Dread Pirate Robert

Happy International Talk Like a Pirate Day!

2009-09-19T09:19:00.000-07:00

Arr, ye. Tis here again, me mateys: International Talk Like a Pirate Day 2009!

As always, the must-see links of the day are compiled at Frank's Web Zen site. Once again, I am in awe. Or, I should say, I am in Arrrr!

Hey, kids, find out what your very own Pirate Name is here! If you don't like it or it doesn't sound scurvy enough, try a quicker Pirate Name generator here!

Zac Efron is in town!

2009-09-18T08:18:00.001-07:00

Yup, it's a small town, and a big movie star is here. And EVERYONE is talking about Zac Efron filming here.

Hello people! Kim Basinger is here too! Anyone ever hear of her? No, because the vast majority of people who care are 12 year old girls.

Speaking of the tweenies, I felt horrible yesterday, driving by and seeing every girl in town between the ages of 11 and 16 standing outside a set, hoping for a wave from Zac. Sadly, I heard they were disappointed.

However, if you were a 40 year old woman, celebrating your birthday (Happy Birthday Tonya!) by going to a nice restaurant last night...

Hah! Eat it, tweenies!

Besides, the two twelve-year-old girls on my street are part of the Meryl Streep fanclub... more on that later.

Hey, did you know that Zac Efron has four nipples? I wish he would have flashed the camera...

Yes, our tiny town has become "Quincy Harbor" and the iconic Molly's Reach restaurant, made famous in The Beachcombers, is now "Flynn's Reach", at least for a week until the excellent film crew paints it back to normal. Cheers guys!

How to Take Better Photographs... The Basics. For Beginners. And the Obtuse.

2009-06-18T08:21:00.000-07:00

Ivar Gravlejs is a photographer; he's been doing it for a long time, and has it down.

Still, that doesn't prevent him from looking at photography from the point of view of an absolute know-nothing beginner. "Dummy" doesn't begin to describe it... these tips are more for time travelers from the distant past who've never seen a camera, or possibly shaved apes.

Hilarious, painfully obvious, and great pictures abound... at least, half of them are great pics...

How to take pictures, for REAL Dummies and lower life forms.

Happy Towel Day 2009

2009-05-25T09:15:00.000-07:00

Don't Panic. As all the hoopy froods out there know, today is Towel Day.

A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapors; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (such a mind-boggingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough.

Happy Towel Day everyone!

Links for further reading:
Towelday.org website
Flickr Towel Day Photoset
H2G2

The Best Internet Meme Since Bloodninja

2009-05-21T09:05:00.000-07:00

The Ballad of Douche Quadbike. That's not what the original video was called (that's here), but the response to this guy spamming links all over the internet has turned this into the best story I've read in a while.

1. Watch this (barf bag handy).
2. Then, the video response by Sanchez that started it all.
3. And, to heighten your pleasure and waste even more of your time, take a look at the Cracked forum.

Hope that brightens your day. Wipe away your tears of laughter and go about your business.

Oh, and of course, there's the Hitler version too...

Oh, and in case you are unfamiliar with the work of Bloodninja, here you go: The Bloodninja Chronicles. Be sure to put on your robe and wizard hat.

Finally, the children.

2009-03-23T09:30:00.000-07:00

Oh Dread Pirate Robert, when will you post more pics of your adorable offspring? Right now.

Without further ado, Here's Morris on a sunny day, dressed in a hat that is marginally too big for him, but doubles the adorability quotient. It's a mathematical certainty.

As for Milo, he's been taking more pictures than posing for them. Video seems to be the preferred medium for catching him in action, although his self-portraits are pretty cool. Most of the ones he takes of us chop out half our faces, because he starts dropping the camera as soon as he presses the shutter.

Why I Became a Teacher

2009-03-09T12:34:00.000-07:00

From an interview with Alan Moore:

All too often education actually acts as a form of aversion therapy, that what we're really teaching our children is to associate learning with work and to associate work with drudgery so that the remainder of their lives they will possibly never go near a book because they associate books with learning, learning with work and work with drudgery. Whereas after a hard day's toil, instead of relaxing with a book they'll be much more likely to sit down in front of an undemanding soap opera because this is obviously teaching them nothing, so it is not learning, so it is not work, it is not drudgery, so it must be pleasure. And I think that that is the kind of circuitry that we tend to have imprinted on us because of the education process.

And that is the kind of circuitry we need to change, by making sure kids know how FUN and useful learning really is.

A Momentary Meditation on Tattoos

2009-03-05T12:38:00.000-08:00

As per our conversation today, I tracked down one of my favourite Life in Hell cartoons of all time...

The Dread Pirate Robert is returning to regularly scheduled blogging.

Misson Accomplished... by Todd Snider!

2008-10-30T20:30:00.000-07:00

Todd Snider's new album, "Peace Queer," is available for free download until the end of October 31. And it's great.

Can't talk, Facebooking...

2008-10-24T12:58:00.000-07:00

I know it's been said before, but LOL.

Cartoon by Ape Lad (Adam Kolford) at http://apelad.blogspot.com.

