Blog: School Struggles, Learning Disabilities & Other Kid Stuff

NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION: Stay Calm & End the Shenanigans

rselznick — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 19:14:58 +0000

It’s that time again. You know that little pit in the stomach is forming with the start of the school year. I am sure you will be reading various articles and commentary on the top tips for having a great school year.

Here’s my number one tip – resolve to stay calm.

School problems result in a great deal of tension, anxiety and all around teeth gnashing. Most of it is unproductive. As an alternative to the yelling and reactive stress with your child, practice a different style of talking that puts responsibility where it belongs - on your child.

This style involves speaking in "matter-of-fact" tones. Effectively, your approach would be more objective and less reactive.

Take the child that I saw recently, moody Meghan, age 15. Last year, Meghan’s parents spent a lot of time and money taking Meghan to tutoring, much to her dismay. Meghan wasn’t happy about the tutoring, primarily because it interfered with her all important Facebook time. Each week right on cue when it was time to get ready for tutoring, Meghan gave her parents an extremely hard time about going. In response, her parents engaged in yelling and screaming matches, trying to get the moody and recalcitrant Meghan to comply. It was not a pretty picture. This scene occurred twice a week over the course of the year.

When the beleaguered parents talked to me about it, I suggested to them that they adopt an "either - or" posture with Meghan. Rather than go through all the hoops to get Meghan to comply, they were coached to say something like the following:

"Meghan, we know school has been hard. We have tried to get you help. However, you resisted the tutor and gave us grief about going. We then start yelling and screaming at you. It made the household miserable. This is going to stop. We are not going to yell about it anymore. It’s going to be one way or the other. Either you approach tutoring with a reasonable attitude or you are completely on your own with your school work. You decide."

So, this year resolve to end the shenanigans.

Stop the yelling and calmly put responsibility where it belongs!

THE BLIND MEN & THE ELEPHANT: (Dissecting Childhood)

rselznick — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 00:38:08 +0000

"It was six men of Indostan
To learning much inclined,
Who went to see the Elephant
Though all of them were blind,
That each by observation
Might satisfy his mind."

The above comes from the parable of the Blind Men and the Elephant. A group of blind (or men in the dark) touch an elephant to learn what it is like. Each one touches a different part, but only one part, such as the side or the tusk. Of course, each describes the elephant quite differently from their perspective.

Sometimes I feel like we are doing the same with children. Different professionals will identify a certain part of the “elephant” and recommend a treatment from that point of view.

Recently a mom came in to discuss her very pleasant, but struggling 8 year old daughter, Samantha, who had seen many professionals over a two year period.

“So, what was recommended?” I ask.

“Since kindergarten we’ve been on this two year mission to help her,” the mom said. “She just isn’t making progress in reading and the gap is widening.

We first saw an OT who felt there were “sensory issues.” She felt Sam should get Interactive Metronome therapy. Then we read about special colored lenses for reading and found a person in NY who specializes in tinted lens treatment, which she recommended for Samantha. An audiologist then found a central auditory processing disorder and recommend that we go to her office for a year’s computer treatment to address the “auditory issues.” The neurologist we saw wants her on medication. Dietary supplements and spinal manipulation were recommended by the chiropractor. Then there was the “train the brain” program offered at the nearby learning center.

I really have no idea what to do and am overwhelmed by all of this. I just want her to learn how to read better. ”

If reading is the primary concern, then Sam’s mother should seek good reading instruction. It’s common sense.

To hit a tennis ball better, you wouldn’t go for swimming lessons. Why is reading any different? It’s a skill that can be taught and practiced.

Maybe dissecting the elephant so much is not that helpful.

Tags: Learning disabilities, Learning Therapies, Parent Concerns

Are You a "Curling Parent?"

rselznick — Thu, 27 May 2010 21:29:07 +0000

Many of you who watched the last Winter Olympics became captivated by the curious sport of Curling, where players slide a stone across a sheet of ice towards a target area. Probably the oddest looking aspect of the sport are the “Sweepers” whose job it is to sweep ahead of the stone to reduce friction and allow the stone to travel further and to stay straighter.

Danish psychologist Bent Hougaard coined the term “Curling Parent” to refer to those parents who insist on sweeping everything that may get in the way of their child, their own polished stone. Such parents are excessive hoverers, continually making sure that nothing is interfering with or negatively affecting their child. They are always sweeping.

