Dualism Fuel

Buried: Melancholia episodes

2018-02-07T06:11:00.001+08:00

"We need to catch up. Seriously. "
"Last time we talked is two years ago"
"I hope you're doing well now. Better than last time"
"You didn't come to my wedding or response to my invitation.I knew something must've came up."
"How's life? Are you still dating that asshole that I told you to leave?He's only using you, on and off. "
"I hate hearing you crying or suffer. You're very smart, talented, pretty, nice and funny girl. So much to live for. "
"Have you done anything stupid again, Moon? I know you're crazy and fucked up inside for many reasons"

Those are some of conversation starters from my close friends that reeks my heart. Reconnections of deep thoughts and intentions from a few that knows me too well. Yes. In these few weeks, my old crushes, acquaintance, exes, good friends, and "almost a thing phase", they decided to reconnect me back into their Life, just as I wrote the post "of Relationship and its Epiphany" in the past.It's like The Universe is wanting me to change my perspective or just testing me to ignore the past and process it out as a dark joke. We did catched up through the phone, skype and laugh like crazy teenagers because I am struggling with melancholia spree of crying myself to sleep due terrifying flashbacks or nightmare that I repressed.It's funny how I changed too much from a cheerful person to the most darkest personality I never thought I could be. 2018 is indeed a year, I hope to rediscover back my strength and renew my faith in things that I held onto.I just got to push myself forward every day. Step on the thorns and walk the road. Climb. Crawl.Improvise. Most of all, survive it like a pro while enjoying the scenery behind every bad shit that has ever happened, smiling. Being grateful for it has been written as the way it is; Our Past, Present and Future. The acceptance of Qada' and Qadar as the last pillar of Faith in Islam.

Honestly. I lost a huge parchments of myself last year and went to the Hell of the Living. I keep crashing into things. I was angry and hating myself even more each day. I keep pushing people away. It was down into a sinking hole with self torture. I was ready to end myself for a few times, but I am afraid of what lies beyond after this world and the pain of my loved ones especially my little sister. My confidante. She is as individualistic as me. A mini-me with a mature mindset about the harsh reality of Life. I want a Lifetime to make her happy, or just rule our own world by doing the things we enjoy the most. We know how to handle ourselves in the most illogical and emotional circumstances. Maybe cry it out in our prayers or just wrote something memorable for us to ponder in the later years. Being reserved and adapting into ambivert personality has its own major perks and disadvantages.

True. This melancholia episodes was on repeat.I let myself get carried away with these humans who drained me. There is a sense of void and wanting to belong again, especially when someone who knew you from your worst days till your very best form tries to convince that he/she wants to have the same insight about Life, but you can be sure damn sure that it has already reached a new low; a negative balance of Respect and Trust in that person . A strategy that will ever work out and tactics full of loopholes. I knew someone who from my childhood and we happened to read each others mind and soul without even trying. We grew up up together, apart, reconnect, drifted away and tries to make things happen in a endless loop. It felt forced, because my family wanted us to be together. I already gave up on him, over and over again. My feelings died. Hearing his voice and how he wanted to impress me again, bleeds me. It is hurting me too much. I left. I deserved to put an ending to this melancholic hopeless story.

Me: "Where were you during the days when I was very sick and needed you the most?"
Him: "I went missing for a few times.I left. I changed. I never expect you to suffer this badly. Please give me another chance to make things right. To cherish our friendship and love.Start over. "
Me: "I won't be around forever. Stop trying to undo things. I have loved you since our childhood. For many year onwards. I will always cherish you and how we met and your thoughts. How you had made me feel special. Our endless silly laughter.How you ran to me for advice and opinions."
Him:" You will always understand me. I'm an idiot to let you gone into sickness. Feeling alone. You waited for me all these years by dating morons, abusers and assholes. I just wanted to see how true your feelings are to me. "
Me:" I held onto to our bittersweet memories, but it wasn't enough grip. Imagine if we're already married and you keep on disappearing on me. Acting cold and always finding fault. We'll end up hurting each other and our children. Tear our families apart. "
Him: "So, if we were already married and I fucked things up between us, you would still leave me? You're a bitch."
Me: "Yes. It's because marriage nowadays isn't necessarily a prove of love. Sometimes divorces, separations and break-ups are the prove of its existence and how it made them a better person after that. It's called self-respect. People are scared to leave each other because of the emotional pain, but I am not one of these typical people. I can live without you. Don't fucking argue with me."
Him: "Your ego is far too high now. I made you this way. I broke you. I can fix this. Us. Our future."
Me: "Things happened for many reasons. Accept the fact that we're not meant to be. I'm hurting myself whenever I get near or hear from you. I prayed you will find happiness someday. Whatever you want or do in Life. All the best. Farewell."

