Down Goes Brown

Martin Brodeur vs. Henrik Lundqvist: An in-depth comparison

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Tue, 22 May 2012 12:05:00 +0000

"Do you think they'll eventually stop
trapping and blocking shots long enough to
notice we stopped playing ten minutes ago?"

The Eastern Conference finals between the New York Rangers and New Jersey Devils continues this week, and in a series dominated by defensive play and low-scoring games, no two stars are getting more attention than goaltenders Martin Brodeur and Henrik Lundqvist.

On the surface, Brodeur and Lundqvist are similar players: Elite goaltenders for Atlantic Division powerhouses who’ve racked up plenty of all-star appearances, rewritten franchise record books and built stellar international resumes. But look deeper, and you’ll find some subtle differences between these two stars.

Brodeur – Turns away NHL shooters by employing a hybrid style that combines aspects of the butterfly technique with a more traditional stand-up approach.
Lundqvist – Turns away NHL shooters by lifting his mask and gently saying “Look at this face, would you really want to be responsible for making it frown?”

Lundqvist – Developed a reputation for quickness early in his career by frequently diving across the crease to stop sure goals.
Brodeur – Developed a reputation for quickness early in his career by frequently diving across the crease to avoid the incoming severed heads of forwards who hadn’t noticed that Scott Stevens was nearby.

Brodeur – Has scored a goal into the other team’s empty net in both the playoffs and the regular season.
Lundqvist – Would love to score a goal, but every time he tries a Rangers defenceman sprawls out to block the shot and then mumbles “Sorry, force of habit”.

Lundqvist – Spent his early years playing hockey in local rinks in his native Sweden, where he was frequently mistaken for his identical twin brother Joel.
Brodeur – Would often accompany his photographer father to Montreal Canadiens practices as a small child, where he was frequently mistaken for Mats Naslund.

Brodeur – Along with Frank McCool, owns the record for most shutout games in a Stanley Cup final with three.
Lundqvist – Along with Jonathan Quick, will soon own the record for most shutout periods in game one of the Stanley Cup final with fourteen, before the league just gives up and cancels the whole series.

Lundqvist – Gained experience playing hockey without ice when he led Sweden to a gold medal in 2002 Inline Hockey World Championships.
Brodeur – Has no experience playing hockey without ice, unless you count the third period of last week’s games at Madison Square Garden.

Brodeur – Surprisingly, enters this year having never won the Conn Smythe Trophy in his career, since even in his best seasons there was always at least one other player who had a dominant playoffs.
Lundqvist – Also enters this year having never won the Conn Smythe Trophy, since the league typically doesn’t give that award out after one round.

Lundqvist – In 2011, opened a restaurant called “Tiny’s” with Ranger teammate Sean Avery.
Brodeur – Has spent years listening to Sean Avery personally suggest various names for a restaurant of his own, none of which involved the word “Tiny”.

Brodeur – Claimed gold medals in both 2002 and 2010 when he was part of the Team Canada roster that beat Team USA.
Lundqvist – Claims to have won a gold medal with Team Sweden in 2006, and everyone just sort of nods instead of admitting that we secretly stop paying attention to Olympic hockey as soon as the North American teams are eliminated.

Lundqvist – In an attempt to pay him the highest compliment they can think of, New York fans and media frequently refer to him as “King Henrik”.
Brodeur – In an attempt to pay him the highest compliment they can think of, New Jersey fans and media frequently refer to him as “Martin Brodeur”.

Brodeur – Could be in the final season of his career, thanks to his advancing age.
Lundqvist – Could be in the final season of his career, thanks to the upcoming ten-year lockout over how to divide up three billion dollars.

Lundqvist – Spends his spare time modeling for fashion magazines and playing guitar in a rock band.
Brodeur – Spends his spare time wishing he was Henrik Lundqvist, probably, although maybe I’m just projecting.

Brodeur – Became the only member of an exclusive club when he won his 600th career NHL game.
Lundqvist – Became the only member of an exclusive club when he asked coach John Tortorella how he was doing, received a one-word answer, and then didn’t immediately write three dozen articles complaining about it.

Each side's major sticking points in the upcoming CBA negotiations

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Sat, 19 May 2012 12:05:00 +0000

In anticipation of the next round of CBA negotiations, Gary
Bettman began a schedule of daily evil laugh practices.

The first shot in what could be a long and ugly labor battle was fired this week when the NHL gave notice to the NHLPA that it wants to modify or terminate the existing collective bargaining agreement in September. The decision was bad news for fans who were hoping to avoid another extended work stoppage.

Or maybe not. After all, everyone already knew that a renegotiation of the existing deal was coming, so the league's move amounted to a mere legal formality. The real action won't come until the two sides sit down to bargain later in the summer.

How will those negotiations go? Nobody knows yet, but sources tell me that the two sides are already hard at work compiling their lists of demands. According to insiders, here are some of the key issues that the NHL and NHLPA will be taking to the bargaining table over the next few months.

NHLPA - While we always realized that the odds of the Raffi Torres suspension being reduced on appeal were low, it still would have been nice for Gary Bettman to let Torres complete at least one sentence without immediately banging a giant gong.

NHL -We all agree that we absolutely must do something to discourage teams from signing players to extremely long-term contracts, so could you guys ask Ilya Bryzgalov to send us a nice photo we could make into a poster to hang in every owner's office?

NHLPA - Several of our members insist that we revamp the draft lottery system so that the Edmonton Oilers don't win every year, although come to think of it everyone who told us that looked an awful lot like a 17-year-old prospect wearing a fake mustache and beard.

NHL - Yes, having large markets play deep into the playoffs increase television ratings and yes, it's important for overall league revenue that the sport do well in the southern US, but we still can't shake the nagging feeling that at some point someone will notice that the LA Kings' net has been two feet smaller than everyone else's for the last month.

NHLPA - Mike Komisarek says it would be super-awesome if we could have just one conversation about an amnesty buyout period without everyone in the hockey world awkwardly turning and staring at him.

NHL - Everyone is clearly fed up with the current discipline system where some suspensions are too long and others are too short and there's never any consistency, so let's just go back to having every suspension consistently being too short like it was a few years ago.

NHLPA - We've still been unable to get any feedback on CBA issues from any members of the New York Rangers, since whoever keeps answering the phone when we call their dressing room just grunts monosyllabic answers at us like a sullen teenager and hangs up.

NHL - Look, all those "lazy Russians don't want to win in the playoffs" narratives took a lot of work for the hockey world to build up over the years, so we'd really appreciate it if Ilya Kovalchuk could stop singlehandedly ruining them.

NHLPA - While we realize that it's become tradition for the Stanley Cup winning captain to pose for a photograph with the commissioner before being handed the trophy, it's still kind of creepy how Bettman always takes that moment to whisper "I've been sitting in this all day without pants".

NHL - Even though he did somehow obtain all of the proper licenses and permits first, it's still not cool how David Booth keeps leaping out of our grandkids' closets and gunning down all their teddy bears.

NHLPA -While we can appreciate that the league would like to increase offense by encouraging forwards and defensemen to refrain from blocking shots, there has to be a better way than just mailing us all a "What Would Marc-Andre Fleury Do?" bracelet.

NHL - Despite consistent profits since the last lockout and record revenues that have increased by almost one billion dollars, it's vitally important that we get further concessions from the players to ensure the ongoing health of the… oh man, we came so close to getting all the way through that with a straight face, let us try it just one more time.

Hidden playoff injuries revealed

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Tue, 15 May 2012 12:19:00 +0000

Jordan Staal is informed of the trade
rumors linking him to the Maple Leafs.

It’s the time of year when hockey fans see something they’re not used to on NHL injury reports: honesty.

By now fans have become used to teams being as vague as possible when it comes to health issues. Many injuries to key players are never acknowledged at all, and those that are mentioned are cryptically referred to as upper or lower body injuries and nothing more.

But that all changes one a team has been eliminated. There’s no point in keeping up the charade once the season is over, so teams finally let the public know what sort of medical challenges the players were dealing with. Sometimes the news confirms fans’ existing suspicions, and sometimes we’re all caught completely off-guard.

Here are some of the hidden injuries that teams have recently revealed after being eliminated from Stanley Cup contention.

Ryan Suter, Nashville Predators – His teammates say he was obviously dealing with some sort of major injury that will require him to meet with a specialist in Detroit, since he spent the past few months constantly whispering into his cellphone about some sort of appointment there at 12:01 on July 1.

David Backes, St. Louis Blues – Along with several teammates, suffered abdominal injuries from laughing at that moronic advance scout who kept insisting that the best way to score on Jonathan Quick was to take slapshots from centre ice.

Ed Jovanovski, Florida Panthers – Keeps saying that he thinks this year’s first round loss will help the Panthers when they’re back in the playoffs next year, which has led to facial trauma from all the people who keep pinching his cheeks and telling him he’s being just adorable.

Ryan Kesler, Vancouver Canucks – Will be out for six months after surgery to repair an injured labrum that has confounded local experts, in the sense that they haven’t been able to figure out how to blame it on Roberto Luongo.

Sidney Crosby, Pittsburgh Penguins – Was not only hurt but also has terrible cellphone reception since every time you ask him what his injury is he yells “Uh, you’re breaking up on me” and hangs up, according to the people who put together Team Canada’s entry in the World Championships.

Brad Marchand, Boston Bruins – Was battling through an upper-body injury that team doctors described as unusual, since it’s rare to see so many knee-cap-shaped bruises on somebody’s shoulder like that.

Erik Karlsson, Ottawa Senators – Looked pretty darn tired towards the end there and should probably just take half of next season off, according to this petition from other NHL blueliners who’d like to have a chance at winning the defencemen scoring title.

Claude Giroux, Philadelphia Flyers – At some point between the first and second rounds, apparently had whatever that type of injury is that turns you from the consensus best player in the world to an overrated bum that everyone hates in a week.

Nicklas Lidstrom, Detroit Red Wings – Has been spotted walking around with this weird growth on his back that looks kind of like Mike Babcock crying and screaming “Please don’t retire!”

