Drinks Break

Australia v England Lions, Day Three

2009-07-04T17:05:00.002+10:00

England Lions v Australia, 3rd Innings, Worcester, Day Three, Stumps

Australia 358 & 276/4
England Lions 352

Australia 2nd Innings

Flashy Phil Hughes c Morgan b Harmison 8
Simon 'Handbrake' Katich c Moore Rashers Please! 37
Little Captain Punter c 'Bacon' Rashers b Harmison 15
Magnetic Marcus North not out 106
Pupshark c Onions Souvlaki 80
Mr Cricket not out 11

Extras (b 11, lb 7, nb 1) 19

Total (4 wickets, 73 overs) 276

So, let's look at this.

Before this game we had

In Form Aussies: Flashy Phil Hughes, Simon 'Handbrake' Katich, Little Captain Punter, Brad 'Has Been' Haddin, Mitchell 'Johnson and' Johnson, Stuart Clark

Out of Form Aussies: Mr Cricket, Pupshark, Magnetic Marcus North, Scarecrow, Ho Hauritz

And now, after day three of this game, the order has been almost perfectly reversed.

Only The Handbrake of Simon Katich and Ho Hauritz have maintained their form line. Oh, and Cryin' Shane Watson, of course, who remains injured and on the sidelines.

I say, let's get the three consistent players in a room and see if Simon will strangle the other two.

What do you think of the bizarre reversal of form of almost the entire Australian team, Team Consistency Advisor Bratich?

Boy, you said it Jessica.

Australia v England Lions, Day Two

2009-07-03T14:55:00.003+10:00

England Lions v Australia, 2nd Innings, Worcester, Day Two, Stumps

Australia 358
England Lions 302/6

Jumpin' Joe Denly b Scarecrow 66
Please Sir, I Want Some Moore c Has-Been Haddin b Scarecrow 120
Ding-Dong Bell lbw b Scarecrow 0
Vikram Souvlaki b Scarecrow 8
Eioioiaioan Morgan lbw b Scarecrow 4
Steve Davies b Pupshark b Magnetic Marcus North 53
Adil 'Bacon' Rasher not out 36
Tim 'Rashers of' Bacon not out 0

Extras (b 5, lb 2, nb 8) 15

Total (6 wickets, 81 overs) 302

Well, for the first time in seeming forever, the Scarecrow comes to the rescue.

Yes, you read that correctly. Brett 'Scarecrow' Lee came to the rescue.

Ho Hauritz? Not so much.

Australia v England Lions, Day One

2009-07-02T14:33:00.002+10:00

England Lions v Australia, 1st Innings, Worcester, Day One, Stumps

Flashy Phil Hughes c Denly b Harmison 7

Simon 'Handbrake' Katich c 'Extra' Onions b Harmison 95

Little Captain Punter c Souvlaki with 'Extra' Onions 1

Mr Cricket not out 143

Pupshark c Rashers of Bacon 4

Magnetic Marcus North b 'Extra' Onions 1

Brad 'Has-Been' Haddin lbw b Bacon 7

Mitchell 'Johnson &' Johnson c Davies b Bacon 47

Brett 'Scarecrow' Lee b Harmison 6

Nathan 'Ho' Hauritz not out 7

Extras (b 6, lb 10, nb 3) 19

Total (8 wickets, 90 overs) 337

What a stupid old scorecard that is. Still, as warmups for the Ashes go, this one was just about perfect for the Aussies. Pupshark and Little Captain Punter demonstrating yet again why they put the word 'unit' into 'captaincy unit' and Magnetic Marcus North's compass still as wobbly as ever.

On the other hand, Mr Cricket surged back into form and Our Man Mitch continued to tonk. Now, if we can just get the Scarecrow back into taking wickets off no balls, Ho Hauritz bowling rubbish and Cryin' Shane Watson watching injured from the sideline, I think the Aussie team will be precisely where we expected them to be for the First Test.

Peter Siddle Loves Zoe Goss... Pass It On

2009-06-30T13:04:00.004+10:00

Apparently, Pupshark and the rest of the team talk about Andrew 'Roid' Symonds 'daily'.

Huh?

Is this the Australian cricket team? Or the cast for the new season of Gossip Girl?

