by KC Kelly, Ph.D.

www.DOCintheBiz.com

I can understand when people understand the terms “self esteem” or “self worth” (words which I use interchangeably) to be rather vanilla, simple and over-generalized. “Self-esteem” belongs at a level of the subconscious that is intangible and difficult to explain. This is why people often view the idea of “self esteem” to be “less than useful”. I will; however, stand strongly to my conviction, that how one feels about him/herself is the key to the way they think, feel and act. Please allow me to shed some more light on what I mean when I talk of self-esteem and self-worth.

Defining self esteem beyond the surface level can become quite complex, for it takes moving into an entirely new epistemology and possibly considering a new belief system that may not fit for all. Self esteem is a bit more profound than one would initially think. Feelings can be described in words; however, one person’s feelings can never truly be felt by another. Many times, the acts of arrogance or jealousy, for example, are believed to be directly correlated with low levels of self esteem. The act of being confident: higher levels of self esteem.

I suppose the question, “Do I have self esteem?” should be categorized with the questions, “How do I know if I’m in love?” or “When will I know I’m ready to be a parent?” The latter questions are ones my mother always told me, “You’ll just know.” Simple? Yes. True? I have always found it to be so. Feelings of love or readiness for life events are innate feelings, such as is self esteem; inner feelings that cannot be touched. How do you truly define the words love, readiness, or self esteem?

Let’s move on.

We really haven’t any need to “measure” the level of our self esteem. The answer to “how much” will eventually become apparent in the ways in which we act when faced with adversity, criticism, condemnation or disparagement. The ways in which we act are a direct result of how we think and feel internally. The ways in which we think and feel internally, can often be influenced by outside sources.

Many times, one finds him/herself stuck in negative patterns of thinking, feeling, and emoting. We often call this “stinkin thinkin”. Doesn’t one need a strong drive or desire to want to make positive changes or to learn how to think differently? The way we think affects the way we feel which can determine the way we act. This is a cycle worth looking into more closely when we find ourselves stuck in a rut or a pattern of self-destructive or unhealthy behavior. Where does one get this strong drive needed for change? Where does one get this strong desire to be able to own positive perceptions of actions, events, or happenings? The answer to this is self esteem. The way we allow something to affect us, is directly related to the way we feel about ourselves. If we feel that we are unworthy, bad, or undeserving, our actions will reflect this. On the other hand, if we feel as though we are valuable, admirable, and worthy, we will often be able to push past negative events and see the good in them or learn from them.

The process of finding contentment independent of external circumstances or external validation is, in my opinion, directly associated with the way we feel about ourselves. Isn’t the way we feel about ourselves, the fuel that lights our inner contentment? If we have a great sense of self, we are less likely to need validation from others for our thoughts, feelings or actions. We will be able to feel content or even proud of the choices we make.

Often times, when one feels a strong sense of self and is proud or content with their decisions, he/she will most often be more open to outside constructive criticism or simply be able to handle critique, disagreement or even outward defamation. People who are insecure with their choices, can plummet into self-degradation or even depression when put in a circumstance where they are faced with discontentment from others due to their actions or shared beliefs. Think of the child who barely believes in himself. If he raises his hand in class, answers a teacher’s question, and gets laughed at by his fellow classmates, is he likely to raise his hand again? What about a person who has a high sense of self and finds his/her actions or beliefs being criticized? He/She may be more apt to attempt to understand other points of view and learn from them. In addition, if this person who owns a high self worth finds that he/she can improve their knowledge bank, they will be able to find the correct resources to go out and build, learn, and grow.

I have found, throughout my study and practice, that if one has a high sense of self, he/she will more likely have the strength to see when a poor choice has been made and begin to understand what can be done differently the next time to get more desired results. If one does not have a good sense of self, he/she may just wallow in the negative, “I’m not worthy.” “Everything I do is wrong.” “I cannot do anything right.” The more appealing outcome of the poor choice would be to find the power to see beyond the negative to the positive: “What have I learned from this?” “What can I do differently next time?”

