Earlier this fall, I wrote an entry on anxiety – understanding it and strategies for managing it, so I won’t repeat those principles here.  But I had a number of parents comment afterwards that limiting the amount of future they think about was a helpful concept to them.

I continue to “preach” the concept that a student’s career path is the combination of understanding themselves (their abilities, interests, personality style, etc.) and knowledge about the world of work. And I fully believe that we continually overemphasize the individual aspect of the equation. In fact, (although it is a bit of an over-statement) I have come to believe that it really doesn’t matter what a student wants to do.  Ask anyone one of the tens of thousands of individuals who have been laid off, furloughed or who can’t find work.

The issue isn’t “what do I want to do” but “what goods or services are needed that people are willing to pay for“?   As a culture, we have forgotten that the primary purpose of a career is to provide financially for ourselves and our family.  This is accomplished by providing a service (either customers or an employer) that someone needs and is willing to pay for — and obviously, that we are qualified to provide.

There are thousands of people who right now aren’t working in their primary career field.  They aren’t doing what they went to college to study.  But they have their current job because “it pays the bills”.  This is a reality that many young people don’t fully understand  (or haven’t until recently).

So, the point is:  young people today need to focus more on learning about the world of work, and less on what they are interested in doing.  (Hopefully, they will find a career path that meets this desire, but it is the secondary issue.)  They need to find out “what is out there” — what jobs and careers exist, what do you really do in them, and what the current and future needs are.

To press the point further, it isn’t that helpful to know that you are good with numbers, like animals, are introverted, and have the resources to go to college if you don’t know what career paths match these characteristics, what course of study is needed, and what the needs are for the future.

So how does a student learn about the world of work? Being blunt — by working.  Not by taking “Introduction to [Psychology, Veterinary Science, Computer Science, Elementary Education, insert your area of interest here]”.  Not by going to a lot of fun camps.  Not by playing sports all summer, every summer from junior high through high school.   I have written previously on the importance of work experience for college graduates seeking employment.  And after my presentation this past week, I had a large number of business owners and managers approach me, saying, “That part about students needing to work — I couldn’t agree with you more.  Keep saying it.”

There are lots of opportunities for students to learn about the world of work:  part-time jobs, summer jobs, shadowing, interviewing professionals, talking to college professors in your area of interest, talking to older friends (say, friends of your older sibling) about their experiences, and volunteering.

Generally speaking, I think parents should focus less on SAT & ACT prep courses (although they can make a big difference in scholarship awards) and more on their students getting some work experience.  Getting into the college of your choice doesn’t matter much if you don’t have a clue what you are going to study.  After all, we do know what academic success predicts, don’t we?  Academic success at the next level.  Academic success, in itself, has little predictive validity for career success. (There are a lot of successful students who don’t learn the skills necessary to succeed in the world of work — a topic for another entry sometime.)

Why am I “hammering” this issue of work so hard?  Because I am seeing lots and lots of young adults who were great kids and teens, who did well in school, had fun in high school (and college), who didn’t work much — and who are virtually lost in their career direction because they don’t know what is “out there” in the world of work, and they don’t know how to find out.

Hopefully, my message will help you and your student avoid this unpleasant pathway.  If I can be of help, let me know.  I am doing more and more career coaching for young adults to help them find out what is “out there” and develop a plan to figure out their career path (many of these are long distance, by telephone or video conference.)

Have a good week!

Businesses who do well in difficult financial times:

Are able and willing to make and implement tough decisions. Some companies who were not able to make tough business decisions quickly are no longer around. Those who hesitated and waited before making cuts have suffered and made the path more difficult for themselves. It is important to note that family-owned businesses often struggle in this area — either because they do not have the processes and decision-making mechanisms in place to make authoritative decisions, or because the “difficult” decision may be to let family members go.

Realize that marketing is a way of life. I am using the term “marketing” to essentially mean: a) letting people know what you do; and b) being easy to find by potential customers. Those companies who were doing well, had a large back-log for their services or products, and who had fallen asleep in their marketing, often had difficulties “gearing up” their marketing plan when tough times hit. However, those companies who had continued to actively market were in place to adjust their plan and keep going.

