Your partner starts telling you something about their day while you’re answering work emails on your phone, and you don’t look up.

Your child says, “Mom, come see,” for what feels like the tenth time that afternoon. You reply, “I’ll be there in a minute,” and then you forget.

A friend texts you a funny meme. You smile, think “I’ll reply later,” and then forget.

Your partner tries to start a conversation while you’re unwinding with your favorite reality show, and you respond, “Can we not talk right now? I just want to watch this.”

None of these moments seems particularly important on its own. But what if these seemingly insignificant interactions are actually some of the places where connection is built, or slowly lost?

Bids for Connection

In their research on relationships, Drs. John and Julie Gottman, who developed Gottman Method Couples Therapy, use the term “bid for connection” to describe the small ways we reach for another person’s attention, interest, affection, support, or engagement.

A bid might sound like, “Today was a lot,” or “Want to go for a walk?” It could be leaning over to show your partner something funny on your phone, reaching for their hand, or simply sitting down beside them.

Underneath these different bids is often a simple question: Will you meet me here?

Much of the Gottmans’ research focuses on romantic relationships, but this concept can help us think about connection in many of our important relationships, including those with our children, family members, and friends.

How Do We Respond to a Bid?

The Gottmans describe three general ways we respond to bids: we can turn toward, turn away, or turn against.
Imagine your partner comes home and says, “You won’t believe what happened at work today.”

Turning toward might look like putting down your phone and saying, “What happened?”

Turning away might be continuing to look at your phone while giving a distracted “Uh-huh.”

Turning against might sound like, “Can we not do this right now? I’ve had a long day too.”

The truth is, we all do all three.

Turning toward doesn’t mean stopping everything we’re doing every time someone reaches for us. Sometimes we genuinely don’t have the capacity to engage in that moment. Turning toward might simply mean acknowledging the bid: “I want to hear about it, but my brain is fried right now. Can we talk over dinner?”

Over time, turning toward these small bids helps build closeness and connection. The point isn’t to respond perfectly to every bid, but to notice these moments and create more opportunities to turn toward each other.

Most Disconnection Isn’t Intentional

Most of us aren’t intentionally trying to disconnect from the people we love. We’re tired, busy, distracted, stressed, or overwhelmed.

Sometimes when someone shares a problem, we jump in with solutions and miss the fact that they weren’t asking us to fix anything. They were simply asking us to witness their pain by listening.

Many of us become so accustomed to the people closest to us that we don’t recognize their attempts to connect anymore. Their bids start to become background noise.

As a counselor, I often hear people describe feeling disconnected without necessarily being able to pinpoint how they got there.

“We don’t really fight. We just don’t feel as close anymore.”
“I feel like we’re roommates.”
“Every time I try to talk, they seem annoyed.”

Sometimes disconnection isn’t the result of one enormous rupture. It can happen slowly, through small moments when we reach for each other and somehow keep missing.

And once that pattern has been happening for a while, simply recognizing it may not be enough to change it. One person may stop reaching because they’ve felt rejected too many times. Another may hear an attempt at connection as criticism or pressure. Hurt, resentment, or defensiveness can start getting in the way of the connection both people may actually want.

Get Curious About Your Own Relationships

Rather than judging yourself for the moments you’ve missed, try getting curious about them.

How do the people you love bid for your attention? What do their bids look like? When are you most likely to miss them?
And what about you? How do you bid for connection?

Maybe you ask your partner to watch a show with you, tell them about your day, show them something funny, or sit a little closer on the couch.

We don’t usually walk up to someone and say, “I’d like to feel connected to you right now.”
We make a bid. For the next few days, don’t worry about responding perfectly to every bid. Just start noticing them. Notice when someone reaches for you, and notice the ways you reach for them.

You may be surprised by how many of these tiny invitations happen throughout an ordinary day.
Strong relationships aren’t built only through vacations, date nights, big conversations, or grand gestures. They’re also built in ordinary moments when one person reaches out and the other person says, in some small way:

I’m here with you.

If stress, anxiety, overwhelm, or old patterns are making it harder to feel connected to the people who matter to you, therapy can offer a place to slow down and understand what’s happening underneath those interactions. For couples, it can also provide a space to recognize patterns that keep getting in the way and practice different ways of reaching for and responding to one another.

