Dr BubbaHump Speaks The Truth

Lesbians dig accents, Lilo turns down the bunny ears. Tonight on the Hump!

2008-09-07T18:59:00.000-04:00

Heidi Ho folks, Doc B here
Well , that was a close one. Were it not for my faithful pets, I would not be living on God’s green earth right now. They saved my life,...again. I’ll elaborate in an upcoming post, but now, without further ado, here’s the news.

But first.
“Censors tend to do what only psychotics do: they confuse reality with illusion.”
David Cronenberg.

What do you say to an exposed nipple?

While I was away, the puritan nature of the U.S. censors reared its ugly head again. Actress Eva Mendes had a commercial she shot for Calvin Klein pulled from American airwaves. Whatever could have been so offensive that the censors felt they had to step in?
“Eva revealed: “I was rolling around in bed for the commercial spot and I had a little situation.
“One of my girls (boobs) wanted to say hello... “
Hi, how are you doing? ........There, was that so hard? Being polite. The friendly little nipple only wanted to say Hi. There is absolutely nothing unusual about it. I’m greeted by nipples all day long, everywhere I go. Some say hello, others are just getting a little sun. Some are slightly claustrophobic, while others seem to be giving directions. Still there’s no cause to fear them, or be offended by them. They are benevolent, and they mean us no harm.
Eva went on to explain just how.. her nipple happened to greet the camera.
"Basically, I had a nipple slippage and it made the commercial cut because it was so natural and so beautiful and it was very quick”.
I like this girl. She’s got beautiful nipples and she’s proud of it. So many of today’s young stars suffer from low self esteem caused by nipple- phobic disorder, or L.S.N.P.D., as the shrinks like to call it. Some (i.e. Janet Jackson) feel insecure, or in-adequate about the appearance of their nipples and will self- mutilate themselves by piercing holes in them and attaching gaudy trinkets, or large ornaments to hang off them. Much like a Christmas tree. But I digress. Back to Eva and her friendly nipple. The censors pulled the ad. Even though her nipple had been most genial, and even by Eva’s own admission, beautiful, they still pulled the ad. It all just seems so... un-American, doesn’t it?........Very puzzling.
Eva laments the hypocrisy of it all, "We can show guns everywhere and stuff but we can't show a woman's nipple - that's a bit backwards to me.” ............................Nuff said!
Source here

Lilo Passes Up Honour

With Playboys big anniversary coming up, you’d think they would be after some big name, a big catch to appear in the mag. But no, it would appear the magazine has gone slumming.
'To mark Playboy's 55th anniversary in January, the magazine has approached Lindsay Lohan about doing a nude pictorial, Access Hollywood has confirmed"
. Lilo! Are you kidding me?! Lindsay freakin lesbian Lohan! Talk about setting the bar low huh. I guess they couldn’t get that noted sex siren, Amy Winehouse eh. Memo to Hef; Try selecting someone whose body we haven’t already seen half a dozen times.
Anyhow, this was the reply they received “She’d be happy to do the cover, but no nudity,” Lohan’s rep told Access.
Ouch! Shot down in flames by a used up, never was starlet whose only claim to fame nowadays is her lesbian relationship with a homelier Robert Downey JR lookalike. That’s got to hurt.
Yes indeed, these are hard times for Playboy. When Lilo turns down $ 700 000 to appear in your magazine even though she could really use the scratch, you should come to realize you are no longer relevant.
Hmm... I’m a little bit shocked that Lindsay didn’t jump at the opportunity. Perhaps she has become more selective about her career choices, but I think she was miffed that Playboy didn’t offer her a $ million dollars. So who should Playboy set their sights on next? I’ve got an idea of who they should go after. The lovely Eva Mendes and her friendly nipples, that’s who. Source here

Eureka

It seems Elizabeth Banks , star of Kevin Smith's "Zack and Miri Make a Porno," has a beef with the censors.
Better get in line sister.

She says, “There’s nothing worse in 'Zack and Miri' than there was in 'Saw II,' and that got an R rating . . . If I cut your throat and blood spews all over my face, it's an R. But if we have a lovely time together and you spew something else on my face, it's an NC-17.”
What does she mean by a lovely time? Does she mean going sailing? And what would I be spewing? Champagne? I’m confused. She’s so vague. What lovely situation would I be in where I would be spewing something? And what would I spew? Popcorn? Reese’s pieces? Corn? Sautéed caramel mushrooms? What!!!??? Tell me! Bad f**king language? Hatred? Bodily fluids? Vile.....hey wait a minute. Bodily fluids. That’s it! It’s c#m! I get it! I get it!...............Eewwww! Source here

Headlines that Scream Hilarity

Police say Gary Coleman involved in accident : They let him go after he said, Whatcha talking bout Willis? It’s still comic gold.

Madonna dedicates 'Like a Virgin' to pope : (sigh) Will everyone please tell Madonna that we haven’t (unfortunately) forgotten her, so she can stop trying so hard now.

Jessica Simpson sings at Grand Ole Opry: And this just in: pigs can fly

David Spade fathers Playboy pinup’s baby: She’s 61 years old, but all the gentlemen at Sunny Meadows rest home were trying to land her, so congrats David.

Helen Mirren: I used to ‘love’ cocaine :she sorta still does, but the magic is gone

Oprah in talks to guest star on ‘30 Rock’ : Guest star! Must be a typo.

Jessica Simpson to put acting career on hold : Thanks god for answering my prayers. Now how about that bigger pecker,... Huh!

Tidbits: Britney admits her father saved her life : He saved her a fortune by switching to Afflack

Scoop: Tim Gunn calls Miley Cyrus ‘tarty’ : Geez what a potty mouth on this f**king doucebag

Scoop: Will new ‘Idol’ judge cover for absent Paula?: Cover for Paula? I doubt it, those are pretty big pill bottles to fill

Tidbits: Lindsay Lohan weighs in on Bristol Palin : Finally! An informed opinion

Tidbits: Hartnett’s accidental sex tape : Gee I hope the tape doesn't feel unwanted growing up
Source here

Pop Culture Update

17 mins into the MTV music video awards and nothing’s happened. They’ve got nothing. Russell Brand makes me pine for Ryan Seacrest’s witty banter. It’s official, the MTV mva’s are dead. Switching over to Showcase now.

With Love, From Mom

Is it too late for nominations for Mom of the Year? If not, I nominate Lynne Spears. A woman who really protects her children, and has earned their trust. So to help out all the loser moms worldwide, Lynne has written a book chronicling her experiences in raising her children. Here’s an excerpt; “In a tell-all book, Spears' mother, Lynne, reveals her daughter surrendered her chastity to a high school football stud when she was just 14.
Hmmm....I’m sure that must be an interesting chapter, most likely an examination of how to score with the right crowd. High school can be very trying if you don’t run with the in crowd. Besides, what are you going to do; kids misbehave every now and then. I’m sure that was the only hiccup that occurred with Britney. “Mama Spears, 53, also dishes that the pop icon took a liking to booze when she was a 13-year-old Mouseketeer and began experimenting with drugs at 15.
By age 16, Britney's wild-child behavior stunned her family when she was caught with cocaine and marijuana on a private jet, Lynn Spears claims”. .............Doh! ....I rescind my nomination! Source here

F**k Me Pumps

Congratulations Rachel Weisz, you are Hollywood’s sexiest woman.
“Actress Rachel Weisz has topped a poll of Hollywood’s sexiest women, voted by lesbians”.
Oh, ....by lesbians....well that’s still nice. It might give one pause the next time they’re changing at the gym however, but it’s all good. The other big winners in the top 10 were Nicole Kidman, Minnie Driver, Kate Winslet, Naomi Watts, Keira Knightley, Thandie Newton, Emily Blunt, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Cate Blanchett. Hmmm.... did you folks happen to notice anything peculiar about that list? All the women on the list have accents. They are all British or Australian.............Yup even though they are lesbians,...chicks still dig accents. Somewhere, right about now, Hugh Grant is shaving his legs while trying to decide which skirt to wear with his f**k me pumps. Source here

Portrait of a crazy psycho bitch ex-girlfriend/wife

Denise Richards flickering flame of fame is beginning to wane. (Say that 10 times really fast.) You can?
Show-off! Anyhow, Denise must be feeling a lower tax bracket coming her way because she appears to be chasing after Richie Sambora again.
“Insiders say Denise started phoning and texting Richie nonstop, begging him to rekindle their romance, and he talked to her patiently at first – telling her he’s just not interested, and has a new relationship cooking”. Translation: Get away from me you lying, crazy-assed, psycho bitch! And no you cannot have some of my sperm! Hmmm...I wonder what her next move will be? ......Ooh ooh, I know,... the old fake suicide attempt. In her mind, it makes perfect sense, and is completely justifiable. Then again, she is bat-sh*t crazy! Source here

Well thats all folks, I gotta go clean up the dead raccoons in my bed...............It’s a long story, don’t ask.
Doc B. Gone baby gone

Madonna Downs Crack Baby: The Forecast for Jamie Lynn Spears; dark clouds ahead.

2008-08-21T18:59:00.000-04:00

Heidi Ho folks, Doc B here.

I want to apologize for my erratic last blog post. Feeling much better now. Here’s the news.

But first.

‘I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure”
Groucho Marx

Madonna Downs Crack Baby

Want to know what you missed at Madonna's party for her 50th birthday.? Well let me fill you in. The crowd was treated to one after another of the Material girl's past hits (oh joy.), "Crack Baby" shots (served by real live crack whores!), and card tricks by David Blaine (they weren't really tricks, but Blaine acted like they were. You stare at cards long enough, they look like they're moving!?). Then the guests were treated to a half-hour speech from Madonna while her daughter Lourdes sang happy birthday while playing the piano.
I was invited, and I could've went, but I had a lot a laundry to do. Besides,. I'm politically opposed to the name "Crack Baby" as the name of a liquor shot. It's demeaning and insensitive. Do the right thing people and drink "Aborted Fetuses" shots instead. Source Here

Sunglasses at night

They grow up so fast don't they. Why it seems like it was just yesterday that Jamie Lynn Spears was a bright, young, rising star starring in her own TV show. (Sigh). Then of course, a little accident occurred (whoops!). Better put that show on hold there kid, I don't think this is a story line the producers want to explore. It's baby mama time so you better put your life on hold too. Of course everybody tried to put the best and most positive spin on the whole affair, but come on we are talking about teenage kids here, so there was bound to be some hiccups in the relationship along the way. And be honest folks we all knew this was doomed to begin with, they were saying all the right things while looking through the lenses of their rose colored glasses. However the weather forecast for their relationship calls for a breezy temperature, overcast, but a chance of a 98.7% chance of thunderstorms. So you won't need those rose-colored glasses anymore kids. It's time to see the world through the bleary, red rimmed eyes of a survivor of a bad and ultimately pointless relationship.
So was it any surprise when the rumors started flying about her fiancé Casey two-timing her? I doubt it. Unfortunately they bettor tried holding their breath, or drinking water while standing on their head, because this hiccup doesn't appear to be going away anytime soon. At least, not according to their so called friends and associates. One anonymous source revealed this interesting bit of nuanced opinion on the relationship. If you read between the lines I think you'll get the gist of it despite its coy vagueness around the truth. “Where there’s smoke, there is fire,” says one source who knows the Spears family well. “Although it’s not something Jamie Lynn is discussing, we all have our doubts that their relationship is solid. Definitely if not for (two-month-old daughter) Maddie, Jamie Lynn would have had enough of the stress of this relationship by now.”
See what I mean, this source is trying to beat around the bush, and sugarcoat things, but if you read between the lines I think there are some dark skies ahead in Britney's little sister's happy little fairy tale lie . However I must admit I am sometimes a little cynical.... no, it's true. Really. Perhaps hope still exists after all, at least according to one source who says,
“This family has been through so much,” says the Spears source. “We all really do hope this (relationship) can turn out well, that it can be the fairy tale Jamie Lynn wants. We’ll have to see.”
Yes we will won't we. It could be that I have become just a little jaded folks, maybe I should put some glasses on...... nah. Maybe I'll just buy a rain coat instead. Looks like stormy weather. Source Here

Headlines That Scream Hilarity.

• "Check out over 100 returning shows:" Too late, 99 of them are canceled already, and the remaining one is on the CW so you know it sucks.

• "Meet ‘The Amazing Race 13’ teams": What for? Correct me if Im wrong-- You got an old couple, an estranged couple, a gay couple, yada, yada, yada...

• "Darth Vader — Sith lord, dirty old man?": So thats whos been doing the heavy breathing on the other end of the phone. The long black cape should have been my first clue.

"OMG! It’s The Cheetah Girls’ ‘World’: OMG where did I put my glock?

"Fonz statue gets two thumbs up in Milwaukee": Sadly, the same can’t be said of the Drew Carey monument in Cleveland. You can bid on it on EBay, if you can spare a $1.49.

• "France bans broadcast of TV shows for babies": Apparently they were teaching them bad ideas, like good manners, bathing, etc..etc. Plus, there was no Jerry Lewis content.( Which is mandatory.)

• "Forget swimming ... badminton, anyone?" : Are you kidding? The last time I forgot I nearly drowned! I’m not going anywhere near a shuttlecock.

• "How about Michael Phelps as ‘The Bachelor’?" : Good idea, he needs the exposure .

“Catfight on 'Gossip Girl'!’: Talk about redundant.
Source Here: Source Here

That’s all folks, I gotta go. I want to apologize for my erratic last blog post. Feeling much better now………..better. It’s a relative term,..better. I am better…than yesterday. Feeling much better. The voice in my head says I'm better, so it must be true.........Yes better.

Doc B. Gone baby gone.

A Butane Sky, Wallpaper Willows, And The Secret Sauce. Thank God For Big Macs. Tonight On The Hump!

2008-08-16T23:30:00.000-04:00

Heidi ho folks, Doc B. here.

Saturday night struggle, of mind over body. I wrestle with what must be.. hallucinations. Outside my window is a view of a butane sky lit up in glorious blue and yellow shades. Is this a dream? Inside is no less surreal as the wallpaper is peeling off and hanging in such a way as to resemble a forest of weeping willows. I can no longer move, for wherever I walk, the floorboards below me cry in agony. It’s a painful cry, not unlike a wounded animal. The sound haunts me and I can no longer stand to hear it, so I sit motionless, paralyzed. Bruce is at my feet, where he so often is. He seems to be saying something but I can’t hear him. Those damm floorboards won’t stop their wailing. Their voices are scarring my soul, I can feel it. Bruce is still trying to talk to me,… it seems important. I’m trying now, as hard as I can with every ounce of inner strength that I have left, to hear him. It’s hard, and I’m afraid. The wind has really kicked up in the room, odd, because the window is closed. I don’t want to move, what about the floorboards, what will they say?…. What’s Bruce saying? Can’t quite make it out. The wind is blowing harder now causing the leaves of my wallpaper to rustle loudly. It’s no longer a butane sky outside my window, it seems to be raining now, but not water. A creamy, salmon colored liquid is tap, tap, tapping on the window panes. That’s odd. I smell bacon. What’s Bruce saying?... I must try harder, focusing only on Bruce and tuning everything else out. What’s he saying?...... I think I can almost make it out. Big, I clearly heard him say big. Must… concentrate… harder. Why… am I… talking… like……… Shatner? Doc B., that’s my name, Bruce called me by my name. Oh joy! I came hear him again. I can hear. The view outside my window was returned to normal. I can hear again Bruce, what was it you were trying to tell me? A Big Mac trio… Bruce you’re a godsend. Here’s the news.

But first...

“What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.”
"Augustus Saint-Gaudens"

Headlines that scream hilarity!

Kevin Jonas takes sides in teen-queen feud: He revealed he has a crush on Zac Efron. ( join the club)

Did Jamie Lynn's fiance cheat on her?: OMG-----what if the baby isn’t mine? she screamed.

(Jennifer) Love Hewitt's reasons for slimming: The ghost were making fun of her ass every time she was out of the room. Hmmmm…ghost can be so catty sometimes.

Scoop: Stress is taking toll on Madonna's looks : So is a little thing called Internet. It's hard to be shocking and daring in a world where one can watch a man f**ked to death by a horse, or two girls eating sh*t out of a cup, Madge seems a little bit …quaint.

Elvis fans ignore rain for graveside vigil. : Elvis fans also ignore the fact that the year is 2008. (Let him go people, let him go.)

At 50, has Madonna surpassed the Beatles?: In what? Hype? What part of her catalog do ya think they'll be playing in 40 years -huh?

Scoop: Britney wants her kids to stay out of showbiz: Whatever for? She turned out alright. Source Here

Ur So Gay

For some men, attending a party at the Playboy mansion means you have truly arrived. You have now become a big enough celebrity to mingle with the Hef and his bunnies. And god willing, bang two or three of them. All at once! (God willing, for he is a kind and merciful god.) Apparently Jason Stratham didn’t get the memo.
"The Midsummer Night’s Dream party on Saturday saw The Bank Job star Jason Statham escorted off the premises by five security guards after he refused to pose for pictures with models."
"A source said: "It was rough!" So is making love to a porcupine, -but somebody's got to do it damnit!
Hmmm...refusing to cavort with a few loosely clad women ( with loose morals?) why would this simple task be too much of a chore for Jason Stratham? Is he morally offended? Then why go to the Playboy mansion at all? Has he had his heart broken by a Miss September? Is he allergic to silicone? Or perhaps he's just not that into girls. I don't know but something amiss.
Pasted from. Source Here

More Than A Nice Head Of Hair, A Big Heart As Well.

What a nice guy that Donald Trump is. Real salt of the earth that man, I don't know why people keep making fun of this guy. Oh yeah, -that hair. Anyhow, he certainly has a soft spot for old drunk has- been sidekicks, as this article portrays, Donald Trump will soon be Ed McMahon's landlord.
Trump announced Thursday he would save the television personality's Beverly Hills mansion from foreclosure by buying it for an undisclosed amount and leasing it to McMahon.
The developer told the Los Angeles Times he doesn't know McMahon personally, but acted out of compassion because helping out "would be an honor."
The only caveat is, while Trump watches TV, McMahon has to chuckle and laugh loudly every time the Donald makes (what he thinks)is a joke. Then at the end of the evening, Trump gets to fire him. (it just makes him feel good.) It's possible...that I'm a little fuzzy on this, what with the famine and all. Source Here

Say It Ain’t So Sly.

“Stallone will appear in TV and newspaper ads for Russian Ice vodka for a cool $1 million” .Is this the same Stallone who conquered the vicious Ivan Drago. Is this the same Stallone who mowed down so many Russian soldiers in Afghanistan like they were little girly men. It can’t be .Say it ain’t so Sly, say it ain’t so. “Stallone will advertise the vodka under the slogan, "There is a bit of Russian in all of us" - referring to Stallone's great-grandmother, Rosa Rabinovich, who came from the Ukrainian town of Odessa”.
Hmmm…I wonder which side of the family he gets his hypocrisy from… must be his great-granddad from the old country of --fooled you. Source Here

Well that’s it folks , I gotta go. The world outside my window has returned to normal, and my stomach is full for the time being. But.. for.. how… long?(Shatner again dammit!) I can’t go on like this much longer. I need a JOB, I NEED FOOD. I’m beginning to lose it .I can feel it. See…see that. The wallpaper just nodded in agreement,…I’m losing it.

Doc B. Gone baby gone.

Placentas,Bongs,Enlightenment,Matt,Maroon 5,And More.Tonight On The Hump!

2008-08-12T20:21:00.000-04:00

Heidi Ho folks, Doc B here.

I've been feeling pretty bad all day, throwing up at one end, and I don't want to tell you what's been coming out the other. Bruce thinks it was yesterdays supper that made me ill,...but I have my doubts. These days... I trust no one. Here’s the news.

But first...