Combine focus with diversity. Although I firmly believe in Jim Collins’ “hedge hog concept” (knowing what you do well and using that product/service to drive your business, I also believe there can be focus with diversity. Many of the companies who are now doing well in this tough economy had some diversity built into their business plan — either a variety of markets to which they applied their product/service, or they had a secondary line of products that they could “ramp up” in response to a need that arose. A number of companies who have only one primary service or product line are struggling to survive and/or develop a new product or service in times where there is not a lot of available capital to do so.

Understand that the focus of “networking” is not primarily about finding potential customers but looking for opportunities to serve others. Given that I was at a networking event, this was an important topic to address. All too often (almost always, in fact) business representatives go to networking events (luncheons, educational seminars, receptions) with the primary focus in mind to meet potential customers, give them your thirty second “elevator speech”, and press your business card into their hand. And with what do most of us walk away from these events? A blurred memory of who we met and a stack of business cards. Consider the following scenario. How much would you remember the person who actively sought to hear about any needs or challenges you are experiencing and was able either to connect you with a resource that could help or introduce you to someone who may have the service you need? Now that is impactful.

Actively encourage their employees. I have been working on a project of applying the Five Love Languages (a book used in personal relationships) to work-oriented relationships.

Initially, when Dr. Chapman and I started the project, the economy was good and one of our primary applications was in “how to keep valuable team members”. For many companies now, the issue is how to keep your employees from becoming discouraged and burned out — they have more work to do and increased responsibilities with the same (or maybe less) pay and resources.

We have developed the Managing By Appreciation Inventory to help managers and business owners how to communicate encouragement and appreciation to their employees through non-financial means, and how to do so in a way that is significant and meaningful to the employee. Whatever tool or method you use, it is critical to find ways to encourage and show appreciation to your employees in these difficult times. Briefly think of what a discouraged employee looks like in day to day life, and quickly calculate the costs to your organization of having a discouraged team — loss of productivity, poor customer satisfaction, negative attitudes, increased mistakes.

So, if your business is still alive and kicking, take a minute and see if you can take any of these factors and apply them to your organization — and hopefully increase the probability of your survival!

Part of the process included looking at philanthropy through the lens of daily life, rather than conceptualizing it as just large financial gifts given to non-profit organizations. Here are a few thoughts from that process.

A reminder that philanthropy comes from the Greek words phileo (practical love) and anthropos (meaning man or mankind). So essentially philanthropy is the act of demonstrating practical love to others.

So, at a very basic foundational level, if we think about philanthropy in daily life, it is really embodied in kindness and treating others as you would like to be treated.

We then can take practical love toward others to the level of our lifestyle decisions and how our daily decisions impact our local and global communities. Here is a list of practical areas of daily life with some brief notes of issues to consider in each area.

*Groceries (packaging, buying in bulk, local producers)
*Transportation (utilizing public, automobile choices, flying)
*Clothing, Personal Items (used, consignment, self-made)
*Gifts (consider not giving objects, self-made, Third world, charitable donations)
*Electronics (recycling computers, cell phones, TV’s / screens, energy efficiency)
*Housing (green, energy efficiency, remodeling)
*Banking (utilizing community-based, socially-involved
*Services (using global professionals from accounting, web design)
*Physical health (healthy lifestyle, exercise, equipment)
*Medical treatment (natural, preventative, high tech, insurance)
*Recycling (paper, plastic, glass, metal, in general)
*Recreation / Entertainment (low cost, low impact, big business)
*Financial investments (socially responsible, mission and program related investments)

We then also discussed ways to incorporate charitable giving in one’s daily life context (versus just thinking about annual financial gifts). These included:

*Looking for needs in your local, daily community.
*Observing organizations that intersect with your life.
*Volunteering your time, service and expertise.
*Giving financially from your monthly income.
*Attending charitable events and fundraisers of organizations you want to support.

