For decades it’s been true that money problems are the number one cause behind divorce. Money problems have a way of eating away at the core of a relationship and creating anger, fear, and bitterness between partners.

However, arguing over money and debt is only a symptom of a deeper problem in a marriage. Money has a unique way of exposing the struggle for control and competing values between a husband and wife.  If you are facing overwhelming debt at the moment realize that the two of you made a series of decisions to spend more than you earned (unless your debt is due to a medical calamity, lawsuit, or financial crisis beyond your control).

First, both of you need to confess to God and each other your decision to spend more than you made was a sin. There are legitimate reasons to incur debt (such as the purchase of house with a mortgage). However, consumer debt is usually the result of trying to acquire things we cannot afford or live beyond our means. Both of you need to ask the Lord to forgive you for failing to be content with what God provides.

Next, you should reach out to qualified and godly financial counselors for advice. Crown Ministries and other Christian-based ministries can help you sort through your financial problems and respond with solid biblical wisdom. In many cases your consumer debt can be drastically reduced without bankruptcy by working through a certified debt reduction agency. These people are able to negotiate directly with your creditors to settle your debt for 60% or less on the dollar. The result is you can break free from the stranglehold of escalating interest, late payments, and harassing phone calls from creditors.

Finally, you need to forgive each other for the wrong choices you made. Rather than assigning blame, commit from this point forward to honor the Lord with the first fruits of your income, to live within your means, and to pay off your creditors as God allows. Money problems can actually be an opportunity in disguise. It can be the catalyst to restore self-discipline in your life and straighten out distorted values. If handled properly resolving money issues can help your marriage gain a new sense of teamwork and oneness.

One of the common unforeseen consequences of a second marriage is the difficulties that occur when each mate brings a child or children with them from their first marriage. It’s quite common for tensions and disagreements in a blended family to erupt over who should discipline whom, and how much discipline is called for.

It’s important for both mates to realize that a step parent will rarely be seen, at least at first (or even ever), in the same light as the children see their biological parent. That’s only natural since the children spent a significant portion of their life with both biological parents before their parents’ marriage ended. There is the heart of every child a God-given longing for the original parents to be together, even if the reality is both are now in new marriages.

This calls for showing tremendous empathy, understanding, and patience on the part of both of you. Children are in a grieving process, and one predictable element of that process is anger. Anger can take the form of talking back, refusing to follow directions, and even outright rejection of the new step parent.

It’s our conviction that the biological parent should be the primary disciplinarian in a blended family. Children are much more likely to respond to and receive correction from their parent of origin than the relatively new stranger in their life. That does not mean children should be allowed to act out or engage in defiant behavior toward their new step parent. Scripture calls for all children to show proper respect toward all adults, regardless of the family relationship. Therefore the biological parent should step in and stop blatant displays of disrespect when they occur.

Remember, as a step parent you are going to have to win the heart of your step children before you gain their respect. Therefore the more love, patience, kindness, gentleness, long-suffering, and self-control (see Galatians 5 for the entire list of attributes that will win your child’s heart) you display the sooner the day will arrive when they respond in genuine acceptance and love and obedience. There’s an old adage to raising children that applies here:  rules without relationships produces rebellion.

Take the time to approach your stepchild as a caring adult and friend, rather than as the disciplinarian and taskmaster, and you’ll discover your rules with coupled with a loving relationship produces genuine heart response.

We often have an image of what ideal spiritual leadership ought to look like in our marriage, particularly for our husband. When the reality doesn’t fit our image we quickly find ourselves struggling with disappointment, lack of fulfillment, even anger. It’s important to remember the Bible doesn’t prescribe the exact methods of providing spiritual leadership in a marriage as much as it does general principles to use.

The basic principle of spiritual leadership is husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church (5:25-27). One of the clearest ways Jesus showed His love for His Bride, the Church, was by praying for on their behalf (see John chapter 17). Paul also explains husbands are to wash their wives in the Word, meaning we are to read or share the Scriptures with our spouse on a continual basis.

