Drinks Break

My Work Here Is Done

2009-10-08T12:21:00.003+11:00

This blog was started in 2005, shortly after Australia lost the Ashes for the first time in over 11,000 years. It was, as the original tag line stated, a salute to 'the inevitable demise of the Australian cricket team'. The tag was later changed, as Little Captain Punter unveiled his true leadership skills, to 'the ongoing demise of the Australian cricket team'.

Now, with the Australian Test team losing the Ashes again and firmly ensconced in the mid-rankings, I feel as though the journey is complete.

We have chronicled Australia's descent into Test mediocrity (for, on this blog at least, Test cricket retains its primacy and ODI Champions Trophy victories and the like are disregarded). Now they'll either a) descend to Bangladesh-Zimbabwe-Windies levels, which would start to tip from funny to sad, b) maintain their current standards, which is boring or c) return to the top, which is even more boring.

So that's all. A little four year pocket of Little Captain Punter-led idiocy. That shall be this blog's legacy. I may come back with more posts in the future, if something particularly stupid strikes me. But I wouldn't bet on it.

So farewell Little Captain Punter. Goodbye Pupshark. Adios Mitchell's Johnson, House of Hilf and Peter Siddle In The Middle. Safe journey, Brett Scarecrow Lee. Get better soon, Mr Cricket. To Has-Been Haddin, Cryin' Shane Watson, Nathan 'Ho' Hauritz and all the rest, the best of luck to y'all. You're gonna need it.

And Jessica Bratich? I think I'll miss you most of all...

The More Things Change...

2009-09-28T12:24:00.002+10:00

In a changing world where Australia continues its predictable slide down the world cricketing ladder, it's good to know that, come the big tournaments, we can still rely on the Saffers to choke.

Thank you South Africa. Thank you for being you.

Huh?!?

2009-09-22T10:45:00.005+10:00

According to the Telegraph, Little Captain Punter has described the tour of England as 'one of the most enjoyable of his career, despite skippering his side to an Ashes defeat for the second time'.

WTF? No, seriously. WTF? Punter now considers Ashes-losing a fundamental part of happy tour? He thinks this shambolic tour was more enjoyable than the time Steve Waugh led the team around the country, kicking Poms in the butt wherever they went, fielding nine slips in an ODI, smashing centuries all over the place despite being unable to walk and only letting the Poms have a consolation win when Gilchurch took over for a rain-disrupted Test? More enjoyable than the time Tubby chose to tour as a professional captain and brilliantly toyed with the Poms, letting them take a 1-0 lead after a couple of Tests before surging home with three consecutive Test wins?

And he's coming back in 2013? Time to settle in for an extended stay in the mid-rankings, I feel.

What do The Eyes of Katich have to say about Little Captain Punter's masochistic sense of fun?

Little Captain Punter. The Eyes of Katich have spoken and they deem thee Misguided In Your Sense Of Fun.

Australia Descends Into Test Mediocrity... Fifteen Months Ago

2009-09-07T12:47:00.003+10:00

Australia beat the Poms in an ODI nobody cares about last night. Yawn. It still doesn't erase the fact they are now ranked Number Four on the Test Rankings. And, as we've discussed before, by 'now', I mean 'fifteen months ago', since that's the time lag the ICC ratings system works with.

So, what was the team that slumped to fourth in late May, 2008?

This one:

Phil 'Jaques on a Plane'

Simon 'Handbrake' Katich

Little Captain Punter

Mr Cricket

Michael 'Pupshark' Clarke

Andrew 'Roid' Symonds

Brad 'Has-Been' Haddin

Brett 'Scarecrow' Lee

Mitchell's Johnson

Stuart 'Don't Call Me Michael' Clark

SCG MacGill

No surprises there, surely. Three of this lot are seemingly gone forever/the foreseeable future (Jaques on a Plane, Roid Symonds and SCG MacGill). Two are in the frame but no certainties (Scarecrow and Stuey Clark). But the other six live on. Come on, Cricket Australia - let's dump the dead wood!

GUILTY!

2009-09-03T14:19:00.006+10:00

On my previous blog post, I got a comment from Captain Carnage, one of the fine denizens over at the aptly-named We'll Have A Bowl Blog. His comment?

"Hmmm...we batted, bowled and fielded better...Sarfraz carried the drinks better...Hilditch reckons we selected better...us bloggers blogged better...there's only one conclusion that we can come to.