No major earthshaking revelations here, but possibly some helpful reminders in how we can think about others through our daily life decisions.

So let’s look at the issues that together create a violent response.

Anger. Anger is one of the responses that comes from one’s expectations not being met. People get anger when “X shouldn’t have happened” or when “You should have done Y” and you didn’t. So a key aspect to understanding anger (and violence) is the mismatch between people’s expectations and their experience of reality.

I believe a key contributing factor to the increase of violence in our society is a growing lack of realistic expectations people have. You may insert your own beliefs of what unrealistic expectations are but mine include: the right to have money even if you don’t work, the right to have (health care, housing, insert almost anything) at the same level as anyone else who lives in the U.S. I think we need to take a serious look at the expectations we are creating for our society — they are not logically consistent nor realistically sustainable. As a result, unrealistic expectations + not matching our daily experience leads to increasing anger.

Constant Violent Images. I continue to be amazed at our society. Why are we surprised that violent acts are increasing when we are flooded with violent images? When a majority of our TV shows (CSI, Law & Order, etc.) every night of the week are based on someone getting killed or raped, when our children and teens come home and spend hours every week playing video games which simulate stealing, shooting, and beating up others, and when our music idolizes sexual violence — how else should we expect young adults to act?

Poor impulse control. As a culture we do not really value nor teach impulse control. Impulse control is the ability to stop and think before you act. It includes the ability to delay gratification — just because I want it, doesn’t mean I get it right now. Our “enjoy the moment”, “buy now, pay later”, and “I have the right to . . .” culture undermines the development of children’s and adolescents learning to “do the right thing” even if it doesn’t feel right. Our culture’s focus on pleasure is a distorted view of “happiness”. Happiness doesn’t come from getting every desire met immediately — true happiness comes from living life in a way that helps you live in harmonious relationships with others and achieving goals and accomplishments that enhance the quality of your life over time. [Think about eating healthily and exercising vs. eating sweets all the time and laying around the house playing video games.]

Societal acceptance. When a community loses its ability to communicate acceptance or judgment of unacceptable behavior, the unacceptable behavior will continue to grow in frequency. The moral relativity we have accepted in our culture has lead us to be reluctant to call anything “wrong” — but then we don’t understand when individuals go ahead do “wrong” things [e.g. Bernie Madoff and taking advantage of others financially). Peer pressure works — both positively and negatively. People still want to be accepted, not be shunned or embarrassed — and group pressure from a person’s community can impact their choices. But we have largely given up the power of this type of influence.

So what do we do? First, understand that violence is a personal choice, not primarily a societal problem to be solved by governmental intervention. Second, start to attack the issues that create the propensity for violence. Individually, I think we should refuse to watch violent TV shows (and write the networks or advertisers) and not purchase violent video games. Third, teach our children and families both realistic expectations for life, and the ability to control their impulses. And lastly (although it may not be politically correct) communicate concern and disappointment when those around you make poor choices — if you don’t, then they will come to believe that lying, cheating, stealing, and treating others poorly is acceptable.

I don’t know about you but a lot of my daily life can be contaminated by anxiety – not major, life-crippling anxiety, but those small little worries about daily life activities and events.  And if I am not careful, anxiety can almost rule my day.  While I’m doing one thing, I’m worrying about the next event or meeting.  What a waste.  It is not the way I want to live my life.

So let’s talk about ways we can manage these worry-focused thoughts.  First, let’s briefly define what anxiety is. 

First and foremost, anxiety is fear (usually a “small” fear).  We are afraid we are going to be late.  We worry about what others will think of us.  We are concerned about being adequately prepared for a meeting / speech / test / presentation later this week.

Secondly, we can note that worrying and being anxious is about the future – something that is going to (or may) happen at some point after “now”.  We don’t worry about the past, although we may worry how our past actions or decisions will impact the future.

Finally, most anxiety has some component of circumstances you can’t totally control.  Some people worry about the weather, others about the stock market, or traffic; some are anxious about what other people will think about them.  [Think about it – if we are worrying about things totally under our control, we could effectively manage the anxiety by just doing the action necessary.]