Another way to view the idea of making mistakes is to understand the possibility that there aren’t any mistakes in life. When one has a high sense of self, it becomes clear that every act we perform (whether the outcome is positive or negative), as well as what we call mistakes are not really mistakes, but what we should rename as learning experiences. As humans, we are constantly learning from the things we do and the choices we make independently of whether we desire to or not. In other words, we haven’t any choice in the matter. Determined by the choices we make, we set a chain of events into motion. What those events are, may most often be out of our control.

Finally, a person without much respect or value for his/herself will be more likely to remain stagnant or fail to try to expand or progress any further than where they are in their lives. They are usually afraid of failure or rejection in a way that prevents them from even attempting to develop their skills in any realm. However, a person with a high sense of self worth is constantly seeking to improve their intellectual, emotional, and physical being.

Self esteem is the foundation as to how a person thinks, feels, and behaves. The words self and esteem are just words. If you can look past the over-used terms to see the deeper meaning, you will understand that the way a person feels about him/herself directly affects their psyche.

Defining Self-Esteem: Is it Possible? And What Does it do for Us?

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KC Kelly, Ph.D.

www.DOCintheBiz.com

My Dear Readers,

I have the need to once again thank you for your kind emails of “Where are you?” and “Why have you not been delivering the articles that help us, inspire us and motivate us? Where are the articles that do not judge us, but normalize us and allow us to ask questions and get solid and meaningful answers?”

I promise that I have not deserted you and wish to explain that I am in the process of writing a book. The book is sparked from the grand idea of finding purpose, meaning in life and unleashing the great creative juices from our inner beings in times of blockage.

If you are a writer, (not to exclude any kind of artist or creator) you will know that writing comes from the heart, soul and subconscious. It often does not give the writer the opportunity to decide when it is going to free itself and spill across the keyboard. And so, I have not forgotten about those of you who are waiting for my next article, but I am here to promise something grand and powerful to be available to you soon. Due to reasons that are out of my power and control (the creative process and the publication process), I cannot predict when this creation will reach completion; however, please be assured that I am working on it very diligently so that I can share it with the world sooner than later.

I will be back soon and write here when I can. I still invite anyone with personal issues in need of psychotherapy services (online) to feel free to write in and talk with me privately. Just visit the home page of my website, DOCintheBiz, and write to me. I will never abandon any of my present clients here and always invite new ones.

All my best,

Dr. KC

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KC Kelly, Ph.D.

www.DOCintheBiz.com

I told my friend today that I went to the beach for a bit of introspection that I so desperately needed to try to clear my head. Yes, even doctors should have their own versions of “therapy” for cathartic cleansing. Despite all the life that was going on around me, I thought that perhaps it would be therapeutic to sit in front of the ocean. The sea; something so massive, so colossal, so immense and so beyond anything a human could ever construct, that it makes our woes seem so meaningless in the grand scheme of the almighty’s creation. It was amazing, actually, to feel so insignificant sitting there next to this immense piece of nature. It’s OK to feel unimportant by environmental forces working, but NOT by another’s human energy.

This is what my friend wrote back to me:

“KC, I’m glad you went to the beach. I do know how you felt there. It is like being in New York City walking amidst a thousand people all of whom seem like they are going somewhere and some seem like they are happy……but you are still alone. Being alone in big city or on the beach is like the Universe telling us we just don’t fit. But then I realized in NYC that it is all an illusion of kinetic activity. People running, car horns blowing, and beautiful couples appearing happy and in love. The appearance of things most often does not meet the reality. The people running might have no direction, the horns blowing are pretty rude, and the happy couples get to the restaurant and have nothing to say. That doesn’t mean happiness is not out there. But I think it is starts in here ————> ME<———— All of us have to find ourselves. When we finally do…..nothing out there trumps the joy inside. When we know who we are, we triumph.”

