Are you looking for some simple ways to add romance to your Valentine’s Day celebration?

Tonight is an opportunity to slow things down and get romantic with your partner.  Below are some tips for adding romance and passion to your Valentine’s Day celebration that won’t break the bank. Pick one or two items on the list and you’re guaranteed to have a memorable night!

Romance on a Budget:

- Light candles – Candles can completely change the atmosphere.  They can shift the mood in your home from bright and every day to sexy, luminous, and romantic.  Buy a pack of small tea lights from the drug store or dig up any candles you have around the house and put them everywhere, make your home glow tonight!

- Music – Music is an extremely powerful tool for setting a romantic mood.  Go through your iTunes library and make a playlist of all the romantic songs you and your honey enjoy.  Set the playlist to repeat, so you don’t have to worry about the music ending, enjoy a slow dance or two together and allow the music to take you away!

- Rose Petals – Rose petals will definitely up the romance quotient tonight.  They are soft, romantic, and add a flare of passion!  Rose petals can be purchased at your local grocery store for about $5 per bag (you only need one bag). Sprinkle them around the house, on your bed, on the dinner table, in the bathtub, anywhere you plan on enjoying each other tonight…

- Champagne and Strawberries – Again, simple items that scream romance and that can be purchased at your local grocery store.  You don’t have to go crazy and buy the most expensive bottle of champagne or the $6/lb chocolate covered strawberries, just buy the variation you can afford and enjoy them tonight with your Valentine.  Feed them to each other, enjoy them as a dessert after dinner, eat or drink them off of each other… you get the point.

- Massage Oil – We are all extremely busy today and most of us have a difficult time carving out time for a massage.  Surprise your Valentine tonight with a romantic massage.  Light those candles, put on your romantic playlist, sprinkle the bed with rose petals and give them a massage.  Buy some massage oil from Aveda or any beauty supply store in your area and help your Valentine relax, they’ll love you for it!

- Card – Valentine’s Day cards are a meaningful way to send a romantic message to your Valentine.  Purchase a card that has a genuine message in it and then personalize it.  Write them a message that expresses how much they mean to you, the things you appreciate about them, and how much you’re looking forwarding to enjoying life together.

- Flower – Yes, that is flower, singular, not flowerS.  One single flower can be just as meaningful and romantic as a full bouquet of roses.  If you don’t want to spend the $50-60+ on flowers today, just buy your Valentine a single rose or one of their their favorite flowers, it will mean just as much to them.

- Lingerie – Again, this doesn’t have to be expensive.  Go through your lingerie drawer and put on your sexiest black bra and undies or mix and match the sexiest items you have.  Your Valentine won’t care if they’ve seen the items before or if what your wearing is red or matches, they’ll just be excited that you put effort into wearing something special for them.

The secret to a great Valentine’s Day is to put forth effort.  Show your partner you care by creating ambiance and a romantic setting that will ignite passion and desire.

Looking to have a memorable Valentine’s Day tomorrow?

Read my Do’s and Don’ts for Couples and Singles…

SINGLE THIS YEAR?

• Don’t sit home and feel sorry for yourself
• Do call up some friends and plan a fun night together
• Don’t call an ex because you’re feeling lonely
• Do get out, mix and mingle, meet new people, and have fun
• Don’t attribute your single status to being unlovable or not good enough
• Do begin to identify exactly the type of relationship you would like to have (detail it out)
• Don’t eat away your sadness with sweets and rich food, you’ll only feel worse the next day
• Do get your endorphins pumping by going for a walk, exercising, dancing, or laughing with friends
• Do remember that things can change, you can find love, and Valentine’s Day is only 1 day!

ATTACHED?

• Do talk to your partner in advance about your expectations for the evening
• Don’t hold your partner solely responsible for making the night romantic
• Do think about what you can do to make your partner feel loved
• Don’t go into debt planning an amazing evening
• Do plan something special within your budget (cook dinner at home, watch the sunset, have drinks during happy hour, throw some rose petals on the bed and stay in your room with some great music playing, etc)
• Do consider your partner and what they enjoy and find a way to make the evening special for them
• Do focus on the positive aspects of your relationship and thank your partner for what they add to your life
• Don’t get caught up in what other people are doing or receiving, focus on your relationship
• Do make love! This is an important aspect of a keeping a relationship strong.
• Don’t underestimate the power of a card, words can say a lot
• Do remember Valentine’s Day is only 1 day! You can and should show love daily.

Tune in tomorrow for last minute tips for making the night romantic…

Do you feel the love in the air?

Or are you dreading February 14th?

