So many feelings accompany trauma: distrust, overwhelmed, alone and lonely, disconnected from the world, empty, helpless, trapped, plus so many more. It is exhausting work due to the constant fight or flight syndrome.  These feelings must be worked through in a specific manner.

I learned the exercises and movements that help ease the trauma, concussion and body aches, the dietary changes that made such a difference, how to change to healing thoughts, what to limit in my life and what to say no to, how to create a safe stable base.  How exactly to use the gift of rest and quietness as healing.  How loving relationships help us heal. Prolonged Grief Disorder and Complex PTSD accompany trauma and also must be dealt with in specific steps.

It takes courage, persistence and trauma focused therapy to heal.  There is help. I had to learn how to reach out and ask for it. You can too.

You are yelled at and criticized, and then, not knowing any better, you stand up for yourself.

 You think this is a way of being strong. You think this is a defense tactic.

But this only provokes more yelling, criticizing, and reminding you daily what’s wrong with you..

Going silent provokes more yelling and complaining, but usually it keeps the threats to a minimum.

It keeps it just at yelling and criticizing and not:  a shove, slap, or backhand, or order to pack your belonging and get out.

So you learn how to go silent.

How to play dead. How to cry without making a noise. How to swallow noise.

How to wipe your cheeks, get out of the car, and go about your day. You pretend.

 You learn.

 And when the yelling and belittling has stopped, when the two of you are in the car or out to dinner and they are all smiles, all asking for favors, or questions,

you are still hurt and annoyed

 and want to ask them, how?

How can you speak to me like that?

How can you act like you did not say those things?

How can you have forgotten?

But you’ve learned.

So you silently listen to,

“Can I borrow you keys’ silently and “How was your day?”

 Once more you play dead. You swallow the noise.

 And sometimes it doesn’t matter who is speaking to you,

It doesn’t matter if they’re a spouse, a friend, a neighbor

It doesn’t matter if their criticism is constructive,

it just doesn’t matter.

 You’ve learned.

Any sort of speaking, any raising of the voice,

any insult and you play dead.

In the New Year, I will live one day at a time. I will make each day one of preparation for better things ahead. I will not dwell on the past or the future, only the present. I will bury every fear of the future, all thought of unkindness and bitterness, all my dislikes, my resentments, my sense of failure, my disappointments in others and in myself, my gloom and my despondency. I will leave all these things buried and go forward, in this New Year, into a new life.

Prayer for the Day

I pray God will guide me one day at a time in the New Year. I pray that for each day, God will supply the wisdom and the strength that I need.

Dr. Sherry Baker Christian Counselor and Christian Life Coach

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Philippians: 4:13

forhisglory@charter.net

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www.drsherrybaker.com/

A gift from Dr. Sherry Baker for your New Year

Children now face the remarriage of their parent to a stranger, an intruder so to say, that just came into their lives. Their feeling are very mixed, mom gives too much attention to this new guy, or dad has very little time to give his children now that this new woman is his wife. His children don’t get along with hers or visa versa. One gets all the chores to do and the step sibling has none. One overindulges with material things and the other doesn’t. One lets their children eat sugar and junk food all day and the other is very health and nutrition focused. One does their child’s homework for them and one sits nightly helping and teaching.

The second chance at love becomes tense and uncomfortable when one parents approach is authoritarian and the others is more of teaching with consequences and rewards. Her/his approach is more gentle and his/hers is harsh and very military style. He approaches her children with strictness and no flexibility stating she is too soft with her kids and he will shape them up. The stars in her eyes become daggers as she attempts to protect her children and the lines get drawn, us against them.

What are the solutions and answers to all this pain? Secure attachment and bonding with all children is the adult’s job, not the children’s. The adults must put their needs and parenting styles that clash aside and begin gently blending. The parent not in the picture or not in the new blended family, must be given respect and time with his/her children. Bad mouthing that parent only lowers you in the eyes of your children. They lose respect for you. That anger and resentment work needed to be done long before the blending began.

Steps must be taken to blend and focus on the children’s needs. They must come first to a large degree. That is not to say the adults don’t set time aside for themselves anymore, after all they dated a lot and spent hours, weeks and months together without the children or only blending them a bit here and there. That was the private courtship time for the adults.

