Drops of Mercury

People! Can I get Five Minutes of SANITY in this zoo!?

2007-02-06T10:45:00.000-06:00

So, my life has been spinning out of control at a rapid pace for the past two weeks and I am freaking loving it.

I really can't even explain everything that has went on, but suffice to say, I'm in love, I'm engaged (and HAPPY about it....go figure, me, Miss I'm-Never-Getting-Married), I have two incredible me n in my life who give me the strength I need to face everything that comes my way, and I have managed to freaking plow through issues from my past.

It's difficult to explain without writing a freaking novel on the subject, but here's the quick version...

Mark & I met on uRO via a friend of mine. We wound up in the same guild, started talking, became friends, and the next thing we know, we're madly in love. And, well, it's just...a complete nutfest.

It's strange, and it's...it's this incredible feeling of everything being right, like this is exactly what my life was supposed to be. It's absolutely amazing, and I've never been happier in my life.

Aaand if I don't save this now...'cause I'm rebooting my PC, I'll lose it, like I've lost the last 6 entries I've tried to do. So, yes, that's a brief update on my life.

I'll be writing more in a bit.

To make a long story short..

2007-01-04T04:47:00.000-06:00

A lot has happened in the past few weeks. I got a Nintendo DS for Christmas, clear back on December 1st. We had to give up my brother to his dad on the 22nd of December, then we spent about a week at Dan's parents for Christmas.

When we came home, my cat was gone. It's a long story involving my cousin being a fucking bitch & her husband being a godamn idiot even though I was doing them both a huge favor, but, I'd rather not talk about it. Suffice to say, I'm heartbroken and trying my damnedest to just let go and move on.

Easier said than done when you love your cat as much as I do, but hey.

The worst part is feeling like it's my fault. It's not, I know that...but I feel like it's Karma. I got my DS (something I've wanted a long time), and I lost my cat (something I love). Adam feels the same way, because he finally got his computer for Christmas.

I don't know. I just feel kinda' empty...but...I can't explain it. I just miss him...

I love you, Gohan. I hope you're okay, wherever you may be.

And, once again, I am editing song-lyrics to fit my personal needs, so, here we go!

Seems like it was yesterday that I saw your face...
If only I knew what I know today..

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again

I'm sorry for blaming you
And I've hurt myself
By hurting you

Some days I feel broke inside
But I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna' hide
'Cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye
When it comes to this

Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?

There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes
And see you looking back

I'm sorry for blaming you
And I've hurt myself
By hurting you

If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away...

I'm sorry for...blaming you....

And I've hurt myself...

By hurting you.

Some fucking Christmas.

grumbles

2006-11-22T06:44:00.000-06:00

Well, it would appear that I'm a failure, heh.

NaNoWriMo is shaping up to be a disaster for me, even though I busted my ass all through October to try to make sure I'd succeed.

I still have hope, seeing as how I have 8 days left, but who knows. I may just faile after all.

And of course, blogging has been basically non-existant. I really need to work on that, heh.

In other news, I got some new ideas for my zine (Yes, I'm still doing that "zine thing"), and I'm taking up Yoga.

I'm also looking into some various religions, instead of trying to focus on just one. I figure that I can take principals from everything and apply them. I mean, why not?

In other news, I've got a lot of dishes to do, I have to help mom make Thanksgiving dinner, and I have a novel to write. Hopefully I'll be posting quite a bit more after November is over.

Bloody blinkin' hell..

2006-11-03T23:52:00.000-06:00

So, about two weeks ago, I trie dto make an entry in my blog via Flock's blogging tool. No go.

By the time I tried to repost it, 99.9% of the crap in it was totally incorrect so, I said screw it.

So, here's what's up.

WoWing away. Ittsy is now level 53, almost 54.

Trying to keep Adam and I together, and it's not going as well as I'd like.

Working on NaNoWriMoing, but coming up with *nothing*.

Stressing.

Big surprise, right?

Voila. And that is that.

I'm going to go back to plotting the novel. >.< Hopefully this November doesn't kill me.

-_- I'm such a failure at life

2006-10-11T11:24:00.000-05:00

Alright, so much for blogging consistantly and constantly. *sigh* I tried, I really did.

It probably seems like nothing goes on in my life. Ha. Not quite.

There is plenty to talk about, but the problem is that it's either all random mindless stuff going on in my family, which usually deppresses me and usually makes for some pretty shitty, deppressing entries, OR.....

Stuff about my net-life. Which usually consists of where I surfed today, who I talked to (which for the most part is usually Darren or Manda, and is usually pretty dramatic, too), or you know, stuff that happened in World of WarCraft, and you know...that's that.

Generally living online doesn't bother me. It's really not bad. Sometimes, though, when you're staring at your blog, which you've spent hours and hours designing and creating, and realizing that it's absolutely ueseless. It wears on you.

See, and here we go with drama! So, I'm going to go now and try to figure out something spiffy to write.

-Manda

Blogged with Flock

Mini LAN Party!

2006-10-04T05:15:00.000-05:00

So, it's a pretty well-known fact that my mom's place turns into a mini-LAN party on Friday nights. Well, this time, it was bigger than, well, ever, as far as I know.

The usual crew consists of:
My mom, my step-dad (Dan), my brother (Mikey), my boyfriend (Adam), & I (We DO live here)
My cousins, Jay & Charlie
And my best friend (aside from my Manda <3), Justin, who is also one of my cousin Jay's best friends (if it tells you anything, he went to our family reunion with us)

This time, though, we had several other folks around!
Michael, Justin's future step-father
Ben, one of Justin & Jay's best friends, and also the guy I've been crushing on for months and months (long story, but this entry I made when I figured it out sums it up)
and Troy, a friend of the family of sorts, who has apparently LOST HIS FUCKING MIND, but we won't go there

Ben came down from where he's going to college and brought his laptop and whatnot, and of course, Jay brought his computer, "Beast", as he always does, so the usual five computer household turned into a 7 PC household for the weekend: HELL YES.

(Ben & Jay....Jay, apparently, is having some, ah, issues...)

We LAN'd our asses off on WarCraft 3, got in some World of WarCraft time, and all around just had a blast.

On Sunday, we even made time for the trampoline!

(From Bottom Left, Clockwise: Charlie, Mikey, Ben, Jay, and Adam (who's hidden behind Jay))

(From Left To Right: Ben (hidden behind Jay), Jay, Adam, and Justin)

(Jay watching Justin bouncing Ben around like a freaking ping-pong ball, buahaha!)

