun to see a sports team from Toronto play a meaningful game in a baseball stadium for the first time in almost 20 years.

Con: Nicklas Lidstrom would be at an unfair advantage in the game since he played outdoors all the time as a kid back before they invented buildings.

Pro: If the matchup is finalized then every Maple Leaf and Red Wing fan in the world will spend the next year going crazy with unbridled excitement, which will make it so much fun for everyone else when the whole thing is cancelled due to the lockout.

A look at the NHL's all-star snubs

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 12:41:00 +0000

The NHL unveiled the full list if participants for the upcoming All-Star game on Thursday. And now that we know the names of all 42 players who've earned a trip to Ottawa in two weeks, we should take a moment to recognize them for their success.

We should, but we won't. Because while talking about the players who made the roster is nice, the real fun for hockey fans comes in complaining about the ones who were left off. So it's no surprise that the annual debate over which players were snubbed has already begun.

Here are some of the players who fans may have been hoping to see on All-Star Weekend who didn't quite make the final cut.

Nicklas Lidstrom, Detroit - The 41-year-old Red Wing veteran apparently asked the league not to include him, which is a shame because at this current age and rate of performance this was our last chance to see him play in an all-star game until next season and the six more after that.

James Neal, Pittsburgh - The Penguins winger has recently been carrying the team, literally, since all the other players on the roster are currently too injured to move on their own.

Nicklas Backstrom, Washington - Teammate Alexander Ovechkin criticized Backstrom's absence to local media, adding that it was almost as if his spot had been given to a far less-deserving player solely for marketing reasons before furrowing his brow and then trailing off awkwardly.

Kris Versteeg, Florida - It was unfortunate that there wasn't room to include Versteeg since it would have been fun to see him reunited with his recent former teammates, every other player in the league.

Zenon Konopka, Ottawa - Probably shouldn't have made it given that he's only managed five points on the season, but you still have to feel kind of bad for him for being the only Senator who wasn't voted into the starting lineup.

Scott Hartnell, Philadelphia - He'd told reporters he was really hoping for a chance to play in the game but now he won't get that opportunity unless one of the other players ends up declining due to injury, which is to say he's definitely playing in the game.

Brad Marchand, Boston - His vote totals were clearly far too low, although for some reason Bruin fans and media insist on pretending they were just fine.

Jaroslav Halak, St. Louis - Wasn't named to the final roster despite being an excellent player and a fantastic dressing room guy who's always coming up with team-building practical jokes likes switching jerseys with his backup for half a season.

Teemu Selanne, Anaheim - The veteran star declined an invitation after apparently deciding that he'd rather spend a January weekend in Southern California than in Ottawa, so at least we've found one NHL star who hasn't had a recent head injury.

Steve Mason, Columbus - All-star goalies typically play one period and give up five or six goals before being pulled, and it would have been nice to see him have his best game of the season.

Dany Heatley, Minnesota - It would have been interesting for him to be there in Ottawa since he'd have been booed by all the diehard Senator fans, and based on the NHL's all-star ticket policy there may be up to 30 or 40 of them at the game.

Ryan Kesler and Kevin Bieksa, Vancouver - Including both players on the roster would have brought the total number of Canucks taking part in the weekend to six, which would be perfect in case Shawn Thornton showed up.

Mike Cammalleri, Calgary - In hindsight, that Wednesday night "Hope you like playing meaningless games next to overpaid guys who don't backcheck" fortune cookie probably wasn't referring to the all-star game after all.

Winners and losers at the NHL's midseason mark

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 13:03:00 +0000

"Jarome, what would you say is the absolute best-
case scenario for the Flames' record this year?"

The NHL will officially cross the midway mark later this week, with all 30 teams having played their 41st game of the season. And while a lot can change over the next few months, it's fair to say the first half has been kinder to some teams than others.

A handful of elite teams are already looking ahead to the possibility of a deep playoff run. Others are left to contemplate trade deadline fire sales and wonder where it all went wrong. Here's a look at the winners and losers from the first half of the season.

Winner: Calgary Flames - The struggling franchise continues to draw comparisons to the 2008 Maple Leafs, which is great news since it means they're only a few years away from being able to trade all their worst players to the Calgary Flames.

Loser: Pittsburgh Penguins - Have had to deal with a ridiculous string of significant injuries, we think, although it's hard to say since their guy in charge of reporting injuries is currently injured.

Winner: St. Louis Blues - Goaltender Brian Elliot has put up outstanding numbers ever since new coach Ken Hitchcock broke down film of his time with the Senators and suggested he try the slight adjustment of turning his goalie mask around so that the eyeholes are in the front.

Loser: New Jersey Devils - In hindsight, the team probably could have recognized Patrik Elias for reaching the 1,000 games milestone without showing that scoreboard message that said "Congratulations on playing almost as many games as Ilya Kovalchuk still has left to go on his contract".

Winner: Anaheim Ducks - Swirling trade speculation can often leave a star player tearing his hair out, so it's probably just as well that it's happening to Ryan Getzlaf.

Loser: Tampa Bay Lightning - May be relying too much on their patented 1-3-1 defensive system, in which one player forechecks deep, three clog the neutral zone, and one fishes the puck out of the net while Dwayne Roloson tries to show it picture of his grandchildren.

Winner: Colorado Avalanche - Are a miraculous 7-0 in shootouts so far this season, although it's probably unfair that they get to keep bringing in Tim Tebow to play net.

Loser: Toronto Maple Leafs - Phil Kessel is slowly starting to realize that there was something strange about that preseason bet where he promised to spend the entire year setting up Joffrey Lupul if he'd agree to wear a jersey with his name spelled backwards.

Winner: Boston Bruins - Thanks to the excellent play of Tim Thomas and Tuukka Rask, the team's goals against average is so ridiculously low that it was recently mistaken for a Brad Marchand body check.

Loser: Ottawa Senators - Their forwards may seem to be putting up impressive scoring totals, but a closer look reveals that almost all the goals are the result of Erik Karlsson banking the puck in off somebody who wasn't paying attention because he "wanted to make it more challenging".

Winner: New York Rangers - Were able to get a win at the Winter Classic, which is great because playing in that game is a rare opportunity that the Rangers will likely only have four or five more times this decade.

Loser: Winnipeg Jets - Will be stuck in the Southeast Division for another season thanks to the NHLPA blocking the league's realignment plans, meaning they'll be forced to make multiple midwinter trips to Carolina and Tampa Bay and Miami and wait I think I may have figured out which players voted against this.

Winner: Phoenix Coyotes - Shane Doan recorded the first hat trick of his 17-year career on Saturday, which was a nice moment because it gave the fans in Phoenix a five-month head start on throwing away Coyotes merchandise.

Loser: Columbus Blue Jackets - General manager Scott Howson has been so inundated with around-the-clock phone calls about trading star winger Rick Nash to a contending team that he eventually had to tell Rick Nash to stop phoning him.

Other Montreal Canadien fan complaints

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 13:17:00 +0000

Montreal Canadiens fans aren’t very happy these days. The team has been a disappointment all season, with a combination of injuries and lacklustre play leaving them well outside of the current playoff picture.

But apparently that's not even the biggest problem facing the franchise. That honor would be reserved for interim Canadiens' coach Randy Cunneyworth, who's hiring generated controversy because he can't speak French. Tension over that issue may be taken to new heights today, when Canadiens fans (or at least groups claiming to represent them) are reportedly planning a pre-game protest outside of the Bell Centre.

But while the language-based outrage is getting all the attention, it's actually only one of several demonstrations planned for today by fans in Montreal. As it turns out, Canadiens fans are fed up and they're not going to take it anymore.

So forget about which language the coach is speaking. Here are some of the other issues that Montreal Canadiens fans are currently upset about.