Valentine’s Day is almost here and since this isn’t everyone’s favorite holiday, I want to give you some simple tips that will help you not only survive Valentine’s Day, but actually enjoy it!

The video below is filled with Valentine’s Day Do’s and Don’ts.  Whether you’re single or attached this year, it is possible to L*O*V*E this February 14th…

If you liked the information in this video, please share it with your friends below and don’t forget to “Like” my Facebook page…

Modern technology allows us to stay connected to our loved ones throughout the day.  Anywhere, anytime we now have the ability to communicate, share, and update instantly through devices and programs like smart phones, iPads, text messaging, email, instant messaging, Skype, Facebook, Twitter, Four Square, and so on.  No matter where we are in the world or what time it is, we can always find a way to make a call, email a picture, or share our thoughts.  We are visible, accessible, and easily located.

As wonderful as this can and should be in maintaining a strong connection with your partner, advances in technology have also contributed to a new series of relationship problems.  For example, couples today often argue via text, experience miscommunications via email, and become jealous and insecure in their relationship because of Facebook.  Technology has allowed people access into the lives of their partner, but sometimes that access is misused.

In order to utilize technology in a way that will truly benefit your marriage, rather than tear it apart, you must have some guidelines.  Remember that checking in with your honey, sending a loving text, or emailing a cute pic of you is always a good thing, but crossing over to the “dark side” or misusing technology in your relationship can eventually tear the two of you apart.

Helpful Technology Guidelines to Follow:

1. DO NOT fight via text, email, instant chat or any other variation.  Arguments are difficult enough to work through in person.  Words can be misinterpreted and misconstrued when written, so save your feelings for a face to face or “ear to ear” conversation.

2. DO send a loving text letting your honey know that you’re thinking about them.  We all feel good when someone takes time out of their day to send us a thoughtful message, so make an effort to do this more in your relationship.

3. DO NOT engage with an ex via Facebook or Twitter if it makes your spouse uncomfortable.  If you find yourself spending a lot of time on social media chatting with someone other than your spouse, it’s time to examine your relationship.  Your spouse is the person you should turn to.  If you’re looking for support, comfort or advice outside of your marriage, it may be time to seek out professional support.

4. DO share pictures of you and your spouse on social media.  Let the world know the good things going on in your life and the positive aspects of your relationship!

5. DO call your spouse during the day to ask how they’re doing.  Show them you care by making that extra effort.  Follow up on the big meeting they were stressing about, ask them to meet you for lunch, or tell them you can’t wait to kiss them when they get home.

6. DO NOT call your spouse to verbally attack them and then hang up.  If you need to have a conversation with your spouse, be prepared to stay engaged and stay on the call.  Hanging up on one another is destructive.

7. DO respond to your spouse when they reach out.  Reciprocation is important in a marriage, so text, email or call and let them know you appreciate their effort.

8. DO NOT cyber-stalk your spouse.  Trust is important in any relationship, so if you’re feeling insecure or worried about infidelity talk to your spouse rather than spying.

9. DO comment on and pay attention to what your spouse shares via social media.  Being actively involved in your partner’s life will keep your relationship strong.  Hitting that “Like” button will go a long way.

10. DO remember to carve out time for face to face conversations, so that you can share, update, and chat in person.  Technology is great for quick updates and support, but nothing beats a face to face conversation.

Do you ever wonder if you’re in an unhealthy relationship?

This is a common concern that I address with many clients in my private practice.  Often successful, vibrant, interesting men and women report feeling unhappy in their relationship and worried that things have taken a turn for the worse.  They share that they don’t feel like themselves anymore, doubt their ability to make decisions, and report an ongoing feeling of anxiety (like walking on eggshells).

Unfortunately too many people in this situation ignore their feelings or are unaware of what these feelings mean.  Bright, competent individuals get caught up in the dynamics of their relationship and fail to see the toxic cycle they’re stuck in.  Hoping things will get better they cling to their partner, make excuses for bad behavior, and blame themselves for an argument gone bad.  Over time denial of personal needs and ongoing doubt leads to low self-confidence, poor judgment, over dependency on the partner, a belief that one is unlovable or defective, and a fear of being alone.

If you find yourself questioning the quality of your relationship, it’s time to pay attention to and learn about the signs of emotional abuse.  Below is a list of common red flags present in unhealthy, emotionally abusive relationships.  Review the list below and if it sounds familiar or makes you uncomfortable with your relationship, it’s time to get help.

Remember that you are not causing the dysfunction and you do not deserve to be controlled, condemned, made to feel guilty, or uncomfortable.  Your relationship should lift you up and make you feel better about yourself.  A healthy relationship is all about support, security, and safety.  Not walking on eggshells and withdrawing from people and activities you love.