(Me, Mikey, & Charlie...I was bouncing them, yaye!)

(Mikey, Charlie, & I --- they're trying to bounce/tackle me)

All in all, it was a rightous weekend. It's nice to see that there is, apparently, a change of pace in my life. For the past few months, lots of great, exciting things have been happening, and even though some of them aren't "super important" (for example, this weekend), they're all really great experiences.

Though, apparently, I still can't think about some of them without bursting into tears. I have seriously got to work on that.

Blogged with Flock

Hrmm...

2006-09-28T21:26:00.000-05:00

So, it occurs to yours truly that I use my blog as more of a journal than a blog. I generally only post when something worthwhile happens...instead of everday.

WTF, a blog is supposed to be filled with the mindless shit that makes up my day! Why haven't I been utilizing my poor blog properly?

Honestly? I dunno.

So, I'm going to fix it!

Be prepared for random photo's, updates on what kind of mail I get, and various other shit.

I mean, hell, why freakin' not?

Blogged with Flock

Trial & Error.

2006-09-23T12:04:00.000-05:00

Buah.

Trying out a new browser that's built around socialization and interwebbers stuff: Flock.

It has built in Photo-pulling from PhotoBucket & Flickr (which is kick ass because those are the two that I use), Blogging tools built-in (which I'm testing), and other kinky shit that makes me have joygasm's because it's right up my little net-geek alley.

So, this is merelya test. No one have a shitfit.

-Manda

Blogged with Flock

It's About Time.

2006-09-15T14:59:00.000-05:00

As we all know, my apron strings are not only still firmly in place, they're fucking double knotted, sewn together, and wrapped around me like I'm some kind of fishing pole.

Don't get me wrong, this isn't all my mom's fault, and honestly, I'm grateful to her for helping me and carrying me as long as she has.

But it's time to be out on my own. It's time to either sink or swim---on my own.

So, Adam and I are moving to St. Louis, hopefully at the end of January.

I'm very frightened, not because I think we're going to faile, but because I'm going to be six hours away from my mom and brother. Mikey is the most important person in the world to me, followed by Manda, Adam, & Mom. You do the math. Two of the four most important people in my world are going to be six hours away >.< Yeah, that's right. I'm nervous as hell about how freaky I'm going to get without my brother.

On the bright side --- I will be closer to Manda!

And just to assure everyone now: No, Manda is NOT the reason I'm moving. She plays a part in it, but I'v ethought about moving to St. Louis since I was 13, and have badgered my mom about it for years. She wouldn't budge. Well, I've been a legal adult for over a year now. It's time to start living my own life.

I will admit, Manda's visit did help inspire some of this, because when I was with her, I realized I had to start doing the things that I want to do, regardless of the consequences.

Chopping off all my hair and having to accept that no matter what it looked like, I was stuck with it, was very terrifying, and it really nudged me forward.

Money's going to be tight, and it's going to be scary learning to balance everything and keeping it all together, but I honestly believe I'm capable of doing it.

I mean, for crying out loud, I'm an intelligent adult, if I can't handle it, then I need shot in the damned head.

So, yes, hopefully, in the next 5 months, yours truly will be in St. Louis.

Wish me luck, boys and girls.

-Manda

I Miss You...

2006-09-12T03:28:00.000-05:00

So, I'm sitting here in tears.

Manda just signed off for the night...and yeah...I just miss her so much more than I htought I would.

Don't get me wrong, I missed her so much last night....but just....yeah, just talking to her tonight and stuff, it's just like...godamnit....

I know we can't be together, and I know she's so far away...and I know I just have to accept that.

But part of me wants to do everything I can to move my happy ass to St. Louis and then beg her to be with me.

But that would be the most selfish thing I could ever do. And it'd be so freakin' unbelievably wrong, it's not even funny. She has dreams, she has goals, I can't hold her back from thos ethings.

I don't want to hold her back, that's the last thing I'd ever want to do. I just love her so much, and I Just wish...things could be like they were forever.

She's just the most amazing person in the world, and I love her more than....just more than I ever thought I could.

Four years ago....I didn't have a fucking clue what I was getting myself into. And I'm really, really glad I didn't. It'd been such an adventure with Manda. We've went through so much together and the love between us is just amazing beyond all reason.

I love her so much, and I always will, no matter what. She's my baby girl, and nobody can ever take that away from us.

Now, I'm going to go lay on the trampoline and stare at the stars for awhile.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

"I'm counting the signs, and cursing the miles in between....oh....but home....is a feeling I buried in you, that I buried in you......I'm alright, I'm alright...it only hurts when I breathe, I'm alright, I'm alright....it only hurts when I breathe..." - Melissa Etheridge, Breathe

-Manda

It Only Took 4 Years.

2006-09-10T23:03:00.000-05:00

Anyone who reads this blog knows, or SHOULD know about my best friend / ex-girlfriend, Manda. We've known eachother for almost four years (It'll be four years as of October 21st), and we've been through hellacious ammounts of shit together.

But, every time we planned to meet, something got in the way. Until now.

We'd been making plans for awhile for her to come down here the weekend after my birthday, but we were still holding our breath, knowing that usually, our plans got thwarted.

Well, this time, they didn't.

Friday evening, Mom & I drove to Hollister, Missouri, about a little over an hour from our place, to meet Manda. She was driving down from St. Louis, where she attends college, and we didn't want her to get lost in the backass Arkansas woods, so we were meeting here there, and then Mom was going to drive back, and I was going to drive with Manda and navigate.

It worked out perfectly =D

Manda & I were talking on the phone as Mom & I arrived, and Mom saw her before I did, and like, as we pulled into the parking lot, I DOVE out of the Aztec and ran to meet her. We were in an insta-hug!

Trying to detail out every single detail would take me like....a whole lot of stress, because I need to write it in my journal anyways, and I'm kind of bumming because she left a few hours ago, and like....I don't want to focus too much on everything right now, but it was absolutely amazing. Better than I ever thought it could be.

We've loved eachother for years and yeah..we just can't be together. It'd be great, but both of us have our lives to live, but it was still awesome getting to see eachother, because whether we can be together or not, we're still best friends, and the love between us is amazing, and it's just....awesome.

But...anyways...for details...