Patrick Marleau, San Jose Sharks – Embarrassed team doctors recently admitted that it turns out that they didn’t need to list him on every injury report after all, since technically “eyebrows that make you look super-surprised in every photo” aren’t actually considered an upper body injury.

Alexander Ovechkin, Washington Capitals –Has been dealing with a severely broken heart ever since he heard that coach Dale Hunter won’t return next year, he told everyone, although come to think of it considering all the champagne and balloons there’s a chance he may have been being sarcastic.

Patrick Kane, Chicago Blackhawks – Obviously suffered some sort of serious injury to his knees or legs, since every story about him on gossip blogs these days ends with all his friends having to carry him.

A fan's guide to handling the pressure of Game Seven

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Fri, 11 May 2012 12:33:00 +0000

The series turning point came when Ovechkin
started using the "slide the goalie out
of the crease" move from NHL '93.

Tonight, hockey fans will get to hear two of the most ominous words in sports: "game seven". The Washington Capitals will visit the New York Rangers for the conclusion of their series with a trip to the conference finals hanging in the balance.

For most fans, that makes the game something to look forward to. But if you're a diehard Capital or Ranger fan, maybe not. After all, seeing an entire season come down to a single winner-take-all contest can be excruciating. And let's face it, some fans handle this sort of situation better than others.

So whether you're a nervous fan or will have the misfortune of spending time around one, I'm here to help. Here are some tips on how to handle the day of a crucial NHL playoff game.

DO: If you'd prefer to watch alone, plan to take in the game someplace where you know you'll never have to worry about running into any hockey fans at this time of year.
DO NOT: Be rude if the Rexall Place security guard doesn't agree to let you in right away.

DO: Try your best to ignore that one guy watching the game with you and your friends who doesn't seem to be a hockey fan, know what's going on, or have even the slightest understanding about the NHL and how it works.
DO NOT: Be surprised when he casually mentions that he's in the process of buying the Phoenix Coyotes.

DO: Apologize immediately if the stress of the situation causes you to lose your temper with your children by snapping at them with one-word answers every time they try to talk to you.
DO NOT: Make the situation worse by explaining that you were simply trying to talk to them "Tortorella-style".

DO: Adhere to your time-honoured superstitions by making sure to watch from the exact same spot you were sitting in the last time your team won a game this big.
DO NOT: Take any attitude from people saying things like "You're sitting in my seat" and "You're blocking my view" and "You moved out of this apartment years ago, we're calling the police".

DO: Remember to be considerate of others who don't seem interested in the game, such as when turning to the obnoxious guys next to you at the bar and politely asking "Could you please keep it down, I'm feeling nervous about the big game that starts in a few hours".
DO NOT: Push it too far by adding "And come to think of it, aren't you supposed to be playing in it, Andrei?"

DO: Invite your New York Ranger fan friend out for a night of heavy drinking to get his mind off of the game.
DO NOT: Become too annoyed when he rushes around blocking everyone's attempt to take a shot out of force of habit.

DO: Reassure your Washington Capital fan best friend that he'll have your support win or lose, because he's always been there in good times and bad and is incredibly important to you.
DO NOT: Add that, based on what you've learned in the past few weeks from watching Dale Hunter, that means you're now going to have to start hanging out with six or seven other guys way more often than him for no apparent reason.

DO: Try to articulate the enormous respect you have for NHL players by coming up with some sort of comparison you could make to people in other professions.
DO NOT: Be surprised when this attempt results in you being pulled over five separate times on the way home by the NYPD.

DO: Take a moment to acknowledge that hockey is only a game, and while seeing your team win is nice it will never be more important than the time you spend with your loved ones.
DO NOT: Forget to make sure they've all left the room before apologizing profusely to the hockey gods and promising to never say something so ridiculous ever again.

DO: Remain philosophical in the face of defeat by saying things like "A tough playoff loss can be devastating, but I guess it's just an experience that we all have to go through at some point during our lives".
DO NOT: Point and laugh when the eight-year-old Maple Leafs fan next to you immediately begins to cry.

Some positive thinking for Canada's NHL teams

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Tue, 08 May 2012 12:04:00 +0000

If I use them as the photo, maybe Habs and Jets
fans won't complain that they got one fewer joke
than the other teams," thought the weary blogger.

The second round of the playoffs is underway, but fans may feel like something's missing. An entire country, to be specific, since for the first time in a generation not a single Canadian team made it out of round one. And that's lead to a seemingly never-ending parade of negativity and speculation about what's ailing the nation's franchises.

Enough is enough. As longtime readers know, if there's one thing this space is committed to it's a sense of unrelenting optimism. So let's focus on the bright side, and come up with as many positive things as possible to say about each of Canada's seven teams.

Montreal Canadiens - The upcoming collective bargaining agreement should make it possible for the team to finally recover from the Scott Gomez trade, assuming it ends up including some sort of "get Ryan McDonagh back" clause.

Winnipeg Jets - While they put up a disappointing season in terms of wins, points, and goals for and against, they did have their best season in 16 years in the all-important "actually existing" category.

Toronto Maple Leafs - Many experts insist that a good NHL rebuild takes five years, and if that's true then the Leafs should be ready to contend for a title sometime in the next negative three years or so.

Calgary Flames - The likely offseason trade of Jarome Iginla will eventually allow Flames fans to enjoy a championship, assuming they all switch allegiances to whichever team acquires Jarome Iginla.

Vancouver Canucks - Have indicated that they'll be trading Roberto Luongo, which is great, because trading that guy away has always worked out so well for other teams.

Edmonton Oilers - The team has assembled a dynamic core of top-tier forwards and will no doubt be able to keep them together after their entry-level contracts expire because they just will, OK, according to the Oiler fan rocking in the fetal position with his hands over his ears.

Ottawa Senators - Are being unanimously lauded as a model example of a rebuilding franchise by hockey experts, and those guys haven't been completely and totally wrong about the Senators since last October.

Toronto Maple Leafs - All those fans who kept chanting "Let's go Blue Jays" at the end of the season have recently switched to chanting "Yeah OK, you called my bluff, when do season tickets go on sale?"

Calgary Flames - Their front office has proven without a doubt that they know how to guide an underdog team deep into the playoffs, just as soon as they've been fired and then signed by another team as head coach.

Vancouver Canucks - The team's off-season plan is so detailed and brilliant that it will knock you right off your feet, or at least it did when they tried to show it to Ryan Kesler.

Edmonton Oilers - The team's front office is using the World Championships to scout blueline prospect Ryan Murray, which is smart since if there's one crucial skill for a future Oiler it's the ability to take part in the World Championships.

Ottawa Senators - Erik Karlsson was so dominating this year that owner Eugene Melnyk said he could be one of the greatest defensemen of all-time, according to the one slide that's repeated 500 consecutive times in the presentation Karlsson's agent's has already built for his upcoming free agency negotiation.

Montreal Canadiens - New general manager Marc Bergevin held key several front office roles with the Blackhawks over the past few years, so whenever a salary cap issue comes up they can just ask him how he would handle it and then do the opposite.

Winnipeg Jets - According to the small print the warranty is technically good for twelve months, so fans can still return this team to Atlanta for a refund and enjoy this upcoming Coyotes championship.

Toronto Maple Leafs - It's been rumored that much-maligned goaltending coach Francois Allaire may be leaving, so hopefully the new guy will be able to teach James Reimer important skills like "not getting elbowed in the head by Brian Gionta".

Calgary Flames - A veteran like Miikka Kiprusoff could bring a windfall in a trade with a team whose fans had turned against their young goaltender, so it will be interesting to see what the Canucks offer three games into next season.

Edmonton Oilers - The organization has done a great job of emphasizing speed and quickness when it comes to forwards and defensemen and pretty much anyone who's not in charge of letting the coach know if he still has a job.

Vancouver Canucks - Their playoff quest to "Go out there and accomplish something that nobody else can" turned out to be successful, assuming it was referring to winning a game against Jonathan Quick.

Ottawa Senators - Daniel Alfredsson has repeatedly assured Paul MacLean and Bryan Murray that he hasn't made his mind up about retirement, before politely asking if they could let go of his leg so he can finish his shift at the World Championships.

2012 World Championships preview

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Sat, 05 May 2012 12:11:00 +0000

The new "Canada has to play without sticks
to make it fair" rule got mixed reviews.

Hockey fans never seem quite sure how to feel about the World Championships. On the one hand, international hockey is always entertaining. On the other, it can be difficult to get too excited about a competition that takes place right as the NHL playoffs are kicking into high gear.

This year's tournament, which got underway yesterday, is being co-hosted by Finland and Sweden. And as always, most of the coverage has focused as much on the intrigue around which players would accept invitations to represent their countries. With the roster still in flux even after the tournament starts, it can be tough to separate the also-rans from the contenders.

Here's a closer look at the six countries favored to take home the medals.

Russia

Team outlook: While the roster does feature Evgeni Malkin and Pavel Dastyuk, experts agree that the lack of a third-line center could be a major issue for the 30 or 40 seconds a game that they'll need one.
Key player: Team officials can't figure out why Ilya Bryzgalov hasn't shown up yet, since based on a look at his stats from the first round the Flyers clearly lost in four straight.
Prediction: While the players acknowledge that being under a microscope is just part of playing for Russia internationally, they're still not sure why Barry Trotz keeps showing up at their hotel and asking the front desk if he can have a look at their key cards.

Sweden

Team outlook: As always, the players will focus on the three tenets of Swedish international hockey: a high-tempo offense, a team-wide commitment to defense, and skating by their goaltender every few seconds to yell "Hey, just making sure but you're not Tommy Salo, right?"
Key player: Pekka Rinne, since he was kind enough to make sure the entire Detroit Red Wings roster was available.
Prediction: Daniel Alfredsson finds himself hoping for a matchup against Canada in Stockholm, since it would be a nice change of pace to play a home game against a team wearing maple leafs without being booed.