It is possible to change this pattern and seeking the support of a professional is your best first step.

RED FLAGS:

- Do you experience extreme highs and lows in your relationship?  One minute you feel close and believe that things are going well and then all of a sudden you’re in an intense argument.

- Does your partner belittle, insult, ignore you, or pout in order to get their way?

- Are they jealous for no reason or make false accusations? Do they look through your phone and emails or question you when you go out with friends or family? Do they try to control who you spend time with, sabotage your relationships, don’t want you to have friends of the opposite sex, and insist on always being with you?

- Do you feel like you have to walk on eggshells or are on pins and needles in order to avoid setting them off?

- When they drink or use drugs, does it seem excessive?

- Do they try to control you or aspects of the relationship (i.e. what you wear, who you spend time with, when you should arrive home, etc)?

- Do they invade your personal space or make you feel uncomfortable physically (i.e. do they talk over you or
as if they know everything, sit overly close to you, touch or grab you in an effort control your behaviors, etc)?

- Do they act as if they’re superior or put you down?  Does this make you feel like less of an equal?

- Do you find yourself doubting your judgment and relying on your partner to help you make decisions?

- Do they have a lot of financial problems and rely on you in some way financially?

- Have you begun to change who you are or how you act in order to please them or in an attempt to avoid a fight?

- Do you find yourself making excuses for their behaviors or hiding the truth from friends and family?

- Have you let go of important friendships or stopped engaging in activities that you used to enjoy?

If you have questions or concerns, or need help finding help in your area, please feel free to contact me.

The first impression you leave on a first date is important.  Some people just have a natural ability to just let their positive traits shine through, while others will do whatever it takes to get noticed.

After watching the women of The Bachelor meet “Bachelor Ben” last night, I thought it would be helpful to highlight some important first date Do’s and Don’ts.

Keep these Dating Do’s and Don’ts in mind the next time you’re on a first date:

- Do make eye contact, smile, and lean in towards him

- Don’t share all your dirty laundry the first time you meet him

- Do let your genuine personality shine through

- Don’t feel the need to write a poem, song, or quote him in order to catch his attention

- Do pay attention to your appearance and take pride in yourself

- Don’t wear something that leaves little to the imagination

- Do ask him about himself and genuinely listen to what he has to say

- Don’t ask him a question and then immediately start talking

- Do get to know what he is looking for in a partner

- Don’t give him your personal dating checklist

- Do allow yourself to be vulnerable

- Don’t spend all night crying or putting yourself down

- Do let him know you’re interested

- Don’t kiss him after you’ve just introduced yourself

- Do compliment him and let him know he looks good

- Don’t tell him that you’re personal psychic told you that you’re meant to be together

- Do accept his offer for a second date if you’re interested

- Don’t say yes because you feel like you should

- Don’t break down crying if he isn’t interested in you.  Trust that there is someone out there who will love you and know that if he can’t see the sparkle in you, then he isn’t the right one for you!

Stay tuned next week for another set of Dating Do’s and Don’ts inspired by The Bachelor.

Would you like to improve your relationship in 2012?

Read my Top 10 Relationship Tips below and resolve to improve your love life in the New Year!

1. Identify specifically what to change in your relationship.  For example, would you like to treat each other better everyday, decrease the fighting, feel more connected, share more with each other, travel together, communicate more, etc.  Knowing exactly what you would like to improve in your relationship will help you make those changes a reality in the New Year.

2. Communicate your needs.  Knowing what you want out of your relationship in the New Year is important, but you must also learn how to share these needs and wants with your partner.  Find time over the next few days to communicate your 2012 needs and identify steps the two of you can take to achieve these goals as a couple.

3. Praise your partner more often.  I know I say this all the time, but it is so, so important.  It’s extremely easy for us to focus on the things our partner doesn’t do or the things they do wrong, but this can become toxic in a relationship.  Learning to praise and acknowledge your partner for what they do do or what they’ve done right  and what you appreciate will increase the likelihood of that behavior happening in the future and will make them feel more secure in the relationship and more connected to you.  Make this a habit in 2012!

4. Be aware of your role in the relationship.  Again, it is very easy to focus on the things our partner is “doing wrong” in our relationship.  Almost daily I hear couples say things like, “If he only did x, y, z, we’d have a great marriage” or “If she could stop doing a, b, c, then we’d be fine,” but that is not the case.  Both partners contribute to the overall quality of the relationship and the sooner you learn to to acknowledge your role in your marital unhappiness or dissatisfaction, the sooner you can begin taking steps to improve yourself and your marriage.

