1. Drinking at 10am seems like a good, no GREAT idea. The key word there is “seems” because around 2pm on July the 5th you’re going to regret it. And if you’re as lucky as me, you get the regretful feeling carried over to July the 6th, causing you to heavily debate going to the hospital.

2. Guys can get away with puking on each other in bathing suits. They act as if it’s perfectly normal, bastards. If it were two girls puking on each other, one of them would be so unbelievably pissed off that the other girl threw up on their brand new Emilio Pucci bikini it would result in a mixture of gut wrenching screams, crying and a chain reaction of vomit.

3. Walking several minutes uphill for the sole purpose of peeing in a disease free, relatively clean, private house bathroom is well worth it. The ice-cold beer that was in the fridge didn’t hurt either, especially since it didn’t belong to us.

4. “Dirty Diana” is a great Michael Jackson song. Really, it’s way better than “Billie Jean”. It was so good I yelled it all night, like it was my own version of tourette’s.

5. Never go searching aimlessly for someone’s brother at a bar. You’ll start the hard alcohol train way too early. What’s even worse is the bar in Manhattan Beach, which shall remain nameless, Shellbacks, makes awful Dirty Shirley’s. That made the trip more regrettable.

6. After not finding the person’s sibling, taking the boardwalk back to your original location is a bad idea. Well, it’s actually OK if you have a friend that isn’t prone to attacking you mid-stride. Unfortunately, I didn’t, which is how I left part of my knee on the pavement. I also proved to be quite an obstacle for north bound bicyclists, forcing one to pull over and help me up.

7. Hiccups are possibly a result of drinking too much, not enough oxygen to the brain or a combination of both. Whatever it is, it didn’t make me any friends and almost resulted in me punching some skank in the face because she believed my hiccups were fake. I can’t help it if my diaphragm spasms or how much alcohol I put in my body.

8. Not eating is a bad choice, along with not drinking water or Diet Coke. Why? Because my body didn’t stop shaking until around 2pm on Monday. My theory behind not eating is so I can feel the affects of the alcohol more quickly and I also won’t feel guilty about the massive amounts of calories I’m loading my body with. It’s a good theory, much like the Pythagoreum Theorem, but at the end of the day both leave you with your head spinning and cursing God. Not drinking water will just take up precious cargo space in my stomach that is clearly allotted to alcohol. This caused massive dehydration the next day and put me down for the count until Tuesday. I flat out forgot about drinking Diet Coke, which caused my body to go thru withdrawals considering I can easily consume 3 Diet Cokes a day.

9. Heat stroke isn’t fun, neither is my bathing suit tan. If pink were an ethnicity, I would be their poster child. I also don’t have use of my shoulders, which I’ve realized are pretty important parts of the body. Not applying sunscreen = BAD. I’m now forced to wear a sweatshirt to maintain the heat that continuously leaves my body because of the sunburn. I look like a fool for wearing a sweatshirt in LA in mid-70 degree weather.

I’m sure I learned more things, but due to the black out factor I can’t really recall anything else. Surprisingly, there was some good that came from all of this. The only thing I managed to lose was some dignity, which is like nothing because I’m a pro at losing things. So I at least get one point in my column.

Most people would argue these mistakes could have been easily avoided. That’s true, but my 4th of July wouldn’t have been as amazing as it was, even if I have to pay for it in the long run. I think the most important thing I learned, and many people would agree, I can no longer behave like I’m in college anymore. Which is sad, but in the interest of everyone else, it’s for the better.

The following video was filmed live at UCLA Medical Center following his death. Enjoy!

I’m considering buying a breathalyzer.  It would be nice to have in the car to make sure that the one drink you had at the bar wasn’t stronger than you thought it was.  The only problem is that I know it will get used for the wrong purposes.  After a while, it will become a contest between me and my friends to see who can blow the highest number.  It will be like owning a version of Frogger that encouraged you to run into busier and busier streets to impress your friends. Or like owning a scale that somehow encouraged you to eat less in order to see the numbers go down. Someone tell fat people about these things. Anyway, my breathalyzer currently reads .28. If I keep this up, I will win the BAC lifetime achievement award, aka, cirrosis. Thanks breathalyzer!

