Dropping Some Gems

Fix It

2012-01-03T16:31:00.000-08:00

Starting and stopping, starting and stopping. I could be so much more if I didn't let things tie me down. Carry so much luggage. I don't even think I know how to write a poem anymore.

I admit I'm depressed. There's something wrong in my life and I know how to fix it -
I just won't do it. I won't do it because I'm not allowed to. Unknown consequences.

But I also admit I feel hindered; stuck in limbo. It's a horrible feeling. I never thought I would have to experience things like this. Everything in my life has changed and I realize more and more how little I control it.

I'm surrounded by people almost every moment yet I'm surprisingly lonely.

Lonely with my thoughts that will never be heard. I dare not say them out loud. The restriction is suffocating.

Now I just stand and wait. Hoping someone will come and save me. Save us. If I wait long enough and pray hard enough someone will come right? Or something..

I tried once to reach for help; tried to explain myself but no one understands! No one really listens correctly. I will never do that again. I will continue to look out for myself.

I hold so much inside. Suffering in silence because I was told to do so. But also because I 'm embarrassed.
I should've know better. Why did I let it become this? It's partially my fault.

I honestly don't know what to do. But I'm a strong person so I guess I'll make it through. I only say I'm strong because other people seem to think so.

As time goes on I lose a little bit of something but I can't quite put my finger on it. I'm speechless so I throw my hands in the air and surrender.

The only answer is to fix it. Just fix it.

I wish I could but I can't, I can't, I can't

Dreams to Come...

2010-09-16T10:34:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been having more disturbing dreams. Death, chaos, agony. Things you only see in movies. But now I have to wonder - where do they get the ideas for some of these movies? They are closer to reality than we think. Last month on Sunday night - August 22 - I had a dream that was too real to even say I was dreaming. I think it could have been another one of my crazy visions.

....I was coming home from work one day and I noticed not too many people were on the streets or subways. The people I did see looked nervous and frightened and they were all in a hurry. But I ignored them and continued on home without any questions or wonder. Where I got home my television was on. CNN was reporting a high death toll of 15,000 people. There were bodies lined up in the street - some were bodies of military men and others were of civilians. It looked like a big city in America because the street was being patrolled by the US Army. The CNN reporter began to name off some of the people who were dead so that family members could find them. Some of the bodies were so mutilated they had to be put in body bags right away, while the others lay dead in the eye of the public. It was never reported what exactly killed these people but whatever it was caused a great stir in the world and caused people to stop going to work and school.

Then I woke up...just a dream. Right?

Then the night before last on Tuesday I had another dream that made me think that it could be tied into my dream about the 15,000 deaths.

I'm not sure where I was but I remember being inside of a building - possibly my own home - and looking outside the window. The sky had changed to a strange lavender color and there was a mysterious red ball of fire in the sky. No one knew what it was. A meteorite, a sun, a planet, a star? It was smaller than the moon and sun and it seemed to be pretty far away but it was bigger than the average nighttime star. It simply appeared out of no where. Most people were nervous and afraid of it but life continued on since the strange ball of fire had done no harm and stayed in the same spot.

Then some time later - possibly days or months; I can't be sure - the ball of fire in the sky grew brighter and more red and the center of it became a hot orange. People began to go into a frenzy because no one knew what to do or what was going to happen. Many people stopped going to work and school. Then soon after, the burning ball in the sky shot down a continuous line of hot fire down onto the earth. I don't know where the fire touched but it was only one certain area of the earth that this fire was directed to. There was nothing anyone could do to make this fire stop shooting down. I remember seeing people running and screaming wanting a place to hide but there was no where to go.

Afterwards, the line of fire stopped. But people were still terrified because no one knew where this ball of fire would strike next....then I woke up. Just a "dream".....

Drifting

2010-07-20T18:33:00.001-07:00

I'm sitting in the back all alone staring into the dimness. People all around me but not with me; talking and being seemingly happy. I am not here. I feel like I'm in a daze or a dream. Why do I have to be here? Stuck. Stuck until whenever.

I look down at my papers and run the words through my head and like water through a drain it leaves me. I simply cannot hold it. Will there be another test? If so, I do not care to pass.

I look up at the faces and uniforms and see nothing in their smiles and hear nothing in their laughter.

"What are you thinking over there?" someone asks.

"Nothing," I respond. Nothing. I yawn so hard my ear pops and I snap my eyes shut. I stay that way. As long as I think I can get away with it. I open my eyes and see. I see that I am completely out of place. They see too. When I was younger I would've cared but now I don't. What can they do to me?

I know that I make people uncomfortable when I'm too quiet. They continue to talk, I continue to be mute. Taking nothing in, giving nothing out. Drifting.

What exactly are we suppose to be doing right now? I finally think. I would like to get up and walk away right now and never come back. What if I did? What would happen? Will someone call out for me? Come look for me?

My foot twitches in anticipation. The dimness has become brighter, the laughter softer. I look across the room and see her. My friend. Another me. I almost forgot. She is here too. I suppose there is no need for two of us.

Now is my chance.

I get up and walk. Away. I shall never come back....

1:28 AM

2010-01-31T23:10:00.000-08:00

I'm awake. Not because I want to be. But because I have a raging headache. Deep down into my neck. My eyes are watering from the pain in my temples. My vision is blurry. I am constantly ill. I truly and officially hate the world now. How much more? How much longer can we take? This year has started out bad for me. I've been dealing with a mysterious illness since New Year's Eve. Since then it has only gotten slightly better. Now recently, I've been contracting bad, random cases of nausea. It's all tearing me apart. My insides are sick and tired of being sick and tired. My job isn't any better. Sometimes I read my Bible at work just to keep me calm and level headed. It's so frustrating I can't even write about it in my journal. I never keep my journals. They're not meant for anyone else to read. Once I fill up the pages I throw them away. I seriously don't know why I write. Maybe I have a fetish. I've been doing it ever since I learned how to. Things just seem better when they're written down on paper.

