Dr Headman.com

9 Profound Truths about Marriage

2013-03-08T00:26:00.000-06:00

Although there are surely others, here are 9 Profound Truths about Marriage that stand out for me. Recognizing and living by these truths would go a long way to improving our relationships, and thereby our overall satisfaction with life. Which of the ones I listed are most relevant to your situation? What others, if any, would you have added to the list?

When Your Child Has Anxiety

2013-02-11T21:35:00.000-06:00

PLEASE NOTE: It is recommended to seek professional help when your child’s anxiety is causing significant emotional, social, academic, or behavioral problems. When in doubt, consult with a qualified professional.

As parents, it can be a very upsetting when we see our children going through difficult times. When our kids are feeling anxious or afraid it can be particularly disturbing. We certainly don’t want them to experience the world as a scary place. Although some anxiety is normal, Intense anxiety can significantly interfere with children's ability to do well and live happily, and can even get in the way of their healthy development. So, what can you do when your child is experiencing high anxiety? I want to share with you a few basic things you can do to help.

Before addressing a significant life issue, such as childhood anxiety, it is important to fully understand It. Otherwise, we risk complicating already difficult matters. So let's begin by exploring some of the basics about anxiety.

Anxiety is a mental condition with physical and emotional components. In short it is defined as a condition of excessive worry and fear. It is recognized by a specific set of related symptoms. Although not everyone who experiences anxiety has all of the symptoms, most who experience anxiety have at least some of the symptoms. Some of the symptoms will vary based on the person’s age or developmental stage. Common manifestations, or symptoms, you might observe in a child who struggles with anxiety include:

clinginess to parent figures and/or teachers
avoidance of people and/or situations
somatic complaints (stomach aches, headaches, etc.)
eating problems, or changes in eating patterns
panic attacks
excessive fears or worries
difficulty with sleep or sleep routines
excessive crying or tantrums
being easily upset

Some anxiety is normal, and there are situations or memories that can trigger anxious feelings in all of us. It is only when anxiety and its symptoms begin to significantly interfere with our healthy functioning that it becomes a real problem. Although all children will experience some fear and anxiety in life, it is important to know if a child’s anxiety is impacting his/her ability to function in normal, healthy ways. Some indicators that your child’s anxiety may be in need of attention include:

frequently missing school, or requesting to miss school
avoiding age-appropriate social situations
excessive concern over performance, or of evaluation by others
emotionality with little or no apparent reason
excessive concern with structure, order, and/or cleanliness

Because many factors can contribute to the development of anxiety, understanding a child’s anxiety can be complex and in some cases quite difficult. Problematic anxiety can develop as a result of a single fear-based incident, or as a result of many individual factors combined. Factors that can play a role in the development of anxiety include:

Genetic and personality characteristics of the child
Medical trauma or conditions
Unstable family relationships
Threatening environments (including the home)
Traumatic experiences
Parental modeling of anxiety responses
Anxious and fearful thoughts

So, what can you as a parent do when your child is experiencing anxiety? Here are a few suggestions:

Seek to understand your child’s anxiety

Listen intently to your child, with the goal of understanding his/her unique experience and complaints. See if your child can tell you the source(s) of his/her anxiety; don’t assume you know what it is. It would be helpful for you to know 1) what your child sees as threatening, 2) whether the threat is real or imagined, 3) how long your child has been struggling with the anxious thoughts and feelings, 4) how the anxiety is affecting him/her; and 5) when the anxiety is experienced as most problematic. As you listen to your child, it is important to convey understanding and compassion, as well as a commitment to help him/her find solutions.

Get professional help
There are a variety of professionals in the community who can help address issues like anxiety. For children, you might start with a social worker, school counselor, professional therapist, or pediatrician. While social workers, counselors, and therapists will likely help address issues in the child’s thinking, behaviors, routine, and environment, physicians and psychiatrists are more likely to consider pharmaceutical solutions. Common and established treatments for addressing anxiety include counseling (individual, family, and group) and anti-anxiety medications (prescribed by a pediatrician or psychiatrist). Although medications should always be considered as an option for severe anxiety, counseling can help most individuals reduce their anxiety by changing their thought patterns, social skills, and personal habits.