{This final talk between us became a benchmark to any relationship that I started. It cuts deeps, but runs even deeper. I think this has been affecting me like a kryptonite. My first overall continuous heartbreak for almost 16 years has been considered the most excruciating pile of shit ever. I laid it to rest. Buried it with a hazardous tombstone and visit it once in awhile to remember the person I used to be. An almost, but never.}

Reconnection or leave as it is?

2018-01-30T20:44:00.001+08:00

{ I found myself into another episode of choosing a path at crossroad as based on the poem interpretation of "Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost. Dilemma. Exhaustion.}

Such variables and temporary decisions to be made makes me irk and break into character. Long outdoor weekend and struggling with many internal issues such as deadlines and keeping my blood pressure stable. Time ticking as if the end is near gives me chills. I ought to live my life meaningfully even if it comes with a lot of personal sacrifices. I'm flighty. I assumed the worst in people who has constantly hurt me for a long time. If I wish to be happy, I have to keep distant from being drained spiritually. Clearly, I don't give a flying fuck what others had labelled me. Eccentric is fine. Crazy is best. I don't rely on people as much as during my younger years. Only to those very few that I had my Trust vested. My secrets;Very exclusive ones. Wild adventures, or the stupid ones. Or a lifetime secret.

I dislike being in crowded public places without a clear sense of purpose because it's mentally exhausting to absorb energy in a large perimeter yet staying quiet as behaving appropriately. Besides having being spotted by others who happened to know me, there is no denial that I hate being around humans too much, in general. I find them annoying, suffocating and shallow-minded but not to those who has their mental, physical and personality grown up exquisitely or explored their own identity and intellect to the fullest. You don't find genuine interactions in common people who settles easily in Life. If you let people define your life and social background, it means you are somewhat implying that blending into the fucked up modern society and act to be likable is natural for us, till the day we disintegrate.

For something spiritually beautiful to be unleashed and understood to the fullest abyss, one must indulge and accept the idea of Pain. Pain makes your spiritual state much stronger and understand how does a soul develop from fragile, mutable and restless into their own highest consciousness; feeling peaceful being yourself. I've never seen a good soul who never suffered, and I've never seen a bad one was once a strong, optimistic and rigid personality became a contradiction in things that they do. All I know is things happened if human allow changes and embrace it or get affected by it.

{Seeing the good in bad, the bad in good is not a bad thing after all. It is a nature of "check and balance" after all }

A memoir: Dearly Departed

2018-01-26T04:24:00.001+08:00

{Goes down to a deep memory lane trip from 2010 onwards. Written as a memoir to myself and stumblers}

When the whole world seems to bring you down,you will need comfort and warmth from the ones you trust.I may have a lot friends, admirers and acquaintance within this Lifetime but the good ones who sees through you are priceless. A keepsake till the day I disintegrate. Fame and wealth does comes with a lot of label warning and precautions. I missed the old me who knows very little about how the world works, how evil human can be and the irony between every reality and beliefs that exist. My dearly departed dad always tells me if Life has no challenges or makes you feel worthless, then it is a pointless journey to become human because Life itself is a Test. He explained, to me in his own ways thoroughly what makes "human", a human. In our deep conversation and countless of experiments together, I had an epiphany that if he's gone, I'll be anchoring Life in "solo mode" because I will never find another human who talks in super encoded metaphor yet open to new ideas, things and perspectives but never judgmental to those who are wrong or shallow-minded. My 19 years with him was very worthwhile and memorable. Turns out my calculations and interpretation about Life is correct. I lose my favourite human when I am 19 years old and everything gone berserk since then.