Sometimes I feel like dying. But I can't tell if it's spiritual or physical. Whenever I become extremely stressed I become ill. And whenever I become ill I become extremely stressed. It is a constant, never-ending cycle.

I don't care about my family anymore. Is that bad? They call me and I rarely pick up the phone; I simply ignore them. They have all honestly become a dread to me. Or maybe I am the one who has become a dread.

Sometimes I wish death upon myself. Just to escape all the evils and madness of the world. But yet here I am. Still alive and breathing - still pushing. Pushing for what? I ask myself. Why do I do this? The torture I endure in hopes of having a happy ending. All I want is my happy ending. What must I do to attain it? I try to be the perfect woman but I feel I fail miserably. Is trying even good enough?

On Wednesday I will go back to the doctor. I'm sure she will still be clueless as to why I'm nauseated and in pain all the time. I've taken all the x-rays and blood tests. I will not be taking any more medicine or drugs she prescribes for me until she makes a correct diagnosis. It seems I will be dead before ANY physician will figure out my medical woes. Although, being deceased doesn't always seem like a bad state of existence. I wouldn't be sick anymore and I certainly wouldn't have to be a slave anymore.

Mother Leaves Child To Go Shopping-Child Dies in House Fire

2009-10-20T19:40:00.001-07:00

VIRAL VIDEO ALERT!!!!! Resist injections? Go to jail! Take your kids! wow! revolution is coming!

2009-09-24T22:41:00.001-07:00

One state at a time...

The Backroads Lead Home

2009-08-22T15:18:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a recurring dream that has been plaguing me for the past couple weeks. It seems to be getting more intense each time so I thought it would make a nice blog topic....

It was a sunny day and I had just gotten of work and me and some of my co-workers decided to go to a nearby park to watch a movie that was playing there and have lunch. There were lots of other people already there when we arrived. We found a place to sit under the shade of a tree and spread out a blanket to have our lunch. We had only been relaxing there a few moments before we heard the sound of loud sirens echoing from down the street. We all turned towards the sounds of the sirens and we all saw strange looking fire trucks and police cars whiz by in full speed. They all stopped at a nearby corner. Some people got up to look and I joined in to see what was going on. I saw mechanical (almost robotic) looking men get out of the fire trucks and cop cars. They were arresting people and shoving them into their vehicles. I didn't think it was a big deal so I decided to go back under the tree with my co-workers but when I turned around the park was completely empty. Everyone had vanished. Disappeared. I was the only one left in the park. Even the shade of the tree was gone - the sky was cloudy and it looked like it might rain.

I became very uneasy and jittery because I wasn't sure what to do. I ran back to the place under the tree to see if any of my things were there. I found my food and my backpack still sitting on the ground so I grabbed them and headed for the sidewalk to leave the park. At that particular moment I heard a loud, forceful voice ringing in my ears. It was a man's voice and he was speaking to me. "Don't take the main roads - take the back roads!" I hesitated for a moment and then I heard the voice again repeating the same thing. So I turned around and headed in the opposite direction to take the back roads. It was then that I realized that the police cars and fire trucks were arresting any people they found traveling on the main roads.

I could hear sirens from almost every direction so I started running until I came to a large sky scraper building made out of black glass. I went inside and there were dozens of business people working inside. They seemed unaware of what was going on outside and they didn't notice me either. I found an elevator and decided to hide myself on it. Inside the elevator there were 4 men. One man was black and another one was white. I can't remember the race the other 2 men were. They were all stone cold and had no expressions on their faces except for the black man. He was giving me a strange look. I started praying silently under my breath. The black man turned to me and said, "I can hear what you're saying! It won't work! Who are you talking to?" He started jumping and having seizures. The other 3 men remained still and silent - almost like robots.

I got off the elevator and decided to go back to work. Thats when I heard the same loud, forceful voice again. "Don't go to work! Go home! Something bad is going to happen!" It kept repeating 'something bad is going to happen' over and over in my head. Outside people were still being seized and taken away by the fire trucks and police cars. So I decided to obey the voice and take the back roads and go home.....Then I woke up.

Just a dream...but why do I keep having this dream?

CHINESE FAMILY TV-COOKING DOG MEAT

2009-08-20T10:44:00.001-07:00

Is this for real?! Ugh!

Women Men Despise

2009-08-20T10:07:00.000-07:00

This is an article I found on AOL today called "Women Men Despise". Read it and leave your opinions. Interesting and funny I think...

1.) Church Girls - What about the women? I'll name one kind: Church Girls. They live in this twisted world where they think they can treat you poorly, cheat, b**** and complain, but as long as they go to church it's OK for them to do this. It's more like the Devil is in their souls instead of God.

2.) The Dishonest Diva - Two major complaints: 1. She's not as advertised. Someone who says she is one sort of person when she is not. Might as well be honest about oneself; the truth will soon come out. 2. She is afraid to say no. If she doesn't like something (Chinese food, old movies, etc.), it's better to say so than to complain about it after the fact.

3.) The Constant Housewife - While I look for someone who realizes the importance of family and having a family together, I also hope to find someone who feels that all homey things are not her responsibility alone, because that will put a strain on the relationship down the road. [These women] are angry if you spend more then a couple of times a month by yourself or with friends. A relationship requires mutual benefits, [so] if you are given time with your friends or alone then she should [take] the same. This is even more important when you have kids together. In fact, if she is the primary childcare giver then she should be given more time away from the kids if she so chooses. [The ideal] woman is one who realizes that every minute of free time should not be spent together, but a good portion should. There is a reason they call it a relationship!

4.) The Cheater - When my ex left me, it was in the morning, and she was packing her bag.
I asked, "Hey -- where are you going?"
[She said,] "I'm leaving."
[I said,] "I understand that part, where are you going?"
[She said,] "I'm leaving you."

Turns out she was leaving me for one of the groomsmen from our wedding. Now, I should have seen that one coming since she had left her ex (who was a very good friend of mine) for me (though I assumed that it was because he'd left the state for months without saying anything). Lesson learned -- once a cheater, always a cheater.

