Down, write blog

P90X day 2 & 3 & exceptional challenges

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Falcon) — Thu, 14 May 2009 02:32:00 +0000

On Day 3 of my P90X workouts and lovin it!

The burn feels so good. I've heard it described as better than sex and I have to agree. I am getting addicted to the endorphin rush. And, since I haven't had any action in a very very, you don't even wanna know, very long time, these work-outs serve me two-fold! Endorphins and fitness. I then get to grace the world with my rockin bod! HA!

Yesterday was a challenging day, emotional-wise. Emotions have a way of tricking me and tripping me up. I can't let that get in my way. I definitely want the rockin 110% hard-core athletic body of all time and I KNOW the P90X training will get me there in 90days!

I had a little spat with someone that has grown special to my heart. My head stepped in and made a decision to pull way back and focus my attention more back on just me n my kid, well and our critters. So, yeah, basically I kina broke up with someone. It's real and real-lame at the same time, but there are real feelings involved so it was tricky.

I should post this on my 'down, write blog', so maybe I'll just copy it over there.
Here's the lame part, we met on Facebook. Hit it off and visited a lot everyday. Have yet to meet in person, both being cautious. He's been separated from his wife for about 1 year and a half but is still legally married, so that's a flag right there.

They do shared custody with the kids, and since he is not legally divorced yet, he is extra careful about what goes up on his Facebook wall, which I have been respectful of. There have been a few instances where he got his knickers in a twist over what I post on his wall and we've talked about it. I didn't think they were anything out of line, and in fact, here are two real examples of what happened. The others were even more so insignificant that I don't even remember what the issue was.

This first recollection is a comment post on a picture of him and his mom on mother's day. I posted that it was a 'cute pic'. After me, another female friend typed, 'super cute pic'. So, after her, to be funny, I typed, 'fine, super duper cute'. At this point, he contacted me to 'discuss' why he thought that was inappropriate to be catty fighting on his wall and looking all jealous of some other girl or something. 1)Say hello to your ego and 2)did you read it? It was just fine, super duper cute. Gimme a break. It wasn't the first time he brought something up to me and I was beginning to get annoyed at his over-paranoia to stupid words on stupid facebook.

The next day, we were visiting about something entirely different and he let me know, that by the way, I was right because the other girl, I guess works at his office and approached him and said she 'likes what Karen types' and thought my snappy come-back was cute. He told her that he had words with me about it and she apparently was able to let him know to lighten up. He is so worried about his "x" wife finding anything on his wall, maybe he's not really separated?? Hmm, could that be it? I don't know, but his ever growing paranoia and what I am about to reveal next gave me enough reason to break off even just the simple facebook fascination.

Some days after that, he comments on how he only ate a salad for dinner and he was starving and if it were earlier, he would run out and get a fast food burger. So, to that I commented, 'No Noooo, No more fast food for me man'. Because by now, most of my friends and mutual friends, via the wall, know that I am on P90X and in strict regimen of what I consume. About an hour after that, it was getting late and I decided to just send him a quick pop-up chat to let him know I was signing off facebook and his reply was curt. I typed back, 'what's wrong?' and he was short again. So, I picked up the phone and called him and heeeere's more drama!

He starts talking about how facebook is too public and he's going to back off for a while, bla bla bla. And I asked what all this was coming from and he said, "We have talked about this before. That I am very careful about what goes up on my wall." And I had NO IDEA what he was upset about. I told him I could tell by his short chat that something was definitely up and I know it's late but I want to know what I did or said. He starts in with, "Ahh nothing, forget it." I was not about to let it go since obviously he's accusing me of something, AGAIN.

He starts in again talking about how he can't believe that I did it again and whatever I typed on his wall and he's rambling, but with no specifics. I tell him again, 'I need you to tell me specifically what you are talking about and what I typed that was so bad because I have no idea what you are talking about.' He finally told me the exact thread and comment that bothered him. He said that I made reference to him being "my man" in my post on his fast food thread. I said he was reading it wrong! It is, 'No more fast food for ME, man.' As in I won't eat anymore fast food. I told him I could NOT BELIEVE he was getting attitude with me over a fast food comment and especially since I made NO REFERENCE to what he was talking about. I told him it is REALLY UNFORTUNATE that it's come to this.

We talked a little longer, he DID apologize. I asked him if he wanted me to erase my comment and he kina begrudgingly said no. We got off the phone, but I was upset for quite a while.

Later, actually, early in the morning, I got up and decided to drop him a note. I had been thinking of nothing but the incident. I got on to facebook, I did go and erase that comment I made because 1)it's mine to erase if I want anyway and 2)it obviously upset him so I just wanted to be done with it. I sent him a note telling him that I thought it over, could wait a few days and say that I have thought about it for days, but that I am already at my decision that since there are too many issues popping up over basically nonsense that I am going to be pulling waaaaaay back from our communication. I will not be flirting with him anymore and I don't want us acting like there's anything going on, because we haven't even met yet anyway. All of this is cropping up because he's not yet divorced anyway....if he were, he shouldn't care what I put on his wall. It's not fair to either one of us that I am kept a secret if he is separated. And basically, that I look forward to us meeting someday when he is really divorced.

What was his reply? Just short, of course! So, I think that means I hit the nail on the head.

Student Loans

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Falcon) — Tue, 05 May 2009 06:08:00 +0000

I keep talking about going back to school but I just have to get up and do it.
We are moving back to my home state, California, this summer and I plan to take a couple classes. It's good for me and it sets a good example for my daughter.

Here is another great website that found it's way across my desk. It's a very helpful website for student loans.

Everything at your fingertips to get started on the sometimes overwhelming task of preparing and filling out student loan forms. There are tons of links for resources to help you along the way. You can search for colleges if you haven't narrowed it down yet where you want to attend. You can even take your shot at winning a $10,000 scholarship giveaway!

There is a section for students to enter and/or for parents to enter. That's great, I hadn't seen that before. That's really helpful because we all know that the rents and the students see things very differently. So the different pages are aimed at that specific target audience!

Don't forget to check out the alternative loans link. Visit student loan network today for the BEST website for all your student loans questions and needs.

Not much of an update

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Falcon) — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 03:08:00 +0000

A new friend told me recently that I should keep up with writing on my blogs more. I agree. I want to. But what do I do, pull content out of my ass? That's a little crass, (a little?) but just about anything goes on my 'down, write blog', if you have read anything from my past.

Just like that cute, dear girl on 'You've Got Mail', I lead a small life. Albeit valuable in its own right. I live in a small town, I have small accomplishments, I have small to little to nothing to speak of, but a brilliant daughter who shall go forth in life and, as I have no doubt, will accomplish more in her little finger than I ever imagined. And she will do all this because it is her gift, not because I need to narcissitically & vicariously live through her. Please, I don't have that kind of energy to follow-thru on such variety-shows. You know what I'm saying, dog n pony?

So, living a relatively small life, in the sticks in Oregon, I am obviously hooked up to cyberspace. It is a lifeline. My blogs, my facebook friends, the news, money-making opportunities, they're all blessings.

This morning when I got up to check in on my assignments for the day at my 'Transcript typing' website, I was temporarily interrupted by the phone call I had to make to pay-up on my slightly delinquent internet bill to re-connect my service. Bummer. I knew it was coming up quick. I am not quite making enough to pay everything ahead of time to keep afloat, but just enough to juggle everything and there are the inevitable lapses in between.