As someone who used to study about Theology, religion and philosophy I knew how the Omnipotent being, Almighty Creator; God has predetermined things and rules for humanity yet I have to admit it was hard to let go of things and accepted His Plans. I don't know how describe this decree of sadness or melancholia because being used to pain and torture makes your brain wired in certain ways that are unusual or having people who you usually pour your angst and sorrows is gone. Death makes you wonder how much time do you have left on Earth yet it can also makes you care less about everything which makes me partial nihilistic about Humanity and its purpose. Here back in my hometown, I find myself relapsing into dark memories instead of progressing towards my goals. The memories and Flashbacks rewinds. The long term past relationships and endless reconciliation is exhausting me. I refused to go backwards and hurt myself again. I thought to myself if hell existed, then I'm already living in one or being stuck in a level of purgatory. It is good to act neutral, but there are boundaries for such province to begin with. Feelings and emotions are making human attuned to their soul and what they desire in Life. Some are misguided and some are still finding its way back to where it belongs. Different pace and time for each and everyone. But, my stance is simple. You got to separate yourself from being hurt and upset all the time. Build a thick wall. Progress as far as you can in Life. Let them wonder. Let them envy. Let them question themselves. Let them see. Let them be.

Most of the time, I wonder why I care too much about the past or the people existed in it. I have a stupid, sincere and blunt heart but a very rational and resilient mind. I wanted to see good things in others instead of focusing on the flaws of a personality. I need to accept boundaries that a human cannot be saved if he/she doesn't want to be saved both in attitude and personality wise. While I had put myself as a shield and shelter those in need, I should have built a safe haven for myself too. It took me quite long to come to this deduction because of the things I have gone through and the types of personality that I have interacted within my lifetime.

{Perhaps in this Life.
I was meant to be very strong and rational.}

Of memories.

2018-01-19T14:10:00.001+08:00

{My eccentric nature is to memorize people through the ambience; of smell, touch, hearing and gestures.}

The most important of all is their voice and the look inside their eyes tells me everything. Some part of their past, present and future came crawling into my skin but I insisted taking it in all slowly, disseminate and digest properly. Observing people unfold their demons and irks and then just go with the flow,instead of jumping into conclusions and judgement. People radiate energy in both beneficial and harmful ones to their surroundings. Reading people can be intriguing yet tiring because of the constant contradiction of between the emotions and rational level in handling circumstances are at par of each other. Being rational and sensible is better than letting your vulnerability and weaknesses screw you over a petty thing. I was told by people that my walls are made of solid concrete that could only be demolished by Time and Effort.

In the past few years, what and how did I not do to save others from themselves and taking in damage more than I could ever imagined?Everything!
I literally had ruined myself for others to make them grow and left just parchment of memories after damage is done. My brain begs me to empty my feelings and just leave the knowledge and skills behind the past memories. Yet pain is not something that could be let go easily once you get used to it because the bad experience and negativity became part of you, subconsciously.

The first moment I actually gaze and memorize people that I firstly met, I will notice the way they talked, smiled, laugh and their manners; both in good or bad ways. I do believe the Air Signs of people both carry a reserved suave and addictive personality. People does get attracted to the aura and charmed by their personality. One layer of my many sided-self is to adapt and try to blend in without feeling awkward, while the rest is laid to rest and came out appropriately or in extreme conditions whereby the emotions are triggered, directly or indirectly. It's more to being stuck in a "I think that I feel... " or "I feel that I think.. " situation all the time. The endless dilemma.

Now my question is how does society and humans viewed or judged me?

