One key to a lasting, healthy relationship is to put effort into it daily. Most people believe that they need a romantic getaway or an expensive dinner to get the passion back, but the truth is small efforts make all the difference.

If you’ve been feeling a little distant from your partner lately or you want your relationship to remain healthy and satisfying, implement at least one item from the list below every day and your relationship will thrive.

1. Get physical every day. Physical connection is really important in a marriage.  Every day make an effort to hug, kiss for 7 seconds, hold hands, cuddle on the couch, or make love. This will help reduce the feeling of being roommates and increase the bond between the two of you.
2. Leave a note for your spouse in the morning or send a loving text during the day. This will let them know that you’re thinking about them, which will make them feel loved and cared for (and closer to you).
3. Play a game together. Turn off the TV and pull out some cards, Scrabble, anything that allows you to play, laugh and get competitive together.
4. Get outside. Go for a walk, ride a bike, paddle board, etc. Do something active, even if it is just a 15 minute stroll around the block. Changing up the scenery together allows for new experiences, conversations, and perspectives.
5. Turn on some music. Have a romantic playlist on your iPod that invokes positive memories from your time together as a couple. Put it on while you’re cooking dinner, driving home from work, getting ready for bed, anytime that you want to focus on the positive aspects of your marriage. (Extra bonus, it may help get you in the mood for love).
6. Put your spouse and their needs first. Once per week make your spouse feel like the King or Queen. Make their favorite dinner, allow them to choose what the two of you watch on TV, ask them about their day, work goals, personal goals, etc.
7. Light some candles. Candles soften the mood and create a calm, romantic atmosphere. Put some candles on the table during dinner, light them in the living room while you’re watching TV, or sprinkle the room in small tea lights. Candles don’t always have to lead to sex, but they will definitely increase your desire to connect.

All relationships ebb and flow. Sometimes couples can be completely aligned and emotionally in tune with one another, and other times a great deal of distance can exist between them.

This natural rhythm of distance and closeness is not something to worry about if you’re usually able to recognize the pattern and work through it.  But if you and your spouse are not able to quickly identify the distance and find ways to reconnect, you may eventually end up feeling more like roommates or co-parents than passionate lovers.

Use the list below to determine if there may be too much distance between you and your honey.

THERE MAY BE TOO MUCH DISTANCE IN YOUR MARRIAGE IF:

• You can’t remember the last time you passionately kissed your spouse
• The kids regularly sleep in bed with you
• Your last one on one date with your partner was more than 6 months ago
• Weekends are all about chores and to do lists rather than laughter, play, and sex
• Sleep feels more important than listening to your spouse talk about a difficult day
• Sex is something that happens only on your anniversary and special occasions
• Foreplay is no longer part of your sex life
• You’d rather go to lunch with friends on a Saturday then do something with your partner
• Wearing sweats and socks to bed is a regular habit
• You spend more time at night with your TV/cell phone/iPad/laptop than with your spouse
• You don’t mind getting home late from work
• The longest conversation you and your spouse have had lately has been about money
• It feels like too much effort to look good for your spouse
• You think candles are just for birthday cakes
• Laughter and play in your relationship has seriously dwindled
• Daily interaction has to do with chores, to do lists, carpool, and money
• It feels like the thrill in your marriage is gone
• The last adventurous activity you tried together was on your honeymoon
• You and your spouse are two ships passing between soccer practice, homework, music lessons, school, and work
• Saying “I love you” feels more like habit than a powerful phrase

If this list sounds too familiar, it’s time to focus on reconnecting and boosting the romance in your marriage.  Make sure you tune in next week for some simple ways to increase the intimacy in your relationship.

It isn’t easy having it all and/or doing it all, but many modern women think they can and should.

Unfortunately, over the past few decades our society has regularly depicted an unrealistic image of a ‘supermom’ that tends to leave most women feeling inferior or not good enough.  This picture usually highlights a chic woman easily balancing her children, husband, and work all while looking fabulous.

In today’s demanding world, it’s easy to accept these standards and believe that you must measure up.  Women often set high expectations for themselves and when they don’t meet their own expectations their self-image and self-esteem often suffer.  In order to avoid the negative effects of not being perfect, women must begin to shift their personal expectations.  They have to realize that having it all doesn’t mean that they have to be perfect and that in order to get everything accomplished in their busy lives, they don’t have to do it all on their own.

