Dribbles and Grits to Crumpets and Bollocks

If I were Bewitched, I'd Mess with My Old Neighbors and Take Over the World

2014-10-02T22:31:00.003-04:00

This week, I'm part of two blog hops, so I'll be spending all day today and tomorrow reading lots of posts while drinking my dragon fruit generic energy drink. This also means I am combining two subjects into one post.

Your “Secret Subject” is:

Halloween’s right around the corner so in that theme you’ve suddenly become a witch (or warlock, your choice), how did that happen and what will you do?

It was submitted by: http://Bakinginatornado.com

Finish the Sentence Friday Prompt:

When it comes to my neighbors...

You got to be careful with people, especially those who get a closer look at your life. When it comes to my neighbors, I am usually an idiot.

The sad news is, if someone is going to fook you over, it's going to be someone close to you. A friend, coworker or a neighbor. It's usually someone you never provoked, and someone who has no legitimate reason to hate you. I run into these people all the time, online and offline as I have neighbors in both worlds.

If I don't like someone, I still like them. I don't like something they did, but I can still like them for the good things they do. My issue is I don't really hate people. I hate evil, and people do evil things all the time, but I refuse to believe when someone is swallowed by the darkness that they become that.

Hard Core Gangsta Right Here... and shit.

And that gets me in trouble because I always give people the benefit of the doubt. I see the social red flags waving telling me, "Don't trust that person at all," but then I open up anyway with some of my deeper secrets handing them my fears and insecurities on a silver platter to use later as ammunition against me. I do this uncontrollably, without a mute button. And I think I do it because I don't want to be one of them. Once you start passing judgment on people's character, you're more apt to be the asshole I'm talking about because your judgment will haunt you until you hate.

When it comes to neighbors, here's some of the craziest dumbfuckery I've encountered that I'm willing to admit:

1. A cop neighbor put out an APB on all my cats (for running at large) because my sister had a black baby.
2. A neighbor used to sit up all night staring out his window
3. One guy might of raped me. He definitely drugged my drink and bragged about it. He was the nicest of all my neighbors at that place up until that point.
4. One neighbor went around telling everyone I was an undercover FBI agent looking to snitch out pot smokers. I still have no idea why she did that. I have NEVER worked for a law enforcement agency. Ever.
5. One of my friends actually had neighbors commit her because they were being assholes and she threatened to file harassment charges. They were also meth addicts.

Of course, I've also met some really good friends. My mother's neighbor knows all the gossip. If you see cops in front of anyone's house within a 25 block radius of her house, she will tell you the scoop better than the cops. My friend Missy used to come over when we were just neighbors and barely knew each other and have tea with me in the mornings and help with the kids. Irka, a woman who used to live below me, is the only person who can actually get my kids to clean.

So with all that said, if I woke up a witch?

Well I do know witches. I also believe that the occult is a world that most humans, not even the best of witches, fully understand because if they did, they'd realize the most powerful magic comes from within. It comes from Love and inner peace. It comes from God. Curses are real, but those under God's protection are never hurt. Let their be light bitches!

But if I woke up a witch, I'd probably be more like Samantha from Bewitched. And if I felt comfortable using my powers without any spiritual karmatic implications, I'd probably do things like... (respectively to the last list)

1. Turn my cop neighbor's dog into a BLACK cat. Just for a couple days.
2. Fuse the window on a neighbors face so he can look through it all day too.
3. Drug the guy who raped me, and leave him in a cheap motel room pantless with a tattoo on his left butt cheek that says, "Bubba was here."
4. The neighbor who started rumors, I'd turn her stash of pot into green tobacco. She'll smoke it and smoke it but never get high.
5. The neighbors who committed my friend, I'd use my powers to get them all arrested for the illegal activities they actually do, and their moment of getting cuffed would occur where my friend could watch, and a bucket of popcorn would magically appear in her hands for the event.

and things like

1. Float invisibly into the White house and talk to the President about world problems as a ghost. Things would magically happen in Washington to set this country forward. Things you probably wouldn't agree with, but when you have a good job where you can afford to amuse yourself on Facebook without worrying about rent or getting cancer, you won't give a shit how I did it. You wouldn't even know I was there.

2. I'd create an underground secret layer for my plans of world domination.

3. I'd create some sort of terrorist program where we take the international terrorists and brainwash them into being decent people. If it didn't work, I'd turn them into toads to be dissected in science class in an all girl's school so they can finally be with their virgins.

4. Westboro's buildings would all be rainbow, and no matter what they did to change it, it wouldn't change. Like if they painted over it, it would turn back into a rainbow.

5. I'd magically poof myself and the kids all over the world to travel.

6. A starving student trying to learn who enjoys thinking would discover the cure to some major disease, and it would spark a career for them and things would just work out to where it comes to people who need it. This would happen many times for many diseases, from cancer to polio to PTSD to that huge word I can't pronounce.

7. I'd do some sort of corporate takeover of Microsoft and change things to where their products function without troubleshooting.

8. I'd probably take a day to where every time a bank charged a fee, the computer keeps giving it to the customer.

9. Women would be getting hired and promoted in top jobs because the person doing the hiring doesn't want to become a toad with the terrorists. The mothers would get higher salaries than the men just because every culture places the burden of caring for the children solely on their mother. If men want equal pay, they'll start doing equal work, and I mean real work, taking care of the kids and house.

10. My most diabolical scheme ever... I'd clean my house like Mary Poppins. Snap and the bed makes itself. Snap and the clothes fold itself. Snap and the dishes wash themselves. And when I say, "Stop fighting," and the kids don't, I can snap my fingers and instantly pause them for a time out.

CHECK OUT SECRET SUBJECT SWAP AT THE LINKS BELOW

Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts. Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there:

http://www.BakingInATornado.com Baking In A Tornado

http://themomisodes.com The Momisodes

http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/ Spatulas on Parade

http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/ Stacy Sews and Schools

http://berghamchronicles.blogspot.com The Bergham's Life Chronicles

http://www.eviljoyspeaks.wordpress.com Evil Joy Speaks

http://dinoheromommy.com/ Dinosaur Superhero Mommy

http://www.silenceofthemom.blogspot.com Silence of the Mom

http://climaxedtheblog.blogspot.com Climaxed

http://sparklyjenn.blogspot.com/ Sparkly Poetic Weirdo

http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com Someone Else’s Genius

http://www.crumpetsandbollocks.com Crumpets and Bollocks

http://thethreegerbers.blogspot.ch/ Confessions of a part-time working mom
http://www.smalltalkmama.com Small Talk Mama

Happy Places I Tend to Visit

2014-09-27T13:19:00.000-04:00

You know that movie with Adam Sandler where he keeps imagining his happy place to control his anger? Happy Gilmore? Well as a mom, I find myself needing a happy place so that I may maintain a happy face. You really can't talk to your kids in a pissed off panic state of frustration because that will just make them do the same thing back to you, which then makes it a thousand times worse. So here's some places I go for my happy place, a 10 second break into Wonderland. Feel free to steal any one of these fantasies.

1. I imagine myself diving into a huge pool of water. No land. No edge. And I just swim freely, twisting, flipping, opening my arms out and soaking in the water, floating on top, or sliding through it like a dolphin. Basically the things I do at the swimming pool to adjust to the water's temperature.

2. I imagine Jesus on the Cross, and then he rips his right arm breaking that stem of the cross, and then his left arm doing the same, throws the cross pieces to the floor, and he does this like he's Terry Crews ripping through an Old Spice commercial, and then he walks right up to me and picks me up, sweeping me off my feet like a knight in shining armor, and carries me like a Footprints poem.

3. Spongebob and Jim Morrison dancing to F is the fun stuff we do together U is for you and me...

4. I find pleasure in thinking about what it would be like to be a millionaire who orchestrates giving all the kids at school silly string at the same time just so the school will know what a parent goes through for the first 4 hours after school, not that THAT would give them any empathy because they really just don't give a shit about you, which is why it's so much fun to think about.

5. I like to close my eyes, and think back to that exact moment I was giving birth with my first kid, and I was in so much pain I was turning purple, twitching, spitting out the Fuck word every 3 seconds, biting and sucking on the side of the bed rail... and then enter angels singing Handel's Messiah. The anesthesiologist walks in and gives me an epidural. I try to feel the needle in my spine again. And for a whole millisecond, my body tricks my mind into thinking it's numb from the waist down again. Ahhh good times. Sometimes I rub the spot on my back where it was just for luck.

6. I imagine being 6 years old sitting in a boring Sunday service in the sanctuary falling asleep with my head laying on my dad's tummy fat.

7. I know it's cheesier than anything mentioned thus far, as if that's possible, but I like to imagine that I'm dancing, badly, with either my father or Jesus. I'm always staring at my toes as we attempt to actual dance with spins and twirls and stuff. Sometimes when I'm with Jesus, I start to drop it like it's hot, and then he gives me that stern look and shakes his head no, and I stop and apologize, and then he's like, "this is how you do it," and starts dancing like Usher, in the white robe with sandals....

So now that I told you some of my happy places, what are some of yours?

Comment below if you like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain, or if you aren't into yoga, or if you have half a brain...

I've had Enough of This Shit

2014-09-18T22:41:00.001-04:00

Life is way too short for...

Life is way too short for shit. Really it is. I know we all have to take a shit regularly, and I mean this metaphorically, but the people we shit on, their life is too short for it. My life is too short for other people's shit. Yet, I find myself spending endless hours trying to clean it up and disinfect enough to still get some ungodly flu as a result, which then makes me shit everywhere. Shit is contagious via shit. All of this is metaphorical for the school personnel who trolls my blog and Facebook, speaking of which, I'm talking about your shit too.

I wish I could tell you all the details of my week spent being shit on by various members of the community, but it would be unprofessional. But I tell you what, when it shits, it pours.

Instead of focusing on the negativity and mocking it like I usually do, I'm going to attempt to go the positive route. I'm just going to preach to you people about basic manners and professionalism and ethics when it comes to taking the metaphorical shit.

1. Don't shit on people

Just because you are having a bad day and need to unload the bull shit doesn't justify shitting it on others, or flinging it to others. If you need to unload your shit, take a dump in a corner like a civilized beast. Find a dark corner of the internet (like your own blog) and unload it there. This is what I do. If I have a bad day, it's a Facebook post, a blog post, or a rant to a friend. I don't ruin their days with it. I just simply unload my feelings with honesty. The point is, I find a place out of a way to take my shit. I don't do it on people, and I try to find places where I don't think anyone is going to step in it.

2. If you are going to shit on someone, shit on an asshole

Seriously, I know it's so tantalizing to shit on someone who is a good person. Nice people are the easiest target. I think people assume that they are stupid enough to forgive their asshattery. But the fact is, if you must shit on a person because you can't hold it in, assholes are used to shit. Shit on them. They deserve it anyway. Never fuck over the person who is helping you in order to hide your true feelings about those you perceive as an enemy. I see it happen all the time. People kiss ass to the assholes in their life, and they shit on those who truly care about them. Then they wonder why they are alone. I probably do this too.

3. People who have their shit together usually don't.

When you see someone with their ducks in a row, just know that the ducks they used to get those ducks in a row are not in a row. Be kind to everyone. Don't assume people are on a horse too high that you must tear them down. If they are on a low horse and you still feel the need to tear them down to your level, you are a pretty sad person. See I just shat on an asshole.

4. Bullying is shit.

Yes bullying is taking a shit on people. Don't bully people. This means don't take their lunch money and shove them in a locker. This also means, don't go on a random blog and call the blogger a fat ass. Don't abuse policy to fuck with people because you disagree with their facebook post and lack a sense of humor. Don't post memes saying you want to send Obama with a note to ISIS because you don't agree with his war strategy based on lies the media has told you. Don't be an asshole to my kid just because you don't like me. Don't call CPS on a person because you disagree with their blog post about breastfeeding.

However, it's totally ok to bully the bullies. The guy who stole 500 bucks from you and threatened to sick the mafia on you if you take him to court, yeah that guy, go ahead and sign him up for male enhancement products to be sent to his workplace.

5. Try not to fling the shit that people shat on you.

This one is a hard one for me. When people shit on me, I want to fling it back, but this week, I've been shat on by "bridges I don't want to burn." I almost fell into the abyss of gossip. People are messaging me about the drama, and I started off with good intentions. I kept to the topic. I only had good things to say about the person taking a metaphorical shit on me. But as it kept going, I started getting more negative. "She just did this. What the fuck?" Then I stopped myself. Stop in the name of love, it's Hammertime, stop drop shut em down open up shop, STOP collaborate, listen. I found my true feelings. I was hurt, not pissed off. Wounding the attacker isn't going to heal my wounds. I listed all the good things I liked about the person who was taking a metaphorical shit on me, and I reminded myself why I didn't want to end a friendship over this. I have to understand these people in my life may not resolve our issues. Their desire to keep the shit steaming is their problem. It becomes mine as well when it's my desire to stink up the place even more. The only thing I can do is spray the metaphorical Febreeze so it smells like Fresh Linen in my corner, even if there's a pile of shit under my shoe.

However, there's a shit level. Everyone has a shit level. When there's so much shit Febreeze can't cover, clean house. Get rid of the shit. Burn that fucking bridge and piss on the flames so the devil knows who sent it.

With all that said, if you are constantly being shit on like I have been this week, in the words of my daughter singing a song from a Yo Gabba Gabba Song... Keep Trying. Don't Give up. Never give up. She also sang that while Pink was singing on the radio, "You gotta get up and try try try." Yes God, I got your message loud and clear.

Read more Life's too short for... blogs on the linkup at Finding Ninee

Clash of the Couples Coming Soon (haha I said COMING)

2014-09-17T01:06:00.001-04:00

I'm going to be in a book, and I'm very proud of this. I'm very excited too. I mean look at the cover...

Is that not genius?

Some more about the book (I helped write parts of it)....

Coupledom. Fact or fable, Adam and Eve birthed the perpetual relationship drama as seen on TV today. Despite the serpents, this couple HAD IT MADE. Luxury real estate, lush gardens, and privacy out the yin-yang. Life was glorious until the bare-bottomed babe could no longer resist temptation. Despite her better half’s warnings and threats to sleep in a tree, she tasted the forbidden fruit. One bite of that seductive, juicy contraband and the stage was set for eternity— a nibble that has blossomed into an endless supply of tiny tidbits that divide lovers to this day!

Taking a cue from the naked explorers of authentic sin, Clash of the Couples is a new anthology featuring a collection of completely absurd lovers’ squabbles and relationship spats. Think couples fight over kids, sex, and money? Think again! Furniture, the last beer, and where to store the placenta are what genuinely ignite our feuds. And no argument is off limits. This book has it all!

Inside you’ll find a gut-busting compilation of stories such as: “I Can’t Believe You Ate My Sandwich," "Never Assume Anything," "Only I Can Talk About Me," and "You Want Some College Boobs?" from forty-three fearless writers. Prepare to laugh, roll your eyes, and shiver in suspense. While Eve may have had the first bite, we ate the whole tree. And made pies.

Published by Blue Lobster Book Co., Clash of the Couples launches loudly and obnoxiously on November 3, 2014. You’ll hear us coming, but look for it on Amazon, B&N, Apple, and other places where you typically buy books. For instant updates, follow along on Facebook!

Just let it be known, I'm the one who came up with, "While Eve may have had the first bite, we ate the whole tree. And made pies." It was in a poem I wrote years ago and lost. It's the only part I remember of the poem.

We are also looking for people to review the book on the day it comes out on Amazon. If interested, fill out the google form in the contact me section of this blog. Mention you want to review the book, and we'll send an email to the email address you provide with a pdf before the book is released.

List of Contributors in the Book
(you'll want to scroll to the bottom to see the inside scoop of a contributor; hoo that sounds naughty)

Andrew S. Delfino of Almost Coherent Parent
Crystal Ponti of MommiFried
Camille DeFer Thompson of Camille DeFer Thompson
Kimberly Morand of Anchor Magazine: Navigating Depression, Bipolar, and Anxiety
Meredith Napolitano of From Meredith to Mommy
Chris Dean of pixie.c.d.
Linda Roy of elleroy was here
Kevin Zelenka of Double Trouble Daddy
Sarah Cottrell of Housewife Plus
R.C. Liley of Going Dad
Mary Widdicks of Outmanned
Marie Bollman of Make Your Own Damn Dinner
Ginny Marie of Lemon Drop Pie
Mike Reynolds of Puzzling Posts
Leigh-Mary Hoffmann of Happily Ever Laughter Blog
Lisa Petty of Lisa R. Petty
Lynn Shattuck of The Light Will Find You
Jeff Bogle of Out With The Kids
Stacey Gustafson of Are You Kidding Me?
Angela Godbout of FRaPS
Courtney Conover of The Brown Girl with Long Hair
Jenny Hills of Express Bus Mama
Marcia Kester Doyle of Menopausal Mother
Julia Arnold of Frantic Mama
Jessica Azar of Herd Management
Susan A. Black of I Like That
Dave Lesser of Amateur Idiot Professional Dad
Sarah del Rio of est. 1975
Nicole R. Wildhood of Naught Be All Else
Angela Keck of Writer Mom’s Blog
Alexa Bigwarfe of No Holding Back
Brian Sorrell of Dadding Full Time
Kathryn Leehane of Foxy Wine Pocket
April Grant of 100lb Countdown
Bev Feldman of Linkouture
Jodi Flaherty of The Noise of Boys
Scott Rigdon of Three Five Zero
Lydia Richmond of Cluttered Genius
Allie Burdick of VITA - Train for Life
Michelle Grewe of Crumpets and Bollocks
Barb Godshalk of Co-Author of Tall Tales and Short Stories from South Jersey
Jonathon Floyd of One Funny Daddy
Amanda Mushro of Questionable Choices in Parenting
Chris Carter of The Mom Cafe

And I want to add, some TMI inside scoop. I got One Funny Daddy to submit something to this book by showing him my boobs. It's ok. You will get to see them soon enough. I'm going to plaster them on merchandise for a charity in October. And why? More inside scoop, speaking of absurd relationship spats... I caught my husband's dick in a facebook group. He posted a dick pic for horny ladies, some of who were friends of mine. I told him I get a freebie now. No I wasn't mad. It's HARD to find a picture of a good penis on the web. Great, now all this talk about penises and boobs is probably going to attract porn websites and Freud's ghost.

You're Such a Troll

2014-09-10T13:00:00.000-04:00

Annie, my 4 year old girl, will argue with you like this. "Mommy open this." You open it, and then she responds, "I wanted to open it. Now I don't want it. I'm never playing ever again because of you."

That has nothing to do with the post. It was just cute.

Trolls lurk under many bridges and in many dark corners of the internet. I, fortunately, haven't had too many trolls simply because I'm not famous enough to get them by the bulk (it's cheaper that way I hear), but some of my friends are.

The sad thing is, I hate to admit this here and now, I can be a troll, and the ugliest troll you've ever seen, with a puss seeping wart on my nose. You probably are too. It's ok. Think back to the moment of ironic hypocrisy you displayed somewhere, whether you were judging someone for being too judgmental, or you were calling someone an asshole in the most assholish way possible, or maybe you preached about Christ's love and charity for the world in the paragraph you wrote about how poor people don't deserve hand-outs. Somewhere along the way, I'm almost certain you exhibited troll like behavior. Why? Because underneath all the civilized, hairless human skin dwells a savage beast in all humans. We are still civilized, don't get me wrong. Instead of just peeing on top of someone else's pee like the alpha beast, we spew venom in the form of hateful words.

The reason I want you to admit that you have trolled through the park at some point in your life... Go ahead. I triple dog dare you. Say it. I was a troll once. It was a dark moment in my day, when I was at a 5-dollar-hooker level low, when the things I would have done for a Klondike Bar are things I did for pleasure... Admit it. The reason I want you to admit this is admitting is the first step toward recovery.