Finland

Team outlook: As the defending champion, they'll no doubt be just fine unless their goalie decides to start posting about politics on Facebook.
Key player: Mikko Koivu will make an excellent captain for this sort of tournament, since as Minnesota Wild fans know he's great at inspiring a team to get all its wins out of the way in the first two weeks.
Prediction: Teemu Selanne gets an enthusiastic response when he steps onto the ice after carefully considering the team's invitation, before being informed by the security guard that the tournament has actually been over for four months.

Czech Republic

Team outlook: The team enters the tournament without having a single NHL-quality defenceman or goaltender on the roster. Or, as Ales Hemsky calls it, "business as usual".
Key player: Veteran Petr Nedved will play a key role for the Czechs, unless he winds up in a contract dispute with the Canucks in which case he'll somehow wind up representing Canada.
Prediction: As with most international tournaments, it will all come down to how effectively they can kill off all of their "Too many Jakubs on the ice" penalties.

USA

Team outlook: The team initially wanted to build a roster that included all of the nation's very best NHL players, but organizers informed them that they couldn't really ice a lineup consisting entirely of goalies.
Key player: The team expects big things from Paul Stastny, as long as he can avoid his two bad habits that have plagued him at recent tournaments: constantly making secret hand signals at his father and uncles, and repeatedly shooting the puck into his own net whenever Team USA faces the Slovaks.
Prediction: Team captain Jack Johnson struggles on offence when every slapshot he takes misses the net and shatters whichever out-of-town scoreboard is displaying that night's Los Angeles Kings game.

Canada

Team outlook: The blueline will rely heavily on Maple Leafs' defencemen like Luke Schenn and Dion Phaneuf, according to what starting goaltender Cam Ward seemed to be yelling hysterically while sprinting away from the first practice carrying his passport and suitcase.
Key player: John Tavares will be looking to have a big tournament, since as the New York Islanders' franchise player he knows he's only going to get 15 or 20 more shots at this.
Prediction: As a Canadian hockey fan, you'll wait until you know who's playing in the gold medal game before deciding whether this is one of those years you think this tournament is important or not.

A look at the nominees for the NHL's annual awards

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Tue, 01 May 2012 12:16:00 +0000

"No, seriously, I used to get nominated for
the Hart all the time. Why are you laughing?"

The NHL has spent the last week announcing the nominees for this year's various awards. The league revealed a new set of nominees every day, culminating with yesterday's announcements of the candidates for the Jack Adams.

The hardware will be handed out on June 20th in Las Vegas during a televised ceremony that you were planning to watch right up until you found out Nickelback was playing. So instead, let's just run through the nominees in the major categories now and be done with it.

Here's a look at the contenders for some of the league's most prestigious awards.

Norris Trophy (best defenceman)

Erik Karlsson - Many voters have already acknowledged casting their ballots for the Senators' talented young blueliner, citing his high point totals, his dynamic offensive game, and the presence of Matt Carkner cracking his knuckles while grunting "You make little Erik sad, big Matt make you sad".

Zdeno Chara - The Bruins' undisputed franchise player should be absolutely unstoppable in the voting, unless the ballots end up being counted by some unheralded rookie goalie.

Shea Weber - They say that a defenceman has had a great game when you don't even notice anything he did, so we can assume that Weber has Brendan Shanahan's vote.

Vezina Trophy (best goaltender)

Henrik Lundqvist - Stopped 1,630 shots directed at the New York net this season, which was so impressive it almost ranked him in the top ten among Ranger players.

Jonathan Quick - Has already set several important Los Angeles Kings franchise goaltending records, such as "most games played without wearing a ridiculous blue bandana under his mask".

Pekka Rinne - Has single-handedly proven the importance of an elite goaltender by spending the first two games of the Predators' second round series against Phoenix not being one.

Calder Trophy (best rookie)

Ryan Nugent-Hopkins - He would be the first Edmonton Oiler to win a major individual award in his lifetime, he says, before trailing off and asking why all the old people are suddenly staring at calendars and crying.

Gabriel Landeskog - While some fans are no doubt sick of hearing about his maturity, observers can't help but remark on how incredibly poised he is, and how he often seems like a man playing among boys, and how he's already won the Calder Trophy six times since 1998.

Adam Henrique - He's the first Devil to be nominated for the Calder since Scott Gomez in 2000, which isn't really important except that a lot of Habs fans read this and it's fun to ruin their entire day by randomly working in a Scott Gomez reference.

Jack Adams Award (best coach)

Ken Hitchcock - In keeping with the Blues' season, the league will let Davis Payne ramble through the first few seconds of the acceptance speech before Hitchcock shows up and does a way better job.

Paul Maclean - The notoriously unflappable MacLean should manage to keep his composure during the ceremony despite the awkward realization that every one of ushers in the theatre have served as head coach the Senators within the last few years.

John Tortorella - Everyone is hoping he'll win, since it would be fun to see an acceptance speech that consisted entirely of tersely muttering "no update" three times before asking "Are we done?" and storming off.

Hart Trophy (most valuable player)

Henrik Lundqvist - A win would make him the first goaltender to win the Hart Trophy since Jose Theodore in 2002, and the first goalie to deserve the Hart Trophy since Dominik Hasek in 1998.

Steven Stamkos - Is working hard to establish the NHL product in a non-traditional market that often receives so little mainstream attention that you can just credit pretty much every goal your team scores all year to the same player and nobody will notice.

Evgeni Malkin - Experts expect him to win easily and are looking forward to seeing him accept the trophy at the awards ceremony, since it will be the first time anyone has seen him since the end of the regular season.

What went wrong? Excuses from the NHL's losers

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Sat, 28 Apr 2012 12:28:00 +0000

"Wait... please tell me we didn't just
lose to that terrible guy from the Leafs..."

And then there were eight. With the conclusion of an eventful first round of the NHL playoffs, we’re now down to just eight teams still standing. Eight teams with a shot at the Stanley Cup. Eight teams who deserve a ton of credit for overcoming all obstacles to keep their championship hopes alive.

But forget those guys. Because if my math is right, eight teams left also means 22 teams that are done. That’s almost three-quarters of the league who managed to combine for a grand total of zero playoff series victories. What a bunch of losers.

What’s their excuse? Well, we asked them. And it turns out that every one of the teams that now finds itself on the sidelines has a reasonable explanation.

Vancouver Canucks – Were once again done in by Roberto Luongo’s complete inability to win the big one, since “win the big one” is our team nickname for scoring goals and “Roberto Luongo” is our team nickname for “the forwards and defencemen”.

Colorado Avalanche – In hindsight, when our head scout ran into the GM’s office yelling “You have to trade for this young Capitals’ goalie, he might be even better than Tim Thomas!” we probably should have taken the time to ask which one he meant.

Minnesota Wild – According to the know-it-all stats nerds, we didn’t do well enough in their advanced metrics like “Corsi” and “QualComp” and “wins” and “having good players”.

Calgary Flames - Jay Feaster has been trying to implement the same strategy he used to win a Stanley Cup with the Lightning in 2004, but it turns out that strategy is just “make sure you play against the Calgary Flames”.

New York Islanders – Long-time fans asked us to approach every big game like we were Hall-of-Famer Pat LaFontaine, so made sure we mysteriously vanished from existence.

Edmonton Oilers – After all these years, somebody just recently pointed out that if you turn to page two of the Central Scouting draft rankings there’s actually a whole bunch of guys listed who play defence or goal.

Buffalo Sabres – When we were doing our end-of-season cleaning and dusted off the big plaque reading “Give huge contracts to a whole bunch of players” in Terry Pegula’s office, we found out the word “good” is actually on there too.

Boston Bruins – Only lost game seven in overtime because their goaltender was interfered with and nobody did anything about it, which is just absolutely heart-breaking says Ryan Miller sarcastically.

Carolina Hurricanes – Players admit the spent pretty much the entire season playing as poorly as possible just to see if they could get Kirk Muller to stop smiling for the first time since 1986.

Anaheim Ducks – Every time the team would start to talk about making the playoffs, coach Bruce Boudreau would say “Sounds great, then when we lose everyone can ignore everything we did all season long and make fun of” before storming out of the room in tears.

Winnipeg Jets – After a careful post-season examination of our roster, were alarmed to discover that a disturbingly high number of our players are former Atlanta Thrashers.

Detroit Red Wings – Wanted to go out early to give Nicklas Lidstrom as much time as possible to consider his future, since we all know that “old guy ponders retirement” stories are endlessly fascinating.

Montreal Canadiens – As players, we couldn’t help but be distracted by our coach’s inability to engage with fans and local media in their native language and we…. No, just kidding, we’re actually just really bad at playing hockey.

Tampa Bay Lightning – Just couldn’t capitalize on big seasons by our 60-goal scorer, Steven Stamkos, and our 50-goal scorer, the combined rest of the team who isn’t Steven Stamkos.

Columbus Blue Jackets – We’re not saying Jeff Carter spent the whole season trying to get out of town, but it did seem odd that every time the coach told him to dump and chase he’d immediately dump the puck all the way to Los Angeles.

Toronto Maple Leafs - Didn’t want to squeak into the playoffs as an eighth seed and get our butts kicked, since as it turns out we’re already pretty darn awesome at doing that during the regular season.

Pittsburgh Penguins – Not saying that the league’s discipline hearings are sham, but no matter how persuasively we made our arguments Brendan Shanahan always refused to indefinitely suspend Marc-Andre Fleury.

Florida Panthers – For some weird reason, didn’t find being pelted by rats whenever we did something right all that inspirational.

San Jose Sharks – We may have been officially eliminated from the playoffs but let’s just say we still plan to be heavily involved, says Ryan Clowe cryptically while holding an extra-long hockey stick and a front row ticket to the finals.

Dallas Stars – The organization was forced to adjust to new owner Tom Gaglardi’s bizarre new corporate policies like “only spend money that we actually have”.

Ottawa Senators – We only lost our playoff series with the Rangers because of a controversial game six penalty for crowding the crease, as if anyone could be expected to get that close to Henrik Lundqvist’s eyes and then just skate away.

Chicago Blackhawks – We were going to try to go on another long playoff run but honestly, if you know you won’t eventually get the chance to make Canuck fans cry then what’s the point?