"There is nothing you can say in answer to a compliment. I have been complimented myself a great many times, and they always embarrass me - I always feel that they have not said enough."
Mark Twain

Total enlightenment, bongos, and the placenta—cuckoo- ka-choo

Matthew McConaghy played in one of my favorite movies, "Dazed and Confused". And to this day I still have problems differentiating between his character and himself. Anyhow, here he talks about what he's going to do with some refuse left over from his child...."When I was in Australia, they had a placenta tree that was on the river ... and all the placentas of all that tribe, all that clan, whatever aboriginal tribe that was, all the placentas went under that one tree and it was this huge behemoth of just health and strength. This tree was just growing taller and stronger above the rest of Mother Nature around it. It was gorgeous.", said Matthew.
He then elaborated with another reporter. What follows is what I believe he said, but my microphone on my recorder hasn't been working well, and I was a bit distracted by some killer bees, so I had to kind of fill in some of the blanks (i.e.: most of it). Anyhow here goes. Matthew waxed on, saying. One day when Levi is old enough,..say around 11,...I will be able to share with him the weed his body helped nurture, to become strong and potent. Then we will sit down together, just he and I, and my favourite bong, and smoke up till we achieve a perfect state of enlightenment. Do you know what it's like to achieve total enlightenment dude? Do you even know how? No? Well, awright-- awright, I'll tell you . Get yourself some really good Skunk-weed. It's best with a bong , but if you don't have a really super tight water bong, then maybe you should go the old-school route and use papers. If you do use papers, I would suggest you have a couple a teaspoon of honey coat your throat. Because Skunk is really harsh man, and you got to smoke a lot of it to reach total enlightenment dude .but the payoff is awesome man, like you've had a 100 orgasms, you are just totally limp, and at peace,.. one with the earth. And that's what all this placenta stuff is all about man, about being enlightened. And I want my son to someday being enlightened just like his dad, and that's why I'm doing this. Once we are enlightened man, then I will tell him about the weed and his placenta. That should blow his f**king mind man! Just like when my dad told me. At that moment I felt very confused and sleepy, but very powerful, like I was one with the earth, it’s very empowering, feeling powerful , you know.I hope he'll feel the same way . Then we'll strip naked and I'll whip out the bongos. We'll play them all night long, or at least until the cops show up.
What's wrong folks? I told you I was distracted. Source Here

Maroon 5 and the root of migraines

Adam Levine of Maroon 5 sounds like your typical pretentious rock star, full of himself, and full of shit. Which pretty much amounts to the same thing, fortunately enough for Adam. Have a look at what he said to Women's Health magazine. "It's kind of the equilibrium - the yin-yang, if you will, of relationships - that I write about. That's what keeps me going, Ah yes ,..the all important yin-yang dynamic..............hey don’t scoff, it’s true. I once had a Chinese girlfriend who taught me all about it. It takes quite a bit of patience, trust, mutual understanding, good stamina, and lots and lots of soya sauce and sake. Hmmm....come to think of it, that was about something completely different, but I digress.
Anyhow where was I, oh yes Advil,... I mean,..Adam,..Sorry, I should clarify, he makes me feel like I need an Advil when I hear him singing, so I often confuse the two, if that makes any sense. Once again, I digress.
Adam continued to speak in his headache inducing gibberish-style, to Women's Health Magazine."Women are very aware of their power. Men need to live and breathe women as a sex." F**k!!... I’m out of Advil!! Just what the hell is that supposed to mean?! Is he suggesting that have we would all suffocate, and then whither up and die if we didn't smell some tart. Scent of a woman indeed. but in this guy's case, it's more like some serious neuroses, or some sick, deep-rooted sexual complex , he keeps buried deep within. Whatever it is, I think this guy is weird. What is he, a pussy? Is he still sucking from his mother’s breast? What a sorry- sack- of- shi...(sigh) but I digress. Let's move on shall we. Source Here

Headlines that scream hilarity

George Costanza for President?.... Can he really be worse than the guy you've got now? Source Here

Homer Simpson money... Dont get too excited , its only redeemable with beer & donuts...!! Wait a sec...Woo hoo! Get excited! Source Here

How 'SNL' influenced CNN... Like when Wolfe Blitzer used to call Greta Van Susteren an ignorant slut! Source Here

Clay Aiken now a father...I know I posted about it yesterday, but I still shit my pants every time I read it. Source Here

Heath Ledger's bar tribute...Hmmm...tasteless, yet somehow appropriate. Does it make it easier knowing that his dad is approves of it? No...? Source Here

Jack Black's son looks like a squid...Once again, tasteless, yet appropriate. Source Here

Ugly is the new beautiful: 27 non-traditional models...Ironically the photos were taken in a dark bar, shot through the bottom of a whiskey glass. Source Here

Hee Haw' reruns to air on RFD-TV ...Just another reason to not watch RFD-TV. Source Here

Dangerfield's Widow Sues His Daughter For Respect...Why not? Nothing else has worked. F**king kids today! No respect. Source Here

The opinions below do not represent those of this blog

I wasn't quite sure how I felt after I read this quote from US Weekly's editor- in chief , Janice Min. I really couldn't tell whether women should be insulted and outraged, or flattered and appreciative. Anyhow here's what she said.
"We proved that celebrity-magazine readers were not obese women who spent all day watching TV and smoking cigarettes. They are young and well-educated. They want a magazine that gives them a fun break from work and family responsibilities."
That they can peruse through while watching TV and smoking a cigarette. Or so I've been told. Say... I've got a crazy idea, why don't you leave a comment if you are offended by this story. Source Here

The world according to Matt

Does Matt Damon think he’s running for office or what? Listen to what Mr. high and mighty had to say to the Conde Nast Traveler. “I think many of our problems as a country would be solved if people had thick passports. There's just no substitute for actually going and seeing things.”
Who does this guy think he is? Telling me what to do huh! The nerve of this guy. He gets voted once as People's sexiest man of the year, and it all goes to his f**king head!! Humph! ...I'm a little bit steamed now. (pause)
Anyhow he rattled on some more... “You start to feel a level of responsibility to direct attention to things that actually matter more than silly things like who you're dating,” he explained.”
Yet, I'm sure who you're dating is a silly thing, but what if you dated a psycho like I did? Not so f**king silly now is it Matt!? And by the way, aren't you married you prick? Who are you to give advice on dating anyhow. People's sexiest man alive, my foot! I need another f**king Advil. And some food dammit! Source Here

Well that's all there is folks. I gotta go, my neighbors are putting out their trash, and them there's some fresh chow........................my God. What have I become???????????????????????????????

Doc B Gone baby gone

Paris Hilton's Superpowers; and Hairy Palm's. Tonight on the hump!

2008-08-10T22:24:00.000-04:00

Heidi Ho folks Doc be here.

To begin, I have to apologize for last post when it appeared that I was passing out. It was no act, I did pass out . Fortunately I'm feeling better now since my brother Lance sent me a care package, thank God for him. Here's the news.

But first...

There's no doubt about it, show business lures the people who didn't get enough love, attention, or approval early in life and have grown up to become bottomless, gaping vessels of terrifying, abject need. Please laugh.”
Dennis Miller

Live Long And Take A Hike, Kid!

Leonard Nimoy`s kid has written an autobiography, in it he mentions meeting one of the greatest thespians of our times,
William Shatner .
"I can't think of a single instance where he remembered who I was when our paths crossed," Leonard Nimoy's son, Adam Nimoy, 51, writes in his memoir, "My Incredibly Wonderful, Miserable Life. Humph...so what? like Bill Shatner can be expected to remember every little snot-nosed kid hes met. What does that prove,..nothing. Hmmm... it seems quite obvious to me that this twerp simply wrote a few paragraphs about William Shatner in his autobiography to help sell a few more books. As a matter of fact it seems awfully curious that this is one of first blurbs that I've read from the book
"so, when I see him, I usually go up to him and shake his hand vigorously and say, 'Mr. Shatner, I'm one of your biggest fans.' . . . Bill will look at me like he thinks he should know me from somewhere but he just can't place the face." No kid he was just stunned. The toilet was flushing properly when he left the house, and yet ,there you are, standing right in front of him. After graciously talking to you, the first thing he did when he got home was call a plumber. A man of William Shatner's stature simply wouldn't let a sanitary problem arise from some pipes that might have leaked from his home. He takes care of his shit Andrew..er..Arnold...Adam! ......................Aw..who cares, let's move on. Source Here

Will Faster Pussycat Kill! Kill! Kill Tarantino's Career!!!

It's been said that Quentin Tarantino plans to remake Faster Pussycat Kill! Kill. The story being of a murderous lesbian stripper
"British newspaper the Mirror says Spears is lined up for the saucy role. (Relax folks Tarantino isn't that stoned.)
And just to raise the gossip bar a notch higher, they even speculate that Spears' "violent character murders a man with her bare hands. She also has sex scenes with another girl - not a big deal for the singer who kissed Madonna on stage." (Which somehow seems like decades ago! )
And a snitch supposedly said: "Quentin is convinced Britney will be brilliant. (Shit, maybe he's mixing mushrooms & coke, and pot & DeKuyper and sniffing diesel fumes again.)
"She [Spears] is delighted. She thinks it could turn her career and her life around. (Or another gem like "Crossroads".)
"It is perfect Tarantino material. He wanted to get Britney first. She's playing the most important character."
Now I want all you fans to hold on before you throw out your yellow tracksuit, Bad MotherF**ker wallet, and Jackie Brown Super- Fro wig. This is only a rumor and I don't think the Weinstein's would give Quentin the amount of rope he needs to cast Britney in the lead role. Pity. My what a lovely train wreck it would be. Source Here

Hairy Palms.

Breast enhancement Barbie has a new show, on the E! network.
" Pammy has roped in unlikely pal Sir Elton John to star in the very first episode of E! entertainment's Pam: Girl On The Loose. ( Hmmm... I wonder how long it took them to come up with that?)
We're told: "Elton arranges it so Pam is part of his Red Piano concert in Vegas. She is seen on five huge screens poledancing (naturally.) in a tiny gold bikini." Aw , God bless her, for continuing to do what she does best with her meagre talent. Appearing partially naked wherever she can. Some people are just blessed without the emotion of shame. Plastic Pammy is one of them. And now she's been around long enough that another generation of adolescent boys have discovered themselves through Pam. They would applaud her but the other hand is busy. Souce Here

The End Is Nigh

I've said it once and I'll say it again, I never thought I would have to say these words, Clay Aiken.. father. (?!) "It's official: Clay Aiken is now a daddy!
The singer, 29, and his producer pal Jaymes Foster welcomed a baby boy Friday morning in Aiken's home state of North Carolina, Aiken's mother, Faye, told a local radio station.
Parker Foster Aiken arrived at 8:08 a.m. - on 8/8/08, no less - and weighed in at 6 pounds, 2 ounces."
Say folks.. do you smell brimstone? No. Maybe it's just me then, I am a little malnourished. Hmmm... Parker Foster Aiken eh! It sounds like a board game, doesn't it? Source Here

MTV's Presidential Bitch- Slap Smack Down

Ever since Paris Hilton met her rocker boyfriend from some damned band whose name I can never remember, she's been pretty quiet on the gossip front, and has been noticeably less visible around town. So I guess all us gossip post pundits can thank John McCain for dragging her back into the spotlight, albeit reluctantly. Paris has been pretty quiet about the McCain ad which used her image along with Britney Spears and Barack Obama, but it appears she's finally fired back. (After hours of endless googling to discover who Barak Obama, and John McCain were.) Paris answered back with a clip that can be viewed at funny or die.com. And she says, “That wrinkly white-haired guy used me in his campaign ad, which I guess means I’m running for President. So thanks for the endorsement, white-haired dude,” she states. “I want America to know that I’m like, totally ready to lead.”
After explaining her energy policy, a reference to the McCain ad which lashed out at Obama’s policy, Paris declares, “I’ll see you at the debates b****es!”
Somewhere over at MTV, a light bulb went off above the head of some guy in marketing. "Eureka!" he shouts. "I have it"! he shouts again. Hurriedly, he rushes off to see in his department manager. He tells his department manager he has come up with "the idea of the century". MTV would broadcast a debate featuring Barack Obama and Paris Hilton teamed up to debate against John McCain and Britney Spears. Of course his department manager thinks the idea is brilliant, and is going to run it right up to the top. Think of it folks, a debate like this would cut across every demographic imaginable . The black vote, old rich white guy vote, twenty-somethings who don't know who the candidates are, and don't vote. All they need now is a gay half Mexican, half Asian midget to moderate, and every desirable demographic will be targeted. Humph ... you don't think it could happen to you? Well just wait and see, and mark my words, coming soon to a cable channel near you, MTV presents The Presidential Bitch- Slap Smackdown. Source Here

Just What The World Needs... Paris Hilton In Spandex Tights And A Cape.

Sticking with Paris Hilton, it appears she's involved in a rather unlikely collaboration with a comic genius."The hotel heiress has been working with Stan Lee, who co-created the Spider-Man comic books, to invent a character for a new MTV cartoon. (It ought to prove to be quite a challenge to the Marvel comics artist, they are not used to drawing stick figures)
She said: “Actually, I've created a superhero with Stan Lee, which is based on me, and we're doing a cartoon right now with MTV.” Among her characters powers: looking positively not interested while performing fellatio, impeccable posture when posing for photos, and being famous for no reason whatsoever.
But what would the real Paris Hilton do if she had a superpower... hmmm, let us ponder this. Oh, oh, I know. She would have the power to turn what ever she touches pink. Just kidding, actually she did answer that question."She said: “I’d love to be invisible - that would be fun!" Just get married darling, and have a few kids, that ought to do the trick. Source Here

Bad News

Unfortunately over the weekend a few more bright lights have been snuffed out. Comedian and actor, Bernie Mac, and the Black Moses, soul singer Isaac Hayes both passed away on the weekend. Both brought an enormous amount of talent and will to the stage. They will be missed.

Well that's all there is folks I gotta go. The restaurant across the street just threw some food out. Looks like I am having Chinese tonight.

Doc B Gone baby gone.

Don’t Fear The Nipple People,…Embrace It.

2008-08-05T21:25:00.000-04:00

Heidi Ho folks Doc B here.

Bruce and Luis have been finding enough food to sustain me these last few days. I don’t ask where they find it, and I don’t care anymore. Here’s the news.

But first…

“I don't like my nipples showing. They look like targets.”
“Sienna Guillory”

Don’t Fear The Nipple

US networks have once again bowed to the pressure of sponsors and the tone of the current government in power. It's just a nipple folks, haven't we move past this nipple issue huh? Huh! I guess not, according to the New York Post."EVA Mendes is so naked and so sexy in an ad for Secret Obsession, the new fragrance from Calvin Klein Inc., that TV networks rejected the spot until it was cleaned up, and still won't air it until after 9 p.m." Humph! If this is the same ad that I've seen , then all you see is a f***ing nipple! Why are we so afraid of the nipple? Most of us suck on one for a good portion of our infancy (and other stages), so why do we fear it is so?
Could it be that some of us weren't fed on it enough, or wanted more but were thought to be too old, thus denied. Perhaps because we so desired it in our adolescence, yet were so seldom able to achieve it, we now punish it. And yes I know it's a male dominated (politically speaking) society but where are the women in all this, where are their voices? Hmmm! Gagged with a Wonderbra it would seem................................. so why do we,... fear the nipple? Damned if I know.
How do things becomes taboo? It's funny because I was just having this conversation with a friend of mine, you know, about societal norms. So why in our society do we frown upon men carrying a purse, only because we are preconditioned to think that it is wrong, silly,.. gay.
My friend and I were wondering what we would carry, if it were acceptable to carry a nice Gucci bag (or whatever designer you prefer). After a informal poll, a consensus emerged. Number one on the list would be money (naturally) followed closely by gum, keys, condoms, (naturally) sunglasses, toothbrush (?), drugs, (naturally) food , (mmm... donuts) a gun, clean socks (?!) And paint thinner. One freak answered makeup. Can you believe that? What a queer. Still it would be nice if society wouldn't frowned upon men carrying purses. Although it would be one less thing we would be able to make fun of our girlfriends about. All the shit they carry in their purse.I fear we would carry much more. You never know when you might need a table saw. Source Here

Thank You Come Again

Thanks for the watch Iggy, come back soon, don't be a stranger now. Jeez... it's been over 20 years since Iggy Pop performed in Montréal and this is how the people repay him for coming back to the city. " According to the Eric Fisher, the group's road manager, a rented van loaded with the group's musical instruments, mikes and amplifiers was stolen outside the Embassy Suites Hotel on St. Antoine St. W. in Old Montreal.
He estimated the equipment alone was worth "tens of thousands of dollars." So when you guys coming back, if you don't mind me asking? N#*#!%((***&&*#***#!!!!!!!!!!!! Jeez, never mind.
Not to worry I'm sure the crack Montréal police force is right on top of things. Why they probably have someone in custody as we speak."Montreal police were investigating, but weren't able to say whether the thieves were targeting the band and its equipment or if they had simply intended to steal the van, Constable Raphaël Bergeron said." Plus there was a Tims (huge Canadian doughnut chain!) on the corner where ze crime was committed, so we got off to a slow start in the morning and are just catching up now, we will get them. Now if you excuse me it's time for my... how do you say, pause [ (:-po-se]... ah yes... break time.
Hmmm... still this must have been a professional job, targeting the Stooges equipment, right? "The equipment was in a 4.5-metre yellow truck rented from the Penske rental firm and had Michigan plates.".... hmm.. Then again maybe they thought the truck was filled with cigarettes. Lots of that going around here. Oh well, let's move on shall we. Source Here

Coating It With Sugar

No no no no, don't hold back Sharon, tell us what you really think of Paris Hilton. “You've got your superstars. You've got your celebrities. And then you've got your people who I call 'infamous’, like Paris Hilton, who I know," said Sharon. Hmmm... yes, but does she know you? Never mind it doesn't matter, go on.“She's got a look that a lot of younger girls liked and copied but she has no talent. I'm sure Paris would tell you that herself. The timing was right for her. A lot of younger women looked up to her.
“She a very sweet, nice girl. But that's it. Then you put a full stop. It's over.” Um... I think this calls for a translation folks, what I think Sharon really meant to say was that Paris is dumb as a post, one that is made of plastic and is hollow. Empty. Vacant! Hmmm... how shall I put this,... like Pink said, stupid girls. I asked Paris to comment on what Sharon said, but I couldn't hear over the whistle sound coming out her ear. It was very windy. I'll have to catch up to her and ask her again, somewhere indoors. Source Here

Committed, Or Just Less Lonely On Week-Nights

Lindsay Lohan continues to make the rounds on all the gossip sites.
After being outed the other day by an LA police chief, word comes today from a story by Bang Showbiz that "The Mean Girls actress – who only recently confirmed she was in a same-sex relationship with DJ Samantha – is planning to exchange vows with her lover at a private ceremony in Los Angeles later this year, and her mother Dina has already started planning a lavish party."(to be broadcast on a special episode of her realityshow no doubt) Hmmm... if this is true, then it seems like Lilo's gonna settle down. Which would be rather ironic since LA police chief Bratton suggested that Lilo's gay relationship has had a calming, effect leaving the paparazzi with nothing scandalous to shoot. This would mark another interesting chapter in what has been a very tumultuous and extremely public passage from adolescence into adulthood.
I for one certainly hope she's not rushing into anything, you know, trying to please everyone around her. I hope the pressure of her peers isn't weighing on her decision (if it's true she's getting married). Because she looks around and she sees that Britney and Christina popped out a few brats, and old friend (oldfoe?) Paris Hilton seems to be settling in with her boyfriend. Nicole Richie's had one baby already with hers. She's still young; I just hope she doesn't think that life is passing her buy, that she needs to get on board.sure I know she’s become toxic in Hollywood, but it history has proven over and over again, it’s that Hollywood loves a comeback. But I’m not sure go in this lesbian route is the right angle to score with the suits in La La land. And what if they want kids? Well I suppose they can always adopt. That’s all the rage today. Still I’m not sure she’s really committed. And she’s totally gone over to the other side. So don’t be scratching her off your to- do list just yet. Why… you ask? Well I’ll tell you. Two words. Anne Heche You feeling me. I knew that you would. Source Here

Who?

Hairspray star Nikki Blonsky and her father were arrested on assault charges following a brawl involving the family of America's Next Top Model contestant Bianca Golden in a Caribbean airport, police said Friday. The chick from Hairspray and a wanna-be model. Does anyone really care?............just checking. Source Here

Well that’s all folks I gotta go.I feel faint, I think I need to lie down. I’m starting to feel dizzy and am having trouble remembering things I tink im beginig to loss my motor skilz………..helpe me.

DocBgonebabygone………………..

Breaking News: Britney Doesn’t Follow Candidates Campaign.(Big Wow!)/Celebrity Blog 101( Not So Special)

2008-08-03T23:17:00.000-04:00

Heidi Ho folks Doc B.here.

I’m starting to get a little hungry… but my cupboards are almost completely bare. What do you make with beef broth and marshmallows? Hmmm… I need some income, and quick. Bruce’s operation is coming up soon and I need to pay for it dammit. I need to make some money quick. Say… this ad may be helpful. While I check this out, here’s the news.

But first…

“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies.”
“Groucho Marx”

$14 Million! Where’s The Sunblock?

