Dr. Jenn Chrisman

Setting an Intention

2012-02-28T09:09:00.000-08:00

“By recording your dreams and goals on paper, you set in motion the process of becoming the person you most want to be. Put your future in good hands — your own.” –Mark Victor Hansen

If you've ever taken a yoga class, you have likely heard the teacher instruct you to set an intention for yourself, or your practice. An intention is similar to a goal, what do you want to achieve or focus on? Inside the yoga studio it can seem simple, my personal intention rarely changes in class, it is to remember to breathe consciously and stay present in the class!

But what about outside yoga class? Can we set intentions for our personal lives, our careers, or love life? Of course, and it is the imperative first step in creating the life we truly want. Transforming ourselves, just like manifesting a dream, begins by setting an intention and identifying where you want to go. By setting, writing, and displaying intentions you will take greater control of your life.

A working definition for an intention is: “to have in mind a purpose or plan, to direct the mind, to aim.” Lacking intention, we sometimes stray without meaning or direction. But with it, all the forces of the universe can align to make even the most impossible, possible. My intention of this blog post is to change the way you think about your dreams; from fear and doubt, to hope and possibility, followed by action and results.

For some of us we know exactly what we want, but we don’t tell anyone our intention because we are afraid they will judge us or we fear what will happen if we do not achieve our intention right away and then others will think we failed. Then there are those of us who have gone through the motions of life having success here and there, moving from one step to the next, but never with a master plan. What happens when you stop moving or having success, or become aware of the lack of purpose or meaning in what you have been doing? There are others that have not had much success or happiness. How is what you are currently doing working out for you? Not so great? Change your current life pattern and set intentions.

But how? There are different strategies I will share, but the common thread through all strategies is to WRITE YOUR INTENTIONS DOWN and DISPLAY THEM. Whether it is in a pretty frame by your desk, a piece of paper you keep in the plastic window of your wallet, a post it on your fridge, put your dreams in motion. By setting an intention, you make it clear to yourself and others, just what you plan to do. Set an intention to redefine what it means to be serious about your dreams.

Tips for Setting Individual and Short Term Intentions

1. Get clear about something you want and write it down.

2. Share your intention with someone in a way that will supportively hold you accountable to taking action.

3. Do something today to demonstrate your commitment to your intention. I often encourage my clients to dedicate 5 minutes every morning to setting an intention for themselves that day, what kind of person do you want to be today, what do you need to do today to be that person, what do you need to do today so that when you go to bed tonight you can look back on your day and feel proud of the choices you made and the actions you took.

4. Acknowledge that you did what you said you would and then, take the next step to completing your intention.

Tips for Creating Long-Term Intentions

1. Ask yourself, if money and time were no option what does your ideal life look, feel, smell like 10 years from now? Who is in it? How do you spend your time? Where are you living? Where are you working?

Then write it down, maybe you can paint the picture in 1 paragraph maybe you need 10 pages, but write it down.

2. Then work backwards, what do you need to achieve within the next year so you have your ideal life 10 years from now? Write it down!

3. What do you need to achieve within the next 5 years so you have your dream life 10 years from now? Write it down!

4. What do you need to achieve within the next 10 years so that you are living your dream life? Write it down.

5. Display your 1, 5, 10 year intentions as well as your vision for your ideal life.

Don’t worry if there are holes or you want to change an intention tomorrow, next month, or 10 years from now. It is a living document that you own and can control. If you dream it, set an intention, and it will manifest in your life.

“The tragedy in life doesn’t lie in not reaching your goal. The tragedy lies in having no goal to reach.” –Benjamin Mays

Parents: What To Do If Your Teen Doesn't Want Help

2011-08-20T10:31:00.000-07:00

It's no secret that being a parent is a really difficult job; just when you think you've got it figured out your child enters a new stage of development and it's like you're starting over from the beginning. While each stage brings it's own unique adventures and challenges, adolescence is often the one that brings the most fear and frustration for parents. For a child, adolescence marks a time for self-discovery and individuation from their family, often times this takes the form of rebellion, rule-breaking, and limit-pushing. Parents often watch their "sweet angels" turn into angry, moody, and avoidant strangers who only seem to show up when food is around, or they need spending money. Rebellion is a normal and natural part of adolescence. Up until now your child has been completely dependent on and identified with the family unit and often they will swing to the other extreme in an effort to define themselves as separate before they are able to settle in somewhere in the middle.