Behind the scenes at the Raffi Torres suspension hearing

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 12:22:00 +0000

The first round of the NHL playoffs are drawing to a close. But despite several stunning upsets and breathtaking individual performances, it seems like all anyone in the hockey world wants to talk about is Raffi Torres.

Torres, of course, received a 25-game suspension from chief disciplinarian Brendan Shanahan for his devastating open-ice check on Chicago Blackhawks' star Marian Hossa. That sentence ranks among the most severe ever announced by the NHL, and was significantly higher than what most observers had been predicting.

While most NHL suspensions are handed down following a brief conference call between the league and the player involved, Torres's fate was decided at a lengthy in-person hearing due to the severity of the incident and the expected punishment. These sort of hearings are rare, and it goes without saying that what happens during one is highly confidential.

At least, it's supposed to be. But thanks to some well-placed moles at NHL headquarters, I was able to obtain a detailed transcript of the day's events. Here's a timeline of how the hearing unfolded.

Friday, April 20, 10:00 a.m. - The discipline hearing officially begins.

10:01 a.m. - As always, Raffi Torres arrives just a little bit late.

10:23 a.m. - NHLPA head Donald Fehr peppers Brendan Shanahan with questions like "What precedents have been set in similar cases?" and "What is the appeals process?" and "Wait, I've been the head of the NHLPA for almost two years, why didn't anyone tell me?"

10:34 a.m. - Every time representatives of the Chicago Blackhawks begin to complain about how unfair it is to lose a superstar player to injury on a blatantly dirty hit, Daniel Sedin pokes his head in the door and say "Tell me about it".

10:41 a.m. - Brendan Shanahan begins a presentation showing other body checks Raffi Torres has thrown over the course of his career that also targeted the opponent's head.

11:53 a.m. - After the third intermission, everyone agrees that it might actually be quicker to just show a presentation of all of the body checks Raffi Torres has thrown over the course of his career that did not target the opponent's head.

12:05 p.m. - After collecting everyone's lunch orders for the local delivery place, referee Stephen Walkom spends the rest of the afternoon staring right at the telephone but being unable to make the call.

12:37 p.m. - When it's time for the part of the hearing where the offending team's ownership gets to present its case to the NHL front office, everyone feels slightly uncomfortable when Gary Bettman insists on acting out both parts of the debate using sock puppets with high-pitched accents.

1:03 p.m. - The hearing is briefly interrupted when Metta World Peace wanders in to ask Torres if he can reschedule his weekly "flagrant elbow to the head" lessons.

1:17 p.m. - To ease the tension, everyone has good laugh about how much the window-washer working on the outside of the building looks like Shea Weber, since he's tall and he has a beard and his "squeegee" is Henrik Zetterberg's face.

1:35 p.m. - A distracted Torres keeps losing his train of thought in mid-sentence whenever the league-appointed robotics engineer who built last season's Matt Cooke Docile-bot 3000 shows up and starts checking all his limbs with a tape measure.

1:56 p.m. - A tearful Marian Hossa describes the impact that his injuries have had on his life during an emotional moment that's later ruined when everyone realizes it was actually just Kevin Bieksa impersonating him.

2:02 p.m. - Torres and the Coyotes seem disappointed when they're informed that any appeals of player discipline decisions will be heard by the league's official arbitrator, a cardboard cut-out of Gary Bettman laughing and holding a sign that says "Appeal Denied".

2:16 p.m. - After being informed that he can expect a suspension that carries well into next year, a devastated Torres mumbles that he'll just have to work hard next season to get the Phoenix fans back on his side, causing everyone in the room to just stare at him before awkwardly mumbling "Um, yeah, Phoenix…"

A brief history of playoff violence

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Sat, 21 Apr 2012 12:06:00 +0000

"I sure hope Tucker was suspended for
that high hit!" said Brad Marchand.

The first round of the 2012 playoffs has been marked by wild brawls, questionable hits and an unprecedented string of suspensions. From Raffi Torres to Matt Carkner to Shea Weber to virtually the entire Penguins roster, it seems like each night of action brings another embarrassing incident to keep the referees and Brendan Shanahan busy.

But despite what some recent coverage might lead you to believe, playoff violence is hardly a new phenomenon in the NHL. In fact, the league has a long history of regrettable incidents in the postseason, many of which would put this year's displays to shame.

Let's take a look back through the history books at some of the other black eyes, literal and figurative, that the NHL playoffs have provided over the years.

May 16, 1987 - Montreal and Philadelphia engage in a wild pre-game brawl that all starts over the sight of opposing players shooting a puck into an open net, which come to think of it may also explain all the bad blood in this year's Flyers/Penguins series.

April 26, 2002 - New York Islanders star Michael Peca suffers significant ligament damage after being hit in the knee by Darcy Tucker. A defiant Tucker will later strenuously deny that the hit was low, while awkwardly refusing to answer reporters' questions about the shovel and mining helmet he's holding behind his back.

June 6, 2011 - Aaron Rome knocks Nathan Horton out of the Stanley Cup Finals with a late hit that the media at the time refers to as "vicious" and "an unprecedented act of horrific violence", and which the league head office now refers to as "the good old days".

May 22, 1997 - The Red Wings and Avalanche engage in a series of fights that only end when everyone gets sick of Detroit's Brendan Shanahan constantly skating around and telling everyone that they owe him $2,500.

May 3, 2001 - Tie Domi is suspended for the remainder of the playoffs after delivering a blindside elbow to Scott Niedermayer's head. A tearful Domi later pleads with his fellow players to never repeat his mistake, and instead suggests they just wait until Niedermayer isn't looking and then take a slapshot at his groin like a gentleman would.

April 28, 1993 - Dale Hunter's late hit from behind sidelines Pierre Turgeon and initially earns him a lifetime ban, although the league eventually agrees to reduce it to 21 games if he promises to also accept whatever terrible coaching job they want to stick him with over the next few decades.

June 19, 2006 - As the final seconds tick down on game seven of the 2006 Stanley Cup Finals, the Edmonton Oilers do something really terrible that earns the franchise a lifetime ban from the NHL playoffs, apparently.

Apr 12, 1991 - The St. Louis Blues and Detroit Red Wings combine for 298 penalty minutes, 18 fighting majors and multiple ejections, in what historians will later refer to as "pretty much the most easy-going Norris division game of all-time".

April 24, 1996 - Mario Lemieux is ejected from a game against the Capitals after slashing, cross-checking and repeatedly punching Todd Krygier, according to the videotape that's been thrown through Ed Snider's front window every day this week with a note reading "You're next, Flyer boy".

May 27, 1993 - In an unprovoked attack that horrifies onlookers and leaves the victim virtually unrecognizable, Kerry Fraser brutally assaults your childhood belief in the concepts of fairness and justice.

1995 - 2003 - Scott Stevens delivers a series of increasingly flagrant playoff headshots that make him easily the dirtiest and most dangerous player in the entire league, according to that frantic time traveller from the year 2012 that we all decide to just ignore.

Brendan Shanahan's latest suspension video seems different somehow

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 18:55:00 +0000

Hockey fans know the drill by now. Some NHL player does something terrible, chief disciplinarian Brendan Shanahan reviews the footage, and then he releases a video explaining his decision. And with the number of flagrant infractions over the first few weeks of the playoffs, you'd be forgiven if all the recent suspension videos are just starting to blend together.

But the most recent video just seems... different, somehow. I hate to second-guess Shanahan, but I can't help but think that the stress may be getting to the poor guy.

For more Bloge Salming and other great hockey content, visit our friends at Backhand Shelf.

Inside Gary Bettman's playoff pool draft

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Tue, 17 Apr 2012 12:33:00 +0000

"What do you mean we need extra
chairs for your 18 assistants?"

Scene: Last Wednesday, hours before the start of the first playoff games. Gary Bettman and Brendan Shanahan are in a boardroom at the NHL head office, preparing for the league's annual office playoff pool draft.

They're joined by the GMs of several teams whose teams didn't make the postseason. Deputy commissioner Bill Daly is finishing up an explanation of the pool's rules.

Daly: And finally, you need to pick at least one goaltender. Or, if they've already all been taken, Marc-Andre Fleury.

Bettman: OK, time to pick the draft order. Bill, will you do the honors?

Daly shuffles through a baseball cap full of scraps of paper and pulls one out.

Daly: And the first draft pick goes to… the Edmonton Oilers!

Everyone stares at him.

Daly: Sorry, force of habit. The first pick goes to Gary Bettman.

Bettman: Oh goody! Let's see, who should I pick. There are ever so many choices, I have no idea who I'm going to…

He looks up and realizes that everyone has already crossed Sidney Crosby off their draft sheets.

Bettman (sheepishly): I pick Crosby.

Daly: You're up next, Shanny.

Shanahan: I take Shea Weber.

Bettman: That's a great pick. You know, as long as he doesn't miss any games.

Shanahan: Oh, let's just say I'm pretty sure he won't.

Awkward silence.

Shanahan: It's ironic foreshadowing.

Daly: The next pick goes to Brian Burke.

Burke is sitting with his tie loosened around his neck. He looks down at his cheat sheet, which is prominently labeled "NHL players not born in Ontario".

Burke: OK. My strategy going into this draft is to build from the goal out, while focusing on big, physical players who throw body checks and fight. So my pick is Marion Gaborik.

Daly: Um, you just did the exact opposite of what you told everyone your strategy was.

Burke: Do you have a point?

Daly: Never mind. The next pick goes to Jay Feaster. Jay, please restore some sanity.

Feaster: I take Jarome Iginla.

Daly: Sigh…

Bettman: Jay, just a reminder, this is a playoff pool. You're going to want to take players from teams that are in the playoffs.

Feaster: We feel confident that the Flames will be there.

Bettman: That's completely impossible and everyone knows it.

Feaster (enthusiastically): We're going for it!

Bettman: You're delusional.

Feaster: Agree to disagree.

Bettman: Sigh… Bill, who has the next pick?

Daly: The next pick belongs to the Montreal Canadiens. Since they don't have a general manager, they sent the two current leading candidates for the job.

Bettman: Uh oh. You don't mean…

Ron Hextall: I'm here!

