drinkers and dreamers

“Man Loving Feminist”

drinkersanddreamers — Tue, 15 Nov 2016 08:24:22 +0000

I went to bed 4 1/2 hours ago. I laid there a total wreck until I couldn’t take it anymore. My chest is burning from a 2 week long chest cold that has thrown me into aggressive coughing fits, I am nauseous from a menstrual migraine that I’m still coming down from, I’m extra emotional from this said menstruating and I’m feeling a legitimate war on my heart. Serious unrest. I’m a mess tonight and terribly tired. So, naturally, (despite the fear of coming across as just another person craving to be heard among this exhausting era) I decided to vomit all of it out right here. For me. I need to do it so I can sleep. I really have no idea if it has nothing to do with you or everything to do with you. I’m just hoping I can go back to bed when I’m finished. You can stop reading right now, or you can get comfortable. It makes no difference to me.

I’ve been feeling so guilty lately about the fact that I’m not angry. I’ve not been wanting to burn flags, protest or “stick it to the man” and I’m ashamed of it. I’ve literally felt nothing this week and for that, I hate myself. I don’t understand my own heart for the first time in my life.
I cried tonight despite telling myself that I would not cry over this election. But I broke. Not because I’m upset about Trump being there, or Hillary not being there, but because I don’t have a stance at all. I don’t know what’s right or wrong anymore. I only know that these combative spirits are saddening me.
I want to protect the broken. The women, the children, the families. I want to take in the refugees, the ones fleeing terror. I want to love the unloved, provide safety for the unsafe. I feel strongly about protecting the unborn and creating equality for my gay friends and family.
Yet, I am afraid of not having strong border control and letting people in. It’s daunting to me to be entirely honest. But I’m equally as scared for my immigrant neighbors and friends. I’m sad for the women and girls who don’t have a choice in the matter of pregnancy. Rape, incest, who knows what else. It’s terrifying. I can’t even imagine the circumstances and I can’t bring myself to vote against our rights as women. But abortion…oh my heart. Everything is grey to me and I’m ashamed I’m not damning someone for something. I feel like I’m not strong enough or opinionated enough. I’m afraid I’m going to get eaten alive because of it. Why do I feel like it’s all my fault and why is everyone so positive they’re right and everyone else is wrong?

Look. I love men. I never related with feminists because to me, they are men haters. I don’t get offended when guys smile at me or compliment me. I know some of them will find me adorable and I’m flattered. So what. I’m married, I love my husband more than any of them. It’s life. They’re cute, I’m cute, whatever. We were made to be attracted to one another. That doesn’t make them evil in my eyes. I don’t feel like all of them view me as a piece of meat. I respect men. Maybe it’s because I grew up with a whole slew of respectable ones…maybe that’s the difference and regardless, I’m grateful I did. But I’ve felt incredibly horrible about feeling this way toward men these last few days. If I love men, I must have voted for Trump and everything I just said about men is really just an excuse for their perverse behavior. I should not have to explain that that is not true.

Before you freak out…I realized tonight that I am a feminist (duh)! Of course I respect women, of course I don’t doubt our capabilities, not for a second. We deserve equal rights, equal pay, equal respect and it really is amazing that we still have so much work to do to attain it. I mean, part of me feels like we are making progress. Sure, we’re way behind some countries, but we’re way ahead of others. I just really wish we could find a way to continue the fight without the hate.
To be entirely honest, I’m having a hard time seeing how this is a battle of the sexes at all. My husband tried to explain to me tonight how it is, but I just feel like there are so many factors that go into an election that for Hillary’s loss to come down solely to the fact that she is a woman, well…I can’t get behind it. Go ahead, continue to help me understand how it’s all about that and nothing else. Convince me. I’m just saying, if I can be pro-men and not vote for Trump, there too can be feminists that don’t vote for Hillary.