When working with busy moms in my private practice, I normalize the desire to be super, work to shift their belief system, and begin helping them implement small changes in their daily life that will decrease stress and overwhelm.  Eventually most moms feel happier, healthier, and more balanced.  They report feeling closer to their spouse and more emotionally available for their children and other loved ones.  The unrealistic expectations these ‘ex-supermoms’ once had start to change and they begin to enjoy life more.

If you feel the pressure to be perfect and to do it all, it may be time to re-think your expectations.  Below are some tips to help you get started.

1. Examine your belief system.  What are your expectations with respect to being a mother and wife?  Where does this belief system stem from?  How realistic are your expectations?  Maybe your own mother seemed to handle it all, but maybe she didn’t have to balance a career too or maybe she just ran herself ragged.  You can be different.  You do not have to have to continue on this way.  Once you understand why you feel the need to be super you can begin to shift your beliefs.
2. Clearly identify what a realistic ideal day would look like.  Sit down and detail out exactly what your perfect day would be like, look like, and feel like.  Think about your ideal work environment, possibly getting more help from your spouse, having time for yourself, meal planning, sleep habits, your children’s behaviors and routines, time with friends, etc.  Really break it down.  It can even be helpful to make an ideal schedule.   Once you have a clear image of your ideal day, post it where you can see it every day and start making small changes in your daily life that will get you closer to this ideal.
3. Get comfortable asking for help.  In order to get what we want, we have to be willing to ask for help, no one can do it all on their own.  Many of the women I work with struggle with asking for help.  They often report feeling guilty and worry about being a bother to others.  If you have a hard time asking for help, start with little things.  Maybe begin by asking your husband to cook dinner one night per week or talk to a friend about swapping children once a week so that you can both have some personal time.  You can also get your children more involved in household chores or talk to your boss about small changes you’d like to make in your work life/schedule.  The point is to begin letting others know what you need and then letting them step in to assist you.  This will free up more time for you to enjoy quality time with the ones you love.
4. Set clear boundaries.  In order to make your ideal day a reality you have to know what your priorities are and learn to say “no” more often.  As mentioned above, we cannot be everything to everyone all the time, it’s impossible.  We must learn to accept our limits and make decisions based on our own needs and priorities.  The more comfortable you become with limits and boundaries, the less resentful, angry, frustrated and overwhelmed you’ll be.

Spring is often that time of year when we clean our house from top to bottom. We sort through old clothes and other household items, clean out the backs of closets and dark corners that are typically avoided, remove dirt, dust, and other build up, and give our homes an overall cleanse. By the time we’re finished (with this commonly dreaded experience), we feel lighter, happier, cleaner, and relieved.

So wouldn’t it be great it we did this in our personal lives as well?

As humans, we all have a tendency to hold on to past hurts, emotional pain, unhealthy relationships, and destructive patterns. The familiar in our daily lives can easily become comfortable and rather than make a change for the better, we often stick with what we know, even it if is hurting us.

Over time, this pattern can cause a great deal of unhealthy emotional build up and interference. Just like too much dirt in your house can cause illness or too many boxes in your garage can leave little room for your car, too much emotional turmoil can impair your relationships, mental health, and quality of life.

So, this spring I want you to focus on cleaning out your emotional house. Over the next few days, take some time to reflect on the dust in your life. Use the guide below to take inventory and start refreshing your personal life.

Relationships: Are there people in your life that are bringing you down? Is there a relationship in that may need to change or end? Maybe there is someone that you’ve wanted to address an issue with, but have been avoiding. Think about your relationships in general and then identify where the cobwebs may be and how you want to clean them out. If you’re married, it may be time to sit down and clear the air. Talk about what is and isn’t working and make a plan to move forward in a healthier way together.

Emotional Pain: We all have experiences that can cause pain and trauma. Take some time to reflect on your emotional life and identify any experiences that still need to be processed. For example, has your self-esteem suffered since you were passed up for a job promotion, do you feel disappointed in yourself for gaining weight, are you avoiding a new relationship because you don’t want to get hurt again? Emotional pain will get in the way of moving forward in life, so identify what is holding you back and find a way to process it, understand it, work through it, and move forward.

Unhealthy Habits: This category is all about those unhealthy behaviors that you engage in daily or weekly and then feel guilty about (i.e. smoking, eating junk food, drinking too much, lack of exercise, avoiding the doctor/dentist, etc). Your health and wellness play a major role in your quality of life. If there are bad habits that you know you need to kick, now is the time. Start identifying what it will take to change (identify clear steps).