Listen to the quiet wisdom
Although professionals are a great resource, and should be used when available, there is also a lot to be said for the quiet wisdom in the heart of a parent. Since you know your child best, and will be with them more than anyone else, your perceptions can be very important. As you quiet all the fears, voices, and pressures around you, you will be better able to discover how to engage your child in the recovery process. You might be inspired about which professional(s) to contact, about how to encourage your child’s participation, and about how to best support your child’s recovery. As you add your parental commitment to the treatment provided by professionals, you will be much more likely to see positive results.

Establish a calming, stable home environment
Every child needs at least one place of peace and safety, and their home should definitely be one. Having a refuge from the stressors and challenges of life can go a long way to minimizing the amount of anxiety a child feels. As a parent, you can work to make your home more of a refuge by 1) responding with more patience, 2) eliminating the use of sarcasm and/or put-downs, 3) using upbeat and positive language, and 4) ensuring an environment free of excess noise, arguing, and clutter.

Build good family relationships
How we talk to and treat each other is important, especially in our own families. If we cannot feel good about the relationships in our homes, it is hard to feel good about life in general. If we do not feel safe (emotionally or physically) in our own homes, and with our own families, it will be hard to feel safe anywhere. However, if we can rely on the understanding, support, and friendship of family members, we will never be alone in the world. Do what you can to be more patient, kind, courteous, and positive with your family members.

Support the development and maintenance of positive peer relationships
Kids need friends. Although at times parents may not see the urgency of this need, kids are very aware of it. If kids don’t have friends it probably bother them significantly, even if they don't talk about it. If your child is sitting alone at lunch, standing alone on the playground, or lacking peers with whom they can chat about common interests, it will be hard for him/her to feel accepted and secure. Although we as parents are very committed to our children’s well-being, we are not adequate replacements for peer friendships. Kids need to feel like they fit in, like they have a place in the world. Kids also need to be able to laugh and play sometimes, without having to be concerned about the larger matters in life (as a matter of fact, most of us adults probably need this too). Kids worry a lot less about getting their clothes dirty, or how they look when they dance, and they enjoy giving way to their playful imaginations. Friends help kids be kids. So, you might ask your child about his/her friends, you might offer to host a movie night for his/her peers, or you might invite families (with kids of similar ages) over to your house for dinner.

Commit to help your child through his/her struggles
Whatever you do, don’t leave your child to fend for him/herself in the world. The world is a big place, and kids should not have to face it alone. They need their parents to guide and reassure them through the daily maze of life. Kids don’t always know how to deal with issues. They may feel stressed or overwhelmed about something that an adult would see as minor or insignificant. It is important that we be there, as parents, paying close attention to our kids’ experiences in life. When we are present in our kids’ lives, we can be there to help them make healthy choices and form healthy beliefs about themselves. Since problems like anxiety are not often resolved quickly, it is important that we commit to the long-term process of helping our children; we need to let them know that we will be with them, that we “have their back.”

Help your children develop and use positive coping strategies
There are many different strategies a person can use to handle life’s challenges. Although we don’t often think about where our own coping strategies came from, it is most likely that we obtained them from the example and training of our parents. It is a great responsibility for us as parents to ensure that our children have positive strategies for coping with stress and anxiety. This can help them avoid resorting to ineffective, and even damaging coping strategies, such as self-isolation, violence, substance abuse, etc. It is important that we teach our children positive coping strategies, and that we reinforce their use of those strategies. Here are some positive strategies that can help a person cope with anxiety:

Relaxation
Prayer and meditation
Exercise and physical exertion
Fun and laughter
Talking with trusted adults (parents, teachers, etc.)
Daily structure and routine
positive thinking
Engaging in productive activity
Challenging self to do brave (and healthy) things
Asking others about how they deal with fears
Outdoor activities
Positive time with family and loved ones

Monitor household media use
Another thing that can cause, or increase, anxiety in children is exposure to adult concerns or issues. Many of these can be found on the internet, and with children’s increased exposure to the internet comes increased exposure to adult issues. Also, kids are watching more and more material that is designed to be stimulating or intense. This frequent exposure to potentially disturbing content is combined with the fact that kids are getting less and less outdoor, physical activity. This is a formula for increased agitation and potential anxiety. Given these issues, parents can:

Filter or monitor web content

Limit amount of time spent on media (internet, TV, music, etc.)