Another term that even the colleges are referring to with increased frequency are “Lawnmower Parents.” Like the Curlers, the Lawnmower Parents look to smooth down and mow over all obstacles that could be in the young person’s path. Such parents may attempt to call the college professors about their child receiving an unsatisfactory grade. Lawnmower parents have even been reported to interfere with the salary negotiations once the child becomes an adult.

Modern parenting has countered what it believes to be the sins of the previous generation’s parenting style.

Have we placed the pendulum too far on the other side? Are we accommodating, modifying, smoothing and making nice to the child’s detriment?

It would certainly seem that a bit of “dusting oneself off” (to borrow a dated term from another generation) and getting back in the game may be of great value to most kids as a life’s lesson.

Tags: Parenting, Parenting Styles

Calculators 'R Us

rselznick — Fri, 21 May 2010 11:48:16 +0000

Martha, age 18, is about to be finished high school. Receiving a 504 Plan in high school, Martha is eagerly anticipating attending college. She comes in to see me for an assessment to help determine what accommodations she may continue to need.

As part of the assessment battery, Martha is asked to complete a page of math calculations. Able to perform some of the basic algebraic problems, Martha struggles with lower level skills such as two digit multiplication (e.g., 29 X 57) and two digit into three digit division (e.g., 451 divided by 22).

While trying to perform these calculations, Martha looks at me blankly. “I can’t do these without a calculator,” she tells me.

I hear this lot from kids I evaluate.

It does appear that for many children the use of the calculator has diminished their capacity to perform certain tasks.
In a similar vein, I hear parents being told when they raise concerns about their child’s poor spelling skills, “Why bother with spelling. They can always use spell check.”

For many children, fundamental skills are difficult to acquire. Such skills take a great deal of practice over time to be internalized and mastered. When a child has difficulty acquiring these skills they should provide some accommodation. Not all will learn at the same pace and some will need much more repetition over time with sensible instruction.

Simply being told not to worry about these skills is questionable practice and one that may be doing them a disservice.

Finding the balance in all of the accommodations and use of technology we are providing kids is the constant challenge and one not easily answered.

There is no doubt that certain skills become lost over time when not used. It's astounding to me that my wife and I don't even know our own kids cell phone numbers.

Why bother when they're easily stored in memory and all you have to do is push a button!

Does Your Child Have Curriculum ADHD?

rselznick — Thu, 13 May 2010 02:00:26 +0000

A mom came in the other day to talk about her struggling eight year old daughter, Hayley, a third grader. She presented with many of the common concerns – difficulty with decoding, reading fluency, spelling and writing,

“What has the school done for her,” I asked.

The mom answered, “Well, in kindergarten she got Wilson Fundations.” “Then in first grade she got Reading Recovery,” she continued. “The Reading Recovery Teacher went out on maternity leave in April and they gave Hayley support with Harcourt Trophies in her regular class. Now they are talking about SRA for next year or Read 180. I really can’t keep up with it. Why do they jump around so much?”

“Sounds like she may have a case of Curriculum ADHD,” I responded. “Curriculum ADHD is characterized by jumping from method to method without every really giving any one a chance to take hold. There’s a lot of that going on these days.”

Response to Intervention (RTI) is the prominent new buzz term in education. (Every 10 years there seems to be a new one.)

My question is this. If a child is not given a sufficient enough time with a particular method, how do we know if he/she is responding to the intervention?

Could curriculum ADHD be contributing to the child’s difficulty?

The Sad “Happy” Life of an American Teenager

rselznick — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 00:59:23 +0000

In my office the other day a young man presented with the usual array of “executive function” difficulties – trouble with initiating, planning and sustaining his mental effort for academics.

To get a better feel for how he spent his time, I asked him to imagine that his time after school was being tracked on a reality TV show. What would we see?

Here’s the picture:

2:30: Gets home. Grabs snacks. Watches TV until about 4:00

4:00 – 6:00 Plays X-Box 360 Live

6:00 – 6:30 Dinner

6:30 – 8:00 (He really couldn’t account for this time other than agreeing that he was “crapping around.”)

8:00 - 9:00 “Sort of starts homework” (However, he fully admitted this “homework time” was mostly interspersed with Facebook, text messaging and instant messaging of some sort or another.)

9:00 – Midnight or later: Prime time for X Box 360 Live.

