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An NC-17 Trip to the Zoo

Thu, 27 Dec 2007 02:07:20 +0100

Kip and LaFawnduh 15 Years Ago

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 02:43:31 +0100

Enjoy.

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nick arcade, lafawnduh, napoleon dynamite

IPA in Illinois: Family Reunions Gone Wrong

Mon, 08 Oct 2007 12:27:38 +0100

I went to a family reunion last month. I'd not been particularly excited about the venture to begin with, but when it turned into an adventure in business class international travel, forced alcohol consumption and discovering that I'm a disappointment to my entire family... well. It was an interesting weekend.

I guess the international travel was not so unexpected. I am living in Winnipeg, Ontario, but my family lives in Illinois. It's none of their business, but my parents and grandparents love to make disparaging comments about my choice to live in Canada. Their expert analysis is that I am far too liberal to be a part of their family if I choose to live in Canada!

The first and last good thing to happen to me on the trip was being bumped to business class on the way down. I try to eat and drink as much classy booze and food as possible, so as to feel like I've made a profit on the airfare. Yes, that's some sick logic; I know.

So my first experience upon arriving at my grandmother's huge house was having my uncle shove a bottle of IPA in my hand and declare, "Our international contingent is here! This beer's from India, Cait! So you'll like it better than our nasty American stuff!"

"I can see Detroit from my town," I tell him. "It's barely international." But he is not the sort of person who listens to what his nieces, or any female, says, and he is not listening to me. I stare at the IPA. I hate the taste of IPA. It reminds me of stale pee and college bathroom.

My mother, whom I see every second or third weekend when she comes to Winnipeg, has apparently been talking about me and my incomplete college degree to some rather nefarious cousins of mine, who live in California. One of them, the portly and arrogant Bria, accosts me while I'm trying to get rid of the IPA and find some amber or, better still, tequila.

"So you've dropped out of school, huh?" she asks. Bria, who is one year younger than me and is majoring in something fancy-sounding that means nothing more than "business and PR", actually has chocolate on her face. A fat girl with chocolate on her face.

"I'm taking some time off, yeah," I say. She nods with these raised eyebrows and the chocolate cracks slightly. It's been there for a while.

"You know, everyone associates having no college degree with failure nowadays," she says. "You should really think about re-enrolling."

"I can't see why not finishing a college degree implies failure," I retort, even though I know I shouldn't. Why should I argue with a girl whose GPA is probably about half of mine and who has probably drunk at least six bottles of nasty-ass IPA in the past 90 minutes?

"There are plenty of successful people who don't have degrees," I continue, while my brain yells, STOP! "I mean, if I were to get a degree in something pointless and spend the rest of my life working in a retail store because I have no real skills, how is that better than working from the age of 17 and developing a real career?" Bria probably catches the fact that I'm referring to her job as a sales chick at the Buckle.

"Well, put it this way," she begins. "Your parents sent you to a private school. A really expensive private school. You were there for three years and it cost a shit-ton. Which you'll have to pay off. How to you expect to make a profit on that investment without the degree to show for it?"

And there in lies half the problem – Bria is jealous because I went to a "name" school and she didn't. And it's not even like I enjoyed going there or respected its snobbery. She'd integrated her hatred for my unfished degree, my name-school and her basic awfulness into one lame attempt at insulting me. I'm not surprised to hear this from her, because my equally evil aunts say the same things and she's integrated all of their bullshit into her own rhetoric.

"You're probably right, Bria," I say. "I'm a hugio failure with no future. By the way, sunshine. You have some food on your face."

By this time, I'd drunk about two thirds of the IPA. My taste-buds were dying. Later, I heard much the same thing from another cousin, but she wanted to know why I'd not enrolled in college in Canada when I'd moved up there. Um, becuase I don't want to go to college anymore!

Why must family reunions suck so much? There was aproximately nothing good to come of the entire weekend. And they wonder why I choose to live across an international border from them!

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families, ipa, international travel

Dreaming Of Change...Or Consistency.

Thu, 27 Sep 2007 22:09:20 +0100

Have you ever noticed in dreams...whether you are falling and right before you hit you wake up... or you get shot and are dying... murdered... anything...y ou never actually die? Whether it be because we have never expierenced death and therefore can't subconciously expierence it, or it due to the lack of something to base it on, we never fully reach the dream's destination. Or for example... when you are miserably sick. You lay there wanting to die and you think if i can just get well and back to normal I will appreciate it everyday... and then a few days later you are back on your feet, complaining about how you have a headache or sore muscles.

The point is that we never really reach our goal do we? As humans, we have the tendency to underappreciate most of what we have, and then when its gone, we "learn our lesson" and appreciate what we no longer have so much more. But how many people actually change? How many return to everyday living and wake up and think today is wonderful because I am well? As in death dreams, we never fully get there. We can get pretty close, but we never fully die...or change our views. Whether it be in politics, or just as individuals...we need a new way to progress. The only thing that is consistent is that there is no consistency. Redundant but true. So I think its time for everyone to wake up and figure out a way to actually help America and ourselves progress and not go back to our old ways... and not go back to bed.

Is Kanye West Onto Something?

Wed, 12 Sep 2007 11:50:57 +0100

After watching a confused and poorly prepared Britney Spears open up MTV's Video Music Awards Monday, Kanye West decided enough was enough, it was time to drop some bombs. The outspoke rap star quickly accused the multinational music conglomorate of artist exploitation.

"Man, they were just trying to get ratings," West declared. "They knew she wasn't ready and they exploited her. They exploited her, they played me and I really don't mess with MTV."