As a parent, it can be painful to watch your child move away from you, pick fights with you, or make decisions that you know are not in their best interest. Therapy can often be helpful for a teen because it can provide a safe environment to deepen their understanding of themselves, improve on their communication, and help with problem-solving skills, unfortunately this suggestion from parents is often met with much resistance from the teen. They may see therapy as burdensome or like a punishment. Whenever a parent contacts me about seeing their teen, the first question I always ask is, "How does the teen feel about therapy?" If the parent tells me that the teen is resistant, I will encourage them to come in anyway, as the teen may be more open to the idea than they are willing to admit to their parents. However, there are times when the teen will adamantly refuse, then what?

This is when it is often a good idea to use the therapy for yourself. It's easy as a parent to direct all of your efforts and resources to helping your child but it's important and equally necessary to help yourself. Therapy can provide a parent of a teenage a space to help process the feelings of sadness and loss that may be coming up, or their frustration and anger, but most importantly it can help a parent learn to let go. You might be thinking, "But my child is in real trouble, I can't just let him do what he wants." Letting go isn't about condoning or encouraging destructive behavior but about accepting your limitations. Therapy can help you find peace and a balance between loving encouragement and help and painful efforts to control and change.

Just T.H.I.N.K

2011-08-04T14:46:00.000-07:00

I don't know who of us couldn't benefit from better communication skills. How many times have you left a conversation feeling regret for something you said? Or, how often do you find that you are talking just for the sake of talking, without even realizing what your saying, why you're saying it, or what those around you are saying. Whether it's with our spouse, or parents, children, bosses, whoever, here's a simple a trick to improve the effectiveness of what comes out of your mouth: THINK. Use this acronym to ask yourself the following questions:

T - Is what I'm about to say Thoughtful?

H - Is it Honest?

I - Is it Intelligent?

N - Is it Necessary?

K - Is it Kind?

If you can't answer YES to all of these questions, your're probably better off just not saying anything. Most of us forget, or never learned, that staying quiet is always an option, albeit not always the easiest!

Challenging Automatic Negative Thinking -- It Is Possible

2011-06-24T09:39:00.000-07:00

I heard a fable today of a farmer who found a magic flute. He decided to use this flute to charm his hens into laying more eggs and so he played it to them all day long. By the end of the day, the hens had laid no more eggs than usual. When he was asked if he'd had any success, he replied, "I sure did. It wasn't much of a day for egg-laying, but it was a great day for music."

This story highlights, so whimsically, the importance of perspective. In any given situation we actually have a choice of how we look at it and the meaning that we attach to it. Our thoughts can often feel as though they happen automatically and therefore that we have no control over them...to a certain point, this is true. We may have an automatic thought that is one of negative, fearful, hurtful, shameful, etc., but it doesn't have to end there. I often say to my clients that it's not about NOT having certain thoughts or feelings, but what you do with them when they come up that matters. So, when you are presented with a situation and you automatically go to viewing it as negative, or as a failure, challenge yourself to acknowledge that there could be the possibility of a different perspective, even if you don't believe it at first. The more practice you get at taking this challenge the more you will begin to believe it, I promise. If you are consciously reminding yourself throughout the day to find the positives in your experiences you'll find that it does start to become a genuine part of you and you will carry yourself as someone with love and positivity in their hearts.

If I Could Just Get Some Control, Then I Wouldn't Have to Feel

2011-06-03T09:31:00.000-07:00

I think the most common struggle I see in my practice, from clients of all ages, is the discomfort and pain that comes from trying to force things to happen, trying to make people do what we want them to do, and trying to make life happen the way we think it should. In other words CONTROLLING. Controlling behaviors can take show up in any form, from disordered eating to conflicts in work and personal relationships. Often times we can recognize that our behaviors are controlling because we might find ourselves feeling crazy, realizing that our efforts aren't working, and we are alienated from others. Underlying our need to control we will find feelings that we need to confront and deal with; usually those feelings include fear.