I don't really feel like I can be bothered about it at all or at least I used to be. Even my Mother who tries her best to read my thoughts and the reason why I encrypted my privacy and choices I made in life. People may know my face, name but none about any of my struggles and success. There's always an infinity of thoughts and ideas running in my head all at the same time. My crazy experiments and social experience comes in very handy, but share it to those who are worthy and shows a little thought of appreciation. My transparency is open to people who does a lot of insane things, fucked up so badly, swallow it up and still want to live Life like other human being; to live Life meaningfully. I have to admit that I am fascinated on human behaviour and their needs as defined by Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs Theory. Some people are motivated the basic ones in the pyramids but will change accordingly as they get mature, while I find myself trying to understand their behaviours and intrinsic motivation towards Life. I probably am a lone ranger trying to find peace within myself and others in this World. Alas, people sometimes labelled me as "too fucked up inside" and a weirdo. That's absolutely fine with me.

But who cares if we're too fucked up inside and always up for a status quo challenge?

What does matters is in the way you cope up with bad things and rise above after the fall like no shit ever happened to you. Some people gave up on themselves, but I never did.

I persevere.

The State of Individuality.

2018-01-18T06:29:00.001+08:00

What I really meant by individuality and freewill is becoming the authority to choose specific variables, environment and accepting every plausible consequences wholeheartedly; without having the slightest glimpse of feeling reluctant taking its precedent. I am very convinced that our Life is not about doing things in the most "right" or "wrong" way. Learn to bend the rules as it challenges you. Own the moment. You need to get your hands dirty and soul tainted, deal the fuck from it and improvise with whatever limitations you have. Never ever to give up hope, no matter how painful things can damage or break your will.

These past few days,it is super exhausting for me to speak out my mind yet people come to me for ideas, perspective and how to handle their shit.I have my own morale compass and set of beliefs, things to achieve and getting to know an individual characteristics properly, without having a bias judgement or perception.Time is an asset investment, but kindness is an existential branch of Wisdom.

Here is an analogy about it:
You may need to look through and beyond the big picture with its foundations. Not just by merely skimming through the cover and wordings. The epiphany of everything lies between the unconnected dots, unspoken feelings and genuine prospect. The vibe moves you in the most unexpected ways. Humans are in their most perfect spiritual form when they realised that they are constantly sinning and flawed creatures yet crave for improvement instead of indulging themselves in self-destructive behaviours. It is the moment when they fucked things up in their Life but came into a turning point of higher consciousness guiding them the way back as a Hero of their own unique story. The Epic Comeback.

Thus, I do not see any problems with Humans who lowered their Ego to understand their own true nature and weaknesses. I see latter problems whenever they refuse to tolerate pain as a medium or lesson which remind them about real definitions of humility and setbacks in their Life.

Sometimes, we may think all the problems we encountered and temporary people we met are redundant to our Lifetime yet it leads to questions that has infinity of outcomes and plausibility that keep repeating inside the restless mind. To simply agree that paradox exists and we have no definite control over it or fathom over the Omnipotent being. The truth is I always believed that each and every of Human are relevant to their own specific brief lifetime and legacy to pass on. The human Life meaning is indeed the creation of a soul finding its journey back Home. We are all tested accordingly to our own level, inner demon and tolerance of Pain.Life itself is also exquisitely worthwhile to those seeking their own inner peace, solitude and wisdom in everything they do.

{After all, Life isn't always about what you wanted, but it is rather what you always needed.}

Not-so-Narcissist-ME

2018-01-07T16:58:00.000+08:00

Of Relationship and its epiphany.