By insinuating artist exploitation by a giant media machine West, visibly shaken after viewing the performance, has opened a new dialog on whether or not music corporations are in it for the profit or for the love. His words carry some weight as the rapper, known for his college level intellect, has previously exposed some women as "golddiggers" and President Bush as an compassionless opportunist. His harsh words may be hard for a troubling industry to shake off.

"Look, the music business isn't doing well at all," said Morgan James, a music industry expert. "That's no secret and the last thing it needs is someone like Kanye accusing it of exploitation and duplicity. The fact is he's a sharp kid. He went to college. You can't get anything past him. He sees things other people don't see and that's what makes him a great."

West seemed personally troubled by the implications of his accusation.

"Hell, now that I think of it, this may be just the tip of the iceberg. Maybe its bigger than MTV. Maybe the Grammys are crap too."

West's strong words hit home on a music industry still recovering from on-line song trading, the break-up of N'Sync, and the release of Ashley Simpson's debut album "Autobiography." His views also come at a time when artist exploitation is a concern of many Americans.

"You may not want to know this but the music industry really doesn't care about artists. All they want is another album. There, I've said it. Oh, sure, it all looks like sugar plums and moon pies on the outside, but this can be a cold, heartless business, which views artists as a commodity and keeps them complacent by drugs, sex, and attention. I know, I know. Once again I've shocked you."

West, who threw a wide-ranging tantrum backstage, also lashed out at Justin Timberlake, Nelly, God, the Bill of Rights, Islamofascim, the Jewish lobby, gravity, and Billy Crystal.

"While I'm at it I'm also going to say that most, no, wait, all corporations are probably motivated by greed," West went on. "Maybe this should be investigated? MTV is just another corporation exploiting its artists who in-turn make their living off exploiting gender roles and base ignorance. It's a vicious cycle."

West quickly turned his attention to wider issues.

"I'm going to drop a realm bomb here. Those presidential candidates who say they feel your pain? They're just saying that, see, so you'll vote for them. Are you getting all this down? And Big Oil doesn't want higher fuel efficency standards because they'll lose money. And it's in the government's best interest to keep you scared and keep education funding low. Are you hearing this?"

Then, West, wrapped in a dark gray mink coat on the unusually cold Las Vegas morning went quiet for a moment.

"This was a real wake-up call for me," he said. "I've got to go sit in my gold plated hot tub and think long and hard about these things. Perhaps I've been exploited, and perhaps I've been doing some exploiting of my own. You see? That's deep. But I've learned one thing: there's more to being a rapper than being completely establishment and freaking out over who wins what award and who opens on the main stage. It's not about that. No, it's not even about having a hot, young, sexy thing in my bed every night of the week. It's not about me, or my health, or my custom built, Italian sports car. It's about the goddamn music. Respect it."

West's latest album "Graduation," released September 11, including the hit song "Drunk and Hot Girls" featuring Mos Def, is available now, everywhere for $13.98.

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Kanye West

The Evolution of Horror (1978-2007)

Mon, 03 Sep 2007 02:43:36 +0100

This weekend I went to see the remake of Halloween and the movie got me to thinking. It wasn't the profoundly inept movie which spurred my thinking but the content. You see, Halloween was something I hadn't seen in quite a while. It was a slasher. It surprised me when I thought about it. Looking back over the past several years I realized how the genre of horror had shifted beneath my feet. Gone were the juggernauts of Jason, Freddy, and others. What has arisen it their place is quite telling of modern Western culture.

I'm not ashamed to say I am a horror afficionado. I was virtually raised on horror movies throughout my childhood up to the present day so I can claim to have a background in the field. That being said, after watching a fair share of horror movies throughout my youth, I've seen the trends in that genre shift throughout the years from slasher to self-parody and finally into the equivalent of torture porn. It got me to thinking about the causes of this gradual shift over the past three decades about how events affect culture in profound if subtle ways. Studying civilization through the seventies, eighties, nineties, and into the new millennium the drift made perfect sense.

The current crop of so called "torture porn" films is to be expected. A situation like that shown in the phenomenally popular "Hostel" and "Saw" franchises is a reaction to stresses of the world.

The prevalence of the Slasher genre in the 80's is often seen as a reflection of the societal backlash from the sexually open hippy era to a point where sex was again something to be feared. The slasher, reinforcing these values was a creation of cold war paranoia. Freddy, Jason and Michael were just manifestations of the seemingly indestructible force of communism—a monolithic beast ready to destroy the All-American kids and take away the future of an entire generation. In the slasher films the enemy was clear and the motivation was simple because America knew "they" were the bad guys and we were the good guys. Things were clear cut and there was a linear path between problem and solution. That is no longer the case.

The 90's saw the rise of self-parody in horror with the advent of "Scream", "I Know What You Did Last Summer", and others. With the end of the Cold War and America adrift trying to find its place, horror revealed a joking mockery for a system it knew no longer existed but simply couldn't let go of. The killers became jokes, apparent threats who really were paper tigers, much like how the Soviet Union had appeared a mortal threat, an unbeatable killing machine, but in the end was revelaed to be an exhausted, ludicrously pathetic creation which was inept, plodding, and too predictable in action. The self-parody of the 90's was a rejection of the old rules as America liberalized, a mocking nostalgia for simpler times which simply didn't fit in an increasingly gray world as black and white merged.