I've written a lot about confronting our fears and at risk of sounding like a broken record, I will again emphasize the importance of feeling our feelings. In the beginning this can be an incredibly uncomfortable experience. However, in order to move beyond the discomfort we need to stop running from our emotions and from what is really going on with us. Feelings are emotional energy and they are our responsibility. If we can stand still and simply feel our feelings, rather than blaming them on others, allowing them to control us, or trying to control others with them, they will often go away. Ignoring our feelings doesn't make them go away, in fact it usually makes them get bigger, and they will start to come out in other ways, often strange, harmful, and unpredictable ways. Many people have learned from their families that is isn't okay to feel. However, it is possible to learn to accept and value the emotional part of ourselves; it is important and closely connected to happiness and health.

An Honest Relationship with Ourselves -- The Foundation for Change

2011-05-25T09:59:00.000-07:00

In No Man is an Island, Thomas Merton describes how, "to make good choices, I must develop a mature and prudent understanding of myself that will reveal to me my real motives and intentions." This is what we do in therapy. We ask ourselves questions like, Why do I do what I do, Why do I say what I say, Why do I want what I want? Often times therapy can provide a safe environment where, not only can we ask these questions, but we can explore the answers deeply and honestly. It's easy to turn to self-justifications or even self-deprecation, rather than allowing ourselves to be truly honest with ourselves. However, if we want real growth and change we need to learn to tolerate knowing all of the parts of ourselves; to be honest about who we are, how we feel, and what we think, without attaching to judgments and shaming. It is important to realize that while we must acknowledge where we might be lacking, or what we might be doing "wrong," it is also important to realize that we must also learn to acknowledge our strengths and "good" qualities, because this is where the foundation of growth comes from. When we are able to provide ourselves with honest answers to these questions of who we are, we are then able to identify what might be blocking us from attaining the growth and peace that we want. In the process of getting to know yourself you will experience a sense of agency and empowerment that will allow you to make decisions and to know what you want.

Taking the First Step - Getting Started in the Therapeutic Process

2011-05-09T20:24:00.000-07:00

Before we begin the therapeutic process, like any other new adventure, we may have feelings of excitement and anxiety. It is exciting to think that there may really be solutions to the life experiences that have hurt and plagued us. We may feel excited and motivated to try new knowledge and tools we learn, but we may also feel anxious or scared. We may feel as though this is our last resort and fear that this, too, will not work. We may believe that while it has worked for many others, perhaps we are so damaged that it will not work for us. We may simply not know what to expect, and not knowing can be really scary. Often times change may have felt like it was for the worst and therefore, anything different can feel threatening. The key to getting started in any exciting but perhaps frightening new adventure is willingness.

Therapy is a process of learning to know ourselves. As a process, it is never completed, and change continues to occur. As certain problems are solved, we are led to deeper levels of consciousness. At first this may seem discouraging, however it may actually be a blessing. Even after we have overcome a crisis, which is what often leads us to seek therapy in the first place, there is always the potential for more growth. Again, the key is willingness to stick with it and embrace the continued opportunity for growth and awareness.

As we begin this journey, we often want to know a specific tool to apply to each specific problem; it can be very frustrating to feel as though you are groping around in the dark. It is important to remember that the tool that works best for one person may not work for us. While there is a common understanding of the effectiveness of tools and techniques that can be learned from therapy, we are all individual people who must find our own unique blend of solutions. The only way to learn what works for us is to be willing to try it in our own lives and to remember the goal is to achieve progress, not perfection.