Restrict access to disturbing or anxiety provoking content

Minimize exposure to adult issues and concerns

Summary
As a parent, you are on the frontline when it comes to your kids, and the challenges they face. This means that you will be one of the first to know if they are experiencing stress and anxiety. Since your kids rely on you to make wise decisions about their welfare, it is especially important that you are prepared to help them address big life challenges, like anxiety. Anxiety can be a big challenge for your child, and for you as a parent, so be sure you utilize the resources available in your community (counselors, physicians, school personnel, family and friends, etc.). Don’t try to go it alone. As you work together with your child, and with trained professionals, there is no reason to doubt that things can get better. When anxiety is recognized early, and is properly addressed, it can be manageable. Remember that treatment for anxiety works, especially when it is supported by loving parents who help their kids through the process.

20 Characteristics of Real Manhood

2012-08-01T15:05:00.006-05:00

NOTE: Every man has the potential for real manhood, and it is not expected that these characteristics will come without time and effort.

1. Lightens the Burdens of Those Around Him

The Real Man does not spend time selfishly thinking of himself or his own benefit, but regularly thinks of and seeks the welfare of others. When it is within his power to do so he will do good things for other people, without the expectation of reward or recognition.

2. Values Himself and Others

The Real Man avoids the common, adolescent practice of seeking social dominance over others. He does not try to establish himself as superior, but instead maintains a strong, quiet humility. He is always willing to stand up for those who are mistreated or marginalized.

3. Views Women as Equals

The Real Man views women as equal to men, and he treats the women in his life with honor and dignity. He refuses to engage in jokes, interactions, or relationships that support or condone the degradation, mistreatment, or sexualization of women. Instead, he recognizes and publicizes the wonderful attributes, abilities, and contributions of women.

4. Abandons the “Man-Cave”
The Real Man does not spend time with himself or “the guys” engaging in activities that are “macho”, selfish, and/or that appeal to the lower instincts of man. Instead, the Real Man allots time and energy to more noble pursuits, such as the building up of marriage and family relationships, and positively contributing to his community. The Real Man never puts “the guys” above “the wife” or “the family.”

5. Seeks Truth and Understanding

The Real Man listens patiently and intently to others in his life, especially to his family members. He does not use aggressive or manipulative tactics to establish himself as being “right” about an issue, even when he is. He does not seek social dominance, but instead seeks to understand the elements of truth within each person’s perspective, and allows others time to express themselves without fear of criticism.

6. Is Gentle and Respectful

The Real Man does not use force or intimidation in his relationships, but treats others with respect and dignity. He uses his properly-developed influence to build lasting, meaningful, and productive relationships. He is respectful and gentle toward those who might be viewed as “undesirable“ or undeserving.

7. Honors the Virtue of Women

The Real Man does not view pornography or other sexually explicit material, but instead seeks to protect the virtue and honor of women everywhere. He recognizes the negative impacts of objectifying women and treating them as sexual objects. He values the potential of every woman to be good and virtuous, and he treats every woman accordingly.

8. Values People More than Sex

The Real Man does not view sex as a social commodity or recreational outlet to which he is somehow entitled, nor does he view sex as something that he must have in order to be happy. Instead, he exercises wisdom and self-restraint; he recognizes that sexual intimacy belongs in the context of a committed and loving relationship. He understands that it is something to be shared (with mutual consent) between loving, committed partners.

9. Invests in the Happiness of Others

The Real Man takes time to plan for the welfare of others, and seeks to make special occasions memorable for them (especially for his family). He does not neglect special events, or wait for someone else to make the arrangements. He prepares in advance so that his efforts can demonstrate his love for others.

10. Is Wise and Unselfish with His Time

The Real Man does not waste time on video games, selfish hobbies, or other pursuits. Instead, he uses his time to develop family relations, serve people in need, or make meaningful contributions to society. He sees his time as a valuable gift to be used wisely. Although he may engage in some hobbies or outlets, he does so sparingly, to refresh his mind and body.