Now that you admitted to it, I triple dog dare you to infinity to challenge yourself to edit your posts. Every time you comment, whether you said, "LOL" or "You're suck a fucking cunt," (because you can't troll without a good old fashioned typo) go back and edit it so that you remove all insults. You remove all name calling. And you do one of the following...

Print out this image and Post It
(get it? Post it?) near your computer.

1. Does the person really deserve a good bollocking? Then replace the mainstream name calling with something much more creative and profound that will surely go over their head to where they might like your insult.

2. Does the person really deserve a good bollocking? Probably not. Ok. Just replace the negative shit with positive shit. Instead of dwelling on what they did wrong, dwell on something they did right. Remind yourself, we are all flawed and imperfect, and that's ok.

3. Is your post funny? Cmon now. Make it funny. Laughter is the best medicine for sadness and it can temporarily relieve asshattery.

Now that I challenged you to this, I challenge myself as well, but not until after I tell you about this post where I trolled the trolls in the name of public shaming and pimping out awesome blog posts with trolled negativity. Check out my examples of some awesome trolling at The Publishing Blogger's Network.

The Real Meaning of Back to School Christmas

2014-09-04T22:19:00.004-04:00

At the end of summer, I always feel like...

At the end of summer, I always feel like a neutered dog. I have this overwhelming groggy feeling with a huge sense that I lost an important piece of me somewhere, and I'm just sitting here asking myself, "What the fuck just happened?"

I don't remember what summers and falls were like before kids outside of the smell of popcorn lingering across the bleachers at a high school football game while my underwear was frozen to my ass, which gave one of those gushing "It's Christmas" feelings in my chest. I love football season. I love autumn.

But now that I have kids, this is a time of year where the glory of sending them back to school is supposed to be a time to celebrate. Summer was full of days where the kids either had cabin fever stuck at home while I got things done, or we were out everywhere blowing pay checks on the cost of going to a pool, or goofy golf, or some little trip designed to amuse the children enough to cure symptoms of cabin fever like blind rage toward each other, walking on the walls, and climbing curtains literally and hope they actually fall asleep before midnight. (Note: I still have the Dora Blanket pinned up to my living room window courtesy of the children's summer redecorating program).

Anticipating the start of the school year reminds me of those days as a child when I anticipated vacation at Disney World or Christmas.

I expected this...

But then the reality of school sets in. The government isn't going to give you free babysitting for free. No. That would be too easy. You have to give them your soul for this trade.

Every year school begins, the schools start demanding a bunch of horse shit tasks of a parent that reminds them why they looked forward to summer to begin with. This year, I had the pleasure of enrolling my youngest in Pre-School. While excited that all 3 kids will be in school, finally, for the first time in my life, I was still hopping on one foot and then dancing on the other while rubbing my head and patting my belly to turn in the necessary paperwork and get the shots up to date and all the jive that comes with enrolling into school. Any time I showed the slightest amount of objection, the schools threatened not to babysit my kids for me. We all know the hardest most demanding job out there is that of a mother, so extra unnecessary tasks is what we love to add to our plate.

I wrote this one myself. Can you tell?

Then school starts and every morning in order to obtain free babysitting services, I have to get my kids there on time. On time. You might as well say, "You have to do a handstand every day with a duck's penis." I know some people are like, "That's not that hard," and duck's penis is not, but when it comes to parenting, those people either don't have kids or they only have like one kid and a bunch of supportive adults helping them. That's ok if you do get help, but you lose the high horse with that. I assure you when it's one woman doing all the work to get 3 kids somewhere, anywhere, "on time" is just not an option. But the schools mandate that we grow this tail out of our ass and defy the basic laws of physics.

One of my infamous excuse reasons on the sign in sheet at school describes what happens every morning with these kids. I'm willing to bet it went over most educators' heads because irony... The centripetal force of my kids is so strong it increased earth's gravitational pull [at our location] thereby slowing down time for us. That's precisely what happens on a metaphorical level, and possibly on a physical literal one as well. Time is relative, meaning it depends on where you are. It's so possible this is what happened to that hour that time you were wiping a butt one minute and then you moved onto finding shoes and you know that did not just take an hour to do, but according to the clock, yes it did.

I honestly suggest looking up the science to what I just said so you can teach it to your kids since the schools won't. And if you didn't click on duck penis earlier, you should. That's biology your kid won't learn at school.

Time Dilation for Dummies
Gravitational Time Dilation on Wikipedia

Common morning experiences getting kids ready for school... At least for me...

all 3 kids decide they can't dress themselves
they want to wear different shirt
they won't wear anything but the dirty pink dress with a gaping hole in the arm pit
they want to pack a lunch last second
they can't find their homework
nobody can find a matching shoe for the life of them (it's usually in the car)
you forgot to make them take a bath the night before and you can tell by smell they aren't wiping right
2 of 3 kids refuse to let you brush their hair, so you chase them like a game of tag tricking them for each hair brush swipe before saying "fuck it go with bed head."
There's a pile of mysterious ketchup on the backpack
The PreK kid's folder is covered, inside and out, in sticky wetness which requires the use of Fantastick and you just read in the 1st grader's folder that you have to fill out this form and turn it in that day and the 3rd grader isn't sure if she even brought her folder home
You see an advertisement for Picture day and have a mini-heart attack that today could be that day before you realize it was last month or it's not until next week. This happens every day.
You realize how messy your house is and find yourself uncontrollably cleaning a little or throwing in a quick load of laundry on your way out the door
You realize, usually about the time you are looking for your car keys, that you are wearing the same clothes you wore yesterday and the school might notice. Then you ponder about the costs and benefits to brushing your teeth as you change your shirt and hope nobody pays attention to pants.
You give 3 kids a shower at once, dry them off at once, dress them at once, find clothes and shoes for 3 kids at once, brush hair at once while they are asking things like, "Why does the color blue look blue?" and "Solma won't stop looking at me!" and "I want to take my fluffy unicorn to school with me, where is it?" It's really the mindfuck of all mindfucks.
After 25 minutes of looking, you found the spare keys (nevermind the actual set you usually use) in a toy box in the closet in the kids' room.
You get everyone to the car for the first time, and one of them has to pee, they forgot something in the house, all now have to pee, or someone pees their pants, or falls into a mud puddle, or sits on an old milkshake your husband left in the car.
The second time you get everyone back into the car, the seat belt buckle won't buckle. She's in the front seat it's my turn to sit in the front. The Pre-K kid now wants to sit in the front knowing she's not allowed to. Someone wants to go in through the window instead of the door. The 3rd grader leaves the car to look at the rocks because we are taking too long.
We start driving to school, FINALLY, and oh shit, I forgot my purse. I need the ID to get into the school building to drop of Pre-K kid. Turn around.
Run in the house to get ID, and put all 3 kids back into the car because I took too long, which is any time longer than it takes for them to unbuckle themselves and "make themselves comfortable."
Show up 5 minutes late and deal with all the dirty glares from teachers and secretaries like I obviously just tarred and feathered my kids in the name of bad parenting. They do look at my kids with pity like, "Those poor kids have such a fucked-up mother."

Dear teachers, can we not make this deal?

No seriously, I won't care that you gave my Gabby Logan's artwork in her folder if you promise not to care that her homework is covered in pancake syrup. I won't care that you give me my Gabby all hyper at the end of the day because you had her sitting still for most of it following absurd rules you made up for a false sense of control if you don't care that I do the exact opposite for cognitive growth and healthy psychological sense of trust, especially since I have no choice because you hogged all the quiet sit still time she could possibly give in a day.

So by the time I actually get to school and drop them off, it's like I just left my stomach and working brain behind because it goes from complete chaos to complete peace in point five. It's so extreme it leaves me a state of blah for most of the day, too much so that I can't actually enjoy the few hours without the kids. The blah even smothers out the guilt of being late, or leaving a head unbrushed, or sending a kid with a lunch box full of marshmallows and fruit snacks, or a kid wearing black sweatpants with a navy blue top and sparkling pink slippers over stained, unmatching white socks. It doesn't really go away until I sleep it off all night, and the next morning, between the first cup of caffeine and the moment I have to wake up the kids for school, I feel human.

Then on top of it, schools are a melting pot of cooties like a hospital nobody disinfected. Yes kids have cooties. Lots of fucking cooties. And we herd them all into a school environment where it is managed, at best, with the occasional use of Clorox Cleanup Wipes. Kids can handle most cooties as their immune systems are developing and battling the germs like no other, but my immune system is old and set in its ways. It doesn't know what the fuck to do with all these germs, so every school year, I get sick. Usually within the first week of school, I'm sick, and I continue to be sick all year round, catching something new about the time I'm getting over something else.

So everything I just described, I generally do it with a sinus-induced migraine, sneezes, snot running out of my nose into my mouth while I'm trying to squeeze a kid into the wrong pair of pants.

Basically, at the end of summer, I feel blah. Numbing blah where I'm identifying what I'm looking at consciously, you know, like computer. That's a computer. TV, the noise is the TV. Dinner, that's something I have to make isn't it?

P.S. If you really think kids go to school to get educated, LOL you are naive. It's been nothing more than a free babysitting service provided by the government for decades. Check America out in how well we compare, in education, with other countries. They are not getting "educated." They are getting "conformed." I'm also not a hippy. I'm just not a sheeple. I'm the type of person who throws away the science textbook so I can read Einstein's notes. I'm such a rebel. No actually I had good teachers who didn't follow curriculum when I was a kid.

P.P.S. This is a blog post about MY FEELINGS. If you decided it was an invite to knock my parenting because you're so perfect (which you are not, you probably suck that bad-parenting cock down better than I ever could), I'm probably going to publicly humiliate you in several places.

For more Finish the Sentence Friday, check out the link-up on Finding Ninee

What I did today that pissed me off.

2014-08-28T22:59:00.002-04:00

Gabby has lots of cavities, like 6 of them, and she's 7 years old. And they hurt bad. This is normal in my house. I can't deny my children the finer things in life like sugar because YOLO.

We go to the only Pediatric Dentist in town, who is a great dentist; unfortunately, I could probably throat punch one of the bitches behind the desk. This is medical care in my neck of the woods at its finest. All front office staff in this area sucks, some so bad regardless how great the doctor is, I won't fuck with them. Most doctors have no idea how to manage staff. I'm seriously thinking about writing a snarky letter to all the nearby medical schools about requiring some general business and management classes in the curriculum.

So anyway, they want to put Gabby under at the hospital to fix her teeth, especially with her autism. This is the advantage of going to a Pediatric Dentist. I'm all for it. We did this with my middle kid when she had a bunch of cavities at the toddler age. It was perfect. They knocked her out. A couple hours later, I'm sitting with her in a room waiting for her to eat something, drink something and worse of all, pee, so we can leave. She experienced no pain, and she loves the dentist.

So we had to get cleared by a regular physician, someone who is willing to be on standby on that day in case shit goes wrong, like if she goes into anaphylactic shock. Only one doctor, supposedly, in town is willing to do that for this dentist, and he does all her patients. They wouldn't let me make the appointment myself. The bitch was rude about it too. Very pushy. So she made the appointment for today. Yesterday the office called Rafael (the husband) to confirm, and he never asked where they were located because that's a question only the person in charge of taking the kid to said appointment would ask.

Here I am this morning. I knew she had to be with Dr. Wolfe by 10:30. I was told numerous times by the dental bitch that if she was late at all, they won't see her ever again. So I Bing'ed (Google on my phone) Dr. Wolfe West Virginia. There are two Dr. Wolfe's in my neighborhood, and one in a nearby town. And for one of the offices I was going to guess, different sites had different phone numbers.

So I picked a phone number, called it, and got "Thank you for calling Dr. Wolfe's office... blah blah blah push 3 to get someone at the front desk." I pushed 3. I explain the situation, multiple offices I have no idea where I'm going and I am on my way. She looked up my daughter, and then gave me another number to try.

I call that number and get a busy signal. My phone didn't log the number I called on account there was no answer. I'm doing this while driving. I'm so glad these people are with the times to know people would be attempting this shit on a smart phone while driving. I did NOT Bing it though while driving.

So I call the original number back for the number she gave me because by this time, I forgot. I figure, this is a good time to ask questions about how many Dr. Wolfe's exist in the area and where they are. They answered the phone with, "Do you mind holding please?" And i was like fine. How much you want to bet they come back while I'm in Burger King's drive thru trying to order my precious double bacon croissant?

Well, they never got back to me. I waited 10 minutes before hanging up. I then called the dentist. I explained everything to the receptionist, who then responded with, "You need to talk to [the bitch I'd love to throat punch]. It took her about 3 minutes to answer her phone. She's pissed. She thinks the appointment SHE MADE is at 10:00 AM and not 10:30, and the time is 10:10. She was like, "They probably won't see you now that you are late. There's no other doctor who will do this. We can't do the surgery." I'm thinking, "Bitch I already paid you cash to do this surgery you will do it." No, instead, I was like, "Well if they won't see her, I'll just find someone myself of my choice who will." She was like, "Nobody else will." I'm like, "I'm sure I can find someone." Mind you, my mom is really good friends with a doctor in her choir. He would do this for us easy. It was as if her neurotic bitchness wanted me to freak out. I just refused to freak out, no matter how much she tried to get me to all demonic like.

Then I realized, my brain backtracking in the conversation, she has the wrong appointment time in her head. This isn't the first time she did this to me. She has a record of fucking up appointments. Back in July, I made an appointment with her on my way out the door with Gabby for Annabelle. She made the appointment some day in August. I put it in my Google Calendar. I know it was in August. I remember thinking, "Damn, you know she has a cavity you can see, like you can't get her in any sooner than that? Really? A whole month?"

YES ALL THREE OF MY KIDS HAD CAVITIES. Yes I feel bad for it. No I won't stop giving them Splenda or sugar. Yes we are flossing now and I'm getting on the teeth brushing thing better.

Day of appointment, I'm driving Annabelle to the mall to shop, and my phone notifies me of the appointment a half hour before it. So we go to it. They were like, "You missed it. It was in July." I'm like "No, the appointment was for today." They kept reiterating how I MISSED the appointment, and then I was like, "No, I did not miss the appointment. That is right now. Today. I am here. You guys missed the appointment. Quit saying that I missed the appointment. You missed it." I'm almost certain bitch changed it without notifying me. They offered to let me wait with my overactive 4 year old for a couple hours for them to squeeze her in. LMAO. These bitches are on some shit if they think I'm going to sit for a few hours in their waiting room with my kid. You can tell these bitches never reproduced, and they really don't know children enough to be working with them in my opinion.

Anyway, I correct bitch on the phone. "The appointment is at 10:30. We will be late if you don't tell me where the office is. Given how long it obviously takes to call someone to find an office location, we're probably going to be a little late. This is why you need to do business with someone with better customer service." Seriously, I never had this problem looking for a Macy's.

She tells me, despite her bad direction giving. I asked the right questions to find where I needed to go. She did the whole, "Well I'll call and tell them what's going on and maybe, just maybe, they will forgive this and see her." Yeah. Thanks for the "favor." Now that's some sociopathic bull shit right there. You know, if she would have let me make the appointment myself, I would have learned BEFORE the appointment that there were multiple offices and I would have asked where it was.

So then I get there at 10:30 exactly. I sign my kid in. We wait 10 minutes, and the lady calls me up to the desk. "You have the wrong office. We don't have a Gabrielle on schedule. You want the one next door."

Ok. Next door I can work with. I get in there, and mind you, the way this works...

The building is one building connected, with multiple doors into various businesses separated by walls. Shopping complex like. But this office, they were not separated by a wall. They were separated by the front desk windows. Imagine a square where the back is not a wall but a hall. The front is the main wall to the outside. The left is a window. The right is a window. And two receptionists who couldn't communicate with each other, "Hey do you have a Gabby on your schedule?" are working there. There are two Dr. Wolfe's working out of this office. One is a pediatrician. The one we need to see.

I get there at 10:45. I signed her in as getting there at 10:30 because nurses chart whatever the fuck they want. Seriously they do. When they forget to take your temperature when they were supposed to, best believe it's on your chart that they took your temperature, and it was normal. Now if you die from a fever nobody tracked, they probably won't get sued because your family will have no idea someone neglected to take your temperature. This actually does happen, a lot, especially in nursing homes. So, if they chart whatever they want, I will too. We were there at 10:30. Just the wrong side.

Then the woman with no eye contact made us wait 25 minutes before handing me paperwork to fill out. We were there almost an hour before seeing the doctor. Mind you, this is the place that won't see you ever again if you are late.

Now this front desk lady was rude too. When I turned in the paperwork, I started to ask, "Is it ok if I just leave this here?" and she interrupted at "is it ok" with, "I'll be with you in a moment." I watched her for 5 minutes doing stuff, and I rudely watched her, you know the obvious stare, until she got to me. Then of course, "Do you have your insurance card?" and I'm like, "I'm not sure. My kids played in my wallet recently and stuff like that disappears when they do, hold on." She was like, "If you don't have it, we can't see you." Now I'm sorry, but I'd really like to go 10 whole fucking minutes today without hearing someone saying, "We can't see you." Bitch I'm paying you. I'm the pimp. You're the ho. Know your place.

In the paperwork, I discover their policy is if you are more than 20 minutes late, they can't see you, and if you are a first-time patient of theirs, they won't reschedule a no-show.

So pissed off, livid, I get to the doctor. I had every intention on giving this guy a crash course in Customer Service 101. No. It NEVER works that way. He was really super nice. He was great with kids. High Five. How old are you? What school do you go to? Ok, while I do this, try not to laugh. Ok, laugh, but don't fart.... Great doctor.

And now Gabby wants to switch to him for her regular doctor.

SIGH

PS. Super pissed we are in a culture where it's ok for healthcare to hold your kid's health hostage to make you play their bull shit games, even if you are paying the overpriced prices. You know, if a pizza joint did this, nobody would eat that pizza.

PPS. Now you see why kid's appointments is almost a full time job? I could hire someone to do this if I could afford the hours.

The Boogeyman IS Real! Sort of.

2014-08-21T22:03:00.001-04:00

When I was a kid, I really believed that monsters were real. Not the boogeyman. Not Santa Claus. No, church had me convinced that Satan and his army of invisible demons was out to get me and eat my soul.

Now exactly what is more sadistic? Evil people trying to take over the world by genocide? Or scaring the shit out of little children for shits and giggles? At least evil people had a price, and it wasn't cheap.

I spent many sleepless nights in prayer while singing praise songs from church in hopes that it would scare off my boogeymen. Norman Rockwell didn't do a print about that now did he? I remember often times being too scared to even walk all the way to my parents' room, so most nights were spent facing the greatest fear of them all, being alone.

If only demons were really this sexy... mmm David Grohl

I'm not sure if my parents' arms could bring comfort to me at that point because what is that going to do to demons? They want my parents' soul too, according to the church. The ONLY power that can stop this monster is God, who just also happens to be invisible, so you have no idea if it's working.

I was able to maintain through most of my childhood via stuffed animals. I watched The Velveteen Rabbit once, and somewhere in the story, they insinuated that if you loved a stuffed animal enough, it becomes a real soul. Love is so powerful it can create life in the after-life. So that was my mission. While Satan was busy building an army worthy of Mordor, I was building mine. I know. The shit that goes on in the mind of a child.

My army consisted of tigers. They were my Marines. My foot soldiers. I also had dogs, because I needed a loyal companion. Dinosaurs were my tanks. I even had Air Power: an angel teddy bear and a Pegasus. These were all animals I worked hard at loving to give them a soul, so they can fight the monsters for me. Every night I felt a teensy bit scared, I lined them up in formation on the parts of the bed I wasn't using, creating a wall of kick-ass between me and the demons.