Got me thinking, 'Is the internet a lapse in judgement on my part?' I have to say, no, because without the internet, I wouldn't be making the little extra funds to juggle anyway. It's a vicious cycle.

This morning I awoke to Good Morning America. A story about some kids that posted their plight on YouTube. A crew came out to their school and several of the kids sat and testified on camera just how raw and real the crisis has hit home for their families. For many of the kids, it was the first time they had let some emotion out at all. These dear kids have been trying to stay strong troopers for their parents, while all along seeing the angst and pressure across the faces of the ones they look up to to provide their shelter, their food, their future in life.

The donations came pouring in to the school for supplies, for the children, for food and above and beyond the call of duty, JOB OPPORTUNITIES have been pouring in for the parents!
I have searched and searched and now I cannot find their post on YouTube.

Caller i.d. Spoofing, FREE!

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Falcon) — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 20:21:00 +0000

Wow, I have never heard of spoofing!
Where have I been? This looks like a really neat idea. In case you have never heard of this either, spoofing, at least caller i.d. spoofing, is a way to put some other text on the caller i.d. of the person you are calling.

This looks like it can either be a lot of fun, or could be nefarious in the wrong hands. Use your powers for good instead of evil. What would you choose to type to display in your receiving party's caller i.d.? Hmmm, what to type, what to type.

I think I would put something silly like, "Big Bird Calling" or "Barney says I love you". Maybe, when the mood strikes, I'll be a little more mischievous and type, "The lab results are in, you have . . . . " and just leave them in suspense.

Here is a great website that is offering Free Spoofing. Why didn't I think of that?!

Economic down-turn

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Falcon) — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 20:10:00 +0000

For the need of a personal post between paid ads, voila, I'll write a quick diddy.
I've been down again lately. The child support has stopped again for no apparent reason. I guess he is taking advantage of the nations economic down-turn too and decided not to pay anymore, or maybe he just dropped dead of a heart attack.

My car is still kaput in the driveway and I have been stuck at home for, I am ashamed to tell just how many weeks. At least my daughter gets to go off to school. I desperately, really desperately need to go grocery shopping and the final kick in the ass, I wasn't paid for some jobs that I did when he said he would pay me.
On that note, I really would like to meet Diddy someday, he has money, and I bet he won't make me do any job for a helping hand! ha ha Read into that whatever you want. I don't care. I am in a saucy mood and I have to laugh during my own recent economic down-turn!

Fishing does a body good.

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Falcon) — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 05:08:00 +0000

Fishing is the ultimate escape for me.
I haven't been fishing in a very long time. But I get blue a lot and when I do, I want to just sit, be quiet, hear the murmured rustlings of nature all around me in the distance while I get up close and personal with the worm I am bloodying and stabbing onto the barbed hook, to be eaten alive. I want to go Everglades Fishing.

Once while sitting alone and only the cackling ravens to stand witness, I landed the largest large-mouthed bass this side of the skogies. Half sloshed off of off brand beers and stale cheetos, I lay day dreaming about Everglades Fishing under the summer sun, barely holding onto my pole in the water, as my own lazy water slowly meandered out the side of my agape mouth.

A slight tug tug tug on my pole got my attention. I jolted up out of my dream about Everglades Fishing-stooper just in time to grasp the pole for the monster to yank me down into that lake. All sobered up, I couldn't wait to get a hold of whatever bastard was on the other end of that line. I knew it had to be a cold, floppy man of a fish. I couldn't wait to club his large-mouth head. Maybe someday I'll get to go Everglades Fishing.

I reeled, he pulled, I huffed, he splashed. We fought like cat and dog while a stray cat and dog came along to laugh at me from the side of the wood lined meadow behind me at the lake, while I day dreamed about Everglades Fishing. They looked at this stupid old lady fighting a fish, then looked at each other as if to make bet who would be the first to steel my catch. They wouldn't even be there if I were out Everglades Fishing.

Sweaty and stinky, I landed that 5 foot beast, beat his head with my empty bottle, gut him and cleaned him right there on shore. I wonder what the shore is like when you're Everglades Fishing. The cat and the dog weren't laughing anymore. I threw them some scraps and loaded up my prize in the truck. I have no pictures. Who needs pictures when I have this amazing story. Next time, I'll write an even more amazing story about Everglades Fishing. Did I mention I want to go Everglades Fishing. I have never been Everglades Fishing.

Pain Relations

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Falcon) — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 06:25:00 +0000

Scary how much I (think I) can relate.

From the beginning of following this story, I have had moments of chills up my spine with emotionally relating to the family dysfunctional dynamic. The controlling mother, the out of control daughter, the baby on the pivotable point in the path of destruction.

I was a pregnant teen. My mother (& stepfather) approached me and told me they wanted to adopt the baby, but that I could never reveal the truth, could never mention that I was the real mother and it would never be spoken of again.

I felt so unwanted, so abandoned, neglected. Here I was, 18, still a child in so many ways. Our mother never even taught me what a 'period' was, let alone what to expect from boys. She was a great role model, too. When times get rough, stressed or scary, hit the bottle lady.

I will never forget that day. As I sat there and I could hear their muffled voices far off in the back of my mind. . . I felt simply, 'given up on.' They were done with me, but they'll take the baby and that's it.

Obviously, with teenage pregnancy being a symptom to underlying problems, albeit a HUGE-human symptom that will need a life commitment of care, I obviously needed help. Not excuses for my actions. I'm not entirely pointing the finger everywhere else but me, but I needed help long before that day. I needed attention, guidance, instruction, and stability and I very well may have never been a pregnant teen.

What prompted me to delve into this tonight was reading another article on the Casey Anthony case. She was under pressure from a controlling mother - I know that pain all too well. I am NOT offering up excuses or sympathy for Casey killing her daughter. Rather, the article goes on to mention that Casey stated at one point she felt she was having a break down and wanted to be committed to a mental hospital. I know that feeling too, and I reached out, and I got burned again, by the same controlling mother figure. The same disconnected mother-figure in the house that taught me not to rely on her emotionally and to hit the bottle for your support, a crutch. Way to go.

I never did let them adopt my baby. I had already other contacts for an adoption and I followed through with that arrangement. It was/is filed as an open adoption and at various times throughout the years we have gotten together. It still is all so very sensitive to me, as only another in my position can feel. It remains an open sore, festering, picked at by a scaly wound that haunts my skin at the very slightest whisper of a breeze of memory.

The emotionally disconnected mother-figure announces one day, around christmas time, when I walked in her door, "Oh, guess who was here yesterday? I got together with (-)!" Brags about how they all got together at the house and had such a nice visit....on and on....COMPLETELY unaware at how I was literally having to HOLD BACK my vomit from spewing out my guts.

I was stunned silent. I was the betrayed inner baby girl all over again, given up on. All I could think in my head as my heart felt like it was ripping right out of my chest...'Couldn't anyone have called me to be here too for the get together?'
It was not as if I had been excluded before...but it precisely WAS just that. I learned there had been other visits without me, on purpose.

You see, I was the 'bad teen' that got myself pregnant with that baby in the first place and she was the 'wonderful gramma' that they'd arrange to go visit. She puts up quite the show for the outside. None of them in that adoptive family know how I grew up. And I could never tell them, because that would ruin "his truth" of his gramma. I can't confuse him or break his heart.