Related: Who would win a game of cricket between the cast of Gossip Girl and the Australian 20/20 team? Show your working.

What Would Bradman Do?

2009-06-27T10:50:00.005+10:00

Well, this is bizarre.

The Australians have been urged by Cricket Australia chiefs not to:

display visible aggression or sledge
be disappointed, despondent or abrupt with the media
spit or swear
claim dropped catches

In essence, they're being urged to abandon most of the very skills that made the Steve Waugh era team such a champion squad. This way lies madness, surely.

What else should the Australians be urged not to do? Make your choice in the poll to the right there.

A Simple Plea

2009-06-25T11:31:00.003+10:00

Apparently, Cryin' Shane Watson isn't going to give up.

Shane? Mate? Please do.

Guess Who Is Injured Again?

2009-06-23T15:57:00.001+10:00

I'll give you a clue... tears have been shed.

A Plan For Australia's 20/20 Future

2009-06-22T09:57:00.003+10:00

Kudos Pakistanis on your World Cup 20/20 victory. May you reign supreme until, uh, late next year when yet another 20/20 World Cup looms.

Here's a radical plan for Australia to take the crown off the Pakistanis at that tournament. Or, y'know, get past the first round (let's not get ahead of ourselves):

Make Andrew 'Roid' Symonds the captain and team selector.

No, seriously. He's the best 20/20 player Australia has. Let's build the team around him. Discard the coaches, the team managers, the selectors, all the rest of it. Just have Symonds pick whoever the hell he pleases, have them rock up to the tournament, drink whenever they feel like it, train whenever they feel like it and go out there and play.

You know that under this radical, stripped-back plan, SMS Warne would rejoin the squad. You'd probably get the Pillar back to open as well. And most importantly, you wouldn't have Little Captain Punter and Pupshark in there, sucking the life out of the team with their 20/20 hopelessness.

What do you reckon, Cricket Australia? Nothing else you've tried has worked. Let's think outside the box and inside the bottle.

What do you think of this plan, Team Lateral Thinking Consultant Bratich?

Exactly.

The Choke's On You

2009-06-20T14:51:00.006+10:00

Oh, sure, I could make fun of the Saffer's denials that they've choked once more.

But, heck, I've done that before. In fact, here's the list of the previous declarations of non-chokes (with fresh addition)

"Defeated Smith Plays Down 'Chokers' Tag", June 18, 2009, NEW!

"Proteas Say Era of Torment Is Over", December 16, 2008

"We Are Not Chokers - Smith", April 18, 2007

"Proteas Are Chokers No More, Says Kallis", October 9, 2006

"SA Dismiss Chokers Tag", October 13, 2003

"Smith: We're Not Chokers", August 9, 2003

"We're Not Chokers, says Jonty", March 21, 2002

So, instead, let's see what Jessica Bratich (now officially replacing Lara Bingle as Australia Cricket's Number One WAG) has to say about the Saffer's latest claims:

You said it, Jessica. 'Yowsers', indeed.

Still More Updates on Australia's 20/20 World Cup Campaign

2009-06-15T09:53:00.003+10:00

"Hey, Graeme Hick just got an MBE."

"Yeah, sure Punter."

"No, seriously. It's in the paper."

"What. Ever. I'm off to get a peach daiquiri."

"I believe you, Ricky."

"Oh, shut up Pup, you little suck."

More Updates On Australia's 20/20 World Cup Camnpaign

2009-06-13T12:06:00.005+10:00

"Hey, is that Katto?"

"Where? Where?"

"Ha ha! Got you again, Pup."

"You suck, Mitchell. And quit your sniggering, Peter. I'm still vice-captain, you know... Hey! Quit splashing me, or I'll tell Tim. Right. That does it. I'm telling Tim. Tiiii-iiiim!! The bowlers are splashing me!"

(picture, right, "I should be leading this attack on Pup," thinks Scarecrow)

Update On Australia's 20/20 World Cup Campaign

2009-06-11T09:51:00.003+10:00

"Isn't Leicester beautiful?"