I've been thinking on my stance about it and on how I perceived it from my teenage years. Since I started high school and socialize around after college, I get brutally honest confessions, messages or text from people from time to time. I didn't have to ask much to let them exchange their number or social media account. I got tons of contacts in my phone from social media account, mainly because I enjoyed chatting and being empathic towards others. I spent countless of hours talking and gagging if I'm lonely and needed company. I never have to ask or beg for attention. Thus, whenever I'm in a serious relationship, my partner is always insecure or possessive, he will know each and every friends or recognise "potential threat" that he has in order to gain my attention and question my loyalty. I find it obnoxiously nauseating and mentally stalling. I enjoyed freedom, trust and mutual respect from others especially from my partner. I usually hang out with a group of guy and became one of their "bros" or they ended up falling for me. It gets worse to those who kept their feeling hidden from me until they let their emotions gets the best of them, I never knew that I would have hurt their feelings. Some decided to get married (after I disappeared or gone into ninja/incognito mode) or find disgusting ways to gain my attention,but one thing for sure is; they cannot move on if they still keep in contact with me yet they still do it. They keep coming back although the boundaries that I've set became a pillar of our friendship. I have no options left but to ignore reconnection and part myself from them. It is a common neutral ground and good mechanism drift away with such "Friendship".

The thoughts of settling down.

I am really quite honest whenever I said that I have no faith in marriage or start a family yet. The idea of matrimony and being together with someone for a very long time horrifies me to Death. This may have been induced by hearing Life issues from older people and my own bad experience of putting up with someone difficult and has assaulted me mentally and physically, for years. It changed my perspective towards my own principles, and by the time I tried moving on, start anew with someone; I would analyze his behaviour and pattern whenever there is crisis, or if a cheating incident is involved and whether I felt burdened to be in a pointless and stagnant relationship. In easier words, I will leave the relationship behind if it is making me sad and empty; or changing me into something I hate. I look forward to the things that would encourage me to become the best version of myself, not the other way round.It is supposed to be a place whereby I feel solace and embrace spiritual growth as a human being.

The world is not black and white, it consists of shades of black and grey. I came to understand that the universe has its own way to tell us things or move us towards something that inspire us.

Never lose hope!

Trust.

2017-04-09T17:15:00.000+08:00

Internal monologue:
The word trust isn't applicable and plausible,
to measure your sincerity.
Here I am.

Wondering among thousand of humans,
Have they felt so low and in a dark place,
for so long, like the way I feel now.
As cryptic and secretive I may sound like,
We wanted a fair play while a correct measurement
to work as a functional human being.
Are you one of a million whom I will feel safe with?

#3 Atrocity of humans

2017-02-05T02:45:00.004+08:00

I wonder,
Too often,
Am I living my life for others
or is this a process of learning how to stand still
even if the ground shakes, breaks you,
into thousands of pieces?
Betrayal, being upset, anxiety and hurt is part of our brief Life.
The feeling of wanting to channel every energy from my chaotic mind
to a simple, organized and multilayer thoughts of words.

Let me tell you a story.
I wasn't fit enough to socialize around when I was a little kid.
The little kid who grew up wearing thick round glasses since kindygarten
and often bullied for her eccentricity and anti social.
So,Whenever I make new friends, I asked them questions about computer
or video games and internet. Some of them thinks
I'm a freak, some of them thinks I'm cool
and some of them are really, really lost. aha.
I was exposed to technology and gadgets since I was little toddler.
Watches the evolution of inventions.
Learnt how to read, and write at a very young age.
But I have trouble with anxiety and socializing because
I thought to myself that I am an ugly, slow and naive person.
As I grew up, things are very hard for me.
For a little kid.
I find it is excruciating & hard to express emotions.
I keep things to myself.
I fear being hit or scolded physically.
The little girl version of me always ask these complex questions.

1.Why do I have repressed emotions?
2.Why Humans are so scary and abusive?
3.Why people are not cool and nice like my Daddy?
4.Why do people behave like they fear God but they still sins anyway?
5.What is really defined as "good" and "bad" in this world?

The fundamentals of what I held onto until today.
As far I searched in the highs and lows,
My questions seems very subjective and complex.
Maybe I was born as a very introverted person
and one day, I shall grow into a person
that I am suppose to be of what I am now.
The answers kept coming to me as I sit down
or lay down alone.
I am always finding ways to express my thoughts
and emotions at the same time.
The constant battle of logic and emotions.At par.