The Gift of The Giving Tree

2011-04-11T20:46:00.000-07:00

One of the many perks of parenthood has been the introduction, or re-introduction, of many beautiful children's stories. As adults we don't often get to visit the stories of our childhoods, which is unfortunate because there is so much to learn from them through our grown-up eyes. So far, there have been three books that have stood out to me, one of those books is The Giving Tree, by Shel Silverstein. I remember reading this book as a little girl and it always made me cry...I felt so much sadness for the tree; she seemed so lonely. However, reading this book as an adult, I have such a different understanding and newfound respect for the tree. This is really a story about learning to tolerate another's limited capacity for love. In the story the tree gives various parts of herself to a young boy, who then becomes a man, and as you watch this man take from her, seemingly without giving anything back, the tree continues to accept this man, as he is, with all of his, seemingly selfish, flaws. As I read this book, I realized how much there is to learn from this tree. One of the greatest challenges I watch people face, myself included, is tolerating how little control we have over another person's behaviors. It's so easy to get caught up in trying to fix, or change, someone; seeing so clearly that all they have to do is change this one little thing and everything could be so much better; or falling into the trap of basing your own value, or self-worth, on this other person's behaviors. It's so easy to feel sadness for the tree when you are looking at it through the lens that she is deprived because the boy cannot reciprocate her giving. However, that does not appear to be the tree's actual experience, perhaps just a projection from my own place of deprivation. The tree places no demands on this boy, she asks for nothing in return, and she continues to just be, as this boy moves in and out of her life. I'm sure there are many other interpretations of this incredible story but I imagine how much peace we could experience if we took just a little bit of The Giving Tree's poised offerings.

Emotional Spring Cleaning

2011-03-21T16:47:00.000-07:00

If you are like most people, it has probably been about two and a half months since you've broken your new year's resolution. Fortunately for us, January is not the only opportunity for new beginnings. We can start fresh whenever we want and as often as we want. What better time to start anew than right now, especially with Spring upon us. Throughout the plant and animal world, Spring symbolizes new beginnings and a fresh start. It can be easy to lose sight of our adaptability and restrict ourselves to specific measures of success or failure. We tend to give up on ourselves as soon as we lose steam. However, part of our humanity is the constant ebb and flow of our accomplishments. We are going to try and sometimes we will succeed and sometimes we won't but then we get to try again, either at the same thing or trying something new. So, why have we become conditioned to think that the only time we can resolve to take care of ourselves is the first of the year? The reality is, we can make that resolution anytime we want, and if we stumble along the way that doesn't mean we can't pick right back up and keep going; it is a process, and it's about progress, NOT PERFECTION!

Be Kind to One Another -- Overcoming Female Competitiveness

2011-03-15T17:57:00.000-07:00

Female competitiveness is an affliction affecting almost every woman in our society and, sadly, is beginning to show itself in younger and younger girls. Female competitiveness is occurring anytime you open a magazine, or watch a tv show, and think that you are inadequate because you don't look like the models and actresses, or you beat yourself up because you haven't achieved the same success as a friend, or coworker. Women are conditioned to believe that if one woman possesses a certain commodity then she is a threat, and thereby a sworn enemy. The scarcity mindset that we have bought into tells us that there are not enough resources for all women to be able to have success and gain accomplishments; that for one woman to "win" another must "lose." The impact of this mindset has devastating implications on the self-esteem of many women, influencing both how they treat themselves and how they treat others. The constant comparison of what others have, and thereby what you don't have, can leave you feeling resentful, alone, and angry. It's easy to lose sight of your own success and happiness when you have defined your worth by the success, accomplishments, and perceived happiness of others. In actuality we have no control over another person's accomplishments, so we need to stop defining ourselves by competing with them.

By constantly comparing yourself to others you waste a tremendous amount of energy and separate yourself from others, which can leave you alone and deeply unhappy, as you may be isolating yourself from the love and support of the women in your life. It is also hard to imagine that you would be able to receive and take in success and positivity when you are preoccupied with negative thoughts and destructive behaviors, either towards yourself or someone else. Our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are closely connected and often times if we can change one the others might follow suit. How might your life be different if your thoughts were filled with compassion and self-love rather than preoccupation with comparing yourself to someone else? Imagine if you were able to view the world as abundant, with ample opportunity for everyone to achieve their dreams and receive love. Shortly before returning to work after the birth of my son, I received a very powerful message from a girlfriend who was also a new mother returning to work. I was expressing my concern about leaving Oliver with someone else and she reminded me that the more opportunity and exposure he has to others loving him and the various types of love, the more able he will be to take in love and to love in return. The same is true for all of us. If we can recognize our own value and self-worth, learning to love ourselves, and take in the love of others, women no longer need to be a source of conflict but a valuable resource of support, encouragement, and love.