Whenever you call Montreal's 911 emergency line, the automated attendant doesn't get to "report a Boston Bruins body check" until like the third or fourth option.
The team has refused to release details of team captain Brian Gionta's recent health issue beyond calling it a lower body injury, which on that guy doesn't really narrow it down.
While it was nice to see them borrow our patented "stuff the ballot box to elect all your mediocre hometown players to the All-Star Game" move, foolish Senator fans forgot the part about including an unrestricted free agent for Brian Burke to overpay in the offseason.
Scott Gomez continues to score goals at a slightly lower rate than other similarly paid players, such as Cam Ward.
In addition to his lack of French, coach Cunneyworth often struggles to say even basic English phrases, such as "We played well tonight".
By the third period of every home game, Youppi is inevitably staggering around waving an empty whiskey bottle and screaming at small children about how 1994 was supposed to be the Expos' year.
Management now admits they recently gave a $23 million contract extension to Josh Gorges under the mistaken impression that they were actually paying for several players who were all named Josh Gorge.
Even if you've only got one copy to make, Pierre Gauthier never lets you go ahead in line at the photocopier until he's finished making hundreds of copies of his resume.
Carey Price is one of the absolute best goaltenders in the entire league and does not get enough respect from the wait a second did he just give up a goal in warmup? BOOOOOO!!!
Every time we're sitting around reminiscing about all of the great divisional rivalries we've had over the years, some Sabres fan gets all pouty and then we have to pretend to include them too.
In many Canadian provinces, even after a Habs fan has mentioned the team's 24 Stanley Cups it is still technically legal for a fan of another team to continue talking.
Look, nobody's saying that the franchise has retired too many numbers, but it does get kind of confusing cheering for a team of 20 players who are all wearing #86.
When Patrick Roy inevitably takes over as coach he'll be able to explain to the players exactly what it takes to win a Stanley Cup in Montreal in the modern era, which will be depressing because what it takes is for Patrick Roy to be your goaltender.
Every time we think that we've at least wrapped up the title of "most hopeless Canadian NHL franchise", we catch the highlights of the latest Flames game and realize how far we still have to go.

Inside Gary Bettman's New Year's Eve party

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 13:08:00 +0000

The balloon didn't stop floating all night,
so they nicknamed it "Ovechkin".

Scene: Saturday night, shortly before midnight, in a spacious home in New York. NHL commissioner Gary Bettman is welcoming guests for his annual New Year's Eve party. Deputy commissioner Bill Daly arrives.

Bill Daly: Hi Gary… thanks for the invite. How's the party going?

Gary Bettman: So far so good. It got off to a rough start when Ilya Bryzgalov tried to convince everyone that it was a waste of time to celebrate the passage of a single year from within the unfathomably vast history of the cosmos. But we had Milan Lucic take a run at him, and ever since then it's been smooth sailing.

Daly: Nice. Mind if I help myself to some punch?

Bettman: Of course, be my guest.

Daly: Thanks pal. Uh, do you have any ice?

Dan Craig (appearing suddenly): I'm on it!

Craig reaches into a container with a small pair of tongs and selects several immaculately formed ice cubes, which he proceeds to inspect with a jeweler's eyepiece.

Daly: So… do you just make the ice for every NHL event?

Craig: It's in my contract.

Bettman: Uh, Dan, come to think of it… shouldn't you be in Philadelphia right now, making sure we'll have halfway decent ice for the Winter Classic?

Craig: Didn't you hear? There's no game on January 1 this year.

Bettman: Right. That's because we moved it to January 2.

Awkward pause.

Craig: Uh, I should probably go.

Bettman: Sigh. Brendan, can you help Bill get some ice for his drink?

Brendan Shanahan: Of course! How many ice cubes do you want? Ten?

Daly: Ten? No, that would be way too many.

Shanahan: One?

Daly: Well, no, that's too few…

Shanahan: I CAN NEVER PLEASE ANY OF YOU PEOPLE!

Shanahan throws the drink to the floor and storms off.

Bettman: He's a little stressed out lately.

Daly: Was his hair always that grey?

Taylor Hall: Ten! Nine! Eight! …

Bettman: Uh, Taylor, it's not midnight yet.

Hall (looking up from a sheet of paper): What? No, I was just reading out Nikolai Khabibulin's goals against during games in December.

Bettman: Ouch.

Daly: Hey, are you going to be showing a movie or something downstairs?

Bettman: No, why?

Daly: Well, there's all these people all sitting silently in your basement in the dark, staring at the wall.

Bettman: Oh, that. That's the quiet room for all the star players who are currently out with head injuries.

Bettman motions at a sign on the door reading "Players with concussions".

Daly: Wow. There must be dozens of them in there. That's a major problem, Gary. Please tell me the league has a plan for dealing with this.

Bettman: Of course, Bill. It would be grossly irresponsible of us not to!

Bettman pulls out a magic marker, walks over to the sign, and changes it to read "Players with concussion-like symptoms".

Bettman: Problem solved!

Daly: You might want to make a few more signs.

Bettman: Good idea. Brendan, how many would you say we need?

Shanahan (trembling and chain-smoking in a corner): Ask somebody else!

Colin Campbell (looking rested and happy): Oh, you're on your own, sunshine.

Randy Cunneyworth: Dix! Neuf! Huit!

Everyone stops and stares at him.

Cunneyworth: Uh… that's all I know so far.

Patrick Roy: (snickers)

Cunneyworth: Dude, stop following me everywhere!

Milan Lucic (menacingly): Is this goalie bothering you?

Patrick Roy: Um, au revoir!

Jay Feaster (wearing a novelty pair of oversized "2006" glasses): Hey, happy New Year, everyone!

Bettman: Thanks Jay. But, uh, you do know that it's 2012, right?

Feaster: Really? (Looks at a calendar, then at the Flames roster sheet.) Uh oh. That would have been good information to have.

The doorbell rings.

Bettman: That's weird, I thought everyone I invited was already here.

Bettman opens the door.

Several fans in Atlanta Thrasher jerseys, singing angrily: Should old acquaintance be forgot…

Bettman quickly slams the door.

Daly: Who was it?

Bettman: Nobody important.

Shane Doan: Um, can we borrow a copy of those lyrics for next year's party?

Bettman (checking his watch): Hey look everyone, it's almost midnight!

All guests: Ten! Nine! Eight!

Shanahan: Six! Two! Twelve! Good god, just tell me what number you want me to say!

Cunneyworth: Puis-je! Aller à la! Salle de bains!

All guests: Three! Two! One! Happy New Year!

Bettman: Everyone have some champagne. The Canucks were nice enough to bring forty years' worth of unopened bottles.

Daly: Nice. And where's all this confetti coming from?

Bettman points to an upstairs landing, where Brian Burke is feeding Ron Wilson's new contract extension into a shredder.

Cunneyworth: Brian! Telephonez-moi!

Daly: Well old friend, you've thrown another successful party. And for once, Chris Pronger didn't even show up to maim anyone.

Bettman: Well…

A faint crash can be heard from the concussion room.

A voice from behind the door: Boo… yah…

Daly: That's more like it.

Bettman: Happy New Year, everyone!

2011: An NHL year in review

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 13:05:00 +0000

Is it over yet?

This is the time of year when anyone who writes about hockey feels obligated to come up with a year in review piece. But 2011 seems different. After all, is it even worth looking back at a year that was largely marked by tragedy, concussions, franchise instability, and over-the-top violence?

Well, my mother used to tell me that "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". But my editors currently tell me that "If you don't say anything at all, we don't have to pay you". So apparently we'll be doing a 2011 year in review after all.

Here's a look back at some of the NHL's most memorable moments of the past 12 months.

January 1 - In a request that he will later wish he had worded slightly differently, Gary Bettman prays to the hockey gods that the millions of fans tuning into that night's Winter Classic will get to see Sidney Crosby have one of his best games of the entire year.

January 28 - Phil Kessel is picked last in the all-star draft while Alexander Ovechkin makes a show of taking his photo. Ovechkin later apologizes and promises that he won't take a photo when Kessel is drafted for the 2012 all-star game, since he'll probably just hit pause on his DVR while watching from his living room.

February 28 - In arguably the biggest deal of trade deadline day the Washington Capitals send David Steckel and a draft pick to the Devils in exchange for Jason Arnott, a player so old that he can actually remember a time when trade deadline day was interesting.

March 8 - Montreal's Max Pacioretty is injured on a vicious hit by Zdeno Chara in an incident that everyone later agrees could have been avoided if assistant coach Randy Cunneyworth hadn't kept yelling "Watch out for that stanchion!" in English.

June 1 - Brendan Shanahan acknowledges that his new role as the league's disciplinarian may occasionally be challenging, marking the last known instance of anyone in the hockey world agreeing with him about anything.

June 15 - Vancouver's game seven loss in the Stanley Cup finals results in a full-scale riot featuring extensive looting and significant property damage, or as hockey fans will later come to refer to it: "pretty much the most positive story of the summer".

June 23 - The Flyers trade popular stars Jeff Carter and Mike Richards to free up cap space to sign Ilya Bryzgalov to a massive contract, according to an announcement from someone who looks suspiciously like the casting director for HBO's 24/7 series wearing a Paul Holmgrem mask.

June 24 - The Oilers take Ryan Nugent-Hopkins with the first overall pick in the NHL draft, but caution their fans that as an 18-year-old he realistically won't develop into a dominant player until he's played a few periods of a preseason game first.

July 2 - Marquee free agent Brad Richards signs a nine-year contract to play for the New York Rangers for six years.

