Drawing Maps of China

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to a Cure

noreply@blogger.com (Maps of China) — Sun, 20 May 2012 23:21:00 +0000

Not funny, funny, but funny strange..
I became a mom-nurse.
According to Jillian, there is room for improvement in my needle sticking.
And since I was never very good at math, I get confused on the angle of sticking.
But we have learned to laugh through our tears.
and
Carry on.

Do You Really Want to Know????

noreply@blogger.com (Maps of China) — Sun, 20 May 2012 16:54:00 +0000

Timelines. Life Lines. Picc Lines. Blind Spots. Blind Landings. What do these words have in common? These words tell stories in my life.

When I want to write, or should I say "must write", it is usually the same way a song writer might have just a couple notes stuck in his head and he doesn't know where they are going until, after hundreds of replays, they become free and create a song.

I have a blog because I must write, and the sad part is I usually find lots of other things to do, plenty of other noise in my head and I tune into it because it helps me ignore what clamors to be said.

I avoid the writing because the writing makes it all too real and unavoidable. As long as the words are just random and unrelated and bouncing around in my head, they do not become the song or the story I have no choice but to acknowledge.

However, ignoring the words does not give me comfort.

Then there comes a time when there is no peace to be found by keeping the words to myself. The song creates itself, and the story, even if terrifying is a story worth telling. Or, at the least, there is the hope that by releasing the story, some of it's energy will leave me.

It may come as no surprise (now) to know my first elective in college was titled, "Asian Women Studies". I can't remember why I chose it, but it surely was not because I thought it related to my life in any way. At that place and time, I didn't even know an Asian woman to call friend. Yet I read all the books, took all the notes, and did a final project on Women in China, specifically the new One Child Policy. I took it all very seriously for no other reason than a grade.

I never considered I was learning something destined to impact my life almost thirty years later. I never considered it was so much more than a grade from a professor. My limited life experiences gave me such limited vision, I could not even imagine what was to come to me.

When my third daughter was born twelve weeks premature, I learned about living with huge uncertainty, I learned to trust the unknown, and I learned survival mode. I was completely centered on keeping one small being alive and not in any way aware I was being prepared for other times where survival mode ability would be important for, well, survival.

A few years later I entered a business involving educational toys and software, for my own benefit, never seeing that I was learning how easily I could teach my own children and not seeing the coming change of homeschooling and how it shifted the focus of our family from seeking acceptance from the outside world to creating our own social system within our home.

Many years later, a Letter of Intent, a beginning piece of adopting through the China Waiting Child program, asked me why I felt qualified to parent a child with special or unknown needs, and I realized I had been preparing for this all along. It was easy to believe I could do it because I had been on this path for so long.

Everything made sense.

And then it didn't.

Suddenly my life felt like a train speeding down a track, knowing the bridge was out, but unable to slow down. I'm still on the train, but we are stuck in slow motion free fall..

I have a child with a chronic disease.

I have a child with constant pain and anxiety, for whom all pharmaceutical mixtures have failed.

I have a child who struggles to eat a bite of food, who can no longer read, and suffers from tremors, and a long list of other symptoms no 17yo wants to deal with.

I have a child who knows that no matter how bad or scary her symptoms are, going to the hospital will not help her.

I have a child with Chonic Late Stage Neurological Lyme Disease.

The politics of this disease are as scary as the symptoms. The politics are the reason we have to travel seven hours for her to receive appropriate care. The symptoms are the reason we live in a heightened state of fight or flight.

In rare moments of calm, I understand all the ways I was also prepared for this experience. When Cami and Delilah came home to us from China, I learned about trauma, sensory issues, the effects of heightened or lowered cortisol levels. Everything I learned through adoption has helped me understand at least a little the daily hell Jillian lives through.

And even while I understand I have been preparing for this my whole life..... I do not feel ready. I do not feel worthy. I do feel thankful for the little rays of sunshine God placed in our family to help ease the suffering simply by being six year olds..

But.....

We are barely getting through the days here. And it is taking every ounce of energy in every cell of my being to hold us all together.... even though I know ultimately I cannot do even that.

I am trying to breathe. Trying to ease the tight ache in my chest.

Trying to find the niche I had carved out in survival mode but I seem to have lost my way.

I'm searching for peace.

I am trying to crawl out from the blanket of depression, anxiety and fear. I am searching for the light.

And I do not want to consider what I might be preparing for now................

God of the Empty Spaces

noreply@blogger.com (Maps of China) — Sat, 05 May 2012 22:21:00 +0000

I've heard many definitions of what God is, what He does, and I've known Him to be both very close to me and other times seemingly unreachable.

Over the past few months, I've come to understand that to describe the God of my imagination is to put God in a box, to diminish Him

I have also started to understand that when I think God is not near, it's merely my point of view, limiting my ability to know God in that moment.

My blog has been silent.

I have felt like I had little to say.

I didn't want to admit life was too hard to describe, or that there was no good lighting for photographing my days. I did not want to reach out from the darkness. It became common to feel locked alone and silent.

Did God foget about me? Not at all. I just forgot to recognize Him.

The other night, reading in my bed, I saw something written by C.S. Lewis, and I smiled because He pointed out exactly where God is.

He wrote about those times when we don't think we can walk another step, but we do.....when.we walk into another room and smile another smile, and give something from our heart to someone who needs it, that is God.

When we are at the breaking point and ready to give up............. but we don't, we keep going just a little longer, a little further, that is God.

When we hear alot of bad news, but still we hang onto the slip of a hope and we carry it around with us, like a child with an old beloved blanket, that is God.

God is in the Empty Spaces.

In the Impossibilities.
In the getting out of bed when we thought we couldn't.
In the finding smiling patience when we thought we wouldn't.

God is in those place, all those Empty Spaces,
where WE never planned to be

when we keep on moving, speaking, believing in a better day
that part
is
God.

Obstacle as Journey

noreply@blogger.com (Maps of China) — Tue, 02 Aug 2011 00:33:00 +0000

Posting again after such a long break, makes me feel I should offer some explanation.  I have none.  Only life.   The day to day business that doesn't seem noteworthy when seeing one day at a time, but becomes something bigger when seen as history.

So I guess we have been busy making history, making memories, discoveries, and changes.