I have said many things in my life that I stand behind firmly.  Occasionally, I use my words confidently to exhibit strength, intelligence, and culture.  However, we live in complicated times where luxuries, technology, and mainstream art have softened the average man.  Sometimes we don’t notice how these things affect our behavior, but other times, it is excruciatingly obvious.  Several times, I have entered into a conversation with the intention of adding insight or sparking discussion.  Partway through the statement though, I hear myself speaking and cannot believe how lame I sound.  These statements stop me dead in my tracks and I am forced to seriously evaluate the way I am living my life.  The following is an incomplete list of such comments.

1. Mousse gives my hair a softer feel than gel.  Gel makes it too stiff and spiky and the hair flows better with…

2. I was looking at the Craiglist personal ads and everyone who posts there are such losers…

3. Bret Michaels finally came to his senses and eliminated her.  She was just there to be on television and wasn’t right for him at all…

4. I try to keep my carbohydrate intake really low, unless I’m doing cardio that day, then I’ll double up on oatmeal or wheat bread…

5. And the kitten has a look on his face like, “What did I do?”  But you can tell he knows what he did…

6. There’s this one part in Dr. T and the Women where…

7. I’ll have a garden salad with raspberry vinaigrette dressing on the side…

8. The groomer totally screwed up my labradoodle’s coiff…

9. Hi, can I get a Bahama-Mamma…

10. So I was sitting down to pee and I notice…

Here are questions left tragically unanswered:
1. Why was this videotaped?
2. Why was this done as a group activity?
3. How did this get on the internet?
4. How did they come up with their cool hip-hop nicknames?
5. Do they believe women will be impressed by this?
6. Do they believe men will be impressed by this?
7. Is this an attempt to get discovered by someone in the porn industry?
8. Is this an attempt to get discovered by someone who specializes in pity lays?
9. Was the Ottoman of legal age to participate in the act?
10. Was the Ottoman a consensual participant?
11. What about the Ottoman did the group find so arousing?
12. What happens when the father (whose cool hip-hop nickname is “Bill-Pay-Ah”) catches everyone in his house violating his home décor and starts cracking skulls?

I was once charged with handling a panda bear while volunteering at a zoo. I came in to give it some food. The little panda bear sneezed. It was adorable. Then the mother panda bear touched the baby panda bear on the head. Then the mother panda bear ate the baby bear’s head clean off, threw the carcass at me, and as I raced out of the cage, the panda chased me. It’s mouth red with blood.

This particular video, from DJ and the Fro, shows how shocking it is when a panda decides he’s had enough with those damn Asians.

“DJ & The Fro” is part of MTV’s weekday comedy block which starts Monday, June 15th and airs from 5-6:30pm.

Does Being a Douchebag Get You Laid or Does Getting Laid Make You a Douchebag? 

It’s the chicken/egg conundrum all over again.   Douchebags across the nation are getting laid in droves.  Many of us have no idea how they’re doing it.  Some of us have a vague idea of how they’re doing it, but we aren’t willing to sacrifice the little dignity we have in order to emulate them.  Still, I believe it is important to explore the origins of this phenomenon.  Are men who get laid naturally douchebags or did getting laid cause them to become douchebags?

Here are the two sides of the debate:

Being A Douchebag Gets You Laid
To get laid, you need to have a high level of confidence.  For most of us, this is difficult because we recognize that we are not that special and have yet to accomplish that much in life.  Douchebags are different though.  They have an undeserved sense of achievement that allows them to make unheard of moves when meeting girls.  They believe that they are the greatest thing around and girls, being foolish, respond to that.  Girls convince themselves that these losers actually have something to offer and decide to go home with them.