At Dr. Matt Morris & Associates, my colleagues and I work with individuals and couples navigating a wide range of personal and relationship challenges. If you’re considering therapy, I invite you to learn more about our team and find a clinician who feels like the right fit for you.

Written by Crystalyn Aucoin, PLPC, NCC

“Few of us ever live in the present. We are forever anticipating what is to come or remembering what has gone.”

― Louis L’Amour

If you’re like a lot of folks, you sometimes find yourself caught up in ruminations about the past or worries about the future. It’s natural, and not always inappropriate (if, for instance, you’re about to skydive for the first time, a little worry makes sense!). But when nagging thoughts of past events, or overwhelming worries about the future take over, they can leave us struggling to stay focused on the task at hand or even get through the day. Well-meaning friends and loved ones might try to help by saying, “That’s in the past, forget about it!” or “Stop worrying, what’s the worst that can happen?” While there might be an element of truth to these statements, I’d bet that if there was some switch in your brain you could flip to turn off the thoughts, you probably would have done it already.

It is possible, though, to gain control of these thoughts and allow yourself to live with more joy. Mindfulness is one way to help achieve this. The American Psychological Association defines mindfulness as “awareness of one’s internal states and

surroundings.” To put it simply, mindfulness is about being in the present moment, the only place and time you ever actually occupy anyway. Mindfulness begins from a place of self-compassion. Instead of judging your negative thoughts, mindfulness helps you understand them. For example, instead of anxiously imagining worst-case scenarios for a future work presentation, mindfulness can help you pause to wonder why these worries are present at all. Maybe they’re arising from a feeling of ill-preparedness. This awareness can lead you to remedy the negative feelings: a quick review of your talking points or another few minutes of rehearsal.

This practice is also useful in your relationship. Past hurts can often cause a rupture. Pausing to pay attention and gain “awareness of [your] internal states” can give you greater clarity on how the hurt is still affecting you and your partner.
While there are countless mindfulness practices, here are several to begin with:

1. Focusing on your breath: Simply pause what you are doing, perhaps close your eyes, and breathe. When thoughts come up, just gently turn your attention back to your breath, feeling the air move in and out of your nostrils or your mouth. Spend a minute or two doing this.
2. A mindful walk: Take a walk outside and focus on your steps. Feel the sensation of each foot pressing into the pavement, the rhythmic nature of your movement. In almost the same way as the breathing exercise, whenever thoughts arise, simply turn your attention back to your feet.
3. 5-4-3-2-1: This one is especially helpful if you find yourself distracted by negative thoughts. You simply set aside whatever you’re doing and acknowledge the following: 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste.

After spending a few minutes with one of these exercises, take note of what you’re feeling physically and emotionally. You might choose to write some thoughts down or just acknowledge what it feels like.

Mindfulness practices are a great way to reduce ruminations and worries, and to gain greater clarity about your feelings. If you’d like to explore any of this further to see how it can benefit you, therapy is a great place to do that. Give us a call and we can discuss how to get you started.

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As a therapist, I became fascinated by the way sexual desire impacts almost everyone and everything at one point or another. Desire can serve as a powerful window into our psyche, but it easily fractures relationships when misunderstood. Too often, a drop in desire is misinterpreted as a loss of attraction or interest. But desire is rarely that simple; so many aspects of ourselves, our lives, and our relationships influence its natural ebb and flow. This complexity is what inspired me to make it the heart of my research.

While my dissertation specifically examined women’s sexual desire, many of the core insights speak to broader questions about intimacy, self-connection, and what truly helps us cultivate a richer relationship with ourselves and the people we love. 

So… what actually helps us cultivate a meaningful and connected intimate life?

When couples experiencing desire discrepancies enter therapy, the lower-desire partner often feels that a lack of desire means something is “broken” or that they are failing their partner. Up to this point, many people have only received traditional advice that frequently treats desire like a simple biological reflex to be fixed—or worse, a duty to perform. Short of some sort of mental Viagra, how can we cultivate this desire?

My research examined three experiences that may help cultivate desire:

1. Sensual Embodiment: Nurturing the Self and the Body

Much of sex happens through nonverbal communication. While that can help you connect more deeply with yourself and your partner, it can also lead to self-surveillance and a disconnect from what actually brings comfort or pleasure. My research shows that desire thrives when we focus on sensual presence, but when our nervous systems stay on high alert, it shuts down the pathways that allow pleasure to flow.