L (23) is still in Australia.  After working as nannies, house painters, and boot models, she and D saved enough money to buy a very cool van (imagine a small house with wheels) and head into the Australian Outback.   Even though she warned me she would be without internet contact most of the time, her one post about coming upon a 17 foot crocodile and being in the most remote part of the world she had ever seen left me anxious to hear she is back in civilization.  I miss her.  I want to sit on the couch and talk about recipes and websites and art.  She will be back one day and I will be here.

K(21) is in Recovery.  Glorious, wondrous, miraculous, one-step-forward-one-step-back, recovery.   It is a rocky and beautiful road.  There is such joy in receiving him back into the family, watching relationships grow again, reaching for a hug and finding he is really there.  It's living a second chance, everyday.  He is working now with his dad, and those days of male bonding are helping make up for lost days, and months and years.  Trust still walks on a tightrope and none of us are exactly sure how to handle some situations.   But we carry on.  And I keep believing if he can stay clean, eventually we can figure all the other puzzles out together. 

J(16) has finally found medical help.  She has suffered for so long with unrelenting pain, anemia, migraines, and many other seemingly unconnected symptoms.  We were sent to one specialist after another and no one could help her, even though they were all eager to run all their tests on her and give her their medicine.  We spent a year in disbelief that no doctor could do anything to help her pain.   Finally, after what we think has been possibly nine years of fighting infection, she was diagnosed with Lyme Disease.   She has begun treatment which includes herbal supplements, vitamins, antibiotics, and special dietary changes.   We are amazed at the change in her in just this short time.   I don't want to celebrate too early, but I think she is responding very well and her body has begun to heal.  

Cami (5) started kindergarten with me in May.   She is learning so fast.  She began reading right away, as if she just needed the key to unlock the mystery.  She also loves math.  She is willing to do any work I ask of her, sometimes willing to work longer than my focus can last.  She loves our Monday morning trips to the library, now with her own library card and bag of books.  She goes to gymnastics two days a week and never forgets to say her prayers.

Delilah (5) had her birthday in July.   On that day she enjoyed her first trip to Build a Bear.  Afterward we had cake at Grandmom's and she opened her presents.  Grandmom gave her an amazing "Queen of Atlantis" dress up costume.  I don't think she took it off for two full days!  Delilah is an incredible swimmer and she might be part mermaid.  She tells me it's true.  She also goes to gymnastics and I am thinking she might enjoy a dance class in the Fall.

Mark is busy with plenty of work this summer.   With long strings of days where the temperature reaches above 95 degrees, it's a touch time to work outside.   But we don't complain.  Having work is always good.   

I am trying to stay cool mostly, in between taking the girls where they need to go, stocking groceries, learning to cook gluten-free and keeping our house in some mild form of disarray.  I'm enjoying my Artist Trading Card swaps and other paper and altered art.   On these hot afternoons I like to set the girls up at the kitchen table with paints and paper, markers and glue, and we make art for hours.  

It's a special season in my life and I want to soak it all in.   There is a quote in Zen philosophy that says, "The Obstacle is the Journey".  I try to remember that.   Of course we have challenges, we have struggles, and stress that sometimes makes the day feel like mine field.  Six of us living here now means there are many relationships and at any given moment someone may be on top of the world, and someone else nursing a bruised ego, and in another room someone telling me they are hungry.   I try not to enter into the "journeys" that do not belong to me.   I try to remember that every obstacle along my path is a chance to grow and learn.  I try to hear the voice of God.  I may not always be sure I hear Him clearly, but His fingerprints are everywhere.

And with this short update, you have my word, I will begin to write again.

Trees Are For Climbing

noreply@blogger.com (Maps of China) — Sat, 09 Apr 2011 20:09:00 +0000

Tree climbing is a rite of passage for little girls I think. I remember being proud I could climb any tree as high as any boy in my neighborhood.

I remember sitting in a tree feeling so hidden by the limbs and leaves, enjoying watching the world go by from my private place. I really thought no one could see me, and often I was right about that.

I remember two large Mimosa trees in my grandparents yard. I think when God created trees, he made the Mimosa especially for children to climb! The large, sturdy trunks and limbs needed just a sprinkle of imagination to become ships or forts or castles. My grandfather told me a few times the Mimosa trees were not healthy and should be cut down. I think he left them standing longer than he wanted just because we played in them so much. And I'm so glad he did!

My childhood is full of great memories involving trees, so when I saw my girls climbing a tree for the first time in our backyard, I knew I wanted to capture the moment. And I can see in their eyes they have discovered the magic too!

Now in this quiet moment, reflecting on their fun, I'm called to remember the children who do not have trees to climb and the ones whose bodies do not cooperate with their dreams and so they can only imagine climbing.

I am thankful for the joy my girls shared with me outdoors today and I am prayful for the children living a different story. May God have mercy. And may I never forget them and never stop trying to relieve suffering, wherever it is found.

What are Sisters Made Of?

noreply@blogger.com (Maps of China) — Wed, 30 Mar 2011 21:48:00 +0000

Everytime someone asks me if Cami and Delilah are sisters, I cringe a little inside. I cringe because I know what they are really asking and I know what they will say when I answer, "Yes, these two are sisters".

They will then want to know if they are REALLY sisters.

Deep Sigh. Sometimes I just say yes and move on. I don't feel I owe the world a genetic background check just because they are curious. Sometimes the trail of questions jumps the track and people want to know if my girls are twins. They aren't the same age or the same size, but I find people generally don't look much further than the fact that they are Chinese. That is not enough to make them twins.

Most of the time I try to keep these encounters short and as sweet as possible, guarding first the feelings and comfort of my children, and then the questioning adults. There is no reason my girls unknown family tree needs to be brought out and examined just because someone who thinks all Chinese people look alike has some time to kill.

Recently I started thinking about the sisterhood of my two youngest girls. What people usually don't know is that not only are they sisters to each other, but there are actually four sisters in our family, along with one brother. All these relationships are unique and usually they go unnoticed and unquestioned.

The relationship drawing the most interest seems to be the youngest duo dancing a tango to their own music, making it up as they go along. Watching their dance has been one more unexpected fringe benefit to adoption. It's been one more chance witness a miracle unfolding in front of me! I'm thankful to be their mom with a front row seat.

