Drinks, Dinners and D-bags: Tales of a Waitress

April WHAT?!

2011-04-03T22:51:00.000-07:00

Some April Fools' jokes/pranks are just inappropriate. Let me give you an example.

You should never lie about it being [insert name]'s birthday while they are in the bathroom and then allow your waitress to bring them a free dessert.

Why?

Because then that person will look confused and say, "It's not my birthday..."

Following this occurrence, you should never laugh and explain to your waitress that you were playing an April Fools' joke, then proceed to tip 10% after she does not charge you for the darn dessert.

I am still trying to find the humor in this one...

I'll Show You Filthy

2011-03-26T16:32:00.000-07:00

After I brought a couple their appetizer plates, the woman pointed to a teeny tiny itty bitty little speck of pepper on her plate and exclaimed,

"This plate is filthy, can you please get me a new one?"

I smiled and said,

"Sure!"

Then I went back to the kitchen, flicked the speck off the plate, and brought it back to the woman.

"Thank you, that is much cleaner."

"Oh you are very welcome!"

Brought to Tears

2011-03-04T21:05:00.000-08:00

At 10:15 this evening, two women came in to eat and rang up a bill of $134.56. I had to stay an extra hourish to take care of them in an otherwise empty restaurant. They left me $10.

With that being said, I will now be going to cry myself to sleep.

Zzzz

2011-02-28T18:24:00.000-08:00

When it's 4PM and the restaurant is empty for over an hour, I could curl up and nap for a good hour in one of these:

Until some couple RUDELY decides to come in at 4:38PM to take advantage of happy hour. Not that that's ever happened. I would never sleep on the job...

Empty Promises

2011-02-20T19:32:00.000-08:00

Very attractive (and probably rich) 21-year-old couple walks in at 8:30 tonight. They see the restaurant is empty and that we close at 9 so they tell me that they will eat quick and "make it worth my while."

Bill: $37.92
Tip: $7.00

Ok granted, it's not a horrible tip but it didn't make it worth my while. I was looking forward to at least $10! The real kicker is that he was paying with mommy's credit card. Unless his name was Patricia that is.

This Is a Family Friendly Restaurant

2011-02-19T13:57:00.000-08:00

I'll admit that I am prone to slightly exaggerate some of these stories I tell. This one however, does not require any form of exaggeration in order to make it a better read. Ready for this?

A dad and his daughter walked in at 2 today. My guess was that he was around 45 or 50 and she had to be in her early 20s.

Their waitress went to get their orders and we quickly learned that they were not dad and daughter (at least I certainly hope not). They played tonsil hockey for their entire stay and I'm pretty sure we saw her hand get a little too friendly with his (ahem) manhood...

...in the middle of the day...

...smack dab in the middle of the restaurant in plain view of everyone...

...sober...

...with kids at neighboring tables.

I promise. This really did happen.

Big Fibbers

2011-02-15T18:13:00.000-08:00

People order appetizer.

Waitress A brings people appetizer.

People finish appetizer.

Waitress A clears people's appetizer plate.

Waitress B sees new appetizer in food window and sees order for Waitress A's people.

Waitress B brings appetizer to people and asks people if they had their appetizer yet.

People say no.

Waitress B leaves second appetizer with people.

Waitress A tells waitress B that people did indeed already have their appetizer.

Waitress B takes appetizer back.

Waitress A and Waitress B eat extra appetizer themselves and talk about what dirty stinkin liars people are.

I Did Pass 2nd Grade Math

2011-02-13T13:00:00.000-08:00

You might think that by writing,

Amount: 92.67

Tip: _____

Total: 100.00

instead of,

Amount: 92.67

Tip: 7.33

Total: 100.00

it makes it look like you're tipping more. It doesn't. Just because I wait tables doesn't mean I can't add/subtract. The $100 amount only looks nice if your bill was originally around $83.

It's Like Saying Your Spaghetti Is Mostly Pasta

2011-02-12T20:27:00.000-08:00

Best (worst?) comment card of the night:

Not a fan of the salad. It was mostly lettuce.

...no words.

What I'm Really Thinking

2011-02-07T19:31:00.000-08:00

What I say vs.

What I'm thinking...

I love the linguini and clam sauce! It's one of my favorite dishes.

I would rather work three doubles in a row than eat that dish.

Would you like your coke to go?

I'm kissing up for a 20% tip. Please don't disappoint me.

Would you like me to get your child some crayons?

Make. the. kid. stop. screaming.

There's no rush on the check, I'm just leaving it for your convenience.

Of course there is a rush on the check! Can't you see that line of people at the door?

Sigh, just once I would love to speak my mind. Just once.

H2O Overload

2011-02-03T10:39:00.000-08:00

Last Saturday I had a table of seven for lunch. Two old women arrived before everyone else and when I asked if I could get them something to drink, they ordered waters for everyone at the table. Do you see where this is going?

The other five people arrived and ordered sodas. So five of those waters sat there untouched the entire time.

Waste of cups, ice, water, straws, and lemons.

Never assume that your friends/family want to drink water before they arrive. Feel free to assume that they want a $10 martini or a $7 beer however.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

2011-01-28T18:56:00.001-08:00

The good: Tonight a man came up to me and handed me $10 as he was leaving because he felt bad that his party had sat at their table for two hours.

The bad: I just got home and realize I smell like Trout.

The ugly: My last table left me Jesus $...

(the back reads: "The million-dollar question: Will you go to heaven?")