She is SO STUPID and disconnected that she didn't even think to NOT ONLY not tell me about it, but she couldn't even SEE how it was killing me. I swear she has asperger's syndrome! I hated her in that moment for torturing me. Another time she called just to tell me, "(-)'s mom called me today and want's to know, 'is karen even still alive?"....asperger-mom-figure has such a gentle approach.

In the news, when they talk about the hatred between Casey and Cindy Anthony, I can relate!

Therapy

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Falcon) — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 06:51:00 +0000

Pondered some painful memories again tonight. I don't like to think of it as 'dwelling', rather, I need some answers and I am not getting them from the source, so sometimes I find myself trying to figure it all out. Maybe that is my way of finishing off the puzzle so I can put it away.

Remembering countless real-life examples of dysfunctional behavior, particular disorders have crossed my mind before as a possible explanation to all the drama in that household growing up, and the behavior that persists to this day. But, I never looked the disorders up before to read the actual definition. I guess they just crossed my mind from watching too much t.v., Dr. Phil, Oprah, the news, reality t.v., ha ha. Tonight I looked a few things up and am, should I say, pleasantly surprised. I don't know if it's a pleasure to learn what 'could be' these possible answers, if any of these documented disorders apply, but it's a start.

Lately I have been following the daily breaking news on the Anthony case. Poor, dear little Caylee, the grandmother Cindy and Casey, the mother imprisoned and charged with 1st degree murder of her 2yr daughter. The case is horrific and fascinating at the same time. It strikes me as disgusting the way the news is covering it as a tabloid scandal, yet I find myself watching the same channel that pisses me off, just to try and soak up more facts about the case. The flashing headlines, the dramatic music, the floating, tilted family pictures fading in and out of the t.v. screen. It's all so 'overacting' mellow drama at it's WORST.

I'm referring to CNNs the Nancy Grace show, by the way. It's a love hate thing. I love how she is so passionate about a cause, but I hate how that blond loud-mouth sounds so disingenuous. In an instant, when reading her teleprompter, she'll turn her voice into a comatose whisper of a forced guttural drawl of compassionate facade. Gimme a break lady....someone really ought to tell you to at least practice in the mirror. She is so annoying, but hey, that just may very well BE her sincerity and I'm hearing her all wrong. Lord knows her ratings are high and millions love her. But here is a CLASSIC example of precisely what I am talking about, then I'll get back to my blog topic:

I actually started this blog post a couple days ago and am just now getting back to it. In the meantime, have had a couple conversations with a brother and cousin that has helped to relieve some of my tension, ultimately, the reason for venting on this blog anyway. So, I am feeling less compelled to have to express it here after my recent visits, but, I'm sure I'll think of something!

Yes, the original train of thought for this blog post anyway, the mom-factor, the source. Not just easier to blame, but makes for a blogable topic and hey, I don't have insurance so a-typing-I-shall-go.

Psychosis (from the Greek ψυχή "psyche", for mind or soul, and -οσις "-osis", for abnormal condition), with adjective psychotic, literally means abnormal condition of the mind, and is a generic psychiatric term for a mental state often described as involving a "loss of contact with reality". People suffering from psychosis are said to be psychotic.

People experiencing psychosis may report hallucinations or delusional beliefs, and may exhibit personality changes and disorganized thinking. This may be accompanied by unusual or bizarre behavior, as well as difficulty with social interaction and impairment in carrying out the activities of daily living.

A wide variety of central nervous system diseases, from both external toxins, and from internal physiologic illness, can produce symptoms of psychosis. This disease link has led to the metaphor of psychosis as the 'fever' of CNS illness—a serious but nonspecific indicator.

~ ~ ~

Asperger's Syndrome - Symptoms

Although there are many possible symptoms of Asperger’s syndrome, the main symptom is severe trouble with social situations. Your child may have mild to severe symptoms or have a few or many of these symptoms. Because of the wide variety of symptoms, no two children with Asperger's are alike.

Symptoms during childhood

Parents often first notice the symptoms of Asperger's syndrome when their child starts preschool and begins to interact with other children. Children with Asperger's syndrome may:

Not pick up on social cues and may lack inborn social skills, such as being able to read others' body language, start or maintain a conversation, and take turns talking.
Dislike any changes in routines.
Appear to lack empathy.
Be unable to recognize subtle differences in speech tone, pitch, and accent that alter the meaning of others’ speech. Thus, your child may not understand a joke or may take a sarcastic comment literally. Likewise, his or her speech may be flat and difficult to understand because it lacks tone, pitch, and accent.
Have a formal style of speaking that is advanced for his or her age. For example, the child may use the word "beckon" instead of "call" or the word "return" instead of "come back."
Avoid eye contact or stare at others.
Have unusual facial expressions or postures.
Be preoccupied with only one or few interests, which he or she may be very knowledgeable about. Many children with Asperger's syndrome are overly interested in parts of a whole or in unusual activities, such as designing houses, drawing highly detailed scenes, or studying astronomy. They may show an unusual interest in certain topics such as snakes, names of stars, or dinosaurs.²
Talk a lot, usually about a favorite subject. One-sided conversations are common. Internal thoughts are often verbalized.
Have delayed motor development. Your child may be late in learning to use a fork or spoon, ride a bike, or catch a ball. He or she may have an awkward walk. Handwriting is often poor.
Have heightened sensitivity and become overstimulated by loud noises, lights, or strong tastes or textures. For more information about these symptoms, see sensory integration dysfunction.

A child with one or two of these symptoms does not necessarily have Asperger’s syndrome. To be diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome, a child must have a combination of these symptoms and severe trouble with social situations.

Although the condition is in some ways similar to autism, a child with Asperger's syndrome typically has normal language and intellectual development. Also, those with Asperger's syndrome typically make more of an effort than those with autism to make friends and engage in activities with others.

Symptoms during adolescent and teen years

Most symptoms persist through the teen years. And although teens with Asperger's can begin to learn those social skills they lack, communication often remains difficult. They will probably continue to have difficulty "reading" others' behavior.

continued...

Your teen with Asperger's syndrome (like other teens) will want friends but may feel shy or intimidated when approaching other teens. He or she may feel "different" from others. Although most teens place emphasis on being and looking "cool," teens with Asperger's may find it frustrating and emotionally draining to try to fit in. They may be immature for their age and be naive and too trusting, which can lead to teasing and bullying.

All of these difficulties can cause teens with Asperger's to become withdrawn and socially isolated and to have depression or anxiety.³

But some teens with Asperger's syndrome are able to make and keep a few close friends through the school years. Some of the classic Asperger's traits may also work to the benefit of your teen. Teens with Asperger's are typically uninterested in following social norms, fads, or conventional thinking, allowing creative thinking and the pursuit of original interests and goals. Their preference for rules and honesty may lead them to excel in the classroom and as citizens.

Symptoms in adulthood

Asperger's syndrome is a lifelong condition, although it tends to stabilize over time, and improvements are often seen. Adults usually obtain a better understanding of their own strengths and weaknesses. They are able to learn social skills and how to read others' social cues. Many people with Asperger's syndrome marry and have children.