Fluffy, my Fluppy Dog, became my right hand man, organizing and training the army in my absence as I had really important things to do like play with Barbie dolls. I got her for Christmas when I was 6 years old in 1984, almost a month after my husband was born. That year, I really wanted a Barbie Mansion like my friend Tonya had. One with an elevator. It was the ONLY thing I really wanted. I thought the huge wrapped box had to be the Barbie Mansion, and I saved it for last. I opened the thing, and inside this box was not a barbie mansion. It was a stupid, small stuffed dog. My mom apparently couldn't find a box to fit it in, so she opted for the over-sized one big enough to fit a bike. Fluffy found her way to my closet piled of toys to be ignored for months until the demons scared me, and I couldn't find any comfort until I grabbed her randomly from that closet. Soon later, I recruited more soldiers.

To the left is Fluffy, my right hand man and personal assistant. Of course, she always forgets to remind me
of all my appointments. I don't know why. She has seen better days. Remember, she turns 30 this December, which makes her like 133 in dog years. To the right is Sher Khan. He's my bodyguard and a huge fan of irony.

As I grew older, I learned that the battle between good and evil isn't between angels and demons, but within the heart of every angel and demon. Demons are not monsters. They are evil yes, but when God decides to conquer hell, they won't be evil anymore. Love is the powerful weapon against evil, not because it divides with war, but because it unites with peace. So I learned not to fear the monsters of the night, but to embrace whatever good I find in them. But if I'm wrong about this, God now has tigers, bears and a one-eyed Pegasus to add to his Army of Angels. Fluffy and the Archangel Michael hopefully won't argue too much about who is in charge, but if they do, I got my money on Fluffy because she won't hesitate to give you the cute puppy dog face.

I am 35 years old, and I still have Fluffy. The kids love her.

I'm not sure where the rest of my animal army is, but maybe I'll find them again in the afterlife.

This is part of Finish the Sentence Friday. You can find more about what bloggers believed as children by going to Finding Ninee.

From Constipated to Poop

2014-08-21T09:10:00.000-04:00

GET THIS ON A T-SHIRT

Constipation sucks. Like the day is thrown off if you miss your morning poop, and some people like Insane in the Mom Brain depends on her "daily constitutional" to avoid death cramps of flatulent poop spears piercing her innards. Read one of her best blog posts ever, a photo-essay of how the universe was mocking her constipation. You might want to wait until after you read mine because I might suck in comparison to her.

Now I know as a mother, it would be easier if you didn't poop. Shit just literally gets in the way of getting shit done. Kids won't let us poop. I mean could you imagine the workforce if they weren't allowed to take a poop break? Ha. Sometimes we may consider eating MRE's just for the reason that it backs you up: it's how the military survives long-term situations where the urge to take a crap might get you killed. Sometimes we are happy we have too much iron from the prenatals backing us up. But in reality, if you don't poop regularly, you won't fit in your only pair of pants that aren't yoga pants, and it's hard to bend down and pick stuff up and clean and function when you got a 10 pound turd ball hanging at the edge of your ass pushing the acid up your intestines through your stomach and into your chest.

Stay regular.

Here's some almost all-natural tips to stay regular

1. Metamucil and other forms of fiber is kind of obvious. But it belongs here.

2. Apple Juice and Prune Juice doesn't actually work that well, but doctors swear by it.

3. Coffee. Better than Prune Juice, this anal explosion will clean you out within hours of drinking it. You will swear you lost 10 pounds. I just don't understand why doctors don't recommend this one first.

4. Energy Drinks and Diet Pills. Not all of these are all-natural, but they do come in all-natural versions. They act like coffee, or a laxative. You won't just shit, but it will be nice and loose like a Las Vegas whore.

5. Magnesium is a natural muscle relaxer and laxative. If the stimulants are too much, this is another option.

6. Anal sex is like an all-natural enema, unless you are a Christian, then it's not so natural.This is the one Dr. Oz will never tell you about.

7. Taco Bell. This one explains itself I think.

For kids, I recommend the less-natural chocolate laxative. Sometimes natural methods are just not as safe and effective as the not-so-natural options. Do not give children energy drinks or coffee, unless you want to slow down time by increasing earth's gravitational pull from the centripetal force of a hyper kid.

Water and exercise are also supposed to help with the regularness, but I wouldn't know. I never tried those things.

Why didn't Raisin Bran ever attempt this angle?

You can also read Jenny from Holdin' Holden's infamous story about poop.

Something else to buy...

My Back to School To Do List...

2014-08-15T09:21:00.002-04:00

Your words are:

genius ~ stupidity ~ brain ~ science ~ art ~ insanity

They were submitted by: http://thesadderbutwisergirl.com

It's almost time for my kids to go back to school. I have almost a weekend in between now and the first day of school. I just read Jen Mann's thought-provoking post about things she found on Pinterest to do before school starts and reasons they suck, and now I feel like I just woke up 2 hours after I was supposed to be at work, and I'm asking myself, "What the fuck happened to my alarm clock?"

What did happen to it? I swear I set that alarm for the end of July. When did August get here? Why didn't I get a memo about August?

Now anyone who reads my blog knows I'm not a June Cleaver Pinterest-Perfect mom on my best day, and there are many other moms who are on board with me on this, "that's bull shit" bandwagon much like Jen Mann's post I mentioned above. I thought June Cleaver was the kind of mom I was going to be back in my young, naive stupidity days before motherhood, but my experiences have led me to believe one of the following occurs with perfect parents out there otherwise known as the June Cleavers:

1. They are faking it. They don't do half the shit they claim to do.

2. They are neglecting their kid in the name of doing everything for their kid.

3. They only have one kid, and an army of adults to help them care for that one kid.

4. They aren't human. They are aliens plotting to destroy the earth with Mount Fuji High expectations designed to create overworked, sleep-deprived slave parent drones for future abductions.

Mind you, I'm totes aware that half of my obstacles with parenting was the fact that I had 3 girls, back to back. It's a different ball game with kids that close in age. So knowing this about me, this is my to-do list for school. This is the survival guide of the fittest. It is not someone faking it. It won't neglect your kids to where you are screaming, "STOP FIGHTING" as they are pounding each others faces while you are desperately looking at a clothing tag for the size as you are sorting for what to donate...

1. Enroll the kids who are not automatically enrolled.

In my case, this is the Pre-K. The last kid. This I started in March. The day they opened pre-k registration, I camped out at the school around 3AM waiting for 7AM. There were already 5 other mothers camping with me. It's the only free pre-school, and the only pre-school that operates more than 3 hours a day, 3 days a week, in a 10 mile high-traffic radius, and it only has room for like 5 kids who aren't Head Start. Now I know some moms don't mind driving 20 minutes or a half hour to get their kid to school, but try getting 3 kids to two schools 30 minutes apart at the same time.

Then last week, I got a call from the school demanding the immunization records and birth certificate or the kid doesn't get to go. She said it in a threatening manner just like that too. The immunizations, I got what I could faxed. Now the birth certificate, they want one from the state, not the one they give you when you give birth, so the one I have isn't good enough. So I drove all 3 of my kids an hour one way to the state Capitol, got the piece of paper waiting in a long line with 3 kids, drove back without stopping to shop, and gave the school the piece of paper.

2. Do some laundry.

You don't have to do all the laundry. I mean what kind of life would you have if your laundry was caught up? Ha. No, just make sure you have a good week's worth of clean clothes for the kids. When it comes to things like getting laundry caught up and sorting through clothes packing away summer clothes, giving away out-grown clothes, washing winter coats... Do all that other shit while they are at school. You'll be more productive if you don't have them tugging on your leg every 30 seconds. I feel like the Pinterest Genius with my, "Wait until AFTER school starts," like duh!

3. "Sew" Clothes

I know this sounds Pinterest, but it's not. My kids have a lot of holes on the knees of their pants, those stretchy leg warmer pants we wear under skirts and long shirts that you can wear all year. That's most of what they wear. So I went to Walmart and got fabric swatches that were cheap and cool looking, and fabric glue. I glued those SOB's over the holes on the insides of the pants. I did the iron-on glue. The hardest part was not gluing the pants together or getting cardboard on the glue from in between. Next round, I'm trying parchment paper in between the pants. I did this on the living room floor while watching Netflix after the kids went to bed.

4. Shop back to school items

I still have to shop some back to school clothes, something we don't normally do until mid-fall for sales, better clothing options as winter gear isn't really out in August, and more money (I always seem to be waiting for some big check around September). But the things we do get before school starts...

Backpacks.
Back-up Backpacks (cheap ugly ones on sale) because my kids won't go to school without one, and they are so young they don't really need one.
Art shit by Crayola so they have the false sense of getting back to school supplies they don't need because the school supplies that shit. Don't worry, they'll play with them, lose them, and break them before school starts. It was just for fun.
Folders. The school provides a folder, but they expect you to clean it out daily. Psssht. As if I have no life right? Get a folder for the backpack designed to move the school papers over to that folder. Teach your kid to do it.
Shoes. This the mother-in-law does. But shoes are important because they ruin all their shoes in the summer.

5. Paper Bin for each kid.

You don't want to keep this where the kids can find it or reach it, but you want a bin for each kid to throw the papers you don't throw away. The art work. Some of the hand-writing if you do what I do... I once tried one of those little wall hanging things. They are still up there with kid names on it. No, you fill it up too fast. The schools hate trees and are trying to kill all the rainforests with the amount of paper they send home. I also tried a file in the filing cabinet. Again, I was thinking too small. You need a real bin, like something that can hold a comforter.

What I did one year, and will do again this year... When my oldest finished first grade, I grabbed a stack of her papers from school with her handwriting, and I turned it into a font. I want to do that with all my kids. I might write a how-to some day, or provide it as a paid service maybe... The artwork is also going to be a font that I shall call Refrigerator Art.

This year, I'm also thinking of seeing how annoying it is to recycle paper for all the girl scouts ads, parenting magazines, nutrition sheets, fundraisers and 3 page papers about field trips.

This is about it.

The sleep schedule? That will happen on its own, and it's easier to just let the school day do it for you because the activity they do at school, you can never mimic it at home because you don't have all the kids the school has. The socializing wears them down more than playing outside, and you need that in order to get them to actually fall asleep before 10 PM. For those who make their kids lay down at 9PM and yell at them to go to sleep until midnight, seriously, stop stressing about it.

In fact, just about everything you can possibly think to do you should wait until school starts and you have all those hours to yourself to do them. Now my

AFTER SCHOOL STARTS THINGS TO DO

1. Clean the house
2. Shampoo carpets
3. Sort through clothes prepping for winter
4. Type things in Google Calendar as the kids bring home school stuff
5. Teach science since the schools don't anymore for my kids' age. We have a microscope and telescope now.
6. Find my brain I lost this summer.
7. Get the flu shots because the schools are filled with mini-assassins trying to kill you with germs, just like they did with the Indians.
8. Lysol the classroom when teachers aren't looking because number 7.
9. Prep house for flu season disinfection
10. Fuck my husband

Embrace the peace of having the day to yourself, and the insanity school makes you pay for it. Don't volunteer for anything.

Links to the other “Use Your Words” posts:

http://Bakinginatornado.com Baking In A Tornado

http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/ Spatulas on Parade

http://themomisodes.com The Momisodes

http://thethreegerbers.blogspot.ch/ Confessions of a part-time working mom

http://www.JuiceboxConfession.com Juicebox Confession

http://www.eviljoyspeaks.wordpress.com Evil Joy Speaks

http://followmehome.shellybean.com Follow me home . . .

http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com Someone Else’s Genius

http://www.crumpetsandbollocks.com Crumpets and Bollocks

http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/ Stacy Sews and Schools

http://berghamchronicles.blogspot.com The Bergham’s Life Chronicles

http://thesadderbutwisergirl.com The Sadder But Wiser Girl

Also Check out Abandoning Pretense and Why She's Not Ready to go Back to School.

How Twinkies Could Change the World and Amazing Things My Body Has Done

2014-08-07T23:07:00.004-04:00

I'm in TWO HOPS today, not like beer hops, like blog hops. The thing where I ask you to invest your entire day, in the name of your sanity, reading blogs. Secret Subject Swap has a different topic for each blogger, and Finish the Sentence Friday has the same for everyone. Please grab a cup of your favorite adult beverage and check them out if you get a chance, drop a comment, and give some social media luv humps for your favorites.

Your “Secret Subject” is:

What's the one thing you would do to change the world?

It was submitted by: http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/

I always have said, for years, if I ever run into a genie in a magic lamp, my world peace wish would be that all the cum tastes like the cream filling of a Twinkie, and it doesn't make you fat, and ingesting it would cure cancer. Why? Blow jobs suck. Literally and figuratively. With the word of one wish, I'd increase worldwide happiness and joy making oral sex more pleasurable for both parties involved. I may not be able to completely stop the violence as humans will always have violent tendencies. You just can't remove the savage beast from a wild animal, no matter how much you domesticate it. But overall happiness would greatly improve by increasing oral sex. I just hope it's not really a sin like the Bible suggests because a healthy sex life is a healthy psyche, but I don't want to damn the world in the name of Freudian Health Care.

The only downfall to this wish is that men would stop enjoying blow jobs like they do now. In regular society, men bitch every time a woman hits PMS. They avoid her because they don't want to deal with insane mood swings or absurd bitchiness. If I had my wish, what would happen is you'd find men during that week hunkered down in a corner hiding, protecting his jewels with the cup of his hand, as his woman is wandering around, "I want my twinkie!" Cmon now, you know PMS would be the time we'd crave that cock like it's chocolate or ranch dressing. They would eventually get sick of blow jobs. It would become a charity deal. "Ok you can suck my pocket rocket, but only because I care about you and your health." We'd be paying more money for jack-off juice, and there would be a black market of it where once you go black, you never go back. It would probably sell for more than cocaine, and the FBI would thoroughly enjoy catching people red-handed.

So blow jobs would still suck, but cancer would bite it. Don't freak. We'd find a way to give it to kids without the grossness of sex, which coincidentally makes kids.

If magic wasn't involved, and I didn't have children, I'd probably become a corporate hitman. I'd take some companies down in takeover just for the money so I can afford some mercenaries, but then I'd reinvest it into taking down the corporations trying to take over the world in all the conspiracy theories like Pinky and the Brain. I'd literally TAKE the power back. Then I'd rebuild them with normal people, like people who care about their water being safe and not fucking over a country for a bigger bonus.

See below for links in this hop.

Finish the Sentence Friday
The most amazing thing my body has done is... (Ruchira Khanna)

1. I can lick my own elbows.

2. I used to wrap my legs around my neck and walk on my hands.

3. Before the onslaught of my ass, I could escape out of handcuffs in less than 30 seconds. Totally made me a dom in bondage scenarios.

4. One time I hacked up a huge bright green loogie that impressed me, but not as much as crapping out a turd the size of a baseball. Those moments make you wonder why anal sex and deep throating is so uncomfortable.

5. In the military, I had to walk a gauntlet of vaccinations. I mean, you stood in line with your t-shirt rolled up over your shoulder and your pants un-buttoned halfway off your ass. You took a step forward and 2 shots in the arm. Another step, and another 2 shots in the arm. Another step, and a Penicillin shot in the ass, and for those who never had that done, let's just say bikini wax sounds delightful after having a needle the size of a fang shoved into your skin inserting what felt like venom into your veins leaving a bruise-like knot that sent pain shooting through all attached nerves for a few hours. The military was so sympathetic to all of us in pain that they made us run a couple miles in boots and utz (combat uniform).

6. About every other day, I do something so uncoordinated, you'd think it was orchestrated and I was the most talented individual you ever met. Like for instance, I can drop a piece of chocolate because I missed my mouth, and it can bounce off my boobs, onto a table, off my knee and land in the opening of a can of soda. While you think that's amazing, I'm thinking, "Damn, I really wanted to eat that." I can also trip over something, catch my balance landing my left foot on a piece of paper that slides me into a perfect split. One time, I was walking into the kitchen, and as I approached the area I keep my mop and bucket, the mop slipped right as I was walking by it, like not even seconds before I was there, and I walked right into the stick of the mop with enough force to knock the mop up out of the bucket and directly into my face. Another time, I was carrying in each kid one by one late at night in the rain, and as I walked out to get the last kid out of the car, I could hear her crying. So I of course started to run her way, jumping off the curb, landing on a pebble, spraining my ankle as I dove into a mud puddle head first. Then I carried her in on a softball sized swollen ankle, and went back out for the groceries carrying that in without ever looking at my ankle to see the damage. It still hurts to this day.

7. I can eat a whole pie in one sitting.

8. I have stayed awake for 72 hours straight, slept 4 hours, and then pulled another 72 hours. I did this for a month.

9. One time I was wrestling this Marine, and he grabbed my wrist and twisted it in a way that sent shooting pain down my arm, and I reacted by flipping up on a table next to us, freeing my hand, flipping off the table behind him, and then I grabbed the back of his head and yanked him down to the ground, catching him before he hit. This all happened in the blink of an eye, and I have no idea how I did it. No idea where it came from. Maybe I just watch too much Jet Li. Another time I was wrestling a 3rd degree blackbelt, and he had me pinned down. I was on my stomach, and he was on my back holding my legs down with one hand, my hands down with another hand, and he dug his chin into my spine. I flapped like a fish and we flew off the sofa 3 feet over with a walk breaking the fall about 3 to 4 feet up in the air. He dumped me after that swearing I was possessed with the devil.

10. Three times now, probably the most amazing thing my body has done, my vagina crapped out a wad of baby. Yes, I made a tiny human. I worked really hard at making that, and had loads of fun.

Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts. Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there:

Baking In A Tornado

The Momisodes

Spatulas on Parade

Stacy Sews and Schools

Sparkly Poetic Weirdo

Confessions of a part-time working mom

Crumpets and Bollocks

Climaxed

Dinosaur Superhero Mommy

Someone Else’s Genius

The Bergham’s Life Chronicles
Juicebox Confession
Evil Joy Speaks
Follow Me Home

How to Really Win a Debate

2014-08-06T13:39:00.000-04:00

When up against ignorant people, the best thing to do is walk away. Well most of us can't do that, but at some point, you have to at least realize you are talking to a brick wall and completely wasting your time.

It helps to understand why some people believe what they believe. Most people consider their opinions to be a form of self-identity, and many find their tribe based on that. Remember back in high school when they had cliques? That is still relevant in adulthood. Instead of being the cheerleader where it's expected for you to dress cute in a fake tan with a fake smile, now you are the crunchy person where your friends are going to be offended if you eat gluten and don't support gun control.

I do suspect some of my "conservative" friends have opinions that are in-line to the Republican platform because they want people like me to perceive them as wealthy business merchants, which is why they would totally give away their rights to things like clean water for more important things like corporate profit maximization. It is part of their identity to be about numbers and money as opposed to morals and responsibility, wait a minute... All that's supposed to be part of the conservative identity... Oh the tribe. The "important" people running the corporation is a friend of a friend of a friend... And of course, they want you to know all the important people they know, because that makes them important, and of course, because they are important, they want to make sure that laws don't impede on their importantness. Because it's really not about what they stand for, but about who they are.

So now that you know the psychology behind any debate, like "Anti-Vaxxers" and "Pro-Vaxxers." You can easily see this situation to finding the truth, "how safe are vaccines?" is just as complex as the human mind because of the human mind. Studies have shown using facts only makes them resort to myths all the more. By trying to "help them see the light," we are only pushing them farther into the darkness. Why? Personal Identity. When you attack an argument with facts, they see it as an attack on their character. Keep in mind that no matter how you feel, "they" is also YOU.

Tips to Actually Win the Internets in a Debate

1. Fight debauchery with humor.

You can quickly deescalate a heated argument by saying something incredibly ridiculous, full of nonsense and laced with humor. There really is no reason to have the other person walk off pissed off. I mean we aren't here to ruin each others days. Be the bigger person.