True sensual embodiment involves getting lost in your own sensory experiences. Sustainable desire is built on finding comfort and safety within your own body, requiring ongoing attunement and compassionate care. Through that attunement, we are able to assess and meet our body’s needs and advocate for them. Whether it is listening to sleep and hunger cues or communicating to a partner about how to make intimacy more pleasurable or when something feels uncomfortable, this attunement and care helps restore bodily trust. 

2. The Art of Savoring: Expanding Our Experience of Pleasure

Desire can often feel like a random emotion that possesses you with no regard for your own will. But one interesting finding from my research is that desire is connected to our ability to stretch pleasure across time. This is where savoring comes in, the practice of intentionally noticing, appreciating, and prolonging pleasant experiences.

It is hard to desire something that you don’t find pleasurable in the first place, so the starting point is exploring your experience of pleasure throughout sensual or sexual moments.

Interestingly, most people with lower desire than their partner still have pleasurable sexual experiences when they happen, yet they continue to struggle to get in the mood beforehand. Due to stress, mental load, or prioritizing a partner’s satisfaction, we often subconsciously “dampen” or rush through pleasurable experiences. Do you fully feel mental, emotional, and physical pleasure throughout the entirety of a moment?

Uncovering where we experience these dampening effects offers crucial clues for building our capacity to savor. The act of savoring expands our pleasure across time—before, during, and after an event. While engaging in different types of savoring directly boosts overall well-being, relational savoring practices have a particularly profound impact on our intimate connections.

To combat emotional dampening, savoring invites us into three temporal dimensions:

• Anticipating future pleasure: like looking forward to a warm bath, a relaxing evening, or physical touch.
• Attuning to the present experience: slowing down to truly anchor into what you are feeling right now.
• Reminiscing about past pleasurable experiences: reflecting nostalgically on moments of joy.

A common pattern I see in long term couples is when physical touch begins to feel less comforting and more demanding. Your partner starts to cuddle you and all you feel is how tired you are; your body begins to stiffen because you don’t want to reject them, but you’re just not in the mood. Over time, many couples stop being physically affectionate altogether, sometimes giving up kissing or making out entirely unless it’s intended to initiate sex.

When you are able to uncouple physical affection from the expectation of sex, it frees you to savor the present moment. That present savoring deepens your connection, which in turn fuels reminiscing and future anticipation. Taking the pressure off the outcome also allows for touch to build natural anticipation which can help cultivate authentic desire. 

3. Before “Spicing Things Up,” Build a Safe Foundation for Curiosity & Exploration 

Popular relationship advice loves to prescribe novelty as a quick fix for low desire. But in my clinical work and research, I’ve seen that you cannot force curiosity or playfulness when you feel guarded, overwhelmed, or emotionally disconnected.  

For genuine desire to unfold, there needs to be a safety prerequisite. Exploration requires the courage to be vulnerable—to share your internal world and attune to your partner’s changing landscape. When emotional safety is established, you move away from performance pressure and move toward deep, mutual presence. Gaining confidence in your ability to successfully attune to each other helps navigate the relationship in a way that makes your emotional and sexual experiences feel more pleasurable, allowing passion and desire to grow. 

Throughout this research, I found myself returning to one central idea: perhaps desire isn’t something we “lose” at all. Perhaps it is something we cultivate by learning to reconnect with our bodies, protect our capacity for pleasure, and remain curious about ourselves, our partners, and the life we’re creating together.

“Discernment counseling creates a holding environment for the couple to develop clarity and confidence in deciding on the next step for their relationship, whether it is divorce or a shared commitment to couples therapy to repair the relationship.”

– William Doherty and Steven Harris, Helping Couples on the Brink of Divorce

Couples come to therapy for all sorts of reasons ranging from intimacy issues, navigating separation and divorce, a desire to gain better communication skills, and much more. But what if you aren’t sure if you or your partner can sustain a relationship together, or whether therapy would even be useful? This is where discernment counseling might be helpful, and it may be something you didn’t even know existed!