On the charge of poor captaincy, I hereby find you, R. Ponting...GUILTY!!!"

This verdict, of course, immdiately reminded me of the scene in Superman where Jor-El (step-great-uncle of Morne Mork-El and his brother Albie Mork-El) sentenced General Zod. And so, a quick dash of Photoshop later...

GUILTY!

Ashes '09 Analysis

2009-08-31T09:32:00.003+10:00

An alert analysis from an alert fan:

This is my analysis of The Ashes series (by my stats) and Punter’s influence as captain:
Australia had 6 of the top 7 batsmen in the series.
Australia had 6 batsmen average 40 or more in the series. England had 2 and one of them was Trott who played one test.
Australia scored nearly 150 more runs than England did in the series.
Australia had the top 3 wicket takers in the series and took 12 wickets more than England did in the Series.
Australia had the 2 highest scoring batting innings in the series (6/674 dec and 445) and England had the worst batting innings (102) in the series.
Australia had 4 of the top 5 catchers in the field. And Haddin took more dismissals behind the stumps than Prior (despite playing one less test).
Yet, despite all of this we lost the series… Now, if we batted, bowled and fielded better both individually and as a team, then what other factor can be attributed to a series loss…

Astute stuff. Is it no wonder that there was a recent question on 'Yahoo! Answers' about burning effigies of Ponting? The question's since been deleted (or burnt in effigy?!? You decide), but still...

Ashes Fact Time!

2009-08-26T13:19:00.003+10:00

Sure, we can continue to go on about Little Captain Punter. And we will. My word, we will.

But not this day.

This day, I thought I'd instead offer up a thrilling Ashes stat, which I guarantee has not been revealed elsewhere:

Jonathan Trott was the first Ashes centurion whose surname is one spelling mistake from a type of horse's gait since Graham Yallop!

One for the record books, certainly.

What do you think of this thrilling piece of trivia, Ashes Obscure Fact Gatherer and Amateur Equestrian Jessica Bratich?

Boy, you said it, Jessica. Yowsers, indeed.

The Words No Australian Cricket Fan Wanted To Hear...

2009-08-24T08:21:00.001+10:00

Ricky Ponting, having lost the Ashes for a second time:

"With us losing here I might even see if I can make it back here for
one more go."

Why do you hate Australian cricket so, Little Captain Punter?

England v Australia, Fifth Test, Day Three

2009-08-23T11:15:00.002+10:00

England v Australia, 3rd Innings, The Oval, Day Three, Stumps

England 332 & 373/9d
Australia 160 & 80/0

Australia 2nd Innings

Cryin' Shane Watson not out 31
Simon 'Handbrake' Katich not out 42

Extras (b 4, lb 1, nb 2) 7

Total (20 overs, 0 wickets) 80

Australia only need 466 runs to win. Knowing Little Captain Punter's captaincy skills, they'll probably cruise to 544/3 tomorrow before he inexplicably declares. What a goose.

England v Australia, Fifth Test, Day Two

2009-08-22T15:19:00.003+10:00

England v Australia, 3rd Innings, The Oval, Day Two, Stumps

England 332 & 58/3
Australia 160

England 2nd Innings

Johann Strauss not out 32
Captain Cook c Pupshark b Magnetic Marcus North 9
Ding Dong Bell c Simon 'Handbrake' Katich b Mitchell's Johnson 4
Paul Collingwood, MBE c Simon 'Handbrake' Katich b Mitchell's Johnson 1
'Hot To' Trott not out 8

Extras (b 1, w 1, nb 2) 4

Total (3 wickets, 28 overs) 58

Well, barring monsoons or other similar acts of God, the Poms will reclaim the Ashes either tomorrow or the next day, thus cementing Little Captain Punter's place in history. Many will say this was the day that cost Australia the Ashes.

Me, I'm still looking at that last evening in Cardiff.