There it is – his daily nine and a half hours.

Even before Facebook, text messaging and X Box 360 Live, Jane Healey warned us about all of this in her book Endangered Minds (Simon & Shuster) written in 1998.

As she noted in an interview (bit.ly/9X4Pb4)) subsequent to the publishing of her book:

"Every major culture has risen or fallen because of things they failed to notice. And we’re not going to be any exception. I’m not going to say that TV and computers bringing down the culture, but I truly think they can start a process that will dramatically change the character of the culture. And whether people will like what they get is a question no one can answer. "

Help! I'm Being Held Hostage to My IQ

rselznick — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 20:47:15 +0000

Sometimes I think that we have the notion that all of us before being born lined up in heaven to receive our IQ scores. You can almost imagine hearing the announcement from one of God’s helpers, "If you are about to be born step up so that God can stamp a number in your head. You will carry this number around with you wherever you go on earth. Line up everyone. Get your IQ scores!!!!”

Then as the line proceeds you would hear, “OK, let’s see, this one will get a 92- sorry that’s the lower portion of the average range, the 32nd percentile…no one will help you. This one gets a 103 – well, maybe you’ll get help if you need it. You might have enough points. We’ll see how bad your reading is though. Uh, oh, here comes a tough one. Woops, sorry you get an 83 – that’s the 13th percentile. Not likely to be much help for you.”

Fast forward to your time on earth. You’re a child struggling in school. You don’t read very well. Homework is a toothache. Your parents are irritable with you all the time. In short, you need help. Well, what happens if you have one of those unfortunate numbers stamped in your head?

Essentially this is what your parents are told – “We’re sorry, but state regulations are such that there has to be this very large discrepancy between the number that’s stamped in your child's brain and the number we calculate to be the reading score. Otherwise, you’re just out of luck. Too bad. Next case.”

In other words, a child is often held hostage to his/her IQ. I see kids like this all the time. It’s very unfortunate and parents are simply given the wrong message.

Struggling is struggling no matter what label is given to it. If a child is struggling in fundamental, core areas of reading, spelling and writing, he needs help and support, regardless of what mythical number he is carrying in his brain.

“How Do You Measure, Measure a Year”

rselznick — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 02:21:51 +0000

Five hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights
In cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife

Lyrics from: Seasons of Love from the play “Rent”

Here’s another measurement to ponder. Research demonstrates that if you are a difficult child you will be yelled at or reprimanded 65 times a day on average.

Well, I’m not very good in math, but I do know this, the yelling adds up. If a child is reprimanded 65 times a day, that’s 23,725 in a year or 237,250 over a 10 year period.

How’s that for developing self-esteem?

In Thomas Phelan’s book, “1-2-3 Magic,” he states, “the two biggest mistakes that parents and teachers make in dealing with children are: too much talking and too much emotion.”

The emotion he is referring to is anger.

Why do we yell so much?

Is it working?

Perhaps there are other alternatives. Clear, direct, matter-of-fact communication can work wonders. Such communication can save a parent a great deal of wasted energy.

Take, young Caitlin, age 9. Caitlin always dawdles when her parents need to get out the door. Her characteristic dawdling results in a great deal of yelling and screaming to get Caitlin moving in the right direction.

Her mom decided to conserve her energy and not care so much.

“Caitlin, you can either get dressed and ready or we can miss the birthday party. I will be sorry if we miss the party, but it’s up to you,” her mom stated.

That’s it. Whether Caitlin gets dressed on time or misses the party does not matter. Either way is ok. No tension. No yelling.

No adding to the 23,725 ways of “measuring a year.”

Opposite/Difficult Children Part III: “I’ll BE GOOD!!!! I PROMISE!”...(Forget about it)

rselznick — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 00:50:51 +0000

We have been discussing the theme of difficult (opposite) children and how they can cause families to feel like they are being held hostage by their child's challenging behaviors.

In the last post, I suggested that parents were often not to blame for creating their child's behavior, since in most families one or two of the children are typically flexible, while one is more challenging. However, I also noted that the intervention to address the difficult child was to be focused on the parent, not on the child.

Why is this so?

The parent is the point of intervention because the parent has a repertoire of skills that are not available to the child. Even through the teenage years, difficult children have a tough time adopting another person’s point of view. Adults have the luxury of maturity. They can look at a situation, think it through and apply wisdom. Wisdom helps with children, probably more than most parenting books suggest.