For many couples there is ambivalence with one or both partners about whether to continue in the relationship, and sometimes there is a difference in the hopes and desires of each partner. We call these mixed-agenda couples. Maybe you have been thinking about divorce for several months, but your partner wants to try to work it out. Maybe it seems like your partner is already out the door even though you want to try therapy, but getting them to come seems impossible. Discernment counseling exists for exactly these types of situations.

Discernment counseling is a brief one to five session process with the goal of deciding whether traditional couples therapy would be a useful and desired next step. Put simply, “discernment counseling creates a holding environment for the couple to develop clarity and confidence in deciding on the next step for their relationship, whether it is divorce or a shared commitment to couples therapy to repair the relationship.” In discernment counseling, we are not yet helping you solve your relationship problems, but helping you decide whether repairing your relationship is something you desire and are able to do. This can be freeing for many couples where it seems the choice to either remain together and work on the relationship on the one hand, or to separate and end the relationship on the other, feels too big to make so quickly.

Your therapist will help you decide between one of three possible paths by the end of the process:

1. Keep the status quo with your relationship remaining as it is, neither divorce nor working in therapy to improve your relationship
2. Separation or divorce
3. A 6-month commitment to couples therapy with divorce off the table and with the possibility of putting divorce back on the table at the end of the 6 months.

The process is highly structured and intentionally facilitated, with no commitment required beyond the next scheduled session.

Each session involves a balance of time with both partners together in session and individual time with the therapist. These conversations will help you decide whether you would like to commit to couples therapy and find ways to communicate your preferred path to your partner. While the goal will not be to find solutions for your relationship, conversations will involve reflection on your contribution to the current state of the relationship. If Path 3 is chosen (commitment to therapy), these insights become the foundation for discovering possible repair in the relationship. If Path 2 is chosen (separation or divorce), the same insights will help each partner navigate moving forward in the least painful way possible. At the end of each session, a decision is made about whether to schedule another session, up to five possible sessions. Once clarity is reached about the next steps in your relationship, your therapist can help you navigate those choices.

The decision to begin therapy and repair your relationship or to end your relationship is one you don’t have to make alone. If discernment counseling seems like a good fit for your situation, schedule a consultation call with one of our therapists and we will be glad to help you decide.

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True gratitude is a mindset, an attitude, as well as a practice of living with a deep appreciation for the goodness in life. A grateful person recognizes that positive things come from sources outside of themselves, whether it be other people, nature, or a higher power. This appreciative mindset acknowledges life’s gifts, connects us to others and cultivates deeper happiness and contentment, making life richer. This very sense of acknowledging something gratifying is truly life enhancing.

How has gratitude evolved? Researchers have traced this emotion way back to primate behavior. Robert Trivers introduced the theory of reciprocal altruism in 1971, suggesting that “gratitude is the emotion that regulates our response to altruistic acts by others and motivates our response in kind”. In this way, gratitude helps build social bonds and friendships between individuals.

An article in Wellness Wisdom in 2024 explores how expressing appreciation, with consistent practice, can lead to lasting changes in mental health and overall wellbeing. By strengthening the brain’s connection to positive emotions, gratitude acts as a natural antidote to stress and anxiety. When we express gratitude, we acknowledge the positive aspects of our lives which helps foster a positive mindset and encourages positive thinking. This results in a more uplifted outlook and improvement in our mental and physical health. Concentrating on positive emotions reduces symptoms of anxiety and depression while reducing toxic emotions like resentment, envy, and regret. Gratitude practices such as journaling or writing gratitude letters have been shown to lower stress hormone levels and increase dopamine and serotonin, the brain’s feel-good chemicals. This boosts our mood and helps us manage stress more effectively. Relaxation is enhanced, as well as our quality of sleep. According to the aforementioned article, “People who practice gratitude are often more empathetic and compassionate, which helps build stronger, more positive relationships and enhanced social connections.”

For many many years, above my office desk was the following quote by Cicero (106-43 B.C.): “Gratitude is considered as the greatest virtue and the mother of all other remaining virtues.” As we can see, research has backed up this statement very well. What I have come to realize in connection to feeling grateful is that it drives us to pass that goodness on to others.

