warm regards,

The Powerful Word of the Month is Dependability! Here are some great “dependability quotes” to get us inspired!

“Promises are like crying babies in a theater, they should be carried out at once.” (Norman Vincent Peale, preacher, author, and originator of the “Power of Positive Thinking.”)

“Be the person who can keep a secret, isn’t a gossip, and can be counted on in all situations.” (Larry Winget)

“People will judge you by your actions, not your intentions.  You may have a heart of gold – but so does a hard-boiled egg.” (unknown)

“Some favorite expressions of small children: “It’s not my fault. . . They made me do it. . . I forgot.”  Some favorite expressions of adults: “It’s not my job. . . No one told me. . . It couldn’t be helped.”  True freedom begins and ends with personal accountability.” (Dan Zandra)

“Show up. Be on time. Follow through even when it’s inconvenient. Sometimes being dependable means getting uncomfortable for the good of somebody else.” (Dr. Robyn Silverman)

Have a Powerful Month!

Did you catch The Tyra Show Halloween special? This was a fun show…check out this clip where I helped Caitlyn (along with Top Model, Toccara!) overcome her fear of all things Halloween as she conquered Blood Manner in NYC. The courage technique I used with Caitlyn which I created for my coaching clients, is called “Beat The Fear” or BTF. BTF, in turn, stands for Body, Thoughts, and Feelings. Whenever we want to access our Powerful Words, Confidence and Courage, we need to remember to stand up tall in a way that shows confidence, think positive, confident thoughts, and remeber how we feel when we feel our most courageous and confident.  This puts us in the right state of mind to Beat The Fear.  Here’s The Tyra Show clip!

There must be people buying it. I mean, they wouldn’t be selling it if someone—no, a whole host of people, were buying it.  Someone thinks it’s cute to dress their little girls up like their own portable “mini-me” replete with toddler bras, heavy make-up, and high heels.  Is it time to get a grip? Anyone? Anyone?

Now I must come clean here—I had the Super Girl underroos when I was about 5 years old.  I loved them.  I was so excited to wear the Super Girl “bra” top which was really just a half undershirt—but I was smitten. Yup—100% stretch polyester. Those were the days.

I didn’t feel sexualized. I felt like Super Girl. Transporting myself in my own private “phone booth” and while other people didn’t know it- I was Super Girl underneath it all.  It was fun. It was play. Who didn’t want to look like Super Girl?

I also played in my mother’s make-up.  I had a whole bag of it. I remember sitting my friend Jennifer on the make up “chair” in the bathroom (toilet) and covering her face with gobs of the stuff.  What would start out as an attempt to do something “pretty” or “beautiful” always ended up looking like a deranged clown– on purpose.  Mom definitely didn’t let us leave the house that way. It was fun. It was play. Who doesn’t like to play with make-up?

Oh…and the shoes. Mom had a lot of them and yes, I did try them on! I think she was always relieved that I blew through her shoe size when I got older otherwise she may have only been left with a pair of bowling shoes. Actually…she didn’t have bowling shoes.

So, does this make me conflicted? Actually, not too much. I think there is a difference between playing dress up and dressing like an adult.  There’s a difference between wanting to be like a superhero and getting padded bras for a 6 year old so she can feel more “grown-up.” There’s a difference between playing with make-up in your bathroom and walking out the door (other than to trick or treat) when you’re 4 years old. And there is certainly a difference between trying on your mother’s shoes and clunking around the house and going to a party dressed like a Sesame Street Walker.

Girls are feeling the pressure to grow up too fast too soon. Research certainly backs that up. From Bratz, to Disney Princesses, to Barbie to Lolita-like thongs for 2nd graders, many products have received some fire for their contribution. Where do we draw the line? Has it already been crossed?

But I would like to hear from you. Do you think girls are being sexualized with the heavy “adult” slant used to market to them? Or is it just the same old thing we did—updated for today? Do you think girls are growing up too fast—with 6 year olds acting like tweens—or are people in a dither over nothing?