When siblings are born into a family, they come as small helpless babies that might make noise, but they don't move around alot. For Cami, gaining Delilah as a sister was a sudden jolt into the reality of having a noisy and fast moving person taking up lots of her space, touching all her things, and claiming her most treasured possessions.......her mom and dad! Cami was 3 and Delilah was 2 years old on that hot, steamy afternoon in the Galactic Peace hotel in Hohhot, Inner Mongolia when Delilah limped into our life like a colorful, somewhat frightening, sometimes magical character in a fairytale. (The limp was a surprise. She had been in a bike accident just days before we arrived. Her foot was caught in the spokes and it was by the Grace of God that she suffered no worse harm) If you've been in China or seen the traffic, you know the lives of the bike riders are constantly at risk!

Below is a photo Cami, Delilah, and mom and dad, taken just a few minutes after we met our newest daughter.

And a bit later, this classic photo shows that Cami might be just a little stressed. The poor child she is playing with is our guide's precious little girl. How do you like this for an adoption poster-child? LOL! Can't you just feel the love!

Anyway, my point of writing is to describe the sister relationship and how it evolved. Cami had been well prepared for her little sister coming home. At least I thought she had been prepared. Look back, it's striking to remember she was only three years old and had heard her first word in English only about a year earlier. I will never know what she really expected.

Yet somehow both girls had an instinct for becoming sisters.

Becoming sisters is wearing matching pajamas and brushing your teeth while making faces in the mirror.

Becoming sisters is sitting side by side on a bus, unable to speak the same language, holding hands instead.

Becoming sisters is sharing mom's lap, sharing a bowl of noodles and a bottle of water.

Becoming sisters is sharing sleep and bubble baths and a stroller.

To be fair, it was not all rainbows and unicorns during those first weeks. Without language, toddler girls pull out rather primitive means of settling their differences.

We went to a family cookout soon after coming home from China and one of the little cousins later told her mom she could tell which girl was which. She said, "Delilah has the black eye and Cami has the scratches on her throat". Please see Exhibit A posted below!

But still, they held hands. They identified as sisters, as one of a pair, of part of something special. Before our second adoption, I spoke with an attachment therapist and she gave me a couple incredibly helpful bits of advice:

She said, "Treat the girls as one unit. Bathe them together, feed them together....if you kiss one, immediately kiss the other". The therapist indicated that both girls would be watching (very closely) to make sure they were equally loved.

And then she told me, "Never leave them alone with each other".

These words were the most practical and helpful advice I received while planning our adoption.

The weeks rolled into months and our life shifted and changed and we were molded into something entirely new. We were also beaten and pounded, by work, by exhaustion, and we stayed in survival mode for a very long time. We were, and we remain, a work in progress.

We were and we are also becoming........something new.....

Cami was not always pleased with her little sister. Cami keeps her world in order. Delilah was like a hurricane.

One amazing quality Delilah brought to life was imagination. We didn't realize how little pretending Cami had been doing until Delilah burst on the scene..... part princess, part power ranger, and always in costume!

True, authentic, and healing play began even before the scratches and bruises had healed. And everyday now they play from morning to night. Playing is a good way to become sisters.

Since we were treating them as a unit, for the first six months or so, the girls were not separated. I remember the first time I took only one of them out. Delilah had an eye appointment and I let Cami stay home with her big sister. I had not given much thought to how significant this separation was for them. It was touching to see them come back together after that hour apart and hug and kiss as if they had not seen each other in years. And they still react the same way, even today, after every separation.

Not only are they sisters, but they realize they were not always sisters, and I like to think they have some awareness of the huge and beautiful forces that moved mountains and more in order to bring them together.

As I watch them playing now, rolling out play dough cookies for the Queen's birthday, I am in awe of their communion, the way they fit together, perfect puzzle pieces, in spite of, or because of all the ways they are different.

I don't claim to know how it all happened, but there is something I know to be true.

These girls became sisters. And it was more than a coincident, the way we have all ended up altogether.

A Million Miles in a Thousand Years

noreply@blogger.com (Maps of China) — Fri, 25 Mar 2011 17:35:00 +0000

Every once in a while I stumble upon a book so vivid and alive I am forced to read pages more than once, crawl out of bed in search of a pencil for underlining, and tell everyone who will listen about the things I have learned from reading.

"A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" by Donald Miller is just that sort of book.

The subtitle of the book is, "What I Learned While Editing My Life". Donald Miller shares with readers the experience of editing his life for the sake of a documentary movie.

And he shares something even bigger. The truth is that as long as we are alive we can edit our life, we can tell a different story. Let that soak in. It is exhilarating to imagine how we might begin today to alter history by taking the first step towards changing our future, and even more importantly, the future of our world and the way life turns out for others! How much change? How many others? Each one of us will find our own answers if we are willing to awaken and fully participate in the precious gift of our life.

Miller writes, "I thought about heaven, about how if we were shooting a movie about heaven, at the airport, we would want to shoot it there, and how in the movie, people would be arriving from earth and from other planets, and when the angels picked us up, they'd put us in their cars and drive a million miles for a thousand years...and it would be miserable....until we got to where we were supposed to stay......"

He continues, "I wonder if that's what we'll do with God when we are through with all this, if he'll show us around heaven, all the light coming in through windows a thousand miles away, all the fields sweeping down to a couple of chairs under a tree, in a field outside the city......."

"And we'll sit and tell him our stories, and He'll smile and tell us what they mean........I just hope I have something interesting to say".

If you enjoy thinking about life and considering the impact your choices and actions have on the lives of others, this book will feed your imagination. If you have a desire to create a new story with your life, one that you would be proud to tell God or anyone, then this book will be food for your soul!

Girl in Translation

noreply@blogger.com (Maps of China) — Thu, 24 Mar 2011 14:02:00 +0000

"Girl in Translation" is a novel by Jean Kwok. It is a coming of age story about a girl who moves from Hong Kong to New York at the age of 11. What she and her mom dreamed was a chance for a better life following her father's untimely death, turned out to be a plan by an oppressive and greedy relative to find cheap labor for her factory.