October 9 - The Winnipeg Jets return to the league for the first time since 1996, although the moment gets awkward when they turn to their opponents and say "Wow, the storied Montreal Canadiens, you guys must have won a ton of Stanley Cups while we were gone".

November 30 - Head coaches Bruce Boudreau, Paul Maurice and Randy Carlyle are all fired within days of each other after Scott Arniel learns how to get his cell phone to automatically forward his incoming calls.

December 8 - The announcement that the Toronto Maple Leafs are being purchased by Bell and Rogers receives a decent reception, although not as strong a reception as that pushy sales guy in the mall store promised it would get.

December 31 - In what hockey fans around the world will no doubt agree is the undisputed highlight of the entire year, 2011 ends.

Scouting the World Junior Championships

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 13:01:00 +0000

While the NHL enjoys a holiday break over the weekend, hockey fans will be gearing up for the traditional Boxing Day start of the World Junior Championships. Ten of the world's top hockey nations will convene in Calgary and Edmonton for a two-week tournament to determine which country's teenagers will bring home the gold.

Let's take a look at the teams competing for medals in this year's tournament.

Canada
The good: Have spent the last few days paying inspirational visits to the less fortunate, such as children's hospitals and also the prison camp where last year's silver medal team is kept.
The bad: Are expected to make it through at least one playoff round, and it will probably get annoying having to constantly explain to Alberta hockey fans how that works.

USA
The good: Every American kid on the roster has been dreaming of winning this tournament ever since the moment they realized they weren't good enough to play football, basketball or baseball.
The bad: Dominant goaltender Jack Campbell returns for the third straight year, and you have to think one of these years somebody's going to take a closer look at that fake ID.

Czech Republic
The good: Scouts agree that top player Martin Frk looks just like an NHL superstar, in the sense that he won't be playing because of a concussion.
The bad: For reasons nobody can quite figure out, have spent the weeks leading up to the tournament arguing over whether their coach should have to be able to speak French.

Denmark
The good: Have been working on implementing a 1-3-1 defensive system to use when the score is tied, so that takes care of the game's first shift.
The bad: Are in a group with Canada, the Czech Republic, Finland and the United States, so they didn't have to spend any extra money on cancellation insurance for those flights homes immediately after the preliminary round.

Finland
The good: Should be in good shape if a playoff spot comes down to the tie-breaker, which for some reason this year is "most umlauts".
The bad: Star player Mikael Granlund's mother never lets him play in major international tournaments unless he lets his kid brother Markus tag along with him.

Latvia
The good: Have assured their fans that there's no chance of a repeat of their humiliating 16-0 loss to Canada in Saskatoon in 2010, since there aren't any games in Saskatoon this year.
The bad: Despite much pleading, Arturs Irbe still refuses to let them borrow the country's only set of goalie equipment.

Sweden
The good: The country has been producing much better goaltenders ever since the 2003 debut of their "Hey, maybe don't head butt the winning goal into your own net" training program.
The bad: While choosing a final roster early to allow the players time to gel is often a worthwhile strategy, in hindsight 1996 may have been a little too soon.

Switzerland
The good: Clever headline writers won't have any trouble figuring out which type of cheese to compare their defensive coverage to.
The bad: Are traditionally considered a dark horse in the tournament, in the sense that dark horses are terrible at playing hockey.

Slovakia
The good: Team officials say that the players and coaches don't know the meaning of the word "defeat", which is awesome, because it means that after a few games of the preliminary round everyone will have learned a new word.
The bad: The team's chances suffered a major blow when Zdeno Chara's 6'5" 240-pound oldest child was disqualified from the competition on the technicality that she's two years old.

Russia
The good: Following in tradition, the team arranged for a pre-tournament pep talk from one of the country's biggest current NHL stars.
The bad: Based on the way the entire team has spent hours just staring out the window into the night sky while mumbling "whoa", Ilya Bryzgalov may not have been the best choice.

Let's make a deal: A look back at this season's biggest trades

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 12:38:00 +0000

After sending the overpaid underacheiver
to Ottawa, the Coyotes understood what
it felt like to be a Canadian voter

The Phoenix Coyotes finally made the long-awaited Kyle Turris trade over the weekend, dealing the disgruntled center to the Ottawa Senators in exchange for young defenceman David Rundblad and a draft pick.

The trade was a rare early-season blockbuster in a league where most trades seem to happen at the trade deadline or in the offseason. It will also be the last NHL deal for a while, since the league-wide holiday trade freeze went into effect on Monday.

So while NHL general managers step away from the negotiating table for a well-deserved break, let's take a look back at some of the significant trades the league has seen since the end of training camp.

The trade: The Devils send David Steckel to the Leafs for a fourth-round draft pick.
The view from Toronto: Steckel gives the team a faceoff specialist who can take the first draw after a Maple Leaf penalty, which is always in the defensive zone, as well as the second draw after a Maple Leaf penalty, which is always at center ice.
The view from New Jersey: Steckel's main role last year with the Capitals was being the guy who'd go up to Alexander Ovechkin before every game and remind him to occasionally score a goal or two, although I'm sure someone else will remember to do that.
Final verdict: The deal saw the Leafs acquire an above-average fourth line center, which I think we all agree was their only major weakness heading into the season.

The trade: The Blues trade Nikita Nikitin to the Blue Jackets for Kris Russell.
The view from St. Louis: Like that old hockey cliché says, any time you can get a decent defenseman in return for an obviously fictional player with a ridiculous made up name, you need to make the deal.
The view from Blue Jackets: While it's not uncommon for departing employees to steal a few office supplies on the way out, it still wasn't cool for Russell to try to leave the arena dragging Rick Nash behind him in his hockey bag.
Final verdict: This was a major deal that will have a significant impact, according to the immediate families of whoever these two guys are.

The trade: The Senators send David Rundblad and a second round pick to the Coyotes for Kyle Turris.
The view from Ottawa: Rundblad had developed a reputation for committing lazy turnovers that led directly to easy goals for the other team, and the Senators already have a ton of guys who are good at that.
The view from Phoenix: Turris described his time in Phoenix by saying "it's something that was a frustrating situation and I'm just glad it's in the past", with the "it" presumably referring to "sunlight".
Final verdict: In hindsight, Turris probably regrets not being more specific with that "no trades to teams with scoreboards from the 1950s" contract clause.

The trade: The Canucks acquire David Booth, Steven Reinprecht and a draft pick from the Panthers for Mikael Samuelsson and Marco Sturm.
The view from Vancouver: When it comes to the playoffs, ex-Panther Booth doesn't know the meaning of the word "lose", although the same could technically be said for the words "win" and "playoffs".
The view from Florida: Both of the players they acquired are old and overpaid and will be unrestricted free agents next year, so they can pretty much buy houses in Florida any time now.
Final verdict: As per tradition, this blockbuster trade between the Canucks and Panthers did not involve any clutch goaltenders.

The trade: The Canadiens trade Jaroslav Spacek to the Hurricanes for Tomas Kaberle.
The view from Carolina: Spacek fills a critical need for the Hurricanes blueline, in the sense that he is a hockey player who is not Tomas Kaberle.
The view from Montreal: You have to give the Canadiens credit for being much more responsive than the Maple Leafs when you complain about the head coach, according to Kaberle's dad.
Final verdict: When it was pointed out that Kaberle has an additional two years left on his high-priced contract, Pierre Gauthier told reporters "Yes, I'll definitely have to deal with that when I'm general manager here during the 2013-14 season" before laughing sarcastically and then going back to updating his resume.

A brief history of Teemu Selanne

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 13:06:00 +0000

NHL scoring dropped dramatically after
the league outlawed the lens flare stick.

Teemu Selanne will be wearing an away jersey tonight in Winnipeg, but he won't be hearing many boos. In fact, Jets fans are likely to give him a hero's welcome.

It's been over 15 years since Selanne last played an game in Winnipeg, but fans there haven't forgotten the magic moments he created as a Jet in the early 90s. Once the NHL announced the return of a franchise to Winnipeg, fans circled tonight's game on their calendar for what's sure to be an emotional reunion.

So as Winnipeg prepares to give Selanne a long-awaited ovation, let's take a look back at the career of one of hockey's most beloved superstars.

June 11, 1988 - Selanne is drafted with the 10th overall pick by Winnipeg Jets general manager John Ferguson Sr., who must then explain to his confused son why he's not immediately trading him for a terrible backup goalie.

October 8, 1992 - Veteran Jets defenceman Randy Carlyle refuses Selanne's request for his jersey number 8, then wonders why the rookie is walking away mumbling something about "payback" and "revenge" and "Bruce Boudreau in 20 years".