Weigh in.

Parenting can be stressful.  Places to go, people to see, homework to do, dinner to cook, laundry to fold, and a mile long list of to-dos that have been accumulating since 1999.  A fresh mouth and uncooperative behavior can be just the thing that breaks the camel’s back for some parents. They want their children to show our Powerful Word of the Month, discipline, and for some parents, according to some recent studies, that means physical disciplinary action.

Discipline and children is certainly a touchy subject. Parents can go head to head about the pros and cons of certain disciplinary methods– but no disciplinary method is more touchy than physical discipline like spanking.

How do you discipline your children? How do you know if it’s the right method for your children?  It’s hard to know.  There are so many different ways of disciplining children. Some do time-outs. Some ground their kids or take away some of their privileges.  Some simply reward positive behavior and discuss poor behavior while others spank. Some use a combination of these techniques and others change their methods as children develop.

Of course, it’s natural for children to make mistakes as they are growing and learning– that’s how they become productive adults.  Our choice with regard to how to discipline them can also make an impact.

According to two longitudinal studies (meaning they studied the same children over a considerable length of time) adjusting to a child’s cognitive ability and developmental age is typical of parents.  As children get older, parents are less likely to use physical discipline such as slapping, spanking, or hitting with something like a paddle or whatever happens to be in the parent’s hand at the time. This is certainly no laughing matter—researchers found that if parents continue using physical punishment as their children develop into teenagers, the teens are more likely to have behavior problems.

“Given these findings, mental health specialists and others who work with families should encourage parents to refrain from using physical discipline,” –Jennifer E. Lansford, associate research professor with the Social Science Research Institute and Center for Child and Family Policy at Duke University.

A 2005 study by Lansford’s team also showed that regardless of the cultural norm in 6 different countries, children who are physically disciplined with spanking and other such approaches are more likely to be anxious and aggressive than children who are disciplined in other ways. The U.S is one country in which spanking is still used often.

Other studies have also found that:

• Boys are spanked more than girls;
• Mothers spank more than fathers;
• Toddlers and preschoolers are spanked most often,
• Parents from lower income groups spank more often;
• Parents who have more education are less likely to spank;
• Religious conservatives are more favorable towards spanking; and
• Some groups, based on cultural and/or ethnic background are more likely to spank their children.

While parents in the United States are more likely to spank than in several other European countries, the trend towards spanking has decreased. Data show that 90% of children and adults “remember” being spanked as children. However, according to Murray A. Straus (2000), during the years 1968 and 1998, “the percent agreeing that a ‘good hard spanking is sometimes necessary’ dropped from near unanimity to 55 percent.”

Do you remember being spanked? How did it shape you? How do you parent now when it comes to discipline?

The Current Studies:

Where were the studies conducted? Duke University, Oklahoma State University, the University of Pittsburgh, Auburn University, and Indiana University.

Where were they published? September/October 2009 issue of Child Development

Who was in the studies? One study followed 500 children from ages 5-16 years and the other study followed 250 children from age 5 to 15 years.

“They should also help parents—especially mothers who are at high risk of using harsh physical discipline because they have children whose behavior is challenging or they are dealing with a lot of stress in their environment—come up with alternate strategies for disciplining their children.”

The research questions: How does discipline change during childhood to adolescence?

Are there factors within the families and children that correlate with these changes?

According to the studies, parents find that physical discipline is less developmentally appropriate as the children grow older.  Those who discontinued physical punishment after their children were young, were less likely to have teens with behavioral problems. For those families who continued to use physical punishment, there children paid for it in behavioral problems.

“Low income, low educational attainment, single parenthood, family stress, and living in a dangerous neighborhood form a constellation of risk that increases the chances that parents will continue to use physical discipline with their children,” Lansford adds. “Parents are also more likely to continue using physical discipline with children who behave aggressively.”

So, what are your thoughts? How were you disciplined and how will you/do you choose to discipline as a parent?