5.) The Toxic Date - I do believe that everyone has some faults and … no one is perfect. But if a person is toxic... and if he or she doesn't treat their partner, other people and themselves with respect, that's a good sign the relationship isn't on a healthy path. Male or female. It is always good to know the signs...

6.) Too-Good-To-Be-True Girls - OK, so almost every guy is bad. But guys need to look out for the girls who can melt anyone with their smile. You have to prove your worth a million times over while the greaseball at the bar only has to buy her a few drinks and practice some "Pick-up Artist," "Glamour," "Desperate Housewives," and "SATC" lines to guide them.

7.) The Loudmouth - The type I hate the most is the girl who does not know that normal people can speak in regular voices and everything does not have to be screamed. Men, obviously, tend to be more laid back than women. Women need to realize that constant lecturing and yelling is not a desirable trait.

8.) The Manipulator -How many times have I heard a woman expecting a man to change, whether it is me or a friend of mine? No way. It won't happen and never should happen in any case. If you are a certain way when the two of you met, then that's the way it has to be all the time. To expect one person to change for you is essentially cheating on your part … if you know the rules of the game going in, and you try to change the rules in the middle of the game, you are CHEATING!

9.) The Attention Seeker - I had one woman who came on to me once, and not only did it turn out that she was married, but she was also out for the attention. After I found out (about the married part) I stopped looking at her in that way, and she knew it. Still haven't heard the end of that. For some reason, I'm the bad guy.

10.) The So-Called Feminist - My ex-girlfriend used to refuse to pay for anything, to the point where she wouldn't even bring her wallet along. One time we went to a place that didn't accept credit cards, and since I didn't have enough cash to cover both of us and she didn't have anything on her, we couldn't go. The one time she did treat me to a movie, it was used against me for the next month -- i.e., '"You buy dinner since I got the tickets; you get this movie since I got the last one," etc.

She also gave me a list of minimum things to get her for Valentine's Day (at least a dozen roses, at least a box of chocolates), which in addition to being expensive (especially since I was just a student), took the fun out of surprising her. She didn't get me anything in return, incidentally.

11.) Talkers - Women have this innate ability to think of 5000 different things...all at once. Now that all by itself isn't a bad thing. But living with a girl/woman who thinks that a man should also be able to rapid fire the cranial neutrons at light speed and jump from conversation topic to conversation topic in a nano-second is, well, mind blowing. Guys just don't do that. See, we think or talk of just one subject or topic at a time. When we're done with that one topic, we put it away and go to the next one. Orderly, organized, logical, and processed. Then we marry, move in, or live with a creature of the opposite sex who believes that every subject in the world is totally within bounds to talk about...all within 15 seconds. [Plus,] when men want to be romantic, we don't want [this] going on...whatsoever! When we're being romantic, there is absolutely NO ability for a man to think of more than that one thing...even if we wanted to. We're just not programmed that way. If a woman wants to talk, she needs to get that out of the way early in the evening. Nothing can kill a nice romantic evening like talking about the neighbors, the kids, the office, money, politics, birds, the grass growing, her mother, her brother, her friends, the washing machine, the doorman, the car, the store clerk...blah, blah, blah…ARGH! Sometimes less is more.

12.) City Gals - Most city women are useless Barbies. Country or small town women are less likely to be pampered lazy idiots.

13.) She's Too Busy Looking For Mr. Perfect - So many women are looking for Mr. Perfect. Here is a story about looking for perfection. A woman was driving down the highway, and since she had been driving all day, she was hungry. She started to look for a restaurant to have dinner, but could not find a restaurant she liked. One was too big (slow service). One was too commercial (quality?). One was too out of the way. One had too many semi-trucks parked around it (country Western). One had an empty parking lot. She looked and looked until she was so hungry she decided to eat at the next restaurant she saw. She drove up, walked to the front door and saw the sign: CLOSED! The moral is that people looking for perfection seldom find it.

14.) The Beauty Queen - Yup, it's true, and boys should be told this when they're still young, that good lookin' is only good fer lookin' or you will just get your heart smashed and pulled out your behind when you see her smoochin' on another guy behind your back. Pick an ordinary, no-frills type of gal who likes you for who you are and likes to be with you. Even then you better keep your eyes wide open. By the way gals, that old princess thing stinks.

And More...

The Super-Insecure-Girl - who needs constant verbal affirmation and obsessively compares herself to others.

The All-Around-Mentally-Ill - who's on a dozen medications, the combination of which is doing little to diminish the emotional roller-coaster that is her existence.

The-Risk-Taker - impulsive and reckless, often smokers or addicts (but not always!), who takes dangerous risks without considering consequences.

Miss Anti Social

2009-04-03T18:36:00.000-07:00

I can't find what I'm looking for

I can't seem to get where I want to be

A wandering vagabond I am

Never excluded from the world

Yet, never accepted nonetheless

"Such a pretty face," they say.

"It's a shame that she is so strange and dull."

I just don't get it

Me being myself is always so difficult

Confusion is my shadow

I wake up with the moon

And fall asleep with sun

Forever backwards and loving it

Everyday I look at myself in the mirror

And I laugh at myself

"Who is this funny girl?"

The girl with the sad eyes and simple ways

Do I scare you?

Can I make you laugh?

Am I intimidating?

Am I really worth less than nothing?

Where did I come from and where am I going?

What is the true meaning of beauty?

And since when did it become just physical?

Too many questions.

I've revealed too much.

My insides and feelings don't matter to anyone

Only whats on the outside

And how well I can keep up appearances

I cringe and stagger

Outside beauty cannot be judged with inside beauty

The results are tragic

Now all I do is sit quietly

Look what they've made me:

Miss Anti Social

Written December 2006

Bittersweet

2009-04-03T18:31:00.000-07:00

Happiness.

My ultimate lifes goal.

I crave those happy tears.