I have used pictures of my boobs holding an object for charity as a great diffusing device when up against men. They usually stop arguing with me and start flirting. Yeah, basically I flash a man mid-meltdown. Men are so easy. It also works on my husband, in case you ever get into a debate with him. (You're Welcome Rafael). Women, on the other hand, not so much. You really have to get a feel for the type of woman you are dealing with, and try to appeal to her sense of humor. For instance, if she seems to enjoy man bashing, then throw in a good man bashing joke, even if you are a man. The point is you want to connect with her (or him if you are too shy to flash people) in some fashion. People are kinder to people they have a bond with. In other words, it helps to remind them you are human on an emotional level.

Some people are straight dicks and do not find you funny just because they hate you. Like if someone else said what you said, they'd love it. But because you said it, they don't. In that case, don't make them laugh. I usually block those people. For real, I don't care if you slept with my husband once, or if you punched me in the face last year, or if you talk about me behind my back, but the moment you decide I'm just not funny, now that's just uncalled for. I don't want to read your posts. Goodbye.

2. Call them out on their method.

For instance, my mom and I were "debating" once on the telephone. When her logic and facts were no longer working in her favor to win the argument, she shifted it into an emotional debate. She said that I obviously don't respect her if I disagree with her. I explained, "Shifting the argument into an emotional crisis does not change the fact that.... and if I did disrespect you, I would have used more bad English like my sister." When that sunk in, we were able to discuss both the topic of debate and her emotions, separately, to a place of agreement and closure.

Most arguments are psychological. It's not about facts. It's not about truth. It's about the human mind. When you can discover the psychology behind people's methods of argument (not the logic), you can approach that. Most people don't want to admit their psychological details to a perfect stranger let alone any flaw to themselves, so they will often disagree with you, but they will also usually stop doing what you claimed they do just to spite you.

3. Socratic Questioning

This is an art, but once mastered, it can be the most effective way to get people to change their minds. I say that because it's the method Jesus Christ used well (in addition to Socrates). I'm not at Jesus Christ level of using this method.

The point of the method is to help people discover the truth for themselves. You can tell me that 2 + 2 = 4, and I can memorize that number and do well with math, but I won't actually learn how to add until I take 2 items, add 2 items, and count, for myself, that there are 4 items total. You can tell people what to believe, or you can show them a better method of finding their own belief for themselves. If you are right, what you stand for should speak for itself. All you need to do is give the person the right questions so that whatever you stand for can speak to them.

It's usually a very invited method into an argument because everyone loves to answer questions about themselves because narcissism.

You can also use this method to annoy the ever living fuck out of people, and to confuse them more. So be careful with it.

4. The most important factor to winning a debate is to be right in the first place.

Most people formulate an opinion and then search and dig for facts and logic that supports their opinion. I am the type of person to formulate my opinion based on facts and logic, which means, I do the reading first and the thinking about it later. Someone just went, "Aha!" My opinions do change as I incorporate new data into the formation of the opinion; however, not many people offer NEW data into a debate compared to what I've already read and researched on the subject, unless the subject is something I have never researched like genetics of yellow-bellied marmots, in which case, I have no opinion. In other words, I don't argue about stuff I don't know.

If you start forming your opinions on actual facts, your opinion will be harder to argue. It's hard to lose an argument when you are the closest thing to being right as possible giving the current data on the situation. People think I'm on a high horse with this, but I am. I did my homework already.

With this, do not be afraid to not know. This has two parts. If you pretend to know something you don't know, you will at least look stupid to the people who do know. The easiest method is to swallow your IQ pride and just admit, "I'm not familiar with that subject," and if you follow it with, "tell me more about it," you will diffuse an argument and turn it more into an actual debate. It makes the person realize that you respect their opinion and give them some credibility.

The second part, it's ok if you don't have an opinion on something. If you really have no idea what happened between Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman to decide guilt, then just say, "I have no opinion yet because I don't know what happened enough to have one." You're also allowed to say, "I don't really care. I'm kind of busy living my life I just don't have the time or interest to google." Yes. I said it. Let it be known in someone else's memoirs that it was I, Michelle L. Grewe, who said, "You're allowed to not give a shit."

If you did your homework, this is my issue, try not to give all the information out in every argument. You appear to be a "Know-it-all," and nobody likes that. While I'm sitting here trying to be Wikipedia, teaching people something, others are taking it as an insult to their intelligence. If they wanted to learn, they'd look it up. They aren't there to learn.

5. Let them Win a Parting Gift

Most people are sore losers. Not many people giggle, "you got me there," or respond, "touche." Most of the time, they search for an argument they think they can win and change the subject, whether it's about your grammar or your manners.

For instance, I have a friend. When we argue, and we argued about this before, it almost ended our friendship... She claimed a sentence like, "She ate dinner and then fell asleep," should have a comma before the word "and" because "and" is a conjunction. I explained that a conjunction joins two independent clauses (being two phrases containing both a subject and a verb) together. In the case of that sentence, you have two verbs and one subject (and independent clause and a dependent one). There would be a comma if you wrote it, "She ate dinner, and then SHE fell asleep." My friend disagreed profusely. I mean we were in a screaming, yelling match over a fucking comma. After showing her 10 different grammar books backing up my claim, she finally was like, "You have to at least agree with me that a comma does go before a conjunction, which is my argument all along."

If you find any opportunity to let them know they were right about something and they aren't total idiots in your mind, let them know... "You were very right about...." Give them a parting gift of some sort.

Remember, you aren't changing the world by debating. You are not solving any world problems by having an opinion. You are just "Discussing" things.

You don't have to turn everything into a debate. I believe some people have such low self-esteems they find themselves wanting to always debate for the false sense of winning, like somehow their dick grows 4 inches just by believing with all of their heart that they are talking to an idiot. But what they do is turn something unemotional like gun control statistics into a passion seeking venue, and I'm sorry but those people just suck at passion. I mean seriously, if the most passionate thing you've done all week is display statistics of crime, you really need to step off the computer and enter the bedroom. Read this Guide to Masturbation. You're welcome. Now that's passion. Make love to yourself. Literally, go fuck yourself. Best advice I ever got in a debate.

Meanwhile, remember to really win a debate, you both walk away from it happy. If you "cremate" them with your facts and what not, you look like an ass, so you didn't really win anything. If you lose the debate and resort to mature things like name-calling and other sore-loser asshattery, then you look like an ass, so you didn't really win anything. In other words, when two people argue, all the passerby sees is two assholes. The only way to WIN a debate where someone agrees that you won is to either not debate in the first place, or end it.

Remember, the other person's opinion really doesn't matter. It won't make you rich. It won't solve a problem. It won't make your bacon taste any better or make your pussy more pleasurable. It's ok if they disagree. They can think the sun is made of hot nacho cheese for all you care. Now that you read that, it will still irk you when someone says something stupid like, "Stop killing my baby with your use of the word retard." You will still speak up. "How clumsy of me, I didn't realize your baby was a retard." And the Asshat Award will go to you, and you will display it with pride.

Internet Debates: Cheap Tactics People Vomit

2014-07-31T11:51:00.001-04:00

Get This Shirt at my Store

Internet debates are like a form of crack that suck you into a world of dumbfuckery to where you neglect major life duties like a shower or sleep because "someone on the internet is wrong." They are so addicting, some people have to create drama just for the high of a debate, and others, they flock to it like drunks to a place that serves breakfast. I'm the latter. If I see any status of my friends on facebook that shows an ounce of drama and debate, I'm there just to read the asshattery and state my opinion, with popcorn (sometimes, it's a great spectator sport).

In the heat of a great internet debate, you have different types of debaters and cheap tactics people use. You are probably one of these people, at some point. I'm sorry if I offend you. Hahahahahahahaha, no I'm not. I tried to type it with a straight face though. I really did.

You should totally share this when you see ~~friends~~ frienemies who fall under these categories, you know, for passive aggressiveness, especially if you are on ~~Facebook~~ Vaguebook.

1. The Researcher

I like these people. They are my favorite kinds of people on the internet. They are the ones who post the snopes link in the comments showing your story is bull shit. You can't debate with them without them showing links to prove their argument, usually packed with facts, statistics, and truth. They are awesome for the most part.

They can POTENTIALLY have two downfalls that turn their awesome quickly into asshattery. For many of them, sometimes your argument is invalid because you didn't supply a link, or you didn't supply a "credible" link. It's really hilarious when these people get into such a sheeple mindframe that they think their link from a biased organization designed to promote their argument is more credible than wikipedia. In fact, don't ever dare to give them a wikipedia link because, "haha, anyone can write that," as if the rest of the internet was written by God himself. They don't even care if their sources are cited in the bibliography because they are superior to you intellectually for supplying the cited sources as opposed to the wiki link that took them to that place in the first place.

The second downfall? As if things can't get any worse. When their link supports your argument more than it does theirs, and they are just too stupid to realize it. You can quote their link all you want, but you are talking to a brick wall. For example: You are anti-gun control. He is pro-gun control. He shares a link that states in the 3rd paragraph that studies show gun control doesn't curb gun related crimes. He posted that link to support gun control because it's from a liberal website, and he probably didn't read it. You mention the third paragraph, and he ignores it completely stating the link supports gun control with studies and facts. Where's your studies and facts? Oh you don't have any. Well that one you provided doesn't count because I don't like the source. The other one I didn't feel like reading, and my link doesn't count because I provided it and not you.

2. The wolf pack

You see this one more in female groups, more specifically, mom groups. But these are people who act like cyber-bullies, usually unaware they are being bullies. They operate in packs. They are the ones who post statuses like, "Hey, did you read that mean comment someone left me? Here's the link." The people who usually argue on their behalf are only arguing on their behalf, nevermind the topic, it's about loyalty. For the most part, this is a great way to combat trolls.

Image from one of my most favorite people on the web:Hyperbole and a Half

For example, someone I know wrote a blog about the difficult decision to give away her dog. It just wasn't really compatible with her children. He was too aggressive, and there were some other issues. As much as she loved the dog, she had to choose between the dog and her kids, and the dog had to go. She got quite a few comments from dog loving freaks who shamed her for not treating her dog like it was a kid. These people were fanatics, with absurd arguments that made you believe they secretly rape their pets. Of course, my friend posted about it, and before you knew it, 50 of us were there saying things to the commenters (not the blogger) like, "You are an asshat twatwaffle" and my input, "Your dog would be delicious in Korea." It promoted my friend's blog, like she had more readers than usual for that post in particular. But more importantly, it made her feel better about making such a difficult decision because she was surrounded by a mob of people who supported her decision and empathized with her feelings.

But the wolf pack can go seriously wrong when they use it to bully an innocent. Imagine a scenario where a woman says, "I breastfed my kid for 3 months now, I'd like some advice to ween her to the bottle." And someone is like, "No, you should continue breastfeeding if you care at all for your child." And that someone then, before any comment is made their way, retrieves their friends to come over and support their shaming. So a woman seeking advice is bombarded with comments designed to tear her down emotionally and psychologically, and she is not in a position to be there because her kid needs her boob, now, no time to stand up for yourself on the internet mom.

It can go even worse when a member of the pack stands up for the mom because the mom was in the right. The whole pack shows no mercy when ostracizing a member of their own, and because they are in the same circles online, they usually take their debauchery to other social media methods. They will stalk the excommunicated member for months to come, leaving random nasty comments whenever the opportunity for it arises, manipulating others into picking their side, usually spreading rumors and lies. The person doing the right thing gets treated like shit by people she cared about, cyber-crucified for having an opinion of her own, all to help someone who shows no appreciation for the sacrifice made on their behalf. Then they all post an anti-bullying link, you know, to deceive people (and themselves) into thinking they aren't assholes.

3. The Delusional

The perfect example to this...

"The gay community wants to abolish age of consent laws. Which means children…we would do away with statutory rape laws so that adults would be able to freely prey on little children sexually. That’s the deviance that we’re seeing embraced in our culture today".- Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN)

What the fuck Michele? Did you make that shit up for attention? Or do you really think that's the case? Because while you are right in your stance, yes nobody wants to see children raped, the issue is that NOBODY wants to see children raped. Like quit putting stupid words in the mouths of people you hate just for the delusion that you win the debate. Of course you feel superior to gay people when you put it like that. Of course, it's that shit that makes you infamous for being a fucktard with an IQ that cannot possibly exceed the qualifying age to join the AARP.

Then what happens is all her little sheeple followers believe that, and before you know it... You will argue with them about gay marriage. And when that day comes, you will say something like, "Equality. Gay people deserve the same rights to love and marriage, and divorce, as you and I." And they will respond with, "I can't believe you are so fucking stupid to allow children to be raped." You are like, "WTF? I wasn't talking about children at all..."

And then other people join the conversation and because they are either too lazy or too stupid to read exactly what you said, they take the asshole's version of what you said, and they truly believe you just said that you want children to be raped, and there's nothing you can say otherwise to change their mind because the asshole is more qualified on the subject of your feelings than you are.

In essence, they create their own villain to argue with. The arguments on both sides come from their own mind, and it's just unfortunate for you that they think you are the villain they created and that the mindless zombies spectating believe them.

I see this the most with any kind of fanatic full of hatred for those against them, whether they are Christians or atheist, conservative or liberal.

I'm obviously not the only person who noticed.

4. The Stereotype

This is really another version of the delusional, but they are people who argue with you based on your stereotype. For instance, just say, "I own a gun," and then you get the response, "I bet you believe Obama's trying take your guns. Murica." Or better yet, "The day I listen to a gun toting redneck like yourself is the day I hang myself." What they are arguing? Every meme they read about people who own guns. You don't even have to argue, they will just assume you are arguing their beliefs because you have one. You might believe in gun control, they don't care. You're still a gun-toting idiot.

I have been in debates where I mention I love God and Jesus Christ, and all the sudden, I am anti-science (not the case, I understand Einstein's theory of relativity and Schrodinger's cat better than the geek mainstream, and I can hang in a discussion about neutrinos and photons), anti-evolution (not true)... everything that anyone could contrive a Christian to be. And it doesn't matter what I say about neutrinos, my argument is invalid just because I'm an idiot Christian who obviously believes the world was actually created in seven 24-hour days, three thousand years ago. I can say, "I agree with science on this one," until my fingers turn purple, and these people think I'm lying because I'm a Christian, and I'm not allowed to be a Christian AND agree with science.

5. The Hypocrite

Everyone is a hypocrite in some fashion, to some extent, but in the realm of the internet debate, it becomes obvious in ways that make you want to vomit. For example. I have a friend who is atheist. He hates it when Christians are forcing their opinions on others. You can't put a Bible verse on the wall at school because that's forcing your religious beliefs on others. You can't quote the Bible as literature in school because duh, it's the Bible, but it's ok to read The Crucible, Of Plymouth Plantation, Martin Luther King Jr.'s speeches, and other texts that promote Christianity. That is a level of hypocrisy in of itself, but then let's take it further.

Then the atheist friend who is so sick of people shoving their religious beliefs on others trolls your conversations about religion. Any time you mention God, Jesus Christ, a Bible Verse, or anything, they comment some belittling comment on how you are an idiot for having faith, and they turn every inspirational text you find on the subject of your faith into a debate on whether or not God is real and that you should just believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster. In essence, they are shoving their beliefs down your throat, with more determined hatred than Westboro has against gay people. Christians will do it too, but we expect that don't we?

And it's not just religion. Look at political memes. The guy who is Pro Life is anti-immigration pro-guns. Mixing the two subjects it gets even worse. Anti-Christian liberals believe in everything Jesus Christ ever preached, but they are anti-Jesus. Extreme conservatives believe against everything Jesus Christ ever preached, but they are Pro-Jesus. I say this because if Jesus was on this earth today, based on what He preached according to the Bible, He would be pro-welfare, pro-immigration, pro-life but also pro-women's rights, anti-violence, anti-war, anti-corporate greed, pro-humbling... He'd be a Pro-Life liberal. The liberals hate Him. The conservatives love Him. And aliens are standing by waiting for us to destroy ourselves because that's easier than declaring war on earth.

When you call them out on it, especially when it involves any form of hatred, they deny it, like it never dawned on them they are exactly like the very people they hate. I'm here to tell you how you feel about others is usually a solid reflection on how you feel about yourself. That's a tough pill to swallow sometimes.

6. The Last Worder

I fall in this category. I have to have the last word. Part of it is because when you are so kind to respond to me, even in disagreement, I feel that it's only polite to warrant a response back. I do this in friendly emails. Even on the phone, saying goodbye to me takes 10 minutes because I keep responding. My chats look like, "Well I'm going to go to bed.... I should too, good night and sweet dreams... Good night and sweet dreams to you... They will be sweet if I dream about you... Really? Do you dream about me?... ... ... Well goodnight then.... Goodnight to you... Sweet dream... you too... :) ... :)... :).... :)............."

But when it comes to debates, I do think I have to have the last word for whatever reason. I have no idea why, but I do. You really are fine if you just don't say anything more stupid, but that rarely happens. Arguing with me, your last word is going to be stupid, and I have to, like a crack addiction, call you out on your stupidity. It's almost like the grammar nazi trying not to type, "You're" to correct someone's "your so stupid." I can't resist. The reason you are bound to say something stupid in a last word to me in an argument is that if you are arguing with me at all, you probably are stupid. You can disagree with me and not be stupid. That happens a lot. But if you are straight arguing any comment or opinion I may have, you are probably dumber than the flies that circle shit. I can still love you as a friend, even if you can't keep up on an intellectual level because I can appreciate that there is way more to life than being smart, but I can't resist standing up for what I believe, or straight facts, when you challenge my words with stupidity.

There is a fine line between a debate and an argument, and that fine line is usually a vast amount of IQ points.

And my favorite part is where people act like the childish nature of having to have the last word supposedly discredits all the facts you gave them. And the hypocrisy (see number 5), is that it's pretty childish to mock someone's actions as a desperate reach into giving you a false-sense of winning the debate, especially when your logic and facts didn't do it for you. Of course, changing the subject is the easiest way to direct people's attention away from your original points of stupidity.

The girl is totally winning.

7. The Logic Nazi

These are people who have trained themselves in the art of identifying logical fallacies within other people's arguments. They get super excited when they see one, I'm sure, that they are so intellectual to point it out using words that force anyone to have to Google it. Unfortunately, they lack the self control to avoid the use of them in their arguments, and they usually also lack the humbling ego to admit they do it, even when caught red-handed.

But there is a list of Logical Fallacies that basically say, if you do this, you are illogical. Most people who are obsessed with pointing these out never actually thought it through and instead just took everyone's word for it. Like they probably couldn't do a logic puzzle, but because they can identify a fallacy, they are suddenly logic experts.

Just because someone uses a logical fallacy doesn't mean they are wrong (that's a logical fallacy in of itself). It just means they need to change their approach.

8. The Statistics Humper

I honestly think there are people who really suck at math that are physically attracted to statistics. They don't understand statistics, but when they see them, they get a boner nevertheless. These are people who have to point out statistics to prove their point. They totally fuck statistics when they misuse them to prove their point, and that's what happens a lot. Even the media sharing findings from a scholarly study often misrepresent the facts and numbers.

Some things to remember about statistics... Correlation does not prove causation. For instance, gun control. Many previous studies on gun control showed a correlation between high gun ownership in an area and higher crime rate. It made a lot of people believe that gun ownership causes violence. New studies are suggesting the opposite. They changed the approach to the study and on a worldwide scale, have discovered that Gun Control Laws are often correlated to a higher violent crime rate. But the other studies? Are they wrong? No. There really is a correlation between high crime rates and high gun ownership, but they are realizing that what happens is that people who live in areas with high crime rates are more apt to go buy a gun for protection, legally. But you will still see people citing studies and statistics about gun ownership and crime rate in order to prove their justification of gun control.

