TOP TEN NON-SLUTTY COSTUME IDEAS
10. Kunta Kinte
9. Jesus in a chastity belt
8. Elephant Man on acid
7. Inebriated pig farmer
6. A chunk of Natalee Ann Holloway
5. Afghani maid
4. An insect expert who examines rotting girls’ carcasses
3. One of 72 virgins
2. Duke Lacrosse Stripper
1. Suicide bomber’s girlfriend

TOP TEN WORST HALLOWEEN TREATS
10. Toad turds
9. Mad cow disease
8. Fruit of any kind
7. Monopoly money
6. Spare change
5. Previously chewed Charleston Chews
4. Old Van Halen Records
3. Rabbit punch
2. Toothbrush (there’s a fuckin’ dentist on every block)
1. Donkey punch

TOP FIVE PHRASES TO USE INSTEAD OF TRICK OR TREAT!
5. Is your daughter home?
4. Make with the candy, bitch!
3. Let me tell you about the time God spoke to me through a gypsy moth
2. Give me anything but Smarties and Candy Corn, douche bag
1. Aren’t you a little old to be handing out candy?

TOP TEN CHEAPEST HALLOWEEN COSTUMES
10. Chinchilla rapist
9. A smelly Quaker
8. Nick Nolte – just puke on yourself
7. Birthday suit
6. Your current boyfriend
5. Nelly – just buy a band aid and apply to your face…it’s getting hot in here so take off your band-aid
4. Your ex-boyfriend
3. A Rabbi
2. Every dude you’ve dated or ever will date
1. Scrotum hanging out of your zipper guy

TOP TEN THINGS TO PUT IN CANDY BESIDES RAZORS BLADES
10. T ‘n’ T pop and snaps
9. MDMA
8. Rusty fish hooks
7. Agent Orange
6. Lojack
5. Expired ham cubes
4. Habanero pepper seeds
3. Ass hairs
2. Anti-war propaganda in the form of a tiny comic strip featuring Protest Sign Joe
1. Ass hairs with dingleberries

TOP TEN REASONS I DON’T HAND OUT CANDY FOR HALLOWEEN
10 year old Shakira
9 year old Gigantica
8 year old Tinkerbell
7 year old Pocahontas
6 year old Wonder Woman
5 year old Sheena
4 year old Daphne from Scooby Doo
3 year old Dolly Parton
2 year old lady bug
1 year old Marilyn Monroe

TOP TEN FAVORITE HALLOWEEN ACTIVITIES
10. Traumatizing little children with my Dead Winnie the Pooh being raped by Tigger diorama
9. Celebrating the coming of our Dark Lord with Silly String and Xanex white bars
8. Going around at 3 a.m. and quietly pinching a loaf on my neighbor’s lawn
7. Drinking until I forget the crushing reality of no longer being a child
6. Passing out condoms and Kama Sutra pamphlets to trick or treaters and giving their parents a big wink and a slap on the ass
5. Pretending I’m an Ogre and beating people to death with a club in order to eat their bones
4. TPing Muslim Mosques3. Masturbating to Jack O Lantern porn carvings
2. Reliving my childhood Halloweens by locking myself in the basement with the dead mice and the Koran
1. Smoking bowls, eating all the candy, staying up all night, and watching that real estate infomercial with the two midget twins

TOP TEN WORST HALLOWEEN COSTUMES
10. Sniper shooting a third grader
9. Green Peace petitioners
8. Rally monkey
7. Raider Fan
6. Judge Joe Brown in a unitard
5. Yourself with a mustache
4. Superman in a wheel chair
3. Pregnant nun (so trite!)
2. Cunt pimple girl
1. WTC 9/11 guy

TOP 10 THINGS A WITCHES BROOM HANDLE SMELLS LIKE
10. Toto’s butthole
9. A witches tit
8. Gargamel’s balls
7. Grandma’s house
6. Nads
5. Low tide
4. Icabod’s crane
3. Wicked witch of the yeast
2. Astro-glide
1. Flying monkey’s cock

TOP FIVE PORNO SPOOFS OF HORROR MOVIES
5. Night of the Living Dykes
4. Evil Head
3. Barnyard gangbang on Elm Street
2. Friday the 13 inches of Black Cock
1. Texas Anal Bead Massacre

TOP TEN REASONS YOU CAN’T HAND OUT CANDY
10. You’re Jewish (cuz you don’t celebrate pagan holidays you anti-Semite!)
9. Your fatass ate it all
8. Your hands were ripped off in ‘Nam
7. You’re pagan and feel the holiday has been over-commercialized
6. You’re stuck to the floor from a recent Bukkake session
5. Too busy taking snapshots of all the hotties trick or treating
4. Court Order that keeps you 100 feet away from all the hotties trick or treating
3. Too busy stressing over the Terrorist Alert Yellow safety status
2. You’re a homeless piece of shit
1. Too busy leaning out your white cream van and aiming for kill shots