Those memorable moments.

I don't want to fall asleep

and dread the rising sun.

Or live my life day to day

going through the motions.

Why am I here?

Who do I live for?

Happiness.

Happiness is what I live for.

Attaining it a chore of its own.

I wish I could smile

for no simple reason,

Simplistic and innocent.

Oh, how I long for my stolen

childhood treasures.

How I crave the happy-go-lucky feel.

In the middle of the night

my soul cries out

"Wake up and move your feet!"

Who wants to come on an adventure with me?

Who wants to touch the sky?

Who wants to smile with me?

Take my hand, lets run away

and never ever look back.

Just happiness, pure happiness.

One day

One life

Once moment

I'll smile myself to sleep.

Written 11/14/06

Quiet

2009-04-03T18:25:00.000-07:00

Maybe I should be quiet.

I think too much.

Reading between the lines.

I'm like a water balloon filled up with too much water.

I'm silent now, but sooner or later I'll have to burst.

The scared little girl who thinks too loudly, but could never express it verbally.

Afraid of being ridiculed or shut out completely.

Being a hipicrit to my own self, wanting to be accepted but not wanting to be like anyone else.

Bending to their ways and playing their little games.

False courage creeps into me; I've put on a mask of audacity.

I speak just an inkling of my mind so sure that I will be understood.

All eyes are on me full of belittlement and pity.

I shrink back in disgusted embarrassment.

Maybe I should just be quiet.

I think too much.

Back to my little corner, shriveled up in a ball.

Cover my ears, close my eyes and seal my mouth with wax.

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.

Isn't that the way it's suppose to be?

The minds of the few, too strange to decise.

We stay in our little corners so everyone else can play nice.

Tick-tock, tick-tock...waiting, waiting, waiting...when will it be our turn to play?

Written 11/04/2006

What Is A Woman?

2009-02-02T16:46:00.000-08:00

I want to be a woman...

How does a woman think?

A real woman doesn't embarrass easily
and she knows how to make good decisions.

So why do I always cry at the first sign of rain
and use foul language when I can't express my feelings?

A real woman will brush her shoulders off
and not care what other people say;
she always thinks before she speaks.

So why do I always belittle myself
and compare myself to others
or lie because telling the truth hurts too much?

A real woman is patient,
she knows how to fix and get over her mistakes.

So why do I always lose confidence in myself
or always expect the worst to happen?

Now I'm in transition.
I know who I want to be.
I know who I don't want to be.

I'm seemingly stuck in my little girl ways
while grasping for my womanhood.
It's like losing a baby tooth
and waiting for the new tooth to grow in.

Who knew that becoming a woman was like
being born and starting all over again?

I'm tired of being a girl.

I want to be a woman....

01/21/07

Sick & Happy

2009-02-02T16:12:00.000-08:00

Have you ever felt so helpless?
So down and sick?
Trapped within a place of another man's world?
So far deep in a pit
you swear you could
feel the flames of hell.
Yet so, so cold.
Freezing from the inside out.

They laugh, they poke, they prod.
Completely oblivious...
Trying to see how far they can get
without actually committing murder.

You'll never be able to trust another smile,
A smiling face, all the while dying underneath.
Little do we know the secret lives of these happy people.

That happy man that holds his gun to his head
every night because he knows he will soon lose his job.

That happy woman that hesitates a pillow
over her sleeping childs head at night because
she can't stand the sound of his crying when he's hungry.

That happy teenager that stares
at a bottle of pills everyday
wondering when the nerve will strike to swallow them.

That happy child that cries at night
when stepdad comes into the bedroom.

So down trodden and bare,
yet we live in a free land,
A land of justice and equality.
The milk and honey overflows....
Then why are we so oppressed?

Look outside and see the smiling faces,
So happy and perfect.

So sick and happy.

12/13/06

Audacity

2009-01-26T22:43:00.000-08:00

Please, please, please! Leave me alone. Why are you always bothering me? Always in my ear. Are you trying to help or are you trying to drive me crazy?!

Does it make you feel good to see me angry? Does it make you feel good to see me depressed? Does it make you feel good to see me struggle?

I'm trying the best that I can and I don't know everything! And guess what?...Neither do you! So take your pointless words of "advice" and go away.

Can't you see you're killing me? I'm dying and you can't even see it. Why do you keep making it worse?

What kind of friend are you?

What kind of mother are you?

What kind of sister are you?

What kind of father are you?

What kind of brother are you?

What kind of person are you?

You assume I have no emotions when it comes to my feelings. In your eyes I am just a dumb, incompatant child.

And all the while you have the audacity to wonder how I got this way...

7/24/04

Only In America

2008-12-17T17:16:00.000-08:00

Only in america......

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'

.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM's with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click .."?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

------------------
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos:! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside. (the shoplifter special?).

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....).

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news
flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this
one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle).