Wow, I thought! While I was trying to run away from being an existentialist, forces beyond my control were trying to keep me right where I needed to be.

I thought I did know who I am. I thought I did know who I was. I’ve always been on a personal journey to continuously study my own beliefs, thoughts, and feelings to better myself and make my life more rich and meaningful…so that ultimately, I can give to others.

I recently had a life changing experience where I stepped out of my comfort zone into unchartered waters and found myself willing to do whatever it took to continue on the journey towards this divine destination I wanted so badly. One that I KNEW was so right for me. When I realized that the journey had an ending, it devastated me and I fell back into the existential being that I was trying so desperately to escape. (NOTE: I didn’t realize it at the time, but this was in no way an ending, but only a beginning.) Don’t get me wrong, I believe very strongly in the theory of existentialism. To me, it is very real and very true and G-d keeps reminding me of this. Although I still find it a bit negative, I overlook that as not being the true intention. Anyone who knows me, knows I always fight to constantly stay positive. I cannot give up. I cannot give in. I cannot settle. I get down, I get lost, just like anyone else does; however, fighting out of that is essential towards any kind of growth.

So, this is what I learned: Perhaps I was not meant to steer away from existentialism. Don’t be afraid of this big word. It really can be explained quite simply. Existentialism teaches us to learn to develop the strength that we need to have in order to not fall apart when things don’t go as we planned or the way we wanted them to go. We have to constantly strive to find the life that will be all encompassing of everything we have always wanted or needed to be completely fulfilled. But does anyone truly climb to the top of Maslow’s hierarchy? If to know and love yourself means reaching true self-actualization and fulfillment, and very few reach this top of the pyramid, then what is the answer? I think it means that we need to realize that first love must be self love (as ultimately we must be able to count on only ourselves) and that makes it very important that I do not steer away from being existential. Dr. Viktor Frankl knew what he was talking about, believe me.

The bottom line is self esteem. Let’s all learn that lesson. Not arrogance, but feeling completely happy with yourself so that if anything or anyone tries to break your heart or your dreams, you can handle it and walk away from it intact. You can realize that life goes on and the grand loss wasn’t really as grand as you thought it was after all. Because if it was so great, it would still be yours and real and alive. Learn to trust yourself and then you can trust others. We are all works in progress, whether we want to admit it or not.

All the aforementioned lead me to understand is why it was so great to feel the power and force of G-d’s oceanic creation today, to bring me back to understand that greatness is indeed out there for me…for us! And although I hit a bump in my journey, my destination is still very much wide open and waiting for me when the time is right. I have absolutely ZERO doubt and 100% belief in reaching the finish line. And you should believe you can reach your finish line as well! It can be yours for the taking. It has to take you back though. And that is when you will know it is real and that it was meant for you. Just hold on…don’t give up…and believe.

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KC Kelly, Ph.D.
www.DOCintheBiz.com

Don’t allow fears to get in the way of what you were meant to do/be. I know that may sound easier said than done, but if you truly want to accomplish something, we have to believe that most of the battle is in having the proper attitude, saying the correct things to ourselves, helping ourselves to conquer our fears, surrounding ourselves with positive influences, and getting counseling for what physically/mentally ails us.

Please don’t just pass off these words, but sit back and think about them for a while. You are worth every bit of energy and work that it will take to make yourself happy and to make your life one of high quality. It’s all up to you and the decisions you make for yourself. My last article, “Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying” shares some of these thoughts.

No, don’t say, “But”, “I can’t”, “It’s impossible”, “It’s not realistic”. Because EVERYTHING is possible! Turn your “stinking thinking” around and begin to work with positive affirmation instead. “I can”, “I will”, “I’m worth every ounce of strength it takes to make my dreams and goals come true”.

Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying. I suggest the former. Please, just try. No more excuses. Turn dreams into goals, enjoy the journey, and never give up. Everything and everyone we come across in life is brought to us for a reason. Always believe…

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 by KC Kelly, Ph.D.

Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying?

“That which does not kill us, makes us stronger” – Friedrich Nietzche

“We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.” – Kenji Miyazawa

“We shall draw from the heart of suffering itself the means of inspiration and survival.” – Sir Winston Churchill

“Everything can be taken from a man but the last of the human freedoms to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” - Dr. Viktor E. Frankl

If you have ever entered into any realm of a philosophical discussion on any level or have ever entered into a philosophy section of a bookstore, you have heard these (or very similar) inspirational and motivational quotes. There’s not much of a way around that. In the world of psychology and philosophy, they are almost as universal as some of the slang terms lay people use everyday. The question is, how many people actually believe and live by these quotes?

Many live their lives on a daily basis hanging onto each and every syllable of these epistomologies, while others don’t understand a word, while still others desperately attempt to help those in need to live the words. The world is made up of diversity. That is what makes it interesting, fascinating and remarkable.

I have met many who have survived tragedy, outlived disease, found themselves face to face with the possibility of death through car/motorcycle accidents, witnessed the loss of life of others (sometimes graphically), observed suffering, lived suffering and they came out on the other side with new found love and appreciation for life. (Tragedy and suffering all used as relative terms as all experiences are indeed relative.) Their whole view of the world was drastically changed because of their extreme experience(s). The things that once bothered them, no longer do. What they once deemed of super importance is infinitesimal in comparison to the magnitude of what they feel life has to offer.

Many look at these people who believe this way with pure adulation and call them the warriors, the winners, the combatants, the true soldiers. Many have sycophantic and ingratiating feelings towards people like this. And all well deserved, as finding meaning is life and living life to its fullest is what most of us strive to do. “We can discover this meaning in life in three different ways: (1) by doing a deed; (2) by experiencing a value; and (3) by suffering.” – Dr. Viktor E. Frankl

Note: Please read Dr. Viktor E. Frankl- My Hero. As my readers know, I feel as obsequious about this man as I do any possible hero one could ever have. I have read his literary genius a multiplicity of times and discuss him here. We all have our heroes. Besides my mother, Viktor Frankl, the grand father of Existentialism is also one of mine.

So, getting back on track here, I often wonder how it feels to NOT be able to live by all these cliques and quotes that are meant to inspire and motivate and sometimes give a swift kick in the butt. They surround me on a daily basis and have become a part of my very being. But do I believe them all the time? I’d be a hypocrite and a liar if I said I did. I think this makes me human. I have questions just like you do. I have the same answers as you do too…more questions. I don’t believe our “warriors” are any different.

I suppose the most important question is this…Is it possible to reach a state of complete self actualization to where no matter what happens in your life, you can overcome it and live past it without regret, remorse, guilt or chronic pain? No, I don’t believe there is, but some of our “warriors” get awfully close. Perhaps they will speak to us here.

Don’t think I’ve forgotten about you… The ones who are not able to live the words; the quotes above. Who see these words as just a jumble of messy terms as they may attempt to read them through lamenting, weeping eyes. (At least you ARE reading them.) Those who don’t care if they live or die. The ones afraid of life. The ones scared to continue to breath, rather than fighting for each and every breath like our “warriors”.

I don’t forget you in the least, for I see you every single day. I am here for you and I write this article in hopes that the warriors from all over will come out and share their stories and experiences with us to help us understand something that may seem so foreign to us. I believe that everyone has felt disillusioned about life at least one time in their lives, but somehow they pulled out of it. You all are an inspiration to me. And I may not know you exist personally, but I know you’re there as I can feel you around me just when I need you. I can only hope you will come out and share with others YOUR way of knowing and exactly how it came to be that you became a “warrior”. Everyone can use an angel to help them (metaphorically) in their times of need. Even “warriors”.