TOP TEN HALLOWEEN COSTUMES FOR GUYS
10. Drunk pimp with an oversized afro
9. Pothead – there’s always an idiot wearing kitchenware
8. God’s gift to women - a box addressed from God, to women
7. Ghost of Yankee pitcher
6. Clown rapist
5. Duff Man
4. Slim Jim
3. Jizm Guy
2. Kung Fool
1. bin Laden on ecstasy

TOP TEN HALLOWEEN COSTUMES FOR LADIES
10. Power Puff Girl Slut
9. Slutty Little Bo Peep
8. Rabbit slut
7. Slutty Catholic priestess
6. Xena the Warrior Slut
5. Slutty Angel
4. Coked out Bride of Frankenstein slut
3. Slutty Nicole Kidman
2. Coked out Butterfly slut
1. Slutty Mother Teresa

Joke of the Day:

Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A. Gagged

Q. What is the Difference Between Pussy and Apple Pie?
A. You can eat your mom’s apple pie.

TOP TEN REASONS YOU SHOULD WEAR A COSTUME TO CLASS ON THE 31ST
10. Extra credit
9. Now you can wear that banana suit to school
8. You suck at being yourself
7. Teacher can’t tell if you’re high
6. You can whack it under the sheet
5. Teacher can’t tell if you’re cheating
4. You can inconspicuously stare at fictitious jub jubs in a mask
3. …and twins!
2. Everyone will think your family is poor if you don’t have a costume
1. You’re John Karr

TOP 8 THINGS YOU SHOULD DO IF A BLACK CAT CROSSES YOUR PATH
8. Pull a “Rodney King for Cats” on its ass
7. Say “Naughty Pussy” and punch it in the face
6. Step on a crack and break your mother’s back to even it out
5. Paint a white stripe on it and watch Pepe Lepeui try to fuck it long and hard
4. Choke it to death with spilled salt
3. Take that black pussy home and eat it (Cuz you’re a Szechuan chef)
2. Smash it with a mirror
1. Stuff it down your pants and walk under a ladder

TOP FIVE SIGNS DRACULA WASN’T GAY
5. Never looked in the mirror
4. Didn’t like wood steak
3. He’s in the coffin
2. He always wanted suck blood, which implied he enjoyed performing cunnilingus on menstruating women
1. Didn’t fuck Cory Feldman when he had the chance

TOP FIVE SIGNS DRACULA WAS GAY
5. Talked with a suspicious lisp
4. Slept all day, partied all night
3. Huge fan of clown rape
2. Only bit necks of mushroom heads
1. Raped Frankenstein and his monster

TOP 10 SHITTIEST THINGS ABOUT HALLOWEEN
10. Drunk driving much more challenging with all the kids out
9. Christmas
8. Beer bong tube can’t fit through mask hole
7. Getting a ten year olds makeup off your thighs
6. Hookah tube can’t fit through mask hole
5. Accidentally hitting on dudes dressed in drag when you’re drunk
4. Coming to terms with your crippling fear of children
3. Going to jail dressed in drag and not drunk
2. Sharing candy
1. Being one of thirty disco pimps at the party

Joke of the Day:

Q. What is the definition of a menstrual period?
A. A bloody waste of f*%king time.

Q. Why is a woman’s pussy like a warm toilet seat?
A. They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.

Both women and men enjoy free drinks, but it seems like one gender gets treated to them far more often than the other.  Contrary to popular belief, women do bring money with them when they go out drinking.  They use it as a back up plan in case the dress they have on isn’t showing the fierce boobage they thought it would.  However, ask them straight up to buy you a drink and you will get laughed at, yelled at, maybe even slapped.

I have dedicated a large portion to my life to finding a way to reverse tradition and convince women to buy me a drink.  So far, I have had very little success.  Still, I would like to let you in on the three best ideas I have come up with so far.  I am always open to new tactics and schemes, so feel free make suggestions.

1. The Unrelenting Annoyance

Arrive at the bar and search for a girl who looks like she gets embarrassed easily.  Introduce yourself, then tell her that if she does not buy you a drink, you will spend the rest of the night annoying her.  At first she won’t believe you, but then prove to her how serious you are by following her around, sitting next to her, and dedicating a karaoke song to her.  If she takes a rational approach to the situation, she will realize that buying one drink will be less of a hassle than a night of repeatedly asking the bouncers to throw you out.  Get the drink and ignore her the rest of the night.

2. The Rich Foreigner

Arrive at the bar dressed in a suit.  Before leaving, print out a large wad of fake 500 Euro banknotes.  Don’t worry if the money doesn’t look real, most American girls have no idea what a Euro looks like in the first place.  Start a conversation with a girl, if possible do it with a French accent.  Tell her about French designer clothing, French fine dining, and the French countryside (use Google to research these things).  When the subject of drinks comes up, pull out the large bundle of cash and talk about how you are going to see your accountant tomorrow to exchange your currency (people with accountants are always legit).  Mention to the girl that if she would be kind enough to get you a drink, you would be very grateful and willing to reward her generously at a future date.  Get the drink and never pay her back.