The Wonderful Los Angeles Medical System

2008-12-17T17:03:00.000-08:00

I wasted my time and went to the TB clinic today. They didn't do sh*t. I had already prepared myself for my death sentence. They were more concerned about me filling out my paper work correctly than they were about my health. It seems the doctors are all too lazy to do their damn jobs. How can it be that I've been sick off and on for the past 8 months and the doctors don't seem to know what the problem is? I've been doing my research on all of my symptoms. It all started back in October when I first got sick with a throat infection in my lymph nodes. I went to the doctor and was prescribed some weak antibiotics. They didn't work completely. I went back to the doctor and he told me that the swelling in my throat would go away in a few days. It took nearly three weeks for my throat to completely clear up. I was sick off and on for the next 2 months. Recently I did some research and I discovered that an infection of your lymph nodes can lead to pneumonia if you don't receive proper medical treatment. Surprise, surprise! I caught pneumonia in February and was hospitalized in March. WTF! I wish I had known this. The doctors were taking advantage of my ignorance of medical science. I took some x-rays and had a cat-scan in the hospital. The doctors prescribed me some more weak antibiotics for 10 days and told me I should be fine in a few weeks. By the middle of April I was coughing and still having pain in my right lung. I went to the doctor where they performed more x-rays and another cat-scan. The doctor went on vacation and I didn't get my results back for almost two weeks. His stupid nurse called and gave me the news.
"The doctor found something in your right lung but he said it will go away in a few weeks."
A few weeks? Haven't I heard this somewhere before? The weeks go by and suddenly it's June. Nothing has changed. I still have coughing fits in the middle of the night and I can't take comfortable deep breaths. I go BACK to the doctor and demand better treatment. Their version of better treatment was taking more pointless x-rays. I was also given a TB (tuberculosis) test. Within hours after being given the TB test (vaccine) I start coughing up phlegm and my lungs are burning. What the hell did they do to me? The next morning I wake up and my right arms has a huge, red, itchy, inflammation from where they tested me. I decided to do my own research on the internet and I found that pneumonia and TB go hand in hand. If a person isn't treated correctly for pneumonia then they can easily become exposed to tuberculosis. Ain't that some sh*t? In order to test positive for TB the inflammation on the arm has to be between 5mm to 10mm. My inflammation was 20mm! So I'm ordered to go the the TB clinic. I got there this morning to beat the crowd and long lines. The place was infested with gnats and ants. Certainly if a person didn't already have a disease before they came here they would have one after leaving! The nurse called my name and I followed her into the examining room. There were blood stains on her uniform. I didn't want her to touch me. Ugh. I seriously wanted to just go home at that point. She began asking me a series of annoying questions.
"Have you tested positive for HIV or AIDS? Are you pregnant? Do you use needles or drugs? Do you smoke? Are you homeless? Have you ever been in jail or prison?....Blah, blah, blah."
Good Lord Almighty! What a waste of time! It's been a week since my TB test and I still have a red, itchy, painful bump on my arm. I was told that it would go away in a few days. I showed it to the nurse. Her eyes bulged.
"Whoa...You have definitely been exposed to TB. But the swelling on your arm will go away in a few days." Yeah, right. The blood stains on her uniform were making me sick. She led me to the radiology room where I took some more pointless x-rays. Haven't they seen enough? The same sh*t. Too much radiation can give a person cancer. I've had two cat scans and five x-rays in the past four months. But after doing my own research I know for a fact that you can't diagnose someone with TB by giving them an x-ray. Other tests HAVE to be performed. They were going to need samples from my lungs and stomach. It could take weeks before a doctor would know if I had TB or not. I asked the nurse what other tests were they going to give me and she said I would only be getting x-rays. A few minutes after I was done she came to give me my x-ray results from the doctor. I saw her talk to the doctor and then they started to laugh. She put on a mask and came into the waiting room. I know that wearing a mask wasn't necessary unless you are around someone who is contagious. I was the only one in the room.
"....Uh....." the nurse was holding my results and she seemed nervous. "The doctor says he didn't see any TB in your lungs. You don't have TB." I knew she was lying. Why was she suddenly wearing a mask? There was no one else in the room. I also knew that you can't determine whether or not if a person has TB by giving them an x-ray.
"Well," I said. "If it's not TB then what is it? Do I still have pneumonia?"
"I don't know. The doctor didn't say. We only specialize in TB. You'll have to go back to your regular doctor and see what they can do for you." The b*tch was lying to me.
"I'm going to need something in writing," I demanded.
"You'll get your official results in the mail in two to three weeks," she said. WTF?!
"No," I told her, "I want something in writing today. I want proof." Finally the nurse gave in and decided to give me a document stating that my x-rays were neither normal or abnormal but "pending". What the hell does that mean? No where on the document did it state that I did NOT have TB. Honestly, I believe I have dormant TB. My TB test was positive and above average. I'm not stupid. Over the past few days I have been discussing with my family about suing these medical clinics for lack of treatment and failure to follow up and disgusting sanitary conditions. Tomorrow I'll be going home for the holiday and I'll also be talking with my lawyer there. Why do the doctors keep shrugging me off and telling me I will be okay in "a few weeks" ? It just doesn't make any sense for a person to go from having infected lymph nodes, to pneumonia, to tuberculosis. What's next? My death bed?

I Didn't See It Coming

2008-12-17T16:41:00.000-08:00

Late Winter 2007

No matter what, life will play its course. You can live your life and try the best you can but life is simply life. Just when you think things will get better or maybe there is a shred of hope, diaster and unfortune can strike at the most sensitive time and moment. It is impossible to always expect the worst, but it's even more impossible to expect the best. Being in denial and unconsciously torturing yourself to death. Not realizing you're going the wrong way and then it becomes too late to change for prevention. It hits you so hard your mind and body don't know how to react. Then you suddenly feel like you're slipping towards insanity or coming upon the verge of a nervous breakdown...