Yesterday we went out and we were planning to get our noses pierced and get my hair cut, and as we were leaving, Adam handed me money and was like "Do you want your birthday present? Are you going to be brave about it?" and I said "Huh?" and he said "Go get your tatto."

So, we got to Wild Child's, which is the tatto place our family goes to because the owner, Wild Child, has been a family friend for YEARS and YEARS, since we first moved to Arkansas when I was 3, and there is just no one else I'd have trusted that much.

The tatto Adam was referring to is the Butterfly tatto I've had planned for years...since around the time I met Manda.

It's based off of Jimmy Eat World's song "For Me This Is Heaven". There's a line that says "Can you still feel the butterflies?" and I used the butterflies to remind me of another line in the song: "If I don't let myself be happy now then when."

I got them on the inside of my left forearm, because I see that part of my body a lot, and it's a constant reminder.

There are also other meanings attatched to it now, but yes...anyways........

Manda's always known about that one....so it was awesome having her there holding my hand while I got it done. *laughs* There are three butterflies, which are, histarically enough, modeled after the butterflies on Manda's car-seat covers (they were the exact type of butterflies I wanted, and I didn't have a picture, so we took a picture of Manda's car-seat covers, lol). They are, starting from the top, teal, purple, and pink. (^-^)

It didn't hurt like I thought it would. It seriously was not bad at all, and I can't wait to get my other tatto's done.

Manda decided she didn't want to get pierced after all, so then we went to get my hair cut.

I was more nervous about getting my hair lopped off than I was about getting inked, lol.

But....I took printed pictures of Questionable Content's Faye (my favorite character) that Manda had printed out for me 'cause I was out of ink, showed them to the beautician, and voila. My hair is poofed.

Here is the proof:

There goes my ass-length hair.

Then we came home and yes....things were just awesome. *big smile*

Now, I'm off to dye my hair and cry my eyes out.

I miss her like hell.

-Manda

Oh. P.S. As of the 7th, I'm 19. WTF! I'm working on 20 O.O

Lay Me Down...

2006-08-31T20:34:00.000-05:00

Lay Me Down by The Wreckers

You let me in 'cause after all
It seemed like the right thing to do
I closed my eyes and let you fall
I wonder what you could possibly know
about breaking down that door

It's been a while
Since I begged for anything
But now I want more

So lay me down
I'm lonely
You don't understand me
And you never even tried to anyway

I hear you say, "Its not the same.
I'm sorry, its something I just can't explain."
So shut your mouth and hold me close
We both know its better then being alone

I don't mind
Killin time
As long as I can see it in your eyes

So lay me down
I'm lonely
You don't understand me
And you never even tried

If wanting you is wrong
Ihen I'm wrong I'll admit it
Time after time
You realize you don't mean it

So lay me down
I'm lonely
You don't understand me
And you never even tried

I'm sorry
Lay me down
I'm lonely
Lay me down

You don't understand me
And you never even tried to anyway

------------------------------

Ladies and gents, meet my new theme song.

I'll give you one guess as to why.

sigh

2006-08-26T04:33:00.000-05:00

Bob Franke - Hard Love

I remember growing up like it was only yesterday
Mom and Daddy tried their best to guide me on my way
But the hard times and the liquor drove the easy love away
And the only love I knew about was hard love

It was hard love every hour of the day
When Christmas to my birthday was a million miles away
And the fear that came between them drove the tears into my play
There was love in daddy's house, but it was hard love

I recall the gentle courtesy you showed me as I tried
To dissemble in politeness all the love I felt inside
And for every song of laughter was another song that cried
This ain't no easy weekend, this is hard love

It was hard love every step of the way
Hard to be so close to you, so hard to turn away
And when all the stars and sentimental songs dissolved to day
There was nothing left to sing about but hard love

So I love you for your courage and your gentle sense of shame
And I love you for your language and your laughter and your name
And I knew it was impossible but I loved you just the same
Though the only love I gave to you was hard love

It was hard love, it was hard on you, I know
When the only love I gave to you was love I couln't show
You forgave the heart that loved you as your lover turned to go
Leaving nothing but the memory of hard love

Now I'm standing in this phone booth with a dollar and a dime
Wondering what to say to you to ease your troubled mind
For the Lord's cross might redeem us but our own just waste our
time
And to tell the two apart is always hard love

So I'll tell you that I love you even though I'm far away
I'll tell you how you change me as I live from day to day
How you help me to accept myself, and I won't forget to say
Love is never wasted even when it's hard love

It's hard love, but it's love all the same
Not the stuff of fantasy, but more than just a game
And the only kind of miracle that's worthy of the name
For the love that heals our lives is mostly hard love

*hides in her corner* Please don't let me be broken...

-Manda

Choices, Choices...

2006-08-25T19:30:00.000-05:00

Well, last night was, to say the least, interesting as all hell.

Matt and Heather are moving today and Matt was working on packing and whatnot so we weren't really suppose to see eachother the rest of the weekend after we talked a bit early last night. Which, was a bummer 'cause, you know, I'll miss him. But, I figured it would give me time to kick back and go over everything that's happened in the last week.

So, I started talking to Manda, because, hey, she's my best friend, and frankly, at this point, it felt like she was the one person I could tlak to who wouldn't judge me or chew my ass. (Yaye for my mother being lovingly judgemental.)

After lots of talks and Manda being her wonderful self, I decided it was time to talk to my mom about everything I've been feeling. *sigh*

It started off kinda' rocky, but it turned out very well. We talked about my past and things that were hurting me, stuff like that. Though she's kind of opposed to the whole Matt 'n Heather thing because of what a mess I am.

Talking to her really helped. Towards the end of the conversation, I went over to my computer to have her listen to "All That We Let In" by the Indigo Girls, and *gasp* my Matt was back on! (^-^)

So I went from crying to happy in about 2.8 seconds and was bouncy and stuff, and just yeah....Mom read the lyrics, and I told her, "I keep reminding myself of what the song says, that you know.....yes it could hurt me, but running from love is...."

Mom: "Futile."
Me: "Exactly. And yeah, I should probably do the smart thing and run like hell from Matt and just get my shit together.."
Mom: "But since when do we do the smart thing when it comes to our hearts?"
Me: "Precisely, and for the first time in years, I feel like there's some hope for getting rid of my past and just moving the hell on. I feel like you know....I can let go. I can get rid of it."
Mom: "Whatever makes you happy, Red. I love you no matter what."