Patrick Roy: Me too!

Bettman: Right. I don't suppose there's any particular reason why you two are each wearing full equipment and sitting at opposite ends of the room?

Hextall: Oh, you'll see.

Bettman: Fine. Go ahead and make your pick.

Roy: I think we're going with a forward.

Hextall: Actually, I'd prefer a defenceman.

Roy: It's on.

Roy immediately discards his glove and blocker while racing to the center of the room, where he's met by Hextall. They enthusiastically trade punches.

Burke (now with his tie completely undone): Hey, I don't suppose either of you can play center?

Daly: The last pick of the round goes to Steve Yzerman of the Lightning.

Yzerman: OK, Bill, give me a few minutes. I want to get this choice right. After all, if you get your first major decision wrong you might accidentally set a precedent that ruins the rest of the playoffs.

Everyone turns and stares at Brendan Shanahan.

Shanahan: What?

(Fast-forward ahead several hours. An exhausted Daly is trying to get the draft wrapped up.)

Daly: OK, to summarize: Gary Bettman has drafted Sidney Crosby in every round because he doesn't know the names of any other players. Jay Feaster's team consists of Jarome Iginla, Olli Jokinen, Lanny MacDonald and the 1975 Washington Capitals. And Rox Hextall and Patrick Roy are currently out in the hallway fighting with samurai swords.

Roy: There can be only one!

Daly: Burkie, you're up. This is your last pick of the draft, and you still need a goaltender.

Burke (now wearing his tie around his head, Rambo-style): We'll take Patrick Kane.

Daly (exasperated): OK, see, Brian, he's not a goaltender.

Burke: We'll be fine.

Daly: You cannot win unless you have a goalie.

Burke: I am unfamiliar with this policy.

Daly: Look everyone, the rules are the rules. We can't just ignore them when it's convenient. Right guys?

Bettman and Shanahan just stare at him in confusion.

Daly: OK, fine. Let's just wrap it up. We've been at this so long that I think the playoff games have already started.

Shanahan: Hold on… (He checks his cell phone): Nope, no incoming messages about flagrant acts of horrific violence. The playoffs haven't started yet.

Shanahan's phone begins to smoke, then suddenly explodes.

Shanahan: And... the playoffs are here! Happy postseason everyone!

Round one Western Conference playoff preview

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Wed, 11 Apr 2012 11:24:00 +0000

Eventually, a disappointed Luongo realized
the other players were too busy with the
game to join his rendition of "YMCA".

The playoffs begin tonight, which means it's time to wrap up our mandatory first round predictions. We covered the Eastern Conference yesterday, so today we'll take a look at the Western Conference matchups.

#1 Vancouver Canucks vs. #8 Los Angeles Kings

The matchup: The series will feature two forwards who are completely inseparable and spend virtually every waking moment of their lives together, and in addition to Mike Richards and Jeff Carter the Canucks probably have some good players too.
The view from Vancouver: The Canucks must find an answer for the Kings' best defensive player, goaltender Jonathan Quick, and their best offensive player, a frustrated Jonathan Quick taking slapshots from the point while yelling "Seriously, the rest of you don't even want to maybe give this a try?"
The view from Los Angeles: Kings players can't help but wonder if team meetings would be more effective if coach Darryl Sutter didn't continually interrupt to ask if anyone knows who the Flames are playing in the first round, then laugh hysterically for twenty minutes.
Player to watch: Cory Schneider, to see if he's taking his ball cap off, assuming you're Roberto Luongo and just gave up a goal.
Prediction: The Canucks win, celebrate their victory together as a team, then pause and ask each other whether anyone else just heard the faint sound of "Chelsea Dagger" coming from round two.

#2 St. Louis Blues vs. #7 San Jose Sharks

The matchup: This matchup will feature a battle between arguably the two best goaltenders in the entire league, right up until the Blues practice ends and the Sharks come out on the ice.
The view from St. Louis: Coach Ken Hitchcock's system is often incorrectly described as "defense-first", since that implies that something other than defence might be second or third.
The view from San Jose: Hey, plucky underdogs upset heavily favored top seeds in the first few rounds all the time, mumble Sharks fans bitterly.
Player to watch: David Backes will be tasked with shutting down Joe Thornton, which he plans to do by following him around while occasionally pointing at a calendar that reads "April".
Prediction: After they wrap up the series and advance to the second round, you grudgingly admit that maybe it's time to learn the names of a few of the St. Louis Blues' non-goalies.

#3 Phoenix Coyotes vs. #6 Chicago Blackhawks

The matchup: The Coyotes worked hard all year to win their division and get a high seed where they could face an underdog team rather some recent Stanley Cup champion and oh for the love of… are you kidding me?
The view from Phoenix: The team is having trouble figuring out how to color in the center ice and goal lines in time for game one, since the city of Glendale is using up all the red ink.
The view from Chicago: Captain Jonathan Toews has yet to be able to pass the league-mandated concussion test, which isn't surprising considering the test consists entirely of the phrase "Demonstrate the capacity for human emotion".
Player to watch: Shane Doan, as usual, if you're a scout for the Canadian entry in the world championships.
Prediction: Phoenix Coyotes fans will never see another first round matchup like this one.

#4 Nashville Predators vs. #5 Detroit Red Wings

The matchup: The upstart Predators face the veteran Red Wings in a matchup that is so close on paper that we all agree to try to look surprised when Detroit wins.
The view from Nashville: The Predators surrendered a first round draft pick at the trade deadline to land an impact player, and the team is convinced the move will pay off just as soon as this Paul Gaustad guy stops joking around and tells them who they really got.
The view from Detroit: The Red Wings will make it a priority to end the series early, partly to conserve energy and avoid fatigue but mostly to prevent Shea Weber's playoff beard from achieving self-awareness.
Player to watch: Niklas Kronwall, since if he tries to deliver his patented leaping charge on Hal Gill it could be our first chance to ever see him deliver a shoulder-to-shoulder check.
Prediction: Predators defenceman Ryan Suter plays well but is accused of seeming overanxious after he goes through the post-series handshake line wearing a Red Wings jersey.

Round one Eastern Conference playoff preview

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 12:27:00 +0000

"Um, should I keep going?" asked the anthem singer.

It's playoff time, which means it's time for everyone to who writes about hockey to prepare their predictions for the eight opening series. Don't fight it, it's the law.

Today we'll take a look at the Eastern Conference matchups, with the Western Conference following tomorrow. Remember, as per the official rules of playoff predictions, we all agree to never speak of these again once the first round is over.

#1 New York Rangers vs. #8 Ottawa Senators

The matchup: In a nice change of pace, the Senators have decided it might be fun to suffer a crushing playoff defeat to a different original six team.
The view from New York: Henrik Lundqvist says his injured forearm has healed enough for him to play, he supposes, since every time the team doctor shows him an "x-ray" it's actually just a picture of Martin Biron inside a circle with a line through it.
The view from Ottawa: The Senators have to be considered spoilers, assuming we're talking about all the great Senators vs. Bruins jokes I had written for this preview a week ago.
Player to watch: Erik Karlsson will try to continue racking up the points with his impressive offensive instincts despite being a squishy wet stain on the end boards after Brian Boyle's first shift.
Prediction: Two straight weeks of facing John Tortorella in the playoffs has Senator fans longing for the calm, even-tempered days of Pat Quinn.

#2 Boston Bruins vs. #7 Washington Capitals

The matchup: This series will feature a Bruins team that keeps talking about being the defending champions and pointing up at a banner that mentions some sort of weird trophy we've never seen before, according to confused Capitals players.
The view from Boston: Milan Lucic has been running at starting goaltenders all season long, and was deeply disappointed to find out that the Capitals currently don't have one.
The view from Washington: After breaking down videotape of the Bruins' seemingly endless parade of cheap shots and flagrant attempts to injure opponents, Dale Hunter has asked whether there's any chance he could be allowed to coach them instead.
Player to watch: Alexander Ovechkin will try to use his speed to stay out of the reach of Zdeno Chara, which gives him about eight square feet of ice surface to work with.
Prediction: The series sets a ratings record with viewership in the tens of millions, assuming everyone who makes a "Tim Thomas at the White House" joke over the next few days decides to tunes in.

#3 Florida Panthers vs. #6 New Jersey Devils

The matchup: In an unfortunate break for Panther fans, they get a matchup with a team full of guys who live in New Jersey and won't find it distracting to be surrounded by rats.
The view from Florida: The Panthers will plan to continue to exploit the secret to their stunning regular season success, just as soon as they figure out how to get a bonus point for losing overtime games in the playoffs
The view from New Jersey: Devils coach Peter DeBoer will be facing the team that fired him after last season, he says, and everyone who hasn't paid attention to the Panthers in years agrees to just take his word for it.
Player to watch: Panthers goaltender Jose Theodore had an excellent year after signing a cheap free agent deal in the offseason, according to the conversation your Maple Leaf fan friend is currently having with an empty bottle of scotch.
Prediction: You make this your "upset special" in the office pool, and so does everyone else in the office.

#4 Pittsburgh Penguins vs. #5 Philadelphia Flyers

The matchup: There may be some bad blood between the teams right now but that won't be the case by the end of the series, experts say, since by then most of that blood will be all over the ice, boards and ceiling.
The view from Pittsburgh: Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin have developed a well-deserved reputation for being whiny, since they're always saying things like "my arms hurt from celebrating goals on every second shift".
The view from Philadelphia: Assistant coach Craig Berube recently criticized the Penguins for being dirty players, according to the guy standing near the smoldering remains of the Irony-Meter.
Player to watch: Ilya Bryzgalov had a reputation for poor playoff performances in Phoenix but Flyers officials say they're confident he'll find it much easier to succeed now that he's under less pressure in Philadelphia, before pausing and admitting that that sounded a lot better in their heads.
Prediction: After watching several games of this violent rivalry, Matt Cooke can no longer contain the urge to gnaw through the ropes, escape the padded room Mario Lemieux had him locked in, tackle the semi-lifelike android that took his spot in the lineup in training camp, hurdle onto the ice and start elbowing craniums.