On a personal note, I had the good fortune of being taught gratitude from a very young age. If a greeting card or a gift arrived, great detail was described as to the effort put forth for that transaction. Gratefulness seemed to become a common and frequent conversation in our home. Thank you notes were mandatory and proofread, and the words “thank you” were generously spoken. This evolution of gratitude developed and continued to evolve throughout my life, and its presence is currently very much alive. I find such inspiration in this mindset.

Do you want to discuss your current attitude and your practice of gratitude? Come see me; I would love to meet!

“Confidence is the deep sense that you can handle the emotional outcome of whatever you face and whatever you pursue.”

– Dr. Joan Rosenberg, 90 Seconds to a Life You Love

Psychologist Dr. Joan Rosenberg has spent her career researching the impact of human emotion on daily life. She has developed a set of very simple techniques to deal with the uncomfortable situations life throws at us. But it’s the insight behind her method that is so powerful. She writes that when we face difficult situations such as the death of a loved one, a fear of giving a public presentation, or the anxiety leading up to a difficult conversation, it is simply the physical sensation and discomfort that often drives our behavior, usually in the form of avoidance. It’s the queasiness in the pit of your stomach when you feel nervous, the hot rush of blood to your head when you feel embarrassed, the tightness in your chest when you’re angry with your spouse.

“This is the key and worthy of repeating,” she writes: “What we feel emotionally is often experienced first in the body as a physical sensation.

Simply put, unpleasant emotions don’t physically feel good in our bodies.” These sensations leave us wanting to exit stage left to hide in a closet or lash out instead of continuing to feel the pressure from the anger and rage. Through her research, Dr. Rosenberg has found that the uncomfortable physical sensations that arise in these moments, if we allow ourselves to pause and feel them, only last about 90 seconds (sometimes less). The biochemicals that flood your brain and body have a brief lifespan, and if we can learn to pause and allow them to run their course, we can develop a greater sense of confidence to handle life’s challenges with poise and strength.

Here’s how it works, a simple practice known as the Rosenberg Reset involving “one choice, eight feelings, 90 seconds.”

1. Make the decision to allow yourself to fully feel your feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations. It is about choosing awareness, not avoidance, as the way you approach your life.
2. Notice what unpleasant feeling has surfaced. Rosenberg has found that most experiences boil down to one of eight different feelings (though you may use different words to describe them): sadness, shame, helplessness, anger, embarrassment, disappointment, frustration, and vulnerability.
3. Simply “ride the waves” of the emotion for 90 seconds, notice what it feels like, lean into it rather than avoid the discomfort. When the intensity subsides, move forward to tackle the challenge ahead.

That’s it. It might not be easy at first, but it’s simple and will become easier the more you do it. And with the exception of trauma, this practice can be applied to most circumstances in life.

If you’d like to explore this practice more in depth, or learn other strategies for conquering a difficult circumstance in your life, we would be delighted to begin that work with you.

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The holidays are framed as a season of joy and togetherness, but for many of us, they also bring stress, grief, and emotional overload. When you’re the one planning, cooking, coordinating schedules, wrapping gifts, and managing everyone’s emotional temperature, the weight of it can feel… heavy. Sometimes the magic we work so hard to create gets snuffed out by the effort required to keep it alive.

When holiday magic starts to feel not-so-magical, it’s time to pause and re-evaluate. For adults, the magic of the holidays often comes from the way a community of people can come together to create something special, something that feels bigger than themselves, yet also reconnects us back to ourselves. However, it’s hard to savor that shared joy when you’re carrying the whole season. To find it again, we have to slow down and ask: How can we create a holiday that feels meaningful?

The Soul of the Magic: Kin Keeping

Kin keepers are the ones who hold the threads of the family together — the rememberers, the organizers, the ritual-makers. Kin keeping quietly sustains connection, tradition, community, and shared meaning.

As the kin-keeper, you bake the cookies, decorate the tree, choose the gifts, and create the atmosphere people remember for years. It’s meaningful work, but it can also be exhausting — especially if you’re the only one keeping the kin together, keeping the magic alive.

When we ask ourselves the “why” behind these traditions, we often discover they come from a place of love and connection.

• The cookies remind us of Grandma’s kitchen.
• The ornaments carry stories of past holidays.
• The decorations allow our home to be an escape, suspended from reality.
• The dinner table brings everyone together.
• The lights outside spill magic into the street, sparking connection with neighbors and new friends.