5. Identify joint life goals.  Early in a relationship it’s common for couples to daydream together.  During the infatuation phase, many couples spend time fantasizing about the life they hope to build together or imagining what life will look like once they’re married.  As life progresses, however, this behavior often stops.  Couples become busy with day to day life and don’t take the time to daydream, fantasize, or plan together.  This isn’t a good thing.  We all must keep these behaviors alive.  Couples who are able to daydream, fantasize, and plan together are more connected, more aware of their partner’s hopes for life, and tend to be on the same page when it comes to decision making.  If this has fallen off in your marriage, resolve to begin daydreaming together about the life your building in the New Year.

6. Make time for yourself.  We cannot be fully present, available, loving, or thoughtful if we are not grounded, healthy, and balanced.  This tends to be a problem for many multitasking men and women today.  The pressures of work, family life, friends, and home life can cause a great deal of stress and overwhelm.  However, if we continue to go, go, go and push ourselves until we drop, we’ll end up suffering from serious medical and mental health illnesses, which will impair our quality of life and our relationships.  To avoid this from happening, it is critical that you make regular exercise, healthy eating, consistent down time, meditation, and stress relief a priority in your daily life in 2012.

7. Increase quality time together.  This is a simple idea that I tend to preach a lot.  Everyone must get in the habit of turning off their cell phones, laptops, iPads, and TV on a regular basis.  We are a society that is becoming overly addicted to being “plugged in,” but it’s killing the quality of our relationships.  In order to maintain a healthy love life, continue to grow as a couple, and remain bonded to family and friends, you must learn how and when to unplug from your gadgets and “plug in” to your partner and loved ones.

8. Make sex a priority.  Again, another favorite of mine.  Are you noticing a trend?  Sex is a unique and special way of bonding with the person we love.  But too often I hear couples say that busy schedules, children, work deadlines and so on get in the way of regular love making.  It’s so important for you to put weekly sex at the top of your priority list in 2012.  This will not only improve your relationship and connection to your partner, but will decrease your stress, improve your heart health, boost your mood, and increase your energy!

9. Strengthen your relationships with other healthy couples.  Spending time with other couples who put marriage and family life first will help keep you and your honey connected.  The people we surround ourselves with definitely influence our behaviors, thoughts, and actions, so make an effort to surround yourself with and spend time with people who are aligned with your core values and people that will help you achieve your personal and relationship goals in 2012.

10. Play, laugh, cuddle, and enjoy.  This is the fun part of being in a relationship and should be simple, right?  Once upon a time the two of you had a lot of fun together.  You enjoyed life, laughed, shared, and felt connected.  You didn’t get married so that you could argue, fight, and feel frustrated all the time.  Marriage is one of the most intimate relationships we can have and should be a source of strength, support, and comfort.  If you’ve lost sight of the good aspects in your relationship and aren’t playing, laughing, cuddling or enjoying, you’re missing out on one life’s great pleasures.  Turn this around in the New Year.

“We want to learn how to stop fighting,” Diana told me during her first session with her new husband Tim.  After just 8 months of marriage, Diana and Tim entered marriage counseling.  Although they loved each other very much, they had begun fighting more regularly and were feeling increasingly insecure and unsure about their relationship.  In other words, they worried that they had made a mistake marrying one another.

During their first session Diana and Tim shared details about their arguments.  They reported that most of the time they were unable to resolve conflict and ended up fighting for days.  Instead of hearing one another and working towards healing, they often fought until they were exhausted and both felt hurt, disappointed, frustrated, and helpless.

Diana and Tim shared that the frequency and intensity of their arguments had increased over the past few months and they both feared that the marriage wouldn’t last.  Diana believed that the only solution was to go to counseling to learn how to “stop fighting” and convinced Tim to join her.

This pattern is unfortunately extremely common for many couples.  Uncertain how to resolve conflicts, couples go round and round trying to get their point across only to end up feeling alone, disappointed, and helpless.  Most couples, like Diana and Tim, think that fighting is the problem and believe that if they could just learn how to stop fighting they would be happy.

At the end of Tim and Diana’s first session, I shared a very important piece of information with them.  I told them that fighting, arguing, and bickering was normal in a relationship and that the goal of counseling would not be to stop the fighting, but instead to help them learn how to fight.  Confused and somewhat scared they both stared back at me (another common response).  This was a novel and unsettling idea they didn’t yet understand.  Tim and Diana, like most couples, were convinced fighting was destroying their relationship.

Research on happy, satisfied couples has revealed important information related to arguing.  Psychologists studying married couples who report high marital satisfaction do not have an absence of fighting in their relationship.  These couples disagree, bicker, fight and argue, but they have learned to how to work through the argument, turn towards each other when they’re hurting, and trust enough to repair the damage in the midst of a disagreement.