Unfortunately, I find that we have a strong line of divide here. In my experiences of life, I have found that most people swing strongly to either one or the other side of the pendulum I am discussing here. Those, for example, who have battled breast cancer and won (one of my best friends) can’t possibly imagine why someone wouldn’t fight as hard as did she, to win the most intense battle she hopes to never experience again. Another gentleman, who endured the loss of his mother at a young age, took the attitude of embracing life and he lives as if everyday was his last.

Dearest “Warriors”: Can you understand? Can you understand why someone could not feel this way about life? How can a beautiful 65 year old mother who told me how she wept and screamed as she held the lifeless, limp body of the child she gave birth to 31 years prior NOT want to live any longer herself? How can the young gentleman who lives everyday with the memories of watching his father get shot in the head in front of him NOT want to live? What about the person who wants nothing to do with life and hasn’t any idea why?

Understanding those with completely different ways of thinking and knowing than the way we do, is often terribly difficult. It is our job as doctors, as counselors, as friends and as fellow humans to do our best to understand and teach those in need of help from OUR strength and belief in life. EVERYONE has something to offer.

“The meaning of our existence is not invented by ourselves, but rather detected.” – Dr. Viktor E. Frankl

Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying?

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by KC Kelly, Ph.D.

Afraid of Love? It’s OK… There’s a lot to it

Are you afraid to love? There are many healthy forms of love…This just happens to be one of my favorites:

I may as well have written these words myself. Many of you know them well…

– 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

 “Love is patient, love is kind.”

 Love recognizes that no one is perfect. Dumb things will be said and done, but NEVER with malicious intent and love understands this. Love never fights below the belt. Love never calls names, never hurts the other and never allows the other to feel pain for longer than the time it takes to realize the other IS feeling hurt.

 “It does not envy. It does not boast.”

Love is always proud of the others accomplishments. It does not wish it for itself or become jealous of it, but engages in the joy that is success and happiness in the eyes of the other. Love knows that no matter how much attention the other may get in their successes or every day lives, it only has eyes for that person. Love does not try to “up” the other. It only wants to compliment the other, as two powerful forces only form one untouchable bond.

 “It is not proud. It is not rude.”

 Love hasn’t any difficulty apologizing for upsetting the other, for doing something silly or out of character. It does not have an ego and is not afraid to give in to pride. It is able to speak from the soul and admit wrong-doing with sincerity and promise to try not to repeat the same mistake twice. Love knows how deeply words can cut, and it would never purposefully be cruel or say or do ANYTHING with malicious intent.

 “It is not self-seeking.” 

 Love is all giving. It is not co-dependent, but it shares in all joys, dreams and goals of the other as if they were its own. Love accepts the other person for EXACTLY who they are.

“It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.” 

Love understands its partner is human. It understands mistakes. Love understands what is truth about the other person. It never gives up. It never leaves you. It always joins your team, even if it doesn’t agree. It helps to make modify when both sides agree, but it NEVER attempts or tries to change the other. It loves BECAUSE of flaws, not despite them.

“It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves.”

 Love ALWAYS makes sure the other person feels safe, secure and loved in every aspect of the word. Love is two souls coming together as one…never to be severed…never to be torn apart….never to let a misunderstanding or even a fight separate the two souls that vowed love to each other in the first place. Love protects the others heart with every ounce of its being, no matter what, no matter when, no matter where. Love NEVER gives up on the other. It never threatens to leave the other. Love gives a sense of security that can transform the other and often aid the other to reach heights they never thought possible.

*********************************************************
Love is there for you…it WILL find you when you least expect it. Believe…
How do you define love?

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]]> http://docinthebiz.com/blog/afraid-to-love-its-okthere-is-a-lot-to-it/feed/ http://docinthebiz.com/blog/autism-a-case-example-of-hope/ http://docinthebiz.com/blog/autism-a-case-example-of-hope/#comments Sat, 25 Apr 2009 12:36:34 +0000 admin http://docinthebiz.com/blog/?p=96 SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: "Autism: A Case Example of Hope", url: "http://docinthebiz.com/blog/autism-a-case-example-of-hope/" });]]> by KC Kelly, Ph.D.