Some traits that are typical of Asperger's syndrome, such as attention to detail and focused interests, can increase chances of university and career success. Many people with Asperger's seem to be fascinated with technology, and a common career choice is engineering. But scientific careers are by no means the only areas where people with Asperger's excel. Indeed, many respected historical figures have had symptoms of Asperger's, including Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Albert Einstein, Marie Curie, and Thomas Jefferson.

Other conditions

Many children with Asperger's syndrome also have coexisting conditions and may have symptoms of these conditions also. They include:

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).
Anxiety disorder.
Depression, especially in adolescents.
Nonverbal learning disorder.
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).
Social anxiety disorder.

Through my childhood experiences and lifelong into adulthood, my research into available facts on-line, I have come to realize I was raised by a psychotic-asperger's-syndrome sufferer of a mother. She is OCD, obsessive compulsive about taking care of her physical needs (even keeps a digital scale next to her coffee pot to weigh and 'keep record' of how much (damn) creamer (ounces) she puts in her coffee each day. (seriously? yes)

Being raised with such a 'control freak' and the freak that FREAKS OUT and YELLS inappropriately when things don't go her way, emotionally disconnected from her own child, narcissistic, socially dysfunctional, chronic anxiety, chronic depression, are typical of aspergers's, OCD, hence, psychosis.

Point being, she'll go to great lengths and unrealistic measures to measure her physical health, but will not take logical steps for the health and well-being of her mind. That, god forbid, may imply she is not in control and that there truly is something wrong......so, over the years, what is the result? Take it out on the kids. . . . .

Romeo Lifts Spirits.

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Falcon) — Sun, 15 Feb 2009 08:52:00 +0000

Last post was a downer.
I don't want to end the evening on that note.
While digging around and dusting off some older, little-worked blogs, I ran across a video of Romeo I completely forgot I had.

This may not touch you, but I get a kick out of it. "Hey lady, enough already with all the pets! Next you're going to whip out your home movies!" Precisely. Enjoy Romeo.

Weighing heavy on my mind

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Falcon) — Sun, 15 Feb 2009 04:24:00 +0000

It's been a while since I have kept up my other blogs.
Haven't had much to write about lately, and if I force it too hard to drum up something, just anything to type, it's boring and rambling jibberish anyway.

But, this is my 'down' blog and I have been blu-ish lately. It's been a bit of an up and down emotional trip, not quite a roller coaster wave, but a kiddie-little choo choo train. "I think I can, I think I can."

The m factor has been muddying up my noggin, fogging over any otherwise clear blue sky above me. Snippets of sunshine filter through at times throughout the day, my facebook friends, then the fog rolls in again.

I hate to mention her name, I hate to mention the word mother even. That implies I have a mother relationship. So, it has been torn down to the mere m-factor. For intents (but not purposes) I may have a biological m, but she has not been a mother to me for years.

I don't want to dwell on it. I don't want it to have ANY power over my life, sapping away any strength, creativity, value and blessings of all that we deserve, but it has and I do, so I've caused it.

They say the opposite of Love is not Hate, but indifference. I try to remember that when I feel the hate start to take over and poison my soul. I have times when I am so full of pain it feels like hate. I want to be merely 'indifferent'. Wear a 'Could care less' badge of honor to shield me. But I am human, I was a daughter once, and I was betrayed, hurt deeply and abandoned.

Not to drag anyone else into this, nor to name names, but my older sister has been through nearly the same pain from her, so she can relate, and most valuable of all to our psyche - she can VALIDATE. We have compared notes on our stories and have realized through experience that 'm' has lied, manipulated, played people (I guess that's pretty much manipulating) and covered up for herself any nasty bits of her own. And that can happen, none of us are perfect and none of us should be self-righteous.
But..

m has NEVER apologized to me for a damn thing, ever. When she finally abandoned me some years back was when I finally demanded an apology. After many years of never putting anything in her face, never shaming her, never asking for an explanation that any child SHOULD DESERVE, I finally said I do need to talk about it. I needed to talk about the past, talk about the hurt and the alcoholic abuse and I also said I refused to sweep it all under the rug and carry on as if nothing ever happened.

It was not just an incident to be forgiven. It was a childhood of growing up in an abusive home with a stinking stumbling drunk of a bitch that wouldn't hesitate to beat your rear end with a big fat stick over and over. A raging bitch that wouldn't hesitate to yell at the top of her lungs at how "stupid" you are. Slamming doors, driving drunk with KIDS IN THE CAR. I can still smell her vomit all over the seat and inside car door and I can still feel the car sway back and forth as we slowly weaved our way home on that dark, scary highway from Sunnyvale to San Jose. I remember being scared, even though I probably did not know quite how much danger we were at risk nor quite how horrific it could have all ended....but I knew enough to be scared wide-awake stiff all the way home, staring out the window, praying silently that we would make it home. I just wanted to crawl into bed and get away from the vomit smell and the weaving car.

I wanted the years of an angry, yelling, mean voice to get out of my head. I wanted a mother to teach me about life. I needed to know what a period was before I got it in the middle of the day at school and didn't know what was happening to me in front of the other kids at that outdoor assembly that day at Morrill Middle. I so desperately needed to know what to expect from a boy and what not to expect or allow. I needed to know that not all people get ANGRY with you for insignificant things that aren't earth shattering.

As a pregnant teen, I wanted help and understanding. I NEVER expected m to tell me she wanted to adopt the baby, BUT - that I could NEVER tell that I am the mother and it could never be revealed. I needed to not be just dismissed as if given up on, done with me, didn't finish, or barely, teach me anything and all that I needed to navigate life, but you'll take my baby and start all over with him.

As a weakening, crumbling suicidal soul, I needed love and concern from someone to let me know they even care what is happening to me. As a suicidal young adult, I should never have been called "Stupid" to my face precisely the moments I am in pain.
Did it never occur to any adult figure around me to jump in and ask, "Are you okay? How can we help you?" Even with your nearly 100% medical insurance covering your dependants, couldn't someone have raced me into counseling?

No, that never happened. That would reveal the UGLY TRUTH of the dysfunctional family that lived on the corner of that block. The drunk that straightens herself up for Sunday facade. If anyone hints your kids have messed up, well, "It must be the kid's fault. Lord knows your a good church-goer and you've done nothing but put a roof over their heads and how do they repay you?"

Nothing but put a roof over....and little xtra, is how I remember it.
There is more in my head. More memories that creep in day in and day out. Not everyday, but some days it creeps in. By some days'-end, it creeps into nightmares. The yelling, the smacking, the cold bitch look that ripped my heart out over and over for years as if she hated I even existed. Oh, how I must have been a pebble in her shoe that just troubled her life.
So much more pain that needs to get out of me. I have no insurance, I have no therapy, so I blog.

So, after years of 'respecting my elders' and actually, naively taking pride for not holding a grudge and letting it fall to the wayside; more instances happen even well into her aged adulthood as a 'Grandmother.' So, you know what that means? She pulled shit in front of my daughter and YOU DON'T SCARE MY KID, I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE! It was one thing for me to bury it all so deep I did not even realize how damaged I was until that day my daughter looked at me so fast. When she heard the loud, scary voice bitching, my little daughter shot her eyes onto mine so fast and whispered, "Mommy, I don't like it here. I want to go home to Oregon." And she was nervous, scared and nearly shaking. In that instant, a well of pain rose up from my gut unleashing memories and unlocked pandora's box that has not been healed or ridden to this day.