Feeling Stuck:  If you’re in a relationship, job, house, car, gym, salon, etc that no longer meets your needs or makes you happy, it’s time for a change. Make a plan today to get out of that situation. That doesn’t mean quit your job today, but think about what you would like to do, where you would like to work, what type of partner you would like to have in your life and start listing the steps it will take to get there.

Once you begin clearing out your personal cobwebs you will notice that you have more mental space and energy for healthy relationships, habits, patterns, interactions, and feelings. When you get rid of your clutter the world will begin to open up to you.

Brides go through an enormous amount of stress while planning their wedding. Staying on top of the all the details involved in one magical day can be enough to make any sane woman feel insane at times. From booking venues and vendors, to whittling down the guest list, tracking response cards, and creating seating charts, the wedding “to do” list never seems to end. On top of this, you have responsibilities at work, need to maintain your friendships, and recognize the importance of keeping the romance alive in your relationship.

Sometimes it can just feel like too much. Don’t worry there’s help. You don’t have to continue feeling frazzled, frustrated, and short-fused. Follow the tips below to bring balance back into your life, so that when your wedding day arrives you walk down the aisle feeling refreshed, excited, and emotionally present.

1. Schedule personal time. This means, quiet time just for you. Every week look at your planner and carve out at least one hour for you. Use this time to read a book, get a facial or massage, watch trashy TV, whatever it is that rejuvenates you. Keep this time to yourself, don’t invite friends or your fiancé to join you, just be alone. Practice putting away your wedding planning paraphernalia and allow yourself to be present and in the moment.
2. Ask for help. I know that you really want your wedding day to be perfect and that letting go of some of the planning can seem a bit scary, but keep in mind that you have a group of capable loved ones waiting to be asked for help. Look at your wedding “to do” list and identify small tasks that you feel comfortable delegating. Some great ideas include: tracking response cards, addressing invitations, booking hotel room blocks, or finishing up wedding favors. Letting others help you with smaller details will relieve some your stress and make your loved ones feel needed and part of your big day. It’s a win-win.
3. Fantasize about being married. Whenever you have a minute, allow yourself to picture life AFTER the wedding. While you’re driving think about the things you are most excited about and looking forward to. Share these fantasies and feelings with your fiancé. Let him in on your hopes, dreams, and expectations and ask him about his. This will help keep you connected to the purpose behind all the wedding planning madness and put the big picture in perspective.
4. Exercise. This has nothing to do with fitting into your wedding dress, but rather is an important part of living a balanced life. Exercise facilitates stress reduction, allows you to blow off steam, and promotes overall health and wellness. Establish a sensible exercise routine and stick to it.

Remember to keep in mind that you are currently experiencing one of the most exciting, yet stressful times in life. Give yourself permission to enjoy the process as much as possible. Tune into the positive parts of wedding planning and look for ways to reduce stress on a daily basis.

Are you looking for some simple ways to add romance to your Valentine’s Day celebration?

Tonight is an opportunity to slow things down and get romantic with your partner.  Below are some tips for adding romance and passion to your Valentine’s Day celebration that won’t break the bank. Pick one or two items on the list and you’re guaranteed to have a memorable night!

Romance on a Budget:

- Light candles – Candles can completely change the atmosphere.  They can shift the mood in your home from bright and every day to sexy, luminous, and romantic.  Buy a pack of small tea lights from the drug store or dig up any candles you have around the house and put them everywhere, make your home glow tonight!

- Music – Music is an extremely powerful tool for setting a romantic mood.  Go through your iTunes library and make a playlist of all the romantic songs you and your honey enjoy.  Set the playlist to repeat, so you don’t have to worry about the music ending, enjoy a slow dance or two together and allow the music to take you away!

- Rose Petals – Rose petals will definitely up the romance quotient tonight.  They are soft, romantic, and add a flare of passion!  Rose petals can be purchased at your local grocery store for about $5 per bag (you only need one bag). Sprinkle them around the house, on your bed, on the dinner table, in the bathtub, anywhere you plan on enjoying each other tonight…

- Champagne and Strawberries – Again, simple items that scream romance and that can be purchased at your local grocery store.  You don’t have to go crazy and buy the most expensive bottle of champagne or the $6/lb chocolate covered strawberries, just buy the variation you can afford and enjoy them tonight with your Valentine.  Feed them to each other, enjoy them as a dessert after dinner, eat or drink them off of each other… you get the point.

- Massage Oil – We are all extremely busy today and most of us have a difficult time carving out time for a massage.  Surprise your Valentine tonight with a romantic massage.  Light those candles, put on your romantic playlist, sprinkle the bed with rose petals and give them a massage.  Buy some massage oil from Aveda or any beauty supply store in your area and help your Valentine relax, they’ll love you for it!