11. Develops His Relationship to God and the Universe

The Real Man utilizes his spirituality and values to guide and limit his personal behaviors and social interactions. He does not make decisions based on what is most immediately profitable, satisfying, or simple, but makes wise decisions with a long-term perspective in mind. Because he values his spirituality, he consistently engages in learning and activities that strengthen his spiritual knowledge and attributes.

12. Proactively Provides for His Family

The Real Man takes a proactive approach to providing safe and comfortable living arrangements for his family. He does not allow himself to get discouraged or apathetic about his family’s physical welfare, but recognizes that providing for his family is one of his highest duties, and sees it as a privilege. He humbly accepts help when needed, but continues to work toward self-reliance and fiscal security for his family.

13. Values Trust and Complete Fidelity

The Real Man avoids engaging in thoughts and actions that would hurt the feelings or violate the trust of his wife. He stays away from relationships and contact with others that could in any way be seen as inappropriate or unfaithful. He works to be faithful in all his thoughts, feelings, and actions, and is not swayed by those influences that would encourage otherwise.

14. Does Not Abuse Drugs or Alcohol

The Real Man recognizes the negative impacts and risks associated with substance abuse, and works to keep it out of his own life, and out of his family’s environment. He recognizes that drug and alcohol use can detract from his mental, physical, or spiritual health; can negatively impact family relationships; and can impair ones ability to be trusted and relied upon.

15. Diligently Fulfills Family Obligations and Duties

The Real Man does not neglect family obligations and duties (including housework), in a way that leaves his wife or other family members feeling overwhelmed or resentful. Instead, he does what he can to lighten the burdens of family members, especially his wife. He sets an example for his children by willingly contributing to the general family welfare, wherever his efforts are needed. He does not see himself to be above any household labor (including dishes, laundry, and toilet cleaning).

16. Invests Time and Energy in His Marriage Relationship

The Real Man takes a proactive approach to ensure that the marital relationship is developed in positive ways, and that his wife has no doubt that he loves her and wants to continually grow closer to her. He demonstrates this by ensuring that he and his wife frequently spend quality time together (including regular dates). He also ensures that his wife feels supported, and that the family burdens are shared.

17. Protects the Family Environment from Bad Influences

The Real Man does not bring people, materials, or philosophies into the family setting that would put the family's well being and long-term happiness at risk. He wisely considers how to screen and limit what media, literature, and other influences are welcomed into the home. He uses his influence to encourage only uplifting elements.

18. Is Honest and Trustworthy

The Real Man is honest in all his interactions and always seeks to find and uphold the truth. When he engages in improper or hurtful behavior, or makes a mistake that negatively impacts others, he acknowledges his error, seeks forgiveness from those impacted, and works to prevent similar events in the future. Instead of denying, minimizing, rationalizing, or blaming others for his behavior, he is honest, humble, and repentant.

19. Openly Expresses Love and Personal Feelings

The Real Man does not subscribe to societal trends for men, such as acting “bad”, macho, crude, or heartless. But, he is open with his positive expressions of love for his family and others. He is open about his inner feelings, even when they are feelings of loneliness, sadness, or hurt. He shows compassion for others who are feeling this way. He recognizes that emotions are part of the human condition.

20. Is Humble and Unassuming

The Real Man has slain the tendency toward self-aggrandizement and pride. He chooses to be humble, caring, and sensitive, and is the kind of person others feel good being around. He sees all human beings as equal in worth. He makes his contributions to the world, without the need to announce them or to self-promote. He is happy to see others get recognized for their accomplishments, and he humbly accepts positive feedback about his own.

When Should I Seek Counseling?

2011-07-19T13:58:00.003-05:00

For many people, it is a challenging decision whether or not to seek counseling. After all, challenges are a normal part of life and we can usually deal with those challenges on our own, or at least with the help of people close to us. However, at one time or another, most of us have had challenges that seem too much to handle. It is at such times that we should consider getting some help. There are a number of signs we can look for that might tell us we need additional help. Although there are many such signs, I will identify five major ones:

1) Impaired functioning - If you have noticed that your ability to function in individually, socially, or professionally has decreased, or is on a downward trajectory, meeting with a mental health professional might help you to restore your normal and/or potential functioning. When we are not doing as well as we used to do (for no apparent reason), it might be time to "sharpen the saw." Activities that help us "sharpen" our personal "saw" include exercise, prayer/meditation, and talking out our problems with people we trust.