I was pissed, but as a mom now to MY OWN PRECIOUS BEAUTIFUL DESERVING DAUGHTER, I bit my tongue and did not let my piss out. Man how I wanted to speak up. We could not just pick up and drive back to Oregon in that instant. I assured my daughter we would leave asap, but that would be a couple more days yet. That trip was for Auntie's Birthday . . . and we were not going to let the bitch ruin our trip.

As soon as we got home, I sat down and typed up a poignant 2 page letter. Two pages is not too long and dragged out for me to get my point across. I never heard from her for over a year. And I know she got the letter, because another family member confirmed it. So, rather than face the letter, talk to me about any of it, let alone trying to force an apology out of your voice box, just acknowledge my need to talk and face CONFRONTATION...the choice was made to DROP ME like yesterday's garbage.

Over a year goes by, then over 2 years, the Christmas and birthday cards come for my daughter and there's a snippet of a sentence for me....but
NEVER HAS m PICKED UP THE PHONE ONCE to call. Finally, the step dad calls just this past Thanksgiving. He called just to tell us he loves us and wanted to invite us down for the Holiday. That meant the WORLD to me and made such a huge difference. See how easy that was? All you have to do is say, "I'm sorry (sincerely!) and I love you...and of course, let's talk about what has been hurting you for so long and clear the air on some of this."

I assure him, my anger is not aimed at him and I don't want to drag him into it. I told him I was so happy he called. I was glad after all this time he picked up the phone to reach us. I told him that in winters, driving on ice, wind storms blowing down trees around us, plumbing freezing and cars needing work, I felt ditched, so alone, abandoned and no one could care less if we were dead in a ditch off the side of the road from black ice. He told me her health isn't so good anymore. Well, neither is mine. I told him, that's too bad and I am sorry for that, and I hate to point fingers and it all sounds so tit for tat, but I wrote the letter, I needed the communication and I need an apology and I could NOT go down there and pretend as if nothing has happened. I will not sweep this under the rug. It's not fair.

He then told me a shocker! He revealed to me that while they have been together for all these years....there are some things he has NEVER gotten an apology for, that that is something she just cannot do and he has learned to live with it. Learn to live with it? You choose things to compromise on and learn to live with, but to forgo the apologies is unacceptable. I said, for me it is even WORSE now though...that she has chosen not only to NOT apologize to me, but literally abandon me just because I wrote that letter and stood up for myself and what I believe in. The fact that my phone has not wrung from HER in YEARS is nearly, very nearly UNFORGIVABLE now after all this time.

I made my point to him. He assured me they talk and go over stuff. So, maybe or maybe not, she knows about that latest phone call between her husband and I in Nov 'o8. And if she knew, ......like a child, I waited for my phone to ring, for her to finally listen to reason and do the right thing. Sure, she sent the obligatory Christmas card to my daughter with a little word for my daughter to tell me from m.

Those are just words on a paper.....I have never received a call.
2005 - 2009: never a phone call from a mother to a daughter.

Don't jinx it

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Falcon) — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 11:13:00 +0000

So happy lately, that I don't have anything to post about as a downer.

But that does leave me to wonder if I could possibly be a bit bi-polar. Bracing myself for the next downfall. I pray that won't happen. I pray a lot or all of the bad, sad, crappy past life is behind us. Read all about my new guy and our new life.

We are happy, but why wasn't just being a mom and having an awesome daughter enough to make me and keep me happy? I don't know. My daughter and I have many happy times too, and the bad was far in between, but somehow, I am feeling a little guilty that this new love life has opened me up to a new love of life, in a way unlike anyway my old life with my daughter could never touch on.

The guilty feeling will pass. Don't read me wrong, the guilty feeling has nothing to do with "that kind" of love-life. We are all just silly sappy happy building a great, fun, pretty normal, American, good ol small country town, healthy family life, that's truly what we are all jazzed about. It's so peaceful, fulfilling, normal, nice, NO-DRAMA! Just what the doctor ordered, had I seen a doctor to cure my life's woes and bouts of depression.

I'll keep this blog going, because life is, if nothing else, unpredictable, and there are bound to be times I'll need to blog about a down day I am having. (spit spit, patoowie the notion)

(image: goog'd 'spit')

I need a road-trip to get away from this head-trip

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Falcon) — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 19:19:00 +0000

Really missing my old life back in California. I never thought I'd miss Cal. Although it is beautiful up here in Oregon in the spring and summer, the fall and winter are just not doing well by me and my on-going struggle with depression.

I have to try just getting away from here for a while. We have not ventured out of this area since 'o5, and maybe just a break away, will help me to appreciate my "home" here in Oregon more. There has been so much drama lately here, a break will be GREAT.

Crazy-town wife (from previous post) just paid me another visit. I am just a nice person, (or maybe just a bit too stupid for my own good), so I let her in, to be polite. When a backbone finally kicks me in the ass, my usual response is to make an ass of myself and get a little belligerent and make a scene that only makes myself look stupid and non-credible by losing control.

She wanted to "visit" again, and I immediately wanted her to leave, but I let her say her first little bit of whatever she wanted to get off her mind. MISTAKE. She came here to my home to INTERROGATE me and basically accuse me of going after her husband.
She told me to "stay away" from him.

I just told her, tried to ASSURE her that after all that last drama, I don't want anything to do with either of you. I don't visit with him, I don't even say 'hi.' I just LIVE HERE. You guys are both wrong for dragging me into this. She told me I dragged myself into it......that was when I lost my cool.

I told her to get out of my house, never bother me again and I did nothing wrong. She still was flapping her gums and I had to escort her out and practically push her out the door. She obviously is hurt and confused by what is going on with her husband, but it IS NOT MY PROBLEM - I have done NOTHING.

In fact, I have seen him out here, moving stuff out of that mechanic's shop and into his already new girlfriend, the same one he told me that he called it off with her and he seems to be living with her now, because I hardly see him around here.

I didn't bother to tell "the wife" that, let her figure it out or find it out for herself. I just wanted her out of my house and I want all the DRAMA OUT OF MY LIFE.
I don't need this crap!

So, I am missing California. I want to drive down there so bad before the weather gets too bad to go over the 2 mountain passes, the Siskyous and Shasta.
I want to visit my long time friend, Chris, that we have known eachother about 20years. The only one that sent me an email on my bday, the only one that called me, the one that sent these roses.

From scarey to back again

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Falcon) — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 20:07:00 +0000

The past couple weeks have been a new trial for me and a testament. It was a real learning and growth phase and I am so grateful I have come out the other side lightened and shining. Don't vomit at the sentiment yet, I haven't forgotten this is the 'down blog' not the smiling blog. There's a dark story.

My cable went out for a couple weeks. But there's no fooling you, you know I neglected to be on top of my bill. Hell, it happens, no big whoop. Just took a little longer than I anticipated to get the ball rolling.

In the meantime, I huddled away into my head. It's summer, it's beautiful, I live in a small walk-able town, yet I wasted a few days. That happens too, but this time was a little different, it scared me.

Hatred was eating me alive. I was feeling so overwhelmingly consumed with hate all throughout my body and the anger was scaring even myself. I was hating on my (supposed) mother, but the more I thought about all the reasons I hate her, I began to hate myself.