I woke up this morning with an uneasy feeling. The same uneasy feeling I have every time I open my eyes. The same feeling I've learned to ignore over the past few years. I had to go to work early this morning. I was a little hungry, and although I have a job, I haven't been making enough money to buy groceries lately. So instead I drank some water and got dressed for work. Today I have a job interview after work. I hoped it would be something comfortable with good pay and security. I packed some things I would need for my interview. My resume, lip gloss, a pen, house keys, and my beige open-toed pumps. I smashed it all into my raggedy tattered purse. It was ripping and tearing at the seams. If I do well on this interview and get the job then maybe I can buy myself a new purse. I hope.
I was hungry and tired from lack of sleep, but I made my way outside to the bus stop. It was still early in the morning but the sun was beating down hot and miserable. The more sun I was exposed to the more my hair burned and broke off. Occassionally, my face would break out into a heat rash from excessive sunlight. I was too ashamed to use an umbrella. How would it look for a Black person to be walking down the street on a perfectly sunny day while using an umbrella? It would look as if I were ashamed of my brown skin and didn't want it to get any darker. So instead, everyday I stood outside waiting for the bus while the sun seemingly baked me alive.
My bus showed up and I got on. I fell asleep in what seemed like seconds. My eyelids felt like bricks. I hunched in my seat. Only 5 hours of restless sleep last night. I've never been able to sleep a whole night through since I was 17. That awful uneasy feeling keeping me up at all hours. It always gave me that sudden urge to talk to someone. To have someone listen to me and agree on everything I was saying even if what I was saying was completely wrong.
But today I wanted to be happy. I had a job interview and things could possibly change.
I went to a nearby coffee shop just before I went to work and bought me a cup of hot tea. I shouldn't have wasted my money but I didn't want to be sad today and I thought a nice drink would make me feel better.
It was peaceful and quiet at the store where I worked. No one was there except me. It was still early in the morning. I sipped my tea and busied myself with small chores and tasks of preparing the store to be opened. I enjoyed 2 calm hours to myself before my manager came in for her shift. Immediately she put me to work cleaning and dusting. I felt terrible and vulnerable but I did my job anyway. But I had a job interview today. Maybe I wouldn't have to work here anymore! I counted down the time before it was time for me to leave. A few minutes before my shift was over a young man comes into the store and starts talking to my manager.
"I'm going to interview him for the position," my manager tells me. The position. One of my co-workers quit a few days ago and my manager has been scrambling to hire someone to take her place.
I went to the front of the store and looked at the clock. It's time for me to go. There is no one else here to run the store while my manager was conducting an interview. Now I was going miss MY interview. Why did she have to schedule this at the end of my shift? I wait 10 minutes in agony. The buses are so slow here in L.A. I'll never make it on time. I have to leave. I interupt my manager and the young man and I tell her I have to leave. She seems to be annoyed with me and I try to apologize. She blows me off. I smile and politely leave. I was in no mood to be mean or bitchy.
I quickly changed my shoes to my beige open-toed pumps and head for the bus stop. I have about 30 minutes before my interview.... I wait for 15 minutes. Out of nervous habit I clench my left pointer-finger back and forth. When the bus finally shows up the bus driver tells me that my bus pass is invalid for freeway transportation and that I have to pay. My heart sinks. I hardly ever carry cash on me. I begin searching through my wallet for some coins to put in the machine. Then I pay and sit in the rear of the bus. The air conditioner blew cold, painful air into my left ear. I cocked my head for comfort. I remained that way for the rest of the trip. I tried not to think of the worst and hoped that I would somehow make it to my interview on time.
By the time I got off the bus it was already past due. I walked for 10 minutes before I realized I was going the wrong way. I cursed myself. I couldn't find the address anywhere. I called the company I had my appointment with and asked for directions. Twice I got lost walking up and down the street. My feet began to hurt and I switched back into my moccasins. When I finally arrived I was exactly 35 minutes late. I felt like an unprofessional, unorganized, fool. I didn't feel like an adult at all. I couldn't believe they still wanted to interview me. I was introduced to two women and ushered into an office. I began rummaging through my raggedy purse for my resume. I then noticed that I was still wearing my moccasins. I cursed myself again for not changing back into my pumps before I entered the building. I withdrew my resume and set it on the desk between me and the two ladies. My resume was crumpled and wrinkly. I had accidentally smashed it in my purse with my beige pumps. I cursed myself for the third time. The three of us looked at my pitiful crumpled resume sitting in the middle of the desk. Then they looked at me. I must have looked a mess too after being lost for nearly half an hour. My face was flushed, my armpits were sweaty and my hair was askew. I tried to answer all of the questions in the interview but I could tell that I was just wasting all of our time. My palms became sweaty. For every answer I gave, that same uneasy rumbling feeling came into my stomach. Or maybe I was just hungry.
I knew in my heart I wasn't going to get the job.
"We'll call you," one of the ladies said. They must have noticed my flushed features and they offered me a bottle of water. I accepted. I hadn't eaten anything all day and I could fill myself up with water until I could find some food. As I left their office I heard one of them sigh a remark of pity.
"That poor little thing."
Yes, I am a poor little thing, I agreed in thought. It had become cold outside and I wrapped my thin jacket tighter around me. I felt like my insides were cracking. I walked slowly to the bus stop and thought about all the wrong things I did today. It seemed like just being alive was a mistake. I fell into a deep depressing thought as the moments flew by. I stood at the bus stop for over an hour. My bus never showed up. Dozens of times this has happened to me but this time for some reason it seemed unbearable. I got really angry and I wanted to cry. Standing there in the cold and my stomach growling in hunger. I could feel that stupid uneasy feeling creeping up and down my back and I couldn't make it go away. Years of disappointments and broken promises suddenly fizzed up in my memory. My head and eyes began to hurt. Why did I feel so bad?
I thought that things could be different. I thought that maybe I could make a change and have something that felt right in my life. I thought I could stop pretending to be happy and actually BE happy. But I was so wrong.
I had lost. Whatever war I had unawaringly waged against myself had been lost.
That's when I began to walk. I didn't even know where I was or where I was going. I was literally lost and my bus had disappeared off the face of the earth. I walked and walked until I started to cry. But no tears came. I think crying without tears has got to be the most uncomfortable type of crying a person can do. The wind whipped at my face and froze my lungs. I'll be damned if I get pneumonia again. It was getting darker and clouds had filled the sky. It seemed even the sun had given up on me. I took out my cell phone and pointlessly browsed through my phone book. There was no one to call. Not one person. No friends, no family. For a moment I almost had a feeling of what it felt like to be homeless. How could person live that way? No human should ever have to experience that type of life.
I continued wandering the streets looking for something or SOMEONE. Anyone. I wanted help so bad. But there was no one to ask. How come I don't have any real friends? How come I can't get close to my family? I just wanted someone to take me home. I felt like screaming, but if I did then I knew I would cry real tears. I didn't want to do that. I didn't want to reveal tears in public of my loss against myself. At least I could have control over that part of my life. The uneasy feeling spread throughout my body and I kept taking deep breaths to keep from crying. I don't know whats wrong with me but somehow I feel like I already knew I would reach this strange depressing point. I walked the streets until I came upon a bus stop with a familiar sign. I was frozen stiff by the time a bus arrived. Again, the bus driver told me that my bus pass was invalid for freeway transportation and that I would have to pay. I felt so sorry and bitter that I didn't even care about giving my last bit of change to the machine. I got on the bus and sat in the back again. I closed my eyes but didn't fall asleep. I wondered what I was going to eat when I got home. I didn't really have much to eat in my apartment.
When I got home I found one of my roommates and her boyfriend cuddled up on the couch watching a movie together in the living room. I felt terrible and went to my room and threw my raggedy purse on the floor. My head and eyes still hurt and I laid on my bed. I wondered what it would be like to have a real someone. Someone who cares enough. Someone who could've given me a ride home when my bus didn't show up. Just a friend. I wish I had real friends. I wish I could be closer to my family. I wish for a lot of things. But the only thing I know how to do is pretend.
Pretend I enjoy being alone. Pretend I love my job. Pretend my fake friends are real friends. Pretend I'm close with my family. Pretend tomorrow will be better. Just pretending that things will get better soon...