March 2, 1993 - Selanne breaks Mike Bossy's rookie goal-scoring record and then famously mimes shooting his glove out of the air, while a young Artem Anisimov watching at home imagines how everyone would probably think it was really cool if he did something like that too someday.

June 17, 1993 - After finishing the season with 76 goals and 132 points, Selanne wins the Calder Trophy for top rookie in a close vote over the other two finalists, "Ha ha ha" and "No seriously, Teemu Selanne had 76 goals and 132 points this year, why are we even voting on this?"

April 4, 1995 - My wife finally realizes that the flashy kid on the Jets who scores all those goals is not in fact named "T. Mussolini" in a moment that I wish I was making up.

February 7, 1996 -Selanne is traded to the Anaheim Mighty Ducks, which devastated Winnipeg Jets fans assume will be the worst thing to happen to them all year.

January 18, 1998 - Selanne scores a hat trick and is named MVP of the All-Star Game, finally putting to rest the old stereotype that Europeans just don't want to win badly enough when it comes to intolerably dull corporate shill-fests.

March 5, 2001 - The Mighty Ducks trade Selanne to San Jose Sharks, but hold open the possibility that he could always return to the franchise in four or five years as a consultant or an assistant scout or a dominant first-line winger.

July 3, 2003 - Selanne signs a heavily discounted free agent deal to join the Colorado Avalanche for one season that nobody remembers because it never happened.

September 15, 2004 - A slumping and aging Selanne returns to his native Finland to undergo knee surgery during the NHL lockout, since having all your internal organs replaced with titanium cyborg parts is apparently now called "knee surgery" in Finland.

June 6, 2007 - Even during his most triumphant moment the classy Selanne insists on sharing the credit with those who made it all possible, which makes it kind of awkward when he goes to hand the Stanley Cup to Chris Phillips.

January 28, 2008 - Selanne announces that he will return to the Ducks for one final season, on the condition that everyone agree to act surprised when he makes the exact same announcement every offseason for the rest of his life.

February 20, 2010 - An assist in Finland's win over Germany makes Selanne the all-time scoring leader in Olympic hockey, although the record is broken a few days later by every single Canadian player who gets a shift against Evgeni Nabakov.

March 28, 2011 - Selanne becomes the oldest player in NHL history to score on a penalty shot, then regales his younger teammates with stories of days long ago when penalty shots were still considered exciting back before Gary Bettman brought in the shootout and ruined them.

December 17, 2011 - As the heartfelt pre-game ovation swelling around him grows louder by the moment with no signs of letting up, Teemu Selanne begins to get the vague feeling that he may have been in this city before and should possibly remember who any of these people are.

A look at this year's top rookies

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 13:25:00 +0000

Nugent-Hopkins has been lighting up
NHL goalies and also Roberto Luongo.

With a third of the season in the books, there's no question that one of the best stories of the early season has been rookie Ryan Nugent-Hopkins of the Edmonton Oilers.

With 32 points in 30 games, Nugent-Hopkins isn't just running away with the Calder Trophy but is staying within striking distance of the Art Ross. That seems far-fetched, of course, but there's no denying that the 18-year-old Oiler has been a revelation so far.

But while Nugent-Hopkins is a fantastic story, he's not the only rookie making an important contribution this year. Several young players are exceeding expectations in their first NHL season. Here's a look at some of the rookies making an impact around the NHL this season.

Ryan Nugent-Hopkins, Edmonton - Is undoubtedly the best young player the Oilers have had in this lifetime, according to the kid tending bar who just made you feel incredibly old.

Jake Gardiner, Toronto - By playing a regular shift for the Maple Leafs, is gaining invaluable experience in what not to do while killing penalties.

Gabriel Landeskog, Colorado - Is currently second in the entire league in the "games worth of Andy Sutton suspensions caused" category, although most experts assume that several players will pass him by the end of the season.

Luke Adam, Buffalo - Has been working hard since the season opener, since he knows the Sabres need to know you've had at least a dozen above-average games during your career before they'll throw a salary cap-destroying contract your way.

Matt Read, Philadelphia - The talented winger has occasionally angered his coaches and teammates by making rookie mistakes, such as actually trying against teams that play defense.

Adam Henrique, New Jersey - As one of the top five rookie scorers in the entire league is certainly having a great season playing that position he plays for that team that he plays for, you say while desperately hoping someone will change the subject.

Craig Smith, Nashville - Is best known for his comical inability to shoot the puck into a wide open net, which probably explains his lack of success against Steve Mason.

Erik Gudbranson, Florida - Scored the first goal of his NHL career on Sunday at Madison Square Garden against the Rangers, although the moment was tarnished when he celebrated a little too enthusiastically and was immediately jumped by the entire Tampa Bay Lightning roster.

Cody Hodgson, Vancouver - Has looked impressive so far, significantly increasing the return the Canucks receive for him in the 90% of all hockey trade rumours in which he is inevitably included.

Nick Johnson, Minnesota - Is so young and naïve that he sometimes says ridiculous things like "The Minnesota Wild are in first place" and "No, seriously, look it's right here on the standings page" and "See, this is why we all hate you Eastern-based hockey people".

Devante Smith-Pelly, Anaheim - Was recently loaned to the Canadian entry in the World Junior Hockey Championships, although the Ducks prefer to call it "advance scouting for next year's first overall pick".

Joe Colborne, Toronto - Scouts agree that he would be more effective if he could complete a rush without remembering that the Leafs acquired him for a few months of Tomas Kaberle and immediately breaking into fits of hysterical laughter.

Erik Karlsson, Ottawa - Despite a youthful appearance, is not actually a rookie and is in fact a multi-year veteran who has already appeared in an all-star game, he says while stomping his wittle feet adorably.

Ryan Johansen, Columbus - Is extremely popular with his veteran teammates, as so far he hasn't told the coaches about the tunnel that Rick Nash and Jeff Carter are digging behind the dressing room poster of Raquel Welch.

Roman Horak, Calgary - After spending the first two months of the season with the Flames, was recently promoted to the AHL.

How to be an NHL ironman

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 13:02:00 +0000

One of the NHL's ironman streaks came to an end on Thursday when Lightning forward Martin St. Louis missed the team's game against the Rangers after being hit in the face with a puck during practice.

That snapped St. Louis's string at 499 games, which was good for third among active NHL streaks. But St. Louis was still well back of Doug Jarvis's all-time record of 964, a mark that no NHL player has managed to so much as get close to in almost 20 years.

Will anyone ever again challenge Jarvis's mark? Maybe not. But if you're an NHL player hoping to start your own ironman streak, here are some common sense tips that could help you get started on the road to the record book.

DO: Stay healthy by avoiding collisions that would increase your risk of suffering an injury.
DO NOT: Worry about collisions that carry absolutely no physical risk, such as running Ryan Miller in front of the entire Sabres roster.

DO: Hit the gym often to make sure you're in peak physical condition.
DO NOT: Bother working out any body parts other than "upper body" and "lower body", since those are the only ones that anyone ever injures.

DO: Feel confident that the NHL's recent changes to Rule 48 will drastically reduce the risk that you will suffer a serious head injury.
DO NOT: Attempt to actually understand how the league applies Rule 48, as this will cause a serious head injury

DO: Follow the example of current league ironman Jay Bouwmeester by focusing all of your energy on training and conditioning that will allow you to continue your streak.
DO NOT: Allow yourself to become side-tracked by frivolous distractions, such as playing in postseason games.

DO: Follow league guidelines by taking and passing a comprehensive concussion screening test after suffering a hit to the head.
DO NOT: Feel pressured to take the test before you're ready; feel free to play in a few more games first, like everyone else does.

DO: Know and respect your body's limitations.
DO NOT: Risk injury by attempting to do the physically impossible, such as keeping a straight face after hearing that the Canadiens thought it would be a good idea to trade for Tomas Kaberle.

DO: Make sure you always wear the best and most modern possible equipment to protect important body parts like your elbows, shoulders, ankles and shins.
DO NOT: Worry about also wearing something to protect your eyes, because hey, no point going overboard, right?

DO: Accept that you will not be able to avoid occasionally finding yourself in a "high risk" area of the ice such as in front of the net or in the corners, as this is simply part of the game.
DO NOT: Allow yourself to wind up in a "super high risk" area, like standing next to Artem Anisimov as he celebrates a tap-in goal.

DO: Publicly commit yourself to following a strict diet of nutritious foods.
DO NOT: Let Gary Roberts overhear you saying that, since he'll make you actually do it.

DO: Be aware of which opponents are out on the ice against you at all times.
DO NOT: Forget to casually brush the ice shavings from your uniform after uncurling from the fetal position once the referee assures you that yes, Dion Phaneuf has finished his shift.