Canucks or Senators: Who should be Canada's Team?

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Sat, 07 Apr 2012 12:04:00 +0000

The NHL season wraps up tonight, but we already know the 16 teams that will be advancing to the playoffs. That’s bad news for Canada, because the Vancouver Canucks and the Ottawa Senators will be the only two teams from north of the border taking part in this year’s post-season.

And you know what that means. Yes, it’s time for the annual blitz of stories about who gets to be “Canada’s Team”, the one NHL team that will carry the flag into battle and represent the hopes and dreams of a nation that hasn’t seen one of its teams capture a Stanley Cup since 1993. Diehard fans of the Canadiens, Maple Leafs and the country’s other teams will abandon their squads en masse to unite behind one remaining contender.

Has any actual hockey fan ever switched allegiances at this time of year? No, of course not. But with four days off between the end of the season and the start of the playoffs, we need something to fill air time and newspaper space.

So if you find yourself being chased down by a media member holding a microphone and frantically demanding to know which “Canada’s team” bandwagon you’ll be jumping on, you should at least be prepared to make an informed decision. Here are some of the points in favor of each of the two candidates.

Canucks – The entire roster shares a team-wide commitment to finding ways to lift the spirits of society’s least fortunate, we assume, since it would explain this week’s loss to the Calgary Flames.

Senators – Jason Spezza would probably really enjoy having the whole country cheering him on, and if we make him happy then maybe we can get him to do that creepy giggling thing again.

Canucks – If you decide to become a fan you can get up to speed on team history really quickly, without getting bogged down trying to memorize a bunch of Stanley Cup winners or Hall of Famers.

Senators – They’ve earned a reputation as a team that’s capable of doing the impossible during the postseason, in the sense that they have a history of losing to the Maple Leafs.

Canucks – Roberto Luongo enters the playoffs knowing that Vancouver fans are firmly behind him, apparently, since they immediately respond with a standing ovation every time he gets told to go sit on the bench for a rest.

Senators - The longer the Senators’ post-season run lasts, the better Erik Karlsson’s attempt at a playoff beard will make you feel about your high school yearbook photos.

Canucks - If you decide to cheer for Vancouver you’ll be joining a fan base that’s known as one of the most jovial and thick-skinned in the entire league, according to the Canuck fans who are currently holding my family hostage in case I make any diving jokes.

Senators – If you cheer against Ottawa then starting goaltender Craig Anderson may give you the finger, literally, if he’s recently been trying to make dinner.

Canucks – Vancouver’s home arena was the site of the memorable gold medal game at the 2010 Winter Olympics, which seems appropriate since that was the last time that everyone in Canada actually was cheering for the same team.

Senators – While it’s always possible that fans could riot after a tough playoff loss, it’s worth pointing out that in Ottawa a “riot” is when everyone decides to put their paper recycling at the end of the driveway even though they know it’s actually plastic recycling day.

Canucks – Let’s just say injured star Daniel Sedin has an excellent chance of passing his in-person concussion test with team doctors just in time to return for the playoffs, says his twin brother Henrik while drumming his fingers innocently.

Senators – If you enjoyed watching last year’s Canucks team make an emotional two-month run to the cusp of Stanley Cup glory, why not recreate that feeling this year by once again cheering on a team that will end up getting humiliated by the Bruins?

The Montreal Canadiens' application form for the vacant GM job

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 12:24:00 +0000

Please please please please

The Montreal Canadiens have started the process of finding a replacement for fired general manager Pierre Gauthier. Plenty of candidates have already been rumored as favorites, but the team has promised that they'll consider anyone.

Apparently they're not kidding. A source in Montreal has informed me that anyone can apply for the job by filling out a simple application form. I've received a copy of the form and reproduced it below, just in case any readers are interested in throwing their hat into the ring.

***

Thank you for your interest in applying for the vacant position of General Manager of the Montreal Canadiens. Please note that this application form is available in both French and English.

Why do you want to be the next general manager of the Montreal Canadiens?
( ) In current front office job, am getting tired of constantly being called an idiot by the media in only one language.
( ) Have a rare form of amnesia where I constantly forget how many Stanley Cups my team has won; would like work someplace where I'll be reminded every few minutes.
( ) Have reviewed the current roster and prospect pool, and enjoy the idea of having the next four or five springs off.
( ) Without revealing my current job, let's just say I get a little tired of being stuck in between two coaches pretending to want to fight each other.

Ideally, the successful candidate would be bilingual. Do you speak French?
( ) I speak fluent French.
( ) I speak high-school level French.
( ) I speak Randy Cunneyworth-level French.
( ) I didn't think I knew how to swear in French, but then I read the details of Scott Gomez's contract and found out I was wrong.

Montreal is known for a passionate fan base. What are your impressions of Canadiens fans?
( ) I admire their passion, although I'm still not sure why three of them are standing a few feet away while I fill this out and booing me.
( ) I recently worked for a southern-based US team and have never dealt with anything like what you have in Montreal, by which I mean hockey fans.
( ) Have to admit that it's nice to see some Canadian fans who know how to riot after a playoff game without immediately tagging themselves in photos of it on Facebook.
( ) I have completely forgiven them for forcing my trade to Colorado by booing me during a blowout loss and am certainly not applying for this job as part of some devious long-running revenge plot, so let's just change the subject.

It's important to learn from past mistakes. What would you do differently than previous Montreal GMs?
( ) Respond to every crisis by reflexively trading for players who can speak French, instead of responding to every crisis by reflexively trading for players whose names just make it seem like they can speak French.
( ) When trading for struggling veterans on a long-term deal, do not simply look at their recent stats and then assume that extra zero at the end of their cap hit must be a typo.
( ) No more firing coaches minutes before a game begins; have a big hook come down from the rafters and pluck them off the bench in the middle of a period instead.
( ) Maybe hire some scouts or something.

A successful GM can impart a sense of optimism to fans. Please highlight something positive about the current roster.
( ) The team is practically unbeatable when Andrei Markov is healthy, so that's like having a four point head start every year.
( ) Carey Price has firmly established himself as one of the NHL's elite goalies, so we should be able to trade him for some spare parts any time now.
( ) Most of the roster is young and in good health, so it's possible that a few of them will still be playing when Josh Gorges' contract finally expires.
( ) Montreal has the only fans in the league that don't have to wake up each morning and immediately think "Man, I really hope my team doesn't go out and acquire Tomas Kaberle today".

Finally, if you are the chosen candidate, when would you be available to start work?
( ) Am available immediately.
( ) Am available starting next Monday
( ) Would need to give two weeks' notice at my current job.
( ) Will probably not be available until the end of next season, although the way things are going around here maybe check back with me in November.

Wait. Burkie? Is that you?
( ) Um… how do you hang up on an application form?

This concludes the application. If you chose to fill out the French version, please place it in a sealed envelope and submit it to our human resources department. If you filled out the English version, please save us all time by placing it directly into your recycling bin.

Other ways NHL teams are going green for Earth Hour

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Sat, 31 Mar 2012 12:14:00 +0000

Coincidentally, this is also the Leafs'
defensive zone breakout strategy.

Tonight, people all around the world are being encouraged to dim their lights between 8:30 and 9:30 p.m. in recognition of Earth Hour. The international event is meant to raise awareness of environmental issues and climate change.

Many businesses are throwing their support behind the movement, and the NHL has joined them. The league has announced an Earth Hour campaign of their own, with all teams hosting games tonight being asked to scale back energy usage in their arena.

But apparently that's just the beginning. The league has left the door open for teams to find additional ways to promote environmentalism, and according to sources, several teams have decided to do just that.

Here are some of the ways that NHL teams will be going green.

Columbus Blue Jackets - Will ask Rick Nash if he can take a one-hour break from sitting with his face three inches from a computer monitor while frantically hitting refresh on the Google News page for "Rick Nash trade rumors".

Phoenix Coyotes - Have asked the fleet of moving vans that have been circling their arena constantly for four years to pull over and just idle on the side of the road for an hour instead.

Los Angeles Kings - Have instructed all of our offensive players to conserve electricity by making sure our side of the scoreboard never changes and ... Wait, did you say Earth "hour"? Oh man, we could have sworn you said "season".

Ottawa Senators - Have told the guy who works the goal horn to reduce his output by 50% when the Senators score, since they figure 400 blasts will still be enough to get the point home.

Toronto Maple Leafs - Nobody's sure, but knowing Brian Burke they probably had to have their own special Earth Hour a week before everyone else in the league.

Edmonton Oilers - Already did our part in pre-season by unplugging the big flashing sign that reads "Don't let your young franchise player play most of the season with an injured shoulder before letting him have surgery", although come to think of it maybe we should plug that one back in.

Nashville Predators - Will temporarily reduce power to the complex system of electric razors and swinging axe blades that are employed around the clock to keep Shea Weber's beard from overwhelming all nearby life-forms.

New York Islanders - Ownership has announced plans to replace all of the old burnt-out light bulbs at the Coliseum with environmentally friendly burnt-out LED bulbs.

Calgary Flames - Have encouraged their fans to unplug all of their appliances, such as televisions, for one hour. And then, if they want to leave the TVs unplugged for the rest of the season, that would be completely fine too.

St. Louis Blues - Will leave the red light bulb behind Brian Elliot turned off for 60 straight minutes. So, no difference.

Chicago Blackhawks - Have apparently already asked the team's best players to reduce energy consumption in the city by driving their cars into any lighting fixtures they see.

Detroit Red Wings - We could probably save a lot of energy by unplugging that mysterious machine we keep Nicklas Lidstrom hooked up to at all times because what's the worst that could… oh god why is he limping, quick, plug him back in!

Winnipeg Jets - Will switch to more environmentally friendly bulbs on the giant neon signs reading "I have quit on this season and just want to go home" that every player has been carrying around for the last three weeks.

Boston Bruins - Have encouraged their players to spend the entire day engaging in comprehensive group discussions about the significant dangers of man-made climate change, mainly because they want to see how long it takes before Tim Thomas snaps.