The Birth of a Mother

2011-03-04T13:21:00.000-08:00

There is an inner, often very private experience that occurs when a woman becomes a mother, one not often talked about. Just as her baby is born physically, a mother must be born emotionally; she must give birth to a new identity: the identity of being a mom. How this identity emerges and what the process feels like will be different for every woman. There is a lot written about the physical and practical aspects of motherhood but not as many resources exist for understanding the emotional experience of forming this new identity. Becoming a mother does not happen in one defining moment, rather it is the accumulation of events emerging gradually from the moment you discover you are pregnant to the many months following the birth of your baby.

It is easy to think of a mother as just a woman with a new, added responsibility; that she would develop new feelings and behaviors after having a baby, but would essentially remain the same person. However, I think it is a more complicated experience. When you have a baby it changes what you think about, what you fear or hope for, and what you fantasize about. Your basic sensory and information processing systems are heightened in addition to the influence had on your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Having a baby redirects many of your interests and pleasures, and will often leave you examining your values. I don't know that there is any way to prepare for the influence this new mindset will have on all of your previous relationships; you may find yourself reevaluating and redefining even your closest relationships.

As with any new experience, there is also the loss of what once was. Shortly after the birth of my son I remember saying to someone that I had lost my identity as a human being and it was now replaced with "just" being a mother. No matter how much you love your baby, or having become a mother, the loss of your previous life can be as painful as any other loss one might experience. It is important to remember that grieving is a process, that your grief will be a personal and unique experience, and that you need to grieve your loss, letting yourself feel the emotions as they come up. This can be especially difficult for a new mother because it may be hard to imagine that feelings of anger and resentment might be acceptable (and even completely normal) feelings to have towards your new role as mother.

Understanding the Emotional Eater, Part II--What Needs?

2011-02-25T14:28:00.000-08:00

In Dr. Sears’ book, “The Baby Book,” he states that, “It is a natural, appropriate, and desirable part of development for a baby to be dependent. A baby needs to have needs. A baby who’s forced into independence (to become a self-soother) before his time misses the needs stage. A baby needs first to learn to bond to people before things. If a baby can’t have needs, who can? If the parents can’t fill those needs, who will? Later in life you may be very distressed to see who or what will be used to fill needs that went unmet in infancy.” A woman’s relationship to her needs can be a very complicated one. Often times, women can feel lost as they try and navigate the relationship with their needs, this dilemma is no more evident than in the woman struggling with an eating disorder, after all one of our most basic needs is our need to eat. The different eating styles of the anorexic, bulimic, or compulsive overeater can shed light on the woman’s relationship to her own needs.

The anorexic woman hates her emotional neediness and so she will starve herself as a way of declaring how strong she is. She is so strong that she has no needs, she doesn’t even need food, she doesn’t need anyone, she can overcome her weaknesses and be in control. The bulimic woman moves back and forth between whether or not she deserves to take in and keep her nurturance. As she oscillates between secret gorging rampages, that are attempts to fill her needs, and violent purging, where she is attempting to give back what she has taken in and punish herself for her neediness in the first place. For the woman struggling with overeating there doesn’t ever seem to be enough sustenance. Just as her appetite can never be satisfied, her needs feel like they can never be satisfied either. She does not trust in the availability and abundance of food, just as she does not trust in the availability and abundance of human love and connection.

Identifying what you really need and feel can allow you to determine how to express those needs directly rather than recruiting food to do it for you. The more connected and responsive you are to your inner emotional self and needs the less likely you will be to divert your energy into worries about food, eating, and weight.

This Too Shall Pass

2011-02-18T15:34:00.000-08:00

We are conditioned, as a society, to pursue happiness; to attain certain goals with the final destination being happiness. However, thinking that we can find some lasting pleasure and avoid pain is a hopeless cycle that leaves us suffering even more. As the mother of a newborn, I am humbly reminded everyday of the fragility of any given moment. I watch my son go from giggling and squealing in delight one moment to puckering his lower lip and crying the very next moment, seemingly for no reason at all. My job as a mother is not to prevent my baby from crying, or suffering; he is going to cry, the best I can do is make sure he is not crying alone and know that, just like his squealing in delight, this too shall pass. Imagine the heartache and suffering I would experience if there was no space for my baby to cry.