DO: Remember that any games for which you are suspended will result in the end of your streak.
DO NOT: Commit any obvious fouls that always result in additional discipline, such as blatantly spearing someone who isn't Chris Neil.

DO: Reward yourself for all your hard work and dedication by taking advantage of some relaxation time at home, perhaps by surfing the internet or stretching out in front of the television.
DO NOT: Be surprised when the installation tech from Bell or Rogers blindsides you in the side of the knee with a wrench while muttering "go Leafs go".

Take the quiz: Should you fire your coach?

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 13:04:00 +0000

"Hey, why does that guy watching practice
with Feaster look like Bob Boughner
wearing a fake mustache and glasses?"

The NHL's coaching ranks were shuffled last week, with three head coaches losing their jobs. That's an unpleasant reality of the business, and ideally we'd all just move on afterwards to focus on some better news.

But the hockey world being the tough place that it is, it didn't take long before all eyes turned to the remaining coaches of teams that aren't meeting expectations. Would there be more teams making changes in the near future? Who might be the next to go? And most important of all, would it be the right call?

Surveys have shown that the majority of DGB readers are active NHL general managers, so I know this is an important topic. So if you're in charge of a struggling NHL team and you're wondering if now is the time to fire your coach, here's a simple quiz that can provide the answer.

After a tough loss a few weeks ago, your coach retreated to the privacy of his office. From outside, you could overhear him:
a.) Angrily smashing furniture at the realization that the team won't go 82-0.
b.) Calmly reassuring his assistants that it's OK to lose the occasional game, as long as it doesn't happen more than once a month.
c.) Excitedly phoning Gary Bettman to ask if this is one of those losses where the league magically give out a bonus point for no real reason.
d.) Wondering why the Anaheim Ducks keep calling his cell phone every time his team loses.

When some were calling for you to make a coaching change earlier in the season, you resisted because:
a.) You have absolute confidence that he's the right man to lead your team to the Stanley Cup.
b.) You think it's only fair to give him until at least mid-season to right the ship.
c.) The coach showed you the section of the rulebook that says that teams from Ohio can't fire anyone mid-season no matter how bad they are, although come to think of it that part was scrawled in the margins and seems to be in his handwriting.
d.) You want to have a frank discussion with the coach in an appropriate setting, and have so far failed to find a suitable barn available for rent.

You've become concerned while watching your team play, because:
a.) They seem to be getting complacent with all the constant winning.
b.) They're starting to make occasional errors that they didn't make in previous seasons.
c.) Your players can't even execute on basic hockey fundamentals that every other team uses, like covering their man or clearing the zone.
d.) Your players can't even execute on basic hockey fundamentals that every other team uses, like blatantly steamrolling Ryan Miller as soon as he steps on the ice.

You are beginning to suspect that your franchise player may have lost faith in the coach, because:
a.) He is occasionally slightly out of position on his coverage assignments.
b.) His stats this season are not up to his usual standards.
c.) He wears noise-cancelling headphones whenever the coach is outline strategy during a late-game timeout, unlike his teammates who only wear those little iPod ear buds.
d.) He just announced that he's willing to waive his no-trade clause, which was awkward because the anthem singer wasn't done with the microphone yet.

You've wondered whether your next coach should be somebody from outside the organization who would bring a fresh perspective, but that may prove difficult because:
a.) The current coaching staff is working so well.
b.) Your organization has developed many excellent candidates internally and it's only fair that they get their chance at the job first.
c.) Thanks to that stupid internet, coaching candidates from other teams are now able to quickly look up your roster and then immediately hang up on you.
d.) Every available NHL coach keeps telling you "Actually, I already worked for you in recent years and you fired me, Bryan."

If you do decide to make a change, your ideal replacement candidate would be:
a.) Someone exactly like the current coach.
b.) Someone who shares the current coach's strengths and improves on his areas of weakness.
c.) Somebody who knows how to say "You know, eight minutes seems kind of long for one shift" in Russian.
d.) Someone who was once a third-liner for the Toronto Maple Leafs, since that's apparently the only qualification for a head coaching job in this league.

Scoring: Tally up your answers and check below to see how you did.
Mostly a.) Clear some room in the team trophy case for this year's Jack Adams.
Mostly b.) You may need to consider a move, but don't act too quickly.
Mostly c.) You need to make a change. Look around and see if you can find a pink slip anywhere.
Mostly d.) Oh, what luck - your owner is tapping you on the shoulder while holding one right now!

Is Alexander Ovechkin a coach killer?

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 19:59:00 +0000

The struggling Washington Capitals fired head coach Bruce Boudreau last week. And while Boudreau landed on his feet almost immediately in Anaheim, there are still plenty of questions about what went wrong in Washington. Most of the fingers are pointing at franchise player Alexander Ovechkin, who's numbers have dropped significantly over the past two seasons.

Is Ovechkin hurt? Has he already peaked? Or, perhaps worst of all, did he quit on his coach in an attempt to get him fired?

As it turns out, that last question came up recently at one of new coach Dale Hunter's first practices in Washington. And Bloge Salming was there with cameras rolling.

You can download an mp3 of this song at Backhand Shelf.

Full lyrics below:

Boudreau: He got me fired...
Ovechkin: Now I ain't sayin' I'm a coach killer
Boudreau: I'm out of work...
Ovechkin: But they weren't paying Boudreau nine million
Boudreau: He got me fired...
Ovechkin: Now I ain't sayin' I'm a coach killer
Boudreau: I'm out of work...
Ovechkin: But they weren't paying Boudreau nine million
Boudreau: He turned on me...
Ovechkin: Get out Bruce, go 'head get lost
Boudreau: He turned on me...
Ovechkin: Get out Bruce, go 'head get lost
Boudreau: He turned on me...
Ovechkin: Get out Bruce, go 'head get lost, get out Bruce, go 'head...

Two thousand and four
Met me on the entry draft floor
Picked first overall
Thanks to a lottery ball
They said he's just having fun
You can tell by his smile
Far as goals he'll get a ton
Against the Panthers and Leafs and the Isles
But we're lookin' for a Cup, have you seen it?
Leonsis promised we'd hang banners in the arena.
Two Harts, one Art Ross, two Rocket Richards
And now the coach tells me that he thinks I don't play hard?
Okay I'll buy in, but then we better win
And not choke against the Pens, or some hot goalie again.
And in the final minute, you know I'd better play
If you're benching me in games then you better feel safe
You know why?
Cause you're not going to budge me.
Caps fans' throats is where the team has shoved me
Media thinks they can shame me and judge me
But I don't care what none of y'all say they'll still love me

(Chorus)

Thirteen years, thirteen years
I had three good seasons then they gave me thirteen more years
I know some players giving discounts and backloading their deals
But Ovi doesn't play that, I need money for wheels
You will see me on TV, veteran product hawker
Eating Mr. Big with creepy heads inside of lockers
I was supposed to be impossible to stop as a shooter
Set the world on fire like a Vancouver looter
Drink from more Cups than Patrick Kane at a Hooters
But I ran out of gas like Mike Green on a scooter
If you're George McPhee holla' we need a goalie
WE NEED A GOALIE!
Yeah
It's something that you need to have
'Cause when we faced Halak I had to take a nap
Thirteen years, thirteen years
And with ten years left to go they found I didn't care?

(Chorus)

Now I ain't sayin' I'm a coach killer, you're brand new
You're gonna want a team that works hard, just like you
You went out to play, you'd punch throats, you'd break jaws
You once benched Robbie Schrempf, you're gonna lay down the law
But... while y'all plotting, watch me
I'm gon' make it to a Cup ring just like Crosby
I got that ambition, baby, look in my eyes
This week I'm kind of bored, but next week I might try
So... stick to your plan
I know that you're this legend, and yeah that's all grand
And I'll keep showboating and floating
But you keep screaming
Then one word from me, replace your ass with Mike Keenan

A fond farewell to the NHL's fired coaches

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 12:21:00 +0000

"Wait a second," thought Getzlaf, "Why do
I have to be the baldest guy on the bench?"

It's been a bad week for NHL coaches. After a relatively stable first two months of the season, NHL teams apparently decided it was time to start handing out pink slips.

Both Carolina's Paul Maurice and Washington's Bruce Boudreau were fired on Monday, and they were joined on the sidelines a few days later by Anaheim's Randy Carlyle. Or at least Maurice was; Boudreau was busy taking Carlyle's job.

The week's action brings this season's total number of fired coaches to four once you count Davis Payne, who got a head start when he was fired by the Blues three weeks ago. No doubt they'll be joined by others as the season wears on, but for now the latest round of coaching musical chairs seems to have ended.