Today, we have been weaned on paranoia. Anyone could be a "sleeper-cell" hiding in our neighborhood. Anyone we pass on the street could be planning to make some homemade explosive and put it in his or her shoe. The enemy is no longer a nation. No longer some clear cut "Them" whom we can gather together to hate. We have been taught that the Muslim faith is not the enemy (while simultaneously told that it more or less is) and that we cannot possibly try to fight a war against the religion.

So what are we left with? "Saw" and "Hostel" and "Turistas" especially all deal with this problem. Where once the teenagers who had committed some sin would be punished while the sober virgin would survive now the victim is most often a completely innocent person. Also, the murder is not its own end any longer, the torture that comes first more than the inevitable final blow is the focus. Terrorism works this same way. It is not the number of people killed, it is the fear this instills in those still alive.

It is important to note the prevalence of the idea of games in these films. From an outside perspective, there is a sort of art and beauty to the simplicity of the 9/11 attacks. The most effective moments in the "Saw" films recreate this effect. Basic tools turned against their makers. A child's clay made into a facsimile of a bomb. Box-knives into weapons used to kill thousands. A videogame as instruction. All of these become puzzle-pieces to the twisted games of the madmen on screen in these "torture" films.

And the monster is no longer some giant demon, a beast bent on consuming the world. He is smarter than you, and in the case of Jigsaw and the Doctor in "Turistas" he is going to literally convert you to his way of thinking.

To ignore the messages of a film like "Turistas" or any of the other torture based horror films is to ignore what could well be the central problem of our modern world. Horror films are one of the most telling signs of what a society is grappling with at any given moment, even as, or perhaps because, they are rarely appreciated until generations later. "Turistas" is the latest entry into the torture horror subgenre. However, unlike its predecessors, this film seems almost uninteresting in its' gory bits. There is a feeling of an adventure chase film from the 80's with organ removal added onto it. Like many similar films, "Turistas" starts off with some somewhat developed main characters traveling abroad and finding their way into what amounts to a Venus fly trap. Here, the twenty-somethings are Caucasian tourists in Brazil who are abducted by an evil doctor who wants to take their organs so that they can "give back" to the country they are taking so much from. When this film was released there was some talk of it being racist or unfair to Brazilians. But to interpret the film in this manner would be to deeply undersell its point. Ultimately, this is a film about xenophobia. Brazil is used as a sort of shorthand for the protagonists eroticizing foreign culture while extolling their own ethnocentrism and assuming that the locals will just do whatever is requested because of the European nation's dominance in South America. One man sleeps with a woman presuming she must want him because he is a foreigner and is shocked to discover that she is a prostitute and wanted him for his money. The underlying irony is that in either situation, her agenda is identical. It is also worth noting that only one of the main characters even bothered to learn Portuguese, while the others continually yell in broken Spanish, unaware of their own idiocy.

"Turistas" deals with deep seeded issues of disenfranchisement and subjugation. The organs taken from the youths are little more than extensions of Shylock's demand for a pound of flesh. The Brazilian characters are almost never subtitled and most of the discomfort and terror that an audience is likely to feel results from our collective ignorance of foreign cultures. The assumption that people outside of our own circle of European white culture are somehow less civilized or boorish is played off of to great effect. Our own ethnocentrism is challenged with the character of "Kiko" who is at first played for comic relief because of his fractured English. He seems almost slow or "special" if you will. As the story progresses however, he is shown to be the moral center of the feature, choosing to protect the protagonists from a fate too terrible for words.

Horror movies are literally a parable of the times we live in. More and more they have deviated from morality plays to the realistic portrayal of the darkness within ourselves. No longer is evil perceived as deviance, the murderer some psycho of demonic origin who kills simply to kill. Now the evil is our own nature, our own need to feel in a world whose very stresses have numbed us to the point that we would do anything, anything, to simply feel. Evolution, even in horror movies, is inevitable.

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horror, slasher, parody, torture, hostel, halloween, cold war, saw, scream, terrorism

Drugs: Easier than Calculus

Wed, 29 Aug 2007 12:05:00 +0100

I recently viewed on the television an "anti-youth drug use" (or something like that) commercial advertisement wherein a posh, pretty teenage girl is confronted by her dog, who tells her that he wishes she "didn't smoke weed" because he "misses his friend." Now let me state, for the record, that I have used marijuana in the past, and my dog did not speak to me. Nor has anyone with whom I am acquainted, to my knowledge, experienced a communique from an animal while using marijuana. Not in English, anyway. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that drug usage doesn't lead to hallucination; in fact this is quite often the case.

However, the amount of hallucinogenics normally required to experience lucid conversation with a house pet is probably significantly higher than the amount of pot smoked by your average high-school junior cheerleader. In contrast, many individuals take medications for various mental disorders, symptoms of which may be visual and auditory hallucinations. If these medications are not taken in the correct dosage, the individual may exhibit these symptoms. In any case, if you experience a talking dog, or cat, or goldfish, or any other non-human companion you may have, it probably means you are taking too much crystal meth, or not enough Thorazine, or possibly both. The fact is, your drug intake is not right where it should be. If we can find this drug balance as a society, then perhaps we can finally rid ourselves of these stupid commercials.

Hey, Bartender...

Tue, 28 Aug 2007 17:24:22 +0100

As a former bartender, I know the strains and perils of having someone's drink order in your hands. I know that sometimes, you have to play God and make life-threatening decisions based on what type of glass to serve a cosmo in. I mean, do you serve it in a martini glass or a cocktail glass? I too have been put in situations that require the razor-sharp mind and steady hand of an experienced bartender. I know, brother. I know.