Australia Lose Other 20/20 Game (Equally Predictably)

2009-06-09T10:27:00.007+10:00

As other teams pull out some surprises - Poms winning a game, Bangladesh pushing the powerhouse Irish to the second-last over, Jacques Kallis contributing to a victory - the Australians continue to remain the most consistent 20/20 team on the planet, this time losing to Sri Lanka.

How'd the team go this time around?

Cryin' Shane Watson: Batted at slightly over a run a ball. Bowled at two runs a ball.

David 'Merry Melodies' Warner: Out in the first over as one would expect.

Little Captain Punter: Made some runs. Captained like a weiner.

Brad 'Has-Been' Haddin: Got out before he even started to look good.

Michael 'Pupshark' Clarke: Bowled better than he batted.

Young Master Cricket: Tonked some runs. But nowhere near enough.

Mr Cricket: Took five deliveries to score a sublime one.

Mitchell 'Johnson &' Johnson: Best batsman in the innings. Ended the game by bowling a wide.

Brett 'Scarecrow' Lee: Batted well. Also bowled well in the first half of most overs. Bowled rubbish in the second half of his overs.

Nathan 'Ho' Hauritz: Second-best Australian spin bowler.

Nathan 'Gabba' Bracken: Batting strike rate of 400!!

Andrew 'Roid' Symonds: Still at home, laughing until beer comes out of his nose.

Australia has the makings of a fine lower order batting unit with Mitchell 'Johnson &' Johnson, Scarecrow and Gabba Bracken all scoring quickly.

Now, if only they could find some fast bowlers.

And a top and middle order batting unit.

Next 20/20 World Cup is only eighteen months away, lads... Until then, go hang out with the Scots and the Bangles and what ever other team is knocked out in the opening rounds.

Australia Lose Opening 20/20 Game (Predictably)

2009-06-07T09:25:00.004+10:00

No real surprises in the opening few games of the 20/20 World Cup. Poms lost to the powerhouse Dutch. Rain made the Kiwis-Scots game a joke. Yuvraj Singh went batshit.

And, of course, Australia lost another 20/20 match.

All to be expected, of course. But let's go into more depth on exactly how predictable the Aussies were:

Cryin' Shane Watson: Out for an absurd pissweak duck. Bowled two nufty overs.

David 'Merry Melodies' Warner: Made some runs! Predictably unpredictable.

Little Captain Punter: Out even quicker than Cryin' Shane Watson.

Michael 'Pupshark' Clarke: Played himself in, consolidating for 13 balls before being dismissed for two. Bowled one rubbish over of dross.

Brad 'Has-Been' Haddin: Got out just when he was starting to look dangerous.

Young Master Cricket: Smashed some big sixes in the sixteen deliveries he batted. Got smashed for just as many in the six deliveries he bowled.

Mr Cricket: Not out. Dropped a skied catch.

Mitchell 'Johnson &' Johnson: Equally good at batting and bowling. And by 'good', I mean 'mediocre'.

Brett 'Scarecrow' Lee: Usual England form. Four overs. Fifty-six runs.

James 'Dashed' Hopes: Didn't bat. Sorta bowled.

Nathan 'Gabba' Bracken: Bowled two overs of disguised slower balls and changes of pace, most of which went to the boundary.

Andrew 'Roid' Symonds: Sitting at home with a sixpack, laughing his guts out.

What's your predictable reaction to the Australian's predictably lamentable standard of 20/20 play, Team Consistency Expert Bingle?

Predictably awesome.

Close Enough

2009-06-05T09:32:00.003+10:00

From this post back on May 5 analysing Australia's World 20/20 Cup Squad:

Andrew 'Roid' Symonds (5-1) - will show up drunk to at least one game

Gosh, I was close enough, surely.

Killer Cricket Balls!

2009-06-03T12:44:00.005+10:00

Well, Australia have won a couple of warm-up games for the 20/20 World Cup, defeating the Kiwis and also bogey team Bangladesh.

This might be news in another week, especially with Cryin' Shane Watson getting among the runs (and not in a diarrhoea kind of way). But not this week. This week, the world is gasping at news of killer cricket ball missiles!!

First, Jacques Rudolph propels a ball into a hapless pigeon, killing it instantly.

Then a schoolboy was hospitalised after KP unleashed his own killer cricket ball missile.