But before we all move on, let's take one last fond look back and the four coaches who've been shown the door since the season began.

Davis Payne, St. Louis Blues

Previous experience: Was a virtual unknown in the hockey world when he was hired to coach the Blues in 2010, but things are much different these days because it's now 2011.
Career highlight: In one of those crazy little bits of trivia that nobody ever remembers but that's still technically true, was once the head coach of the St. Louis Blues.
Eventual downfall: Like other coaches who've lost their jobs to Ken Hitchcock, just couldn't win back the fans once they'd grown tired of watching vaguely entertaining hockey.
Future outlook: Is apparently working on a long-term deal with Calgary, according to hockey experts overheard mumbling something about Flames fans being in for another decade of constant Payne.

Paul Maurice, Carolina Hurricanes

Previous experience: Was named the coach of the Hartford Whalers at the age of 28, since that was the oldest a person could be without automatically throwing themselves in front of the Zamboni each time they heard "Brass Bonanza".
Career highlight: Won the Stanley Cup as coach of the Carolina Hurricanes in 2006, everyone just incorrectly assumes.
Eventual downfall: In hindsight, probably shouldn't have let Tomas Kaberle deliver that preseason "It turns out you can win a Stanley Cup ring without actually doing anything" speech.
Future outlook: Will probably want his next job to be in a city that appreciates the sport a little more than Carolina but isn't quite as hockey-crazy as Toronto. So, anywhere.

Bruce Boudreau, Washington Capitals

Previous experience: Spent the better part of three decades riding the buses in various minor leagues, so it was a huge shock when he had some difficulty relating to a player with a $124 million contract.
Career highlight: Led the Capitals to the best regular season record in the league in 2009-10, which would have been ever better if they hadn't listened to all those local football fans who insisted that the top seed always gets a first round bye.
Eventual downfall: Communication with star players Alexander Ovechkin and Alex Semin became so difficult that it often seemed as if those two were speaking some sort of completely different language.
Future outlook: Will no doubt quickly return to NHL prominence, but has decided to spend a few seasons in Anaheim first.

Randy Carlyle, Anaheim Ducks

Previous experience: Spent over 16 years as a player and then a coach in Winnipeg before being convinced to take a job in California during what hockey historians now refer to as "the shortest negotiation in history".
Career highlight: Joined that most exclusive of coaching clubs in 2007, when he qualified for the playoffs with a roster built by Brian Burke.
Eventual downfall: Failed to heed the age-old coaching advice, "always make sure your franchise goalie doesn't mysteriously develop vertigo".
Future outlook: May occasionally be mentioned as a possible replacement for Ron Wilson in Toronto, but only if the Maple Leafs miss the playoffs or have an extended slump or lose one game or give up a shot on net.

New at Grantland: November's NHL's Three Stars of Comedy

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 20:33:00 +0000

November's three stars post pays tribute to one GM's high-concept performance art, one head coach's NHL 95-based strategy, and one player's ability to dodge a mid-air spinning slash attempt.

You can read the post here.

And if you missed it last month, the October stars can be found here.

Potential issues in the next NHL CBA

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 13:08:00 +0000

After several awkward minutes, Fehr realized that
"high five me if you love escrow" was a bad idea.

So it turns out that the NBA won't be challenging the NHL's status as the only league to lose a full season to work stoppage after all. Despite dire predictions that the year would be lost, the NBA and its players managed to reach an agreement that will save most of the season.

That comes on the heels of recent agreements that saw both the NFL and MLB sign new deals without missing any games. So with three of North America's big four sports leagues having found labour peace, all eyes now shift back to the NHL. With the league's current collective bargaining agreement set to expire before next season, hockey fans are hoping that negotiations go more smoothly than they did the last time around.

So what will be the major issues in the next NHL CBA? That depends on who you talk to. As it turns out, everyone seems to have a different opinion on which issues should be top priorities. Here's a look at what various stakeholders around the NHL say they'd like to see changed in the league's next CBA:

Brendan Shanahan - Would like to increase the maximum player fine from the current $2,500; failing that, would at least like the players to stop paying it by grabbing a fistful of spare change, throwing it at me from their car window, then laughing and speeding off.

Alexander Ovechkin - I've repeatedly argued that the NHL give Russian players the chance to compete in the 2014 Olympics in Sochi, although to be honest you should probably also check with some of the guys who will make the team.

Kyle Turris - Pass a rule banning pointless holdouts where the player misses two months and doesn't get anything he was asking for, or at least have someone tell my agent that you did.

Scott Gomez - Realize that buyouts of guaranteed contracts will be up for discussion in the next CBA, but would still prefer if Jacques Martin and Pierre Gauthier didn't dramatically pack a suitcase for me during every intermission "just in case".

ESPN - Wait, did you say the 2004-2005 lockout ended? I guess we probably should have been showing some highlights or something over the last seven years.

Pittsburgh Penguins - Losing another season would be an absolute last resort, but if it comes to that let's make just sure that our old pal Gary gets to run the draft lottery again, wink wink. Wait, don't write that last part down.

Cory Schneider - So a work stoppage is when you just sit around every night and don't ever get to play any actual hockey? Hmm, I guess I should go ask Roberto what that's like.

Donald Fehr - Nothing helps set the stage for a long day of negotiating like an extra-large coffee first thing in the morning, but it's still kind of awkward to pull up to that drive-through window on days that Paul Kelly is working.

Phoenix Coyotes - Don't really care what's in next season's CBA, but are going to need to make sure it's translated into French. Uh, no reason.

Buffalo Sabres - Since we're renegotiating things, any chance we could update "the code" so that your goalie getting run over doesn't somehow make you obligated to let all the Boston Bruins punch you in the face repeatedly the next time you play?

Jay Feaster - We definitely need some sort of new rule where you're allowed to trade old, overpaid players for younger, cheaper ones. Wait, what? Oh man, since when?

Gary Bettman - Already know that Donald Fehr has a history of tough negotiating on behalf of his players without much regard for the impact on the league and its teams, so there's really no need for him to rub it in by wearing a Montreal Expos cap to every bargaining session.

Alexander Ovechkin vs. Sidney Crosby: An in-depth comparison

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 13:37:00 +0000

The NHL's two most marketable stars are back in the news this week. But while Sidney Crosby and Alexander Ovechkin are both making headlines again, it's for very different reasons.

In Crosby's case, the news is good. He's finally returned after missing almost 11 months with a concussion, and his four-point performance in his first game back already has fans wondering if he can win the scoring title despite missing a quarter of the season.

Ovechkin is at the other end of the spectrum. With his numbers declining and rumours of tension in the dressing room of the suddenly mediocre Capitals, some are starting to wonder if the 26-year-old has already peaked as an elite NHL talent.

Crosby and Ovechkin have been linked ever since they both made their debuts during the 2005-06 season, and it appears they will be for years to come. Here's a comparison of two of the league's most talented and popular young players.

Alexander Ovechkin: Has been known to get angry with his coach while on the bench and shout obscenities.
Sidney Crosby: Has been known to get angry with his coach while on the bench and shout "I'm just going to go out there and give 110%", since that's all he's programmed to ever say.

Sidney Crosby: Wears jersey number 87, signifying his year of birth.
Alexander Ovechkin: Wears jersey number 8, signifying the number of goals he needs to score in any given game before he won't automatically be blamed if the Capitals lose.

Alexander Ovechkin: Has been invited to throw out the ceremonial first pitch at games for the Washington Nationals and Baltimore Orioles.
Sidney Crosby: Would probably be thrilled to do the same if Pittsburgh ever managed to get a professional baseball team.

Sidney Crosby: Has had the opportunity to hone his acting ability in commercials for brands like Reebok and Tim Hortons.
Alexander Ovechkin: Has had the opportunity to hone his acting ability every time Bruce Boudreau starts yelling about maybe backchecking once in a while and he has to pretend that he's listening.

Alexander Ovechkin: Has occasionally found himself in trouble with the league due to questionable hits against defenceless opponents.
Sidney Crosby: Would never check a defenceless opponent in a dangerous manner because he is classy and respects the game and Matt Cooke usually gets there first.

Sidney Crosby: May one day come to be viewed as a cautionary example who taught a generation of fans a valuable lesson about the dangers of head injuries.
Alexander Ovechkin: May one day come to be viewed as a cautionary example who taught a generation of fans a valuable lesson about the dangers of thinking it's a good idea for guys to get lower back tattoos.

Alexander Ovechkin: Is so good at anticipating the flow of the game that he can often react to an incoming pass attempt before the puck has even left his teammate's stick.
Sidney Crosby: Is so good at anticipating the flow of the game that he can often react to an opposing player's attempted body check by falling down before he's even touched.