England v Australia, Fifth Test, Day One

2009-08-21T16:51:00.003+10:00

England v Australia, 1st Innings, The Oval, Day One, Stumps

England 307/8

England 1st Innings

Johann Strauss c Has-Been Haddin, b The House of Hilf 55
Captain Cook c Little Captain Punter, b Siddle In The Middle 10
Ding Dong Bell b Siddle In The Middle 72
Paul Collingwood, MBE c Mr Cricket b Siddle In The Middle 24
'Hot To' Trott run out like an idiot 41
Matt 'Richard' Prior c Cryin' Shane Watson b Mitchell's Johnson 18
Fred c Has-Been Haddin b Mitchell's Johnson 7
Stuart Bored not out 26
The Ugly Duckling c Has-Been Haddin b Siddle In The Middle 18

Extras (b 12, lb 4, w 3, nb 17) 36

Total (8 wickets, 85,3 overs) 307

Huh. Peter Siddle In The Middle comes good. And here I was, advocating for him to be replaced by Brett 'Scarecrow' Lee for this Test. Good thing I'm not a selector, huh?

OTOH, I would have had Stuart 'Don't Call Me Michael' Clark in the side from the First Test. So I'm not a complete fool.

Return of the Scarecrow

2009-08-18T09:41:00.003+10:00

Supercoach Tim Nielsen has suggested that Brett 'Scarecrow' Lee might make a stunning return for the fifth, final, Ashes-deciding Test. Why?

Well, because Australia only need a draw to retain the Ashes and so plan to stack their batting and, according to recent research, the Scarecrow is the eight-best lower order batsman of all time.

Number one?

Mitchell's Johnson - the Bradman of tail-enders.

What do you make of that, Team Lower Order Batting Coach Bratich?

Exactly.

Not Good Enough, Stu

2009-08-13T12:07:00.002+10:00

So Andrew Hilditch has explained that Stuart 'Don't Call Me Michael' Clark is no certainty to play in the deciding Ashes Test, with the other three quicks (Mitchell's Johnson, Peter Siddle In The Middle and The House of Hilf) all ranked above him. Why? He explains in this article:

"Although they've probably taken a bit of time to hit their straps, the reality is all three are now the leading wicket-takers in the Ashes, so I think all those selections have been absolutely spot-on," Hilditch said.

So, y'see, Stuey. If you'd just taken 16 wickets in the Fourth Test, you'd have a chance of being ranked a little higher. Lift your game, Stu.

England v Australia, Fourth Test, Day Two

2009-08-09T15:49:00.003+10:00

England v Australia, 3rdd Innings, Headingley, Day Two, Stumps

England 102 & 82/5
Australia 445

England 2nd Innings

Johann Strauss lbw The House of Hilf 32

Captain Cook c Has-Been Haddin b Mitchell's Johnson 30

The Big Bopara lbw The House of Hilf 0

Ding Dong Bell c Little Captain Punter b Mitchell's Johnson 3

Paul Collingwood, MBE lbw Mitchell's Johnson 4

James Christian Anderson not out 0

Matt 'Richard' Prior not out 4

Extras (lb 3, nb 6) 9

Total (5 wickets, 32 overs) 82

Let's assume that Little Captain Punter fails to bollocks this up and that the Australians go to the final Test 1-1. Foolish, perhaps, to underestimate the Australian captain. But I'm in a foolish mood.

Presumably there will be much joy from the Aussies in keeping the series alive for the final Test. But not from me. Because, let me remind you once more, Little Captain Punter. If you'd used your attack properly in Cardiff, the Ashes would be over, man. Your team would be 2-1 up and that would be emphatically that.

This is not a triumph. This is just a grim reminder of previous foolishness.

England v Australia, Fourth Test, Day One

2009-08-08T10:09:00.003+10:00

England v Australia, 2nd Innings, Headingley, Day One, Stumps

England 102
Australia 196/4

Australia 1st Innings

Cryin' Shane Watson lbw Mr Lily Allen 51
Simon 'Handbrake' Katich c The Big Bopara b Harmison 0
Little Captain Punter lbw Broad 78
Mr Cricket lbw Broad 10
Michael 'Pupshark' Clarke not out 34
Magnetic Marcus North not out 7

Extras (b 9, lb 3, w 2, nb 2) 16

Total (47 overs, 4 wickets) 196

Wow! The 90's Poms are back. And not a moment too soon. But, seeing as we still have the '09 Aussies, the game's not over yet.

Clearest sign we are no longer witnessing the great Australian teams of the past: Little Captain Punter giving Johann Strauss permission to delay the toss by ten minutes so they could check on the back of Matt 'Richard' Prior. In the old days, the Aussies would have denied permission and if the Poms complained, saying 'but we let you replace Haddin last game', there would have been laughing and snickering and 'aren't you guys idiots, then?'.