 
Husbands who feel uncomfortable praying out loud can start by simply holding hands with their wife and praying silently (Gary Chapman’s excellent suggestion). Start small – with perhaps just 30 seconds of silent prayer. Over time your husband will likely gain confidence and one day try praying short prayers out loud. It’s important that all along you show patience and not judge your husband because he isn’t as verbally confident as you are.

 
Another suggestion is buying a devotional book and reading a page a day together. We have written Marriage Minutes: Inspirational Readings You Can Share With Your Spouse, just for this purpose. (It’s available to order on-line at www.marriagevine.com.) Your husband can simply read one page a day and doesn’t need to say anything beyond that. Such a devotional book provides structure, content, and a comfortable way for him to lead the two of you in devotions together. There are also numerous on-line ministries that offer monthly or quarterly devotionals that give you both the opportunity to share 5 minutes of Scripture reading and prayer together each day (see Today in the Word at www.moody.edu for one such resource).

 
Finally, there are numerous audio downloads available on the Internet that you two can listen to together at no cost. For example http://www.biblegateway.com has the entire Bible on audio download available to hear at the click of a mouse. The two of you can sit together and listen to one or two chapters of Scripture read to you in a meaningful fashion. The end result is again, you have had devotions together without creating a threatening situation for your husband.

 
Wives, may we suggest you compliment your husband for each small step they take? He doesn’t need to preach like Peter or pray like Paul, as the old spiritual goes, for you to show your respect and gratitude. Let your husband be himself taking small steps he feels comfortable with and then express your genuine appreciation. It will draw out the best in him and encourage his role as spiritual leader in your home.

Nagging is, at its root, profoundly disrespectful. A nagger acts like a parent, insulting a partner’s intelligence (or at least his “hearing”) and policing his behavior, making sure he minds. A nagger also indulges in an unhealthy attitude of entitlement. You assume your spouse has no say in when or how high he or she should jump when you issue the command.

If you’re the nagger, try some of these strategies.

• Acknowledge any arrogance or insensitivity that has colored your approach to your spouse.
• Reject the expectation that your spouse will always fulfill your desires immediately. Use your imagination to think of legitimate reasons why your spouse may be unable to respond to your request right now. Give your heart a spiritual adjustment, remembering Jesus’ intent “not to be served, but to serve.”
• Value your spouse’s input. Maybe your spouse has valid reasons for not acting on your “suggestions.” Be open to seeing things from his or her perspective because “two are better than one” in the long run.
• Stop repeating yourself. Learn to state your needs, and practice receiving your spouse’s response graciously—even if the response doesn’t fully address what you asked for.
• Put your needs in God’s hands. If your spouse’s first response is disappointing, pray about it. Give God time to work in your spouse’s life apart from your nagging. Make it a matter of faith.

If You’re the Naggee

It’s easier to admit being the naggee, but that doesn’t let you off the hook. If you’re on the receiving end of the nagging, you may have developed a pattern of avoidance. You might find it easier to withdraw from the conversation, or to ignore your spouse, than to establish true adult-to-adult respect. But by not acknowledging your spouse’s request, you’re minimizing it. You’re sending this message: “I don’t respect you enough to address your need or to give you honest and sincere answers.”

Many naggees, oddly enough, endure nagging for years without openly challenging it. Why? As long as it goes on, they can blame the nagger. They can hang onto the resentment they feel when their spouses go ahead and make decisions without them. Have you allowed the nagging to go on without doing anything to solve the problem?

If you are a naggee, you can stop the destructive teeter-tottering.

• Examine yourself for any fear or reluctance to engage in legitimate confrontation with your spouse. Do you avoid forging solutions so you can escape the tensions that might arise?
• Search your own attitudes for hidden anger or bitterness. Do you lash back inside even though you don’t do so verbally?
• If you find you are angry or resentful of your spouse’s nagging, pray for the courage and poise to express your anger lovingly and truthfully. Be specific about which of your spouse’s words and actions created your negative feelings.