Sidney Crosby: Has had one 50-goal season so far, and given his injury concerns experts admit they have no idea how many more he may have over the course of his career.
Alexander Ovechkin: Rather than cause all sorts of confusion, was apparently considerate enough to get all of his 50-goal seasons out the way early.

Alexander Ovechkin: Owns the hockey world's record for the most Twitter followers, with 250,000.
Sidney Crosby: Owns the hockey world's record for the most MySpace friends, with nine.

Sidney Crosby: Diehard Pittsburgh fans will eagerly tell you that he's following in the footsteps of legendary Penguins from past generations, like Mario Lemieux, Ron Francis and Paul Coffey.
Alexander Ovechkin: Diehard Washington fans will eagerly tell you that he's following in the footsteps of legendary Capitals from past generations, before trailing off, furrowing their brow, and eventually changing the subject.

Alexander Ovechkin: Despite his flashy on-ice personality, is known to dress casually off the ice and rarely calls attention to himself with gaudy accessories.
Sidney Crosby: In contrast to the classy Ovechkin, has been known to walk out of the arena wearing a giant diamond-studded ring or a gold medallion around his neck.

Ways the Maple Leafs would be different if Wayne Gretzky owned them

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 13:07:00 +0000

The new owner gets his first look
at the Mike Komisarek contract.

The slow-moving saga that is the sale of the Toronto Maple Leafs received an unexpected jolt late last week with speculation that Wayne Gretzky could have a role with a new ownership group.

Initial reports indicated that Gretzky had been approached by one or more potential buyers. Gretzky briefly seemed to confirm that, before later backtracking and denying any involvement in a deal. Confusion reigned, with various insiders trying to interpret Gretzky's words to figure out what, if anything, was really going on. And once all the smoke cleared, it seemed like the whole thing may have been one big false alarm.

But why let reality spoil the fun? After all, the mere rumour of Gretzky's involvement was enough to get hockey fans thinking: What if The Great One were to invest in the Maple Leafs? What kind of impact would he have on one of the league's most storied franchises?

The best guess is that Gretzky's arrival in Toronto would bring plenty of changes:

Every Leaf fan you know would start bringing up the Gretzky/Gilmour high-sticking incident 10 times a day, instead of eight times a day like they have been for the past 18 years.
Any potential NHL owner who has ever publicly argued in favour of placing a team in Hamilton would immediately start getting ominous phone calls from Dave Semenko inviting them to go for a canoe ride.
Gretzky would use his show business connections to land Phil Kessel a starring spot on Saturday Night Live, just to ensure that somebody finally breaks his record for "most awkward SNL host of all-time".
Edmonton Oilers fans would feel oddly conflicted when Maple Leafs ownership signs Taylor Hall and Jordan Eberle as free agents in five years.
As a long-time promoter of the sport who realizes how important it is for key members of an organization to be available to the media, Gretzky would see if he could do anything about finally getting Brian Burke to come out of his shell.
"Wear your old jersey to work day" gets kind of awkward whenever Rick Dudley and Wilf Paiement show up.
It's always important that new ownership shows fans that they're serious about winning by signing a can't-miss player to a huge contract, so Raghib Ismail should probably be expecting a phone call.
Effective immediately, the owner's office is moved from a lavish corner suite in the Air Canada Centre to directly behind the opponent's net.
Any players complaining to ownership that the current coach is the worst they've ever seen would have to immediately add, "uh, present company excluded of course".
Gretzky investing in the Leafs would result in the most popular player in hockey history owning the most popular team, meaning the next logical move would be Claude Lemieux and Ulf Samuelsson buying the Canucks.
For reasons nobody seems to understand, the Leafs immediately stop using their best players in the shootout.
The Leafs would stop chasing quick fixes through free agency and trades, and finally get to work on building a dynasty the old-fashioned way: by purchasing the personal services contracts of teenagers from faltering teams in soon-to-be-defunct leagues.
Hockey fans in Toronto would no doubt be eager to embrace a legendary Hall of Famer with multiple Stanley Cup rings and would give him plenty of time to execute on his plan before criticizing him, mutters Ken Dryden bitterly.
After several small-market teams face a sudden financial crisis when the Leafs begin withholding their revenue sharing payments, Gretzky tells Gary Bettman, "Gosh, I guess it would be really annoying if someone didn't pay you the money they owed you."
Maybe, just maybe, the Toronto Maple Leafs can finally start getting some media coverage.

The secret agenda from this week's GM meetings

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 13:23:00 +0000

While Burke's new acquisition was only 10 inches
tall and completely immobile, the critics had to
agree that he did upgrade the goaltending.

The NHL held its annual general managers meeting this week, as 30 of the most powerful men in the league gathered in Toronto for a discussion of various league issues.

But what exactly were they talking about? As always, the meeting was closed to the media. And while some GMs did offer brief comments to reporters about what was discussed, league policy is that the official agenda is never released to the public.

Until now, that is. DGB spies were in attendance, and they were able to pass on a copy of the full day's schedule:

9:00 a.m. - Opening remarks from Gary Bettman: "Well, at least we're not the NBA!"

9:30 a.m. - Opening remarks from Donald Fehr: "… for one more year."

10:00 a.m. - Buffalo GM Darcy Regier presents an argument in favour of stricter penalties for hits against goaltenders such as the recent one by Milan Lucic against Ryan Miller, including an ominous threat that the Sabres may now be forced to seek retribution during their next game against Boston.

10:02 a.m. - Everyone in the room tries really hard to keep a straight face at the idea that the Sabres have anyone on the roster who's going to scare the Bruins.

10:03 a.m. - Everyone fails.

10:30 a.m. - Islanders' GM Garth Snow presents a detailed proposal entitled "Look, I'm not singling anyone out, but the next CBA really needs a way for us to cancel horrible long-term contracts given to goaltenders."

10:31 a.m. - Mike Gillis slowly sits down after realizing he's the only one participating in the enthusiastic standing ovation.

11:00 a.m. - Group discussion: "Hey guys, remember how before this CBA when GMs all got together in a room there used to be these things called 'trades', and it was really fun and entertaining and the fans loved it? Yeah, me neither."

12:00 noon - Lunch, unless Pierre Gauthier fired the caterer an hour before he was supposed to start work.

1:00 p.m. - A discussion about the trap, and whether it could be responsible for creating a dull brand of defensive-minded hockey that will lower scoring and drive away a generation of fans.

1:20 p.m. - A discussion about why we didn't have the previous discussion 15 years ago.

1:31 p.m. - Flyers' GM Paul Holmgrem notices what time it is and abruptly refuses to continue participating.

2:00 p.m. - Group discussion: "Changing the icing rules so defencemen stop getting their legs snapped in half for no reason: Let's all try really hard to pretend we're actually considering it this year."

2:30 p.m. - "Point: Brendan Shanahan is doing a wonderful job!" - A joint presentation by every GM who hasn't had a player suspended yet this year.

2:40 p.m. - "Counterpoint: Brendan Shanahan is doing a terrible job!" - A joint presentation by every GM who has had a player suspended this year.

2:50 p.m. - "Hey, why don't we all watch some old YouTube clips of Brendan Shanahan from his playing days repeatedly punching people in the face because they got on his nerves" - A presentation by Brendan Shanahan

3:00 p.m. - Question period with Brendan Shanahan. (Note: There will be no questions.)

3:05 p.m. - Hey, now might be a good time for somebody to go check on the room where all the GMs dropped off their grandchildren with some paper and crayons, and see which one has successfully designed the next New York Islander third jerseys.

3:45 p.m. - Scott Howson tentatively raises his hand to ask why the Columbus invitation to the next meeting in a few months was addressed to "occupant".

4:30 p.m. - A special closing presentation by former Toronto Maple Leafs GM John Ferguson Jr.: "How my failure to recognize the obvious need for a complete rebuild turned out to be a catastrophic mistake from which the team has never fully recovered even to this day".

4:35 p.m. - Jay Feaster awkwardly begins to wonder why everyone in the room is staring at him.

Things overheard at the Hockey Hall of Fame induction ceremony

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 13:06:00 +0000

By the third time he ordered them to punch
an invisible midget, the inductees had begun
to realize the photographer may be crazy.

Last night saw four former NHL stars receive the highest honour the sport has to offer when they were inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame. Doug Gilmour, Eddie Belfour, Joe Nieuwendyk and Mark Howe will each now see their names included among the legends that line the wall in the Great Hall.

The induction ceremony capped off several days of celebration, which included the annual Hall of Fame Game, a fan forum, and a legends game. It all makes up one of the most popular weekends on the NHL's calendar, with many of the biggest names in the sport gathered to take part in the festivities.