Who will be struck next by this outbreak of killer cricket balls? An umpire? Lara Bingle?? South Korea??? One thing's for sure, it's certainly got the Poms excited by the upcoming World Cup in a way they haven't been since, oh, probably The Blitz.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T

2009-05-30T12:50:00.004+10:00

The IPL is now over (with a mere 5 cheerleaders lost to lion attacks - kudos South Africa!). We now turn our focus to the 20/20 World Cup that starts next week.

Supercoach Tim Nielsen has fired off an early interview and declared that the 20/20 format deserves 'greater respect'. He goes on to explain that the Australian's way of showing the 20/20 format greater respect is to, uh, select Andrew 'Roid' Symonds in their team.

There is no word yet, however, on whether or not Symonds will be permitted to get respectfully wasted the night before the game against Bangladesh.

IPL Semi-Finals and Final

2009-05-25T09:10:00.004+10:00

Okay, this is the pointy end of the tournament (whatever the hell that means!)

Semi-Final One - Delhi Daredevils v Deccan Chargers

The Daredevils start about as well as can be expected (Gambhir and David 'Merry Melodies' Warner both dismissed for nothin' in the first over) to make 153. For some reason, Adam Gilchurch is of the opinion he has no more than four overs to run this total down. So he scores 85 off 35 deliveries before anybody has the chance to correct his crass error. From that point on, not even the Deccan Chargers can bollocks the chase up.

Semi-Final Two - Bangalore Royal Challengers v Chennai Super Kings

The Chennai Super Kings demonstrate beautifully the importance spreading the load. Their top five all muster 20 to 30-ish each giving them a total of 146. Awesome teamwork. Of course, they lose miserably from that point with the Royal Challengers' Kung Fu Pandey scoring a handsome 48 to anchor the chase.

Which brings us to the final...

Final - Bangalore Royal Challengers v Deccan Chargers

The Chargers bat first and somebody stupidly tells Gilchurch that he has twenty overs in which to bat. He responds by getting out 3rd ball. Luckily, The Man Who Dropped The World Cup steps up and, with some assistance from Andrew 'Roid' Symonds, the Chargers scramble to 143. Enough to stop the Challengers? Of course. The Challengers' chase sputters and spurts and never really gets going and they end up a six short, which means, in the space of a year, the Deccan Chargers have gone from bottom of the table to top! Good news for the Hoff's men next year and, really, there's only one response worthy of such a feat:

Indeed

IPL Matches Fifty-Five And Fifty-Six

2009-05-22T10:23:00.004+10:00

Match 55 - Delhi Daredevils v Mumbai Indians

A 'who cares' fixture, this one, as the table-topping Daredevils face the no-hope Mumbai Indians. The winner? Anybody who didn't watch the tedious excuse for a game. Also, the Daredevils.

Match 56 - Bangalore Royal Challengers v Deccan Chargers

Somebody named Manish 'Kung Fu' Pandey blasts 114 off 73 balls to give the Challengers a total of 170. Far too many for the Chargers, but they score more than 3 runs in their innings to keep their net run rate high enough to make the semi-finals.

Speaking of which:

Semi-Final 1: Delhi Daredevils v Deccan Chargers

Semi-Final 2: Chennai Super Kings v Bangalore Royal Challengers

I'll let you know how they go...

IPL Matches Forty-Seven Through Fifty-Two

2009-05-20T10:20:00.004+10:00

Only four matches before the semi-finals. But let's see what's been happening in the last half-dozen games or so.

Match 47 - Chennai Super Kings v Mumbai Indians

The Mumbai Indians tumble into Lake Defeat once again, with their target of 147 being easily run down by the Super Kings, with The Pillar sheet anchoring the chase. (Oooh, I love The Pillar playing the sheet anchor role).

Match 48 - Deccan Chargers v Kolkata Knight Riders

Last ball victory for the Deccan Chargers as they successfully chase down a target of 160. This time, Adam Gilchurch tries to be the sheet anchor, but has no idea how to do it, so smacks around 43 (31) before being dismissed. No matter, the rest of the team stumble on him, despite their sheet anchorlessness.