There are also different types of statistics. Some just inform. Like I could ask 100 people, "Do you prefer Pepsi or Coke?" and 45% can answer Pepsi with 55% answering Coke. Let's say I ask the same people "Do you consider yourself overweight?" and 75% of the people drinking Pepsi said Yes and 45% of the people drinking Coke said Yes. Some people are quick to think, "Pepsi makes you fatter than Coke does." No. Those statistics like that only describe. That's it. They do not show any correlation. You have to do some crazy math shit with a formula that looks greek to most of the world to see if there's enough statistical evidence to prove any correlation.

So when you tell me X amount of people died from gun violence last year, that doesn't mean that it proves we need gun control. If you keep posting the stats and referring to it like it's a guide, I'm going to assume statistically that you are dumber than my left tit.

9. The Grammar Royals

These are not your average grammar nazi's. Grammar Nazi's correct grammar for OCD, anal-retentive purposes, many attempting to conserve the English language in a world of little brats graduating high school thinking LOL is a real word. The Grammar Royals take it to a whole new level. They act like the ability to point out your grammatical error (usually only one or two of them, missing the other 50 you made) somehow makes them superior to you and your argument. They believe that they have completely discredited you by discrediting your grammar, and as a result, they won the debate because they discredited your facts and logic.

I want to see this LIVE

Obviously they are right. Like if you wrote a phrase as a sentence, you are ok. If you have a dangling modifier, you're fine. But God Forbid you say, "your not understanding," ok now you are just being a terrorist, and you totes deserve being ass raped with a cactus.

I'm supposed to type a conclusion here, but I really suck at conclusions. I like letting you come up with your own. I suppose I could say something inspirational, promoting peace, like "Don't be a dick."

Keep an eye out for the next part of this. Like subscribe to this blog so you can get advice for arguing with assholes. I'm not an easy person to debate, and I shall share some of my secrets in the near future. I'm also going to share some all natural ways to relieve constipation, so big things coming.

Education Reform by Cyber-Parents

2014-07-25T12:47:00.001-04:00

For a Printable, Document version, CLICK ME!

I have compiled some thoughts about education from parents and parent bloggers online, including some of my own unique thoughts.

Education Reform

by Parent Bloggers and Parents

compiled by Michelle L. Grewe, blogger for Crumpets and Bollocks

Another Title might be Ways To Spend More Money, but it needs it.

Top Topics of Parent Bloggers regarding Education

Safety from school shootings
Common Core Curriculum
Attendance and Education Neglect
Driving your kid to school wearing flannel pj’s (we won’t go any further into that one)

Topics covered below:

1. Standardized Testing

2. Bullying

3. Attendance

4. Security

5. High School Curriculum and College Credit

6. Classroom arrangement

7. Common Core

The Supreme Court has repeatedly held that parents possess the “fundamental right” to “direct the upbringing and education of their children.” The Court also declared that “the child is not the mere creature of the State: those who nurture him and direct his destiny have the right coupled with the high duty to recognize and prepare him for additional obligations.” (Pierce v. Society of Sisters, 268 U.S. 510, 534-35) The Supreme Court criticized a state legislature for trying to interfere “with the power of parents to control the education of their own.” (Meyer v. Nebraska, 262 U.S. 390, 402.) In recognition of both the right and responsibility of parents to control their children’s education, the Court has stated, “It is cardinal with us that the custody, care and nurture of the child reside first in the parents, whose primary function and freedom include preparation for the obligations the State can neither supply nor hinder.” (Prince v. Massachusetts, 321 U.S. 158) From http://mrsmomblog.com/2014/03/29/why-my-children-will-not-take-state-assessments/

When asked “What do you think are major problems in today’s education and how would you resolve them?” on my Facebook Pages:

Benjamin M Keysor The problem is kids are not punished for doing something they should not of been doing. When I was in elementary school, when someone did something they weren't supposed to they could potentially get paddled, with a wooden paddle. There was also detention, in school suspension program- where you sat in one room all day doing your work and only leaving the room for a few restroom breaks and lunch. You could also be suspended from school a few days. Then there was Friday and Saturday school. Friday school is where you would sit in the cafeteria for 3 hours after school let out. Then Saturday school, you reported to school on Saturday morning at 9 am and sit in one room doing school work/home work for like 4 hours. I would often get Saturday school from being late so many times but I would usually skip it and then end up getting suspended for 3 days. Now days you don't even hear of a kid getting detention.

Kim Myers In my opinion teaching has moved too far away from the teaching of children and into the teaching what curriculum has been funded and lobbied the most. As well as "teaching to the test" instead of teaching to the development of successful students.

The students recognize that once the standardized testing "season" is done essentially there is nothing left to do.

In short less focus on standardized testing and more focus on successful teaching and students.

Barbara Dodson I now have Grandchildren in school and as IN THEIR school, it would be more of NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND IF they went back to learning by unified recital of the ABC's n Timestables as well as the pledge of allegiance and morning prayer. THE POLITICIANS DO IT WHY SHOULDN'T we or our children.

Randi Evette All children do not learn the same way and the kids that aren't like everyone else get left out. Most teachers don't observe their students to see what makes them click, what gets their wheels turning. They are set in their ways and whoever doesn't catch on gets left by the wayside. This relates to special needs children as well as kids that just learn differently. I feel that we need to take a look at how other countries teach their kids, because they're smarter and somehow seemingly happier. I'll think of some ideas and email them to you. I just woke up and saw this.

Misty Boley Agreed Randi, I understand they have things that need to be taught on time, but, not every child is the same, learning struggles and set backs and teachers keep on moving forward

Lina Mumm Just take back everything George Bush has contributed to our wonderful education...no child left behind has ruined it. Teachers teach to the standardized tests. It doesn't help those who need the extra help to actually learn the material, and it bores the gifted students who actually need to be challenged. Kids shouldn't go to school to be brainwashed...they should be there to learn critical thinking skills.

Marguerite Louis More play to calm kids down

Shelly Bastion Drys Get rid of Common Core! This is killing today's kids love to learn and is even more difficult on kids who have learning disabilities.

Shannon Styles: In a nutshell, here are the main problems with Ed Reform:

*Common Core was introduced and thrown on districts with little to no research. In order for states to receive the Race To The Top federal money (which turns out to be roughly $12 per student) the states needed to have an approved APPR (teacher eval) plan.

*The new APPR uses state test scores as a part of the eval score that put entirely too much focus on testing and prep rather than authentic learning.

*The new state tests are now CCSS aligned, but students in grade 3 have only been exposed to the CCSS standards for one year...there is disparity there.

*Modules: NYS created modules which are units for teachers to use that are scripted and aligned to CCSS. They were not created by teachers and are extremely developmentally inappropriate.

*Money: districts are spending more each year on testing materials, yet state funding is decreasing every year. While schools are cutting staff and programs, the cost of Pearson testing materials continues to increase. Districts are spending more than they received through the RTTT federal money to implement CCSS and testing.

*The links I provided (below… look for Shannon Styles) go into detail and explain each point here.

Details of Issues

1. Standardized Testing

There is too much testing going on. The Problem? One, the schools are not adequately staffed to handle that load of testing. The burden usually falls on the Guidance Counselor, whose primary purpose is to counsel troubled students, one that gets the shaft when it’s testing time. Two, teachers tend to teach based on test performance as opposed to their primary purpose, to teach children in a manner where children learn. Three, students are being tested on subjects BEFORE they get a chance to learn them. We need to pick one test (SAT 9 is recommended most) and use that in all 50 states, once a year, end of the year. That’s it. All states using the same test would make it easier to compare results nationwide.

The money you save from excessive, anti-productive testing could be used toward better ideas listed below.

2. Bullying

West Virginia supposedly has one of the best anti-bullying policies out there; unfortunately, we parents have no idea what it is, or how to combat bullying when it happens. I have seen students bullied, not only by their peers, but also by the teachers, principals, and coaches. It’s out of hand in my state, and a problem nobody wants to admit is happening. We are in denial that bullying on every level exists.

What we need to do is not only create an anti-bullying policy on a federal level, one that is a no-tolerance approach much like a sexual harassment policy in the workforce, but we need to incorporate a system for fixing the situation. We need a place to report bullying, up a chain of command, where some form of enforcement takes place to resolve the situation. We need a protocol because some people are too busy to really know what to do or how to handle a bully-victim situation, and a protocol that disciplines those who neglect their duties in this realm (because frankly, some teachers and principals just don’t care about whiny kids complaining that their life is horrible because some kid is tormenting them). It would also have to have an investigation process to avoid abuse because bullies have no problem reporting victims as bullies in order to bully their victims.

3. Attendance

I understand attendance is important for successful learning; however, too much emphasis has been placed on it that it has become anti-productive.

For example, my child broke her arm at school last September, during recess, on the playground, and no teacher could tell me how it happened. She missed school to go to the doctor, get an xray and a broken arm diagnosis, and again to get a cast from the orthopedic, and then again when she broke out into a rash around her cast, and then again when she submerged her cast in water. Those 4 days had a doctor’s excuse, and I had a teacher lecture me about how those absences were interfering with her learning, threatening education neglect my way. Then, my second kid got head lice. The school explained to me that she was not allowed back until she was nit free. She missed two days for it, one of which was with a doctor checking for nits and the day the nurse sent her home. Yes, I got rid of head lice in less than 5 days including a weekend. That’s amazing considering some parents battle head lice for a year. So when the school threatened education neglect over her missing 2 days, including the day the nurse sent her home, I was a little livid to say the least. The year before it? My child was missing her chicken pox vaccination because the doctor ran out of it. The school explained to me she was just not welcomed there until she got it. She missed 5 days waiting for an appointment to get that specific vaccine, and not only did I receive a letter threatening education neglect, the nurse who kept her home those days demanded that education neglect charges be placed upon me for those specific days. Prior to that, when my daughter was in pre-school, the principal used to threaten education neglect charges against me for her absences, and the guy who actually does that explained there is no law requiring her attendance for pre-school in the first place.

If you cannot tell, people are abusing the attendance policy. It needs to go away.

Here is the problem this insane policy poses. You force parents to visit a doctor when the child does not need medical attention in order to obtain an excuse note, many of whom cannot afford it. You force parents into sending their kid to school contagious, creating more absences from other kids. You take away the parent’s right to do what is best for the child. Sick kids do not need to be in a socially awkward, challenging learning environment. They need to be home in bed.

A solution might be to take the emphasis off of attendance and place it upon learning. Make a lot of the material covered in school available at home. While a kid might miss school for the stomach flu, the kid can at least not miss what was taught. I’m not talking about homework; I’m talking about making the learning structure available to the home. If the classes were online to that depth, it would be a great resource for home-schooled. In this day and age of technology, the information should be accessible from anywhere outside of the classroom. Of course, the policy would have to give time after the absences to get caught up because sick kids are busy being sick to learn at home, and some kids do not have access to a computer (schools have computer labs for when they return to get caught up). If this was implemented; however, there would have to be more funding placed on education specifically for the jobs this would add to the system. It would not be a cheap solution.

4. Security

Obviously, with the onslaught of school shootings, school security could be heightened. This is a top topic among parent bloggers, and most of them seem to lean toward Gun Control while others like myself lean toward Mental Health Awareness (see below for links to blog posts). My solution toward the general security is to have a cop on duty at the schools during the school day; more than one for larger schools. This could also include a dog capable of sniffing out bombs and drugs. Bars have bouncers. Banks have security guards. Many restaurants open 24 hours has a cop keeping guard during the wee hours of the night. Where are our priorities here?

If anything, we could start training our teachers to be military cops. Honestly, most teachers I encounter could use a little military basic training on their resume. Most politicians could too. For the character alone. But in all seriousness, we could easily train our teachers some of the following: securing an area; violence readiness; things to look for regarding safety; and self-defense/Marine Corps Martial Arts (as it’s the best for someone who is out muscled, though it all leads to death so maybe tweaked for civilian use and minimal force). The Air Force (with some Marines) can provide the training easier and better than any civilian contract.

In addition, this thing looks handy and should be in every classroom. The Sleeve.

http://wnep.com/2014/06/11/an-iowa-teachers-invention-could-save-your-childs-life/

5. High School Curriculum and College Credit

The problem: The playing field is not even. Lower-income children do not have the same opportunities as the wealthy. They are often working while attending college, building up loans they will never be able to pay back, and facing problems like homelessness during the week of finals while people like Mitt Romney gets his tuition paid for by his parents, in cash, without loans, and doesn’t have to work or worry about financial troubles when studying for finals. In addition, when I went to high school, I took honors classes, Calculus, Physics… just so I can do it all over again in college, but this time on my dime. I was so bored in college it was unbelievable. They just repeated my high school, and in many classes, it was easier than high school.

The solution: Make a basic education free for all. In this day and age, a basic education that gets you an entry level job is a Bachelor’s Degree. It would be easier than you think to merge college into our public high schools.

The general education requirements toward a bachelor’s degree generally includes classes like English Comp 1, English Comp 2, a Literature course, a Psychology course, a math course, and two science courses. The high schools already teach these courses, and we could tweak the curriculum to cover the basic necessities for a college to honor those courses as college credit. Each high school class would have to be designed to cover two college courses in the matter of a year. Considering high school usually offers 7 classes in a day while college usually offers 4 at a time to be full time; it’s possible to prepare students with more credits than necessary. Some universities are probably more lenient about giving credit, and I suggest checking with colleges like The University of Wyoming, West Virginia University (they offer a Regents degree based on work experience), and The University of Maryland University (they offer quite a few online programs).

Then as you get into the upper curriculum geared toward the degree, the schools can shift learning to an individualized online learning system, utilizing computer labs. This is where the government wheels and deals with a college, like University of Maryland University Online, to educate on those programs, or provide a waiver program to pay tuition to a list of colleges a student can choose from. In essence, a high school junior and senior would be taking actual college classes online.

Students then graduate high school with a high school diploma and Bachelor’s Degree, and the only education they have to pay for is their Master’s or Doctorate if they so choose to do such a thing. If people can gain college credit through portfolios based on work experience and CLEP tests, then I think a high school can offer something more than what is being offered if they just applied themselves.

6. Classroom Arrangement

Studies are showing that kids learn better in a flexible learning environment. One where the classroom is designed more for group activities, problem solving adventures, and collaboration between students and teachers (as opposed to the Victorian classroom settings we use for the most part). I really think this is important for grade school. Middle school has too much bullying and drama for group activity, in my opinion, and should be more of an individualized, learn-at-your-own-pace environment like a lot of private schools who use Lifepacs or Paces. Basically, I think the goal in elementary education should be to get the children to work together to learn; however, middle school’s goal is to keep the children away from each other as much as possible. If you are laughing, it’s only because you know I’m right. I assure you, get middle school kids in a group, and there is less learning and more bullying.

7. Common Core

No parent seems to really be a fan of common core. I think a lot of that is that the parent has yet to be educated fully on what common core means (as I am one of them), but I also think (based on mom bloggers I have read) the schools hastily ran to it without much testing and experimentation on the subject (which is really an ethics issue). Not every kid learns the same as others. A teacher needs the freedom to teach in the manner his/her specific students learn.

“Creating modules that are a scripted nightmare for both the teacher and student is not the answer. You are ruining children. You are killing their spirit. You are making them believe they are dumb because they can’t multiply and divide on the exact day that the module says they should be multiplying and dividing. You are creating a generation of disengaged children who now feel insufficient.” Shannon Styles

Blog Posts About Mass Shootings and Fear of Children’s Safety

Crumpets and Bollocks

http://www.crumpetsandbollocks.com/2014/06/im-sick-of-talking-about-guns-without.html

The Bloggess

http://thebloggess.com/2014/04/please-talk-to-your-children-mild-trigger-warning/

High Gloss and Sauce

http://www.chicagonow.com/high-gloss-and-sauce/2014/06/dear-congress-my-kids-should-feel-safe-in-school/

Mary Tyler Mom

She has multiple posts on gun violence demanding gun control

http://www.chicagonow.com/mary-tyler-mom/category/gun-violence-2/

Ups and Downs of a Yoga Mom

http://www.chicagonow.com/ups-and-downs-of-a-yoga-mom/2014/06/dear-congress-please-fix-this-gun-problem/

Life with Penis People

http://lifewithpenispeople.wordpress.com/2014/06/13/1190/

Blogger Shannon Styles is a Mother and Educator

On common core

http://mrsmomblog.com/2013/10/02/how-common-core-is-slowly-changing-my-child/

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shannon-styles/white-suburban-moms-unite-a-letter-to-arne-duncan_b_4305599.html

On State Assessments

http://mrsmomblog.com/2014/03/29/why-my-children-will-not-take-state-assessments/

On Teacher Evaluations

http://mrsmomblog.com/2013/10/27/teacher-evaluations-and-your-child/

Top Ten Stupid Superstitions I believed in high school and maybe most of my adulthood and possibly still believe in them...

2014-07-24T12:21:00.001-04:00

10. Padiddle

The Padiddle game is a cutthroat ruthless game where you scream Padiddle every time you see one headlight on a car (the other burnt out) and punch the roof of the car before everyone else does for the point. If you didn’t already know how to play this game, please flip the rock off of you and see the light (one headlight). Caution: this game is brutal, ending more friendships and relationships than monopoly. BTW, I always win when I play against myself.

Best strategy: Scream it louder than the next guy so you win the tie.

9. The magic 8 ball

Confession time. I still have a Magic 8 ball, and I still use it to make some of my biggest decisions of my life, like we didn’t move because the 8ball told us not to (well that and packing sounded awful and it wasn't like we were really thinking about moving anyway), and apparently I am a unicorn. I mean how else would I know the answer to things I’m just not sure of due to an overwhelming amount of insecurity and lack of confidence? Stock investment? Ask the Magic. Marriage Proposal? Ask the 8 Ball. Most definitely, ask if your crush loves you, at least 3 times a day.

For those who don’t know, the Magic 8 Ball is this MAGICAL BALL, go figure, which answers your yes or no questions. You shake it and roll just a little, and flip it upside down and this little triangle thing floats up in this blue solution with an answer, from yes to no, to definitely, to ask again later. According to the Magic 8 Ball, don’t eat yellow snow. That was a definite no. You’re welcome.

8. Paper Fortune Teller

For questions too complex for the Magic 8 Ball, there is the Paper Fortune Teller. Instead of asking if he loves you, this one you can ask more detailed questions like, “When am I going to get laid?” and “What should I make for dinner?” You make up the responses because you make the origami. Visit WHAT I MADE on how to make one, and you can have the fortune responses to be anything you want. As opposed to just yes or no answers, the Paper Fortune Teller can predict things like, “You will be attacked by a dirty diaper” and “Drink a Vodka for insight.”

7. Serendipity movie and true love

This one is all me. Nobody else does this. Back in the day of VHS tapes (if you don’t know what that is, you are too young to read this), I had the movie Serendipity, a love story about how fate brings people together. I started to watch it by myself in my bedroom. I hate romance movies, especially when I was single, like screw all those characters who are not real at all for falling in love and embracing happily ever after. So when the movie approached a scene where the guy was reading his own obituary he wrote, right before the impending happy ending, I turned off the movie in protest to happily ever after. I didn’t want to see the happy ending until I had one of my own, and I decided the man who watched the end with me by fate is my Serendipity and meant to be for me. I still have the tape somewhere, queued at that scene.

Fast forward to later, I had this boyfriend, the TV was on cable, and I walked into the room to him, and low and behold, he's watching Serendipity at the scene where the guy is reading his own obituary. I took it as a sign and cried. I did marry that guy for reasons beyond this movie, but how romantic is that? You know what would be more romantic? If the guy did dishes and housework. Serendipity, you suck.

6. Flip the cigarette upside down

For those who don’t smoke, when you buy a new pack of cigarettes, you are supposed to take the first cigarette, flip it upside down, and put it back in the pack. That then becomes the last cigarette you are supposed to smoke from that pack, and it will bring you luck. It’s also important because you don’t give out your last cigarette because that luck is yours and no one else’s. I'm sure it also brings cancer with that luck, but you know, everything has a price.