As the mother worked long hours in sweat shop conditions, Kimberly attended school and found her niche in which to succeed. After school, she joined her mother at the factory, and then they returned to a run down apartment without heat or furniture.

Though it seemed a dismal life, secretly these strong protagonists made plans to rise above the prejudices and family jealousies. Kimberly earned a scholarship to a prestigious private school and developed a special relationship with one of the young men in the factory.

In the end, goodness prevailed, hard work paid off, and the world seemed a much brighter place. The story was interesting and well written. The struggles and perserverence presented here are character traits worth striving for in any situation, but it seems especially important to consider how difficult it can be moving into a new culture and language and still finding a way to succeed.

Whenever I read a story such as "Girl in Translation", I am moved by the courage in the face of overwhelming difficulties, and I'm left wondering if I could find it in myself to ever be so brave.

My Name is Mary Sutter

noreply@blogger.com (Maps of China) — Fri, 18 Mar 2011 17:47:00 +0000

Book Review #1

"My Name is Mary Sutter", written by Robin Oliveira, is the story of a second generation midwife who has a single driving desire, to become a doctor.   A victim of her time in history, this bright and courageous woman is refused admittance to medical schools and apprenticeships just because she is female.   Her spirit is frustrated but not broken.

The characters come to life beautifully as family, love lost, babies born, babies lost, solders, nurses and doctors.

When the Civil War breaks out, Mary is determined to take her medical skills to the field and help the soldiers,  with or without permission.

She is eventually able to work with a doctor in one of the makeshift hospitals full of injured and dying men.   If you like historical fiction or the Civil War period, this book will capture your attention from beginning to end.   I was led to consider so many factors about the war that I was never taught to think about in history class.  I had never considered how thousands of men, volunteering for war could be fed, given clean water, or kept healthy when they descended on an area.   It is sobering to realize this was a time without electricity, or phone lines, or running water.

I also learned that the most common injury soldiers suffered without being instantly killed was the loss of a leg from being struck by a musket ball.   Most of what the field doctor did was amputations.   Other injuries mercifully were mortal.   The amputations were described with great detail, which again gave me insight into the limits a surgeon had during this period of history.  Mary Sutter learned a great deal by assisting the doctor performing amputations in a primitive setting, and I did too!   Unfortunately, antibiotics had not yet been invented, so after surviving a brutal amputation, most men died from infection.

Let me state clearly, this is not a gory book.  The frank historical information is truth that cannot be ignored.  The writer handled it with dignity.  Mary is presented as a tireless character whose heart for medicine continued to push her onward through every imaginable heartbreak and set back.

Along with the historical and medical themes, there are are story lines concerning romance, family, and dreams lost and found. I enjoyed every twist and turn of this story, and found Mary Sutter to be a character I will long remember with admiration. Maybe she lived, maybe she didn't, but I have no doubt there were many women like her, unsong heroes in our country's history.

Sick Beds Anyone?

noreply@blogger.com (Maps of China) — Wed, 09 Mar 2011 23:51:00 +0000

There is an interesting story in my family about the day my grandfather was accidentally shot. He lived on a farm with his parents and his 11 siblings. One afternoon his older brother was sitting on the porch cleaning a shot gun and it went off, sending a bullet out into the yard, and ultimately into my grandfather's abdomen.

Luckily, his family owned a car so they put my grandfather in the back and some number of the worried family headed 25 miles to the hospital in town. One of the fascinating details of the story is that the bullet entered his body in the area of the navel. But due to the very bumpy country roads and the early edition (bumpy) car, by the time he arrived at the hospital, the doctor could not locate the bullet. Surgery was performed and the bullet was finally found about six inches lower, having been bumped down that distance by the ride into town.

My grandfather survived with a wicked scar and a most excellent story to tell the rest of his life.

One detail of the story that captured my attention as a child was my grandfather's description of his first memory of working on the farm.. He said every morning, as his family headed out to work in the fields, his mother put the baby in a hole that had been dug in the dirt. Because my grandfather was next to the youngest, his job was to stand by that hole all morning and push the baby back in if she tried to climb out. To him, all the other jobs looked infinitely more interesting I'm sure!

Just a few years ago, I found an actual news story about the shooting incident, written in the local newspaper. It was written in that captivating style of days gone by and places gone forever where the reporter could assume everyone in the town knew each other and enjoyed hearing all sorts of endearing details about the people involved in the news.

Even though I can't remember a time in my life when I did not know this piece of family history, once I had the chance to read the written news report, I was struck by a completely different perspective. I found myself drawn to the character of the mother in the story. She was my great, great grandmother and I never knew her in this life.

I know she lived on a farm without electiricity, and she worked every day indoors and outdoors. She lived without electricity, but she could bake amazing Black Walnut Cakes and coconut pies. I can't imagine how she did it all without light or central heat, a dishwasher, or electric washing machine. And she managed to give birth to 14 children, 12 of which lived to adulthood.

As I read the news article, most of the details were familiar to me, and I was pleased that through the telling and re-telling we had managed to keep mostly honest. But there was one part of the story no one had ever shared with me. There was one sentence that jumped out at me and haunts me even now.

The article read, "In spite of having pneumonia, Lucy B got up out of her SICK BED when she heard that her young son had been shot in the front yard". Wow. I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around the idea of a sick bed. How did a woman with 12 children manage to spend time in her "sick bed"????

All I can come up with is that during this period in history, before antibiotics, if you became ill, you went to bed and either you got better or you didn't. That's what my historical thinking brain tells me. But my mother brain can't stop thinking about all the things that fall apart and don't get done if happen to take a nap. I've been a mom for 24 years, and I've never taken to my sick bed!!!!

I'm not saying it was a sign of weakness on her part. Not at all! I am sure this woman could run circles about me and my whimpy little microwave warm ups and numb back side from typing on my labtop! She is my hero! But how did she do it? The logistics of it puzzle me.......

Have you ever spent time in your sick bed? Have you ever had crazy thoughts when the doctor says you need to "go home and take it easy for a few days" or, the one I love, "stay off your feet". It's not only not possible, but the disasters that would await me when I got back on my feet, would certainly undo any healing that took place during my rest.