Well.
Things to learn when people pushed you down to your knees
is to rely on the higher Divine power or whatever entity
that you believe in are

1. Self-reliance.
2. Courage
3. Confidence
4. Patience
5. Forgiving others and yourself

Humans,
No matter who they are to you.
Be it your parents, siblings, families, friends,lovers or stranger.
People will always upset and hurt you, break your spirit
and made mistakes. Intentionally or not.
To forgive others and comfort people,
is the biggest strength and sincerity we can give,
Small deeds. Your intentions.
It grows and sometimes people realized that
we are trying to be kind and patient
to a point of breaking down.

The richness of a soul,
isn't defined by the amount of money in their bank account
or how "successful" they looked to others.
but the unseen deeds and good intentions
towards one another,
The prospective of secrecy and sincerity in doing it.

Just be kind anyways,
It is an act of charity
and integrity
to cleanse our soul
and spread universal goodness.

#2: Run into you

2017-01-26T04:27:00.003+08:00

The feeling of lost and in deep thoughts.

At 3 AM, tears running deep. Things gone awry and disappointment lurking. The problem of human to another human is haunting me.

Here, in the crowd, I can only identify only 1 or 2 people who could mentally connect to me and understand why it is important to be VERY reserved and polite. Modesty and calm. I wanted to get along and keep a limit within the crowd or personal interaction yet I am so lost in my own thoughts.Hopeless and chaotic inside while retaining a poker face expression.

In a bigger scale, the permanent feeling and emotion could not be wipe off. I’m feeling as destroyed as ever. I never felt bad and guilty to my friends and myself to the core of crying. I missed them so much. I grew up with a parent who are as paranoid and strict as you never imagined. I’ve never felt so trapped. Trapped into things that I couldn’t let myself into. Like I have failed to liberate myself and plunge into an endless abyss. I succeeded the job interview and I do have other backup plans if things didn’t went well too. I’m not being a pessimist. I believe that God can change everything into His way. No matter how bad you think your life is, there’s always a SUPERIOR reason and the biggest reason behind everything is HIS LOVE towards you and humans beings are constantly challenged with problems and hardships as a TEST.
Once, I have an ambition to become a preacher, motivator and a scholar who studies about the Holy Quran and all of its tafsir and lived happily ever after by doing things I am passionate about. I admit. It is a quite a naïve life goals but I realized Life doesn’t need to work that way. Took me some extreme roads to discover things are much paradoxical and irony. Such as, if we put God above all the things we do, we will constantly learn how imperfect human beings are and the obvious flaws we tend to overlook in our daily life. You can always read the same page over and over again without ever understanding the real meaning. The most important thing of all, how far along do you realized that good deeds and people will benefit your own soul?

Don’t get me wrong!. This is my inner secret sanctuary. By means, if I were to be remembered by my friends, peers, family and loved one..I want to be immortalized as the person who is writing to you through the ages we met or known each other. I’m a restless childlike soul who is constantly learning, observing and trying to teach myself about Life as a test, not an achievement to impress others, even my family. If you fear Death, you will feel motivated to be good and change every negativity into positive things. You will seek peace instead of finding faults. You will do anything to be comfortable and soothing to others. You will shelter others in pain or hold a place for them,even though they might leave you empty handed and broken-hearted once they feel better about themselves. You know how it feels to have somebody to comfort you when you are in dire need to have a shoulder to cry on. When you see someone who was in your shoe and if the shoe fits, you gave your best shot to help them. You understand the risk and gave your own heart as their shield and a place for them to stay. You tend to keep them safe and close, through miles and distance apart or you endure everything to make them happy. You let people treat you like a doormat and literally forgive them because Lillahi Ta'alla. You don't hold vengeance because it tires the hell out of you.

I wonder how life would be for me in 5 or 10 year time.