My question to you is not about your ability or technique. My question is about your attitude. I remember having bad nights behind the bar. I've been stiffed by the drunk chick who just puked in the sink. Those were the nights that we as bartenders grit our teeth and press on into the night. Sometimes, it's tough to be the super-witty, pistol-winking, wise-cracking bartender that everyone loves, but you have to keep a united front and fight through the pain. Tips, man. Do it for the tips. The only thing worse than having a bad night is having a bad night and not making any money.

You, on the other hand have chosen a different road. Everytime I walk in, be it for a morning mimosa or late night cocktail, I am reminded of what a colossal asswipe you are. I go there for the beach front view and cheap drinks, but every time I interact with you I am reminded, "Oh, yeah. This guy is a complete prick. I forgot."

What's your angle, man? Do you hate your job? Quit. I can't imagine you make any money when you treat the customers like shit. You should join the police academy or something. That way you could enjoy your dick-headed lifestyle without effecting your income. You could probably even crank it up a notch because, hey, you have a gun. Imagine the attitude you could sling at people then!

All i'm saying is, consider your position in society before you decide you're better than everyone else. You make minimum wage and perpetually smell like vomit. How 'bout we kick that attitude down a click?

Illegality Aside: Listen up, Fucktards

Tue, 21 Aug 2007 23:12:41 +0100

Editor's Note: This is a long article and deals with a subject that many Drivl readers appear to be passionate about. Please take the time to read the article in its entirity before commenting, as it contains multiple sections and points.

Immigration reform has been a hot topic for a long time now, and most of us have chosen our sides. However, the propaganda machine still churns out a heavy amount of garbage to undermine and countermand the ideas most of us have already formed. Be wary readers, listeners, and otherwise active talkers; for the wording of propaganda plays a heavy role in our future determinations.

The first move stopping immigration decided by Congress was a law in 1862 restricting American vessels to transport Chinese immigrants to the U.S. The Alien Contract Labor Laws of 1885, 1887, 1888, and 1891 restricted the immigration to the U.S. of people entering the country to work under contracts made before their arrival. Alien skilled laborers, under these laws, were allowed to enter the U.S. to work in new industries. By this time anti-immigrant felling rose with the flood of immigrants and in this period the anti-Catholic, anti-foreign political party the Know-Nothings, was already born.

After World War I, a marked increase in racism and the growth of isolationist sentiment in the U.S. led to demands for furthering the already tight legislation. In 1921 a congressional act provided for a quota system for immigrants, which the number of aliens of any nationality admitted to the U.S. in a year could not exceed 3 percent of the number of foreign-born residents of that nationality living in the U.S. in 1910. This law applied to nations of Europe, the Middle East, Africa, Australia, New Zealand, Asian Russia, and certain islands in the Atlantic and Pacific. In the 1980s concern about the surge of illegal aliens into the U.S. has led Congress to pass legislation aimed at cutting illegal immigration. The Immigration Reform and Control Act of 1986 allows most illegal aliens who have resided in the U.S. regularly since January 1, 1982, to apply for legal status. Also, the law prohibits employers from hiring illegal aliens and mandates penalties for violations.

But that's all boring ass bullshit... who needs to know immigration history to get riled up or become mentally aloof, right?

I was driving home from work one evening and a radio spot aired asking listeners to allow immigrant workers for the economic sake of this nation. It asked the listener to imagine "What if tomorrow there were no immigrant workers", and explained that if this were a reality then national progress would slow to a near stop and that ridding the country of immigrants would cause an unbearable cost of labor to hit businesses in turn causing them to fold, which would cost Americans their job. So far this ad has already misled the listener more than three times. The ad closed with asking the listener to be compassionate and think of their families when considering the possibility of shutting immigrants out.

First, the ad stated "immigrant workers". There is nothing wrong with immigrant workers, as it is the illegal immigrant workers that we want to get back in line and wait like everyone else. Forget the "New Colossus" opening stanzas and the false interpretations. It has become misunderstood poetry. It wasn't an open invite, but rather a commission work done prior to the competition of the Statute of Liberty. The poem embodied what the concept sketch made the author feel and nothing more. In no official US document regarding any branch of government nor how it is run, does it acknowledge that the borders to the US are, will, and must be open to everyone at all times for any reason. Arguments have been made claiming that America was built by immigrants. I can't say that the argument is untrue, but the times and circumstances were and are now very different. At a time slavery and sexism to a scale larger and more severe than any woman can understand today was commonplace, even encouraged.

On a side note - I just love how people like to keep tradition or revert back to "how things used to be" when it is convenient for them or their cause. No, fuck all that noise. Either put it all back or none of it. We can put back the old idea of America being a melting pot and jsut let people come and go for any reason, but then we'd have to bring back all the shit we got rid of too, like slavery and lower wages based on sex or race. Yeah, I know... progress is going forward leaving bad ideas and actions behind. True, very true, but at the same time be fair with how you move forward or we'll end up with some malformed multinational dildo in our collective asses - for what?... I digress...

Times have changed and these things are scorned and considered a social attrition. Using the argument of American being built by immigrants is no different. This country has been built, is in gear, and steadily moving. No one alive was a part in building this nation up during key parts of development no more than there is no one alive from the African American Slavery period of pre-Civil War. A nation that lives in the past on parts that favor the easement for any particular group denies itself the nourishment for a fruitful future. This is not to say that a nation must move on and forget it's past, but it cannot feasibly reside in it and expect anything good to happen. The phrasing of "immigrant workers" was to blur the line that separates legal status of immigrants. Legal immigrants should not come under fire for being here.