There are so many rewards and blessings when children feel safe, secure and laughter fills the home. Coming home to peace and a nutritious meal at the table together is such a healthy family ritual that offers stability and a bright future for our next generation.

I always tell the adults who come in fuming about his kids or her kids, “they are the ones who will care for you as you age and become ill. They are the ones who will be with you as you draw your last breath preparing your funeral arrangements. They bury you. You may want to approach this with a bit more with Grace.”

If you need help blending call our office.
Love and peace,
Doc

It is easier to blame someone else for your unhappiness than to take responsibility for yourself. Keeping the focus outside of you on someone else’s behavior (they did this, they didn’t do that, they said this, they didn’t say that) defines victim mentality. 

It is easier to hold someone or something responsible for your own pain than to take responsibility for ending your own victimhood.

Solution:

Take responsibility for your life. Stop hyper-focusing on another persons life and behaviors.  Start to do things differently. Look inside. Get off their back, get out of their way, and get on with your life. 

Have a beautiful God blessed day.
Doc

]]> https://drsherrybaker.com/defining-a-victim.html/feed 0 https://drsherrybaker.com/pretending.html https://drsherrybaker.com/pretending.html#respond Sun, 08 Jul 2018 18:09:48 +0000 https://drsherrybaker.com/?p=1928

Many play pretend to survive and get through difficult circumstances. We brush things under the carpet. We turn a blind eye. We no longer talk about it. Deny. Deny. Deny. We live two lives.

One is the pretend life that we present to others, Facebook, and even ourselves. It is much more comfortable than living in the real painful, messy, chaotic life that is ours.

Two worlds: one that is denied and one that is created as an illusion of perfection – “everything is fantastic”. We wear two faces: our true self and our false self.

It takes tremendous energy to keep these two worlds separate so they don’t touch, get revealed or collide. We seek out ways to have our illusion mirrored back to us. We seek out normalcy in any way we can; selfies of us doing activities, bragging about ________. We breathe deeply and feel safer and attempt to put distance between us and our fears.

There is a truth in AA, “you are as sick as your secrets”. In other words the bigger the gap in our two lives, the more we pretend, the sicker we get.

My occupation has been joked about as “shrinks”. No, we don’t shrink you or your head (honest – no measurements are taken). However, for good mental health we must shrink the pretend world (false self) and incorporate this hidden secret world with our true self. We shine a light on it, embrace it and claim the not-so-perfect parts of our lives. We search out solutions, set goals, create a plan and get busy claiming our real, authentic self.

That is what I call relief and freedom. A life saved. A life worth living. A life filled with hope. A life free of perfection and, at times, laughable. But it is our life! No more lying, covering up, justifying, or minimizing. It is what it is. Blue is blue, black is black and joy is joy!

“To thine own self be true” is a recovery slogan found on most coins given for clean time. I am forever grateful for recovery, truth and being authentic at all times. No secrets, lies, or hiding. God, I thank you for your grace, mercy, and forgiveness.

Stay cool everyone.

Doc

Parent Child Sexual Abuse

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Forming a self-identity of their own, separate from their parents, is a necessary developmental step. Who they are, what makes them different, and how can they make it their very own is their search for a personal identity.

Their self-identity is made up of many parts:  what they eat, how they dress, what they like to do, being introverted or extroverted, anxious or calm, and their body image. All of these – plus many more – form an individual self, separate from their parents.

When parents allow individuation the child/teen begins to grow and thrive. When parents micromanage and attempt to make little clones of themselves children atrophy, withdraw, and resign themselves to a stagnant state or they rebel and take off in one form or another.

As I work with teens I see many of them struggling to form an identity of their own. Often, parents insist they make choices that mimic theirs. As a result, the teen will struggle, become depressed and apathetic. They give up caring. Erik Erickson calls this “identity confusion”. This is the fifth developmental stage they must master to grow, mature, and thrive.

How can a parent help their teen? Show them warmth and respect, and avoid the tendency to be too controlling or too passive. Be genuinely interested in their lives. Allow differences. Model and display constructive ways of dealing with conflict and problems. Help them structure their time and lives. And remember: becoming an adult takes time, love, support and letting go of control. Allow them to make choices and be different from you.

Have a blessed day everyone. And tell your teen you love them through your actions.
Doc