Crazy Thoughts

2008-12-17T16:00:00.001-08:00

Winter 2007

It's 3:30 in the morning right now......I'm SOOOOOO scared. How can I explain the word fear? I just had a horrible nightmare. Why do all of my nightmares seem so REAL? I've got the lights on because I'm still slightly afraid of the dark. I had a dream that I was living in the future. (I always have dreams about the end of the world!) I was going to the movies with my boyfriend. The movie theaters were built inside of an old, huge mansion. Somehow I got lost and separated from my boyfriend. I got stuck in this weird room with blue, white and gray furniture. The same color as the sky outside. I sat on the couch and called my mom on my cell phone because I couldn't find anyone to help me. I tried so hard to tell her that I was lost and that I needed some help but she just didn't take me seriously. She started telling me about all the fun things she was going to do over the weekend. I started yelling at her. For some reason I was losing all sensibility. That's when I realized that I was completely alone. No one was outside or in the movie theaters. Where did my boyfriend go?!

Fear, fear, fear. That's all I could feel. Fear is the greatest human emotion. It's even greater than love. I have never felt so lonely and scared in my life. I just had this crazy thought that someone was out to get me. The worse part is that I actually thought I was awake. It didn't feel like a dream. I started crying, singing and praying. I was just completely delirious.
Then I heard thunder and a strange muffled voice but I couldn't tell where it was coming from. Evil sounds were coming from all over the place. I lost contact with my mom on the phone.

Then he walked in. Pure evil. I've seen his face several times. It's not like he ever introduces himself. But you know how you can look at something or someone and already know who or what you're looking at? He's tall and stocky. He wore strange black clothing. His skin was gray and he had black unusual hair like no other race of people on this earth. But none of that scared me. It was his eyes. The darkest, blackest, most evil looking eyes I've ever seen in my life.
Has anyone out there ever looked into the eyes of evil? Or Satan? Sometimes I just live my life and forget that God or the devil even exist. Then I have crazy dreams like this and suddenly I'm on point again. Is this God's way of keeping me focused or something?
I swear I was looking into the eyes of the devil. He grinned at me. Does he know something I don't know? I just kept crying, singing and praying. Nothing really helped. I had the idea that he wanted to kill me.
Suddenly I got really angry. I yelled at him. I can't remember what I said. I lifted my hands in the air and just started yelling at him. I was all alone and there was no one there to save me except myself. I guess my brain figured that I had no choice and so I just got angry and started to yell in my defense. There was a strange piece of black furniture that appeared next to him. They both started to disappear. I could feel my fear slowly disappearing too......
Then suddenly I woke up. My heart was pounding like crazy and my body felt all stiff. Someone was standing near the foot of my bed. I tried to gain focus on whatever it was but it vanished when I moved.
Now I'm sitting in my room, with the lights on, typing this.....I don't want to go back to sleep........

If You Don't Have Anything Nice To Say, Don't Say Anything At All

2008-12-10T19:12:00.000-08:00

You know what I'm trying to teach myself? How to take "constructive criticism".

I've noticed that people at my job ALWAYS disagree with my thoughts and opinions. It's funny because I don't even talk that much at work. But my co-workers think I complain too much. At first I just ignored them because I thought, "What do they know?" F*ck 'em! But just last week I did a double take on myself. (If I don't keep myself in check who is?) It's almost winter time and I naturally tend to have a higher level of depression compared to the summer and spring.

So one night last week I got off work feeling restless and lost. I started to think to myself, "What if I am a negative person?" Do the things I say at work really rub people the wrong way? I know that I'm not perfect so there could be a possiblity that those idiots at my job are right about me. Constructive criticism is such a bitch.

About three days ago I decided to put myself to the test. I'm going to try and keep my verbal thoughts and opinions as positive as possible. (Notice that I used the word verbal; there's no way I could keep ALL my silent thoughts to myself positive.) I don't think this task will be too hard for me because I don't really talk to anyone anyway. As a matter of fact, I'm never the person who starts a conversation but I'm very good at ending them.

I never thought of myself as being a negative person but rather an extremely misunderstood person. Usually when I do say something at work it's because I like to hear what other people think. I'm not trying to make anyone irritated. What's even more strange to me is someone laughs at me because they think I'm telling a joke when actually I was trying to be serious. Everyone who knows me personally knows that my sense of humor is off and I can't tell a joke to save my life! I'm always one step behind it seems like. Maybe thats why I'm always dissatisfied with every job I've ever had. I don't work well in large groups of people. I get shy and nervous. Sometimes people speak over me or just simply ignore me. But whenever I do get a chance to speak on something I'm always mistaken for complaining.

For example: There is a cafeteria on the lower level of my hotel where I work. Now I could get anyone who works there to agree with me that the food isn't fit even for dogs. YES, that's how horrible the food is. It makes prison food look like a gourmet restaraunt.