Now let’s identify the three most common responses to anxiety (I seem to be thinking in “3’s” today):

            1. Action.  A lot of people (myself included), do something when they are anxious.  It may not be productive activity – but doing something gives the person a sense that they are helping the situation (this may or may not be true).

            2. Paralysis.  Others tend to become paralyzed when they are anxious.  They don’t know what to do, so they withdraw, become passive and do nothing.  Frequently, these individuals also become highly internally focused, focusing on their thoughts and feelings.

            3. Rumination.  This is the third response, that can go with either action or paralysis.  Some people focus on what they are worrying about – and continue to think and talk repetitively about their worries.  This response can lead to a self-stimulating cycle of increasing anxiety.

So, what can we do when we are anxious?  Here are some ways to manage ourselves:

            *Limit the amount of “future” that you allow yourself to think (and worry) about.  Since worrying is all about the future, the more “future” that you allow yourself to be concerned about, the more opportunity there is for things to worry about.  So just focus on today – take “one day at a time”.  In highly stressful circumstances, you may even break the day into smaller segments (“I’m going to get to lunch, and then figure out the rest of the day after that.”)

            *Determine what you can do to manage the risks you are concerned about.  If you are worried about getting a low grade on a test, make a plan and schedule to study for it.  If you are concerned about ‘blowing’ a presentation, prepare the best you can.  If are anxious about being late to an appointment, leave early and allow extra time for unplanned events.  Make sure and take small steps to implement the plan.

            *Avoid people, unnecessary situations or input that increase your anxiety.  There are some people who are chronic worriers and have a fearful approach to life.  If I  am anxious myself, I try not to be around these people too much so they don’t feed my own anxiety.  Or if I am worried about the economy and my retirement savings, I will limit how much financial news I will expose myself to.

            *Distract yourself with positive activities.  Sometimes there are situations where all you can do is ‘wait’ (for example, waiting to hear if you were accepted into the college of your choice; or waiting to hear if you got the job you applied for).  When there is nothing you can really do to make the situation better, it may be good to go ahead and live life – go for a run, spend some fun time with friends, do some other work or tasks that need to be done, read a book, help somebody else in need.

            *Be thankful for the positive things in your life – especially the ‘little’ things.  Gratitude is a great antidote for a lot of negative things in our lives, including anxiety.  Look for little daily things that you appreciate – food to eat for breakfast, a nice cool morning, being able to work inside when it is raining outside, having family and friends that care about you, a car that starts, and so forth.

            *Build competencies into your life that will help you deal with ongoing challenges in your life.  Sometimes there are circumstances in our lives that are going to be there for a while – financial hardship, long work days, being away from family and friends.  And it can be helpful to have a longer term view on dealing with these situations – figuring out what you can build into your life that will help you long-term in dealing with the challenges you face.  Work on a ‘tighter’ budget, figure out some ways to earn a little extra money, develop an exercise program, learn how to use Skype to keep in touch with people over long distance.

So, that’s it. For those of you fellow-worriers or anxiety addicts, maybe there will be some advice that can help reduce your daily anxiety level.  Have a great week!

This week I had the opportunity to attend a conference where both John Townsend (author of Boundaries) and Henry Cloud (author of Integrity) spoke on leadership.  Here are some notes of thoughts that I felt were interested and helpful.

John Townsend

Research is verifying the relationship between character, interpersonal skills and performance outcomes.  That is, if you work on the “inside” issues you will see improvement in performance outcomes. (See below for why this is the case.)

Life is more than making right choices – doing cost/benefit analyses.  There are two sets of information that leaders need to listen to – external (verifiable objective facts) + internal (listening to your ‘gut’).  True reality is a combination of objective information plus subjective intuition.

Values  — values are those things that you believe in to the point that they dictate your decisions.

Leaders need to focus less on what the mission statement says their core values are, and get an objective observer to share the values they observe in how the organization actually functions (i.e. focus on what their values are versus what they should be.)