Suddenly I hit a brick wall. How selfish is it of me to sit around allowing hate to rule my life, when I have a daughter to take care of. Sure, she is old enough to fend for herself, but it must be doing something to her on the inside just to see me in that state; huddled away in my head, on the bed, hardly eating.

I jumped up, took my stockpile of supplements; B-vitimins, kelp, fish oils, magnesium, zinc, and more and began to feel like my old self again. It never seises to amaze me what a profound difference a good healthy amount of supplements, and just plain ole good eating can do for your brain, your life.

When I get lost away in my head and weak, both physically and mentally like I had been, it is too easy to forget about what our brain needs. I am still basically alive, but not living at all. (when I am in that state) I couldn't think logically, the healthy daily necessities weren't triggering any responsible action. I didn't pray for anything to intervene and snap me out of it, it just hit me. I guess that is a good sign that I am not as whacked out of it as I may sometimes think about myself.

Well, today is a different day, in more ways than one. I started this blog entry a few days ago, but the weather has been so amazing that I have been finding other ways to keep busy. I am very happy to report that I have been feeling better than I have in years, without antidepressants, all thanks to good supplements and healthy eating. The house is in perfect order, and beautiful. The pets are all happy and most importantly, my daughter is thriving.

Sterilize them & put them away for life!

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Falcon) — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 13:49:00 +0000

Usually don't do this, repeat a post from one of my other blogs, but this has got me a little down this morning. Seems an appropriate story for this blog.

My stomach is turning. Catching up on the morning news, the stories that always hit me the worst are the childrens' stories. This mother put her own 5yr daughter up for barter/sex trade. DISGUSTING! What the hell is wrong with people??%$#@

Allegedly, the 'mother', if you can call her that, more like a demon, was dating a married scumbag. The scum bf sent out a text message that read, "Nice piece 5 yrs old belongs to my gf and she wants to sell it." The couple wanted an apartment, used car and child care for the demon-mom's 10month old, also later to be used for sexual exchange.

It is reported, the demon-mom "was of the belief that these sexual interactions would be a positive experience for (her daughter) and that Richards(mom) would receive sexual gratification." Shouldn't this couple be put away for life? Anyone sick enough to even entertain thoughts of such acts, not to mention actually carry it out, will surely do this again. Another case of people that should be sterilized.

The boyfriend's WIFE has filed for protective custody on her own child and filed for divorce. Thank G-d at least someone has a brain in this story.
I can't type on, this is making me sick and pissed! See Foxnews story here.

down and out and bored

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Falcon) — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 00:58:00 +0000

Really down again the past couple of days. Haven't spent much time off the couch. You'd think I would at least be losing weight with all my non-eating so much, but my down metabolism is turning against me.

The weather has been in the crapper, no surprise, this is Oregon after all. But just when I am about to get geared up and hit the road to go cycle, it starts to rain. I try to tell myself, 'I can do it', because I have forced myself to before, but then I plop on the couch and pout.

I am such a f'n wimp these days and it's pissing me off. The paid posts are just luck of the draw, I should know that by now. But every time I 'just miss' a paid opportunity, I am getting so upset at myself, 'should have checked sooner, I just stepped away for a second, yadda yadda.'

I am so sick of these mood swings.
There has been some big news this weekend, Obama announcing Biden as his mate, for one, and I can't even drum up enough energy to write a fun article about the upcoming election.

It's this damn little podunk town; it has sucked the life out of me. I liked myself much better when we were in California. The sunshine must have been my medicine.
Now I am stuck here and hatin about every other day.
Things will get better, they always do, then things go in the crapper again for a while.

Money in the Math

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Falcon) — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 16:57:00 +0000

ShySSSah! I should have paid closer attention to mathematics in school. Something about numbers boggle my mind. I even had the big glasses and sat in the front of the class. I wanted to learn, really, the numbers simply didn't add up.

A couple in Wisconsin both have won $350,000 jackpots, and it's not their first winnings. The accountant husband claims to have developed a mathematical formula for wining numbers. Claims he has used the formula for winnings before, but they have all been smaller winnings until now.

They are "exploring patent protection" to their formula and are not giving any public comments on their winnings or formula. According to Foxnews.com, "Steven Post, a mathematics professor at Edgewood College in Madison, wasn't buying it. He said there is no way to devise a strategy for finding the winning numbers in a game that uses randomly generated numbers to determine the winning combination. The only strategy would be to "buy all the tickets," he said." See full story here.

If I couldn't do the math, I could have at least married a geek . . . . . .

Actor, tomatoes and lunch in Tel Aviv

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Falcon) — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 01:28:00 +0000

Someone's needing a little boost. I know the feeling. He's come to the right place, because I goog'd him [stop it! not that kind of goo]. Amos Tamam comes up with a lot of hits. A lot of blogs on this actor, not a lot of blog substance yet. Star on the rise?

This link:Amos Tamam takes you to a celebrity page, rottentomatoes.com. I am having a hard time finding any images of the actor, but I clicked on 3 pages of links I found and they all lead to various blogs, like mine :-). Paid hits? Who cares, this is what we do. I love to blog and someone wants a little extra attention, c'est la vie.

Born September 6, 1977, ahh another virgo. "Hi, my birthday is September 11, we must do lunch sometime. I haven't been to Tel Aviv yet, but I hear it is magnificent." I have no idea where you are now or where you live, but that must be a secret since I can't find much about you yet. You can fill me in over humus and fresh veggies, a girl's gotta watch her figure and you gotta watch the camera.

Here are some of Amos Tamam's film credits: Is there more? I don't know. I'll have to update this blog when I get back from my lunch with Amos in Tel Aviv.
1. "Srugim" (2008) TV series .... Amir
2. Giborim Ktanim (2006) .... Police Officer
... aka Little Heroes (USA)
3. Shalosh Ima'ot (2006)
... aka Three Mothers (International: English title)
4. "Shir Shelanu, Ha-" (2004) TV series .... Yariv Arad (unknown episodes, 2004-2005)
... aka Our Song (International: English title)

Get me in now before you hit the big time, then we can grow (rich) together!
Love ya! Oh, send a picture first.

Cry

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Falcon) — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 16:21:00 +0000

Need a good cry? I stumbled upon this video the other day and couldn't believe I had never seen this before, let alone even hear about it. I can watch this again and again. It is perfect timing, since we recently lost one of our beloved pet cats, Whitey. I have posted about Whitey several times. He's still not home, and I don't think he will be. What is it about the big cats that is so magical? Christian the Lion is especially magnificent. Enjoy.

Someone else always has it worse

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Falcon) — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 15:57:00 +0000

If I start to feel down, aka narcissistic, egotistic, sorry for myself, I should remember this guy, John Graziano. Watch this clip of the result of the car crash with the little hogan douchebag. Inside, the audio clip of the leaked phone call of bigmouth and lilshit.

They're talking about how to make money off their reality, while John Graziano will live out the rest of his life as a vegetable. I don't know exactly what happened. It is documented John wasn't wearing a seatbelt. But what caused the crash? Was lilhogan drunk driving? The whole story seems slimy to me - that whole hogan family is a bit sleezy. A bit?

Touching website

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Falcon) — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 01:42:00 +0000

Here is a beautiful personal look into one man's journal of his remaining days with his father. Appropriately named 'days with my father.com', Phillip Toledano shares his joy and sadness with his father and thoughts of his mother, passed.