Alive or not. It doesn’t really matter to me anymore. I took the road of understanding empathy and serve GOD in my own ways. It means, I am always trying to shelter others in need and constantly reminding myself not to give up during the hard times or when literally nobody is there to hold me. True. I am constantly been missing my friends and the great quality time we had spent together just to make each other smile, laugh or be loud together. I never been this lonely and socially deprived from my peers and like-minded people since after high school, university and college. I'm trying to adapt and hold on because one day, I will see these lovable people again. Years, months, or even in death. I'm going to pour out my feelings for you. I miss you. I miss being the person around you. Each of you who has ever gave me a nice comforting hug or a text saying, "Hey, I'm here now. Don't worry".

I'll never forget the moment where my tears turned into laughter and sincere smile was given.

The feeling of wanting to...

run into you

and latching my soul onto yours.

A memoir towards 2017!

2017-01-06T06:08:00.000+08:00

{*sound of keyboard typing* At 5 am.}

Composing more articles to write and studying on how to pass an editor's test. I think I am more comfortable working on odd hours since my recurring fever subsided and my back stop hurting. Oh,in the meantime, working on a application where I can collaborate and publish my work or ideas to a few websites. I need a proper platform to start on my own personal brand and portfolio of my articles, fiction, poem and Lifehack pro tips and tutorials.

I had plans to start collaborating with my friends on their Youtube channel this year or just help them in setting up anything. I will have to work around to find time and opportunity to brainstorm ideas with them. It could be a vlog, promoting your hobbies or products or broadcasting your hobbies, causes and ideas.

But hey,

let's arrange things bit by bit?

I wrote a book last year but the whole process didn't went well. I lost all of my draft backup copies and due to my health issues. I decided to stop writing because I ran out of ideas and materials to rewrite a draft.. I will start things afresh and find a proper method to recompile my pieces of draft, ideas and research that I collected for my book.

Frankly, 2016 was a very terrible year for me.The last three month I barely survived without crying or feeling trapped into a deep level of depression and gone into a mental breakdown. 2017 seems like many business opportunity coming in and helps me grow to forget about the pain and struggles am I into right now. I have not been responding to many inbox messages, pm's, whatsapp or even wishing you guys a Happy New Year 2017. 

I'm watching all of you that have potentials, either cosplayers, creative outlets, business-minded people and those who wish to expand their outlet or just expressing talents.

Cheers.

Theism part 1

2016-10-06T18:26:00.000+08:00

[As I wrote this post the weather seems too be be weeping with me. LOL. Aha. I just applied for another 2 technical courses and places where I can work & further studies at the same time.]

Now... it's just something to ponder on and I may or may not try to chase it because in the end of the day, no matter how rich, intelligent, well-respected or famous you are, the size of your grave will always the same as others.So be humble. You can only take 3 things into the grave which are; good deeds, knowledge and prayers from your loved ones once your body is buried. Everything in this world is indeed temporary and Life is merely a test for Us, as human being.It's like a simulated reality with no reverse & rewind button.

I am lacking of support when it comes to pursue my dreams.
There are indeed group of people cheering for me, but not as much as from my family.
They always said I took too long or too stupid to figure out what I want in life.
A failure.
A demented whore with mental illness.
A slut
A directionless bitch.

Those are the words I heard. Accusations beyond my own tolerance. Endlessly.I suffered in silence all these years,

All along after my dad's passing, my life has been a complete rock mountain to climb on and yet people said that I am such a pussy for living in depression every now and then. The stormy days and tears that I cried whenever I got hit and abused was countless. Yet.I still hold on to this Life because I had faith even if it's almost completely tarnished or used up. Optimism needs to be filled like a tank of water.I struggle to fill in mine everyday. I am a fighter. Perhaps a survivor too.I will take my own pace and time,no matter how time I failed. I disagree on living my life up the standards of others

I told God, "If you really want to set my life difficulty level to mild hardcore, please give me the 0.03% amount of being genuinely happy like during YOU lend my dad to me. The last 19 years of my life I was a happy person before You called him back HOME to you.So,I figured it out. You MUST had created a bigger and higher purpose for me. Let me be the person I supposed to be and create warmth to those around me. I rather be go Home after I did my best to serve You and make a difference in this temporary world. I need strength like how you had bestowed upon to Your Messenger. If they can endure this life till their last breath, so can I. ."