5. Itchy

They say if your nose itches, someone is thinking about you. If your ears itch, someone is talking about you. If your left hand itches, you will receive a gift. If your right hand itches, you will meet someone new because the right hand is the one you use to shake hands. If your boobs itch, someone is thinking about you intimately, and if your crotch itches, you need to see an OBGYN STAT.

This one is actually true. Completely. There is no scientific evidence to prove it. That right there tells you it’s true.

4. Fortune cookie

Did you know that in order for the fortune in a fortune cookie to actually work, you have to eat the fortune cookie in its entirety BEFORE reading your fortune? It’s true. It’s also true that if you drop your fortune cookie on the floor, you have 5 seconds to eat it without worrying about germs.

Did you also know that the fortune cookie originated in Japan? That’s why you get them with your Chinese Take-Out. Now a days, most fortune cookies are American, made in America, because only our Chinese food items (and fireworks) are not made in China unlike everything else we sell.

3. Good Fuck

When you run a yellow light, if you punch the roof of your car and scream “Good Fuck,” you will not only get laid soon, but you will also get a good lay. Knock those boots people. Knock them hard. Knock them down. Knock them sideways. And why? Because the yellow light declared it so. Try not to hit anyone while driving, and don’t get a ticket for accidentally running a red light in your heated moment of passion-seeking behavior.

For a cleaner version, scream “Good Luck” and nothing will happen like luck because it’s not supposed to be luck. Duh. It’s supposed to be for whores trying to get some.

2. MASH

This is a game only the cool people play. If you haven’t played it, then you should so you can be cool too. For those who don’t know, draw a box on a piece of paper. Write MASH at the top of the box. The M stands for Mansion, the A for Apartment, the S for a Shack, and the H for a Hotel. Then on the left side, list out four careers or car types. On the bottom, write 4 numbers. On the right, write 4 boys names. Some people do more without the box adding things like college majors, things they want to be known as, or anything that pops into their mind.

You then start drawing a spiral without looking (or have someone else draw it for you), and you decide when to stop. You count the number of arcs in your spiral (like 2 for each full circle) for a magic number. You then start at M, and going clockwise, you count as far as your number. Mark it off. From the next item, count again. Mark the item you land on off. You continue to do this until there’s only one option left in each category. For instance, if you counted it out and crossed out ASH, then you circle the M and continue around the box without counting anymore from the top of the box. When you are done, you know the house you will live in, the career you will have, the number of kids you will have, and the man you will marry. Just because it’s different every time doesn’t mean it’s not going to happen like that. And if you get an answer you are not happy with, you must do it again.

I still use MASH to this day to help me prioritize what goals I'm going to work on...

1. Straw Game

Tie your straw wrapper into a lose knot. Grab the edges of the straw wrapper and pull it tight. If the knot frees itself, the person you are thinking about loves you. If the knot stays, they don’t. Some do “people are thinking of you,” but that’s not true. That’s the nose itching, remember? You are totally allowed to try to pull the knot through again, like a repeat, and it totally counts if it pulls through. You can also sit there and maniacally rip the knot clear, and that totally counts. It means you just have to work at the love thing.

How to be Lord of the Flies: a pep talk for the next school year

2014-07-21T11:38:00.000-04:00

With the school year about to start again, YAY, YAHOO, WHAT! WHAT!... yeah I'm a mom of 3. Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah, with the school year about to start again, FANTASTICAL!, I have compiled some pep talks we should give the children, especially middle school and high school aged. Profanity laced because kids remember better when there's the occasional use of profanity. It's like it flips the real talk switch.

My nephew is a teen, and I can vouch that the kids today are much bigger asshats than the ones of yesteryear who are now online telling you that you should die a thousand deaths covered in hornets and mosquitoes who all carry STDs because you didn't breastfeed for longer than a week. Yes, their kids are better at the asshattery than they are. And your kid? Well he's about to meet their kid. Without any adult supervision. Lord of the Flies.

Face it. Teachers and administration today really don't give a shit about bullying, they are educators, not babysitters, and some of them are the biggest bullies in the school. Your kid is about to dive into a world of savage children and adults, again, without your protection, and attempt to survive another school year in hopes to make it without a drug addiction or serving jail time. Fuck learning. Just get through the day.

It's really sad it has come to this, you know, because we adults created the system this way. No matter how many mom bloggers and credible journalists write about bullying, no matter how many students write notes about how they were bullied and it led them to shooting up the school killing innocent children, no matter how many suicides take place as a result of bullying, we adults are so cold-hearted to turn our heads away from that because there are more important issues at stake, like gun control.

So I've put together a little social survival guide pep talk...

1. The one that inspired this post...

This is probably the most important rule to follow. Not only does it protect you from catching the butthurt, but it also helps you in the popularity realm because this is alpha male behavior. Kids don't follow followers. They follow the person who just doesn't give a shit. The resiliency to any form of rejection is a key component to surviving high school. You should master this skill to a point where you can ask a member of the opposite sex out, and they say no, and you are like, "whatever" and then you ask out their friend.

The important thing to remember is unless you are an asshole, people's feelings tend to be more of a product of their own internal struggle more so than any external reason. In other words, if you are a good kid, and a kid doesn't like you, most likely the other kid just has an issue and it has nothing to do with you. Self hate is a mysterious, strange phenomenon, and that's usually what you are up against when it comes to haters.

2.

I know when you are stuck in a savage world surrounded by less-than-human beast-like behavior, your first instinct, as a savage animal in the wild kingdom, is to either beat the shit out of someone, or maybe fight back with weapons. Don't do it. Contrary to what the video games and gangsta rap has to say on the subject, violence is not cool. If you like violence, like have a natural inclination to kicking ass, then may I suggest keeping your nose clean and when you become of age, join the Marine Corps because no civilian is ever as badass as a Marine. Period. Otherwise, the popular majority really views violent people as monsters. If you have been viewed as such, it is not you who they view as that, but the violence you portray. Many times we turn to violent behavior in an attempt to scare people into being decent, and it doesn't work that way.

I know this because I used to get into fights. I used fear as a source to control other kids around me. And I did this because I was sick of being bullied. It never worked as well as love and joy. Instead of punching someone in the face, or dropping something heavy on their foot "by accident," try making others laugh with any kind of dumbfuckery that isn't mean. You'll make more friends that way and finish the day feeling better about yourself. If they don't like you, refer to rule number 1. Some people just are never going to be decent.

3.

Ok, there are some exceptions to this rule. Being a bigger asshole to the asshole is sometimes entertaining, as long as you don't go overboard and it's all in the name of fun. The important thing is, don't be mean to nice people. There's no reason for it. Your unkind words should never be an offense. Never throw the first insult.

What you stand for should speak for itself. If you stand for good things, you will be untouchable in the end. If you stand up for the nice guy, no teacher can fuck with you for that. If you stand up for the asshole, you are in a position where you need asshole things like lies, deceit, and more assholes to cover your ass. If you stubbornly stand for things like the truth, kindness, patience, compassion, love... You will grow as a person and bloom like a flower. If you stand for the opposite, you will probably achieve a short moment of glory before you fall, hard, and it will hurt.

Honestly, do you really want to have something like someone's suicide on your conscience? I mean, what kind of person would you be to know that someone you were an ass to at school committed suicide a few days later claiming in their note it was because they couldn't stand the bullying anymore? Don't be a dick to people unless the situation warrants it.

4.

When you got someone consistently fucking with you on a regular basis, you need an army of people who make you laugh, lift you up, and just be your friend. It's a human wolf-like phenomenon, but I guarantee you, most social bullying takes place in the form of a pack against a loner. The only way through it without changing schools is to shift that balance of power. It's the same way walking in the city late at night. They tell you to walk with people and not alone because most bad guys prey on someone walking by themselves, especially if they are female (assuming they see the female as the weaker gender, which it's not). That's the thing, wolves prey in packs on the weak and injured, and bullies are the same way. The easiest way to protect yourself is to find your tribe.

The tribe is the place where they make you feel better about yourself, where you are comfortable being who you are or comfortable not knowing who you are yet. Don't be so quick to jump into defining your identity. That happens naturally on its own over a series of decades, and you'll never totally figure out where you belong in the sense of how you define yourself and how you want others to perceive you. But the tribe isn't about that. It's about a group of friends just hanging out, having fun, and protecting each other on a social level. It's the people who have no problem with your differences while embracing the similarities.

Many kids find their tribe by joining some extra-curricular activity. Sports teams generally stand up for each other, and you can even find some good friends joining the yearbook team. If you like acting, you will find other people who like acting by joining the drama club. The ROTC is probably the best place to find a lump-all-interest tribe because the military is designed to operate as a team despite how different you are from each other. I noticed with the loners, their biggest obstacle is their fear to try to find friends.

When I was in high school, I had a bunch of tribes by the time I hit my junior year. I had my first tribe I made friends with in 9th grade. They were just a group of misfit outcasts like myself, all very different, where our only common trait we shared was that we didn't belong in any clique and we were too nice. Then I made friends with the popular nerd. She was a 4.0 student (all through college even) who had a little wild side about her. Then I made friends with a popular girl in general, through choir, which I didn't sing but my mom taught choir. There I made some popular acquaintances who have become good friends throughout the years into adulthood. Then I found a clique I belonged. The g-funks. They loved me because I had money, and a car, and I was good at talking the police out of arresting anyone, and I loved them because I had a posse of ass kicking protection bouncers. I also loved hip-hop, so that worked out well. Of course, my parents hated it. By the time my senior year rolled around, I was friends with everyone who wasn't a cheerleader or a jock, the group I hated the most. My biggest bullies. The irony? I hit college and my tribe there was the cheerleaders and football players. I say this because it doesn't matter if it's a reflection of who you are, or your identity, but just a group of people you get along with.

You don't have to do everything they do. When I hung out with the g-funks, they smoked pot a lot, and drank a lot of booze. I never got drunk with them. I didn't smoke pot with them. They didn't care.

5.

I know it's cliche, but my reasons for this are not. I'm here to tell you that a good grade is not a sign of intelligence. It in no way reflects on whether or not you learned anything, or are ready for college, or could master any kind of job. It doesn't really matter if you have good grades to get into college. Why then would someone want good grades?

The biggest issue in high school is having the faculty back you up over the next kid, especially when it comes to getting in trouble. You will have much more freedom as the teacher's pet than as anything else. And the Principal? In every school system in the US, the principal is bombarded with bull shit from the board of education, and the most important thing to that principal is how well the school looks on paper. It is the kids with the high GPA, good attendance record, and who score high on standardized tests that make that principal. They know it. Most good principals will kiss your ass if you have a good GPA, a great attendance record, and score high on standardized tests.

I did this in high school. I took Honor's Classes, and had a great attendance, and my GPA averaged 3.5. My mom taught at the school, so that helped, but not all the teachers liked me. The principal did. That mattered. A friend was expelled for missing school, and I had that turned over by simply telling the principal to reinstate her. I used to leave class in the middle of a lecture to go next door to get a diet coke, or to steal donuts and coffee from the teacher's lounge. Nobody flinched. I remember one time this guy was following my sister around calling her a "n-bomb (he used the real word) loving whore." I got in his face, threatened to kick his ass, using the fuck word every other word, and my principal tapped my shoulder. This guy's face turned whiter than his normal crackerness when that principal showed up, and the principal asked, "Is this guy bothering you?" I replied, "Nothing I can't handle myself, sir." He replied, "Could you handle it elsewhere? because the teachers in the lounge can hear you, and your language is bothering them." I replied, "I think we just made my point clear."

The easiest way to get good grades is to show up to class on time and try (that means stay awake, actively take notes, and study a little). Teachers will give you better grades for showing effort and learning nothing than knowing the subject and showing no effort. Period. It's the world we live in. If you know the subject, you have to pretend to know less than the teacher or you will get a teacher who just doesn't like you.

But I promise you, good grades kick ass. Ever notice every story about a school-aged kid in the media, they tell you whether or not the kid got good grades? It mattered to these people. Trayvon Martin was shot by a neighborhood watch sociopath, and the question many people asked in order to decide who was innocent and guilty was, "What was Trayvon's GPA?" Stupid isn't it? Yes it is. But it's the way of things, so that stupid GPA is important. You want that credibility.

One of my greatest accomplishments in high school was that day I realized my Principal was comfortable enough to say the word "Damn" to me, while mocking a clique I never really appreciated (the hippies, they could be downright mean for a group of pot-smoking peace-loving crunchy people). That's the kind of relationship you want with the guy in charge.

Just remember these 5 things, and high school will not be a breeze. It will not be a snap of the fingers. But it will be bearable, conquerable, and you will survive it without jail time. And hopefully, through the miracles of Jesus, this generation of kids with a worse education than what my generation received, with less morals than were on the streets of my childhood, with more medication than before the FDIC became more lenient, and with more helicopter parenting of my time will grow up and fix all the bull shit my parents generation started and my generation provoked. In other words, you think high school is bad now? Wait until your kids are in high school.

My friend graduated Nursing school, so we all got drunk.

2014-07-18T12:45:00.003-04:00

Today is Use your Words writing prompt. Ok, I'm going to be honest with you. I knew this was coming. I knew this was due on Friday, today. I just didn't know it was Friday, like I still think it's Tuesday, and my google calendar notified me last night during my second drink at a huge party, and I'm a little slow today. So slightly hungover with children begging me for attention, I'm going to spit out a blog post using words hand selected by Someone Else's Genius.

I just need a topic...

Ok. So last night my friend Jamie graduated from nursing school. She is officially an LPN. I'm so proud of her.

When we first became friends, my life made sense, and she was a hot mess. She had two boys ages 2 and 3 at the time, and she was barely old enough to drink. She had no idea what she wanted to do with her life, well she had some idea, but it was a stupid idea, so stupid I refuse to post it here because it would incriminate against both of us. So, anyway, now after many years of friendship, I'm the hot mess with 3 girls back to back, and Jamie is the one with her shit together.

It wasn't easy. She actually is the mother of 3. Her youngest child, her daughter, Deziray, passed away when she was 2 years old resulting from Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome. She was diagnosed at 6 months of age with a brain tumor, and successfully beat cancer by the age of 2; however, cancer left her somewhat broken and vulnerable, so a common cold sent her to the ER, and I'm not sure if the nurse gave her too much oxygen sparking the ARDS, or if the ARDS happened on its own.

The bottom line was a nurse wasn't doing her job right and potentially played a huge role in losing a child. But it was the nurses who helped my friend through so much in taking care of her child. Somehow, the entire experience showed my friend in her darkest hour what she is truly capable of. Despite working full time and being the breadwinner in her family, she managed to take care of her 2 boys and a baby who needed so much. She blindly went into the medical profession as a mother, and now she is armed with certification and knowledge.

She is exactly the kind of woman whose story empowers others.

Following the graduation ceremony was a huge party. Her parents own campgrounds along the river, and her father spent quite a bit of his life owning a bar for a living, so they have the place set up for the most epic parties you can imagine. Their little unknown haven is nestled along side a little cliff along the river. They have a boat with a huge dock, and walking up the stairs and ramps lead you to one of those open shelters you find in a park, but his is unlike any you will see in a park. It is decorated with random signs like, "What happens at the river stays at the river." (Yeah, unless I show up and blog about it). There's a traffic light to bring color to the night's scene. It has 2 refrigerators, speakers and stereo, and cabinets full of things like plastic cups and beer pong kits. Next to that little shelter is a place for a fire. They jimmied some sort of hubcap from a semi truck or something unusual like that into a fire pit. Most "parties" or evenings sitting along side the river includes Miller Light, Jimmy Buffet, a cozy fire, and people from all over the campground.

Battle Axe Part 2 is Co-Owner of the Party Cove

Last night, they extended their usual party scene. One of our friends is a DJ, so they set him up in an open field the size of suburbia's back yard where we created a dance floor, but be careful, the corner to the right of the DJ has some sort of hole and tree root sticking out of the ground. We weren't as drunk as we appeared. Maybe we were.

The Best DJ EVER

The "Diet Coke" Flip Cup Game

Then they took another open fielded area between campers and set up a beer pong table, and a cup flipping table. Apparently relay races are not only for children. I never heard of it, but you drink your cup of beer, set it right side up on the edge of the table, and flip it. First one to get the cup to flip right side up with one flip, and little drunken telekinesis, wins, or if there's more on your team, it goes to the next person. I'm just too old to know about this game. When I was young and drinking, we did Spades, Dominoes, Poker, Strip Poker, and Presidents and Assholes (which I still don't totally understand because you have to be drunk for it to make sense, and it's hard to remember things you learned drunk when you are sober).

Then there's the huge field across the way where tents were set up for drunk people to crash and freeze.

Most of the people at this party, I never met before because they were in my friend's nursing class. Some were really young, and there was this one woman who was much older than me dropping it like it's hot better than those young ones. But of course, the person I hung out with the most was a very young flaming gay guy who I swore most of the night was my girlfriend as I'm the butch one in our relationship. He won the Limbo contest some girl who looks exactly like Star from The Lost Boys on a whim decided to have with a sash from one of the nurses. I would have won considering I'm double jointed, but my boobs were totally working against me. My boobs were also kind of falling out of my dress (I don't fit in any of my clothes anymore thanks to those Apple Pies I kept eating whole in one sitting last Thanksgiving; so what?), and I swear my cleavage acted as an arrow to grab me here because just about everyone who wouldn't make my husband jealous at some point honked my boob, including my girlfriend by accident.

My girlfriend and I, dancing, or
better said, I was holding him up.

The craziest person at the party just happened to also be the most sober person at the party.

I guess if I mention her shenanigans, I won't be allowed to tag people with this blog post on Facebook, but anyway, she dry humped a lot of people, with a balloon in the shape of a number 1 that turned phallic symbol quick on us. Some people licked her balloon. She also dry humped a minivan's windshield for the unsuspecting audience trying to leave. We have pictures, and video.

Speaking of which, pictures. Ok, so some people at this party are not allowed be seen at places like this party for reasons I cannot mention, so I can't just post pictures and tag people. But I want to post pictures anyway, so I'm going to be doing that later. If you read this blog, come back later for the pictures. I have to post this without pictures because I forgot it was Friday. Whatever it takes to get this up close to on time, right?

All right... pictures...

That is not really George Lopez and Katy Perry.
This was obviously photoshopped.

This is their authentic Bit Strip Profile Faces

Your words are: Blind ~ epic ~ telekinesis ~ arrow ~ whatever it takes

They were submitted by: http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com

Read more of this hop. Links to the other “Use Your Words” posts:

http://bakinginatornado.com Baking In A Tornado

http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/ Spatulas on Parade

http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/ Stacy Sews and Schools

http://sparklyjenn.blogspot.com/ Sparkly Poetic Weirdo

http://thethreegerbers.blogspot.ch/ Confessions of a part-time working mom

http://dates2diapers2.blogspot.com Dates 2 Diapers 2

http://berghamchronicles.blogspot.com/ The Bergham’s Life Chronicles

http://thesadderbutwisergirl.com The Sadder But Wiser Girl

http://themomisodes.com The Momisodes

http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com Someone Else’s Genius

http://followmehome.shellybean.com Follow me home . . .

http://www.crumpetsandbollocks.com Crumpets and Bollocks

Calling All Parent Bloggers or anyone with an opinion really...

2014-07-15T11:57:00.002-04:00

I'm an idiot suffering from Mom Syndrome. Since the onslaught of reproduction, I transpose numbers, and even worse, have poor editing skills. For instance, I leave out important words completely, and I can read it over and over again where my brain reads the omitted word so I don't notice the word is omitted. So when I made a poster for this post that said June 23 instead of July 23, I didn't notice at all and was wondering why nobody was submitting anything. Well now I know. I hope you read this is UPDATED.

I have a project idea I'd like to do. Hear me out please... I need help for it.