2) Lack of Life Satisfaction - Although life is full of ups and downs (sometimes we are happy, sometimes we are sad), consistent feelings of dissatisfaction with life suggests that something we are doing is not working. Although we may eventually be able to figure it out, sometimes the answers seem far away from us. At times like this,
the insights and feedback of a counselor may help us identify where we need to make changes.

3) Use of Destructive Coping Mechanisms - Having our own ways to deal with difficult situations in life is an important part of reaching maturity. However, since we frequently encounter new and challenging situations in our lives, and because many of us did not have healthy coping strategies modeled by our parents, from time to time we may need to develop new strategies. Many of us have tried coping methods that, instead of helping the situation, make it worse. Examples of poor coping mechanisms include: substance abuse, anger and violence, emotional shut down, leaving loved ones, and abandoning responsibilities. Books, websites, and other media can help us find personal tools for coping with challenges in our lives. However, for certain coping skills it is good to have a "coach." Most counselors understand the importance of helping their clients develop a useful set of coping skills and strategies.

4) Feeling Like Giving Up - As mentioned earlier, it is normal to have ups and downs in life, and to get discouraged from time to time. Feeling down is just as natural as feeling up. There are times in most of our lives when we seem to be getting down more frequently, and feeling up less frequently. If such a downward trend is something you are experiencing, and have reached the point where you feel "at the end of your rope," a counselor, or other mental health professional, might be able to help you get "out of the dumps." Feeling like we "just can't do it anymore" is a good sign that we could use some help.

5) Decaying Personal and Family Relationships - Research consistently suggests that having a network of family and other close relationships can help us live happier lives, experience support during difficult times, and help us feel emotionally secure. But when close relationships become distressing or hurtful we should seriously consider getting help from a relationship expert. Although, many mental health professionals can provide basic relationship therapy, you might want to consider getting help from someone with specific training in marriage and family therapy. Investment (of time, energy, etc.) toward improved relationships, can often have important impact on your level of personal happiness and life satisfaction. The right kind of counselor just might be able to provide you with the help you need to have more fulfilling and peaceful relationships.

As I mentioned initially, most of the time we are able to handle the challenges we face in life. However, a big part of maturity and emotional health is recognizing when we need help. There are numerous signs that might tell us we need help. I have listed five such signs above. Take a minute to evaluate whether you, or the people in your life, might benefit from counseling services. If so, do not hesitate to contact a professional near you. It might be one of the best decisions you ever make.

Why Take Care of Your Mental and Emotional Health?

2011-06-27T16:14:00.002-05:00

Most people believe that it is a good idea to take care of your physical health. Most of us try to eat right, exercise, get regular checkups, and get medical care when we need it. However, few people put that same kind of priority and effort towards their mental and emotional health. As a matter of fact, many of us would deny that care for our mental and emotional health is necessary.

The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) has put together a great fact sheet about mental illness that I recommend you view. I think you be surprised at some of the information they have compiled:

NAMI: Mental Illness Facts

Your mental/emotional health is just as important to your happiness and overall well-being as your physical health. So, if you or someone you love is having difficulties, get help now...don't wait!

Ten Rules for Being Human

2011-06-25T22:49:00.000-05:00

Follow the link to view "Ten Rules for Being Human." Although I might adjust these "rules" in a couple of places, I find that, for the most part, they are quite realistic (including rule #10). What do you think? What would you add or remove from these rules?

Ten Rules for Being Human - by Cherie Carter-Scott

Dose of daily happiness leads to longer life » Knoxville News Sentinel

2011-06-23T23:14:00.000-05:00

When were you at your happiest? Is it now? What would bring your more happiness? This article, I think, is a good reminder about how important it is to have "a dose" of happiness everyday. It also gives some real basic suggestions about where to find it. I would include, spending a little extra, positive time (even just a few minutes) with a child, spouse, or close friend. What suggestions would you add?