Remember, Little Captain Punter. The entire cricketing world thinks the Australian cricket team are the world's biggest douchebags. There's no point trying to prove otherwise. Make the most of it, man!

Bonus Question of the Day: How on Earth will the selectors justify not selecting Stuart 'Don't Call Me Michael' Clark for the first three Tests of the series? Show your working.

England v Australia, Day Four

2009-08-03T10:21:00.002+10:00

England v Australia, 3rd Innings, Edgbaston, Day Four, Stumps

Australia 263 & 88/2
England 376

Australia 2nd Innings

Cryin' Shane Watson not out 34
Simon 'Handbrake' Katich c Richard Prior b The Ghost of Onions 26
Little Captain Punter b The Ugly Duckling 5
Mr Cricket not out 18

Extras (b 4, nb 1) 5

Total (2 wickets, 28 overs) 88

After the rest day yesterday, it would take a complete, colossal breakdown on the Australian batsmen's part for the Poms to win.

So, expect the English lads to knock off the required runs shortly after tea.

England v Australia, Third Test, Day Two

2009-08-01T13:50:00.002+10:00

England v Australia, 2nd Innings, Edgbaston, Day Two, Stumps

Australia 263
England 116/2

England 1st Innings

Andrew 'Johann' Strauss not out 64
Captain Alastair Cook c Nanoo Manou b Siddle In The Middle 0
The Big Bopara b The House of Hilf 23
Ding Dong Bell not out 26

Extras (lb 1, nb 2) 3

Total (36 overs, 2 wickets) 116

Looks like the Poms took yesterday's advice, throwing the ball to The Ghost of Graham Onions. That worked well for them.

So today's advice for the Aussies is this - build a time machine, go back to Cardiff and finish the Poms off. Because at 1-1, the threat of washouts of the next couple of Tests is no biggie. At 1-0 down, we're firmly in Ashes '05 territory.

England v Australia, Third Test, Day One

2009-07-31T18:23:00.003+10:00

England v Australia, 1st Innings, Edgbaston, Day One, Stumps

Australia 126/1

Australia 1st Innings

Cryin' Shane Watson not out 62
Simon 'Handbrake' Katich lbw The Ugly Duckling 46
Little Captain Punter not out 17

Extras (lb 1) 1

Total (1 wicket, 30 overs) 126

The Ugly Duckling has admitted that the England bowling squad don't know how to bowl to Cryin' Shane Watson. May I suggest opening the second day's bowilng with a ghost?

Why Ricky Ponting is the anti-Steve Waugh

2009-07-28T08:48:00.003+10:00

There are two ways one can be an awesome captain of a cricketing side:

You can be a tactician
You can be a strategist

I shall elaborate, because, heck, it ain't much of a post if I end it there.

A tactician is somebody who wields his captaincy skills within the game. A brilliant bowling change. A challenging declaration. An unexpected reshuffling of the batting order. A tactical captain excels in these areas.

A strategist wields his captaincy skills outside the game. A strategist inspires his players. He brings out the very best in them (for, unlike the rest of us, it is not enough for professional athletes to do their jobs simply because they are being paid lots of money. No, they must be in the right headspace to perform. This is why there are sports psychologists, but not, y'know, accountant psychologists). A strategist will talk his players up. Will talk the opposition down. Will bond the team. His players will follow him everywhere and play at their peak.

A captain can, of course, blend these abilities, but such an uber-god is rare. Generally, the great captains excel primarily in one area or the other.

Of Australia's pre-Ponting captains, Mark Taylor was a tactician. Steve Waugh was a strategist.

Little Captain Punter is, alas, neither.

We've already seen how he falls apart in the tactician stakes - see Cardiff two Tests ago and the decision to bowl Mitchell's Johnson long after he'd fallen to pieces. Or give Magnetic Marcus North the final few overs at the last batsmen in, while leaving The House of Hilf standing in the outfield, picking his nose. This is one of many examples. No, Little Captain Punter is no tactician.