What I'd like are blog posts. You can link to them if you already wrote one, or you can publish it on your blog and link to it, or you can just submit something in text and I'll find a place to post it. What I'm looking for?

Education Reform.

Some ideas to focus on:

What would you do to improve the public education system we have in place?

How would you solve some of the major problems that plague us in the public education system?

What topics regarding education are important to you as a parent?

How would you revise the curriculum to improve on what our children NEED to learn? What real life classes do you wish they taught? How would you assess students learning?

I'm going to take a compilation of the posts, and...

1. Give it to a teacher who will be meeting with the first lady and a representative of every state to discuss education in the United States.

2. Give it to various representatives of my state, West Virginia, as well as providing resources for others to submit to their states.

3. Pimp it out to gain awareness and open the platform for discussion about a topic many people seem to want to avoid when it competes against gun control and gay marriage.

IF I get a large enough response, I may provide it as an e-book or a paperback, but I will sell it at cost. This is a non-profit endeavor. I'm just throwing this in there that submitting to this gives me access to your words, copyright stuff, to publish somewhere with full credit to you... possibly in the future because education is that important. You still own the copyright, but I just want permission to re-publish your works in pursuit of improving upon our education system and getting your voice heard.

I'll also link to your blog whenever relevant, and hold your blog at a higher priority in my head in the future when it comes to social media shares and blog reading. This is not only a great opportunity to get your voice about education heard, but also it's a great opportunity for free publicity of your blog.

Deadline: July 23, 2014

Submission process:

Email links, or the document itself, to

untouchable.cant.touch.this@gmail.com
Subject: Education Reform

Throw a comment here letting me know you emailed it, in case it goes to spam or social media or something weird and I miss it. I am also a facebook fanatic, so you can also always message the page (click the F on the right, or at the bottom).

THANK YOU! :)

The Real Crisis of Modern Day Parents

2014-07-14T12:27:00.000-04:00

There is a HuffPost blog post going viral on my Facebooks, and I don't, gasp, agree with it totally. Because I've avoided the subject of parenting as much as possible with my blog, mainly because I started off thinking I was going to blog about parenting to discover I'd much rather talk about boobs, whether the ones on my chest or idiots wondering the earth, I decided this is a great way to approach parenting in a writing prompt, which frequently ends up being a comment the size of Mount Rushmore. I think the woman who wrote this article, Emma Jenner, was a British Nanny, on a tv show, and stuff. So she really must know what she's talking about, like Dr. Phil, right?

Let's look at it chunk by chunk...

She lists 5 reasons modern parents are in crisis. These are the greatest problems of modern parents.

"1. A fear of our children.
I have what I think of as "the sippy cup test," wherein I will observe a parent getting her toddler a cup of milk in the morning. If the child says, "I want the pink sippy cup, not the blue!" yet the mum has already poured the milk into the blue sippy cup, I watch carefully to see how the parent reacts. More often than not, the mum's face whitens and she rushes to get the preferred sippy cup before the child has a tantrum.Fail! What are you afraid of, mum? Who is in charge here? Let her have a tantrum, and remove yourself so you don't have to hear it. But for goodness' sake, don't make extra work for yourself just to please her -- and even more importantly, think about the lesson it teaches if you give her what she wants because she's thrown a fit."

This is the part where I can almost guarantee the writer never had children. There's a couple things going on here. The first part, the fear of the temper tantrum. I know that fear because I have it. And my kids don't just throw a fit where you can remove yourself. They follow you around, poking you for attention, screaming in your ear... If you are lucky to be able to walk away from it, they start fighting with their sisters. And this isn't 20 minutes. No, my kids will cry and scream bloody ell for over an hour, usually triggering a migraine that knocks me out for 3 days. I don't know if Emma here is just naive or talking out of her ass, but there is no such thing as, "Let her have the tantrum so you don't make extra work for yourself just to please her." Yes all you non-parent experts out there, learn this. Write this down. Memorize it for the future. TEMPER TANTRUMS ARE EXTRA WORK FOR THE PARENT.

I should also mention, for you non-parent experts out there, the real parent doesn't get to hand the kid off to someone when convenient like a nanny gets to. No, the day doesn't end for the parent. Parenting is not a NannyGig. It's 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and it includes work like cleaning the house, shopping and preparing all the meals, paying bills, handling appointments and scheduling, maintaining the vehicles, yard work... all with your kids swarming around you asking you what that is, what does it do, can it do this... Parents don't have time for a temper tantrum like a nanny does.

This is why I choose my battles wisely. I don't care if my kid wants the pink or blue sippy cup. I get it for them. It's not much work to rinse the one and put it away dripping wet. Your kids will survive any germs left on the cup. Now when it comes to important things, yeah, I'll take that temper tantrum. Things like, "No, I'm not buying that for you," especially when I can't afford it. Then there's, "Stop fighting." And definitely, "give me that blunt object you are trying to smack people with."

Then there are times where you can't avoid the temper tantrum, especially if they are in their terrible twos, treacherous threes, or fuck me sideways fours. My Annie will do this thing where she wants an elephant pond. You're like what? "Give me an elephant pond." What's an elephant pond? "Give it to me now!" The fuck? Or she'll come at me with, "I wanted to do it, I want to open it. close the soda can you just opened. Close it now!"

Yes. YES I gave my kid the PINK SIPPY CUP! Clutch on that!

The second part of this post, the parenting manual provided by CPS so it must be true... That thing says to give your kids choices and options. Give them do-able choices that you will do. Not that whole, "eat it or starve" as starving isn't really an option. More of an, "eat this, or eat that." Basically, according to CPS, if you are parenting right, you would have known your kid wanted the pink sippy before pouring the milk. Now who's the expert?

But it's more than that. In kid world, things like the color of their cup is a major decision, and to not give them pink when they wanted pink is a great injustice that they will ponder about for a helluva lot longer than you as the parent could possibly give a damn. When they see you have no reason other than abuse of parental powers, they trust you less, especially if they are on the autism spectrum. Kids think they are miniature adults. They can understand that the fuck word is only a word for grown ups, and that you have to be 21 to drink the mommy juice, but simple respect is something they expect. When it's not given to them on a regular basis for years and years... Shit happens like low self worth. People pleasing behaviors. And with that respect comes things like letting them make some of their major decisions, and helping them understand why rules are rules when it comes to that. Even when they are too young to understand, you are planting a seed by explaining it anyway.

And contrary to miss emma's belief, we parents don't always give in out of fear. We give in out of respect sometimes, and it's really sad a grown up fails to see the distinction.

"2. A lowered bar.
When children misbehave, whether it's by way of public outburst or private surliness, parents are apt to shrug their shoulders as if to say, "That's just the way it is with kids." I assure you, it doesn't have to be. Children are capable of much more than parents typically expect from them, whether it's in the form of proper manners, respect for elders, chores, generosity or self-control. You don't think a child can sit through dinner at a restaurant? Rubbish. You don't think a child can clear the table without being asked? Rubbish again! The only reason they don't behave is because you haven't shown them how and you haven't expected it! It's that simple. Raise the bar and your child shall rise to the occasion."

This I partially agree with. You can ~~brainwash~~ show and guide a child to behave certain ways, and you can do it without spankings and discipline. Most kids are more than eager to learn the ropes of adulthood. My kids, they are the type to grab a stick of butter and draw all over the windows with it. Then, they are even more excited to spray it with window cleaner and wipe it clean with some generic Bounty (if you have a roll of generic Bounty, you know what you are doing).

But there are behaviors that truly is the way with kids. For instance, my doctor's office. After waiting in a waiting room for 45 minutes, my kids start to walk around on the colored squares, trying not to step on the cracks. Sometimes they want to low-crawl under the row of chairs. The front desk lady is always, "You need to control your children," and I'm always, "You need to be on time with this appointment." Seriously? You cannot make kids sit for over an hour, quietly still, without a movie. No, that's like abuse. If I'm 15 minutes late for that appointment, they reschedule. So if the doctor can't see us 15 minutes within the appointment, my kids will make the best of the situation, and it will be loud and obnoxious, and the office is lucky I didn't arm my children with glitter for saying stupid shit like, "control your kids." That right there totes deserves a glitter bomb.

I think this author is British, which explains it. We don't do tea here in the states in a dainty tea party where we politely talk about current events. We drink coffee. We are always on the go having caffeine raged debates about what's fucked up in the world.

"3. We've lost the village. It used to be that bus drivers, teachers, shopkeepers and other parents had carte blanche to correct an unruly child. They would act as the mum and dad's eyes and ears when their children were out of sight, and everyone worked towards the same shared interest: raising proper boys and girls. This village was one of support. Now, when someone who is not the child's parent dares to correct him, the mum and dad get upset. They want their child to appear perfect, and so they often don't accept teachers' and others' reports that he is not. They'll storm in and have a go at a teacher rather than discipline their child for acting out in class. They feel the need to project a perfect picture to the world and unfortunately, their insecurity is reinforced because many parents do judge one another. If a child is having a tantrum, all eyes turn on the mum disapprovingly. Instead she should be supported, because chances are the tantrum occurred because she's not giving in to one of her child's demands. Those observers should instead be saying, "Hey, good work -- I know setting limits is hard." "

I agree, but not completely. I really truly don't know any parents who want their kids to be perfect, let alone in denial about such a thing. I correct people's kids all the time because I don't spank, I don't yell, I don't grab, and I don't use fear to communicate. I approach them like I would my own, from a nurturing standpoint, and I politely explain why their behavior needs to change. Sometimes, when their parent notices I did it, they thank me. Don't get me wrong. Polite doesn't always work with kids. But from a stranger, it usually goes much further than it does your own kids who know you too well. Even with my own kids, I attempt polite before losing my shit.

But she is right about the judgy parents. That's the problem. The village is no longer a community of support, but instead, a group of the village idiots spitting out whiny bull shit about how you suck as a parent. Usually the village is people who couldn't last a day in your shoes telling you how to wear those shoes and where to go in them. That's where the insecurity is. Some of us parents do get insecure at times from the bullies, but it's the bullies who are insecure. It's the people without kids, or the people who weren't really there for their kids, telling us what we are doing wrong. Criticism is generally people projecting their own insecurities, especially their valid insecurities.

In my world, my bff's and family are just simply not there for anything but criticism. It's defeating. I had to go online to find a supportive environment. They may not be able to babysit my kids on account they live on the other side of the world, but they can offer emotional support, and they do. The sad thing is, not one person who I thought would be there for me and isn't did it all on their own. They either had my help, or someone else's help (like I couldn't babysit me for my mom, but my grandma sure did, 8 to 10 hours a day, 5 days a week).

It's beyond just the dirty looks during a temper tantrum in public. Try paying for your shit with food stamps and see what looks you get. I've even had people tell me not to give my children popcorn because it's a choking hazard. And they were serious!

"4. A reliance on shortcuts.
I think it's wonderful that parents have all sorts of electronics to help them through airline flights and long waits at the doctor's office. It's equally fabulous that we can order our groceries online for delivery, and heat up healthy-ish food at the touch of a button on the microwave. Parents are busier than ever, and I'm all for taking the easy way when you need it. But shortcuts can be a slippery slope. When you see how wonderful it is that Caillou can entertain your child on a flight, don't be tempted to put it on when you are at a restaurant. Children must still learn patience. They must still learn to entertain themselves. They must still learn that not all food comes out steaming hot and ready in three minutes or less, and ideally they will also learn to help prepare it. Babies must learn to self-soothe instead of sitting in a vibrating chair each time they're fussy. Toddlers need to pick themselves up when they fall down instead of just raising their arms to mum and dad. Show children that shortcuts can be helpful, but that there is great satisfaction in doing things the slow way too."

This I agree with what she says, but I don't think it's a reason our parenting is in crisis mode.

"5. Parents put their children's needs ahead of their own.
Naturally, parents are wired to take care of their children first, and this is a good thing for evolution! I am an advocate of adhering to a schedule that suits your child's needs, and of practices like feeding and clothing your children first. But parents today have taken it too far, completely subsuming their own needs and mental health for the sake of their children. So often I see mums get up from bed again and again to fulfill the whims of their child. Or dads drop everything to run across the zoo to get their daughter a drink because she's thirsty. There is nothing wrong with not going to your child when she wants yet another glass of water at night. There's nothing wrong with that dad at the zoo saying, "Absolutely you can have something to drink, but you must wait until we pass the next drinking fountain." There is nothing wrong with using the word "No" on occasion, nothing wrong with asking your child to entertain herself for a few minutes because mummy would like to use the toilet in private or flick through a magazine for that matter."

This I agree with. Society expects us to put our children first beyond what our bodies can do healthily. But taking care of your mental health is putting your kids above yourself because they need you to be sane. Trust me on this one. I'm speaking from experience. My situation was less than normal, but I couldn't imagine parents dipping out on much needed sleep for water and blankies. The main caregiver needs their me-time.

Parents need a lot of things that they just can't get because the village isn't there anymore. The kids still depend on you, and only you, 24/7, and that is definitely a crisis situation. This is why some parents forget important things for their kids. Why people like me are late for everything, including getting my kids to school. Had there been a support system in place, you know, like a community to share the load of parenting, parents would parent better. They would be able to teach their kids the stuff you think their kids need to learn. They'd be able to clean the house suitable to your tastes. They'd have the time and sanity to parent.

We simply have too much on our plate, and no back up to help us.

It's more than just your friends and family, members of your tribe, helping. They should help. They are assholes if they don't, especially if you help them out all the time. But our society as a whole is anti-parent. You take your kids in public, and people are offended now. They are more concerned with your rights to abort your child than your ability to raise one, and many seem to want to take away your right to have children with those, "you didn't breastfeed? You shouldn't be allowed to breed" comments.

The Village Raising Our Children

Corporations and places that give you a pay check you use to feed people with do not give a shit about your kids, or that you have little offspring who depend on you for just about everything. You take too many sick days because your kid got strep from school, and then head lice, and then that weird rash that you had to take her to the doctor for... you get fired. If you don't, they'll be the first to call CPS on your ass. You can get fired, not legally, but it happens all the time, for things like getting pregnant. I had one guy tell me not to hire this woman because she was a mother, and would require stuff like leaving to pick up her kid from school, and he didn't want to deal with that. I hired her anyway, and then she plotted to take my job from me.

The economy sucks, so every parent is more concerned with making sure there's a roof over their head next month to even notice their kid just asked for the pink sippy after they poured the milk in the blue. Heaven forbid they get on government assistance...

The schools? They are just as bossy and rude as the asshole at Walmart who couldn't handle your kids throwing a fit over "no." My Annie one day threw a fit in the Principal's office because she wanted to open the door for her sister, and her sister wanted to open the door for herself, and they fought, and I broke up the fight, but Annie wasn't happy about it. I sat her on the chair while she cried, and I soothed her within 2 minutes. A social worker saw it, and somehow the teacher on the other end of the building heard about it before the end of the day, and then she told my friend and some other mothers about it after school... It was top story. My kid threw a fit. I did nothing wrong, but the social worker was still concerned.

The reason parents are in crisis isn't the parents. It isn't the kids. It's the "grown ups" who surround them. The people who stick their nose in everything you do when it comes to defeating you, berating you, insulting you, but are never around for the lifting you up, the supporting you, or extending their hand in help. That's the problem.

Here's the irony. Everyone is like, "Parents today suck compared to parents of yesteryear." Somehow, someway, they say that, whether it's the, "When I was a kid, I got spanked," or "People spoil their kids too much anymore.." or "People like you are the problem," and "Your kids are going to be spoiled brats when they grow up based on nothing but my own asshat opinion." The irony is? The old school parents of the past raised those whiny ass adults who do nothing but shit on things. I think modern parenting may be in crisis mode, but not because of their parenting abilities, but because of their parents' parenting abilities. The kids are not the assholes. It's the adults who are. They are the ones teaching our children to be one too.

You can read Emma's post here...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/emma-jenner/modern-day-parenting-in-c_b_5552527.html

Superhuman Friends, Hypothetically Speaking

2014-07-11T09:41:00.000-04:00

Welcome to a Secret Subject Swap. This week, 12 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts.

My “Secret Subject” is:

If you could create a super human best friend, and give them three super human powers... what powers do you give them and why?

It was submitted by: http://berghamchronicles.blogspot.com/

If I could create a superhuman best friend, I would need a template of a friend, and there is nothing better for that than a dog because humans are too temperamental, and their savage instinct can anytime consume them and they can and will snap on you. They are too wild to be domesticated. Of course, I'm not sure how giving a dog superhuman powers would work, because they'd be more superdog powers, and I don't really want to live in an Air Bud sequel.

I'd consider a cat because they bathe themselves and can sneak in places easier, and they totally smell better, but I'm almost certain if cats could talk, they'd probably say, "Fuck off," a lot more frequently than my kids say, "Mommy?" and that guy on South Park says, "mmmkay?"

I think the reason I'm at a loss of a friendship template is that friendship is one of those words where I don't think it means what I think it means. I really kind of thought, for most of my life, maybe because I was naive, that a friendship meant you had an extended family member where it's like a legion to tackle on life's difficulties together, as well as celebrate those rare moments of glory together. Basically, someone to hold your hand through every argument with your husband or mother. Someone who brings tampons to you at 3AM because you ran out and you have no money (I've done that before for a friend). Someone you call at any hour for a ride home because you are too drunk to drive, and they might pick you up from a bar in their pajamas (I've done that before too). Someone who will watch your kids when they are hungry, in need of a bath, and hyper on sugar because you need a couple hours to sleep (I've done that before too). Someone who knows everything going on in your life before anyone else does because you talk that often together. Basically, the person who knows which kid of yours has the nastiest diaper, where you keep your toilet paper, and whether or not you really are a whore.

But in real life, friendship is more of a convenience. People, for the most part, just use people. And sometimes you go from being someone's friend to being a depreciated asset, meaning you served your useful life for that person and they have since upgraded to something more in tune with their current needs. Anymore, if you want someone to babysit your kids, wait until someone needs something, and then bargain like Donald Trump, "Yeah sure I can give you 20 dollars to help you with gas, just stop by and get it any time," and when they come back, "Oh, well I have to go hit an ATM to get the money, can you watch my kids while I'm gone?" and then take 3 hours to go to the ATM because ha. Sucka you will earn that 20 fucking dollars. Now that's modern era friendship.

So if I had the ability to dabble in the art of being God enough to give a friend super powers, wow. Not sure who I'd pick and what I'd give them. Honestly, if you ask me that question, you'd think I'd be more concerned with what powers to give someone than who to give those powers to, so now I feel like that kid who is trying to pick a kid to be on their team in kickball, you know, with the antsy adrenaline rush from the power bestowed upon them as they decide who is "cool" enough to include and in the process, who to exclude for the time being. And there's a reason I was never a kickball team captain...

IF I chose my husband, as he is the closest thing to a best friend I have, I'd give him the following super powers:

1. Super Hearing and Listening abilities: He's half deaf, and uses that as an excuse a lot to ignore me completely, especially when it's really important like, "Hey we only have like 20 bucks in the account because I paid bills," so he hears, "Hey, you have 20 bucks to spend on itunes."

2. That thing Mary Poppins does, where she snaps her fingers and shit cleans itself up. Yeah. Not that this is a selfish bestowing of powers or anything. I mean I really do enjoy bending over and manually picking up after everyone in this house, all day, every day, for the rest of my life.

3. The ability to fly and be bullet proof just because he always wanted to be a pilot in the Air Force, and he jumped the gun and enlisted instead of finishing college and commissioning. Plus this way, he can get home from work faster, and we'd save a shit ton of money on gas. Now we just need to invent headphones that can withstand the wind so he can listen to his music while he flies. Oh, why bullet proof you ask? We live in West Virginia. Someone would freak out that a human is flying and try to shoot it down... "Get off my property. No Trespassing on my air space." Not only that, but since my husband is Puerto Rican, they'd probably think the Mexicans have discovered a new way to cross the border.