Guys, I’m confused. It’s all so extreme and I’ve never felt more “middle of the road” in my life. My moral compass feels somewhat broken. I didn’t vote for Hillary or Trump (surprise!). Maybe this is my fault. Maybe I’m part of where it all went wrong. I’ll never know. I haven’t felt rage or angst or anything until tonight and it’s not for the same reasons you’re feeling it I’m sure. It’s because I’ve lost all clarity.
I’m not always blatant about my faith. Maybe that’s another thing I need to have a more evident stance on among some of you, maybe not. Either way, this particular Bible verse has been ringing in the back of my mind lately and I couldn’t find it until tonight. I’ll leave you with it as it’s my only hope right now. I hope you find some kind of comfort in it as well despite what your religious beliefs might be. Take it or leave it, just please don’t fight about it.

Psalm 146: 3-10 (New Living Translation)

Do not put your confidence in powerful people;
there is no help for you there.
When they breathe their last, they return to the earth and all their plans die with them.
But joyful are those who have the God of Israel as their helper, whose hope is in the Lord their God.
He made heaven and earth, the sea and everything in them.
He keeps every promise forever.
He gives justice to the oppressed and food to the hungry.
The Lord lifts up those who are weighed down.
The Lord loves the godly.
The lord protects the foreigners among us.
He cares for the orphans and widows, but he frustrates the plans of the wicked.
The Lord will reign forever. He will be your God, O Jerusalem, throughout the generations.

Sustainability, Christmas and Considerations

drinkersanddreamers — Tue, 10 Dec 2013 17:45:51 +0000

Christmas time is always a reality check for me on so many levels. A time to re-evaluate my life, my wants, my placement and direction. I think about how I chose to create my own life 500 miles from “home”, why I did it and if this is where I’ll always be. The creative life I’m pursuing here is a hard one, but fulfilling none the less. But, are my intentions pure? Am I creating because I have to and it’s a part of me? Or because I want to reach some certain type of status? If I were completely honest, I would have to say “both”. I don’t know what it is or why I want it, but I do. But I know that someday, when the time comes for a baby it’s going to be more than Christmas that makes me consider all of these things 100 times over. Sometimes family seems forever away and pursuits toward money, fame and recognition seem so petty.

I have this dream of living a fully sustainable life. To live off the land in a small house with nothing more than the beautiful bare essentials. I’m taunted by realtor listings every day of beautiful homes beyond our means that make me compromise this desire inside me that longs for simplicity. Christmas magnifies this longing. We’re forced to come up with “wish lists” of more stuff to add to our collection of things. I feel like it gets harder every year to come up with this said list. I spend each year trying to really consider what I let into my house, wardrobe, etc., then Christmas comes around and we’re allowed to lose all restraint and become frivolous for that one month out of the year. Then, we start over on January 1st with the new idea of living with less, getting organized, and wanting to live by the famous words “less is more”. Where do we get off? American consumerism? Keeping up with lifestyles we accidentally fell into? The subconscious messages on TV and other advertisements telling us that we need this or that? “Your lives will be easier with more”.

I just read an article by the American Psychological Association that said this: “Before the 1970s, our homes were places of quiet and refuge, where we could not be separated from our money. You were not a commercial animal at home. That changed in 1976 with the advent of L.L. Bean’s mail-order catalog that enabled consumers to call toll-free to place their orders, and later with TV’s home shopping networks. Nowadays, the Internet allows people to easily spend away their paycheck at home, on the road, or even while they’re at work earning money…”.
Thank you L.L. Bean for invading our space. Not to mention decreasing our will power to live simply.

I’m not writing this to say “I don’t want anything for Christmas!”. I’m grateful for the gifts I receive. And, if you’re like me, you really enjoy giving and coming up with creative ideas for those you love most. However, I am writing this to help you re-evaluate your intentions, to think ahead and pay attention to where your money is going (or where it’s not rather). Do you continually talk about how you need to “get rid of stuff” or “get organized” or how you believe that less really is more? If you answered yes to any of those questions maybe you should reconsider that wish list.