Lansford et al. Trajectories of Physical Discipline: Early Childhood Antecedents and Developmental Outcomes. Child Development, 2009; 80 (5): 1385

As the guest body image blogger for today’s End Fat Talk campaign for Fat Talk Free Week, I really got to thinking about the power of that little size zero in the lives of so many girls and women these days. Such a round number, and yet such a strong dictator of straight lines for all.  Positive body image can’t exist among the masses if we are only celebrating one size.  For the good of our children– for the good of those we love– for the good of ourselves, let’s throw the fat talk where it belongs…in the trash.

The Power of Zero: The Quest for The Perfect Straight Line

Am I fat? Do you see these rolls? Can you believe how fat my butt looks in these jeans?  My goodness; where do we get this stuff? Fat Talk has become so prevalent that it has become more normal to have a conversation about bumps, bulges, and unsightly cellulite to well, not.

I guess this must be our quest for perfect, isn’t it? The perfect zero. I can’t believe I’m even saying that. It used to be a bad thing to be thought of as a zero, now it’s reached godly status.  And the more the better. If 0 wasn’t small enough someone invented the double zero. The triple zero. What’s next? Do we need to start using sizes like 0 to the power of 10? It’s enough to drive a person crazy.

And remember when a 10 was the magic number? Now, that little straight line in front of that zero is scoffed at—berated—and coupled with rolled eyes and an inner body slam—ouch!– on how we could let ourselves go.

A zero—perfectly round and yet demanding of only straight lines. Yes.  The quintessential shape for a woman…is the non-shape.

Now I don’t want to sound like being a zero is bad.  It’s not.  But I would like to put back on the table that it is only 1 little number.  It is neither inherently bad or good—it just is.  And the other numbers we agonize over? They’re fine too.

But it is quite obvious that we play math games with ourselves while in the privacy of our own head or publicly hanging with other women. We subtract points off our self worth as our size and weight go up.  We add them back in as those numbers go down.  Somehow, all the work we do—all the people we touch in our lives—all of our achievements, our successes, our triumphs are trumped by any extra pound, inch, or rising size. Sadly, our self worth becomes the casualty.

And you know what? The only ones that can stop the power of zero is us.  Yes, there are men telling women that nobody wants to see curvy women on the catwalk and that Barbie needs lipo on her supposed cankles —but at the end of the day, it is us, girls, women, and yes, those who love them that have to stand up and say “enough!”

Yes. Enough.

I have heard enough.

I have seen enough.

I am enough.

It is Thursday of Fat Talk Free Week. If you have been successful at stifling the inner critic in your head or the body basher in your life—congratulations—keep going.  Not just this week but every week. This is a life long commitment to body esteem.

And to those of you who haven’t gotten there yet—can I just say it now? You are enough. You are powerful. You are amazing—straight and tall to bodaciously curvy. It’s time for you to say it.  Say it out loud.  To your friends. To your family.  To the girls and women who study with you—work with you- laugh with you. Say it. Say it now.

And then, listen. After all, you need to hear it too.

The Powerful Words Projects this month asked for the students to submit how they are showing discipline in their lives.  I’m proud to say congratulations to these top 3 Powerful Kids! We applaud you!

1. Bryce Logan—who submitted his answer first! He writes from Mr. Prieto’s school, Chun Kuk Do Karate of the Woodlands, and says “I show discipline when I pick up my toys when my Mommy asks me to.” Excellent job, Bryce! The rest of the students at Mr. Prieto’s class must be very proud to have such a disciplined student in their class!
2. Stacy Fizser of Shongum School tells us just how it is when it comes to discipline. She wrote to me and said; “I think the most powerful reason to use discipline is: if you don’t use discipline you won’t be successful in life. You won’t be able to live up to your potential.” Yes, I think you are quite right, Stacy.  Discipline helps us to do what needs to get done in order to achieve the goals we set out to achieve!
3. Kaycie Cutler, age 4 ½ , is a Tiny Tiger Isshinryu karate student at New Jersey Martial Arts Academy in Roxbury, NJ.  Her favorite part of karate is obstacle courses!  She shows discipline by “doing my karate homework!” Great job, Kaycie.  I am sure that your instructors appreciate your discipline!