So I puzzle over how it must have felt to be so sick and have none of the modern conveniences. And I try to imagine how it was to stop everything and take to a "sick bed". It was a different time. I wish I could travel back into that era. No doubt this woman could teach me many things. She was definitely strong and smart, hardworking and creative.

Yes, an ancestor such as this woman could teach me many things that have been lost by our modern way of life.....I'm sure I would be astonished to learn what her daily life was like. And if it I was able to spend time with her, I bet there would be a twinkle in her almost familiar eyes as she took me by the hand and showed me how to take to a sick bed when needed.

Faces of Special Needs Adoption

noreply@blogger.com (Maps of China) — Mon, 07 Mar 2011 23:34:00 +0000

I belong to a yahoo group that advocates for children in China who are waiting for a family to call their own. These children are considered to have "special needs".

In an attempt to remove some of the stigma and fear surrounding the special needs label, real families have been asked to write a blog post to share the secret!

Do you know the secret?

Once the secret is out, my hope is more families will look beyond the scary sounding medical terms and see the precious child who WILL amaze you if given a chance to live up to his or her potential.

The secret is..... these are children first and foremost. They are so much more than the sum of their medical needs. And they will thrive with the love and care of a family.

We have adopted twice through China's Special Needs program.

Cami was born cleft affected. Her lip surgery was performed by a female craniofacial surgeon at a large medical center thanks to a grant from Love Without Boundaries.

We were with her for her palate repair and though she most likely will need one more surgery, braces, and speech therapy for a while longer, these needs are not out of the range of normal for any child born today.

Cami is a smart and active little girl who loves to draw and go to gymnastics.

When we planned to adopt a second time through the China Special Needs program, we surprised ourselves by falling in love with a little girl who had a need I had always been afraid of.

Delilah was born with a form of spina bifida. She had surgery in Shanghai, thanks to China Care.

The neurosurgeon who follows her here in the US said "the surgery was textbook perfect" and exactly what he would have done.

Delilah has no effects from the special need label she was given. She runs and jumps and plays. Her special need is now basically a SCAR on her back.

If you have adopted a child who was considered special needs, I hope you will also blog about it and show the world the face of your child.

Special Needs children make great SISTERS!

and Great Little Mamas in Training!

And like all children, they carry themselves with mystery and majestic beauty. They know the secret...... They know the truth is they are SPECIAL and their needs are as special as they are!

For Crying Out Loud

noreply@blogger.com (Maps of China) — Sun, 06 Mar 2011 20:29:00 +0000

Lately I find myself saying, "it's not always like this" and immediately hearing a little voice in my head speaking up and saying, "um, yeah, it kinda pretty much IS like this".

I realize it is significant that I'm trying to convince so many people that the level of noise and chaos they have suddenly encountered when near me, or my home, is something out of the ordinary for us, when the truth is, I can't escape the truth revealed by the sheer number of times I find myself making the statement.

It is my well-delivered explanation line to the neighbors, grandparents, Fed-ex man, anyone who calls me on the phone, and the older children who assure me they are within the danger zone of suffering a nervous breakdown. How can a teenager possibly get enough sleep to be healthy when sounds that put the haunted mansion to shame start up at the break of light every day!

I have realized my little girls do not have inside voices. They have one voice, and it is often too loud for use even in the great outdoors. How many people have to tell their children to be a little quieter when playing outside?

But still there is a difference in their loud playful voice and their loud wails of displeasure. These wails are the noises that often start early in the morning. And I regret to admit I haven't been able to prevent the wailing. It can be caused by many things. For Delilah, if she is not the first person to get to the potty, then the seat is too warm, and don't you know that you can't expect her to pee while sitting on a too warm seat. She likes her seat cool. Princess complex anyone?

Yet I have learned to deal with the general noises over nothing, even before coffee in the morning. What disturbs me are the rages. Yes, my girls still have rages. They are deep, primitive things that take us all back further than we want to go on any given day.

They come out of nowhere lead us to nowhere. They are just suddenly there, like a rainstorm unexpected.

Cami has a mantra that she repeats while crying loudly. It is usually, "Mama, I want to tell you something", a sentence she repeats over and over while she cries inconsolably. And she never tells me the "something". Some days I can see a rage on the horizon and I know that no matter what I do to change the weather, it will come. This clue tells me the storm is coming from inside of Cami, rather than a reaction to things in her environment.

Delilah is often triggered by being reprimanded or not allowed to do something she wants to do. She is more physical, bringing full force kicking and flailing which prevent me from getting too close to her until she wears herself down.

So I wait it out. I've learned not to say, "It's okay" in the seemingly harmless way we placate our babies. Because Cami told me No, it is NOT okay, and she is right. So I mostly sit quietly. Or I whisper "You are safe. Mommy is here. I will always love you". I can't be sure my words are heard. Maybe I say the words for me as much as for them.

Eventually, and often the eventually is a long time coming......eventually, I am able to touch, then hold and comfort them, and chase the the demons of rage out the door, or under the rug, or wherever they hide.

I don't read about such things on other blogs. And I often feel I'm the only parent spending so much time sitting by a screaming child who wants to lash out or bang her head on the floor. And yes, this is the same child who just posed for the lovely photos yesterday.

In terms of parenting (though it's really not about me) these incidents might be dealt with better if they were few and far between. But lately I feel battered. Rages take me to a place of extreme patience.......patience stores I had no idea I even had. They are button pushing extravaganzas and I have to remember not to react in ways not productive to healing. I have learned to sit without speaking, which is a far cry from growing up in a time where the tag line was "if you don't stop crying I'll give you something to cry about". (Trust me, I've had to choke back that line many times). I've learned what nerves of steel really means and I will come closer to have those in my lifetime than their counterpart.....the "buns of steele".

Yet sitting in the foyer while one child lies crying on the floor, another child wants to sit on my head, and the last light of day feathers through the small windows on the sides of our front door, I sometimes feel so alone. Adjusting the ice pack on my thigh where I didn't dodge a strong kick, and wiping away tears, I can get dangerously close to thinking it must be me. What am I doing wrong?

Other blogs show me families who have incredibly organized color-coded-for-each- child lives, homemade Chinese food, and children who help run a cottage business. That's why I decided to write about the other side. The dark side of loving someone who may still think, on some level, that you kidnapped them.