Answer: We’re all tempted to nag now and then. I’ve been known to follow my wife around the house demanding that she remember the amount of a missing check or a recent cash withdrawal. I figure if I just repeat the question enough she’ll remember. (I’ve also been known to discover that I wrote the missing check.)

There are two big nagging myths to debunk. First, that nagging is an exclusively feminine fault. Both men and women engage in this annoying practice (though generally speaking, many women prefer nagging while many men prefer stonewalling as a negative communication tool – both are bad for a marriage).

The second myth? That nagging is the exclusive fault of the nagger. The truth is that while one spouse may be more prone to find fault with the other, both partners share responsibility. Nagging is a lot like that spiteful teeter-totter game grade school kids play at recess. When I was that age, if there was underlying hostility between you and your seesawing partner, one of you would push off the ground with all your might. When done correctly, it propelled the person at the other end of the plank as hard as possible straight into the pavement. And it almost always resulted in your partner returning the favor.

In marriage, the seesaw duel looks more like this: Mary asks Ted to do something he doesn’t want to do—at least not right now. So he responds by pretending not to hear Mary’s request, or by offering an unsatisfactory answer like “Yeah, I’ll get to it later . …”

Mary repeats her request, accentuating each syllable to increase dramatic effect. Ted, feeling put upon (and put down), doesn’t respond.

Infuriated, Mary resorts to rapid repetitions of her demand. Ted, observing Mary’s agitation and frustration, indulges in a moment of carefully concealed delight. Her ridiculous behavior makes him feel, momentarily, morally superior. For a passive-aggressive personality, this is a moment of supreme triumph.

Both the nagger and the “naggee” play an essential role in keeping this destructive game going. So if there’s a whole lotta naggin’ goin’ on at your house, consider what role you’re playing.

How can you stop this feeling of being emptied by your spouse?

First, you must realize that while you can support your depressed spouse, you cannot save them from their depression. The roots of depression often go deep back into their childhood. Other times they are based on hormonal or chemical imbalances that are immune to our supportive talk or caring gestures. Occasionally, depression is caused by your mate’s spiritual bitterness toward people in the past or beyond your current circle of influence. Whatever the case, don’t take it on yourself to personally carry your spouse out of depression. It’s virtually impossible and will empty you in the process.

Second, remember that pleasing God and not your spouse is your first priority in life. Thankfully, God’s grace, support and presence are available to us each and every day. We don’t have to try and change His mood or get Him to cheer up to experience His intimacy or joy. Nor do we have to walk on egg-shells or act artificially happy to find new strength and refreshment at the well of His salvation each day. The Psalmist David rejoiced how God filled Him each and every day, “My cup runs over…” If your focus is on renewing your relationship with God each day, rather than trying to prop up your depressed spouse, you’ll find strength and grace to face each day.

Finally, keep in mind that Jesus, not you, is the ultimate answer to your spouse’s depression. Not all depression is spiritual in nature, but even that which is rooted in emotional loss or trauma can be touched by the healing hand of Christ. “He restores my soul…” David wrote in the 23^rd Psalm. Depression often has its roots in events your spouse experienced years ago. Lead your mate in a simple prayer and have them ask Jesus a simple question, “Where were you when this happened to me?” “Do you care about my pain? Would you speak peace and healing to my heart right now?” Often, a spouse will discover the reality of the wonderful promises of Scripture in such a moment, “I will never leave you nor forsake you…” Realizing Jesus has always been present and caring for them, even during their darkest pain, may lead to an emotional breakthrough.

We were meant to fill each other’s hearts in marriage, not drain one another. By not trying to rescue our partner but seeking to please God each day, and by encouraging our spouse to bring their pain to Jesus in prayer, we can see dramatic changes take place — both in us and our spouse.