- Card – Valentine’s Day cards are a meaningful way to send a romantic message to your Valentine.  Purchase a card that has a genuine message in it and then personalize it.  Write them a message that expresses how much they mean to you, the things you appreciate about them, and how much you’re looking forwarding to enjoying life together.

- Flower – Yes, that is flower, singular, not flowerS.  One single flower can be just as meaningful and romantic as a full bouquet of roses.  If you don’t want to spend the $50-60+ on flowers today, just buy your Valentine a single rose or one of their their favorite flowers, it will mean just as much to them.

- Lingerie – Again, this doesn’t have to be expensive.  Go through your lingerie drawer and put on your sexiest black bra and undies or mix and match the sexiest items you have.  Your Valentine won’t care if they’ve seen the items before or if what your wearing is red or matches, they’ll just be excited that you put effort into wearing something special for them.

The secret to a great Valentine’s Day is to put forth effort.  Show your partner you care by creating ambiance and a romantic setting that will ignite passion and desire.

Looking to have a memorable Valentine’s Day tomorrow?

Read my Do’s and Don’ts for Couples and Singles…

SINGLE THIS YEAR?

• Don’t sit home and feel sorry for yourself
• Do call up some friends and plan a fun night together
• Don’t call an ex because you’re feeling lonely
• Do get out, mix and mingle, meet new people, and have fun
• Don’t attribute your single status to being unlovable or not good enough
• Do begin to identify exactly the type of relationship you would like to have (detail it out)
• Don’t eat away your sadness with sweets and rich food, you’ll only feel worse the next day
• Do get your endorphins pumping by going for a walk, exercising, dancing, or laughing with friends
• Do remember that things can change, you can find love, and Valentine’s Day is only 1 day!

ATTACHED?

• Do talk to your partner in advance about your expectations for the evening
• Don’t hold your partner solely responsible for making the night romantic
• Do think about what you can do to make your partner feel loved
• Don’t go into debt planning an amazing evening
• Do plan something special within your budget (cook dinner at home, watch the sunset, have drinks during happy hour, throw some rose petals on the bed and stay in your room with some great music playing, etc)
• Do consider your partner and what they enjoy and find a way to make the evening special for them
• Do focus on the positive aspects of your relationship and thank your partner for what they add to your life
• Don’t get caught up in what other people are doing or receiving, focus on your relationship
• Do make love! This is an important aspect of a keeping a relationship strong.
• Don’t underestimate the power of a card, words can say a lot
• Do remember Valentine’s Day is only 1 day! You can and should show love daily.

Tune in tomorrow for last minute tips for making the night romantic…

Do you feel the love in the air?

Or are you dreading February 14th?

Valentine’s Day is almost here and since this isn’t everyone’s favorite holiday, I want to give you some simple tips that will help you not only survive Valentine’s Day, but actually enjoy it!

The video below is filled with Valentine’s Day Do’s and Don’ts.  Whether you’re single or attached this year, it is possible to L*O*V*E this February 14th…

If you liked the information in this video, please share it with your friends below and don’t forget to “Like” my Facebook page…

Modern technology allows us to stay connected to our loved ones throughout the day.  Anywhere, anytime we now have the ability to communicate, share, and update instantly through devices and programs like smart phones, iPads, text messaging, email, instant messaging, Skype, Facebook, Twitter, Four Square, and so on.  No matter where we are in the world or what time it is, we can always find a way to make a call, email a picture, or share our thoughts.  We are visible, accessible, and easily located.

As wonderful as this can and should be in maintaining a strong connection with your partner, advances in technology have also contributed to a new series of relationship problems.  For example, couples today often argue via text, experience miscommunications via email, and become jealous and insecure in their relationship because of Facebook.  Technology has allowed people access into the lives of their partner, but sometimes that access is misused.

In order to utilize technology in a way that will truly benefit your marriage, rather than tear it apart, you must have some guidelines.  Remember that checking in with your honey, sending a loving text, or emailing a cute pic of you is always a good thing, but crossing over to the “dark side” or misusing technology in your relationship can eventually tear the two of you apart.

Helpful Technology Guidelines to Follow:

1. DO NOT fight via text, email, instant chat or any other variation.  Arguments are difficult enough to work through in person.  Words can be misinterpreted and misconstrued when written, so save your feelings for a face to face or “ear to ear” conversation.