Well folks, it's official, the whole world has gone completely off it's nut! Huh, what's that? Overreacting! Too harsh-- you say. Well, we'll just have too agree to disagree, won't we.
"People magazine has nabbed exclusive rights to perhaps the most-sought after cover babies of all time: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's new twins". And what's the dollar figure on that? $14 million! Are you f***ing serious? $14 million! For baby photos. $14 million. Are these babies made of f***ing gold? Do they shit diamonds out there ass? Can the lower my cholesterol? Or enhance my erection? No.? Then how come $14 million dammit? Are you nuts? They're just the bastard offspring of a couple movie actors. This has gotten way out of hand. This has the possibility of shifting the earth’s axis, shifting the balance of power in Hollywood. Actors are now earning more from the sale of baby photos than they are from movie roles. Doesn’t anyone else but me see how dangerous this is? They act, to gain celebrity, which earns them wealth and fame.They are actors! They are paid to act, to entertain us! Publications like People, and OK, and In Touch Weekly are raising their celebrity status up into aristocracy. They’re just f**king actors! Pay them to act. Nothing else! Jeezz…I need an aspirin. I guess there’s no stopping it. Its progress they say. I guess it is-- what it is…………………$14 million… wow. Expect the sun the explode any day now. Source Here

Quick Hits Headlines

“Verne Troyer sues ex-girlfriend for $20 million”... she apparently coerced him to star in Mike Myers “The Love Guru”. Hmmm... that film was a real turkey, maybe he should ask for more. Source Here

“Abba makes history at number one”... their greatest hits has gone number one in the UK. I told you we should have taken them out when we had the chance... but noooo. You said it was immoral. Now it's too late, we've missed our chance dammit! Source Here

“Rocker Mellencamp happy to be ‘an old man’... like he has any choice in the matter.Source Here

“Here comes the teen bride: Jamie Lynn to wed”... it was either that or put up with her mom hanging around all the time, crimping her style. Source Here

Lauren says this may be her last ‘Hills’ season... hmmm... it doesn't bother me, however it may bother that strange looking gentleman in the plaid shirt and sporting a trucker hat. He was always at autograph sessions getting her to sign his hanker- chiefs, To My Dearest Bobby Jo. I wonder she remembers him, average looking, large, unassuming, and smells like processed meat. He seemed like a big fan. That large , unassuming, plaid shirt wearing, cold meat eating, trucker hat gentlemen, he might be bothered. He may be downright pissed. Hmmm... stay out of isolated places Lauren, and let someone else open your mail. Come to think of it, changing up your routine might be a good idea as well. You never can be too careful, you know. Source Here

Politics and celebrity don’t mix, and gays and politics as well.. come to think of it

This week has been notable for the calling out of celebs by members of our law enforcement and government.
Beginning with the boys in blue, LAPD chief William Bratton took a backhanded swipe at Britney in the press the other day. It seems in Lala land a new task force has been created to deal specifically with paparazzi. Some of the whiny celebrities that testified before the new task force included John Mayer, Eric Roberts and Milo Ventimiglia. Here's what Mayer said, clearly believing the world revolves only around him."Wearing jeans and a rumpled dress shirt, the singer invited law enforcement officials to do a ride-along with him to experience the pursuits firsthand - and he suggested that officials regulate paparazzi with special license plates marked with a big "P." Hmmm... yes, excellent idea. And while you're at it, your car should be marked with a special license plate as well. It should read B. P.,.. for Big Pussy. However chief Bratton had a more common sense approach to the problem. He doesn't believe creating a new task force and spending taxpayers money will solve the problem. No, he targets the evil doers themselves."If you notice, since Britney started wearing clothes and behaving; Paris is out of town not bothering anybody anymore, thank God, and evidently, Lindsay Lohan has gone gay, we don't seem to have much of an issue," Bratton said.
"If the ones that attract the paparazzi behave in the first place, like we expect of anybody, that solves about 90% of the problem. The rest we can deal with," he said. Yeah... you said if chief, put some clothes on that basket case Britney, newly gay Lilo has practically gone underground, and god's taking care of Paris. Problem solved chief. Ah... cream rises to the top.

Wellll... of course it didn't take long for one of the girls to object. Lindsay Lohan and her girlfriend Samantha Ronson were at the Los Angeles airport to catch a flight when TMZ.asked them to comment. Lilo said,"Police chiefs shouldn't get involved in everyone else's business when it comes to their personal life. It's inappropriate," it's very rude as well, people will think I have become boring. Not to be outdone, chief Bratton called a press conference to clarify (not really) what he meant. "When asked about the Lohan remark — which followed months of tabloid speculation that Lohan and Ronson, a DJ, are dating — Bratton said his sister is gay and he is a proponent of gay rights". (That's clear,... as clear as the Beijing skyline). A follow-up question asked chief Bratton, that if his sisters gay, does that make him a homosexual? There was a swift no comment from chief Bratton. I didn't catch the reporters name who asked the question, but he did sound a lot like that that fat kid on South Park. Hmmm... (?!)
Well that takes care the boys in blue. On the government side, an ad by John McCain has caused a little stir. It seems Kathy Hilton was none too happy to see her daughter's name mentioned in the ad."The campaign ad which features images of Hilton's famous daughter, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Barack Obama with a voiceover that says, "He's the biggest celebrity in the world. But is he ready to lead?" Kathy and her husband made a donation to McCain's campaign so I guess she has a reason to gripe. Her daughter Paris on the other hand is taking it all in stride. She chose to let her publicist release a statement which read. "Miss Hilton was neither asked, nor did she give permission, for the use of her likeness in the ad, and has no further comment." Hmmm... what? She didn't say, that's hot? Frankly I find that hard to believe.
Are you sure maybe you should double-check that .I’m sure she said, that’s hot.
And then we have Britney. What is Britney's response to being used in John McCain's ad? Not much really.“She visits gossip sites on the Internet,” says a source close to Spears. “She’s not exactly glued to campaign news. She’s unfazed by this. If not for Googling her own name she probably wouldn't have noticed.”
No shit, she's not glued to the campaign news. Go figure. Well I guess it's only to be expected. When a person has been all doped on Zantac, morphine and Thorazine, they generally have problems doing the most rudimentary task. Even typing one's own name becomes a chore through all the thick and cloudy haze of the drugs. Probably best not to expect too much from her when she's like this. Source Here,
Here and Here

And Finally.

I want to wish Christina Applegate all the best in her fight against breast cancer. Reports suggest they caught it early, thank god. Get well Christina.
Source Here ex.html

Well that’s all folks, I gotta go My supper is almost ready. Olives boiled in beef broth…yum. For dessert, marshmallows and……….(SOB). My only salvation lies in this internet ad.

Doc B. Gone baby gone

100th Big Blogpost Blowout. Bigger And Better (well,…not really. But it is the 100th post.:) )

2008-07-29T21:56:00.000-04:00

Heidi- Ho folks Doc B here.

I’m back. Back from the company boot camp, where all the un-desirables, under-achievers, and underpaid employees are forced to perform demeaning and unpleasant tasks in an attempt to prove to their employers that they are still an asset. Or at the least, convince them to give you one more shot because you’re desperate to hold onto it. Not me though baby! I’m a free man. I quit my job.Im free to do whatever I want. Like............starve. Heres the news.

But first…

“Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is like another nail.”
“Homer Simpson”

BEHIND THE CONSPIRACY OF CELEBRITY PREGNANCIES

Another celebrity pregnancy. Yes another one. This time it's Rebecca Ronijn as gone and got herself knocked up by her husband Jerry O'Connell, so reports seriouslyomg.com. And they also pose a good question as well " I don't know why she didn't have kids with John Stamos, could you imagine how beautiful those babies would've been! "Yeah weaned on the Beach boys music and watching classic moments (if there are any) of " Full House. The real question here is not who Rebecca should have had babies with, it’s how she got pregnant in the first place? It seems like every time I turn on my laptop another celebrity has gone and gotten themselves preggers. No, this can't be a coincidence. There must be some more to this. A conspiracy perhaps? I've been pondering this over the last couple hours, really giving it some thought, deep, deep thoughts, while watching reruns of Law and Order on A&E. And I think I might have just stumbled on to what is really behind all this celebrity pregnancy. I think the studios are behind all this. I think they were so worried that the writers’ strike would leave people's minds open to trying new things on their than watching TV and movies. That they were so worried people would discover other activities, they devised a scheme to keep all the celebrities in the headlines. By secretly sprinkling fertilizer on their ovaries to make the garden grow, so to speak.. This way celebrities would be in the news for months and months on end, and create chatter on websites and blogs, in newspapers, and TV. But how? How could they possibly get so many celebrities pregnant around the same time? Hmmm... they must have all been gathered in the same place, at the same time. It had to be someplace where they would have let their guard down and been exposed to a lot of gratuities and handouts, and endorsement offers and just plain free stuff that celebs love so much. With so much freebies at their disposal, it would be easy to slip something in their bottled water, or granola bar, or Botox, or anything really. It would be very simple for the studios to carry out their plan secretly. Nefariously.
Sensing that I was onto something, something concrete. I called up an old friend of mine who works in the espionage department of a pharmaceutical company, and put my question to him. Here is his reply. [The name of this expert source has been changed to protect his identity]
( Recorded phone conversation.)
Doc B: so what do you think of my theory Mookie, is it possible?
Mookie: well... anything is possible. Am I to understand you're suggesting the studios are behind him a pregnancy of celebrities?
Doc B: yes.
Mookie: are you stoned?
Doc B: I don't think so?
Mookie:How did you get this number?
Doc B: just answer my question, is it possible?
Mookie: I suppose, but this kind of stuff only happens in the movies.
Doc B: My point exactly! So can I quote you on this?
Mookie: No, and don't call me at work again. Ever. I don't know what my sister ever saw in you? (click.)
( End of conversation.)
Hmmm... it seems obvious that the studios have gotten to my friend. They must really have something on him for him to be afraid to speak to me openly. Rest assured faithful readers, Doc B is on the case. I know there is something to this. The truth is out there. I won't stop until I expose these cretins in the light of day. They must be stopped. Source Here

OMG... I'M GAY.

Is it possible to wake up one morning and suddenly be gay? It's a legitimate question. If you're homophobic. Obviously, only ignorant people would think you can catch gayness from sitting on the same toilet seat in a public restroom that a gay might have used. These same people think simply listening to too much Barbra Streisand is a risk. Now I don't know people like this, but I have heard of them.
Case in point:
Jason Solomons on Mamma Mia tonight on ABC Nightline:
"I've been humming ABBA all week. I've been humming it in bed. I wake up in the morning thinking, 'Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!' My wife thinks I've turned homosexual from seeing this film."
OMG!!! Better keep him away from the Barbara Streisand CDs.
And while his wife is at it she should check his drawers to see if he has any issues of Stud Puppy. See if her husband has any photos or postcards of Joan Crawford and Cher lie in around. Of course, if he's taking to drinking mineral water, then the alarm bells should have sounded. Screaming—Gay-Gay-Gay!!! It's Gaydom's biggest tell, everyone knows that. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Source Here and Here

A WILD AND CRAZY GUY

You know I always thought Shia Lebeouf was a bit of a pussy, but I'm beginning to change my mind, now.
It seems he was just starting slow, taking his time, feeling things out, you know preparing himself. Starting off with simple misdemeanours, until he felt the time was right, and that he was ready to advance to the next stage.
And he almost succeeded. Unfortunately his newest bad was not deemed Felony worthy. It was close, but no cigar is DUI arrest was reduced from a felony to a misdemeanour
"He made a left turn in front of another vehicle and hit another vehicle. His vehicle rolled," Los Angeles County Sheriff's Sgt. S. Wolf told the Daily News.
"Initially the incident was deemed a felony, but upon further investigation it was determined to be a misdemeanor," Wolf said. "He was cited at the hospital and is no longer in our custody."
Humph! If a man can't get arrested while driving drunk and rolling his car over, what’s he to do? Shoot someone? Saayyy... there’s an idea.
Hmmm... I wonder what Spielberg's thinking while watching his golden boy act the part of a fool? Source Here

UTTER DISBELIEF

I have shocking news, absolutely shocking. Are you sitting down? I hope you're. Now, are you ready, are you mentally prepaired? Okay then, I'll tell you. It's looks like Amy Winehouse has been hospitalized. I know, I know. I'm as stunned as you are. No, I'm more than that. I'm in disbelief.
“London Ambulance Service said it was called to an address in north London at 8:40 p.m. local time.
"We sent an ambulance and a fast response car and the patient has been taken to hospital," it said in a statement without naming Winehouse.”
I just can't believe it. Are they sure they got the right person, and sure its Amy? Well I for one will not be convinced until I see photos of the corpse. Source Here

SMITE THEM I SAY.

Please God make it stop. The Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen melodrama continues. This is becoming more ridiculous than an episode of Dynasty. What? Too retro? OK, OK, 2008 then. It's becoming more ridiculous then 24. How's that? Seriously though, I pity the poor children. Is anyone thinking of the well-being of the children? "Richards dragged Sheen into a Los Angeles courtroom early last week for a mysterious "emergency" child-custody hearing to screen videos of their girls, Sam and Lola, supposedly acting in strange and disturbing ways. Sheen's lawyers - who got the "evidence" dismissed - presented their own videos of the girls acting normally at his house.
A source said, "Denise's accusations were vile. She was basically trying to say Charlie [manipulated] the kids and acted inappropriately with them. It's disgusting and totally untrue. Charlie is furious . . . Denise has really pushed it too far this time."
Does the hand of God need to come down from the heavens and smack them behind the head to awaken these authority figures into action Isn’t it obvious that these people shouldn't be raising kids. and to think that the studios are deliberately hit Humvees celebrity morons pregnant just makes me shudder. Brr... there, I just had a chill. It's true. I shuddered, really I did. Source Here

Thats all folks, I gotta go browse the help wanted ads. Really, how bad can the job market be? Hmmm...um....hmm...I wonder how much they’ll pay me to be a BFF with Paris Hilton. Hey! Its an honest living. Don’t judge.

Doc B Gone baby gone

Celebrity Gossip News Extravaganza. Tonight, on the Hump.

2008-07-25T11:30:00.000-04:00

Heidi-Ho folks Doc B here.

I'm exhausted I've been going around doing all kinds of errands for my boss. Doing his laundry, standing in line for him at the DMV. Even pleasuring his wife for him to keep her off his back, while he romps in the hay with his young latin lover. I think he stuffs his trousers, but who am i to judge. I think I need to find a new line of work . Anyhow here's the news.

But first…

“I called a detox center - just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up with thirteen grand, you don't have a problem yet”
“Sam Kinison”

Cat fight! Everyone look away now.

I certainly got a giggle out of Omarosa's appearance on The Wendy Williams Show Monday. If you missed it, it seems things got a little heated (I could have used the word catty, but some people might have been offended: hint; they have no penis.) Omarosa was supposed to be there to promote her book, but in the great tradition of Monty Python, she just wanted an argument. Williams who has been on radio for a long time but is new to TV must have been coached by her producers to make sure do get a camera shot of the cover of the book, which she did. Most awkwardly. Omarosa reacted like a fat kid (pardon me, what's the term? Weight challenged? Obese? Hormonally different? Jelly donut junkies? F**k it!), like a fat kid when you steal his fries. So she did what any fat kid would, she yanked it back.... the following moments were...awkward.
The tussle gave way to Omarosa attacking Williams’ appearance, asking her whether she had had a nose job and suggesting she shouldn’t wear wigs. During the heated exchange, Williams called Omarosa a “typical angry black woman” and advised Omarosa that cosmetic injections could fix her wrinkles. Ooh ooh.. cat fight! (It's appropriate, and dammit, it's the truth.) Of course the clip of this interview has gone completely viral fad. One would think it would be good for ratings, wouldn't it? Now far be it from me to suggest that this was planned. Which I don't. However I think the show's producers were definitely hoping for some sparks, don't you? Listen to what Wendy said after the interview. She called Omarosa “a delusional, D-list, pathetic woman.” Hmmm... isn't that the pot calling the kettle black huh! So if I wanted catch up on what D-listers are doing these days I guess I know what show to tune into. I wonder what Charo and Marc Lawrence are up to? Guess I'll have to tune in to find out. Source Here

Live to tell.

Well it's nice to know someone is happy. No it's not the producers of the Wendy Williams show. It's Christopher Ciccone, Madonna's brother, who is having as much fun as a Navy submarine sailor on shore leave with a Thai hooker. While talking to the New York Observer he let slip out a hint of satisfaction and triumph over his sister's reaction to the book. "Christopher claims Madonna sent him an e-mail simply stating, “Call me,” when she got wind of the unauthorized biography. Deciding not to engage her (“I don’t respond to commands anymore”), he enjoyed Madonna’s rare, powerless position instead." Hmmm... it's almost as if he enjoys watching her squirm, doesn't it folks? “I will admit to a guilty pleasure in watching her squirm,” the younger Ciccone confessed. Hmmm... it's nice to see that he's not bitter about it. Source Here

What's in a name?

Ill it's a shame that more people don't vote in the states. Given the incredible freedom and choice, and levels of governments that represent them . Something tells me however, that in the next election in the city of San Francisco, there will be a record turnout. Some activists have come up with a rather ingenious plan to honor to current sitting duck president (no, not a lynching.) in the next election."Activists in San Francisco have secured sufficient support to put on the November election ballot an initiative to rename a local sewage plant in “honour” of President George W Bush.
The Bush critics succeeded in collecting more than 12,000 signatures for renaming the sewerage plant, and an election committee confirmed it, the San Francisco Chronicle said today." What a novel idea, bravo to them, my hats off. And I'm almost certain that this will come to pass in the next election come November. San Francisco voted to support an initiative to impeach both Bush and Vice President Cheney in 2006. 58% of San Franciscans voted to give Bush and Cheney a tricky Dick special, so they'll no doubt be geared up to honor Bush properly. Hmmm... this initiative could lead to a more appropriate and proper use of presidents names. Such as, the William Jefferson Clinton National Sperm Bank of America. The George H. Bush Choke N Puke Sushi Steakhouse . The Richard Nixon Audio and Video Surveillance Museum. The Gerald Ford School of Slapstick Comedy. Ronald Reagan's Irish Pub, the Lyndon B. Johnson Landfill, the possibilities are endless.Ah Yes, I'll be keeping my eye on San Francisco in the next election. Source Here

Roughriders rejoice! The DMX pleads not guilty.

Rapper DMX pleaded not guilty to felony charges of theft and identity theft. "Authorities allege the 37-year-old rapper gave the name "Troy Jones" and an incorrect Social Security number to a Scottsdale hospital in April to avoid paying $7,500 in medical expenses."You'll recall the DMX has been arrested for many a crime, but has done little time. So it comes as no surprise that he seemed in good spirits, and was optimistic outside the courtroom after his plea.," Hmmm... catchy, it's a good start. Let me see, "If you ever fall down, get back up." If you say you're Troy Jones, don't pick up the phone. Say what.! If you have to cough up a plea, say it wasn't me. If you ever spend time in Scottsdale, be prepared for the man to send you to jail. Say what! if you ever fall down, get back up, because you'll get all dirty and maybe catch a stomach cold. Whoops... that last line sounds like something my mom used to tell me. Let's move on shall we. Source Here

Headlines That Matter!

"Publicist runs out on Mills: Heather is too hot-headed to handle, aide claims".
Really, it just goes to show you. You never can tell about some people. Source Here

"Britney Spears rages at those closest to her in new songs".

Yeah, like her lawyer, her therapist, her bartender.My god, you should hear what she calls her car insurance broker. Oohh..the mouth on that girl. It's disgraceful. Why if she's not careful they may take her kids away from her. Oh yeah,...she wasn't..and they did. My bad. Source Here

"Spears and Federline settle custody case".

Apples or oranges, either way, the kids are screwed. Source Here

"Jimmy Kimmel puts Ed McMahon back to work".

Ed said he has no problem cleaning Jimmy's toilet. Or serving him and his posse drinks and hors d'oeuvres. He even trims Jimmy's toenails and grooms his back hair. But he still has his pride, and refuses to sit and pretend to laugh at Jimmy's lame jokes. Johnny Carson he . ain't. Hell, he ain't no Arsenio either. Source Here

"Police: Paparazzi, guards, fight at Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's chateau”

Boys, boys, wait your turn. I'm sure she'll get around to adopting everyone eventually. Source Here

"Omarosa doesn't regret spat with TV host".

Her only regret ? Not actually having spat on her. Source Here

"‘Lost’ creators know how series will end".

Here's a hint. Patrick Duffy and Victoria principal are said to be involved. Source Here

"Hollywood writers protest ‘American Idol’".