Want Better Family Relationships?....Take a Vacation.

2011-06-04T17:57:00.007-05:00

Have you ever wondered if family vacations are really worth the time and effort you put into them? I have. As a matter of fact, my family and I just got back from a vacation to Florida. There were eight of us packed into one vehicle....

Is Middle-age the Time of Least Happiness?

2011-04-23T14:38:00.004-05:00

An interesting study in the UK suggests that people tend to be happiest prior to their late 20s, and after age 50. Middle age (30s and 40s) tends to be a time of more "grumpiness" for people. It is suggested that perhaps, in part, it is due to the weight of responsibility people experience during that time. Is this true for you?

So what can you do to increase your level of happiness, no matter your current age? There are plenty of opinions about this. I found one set of "Six Scientifically Proven Strategies" that seem to hold true in my experience. Take a minute to see how you are doing with these:

Increase Your Happiness With These Six Scientifically Proven Strategies - by Dumb Little Man

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)

2011-04-15T08:56:00.001-05:00

NIMH Guide on Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)
Although sometimes kids may just seem like they are not paying attention, or are "bouncing off the walls," they may actually have a disorder, called Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. If your child's behavior seems out of control, or if s/he seems to be "driven by a motor," it is possible that s/he has ADHD. It is important, however, not to attempt a diagnosis on your own; it is always a good idea to get the opinion of a qualified professional with some expertise in the area. That being said, there are many good resources available (Isn't the internet great?) that can help parents learn more about ADHD. This research-based guide, provided by the National Institute for Mental Health, provides some very good information on ADHD, how to recognize it, what causes it, and how to deal with it. Perhaps you will find it helpful.

Would You Want Spirituality Included in Your Counseling?

2011-04-14T09:05:00.003-05:00

I have always believed that it is important to give clients the option of including their religious/spiritual beliefs in the counseling session. After all, what we believe about life and its purpose is going to have a big impact on how we approach every day situations, and on how we view ourselves. Of course it is not my place, as a practitioner, to try and influence or change a person's belief, but only to help create a safe place for building on personal faith and values.

A recent study found that most clients feel it is appropriate, and even preferable, for spirituality to be part of the counseling process. As I see it, a person's faith is most often something that calls upon them to improve themselves, to see purpose in life (even the hard times), and to treat others with kindness. Of course, not everyone has spiritual or religious beliefs, and I am just as happy to help them make the positive changes they want to make, but I have found that in many cases, it is a person's faith/spirituality that helps them see the "light at the end of the tunnel."

How Does Your Marriage Measure Up?

2010-04-08T19:58:00.007-05:00

Is your marriage in good shape? There are many different ways to tell, but some are more sure than others. A marriage assessment is one quick and easy way to see how your marriage is doing, compared to marriages of other people. By following the link below, you can complete a brief, free assessment that can give you a quick estimate about how well your marriage is doing. If you find that your relationship is doing well, keep doing what you are doing. If, on the other hand, you find that your marriage is doing poorly, make a commitment to do your part to improve it. This might involve marital therapy, serious discussions with your spouse, or simply taking more time out to have fun with your spouse.

Photo by AmpamukA

Marriage Quiz : Free Marriage Quiz : Discovery Health

NIMH · Publications

2010-03-04T18:35:00.000-06:00

NIMH · Publications
This is a great resource for information on issues related to mental health. It is provided by the National Institute for Mental Health.

The Modern Form of Communication?

2009-09-23T16:19:00.002-05:00

I think this cartoon is very funny, but becoming all too real. Do you find your communications going digital? There can be some real challenges with that, lots of misunderstandings.

'Do you ever communicate as a family by just speaking?' by Hagen, Ralph

How to Strengthen Your Marriage By Improving Communication With Your Wife | eHow.com

2009-09-16T14:06:00.001-05:00

Here is some advice for husbands. What do you think about it?

How to Strengthen Your Marriage By Improving Communication With Your Wife | eHow.com

Discovery Health :: Top 10 Marriage Myths

2009-09-15T20:52:00.002-05:00

Discovery Health :: Top 10 Marriage Myths
Although this article was originally published in 2002, it contains some useful information and does a great job of debunking some common myths about marriage.