The pendulum is swinging in leadership development from a pure focus on strategic planning, setting goals, managing by objectives, and the variety of technical processes to improve performance to also paying attention to the emotional side of life (and business).  Not focusing on feelings for feelings’ sake, but understanding that feelings play a role in both decision-making and in working as a team.

In decision-making, feelings play the role of relaying signals to the leader – signals that need to be paid attention to and investigated.  Anxiety (or concern or fear) is signaling that there may be a potential danger to heed.  Investigating the reality of the risk and taking steps to manage the risk (if it is real) is wise.  Ignoring the signal could be reckless.

Interestingly, Townsend indicates that the positive function of anger (irritation or frustration at lower levels) is an indication that you have a problem to solve – something is going on that you don’t like.  Now the problem may be internal – that you have unrealistic expectations that aren’t being met.  Or the problem may be external – that someone’s performance is not acceptable and needs to change.

A third emotion he cites that is critical to the business world is passion.  I personally have never considered passion as an emotion previously.  But it makes sense.  Townsend describes passion as “focused desire”.   And most successful leaders have or have experienced passion – that burning desire to do what they are called to.   A challenge for some leaders is that they lose the intensity of their passion / desire over time (which is a whole additional topic of discussion), while others struggle in maintaining the focus of their passion.

[Out of deference to Dr. Townsend and his intellectual capital, I am not going to list all of the positive and negative emotions he addressed in his book Leadership Beyond Reason:  How Great Leaders Succeed by Harnessing the Power of Their Values, Feelings, and Intuition.  Get the book – it is a good, solid leadership book with a unique perspective on the role of feelings in leadership.)

Townsend also believes that emotions play an important role in working effectively together with team members  — negative emotions among team members impede effective functioning, while positive feelings between colleagues facilitate better performance, both individually and as a unit.

He also describes the power of emotions in bringing to mind past relationships (what he and other psychologists call “internal relationships”) – those people who influenced us significantly in the past (parents, teachers, mentors, coaches) and still influence us “in our head”.  Dr. Townsend gives excellent examples of how leaders become stuck in their personal and leadership development because they can’t get past old messages from internalized relationships (“You’ll never amount to anything.”  “In the end, you’ll always screw it up.”)

A key application for me is that both Dr. Townsend and his colleague, Dr. Henry Cloud (whom I also heard) are seeing the need for coaching in the “middle space” for leaders.  There is plenty of coaching and leadership development in the strategic planning, becoming a change agent, etc. space.  And many leaders don’t need (or won’t get) heavy duty “counseling” focusing on personal problems.  But Dr. Cloud argues that there is the “middle space” that needs to be addressed – where a leader’s personal development has not kept pace with the growth of his organization and his or hers resulting responsibilities.  So there is a gap between the weight of their professional responsibilities and the development of personal skills and abilities to effective manage the demands.  Issues in this middle space include recurrent patterns of interpersonal difficulties (types of people you don’t work well with),  anxieties and fears that are making you hesitant to make decisions, personal and family  issues that are interfering with your performance by sapping your emotional energy, etc.  Business leaders need help working though these issues so that they can continue to become more productive leaders (which is the goal of the process).

One last interesting point Dr. Townsend  made about leaders.  Leaders are essential persuaders – they persuade others to follow them.  Initially, they do this by casting vision, identifying goals that will lead to the vision, communicating out a plan to reach the goals and then inspiring his team to share the vision and implement the plan.

But there is a difference between initially persuading followers and keeping them engaged.  For team members to continue to stay engaged with the vision and task, they need a sense of being listened to , understood and cared for by the leader.  This is a different skill set than the initial persuasive skills and many leaders either haven’t developed, don’t value or don’t practice the empathic listening to their team – and this ultimately leads to loss of enthusiasm, discouragement and conflict – for the unheard team member will find someone who will listen to them (other colleagues, other leaders) and this can lead to discontent and division within the team.