Humph... don't you think it should be the songwriters doing the protesting? Source Here

"Lohan makes 'girlfriend' joke about Ronson"

Said Lindsey to a friend; I' ve got to be careful not to drink too much with the ole ball n chain hanging around. She's been on the rag lately. Source Here

From Hero to zero (tough on stains)

If you asked me, Hayden Panettiere sounds awfully spoiled. Just look hear what she says to OK magazine. “I still want a mom and dad to take care of me and do my laundry, ’cause I can’t do it. No, I’m kidding. I can do laundry!” I just refuse to do it. Besides what else do they have to do, it's not like they have hundreds of thousands of people screaming at them at Comic Com now do they? And if they say no, I'll just get my assistant to do it. But I'd rather not bother her, she has a hard enough time getting me my Iced Bombay Tea when I want it. It would take her days to just do my blouses, my mom only works 40 hours a week so she has lots of time.

Well that's all folks I gotta go. It seems my boss at a charity auction agreed to pose nude for an art class. So guess what I have to do tonight posing as him? I hope the room is not too cold. I is sometimes suffer from shrinkage. Don't giggle girls, it's a real problem. Seven out of 10 men suffer from it and it causes deep emotional scarring. Most of these men are under severe peer pressure and are too embarrassed to come forward to discuss their issues with their issues and low self-esteem. A casually tossed acerbic one-liner comparing a man's penis, to that of a eight-year-old nephew can cause severe permanent damage to a man’s psyche and his personal well-being. So don't mock us ladies, it's a real problem, it's serious and can ultimately lead to fatality. Those penis enlargement products are really dangerous, they rank 374th on the top 500 list of ways men die. So keep your thermostat set at room temperature and watch out for drafts, and for god’s sake, keep your windows closed.

Doc B Gone baby gone.

Madonnas sex tape... it's got goats (?!)/Country Music Snobs Snub Jessica

2008-07-21T23:30:00.000-04:00

Heidi Ho Folks Doc B here.

Can't talk. Must wash clothes. On a deadline. Heres the news.

But first…

“Before I speak, I have something important to say.”
“Groucho Marx”

Country Crowd Too Cultured for Jessica

That poor girl Jessica Simpson, she just can't catch a break. Unable to cut it as a pop star. A total failure as a film star. A walking punchline as a reality TV star. What else was she to do but turn to country music. So on the weekend she squeezed back into her Daisy Dukes to perform songs off her new country album at something called the "Country Thunder USA festival in Randall, Wisconsin". Hmm… "Country Thunder USA " you say,... it must be culture week in Wisconsin, but I digress. It seems poor little Jessica's stab at performing country music got off to a bit of the inauspicious start. Sensing hostility she tried to warm up the crowd with some old-fashioned country goodness, all natural, just like mom's, humble pie."I don't know what your perception is of Jessica Simpson or what tabloid you buy, but I just want you to know that I'm just a girl from Texas, I'm just like you. I'm doing what I love and dating a boy." Humph! Well I'm not exactly doing what I love, but I would like to know how she found out about the boy I'm dating. Still, unfortunately for Jessica her cute little psychic tricks about love didn't cut her any slack with the audience."Just because she's dating Tony Romo it doesn't make her country," one concertgoer told the Kenosha News, a local paper. Hmmm... he has a point, "it doesn't make her country". No, I suppose it would take a lobotomy, a pickup truck with a gun rack, and a general (or intimate) knowledge of livestock for that. Still I'm not so sure that the concertgoer that the Kenosha News interviewed was "country". Did anyone happen to take notice of his diction? I mean it's obvious,... listen to his grammar. He says"it doesn't make her country". You see, you see, right there. Well can't you see it? It's a big red flag, how could you miss it? The concertgoer says "it doesn't". When in fact the proper "country" phrasing would be, "it don't". And when used in a sentence it would sound like this; "it don't make her country". There. You see the difference? Clearly this concertgoer was some Northerner with an agenda, or ax to grind against poor little Jessica. (pause ) Honestly you would think the Kenosha News would screen their interviews a bit more thoroughly huh. One yokel even went so far as to say that Jessica was,"an embarrassment to country music." Really! More embarrassing than the TV show "Hee Haw". More embarrassing than Toby Keith? I think not. Is it more embarrassing than a whole genre of fans turning their backs on one of their own, simply because they've voiced an opinion about a certain elected president from Texas? Hmmm... somehow I doubt it. And while we're talking about embarrassing,... dudes, you' ve got to do something about those silly shirts. Well regardless of the IQ of her audience, it certainly appears that Jessica Simpson still has some work cut out for her if she wants to cross over into "country" music. Source Here

Sex and lies,and pine tar

I found this rather amusing when I came across it. If it's true, and let me reiterate, big f**king If! There are reports that sex tape between Alex Rodriguez and Madonna exists. It's a I know I know there's a lot of people out there get excited right now. Yeah you know who you are. You can't wait to see this sex tape to find out if Madonna really can walk the walk, like she talks the talk. I hear you. Oh how many fantasies would be ruined if by chance she just happened to lay there, frigid and unresponsive like a wet rag. The story goes like this. " A cameraman claims to have a video of Madonna and baseball player Alex Rodriguez romping on a sofa.
He is trying to sell the tape - allegedly shot with a hidden camera in an apartment owned by a friend of the cameraman which was used by the couple for secret liaisons – for £1 million.
The unnamed owner of the tape claims he visited the property and hid a camera, pointed at the sofa which captured the X-rated footage two months ago." Hmmm... I'm no lawyer that sounds slightly illegal. Fun. But illegal nonetheless. Could this story be true? I suppose it's possible, maybe even plausible. However, Madonna is embarking on a tour for her album, therefore she could be behind all this talk to garner media attention to sell more tickets. Yep, I have my doubts, but I think it may be true. It just so happens a friend of a friend got his hands on some audio of the tape and sent me the transcript. I've received permission from my friend to present to you an excerpt, unedited of course.

Alex; I can't believe this is happening... that were here together,... now.
Madonna: O... you can believe it loverboy. [Zipppp] batter up!
Alex: You know, I never really found you good looking, or beautiful, you know. But you got that look. That look that says you've got something, and that something... is really good.
Madonna: Shut up ball boy, the time for talk is passed. You're in the playoffs now and it's time for action.
Alex:Uh... Gee I don't know, I usually choke in the playoffs. Can't we just pretend it's a spring training?
Madonna: Whatever floats your boat loverboy... did you remember to put pine tar on your bat?
Alex: Pine tar? Won't I get all sticky?
Madonna. Only if you're lucky lover. Take me now or lose me forever.
Alex: Was that the go signal... I'm always get in my signs mixed up?
Madonna: Please don't talk anymore
Alex: (silence)
Madonna: Good!

[Inaudible] This part here was a little muffled folks. But from what my trained ear could decipher, sounded a lot like naked flesh on leather. You know, that sound that happens when you get out of your car seat on a sticky day after you've been driving for an hour. That sound, lots of it, for about 40 minutes. Towards the end of the tape, it started to get a little freaky. I can't be sure... but I'm positive I heard some goat noises. And then, and once again I can't be sure... but I'm positive I heard someone talking Flemish. Baking muffins. They sounded delicious. But the ending was absolutely surreal. Alex was moaning... presumably from pleasure? Then I heard it, that unmistakable voice I've listen to throughout my childhood. Clear as a bell. It was Harry Carey singing, "Take Me out to the Ballgame". Time for the seventh inning stretch. When I get more you'll be the first to know. Promise. Hmmm... I feel like... muffins. Source Here

Into the abyss

So Amy thought she was going through a low ebb huh. I wonder how she'll colorfully describe this crevice she's about to fall into,hmmm. "A London judge sentenced singer Amy Winehouse’s husband today to 27 months in jail for assault and obstructing justice".
You may recall that I mentioned before on these very pages that she was quite delusional about the fact that Blake would be coming home any time soon. She'll no doubt find some loony way to protest this judgment, and then punch some fan in the face. And then she'll get drunk. Ba-da-dum-dum. Thank you, thank you. You're a smart audience. And what's the deal with this weather,huh? Weird. Source Here

He really loves me, he just hasn't told her yet

Lance Bass thought he had found true love, and the right man. A personal trainer named Sebastian Leal. But..and girls, you can relate, it turns out the guy is married! And get this! To a woman,...en plus! It seems Sebastian "married US citizen Jessica Gannon nine years ago - and never got a divorce. The two separated three years ago, due to what Gannon told us through a rep were "irreconcilable differences". Hmmm... that term is so vague. It leaves a lot open to interpretation. Hmmm... I wonder just what irreconcilable differences" got in the way of their marriage? Anyhow what could go wrong, they're in love. A friend of Lance offered this. "Lance and Sebastian are very open with each other and have no secrets."
Out of concern, I called up Lance myself, and asked him to comment about the fact that his boyfriend Sebastian was married to a woman.
He replied, He's what!............ He's f**king married!..............Son of a....... suddenly., I feel fat.
Cheer up Lance I'm sure he'll leave his wife for you. Don't they all? Source Here

Well that's all folks. I gotta go buy some more Shout. Some of these stains really don't want to come out. And what the hell is this? Mayonnaise!.......................Shit! It's not mayonnaise.

Doc B Gone baby gone

If I Had A Million Dollars... I'd Be (Allegedly) Stoned. Dina Loves Her Newly Gay Daughter Lindsay.

2008-07-20T23:51:00.000-04:00

Heidi Ho folks Doc B. here.

I've been really busy trying to get on my boss’ good side again, so I've been really busy. So no f***ing around. Here's the news.

But first…

"I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that”
“Groucho Marx”

Who?

This headline caught my eye, "Mellencamp calls himself an ‘ex-rock star’". And this is news? Anyhow I guess it's nice to know he's no longer in denial. I'm not sure he ever technically could have qualified as a rock star, one things for sure, he is a long way from being one now. It happens to everyone, they lose their motivation, their drive, their inspiration. That, and he's been hanging out in Willie Nelson's bus too much. Source Here

Is Lilo Gay? Her Mom Sure Hopes So.

Another day, and another story over at the New York Daily News about Lindsay Lohan, and her alleged lover Samantha Ronson. And why not, everyone's doing it? Over at Life & Style magazine
they get right to the point, and ask "Is Lindsay Gay?" Well that is the million dollar question is it not? (or could be if Lilo plays her cards right.) So, is she or isn't she? Whichever it is, her mother isn't taking any chances and is trying to appear accepting and supportive. At a club in Manhattan, Dina "followed the supposedly Sapphic couple around the Sephora party all night, gushing over Sam. Lindsay finally dodged mommy dearest and camped out behind Samantha in the deejay booth, emerging only to have a quick chat with performer Natasha Bedingfield. Couple or not, Lindsay and Sam couldn't have looked happier and Dina was all smiles, telling partygoers just how cute she thought the pair looked, making sure reporters were never out of earshot". I guess it's better than the alternative, such as going through video trying to determine if legal action is warranted, or a settlement is needed. All because your daughter was we stayed again, called up, out back of a nightclub, in the alley, cleaning some guys pipes. All caught on film. Oh joy. No,... something tells me that Dina would much prefer to see Lilo this way, then on some site where you have to pay $19.95 to see her, in all her trailer trash, skanky glory. Muff diving or no, I'm sure Dina will appear to accept this end milk it for all it's worth, to garner favor in the courts against her husband, and the gay demographic she hopes will watch her pathetic reality show. Humph... Mom of the year, indeed. Source Here

... I'd Be Stoned!

If I had $1 million, I could buy a... brick. Hmmm... but with $50 I can get a half a gram.
It seems Steven Page , a member of the Canadian band The Bare Naked Ladies "was charged with fourth-degree criminal possession of a controlled substance, a felony that carries a maximum penalty of up to 15 years in prison" Holy shit! 15 years... for a fourth degree criminal possession! In Canada a child can carry that much coke on him as long as it isn't separated into little bags with the intention of selling. If the kid can prove it's for personal use, then he gets nothing but a slap on the wrist. If that? Anyways, this arrest comes at a bad time for the group as they have just released a children's album entitled "Snacktime". Songs included on the album are Munchies Munchies Munchies, Zig-Zag All the Way to School, Blow the Man down, Fun with Glue, Whippets, and a whimsical cover of Guns and Roses "Mr. Brownstone". Manager Terry McBride had this to say "We cannot comment because the matter is before the courts, but we are confident our client Steven will be completely exonerated," McBride said in a statement. "Until that time, it's business as usual for the Barenaked Ladies."
And thanks to some special magical Colombian powder, business is good. Source Here

Get Over It (Go Habs Go)

Québec nationalist and separatists (aren't they one and the same?) have been an uproar over Paul McCartney performing a free concert as part of Québec's 400th anniversary celebrations. A group of Québec artists and politicians have gotten together and it sent an open letter that denounces McCartney's free concert, saying that his appearance "misrepresents the spirit of the 400th anniversary celebrations, which commemorate the fight for the survival of the French language in North America". Hmmm... it seems to me having Eric Lapointe, or Roch Voisine, or say Les Cowboys Fringants wouldn't pack in 200,000 people. It's a celebration people, not a political rally. However that's not how some people see it. Artist Luc Archambault wishes that "McCartney would invite Quebec folk legend Gilles Vigneault up on stage Sunday night to sing Gens du Pays, Quebec’s unofficial anthem." Reports dennis9962.wordpress.com
Oh great, I hope you have the words written down, because no one can freaking remember them. Anyways you already had Celine Dion set to perform and (unfortunately) remind everyone that she's from the Belle Province. Isn't the humiliation and embarrassment of Celine enough for one celebration? Throughout all this Sir Paul has remained unflappable."I think it's time to smoke the pipes of peace and to just, you know, put away your hatchet because I think it's a show of friendship," McCartney said.
Damn straight... let it be people, let it be. Source Here and Here

A Rappers Cry For Help... Will It Go Unheard?

This just in, DMX arrested again.
What for this time? Hmmm... let me check. (Pause) this could take awhile. It's a really big file, takes a long time to open.
Ah... here we are D. D, Dina , Dick, DMX, hmmm... it's a big freaking file, let me see weapons charges, drug possession, weapons again, weapons again, drugs again, battery, drugs again, animal cruelty, failure to appear in court, drug possession again, and again, ah... here it is."Rapper DMX was arrested at a Phoenix, Arizona, mall Saturday on suspicion of giving a gave a false name and Social Security number to a hospital to get out of paying for medical expenses". The clearly exasperated County Sheriff Joe Arpaio said "He's back in jail again,"I don't know why judges keep letting this guy out. (Fans, I guess?) Every time he goes in there, he gets out on bond.
"I'm hoping this is the one time he's going to pay the penalty for his offense," he added. My dog Bruce thinks this is just another case of the government coming down on the minorities. Bruce claims the government has long had it in--for people whose names are all in CAPITAL letters, such as DMX. I on the other hand do not subscribe to this conspiracy theory. No, it's not a conspiracy that DMX lands in trouble all the time, it's a cry for help. It's obvious DMX is just reaching out... the only way he knows how. It's not the penal system and punishment that will help change this man's life. He's simply... misunderstood, is all. It's most likely he was lacking a father figure while growing up, possibly the child of single mother, prison won't make this man better. Where is your compassion Sheriff Arpaio? Can't you see DMX is hurting, he's reaching out. Don't slap his hand,... take it, and guide him. Make him a better person with your understanding and kindness, won't you?
Together we can make the world a better place, if you will just take take the time and be a dad to DMX, you can make the world a better place. The balls in your court Sheriff Arpaio. What are you going to do? Source Here

Sarah Jessica Is Filled With Rage And Anger.

I found what Sarah Jessica Parker said to Grazia magazine most amusing, "After Maxim.com dubbed Sarah Jessica Parker the “Unsexiest Woman Alive,” the actress told Grazia magazine she found the label “so brutal in a way, so filled with rage and anger.” Hmmm... if she would have been in the magazines feature on Women with Bags on Their Heads, maybe she'd have a point. No the people who named her the Un-Sexiest Woman Alive weren’t feeling rage or anger, although they were being brutally honest about a woman who bears a remarkable resemblance to a very unattractive eunuch. Aren't you the one feeling filled up with rage and anger Sarah, hmmm...? And by the way, why don't you get a mole to chew that thing on the side of your face, it's really offputting. Source Here

Well that's it that's all folks. I gotta go do some ironing. Not mine, my bosses. Like I said, trying to get on his good side again.

Doc B. Gone baby gone

Dick… Being A Dick. On The Hump

2008-07-16T22:37:00.000-04:00

Heidi Ho folks Doc B. here.

I'm exhausted, I think I've got a cold. I think I might have to call in sick at work, although I don't know how well that will go over after the whole abduction thing and all. There isn't much to get excited about since it's a pretty slow news day. That being said, take a glance at what I scraped up. Here's the news.

But first…

“Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.”
“Conan O'Brien”

Dick Being A Dick

Now auditioning for a part as the sleazy smut peddler in the new Tarantino movie,... Andy Dick!
Comedian Andy Dick got himself arrested Wednesday for alleged sexual battery, and suspicion of drug use. "A 17-year-old girl told police that she was outside when Dick left the bar, walked up, "grabbed her tank top and bra and pulled them down and exposed her breasts,". This all happened at a "Buffalo Wild Wings". (where all the loser celebs hang out) in Murrieta. Hmmm... yes that does seems like the typical spot one would...... lose their f***ing mind! What is this guy... retarded! Pardon me,... mentally challenged. It might sound like fun, but I'm pretty sure there is a law against pulling down women's clothes. I think in some countries, they chop off your hands, ... or even shoot you. This fella sure knows how to live up to his namesake. Don't you think? This is not Dick's first brush with the law of course, he's been arrested before after slamming his car into a telephone pole, and was found with marijuana and cocaine. And just last year. "Dick was cited in Columbus, Ohio, for urinating on the sidewalk. A comedy club owner in the city said the actor also made inappropriate comments while onstage, groped patrons, took women into the men's room and urinated on the floor and on at least one person." (Ironically, that person was R. Kelly) Hmmm... how did this guy never hit the big- time? Click on the source below, his mug shot looks like he's trying out for a part as the villain in the next Batman movie. Of course for now we have to presume he's innocent. Until he cops a plea, does some community service and, rehab naturally.
Source Here

Protective Mother Or Spurned Capitalist?

Well who are you going to believe?
There's been a lot of reports circulating, that Nicole Kidman has said she would never consider selling photos of her baby. Bravo I say, commendable. If only more celebs would step up and do the right thing like Nicole, the world would be a better place. Of course there's always going to be some haters out there, you know, jealous folk. Some people have been suggesting that Nicole just didn't get the price she wanted, that she was too demanding. "One editor at a celebrity weekly said, "She wanted $3 million and we weren't going to pay that." Who does she think she is? She's not in the same league as Angelina, or as beautiful as Halle Berry. Hmmm... I'm beginning to suspect that these reports might be true. What the hell has she done that's been any good anyways? Nothing really. Don't, please don't, bring up "The Hours". It's brutal! Just an overwrought, pretentious dog of a movie. I haven't liked much of what she's been in. Hmmm... so who you going to believe folks? Nicole or the editor? I'd like to think that she's a fine upstanding citizen who would never exploit and pimp out her children, but I have my doubts. She's always seemed a little strange, like her movies. Odd, cold, bitter, frigid, snobbish, boorish, vapid, and not very interesting . So maybe she didn't get the price she was demanding, like they claim. At this point... I have a hard time taking her at her word. After all, she is Australian. And they loved Hitler. So that's one black mark against them, right? (Pause)... What's that Bruce? What have you got there,... a map? What is it you're trying to show me boy? Oh..................... Austria. So what you're saying Bruce, is that Australians didn't support Hitler? It was Austrians? Wrong country huh? Sorry mate's , my bad. Let's move on. Source Here

Germ-Free... Or Else.

It seems Nicole Richie has developed a nasty obsessive-compulsive disorder since giving birth to her daughter."A source said: “Nicole double washes her daughter Harlow’s clothes and double sanitises her bottles, baby spoons - anything Harlow eats out of." That doesn't sound too bad, except it was only the beginning. While her fiancé Joel was away she hired a crew to come over and completely scrub the whole place down. A crew recommended by NASA. She banished the dogs outdoors and hired a hunter (her neighbor, Mel Gibson) to kill the deer that had been approaching her property because she was afraid of ticks. Crazy Mel didn't even use a gun... just a sharp pole and a big rock. Everyone that comes over must now must wear a full gown, plastic slippers over their feet. Hairnets and surgical mask are also required at all times. If you don't comply, you exit through a trap door underneath your feet. You can't walk in her house without stumbling across hand sanitizer and rubber gloves. Joel woke up in the middle of the night and discovered Nicole, down on all fours, weeping, because she couldn't get a stain out of the floor in the kitchen. ( I cast thee out, evil wicked spot, she muttered.) Turns out it was just a knot in the wood. Not convinced, Nicole had the floor replaced the next day. In the last few days things have gotten even worse, leaving Joel panicked at what Nicole might do. She's become paranoid that someone might enter the house with their germs and infect the baby, so she has bought an AK-47. (Because it never jams) Joel is hoping this is just a phase. But word has already gotten out, after a particularly unkempt pool boy received a warning shot just pass his ear. They've even stop receiving mail. Hmmm... maybe it is just a phrase, but if you're planning on visiting, you better wear a flak jacket. Source Here

Well that's it, that's all folks. I gotta go, I'm exhausted. I gotta get some sleep. Bruce has promised to wake me up in the morning since my alarm clock is broken. I'm so tired.