Then I went to IM Manda about it, 'cause I was very excited at how well the evening was turning out....and I see this away message:

"out! if you need anything, call/text. that means you, amanda <3"

And it just hit me. Bamn.

I have THE greatest best friend in the history of womankind. Two great guys who absofuckinglutely love me, and who I love like nuts. I've got a crush on a gorgeous girl who seems to like me, too. I've got a kick ass little brother who, while he can be a pain sometimes, is one of the most awesome people I've had the pleasure of knowing, and a mother who, while she may not be orthodox, loves me no matter what a fruitcake I am. Sure, we've had our problems, and yet we've come through it closer than ever.

I'm okay. Yes, I've been hurt to hell and back in the past, but guess what? If I don't stop letting fear and pain rule me, I'm going to be a miserable basket case.

And I'm going to hurt myself more, and the people that love me, and I'm going to ruin everything.

Fuck that.

And those were my exact words to Mom & Manda: "Fuck it."

And I said it using different words to Matt, but he was ecstatic.

So, there ya' go. I'm making the concious choice to let go of all the pain, all the fear. It's not going to do me any good. yes I'm scared of being hurt. Yes, it really is frightening to risk my heart, but I need to. I need to take the chance.

-Manda

No More Angst!

2006-08-25T02:13:00.000-05:00

This is IT! No more god damned son of a bitchin' angst.

I'm going to be happy, period.

I've got so many awesome people in my life, and frankly, life itself isn't that bad, so you know what? Screw it! What the hell is the point in being messed up and miserable!? There isn't one!

I'm letting it go. It can't hurt me unless I let it. Well godamnit, I'm not letting it!!!

I'm going to be happy! (^-^)

No matter what.

-Manda

The Other Side...

2006-08-24T04:18:00.000-05:00

It's been a long time since I've been really open or honest in my blog....generally I'm kind of cryptic or only talk about things which won't seem dramatic....things I can't be judged for.

It's rather funny, the older I've gotten, the MORE insecure I've gotten, I 'spose. Though you'd be hard pressed to get me to admit that to any living soul.

But...I'm tired of not saying what I want to say here. I'm tired of feeling like it's a danger to me in some way to say what's really in my head, in my heart. And as I write this, I can feel tears stinging behind my eyes, my brain fuzzy.

There are some things I want so desperately to say here, but I'll never be able to because they are things that must never, ever be found.

And then there are things that I'm just god damned afraid to admit to.

It's been a damned long time....since I let new people into my world. Nick has wormed his way in somehow as a good friend, but we're not that close, even though he knows quite a bit about me, but before that, Adrian and Ree were as close as it got. Ray and I cared about eachother.....but I never shared certain things with him.

How could I? I'd just been broken by Adrian and I was hurting because of Ree.

Letting people in...I have found...is apparently no longer my strong point. I had noticed for quite some time that I no longer helped people in the manner I use to, constantly being a shoulder for those in need, but what I didn't realize is how closed off I had become in every way.

I....did not realize what had happened to me until I came back from Texas. I came back numb. And I couldn't figure out why. I should have hurt so badly because of what happened (those of you who need to know, do). But I didn't. I didn't feel anything except confused.

Why couldn't I feel? Why didn't I hurt?

And why in God's name didn't I love Adam anymore?

That's how I felt. I felt like I didn't love him. Like I didn't love anybody anymore. Like I could no longer feel anything.

It's been that way for weeks. And god help me, I wasn't sure it would ever go away.

Which really scared me. I should have been crying my eyes out, but in all those weeks, I only cried twice. TWICE.

I should have cried a thousand times. I should have been able to process the pain, but I couldn't.

Then I met Matt a few days ago...on the 18th.

And he has, in a word, turned my world upside down. Or maybe right side up, I'm not quite sure.

Of all places, I was hanging out in #QC (The IRC channel for my favorite webcomic, Questionable Content), and we were all talking about music, and I and 'this guy' were debating about some things. It started off as a debate about who was more brilliant: Freddie Mercury or Kurt Cobain. Or should I say, was Kurt as brilliant as Freddie. I was all for Kurt being just as brilliant. He was not, but then again, he doesn't even like Nirvana. (WTF?)

So...it lead to basically some debates about life and stuff, and one of the mod's asked us to take it to privage message, so we did. And then we started to get to know eachother, and well....

He and I are very similar in a lot of ways, and yet very, very different. Though our lives are oddly similar. He and his beautiful wife, Heather, met online a few years ago, and she moved from the States to Australia to be with him. Quite sweet, no? They're also polyamorous! O.O It was odd enough that he knew what the word meant when I mentioned Adam and I being so, but let alone that he and Heather actually *are*. But, yes, he's absolutely brilliant. Intelligent, a music lover, just, absolutely awesome.

By the end of our conversation, things had went fairly interesting.

And I started to feel again.

I really, really liked him, and it was obvious he liked me, too.

That afternoon, Gram had a heart attack and I went into an immediate panic attack. It didn't end until I went to sleep that night, even after seeing her. When I saw her, I just started crying and could not stop. And once I left her room, I cried so hard...I was so relieved.

More feelings. More emotions.

Oh God, yes, I'd been feeling things like guilt and confusion from Texas, but now I was feeling the hurt.

And the insecurity.

I didn't see Matt for a couple of days because apparently his internet is satan incarnate. Hurrah, dialup!

So, roughly two days later, I got up at two in the morning to go to the bathroom. Well, I walked by my computer and was like "What the hell, why not?"

Lo and behold, he's on, and he explains. And we get to talking some more. And there it goes, even more feelings, even more attatchment.

And I'm starting to realize why I went numb. If I hadn't, I'd have lost it. Because at this point, I feel like my heart is a piece of marble that's been chissled over and over, and there is only a tiny pebble left.

And I'm broken and scared.

Monday, the 21st, I told him that....I explained why...I was scared of him. Why....even though we have this fucking amazing connection, I'm utterly terrified of him. Everything that's happened that has gotten me to the point that I feel broken.

And he understood, god love him. Of course he did, he's absolutely amazing and wonderful.

He even said it would make sense for him to back off and give me space and not risk anything, but and I quote, "God help me, I don't want to."

And I didn't want him to either, as scared as I was.