The person asking me will often go on to say, “I’ve been trying for years to hold on to this marriage. I’ve prayed and hoped and worked but nothing has changed. When is enough, enough?”

There’s always a great deal of pain, frustration, and hopelessness behind such a question. Let’s face it. Some difficult spouses simply don’t feel the need to change or care enough to change. That usually leaves the other person carrying the whole freight for the marriage.

In some religious traditions there is a patron saint for lost causes. Well, I don’t embrace the idea of saints in that sense of the word, but I do like the idea of being a person who holds on and keeps believing when everyone else says to call it quits. This is particularly true in marriage. Why? God designed and wills the relationship to last a lifetime. Jesus said, “What God has joined together, let not man separate.”

So how do discouraged and worn-out spouses continue to believe and work on their marriage when it seems a lost cause?

First, as Emerson Eggerich points out, if you are a wife you should continue express and demonstrate respect for your husband. You may be hard pressed to find anything to respect about him at the moment, but remember, your husband is made in the image of God (Genesis 1-2). You can always respect that.

If you are a husband, continue to express and demonstrate love for your wife. She, too, is made in the image of God. A continual barrage of well-aimed respectful or loving gestures can wear down even the most hardened heart.

Second, be patient. God’s timetable and our timetable in life for change seldom match. Furthermore, God is at work in your spouse’s life even if you can see no evidence of it. Jesus said in the Gospel of John, “I am working and my Father is working.” If God makes you wait to see change, it’s likely because He’s also at work changing you. He’s teaching you the infinitely precious character traits of faith and hope.

Finally, as Gary Chapman suggests, ask your hopeless spouse the most difficult question you may ever utter, “Sweetheart, what are two things I can change in my life that would make me an easier person to live with?”

Chances are they will have two suggestions where you can start right then and there. In humility, thank them for their help then go to work on those two areas. Your willingness to examine your own life and change will eventually get to them. They may even ask you the same question some day.

And that will be the day you will be glad you never gave up.

Prescription: It’s not uncommon when couples are struggling with their marriage to wonder if you made the right choice when you got married. Doubts such as these are normal and natural and are usually temporary in nature and pass on. There are clearly situations in Scripture where we are told not to marry certain people (such as the result of an adulterous affair or where one person is a believer and the other is not). Assuming that’s not the case, let’s look at how you can put an end to the nagging idea you married the wrong person.

You can find peace of mind and relief from your stress by going back to one of the most basic teachings of the Bible: God is in control of our lives (the technical word is sovereignty). That means nothing happens in life without God’s permission or ultimate say in the matter. Let’s get to the place where the Bible speaks directly to your worry that you married the wrong person found in Genesis chapter 2, “Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and He brought her to the man (verse 22).” Did you catch that? God Himself fashioned, designed, and created the very first wife for the very first man. The Creator of the Universe created the very first woman exactly with Adam in mind (and vice versa).

Which brings me to my first prescription: Stop repeating the thought you married the wrong person and instead three times a day thank God for creating the person you married just as He did. You can relax and take comfort in the fact that God, in His infinite wisdom and love, designed and fashioned the person you married with you in mind (and vice versa).

This leads me to my second prescription: Whenever you are assaulted by doubts that you married the wrong person, stop and repeat these simple words, “And God brought her to the man.” Do this each and every time you struggle with doubts and you will find yourself looking at your mate in a whole way. “So this really is the person God had in mind in me…” will replace the ugly and discouraging thought you are mismatched and in the wrong marriage. Again, the basic biblical truth behind this prescription for peace of mind is this: God is sovereign. That means He is in complete control of all the events of our lives, including who you married.

Even if you are going through a difficult time in your relationship, you can rest in the fact Jesus Christ is directing the course of your lives – past, present and future.

Pastor Bob Moeller is not a licensed psychologist or marriage therapist. He is a Pastor-at-Large with MarriageVine Ministries, a ministry designed to help couples remain consistently in the vine of Jesus Christ. If you need professional help for your marriage you should seek certified professional assistance.