Second, we as a nation lack the logistics to round up all illegal immigrants and deport them in a 24 hour period. It would be something that happened over a period of time and as such businesses would acclimate accordingly without missing a beat.

A practical solution to workplace shortages include better workplace partnerships, or simply put – employee retention practices. While I worked in the retail sales business, the company I worked for noticed a shortage of employees.

To counter this they began to offer competitive packages that included employee stock options, slightly higher wages over time, and a 401K. Now, not everyone will want to remain in retail sales for the entirety of their career, but the 401K was not for new employees. It was for mid to upper-level management who had put a substantial amount of time into the company. Any and every business CAN afford to offer better packages. When a shortage happens they will do so.

Another common practice is to broaden their employee base. This comes in form of either ethnic diversity which reaches a broader audience, or by adjusting their employee age range. The latter ensures that the business also reaches a more broad audience than just ehtnic diversity. The company I worked for was specifically targeting early teens to young adults that enjoyed either the skate / surf activity (or at least liked to pretend as if they did - fuckin' pousers). So an age range wouldn't be as effective here. However, it would serve better in other retails sales such as large and small electronics, vehicle sales or food service.

Illegal immigrants often work in labor intensive industries, so in respect to the issue a realistic solution would simply be to offer normal wages to those who can prove legal residency and remove the floor on minimum wage for illegal immigrants or those without proof of legal status. Yes, it's a horrible thing to suggest ; to pay one person less money than another based on status, but this already happens (and with the fair tax idea growing wings, the government shouldn't have a huge issue with it on a financial level - if you're going to rape them, rape them the right way). I make less money than I could because illegal immigrants will work for less and do no more than I do on my "field days".

Many people argue that illegal immigrants hold jobs that many American citizens will not hold because they either pay too little or they are simply unwilling to do them. This is not a completely true argument. I live in Georgia, a state that houses the third largest number of illegal immigrants and is responsible for employing ¼ of the nation's illegal immigrants in the Agriculture industry (of which 92% are illegal immigrants), there is a huge influx of illegal immigrants. Most of them are working in either construction or agriculture. Neither of those jobs is overly hard. I work segued between both industries. Doing landscape irrigation and design architecture, I do some construction and have to handle some agriculture. I'm not sure about anyone else, but I've seen more natural citizens (blacks or whites) working at the drive-thru window of McDonald's, asphalt and quarries, waste disposal and management, fisheries, houses, and paper mills where those jobs scrape the bottom as far as prestige and glory. However, these jobs require that the employee have a basic understanding of the English language (written and spoken), and some degree of training. This however doesn't mean that these jobs are worthless and unwanted.

Third, business is a feral beast that is fully capable of self sustainment under some very severe conditions. The real issue is that business doesn't want to increase labor cost by hiring someone unwilling to work for less and thereby having to decrease their profit margin or keep the same profit margin by counteracting the labor cost with the installment of higher consumer prices. Most illegal workers make money "under the table". This is tax free pay that most of them send a portion of back to their homeland. In turn we have to make up for the loss of money at some point and it contributes to inflation and the cost of living; both of which have been on a steady rise. Illegal immigrants pay no income taxes in the US. If they pay no income taxes then how can we as a country pay for public services that both legal and illegal residents use such as police, fire and rescue, public schooling, and social welfare.

Many illegal immigrants send part of their income to their homelands. If money is taken out of our economy it causes a small short term issue and a very big long term monetary problem. This can cause an inaccurate account of money in circulation which partly causes inflation. Lastly, I am under no obligation to consider the feelings of an illegal immigrant when compared to the needs of my own family. I, like many of you, work very hard to make just enough to survive. Fortunately, unlike some of you, I do not live outside of my means. Still, my week day is long, hard, and bears little to bring home (compared to some college nerd who can work calculus in their heads but cant use simple hand tools - for the record - I'm college educated, but work int he labor industry becuase I like it). For all intents and purposes I'm considered a blue collar worker. I come home covered in clay, dust, and glue three days out of the week. The other two days I spend hours upon hours doing plant research, client meetings, co-contractor collaborations, and hardscape drafting. I spend 50 or more hours a week under a sweltering Georgia sun and often times go long periods without breaks or water. I am not exaggerating, and I do not want people to feel the least bit sorry. I chose this line of work despite the fact I'm capable of achieving much more in life. I like my job. The illegal immigrants are also capable of achieving much more in life, and they too chose to be both illegal and work under harsh conditions. If people can find no compassion towards me for the conditions in which I work due to the fact that I'm a natural citizen and I chose my job, then why would people feel compassion towards an illegal immigrant under much of the same circumstances?

The Mexican government has worked hard at trying to talk down the idea of a border fence that would span 700 miles across the US / Mexico border. However in Mexico there is a border fence that is there to keep illegal immigrants from crossing over from Guatemala and El Salvador. Blatant hypocrisy aside, in Mexico it is a felony to be an illegal immigrant. MIchael J Waller wrote "Mexico's Immigration Law: Let's Try It Here At Home", which gives a great list of laws surrounding the immigration workings of the country so willing to ask us to allow them into the US. Beyond this extensive rundown of Mexican Law and Constitution points, there seems to be a huge double standard that Mexico has. Pardon My English has a very interesting overview of some of these double standards. We can also look at Canada when in need of immigration reference. Canada has several ways to legally immigrate into their country, but you've got to fit into THEIR system of life and social governance (which is fine and probably best). From the Canadian Immigration website:

SKILLED WORKERS AND PROFESSIONALS

Skilled workers have education, work experience, knowledge of English or French, and other abilities that will help them to establish themselves successfully as permanent residents in Canada.
to apply as a skilled worker: •you have at least one continuous year of full-time, paid work experience or the equivalent in part-time continuous employment; •your work experience must be Skill Type 0 (managerial jobs), A (professional jobs) or B (technical jobs and skilled trades) on the Canadian National Occupational Classification (NOC); and you must have had this experience within the last 10 years. Investors, entrepreneurs and self employed persons The Business Immigration Program seeks to attract experienced business people to Canada who will support the development of a strong and prosperous Canadian economy.