Autism: A Case Example of Hope

Alex’s (name has been changed to protect anonymity) mother sat across from me and cried into her hands. “I just don’t know what to do anymore,” she began. “From the moment he gets home from school, he races through the door and right to the couch in the living room where he throws all the pillows onto the floor and begins to run back and forth jumping all over both of the couches. I’ve tried everything to stop him, but he doesn’t even seem to realize that I’m there. He’s in his own world. He climbs on the wall unit, breaking things and one day it almost fell over on him! He will also throw tantrums by screaming and crying at the top of his lungs for hours and I don’t know what he wants!” She stopped talking and continued to cry.

Alex has autism. He is five (5) years old and falls into the lower end of what we call the Autism Spectrum. He does not talk, does not communicate, and exhibits aggressive behaviors such as hitting, biting, pulling hair and scratching when he does not get what he wants.

What is Autism?
The experts define autism, also called autism spectrum disorders (ASD) or autism spectrum conditions (ASC), as a spectrum of psychological brain developmental disorders characterized by widespread abnormalities of social interactions and communication, and often patterns of highly repetitive behavior(s). Just like with any child, or any person with a disorder, symptoms and behaviors can vary greatly amongst those with autism.

The Bad News:
There is no known cure for autism.

The Good News:
No matter how low functioning the child, autism IS treatable and a child with autism CAN grow, learn and change.

The Scenario:
Alex goes to school in an autistic class and follows a schedule throughout his day with his peers. He works with professionals in the field of autism, so his behaviors ARE controlled to some degree. This is a definite indicator that Alex CAN learn at home.

My Challenge:
To help Mom become an expert, not necessarily on autism, but on her son.

How We Started:
Firstly, Mom and I did a home make-over into a child-proof safety zone. Next, we talked for a while about what needed to be done to help change Alex’s behaviors at home. I explained to Mom what Alex needed: Routine, Consistency, and Repetition as I witnessed a complete absence of all three of these imperative factors for change in the home. Sound simple to do? Well, the idea is simple. The execution of the idea? Not so much.

1. Routine: An autistic child needs a steady, consistent and solid daily routine. They also need to know what the routine is in a very visible, clear and easy to understand way. If an autistic child does not have a daily routine, this could be the reasoning behind exacerbated acting out behavior(s). I made Alex a picture schedule including his entire day of activities from the moment he woke up in the morning until bedtime. Introducing the schedule to Alex was not easy, but with repetition he stopped testing us and it became routine. Now the test would be to see if Mom could enforce this consistently everyday.

Note: Schedules can be made using either use words or pictures depending on the academic level of the child. The schedule is usually made from small laminated cut outs containing the words or pictures, and with the use of velcro, are put upon a rectangular shaped piece of colored cardboard. (This is how I do it.) The activities of the day are all present and flipped over to show completion. A child should never start an activity without checking their schedule, and similarly, he/she should never end an activity with flipping the piece over and seeing what is next on the schedule.

2. Consistency: Never break the routine. I understand that “life happens” and we must leave room for flexibility; however, for the most part, the way a child is going to learn best is through consistency. The best way for an autistic child to learn is when they know what to expect. This also helps to reduce anxiety and increase reliability and a comfort level conducive to learning.

3. Repetition: An autistic child needs repetition. In order to learn, things must be done over and over and over again. It is important to have patience and if your child is not “getting it” right away, try not to get upset. Instead, take a deep breath and DO IT AGAIN. Repeat, repeat, repeat. And then praise.

Important: When introducing something new to an autistic child, you want to do so in a soft and gentle, yet firm manner. It may be very frustrating at times; however, use you must use repetition without losing patience. I promise you will be rewarded when manipulation ceases and learning begins. I also showed Mom how Alex learned that FIRST he will do a task and THEN he will get rewarded. I usually like rewarding with verbal praise or a small healthy snack. It all depends on to what the child responds best.