Needless to say, my sources were there with tape recorders rolling. And they put together a list of the most interesting comments overheard during the course of the evening.

Wow, Doug Gilmour sure is getting emotional during his acceptance speech. Wait, what do you mean you can't see him? He's standing right in front of you, Mr. Fraser.
That's a great question, Mr. Belfour, I'm not sure why your plaque has that asterisk next to the mention of your Stanley Cup win. I'll ask the engraver, he's the guy over there in the Sabres jersey.
Mr. Nieuwendyk, how does it feel to be the only player in NHL history to have ever been traded for Jarome Iginla? You know, until next March.
BOOOOOOO! Oh, sorry Mr. Bettman, I saw you brush up against the Stanley Cup display and I guess it was just force of habit.
Come quick! Mark Howe is telling some great stories about how in the old days the Flyers would respond to a tough defence by working harder instead of just refusing to play any more like spoiled toddlers.
I know he's your best friend, Joe, but any chance you could get Gary Roberts to stop standing in front of the buffet with his arms crossed and forcing everyone to eat wheat germ smoothies instead?
Hello, security? Adam Oates is standing in front of Bernie Federko's plaque and weeping again.
I think this is the first time Mark Howe and Doug Gilmour have been together at the Hall of Fame since they opened that exhibit called "From Cow Tights to Cooperalls: the most embarrassing things hockey players have ever worn on their legs".
Did anyone else find it odd that out of the ten people that Nieuwendyk personally thanked during his speech, seven of them were Patrick Lalime?
That's interesting, I never noticed that the first sentence on Wayne Gretzky's plaque mentions him being the worst coach Georges Laraque ever had.
This is going to be kind of awkward, Mark, but Brendan Shanahan needs to talk to you. They've made the new rules against elbows to the head retroactive, and he needs you to tell your dad he's been suspended for 7,000 games.
Sorry about accidentally inducting you tonight, Sidney. I guess it only feels like it's been three years since your last game.
For a guy who's supposed to have such a great sense of humour, Nieuwendyk really didn't think it was all that funny when I hung that big sign next to his plaque saying "This space reserved for Brad Richards".
Hey, wait a second, Mark Howe never played for the Leafs. Let's get him!
Eddie, during your speech you may want to avoid mentioning that you were a goalie. You wouldn't want Milan Lucic to charge up and try to take your head off.
Wow Dougie, you look like you could still suit up and play! No seriously, you do. Sign here, Brian Burke says you're centering the Kessel line Tuesday night.

Beyond the 1-3-1: Other NHL team defensive systems

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 13:04:00 +0000

What's the difference between a hockey
puck and Mike Richards? The Flyers will
honor a no-movement policy for the puck.

The latest NHL controversy surfaced during Wednesday night's action. Although in fairness, "action" probably isn't the right word.

Early in a game between the Lightning and Flyers, Tampa Bay settled into their patented 1-3-1 defensive system which sees all five skaters take up passive positions in the neutral zone to break up an incoming attack. The Flyers responded by refusing to advance the puck - their defencemen simply held the puck in their own zone.

The result, predictably, was a farce. The game ground to a halt, the officials were forced to repeatedly blow the play dead, and the fans who thought they had paid to see an entertaining game made sure everyone involved knew that they weren't happy. Now there's talk that the league needs to outlaw Tampa Bay's system.

But why single out the Lightning? After all, they're not the only team that employs a specific defensive system. In fact, these days most teams have their own unique ways of keeping the puck out of their net.

Here are just a few of the team-specific defensive systems currently in use around the NHL.

Boston Bruins - Attacking forwards are met in the neutral zone by a winger who attempts to use lateral pressure to direct them towards the far boards as they cross the blueline, at which point Zdeno Chara unhinges his jaw and devours them.

Columbus Blue Jackets - Winger Rick Nash forechecks deep to apply pressure, then follows the defencemen around for the rest of the shift frantically begging them to convince their general manager to trade for him.

Nashville Predators - As soon as opposing players break into the offensive zone against Pekka Rinne, Ryan Suter and Shea Weber casually skate to the bench and let Mr. Moneybags back there handle it.

Calgary Flames - Opposing players entering the attacking zone are told of the details of the Dion Phaneuf for Matt Stajan trade, and then spend the rest of the game standing around trying to figure out how that ever seemed like it would be a good idea.

Winnipeg Jets - They always make sure to give the other team that one controller where the pass button gets stuck ever since somebody spilled a beer on it.

Phoenix Coyotes - Moment before the opening faceoff, Paul Bissonnette logs on to his Twitter account and retweets some random fan because it's their birthday; for the rest of the game, the other team is distracted by their overwhelming desire to grab him by the shoulders and scream that hockey players really need to stop doing that.

New Jersey Devils - Opposing forwards breaking in on Martin Brodeur are funnelled along the side wall towards a time machine programmed for 2004.

Toronto Maple Leafs - Are experimenting with a brand new never-before-tried system called "Prevent goals by not letting players on the other team elbow our only decent goaltender in the head and ruin our entire season".

Detroit Red Wings - Opposing forwards are periodically told "Hey, you know that Nicklas Lidstrom is on the ice, right?" at which point they immediately give up and go home.

Ottawa Senators - Players entering the offensive zone momentarily observe the level of effort being exerted by Sergei Gonchar, at which point they assume the play must have already been blown dead and they just didn't hear it.

Los Angeles Kings - Have recently found that politely asking Jonathan Quick not to allow any goals that game usually works.

Montreal Canadiens - Don't really have a system; just assume the other team will be tired out from having to constantly skate around the dozens of injured Montreal players that inevitably clutter the ice by the end of every game.

Success stories from the NHL's opening month

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 13:03:00 +0000

"And then Ryan Smyth told me he used to have a
phone that was connected to the wall! What a joker!"

The NHL season is now a month old, and for many hockey fans that can mean only one thing: it's time to start looking for something to complain about.

After all, these days it seems like some fans love nothing more than pointing out someone else's flaws. And sure, if you look closely enough at any team or player you can always find at least one or two things that may be slightly less than perfect.

But as long-time readers know, I've never been the sort of writer who chooses to focus on the negative. So instead, let's take a look around the league and highlight some of the good news that's been on display in the early going. Consider this a negativity-free zone.

Here are some of the most inspiring success stories from the season's first month.

Joe Thornton - Showed a lot of class by apologizing to the Rangers for calling them the softest team the Sharks had played against, after explaining that he hadn't realized that intrasquad scrimmages counted too.

Ken Hitchcock - The Blues' new head coach will no doubt be wildly popular in St. Louis, a town where fans have proven to be willing to embrace a team's boss even if he's incapable of correctly operating a simple telephone.

Ville Leino - His $27 million contract with the Sabres is completely guaranteed no matter how he plays, his agent incredulously reminds him several times a day.

Dion Phaneuf - Has managed to put together an impressive season despite his recent habit of coming back to the bench after every shift, turning on his smartphone, checking for updates about the Calgary Flames, then laughing hysterically while high-fiving all his teammates.

Columbus Blue Jackets - Have made significant progress towards their goal during October, in the sense that they're now an entire month closer to being done with this writeoff of a season and going home.

Roberto Luongo - Despite the overly negative critics who insisted it couldn't be done, has successfully made Canuck fans refer to his performance in last year's playoffs as "the good old days".

Kari Lehtonen - Has put up excellent numbers while looking like a goaltender who is driven to excellence by the constant fear of losing his starter's job, so given that his backup is Andrew Raycroft he's apparently one heck of a good actor.

Sidney Crosby - Is reportedly getting close to a possible return, which is great news for the Penguins because so far this year they look like they could really use some help on their fourth line.

Bruce Boudreau - Has somehow managed to keep his players and staff on track despite the recent outburst by Alexander Ovechkin, which based on the media reaction was apparently the first time anyone has ever sworn during a hockey game.

Nikolai Khabibulin - Has kept his goals against average under 1.00, although in fairness that's not all that hard to do when Taylor Hall and Ryan Nugent-Hopkins spend 57 minutes of every game just skating around the other team's zone while whistling the Harlem Globetrotters theme song.

Mike Richards - Still hasn't completely gotten over being traded away by the Flyers but it could be a lot worse, according to the nightly phone calls from a sobbing Jeff Carter.

Jacques Martin - Is apparently much more popular with his players lately, since Perry Pearn promised to tell him as soon as he heard any rumours of discontent and that guy hasn't dropped by his office in like two weeks.

Pekka Rinne - Thanks to his new $49 million contract, Nashville fans will now have seven more years to watch him backstop the Predators against rivals such as the Red Wings, Blackhawks, and whichever teams Shea Weber and Ryan Suter now have to sign with.