Then, early Tuesday nightwe were talking....and it came around to how he made me feel...and I knew what I was thinking, but there was no way in this god given world I was going to say it. I made a promise to myself not to say it first to anybody, and I also had sworn to myself I was not going to fall for him. Just, no.

But....we walked around it...niether of us saying it, but both of us knowing it was hanging between us. And I started freaking out....

Telling him I was scared, that I wanted to, but I couldn't and just absolutely coming unglued. After awhile he asked if he could call and I said yes, and I tried to keep myself under control and dry my tears as we started talking but within a few minutes I was sobbing, and we were talking, basically, about my psychoticness, as I call it. Basically...you know....how I could get through it, it'd just take time, and lots of help....and Matt told me...he was willing to help me *blushes* And that I'd be alright. And after awhile, I asked him why on earth he bothered with me, and he said because he wanted to, he wouldn't do it if he didn't want to. And I said "But why on earth would you WANT to bother with a headcase like me?" And I was not expecting his answer.

"I guess, I love you."

And then one of the wierdest things I've ever experienced in my life happened. I went into a panic attack and started sobbing.

Why one would start sobbing when a devestatingly wonderful man that one is crazy about says "I love you", is beyond me. I'm a fucking idiot.

Matt, of course, god love him, just told me "Manda, it's okay" and I tried so hard to get it out...and I told him "No, it's not okay", and finally I was able to choke out a very pitiful "I love you, too."

And....then well..*blush* Things have been quite wonderful. I mean...I'm happier than I've been in, well, god, forever.

And on top of Matt being absolutely wonderful and amazing and....sucking me into the point that I can't say no to him about anything *laugh* His very, very gorgeous, very sweet wife has a crush on me. (Which is most definately mutual.)

I mean, something this wonderful hasn't happened to me in forever.

Everything is just falling into place beautifully. He can read me like an open book, which....I've only ever met a very small handful of people who could do that, and just....it's wonderful. I'm absolutely crazy about him, I mean, my god's.....I manage to feel again, and it's to fall madly in love, and to feel a whirlwind of fear and neurosis and pain.

I mean, I am so fucking terrified, it's not even funny. That's why it was so hard to...to admit I loved him and to hear it from him....because I am so scared that I'm going to get broken again, but....what else can I do?

I can't just run. I have to take the risk. And god help me, he's worth it.

Even if it breaks me when, if..he hurts me....he's worth it. Every minute with him is like the most wonderful thing in the world. I've never....fallen so fast for anyone, especially not online.

Just immediately there was this amazing connection like nothing I've ever felt before, except with Adam.

I'm just...trying to accept that he loves me and be okay and just trying to say "It'll be okay, it'll be okay", and it's hard, and I'm scared. I love him so much and I am so scared.

But I have to try. For him.

And in a way, for me.

*points up* And most awesome couple of the year award goes tooo....*blush* Isn't Matt absolutely gorgeous? *stupid girly giggles* And Heather is just *dies* so beautiful.

The Lyrics Running Through My Head:

"And I wonder, when I sing a long with you, if everything could ever be this real for ever, if anything could ever be this good again?" - Foo Fighters, Everlong

"Dust in our eyes our own boots kicked up, heartsick we nurse along the way we picked up, you may not see it when it's sticking to your skin, but we're better off for all that we let in." - Indigo Girls, All That We Let In

"It was was hard love, every step of the way. Hard to be so close to you, so hard to turn away..." - Bob Franke, Hard Love

"Oh, I do believe, in all the see, what comes is better, then what came before....and you'd better come, come, come, come to me, better come, come, come, come, come to me, better run, run, run, run, run, to me, better run...." - Cat Power, I Found A Reason

"And this is what she says get's her through it: 'If I don't let myself be happy now, then when?" - Jimmy Eat World, For Me This Is Heaven

Shine - My Current Playlist, which basically has all the songs that remind me of Matt right now, or at least...how I feel.

*hides under a rock* Who knew happiness could scare me so badly?

-Manda

sigh Activity. IN MY LIFE?

2006-08-22T12:51:00.000-05:00

So some things have happened that I suppose I really should talk about, even though some of them are things I wish I could forget.

#1 - I'm skipping this semester. It's all around easier for and better for my family, myself, and my grades. So, I'm doing what i feel is best for my career.

#2 - On August 18th, my grama had a heart attack and almost died. Now, as anyone who knows me or has read my blog knows...my grama and I generally don't get along. Sometimes she can be very cool, but a lot of the time she's a heinous bitch. All of that aside, I love her. She still has a good heart somewhere in her and for that I was terrified of losing her.

But, thankfully, by the time Mom, Dan, Adam, & I arrived at the hospital (about an hour and a half after Gram had been takent here mid-attack by Tim, my cousin's husband)....she was already out of surgery and doing wonderful. (They did an emergency catherization on her.)

I was basically in one long panic attack from the minute I was told, until well, I went to sleep that night. It just didn't end. Even when I saw her, it didn't go away. It lessened only slightly, because I was finally able to cry. I started crying when I saw her, but as I was leaving her room after talking to her for a bit and telling her how much she scared us and I love her.....I started sobbing. I couldn't stop.

We were only allowed back 3 at a time, and Mom and went with my aunt and my aunt's boyfriend beforehand, so when I went back, it was Dan, Adam, & I. And as I was walking back to where Mom was waiting for us, I was sobbing, and Mom asked me why I was crying and I just said "I'm just so fucking thankful she's okay."

This is....saying a lot considering how very often my grandmother and I have issues...but she really is a good person, she's just very, very fucked up. And honestly, I know why. Psychologically, I know exactly why she has become the person she has due to the circumstances in her life. But, she also has made choices to allow it to continue. My mom should be some kind of prostitute doing mass ammounts of drugs by the way her life has been, but she's not because she chose not to me. My grama could make different choices, but she doesn't, and I just love her anyways. 'Cause, ya' know, what else do you do?

#3 - Well, I don't want to say too much because...it's still too soon. But once again, your struly has apparently gotten into the knack of making friends again. And, maybe, possibly...something a little farther than friends. Been awhile since *that's* happened, no? So..I'm not saying too much for now, but basically I've been walking around giddy and stupid. Woot. It's nice to have some new friends, especially ones I can be close to...and other things are always nice, too (^-^)

-Manda

Catastrophe = Epiphany?

2006-08-15T14:17:00.000-05:00

So, I've decided to take this little horror story of mine and turn it into something good. I decided to quit bugging over what I lost and just decided "you know what, let's get the shit that was really, really important, and let's just start over."