Montreal Canadiens - Have apparently disabled the electric locks on the front door of the head office, mumbles Pierre Gauthier, as he wonders why his security pass doesn't seem to work on his first day back from vacation.

A brief rant on the state of the Brian Burke era

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 18:55:00 +0000

There's been an ongoing conversation on Twitter today about the state of Brian Burke's Maple Leafs. I tried to post a short series of tweets on the topic, but Twitter decided that it wouldn't post them all for some reason. So I'm reposting them here. Back to the usual content tomorrow morning.

(begin rant)

If I could build a time machine and go back to interrupt Brian Burke's introductory press conference bearing news from the future and explained that in almost four years, the Leafs would have:

a.) No playoff appearances;
b.) Four bottom-ten years;
c.) Two bottom-five years;
d.) A 2012 team that was cap-maxed AND worse than JFJ's rock bottom in terms of points;
e.) an above-average farm system (maybe) with no elite prospects...

No Leaf fan would have called that acceptable. Not one. Twist it however you want, but you would have called that a disaster. And you'd be right.

(Drops mic. Stares at confused audience. Sighs heavily, and goes back to making "Roberto Luongo is a choker" jokes.)

The NHL's version of the "Because It's The Cup" ad for the Toronto Maple Leafs

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 16:38:00 +0000

Have you seen the NHL's new ad campaign? Building off last year's popular series of "History Will Be Made" ads, the league has introduced this year's version: "Because it's the Cup".

They're doing one for each team. Here's the Red Wings version:

Pretty cool. You can see more about the campaign here.

But there's one problem: Since the whole ad is about the playoffs, the league will end up excluding teams like the Toronto.

Or so I thought. It turns out the league is way ahead of me, and has already done a Maple Leafs version.

And I have to be honest... I'm not sure I like it:

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A hockey fan's guide to Wrestlemania

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 12:12:00 +0000

This is the happiest anyone has ever
looked while wearing an Oilers jersey.

This Sunday is one of the biggest days on sports calendar, assuming you're willing to be generous with your definition of "sports". That's because it's time for another installment of Wrestlemania, the annual pay-per-view event that features the very best that the fine folks at World Wrestling Entertainment have to offer.

OK, Wrestlemania may not for everyone. But even if you're not a fan of professional wrestling, the overwhelming hype for each year's production can be hard to avoid. So if you're a hockey fan who's wondering what all the fuss is about, here's a quick guide to get you up to speed on the similarities and differences between Wrestlemania and the NHL.

Wrestlemania: If you see somebody wearing a sparkly silver jacket that spells out their name in bright flashing lights, you'll know that Chris Jericho has arrived for his match.
NHL: If you see somebody wearing a sparkly silver jacket that spells out their name in bright flashing lights, you'll know that Don Cherry has decided to wear something conservative that night.

Wrestlemania: If the crowd yells "What?" every time a person tries to speak, it's because they are using a traditional wrestling chant to attempt to interfere with the villain's train of thought.
NHL: If the crowd yells "What?" every time a person tries to speak, it's because the referee is announcing the results of the instant replay review using one of those microphones the league bought at Radio Shack in 1983.

Wrestlemania: The fans know that the fights are planned out well in advance, although everyone involved makes an effort to pretend that they're spontaneous and real.
NHL: John Tortorella and Peter DeBoer have no idea why everyone is staring at them right now.

Wrestlemania: The athletes can often be heard using catchphrases such as "Do you smell what The Rock is cooking" and "I am the Ayatollah of Rock-and-rollah".
NHL: The athletes can often be heard using catchphrases such as "We just have to take it one game at a time" and "Like I said, we just have to take it one game at a time".

Wrestlemania: Fans will occasionally scream in frustration when an obvious infraction goes unpunished despite it happening right in front of a referee.
NHL: Don’t be silly. That won't happen until the playoffs start in two weeks.

Wrestlemania: The three hours that you have to sit through before you get to the main event is known as "the undercard".
NHL: The three hours that you have to sit through before you get to the main event is known as "the national anthem at an Ottawa Senators game".

Wrestlemania: "19-0" is a reference to the Undertaker's record in Wrestlemania matches over the course of his career.
NHL: "19-0" is a reference to Milan Lucic's record in fights against Mike Komisarek.

Wrestlemania: The head of the organization is the villainous Vince McMahon, and his mere appearance or a mention of his name will often cause the crowd to erupt with boos, threats and personal insults.
NHL: Gary Bettman has asked Vince McMahon for tips on how he got so popular.

Wrestlemania: "You Can't See Me" is main event star John Cena's patented catchphrase.
NHL: "You Can't See Me" is the legal disclaimer printed on all Montreal Canadiens playoff tickets.

Wrestlemania: Zack Ryder, who proudly bills himself as being from Long Island, will be making an appearance in the ring.
NHL: Nobody from Long Island has managed to get anywhere close to a ring in decades.

Wrestlemania: "Go To Sleep" is the name of the finishing move of the reigning WWE Champion, CM Punk.
NHL: "Go To Sleep" was the league's official marketing slogan for the decade after the New Jersey Devils won their first Stanley Cup in 1995.

Wrestlemania: If you suddenly see flames everywhere, you'll know that wrestler Kane is about to make his entrance.
NHL: If you suddenly see Flames everywhere, you'll know that you fell asleep for a few weeks and woke up during the World Championships.

Wrestlemania: John Laurinaitis plays the role of the obnoxious general manager who constantly belittles everyone around him in an attempt to keep his job.
NHL: Gosh, no idea what that would be like, mutters the Toronto media.

Wrestlemania: If you see someone dramatically remove their elbow pad and toss it into the crowd, you are about to witness The Rock perform a move known as "The People's Elbow".
NHL: If you see someone dramatically remove their elbow pad and toss it into the crowd, you should tell Duncan Keith that he might want to try being a little more subtle next time.

Who will win the Masterton Trophy?

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 12:21:00 +0000

Clearly, the puck had launched itself into the
stands in an attempt to draw a penalty.

The Masterton Trophy is unique among the NHL's annual awards. For one thing, it's given to the player who "best exemplifies the qualities of perseverance, sportsmanship, and dedication to hockey", which means it has as much to do with a player's performance off the ice as what he does on it. And for another, it's an award that sees one player from each team nominated instead of the usual three league-wide.

Those 30 nominees are announced at the conclusion of voting by each team's local writers, meaning they're spread out over several weeks in March. We don't yet know the names of every player who's up for the honor this year, but most teams have revealed their nominee. Some have made inspiring recoveries from serious injuries, others are being recognized for their involvement in charity, while others have overcome obstacles that threatened their careers.

But they all have something in common: each is being recognized for facing adversity in some form. Here's a look at some of the players being considered for this year's Masterton Trophy.

Matt Cooke, Pittsburgh Penguins - It's only fair to that he be included, since he was personally responsible for every one of the horrible things that lead to the other 29 guys being nominated.

Johnny Boychuk, Boston Briuns - Has often been described as "not completely insufferable" and "somebody you can watch play one entire game without hating, I guess", making him pretty much a unanimous nomination for the Bruins.

Curtis Sanford, Columbus Blue Jackets - The veteran goaltender is known for spending most of his time working with the underprivileged, in the sense that he plays for the Columbus Blue Jackets.

Joffrey Lupul, Toronto Maple Leafs - Was somehow able to post the best offensive season of his career despite the overwhelming disadvantage of being stuck with a linemate who occasionally doesn't feel like talking to the media.

Daniel Alfredsson, Ottawa Senators - Came back from any injury or had a good year or maybe retired or no one really has any idea to be honest, since nobody in Ottawa has said a word about any player other than Erik Karlsson since mid-November.

Colin Fraser, Los Angeles Kings - Must have accomplished something that nobody had ever done before at a Los Angeles Kings game, such as noticing that someone has been high-sticked in the face when your name is "Fraser".

Jaromir Jagr, Philadelphia Flyers - Needed to be recognized for finding the will to succeed despite being like a hundred times better than everybody else at hockey, we guess.

Mike Smith, Phoenix Coyotes - Was given the nomination in his first season as the Coyotes' new starting goaltender after local writers confirmed with the league office that not being a crazy babbling Russian moon-man could technically be considered a form of sportsmanship.

Corey Potter, Edmonton Oilers - The 27-year-old showed incredible perseverance by spending almost a decade riding the buses and staying in run-down hotels with various college and minor league teams, before the Oilers front office finally tracked him down and forced him to come play in Edmonton.

Clayton Stoner, Minnesota Wild - Has had to go through his whole life battling the assumption that he's some sort of strung-out underachiever just because of his name, which is totally unfair because there are probably a few people out there named "Clayton" who aren't like that.

Petr Sykora, New Jersey Devils - Managed to have a good year despite the pressure of playing for the Devils, the same team we're all pretty sure we remember his grandfather playing for back in the mid-90s.

Dan Girardi, New York Rangers - The Rangers' blueliner is so well-respected for his sportsmanship that coach John Tortorella will often send out a different defenceman to take the opening faceoff when it's time to have a bloody line brawl with a rival that he'll feign innocence about afterwards.

Max Pacioretty, Montreal Canadiens - He enters the race as the clear favorite and Habs fans will probably think he was robbed if he loses, sigh Montreal 911 operators wearily.

Nine lives: A look at the playoff bubble teams

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Tue, 20 Mar 2012 11:54:00 +0000

Last week we took a look at the eight teams that had established themselves as the presumptive Stanley Cup favorites. But while it's always fun to look ahead to who'll be left standing after four rounds, some teams have more immediate concerns. As the season winds down, it appears that we have nine teams fighting for the four final playoff spots.

The Western Conference features six teams fighting for three spots, including the third seed that will go to whoever wins the turtle derby in the Pacific Division. And in the East, we're essentially looking at three teams fighting for the eighth and final spot.

So which four teams will find a way to claim the final spots and sneak into the post-season, and which five will fall just short? Here's a look at the teams that find themselves on the playoff bubble in the season's final weeks.