The Terrible Tantrums:
“Alex will SCREAM and cry for HOURS,” said Mom with exasperation. It was indeed a piercing scream that I witnessed myself on many occasions, and when I think of that noise today, my ears start to ring. I made pictures of basic needs, such as bathroom, hungry, thirsty, pain and demonstrated to Mom how to use these with Alex. If none of those things were bothering Alex, we knew he was attempting to manipulate Mom for attention or because he was upset that he didn’t get something that he wanted. Mom needed to stay consistent in not giving in to Alex’s tantrums no matter how heart breaking they were to watch. She needed to allow him to “cry it out” until he was willing to either communicate with us using his pictures or give up his manipulating tactic.

Remember: We need to never get upset at a child who has difficulty communicating, but help them the best we can to let us know what they want/need.

After working for approximately 6 weeks, 2x/week with Mom and Alex, Alex changed his behavior at home dramatically. It was a long road. It was a frustrating road. But it paid off. Now that I’m not there anymore in the home to help, I can only hope that Mom (and I DO understand how difficult it is) will remain consistent with Alex’s home routine and use repetition, patience, and love when teaching him new things.

If you are looking to get some specific questions answered about autism or to help you with an autistic child, whether the child is your own or a student of yours, please feel free to write to me at: www.DOCintheBiz.com. I would love to hear from you.

All my best,
KC Kelly, Ph.D.

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]]> http://docinthebiz.com/blog/autism-a-case-example-of-hope/feed/ http://docinthebiz.com/blog/lucky-or-unlucky-in-love/ http://docinthebiz.com/blog/lucky-or-unlucky-in-love/#comments Fri, 10 Apr 2009 17:10:18 +0000 admin http://docinthebiz.com/blog/?p=95 SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: "Lucky or Unlucky in Love?", url: "http://docinthebiz.com/blog/lucky-or-unlucky-in-love/" });]]> by KC Kelly, Ph.D.

Lucky or unlucky in love? Into which category do you fit? OMG…can it be any tougher or more confusing? Love that is. Whether you’re 16 or 40, heartache can hurt just as much. The game of love can be just as confusing. Feelings are all relative depending on what kind of person you are. I’m not writing this article to tell you the do’s and don’t of love or relationships, but to encourage you that if you haven’t found it yet and you want to, my suggestion is to keep patient and believe that it will happen for you. Stay positive, stay honest, stay real, treat others with the kind of respect that you want for yourself from them, and love will find you. Probably when you least expect it.

And whether you have found it or not, allow honesty, truth, and communication to be your keys to success. Being open (even if the truth hurts) is the best way to help Karma to be on your side when it comes to you finding love or to you keeping it once you have it. Some believe you get what you give and isn’t that what love is all about? So, if you’re interested in someone or not, or confused or hurt or happy, let the other person know. Take the chance. Because holding things in is not the way to be a healthy you. And you want someone to love you for YOU! Sound simple? Well, truthfully, it really can be just that simple.

All my best in luck and love.
Dr. KC
www.DOCintheBiz.com
www.GLCzone.com

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]]> http://docinthebiz.com/blog/lucky-or-unlucky-in-love/feed/ http://docinthebiz.com/blog/abusive-relationships-should-i-stay-or-should-i-go/ http://docinthebiz.com/blog/abusive-relationships-should-i-stay-or-should-i-go/#comments Sun, 11 Jan 2009 16:55:14 +0000 admin http://docinthebiz.com/blog/?p=94 SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: "Abusive Relationships: Should I Stay or Should I Go?", url: "http://docinthebiz.com/blog/abusive-relationships-should-i-stay-or-should-i-go/" });]]> by KC Kelly, Ph.D., LMHC

Questions and Answers by DOCintheBiz.