Some interesting things have happened since. I've decided to quit stressing over my 80billion projects and to just focus on school and one or two things. So far, I haven't really worked on anything but getting stuff for my new toy and rebuilding my music collection.

I spent the past three days re-reading the entire QC archive and rebuilding my music collection. Oh, and obsessing over the new toy...

So what is the new toy?

The z22 Palm

That is my brithday/anniversary present from Adam. Pretty spiffy, huh? (^-^) I've been getting lots of games and ebooks for it, though it hasn't gotten here, yet. (It's out for delivery as we speak! *jig*)

I'm also going to be able to put some of my textbooks on it as well, which will save me some $$. Hurray.

So, anyways...that's what's up. I'm going to be revamping the blog here shortly so that it reflects my personality a little better, yaye.

So anyways, I'm off.

I start school in less than a week.

Adam and I's 3 year anniversary is in two weeks.

My birthday is in like, three weeks.

Voosh.

-Manda

o.O Why am I not surprised? hehe

2006-08-11T06:31:00.000-05:00

So....like i mentioned, my hard drive died. This hard drive had basically all the contents of my life on it, so I was pretty bummed. I still am, but not too badly because I've managed to recover some stuff from old drives, the net, etc.

There was one thing that *will not* be able to be pulled from the drive, period, though.

And that's my music. Which I have a shitload of.

Well, I knew I had my Grunge-Alternative folder on Adam's Linux Box from when we had it out in our trailer, and I knew I had a few country songs there too and whatnot, but in general, I was still feeling sorry for myself, lol.

So, I was re-making my music folder on a different drive, and basically feeling sorry for myself and when I started Winamp I decided to add *everything* to it, because I figured "Fuck it, I don't have that much music anymore anyways".

Surprisingly, when I added the whole "My Music" folder....375 songs were there.

Apparently, my Grunge-Alternative folder is a wee bit bigger than I thought. (But considering I have probably 40 Nirvana songs alone, that's not saying much).

So, I had to see just *how* big...so I added just the Grunge-Alternative folder.....289 songs O.O So, I would have to say if I wanted one folder saved, that would be it. Not just because there are so many songs in it, but because Grunge is my favorite type of music for those of you who are completely oblivious, and yeah....when I started pullings songs off my MP3 player for salvage and realized I only had one Sonic Youth song on there, I almost cried, ROFL >.<

Anyways! Thank GOD that folder was saved.

I'd die without my Nirvana.

Wow...

2006-08-09T05:33:00.000-05:00

So a lot has transpired the past few days. And I do mean 'a lot'.

On the 6th, Mom and I went to see Heart, which was absolutely and completely amazing. I even got the Bassist & secondary guitarist's autographs afterwords!!

The show was phenomenal though, ESPECIALLY if you consider just how long Heart's been doing this and how old Ann & Nancy are getting. No, I'm not trying to be prejudiced based on age, what I'm saying is that if I can sing like Ann can when I'm over 50 years old, I will consider it one of the greatest and most amazing blessings that God has ever given me. We all know I take pride in my voice and I love to sing, and for those of you who don't know --- Ann Wilson's voice is the one I'd want if I could have any woman alive's voice. She has the MOST AMAZING VOICE EVER, and it's only gotten BETTER WITH AGE. I mean, I was fucking astounded that even after all these years, she sings better live than on CD's and shit. She is PHENFUCKINGOMENAL!!

And Nancy, HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She still jumps up and down, kicks her legs and does the splits! WHILE PLAYING THE FUCKING GUITAR!!! I mean, HOLY FUCKING HELL! HOW!?

It was just, WOW.

When they opened with Magic Man, tears pooled in my eyes as I looked past Mom to the stage, and I was just like "Fuck this, no, this is one of the greatest moments in my life, I'm not going to cry."

It was just so awesome to be there with my mom and knowing what I know. For those of you who don't know, my mom has only ever been to two concert's: She saw Heart when she was 15 (21 years ago) with my Uncle CJ, who died when I was three, and she saw Heart with me on August 6th (^-^) So, was a rather momentous occassion.

And it was just absolutely amazing standing there with her watching one of the greatest bands in the history of Rock 'n Roll, and basically you know, THE band that proved women can ROCK THE FUCK OUT performing their hearts out after ALL THESE YEARS and doing it in SUCH an amazing fashion!

Not to mention, it was a smaller arena..and we'd opted to pay the extra $$ to get our tickets upgraded, so we were like, FRONT AND CENTER for the concert! Our seats were like 50 feet away, IF THAT!! And we said "fuck it" and spent the majority of the concert UP AT THE STAGE. I was within like 10 feet of Ann at one point, and Mom was so close she could touch-her taking pics!!!

It was so fucking rawr!!

And oh my god, hahaha, after they did "These Dreams" and "Alone" (the only real slow songs they did), they started Barracuda, and HOLY SHIT....

We'd went back to our seats for a few, and these seats were TINY so I had to squeeze my ass in, but fuck, when I heard the first few chords of Barracuda, I FLEW out of my seat faster than you can say "FUCK!" and I was up headbanging my ass off and singing along for the rest of the show, which included "Crazy On You" and a couple others I can't remember.

I threw out my neck and shoulders, and while I feel alright now, for the past couple days I was a hurting pup, but SO FUCKING WORTH IT!!!!

What an awesome way to end the summer, and what a fucking phenomenal 19th birthday present, eh?

For those of you who don't know this: I wanted Heart to be my first concert, and I wanted it to be with my mom more than anything. That was such a special moment, I can not even tell you, and it SCREAMED just how far she and I have come in the past 6 years.

I may not have a lot of faith, and I may not be a big fan of God, but to whatever is out there: Thank you so fucking much for giving me this chance.

I didn't even know until a week before the concert that they were going to be you know, not 4-6 hours away, but only AN HOUR AND A HALF AWAY!!!!

And I didn't think we'd get to go. But, a few days after we found out, Mom said, and I quote "We're going to see Heart. Period." And I knew then we were going.

And we did. And it was one of the greatest days of my life. I will never, ever forget watching Ann and Nancy rocking their fucking asses off.