It is clear my children are living with pain. I feel helpless to stop it. I feel guilty to speak of it. But it seems to come with the territory of trauma, institution, and adoption. I hope it is a season. When all the tears are cried and all the anger spent, will we have been elevated?

I like to think we are being molded and I tell myself we are not alone.

If you happen to meet us on a loud and stormy day, I will probably say to you that it is not always like this........ and you will believe me and smile......and remember that I'm thinking to myself, "it's not always like this.....sometimes it is worse".

Long May You Run

noreply@blogger.com (Maps of China) — Tue, 01 Mar 2011 14:45:00 +0000

Jillian deserves a post. She's been through alot lately. Though each time a new complication arises, I am reminded of how lucky we have been through all these years.

Jillian was born at 28 weeks, a critically ill micro premie in 1994. She was given a 70% chance of surviving and escaping the possible side effects of being born so early.

Survive she did! And she grew up to be kind and loyal and gifted in art and music. She also trained gymnastics for ten years!

Jillian was the baby in our family. For twelve years she was the baby of the family. And then, one hot and humid day, on the 23 floor of the Civil Affairs Bureau in Nanchang, Jiangxi, China, Jillian became a big sister when we adopted Cami.

She handled the transition beautifully.  Two years later, we adopted Delilah, and Jillian found herself the absolute middle child.   Again, a lesser soul might have had trouble with jealousy or displacement, but Jillian rose to the occasion and became the older sister anyone would be proud to have.

Lately, Jillian has been struggling with health problems and pain. She suffers quietly most of the time, so when she comes to me with a complaint, I know it needs attention.

Most recently fatique and pain have kept her from doing all the fun things she wants to plan and enjoy with her friends. Recent blood tests show extreme anemia. We don't know exactly why she isn't replacing red blood cells quickly enough, so we are going to explore it further with a hemotologist. She will probably be given a boost of iron and I will look forward to seeing her eyes bright and cheeks rosy once again.

The photo at the top of this post shows how tired she often looks, with dark circles and pale skin. Please pray for my precious daughter.

Jillian's older sister once gave her this unusual compliment..... She said, "Jillian doesn't seem to mind when other people have needs". I think it was a roundabout way of describing Jillian's heart for others. She seems to know when someone needs a little extra kindness, a little extra care. And now she is the one with the need. We want to see her restored to full health and energy. The world is waiting for her!

On a Clear Day You Can See Our Homeschool

noreply@blogger.com (Maps of China) — Fri, 18 Feb 2011 13:15:00 +0000

Cami and Delilah both missed the cut off for Kindergarten this year. Next year they would both make it, but Delilah would be very young, barely five years old. And she is young inside too. I like to crunch these numbers as if there is a magical formula, or as if I'm actually going to walk them up to the brick school house and then come home for a day alone. Sometimes I try that fantasy on for size. But truth be told, we have homeschooled for fifteen years now. It's not our school. It's our way of life.

Some days I wonder if I am yet qualified to take on the education of a child. And other days I marvel at how much children learn just by being with an adult who will answer their questions. I marvel at how children follow the natural rhythm and flow of a day when allowed to stay in touch with their own internal drive. And I marvel at the depth and height of the perceptions of children when they are not boxed in to a certain grade or certain curriculum. I suppose I will always wonder if it's "enough", but I will never doubt that it is good.

So, what does it really look like? At this age, homeschooling is simply being present in the moment and respecting moments of special learning opportunity when they appear.

On this morning, Cami drew two pictures after breakfast. One picture was of Jesus. She wanted to know what he looked like and I told her we really didn't know for sure, but some artists had tried their best to draw him. She decided she would draw Jesus too. And he looked very much like a hip hop star. Who's to say?

Cami also drew her vision of the universe. In my humble opinion, just the fact that she can understand and think about planets and stars up in the sky and then put that vision on paper is nothing short of amazing. Abstract thinking is a strength for her.

While Cami was drawing, Delilah was watching her. Delilah doesn't care much for drawing yet, unless you count markers drawning designs on her skin. So.......

Delilah ate Jelly Beans! And she learned about sharing.

The rest of the day was punctuated by puzzles and books. Delilah loves the wooden puzzle of the world and Cami enjoys the United States puzzle. Both are challenging for me and I'm surprised at how much they are able to do on their own. They are beginning to understand where they fit in physically in the world. Our state is part of the US which is part of the earth. We talk about China and also Australia because Lauren is headed there.

The afternoon was spent constructing a fort of chairs and a sheet and choosing some things to bring into this sacred spot. After dinner, both girls were content to pretend the fort was our igloo and they listened actively to the Usbourne Book of Greek Myths for Young Children, a book I thought would be too old for them. Again they surprise me. They were hungry for more stories of Hercules and Eurystheus, long after my voice was tired. Again I am amazed at their ability to follow stories of a time and place so far removed from their life.

Each day is special. Some days we struggle with just the simplest of interactions, keeping everyone in a peaceful place, reconciling differences, and fighting demons I cannot see and they cannot remember. But other days, the sky clears and I see our life with different eyes and I am pleased. It is enough. We are doing great together. The journey is only beginning.

Valentine's Day

noreply@blogger.com (Maps of China) — Wed, 16 Feb 2011 01:08:00 +0000

We spent Valentine's Day morning at the park with some dear friends. From the moment their older son and Delilah met, it was true love. Although they don't see each other very often, they still talk about getting married. Delilah wants to look for a wedding gown (which she calls a "marry dress") on Ebay, and Aiden notices the wedding cakes at the grocery store and requests chocolate flowers.

For now, it is pure, innocent, sweet, and heavenly young love. A relationship without complication. And Delilah could not have been more impressed when her friend brought her potted red tulips. How Romantic!

And there is just something special about the look on a girl's face when she has just been given flowers!

It was a fun time for everyone to play together.

Notice the lunatic driver in the car below. The beauty queens in back are very brave!!!!

Until the next time our paths cross, we'll carry happy memories of our day together........

What the Camera Saw

noreply@blogger.com (Maps of China) — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 21:59:00 +0000

Nothing feels quite so FREE as getting out of the house on a winter's day!

I promised the girls we would FINALLY take their scooters down through the neighborhood to a place where they could ride on a smooth surface without having to watch out for cars.