2. DO send a loving text letting your honey know that you’re thinking about them.  We all feel good when someone takes time out of their day to send us a thoughtful message, so make an effort to do this more in your relationship.

3. DO NOT engage with an ex via Facebook or Twitter if it makes your spouse uncomfortable.  If you find yourself spending a lot of time on social media chatting with someone other than your spouse, it’s time to examine your relationship.  Your spouse is the person you should turn to.  If you’re looking for support, comfort or advice outside of your marriage, it may be time to seek out professional support.

4. DO share pictures of you and your spouse on social media.  Let the world know the good things going on in your life and the positive aspects of your relationship!

5. DO call your spouse during the day to ask how they’re doing.  Show them you care by making that extra effort.  Follow up on the big meeting they were stressing about, ask them to meet you for lunch, or tell them you can’t wait to kiss them when they get home.

6. DO NOT call your spouse to verbally attack them and then hang up.  If you need to have a conversation with your spouse, be prepared to stay engaged and stay on the call.  Hanging up on one another is destructive.

7. DO respond to your spouse when they reach out.  Reciprocation is important in a marriage, so text, email or call and let them know you appreciate their effort.

8. DO NOT cyber-stalk your spouse.  Trust is important in any relationship, so if you’re feeling insecure or worried about infidelity talk to your spouse rather than spying.

9. DO comment on and pay attention to what your spouse shares via social media.  Being actively involved in your partner’s life will keep your relationship strong.  Hitting that “Like” button will go a long way.

10. DO remember to carve out time for face to face conversations, so that you can share, update, and chat in person.  Technology is great for quick updates and support, but nothing beats a face to face conversation.

Do you ever wonder if you’re in an unhealthy relationship?

This is a common concern that I address with many clients in my private practice.  Often successful, vibrant, interesting men and women report feeling unhappy in their relationship and worried that things have taken a turn for the worse.  They share that they don’t feel like themselves anymore, doubt their ability to make decisions, and report an ongoing feeling of anxiety (like walking on eggshells).

Unfortunately too many people in this situation ignore their feelings or are unaware of what these feelings mean.  Bright, competent individuals get caught up in the dynamics of their relationship and fail to see the toxic cycle they’re stuck in.  Hoping things will get better they cling to their partner, make excuses for bad behavior, and blame themselves for an argument gone bad.  Over time denial of personal needs and ongoing doubt leads to low self-confidence, poor judgment, over dependency on the partner, a belief that one is unlovable or defective, and a fear of being alone.

If you find yourself questioning the quality of your relationship, it’s time to pay attention to and learn about the signs of emotional abuse.  Below is a list of common red flags present in unhealthy, emotionally abusive relationships.  Review the list below and if it sounds familiar or makes you uncomfortable with your relationship, it’s time to get help.

Remember that you are not causing the dysfunction and you do not deserve to be controlled, condemned, made to feel guilty, or uncomfortable.  Your relationship should lift you up and make you feel better about yourself.  A healthy relationship is all about support, security, and safety.  Not walking on eggshells and withdrawing from people and activities you love.

It is possible to change this pattern and seeking the support of a professional is your best first step.

RED FLAGS:

- Do you experience extreme highs and lows in your relationship?  One minute you feel close and believe that things are going well and then all of a sudden you’re in an intense argument.

- Does your partner belittle, insult, ignore you, or pout in order to get their way?

- Are they jealous for no reason or make false accusations? Do they look through your phone and emails or question you when you go out with friends or family? Do they try to control who you spend time with, sabotage your relationships, don’t want you to have friends of the opposite sex, and insist on always being with you?

- Do you feel like you have to walk on eggshells or are on pins and needles in order to avoid setting them off?

- When they drink or use drugs, does it seem excessive?

- Do they try to control you or aspects of the relationship (i.e. what you wear, who you spend time with, when you should arrive home, etc)?

- Do they invade your personal space or make you feel uncomfortable physically (i.e. do they talk over you or
as if they know everything, sit overly close to you, touch or grab you in an effort control your behaviors, etc)?

- Do they act as if they’re superior or put you down?  Does this make you feel like less of an equal?

- Do you find yourself doubting your judgment and relying on your partner to help you make decisions?

- Do they have a lot of financial problems and rely on you in some way financially?

- Have you begun to change who you are or how you act in order to please them or in an attempt to avoid a fight?

- Do you find yourself making excuses for their behaviors or hiding the truth from friends and family?

- Have you let go of important friendships or stopped engaging in activities that you used to enjoy?

If you have questions or concerns, or need help finding help in your area, please feel free to contact me.