Getting Laid Makes You A Douchebag
After you’ve been laid, whether by luck or skill, you start feeling good about yourself.  You realize that at least one female is willing to have you, so you must be pretty cool.  With this new boost in self esteem, you start to think every girl wants you and you try to live up to a new, cool-guy persona.  Your jokes get less funny, you take yourself more seriously, and you try way too hard to appear a certain way.  You leave behind everything that made you unique and interesting in order to become just another douchebag who gets laid a lot.

Conclusion:

It is my opinion that getting laid makes you a douchebag.   Take into consideration that it’s not just “players” who become douchebags after getting laid.  Countless men lose their edge when they enter a monogamous relationship.  They start listening to soft rock, hosting game nights, and finding small dogs adorable.  They become shells of their former selves.  The only way to bring them back is framing their “soul-mates” for having an affair.

So folks, if you aren’t getting laid, don’t feel too bad about it.  Sure, you are kind of a failure at the one purpose humans have on Earth, but at least you are still a fairly cool version of yourselves.  Stay strong.

Being the gentlemen of pleasure that we are, we recommend you don’t take her to the same, old, boring place, such as Applebee’s or Olive Garden. Definitely not Olive Garden. When you’re there you’re family? That’s like f*cking your sister. I don’t think so. No, we recommend you give your woman a unique experience that will not only blow her mind, but get you blown. If you know what we mean. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge. Bump that…

An Art Exhibit
Women love all things involving art. However, it should be noted that some women can show surprising close-mindedness to some fine art exhibits. Apparently, some women freak out when you take them to an exhibit of paintings you yourself made of your own mother, in your own urine. I guess some people can’t appreciate the genius of Oedipalooza.

Go For A Ride
Women love rides. Preferably, rides in white vans with no windows. If you can arrange it, have a strange bald headed driver and a video camera. We’ve literally spent hours researching this. They love it!

Picnic
What woman wouldn’t want a day in the sunshine, cozied up on a blanket in a beautiful park-like cemetary? Delicious sandwiches, lemonade, and she gets to meet your parents.

Get To Know Her … More Intimately!
There’s really only one fool proof way to see her business on a first date. Accompany her to a gynecological visit. Not only will you get to know her on an intimate level, you’ll have her gynecologist on hand to answer any questions as well as prepare your iCal for her periods.

Watch Any Nicolas Cage Film
He’s the best.

Pray Together
Not the same religion as you? Well, she’s going to need to know the traditions for when she converts.

A Frat Party
We’ve found you don’t even have to be invited. It’s a great place to spread your wings and show her you’re not just some scary creep who collects toy soldiers. And if you are lucky enough to walk in on a Duke lacrosse party, those are off the hizzay!

Meet With Friends
More specifically, your ex-girlfriend. They are bound to run into each other eventually. This is like pulling off a Band-Aid. Besides, your ex-girlfriend will embellish some of your attributes because I’m sure things ended on good terms.

Take A Tour
Museum? Historical sites? Boooooring. That’s why we take our girls to abortion clinics. That’s ridiculous you say? That’s what they say too. But it’s so interesting to have the doctors show you around. Abortion is a part of life. On your way out, try not to get pelted by the large stones and cabbage being thrown from the crazy anti-abortion rally across the street.

Attend A Social Gathering
Does your date like to kill fetuses? Well, the folks at an anti-abortion rally can help prove her wrong. Abortion is death. And if at the end of your date she doesn’t agree, then you want nothing to do with her. But, if she does agree, you can spend a magical afternoon together drinking diet Shastas, holding picket signs, and pelting large stones and cabbage at the sinners across the street.

A Strip Club
Show her you can appreciate the female form.

A Gay Strip Club
Pretend like you’re a regular. Score extra points by ass slapping Chico the bouncer on the way in. Trust us. Have we ever steered you wrong?

This video clip really showcases the amazing graphics of this game. Your character AUTOMATICALLY does super cool acrobatics as you glide from building to building and the New York City layout is perfect. The game is the most highly anticipated non-pre-franchise video game out in a LONG time.

Pre-order Prototype at Gamestop here!