They were so excited! Then we had a small accident. But Delilah gave her well known battle cry which usually follows her mishaps. "I can still walk, Mom, I can still walk".

(And yes, I know my girls are not wearing helmets. There is a reason for this, which might be a blog post of it's own. Meanwhile, if you feel really uncomfortable when moms bend or break rules, then I suggest you click away right now......cause it's only going to get worse!)

We ran like the wind!

And we watched the clouds tumbling together promising snow!

And then it happened!!!!

"What does this sign say, Mom"???????

Hmmmm.......??????

Busted!

And there is only one thing to do!

Look completely innocent and then make a fancy getaway!

Safely together again and ready for the long walk back home........  Stay tuned for more adventures of the "Together in Crime Girls"..........

The Paradox of Older Children

noreply@blogger.com (Maps of China) — Tue, 08 Feb 2011 17:37:00 +0000

Lately they come to me,
smelling faintly of
smoke and leaves
and other people's cars.

They come
for renewal and validation,
they come begging,
like street performers
hiding behind
tricks, or grades or funny stories.
Aching for approval or more often,
for money,
willing me to open
the mother wallet
and let the spirits move
to finance their dreams,
or their snacks,
or gas for their car.

They come to me
all false bravado and devil may care
never knowing
I see
the trembling hand
or lowered shifty eyes revealing
haunted hurting hearts.

At night
they come to me
still needing some small goodbye ritual
and never knowing
I can still see them
all blankets and thumbs and small feet kicking.

They come
with more questions than answers.
Evasive,
tilling secret gardens,
proof they are growing away from me,
don't need me

But still,
they come.
Finding their way
in from the cold
They let me reach for their hand
For a moment
I pull them close and smell their hair
and know they are mine.

Even
Behind stubble and bangs of a nameless color.
they still sweat grass and pool water and wind.
mixed with a secret scent we share,
branded onto my heart
from the first day
I knew them.

Even though they have again stolen my sleep,
overtaken all my prayers
and recklessly wrapped themselves up
in most moments of possible peace.
There is hope
echoing
down the hallway
because
they come.
To me.
To home.
Where
hearts still open wide.

The Sensory Box

noreply@blogger.com (Maps of China) — Tue, 08 Feb 2011 14:25:00 +0000

Recently I put together a Sensory Box for Cami and Delilah. My hope was to begin to empower them with a tangible tool they could use to help themselves when the world around them felt too overwhelming.

I imagined they could reach for their sensory box instead of ........ pulling my hair, kicking wildly, or falling out in the floor in a heap of helpless sensory overload.

I will add other pieces to the box in the future, but I started it with several items of texture and movement, in hopes this sensory input could could peacefully replace the sensory overload they were feeling in a particular moment. Some of the toys light up or can be molded, giving their little brains something specific to focus on and begin to calm down.

The girls love their little boxes and I would love to hear ideas of other items I could include if you have knowledge in this area.

Something I was not prepared for was the hilarious conversation surrounding these boxes. Yesterday, D was having to wait for me a few minutes while I finished the dishes before we could start on a project I had promised them.

So the two girls are sitting at the table. D says, "I think I'll get my Sensory Box".

C says, "Are you getting ready to have a meltdown, Nan?" (Nan and Cam are their sister names for each other)

Cam continues, "Nan, Nan, are you going to have a meltdown"? NAAAAAAAANNNNNNNN, ARE YOU HAVING A MELTDOWN? IS THAT WHY YOU NEED YOUR BOXXXXXXX?

Still no response from Nan who is quietly playing with the items in her box.

Cam yells, "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM, I THINK NAN IS GOING TO HAVE A MELTDOWNNNNNNNN".

Hmmmmmm, me thinks someone else needs to get their sensory box and climb inside it....LOL

And then I had a funny vision of Cam and Nan as 70 year old women and Cam saying, "Nan, are you getting ready to have a meltdown? NAAAAAAAAANNNNNN........ANSWER ME"!

So it was really funny in the moment. Maybe you have to need a sensory box to understand. By the way......my laptop is my sensory box..... you just gotta understand.....I need it often. LOL

Yoga for the Brain

noreply@blogger.com (Maps of China) — Mon, 07 Feb 2011 13:59:00 +0000

I recently discovered an art form called Zentangles!

The idea is simple. The outcome is an intricate and complex design. The process is something of a meditation. Claims of clearer thinking, relaxation, better decision making, and more are touted by those who learn to Tangle!

There are a variety of good sites online if you want to learn more. Basically, you need only good quality paper and a black fine tip felt pen to get started. You can find instructions for different Tangle designs online. I also ordered a book which teaches designs step by step.

Getting started is easy. Choose the size paper you want to work on. Small squares about 3 x 3 inches are good to work on. Using a pencil, put a dot in each corner. The second step is called "threading". Think of what it would look like if a thread dropped randomly onto your paper. Starting on one dot, draw a continuous line of loops, circles, or other shapes until your pencil has passed lightly over each of the corner dots. Your design can have many separate spaces or only a few. Then you work on each individual shape by itself. One space at a time. You will be amazed at the end result!

Oh! After putting the dots in the corner and then connecting them, put your pencil away. From now on in the Tangle, you will use only a pen. There are no mistakes, just unexpected art!

This method of drawing connects the brain and body in a unique and comforting way. If you are looking for a way to relax, maybe you will give it a try.

Below you can see a sample of my "tangling". The second image is by my 21 year old son who developed an interest in this art form! He claims he cannot draw and the Tangle pictured here is only his second try!

Not What We Do, But Who We Are

noreply@blogger.com (Maps of China) — Sun, 30 Jan 2011 16:35:00 +0000

I wanted to add a tab to my blog about Homeschooling in case someone wandered in and had an interest in homeschooling for their family.

Yet when I thought about how I might write about it, I realized there is little separation between our life and our learning. Fifteen years ago, I began to consider homeschooling my son because he was so miserable at school and seemed so content being at home. Something bothered me about forcing him out the door each morning, pushing away his tearful hugs.

At that time I didn't know many homeschoolers. The ones I saw out in public seemed very conservative and I wasn't sure I would fit in. I felt more like a rebel homeschooler. And I was terrified.