The photos are deeply moving and captivating. It's a great idea for people that are connected and bonded with family. I, unfortunately, will be creating no memorable touching journal of my parents, other than my occasional rant to vent, hence 'down, write blog.' My first entry post here was a rant about growing up with a drunken mess of a mother.

It suits me better to walk through the memories of other nice, normal families.

Daughters with Attitude

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Falcon) — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 23:59:00 +0000

12yr old daughters are demon seed incarnate. She is making my blood boil, she is spreading evil vibes throughout the house, she has a sharp, smart ass split tongue and I swear I saw her head turn around and split pea soup ooze from her pie hole.

She's too smart and too grown up for my own good, for my sanity. It's been just the two of us for nearly 13yrs and she learned early on how to be incredibly independent. Of course, every little girl still needs her mamma; and if you have read any of my previous posts about my mom, you'll know I am trying hard to make up for her dangerous, inhumane lack of mothering. For the most part, my daughter and I are super. We're just going through normal adolescent, well, what's the word, HELL!

Since my daughter is 12 going on 30, she has lost any concept of that grey area between mother and daughter, the hierarchy. I can't blame it on her. I have probably subconsciously erased it, since my mother was such a tyrant, control freak, loud mouth bitch. My daughter kina treats me like a roommate, until she can turn on the sweetness when she wants something. No, that's exaggerating; she is genuinely lovey and sweet to me out of the blue for no reason. But lately, it's more negotiating and bossiness than just well mannered daughter.

It is now 5p.m., and I asked her this morning to do the dishes and straighten up the kitchen. First she wanted to negotiate with me that she expects extra allowance money then, because washing the dishes is not one of her jobs. My response to that was, I took a few steps over to the fridge, went down her list of chores and said out loud, "The clean dishes being put away: I've been the one doing that, you haven't been on top of that, I am the only one cleaning up the desk and you are on the computer a lot too, I have been the only one feeding the pets, and that is your chore, you haven't been cleaning the bathroom regularly, and you haven't been giving the dog a bath once a week. The only chore on your list that you are doing regularly is cleaning your room, and even that, I have to tell you to do it."

She huffed and puffed and here comes the split pea soup. Naa, just kidding. But, as I typed that out, I see where I can improve that chore list on the fridge in a better way to help all of us and save some confusion and time.

Besides the list we've got currently, we need to have a checkoff for the days of the week, so we can see at a glance when they are actually done. It will help her feel more accomplished if she can go back after the chore and actually check them off.
COOL, DONE!

Still, several times throughout the day, I have reminded her to please get the dishes done. Even though that is not one of her regular chores(putting the washed dishes away is her chore, it's my job to wash them, I wish I had a dishwasher!)
I told her I would not be paying her extra, she just needs to do it since she has been slacking on a few other things around the house.

A little before 5p.m. I see that she is starting the dishes, cool! I say to her in a very nice, playful way, "Ahh cool, you're starting it now." She replied to me with some G-d awful, snippy, attitude crap that just thinking about it ticks me off. I absolutely did not need that, after waiting all day for her to do the dishes and I was genuinely thrilled to see her doing it and she gives me lip.

I lost it. I lost my temper only with angry tone, but I really wanted swat her ass. She must have got mad that I was speaking up for myself and not tolerating the attitude because she stopped doing the dishes and pulled more attitude. Arguing in my face about how I was rude to her first. I don't EEEEEVEN want to go there, so I sent her to her room.

Now, she's hanging out in her own little sanctuary of peace and I am fuming.
OK, I'll get over it. Welcome to raising a teenager . . . . . . . .
(image, googled 'dirty dishes', that IS NOT my kitchen :-)

Shopping does a body good

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Falcon) — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 20:22:00 +0000

Sometimes feeling blue means you just gotta get a new outfit! I discovered this site, KiKi's Fashions.com. There are so many cute tops and maternity too!

I love the cheeky trendy materials and style. Starting from $9.99, you can get a lot of great looks and free shipping with $75 or more in purchases. My 12yr daughter just snuck up behind me while I was reviewing the site to blog about, and she squeeled, "Oh My G-d! These are so awesome! What are you shopping mom?" Well, I guess I'd better bookmark this site in my 'shopping' file. KiKi's rotates their inventory often, so I'll be checking back regularly for fun new tops.

I am overdue for some great new looks and KiKi's Fashions has the looks I love. Too bad I'm not preggo, there's fabulous maternity clothes too. Rock a sweet and sexy look, even though you're carrying another little body. KiKi's Fashions delivers pregnancy with style.

.

Peanut is sad and clingy, he misses his brother Whitey

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Falcon) — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 03:53:00 +0000

The impact of losing Whitey is hitting us. His litter mate, brother, 'Peanut' is taking it hard . Peanut follows me everywhere. Here, Peanut is with me at my desk, he hasn't chose that spot to hang out in over a year. It is a blessing we still have their mamma, 'Pony'.

Peanut has been mow-mowing that long, loud, mournful mowww around the yard and house. He is looking for his brother. One good sign though, Peanut is turning clingy and seeking out lovies rather than slipping into unhealthy depression, it seems.

Peanut, being a big slug of a 25lb fatty, has always slumbered a lot, but he seems to be sleeping a bit more now. It doesn't take much attention to get him smiling again though. I am sure he'll be just fine.

His mother, on the other hand, is getting sick of her big fat son pestering her, and she doesn't seem to miss Whitey, maybe she does in here own way. Pony has always been a very independent mamma cat. She seeks out the lovies on her own terms. Here, Pony poses for a perfect pic.

It's a difficult time right now, because as the days go by, I realize he's not coming back. But then again, it's a CAT, they wander, he may just show up at the front door someday. It's sad seeing Peanut so clingy. He was always lovie, all my cats are, but he was such a tomboy and the brothers were inseparable. He is missing his Whitey so much and to hear him crying outloud and looking around, it's heartbreaking. I hope Peanut will come to terms with losing his brother soon.

Here, Peanut and his human mommy waste and afternoon on the couch. We were missing Whitey and dwelling on it. Our bellies are in body building competition. I hope Peanut wins. I'd rather lose the battle of the belly bulge. Peanut's looks pretty plump!

True Stories of Dreams come true

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Falcon) — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 23:30:00 +0000

Today will be tribute to Whitey day.

If you are not familiar with the ongoing mini-drama, Whitey is one of our cats and he has been missing a few days now. I have posted only a little bit about him in the last few days, hoping he would turn up and I didn't want to get carried away with needless worry. It's past worry time, and I think it's mourning time.

Whitey came to me in a dream. I have had these type of dreams before and they are always true. In fact, this is a good time to reveal a great true story that happened to me too. I'll get to that later.

In this dream, I was sitting in an unfamiliar backyard. I have never been there before and I have never seen anything like it. (I have had several out of body experiences, and that reminds me of another true story I'll share, that helps to substantiate the truth of my experiences. Of course, it's all hogwash to you:-)

In the dream, Whitey came to me through a crack in the fence, a board missing along a fence line between neighbors' back yards. I was sitting on a lawn chair, facing the fence and here crawled Whitey, between the boards, carrying a plump, dark kitten in his mouth. I was startled to see him. Even in my dream, I knew he had been missing and I was happy to see him. The happy feeling soon turned to realization.