But he's no strategist, either. He doesn't bring out the best in his players. In fact, he brings out the very worst. Would Steve Waugh have put up with Johnson's bowling performances so far? Would he have put up with Dizzy Gillespie's in 2005? You can argue that Little Captain Punter has a weaker team than Steve Waugh did, but that's wrong on two counts:

Before Steve Waugh wielded his 'I believe in you' mojo, most people considered Matt 'The Pillock' Hayden's game unsuitable for Test cricket. Similarly, for Justin 'The Gnome' Langer. Steve Waugh didn't inherit a team of greats - he built a team of greats (or 8/11 of it, anyway, I'll return to Warne, McGrath and Gilchrist in point 2). Little Captain Punter is building a team of grapefruits.
The three exceptions alluded to above are Warne, McGrath and Gilchrist who would all make Australia's greatest team ever. Any captain with those three in it has an advantage he can't possibly claim credit for. And yet Taylor, Waugh and Ponting had all three of them at some point in their captaincy. (Okay, Taylor didn't have Gilchrist - but he did have Steve Waugh himself in the peak of his batting career. And what people may not remember is this - when Steve Waugh was at his batting peak in the mid-90's, he was officially rated a better batsman than Lara and Tendulkar, two undeniable all-time greats. A Steve Waugh at his batting peak just about balances out a lack of a Gilchrist)

So the three captains are just about comparable over the time period when those champion players were available. And what did they do? Taylor dragged Australia to the top of the Test-playing tree. Waugh built a team that ruthlessly crushed just about everything that confronted it (exception: those plucky Indians), in the process, making himself obsolete (not much point being known as the batsman who comes to the rescue at 50/3 once you build a team that tends to lose its third wicket at 300-odd. It's no coincidence that Steve Waugh's career-saving innings at Sydney came about when the team suffered a rare top-order collapse).

And what did Little Captain Punter do when he had those three champions in his team? Why, he went to England and couldn't inspire them sufficiently to retain the Ashes. It wasn't a lack of ability that cost the Ashes - that was shown fifteen months later when, pissed off and self-motivated, they got their shit together and crushed the Poms 5-0. Yes, there are other factors. The strength of the England team on the two occasions and the home ground advantage being the main two. But they don't explain such an enormous turnaround.

Steve Waugh inspired good (but obviously idiotic) players to want to run through brick walls for him and, in the process, they became near-great players. He inspired his great players to crush anybody who dared face them and only the occasional superhuman individual performances could stop them.

Little Captain Punter inspires his good players to descend into shadows of their former selves. And the only way he could get his great players into 'crush the opposition' mode was by leading them to a humiliating defeat.

That's why Little Captain Punter is no strategist, neither.

And that's why Little Captain Punter is the anti-Steve Waugh.

What's The Problem?

2009-07-23T12:08:00.003+10:00

So much cricketing goodness - so few cricket blogs.

First things first, KP's out of the rest of the Ashes series. Nobody seems to know what to make of this, whether it's good news or whether it's bad news. So I shan't bother to try either. But if was forced to ask, I reckon he's just afeared of becoming Nathan 'Ho' Hautitz's bunny. And, honestly, who wouldn't be?

The next most important thing is the cause of the Australian team's failings. Here are some theories:

Cryin' Shane Watson thinks it's because the Aussies aren't allowed to sledge. That's certainly an issue, but might be taken more seriously if it wasn't coming from a man afraid of ghosts.
Swine flu!! Travelling journalists have the disease. How many cricketers do too??
Mitchell Johnson's wrist! Geoff Lawson doesn't like its angle. Oh, Henry, of all the protractor-wielders out there, you'd be the first I'd turn to.

Here's what's not to blame:

Mitch's mum. Honestly. She said so. But she still hates his 'whore of a fiancee'.

But enough of all those problems and my attempts to solve them. Let's hear from a real expert on the subject:

Ricky Ponting's Shame File

2009-07-21T12:34:00.002+10:00

As uber-accurately predicted yesterday, the Poms wrapped up the match around lunchtime yesterday.

But we hold back my promised thesis on Little Captain Punter as the anti-Steve Waugh to present, via email, a loyal blog reader's well-researched Ricky Ponting Shame File:

"Punter notches another impressive record to his belt. The first Australian to lose a test at Lords since 1408. It's quite the highlight reel:
First one day loss to Bangles
Almost first Test defeat to Bangles until a Dizzy double ton saved the day
First Ashes series loss in 20 years (that's 2005, coming soon... the sequel: Ashes 2009 - Just when you thought it was safe to sledge the Poms)
Worst coin toss decision in the history of cricket (again, 2005 Ashes... Now, let's see, the best fast bowler in the world has just been ruled out at the last minute, how can I restore order to my bowling line-up...)
Highest one-day innings of all time (record held for about 4 hours)
Highest one-day innings conceded of all time
Helped Mick Lewis achieve similar stats in the bowling arena
Best hissy fit ever at 2005 Ashes series (followed by 2006-7, 2009 series)
Fastest exit from a Twenty20 tournament
I'm sure there's others in there and the list continues to grow..."