INVESTORS:

The Immigrant Investor Program seeks to attract experienced business people to invest $400,000 into Canada's economy. Investors must: •show that they have business experience; •have a minimum net worth of CAN $800,000 that was obtained legally; and •make a CAN $400,000 investment. Your investment is managed by Citizenship and Immigration Canada (CIC) and is guaranteed by the Canadian provinces that use it to create jobs and help their economies grow. CIC will return your $400,000 investment, without interest, approximately five years and two months after payment.

ENTREPRENEURS:

The Entrepreneur Program seeks to attract experienced business persons who will own and actively manage businesses in Canada that contribute to the economy and create jobs. Entrepreneurs must: •Show that they have business experience; •Have a minimum net worth of CAN $300,000 that was obtained legally; and •Respect the conditions for entrepreneurs after they arrive in Canada.

SELF-EMPLOYED:

The Self-Employed Persons Program seeks to attract applicants who have the intention and ability to become self-employed in Canada. Self-employed persons are required to have either: •relevant experience that will make a significant contribution to the cultural or athletic life of Canada, or •experience in farm management and the intention and ability to purchase and manage a farm in Canada.

SPONSORING YOUR FAMILY This is pretty self explanatory in title alone. If you live in Canada as a permanent resident then you can apply to have other family members join you to live in Canada. It works pretty close to the same way here in America, with one "minor" exception:

If you sponsor a relative to come to Canada as a permanent resident, you are responsible for supporting your relative financially when they arrive. As a sponsor, you must make sure that your spouse or relative does not need to seek financial assistance from the government.

PROVINCIAL SPONSOIRED NOMINEES / QUEBEC SPONSORED NOMINEES Basically this is where the province / Quebec sponsors you to live in Canada.

Persons who immigrate to Canada under the Provincial Nominee Program have the skills, education and work experience needed to make an immediate economic contribution to the province or territory that nominates them. They are ready to establish themselves successfully as permanent residents in Canada.

Why Quebec has their own thing going on, I'm not sure, but I suspect is has to do with the political division between Quebec and the rest of Canada.

Another huge impact illegal immigration has is on Unions. In the north there is little issue with maintaining a Union, however in the South you'll be hard pressed to find a union of any kind. Lastly, medical care is affected by illegal immigrants.

At a time in our nation where good medical care is in demand and expensive, we can't afford to squander the resources we have here. As an example, the Savannah Hospital in Georgia has lost millions of dollars in caring for illegal immigrants. The government doesn't reimburse the hospital or physicians for their services and the illegal immigrants don't pay a dime for their care. Now, back in 2004 the barred illegal immigrants from receiving non-emergency care, but the illegal immigrants then went straight to the ER for any ailment. Aside from that many of the illegal immigrant bring with them illnesses and diseases that were once eradicated or near removed from the US; Chagas and cystercosis(not common, but noticed primarily in illegal immigrants) are just two that come to mind.

Illegal immigrants also have babies, or sometimes called"anchor babies" (prejrotive...with merit), which secure the legal status of once illegal partners. Often times the illegal immigrants will come over with their family and then have one or two more children. Sometimes the eldest son or daughter of the family will marry another illegal and have a child to also secure the legal status of not only their new child but of their partner. While technically the baby will not automatically make the parents legal citizens, a judge will opt out of deporting the biological parents because the result is a legal breakup of the family. However, when the child becomes an adult, they can sponsor their parents so that they may become legal residents. As many parents come to find out, birth is far from inexpensive and if we toss into the mix any form of complication, the cost increases seemingly exponentially. With the illegal immigrants receiving "free" medical care (becuase they don't have anyway to pay but hospitals can't turn them away thereby eating the cost), there is no option left but for taxes to go up to cover the cost of this. Moreover, babies with defects or health issues, receive full legal state funded health coverage which detracts from the coverage for babies born to legal residents. Hospitals also get further punished by slowly being required to have translators on hand for immigrants (mostly illegal) who have not or will not learn the English language. What it boils down to is that we're facing a serious problem, and with Democrats and Republicans talking out of both sides of their ass on the topic, it's left to us as Americans to figure this mess out. I understand the business side of wanting cheap labor and the idea of in turn keeping the cost of the product cheaper. I understand that when someone is in need of medical attention that they should receive medical attention.

I understand that when living conditions put someone in poverty then they must find a way to provide for their families, and I even understand going to the extremity of doing things outside of the law. However, I am an American. I was born here. I was raised here. I was educated here and I served this nation with great risk to my life. All I'm asking is that when I die here, that it is still the America I defended and grew up in.