And to all the critic's who've bitched about Ann's ass over the years: Go fuck a tree full of bees and die. She's big, she's beautiful, and she can fucking rock harder than ANY SKINNY BITCH ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH! I love Melissa Etheridge, Stevie Nicks, and Lita Ford. They are my other female-rock icon's, and their voices are greater than great and they fucking rule, but there isn't one of them who can sing like her. Oh yeah, they can sing like nobody's business, but her voice can be the softest, most gorgeous of ballad's, or it can be harsh, abrasive, and fucking PERFECT for rocking out.

NOT TO MENTION SHE CAN PLAY GUITAR AND FLUTE!!! And she played the flute, took it away from her mouth, sang, played again...THAT'S FUCKING AMAZING!!!! Playing the flute is HARD AS SHIT, I know, I USE TO DO IT, let alone trying to sing after doing so!!! O.O

Personally, she's more beautiful than words could ever say. And no, she is *not* small, she's as big as my mom, if not more solid and bigger! And she's FUCKING GORGEOUS.

(^-^) HURRAAH!

Now for the bad news: My Hard Drive finally decided to tell me to drop dead.

It died.

Basically.

We've been doing everything we can to recover files from it, and right now I'm picking through the pieces of my life. And you know, I've been bitching about my lack of anonymity online...

But honestly I'm thanking God for it now. Because my life is strewn about online, and I can find bits and pieces that are very important and collect them and get them back even though my hard drive is dead.

*Sigh* I lost a lot, to be really honest, and I'm trying to calm down enough to accept it and just piece things together, but it's really hard and it's really bumming me out.

But maybe this is a sign I need to spend some more time working on things outside of the PC.

Like learning the guitar, maybe?

I've been saying for a long time I'd love to learn the guitar, but I had to face a rather shitty fact not-too-long ago.....my fingers are so short, I probably can't play.

But....

After seeing Nancy jamming out, and after my cousin bringing over Guitar Hero last night, I can't resist. I have to try.

Don't get me wrong, Guitar Hero is probably 100000000 times easier than playing the guitar for real, and I'm well aware of this. It's not the fact that I'm doing okay at guitar hero, it's that that feeling of being behind a guitar is incredible, and I love it, AND...

I was doing some interesting things measuring the neck and whatnot, and I think I honestly can play if I can find the right guitar.

So, I'm going for it.

I lost a lot of the files for my zine, which is driving me crazy, but I'm going to start over and try again.

What else is there to do?

So, wish me luck on playing guitar, getting my zine published, and writing a novel.

Viva la life.

Unglued

2006-08-03T21:21:00.000-05:00

I've been writing a lot of streams of conciousness lately to try and get things out and to try and come up with something interesting for my zine. I think some of it would make for a pretty interesting per-zine, but I'm not sure. I don't know if I could handle baring that much of my soul to the world. Ya' know?

Who knows though, eh?

But...there's just a lot of things going on in my head, and it's complicated and confusing and I just wish to God that I could figure myself out. I don't wanna' be confused and upset and deppressed. I just wanna' be okay. And yeah, I use to feel 'okay' at times...here and there. I mean, the past six years have been a roller coaster, and it's been hard to deal with, but..there were a few moments where I could say "I'm alright".

But something always happens. Something inside of me never gets quite fixed and then something inside of me clicks and I'm not okay anymore.

I dunno....honestly I feel wierd posting this kind of thing in my blog, because....well...it's been awhile since I've been really honest with my thoughts and feelings in here. It feels odd.

Anyways....I'm going to go read some more and listen to Mogwai, which, btw, is a fucking awesome band.

-Manda

Woo, more excitement!

2006-08-03T06:06:00.000-05:00

So, as most of you know, it's been one hell of a summer. My two vacation's were a lot more than I've done in one summer for awhile, and it's been very exciting. I won't lie, there are issues, as some of you know, but honestly, it's been great.

Well, I'm about to get the perfect end to this most exciting of summers!

On the 6th, My mom & I are going to see Heart in concert! (^-^)

Now if you don't know who Heart is, go Google and start hitting iTunes. You're fucking deprived.

If you do, read on!

The only concert my mom has ever been to was Heart, and it was with my Uncle CJ, who died when I was 3. I've always wanted to see them in concert with her, because frankly, it'd be really cool for my first concert to be the same as hers, and not only that, but it's something really special between the two of us. We both absofuckinglutely love them and when we found out they were going to be only 2 hours away doing a concert, there was no question: We were going no matter what.

So, this is my birthday present from Mom & Dan (^-^) Can we say "best fucking present EVER!"? Yes, yes we can.

I am so unbelievably psyched about this, I can't even tell you guys.

I mean, if it gives you any kind of indication, I haven't bought CD's in quite some time, generally, I burn them, or friends give me burned CD's, whatever.

But buying a CD? Pssh. Last time I did that was last April when Lifehouse's newest one came out, and before that, I'm not sure I could tell you. I *think* it was Nirvana's "Nevermind" back when I was in like, 10th grade.

But anyways! I started buying CD's again recently.

When I got back from Texas (the night I got back), I bought Foo Fighters "In Your Honor", which, for 12 bucks, was a steal since it's a two disk set. And Foo Fighters just fucking rock. At the time, Wal-Mart didn't have any Heart, so I couldn't nab any.

Well, while I was there a few days ago, I managed to find "The Essential Heart" (2 CD's, one with 18 songs, the other with 19), for only 16 bucks!!! I lost it and HAD TO HAVE IT.

And frankly, they are two of the greatest CD's I've ever heard, let alone owned. They're comparable to Nirvana's "Unplugged In New York" & Alice In Chains "Unplugged", which are fucking orgasmic. I mean, I'm a Nirvana *JUNKIE* and Unplugged is my fav of their albums, and I've quickly become an Alice In Chains nutter, too, and I'm completely in love with their Unplugged album.

So anyways, yeah....Heart's just completely amazing. I could listen to them and never, ever get tired. Anne Wilson, the lead singer, has a voice that just makes me wanna' moan, scream, laugh, cry...just....AMAZING. And her sister, the lead guitarist, can rock out like you would not believe.

So, yeah, I'll definately be writing an entry about how kick ass it was (^-^)

*bounces* Hoorah, Heart!

And in other good news...I've been having a blast playing RO on the Underworld RO server.

Ree's a GM there, which is interesting, because *everyone* knows him, so when I talk about him, it's pretty funny, heh.

But yeah, it's a great server, and the people are all pretty spiffy and I'm having a really good time making friends and hanging out.