Match 49 - Deccan Chargers v Kings XI Punjab

A day later, and once again without a sheet anchor. But this time, the Deccan Chargers can't chase down the total, despite it only being 134. Hero for the Kings XI is Yuvraj Singh, who snaffles three wickets for only 13 runs (merciful Rao!) in addition to contributing 20 runs with the bat.

Match 50 - Delhi Daredevils v Rajasthan Royals

SMS Warne's lads can't chase the dashing Delhi Daredevil's total of 150. Which is odd.

Match 51 - Chennai Super Kings v Kolkata Knight Riders

What's odder, though, is that the Hoff's men have won another game! The Super Kings score 188, but the Hoff's men run it down from the last ball thanks to up-and-coming NSW opener Brendon McCullum and Brad 'The Stodge' Hodge. What a bizarre universe in which we reside. Can Match 52 be any odder?

Match 52 - Bangalore Royal Challengers v Delhi Daredevils

No. No it can't be. The Daredevils make 134. The Royal Challengers sneer at the total and cruise to victory despite the presence of Blistering Jacques Kallis. Normal service is resumed.

Points Table

Delhi Daredevils 18

Chennai Super Kings 15

Deccan Chargers 14

Bangalore Royal Challengers 14

Kings XI Punjab 14

Rajasthan Royals 13

Mumbai Indians 11

Duckworth Lewis 5

Kolkata Knight Riders 5

So, one team safe. Five other teams playing for three spots. Here's what they have to do to make it.

The Angriest Australian Cricketer

2009-05-18T10:48:00.003+10:00

Shaun 'Tit For' Tait is cross because he's no longer in Cricket Australia's Top 25 Players. Also, because he didn't get to play in the IPL and earn 'a shitload of money'. Kim 'Don't Call Me Phil' Hughes is cross with 'Tit For' because he's 'soft' and, uh, 'cosmetic' (whatever that means).

To which I say, steady on Kim! You're being way too harsh on 'Tit For' here. Because, by gum, that first over in his first spell is often very quick and, on many occasions, has up to two deliveries on target. And, given the standard of play of the modern Australian cricket team, you'd have to think such qualities would have him teetering right on the brink of the Top 25.

So settle down Kim Hughes.

Still, all this crossness raises the question as to who is the angriest Australian cricketer. Shaun 'Tit For' Tait may not be in Australia's most talented list any more, but surely he's a shoo-in for the angry list.

Here are the candidates. Vote for them in the poll at the right there:

Shaun 'Tit For' Tait - won't somebody pay me for that thing I do?

Simon 'Handbrake' Katich - where's f**king Pupshark gone?

Andrew 'Roid' Symonds - get me another beer!

Peter 'Siddle In The Middle' - I'll huff and I'll puff

Sir Donald Bradman - WTF? I'm still dead? But I'm f**king Bradman, for f**k's sake!

IPL Matches Forty-Four Through Forty-Six

2009-05-16T09:03:00.005+10:00

Into the home stretch now

Match 44 - Bangalore Royal Challengers v Chennai Super Kings

Good game, this one. The Pillar blasts off (60 off 39 balls) but none of the other Super Kings go with him and they muster a poorly 129. An opening two-wicket blast from Kryptonian hybrid Mork-El gets them back into it, but eventually the Challengers consolidate and scramble home with a couple of balls and/or wickets to spare.

Match 45 - Mumbai Indians v Rajasthan Royals

And another good'un. This time the Royals, batting first, tally a middling 145. The hapless Mumbai Indians head off in pursuit, led by The Little Master. But SMS Warne helps the Royals chip away and eventually, those darn fool Mumbai Indians are dismissed two runs short and with a ball up their sleeve (ICC officials are investigating the legality of this ball-sleeve trick).

Match 46 - Delhi Daredevils v Kings XI Punjab

Two out of three ain't bad (as a very fat man (ie, Arjuna Ranatunga) once said). This game's a bit of a dud. Brett 'Scarecrow' Lee remembers that he actually used to play a game very similar to this, how you say?, 'cree-ket'. He takes three wickets and helps restricts the Daredevils to 120. The Kings XI Punjab make harder work of it than they should have, but eventually Kumar Sangakarra sensibles things up and they cruise home with an over to spare.