I scooped him and the kitten up. I held Whitey in my arms and he turned from his gorgeous looking self, into (what I believe) is his current body/corpse state. His fur was rubbed off and raw in many places all over him. His head was rubbed raw on the top and there were two, very distinct raw marks where, my dreamstate mind knew instantly, he had been caught up under a car, somehow, and been dragged to death, on accident.
I think this must have happened and that is why he has been missing.

He was in shock and it was obviously a traumatic event! (if my dream was right, which they usually are) And, like many traumatic, untimely deaths, the victim is not always even aware they are dead. I think this is why it took Whitey a few days to appear to me in a dream. He finally realized he had passed to the other side, then he knew to come to me to let me know what happened.

I think the unfamiliar yard I was in, in the dream, must have been a neighbor's yard, and maybe where his unfortunate fatal disaster began. I'll never know the real story, the whole story, but as I said, my dreams have been true before.

Now to the revealing true stories!

A long long time ago, I used to be a cocktail waitress. One night, after hours, a few of us were hanging out and I shouldn't be driving home! So, I rode with and stayed at a girl friend's house. I had never been there before.

She shared a home with some roommates, so there wasn't really extra place for me to sleep, so I stayed with her in her room. (get your head out of the gutter, it doesn't go there)
In the morning, she asked how I slept. I told her I felt exhausted, that I was dreaming that I was wandering all night through a labyrinth of huge stacks of newspapers and magazines. I kept walking all around, trying to find a way out of the maze!

Her eyes were really big and her mouth was dropped open. She knew I had never been to her house before. Since I was in her bed, she knew I didn't get up in the middle of the night and sleep walk. Her door was shut, and the door she was about to show me was shut.

We left her room and she opened a door to the next room on the other side of the wall from her. It was full of very tall stacks of newspapers and magazines. So tall, above our heads and it was all arranged in a narrow maze of pathes throughout the room.
She said one of the roommates, the owner of the house, it was all his stuff.....

~ ~ ~

This next story is similarly freakishly revealing.
Another job I was cocktailing at (not at the same time) was at a mexican restaurant that was adjacent to an apartment building complex I lived in years ago in Santa Clara, California.

One night, after my beloved cat, Reenee [reeee neeeee] passed away, I had a dream about her. In this dream, she approached me as I was walking deep in a forest. Sunshine was filtering through the tall evergreens of California's Redwood forest.

She ran up to me and shouted at me over and over, she was relentless. I knew she was yelling at me to follow her. As soon as I intuitively knew to follow her, she turned to lead me through the woods. As I followed her, she went faster and faster. She was letting me know, telepathically, she couldn't wait to show me something very important.

The trek was long, but I saw brilliant sunshine ahead. Suddenly the forest opened up to the most beautiful vast meadow. There were hundreds, if not thousands of cats everywhere.
Reenee was telling me that she was OK in heaven and that it is one of her "jobs" to help other kitties cross over and find their way to heaven when or if they are unsure they had even crossed over. Reenee was also yelling/mowing at me again. She had more to tell me.

She yelled and yelled and so I got down to her level, to sit with her and pet her and all the so many other cats. But the other cats were in a wide circumference around me. Reenee didn't bring me there to see all those other cats. She brought me there for a very specific purpose and one very specific cat.

A weak, mongrel of a cat jumped on my back. I scooped it up. It was a tiger cat with a white chin and four white paws. It was pathetic looking. The eyes were sunken in, the coat was dull and falling out. I had never seen this cat before in my life. This cat was surely dead and here in heaven with Reenee, but why is she still yelling at me?

Reenee kept yelling and mowing and staring at me in my eyes so intent. I didn't get what she was trying to say, other than she has a job there and she needs my help somehow from me, where I am. I didn't get it.

The next day, I definitely remembered that very vivid dream. I thought about it a lot throughout the day. Then early evening came and it was time for me to head off to the restaurant. It was a quick 2 minute walk on the other side of my apartment complex.

As I approached the front of the restaurant, I could barely make out something small sitting on the front steps. As I approached, I was amazed. It was that SAME mongrel of a cat, just sitting there, waiting for me. It was obviously a stray, ferrel cat, but it didn't budge, it wasn't frightened of me at all.

I told the manager I needed to be a bit late. I scooped up that cat and took it home to wait for me after work. I named him "Angel" because I knew, for sure, he was the same cat that Reenee had revealed to me in the dream of her from heaven.
Then, I knew what she was trying to tell me. It was her job to help the cats cross over, but somehow she knew to get me to help relieve his suffering. He must have been in and out of conscousness and she ran to get my help.

The next day, I took that cat to the vet. The vet said it was suffering terribly from feline leukemia and the best thing to do was to put it down. I knew that was exactly what we were supposed to do and Reenee communicated that to me and she let Angel know I was on my way. That is why he was waiting on those steps as I approached work. How incredible.

~ ~ ~

As I was writing these dreams, it reminded me of a third I want to share. When my daughter was a baby, I had a boxer named Hans. When I took him to the vet for his first 8week checkup, I walked in and when the vet saw this little boxer, he said, "Oh boy, a boxer. Well, I need to tell you right away, you'll be lucky if he lives to be 10." At first I thought that was a bit harsh, but he went on to explain.

He was raised with boxers. He's had many, but many of them have a lot of problems. Boxers are prone to cancer and heart disease. Hans had both, and more. Hans only lived to be 2 1/2yrs. He was very very sick. When he did pass, it was fast.

One night, he also came to me in a dream. He too was surrounded by many many dogs. He sat there, very regal (as he always did) and just wanted to let me know he was ok. In that dream, I balled and balled, I cried so much, I even cried in my sleep, real tears.

Hans was my favorite dog (sshh, don't tell the others) When I hugged him, in that dream, I could smell him, and feel his warm, broad, strong chest and beating heart on mine. I knew he was healthy and strong in heaven. Hans had a knack for keeping other dogs in line, on their best behavior, at the dog park. He never bit another dog, ever. He would break up fights and he had a gift for spotting when something was about to happen and he would put his body in between dogs and somehow, he would defuse the situation. He was the dog park police, people used to get a kick out of it.

In that dream, with him sitting there so regal and surrounded by all those dogs, he let me know he was doing his job in heaven too, keeping everything in check. After that dream, seeing him, holding him, smelling him and feeling his warmth, I never saw him again, but I'll never forget that dream. Just like the other dreams of the cats.

What these dreams have in common is that all my pets were sharing with me that they are ok, they have jobs to do and they are all caretakers. The kitten that Whitey was carrying in his mouth through the fence? - I never saw that kitten before, he must have been letting me know that he takes care of the little ones that pass suddenly, to help them, because he knows how traumatic it is to pass suddenly. Besides, Whitey always loved little kittens. Whitey was the most lovey dovey male cat. I miss him terribly.

~ ~ ~

Whitey sleepy

Peanut & Whitey, brothers

Silly Whitey!

Peanut

Their Mamma, Pony

Pony poses

Flippin Fun

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Falcon) — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 02:48:00 +0000

When I'm down n feeling blue, sometimes I need a good laugh, sometimes I need to vent and just flip someone off.
(naaaa I don't do that)
But a combination of the two is a great cocktail.
Here's just what the doctor ordered.
Check out these great pics from ebaum's world.