There were two things that solidified the change in our family's way of learning. First, at the recommendation of my son's second grade teacher, we took him to be evaluated for ADD. We happened to hear from a friend about an excellent doctor at Duke University. Maybe it was overkill for ADD in a seven year old boy, but that's the way the story played out.

This child psychologist spent six hours with us, testing my son in a range of strengths and abilities. We told the doctor we were considering homeschooling. (Remember this was 1997 and homeschooling was not common or well understood)

The doctor looked at us steadily and then spoke clearly, saying, "Only you can make this decision for your family, but I can tell you that your son is achievement oriented. He has achievement oriented parents. It's in his genes. If he never goes another of school, he will be fine". This came from a man who obviously valued education.

Dr. March at Duke University

The second influential incident started as a morning conversation between my husband, Mark, and I. We were having a quick cup of coffee and I began to share my insecurities about being able to provide everything our children needed for their education. And he said, in his kindest voice, "Even if you do nothing, the children will benefit more from being with you all day, than from being in school".

What a vote of confidence! I'm not sure I believed it then. But it gave me the courage to move forward. In the beginning, we faced plenty of opposition. Everything from grandparents who spoke out against our decision to a teacher who actually called me and asked if I wanted to ruin my daughter's life (referring to oldest daughter who was then in Grade 5) This daughter graduated from Furman University two years ago with a degree in English. She has had a great deal of experiences already in her life, including managing an ice cream shop as a teenager and most recently teaching English in China. Whew, I'm relieved to say, and she will agree, I did not ruin her life.

During the initial adjustment period of not sending our children to school, we lost some friends and found some new ones. We spent alot of time relaxing and figuring out how we wanted to fill our days. I sometimes woke up in the middle of the night and thought with horror about what I had done. Pulling children out of school was still very rare. I was on the edge of a wave of change in education and it's never easy to be among pioneers. But no matter what happened in our physical world, I felt and saw a small light within myself. Significantly, this is the first time in my life I remember recognizing this light and agreeing to follow it. Since then, I have come to revere the light, protect it, and always, always follow it. It has led me around the world, and never once led me wrong.

Maybe if you are considering homeschooling you are interested in what products we used, what course of study we followed to ensure success. Over the years, we have tried different types of curriculum, but usually we would use something for a while and then do something completely different. I have found the best and most effective learning happens when a child wants to know about something. Then I help facilitate their learning by providing books, movies, and experiences relating to their inner drive to explore a topic.

In the end, not that this is the end by any means, so I should say, TO THIS POINT, I have one child out of college, one attending college, one in high school, and two little girls who are 4 and 5 years old.

Homeschooling Works! It just does. It's amazing what we learn just by being in the world. And with technology, now everything is at our fingertips. It's also important for me to mention what my children have not learned. They don't do peer pressure, they don't have a herd mentality, they will not likely be approached to join a cult. For better or worse, they are free thinkers. They question everything, including authority.

(People who know me well also know we have struggled with one particular child in some heartbreaking ways. I do not blame his troubles on the fact that he went to public high school. I also do not think he benefited from his experience there. And that brings me back to what I wrote about earlier today....... I recognize he is on a sacred journey. I am certain to write more about him in days to come.)

I hope I have given a good overview of how we came to homeschool and how we have defined homeschooling for our family over the years. Now we have little ones again, and a chance to choose again the way we will order our priorities. I can't say how things will change, but I know what will remain constant.......

The line others draw between learning and living is a line we will continue to erase. We learn what we live. I hope to share some of our living and learning experiences here.

Sacred Journey

noreply@blogger.com (Maps of China) — Sun, 30 Jan 2011 16:18:00 +0000

I read two sentences this morning which touched something deep inside me:

"A mother's prayer for her child is the most powerful prayer in the universe"

and

"No matter how it appears, we are each on a personal and sacred journey.  Accept it and allow it to continue".

Blogging is a wonderful way to write and to document our family's journey.   Why then, do I have such a hard time coming to my blog and making an offering of my words.

I say I need time.  I need quiet.  I need to concentrate.   But the truth is I am afraid.   I am afraid I will not write honestly.  Or I am afraid I will write in a painfully honest manner and it will make someone uncomfortable.  It's easier to be silent.

Yet I learn so much from other people's blogs.   It's selfish to enjoy all their thoughts, ideas,  and stories, while keeping mine to myself.

Blogging is like being thirteen and writing in your diary every night and giving the key to your little brother.   Maybe there will be ridicule, but in the long run,  someone who never expected to see your soul might surprise you with the tenderness they show.

Blog Honesty

noreply@blogger.com (Maps of China) — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 17:41:00 +0000

Like many of my writing friends, there comes a time when the best thing to do is start a new Blog.

Maybe we have a new idea, a new focus, or maybe the old blog is so sadly neglected, the only thing that makes sense is to start over.

My reason is all those reasons, plus my desire to have a blog design that would allow for larger photographs.  Many times, my photos tell the story better than my words.

And that is my true reason for blogging.   I have a story to tell.  I see stories all around me, everyday.   And I want to record these stories........for myself. for my family and my children, and for anyone else who stumbles in and finds something interesting here.

My trouble lies in wanting to blog honestly.

How do I tell the real story and still protect the dignity and privacy of everyone involved.  Is it possible to blog without horrifying my children!!!!!

Have you found a way to accomplish honest blogging?  I realized if I waited until I found the answer I needed, this blog would never get started.  And too many stories would fall away untold and forgotten.

I decided it was better to just begin.   I'll find my answers as I go.

If you look on the "About Me" page , there is a sweet background story to our blog title.  And it's only a part of the story.  In a strange way, we've all been drawing maps to China for a lifetime.  Now each, in his own way, is trying to follow them.

2011 opens with a burst of hope and creativity.   In the midst of struggle, there is a small light.  In the doldrums of winter, suddenly pain is relieved. Sun peeks in where only darkness has been.  The year began with spurts and stops, but I believe there is so much magic yet to come.

As a quick peek into my life and mind, here is the stack of books beside my bed.   I read, I must read, every night before sleep.  I get into bed as early as possible and read, sometimes for hours.  And the more I read, the more I want to write, and I guess this brings us back to the beginning.

Welcome to my new Blog!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 12 Jan 2011 01:25:00 +0000