Points Table

Delhi Daredevils 16

Chennai Super Kings 13

Rajasthan Royals 13

Deccan Chargers 12

Bangalore Royal Challengers 12

Kings XI Punjab 12

Mumbai Indians 11

Duckworth Lewis 5

Kolkata Knight Riders 3

Still all very open. Everybody except Duckworth Lewis and the Hoff's men can still make the finals. Mmmmm.... that's good competition.

IPL Matches Forty Through Forty-Three

2009-05-14T09:56:00.003+10:00

Match 40 - Deccan Chargers v Rajasthan Royals

Best friends Adam Gilchurch and SMS Warne face off once again. And this time around, Gilchurch's men made SMS Warne's lads look like idiots as the Royals did one of their crumble-a-thons to be all out for 113

Match 41 - Bangalore Royal Challengers v Kolkata Knight Riders

Despite up and coming New South Wales batsman Brendon McCullum returning to form, blasting 84 runs, the Hoff's lads go down once more, thanks to, uh, Ross Taylor. (Editor: check this!)

Match 42 - Kings XI Punjab v Mumbai Indians

Well, don't all those people who mocked the Mumbai Indians look stupid now? This time, Dwayne Bravo!! and The Little Master run down a pitiful Kings XI target of 119 with about 50 balls to spare.

Match 43 - Deccan Chargers v Delhi Daredevils

The Daredevils make their way to 173 off their 20 overs. Adam Gilchurch has one of his batshit attacks in the attempt to chase the target down, but he's the only one with any interest in the game and once he's dismissed, the Chargers splutter to 161.

IPL Matches Thirty-Six Through Thirty-Nine

2009-05-11T12:25:00.004+10:00

Match 36 - Deccan Chargers v Kings XI Punjab

Oooh. Good game this one. Andrew 'Roid' Symonds shows up and powers the Chargers to a total of 168. Despite Venugal 'Merciful' Rao's best efforts, the Kings XI sneak home, with Brett 'Scarecrow' Lee snaffling a single off the last ball.

Match 37 - Chennai Super Kings v Rajasthan Royals

Not quite as good a game. The Royals sputter their way to 140. Nowhere near enough to stop the Super Kings who super-chase the target down, led by The Pillar and Badrinath

Match 38 - Bangalore Royal Challengers v Mumbai Indians

All those naysayers talking trash about the Mumbai Indians were forced to eat their poorly chosen and poorly salted words. This time around it was Slappin' Harbhajan Singh who slapped the Challengers into place with a couple of wickets and some tight bowling, which kept the target of 157 safe.

Match 39 - Delhi Daredevils v Kolkata Knight Riders

The Hoff's men went down again. Is that a surprise to anybody? Because when you bat first and can only manage 123, this kind of thing is bound to happen. Especially when you have Brad 'The Stodge' Hodge taking up useful batting order positions.

Points Table

Delhi Daredevils 14

Chennai Super Kings 13

Rajasthan Royals 11

Deccan Chargers 10

Kings XI Punjab 10

Mumbai Indians 9

Bangalore Royal Challengers 8

Duckworth Lewis 5

Kolkata Knight Riders 3

IPL Matches Thirty-Three Through Thirty-Five

2009-05-09T09:11:00.004+10:00

Match 33 - Bangalore Royal Challengers v Rajasthan Royals

Singh and Jadeja combine to knock the Challengers over for a wretched 105. The Royals cruise past that in their sleep. (Literally in the case of Lee 'King of the' Carseldine)

Match 34 - Chennai Super Kings v Kings XI Punjab

The triumphant return of fan favourites Duckworth and Lewis!! This time, a thrilling 18/18 match. The Pillar does his thing (ie insults vast chunks of India) and the Super Kings win.

Match 35 - Delhi Daredevils v Mumbai Indians

Gosh, the Mumbai Indians just get worse and worse, don't they? Now they're losing to the Delhi Daredevils. What next? Losing to the Hoff's men? Nothing even worth discussing in this game.

In international 20/20 news, Australia's greatest ever captain is no more, as Brad 'Has-Been' Haddin's 100% record is halved with a thrashing by the Pakistanis. Still, his captaincy did preside over yet another Cryin' Shane Watson injury, so all was not lost.