I’ll stop there.  “He who has ears to hear, let him listen (and act!)”

Fathers and sons are interesting in how they relate.  Dads, especially when they are younger and are raising young children, seem to focus largely on providing for their families (a home in a safe environment, good schooling opportunities, and other life experiences which they value) and on character development.  Dads (and moms) tend to what to make sure their children are obedient, not whiners, tell the truth, are hard workers, and become responsible for themselves as they grow older.

When sons become older teens and young adults, the dynamic changes.  Since dads want their sons to become independent young adults (and the sons want this, too!), a tension is created — how to continue to give input and guidance into their sons’ lives while also respecting their independence and individuality.  And this is often a difficult balance to maintain.  I have seen men who totally “back off” out of their sons’ lives to the point that their sons have felt almost abandoned.  That usually wasn’t the father’s intent; they just didn’t want to be overly controlling with their sons.  But sometimes the sons would like more input from their dads (when they ask for it) and can get frustrated of not really being able to learn from their dad’s experience. (This sometimes happens when the father had an overly controlling father themselves and they don’t want to repeat the pattern with their children.)

An interesting fact to remember is that guys tend to build relationships by doing something together.   That is why they get together to watch sports (or go to sporting events together) and the variety of things that guys do — hunt, fish, shoot hoops, play video games, work on cars, go biking, work on a remodeling project together, and so forth.  Guys tend to talk while doing something else — as opposed to most women, who value getting together just to talk.

So a challenge for dads and their sons, as both get older and their lives become separate, is finding activities they still can (or want to) do together.  And this can be especially challenging if the father and son work together (because the son usually doesn’t want to “hang out” with dad after work.)

My relationship with my dad was largely built around working on projects together, especially on Saturday mornings.  I learned a lot of practical skills but it was also challenging because my mechanical skills are virtually negative, while my dad was a self-taught mechanical engineer and designer.   Since his death fourteen years ago, I have frequently missed the opportunity to call him up and ask his advice on various home projects or repairs I had to do.

Largely from his modeling, much of my time with my sons was also on working projects.  Ask my guys about “Saturday mornings” when they were growing up, and you may hear moans, see their eyes roll, and one of them will launch into what a slave driver I was (which is probably partially true).  I also enjoyed playing basketball, football or soccer with them, and going to their practices and games.  We still enjoy watching some sports together.

The difficulty with this approach is that it can become largely task-focused (getting the job done) or the sporting event doesn’t really allow for much significant conversation to occur.  Finding time to talk about important topics in life is still an area I find difficult.   Probably the most significant discussions occur when my kids come home for dinner and we have some to time to discuss deeper issues during and after the meal.

A key point (and one made by many authors of parenting books) is that sons (and daughters, too) really are looking for affirmation from their dads.  Kids (regardless of their age) want to know that their dad likes them — that he loves them, accepts them, and is proud of who they are becoming.

Most of us dads (myself included) are pretty lousy at communicating acceptance and affirmation of our kids.  We are so anxious about them “turning out bad” that we are constantly prodding them, pushing them, correcting them, and encouraging them to learn to make good choices, that the message our children receive is one of conditional acceptance.  I know this either is or has been an issue in my relationship with each of my children.  I personally find the tension of helping them develop the character qualities that are important to me, while at the same time demonstrating love, affection, affirmation and acceptance to be a difficult line to walk.

I am open to hearing your thoughts and input on building healthy relationships with sons, as you both move forward in your walks toward maturity.

But as we have shared about our milestone with others, we have been asked quite a few times:  “What are the ’secrets’ to being married that long?”  I started to reflect on the question and came up with a few thoughts in response that I thought I would share.