Calgary Flames

Reason for optimism: Junior sensation Sven Baertschi could potentially return to the roster if a veteran player happened to be injured, if the over-sized anvil dangling from a frayed rope over Lee Stempniak's locker is any indication.
Possible bad sign: They'd be overwhelming underdogs in a first-round matchup with the St. Louis Blues, at least if you believe that old hockey adage that "When in doubt, always pick the team that actually retired Al MacInnis's number instead of just honouring it".

Washington Capitals

Reason for optimism: As the current eighth seed will have to find a way to make sure that an opponent doesn't sneak up and get them from behind, meaning they've finally found a subject where they can learn something from Dale Hunter.
Possible bad sign: Alexander Ovechkin has admitted that while he initially didn't mind hearing Jets fans chant "Crosby's better" at him on Saturday, it did kind of hurt when we found out afterwards that the Crosby they were referring to was Bing.

Phoenix Coyotes

Reason for optimism: Ownership is so confident in the team's chances that they've already got a detailed parade route hanging in the board room at team headquarters.
Possible bad sign: Well, we're assuming it was a parade route, although come to think of it maybe it was kind of odd that it starts in Glendale and winds up in Seattle.

Dallas Stars

Reason for optimism: Yes, the winner of the Pacific division really does get a playoff spot no matter what, says Gary Bettman wearily while reminding the Stars that they don't actually have to call him about this every single day.
Possible bad sign: The fact that they don't have a single top-tier player who is currently injured has been somewhat countered by the fact that they also don't have a single top-tier player who is currently healthy.

Colorado Avalanche

Reason for optimism: The Avalanche actually have a history of making deep playoff runs and even winning Stanley Cups, say the team's core of young players, at least according to what Crazy Old Man Hejduk keeps ranting about over in the corner.
Possible bad sign: Have one of the most difficult remaining schedules of any team, in the sense that they are not scheduled to play any games against the Colorado Avalanche.

San Jose Sharks

Reason for optimism: Were unanimously picked as a slam dunk playoff team by every hockey expert in the world before the season started, and those guys are never wrong!
Possible bad sign: The coaching staff is starting to rethink their strategy of papering the dressing room with all those motivational "This is the year we don't choke in the playoffs" posters.

Buffalo Sabres

Reason for optimism: The team has been motivated by the knowledge that if they can't make a run with their current roster right now, they'll only have another eight or nine chances before all their front-loaded contracts start running out.
Possible bad sign: While they'd normally be encouraged by the sight of devoted supporters loudly cheering them on in their quest for the eighth playoff seed, they admit they'd feel even better if those cheers weren't coming from members of the first place New York Rangers watching the highlights each night.

Los Angeles Kings

Reason for optimism: After being encouraged by the coaching staff to at least give it a try to see if they liked it, the team admitted that their recent experience of scoring a goal was actually kind of fun and they may even be willing to do it again before the end of the season.
Possible bad sign: Opponents have figured out that you can neutralize Jeff Carter completely right off the opening faceoff if you just wander over to him casually mutter "Hey, I bet the Blue Jackets are going to ask for a first-liner back when they trade Rick Nash to the Kings in the off-season".

Winnipeg Jets

Reason for optimism: Their return to the NHL has been the feel-good story of the season, so they can expect to have millions of hockey fans all across Canada passionately cheering them on in their quest for a playoff spot.
Possible bad sign: If the Maple Leafs are any indication, that means they're screwed.

A look inside the NHL's 50-goal club

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Sat, 17 Mar 2012 12:19:00 +0000

We don't know where most of the NHL's awards will go when the hardware is handed out in June, but we can probably go ahead and engrave Steven Stamkos's name onto the Rocket Richard Trophy for the league's leading goal scorer. Stamkos recorded his 50th goal of the season earlier this week, reaching the magic number before any other player could even get to 40.

Stamkos may end up being the only player to score 50 this season, but he'll have plenty of company in the history books. Although the feat has become less common in the current era, 90 different NHL players have managed the reach the 50-goal milestone at least once in their careers.

Here's a look at some of the past and present stars who've managed to join the prestigious 50-goal club.

1993 - Brendan Shanahan scores his 50th goal of the season, then quietly admits to himself that he's not sure that was really the right number and resolves to start randomly scoring less or more without any explanation.

1991 - Brett Hull scores 86 goals and marks the start of a decade in which he's so unstoppable that he sometimes seems to be playing under a completely different set of rules, Sabres fans will later notice in hindsight.

1989 - A career-high 70-goal season from Bernie Nicholls results in the league reluctantly rescinding its controversial "Just to make it fair for everyone else, from now on Wayne Gretzky assists only count if he ricochets the shot off of Bernie Nicholls' head" rule.

1998 - Traded to the Flyers following several disappointing seasons in Montreal, John LeClair records three straight 50-goal seasons after finally being able to explain to an English-speaking equipment manager that he would actually prefer to use left-handed sticks.

1992 - Gary Roberts records his 50th of the season after the puck realizes that if it hides in the back of the net it won't have to listen to him drone on about organic trail mix and sunflower sprouts.

1945 - Maurice Richard becomes the first NHL player in history to reach the 50 goal mark, and then must have gone into some sort of terrible late-season slump because he somehow failed to win the Rocket Richard trophy.

1990 - The public address announcer at Maple Leaf Gardens starts to wonder why that silver-haired guy keeps showing up and laughing evilly while forcing him to announce random Leafs goal as being scored by Gary Leeman.

2009 - After capping off a dominating effort on his league-leading 50th goal by pretending that his stick is too hot to pick up, Alexander Ovechkin is warned to cut that stuff out by Washington Capital team leaders who will realize years later that they probably should have specified that they just meant the celebration part.

1975 - Boston Bruins legend Phil Esposito's fifth 50-goal season turns out to be the final one of his career, thanks to his annoying new coach who spends the entire game repeatedly asking all the players to remind him which province they were born in.

1994 - Pavel Bure scores his 50th goal in only the third game of the season, before your roommate tells you he's not playing NHL 94 with you anymore if you insist on using that cheap breakaway move every single time.

2006 - When asked at the conclusion of his 56-goal season whether he thinks he can manage another 50, Jonathan Cheechoo admits that it will be a challenge but that he honestly believes he has an outside chance before pausing and adding "You meant over the rest of my entire career, right?"

1995 - Upon realizing that Ray Sheppard had 50 goals in the previous season, everyone in hockey admits that this whole "offense" thing is out of control and it's time to come up with a plodding defensive system that can ruin the game for the next decade or so.

The great eight: A look at the most likely Stanley Cup winners

noreply@blogger.com (Down Goes Brown) — Tue, 13 Mar 2012 11:43:00 +0000

We're heading down the homestretch of the NHL season. Every team is down to their final fifteen games or less, the playoff races are tight, and we're starting to see some separation between the contenders and the pretenders.

While most of the league is either battling for the bottom playoff seeds or already looking toward the offseason, a handful of teams have begun to separate themselves from the pack. And while it's always possible that we'll see a Cinderella run from an underdog, history tells us that when the Stanley Cup is eventually handed out in a few months it will go to a team from the top of the regular season standings.

So let's get to know a few of those teams. Here's a closer look at the eight teams that look like they'll be heading into the postseason as the Stanley Cup favorites.

Pittsburgh Penguins

Greatest strength: The returning Sidney Crosby won't need to worry about being reinjured by an opponent's body check this time, says Gary Bettman while sitting calmly in the rafters holding a sniper rifle.
Potential weakness: Opposing penalty killers can expect an easy time of it when facing the combination of Crosby and Evgeni Malkin, since the powerplay will only ever last six or seven seconds max.

Boston Bruins

Greatest strength: Lead the league in goal differential with a +58, although in fairness that does go down to +3 if you take away their five games against the Maple Leafs.
Potential weakness: Are starting to get a bad feeling that they misunderstood Tim Thomas when he personally assured them that he'd make sure the whole "refuse to go to the White House after winning a championship" incident would never happen again.

Philadelphia Flyers

Greatest strength: Have recently been putting a real emphasis on closing things out properly, although so far those things are just Nicklas Grossmann's nameplates.
Potential weakness: Teammates report that they'd feel a lot better about Ilya Bryzgalov's three recent shutouts if he didn't always respond to their post-game compliments by looking around in confusion and asking "Wait, did we play tonight?"

St. Louis Blues

Greatest strength: Often have the benefit of facing demoralized opponents who hear the start of the sentence "Tonight we play the Blue…" and get all excited thinking it's going to be Columbus.
Potential weakness: While Brian Elliott and Jaroslav Halak have been almost unbeatable since Ken Hitchcock took over, at some point somebody might notice that the rulebook says they're not technically allowed to both play at the same time like that.

Nashville Predators

Greatest strength: Every player on the roster believes with absolute certainty that they have a chance of beating out all these other teams, which experts agree is just completely adorable.
Potential weakness: While occasional distractions on the road are just part of the job for superstar players, it's still not cool how all the owners of every big market team the Predators visit keep "accidentally" leaving giant bags full of money in Ryan Suter's locker.

Detroit Red Wings

Greatest strength: The injury-plagued team has recently received several moving sympathy cards from around the league reading "So sorry to hear about all your all-stars being hurt" although come to think of it some of those may have been sarcastic.
Potential weakness: Opponents continue to demand suspensions whenever Niklas Kronwall launches himself into any player he catches with their head down, but maybe those cry-babies should just find a different way to listen to the national anthem.

New York Rangers

Greatest strength: Their forwards and defencemen are known for fearlessly hurling their bodies in front of any shots directed at Henrik Lundqvist, although opponents admit it's kind of creepy how they always do it while yelling "Protect his beautiful face!"
Potential weakness: While players getting hurt is a fact of life and should be expected during the stretch drive and playoffs, it's got to be nerve-wracking knowing you're only 15 or 16 injured forwards away from Sean Avery getting called up.

Vancouver Canucks

Greatest strength: Gained invaluable experience during last year's playoff run, and should also be well-rested thanks to the three days of offseason they got afterwards.
Potential weakness: Roberto Luongo admits that while it's nice to hear coaches and teammates say they have full confidence in him and aren't looking to bring in a goalie with a better reputation for coming through in the clutch, he'd still like to know why this Connor Crisp kid is suddenly hanging around.