Terrific job! Keep on being the Powerful students and people that you are! Looking forward to hearing from you next month, when we talk about dependability!

*Sigh.* Am I writing about the same thing everyday? First Karl Lagerfeld then Christian Louboutin. Now, Ralph Lauren is on my “maybe you shouldn’t have a mouth” list or at least please, read the guidebook to know when to keep it shut. I was interviewed for The Daily News on this topic for today’s follow up article here.

Yes, Ralph Lauren has recently fired a gorgeous, size 4 model, because…wait for it, wait for it…she was too overweight!  At 5′10 and 120 pounds, she’s quite the heifer. Now, if a size 4 model is too “overweight” to wear Ralph Lauren’s clothes, what in the world does that say to us?

I’ll tell you what it should say to Ralph Lauren…it’s time to change your clothes unless you would like to continue to alienate 98% of women.  I don’t recall Ralph Lauren labeling his clothes “only for the extremely thin.”  He puts out clothes to a wider audience than that– so what is he saying? He’ll make clothes for us but he thinks we’ll look bad in them? Too bumpy? Too curvy? Too…human?

And how about this lovely ad, obtained from Boing Boing, that was part of a campaign in Japan? It’s so nice of America to spread over warped “fun house” body image across the world.  The model, Filipa Hamilton, was shocked when she saw this.

She should be.  This doesn’t even look like 1% of America.  it looks other-worldly.  And…not in a good way. Her waist is thinner than her head!

Behavior: Fire a size 4 model because she is too “overweight.”

Translation: 98% of American girls and women are “too overweight” to look good in fashionable clothes.

Fallout: Girls learn that they must do whatever it takes to fit themselves into these clothes.  They believe that they must fix their bodies rather than realizing that the designer should fix the clothes…and his brain.

Here is what it says in today’s Daily News:

Child and teen development expert Dr. Robyn Silverman said the touched-up image and the controversy surrounding Hamilton’s firing contribute to body-image complexes in young girls.

“I think we need to get a grip and designers need to get a clue,” she said. “If a stunning size 4 model is too overweight to look good in their clothes, then they need to change their clothes, not the model.”

We all know, as I said on the Santita Jackson radio show on Tuesday, that models are supposed to be walking clothes horses (pretty thin ones, of course) for their designers. No bulges. No bumps. No curves.  We wouldn’t want anything to disrupt our view of the clothes, now would we?

But what these designers are forgetting is that clothes…are meant…to be worn.

At a time when Europe is finally realizing the models should better reflect the women who are actually going to be buying the clothes, America is so far behind it’s facing backwards.  It’s time to get a grip folks.  And while we’re at it, perhaps designers should get a clue.

Your take?

In the spirit of “some people just shouldn’t have a mouth” or perhaps just need a guide book on when to shut it, Christian Louboutin is now on the list.

Mr. Louboutin is designing 3 of our childhood favorites but felt that Barbie needed some plastic surgery…on her ankles…because they were, get this, too fat! Yup.  Barbie comes with her very own body image complex about her ankles. Well, at least they come with fabulous shoes to cover up the unsightly things.

Do your children and teens listen to the external rules guiding them to do what is expected of them in the home, at school, and out in the community? Most of the time? That’s a big part of discipline, our Powerful Word of the Month.  But there is also another part– making sure that they are listening to their own internal rules, which we, at our Powerful Words Member Schools call “I- Rules.” I-Rules tell us what to do when nobody is there to remind us of “the rules” but it also reminds us of our own rules– the rules that are in line with our character– that tell us to keep going when we’re frustrated, be truthful even when we want to lie, and be respectful even when we’re grumpy.

Discipline is an extremely powerful word! I love this word! So it’s exciting that our amazing Powerful Words Member Schools are teaching it this month…and every month