Twitter / DrTwittenheimer

DrTwittenheimer: I like my women how I like my coffee -- not ruined by tattoo ink.

Sun, 27 May 2012 13:44:27 +0000

DrTwittenheimer: I like my women how I like my coffee -- not ruined by tattoo ink.

DrTwittenheimer: I like my coffee how I like my women -- not wearing a stupid bra that is hard to undo.

Sun, 27 May 2012 12:38:25 +0000

DrTwittenheimer: I like my coffee how I like my women -- not wearing a stupid bra that is hard to undo.

DrTwittenheimer: Those toddler-sized shopping carts that say CUSTOMER IN TRAINING are so adorable, in a "dear lord, our society is awful" sort of way.

Sun, 27 May 2012 12:37:29 +0000

DrTwittenheimer: Those toddler-sized shopping carts that say CUSTOMER IN TRAINING are so adorable, in a "dear lord, our society is awful" sort of way.

DrTwittenheimer: Does anyone know how to get chocolate stains out of a light blue dress shirt? Thinking of buying a light blue dress shirt.

Sun, 27 May 2012 11:55:56 +0000

DrTwittenheimer: Does anyone know how to get chocolate stains out of a light blue dress shirt? Thinking of buying a light blue dress shirt.

DrTwittenheimer: "Can we please just stop and ask someone for a calendar?" - Female passenger in a time machine

Sun, 27 May 2012 04:59:34 +0000

DrTwittenheimer: "Can we *please* just stop and ask someone for a calendar?" - Female passenger in a time machine

DrTwittenheimer: Tonight's special: all the shrimp you can catch and eat.

Sun, 27 May 2012 04:56:30 +0000

DrTwittenheimer: Tonight's special: all the shrimp you can catch and eat.

DrTwittenheimer: Nuclear families have the nastiest fall-outs. Often over the use of terrible puns.

Fri, 25 May 2012 20:03:06 +0000

DrTwittenheimer: Nuclear families have the nastiest fall-outs. Often over the use of terrible puns.

DrTwittenheimer: Leviticus 11: 7-8 forbids bacon. If you enjoy bacon, SHUT UP ABOUT WHAT THE BIBLE PROHIBITS.

Fri, 25 May 2012 20:01:30 +0000

DrTwittenheimer: Leviticus 11: 7-8 forbids bacon. If you enjoy bacon, SHUT UP ABOUT WHAT THE BIBLE PROHIBITS.

DrTwittenheimer: "I think it'd be quite pleasurable if we engaged in sexual intercourse"? Ha! That's what she said!

Fri, 25 May 2012 16:31:35 +0000

DrTwittenheimer: "I think it'd be quite pleasurable if we engaged in sexual intercourse"? Ha! That's what she said!

DrTwittenheimer: @btemps No worries. And I can relate.

Thu, 24 May 2012 15:55:20 +0000

DrTwittenheimer: @btemps No worries. And I can relate.

DrTwittenheimer: It can't be a coincidence that the one thing every survival show host brings with them into the wilderness is a camera crew.

Thu, 24 May 2012 15:49:45 +0000

DrTwittenheimer: It can't be a coincidence that the one thing every survival show host brings with them into the wilderness is a camera crew.

DrTwittenheimer: Releasing nitrous oxide into a colleague's office may sound like a mean prank, but he seemed to find it pretty funny.

Thu, 24 May 2012 15:01:49 +0000

DrTwittenheimer: Releasing nitrous oxide into a colleague's office may sound like a mean prank, but he seemed to find it pretty funny.

DrTwittenheimer: I have very good hand-eye coordination but, at best, only average foot-nose coordination.

Thu, 24 May 2012 15:00:44 +0000

DrTwittenheimer: I have very good hand-eye coordination but, at best, only average foot-nose coordination.

DrTwittenheimer: The "breakfast of champions" is whatever they eat before they go and practice all day.

Thu, 24 May 2012 13:08:16 +0000

DrTwittenheimer: The "breakfast of champions" is whatever they eat before they go and practice all day.

DrTwittenheimer: I know it's unwise to put all my eggs in one basket, which is why I have invested all my savings in a large collection of baskets.

Wed, 23 May 2012 20:01:48 +0000

DrTwittenheimer: I know it's unwise to put all my eggs in one basket, which is why I have invested all my savings in a large collection of baskets.

DrTwittenheimer: Saying that something is "not half bad" sounds too negative. Can't we say that it's "slightly more than half good"?

Tue, 22 May 2012 22:35:52 +0000

DrTwittenheimer: Saying that something is "not half bad" sounds too negative. Can't we say that it's "slightly more than half good"?

DrTwittenheimer: "I put my pants on one leg at a time." - Centipede who takes a really long time to get dressed

Mon, 21 May 2012 13:55:19 +0000

DrTwittenheimer: "I put my pants on one leg at a time." - Centipede who takes a really long time to get dressed

DrTwittenheimer: Facebook made $16 billion? Those Dinklebutt twins must be rolling in their graves.

Mon, 21 May 2012 13:54:26 +0000

DrTwittenheimer: Facebook made $16 billion? Those Dinklebutt twins must be rolling in their graves.

DrTwittenheimer: Don't worry, that hideous creature in the mirror is just as scared of you as you are of it.

Sun, 20 May 2012 00:22:55 +0000

DrTwittenheimer: Don't worry, that hideous creature in the mirror is just as scared of you as you are of it.

DrTwittenheimer: Looks like the movies Battleship and Twister are about equally true to the games of the same names.

Sat, 19 May 2012 22:20:08 +0000

DrTwittenheimer: Looks like the movies Battleship and Twister are about equally true to the games of the same names.