Doc B. Gone baby gone

Brangelina are the new Waltons/Madonna's greasy salamander.

2008-07-14T23:51:00.000-04:00

Heidi Ho folks Doc B. here

It sure is good to be back home, Bruce has a new haircut, Luis has lost some weight, but Antonio remains off the grid. Geez what a trip... I feel like I need a vacation. Weird huh. Here's the news.

But first…

"You may not be able to change the world, at least you can embarrass the guilty."
“Jessica Mitford”

The Greasy Salamander And The Material Girl

Family sure can be funny sometimes, case in point; Christopher Ciccone i.e. the greasy salamander. Madonna's brother has been popping up everywhere promoting his book, pimping out intimate family details to make a fast buck. The kind of intimate details that come with the warts we call family, in every person's life. Which is why it's so much fun to read when it's someone else's family. The greasy salamander lays out all the pathetic and petty squabbles, arguments, fist fights, attempted murder, etc., etc., that is so common in a family unit. That's why it came as a bit of a shock when he seemed to be defending his sister about her alleged affair with Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez. Considering the fact that he had no qualms about naming who she had slept while she was married to Sean Penn. But hey, it's his 15 minutes, and he's got a book to sell. He was asked about the affair on "Good Morning America", here's what he said;"I think it's highly unlikely," (buy my book.) "I know Alex from Miami," Ciconne said. (Buy my book.) "I doubt this is actually an affair. . . (Please buy my book.) . I'm sure she had nothing to do with the breakup of their marriage. (Sean's yes,.. buy my book.) It seemed absurd to me, (but not as absurd as the gory details in my book, on sale now. Buy my book) Truly, I don't believe it." (Pure fantasy! Not like my 100% no bullshit, absolutely true life stories that only your family could know, book on sale now at fine stores everywhere. Also, I'll be in the parking lot from 3 p.m. till 7 p.m., look for the grey Ford Tempo. A free Fresca with each purchase.) Hmmm... I guess if the greasy salamander says she didn't do it, he would know, being her brother and all. Although in the end he does lay it on a bit thick, when he says; "Despite everything else, she's still a Catholic girl." Yep, she always keeps her rosary beads in a safe place, close to her. If any of you ladies should come across some rosary beads hanging on the door of a bathroom stall of some club, you'll know Madonna is in the house, and this stall is occupied, so f**k- off bitch! (Oh yeah, if you touched the beads.. don't forget to wash your hands). Source Here

All In The Family

Over@themirror.co.uk, is a report about Brad and Angie's twins getting together with the rest of their clan for the first time. Hmmm... I imagine it was quite the homey affair, with Brad and the Missus, with the new birthin's meeting all the other young folk, and with ole Bessie about to give birth, and grandpa losing his teeth , it was pretty wild. Wild Times, good times. Yep the Mirror report's that "Overjoyed dad Brad Pitt introduced his newborn twins to the rest of his children yesterday." Knox, Vivienne... I'd like you to meet Mary Ellen and Elizabeth, Jim Bob and John Boy, and Erin and Ben, grandma Olivia and grandpa Zeb and soon will be taking you home to the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia. God knows that's what it looks like you're shooting for isn't it folks? Or maybe I'm all wrong on this, maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way. Hmmm... have I been too glib and missed the point totally. Perhaps if I look at it from another perspective, a different point of view. (Pause) ah yes,... I'm seeing things in a different light. I've got it! By Jove I've got it! This is an "Eight Is Enough" angle isn't it? Well isn't it? Hmmm... no. "The Brady Bunch?". No?! (Fume) Well how about throwing me a frickin' bone huh! Is it "Leave It to Beaver"? No it can't be. Well, I'm stuck. Let's move on shall we.
Is it the Von Trapp family?................. dammit. Moving on. For real. Source Here

Like Rocks But In A Good Way

Naomi Campbell wants you to really really really really know , that she's not a really really really bad person. Just misunderstood. She elaborated; "I'm not a bad person. When people say all these negative things about me, I ignore them. (They are like the slimy green stuff that grows underneath rocks, and we all know rocks can't talk, so I can't hear them.)
"Let them be negative - but do that away from me. (Or else Antoine will get up all inside your face.) It hurts but I know there is much more good in the world.
"I'm blessed to be able to do charitable work and good things but no one focuses on that because (I'm a crazy bitch.) I don't throw it in people's faces. ( Because phones hurt more, and are easier to throw.) That's why they focus on the negatives." (Because they all got fat asses and lumberjack thighs and are just jealous of what I got.) Well, that certainly was enlightening, to bad she ends on a cliché."At times like this, you really know who your friends are and it means so much." (Such as my agent, my lawyer, my manager, and my dealer.) Yeah, you go girl. Source Here

A Bone!

The Huxtables? Mamas Family? The Bundy's? C'mon ..I'm stuck, throw me a frickin' bone won'tcha!
Is it Ozzie and Harriet?... (whimper).
You're so mean. I tell you if I knew. Moving on.

Black Tar = Black Gold

And finally, Amy Winehouse's dad is not well. Hmmm... I wonder what could be bothering him."Mitch isn't well," the friend said. "He has been taking a lot on and has been dedicating himself to trying to improve Amy's health. But his own health has suffered as a result. She told him not to worry about her – but that's easier said than done."
You feeling stressed dad? Amy asked.
I've got something I could cook up to help you with that, it feels great. If you get too low I've got something else to pick you up. I got everything you need pop's. Just let Amy take care of you. You'll be right as rain. Look at me I'm fine-cough cough. Eww... what's this black stuff? Source Here

Well that's all there is folks, I gotta go figure out this Brad and Angie brood-ha-ha. It's really bugging me now. Is it the Griswold's? The Ewings? I just know I won't be able to sleep tonight. Dammit.

Doc B. Gone baby gone

Angelina Delivers, The Banshee Terrorizes, And Britney's Back Bitch! On The Hump.

2008-07-13T21:39:00.000-04:00

Heidi Ho folks Doc B. here.

I just got back from a business trip in Europe and boy am I tired. It must be the jet lag, so you'll forgive me if my post seems a little subdued today. Without futher ado, here's the news.

But first…

“I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide...”
“Mitch Hedberg”

Finally,.. The Laundry Soap Was Costing Me A Fortune!

Hallelujah, praise Allah, thank you Jesus, ... Angelina Jolie's babies have finally arrived( Woo Hoo!) and my bladder couldn't be more relieved. Finally I can take off the plastic off my computer chair, and give grandma back her supply of Depends. Her neighbors in the apartment downstairs thought that her toilet was leaking so this birth has come in the nick of time, before they get wise. Anyhow, Angie delivered a boy and a girl, twins, obviously. The boy is said to be called Knox Leon and the girl, Vivienne Marcheline. The two were delivered by C-section and weighed barely 5 pounds each,( her stomach was humongous, where’s the rest of em’?) which don't seem like a hell of a lot but is probably normal considering they're early. Though not early enough to save me from ruining a complete wardrobe of Tommy Hilfiger and Lois jeans. Doctors claim the mother and the babies are doing well, so now let the bidding war begin. That's right folks, competing magazines are going to be chomping at the bit( among other things) to get their hands on the very first photos of the twins. How much is can it be enough, your guess is as good as mine?( A biillllionnn dollars) But according to sources, 20 to 25 million seems plausible.( can you say—holy shit!) Of course money might not be enough knowing Angie and Brad. A few magazine editors and CEOs might have to give up their firstborns to adoption by Brad and Angie (because they're rich, powerful, beautiful, and therefore way better parents than some magazine hack) to seal the deal. But even that might not be enough, Brad and Angie might also expect donations to charity, stories documenting the plight of orphaned children, and a small island as a gift for Brad and Angie to raise their brood. All this and more are on the table, open to negotiations. This is bound to be biggest baby photos scam in history, so you can chuck good sense out the window because these twins are about to raise the bar, and set a dangerous new precedent. Brad and Angie may not have to work for years, no red carpets, no movies, no interviews, just making babies and spending the wealth.Why someday they may even get their own special award for pro-creating such beautiful children. So don't come crying to me folks when they don't appear in movies for the next couple years, your humble Doc B. has given you ample warning. But do people listen to me? Nooooooooooo... they do not. And what for? For some silly pictures of some babies. Humph... it's not like they're your kids, so what's the big deal? All babies look the same anyways when they're newly born. I can save you a few bucks and describe them for you. They're going to be red faced with a smidgen of hair, looking like miniature versions of Ernest Borgnine. (Pause). What, you don't believe me? I don't know if it's true, but I've heard rumors that Angie and Ernest Borgnine were staying in the same hotel around the time the babies would have been conceived.
Hey, stranger things have happened. Source Here

Awakening

Better late than never I say. It would seem Amy Winehouse's dad Mitch has finally come to the realization that his daughter's lifestyle maybe killing her. He said recently,"My biggest fear is that she would die and she won't die of a drug overdose, it won't be that quick," . Hmmm... I think he's selling Amy a little short, I think she has it in her to die suddenly of an overdose, but what do I know, I'm not her father. He goes on to elaborate that,"She would die, unfortunately, of emphysema. That would be the most likely scenario if she didn't check her behaviour, which she is doing.
"But if she didn't, that would be a likely scenario and we would be talking about a very slow and painful death, gasping for air." Ah yes, a father's love is a powerful thing. (?!)
Hmmm... I wonder what finally woke him up to the fact that she has a problem? Oh, he's probably been going over the books and realizes that she doesn't have enough of a back catalogue for him to live comfortably after she's gone. (Pause). What? You think I'm cynical, don't you?
"Winehouse will start writing her new album from September," he added. Hmmm... we'll see folks, we'll see. Source Here

Screw Emphysema Give Me A Colombian Grave

And speaking of Amy's imminent death. The UK newspaper The Sun apparently has photos of Amy at some nightclub, "snorting something behind the DJ booth". Hmmm... it's a good thing she's checking her behavior just like her dad said, huh. Anyhow, The Sun reports that, "She left at 2am with one of the bar’s lamps and what looked like half of Colombia up her nose". Hmmm... you see. I told you her dad was selling her short, screw emphysema, Amy's gunning for a coke addled cardiac arrest overdose, following the great tradition of many a rock star. If only her dad had more confidence in her, he would see that a slow painful death is not in the cards. Nope. Looks like emphysema will have to find some other victim, cause Amy is not having any of it. It's better to burn out, then fade away. Source Here

Baby Photo Scam Update

While I've been gone, the baby scams keep rolling in. We all know that Angie and Brad are going to make a fortune on their babies photos, but how are some of the lesser light celebs making out, huh. Well here's an update. Actress "Jessica Alba has sold photographs of her daughter Honor Marie for $1.5 million." Hmmm... only $1.5 million huh! I guess this is a reality check for her, it's time to stop making crappy movies like Fantastic Four and The 10, if she wants her brood to command the big bucks.
Matthew McConaughey on the other hand, made a cool 3 million bucks off his kid Levi's photo. It just goes to show you that is back catalog of films have made more money than Jessica's. And finally, I see that Jamie Lynn Spears posed with her baby on the cover of OK magazine. I didn't see any dollar figures, but if she's anything like her sister, she was probably paid in a year's supply of Cheetos and Mountain Dew. Source Here

The Way Of The South

Speaking of Jamie Lynn Spears and her OK magazine article, I came upon this little nugget of info. In the article Jamie Lynn talks about her mom, Lynn Spears, being "a hands- on grandma."
She says,"Mama has been here a bunch," she said. "She wants to see the baby all the time. She told me the doctors are always going to be real strict and tell you, 'Don't do this and don't do that.' Just follow your instincts. You're the mother and you know what your baby needs. That's what I've done and it seems to have worked." (Cough-cough). These people really live in their own little bubble of a world don't they? But hey, who am I to give advice.
Maybe Jamie Lynn will be a great mom,........ man! Did I really just write that? I must be still suffering from jet lag . I would never purposely writes something so fictitious. We all know it's not Jamie Lynn thats going to be raising the baby. It's the staff of nannies from El Salvador that will be doing the heavy lifting when it comes to raising the baby.
Anyhow Jamie Lynn is already looking forward to when the baby is a little older. She says she plans to raise baby Maddie in the South where "the focus is family." Humph... yeah I've heard that about the South. I've heard that if you've been married three times
and still have the same in-laws, that it's normal. I've heard that in the South, you go to your sister's wedding so you can kiss the bride. I've heard it's quite common to miss your graduation because your kids were sick . Your wife can't fix you dinner because she has cheerleading practice. The highlight of your family reunion was your sister's nude dancing debut. Somebody yells "Hoe down!" and your wife hits the floor . You got stopped by a state trooper..He asked you if you had an I.D
.And you said, 'Bout What?' I've heard that in the South, they think TacoBell is the Mexican phone company
But I digress
I guess I'll end this on a note of caution, Jamie Lynn says,"They don't have soccer down here, but I would love being the softball mom driving the kids around." Hmmm... if she has any of Britney's mad driving skills, it might be a short softball season. Source Here

Britney's Back Bitch!?

And staying in the family. The indications are all there that Britney Spears is gearing up for a comeback. Hey face it, the chick has been on a roll lately. She's been able to see her kids again, she's filming something secret for Madonna's tour, and following her successful guest appearance on TVs "How I Met Your Mother," she's fielding offers, and perhaps going to develop her own show. Nary a meltdown in sight, the question is, is Britney back? The answer is, not yet. But soon. All signs seem to be pointing to a well focused, and newly committed Britney. Hmmm... I sense some skepticism. And I hear you. Maybe I'm being overly optimistic but I think Britney is going to be back. And In a big way. I'm willing to bet on it. Of course if she leads the paparazzi to a beach and then proceeds to strip down to her underwear and hop into the ocean. And frolic in the water blissfully shaving her pubes in front of the cameras. All the while, her kids play with the handbrake of her car, having been left alone, and unattended. Then all bets are off. Forget I said anything. Source Here

Cry Of The Banshee

While I was over in Europe the last week, I heard a lot of unusual stories . Nay, make that frightening stories. Stories that I chalked up to superstition you know, that the locals would tell the visitors. Of the places I've visited however, one story re-occurred each time. Each place I had been talked of a hideous banshee whose sound shattering as voice caused the cries and anguish of the young children, and heart failure in many of their old-aged. It was said that this banshee terrorized parts of Europe at this time every year. As I said, I chalked this up to superstition. Just some backword yokels, making up shit, and trying to play with my head, you know what I mean? Then, I read this story and I realized everything they said was true. Oh how could I ever have doubted them? "A Page Six spy overheard Kelly at Charles de Gaulle Airport in Paris the weekend before July 4th telling a friend she was on a solo European vacation and she and Rosie were "taking a break." What a fool I was for not believing them. O'Donnell's rep says, "Kelly is back home. She goes on a European vacation alone every year." You see, they were telling the truth. Those poor, poor backward Europeans. I should've been more sympathetic, but you’d think they’d be able to speak better English if they don’t like people laughing at them, and calling them names. Not that I did any such thing, I’m speaking in general,…never mind. Source Here

That's all there is folks, I gotta go try and work off this jet lag. This guy on the plane home told me to walk on the carpet of my floor and make knots with my feet. I don't know if it's going to work, but it's worth a try.

Doc B. Gone baby gone

Stripper names, Heinz 57, Mac vs. PC, and Jessica Alba, tonight on BubbaHump.

2008-07-09T23:30:00.000-04:00

Heidi Ho folks Doc B. here.

I'm in a bit of a hurry, trying to catch a connecting flight, so I'll get to wit. Here's the news.

But first

"I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.”
“Mitch Hedberg”

Jessica Alba is one smart woman.

I guess we'll file this under blondes have more fun. Jessica Alba tells Cosmopolitan magazine what it was like being blonde.“When I went blonde for Sin City three years ago, I swear I’ve never had more male attention.
“I’d go to a bar and all these Arab Princes and much older men would want to buy me a drink – I’m talking guys in their 80s!”
Humph... well it seems pretty obvious to me, these men believe that blondes are easy. Reminds me of a good joke: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
Because red means stop. Did you hear this one. Why is a blonde like a door knob?
Because everybody gets a turn. Or. What's the mating call of the blonde?
"I'm *sooo* drunk!" And have you heard this one. What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
"I said: I'm drunk!"
Jessica being a smart girl wisely went back to her natural color. Source Here

Chick magnet

Matthew McConaughey's model girlfriend Camila Alves gave birth to a baby boy reports OK magazine "Camila and I were side by side the entire time," McConaughey told the magazine. "We are both tired and elated, and are so happy to have created the greatest miracle in the world - having a child and making a family." He also added, I can't wait until he's old enough to play the bongo drums naked in our living room, I'm really looking forward to that, and picking up hotties when I'm pushing his stroller down the beach. Babies are like chick magnets dude! Source Here

Hi, I'm a Mac, and I'm lonely.

It's all over for Drew Barrymore and Justin Long. The sickeningly, nauseating, cute couple have apparently ended their relationship. Said a spokesperson for Barrymore,"I can confirm the split with no additional comment,".
Over in the Valley, PC pumped his fist and let out a "Hell Yeah!" Source Here

Stripper names

Nicole Kidman and her hubby Keith Urban welcomed a new baby girl on Monday. The newborn weighed 6 pounds in 7 1/2 ounces and has been named... wait for it,-- Sunday Rose.
Hmmm... I think I knew a stripper named Sunday rose… no, wait I think her name was Sunny Blows. But I digress, Sunday rose is still better than the one Nicole was considering. Portable Wireless Personality Enhancer. The kid got off lucky. Source Here

Heinz 57

This silly headline caught my eye. "Jada Pinkett Smith Hires Dog Whisperer: Her pooch was killed by a snake".Humph… Dog Whisperer eh! Betcha 5 bucks this all relates back to his mother. Source Here

That's all folks I gotta go catch a plane. Destination, Evora.

Doc B. Gone baby gone

Mini Me’s ex strikes a low blow/ Will Smith’s freaky- deaky fetish.

2008-07-06T23:30:00.000-04:00

Heidi Ho folks Doc B. here.

Well we finally got the Bubbles situation under control, Antonio has shipped her off to Africa in a crate marked, medical supplies. We've been running around for days trying to hash out all the paperwork and details. But it's all over now, I can finally get back to my life. I'll be back at work tomorrow, and I have to go out of town, the country actually. I'm flying to Europe to meet up with my boss and his new life partner Pierre to go over some things. The blog might function intermittently while I'm in the air, and traveling. But I'll do my best to keep it updated. Here's the news.

But first…

"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.”
"Chris Rock"

Chill,.. You Betcha.

Will Smith knows how to keep the spice in his marriage it would seem. He says,“I took the suit home and my wife and I use it sometimes. Just around the house. It’s great.” Yeah it's great for when you're taking out the trash, or killing a really nasty, ugly spider. I had a girlfriend once that bought me a superhero costume to wear. Unfortunately it was the costume from "The Greatest American Hero", she said it was the only one that suited my build. (?) Will Smith sure seems like a normal guy, but you never can tell, can you? In an interview with BBC radio one he mentioned something that made me a little suspicious of him, he said,. “Madonna is in really good shape. I actually get a sexy chill every time I think about Madonna.” Hmmm... I get a chill every time I think about Madonna too, but it's not what you would call a sexy chill. Far from it in fact. No I would say when I get a chill when I think about Madonna, it is more akin to the one I got when I saw my grandmother squeezed into a bathing suit that she had not worn since before my mother had gone off to college. It gave me a chill right down my spine, all that leathery, pale, saggy skin poking out everywhere... it was horrible. Brrrr… let's move on shall we. Source Here

It's Now Or Never

This headline caught my attention, "ABBA members to attend film screening". At last, together again. "The four will be attending the screening of the Hollywood version of the Abba hit musical starring Meryl Streep and Pierce Brosnan ". At last, the four of them together in one room. This is our chance to take them out.
Huh, what for you ask? Crimes against humanity of course, this is our chance for revenge. (Pause). Yeah, you're right. It would be wrong. But a fella can dream can't he. Source Here

A-Rod Sneezed And Gave Himself An Enema

That Madonna seeing Alex Rodriguez story doesn't seem like it's going to go away anytime soon. If you don't know, A -Rod has been spotted the last couple weeks visiting Madonna's pad, taking the secret back elevator up . Some rumors say the elevator gets off in Madonna's bedroom. How convenient . Hmmm... I wonder if you have to take a number, or if you have to call in advance to get a reservation. Anyhow, A -Rod's wife Cynthia (who's staying at Lenny Kravitz's pad?!) Has supposedly revealed to a friend that she found a letter A -Rod wrote to Madonna which apparently said , "You're my soulmate." The friend also revealed that, "Cynthia, who now plans to divorce the New York Yankees star, added: "I believe he was having an affair with Madonna." The friend said: "This all started with Kabbalah.
"Alex told Cynthia that he'd discovered that he'd been looking for his soulmate. And now, he said, he'd found her." Humph… if Alex thinks he's found his true soulmate in Madonna, (whom one could describe as a half American loudmouth slut/snooty, trashy, loose English tart) then it's a wonder he hasn't suffocated yet, what with his head so far up his ass. Of course representatives for Madonna deny all this, saying that the baseball star and the pop singer share the same manager and that's all. I doubt this however, especially after reading this. Cynthia said, "I feel like Madonna's using mind control over him. I don't recognise the man he's become.
"He was a sweet, beautiful, loving husband and father. Today he's very cold and calculating." Uh-huh... cold and calculating eh. That sounds like someone whose been in contact with a Madonna, doesn't it? Hmmm... soulmates indeed. Source Here

How Low Can You Go?