So one day I decided to say something about it since no one else seemed to care. I have a sensitive stomach and I was getting tired of paying taxes on the garbage they served in the cafeteria. My co-workers and manager and I were having a meeting before we went downstairs for our lunch break. At the end of the meeting my manager asks if any of us have any questions. Of course, I raised my hand.

"How come we can't eat the same food we serve in the restaraunt?" I asked. "No one likes the food downstairs in the cafeteria - it's always old and never cooked right."

Some of my co-workers had a look of embarrassment on their faces and my manager turned red. Thats when I realized that I must have said something wrong. In all honesty, I wasn't trying to sound like a complaining bitch. I actually really wanted to know why we couldn't eat the food we served in the restaraunt. It always looked and smelled soooooo good!

"Well," my manager said. "The cooks in this hotel work very hard to prepare a menu for everyone everyday and unlike most jobs you should feel lucky to have a free meal here."

Lucky?! Is that why no one ever complained about the food? Because it's free?! (Which it wasn't because they charged us taxes on our pay checks.) After that incident I started to bring my own lunch from home on many occassions. Or sometimes eating a big meal before I start work and lasting until I go home at the end of the night.

But that was just one thing that fuels the fire. I believe the true reason for my displeasure is the fact that the majority of the people I work with are ignorant and they enjoy being modern day slaves and pleasing other people. Just yesterday when I was at work all they could talk about was having a merry Christmas and waiting for the stock market to raise back up. Don't they know that the market is going to crash?!! But of course if I were to voice this then someone would say that I was being "negative" and "close minded". Some folks just can't handle the truth.

So I guess I should take this as a lesson learned. I don't want to turn into a bitter, angry, bitch. So far I've been doing good with keeping my mouth shut and not agreeing or disagreeing with anyone at work. I don't dare say anything that might come off as being pessimistic. I only smile and daydream... Just like everybody else.

I Remember (poem)

2008-12-02T13:38:00.000-08:00

I remember the days when my father would hit me in the head and tell me I was stupid,

I remember the day when my dreams died forever,

I remember the day when my mother turned her back on me,

I remember the day when I realized I may never fall in love,

I remember the day when my brother striked me in the face with his fist,

I remember the day when I realized blood was never thicker than water,

I remember the day I cried alone in Kentucky,

I remember the day when I learned I could trust no one,

I remember the day when my mother wouldn't let me come home,

I remember the day when I was stranded alone in the streets,

I remember the days when my father called me a n*gga,

I remember the day when a friend stabbed me in the back

I remember the day when someone told me I wasn't beautiful,

I remember the day when I felt my heart break,

I remember the day when part of my soul died...So many days....

I remember the day when....I remember the day when...

Tell me why do I remember all the wrong days?...

written 11-15-06

Not Today (poem)

2008-12-01T18:42:00.000-08:00

I don't feel like pleasing anyone today.

I don't feel like apologizing or trying to make up for any wrong thing I've done in the past.

I should really stop myself. I should run away and see how far I get before I get scared....It scares me just thinking about it.

Thinking about now, and how I'm going to worm my way out of a mess that gets me dirty and keeps everyone else clean.

I don't feel like giving my all or putting on a face so others can put faces on for me.

I don't feel like smiling because everyone else is smiling. Or laughing because everyone else is laughing.

Can I scream instead?

If I reacted to every gut feeling and instinct that came into my body I'd be too free to contain myself. If I stopped putting on a mask to please other people I could do almost anything I wanted. And right now I don't feel like adding up to other people and their worthless expectations.

I should stop myself, I really should. I guess I'd better start running away until I get scared...It excites me just thinking about it.

written 11/15/04

wHaT LoVe (expression)

2008-12-01T18:20:00.000-08:00

Do you know what makes me feel funny? Feel nervous and lame? In a way I almost feel afraid and embarrassed. But it's love. I have never been in love but I think about it a lot. Never held hands or kissed someone on the lips. How embarrassed I feel. Will I ever find someone? Or even get married? I dream of a perfect relationship but there is no such thing as perfect in this world. I am certainly not perfect. I don't attract hopefuls in any incredible fashion. I am just simply, mediocre and average.

What does it feel like to hold hands with a person who loves you? What is the exact meaning of a kiss? Will love ever choose simple, average, mediocre me? I can't imagine someone looking into my eyes and saying, " I love you". Those words are rarely spoken to me to begin with. I would be too timid and extremely shy to say those three precious words to anyone.

I think that I may be scared of love. But why? No man has loved me before or even tried to love me. I must be dreadfully invisible for none have ever approached me in any romantic way. But I must admit that deep down inside I secretly long for him. Whoever it may be that I might have. It's a terrible feeling to be lonely and wonder if I might be this way for the rest of my life.

Could someone love me?!

I wouldn't tell anyone; I'd keep it a secret. And maybe, just maybe if I'm brave enough, I'd whisper those three precious words back to him.

written 7/24/04

Asking (poem)

2008-12-01T18:04:00.000-08:00

I hate asking; I'm always asking for things. I can't ask God, I can't ask my mom, I can't ask my dad. Because then they would get mad at me and make me feel selfish for asking. Make me look stupid like a baby because I can't get things for myself.

That's why I'm always asking.

There is always an excuse; never a straight forward "yes". And I expect it so why do I ask?
Because I have no choice and there are certain things I cannot go without. But why these people? Why isn't there someone I can ask and not be denied, not feel selfish?

I hate asking but I have to.
But I won't ask forever. One day it will stop and they'll be asking me instead...

written 7/22/04

Back to Writing Again

2008-11-30T12:01:00.000-08:00

So I haven't made a video on Youtube in a couple weeks. I'm really tired and I've developed a cough. So as soon as this cough goes away I'll be making some more vids. I'm actually just using this as a test run because I'm still not familiar with how to work this website. I'm wondering if I can upload my videos on here - I have no idea. This is definately a work in progess.