But I probably wouldn't choose my husband. I'd be thinking, my real best friends are my kids... I have 3 girls really close in age. If I could swing making them all bullet proof, fall proof, and basically immune to injury so that the only way death could touch them is with old age in addition to giving them 3 superhuman powers... This is how I'd create a force to reckon with... And these are my friends I totally made myself, in my tummy, the fruit of my lady loins...

Gabby, my oldest, the one who is fearless and will dive out the window head first just for the thrill if I'd let her, the one with a fierce determination that I hope I will some day appreciate when she's an adult, she would get super strength without bulky arms, like Shera. Of course, I'd have to invest in a lot of refrigerators because that's her door of preference to slam when she's pissed off. I'd give her super speed, but she's the type to run without paying attention to where she's going, so I'd be afraid she'd get herself lost too easy with that. No superspeed for this kid without GPS. Then there's powers like ability to crawl on walls? Um I think she already does that when I'm not looking. But the main thing is, one of these kids would have to have the ability to tear shit up in case of any threat to scientifically examine them or use them for evil. And Gabby, she can destroy things, like the whole house in a matter of seconds. The important thing is, she's the kid who is always saying, "Don't knock over the lego tower," meaning, she's cautious about her destruction.

Solma, my middle kid, the one who is a Princess, who can't speak to you without bowing, sticking her finger over her head, and doing some little ballerina dance move ending in a girly pose, the one who listens the best of all 3 kids, and the one who just needs a hug when upset... She's already strong for a kid, and she will knock a kid out, no remorse because she won't do that unless it's justified in her mind that the kid or sibling deserved it. Anyway, I'd give her powers to heal people. That way, she can knock people out all she wants.

Annie, my youngest, she's the genius, the master of communication, and will use cute faces, guilt, and a little deception to manipulate you into almost anything including giving her a 5th popsicle, which is a super human power in of itself... I'd give her invisibility, but she loves being the center of attention, so I don't think she'd appreciate that one so much. Anyway, one of the kids would need to tap into some form of guidance. Where would the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles be without Splinter? Fat from overdosing on pizza. That's where they'd be. And the kid capable of communicating well to others is probably going to be doing most of the leading, even though the other two are pretty stubborn. Either way, I'd give her the ability to communicate effectively with God, Jesus Christ, and only God (no other spirits because the last thing she needs is to hear voices confusing her). Basically, she'd have super wisdom, super clarity, and a super ability to do the right thing. And with that would come the ability to speak any language including talk to animals, but only when she wants to, not to a point of annoyance.

And then my kids would protect the city of Townsville from evil monkeys.

Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts. Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there:

Baking In A Tornado

The Momisodes

Spatulas on Parade

Stacy Sews and Schools

Sparkly Poetic Weirdo

Confessions of a part-time working mom

Dates 2 Diapers 2

Crumpets and Bollocks

Climaxed

Dinosaur Superhero Mommy

Someone Else’s Genius

The Bergham’s Life Chronicles

Creative Ways to Wake Up Your Husband That Don't Work

2014-07-05T21:41:00.001-04:00

The husband laid down for a nap before work and asked me to wake him up at 9. I set the alarm, and at 9, I realized, "Wait, he never wakes up." Like there are times where I try to wake him up, tell him things like, "By the way, it's going to be $500 for her teeth. We're going to have to sell my body for sex to afford this," and he'll agree and forget the entire conversation took place because he was sleep talking.

I knew this was going to be a challenge.

So I sat abruptly on the bed, which opened his eyes really wide like he just fell off a cliff in a dream, and then I burped loudly.

"How's that for an alarm?"

He started to close his eyes again, so I proceeded to breathe in his face. My breath is pretty bad at this point.

He kept moving his face away from mine (I don't know why), and then he started to close his eyes again. So I grabbed him by the balls, cupped em, and with his balls in my hand, I proceeded to kiss his stomach (because that tickles him, and the balls were in my hand to protect myself from retaliation).

He farted and went back to sleep.

I licked his belly again, and then we had a conversation about sex, showers, my armpits, and his workplace, and then he drifted back to sleep.

So then I bit his nipple. He grabbed my nipple, and we proceeded in a nipple gripping war. When I declared peace, he went right back to sleep like this never happened.

So I sent in the kids. I even told them for the first time in ever, "Go jump on my bed." They did. They got hugs and kisses.

Would you believe he's still asleep?

So I wrote this blog post while it was all fresh in my head, and finally, he had to use the bathroom. Nothing gets you up better than having to use the bathroom. I'm probably going to surprise smack him in the face with my boob just for putting me through all this.

UPDATE: So I read him this blog post, and he has absolutely no recollection of any of this taking place.

Bruschetta Pasta Salad

2014-07-05T11:48:00.001-04:00

This is one of my favorite pasta salads ever. It has a posh deli taste to it, but it's better. My biggest complaint with most pasta salad is the noodles taste like chunks of flour that take away from the flavor of the rest of the salad. This is not an issue here...

This is a recipe that slowly morphed for me. When I worked at Olive Garden many moons ago, Bruschetta Caprese was on the menu, and it was one of my favorite dishes. When they took it off the menu, I started making Bruschetta based on their Caprese, where you add the cheese. Then for purposes of taking something to a picnic, I decided to add pasta and turn it into a salad since most of the time I make Bruschetta, we end up eating it with a fork instead of scooping it on bread. But, I didn't want the flavor to be lost with the pasta, so I decided to boil my pasta with flavor.

Note: This recipe makes a lot. You may decide to half it.

Ingredients:

1 Box of Mini Farfalle Pasta
12-16 Roma Tomatoes
5 green onions
2.5 oz of fresh basil
2 pounds of Mozzarella Cheese
Bottle of Red Wine (I used Riunite Lambrusco)
Balsamic Vinegar
Extra Virgin Olive Oil

Dump pasta into a pot, and fill it with wine 1/2 covering pasta. Add enough Balsamic Vinegar to cover about 1/4 pasta. Add water to fill over pasta. Boil. Simmer until soft. When finished, drain pasta, and then rinse with cold water until pasta is cool to the touch.

In this picture, I used a veggie chopper on slice (because even though the box said it had like 5 different ways to chop veggies, there seems to be two options. Mush or slices), but you can manually chop the tomatoes by hand if you want. When I do, I just dice them, big dices you can pick up with a fork. But dice or slice the tomatoes. Then chop green onion. I usually do about 1/4 up the green because that just feels right to me, so when I say 5 green onions, that's just about 1/4 of the way up the green. Adjust the amount accordingly. You can also use regular onion. I usually aim for a teaspoon to tablespoon for every 5 tomatoes. Sometimes I don't even use onion. Then take the basil, roll it up and slice. Then cut the mozzarella into small squares.

Mix everything together with a little Olive Oil. Season with some garlic salt if desired.

Easy Delicious Lime Pie

2014-07-05T11:25:00.002-04:00

This is one of my personal favorites, and a lot of people seem to really like it. I stole the recipe from my mom. It tastes like a creamy flavor with a hint of lime. It's not too sweet, but sweet enough.

Ingredients

1 can of Sweetened Condensed Milk

1 16oz tub of Cool Whip (or 2 8oz tubs)

Lime Juice

Green food coloring

1 graham cracker pie crust

In a big bowl, mix the sweet milk, cool whip, and squirt some lime juice into it, like a few teaspoons to start. Mix it up with a mixer. You don't need to use a mixer, but without a good mixer, you risk it being really runny (still tastes great if that happens). Taste a smidgen of it. Keep adding lime juice a little at a time until you get a flavor you really like. Add green food coloring to the color you want. Fill pie crust. Refrigerate until serving.

Etiquette to Giving a Proper BJ: don't blow it... by A Former Slut

2014-07-01T12:29:00.001-04:00

I know this is totally TMI, but someone has to talk about it. This is a very important subject, so important that if I ever run into a genie, my world peace wish would be that all the cum tastes like the cream filling of a twinkie but doesn't make you fat and ingesting it cures cancer.

Now I only give blow jobs (yes you read BJ right you dirty slut you) to people I love. It's reserved for those who have earned the precious right to stick their junk in my dribble, well except for that one guy but we won't talk about that.

I should mentioned I'm married, and this is more for married couples who lost, that loving feelin. Men for whatever reason seem to like Noggin (head, get it) over sex sometimes. It's so important to them that if I ever woke up with a penis, noggin would definitely be on my bucket list, just to see what's so awesome about it.

Too bad this is not a skill I can put on a resume. I don't think I'm that awesome at it, but whatevs. I'll tell you my secrets. You can tell me yours in the comments if you dare. Do you dare? Disturb the universe?

Noggin Do's to Make it Fun and not a JOB that BLOWS.

1. Chapstick. Days before the "big" event, slap some chapstick on your lips. The family jewels deserves to be kissed by soft, supple lips. You should also exfoliate a bit in that process. We are talking the most prized possession of any man here. You know I'm being quasi-facetious. Well if you didn't, now you do. Pretty much this whole post is that way.

2. Mouthwash optional. I read somewhere in something like Cosmo back in 1995 that if you use mouthwash before giving a BJ, it enhances it. So of course after reading something that absurd, I had to try it out. Never a complaint. Supposedly the astringenty nature of it brings the blood forward, and we all know that is one location where more blood, the merrier. In addition, it makes it taste better for you because your mouth is already numb and all you can taste is minty mintness.

3. Hydrate. Symptoms of minor dehydration are things like fatigue, things that won't help you. But also, you want to your slobber to be slick, not sticky, and you don't want it to smell because you have to relick your own lick. I mean one of the most vomit-inducing features of a blow job is licking cold slobber, especially if it tastes like garlic. This helps reduce that effect.

4. Remember ladies. Cup the balls. Don't just grab them like men do your boobs. No caress those fuckers. Cupping is probably the most important thing. Watch your teeth. In my Julia Child voice, remember ladies, you're not eating sausage. You are just gutting it out gently.

5. Occasionally lick the balls. Occasionally slightly suck the balls like you would the tip of an ice cream cone. Then breathe out on them. I know it's gross, like way gross to go there. I like to think about these during this part...

6. You know how on the tip of the penis, there's a heart shaped looking structure with a nice vein going down the center? Where the grooves cave in. Yeah, that spot is the male g-spot. Lick that like a pussy cat licking its ass. But not all the time, like occasionally do that or it gets too tender, and of course, not until after it's nice and hard. One guy who was not that well endowed used to scream, "God Almighty what are you doing to me?" It really is worth it if you get to hear that. Try not to laugh all over his dick when you do.

7. Mix it up. Make love to that thing. Avoid jaw cramps and possible vomit chokes from deep throating by occasionally licking different parts, kissing different parts, using your lips to slide up and down the slobber, and even your nose and cheek can do that. This is important because I don't know if it's possible for the jaw to lock up and you be stuck with a dick in your mouth needing paramedics to rescue you like a scene so bad it didn't make it into the American Pie movie, but I can't let something like that destroy my reputation so I mix it up.

8. Try to get turned on. Giving blow jobs are great when you feel you are in control, which you are, and when you, yourself, are enjoying it. How? How do you ask? Well, for starters, think about the same stuff you think about during sex whether it's that one guy you still like, the celebrity, a porn video, or eating a medium rare steak... Try NOT to think about things like your mom, your kids, your to-do list, that speech you have to give next week, new drapes, vomiting, or Jesus. I know it's difficult staying focused at a time like this. Think of the sexy aspects of yourself, not the what's wrong with the way you look that probably is not the case outside of your mind, but what you like about the way you look and feel. Get alpha male about it. You are the one in control. This man's pleasure is completely in your hands, and mouth. Everything you do outside of the bedroom doesn't matter. The only thing that's there are the hormones, savage instinct, and body chemistry. Hone in on that like you are trying to listen to a whispering voice in a crowd of screams.

and don't forget to...

This is important because, while there is no scientific evidence that I know of on this, on my psychic level, I'm straight telling you there is stuff that goes down (pun unintended) on a body chemistry level when your body emits hormones it does when it's turned on. The more turned on I am, the more it turns on my man. The more turned on he is, the more turned on I am. I don't know if it's an electrical signal thing that happens, or if it's a smell, or a combination of both, but it is most definitely there. It's probably a survival instinct in the process of reproduction and pro-creation. Our attractions are the same way, as we are generally attracted to someone with a different immune system for maximum genetic mix, and I really think there's something about the acidic vs base nature of the reproductive parts. Either way, BJ's are better for both when both people are emitting their hormones into the air.

9. Is the cum too salty? No problem. This is my most diabolical, mastermind, ingenious idea ever. Have you ever done body shots? This is like that but the men provide the salt. Yes ladies, when he comes at all in your mouth and you feel that bitter taste, chase that bitch down with some tequila and a lemon.

10. Definitely make him shower before you go there. And if you aren't that slut who is comfy giving BJ's but wish you were, or if you have a clean fetish otherwise known as OCD, blow jobs in the shower are no where near as nasty as blow jobs out of the shower.

11. The secret to deep throating is to relax the throat. It's an art. Practice it slowly. He doesn't care if you do that sort of thing or not. His penis is in your mouth, that's all that matters. If he jams it in there, grab his hands and pin his ass down. You are the boss because it's your mouth. If he wants to be boss, he can go down on you. This is what we call non-verbal communication, and most normal men like it when you take charge in that language, at least in the bedroom. But if you are too shy for something like that, no fear, just kindly say, "You have a huge penis. Try to be easy on me." And here I have exhibited a perfect example of the difference between Aggressive and Passive-Aggressive.

12. It's ok to want to ~~fuck~~ make love before he comes. BJ's can be awesome foreplay. Even if you can only handle it for a minute at a time, that's better than not doing it at all from the perspective of the penis. Now if you really don't want to, Don't. Don't give blow jobs you don't want to give, especially if it's because you think the penis needs to see a doctor. Don't do anything you don't want to do. I have to say that somewhere for moral implications, you know, like a "but I did say this..." when I give my confession for writing this post to a priest in hopes my penance will be less demanding. Fortunately I'm not really Catholic, so that was more metaphorical.

13. Only do this for men you care about or you probably mess it up if you aren't in it to please him because you love him. Note I said because you love him. Any other reason to please a man is probably not a good reason, like because you need attention, or because he's your boss and you deserve that promotion, or because you said no a thousand times and he's still trying and you just want to shut him up. Be a lady in the street and a freak in the bed. But the freak in the bed is reserved for only those who deserve it. If you do catch yourself at a party giving out a BJ to 3 guys in some strange bathroom on a dare, especially if you are under the age of 21, ummm, that's probably a sign of a daddy issue or a risk-taking symptom of some major disorder, and you should probably deal with that before you hurt yourself. And I don't mean that in an insulting way. I mean that in a seriously, please, do yourself a favor and take care of your mental health like it's a family heirloom.

14. And if the sight of a penis makes your stomach gurgle a bit because they do look like mushrooms... Remember this...

15. You should also read what Nikki from Moms Who Drink and Swear says about it, not only for the many many different synonyms one could use for penis (I personally like the word penis that I can't stop using it, and penis people because that's much better description than man), but also for the emotionally charged good advice she's about to give. The Hard Truth About Why You Aren't Getting a Blow Job

Now remember, there's more to a BJ than sucking a man's ego (how's that for a creative word for ding-a-ling?). There's more physical stuff that should occur, like some foreplay kissing, kissing his body in other places, caressing his body because he's so hot you can't help yourself (grab his ass while you are down there, don't lick it. Rim shot. That's just gross unless you like that sort of thing, in which case, I bow to you)... shit like that. But there's also the emotional stuff that goes on. You are bonding on a deeper level than a discussion about fireflies and soup. It's also often a result of the emotional bonds that take place outside of the bedroom. To me, it's a savage thing. I'm marking my territory.

P.S. If my mom reads this blog post... Nah I'm not going to apologize. It's good advice that even my own mother could follow. She might learn something. Who am I kidding? My mother probably could offer better advice.

PPS. If my kids ever read this post.. Do not give out any blow jobs until you are married. And you are not allowed to date until you are 37. And if you are thinking, "OMG my mom?" well just be happy I didn't swallow you and chase it with tequila. You might of lost some potential siblings that way. NO you weren't adopted.

Don't forget to comment, if you dare, about things you do. My husband will probably appreciate it more than he will ever publicly admit because I will probably try some new things as a result.

Update:

I found this gem today and had to put it here. The Grapefruit Blowjob. You're welcome.

Bavarian Cream Cheesecake Pastry

2014-06-29T18:42:00.003-04:00

1 cup Bavarian Cream (I'll provide the recipe I used below)

8 oz package of Mascarpone Cheese

1/2 Cup Powdered Sugar

Mix that together. I mixed it before I let the Bavarian Cream chill completely (like it chilled probably a half hour when I mixed them up) and then let it chill overnight in the fridge.

Then you take Pastry Puffs from the frozen food section, thaw, open one up and slice it 3 ways to get the desire width, and then bake at 400 for like 15 minutes. Then once it cools, take two and layer with a thick layer of the bavarian cheesecake stuff in between. I put a little of the cream on top as well. Then I drizzled Chocolate syrup and sprinkled some powdered sugar and cocoa.

The cheese mixture is delicious by itself, and you could probably make an actual cheesecake with it, but it's kinda more creamy than cheesecakeish. If I were to turn it into a pie, I would probably smash biscotti and use butter to hold it together for a crust and then fill with mixture before it fully chills and then let it chill overnight. You might mix/whip it longer before letting it go in if you used heavy whipping cream in the bavarian cream or increase the amount of gelatin used, like you'd have to play with it. It would probably be a good tirimisu topping too.

The Bavarian Cream Recipe

It makes a lot more cream than you need for my recipe, but you can eat that too :)

Ingredients: Servings: 6 Units: US | Metric

1 envelope unflavored gelatin

1/4 cup cold water

4 egg yolks

3/4 cup sugar

1 cup milk

2 teaspoons vanilla

1 cup whipping cream

Directions:

1 This gelatin-based custard must be made several hours before you plan to serve it.

2 It's great paired with cut-up fresh strawberries, or a mixture of fruit-- or with a rich butterscotch sauce.

3 INSTRUCTIONS: Preparing the gelatin: Sprinkle the gelatin over the cold water; stir to blend.

4 Set aside to soften for 5 minutes.

5 (It won't hurt to let it sit longer.) Mixing the ingredients: Put the yolks in a bowl and, using a whisk or fork, stir briskly to blend.

6 Slowly add the sugar and continue to stir until well mixed.

7 Cooking the custard: Pour the milk into a saucepan and place over medium-high heat.

8 Stand right by the stove and watch for tiny milk bubbles to form around the edge of the pan.

9 The milk should be hot, but not boiling.

10 It is better to underheat than to boil.

11 As long as the milk is hot it will work fine.

12 Pour the yolk/sugar mixture into the hot milk, then add the softened gelatin and stir with a large spoon or whisk to blend well.

13 Cook, stirring slowly, but constantly for 3 or 4 minutes.

14 Tilt the pan until you can see the bottom.

15 If there is a thin coat of custard on the bottom that doesn't flow as readily as the rest, it's ready.

16 Remove from heat.

17 Do not let the custard boil; it will be fine if you remove it too soon rather that too late.

18 Stir in the vanilla.

19 Pour the custard into a bowl and refrigerate for 30 minutes, or just long enough for it to begin to gel.

20 It should be thick but pourable.

21 This last step is the secret of a fabulous Bavarian Cream: Beat the cream only until it holds soft peaks.

22 If the cream is too stiff, the dessert will be too firm.

23 Fold the whipped cream into the custard.

24 Spoon into a 2-quart mold or bowl, cover with plastic wrap or a lid and refrigerate several hours, to allow the dessert to gel.

25 If the Bavarian Cream is in a mold, turn it out onto a plate before serving. 26 Otherwise, spoon into dessert bowls.