• Marry the right person.  This may sound strange — and doesn’t really help those who are already married –but marrying a person who has the foundational character qualities that are needed for maintaining a long term relationship is key.  Two come to mind (there are many, obviously) — 1) avoid someone who is easily offended and 2) a person who holds grudges.  Both make it really difficult to forgive.  The first (being easily offended) means the person is going to have to forgive you a lot over the future decades.  And the second (holding grudges) means that they have a hard time “letting go” of offenses, which undermines the ability to maintain a close long term relationship. Most of us are blinded by infatuation and physical attraction when we are looking for someone to marry.  Some of us are (or were) just young and clueless.  So finding the right person under those circumstances is largely due to God’s grace in our lives.  But if you are still looking for a spouse, be sure and look for the true qualities you desire. (On the other hand, don’t be looking for Prince Charming or ‘The Perfect Woman’ — they don’t exist in reality.)

• Both individuals need to become good at forgiving.  Throughout the months, years and decades of your marriage, you will screw up a lot; and your spouse will make a lot of mistakes, so it is critical for both parties to be able and willing to forgive one another.  I truly don’t know of any other way to make a long term relationship work — practicing forgiveness is key.  There are a lot of misconceptions about forgiveness — that you have to ‘forget’ what happened to be able to forgive; that forgiveness means what happened really didn’t matter or hurt; or that what the person did ‘wasn’t that big of a deal’ — none of which are true.  Forgiveness is essentially “letting go” and not holding the offense against the person any longer.  Easy to say, but a process which can take a long time to enact. [A great book on this issue is The Art of Forgiving by Lewis Smedes.]
• Learn (and then practice) the ways that your spouse experiences being loved.  For a long time (I mean 25 years or so) Kathy and I struggled.  She was frustrated with me, not feeling like I cared for or about her.  And I didn’t feel like she appreciated me.  Then we read Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages, and began to understand that each of us experiences being loved differently.  Kathy’s ‘love language’ is having focused attention and quality time; mine is verbal praise.  Once we understood our differences, and have worked at loving each other in the languages important to us (it has taken me longer than Kathy), then our frustrations have diminished.  Although the concepts of this book are pretty simple and not ‘magic’, they helped us get over a barrier in our relationship.
• Work on your relationship.  “Working on your relationship”, to me, means — make your marriage a priority.  You have to spend time, invest mental and emotional energy, be willing to spend money on your relationship — and say “no” to other things (hobbies, work, other relationships, leisure activities, activities with or for the kids).  Although I rarely looked forward to a marriage seminar or retreat (being honest), I almost always felt like there was significant benefit from going.  And I get tired of reading books on marriage, but I continue to glean helpful concepts and hints to make me a better husband.  Anything that you want to be of good quality takes time and effort.
• Be committed to stay married even when it’s tough and you don’t like your spouse.  Sometimes I feel ‘commitment’ is overly emphasized in weddings and advice to young couples — to the point that it seems that the only thing needed to stay married is commitment (which I don’t believe is true).  But, if you ask most couples who have been married a long time, the rock bottom foundation of being committed to staying married, no matter how tough it gets, has been true for them.  And it is true for us.  We have had times where it seemed it would have been easier (and less painful) to just call it quits.  And there were times where we really didn’t like each other much, and didn’t enjoy our relationship.  But we were committed to make it work, and to this point we have been able to do so. [An ASIDE:  I clearly believe that there are circumstances when it probably doesn’t make sense and can be dangerous to stay in a relationship — when there is drug or alcohol abuse, or anger and abuse issues.  Being committed doesn’t mean you should be foolish.]
• Give up trying to change your spouse (the “if only …” game).  Part of the ability to keep together (and get past those really tough times) comes with the true acceptance of the other person for who they are.  And even if it would be good for them to change for certain habits or to “grow” in character (patience, perseverance, follow-through, impulse control, you name it) — accepting that they may never change reduces a lot of conflict.  And yes, life would be better “if only …”, but “if only …” may not happen and you certainly aren’t going to make it happen in their life for them.  So accept the reality that your spouse is a flawed individual and that it would be helpful if you learn to live with them the way they are.
• Miscellaneous parting thoughts.   There are lots more principles — that is why there are so many books on marriage.  But I want to get on with my day, so let me just finish with some additional short comments.