Some things really get me going…

To read the full article on consumerism follow this link: http://www.apa.org/monitor/2008/07-08/consumerism.aspx

Self Awareness and Fire

drinkersanddreamers — Mon, 19 Aug 2013 17:22:17 +0000

Self awareness is as important as breathing. To know who you are, how to say what you mean and to know how your coming across to people is vital. To know fully what makes you happy, what makes you tick, what puts wind in your sails and fire in your soul. What does this to you? No, really. Think long and hard…outside of the box, outside of “family”, “Jesus”, and “ice cream”. I’m talking cracks in the sidewalk, the sound of your husbands voice in the morning, going to movies alone (this particular one scares me), picking flowers and building things. Find and become familiar with what exhilarates you and go get yourself some more of it.

I am in a continuous battle with society. I’m serious. I want to appear a certain way to certain people, I don’t want to look like an uneducated “failure”. But let’s face it. I don’t have a degree in anything and I don’t have a “plan B” (it used to be becoming a rodeo queen, but I sold my horse). However, I am not dependent on anyone, I don’t owe anyone and I have never been happier. But, I still fight these expectations that this outside world inflicts on us. I’m incredibly confident in myself, but you put me in a room with closed minded, straight laced, Ph.Ds and I may have an anxiety attack and consider going back to school for engineering, when I know damn well that is not what God put me on this earth to do. Lord, help us all if it comes to that.

I’m digressing. What I’m here to tell you is that you need not become engineers because society thinks you need to make a certain amount of money. I’m telling you, do whatever the hell you want. Find what sets you free and do it. DO. IT. You have those passions for a reason. They are specifically instilled in the depths of your soul and they are put there to be utilized, not to be ignored, overlooked or demeaned by anyone, especially yourself!

I was recently told (by a woman that I don’t respect very much at all) that my “generation” feels the need to chase after their own “passions” and “follow their dreams”, avoid the dirty work and that I basically don’t understand how the real world works. I’ll refrain from further elaboration, but you already know that I highly disagree (OK, I got slightly enraged). I only felt sorry for her that she clearly isn’t doing what fulfills her soul. I never use my passions as a cop-out, but I am very aware of myself and my soul. I know what I need out of each day and I know what quenches my fire. It’s the water I avoid, not the work itself.

I thank God every day that I have such a supportive husband and that we have such loving families that get behind us and root us on and on and on. Families that wait impatiently for our next release of whatever it is we’re creating at that time. That ignites my fire…that is what keeps us going. I may not live up to certain peoples standards and I know for a fact that I’m not always fully understood, but I fully understand myself and I know how to say what I mean and how I’m coming across to the world. That is all that I want for myself, and for you. Do us all a favor and figure yourself out and own it. Face it and own it unashamedly and then go do whatever excites you, whether you’re a part of my generation or not.