And in the continuing wacky adventures of that vertically challenged little man, Verne Troyer, his ex-girlfriend confesses their bedroom secrets.Ranae Shrider reveals that "I never imagined one day I'd date a man who barely came up to my kneecaps.
"But as soon as I met Verne I was so captivated by his personality, his size didn't seem to matter.
"I liked him so much I even gave up wearing high heels for six months." Humph... if she really had been serious about him, she would have gotten her legs amputated below the knee to the ankle, and have her feet attached to the nubs . Not wearing high heels isn't much of a sacrifice if you ask me. She goes on to belittle him some more saying, "anything but the traditional missionary position was just impossible.
"So I'd lie on the bed and Verne would crawl up my legs to have sex with me. And as he did it his feet would be tickling my knees!" (awkward pause.) Brrr... she makes it sound like he's some kind of insect . But still, she doesn't stop there."It was strange having sex with someone who couldn't reach to kiss me at the same time, except for my tummy that is! I was so relieved it was over." Jeez it's enough to make the poor guy feel insecure, and inadequate, don't you think? I'm sure most men would. So if he wasn't feeling that way already after that, then this surely could not have helped. "He didn't wear a condom. There was no point, they're all too big". OUCH! Snap! Oh you did not just go there.
Hmmm... hypothetically speaking, I think if he killed her, no jury would convict him. Source Here

I Need A Hat, Size - F***Ing Enormous

Hmmm... rapper Jay- Z. must wear a huge f***ing hat, because his head is awfully swollen. It seems the rapper was not pleased with a review he received in the Sun.co.uk., and he told the person in question who wrote it what was on his mind." You were the only one who gave me a bad review. Everyone else said it was history.
“I’m not one of those guys who gets cut up about good or bad reviews but you missed the moment, man.
“It was a first for Glastonbury and you didn’t get it. You’re a non-believer. I was making history and you missed the moment.”
Hmmm... I guess I've missed a lot of those moments too, because for the life of me , I don't get Jay- Z. Sorry, but I think most of his crap is shit . Or is it, his shit is crap. Well, whatever it is, it stinks. I guess that makes me a nonbeliever too. It's my guess that he shops for hats at Egomaniacs and Actors R Us. Source Here

Still Wet

Still no babies, and still no bladder control. Angelina Jolie still hasn't popped out those twins, so we're all still officially on standby folks. I'll make a pot of coffee and stay on it.

Well that's all there is folks, I gotta go. I need to get my prescription filled before I fly. You could say I'm a white knuckle flyer, but most people say I go f**king bananas.

Doc B. Gone baby gone.

They saw their shadow, two more weeks of pregnancy dammit!

2008-07-02T23:30:00.000-04:00

Heidi Ho folks Doc B. here.

I managed to convince Antonio to consider another safe house other than his car to keep Bubbles under wraps, or bubble wrap, so to speak. I still had the keys to the apartment my boss kept in the city, for those long nights when he was too tired to drive home, you know. No, it's true, really. Never mind. Here's the news.

But first…

“I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.”
“Mitch Hedberg”

I'll Get A Mop

More shocking revelations in the Amy Winehouse saga. Well, not really shocking. Actually not shocking at all, but rather predictable and sad. Pathetic even. In a Rolling Stone interview she gave last month she confesses to never really trying to clean up. She says- "I've never been to rehab, I mean, done it properly. I'm young, and I'm in love, and I get my nuts off sometimes. But it's never been like, 'Amy, get your life together.'" Oh good, I'm glad to hear it's never gotten that far, that she's in total control. But she does have an excuse for her behavior, like every good junkie in denial. She rationalizes it this way. "To be honest, my husband's away, I'm bored, I'm young. I felt like there was nothing to live for. It's just been a low ebb." A low ebb? Her ebb was so low I saw Mini Me doing the limbo under it on his sex tape . Her ebb was so low it clothes-lined Tom Cruise at a red carpet event. (Yep, he's that short.) Her ebb was so low a deep core oil mining rig had to map out another path. Her ebb was so low that even Britney Spears began to worry. (Pause) wow... that's low. Anyhow, ebb aside, she also went on to discuss how she nearly collaborated with Pete Doherty on a record, but he seemed less than enthusiastic. When she discussed the idea with him, she says "he looked at me like I'd pooed on the floor".
Which she had. Involuntarily of course, but offputting nonetheless. She explains it this way."He wouldn't do it. We're just really close." Well, as close as two people can be when one smells of feces, and looks ravaged by the plague. It just makes it hard to get a really good table you know. Source Here

Better Than A Bag Of Shit.

Ever since Alec Baldwin has costarred on the TV show "30 Rock", he has been receiving the acclaim an actor of his stature deserves. And this week he received another accolade as the Horse and Carriage Association of New York has honored him. "The group "honored" him by naming the diapers attached behind the steeds to catch manure "Baldwin Bags". Hmmm... it seems an odd way to honor such a fine actor. There must be more to this story, and of course, there is. It seems Alec led a protest against the Horse and Carriage industry from earning a living in Manhattan. Jeez, what a prick. And with the price a gas so expensive these days, sheesh. These poor horses are only trying to earn an honest living, otherwise it would be the glue factory for them. And what about the drivers? Wouldn't they become drunk, dirty, smelly homeless people on the street if they were not able to earn a living? As opposed to being drunk, dirty, smelly people who live in their horse carriages. Hmmm... Alec has ambitions to run for office one day, and I hope he wasn't planning on running in Manhattan because I'd say he's angered a least one constituency there. You wouldn't think it, but the Horse and Carriage Association is an extremely powerful group. They've got the pictures nobody wants to see ever hit the light of day. The powers that be would never let that happen. They can't let that happen. Source Here

And No More Dylan.

Finally some good news. The wise and brutally honest Simon Cowell has banned all Alicia Keys songs from being performed on American Idol. The mirror reports that Alicia said, "At first he stopped people singing Falling, but now none of my songs are allowed!". Humph... why stop there? I've got a list of songs I don't want to hear butchered anymore, I just need to finish cataloguing them. I'm going alphabetically and I've only gotten to the D's so far. That's a total of 792 so far. Hmm... maybe I need to be a little less fussy. I suppose we can let them sing Dokken, and the Dave Clark Five. And Duran Duran sucks rocks anyways, a baby with colic singing one of their tunes would be an improvement over LeBon's wailing . I guess we can give them the Depeche Mode but scratch off the Dropkick Murphy's, Deep Purple, the Doors, Def Leppard and Deaf Cab for Cutie. Hmmm... I'm just going to look forward to the E's for a sec. The first one is the Eagles, scratch that. Well, maybe I can get the list ready by next Christmas and e-mail it to Simon, you know, as a suggestion. Source Here

Angelina's Pregnancy = Bladder Loss = Polyester Slacks…

Aawww... weeks! Weeks! That's what some French quack said today discussing Angelina Jolie's pregnancy. I don't know if I can take much more this, and I've been getting these really odd, sharp pains lately which I think is from agonizing over the impending birth of the twin poop dispensers . God knows my bladder is just shot now! Now I get the feeling we won't be able to revel in the awesomeness of Angelina's blimp physique since I think pictures will be hard to come by from here on. Angie "is expected to remain in medical care until she has the children she is not expected to give birth imminently". Wait a sec... wait a sec. Does imminently mean what I think it means? Where's my thesaurus... ah here it is. Aawww... shit! That's what I thought it meant. Shit, shit , shit!... oops! I did it again. I peed in my pants . And I am all out of clean underwear, all out of Depends. And now, all of corduroy pants dammit! Have to move on to polyester slacks now. They need to hurry up this pregnancy, maybe they should induce labor, before I induce a stroke, or at the very least, before I become a victim of a huge fashion faux pas! Hmmm... and why be so vague by suggesting it could be weeks? You'd think they'd be able to narrow it down a bit. I mean, I do have a life you know. I can't be expected to hover around my PC all day waiting for the big event to happen.
Oh OK. I'll stay on it. I want you to know I'm only doing it because I love you. It's gratifying to know the feeling is mutual. (Pause) what was that? I couldn't make it out between your dry heaving jag, could you repeat it?
Jeez... there you go again. You should see a doctor about that. Take a breath. Hmmm... let's move on. Source Here

Mini Bars And Mustangs

Sheryl Crow, Peter coyote in Viggo Mortensen are just a few celebrities who are participating in the enlightening documentary "Saving the American Wild Horse". (And God knows this blog is dedicated to enlightenment) it would seem in a rush for land grabs, the wild horse is in danger of being wiped out. Sheryl explains. "If any of these politicians visited these sites where our indigenous animals are being slaughtered in an inhumane way and being sold for meat, I feel that there would be a different take and a different approach to what's happening,". Humph... don't hold your breath waiting on any of those lazy, fat- cat, corrupt bastards coming down to see it. Most of them can't bear to be more in 20 feet away from their mini bar, let alone attend an event that might anger the very people that contribute to their campaigns. God forbid that they should actually get behind a cause as worthy as this. No, I doubt it and they only care about their polls, focus groups, and political aides, and their perk-laden career's. They are certainly not about saving a piece of the American old West. Far from it. Source Here

Well that's all there is tonight folks, I gotta go. There is like a million messages on my phone from the office. Oh shit. No one told them about my adduction. They probably think I flew off to Jamaica or something, again.

Doc B. Gone baby gone

Please God Make Angelina Deliver Now

2008-07-01T23:25:00.000-04:00

Heidi Ho folks Doc B. here.

Pardon me if I'm brief, I'm multitasking. I'll fill you in at the end, until then here's the news.

But first…

“I'm not offended by dumb blonde jokes because I know that I'm not dumb. I also know I'm not blonde.”
“Dolly Parton.”

Did You Hear The One About...

It seems Gossip Girl star Blake Lively despises comparisons to the more famous (infamous) blonde, Paris Hilton. She whines, "Since I have a dog and blond hair, that must mean we're alike. It's a dumb thing to say. I don't think that makes us similar,". Hmmm... that reminds me of a good one, "What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde?
A: The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?"
The nympho says, "Are you done already?"
The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige." He he... funny. Anyhow, she goes on to tell Seventeen magazine that "I don't know her, but I don't like being compared to anyone by somebody who doesn't know me." (snicker, snicker) Have you heard this one? "Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?

A: She missed".
Or this one? "How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her."
Or this one? "How do blonde brain cells die?
A: Alone."
Sorry, sorry, anyhow Blake goes on to say, "I'm my own person. I don't go to clubs, I don't party, I don't dance on tables and I don't like sex tapes." ... yeah! But do you have one? Huh! Don't skirt around the question, we're assuming you have one already anyways. Humph, guess we'll have to wait. In the meantime that reminds me, How does a blonde moon walk?
A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor! Source Here

A Glorious Return To Form

After performing admiringly at the Nelson Mandela concert it seems Amy Winehouse had a glorious return to form singing in Glastonbury. It seems she sang the first portion of her show well but her performance quickly deteriorated, say onlookers. Many were questioning what was in the glass she was drinking from. (liquid mental unstableness, I would imagine) Despite boos from the crowd she continued to rant on about her hubby Blake who's in jail awaiting to be sentenced for assault ".Amy defended him, saying: "Don't boo. I'll find your phone and ring your mum and tell them about your bad manners. Manners cost you nothing." Yes, too bad Amy, you can't trade them in for dope. Anyhow, after insulting JAY-Z and Kanye West, Amy saved her best for grand finale."The troubled star shockingly punched an audience member.
Glasto boss MICHAEL EAVIS defended Amy saying: “The man deserved it. He grabbed Amy’s breasts as she went past him.”
However another fan in the front row said it was actually a GIRL called Claire that was hit and she only tried to give the singer a high five." In any case, man or woman, they are lucky that Amy didn't spit on them. Emphysema is contagious right? Oh well, let's move on. Source Here

A Delusional Drug Addict... Go Figure

Moving not too far, actually not moving at all. It seems Amy Winehouse has lost her mind, when it concerns her hubby Blake who's rotting in jail. It would appear she left hospital early from her rehabilitation because she wants to make the house look tidy for when Blake gets out of the slammer. A source revealed: “Amy’s in another world. She’s like a child in a woman’s body. Yeah! A child with track marks all up and down her arm, who smokes like a Russian soldier, and drinks more than an American senator. I assume that's the child you were talking about? Because if I had to render a description to the police describing Amy, that's pretty much how I'd sum her up. Oh, and dark hair. Anyhow sources say “She has it in her head there is no way Blake can stay inside after he is sentenced in two weeks. She started sorting the house out for his return". Hmmm... I wonder if she can handle the truth? " . So! How did that work out? "
Her inner circle were then forced to tell her a few home truths — saying she needed to accept he could remain inside after he is sentenced for assault and trial-fixing"Amy was rattling on about Blake throughout her night out, when she trawled a string of late-night drinking dens with pals until 4.30am yesterday. Oh my! I'm shocked! I was so sure she turned the corner (sigh),... I'm so naïve.
Yet again, she was telling anyone who would listen about his “impending release” — just as she did at Glasto on Saturday". ... Cuckoo-cuckoo, (sigh), keep the faith Amy, keep the faith. Source Here

The Curse Of A-Rod

The New York Daily News is reporting, that Us Weekly is reporting that New York Yankees superstar Alex Rodriguez is hooking up with Madonna. A- Rod?
Madonna? I guess he likes them old, wiry, and bitter. The Yankees will never win another World Series with this guy in uniform. He's not a leader, he's nothing but a flake. Source Here

Please God

No word yet on whether or not the Twins up actually arrived, but numerous websites are reporting that Angelina Jolie is holed up in a French hospital getting ready to unleash the hounds, so to speak. I don't want to get my hopes up. I've learned my lesson, I won't be fooled again. Until I have actual proof that she's had these talking babies, I'm not taking off these Depends dammit. I've ruined enough pairs of pants, thank you very much. Anyhow, I'll keep you folks informed.

Well that's it that's all folks, I gotta go get back to Antonio and Bruce. Bruce is on a Greyhound (literally) to Stowe to visit his mother, and Antonio is on MSN. Antonio told me he found a great new place to hide Bubbles. So I asked him, it's not the trunk of your car is it? Quite a few minutes passed before he replied,... maybe? when I asked him if she's had a meal recently? He replied... possibly? Right now I'm trying to convince him that he should calm down and relax. I'm safe and sound now, and that's the most important thing, isn't it He replied... perhaps?
Which leads me????????????????

Doc B. Gone baby gone

Brangelina, Britney, Tinky-Winky, Minnie and more, tonight on BubbaHump!

2008-06-28T21:46:00.000-04:00

Heidi Ho folks Doc B. here.

It turns out it was Bubble' s husband who was staking out my house. He made an attempt to rescue Bubbles but he failed. Now Antonio has taken her to a hidden location. At least that's what Bruce tells me. I still don't remember much but it's good to be home. Every day that goes by now I thank my lucky stars for having a good friend like Bjork. Anyhow here's the news.

But first…

“The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating......and you finish off as an orgasm".
“George Carlin”

It Could Be Worse, He Could Be A Felon.

"Minnie Driver says the father of her unborn baby will play a major role in their child's upbringing," by remaining nameless, anonymous, nonexistent, so to speak. She has remained silent about the identity of the baby.
"I'm just unorthodox. I'm taking full responsibility for being a mother but he will still play some part. I'm not married and I'm not getting married to this person. So I don't know what's going to happen. I sort of just take it moment by moment. Everyone's grown up, everyone is cool. You just want to create as happy and loving an environment as you can." Which loosely translated folks, means the father is either a dirt bag, broke, or totally irresponsible. Rumors were that the sperm donor was musician Craig Zolezzi. Humph... a musician you say eh. That would explain it. I think I nailed two out of three in my translation, I guess only Minnie knows if he's a dirt bag. Oh well, accidents happen. Source Here

Is This Going To Take Much Longer?

"The Babegelinies Are Still in the Brangelinewomb" reports Celeb-edge. I only wish my bladder was as resilient as Angie's womb. I can't take much more of this, and it's costing me a fortune in laundry soap. I keep refreshing the pages I'm on, waiting for the big news. This birth thing is taking forever, months even. When the hell is she due anyways? Aww... August! Hmmm... maybe I can steal some Depends from grandma. Source Here

Well What Did You Expect, Reginald?!

It's a case of, you asked for it, you get it."Gwen Stefani is involving her two-year-old son, Kingston, in choosing the new baby's name". The possibilities so far are, Pooh-Pooh, Thirsty, No!, Dipsy, Laa-Laa, Po, and Tinky Winky. Oh, and Barney. Hmm... I think I like No! Whew. Well that's enough nursery tales, let's move on shall we. Source Here

Beating The Odds.

Well how about that, she made it. Amy Winehouse performed at Mandela's birthday blowout and by all accounts, " rose to the occasion and defied critics". Way to Go Amy, now let's go get f**ked up! Oh yeah, bad idea. My bad. Source Here

Oh What A Lovely Train Wreck.

It looks like MTV is toying with the idea of letting Britney Spears back on the Video Music Awards telecast. The president of MTV Network Music Group is trying to play it coy, saying. “Everyone deserves a second or third chance, right?" Hmmm... what the hell is he talking about, she only had that one rather uninspired performance last year. He ain't married to her, so what does he mean second or third chance? She's gold! Gold I tell you! It'll be a ratings bonanza. I'm pretty sure Britney wants to appear MTV will find a way to accommodate her. You know what would be a real coup? If they could get Britney and Amy Winehouse to duet on a song we'd have replied chance of seeing two possible train wrecks at the same time. I know I'd tune in. Source Here

Who's My Daddy?!

The New York Daily News reports "Lohan's father may have secret love child".
The secret love child in question replied, "my dad is Michael Lohan? F**k me! Does he know were I live? He does! Well that's just f***ing great isn't it. Shit!"
Michael on the other hand seems to be taking it all in stride. Michael Lohan said he's willing to take a paternity test.
"I will do what's necessary to find out the truth and handle the matter as I should," he said. Hmmm... he seems rational, for now. I'll keep you folks posted. Source Here

Well that's it folks, I gotta go. Bruce has been staying in the garage through this whole ordeal. Luis says the smell curls his whiskers, so I guess I know what I'm doing this afternoon.

Doc B. Gone baby gone

Brangelina Babies Aducted by Aliens ?/Gay Men and Their Legumes

2008-06-26T22:38:00.000-04:00

Heidi Ho folks Doc B. here

I'm staying in Bjork's hotel, she was kind enough to offer. She tells me I've been through quite an ordeal. Funny thing though, I hardly remember anything. Bjork tells me we can't go to my house because it's being watched. So I've been in bed all day watching pay-per-view, enjoying room service and pretty much just chillin'. Bjork had to attend some function so I have the place all to myself. Hmmm... maybe I'll get a massage. Or a pedicure. I can't decide. Anyhow here's the news.