Chocolate Death

2011-01-26T11:54:00.000-08:00

It doesn't matter how cute she is, all I can think about is the poor waitress that had to take 5 minutes to make that darn chocolate milk while they had two credit cards to run, a spill on table 16, and hot food in the window.

Something that parents with young children do not realize is that most servers want to strangle their children when they let all 3 or 4 of them order chocolate milks (ok that is a little dramatic).

Unfortunately, most restaurants do not have bottles of chocolate milk available like McDonald's does. Instead, we have to go to the drink station to get a kid's cup, grab the milk and chocolate syrup out of the fridge, find a spoon to mix it all together, and pray that none of the kids order a refill.

If a server ever tells you that they are out of the chocolate syrup to make chocolate milk, they are probably lying because they don't want to make it. And I don't blame them.

You Need a Doctor, Not a Three Course Meal

2011-01-24T19:29:00.000-08:00

Calling all sick people:

Your table ≠ a trash can for your saturated Kleenex

If you are sick, stay home and get well. Don't come in to eat and leave me to clean up a pile of strep/bronchitis/flu/mono infested tissues off of your table.

Making My Day

2011-01-23T22:50:00.000-08:00

They're not all D-bags.

What More Do You Want From Me?

2011-01-21T09:12:00.000-08:00

I am thoroughly convinced that I could...

bring a person 9 refills without ever letting their glass run empty,

give the person a free appetizer that was made by mistake in the kitchen,

offer the person a free dessert when they told me that their entrees were "ok,"

and get down on my hands and knees to crawl under the table and kiss the person's feet when I bring them the check

and they would still tip me 10%.

The nerve.

Do You Have Another Card I Could Try?

2011-01-17T21:06:00.000-08:00

A tip for you gentlemen:

If you are on a first date and you try to impress your date by being a huge douchey, cocky jerk to your waitress, she will embarrass you in front of your date by pretending your credit card was declined.

You've been warned.

Sweet Tooth

2011-01-14T10:58:00.000-08:00

How to get yourself a free dessert at the end of your shift.

1. Suggest the dessert you want to all of your customers until someone gives in and orders it.

2. Cut a piece of the dessert.

3. "Accidentally" smash the piece or cut it crookedly.

3. Wait for your manager to tell you that you can't serve a piece of cake/pie that looks that bad.

4. Nod innocently and cut a nicer piece for the customer.

5. Save the messy piece for your later consumption. Bon appetit!

Appeal to Emotion

2011-01-10T12:57:00.000-08:00

Is it wrong to tell your table (and lie) that you have a major surgery next week or that your boyfriend is leaving for Iraq tomorrow so that they will feel bad for you and tip more?

(No I have never done this and never will. However, I would be really curious to know how much tips would actually increase...)

Dropping Eaves

2011-01-07T13:23:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been having a serious conversation with your significant other when a server starts filling up the salt and pepper shakers at the next table over? Do they start sweeping the floor next to your table when you lower your volume? Do they take their time filling your waters?

Don't have such melodramatic conversations in public and we won't be so inclined to listen in.

Cutting Corners 101

2011-01-03T10:29:00.000-08:00

If a group of 6 comes in at 8:30 PM

and 5 order decaf coffee

while 1 orders regular coffee

and only decaf coffee is made,

I'm going to give everyone decaf coffee

but pretend that 1 is regular

and they will never know the difference.

Starstruck

2010-12-29T11:29:00.000-08:00

During my 21 years I have met a few A to D-listers including George W. Bush. (or as my Political Science professor calls him, "the shrub," get it?), Eric Estrada, Mike Huckabee and the Peasall Sisters.

I have only waited on one "celeb" in my 8 years in the restaurant business. Ready for this? The one and the only:

Michael W. Smith

Yep, I'm talking about the guy who I used to think was a hottie in 4th grade (never mind the 32-year age gap) and who shared his glory days with other hip Christian artists like Amy Grant and dc Talk ("Jesus Freak" anyone?).

Fortunately he tipped like Johnny Depp and not like Oprah. Thank you Mr. Smith, for breaking the "Christian family" tipping stereotype.

Please Don't Make Me Roll Another

2010-12-27T19:31:00.000-08:00

Last night I had a nightmare that ended when I suffocated under a pile of silverware rolls...

Never take that roll of silverware at your table for granted. Some waiter or waitress had to stay 47 minutes after their shift to roll a mountain of those while getting paid $2.13 an hour. You might think it sounds easy but consider getting 20 minutes in and realizing that you forgot a fork in every roll or accidentally knocking the whole stack onto the floor.

Better think twice before you ask for a second set of silverware next time you eat out.

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-23T19:54:00.000-08:00

I know I do a lot of griping on this blog but it's probably because I have one of the "Top Ten Most Depressing Jobs in America."
(Interesting report and it's a quick read!)

Though everything the report says is true, I have to admit that I do love waiting tables during the holidays. People are always more happy and generous which = a fun work environment and better tips. Last year I had my record tip night on New Year's Eve. One table this week made my day when they left a $20 tip on their $40 bill and wrote, "Enjoy your holiday!" on their comment card. Another waitress received $100 in a Christmas card from one of her regulars last week. It's not the money that makes me enjoy my job this time of year (though it helps), it's the genuine good moods and generosity that accompany the holiday spirit.

Thank you to all of you who help make a waitress's Christmas just a little merrier this year! :)

2010-12-18T21:41:00.000-08:00