To top it off, I was talking to Ree one night and mouthing him a bit, just having fun, and the other GM, Loki, was like "O.O" and I was like "Loki, Kurenai is one of my best friends, I'm teasing him". And he was like "Oh, okay", then he pulled me aside in private and asked who I was (who my other characters were, etc.) and it turned out, Ree had already talked to me about him, which was odd, hehe, but...

Then he introduced himself by his real name to me, and we got to talking, and he's just downright an awesome person. He reminds me a lot of me and it's just been awesome having him around. He's a great friend, especially for only having known me for two days, and honestly, I feel privledged to know him. It's just totally awesome.

So yeah, new friendness! You'll probably hear more about Loki-ness at some point or another, because frankly, we've become fast friends and I adore him (^-^)

Anyways, toodles!

-Manda

I've been waiting 2 years...

2006-07-28T09:16:00.000-05:00

To hear the song I'm listening to now. "Hard Love" by Bob Franke. I finally managed to find it, hurrah.

Of course, I first learned about it through the book of the same title by Ellen Wittlinger, which, if you know me, you know is one of my all-time favorite books. Too. Awesome. For. Words.

*sigh* So, yeah, I decided to whip it out and re-read it. I managed to plow through it in a matter of a few hours....and of course, I'm at the end, and crying, and listening to the song, and trying to breath, because it reminds me so much of a situation I'm in now. And DAMNIT TO HELL does it make me feel...like I'm growing up, and yet so broken and damn lost. I hate that feeling.

I haven't posted a lot of personal stuff in my blog lately, I've kind of been keeping it at arms length for fear of some things, but I'm getting over that again...this is my damn blog. I choose to bare my soul to the world, and godamnit, if I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it properly.

(-_-) Hurrah, me.

Seriously, though, peoples....if you can't find the song, at least check out the lyrics, and I highly, highly reccomend the book. Like I said, it's one of my all-time favorites. Like, in the Top 5. And when you read as much as I do, that's serious shit.

Oddly enough....the two sections that apply to my situation, are the two quoted in the book...

"It was hard love, every step of the way,
Hard to be so close to you, so hard to turn away,
And when all the stars and sentimental songs dissolved today,
There was nothing left to sing about but hard love.

So I loved you for your courage and your gentle sense of shame,
And I loved you for your laughter and your language and your name,
And I knew it was impossible, but I loved you just the same,
Though the only love I gave you was hard love."

"So, I"ll tell you that I love you even though I'm far away,
And I'll tell you how you change me as I live from day to day,
How you help me to accept myself, and I won't forget to say,
Love is never wasted, even when it's hard love.

Yes, it's hard love, but it's love all the same,
Not the stuff of fantasy but more than just a game.
And the only kind of miracle that's worthy of the name,
For the love that heals our lives is mostly hard love."

So...very, very true.
-Manda

O.O Sometimes I startle even me...

2006-07-27T07:21:00.000-05:00

Alright, now, anyone who knows me knows that my family is a bit on the wierd side in that we have clairvoyant abilities.

Mine basically stick within the realms of predicting things, reading people's thoughts, and having extreme empathy (feeling other's emotions)...

Sometimes I start to wonder if maybe I'm crazy and it's all in my head (I know it's not, but....people tell you that enough, and well...), but....there are subtle reminders. Like having dreamed about my Uncle's death two days before it happened (and having told my entire family about said dream....everyone remembers this, not just me.), having dreamed that my little brother broke some of my mother's precious things from her curio display cabinet and him doing so three days later, knowing what people are going to say, once telling a friend exactly what he was eating while we were chatting online (he lived in Tennessee, I was in Arkansas, we'd never met, I knew none of his food preferences), etc. I've proven my abilities to myself, and many others, time and time again, but sometimes it catches even me by surprise, because frankly, I don't really control it. (Yes, yes, I know, I sound fuckin' crazy...but just read...)

So....today...as Nirvana's "Something In The Way" was ending, I began to sing another song...Foo Fighters "The Best Of You"...no sooner had I sung "I've got another confession to make, I'm your--" does that exact song come on.

Now, mind you, there is no music at the beginning I could have heard and thought "Oh, that's..." it's just the dude's voice, and the song hadn't started yet, at all, PERIOD.

I have 125 songs on this playlist, and it's on SHUFFLE.

Yes, I know, it could be an odd coincidence, but I'm sorry, to me...that's just a tad bit beyond (-_-)

Anyways, I'm tired, and for some reason, I felt like that was worth blogging about.

-Manda

Hurrah!

2006-07-26T03:22:00.000-05:00

So....I'm working on pulling out the writing gloves once more. Of cours,e I've been working on my Fan-Fictions, because, you know, I can't just leave them unfinished, but lately I've been seriously contemplating working on an original piece.

But there are issues with that, of course. Things like, oh, I want my stories to reflect the kinds of things I'm interested in, or at least do things that I believe are worth reading about. Unfortunately, my world is a bit too taboo for the romance novel world. Bleh.

So, anyways, I'm working on writing a story that reflects the sort of things I find interesting, and trying to ignore the fact that it'll never be published. Heh.

I'm also planning on starting a "Writing" blog.....mostly to motivate my ass. Hurrah.

Anyways, here's something fun, fun, fun!

Yes, that's right, I made a South Park-esque version of me. I've wanted to for awhile, though I didn't expect there to be a generator for this sort of thing...I shoulda known better.

Anyways, if you want one of your own, go to SouthPark Studio's!

*yawns* Old episode's of Roseanne are on Nick @ Night, I have a tasty batch of quotes to jot into my quotes journal, and I've got many, many romance novels I need to finish plowing through.

*yawns* G'night, folksies.
-Manda

Drops of Mercury

People! Can I get Five Minutes of SANITY in this zoo!?

To make a long story short..

*grumbles*

Bloody blinkin' hell..

-_- I'm such a failure at life

Mini LAN Party!

Hrmm...

Trial & Error.

It's About Time.

I Miss You...

It Only Took 4 Years.

Lay Me Down...

*sigh*

Choices, Choices...

No More Angst!

The Other Side...

*sigh* Activity. IN MY LIFE?

Catastrophe = Epiphany?

o.O Why am I not surprised? hehe

Wow...

Unglued

Woo, more excitement!

I've been waiting 2 years...

O.O Sometimes I startle even me...

Hurrah!

grumbles

sigh

sigh Activity. IN MY LIFE?