Shame, Little Captain Punter, shame. I'd put the Eyes of Katich in here to condemn thee, but it barely seems adequate.

England v Australia, 2nd Test, Day Four

2009-07-20T10:34:00.002+10:00

England v Australia, 4th Innings, Lords, Day Four, Stumps

England 425 & 311/6d
Australia 215 & 313/5

Australia 2nd Innings

Flashy Phil Hughes c Johann Strauss b Fred 17

Simon 'Handbrake' Katich c KP b Fred 6

Little Captain Punter b Broad 38

Mr Cricket c Paul Collingwood MBE, b The Ugly Duckling 27

Pupshark not out 125

Magnetic Marcus North b The Ugly Duckling 6

Has-Been Haddin not out 80

Extras (b 4, lb 6, nb 4) 14

Total (5 wickets, 86 overs) 313

Hey, remember when Mr Cricket averaged 80-odd?

No. Me neither.

A bit of talk of Australia having a sniff of victory. But, no. Sometime around lunch tomorrow, the Poms will take a 1-0 lead and at that point, I will offer my thesis on why Little Captain Punter is the anti-Steve Waugh.

England v Australia, Second Test, Day Three

2009-07-19T14:46:00.004+10:00

England v Australia, 3rd Innings, Lords, Day Three, Stumps

England 425 & 311/6
Australia 215

England 2nd Innings

Johann Strauss c Pupshark b Ho Hauritz 32
Captain Cook lbw b Ho Hauritz 32
The Big Bopara c Simon 'Handbrake' Katich b Ho Hauritz 27
KP c Has-Been Haddin b Siddle in the Middle 44
Sir Paul Collingwood c Has-Been Haddin b Siddle in the Middle 54

Richard Prior run out 30
Fred not out 30

Extras (b 16, lb 9, w 1, nb 5) 31

Total (6 wickets, 71.2 overs) 311

Well, my second option yesterday as to how the fundamental forces of nature would prevent the cosmic inconsistency of a Lords defeat to Australia was 'inept England captaincy'.

So, thanks, Johann Strauss for enforcing the follow-on. That certainly qualifies. MIghtn't save the Aussies on its own, but heck, it certainly helps.

What did you think of the England skipper's decision to make the Aussies bat again, Team Taking The Foot Off The Throat Specialist Jessica Bratich?

Perfectly analysed as ever.

England v Australia, Second Test, Day Two

2009-07-18T10:24:00.003+10:00

England v Australia, 2nd Innings, Lords, Day Two, Stumps

England 425
Australia 156/8

Australia 1st Innings

Flashy Phil Hughes c Richard Prior b Hans Christian Anderson 4
Simon 'Handbrake' Katich c Broad b Cheese & Onions 48
Little Captain Punter c Johann Strauss b Hans Christian Anderson 2

Mr Cricket b Fred 51

Pupshark c Captain Cook b Hans Christian Anderson 1

Magnetic Marcus North b Hans Christian Anderson 0

Has-Been Haddin c Captain Cook b Broad 28

Mitchell's Johnson c Captain Cook b Broad 4

Ho Hauritz not out 3

Peter Siddle In The Middle not out 3

Extras (b 4, lb 6, nb 2) 12

Total (8 wickets, 49 overs) 156

So, y'see, Little Captain Punter. This is why, when you're on top in a Test (eg the previous one), you don't fart-arse about with Magnetic Marcus North and the waywardness of Mitchell's Johnson. You win the goddamn game. Because it's too much to expect your useless batting lineup to perform for two innings in a row.

Luckily, it's scientifically proven that Australia can't lose at Lords. So I expect that Australia will be saved by either (in decreasing order of likelihood) a) rain, b) inept England captaincy, c) a brilliant lower order counter attack by Ho, Siddle in the Middle and The House of Hilf, d) killer bees.

Andrew Flintoff Retires

2009-07-16T11:24:00.003+10:00

You probably haven't heard about this since it's been kept totally hush-hush, but apparently Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff will retire after the Ashes series.

Does this mean that Flintoff wannabe Cryin' Shane Watson will follow his idol's lead?

Fingers wholeheartedly crossed.