President Obama

2008-10-23T08:50:00.000-07:00

Who is that guy? That's the President of the United States.

This photo just makes me happy.

Rules for Grammar Geeks

2008-10-07T10:05:00.000-07:00

I think this may be the second time I've taken a blog post by Miss-Cellania and I have no doubt I'm going to do it again.

Not a new list, but thanks to the Intertubes, everything old is new again. And still funny.

Literary Rules

Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat)

Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

Be more or less specific.

Remarks in brackets (however relevant) are (usually) (but not always) unnecessary.

Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

No sentence fragments.

Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.

Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

One should NEVER generalize.

Comparisons are as bad as clichés.

Don't use no double negatives.

Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

One-word sentences? Eliminate.

Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

The passive voice is to be ignored.

Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

Kill all exclamation points!!!

Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.

Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.

Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

Puns are for children, not groan readers.

Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

Who needs rhetorical questions?

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

Life in Canada

2008-10-06T07:54:00.000-07:00

Two photos completely unrelated to each other, except for the fact that they arrived in my inbox this morning.

First off, this is where I live. Far, far away from civilization, not a soul around for... oh wait, you can see the houses on the beach? All right, this is right around the corner from my house.

And this one, well, I have to confess I've been following the American election more closely than our own Canadian one, and then I see this photo.

Of course, my first thought was to insert Dick Cheney's face in place of Prime Minister Harper, and then I zoomed in on the image to see if Mr. Harper was drooling, or if I could see the bloodlust in his eyes... maybe some sign that he was planning on slurping the lifeblood out of the kitten, but no, nothing. Musta been photoshopped out.

Yes, it IS that cheesy.

Milo is... Luke Doucet and the White Falcon!

2008-10-03T10:30:00.001-07:00

Okay, so he may not be entirely accurate, but it was awesome watching him take what we told him about his new hat, and just run with it. Literally.

Pirates really and truly making the world a better place

2008-09-25T13:17:00.000-07:00

Wow, I think this may be the single greatest thing to come out of International Talk Like a Pirate Day.

According to the Arkansas Times:

What do you do to make a bunch of soulless nutcases abandon their post at the Convention Center? Send in the pirates!

Yep, the cuckoo Phelps hate group walked the plank this morning after a happy bunch dressed like pirates and holding signs saying "God hates shrimp -- Leviticus" and "God hates cotton-polyester blends" stood opposite them at the corner of Markham and Scott streets. The group, made up of Central Arkansas Pastafarians, waved swords and growled "Arrghh!" in a manner that would have made Abbie Hoffman proud.

With cars honking and waving at the pirates and a TV crew giving them all the attention, the Phelps group -- with a child in tow, sadly -- picked up their "fag" epithets and went away. Pitiful.

It just goes to show that Pastafarianism combined with grassroots community activism can defeat the wingnuttiest wingnuts the Republican party can dish out.

And no one, anywhere, can take a shot at Arkansas without thinking about these brave pirates. More to the point, they look like they had a blast. And THAT'S what really counts.

Pirates of Arkansas, I salute you!

Pirate Cats

2008-09-19T15:40:00.000-07:00

And for my (presumably) last post before the ale and wenches take over, please allow me to celebrate International Talk Like a Pirate Day with...

Pirate Kitties. Set sail, mateys, and yo ho ho with a bottle of rum!

Robert Newton, father of Arrrrr!

2008-09-19T14:17:00.000-07:00

Presenting, for your Piratical amusement, the great Robert Newton, the reason we associate "Arrrr..." with pirates.

Google Loves Piracy!

2008-09-19T13:55:00.000-07:00

No, not that kind of piracy, the REAL kind... with pirates!

Check out the lastest from the Google blog...

It recently came to our attention that Google was not accessible to a large, influential, and notoriously quick-tempered community: Pirates. As of today we are proud and rather relieved to announce that Google Search is available in Pirate.

As you can see from this graph of the popularity of related searches from past years, we have reason to believe that this might be a timely addition:

If ye're a gentleman or lady o' fortune yerself — or just want t' talk like one — ye c'n set Pirate as yer preferred lingo usin' th' Likes an' Dislikes page, or cast yer deadlights on an example.

Posted by Cap'n Pam Greenebearde

And check out the spikes on that graph... International Talk Like a Pirate Day (weekend!) has truly arrived.

(And thanks to Cap'n Matt Cutts the Bloghearted for the news-grog.)

Pirate Haiku

2008-09-19T12:43:00.000-07:00

loot, plunder, rob, steal
today's financial markets
pirates are ideal

Courtesy of Piratejokes.net

The plank is ready:
It's "Talk Like A Pirate Day"!
Can you walk the walk?

A bold privateer
Seeks a booty beyond price:
Pirate underwear

Avast ye lubbers!
Face the pirate poet scourge!
Men of hai-kurage.

Seventeen quick breaths
Sixteen men on dead man's chest
One pirate haiku

Fearsome buccaneer,
12-year-old Brianna L.,
MP3 pirate.

-all the above written by Bart

Pirate Hip Hop

2008-09-19T10:28:00.000-07:00

Looking for some "Authentic Pirate Hip Hop" for your International Talk Like a Pirate Day party? (And I know you probably aren't but just in case...)