Question: I received an email from a woman who seems to be in an abusive relationship. She is very torn as she says she is in love with him, however, he can tend to be very harsh, angry, controlling and makes her cry way too often by putting her down or having anger outbursts directed at her. At times, she fears him. I have decided not to share the letter for confidentiality reasons; however, I have shared my response to her.

Answer: I would never tell you what to do. I can’t do that as no one has the answers but you. What I can share with you are some facts I have learned throughout my studies and through experiences working with many different people.

Personality traits don’t change. Controlling behavior does not stop. Abusive patterns are just that; patterns. They do not stop. You’ve seen it before…movies, wherever. Significant others may insult, demean, put down, curse, become belligerent, etc. and often this kind of behavior can become physical. Then, when the dust settles, they may cry, beg, plead, etc telling their partner that it will never happen again. But it does, almost every time.

Personality traits are embedded deep within a person’s genetic makeup. I know you say you want to try to understand him and the kind of behavior that he demonstrates; however, even the experts debate why people abuse. They debate nature vs. nurture as a child, but that’s not even the point here. The point is that he is the person that he is now as an adult, no matter how he got there, and you cannot change that. You shouldn’t have to change it.

The victim of the abusive behavior almost always feels as though they are at fault after they think about it for a while. Just as you said, you rethink the situation and end up blaming yourself. No, you’re not perfect, but you do not EVER deserve the treatment he gives you when he’s angry. There are many ways of fighting. His way is NOT an acceptable way. There are many ways to tell someone that you don’t care for something they are doing, saying, wearing, etc, but by overtly putting them down or yelling/cursing at them is NOT right.

I believe you when you say that your boyfriend can be a good guy, or you would not have fallen for him in the first place. I’m also sure that he does not mean to hurt you, but it’s just his way. He doesn’t know any differently. What he does seem to know; however, is exactly how to control you. He knows that when he cries or begs, it breaks your heart and you respond according to his plan. Again a pattern. You have to decide whether this is the kind of life you want for yourself. Whether or not you want to walk on egg shells, as they say, wondering how he will treat you each day.

The man who truly loves you wipes your tears away, he does not cause them.

All my best,
Dr. KC
www.DOCintheBiz.com

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]]> http://docinthebiz.com/blog/abusive-relationships-should-i-stay-or-should-i-go/feed/ http://docinthebiz.com/blog/behavior-labeling/ http://docinthebiz.com/blog/behavior-labeling/#comments Sun, 21 Dec 2008 17:16:45 +0000 admin http://docinthebiz.com/blog/?p=93 SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: "Behavior Labeling", url: "http://docinthebiz.com/blog/behavior-labeling/" });]]> by KC Kelly, Ph.D.

How many of you have children? How many of you work with children? I thought this was a very interesting view on the difference of behavior labeling for adults and children. Some may be a little severe and not always hold true in all cases, of course, but which ones do you agree with and why? Please share your experiences. I would love to have your input.

If an adult is reinforced for behaving appropriately, we call it recognition.
If a child is reinforced for behaving appropriately, we call it bribery.

If an adult laughs with friends, we call it socializing.
If a child laughs with friends, we call it misbehaving.

If an adult writes in a book, we call it doodling.
If a child writes in a book, we call it destroying property.

If an adult sticks to something, we call it perseverance.
If a child sticks to something, we call it stubbornness.

If an adult seeks out help for something, we call it counseling.
If a child seeks out help for something, we call it whining.

If an adult is not paying attention, we call it preoccupation.
If a child is not paying attention, we call it distractibility.

If an adult forgets something, we call it absent-minded.
If a child forgets something, we call it attention-deficit.

If an adult tells his side of a story, we call it clarification.
If a child tells his side of a story, we call it talking back.

If an adult raises his voice in anger, we call it maintaining control.
If a child raises his voice in anger we call it temper tantrum.

If an adult hits a child, we call it disciplining.
If a child hits another child, we call it fighting.

If an adult behaves in an unusual way we call him unique.
If a child behaves in an unusual way, we refer him for psychological evaluation.

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