We all have this same task; we are all parents to ourselves and our job is not to pass some test or overcome some problem, but to allow enough space in our lives to move through the ever changing states. Things will come together and then they'll fall apart. Then they come together again and they fall apart again. Healing and peace comes from allowing all of this to happen: to feel the joy and the grief, the excitement and disappointment. We spend so much of our time pursuing avenues that we think are going to bring us pleasure, telling ourselves things like, "If I could just lose 5 pounds," or "If I could just land this job, then I'll be happy." But we don't know what's really going to happen. Similarly, we invest so much time in trying to avoid pain, but really, what we think is going to bring us misery, we don't know. The most important thing is to let there be room for not knowing. We never know if we are going to fall flat or if we will stand up tall. We don't know if what feels horrifying and scary will actually turn out to be a gift. And to remember that once we do get to that place, be it pleasurable or painful, it is only temporary...that this too shall pass.

Understanding The Emotional Eater-- Being Hungry From the Heart, Not From the Stomach

2011-02-10T16:18:00.001-08:00

Eating is a relationship, one that can be either nurturing or abusive, supportive or neglectful, nourishing or punishing. Understanding one's relationship with food is the first step on the road to recovery from an eating disorder. The underlying factors contributing to an eating disorder are deeply complex and typically reflect feelings of shame, insecurity, and fears of intimacy. Often times food is recruited as a person's only stable relationship and is used to help regulate the emotional problems in human relationships. Emotional eaters seek gratification through food rather than connection with people. After all, food is completely trustworthy and more compliant than any other relationship; it doesn't abandon, reject, or laugh at us, and it is always available when we say so.

Emotional eating is when you are lonely in the middle of the night and you look for comfort in the refrigerator. Or when you are angry at somebody and you tear into a candy bar rather than biting that person's head off. When you feel bored and empty and you can't figure out what to do with yourself so you binge and then make yourself vomit. When you refuse to eat because it gives you a sense of power and control when everything else in your life leaves you feeling powerless. Emotional eating is using food to distract, detour, or deny your inner experience. Emotional eating is the backbone of the compulsive eater, chronic dieter, bulimic, and anorexic. While each uses food differently--gorging, bingeing and purging, or starving--all are using food as a means to soothe, comfort, and keep them company or to punish and hurt themselves for their feelings, or needs, that they deem intolerable.

Healing an eating disorder is about declaring peace with emotional eating and begins in the heart. This means learning other nourishing ways of comforting and soothing yourself and learning to turn to others for nurturing rather than to your secret relationship with food. Feeling at home in your body, treating it as a friendly ally rather than an object to be yelled at or criticized. This has little to do with thinness or fatness and can be achieved by people of all shapes and sizes. This is about reclaiming the beauty of your inner self which has been hidden by your consuming relationship with food. Finally, healing is about hope. It is about cultivating a deeply rich relationship with your inner self. Psychotherapy is a powerful channel for this healing. In therapy you will develop a partnership with another human being who is trained to help you understand the inner reasons why you have made trusting food safer than trusting people.

If you, or someone you love, are struggling with an eating disorder and want help please call, or explore the links below for more options.

Website on Eating Disorders

National Eating Disorders Association

Welcome

2011-02-09T16:29:00.000-08:00

Hello and welcome to my blog! I’ve decided to start this blog as a way to stay professionally connected to my community and to be able to provide information and resources for both men and women on topics that I feel are interesting and important to share. In my work as a psychologist, I focus on women’s mental health and the impact our society has on the roles and messages that women are constantly coming in contact with. Women’s mental health encompasses a wide range of topics, including but certainly not limited to: eating disorders, body image, self-esteem, addiction, adolescent issues, pregnancy, postpartum, the transition into motherhood, parenting, and relationships. It is my intention to provide weekly posts on these various topics, as well as links to relevant articles and other resources. While this blog will focus on women’s mental health, it is intended to be a resource for men as well, in an effort to address how the same societal forces are impacting men as they are women, increase awareness, understanding, and to bridge differences. I welcome your comments, feedback, and suggestions regarding any information you see on this blog or feel should be discussed.

Thank you!

Dr. Jenn Chrisman