But first…

“I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.”
“George Carlin”

A Serious Bang, Followed By Obsession

After reading story after story about celebrities selling their babies photos, or their wedding pictures, or vid-caps of their circumcision.( well only Mickey Rourke so far) It's nice to come across a story where they don't want money for their photos. The reality TV show The Two Corey's will become especially revealing in an upcoming episode. Actor Corey Feldman's wife, Susie will have her Playboy cover shoot featured. Of course Cory, having his priorities in order, was moved and honored that his wife would be in the pages of Playboy. Says Cory, "When Hugh Hefner asked us himself, it was very moving,” Corey tells In Touch. “Hef has been a friend for a long time — he was at our wedding. It was hard to say no.” Hmmm... let's have a glance at my priorities list... check... check... check... check. OK then, I'm good.
“Being that it was art, we didn’t want to make it a business thing,” explains Corey. “So she basically did it for free. Free huh! Now I'm moved. It warms my heart to know that there are still good, and decent people out there who know what's right, and what's important in life. Living life to the fullest (and free porn). So you may be asking yourself, is Corey happy with the photo shoot?I’m very proud,” he says. “She’s a beautiful girl and deserves to be worshipped!” Whoa.. whoa.. whoa!
Worship?! Well I don't know about that. Worship takes quite a commitment. How about I start just with ogling first? Then maybe slowly I could move on to wanting to seriously bang her. And with a little luck, I'll become obsessed. Then! Then maybe we'll talk about worship. But slowdown Cory, let's not put the horse before the cart. Source Here

Where The F**K Are The Babies!

There are so many rumors floating around out there, about Angelina Jolie's babies. They've been born, they haven't been born, been kidnapped, they've been abducted by aliens. It's hard to know what to believe anymore, isn't it? I've been so anxious about it that I haven't been able to sleep properly (although my abduction could have something to do with that too) but today I came across a photo of her and I finally got my answer. She still pregnant. I peed myself when I saw the photo (I told you I was anxious). Over at the In Touch Weekly website they have a helicopter photo of Angie outside of her house looking like she is very much with child, several in fact. Her stomach is that freaking big! it's not normal, it's creepy looking.She looks like Tyne Daly! You couldn't pay me to touch it... brrrr! Anyhow the point is, if you've been sitting on pins and needles like I have, you now have your answer. The cigars have not been passed out yet. And so we must wait.(pause) How long has it been? Let me refresh.... damn nothing new. (Yawn) I'm really tired... dammit Angie, just have the freaking babies why don't you, so we can all get some f***ing rest! .............. Shit! It happened again! I need to go change.

Hey Good Looking! You Like Beans?

Filmmaker David Furnish describes a perfect evening with his partner Sir Elton John.
“What we really enjoy doing and what we will need is a quiet night in. Our favourite thing in the world is to get the box-set of Sex and the City or Six Feet Under and watch six episodes on the trot while eating beans on toast. That, for us, is heaven.” Heyyy... what are they? Gay?... (awkward pause) oh yeah, forgot. My bad. Still, who eats beans on toast anyways? I guess gay men do. Learn something new everyday, hmmm. Source Here

Ohhh... I Can't Find The Vein. Stupid Patches!

There's perhaps, finally some hope in the Amy Winehouse saga. It seems she's decided she's giving up smoking , with a little help of course.The Back To Black star has covered herself in the plasters in an effort to stop puffing.
We're told: "Amy's been advised to give up to have any chance of cleaning her lungs.
"But it's the pleading from Mitch which has really helped.
"She's covered herself in nicotine patches as she's desperate to preserve her voice and is promising to clean up her act." Hmmm... shouldn't someone be monitoring her. It can't be wise to put so many patches on your body. What dosage are these patches anyways? What? No one knows? Who's in charge here?..........(silence! ) Oh great, she'll probably drop dead of a nicotine induced heart attack. Brother! If it's not one thing with this girl it's another. She's such a long shot, that I don't think Vegas is accepting any wagers. She still is scheduled to perform at the Nelson Mandela 90th birthday concert tomorrow. God willing. Source Here

Exclusive: The 10 Best Ways To Please Your Dwarf

Over at TMZ, the identity of Vernon Troyer's costar in that sex tape of his has been revealed. She's a 22-year-old aspiring model from Kentucky.(Did you hear that? The whole state just groaned in unison.) She has a little white dog named Lacey who is the real love in her life. Oh, and has an affinity for little people.
Little people? Is that the proper terminology? Weren't we just having this conversation yesterday folks? Yes I recall, I was searching for the politically correct name for little elves.. er... dwarves... (???) Trolls??! Ah forget it! There's probably not much to see on the tape anyhow. Wait... that didn't come out right. I meant it's probably a short film,.. not worth watching...er... I' Aww ...skip it!( P.S.,there’s no dwarf list,sorry to deceive you.) TMZ.com

Well that's all folks, I gotta go. There's a knock at my door. It must be the tailor... he's late.

Doc B. Gone baby gone.

Aunt Britney’s Gift / Ron Jeremy For Tea

2008-06-25T23:30:00.000-04:00

Heidi Ho folks Doc B. here.

I awoke to the sound of breaking glass. Then all I could hear were some voices muffled, whispering in the dark. The voices sounded worried, panicked even. And yet they were too afraid to yell out. It was the voices of my captors, and they were quite clearly scared shitless. Moments passed, and like the cliché, they felt like hours. Then I heard another strange sound, almost like something snapping but I can't be sure. A large thud followed. Something heavy had hit the floor, but what? Now I could clearly make out one of my captors calling to the other, "get up Horace, get up"! Silence. Horace either refused to reply, or simply could not reply. Minutes passed, quietly and without incident, then I heard the unmistakable sound of car keys rattling. One of my captors was going to make a break of it. But what had shaken him so. I could hear him maneuver to the door... yet there he stayed, on pause, so to speak. What was beyond the door that frightened him so much. What had this man reaped. It was now so quiet I could clearly make out the sound of factory not far from here. It had to be the tire plant, I never even had paid attention to the smell for I had become accustomed to it. A large creak sound pierced the night, he had opened the door. Snap! Followed by a large thud, again. I cowered in the corner of the room, wondering what fate awaited me. In the other room I could hear my captor wheezing, his breath labored and weak. He let out one final gasp and I heard nothing more from him. I dreaded the next few moments knowing that by I would either be free, or dead. Someone had entered the next room, I could sense it. The doorknob in my room began to turn and so did my stomach. The door swung open and to my disbelief, there in the doorway stood Bjork. I was saved. There are some lapses in my memory after that, but as she helped me out of the house that had been my prison this last week, I didn't notice any bodies on the floor. My captors were nowhere to be found or seen. They had vanished. I never thought to ask Bjork exactly what she had done to them. Maybe one day I will ask her, but for now I let myself believe that she released the swans upon them and they were carried away, faraway, to Iceland……………. here's the news.

But first…

“One Can Never Know For Sure What A Deserted Area Looks Like”
“George Carlin”

Charlize is ripe, if you know what I mean. We a is an old one to on him and I

Actress a Charlize Theron was on the Letterman show the other night and she revealed quite a few interesting details about herself . Such little details like when and how often she showers. (relax fellas, it becomes less erotic as it goes on ) " When I do have a little time off I like to get down and dirty like camping or traveling to countries that don't have the luxuries I'm a tough girl and I can not shower for a week - I'm fine with that." Well great, Im glad you're fine with that Charlize, however that sounds a little too Parisian for my tastes. She went on to add "There's a time and a place for everything and sometimes there's a time for not showering." Hmmm... that's funny I can only really come up with one good time for not showering. Driving your car,... that's about it. And sometimes when you're eating, like when you're having sandwiches, the bread gets all soggy and wet. Other then that, there's always time for a shower. For Christ sakes if you shower every day, you're not that dirty , and it only takes two minutes. Jeez. Must be fun to be her boyfriend huh! Imagine them working in the garden together spreading the a manure, they've just finished for the day. He looks over at her and says "you know what honey, all this hard work is making me horny, what say you we hit the shower and make whoopee?". She turns to him and answers, "this is not the time nor the place for a shower dammit, take me now like the dirty sow I am, you pig!". Brrrr... how's that for an image folks. Chew on that the next time you watch her in Mighty Joe Young. Source Here

Ron Jeremy Stops by for Tea

British singer Lily Allen hates her fans. I mean, there's no other way of putting it really. She doesn't want to meet them because she thinks they're all freaks and geeks, nut cases and stalkers. Or least that's the interpretation I got, you can see for yourself. She said: “There was one group of girl fans who flew all the way over from Texas just for one night to see me. I met them briefly. It was really flattering. I told my mother and she was like, ‘Oh my God, that’s so sweet, well you should let them stay here!’ And I was like, ‘You what? Are you f***ing mental?’ See what I mean folks, and my God what a potty mouth. She should be ashamed of herself using that kind of language in front of her mother. And she's just so rude and insensitive, calling her mother mental. Really, what a hurtful comment. Anyhow she continues, "I’m scared of home in case my mum meets random fans and brings them home for a cup of tea!” Oh brother how arrogant can she be, now she's going to tell her mother who she can and can't bring home for tea. And what if she meets someone? A certain someone special. A man, a man say like... Ron Jeremy? You know her mother has a life too. What if she met Ron Jeremy and wanted to invite him for tea, and more. Will Lily still be telling her what to do then? Will she really tell her mother to pass up an evening with the Hedgehog? One would like to think the answer would be no, but these kids today. Flaky! Source Here

Attack of the Six-Foot Bunny Rabbit

With the arrival of her niece Maddie, Britney Spears went shopping to celebrate her transition into aunthood. (Not that she needs a reason to go shopping.)
So with the baby only a few weeks old she went in search of the appropriate gift for someone so small.So what did aunt Britney buy you ask? Britney Spears has ordered a customised six-foot tall bunny from a Los Angeles store. I hope she bought a lot of diapers too! Because the kid is going to shit her pants when she sees a six-foot tall bunny rabbit in her room. And what exactly do they mean-- customized. I mean c'mon folks! This is Britney Spears were talking about here! The rabbit probably has a functioning bar, complete with corkscrew and can opener. It probably only plays songs off Britney's last album, and when you press the button in the middle of its stomach it says, Justin, save me. Please forgive me, and then the bunny crawls into a fetal position onto the floor and just shakes violently. At least that's one theory. Another theory is that the bunny will be broadcasting secret sermons from Mel Gibson. Sermons meant to prepare her for adulthood or human sacrifice, whichever comes first. If you want my opinion Jamie Lynn should be very wary of her big sister. With Britney's track record with her own kids, Jamie Lynn might want to consider getting a restraining order.
It's not the first gift Britney has bought the baby however. "She also ordered a custom made, six-foot tall elephant with a blue bow which she wants to sit in the middle of the nursery." When Jamie Lynn suggested the elephant would look better in the corner, Britney went beserk. She threw her glass of gin and tonic against the wall and screamed, "the elephant sits in the middle of the room or I torch the place!" Then she kicked over the coffee table, spilling Doritos all over the floor and grabbed little baby Maddie yelling, "Maddy and I are going for a drive, were going shopping! And because you being such a good girl Maddie, auntie Britney is going to let you sit on her lap while she drives. Won't that be fun!" Brrr... I know this is all hypothetical, but it's still chilling isn't it? Source Here

The Immaculate Looking Woman; Oblivious.

Well if you've ever wondered what the vertically challenged look like when they're having sex you're about to find out. TMZ reports that a sex tape featuring Verne Troyer might be in circulation soon. (And now folks if you will indulge me)Brrrrrrrrrrrrrr……….! Kevin Blatt, who brokered the deal for Paris' video, is entertaining a $100k offer from SugarDVD to distribute the nastiness. Well if it's from the makers of One Night in Paris then it must be good huh! And isn't it nice he met a girl who wasn't self-conscious about being with a man whose of a disabled height (what is the proper terminology for a Mini- Me anyways?) Speaking of semiconscious…..eh, self-conscious women, a friend and I had a conversation a couple months ago about whether a woman is conscious of her surroundings at all times. My friend and I went to the movies and we had to park far from the theater in another lot. Now this was on the busiest Blvd. in the city, with off ramps along the way to get onto the highway. Now, there's no lights or stop signs to help pedestrians get across these exits and avoid the oncoming traffic, so you have to wait and pick your spots. It's one of those amusing little games we like to play in Québec to keep us all on our toes, pedestrians and drivers alike. While waiting for break in traffic we noticed a woman across the road from us, also trying across. She was in tight running short shorts, with a clingy top. She had been running and was listening to an iPod. While waiting for traffic to subside so she could cross the road, she decided to bend over and start doing some serious stretching. Right there! On the side of the road. She nearly made the traffic worse as there were three near accidents because of some people's rubber-necking. It was then I turned to my friend and asked him "could she possibly be that clueless?" I mean she was a real looker, and she had to know it. In the sun she looked immaculate, sweat glistening off her arms and legs, really in shape, like zero body fat. But like I told my friend, she had to be cognizant of the fact that people were watching... hard. What type of person invites that type of attention, I asked my friend? Could she really be so wrapped up in her own little world, busy exercising, trying to remain perfect. Or was she really just trying to stop traffic, literally. Perhaps she was just calculating in her head how much calories she needed to burn off. Maybe she was just doing the math of how much distance she had done, her rate of speed, beats per minute, who knows! Maybe, just maybe she was figuring in her head how much more running she needed to do to burn off the cake she ate at the office to celebrate her coworker Dolores' birthday. Maybe inside her head she was thinking, "I need to run three more kilometers to completely eliminate the cake plus the cream I had in my coffee this morning. God 3 km is a lot, I knew I should've passed on that cake. Of course Dolores had to have chocolate fudge cake. She’s such a hippo she doesn't give a shit any more and has clearly given up on trying to look half decent. God, three more kilometers, I'm going to kill that bitch Dolores". Perhaps that's what she was thinking, who knows really? Maybe she was really focused on her running and was lost in her own little world, unaware of her surroundings. Maybe she was stretching because she wanted to stay limber and loose for her remaining kilometers while waiting for a right time to cross. It's possible. It's possible sure, but unlikely. No , what is more likely is that she knew she was being watched, and even though she couldn't see every single pair of eyes that were gazing upon her, she was secure in the fact that she was being ravished. Properly. So the conclusion my friend and I came to was... she knew exactly what she was doing, and what she was doing to all who were around her. And she loved every minute of it. My friend said it reminded him of his ex-wife. After the divorce, unfortunately. So fellas the next time you see a woman who appears to be oblivious to how she's making you feel, don't be shy. Give her a wink and a thumbs up. She'll appreciate that you noticed. Source Here

Brain Cramp

That Kid Rock, what a funny guy. Still, he's got some 'splaining to do. Apparently, the Kid posted a message on YouTube encouraging people to steal cars, clothes, and iPods. And that's not all, he also suggested that his fans should either legally download his music. (Gasp!)
Here's a little bit of what he actually said, Kid Rock says in the video that he's so rich, he can't complain if fans steal a song or two off the Internet without paying him.In fact, he says, people should "level the playing field" by stealing anything they need from wealthy corporations. Can you say-- brain cramp! There's no other word for it. Tune in tomorrow when I'm sure I'll have some nondenial denial about what kid rock actually said. Source Here

That's it that's all folks I gotta go, Bjork is taking me to Taco Bell and she's buying. She says a Gorditta does a body good.

Doc B. Gone baby gone

Karma Is A Bitch/When Surfers Attack… Run Away.

2008-06-24T23:30:00.000-04:00

Heidi Ho folks Doc B. here.

I no longer know what day it is, I only know I want this ordeal to end. Isn't there anyone out there who can save me? What I need right now is a hero? I'm holding out for a hero. Here's the news.

But first…

“You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans”
“George Carlin”

Any Day Now

It looks like Amy Winehouse 's scheduled performance at the Nelson Mandela birthday celebration is to be her last. Or should I say, probably will be. Although there are conflicting reports, the general consensus is that Amy has been diagnosed with emphysema. So naturally she was pictured having a smoke not hours after being released from the hospital. Soon there is going to be a picture of her in the dictionary next to the word stupid. She should just get help now, because there is no way she can fulfill the old adage of leaving behind a good-looking corpse thank you very much. That bridge has already been crossed, and burned thank you very much. May as well try and get better and buckle up for the long haul, I say. Unfortunately, clear and reflective thinking does not appear to be one of her qualities so all bets are off. Source Here

And Those Surfers in Point Break Were Pussies

"This was about us against the system. That system that kills the human spirit. We stand for something. We are here to show those guys that are inching their way on the freeways in their metal coffins that the human sprit is still alive. Don't worry about this guy, okay? I know exactly what to do with him" (Patrick Swayze; Point Break).
It seems some paparazzi learned the hard way not to invade surfers on their turf, because we all know they can be very territorial. It seems a major fracas ensued on a Malibu Beach when some photographers were trying to get some pics of Matthew McConaughey surfing. One website compared it to Benny Hill skit. Jeez, I'm sorry I missed that, I just love the French maid costumes the women in those skits are always dressed in. Funny. However the way it is described in this story it sounds like a meeting between the Jets versus the Sharks, cue the orchestra.Postulating and guzzling beer, the rowdy surfers aggressively approached the paps and told them to leave the beach.
When the paps insisted they were "just doing their jobs", the surf dudes opted for an all-out smackdown and went in for the kill.
One pap's nose was broken, while another was tossed into some rocks and had his camera smashed, according to videos captured by TMZ.com and X17.com. Ah yes, what is it the wise Bohdi say's about fear and intimidation. I think it goes something like this, "It's basic dog psychology, if you scare them and get them peeing down their leg, they submit. But if you project weakness, that promotes violence, and that's how people get hurt". Ah yes the tried and true code of the surfers, one never can follow the wrong path when sticking to the code. And it appears that's simply what the surfers did folks, they applied to code and the paparazzi back down like little scared dogs leaving a trail of piss behind them as they run away. Said one of the paps"This looks nasty," . Well sure it looks nasty, how do you think your hair would look after being in the ocean with that harsh salt water covering your hair, the sun baking it into another color and making it all dry and straw-like. You would think it looks pretty nasty too. But what remains clear about this story is at the paparazzi were simply no match for a surfers. They neither had the will, nor the nerve, to occupy a part of that beach. So they may as well be off into their metal coffins and hit the freeway, for they were surely outmatched on this day. They didn't want it enough. They were willing to pay the price they get their pictures, and when it comes time for a cosmic convergence, their karma's will come up wanting. But why don't I let Bohdi tell it. "If you want the ultimate, you've got to be willing to pay the ultimate price. It's not tragic to die doing what you love". That's really deep dude, that's like, poetic. Source Here and Here

Bad Boys, Bad Boys. Whatcha Going To Do?

Actor Shia LaBeouf continues to build on his reputation of being Hollywood's next bad boy, case in point. The National Enquirer reports,LaBeouf was at the Smithsonian National Air and Space Museum in Washington, D.C., filming a new movie, when he reportedly lit up a cigarette in the bathroom, the Enquirer reported.
Sources told the magazine that LaBeouf was reprimanded by officials at the museum for the incident. The Enquirer claims the actor was told he could be kicked off the property if he lit up again. Hmmm... kicked off the property eh! That ought to teach in the little bastard huh! If he keeps up this crazy behavior be lucky to find work, Hollywood doesn't like troublemakers. Just ask Robert Downy Jr. Hmmm… Never mind. Source Here

The Stitch Work Is Simply Divine

Have you seen those ads with David Beckham for Emporio Armani underwear yet? Apparently the new design of underwear by Armani is absolutely fabulous and to die for, but all everyone seems to want to talk about is Beckham's...eh.. package. Or lack there of, or enhancement of, however you want to spin it. It seems some cracker jack journalist at the Daily Mail has uncovered some... dirty laundry, so to speak.The Daily Mail uncovered a photo of Becks on the beach sporting a similar look. The surfside shot, taken in 2006, features the L.A. Galaxy player in a white bikini with one notable difference from the Armani pics — the fabric appears less, um, inflated.
The paper offered a side-by-side comparison and speculated that the difference could be the result of digital manipulation, but a spokesperson for David denies the claim. Actually, I think the Daily Mail is making a big deal out of nothing really . I mean we've already covered this ground haven't we, scientifically speaking that is. There's a technical term for it. Shrinkage. George Costanza first popularized the phrase on the TV show Seinfeld. It's quite a normal phenomenon really. It happens, you know. It's not like we control what's going on down there, is it. A representative for Beckham felt compelled to reply.
“There wasn't any enhancement to that said region,” the rep insisted. See folks, no medical procedures. It's all done with mirrors, mirrors I tell you. Let's move on. Source Here

At Least He Does It On The Newspaper.