Artists Vs. The Gifted

drinkersanddreamers — Mon, 19 Aug 2013 15:22:35 +0000

I believe that there are those who are born with gifts. Superior talents. There are people who spend day in and day out mastering their craft whether it’s God given, or pure result of personal interest and devotion. I believe that anyone, with enough passion can plant the creative seed and start their roots in any craft they choose, succeed, and even become masters, but I am convinced that only a small percentage of these people would reveal true artists.
The difference between these persons is that true artists are tortured. Their creativity is fully capable of wrecking their whole heart, soul and mind (and also fulfilling it). It interferes with their everyday life, their thoughts, the way they perceive things, their sleep and dreams and often times, friends. Sometimes, true artists aren’t the ones producing large quantities of their art, but the ones most tortured by it. Outlet and release are everything. Without it, is torment.
I don’t always practice like I should, or write as often as what some expect of me, but the lines and lyrics, images and colors, the pieces of dreams and real life that are floating inside of my head are constant. The longing to always be doing, learning, trying, traveling, experiencing and most of all creating is a continuous pumping through my veins, like the blood to my heart. It sometimes makes me extremely insecure, but fully confident other times. It can make me socially awkward, and can also allow me to relate better to others, always depending on my location and circumstance.
Now, I’m not demeaning or trying to cheapen the creators that I refer to as “gifted” or “talented” or the ones that are pursuing a brand new dream…not by any means am I trying to do that. But simply trying to communicate to you the difference between my art and theirs. The effect theirs has on them vs. the effect mine has on me and why I still can’t relate to the rhythm of their creative system.
There are times when I envy these creative types. They’re machines! They can produce mass quantities of greatness on a whim. I, however, am a tortured little soul who has to surrender daily to the ebb and flow of the muse. My art runs deep. I’m attached. It’s emotional. It comes from the subconscious, the underlying issues, the buried memories deep inside my brain (the right side, of course). These things are not easily accessed.
Some take this as an excuse not to create. It’s not. I believe that there are always ways to trigger the muse, it’s being pro-active in the process but not forcing. You can create your own inspirations, but you can’t control the outcome. And that’s the most beautiful part. Sometimes it’s immediate, sometimes it’s a long process. But it’s always just as rewarding as the “machine’s” accomplishment. That is what we share in this; the process and the success of completing a piece. And that’s what makes it all worth it. Even if one of us is slightly insane because of it…

New Beginnings

drinkersanddreamers — Sun, 13 Jan 2013 22:29:31 +0000

A lot can happen in 6 months. In my instance, I signed a co-publishing deal, got married, moved to a different house in a different neighborhood, completed several unfinished songs, began the production of my next album, booked studio time to begin the recording of this said album and traveled to a far away island with my new husband. Dreamy, to say the least.

So much has been accomplished and I feel a lot more in store. Consider me an advocate for patience. Seriously. The hardest lessons are always the most important, I swear. But all of these new things have been 27 years in the making. All those tiny stepping stones have led to solidifying results. They may have been the hardest to wait for, but great things are always worth it.

I may be a little bit OCD in the sense that I can not finish my task at hand if my bedroom is a wreck, or there are dishes in the sink. I can’t sit down to work musically when my house looks like a tornado struck it. I have to clean and put everything in its’ place before I begin to create. In the same light, I need my heart, head, and soul to all be at ease before moving forward with life. These last few months, all three have reached a deep sense of peace and contentment. Fulfilled and refreshed and ready to tackle a new year. I sense it in my bones that this is just the beginning of great things, if I can just contain myself and resort back to the ever important patience.

This coming year I will be posting less heart spilling blogs and more updates on this new life, inspirations I come across and glimpses of the little victories that keep us going.
Here’s to 2013, my new husband and our endeavors! Let our hearts not become anxious, but continue to be expectant, because a lot can happen in just 6 months.

(love)

Precariousness

drinkersanddreamers — Sun, 01 Jul 2012 01:09:43 +0000

Interruptions. New interests. Distractions. Hobbies turned to careers and then they’re lost. Love and ambition suddenly becomes a struggle and you miss the one thing that never left…it’s just consumed you. Another level of passion that takes away the mystery of victory and then it turns around and offers you dead ends. Sometimes you’re the only one believing in you, but you can’t bring yourself to do anything about it.
The depth of my heart, soul and imagination is deeper than you, and sometimes even I can fathom. I’ve only tapped into approximately 2% of it. I’m still in extremely shallow waters and all I can think about is drowning.
I long for it. I dream of drowning in that depth but we are taught not to go too far out there. I must go against myself to live fully. I’m prone to safety, prone to comfort, but I am aching, every part of me, for precariousness and those deep waters. A quixotic heart but settled mind; a healthy balance I’ve yet to find…

Getting lost.

drinkersanddreamers — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 17:19:17 +0000