Simply denying illegal immigrants an easy way in, or some form of fast track to citizenship is not fixing the solution (nor would it be easy). It's giving up and refusing to backtrack to figure out where the problem started. There is a zen saying that when paraphrased conveys the idea that "no matter how far down the wrong path you go, turn back". In this situation it would be far more beneficial to those who have worked hard to live here by legal means and have that birthright to live freely here than it would to throw our hands up as if to shrug and say "well... it's too late". I do not find that as an acceptable or responsible course of action.

Should we round up every illegal immigrant and kick them out? No. That would be a financial and logistic disaster, aside from being disorganized lackluster.

Should we force them to assimilate and tax them into submission by granting them a free pass? No. This goes back to giving up or quitting on the hard work that generations before any of us put into this country.

Should the legal status be revoked of those who have had anchor babies? No.
This will only serve to ignite tension and make the US to look hypocritical on yet another front. It would be better to remove the provision that grants legal status to otherwise illegal parents for simply procreating in the future.

Should we outright deny medical care to those illegal immigrants who are in honest urgent care? No. It would be inhumane to leave someone in need of medical treatment in a bad condition. However, slowly making laws that clearly define the definition of "urgent" and allowing highly trained medical professional determine and classify this definition would be a better alternative then placing that power into the hands of a medically untrained politician. Hell, I barely believe most politicians tell the truth outside of words like "a", "the" and "and", so I surely don't trust them to make an accurate definition of a medical condition above a doctor. Over a course of years, a small portion of the money that would have been lost in medical care by hospitals should be redistributed to countries like Mexico so that they can have a staff of medical doctors and nurses to treat the conditions that cause some immigrants to illegally seek care in the US. Then the illegal immigrants that come from beyond Mexico can stop at Mexico and receive treatment at a much closer facility with a staff trained just as well.

Immigrants – okay. Illegal immigrants – not okay.

I'm tired of feeling as if Mexico's biggest import is US dollars and their biggest export is illegal immigrants.

Now, most of that was the wish-washy shit but it makes sense to me. Though, people don't really listen to reason too well, and when they do it is dictated to them by CNN, FOX, and whatever ass clown decided they wanted to read "news" off of a teleprompter. Here's a clue people: don't take information from these sources to freely. They're the one's that spend weeks on what Britney Spears does with her kids or what that Trim Spa bitch dies from for months, yet talks about real news for minutes on the day.

This bullshit I keep hearing about making the immigration process easier and how that will decrease the sure in illegal immigration is... laughable, because the logic behind it is flat retarded and overlooks what poor people often think about - MONEY

So, let's break this down into a language most people understand - money.

I work with about 17 guys who have no intention of becoming a citizen. They come to the US for 8 months, then go back home for 4 to be with their family. They just want more money. They get home, live well, and then smuggle themselves back in. Many times, these same guys send money home so they can buy passage for their brothers, cousins, nephews, uncles. So, in some cases, the money they send out goes to helping others get in so they can send more money out... and people want to make that EASIER? The game will be the same my friends. Changing the rules to be easier will only make it easier to exploit.

If Country B has a "dollar" that is worth .50 cents and Country A has a "dollar" that is worth $1, logically you hop over to Country A to work and send it back to Country B because instead of sending over $1, you've virtually sent $2. The other thing to consider is that the cost of living in America is substantially higher than say... Mexico or El Salvador. So, the value of the virtual $2 grows even more.

These people DO give up a lot... but they gain so much more. ON MY TIME AND MONEY.

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immigration

Legal Immigration, by an Immigrant Alien

Tue, 21 Aug 2007 17:37:40 +0100

The article directly before this one prompts me to write about the immigration process in the United States and what happened to me when I applied to become a U.S. Permanent Resident.

You have to hand it to the media, lawyers, the Internet experts and their ilk. They had me worried. I expected terrible things when I married an American citizen in the fall of 2006. What those terrible things were, I can't remember, but I do remember knowing that applying for U.S. residency would be torture. And indeed, the process is lengthy and somewhat expensive: perhaps more lengthy and expensive than most Americans know. However, there were no burning fences, no barking German Shepherds, no small rooms with bright lights and metal benches. There was no drawn out waiting period while I sat, jobless and penniless, waiting for the government to rule on my pitiful case. The Crisis News Network had not prepared me at all well for a tidy, efficient and fair process that took me from an F-1 student non-immigrant to a Permanent Resident.

The initial load you're faced with when you want to apply for residency is daunting. It is my opinion that it is deliberately complicated and confusing: if you're not committed to the cause, you'll give up and go home. "Honey, you can come live with me in my country so much more easily than this. Let's go." The more people who give up, the less the load on the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Service (USCIS) and the less people are admitted into the country as residents. The first thing I did was consult with a lawyer about my case, but I soon realized that she would end up costing us thousands (with an emphasis on the "s") that we really didn't have. Could I do this by myself? Or was that immigration suicide?

What is daunting is the paperwork. Documents after legal documents. Many, many documents. Documents that don't have names like "Medical Form", but rather "I-693." Not only are there numerous forms to fill out and appointments to make (your medical exam probably won't be covered by your insurance; just a heads up), but you'll need tax records and earnings statements from the past three years. This is problematic if you're 23 and have only been employed for six months. Find a way to get them what they want. The form whereby you actually apply for residency provides options as to why you qualify for a Green Card. The option that is most common, that you married an American, is so strangely worded and confusing that it doesn't even contain the word "marriage."