3. The Male Feminist

Arrive at the bar and start a conversation with a girl.  Turn the conversation towards the system of patriarchal dominance and the tragic plight of the modern woman.  Talk about how the media perpetuates an image of woman as the inferior.  Relate the entire thing back to courtship and say it is an outrage that women accept the model of the aggressive male pursuing the passive female.  Finally, talk about what a fantastically progressive statement it would be if she were the one paying for your drinks.  Make it seem like it was her idea the entire time.  Get the drink and call her sugartits.

Julia Lillis is back with a new “Song by Julia.”

Have you ever been in a bathroom with an old man that doesn’t care?
It’s enlightening.

You know it’s an old man when you hear him explode in the stall. I mean it sounds like there’s ten dudes in their taking dumps. He doesn’t care at all. He’s unconscious in there.

I’m always trying to be private and discrete. If there’s someone else in the bathroom with me I’ll wait for a toilet flush or a sink to get turned on. Then I proceed. But never in dead silence.
Not old men. I mean it could be a bathroom in a mortuary and they’d let loose like it was the 4th of July.

And you know why?

Because once you do it in front of your wife, nothing else matters. Nothing. You do something in front of your wife that normally you’re embarrassed to do in front of other people, from there on out you’ve got Lindsay Lohan stepping out of a limo confidence. You’re out in public ripping farts, burping, talking loud, high fiving strangers, wearing ridiculous, crazy clothes.

Why do you think it’s the old men who wear just the craziest, mismatching clothes like they’re playing dress up or something? It’s because they wore it originally on a Sunday afternoon while watching television in front of their wife, and afterwards it occurred to them, “Hey, my wife’s seen me in this…screw it I’m wearing this out to dinner tonight at Outback.”

It’s the perfect gift for high school or college students and for only $9.95 you can’t go wrong. Buy it now from Amazon.

About the Author
Jodi Miller has been performing Stand Up comedy all over the country for over 12 yrs and is a regular at all the Clubs in Hollywood.She is a high energy comic who has a unique take on life. She’s not afraid to push the envelope. Jodi covers everything from cats, to singer/song writers and how her dad is desperate to get her knocked up!She’s a reoccurring guest commentator or CNN’s Showbiz Tonight and Hollywood 411 and will appear on Comics Jam later this year. She is also a writer for the HBO/Cinemax series Co-Ed Confidential. She currently resides in Los Angeles, California.

That’s not quite true. In recent years, more than one Parent-Teacher Association has publicly denounced bullying, describing the practice as a developmental disorder or behavioral aberration. Which doesn’t quite make sense, because bullies are often developmentally superior to their targets, insofar as they have developed past the point of liking Farscape. And also because bullying has become a point of normality (finally) amongst those that are bullied, as any Comic-Con frequenter can attest. That is why, when forced to confront the issue within the atmosphere of this false bully-logic, our nation’s PTAs decided to take the most natural course of action, which was to let behavior continue. (Note: By “Let the behavior continue” I mean that the PTA tried to stop the behavior by collaborating with the government on an anti-bullying campaign, thereby letting the behavior continue).

Unfortunately, as much as children like bullying, children don’t really like bullying. So as much as America’s adults liked not stopping bullying, they were in the position, once again, to be required to stop bullying. How did they do this, you might ask? I should bully you for asking such a dumb question. The answer, of course, is by not stopping bullying.

This concept of stopping bullying by not-stopping bullying is a little confusing—more confusing than why people choose to like Farscape and expect not to be bullied for it. Luckily, the entire comprehensive bully-prevention plan can be summed up in one MTV television series:

Mark Burnett, you are some kind of child behavioral specialist wizard! What better way to communicate a message of non-bullying than by putting the targets of bullying into a simulated real-world setting and giving them the chance to bully? Because in “Bully Beatdown,” bully targets are placed in an environment that in no way exists in real life—like, for example, an environment where you are a Farscape fan who is miraculously tag-teamed with a professional fighter—and then these targets are pitted against the people they want to bully the most—fans of Babylon 5. Or the bullies that bullied them, either one.

In conclusion, America’s adult figures that are influential in shaping young hearts and minds (Mark Burnett, that means you) have finally discovered the perfect way to end the bullying crisis once and for all! Because everyone likes to bully, but not everyone likes to be bullied. The reason is that there is a strong feeling that accompanies being bullied—a feeling of hopeless-powerlessness at not being able to bully back. BUT NO MORE! Now if you are a target of bullying, you can bully back, and you will be able to do this in a closed setting with the aid of a professional fighter, and this will prepare you to confront bullying in your real life. Nice!