Sometimes we forget to seek. Seek out what’s true, what’s right and what’s good. We assume whatever it is that we have reached is all of the above. We don’t question our conclusions, we just conclude. I am grateful for the people in my life who make me think deeper, stir up all of those provoking (and maybe even doubting) thoughts that have all settled into dusty complacency. I’m Thankful for the ones who remind you to never stop searching, even when you think you’ve already found it.
Something strange has settled on me. I’ve reached a point of extreme relaxation and peace. I don’t know what struck me, but the knots in my muscles have been released, the fog that had my mind has cleared up, and my uncertainties have been managed. I feel lethargic, but energized. I may have gotten lost for awhile there. But being lost ’causes you to seek, and by seeking you will be found. I have recently been found…again.
I have 6 new songs written. One of the most liberating things for me is a regular creative flow. My writers block has been defeated! Getting lost and found again and again is helpful in inspiring a soul. As well as a little rain and thunderstorms, sunshine and flowers. I’m reminded in all of this that there’s so much more to life than our daily routines. There’s more to it than just “getting by”. I hope I never reach a point in life where I’m just here to get by. I hope for more than that. More love, more adventure, more compassion, more creativity, more randomness, more strangers, more divine moments.
I’m going on a road trip this weekend in hopes to add more of these things to my life. I can’t think of anyone better to take this trip with, than the one that loves me, challenges me, inspires me creatively and is also one of the most compassionate men I’ve ever met. Here’s to refreshment, restarts, road trips and…getting lost.

I’ve come here to get high,
To do more than just get by.
I’ve come to test the timber of my heart
Oh, I’ve come to test the timber of my heart
And I’ve come to be untroubled in my seeking
And I’ve come to see that nothing is for naught
I’ve come to reach out blind
to reach forward and behind
For the more I seek the more I’m sought
Yea, the more I seek the more I’m sought.

– Joe Pug Hymn # 101

Visions

drinkersanddreamers — Wed, 06 Jul 2011 05:57:24 +0000

When I was younger, my youth pastor made us write down “where I see myself in 5 years” and “where I see myself in 10 years”. I wish I could find those sheets of written hopes and assumed realities (and I’d also like to know why he made us do that, now that I think about it). I imagine they’d be quite different from where I am now. I know for a fact that I wrote down “married with 2 or 3 kids” in the 5 year plan (please note I was 16 or 17 when this took place)! Now I can’t even begin to imagine that. Me, with 3 kids?! Not to mention the oldest would be 5 right now if I stuck with that. That is proof that God knows what he’s doing.
It’s interesting how He takes our visions and re-creates them into real lives more fitting for us. As if our dreams get warped on their way to reality. Or something…
Sometimes I get discouraged that I’m not in certain places in my life. I think, “if only I were at this point, I would feel better about myself”, or “if I could obtain this, things would start taking off” etc.. I use events and stages in life to determine my worth.
Instead, I’ve decided to attempt a new way of thinking…”with peace and contentment, I could be alright with none of these things”. That’s all I’m striving for now. Contentment and peace. Not that I don’t want to be married, have children, travel, or do all the things that were on my list, but I want to be content if none of these things present themselves to me.
Maybe I’ll never have the opportunity to get married, maybe I can’t have children, maybe I won’t reach a point financially where I can travel to the extent that I would like to travel. It’s not that I don’t want these things (and it frightens me to even THINK that these may not be a part of what’s in store for me), but more so, that I don’t want to be in a continuous state of unrest because I am unwilling to accept what God has for me now (or later!). I could miss out completely on the blessing of where I am in my journey because I’m so worried about where I am not. And that my friends, is no way to live a life of freedom in Christ. I pray that He’ll prepare me for what’s in store, but even more so for what’s not in store for me; that He’ll change my view of what’s best for me into an understanding of His.
I rarely focus on the positive things and what I have accomplished. I’ve seemed to have forgotten that one of my dreams was to live in Nashville, play/write a lot of music, work a “real” job as little as possible, have a cute little place to live and a dog. I have accomplished all of the above! Let it not go unnoticed.
I think as I enter a new chapters in my life it becomes easier to rate my worth based on status and fame (or lack thereof), but instead, I need to acknowledge what I’ve done, create a new “5 year” vision and then expect it to change, change some more, and change again until that vision becomes a Christ centered reality. That is where all contentment stems from.