1. Be thankful — for your life, for your spouse, for your family.
   
2. Learn to enjoy activities that you can do together.  Do things with your spouse that they enjoy — go along with them just because they like it.
3. Live within your means.  Financial stress from overextending your lifestyle creates additional unnecessary stress that can undermine your relationship.
4. Realize life is hard.  Enjoy the good times and persevere through the difficult ones.

Have a great week.  And if you are fortunate enough to be married — give your spouse a big hug and kiss sometime today.

As parents, there are milestones along the way that show that your kids are on the right path (graduating from high school, getting a job and paying for some of their expenses, living away from home after college).  And there are “ditches” to avoid as well — drug and alcohol addiction, serious credit card debt, inability to hold down a job over time.

Ultimately, when do you claim “victory!” as a parent?  When can you say, “I think we were pretty successful as parents”?  Being somewhat hard-nosed, but also truthful, I don’t think we really know how we did as parents until our grandchildren are young adults and displaying the characteristics we value.  That is a long time off, but just like many other areas of life, I don’t think true success can be claimed until the first generation results are replicated.

Nonetheless, I think there are times (and this is one for us), where you can at least stop, take a breath, and claim temporary victory.

My wife, Kathy, and I are in the midst of a significant life transition. For the first time in 26 years and 3 months, we don’t have any of our children living at home.  Our oldest two (twin sons, Daniel & Nathan) have both graduated from college and have been out own their own for a few years.  One is a chaplain in the Army and being deployed to Iraq in a few weeks (for 12 months).  One is involved in international medical relief work and currently is in Liberia (for just a short time).  Our third son, Joel, graduated with a degree in mechanical engineering in May and is going back for a masters degree in biomedical engineering (with a full ride scholarship and teaching assistantship position.)  And our daughter, Elizabeth, just moved into her dorm room at college, after graduating from high school this spring.

Are we proud?  Absolutely.  Is the role of parenting over and we can claim complete success?  Definitely not.  But you have to stop at some points in life and rejoice in the progress made so far.

But with the pride also comes pain.  Being successful as parents, raising “independent functional adults” (plus some other character qualities, also involves a fair amount of loss.  Let me outline some of the losses we are experiencing:

• Loss of communication. When kids move away, they aren’t there for dinner anymore (not as often, at least).  You don’t see them before they go to school, or when they come home in the evenings.  The opportunity for daily life small interactions diminishes significantly.
• Loss of connectivity.  Once they are out of the home (and gradually before then) they are living their own lives.  They have their own activities (which you generally don’t attend like you did their soccer games or school concerts).  They get to know lots of people you don’t know.  Your lives become more separate and less connected (which is good and necessary, but still hurts sometimes.)
• Loss of being needed on a daily basis.  Many parents are actively involved in their children’s lives daily for years and decades.  Moms who have the privilege of being at home with the children before the school years are especially attuned to this issue.  At different stages in life, this issue becomes more poignant — when your oldest goes to their first day of school; when each child leaves to go to college; and when your youngest moves out.
• Loss of role and identity.  Closely related to the “not being needed on a daily basis” issue, is the loss of role and identity which can also occur.  Some of us, as parents, seeing being a parent as one our primary roles and callings in life.  When the more active stage of in-home parenting is over, the question: “What do I do with my time and energy now?” can come to the forefront.
• Loss of togetherness.  As your children get older, it is tougher to get time together as a total family.  We have experienced this (this last week five of us got together for a family vacation, but Daniel couldn’t make it since he is in Liberia), but have been able to have brief flecks of time all together.  Family gatherings without everyone there is bittersweet — you enjoy the time with whoever can make it, but you also have a sense of lack of completeness when one or more are missing.

When we talk with friends whose children are younger than ours, they often say:  “I don’t know if I will be able to survive that.”  But, like lots of life, you somehow get ready for the next stage by the time you get there.  The transitions are tough, and painful (for us, at least).  But the accompanying pride, joy of seeing your children “fly” on their own, and the wonder about the opportunities before you dampen the pain somewhat.

We’ll see what’s next!