For the next few months, Diana and Tim put a lot of effort into their marriage.  They began to practice sharing their feelings instead of their thoughts, they learned the importance of understanding the dynamics of the “dance” they were in when they fought, and they became better, more open listeners.

Not surprisingly, Diana and Tim’s marriage soon began to thrive and flourish.  As a couple they appeared more connected, confident, and satisfied.  They had become closer, seemed more secure in their decision to marry, and started to get to know one another on a deeper level.

Although Diana and Tim continued to argue, bicker, fight, and disagree, they became skilled at learning how to identify the core issue in a fight and how to work through it.  Because of this, they no longer ended up going round and round only to be left feeling helpless, disappointed, and frustrated.  Instead, they took the time to hear one another, process their emotions, and heal as a couple.

Diana and Tim have now been married for a little over three years and recently sent me an email announcing the arrival of their first child.  Diana and Tim said that they felt confident that they would continue to grow as a couple and shared that they were excited to raise their child in a loving household that was skilled at addressing and resolving conflict!

The holidays are in full swing! Thanksgiving has passed and now the focus shifts to holiday gifts, parties, travel, and more.

For most couples, the financial pressure that comes with holiday shopping often gets in the way of enjoying the season together. Arguing, fighting, and distance typically increase for couples who find themselves unprepared to manage these demands. Fortunately, relationship problems DO NOT have to be a part of your holiday season.

The video below will teach you how to work as a team with respect to your money over the next next four weeks, which will keep you closer as a couple and help you enjoy your celebrations.

Click the link to download your Holiday Budget Worksheet

The holidays are quickly approaching and for many couples this can be a time of stress and overwhelm.  Although most couples hope to enjoy their holiday celebrations together, many couples instead end up arguing, frustrated, and at odds.  Family dynamics, travel issues, and financial burdens can lead to emotional overwhelm, and couples who do not learn to turn towards each other under the pressure can end up feeling hurt and isolated.

Below are 4 tips to help strengthen your relationship and stay connected this holiday season:

1. Talk about your plans and expectations in advance: Many couples skip this step.  They assume that they’re on the same page, believe that they have the same idea about how the day will play out, or don’t even realize that they have expectations for the day.  This is a big mistake.

It’s important that you and your partner learn to express and discuss your expectations with one another in advance.  Heading into any big event we all have expectations regarding the day and hopes for what we want to get out of it, so get in the habit of sharing these thoughts with your partner and make sure you take the time to listen to their expectations.

2. Work together to carry out the plans:  Once you’ve clearly shared your expectations with your partner (and heard their expectations), talk about how the two of you can work together to meet those expectations.  Discuss the small things like: departure times, early preparation, gifts, foods that you’d like to eat, who will stay sober to drive home, etc.  If you’re hosting the celebration, discuss all of the aspects that need to be taken care of prior to the event.  If you have children, discuss a plan for caring for them the day of.

Also, don’t forget to discuss more broad needs you may have like, “Please support me if my brother and I begin to argue,” or “It’s really important to me that you’re on time,” or “Let’s work together rather than blaming each other as we’re getting ready to leave.”  Remember, the clearer the two of you are on what you need and how you’ll work together to meet those needs, the smoother and more enjoyable your day will be.

3.  Tune into your feelings over the next few weeks: Holidays are often a time when our emotions run a little high. We all have memories and experiences from past holiday celebrations that can bubble up without us realizing it.  Things like the loss of a family member, being far away from your own family, or feeling like your not accepted by your in-laws can leave you feeling hurt, disappointed, abandoned, rejected, etc.  So the more aware you are of these feelings, the easier it will be to process them and reach out for support.

Over the next few weeks, take time to reflect on your feelings regarding the upcoming holidays and share them with your partner.  This will help your partner to understand why you may  appear down or withdrawn, and will provide them with an opportunity to comfort you, which will bring you closer a couple.

4.  Remember the meaning of the day:  It’s definitely easy to get wrapped up in the details of a holiday celebration (who you’re celebrating with, where you’ll be, and when it will all take place), but focusing on these small details often keeps us disconnected from the bigger picture, or the true meaning of the day.

Holiday celebrations mean something a little different to everyone, but they’re most typically a time of reflection, celebration, giving thanks, and family.  When you get lost in the small details of who, when, and where, you lose sight of the bigger picture and that can lead to dissatisfaction.  Try to stay focused on the meaning of your holiday.  Tune into the blessings in your life and enjoy the people you are with, the food you do have, and the love that is in your life.