Three copies of some forms. Two copies of others. Four photographs attached to the three copies and one photograph attached to the two. You should not be smiling in the photograph, but a touch of a grin is fine. Retain all copies of everything you send to the USCIS because they apparently have a reputation of losing forms, although they lost none of mine. Do not open your sealed medical report, as it will render the report void. A woman at the USCIS helpline told me to include all my application fees into one check for $935. Others on various immigration forums have since told me that "that's wrong!" and that all checks have to be separate. You know what? It doesn't matter a damn to them how many checks you send, as long as you pay the correct amount. The things people argue about on immigration forums are astonishingly ludicrous.

My hands got sticky and my face got hot every time I thought about those documents and packets. While I waited for current copies of my birth certificate to arrive from New Zealand and for my husband's company to provide him with letters confirming his employment, I couldn't stand to look at the growing pile of paperwork. I was sure it was all filled out incorrectly. I was sure that using white-out on one of the forms was... well... blasphemous. I'd been a good student and never once gotten into trouble during college, but I was sure I must have done something wrong in the four years I'd lived in the United States.

On the verge of panic, I went to the USCIS's website about a week before I was to file my application. Poking around, I came across a system called INFOPASS that lets you make an appointment to speak with an immigration official about your case. It turned out that I could get an appointment the next day and that the offices were only about 10 miles away.

My initial $250 consultation with the lawyer had been wasted, as the official at Seattle's USCIS office was more helpful and appeared to be more knowledgeable than one of Seattle's more expensive attorneys. From the other side of a counter, he looked through my papers and exclaimed, "Looks like you're ready to file! You just need three pictures of your husband, attached here!" If your case is at all straight-forward (you speak English, you've never been arrested, your marriage isn't likely to be considered fraudulent), then I'd recommend not using a lawyer. If all USICS workers are as good as they are at Seattle, you don't need some overpaid attorney charging you out the nose for what you can do for free.

So I had this enormous packet of papers, photos, earnings statements from myself and my husband (I was permitted to work due to a student training program offered to foreigners who graduate from American schools), tax records, birth certificates, copies of passports, marriage certificates and a form showing how I'd changed my last name in 1998. I took it to the post office and sent it to Chicago. You have no idea how scary that is - dropping every record that justifies that you are you into a postal worker's hands and walking out.

And that's where the process stopped being tough. As soon as they received my packet (they received my packet! Partay!) the Chicago office sent me large, watermarked receipts for each document. They included case numbers and instructions. They were in plain English. With these case numbers, I was able to set up an online account on the USCIS website whereby I could monitor actions taken on the four sections of my case (my husband's petition for me, my residency application, my employment authorization application and my travel permit). I also signed up for email notification, where important actions, such as approvals and card production orders, would be sent straight to my Gmail account. Email! From the government! Are you fucking kidding me? This is so awesome!

The next notice was for my Biometrics appointment, which is a fancy way of saying "fingerprints and more photographs." I drove back to Seattle's USCIS offices and had another easy experience with its staff. Very soon thereafter, the fun stuff started happening. I received my work authorization card (which was cool, even though my old one hadn't run out), my travel permits (applicants can't leave the U.S. without permission while their cases are pending) and then my notice requesting that I appear for an interview.

The interview. The cold steel benches and mirrored windows. A drooling Malinois parked at the officer's side as he asks you, "what colour is your husband's toothbrush?" Or, as it turned out, the second floor of the Seattle office and a lady in a pink cardigan who, aside from having my husband and I take an oath of honesty, reminded me of my mum. Mum just assumes I'll be telling the truth. We talked about the cost of weddings, how lovely New Zealand is and why Seattle's summer has been so lame. She wanted to see pictures of my Malinois. In front of her, the original application packet I'd sent to Chicago (which had then gone to Missouri) lay face up, showing off my immaculately written notes. She gave us back a section of my initial application because it was unnecessary - I'd overqualified myself. She said, "Well I'm going to go ahead and approve you today... your card will only take about seven days, because we do a lot of this online now."

And then you get up and leave. You go back to your car and drive home, a U.S. Permanent Resident. The email notification system sends you a message, telling you that your card production is underway. Another two emails are hot on its heels to say that a Welcome letter has been sent to you and that your immigrant petition has been approved. The emails were in my inbox before I got home from the interview.

I don't know what I, or anyone else, expected goes on when you try and immigrate to the U.S. Certainly, there can be obsticles, such as poor health, financial instability or a patchy history. I hate the assumption that I went through the immigration process because my country sucks in comparison. Not everyone applies to live between American borders because their homes are atrocious.

I don't have much sympathy for illegal immigrants because the selfish part of me says "I worked and paid for this privilege; why not you too?" I'd also like to make it clear that Mexicans are not the sole form that illegal immigrants take. If I'd graduated from college here, optained my working / training permit that only lasts a year, not gotten married and thus not applied to become a resident, I'd now be an illegal alien as well. I'd also probably not have been found out, as little white girls with blonde hair and college degrees aren't on the nation's radar as immigrants to watch. I guarantee that illegal immigrants are everywhere: it's very easy to become illegal here. It's like watching for Muslims at the airport and then being hijacked by a white boy from New York with a Scottish last name - the South African girl who works at the gym or the guy from Canada who's serving booze at your favorite bar have as much chance of being here illegally than does any Mexican. Many employers won't bother checking the employment credentials of their foreign workers because it just doesn't occur to them how easy it is to come into the United States legally and then "run out of status."

As far as I'm concerned, it's nice to finally be in a country in which I'm a resident again. It's been a while. I have no particular point to make with this piece aside from to tell you what happened to me. It only took three months and twenty-seven days from my filing the packet to being approved. Welcome to America.

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immigration, green cards, permanent residency