Here it is, courtesy of Captain Dan & the Scurvy Crew.

Pirate Zen 2008

2008-09-19T10:02:00.000-07:00

Thanks be to Chaoskitty, who compiles a list of piratical links every year on this date.

For the best in pirate zen, all hope abandon ye who enter here!

scurvy dog! 'tis pirate zen 2008

talk like a pirate day
british hq
savage chickens
second life
game
recipes
myths
soul
magazine
punchline pirates

International Talk Like a Pirate Day in the news...

2008-09-19T09:04:00.000-07:00

An article on the Newsblog Daily Kos has this incredibly awesome line in it:

Conservatives are flummoxed, both by Wall Street and by Palin's popularity numbers dropping. Arrr, Matey. Arrr.

Yup, that's how you do it, me hearties. (The link in the quote is actually there too!)

The Crimson Pirate

2008-09-19T08:22:00.000-07:00

Yarr, mateys. 'Tis International Talk Like a Pirate Day (and weekend) and what better way to celebrate than to revisit pirates of yore.

To wit, I give you a young, clean-shaven, well-oiled, slightly nancy-boy yet totally swashbuckling Burt Lancaster in... The Crimson Pirate. (It's only the teaser intro and the credits.)

It's International Talk Like a Pirate Day again!

2008-09-18T05:54:00.001-07:00

When September 19 falls on a Friday, that can only mean one thing: It's International Talk Like a Pirate WEEKEND!

For all the Lil' Pirates out there, storytime. Courtesy of Ol' Chumbucket and Cap'n Slappy...

Now that's some serious Pirattitude.

An Open Letter to the Youth of America

2008-09-17T15:54:00.002-07:00

Before I begin, let me just point out that there are more stupid Americans in the world than stupid Canadians. About ten times as many. This is partly because they outnumber us about 10 to 1, so just do the math.

Now I know that Canadians love to make fun of the "dumb American" stereotype, but we're well aware that the majority of our neighbours to the south are wonderful, kind, articulate, intelligent individuals, even if their government representatives sometimes send, shall we say, mixed messages.

I'd also like to point out that the biggest moron/idiot I met while on my many world travels was, I still cringe to recall him, a Canadian. Steve.

Imagine a drunken idiot far from home acting like a pompous ass to everyone he meets, especially the residents of the country he's visiting. But in this case, he's not an American pretending to be a Canadian (man, there are a lot of those guys too...), he's actually a Canadian. And he's telling everyone. I haven't been able to laugh at "dumb American" jokes since.

I don't know why I had to say all that, but I've been watching the coverage of the American Presidential Campaign and I have a lot of issues to work through. Seriously? Some of you will actually vote for McCain and Palin? Well, if 52% of you think that angels actually physically walk among us (and look like Michael Landon) and 54% of you think Elvis is still alive, I guess anything can happen.

After all, we elected Stephen Harper. Eeewwww.

Okay, that said, I'd like to reprint this open letter to the youth of American, written by Bill in Portland, Maine.

Dear America's Youth,

Hey! Sup? Got a minute? Right---of course you don't. Well, we're the adults here so put the skateboard down, take the iPod plugs out of your ears, sit down and pay attention.

You may have noticed that the country you live in has turned into a bit of a mess lately. Not to put too fine a point on it, um, dudes and dudettes, but we're out of money, people are losing their homes and jobs and selling their bling to get by, we're mired in two endless wars, the planet's baking to a crisp, and nobody knows what to do. In short, we appear to be fucked. We can use that word...we're adults.

Anyway, this is just a heads-up that your mission in life will be to clean up our mess.

I know what you're saying. "Hey, we didn’t crap this shit. Why do we gotta clean it up?!" First, watch your language. Second, we planned it. Let us explain.

You see, in order to build character and resilience and valuable "life skills," we must tear you down and then build you up. We must break your spirit, make your stuff worthless, and show utter disregard for your future. But when the time is right, we'll turn over the reins to you so you can fix everything. It's called "tough love," and we're doing it because we care. Quit slouching.

Now, we're not quite done ruining the country yet. That will take a little more time. So keep on doing what you're doing for now, but be ready to take over when we give you the signal. The signal, by the way, will probably look like a bunch of grownups jumping off of bridges.

I know this must all seem terribly daunting and inconvenient, but it's for your own good. If you don’t figure out how to rebuild the most powerful country on earth when it's been reduced to rubble, you'll spend your lives all spoiled and complacent and happy. Trust us...you'll thank us later for giving you this amazing opportunity.

Peace. Word. Wii.

---The Adults Currently In Charge Of Things

P.S. We'll give you a head start with this free tip. Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff: Zac Effron.

P.P.S. When China calls and demands their money back, you might be able to buy some time by offering them the Dakotas. Oh, and get a haircut.

And one more thing: Help Save the Youth of America, by Billy Bragg

Oh, and if you're really sick of vapid TV news, may I recommend the following news sites to cleanse your palate...

Daily Kos
Americablog
Shakesville
Crooks and Liars
Raw Story
Andrew Sullivan

Now you never have to throw things at Bill O'Reilly ever again.