It seems singer Mariah Carey has her new puppy...eh.. hubby housebroken and obedient already. Why else would his friends say that their marriage is already on the rocks? They're just trying to muck up the works, to have things the way he used to be, before Mariah laid down the law.
The source told Life and Style Weekly magazine: “I give the marriage six months, tops. I can’t see it lasting. (That's like 3 1/2 years in dog years, that's not bad for a celebrity marriage)
“Nick does whatever Mariah wants him to - he’s like her puppy. It seems like he spends more time in the stores with Mariah’s credit card than he does with Mariah herself. Hmmm... if the roles were reversed, would anyone be questioning whether to marriage would last? I mean, in this case Nick appears to be the trophy husband, as opposed to the trophy wife. He's out having a good time on her credit card, not having to work. I ask you, what's wrong with that?
“Mariah’s assistants and friends call him ‘Whipped Nick’ behind his back. They have little respect for him because he won’t stand up for himself.” Humph... a likely story if you ask me. What's more likely is that her friends and assistance are just jealous and wish they had a guy like Nick to boss around. Because isn't that every woman's perfect man, one that does whatever she says, without question. As a matter of fact it wouldn't surprise me in the least if one of these so called friends of hers tries to get in between Nick and Mariah. A friend of Nick's quickly shot down the accusation though, "insisting Nick and Mariah are perfect for each other". Well of course they are, he's spineless, and she's needy.A match made in heaven, if you ask me. Source Here

No Kidding
Say what?
"Celine Dion's version of 'You Shook Me All Night Long' has obviously shaken voters, who named it the world's worst cover song in the latest issue of Total Guitar, a European rock magazine". They actually had to put this to a vote? Seems kind of redundant doesn't it? Source Here

Don't Start The Revolution Without Me

After Martha Stewart's visa was denied by UK authorities, it was to be expected that the U.S. would retaliate.
"U.S. Customs is denying Boy George his visa, cutting off his hopes for a U.S. tour." BAM!!!
Take that you lousy wankers! That stinging sensation you feel in the seat of your pants is from getting kicked in it by good old American shoe leather! (Actual shoe made in China). And that's just the start, wait until they get their hands on Helen Mirren. Oh yeah folks! The gloves are definitely on. We're talking full body extra ream cavity search. Extreme, I meant extreme not ream. But now that the Americans are pissed, anything's possible. I wouldn't want to be Piers Morgan going through airport security right now... brrrrr! I anxiously await Britain's next move. I'll keep you informed. Source Here

Karma Damage

Speaking of Piers Morgan, he claims to have introduced Paul McCartney to Hurricane a Heather Mills. "Paul asked who she was after seeing her give a speech," Morgan told Howard Stern on his Sirius radio show yesterday. "I introduced them. I'm not sure if Paul knew that she was missing a leg at the time."
Morgan said he had no idea Mills would turn out to be a "grasping, gold-digging little bimbo . . . I was fooled into thinking that she was a good person,". No shit Sherlock, what was your first clue? Humph... he's got a lot to work ahead of him to repair the damage he's done to his karma. But you can't really blame him, she's pure evil. She can easily manipulate the weak minded and the naïve, which Piers clearly is. Still, he brought all this upon a Beatle and the British still hold them in high esteem. Come to think of it, I don't think I'd want to be Piers Morgan going through airport security in the UK either. He appears to be a man without a homeland. Just like Tom Hanks in "The Terminal", only funnier.
Of course peers is one of the celebrity judges on America's got talent, along with Sharon Osbourne and the Hoff, David Hasselhoff. As a matter of fact Piers calls fellow judge Hasselhoff, a "tool." (Sigh) no shit Sherlock, what was your first clue. Morgan said they often have to wear the same clothes for continuity on the show, but Hasselhoff doesn't seem to care.
"One day, he went out and got a spray tan in the middle of the shoot, so it looks like he tanned during a commercial break,". Hmmm... well what else are you going to do during a commercial break silly. You've got to realize that the Hoff has a certain eccentric kind of reputation to maintain. And maintain it he will, dammit! So just lay off, you limey bastard! Hmmm... I hope your visa is in order buddy. You mock the Hoff, and you can expect men in suits to show up at your door to find out , you effeminate redcoat jerk off. Better watch what you say , Uncle Sam is listening. Source Here

A Great Barbecue Chicken Recipe And Kate's Abortion, After Al Tells Us About The Weather.

And finally comes a report about a TV morning show that apparently is avoiding the tough questions when celebrities appear. TV insiders have noticed a pattern of softball questioning in the interviews at "Good Morning America." Hmmm... yes because in between what not to wear, the weather, and new barbecue recipes , what I really want is truthful answers to hard hitting questions. And when I'm looking for answers I turn to "Good Morning America". Don't we all? Source Here

R.I.P.
And finally, sad news. George Carlin has died. In my mind he'll be remembered as the greatest standup comedian ever. Not only did he make you laugh, he made you reflect. His was a gift.
“Always do whatever's next”
George Carlin

That's it that's all folks I gotta go. There's nothing I can do anymore except put my faith in the Lord and the 72 virgins.

Doc B. Gone baby gone.

It's Emphysema For Amy Whitehouse-- Congratulations Kid!

2008-06-22T23:20:00.000-04:00

Heidi Ho folks Doc B. here.

Upon orders of my captors I am only to talk about the stories that I post and nothing of my personal life. This way I can not give out clues to my whereabouts. Here's the news.

But first...

“It's a shame to call somebody a 'diva' simply because they work harder than everybody else.”
“Jennifer Lopez”

Mea Culpa

Never let it be said that I, Doctor BubbaHump, is not a big enough man to admit when he has been wrong. Yes faithful readers, even I sometimes err in my judgment. Case in point; in this very blog I have defended Naomi Campbell on numerous occasions, convinced, I was, that she was being railroaded by the big nasty airline company British Airways. However, in light of a transcript of her rant being revealed in court yesterday, it would appear she overreacted a tad. After being told by the plane's captain that her bag had been lost , Naomi forgot to use her "inside" voice and told the captain "I can't believe you have lost my f****** bag. Bring me my f****** bags now.
"We are not leaving until you find my f****** bag. F*** you, f*** you, captain. You are a racist. You wouldn't be doing this if I was white." (hoo-boy). Crew members tried to get her to calm down, but to no avail. Naomi continued her screaming, believe in the old adage, that the customer is always right. "You can't f****** touch me. F*** off, I have paid £5,000 for this. I have a right to be on this plane." When that didn't seem to work, she went to the litigious route, and threatening to mouth off to the press. She screamed into her cell phone "They have lost my f****** bags, get me another flight, get the press, get me my lawyer." Hmmm… I don't think the reporters are going to bite on this story? What would that headline be? Airline Loses Luggage. Somehow I don't think that qualifies as news anymore. Anyhow, the crew didn't have any luck getting her off the plane so the police were called in. Everything then got smoothed out, sort of, "the 38-year-old went even more berserk, kicking, spitting and lashing out at two officers before being dragged from the aircraft at Heathrow." Yikes... at least calm was restored, sort of, backspace."Jabbing her fingers at the officers, she yelled: "It is because I am a black woman, you are all racists. I am going to sue you. I am going to f*** you up. I'm going to sue your f****** a**e". Well at least they got her off the plane, and she'd calm down enough to be led back inside the terminal. At this point though, you'd think the airline would have been happy that she was off the plane. But nooo... they decided that a cursory search was necessary. Naomi then politely told the airport officer that was to perform the search "You blonde bitch.""c***". That does seem a little personal, doesn't it? Naomi then decided to elaborate to the officers exactly what she was going to do--"I'm going to screw you like a motherf*****." Oh my, that doesn't sound very pleasant. Anyhow, that about sums it up, I'm a little bit embarrassed to think that I defended her so strongly on this. But honestly, I never saw it coming. She always seemed like such a levelheaded, kind soul. I mean, this comes right out of left field doesn't it? Who knew she had such a strong temper? I certainly didn't. Source Here

Greedy Timberlake

According to a story from the west.com, Justin Timberlake is struggling to adjust since his girlfriend, Jessica Biel moved in.
A source said: “Justin has been a bachelor for a long time. They are both used to doing things their way and having specific things in the fridge." Humph... yeah they must be really bought are some that have someone that looks like Jessica Biel hogging up a bit of fridge space. Isn't this freaking doofus rich enough to buy enough fridges to put in every room in the house. Geez , what a freaking ordeal to share some of his space with a looker like Jessica. Something tells me he has less of a struggle sharing the space of his bed with Jessica. What do you think? Source Here

The British Have Scruples?

I also noticed this little headline at the West.com, " British authorities have refused to grant American lifestyle guru Martha Stewart a visa because of her criminal convictions." Hmmm... my opinion of the British continues to develop and change, first they deny Snoop Dogg, and now Martha. You know what folks? They might be onto something here. Source Here

No Firearms For Fiddy

This story about 50 Cent and his ex girlfriend, with whom he has a child, is bound to get out of control soon. Fiddy has filed a suit against their for defamation of character after she accused him of set in her house on fire (well technically his house) . Now a judge has ordered Fiddy to give up all his guns. Here's what Fiddy's lawyer said, and folks trying to picture him saying this with a straight face (bet you can't). Said lawyer Brett Kimmel, he would contest the order and that 50 Cent did not have guns or access to guns. “To my knowledge, he has no guns,” said lawyer Brett Kimmel. I see you rolling your eyes... I had the same reaction too. I'm surprised his lawyer didn't claim that Fiddy didn't even know what a gun looks like. Talk about laying it on thick. Of course I'm sure Fiddy will do everything he can to abide by the judges ruling. It's not like there is anybody out to get him or anything. All that stuff about rappers and gun violence is nothing but the stuff of urban legends. Tupac's not dead you know. He's on an island in Fiji somewhere with Elvis . Working on a new single to be discovered in a vault somewhere, no doubt.
Source Here

Amy Has Emphysema... Congratulations Kid You're Halfway There.

And finally, Amy Winehouse lives yet still. For the moment. However, it does seem like she might have taken one step closer to the grave. Reports are swirling that the singer has emphysema.... her father has revealed that the singer has contracted emphysema and could be confined to a wheelchair within a month if she doesn’t quit drugs. In an emotional interview the cab driver told how doctors have warned his daughter – who was rushed to hospital last week – that she may be forced to wear a permanent oxygen mask to survive if she doesn’t follow medical advice. Hmmm, color me impressed. Contracting emphysema at such a young age is impressive, at the least she can't be accused of not giving it her all. And by her all, I mean trying really hard to die. Because in my opinion, that's what she seems dead set in her ways to do. Isn't it usually people in their 80s that end up with emphysema. Hmmm... I hope I'm wrong folks, but I have a bad feeling that this story will not have a happy ending. It appears that Amy refuses to let that chapter be written. It seems like she won't be happy until she's in the obituaries. Source Here

That's it that's all folks, I gotta go get blindfolded, were moving to a new location.

Doc B. Gone baby gone.

Jamie Lynn Names Baby-- Sponge Bob?!/ Winehouse Is Not Dead Yet.

2008-06-19T22:14:00.000-04:00

Heidi Ho folks, Doc B. here

The song remains the same folks. Antonio still has Bubbles, and they still got me. They've only given me a half an hour to post, so I was a little bit rushed today. Here's the news.

But first…

“Gay Liberation? I ain't against it, it's just that there's nothing in it for me.”
“Bette Davis”

A Salmon Colored Shirt With Lavender Bermuda’s

I'm sure you've heard by now that Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson have gotten back together, and now some strange comments by her mom are making the rounds too. The actress - who has been married to Kid Rock, Tommy Lee and Rick Salomon - revealed that her mom Carol thinks her love life is so troubled she should turn gay. Hmmm... the thought of an extra woman in his bed shouldn't put Tommy off the idea, but still it seems an odd thing to say.
I Don't know about you but Pamela Anderson's mother seems like a strange old bird to me. Pam says" Lately my mother has said, 'I wish you were gay, considering your choice of men!' Ahhh yes... just what every child wants to hear. I remember when my mother said the same thing to me. I haven't worn lavender and salmon colored fabrics since. (Although I kept my Streisand records). Still the remarks left me a little... confused. Thanks mom. However, Pam is still balancing other plates in the air. Such as Tommy. She added to Radar magazine: "I can't get rid of him. For some reason, Tommy has me Google Alerted. He'll always be like, 'What's this?' 'What's this?' He gets every single thing. And I'm like, 'Honey! Stop Google Alerting me!' He loves me. I love him. But I don't Google Alert him!"
Pam dear, he Google alerts because he cares. Source Here

Jamie Lynn Spears Names Her Baby Sponge Bob (I Wish!)

Jamie Lynn Spears big day has finally arrived. No not her prom. She isn't going off to college. And no, she hasn't reached the legal voting age. But she has given birth to a brand spanking new baby girl, who has been named Maddie Briann. Humph... nothing special about that. They couldn't come up with something better, something a little jazzier, with a little bit more edge to it? Or something ironic. Or better still whimsical! The world's a better place with a little whimsy in it, don't you think. Oh well, maybe next time. Everybody is doing well, by the way. Source Here

Keith Richards Shocked About Amy's Behavior

Four days have passed and Amy Winehouse is still in the hospital. Noooo... she's not in a morgue, silly.
The doctors are performing more tests on her. " The doctors are still unsure what happened and tests were inconclusive.". Hmmm... you don't think abusing drugs in such a way that even Keith Richards is taken aback, or drinking more than frat boys on spring break in Fort Lauderdale could have something to do with it? Do you? Without being able to examine the patient, you could call my opinion an educated hunch. Despite evidence to the contrary, her dad Mitch remains un-fazed, saying, "Amy is doing fine, she's staying in as long as possible."
But hopefully not too long, or else she will be in the morgue. This guy is either blind to the facts, or he just simply doesn't care. My money's on simply not caring. Source Here

OK Then

I think Keira Knightley is a bit too eager to please. She said: "I always bare my breasts in sex scenes. So when the director said take the bra off, I said 'OK then'."
The rest of the people in the elevator were a little bit stunned however. Source Here

That's it that's all folks I gotta go, my captors are bored, and now they want me to sing show tunes for them. Who do you think I am? David Hasselhoff?

Doc B. Gone baby gone

Withdrawal for Lindsay Lohan/Jessica Simpson Follows Her Dad's Advice

2008-06-18T22:22:00.000-04:00

Heidi Ho folks Doc B. here

Well not much has changed since yesterday, my captors still have me, and Antonio still has Bubbles. It's a stalemate. My captors no longer know what to do when they been bickering all night, drunk on cheap wine. One of them is really, really, sorry he didn't go work with his father-in-law deactivating landmines in Bosnia. His mistake, when you see your chance you've got to reach out and grab it. However, on the bright side, their bickering has pre-occupied them enough to allow me to post today. Here's the news.

But first…

“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.”
“James Dent”

Summer's Here And The Time Is Right…

Have you noticed it yet? The wind is no longer brisk but just cool, everything starts to look a lot greener, with a beautiful golden yellow hue this time of year. Summer is almost upon us and soon we'll be rummaging through our garages looking for our summer things. Like the water-fountain with the likeness of the Las Vegas Elvis made out of cement, or the flesh colored garden hose with a special penis shaped nozzle, bought in New Orleans. (OK, my taste might be more prurient than yours) But nothing beats my hammock, made of leather and shag carpeting with built- in electronic mosquito repellent and CD player. There's no better way to relax. And with that in mind, what does one need while relaxing in the hammock? A good book. So if you're looking for a good book to read this summer,...Bruce Hulse, a former Calvin Klein model has written a tell all book. Sorry, sorry, this ain't it. However it might make for some good light reading in between naps on the hammock.
Some of his female conquests over his career you ask? Among his trophy catches are Paulina Porizkova, Andie MacDowell and Tatjana Patitz.
"I arrived at Paulina's hotel room ... only to find her wearing next to nothing," he wrote.
In "I was doomed."Within seconds we were all over each other."We completely tore up the hotel room." Humph..I don't want to hear about the architecture, what about the sex man?
Hulse's alleged liaison with MacDowell was hot in more ways than one.He wrote a table lamp in MacDowell's room "was way too bright for us both, so I gallantly took off my T-shirt and threw it over the top"."Just as we began to kiss again, the smell of something burning broke the spell," he wrote.
Damnit man, I don't care about the lighting or the furniture. What about the sex man?
Maybe he'll go into a little more juicy details about his tryst with German model PatItz. "I crossed a boundary and did something I had never done to another male model before," Hulse wrote. Hmmm... I'm not sure I want to read where this is going."I ratted (him) out. (He) had told me about another model he'd had amazing sex with, so I told Tatjana."I felt guilty for stooping to such a level, but I was crazy about Tatjana."
Well now, he sounds like a silly teenage girl . This guy seems like a real jerk actually. Deeply insecure.
(Sigh) I guess I'll just have to keep looking for a good book, because this surely is not it. And you know what? I think Las Vegas Elvis would look good in the living room, that's what I think.

Get your media fix here—Lilo

How big of her. How absolutely ginormous of Lindsay Lohan to take her name out of voting contention for an Emmy, for her guest spot on the TV show Ugly Betty. "We felt that the appearance wasn't enough and look forward to the next five episodes," Lohan's publicist, Leslie Sloane Zelnick, explained to the Daily News. The troubled star, apparently, is gunning for an Emmy win in 2009.
Remember this is the same girl that wants to win an Oscar before she was... what was it, 25? Boy is this girl deluded, she really thinks she's all that. Saaay... couldn't she technically be nominated for her appearance on her mom's reality show. You know the part where Dina checks out Lilo's sword fighting technique on the web. Oh no, she can't, that's right. It would only be eligible next season. Anyhow it got her name out there, isn't it? It's been a more than a few days since anyone's talked about her in the newspapers, or on the Web. She must've been clawing at the walls, biting her nails, picking at dead skin, irritable, unreasonable, just plain unpleasant to be around.
That kind of behavior is normal when you're suffering from Hype withdrawal. Hopefully she'll stumble across this blog and just chill, knowing that I only mention her because she's begging me to. Here you go honey. Dr. BubbaHump's got your medicine.

Playtime

12-year-old actress (Little Miss Sunshine), Abigail Breslin needs some time to just be a kid, me-thinks . She just had a movie (Nims Island) come out not long ago, and she's got another one coming out soon. So when she does have a some down time, you know you'd think she'd be reading Tiger Beat, or going swimming or something. But no. It seems like she's researching for her next part. “I would like to play Helen Keller or Lady Jane Gray. I just read a book about her, and she was the Queen of England for nine days. I just thought that was really interesting.
You and me both, Abbie dear.... (!?) For Christ sakes, somebody get this kid a pogo stick, a hula hoop, a frisbee, crayons, a bowl of chocolate icing, David Archuleta, Jell-O, the Jonas brothers, shiny beads! Homemade cookies, puppy dogs, a tire swing, something kids like! Take away her books on The History of the Monarchy, the Spanish Inquisition, Ulysses, Einstein's theory of relativity, and A Brief History of Martyrs and chuck them out the window, burn them, --destroy them! And when you see her for her yourself folks, slap that book out of her hands and buy her an ice cream cone for gods sakes.

What Jessica Simpson Was Really Thinking, Was...

Jeez-- that was funny. What was you ask? Well it seems Jessica Simpson was having lunch in a restaurant in New York when a fellow diner told Simpson that “she was her No. 1 fan from back in the ‘Idol’ days,” reports OK! magazine. Having been there, I was able to clearly read the thought bubbles plainly visible above Jessica's head. [Thought bubble; Gee the people in this restaurant seem pretty busy with their meal, I wonder if they'd notice if I'd slap this bitch upside the head? They probably would. What should I do? I know. What daddy always tells me to do. Smile and look pretty, and stick out your chest, cause they were expensive.] An eyewitness told the mag that Simpson “didn’t correct her, and she started to laugh when the girl asked how she was doing since her devastating split from Chace (Crawford).” [Thought bubble; I want to strangle her now but I can't. What if I just pretended to fall forward and accidentally stab her in the throat with my knife? It would be an accident. And they can't send me to jail because I'm famous... oh yeah... Martha Stewart. (Sigh) Do like daddy always says, smile and look pretty. Oh! Almost forgot to stick out my puppies.] She straightens up in her chair, puffs out her chest-- popping off a button that nearly blinds the waiter. She reportedly was “not pleased” about being mistaken for Underwood. [Thought bubble; No shit Sherlock!]

Rabbits Stew

I'd watch your back girls, Miss June, Miss July, and Miss August are waiting in the wings. It seems there's some friction going on at the Playboy mansion. Hugh Hefner's bunnies are getting on each other's nerves on the set of the TV show, The Girls Next Door. With the main culprit being Hef’s favorite Holly Madison. TMZ reports that everyone "hates" Holly - especially fellow Hefner girlfriend, Kendra Wilkinson.
Apparently, the two can't even be in the same room together, which is causing problems for the show's producers, who are having trouble shooting around the fighting. Cat fights huh! Sorry, my bad, Bunnie brawls. What's stopping them from filming, are they not naked. Well get them naked and let them go at it, I say. Should make for great TV. Hugh Hefner, what a lucky bastard. I wish I had one iota of his problems with the ladies...er… bunnies.

That's it that's all folks, I gotta go. I can't spend too much time on the computer. One of my captors thinks it's the devil's work. More like the devil's playground I think.

Doc B. Gone baby gone