Reconnecting to the “why” can shift a holiday checklist into a meaningful way to nurture joy, which is critical in our overly connected yet increasingly disconnected world. Asking loved ones what traditions mean to them can involve them in a way that eases the burden and turns solo labor into shared magic.

Why Traditions Matter (and How to Let Go of Rigidity)

Traditions anchor us — to family, culture, spirituality, memory, and identity. But when we become rigid about how things are “supposed” to be, the meaning can get lost.

Take a moment to reflect:

• Why do I love this tradition (ritual, decoration, event, etc.)?
• What magic does it bring to me?
• What emotion does it evoke in me?

Understanding the “why” gives us room to adapt. Maybe holiday cards feel impossible this year, but you love sending and receiving them for the memories they capture. Instead of abandoning it and diminishing one of the traditions that is magical to you magical tradition to you (and inviting resentment later), reshape it this year: send New Year cards, Valentine’s cards, or make it a shared project so the decision-making isn’t all on you.

If certain traditions evoke grief, tension, or reminders of religious or family trauma, create new ones. Explore what you want to feel and build seasonal rituals that reflect your values and your current life. Traditions don’t have to be inherited, they can be designed.

Connection through Conversations

If you’re the one “making the magic,” it’s easy to feel like the holidays rest entirely on your shoulders, but have you asked your partner or family what actually feels magical to them?

This is a chance for you to connect with loved ones, share memories and learn about each other. Make sure to share what is magical for you and open the door for others to join in. Doing this starts a conversation of connection and shared ownership that allows everyone to create the magic together and participate in what makes certain traditions meaningful to one other. Be careful not to minimize each other’s joy or your own by thinking they’re “silly”, “extra,” or “too fussy.” Be realistic so you don’t over extend yourselves, but don’t minimize.

This applies to kids too! Asking them about their favorite holiday memories might surprise you and spark ideas for creating magic together.

Creating New Traditions

Life will shift. Marriages begin and end, families blend, people move, and loved ones pass away. Traditions can shift with us, here are some gentle places to start:

• Cultural Exploration: Try new foods or customs, especially if you’re in a new place, incorporate their traditions into your own.
• Memory Jar: Collect memories all year and read them together during that quiet space between Christmas and New Year’s.
• Ornament Exchange: Each family member can create or buy an ornament to share and hang together. I started this tradition in college, and my tree now has some hilarious and sentimental ornaments (some tucked toward the back) each with its own story.
• Decorate Together: Don’t decorate alone. Decorate with a friend, then help decorate their home too. Let the decorating be the celebration, not the work.

New traditions can honor where you’ve been while making space for where you are now.

Flexibility Makes Space for Joy

When we understand why traditions matter, we can let go of the parts that are stripping the magic away. If the budget is tight, simplify. If the calendar is suffocating, scale back. Remember, traditions aren’t fragile, they can bend and reshape without breaking.

Tuning in to the meaning and emotion underneath a ritual can guide you in what stays, what needs adapting, and what needs to be let go. Knowing the meaning and emotion underneath the tradition, allows you to remove or reshape the excess when necessary.

Rekindling the Magic

This year, give yourself permission to make the holidays meaningful for you. When we tap into what feels special and joyful, that joy becomes contagious. Invite neighbors, friends, kids, and partners into the magic, inviting them to create a meaningful holiday of their own.

If all of this feels overwhelming, start small. Instead of overhauling traditions, just observe. Notice the rituals you’re upholding and reflect on how they make you feel and why they matter.

Document your reflections if you’d like. Something I frequently do is record quick videos to my future self — what worked, what didn’t, and what I felt I could change for next time. What started as a way to easily document recipe changes and timelines became a sweet and practical way to capture the season. If videos aren’t your thing, maybe jotting it down in a journal or making a voice note will work better for you, what matters is that you are able to come back to it.

The holidays don’t have to be perfect to be magical. Chaos and conflict aren’t the enemies of connection, they’re invitations to connect more deeply with ourselves and our loved ones. The real magic lives in the laughter, the connection, the memories being made, and the shared chaos. By staying true to what brings you joy and inviting people into the chaos, you won’t just keep the magic alive, you’ll make it your own.

Have a wonderful, meaningful holiday season and a happy new year.