Bloody Time

drinkersanddreamers — Thu, 02 Jun 2011 03:07:31 +0000

When I’m overwhelmed I shut down. I blankly stare at all the things that need attention and I pace. I pace like it’s my job. Then I go take a break. No wonder I feel like completion is not ever going to find me. Prioritizing is not an option when everything is 1st on the list.
I feel incomplete. I haven’t slept a straight 6 hours in I don’t know how long. I’m told things that I’m having a hard time believing (i.e. “it’s all going to work out”, “you’ll find something”, “you don’t need to be stressed” etc…). I’m not a skeptical person, I don’t know where this is all coming from. I’m a pretty “half full” girl. I guess even that gets tiring though. I am proof.

Where I am and where I want to be seem decades apart. It’s always the time that kills me; right now, I think I’m wasting mine.
I feel like I should be traveling with this time instead of doing whatever it is I’m doing. I should be spending these next 2 months in India or South America (or both, for that matter). But that’s impractical, ’cause when I get back I’ll be in the same place, just without money. Never mind. Let’s at least be realistic here.

Today is June 1st. No beer, no bread, no pasta, no pastries, starting….now. I’m going to pretend that I have a vacation to go on and a reason to look good in a swimsuit. My body is changing and it worries me.

I’m going to get a handle on myself if it’s the last thing I do.

Ignorance is Bliss

drinkersanddreamers — Sat, 23 Apr 2011 06:36:14 +0000

It’s been awhile since I’ve visited here. Long enough for a silly little car wreck, a trip to California, and a new plan of (attempted) re-locating to take place. Life sure has a funny way of getting our attention.
I’m so close to being without…yet, still overwhelmed with the amount of stuff I have. A strange contradiction.
I’ve had these dreams lately of dilapidated houses, a house floating away/getting destroyed in tornadoes, moving back in with my parents, and this frequent mental image of me standing in my front yard, homeless, with my pup and all my possessions around me…nowhere to go, and no way to get there. A little dramatic, I suppose. But all in all, proof that I have more anxiety than I let on. As is the usual case with me. I’m such a poser. Oh, the instability and uncertainties. I’ll get used to this, sooner or later. If not, maybe I’ll at least gain some consistency.
On another note, today is Good Friday. I’ve been in quite a reflective mood today. Not sure what’s going on here in this little heart of mine. It’s over-joyed, in love, at peace, concerned, homesick, anxious, sinful, continuously forgiven and…so many other things right now, that there’s no way I could begin to reflect on each state. Even looking inward is overwhelming right now.
I’m sort of ignoring things and am happier than I’ve been in a long time! I guess that’s why they say that “ignorance is bliss”. But, I’m encroaching crunch time and my ignorance has turned into procrastination which is turning into bad dreams of homelessness and biking everywhere. Funny, I wanted to be homeless for bit, but now I’m realizing how unattractive it really seems. At least it has been beautiful outside!
Tonight was the first time that I’ve truly felt the heaviness of sin. So much that I could almost hear it’s effects. Consequently, I’ve a new-found guilt and gratefulness for its atonement; beyond words or action. Speechless-ness before the sinless One. Not because I did something so wrong…but that I was exposed to something so right.
I can’t help but think that the situations I’ve found myself in are a result of the sin in my life. I keep trying to think about what I’ve done to find myself in the pickle that I am in. However, I’m not so sure it’s necessarily sin, but maybe just a stage in my life to build my faith…or even worse, my willingness. You never know how willing you truly are, until you’re actually asked to do it. That’s something I’ve learned recently. What you think you are willing to do. It’s like a little dog that doesn’t know his size, or having eyes bigger than your stomach.
I hope that I will always have a realistic view of who I am, my size, and how much I can stomach. And if I never learn to see things as they truly are, I hope I can learn to trust what I cannot see. For He IS here!

Happy Easter to all of you! May all of our anxieties be laid to rest, and this glorious atonement recognized.