With a difficult, opposite child, rapid emotional reactions (yelling) are not helpful. Instead, think strategically on the front end of a situation. How would you like it to go? Let the child know and approach the child in more matter-of-fact tones.

One story will illustrate what I mean.

Marissa, the opposite child under discussion, was always very difficult in stores. Tending to run ahead in the store, she ignored her mother’s insecure sounding pleas to listen. Going to the store would usually end up in a tense scene, typically with mom seething in the car white knuckled, yelling at Marissa.

This time, mom decided to act in a more matter-of- fact, objective tone with Marissa, telling her exactly how things were going to go.

Before going to the store, mom sat Marissa down and spoke with her. "The last time we went to Target it was not fun. You were out of control. I got very upset. It will not happen this way is time,” said Marissa’s mother. “If you ignore me and run ahead, regardless of where we are in the store, we will leave the store immediately and go home, even if we are at the check-out line. I won't yell at you, but when we get home there will be no TV, no computer or any other fun games. Nothing. It will be boring and quiet until bedtime."

Mom asked Marissa what she understood. Marissa was able to state back what she was told.

The key in this situation is for the mom to keep her cool in the store and really follow through. If Marissa misbehaves, that’s fine. It’s a great teachable moment. Even if Marissa is sobbing and pleading, “I’LL BE GOOD!! I PROMISE,” she should be ignored and calmly taken home.

Don’t yell. Don’t lecture. Don’t badger. Be firm, clear and decisive.

Once home pull back a bit – chilly anger is very powerful, much more so than hot anger. At some point you might say “Gee,I’m really sorry, but tonight is going to be very boring.”

The next day, Marissa’s mom can try again. She should ask Marissa, “What happened yesterday in Target?”

When Marisa says, “We left Target because I ran ahead,“ she should confidently say,”correct!!”

“What will happen today in Target if you ignore me, ” Marissa’s mom should ask.

“We will leave Target.”

“Right! We’ll leave and you’ll have another boring night.”

My money’s on Marissa listening a whole lot better this time.

Tags: Difficult Children, Parenting, Oppositional Behavior, Learning Disabilities

PARENTS! YOU'RE OFF THE HOOK (sort of)!!!!!

rselznick — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 12:27:29 +0000

We recently talked about rigid, inflexible and difficult Marissa, age 7 (bit.ly/a7ZFoQ). For the next few blogs, I thought we’d stay on this theme and explore the topic of difficult children a bit more. Over the years so many parents have come to talk to me about children like Marissa who are holding their family hostage as a result of their behavior.

There are some who believe that these kids need a “heavy handed” approach. My secretary, nostalgic for the good old days used to say, “Don’t you think they just need a good smacking?”

Well, many a parent has tried smacking a child like Marissa when she goes into one of her wild, melt-down states. What did it accompish? Most parents do not resort to smacking anymore. They’ve evolved from the sins of previous generations. Replacing smacking, yelling and screaming are now the favored modes of parenting.

When was the last time you felt that yelling really made the situation with your difficult child better? No child that I know has ever turned to her parents saying something like, “Thanks mom and dad for all that screaming – I get it now!”

A first big step toward change (increasing the child’s flexibility and reducing the number of meltdowns) is to embrace a few notions about these rigid, inflexible and difficult children, the ones who go “against the grain” at all times.

1)    These children are temperamentally wired for poor coping. It was not parenting. You did not create this situation. If it was parenting, then Marissa’s siblings would also be melting down. These siblings do not show this behavior. They are flexible and easy-going.
2)    The inflexible kids have a fundamental skill deficit in terms of their characteristic style of problem-solving. It is this lack of skill that results in their rigid style of responding
3)    No amount of yelling, screaming (or smacking) will help. In fact, these will make matters worse.

Once you embrace these notions, then things can change! Guess where the change point is going to be focused? One hint. It’s not on the child, at least not initially.

Even though I firmly believe in point #1, that you did not create the situation, it’s the adults that can reflect on how they are managing these challenging issues and make changes by responding differently.

So, parents, you are off the hook (sort of). Stop blaming yourselves and start looking to how you can change your way of dealing with the child (see next blog post)!!!!!

Tags: Challenging children, Oppositional behavior, Learning disabilities, Parenting