Sometimes, I think God is being Sadistic to the person that He wants.

Forgive me for stating my opinions.It does sound very offensive. I know.

It's just God wants you to ask for His help when you're really down in life because He misses your Prayers and have an honest confession with Him. An Intimate sincere moment with Him,to Him and Only Him.

But,
at the same time...

You needed to be granted with Patience. You can only ask it from Him.
or..
Just let being left astray if you're done believing in Him. .

If people confessed to me that they are a self proclaimed "Atheist", "Freethinker" or a "humanist", I have no problem with it at all. I'm not someone who forced people to believe in what I believe or do as I said. We have to accept people for who they are inside, not from the appearance or material they posses. To me, we set our minds to our own beliefs. Religion is a very personal matter and always have its own core to educate or brainwash human by in providing virtues, ethics and guides to be a better person. I'll be cool too if people said there's no God or whatever they want to believe because, (believe me) choosing to believe in existence of Hell & Heaven and higher dimension is completely independent and a free will decision.We cannot simply condemn others for their difference and wrong-doing because people grow out of pain and learn from mistakes. A good religion never discriminates others who has lesser knowledge or who is lacking in rationality and doubts. Truth be told,we cannot propagate others to our own personal path and spiritual state. A sincere heart will influence people to do good and be good but it is always up to the effort of an individual himself/herself.
Yes?No?Agree?

"Positivism is something that needs to be channeled,in a non-tangible way".

People need to know about the real deal of having negativity vibes is due to their inability to see light at the end of the tunnel. They needed support and group of people encouraging their good vibes instead of being wrongly misjudge and partook in the process of judging how an individual is living their life. The world is indeed filled with people with bad and corrupt behavior. People who thinks depression will only happen to weak people. People who thinks that their life is so great compare to others.People who thinks their worldly achievement will grant eternal happiness

Yes.We are surrounded by these hybrids of evil and self-delusional soul .

"Toxic humans pretended to look like a Saint, talks like a Prophet and dispose others like God"- original quote from me..

Wishful thinking part 1

2016-10-01T09:10:00.000+08:00

[Now I imagined what could it be if I put my whole life and endeavors into the creative and journalism industry? I could have been somebody well-known for my talents to change the world. Haha. Wow. Sound so illuminati-ish. I’m just trying to express here ]

Sadly.

My family aren’t too fond of entertainment industry as it was perceived, “nonintellectual, dumb and major sidetrack path”. They prefer me to embark on a path where mind power matters instead of the innate talents of an individual possess. I spent my whole time rejecting this beliefs and stigmas. I was a kid who has passion in music, arts, theater, drama and entertainment itself. While being a really active and fit person in my childhood, I had pursued many “non-academic side-journey” as my main interest. By the age of 9, I’ve already been active in joining competitions, clubs and performances in school. I remembered the first time I won a poem competition where I had my own father as my spectator and audience. Carried back home a trophy and a big smile because I was proud of my own work and recognized for it. I spend my early days writing, volunteering, joining workshops and connecting with people for ideas and how-to’s. I think that I was among the cool yet nerdy kid who has the privilege to have a space and platform to express myself. I had no problem in studying but I had to admit, I hate studying certain subjects and have to maintain my scores. My parents wanted me to concentrate more on academic stuff and have a clear sense of direction in Life. I told them, I wanted to be a musician, writer, scientist or programmer someday. Back in the my golden days, I was very enthusiastic when people ask me what are my passions/ambitions/interest in Life. I would talk to them all day and night about it. That was how deeply inspired person I was once upon a time ago. pfft.

Where did all the time go? huh.

Since I loss a parchment of myself due to depression, low self-esteem and nervous disorder all these years, I did find myself emotional and mentally unavailable all my interest into a period of time where it's almost cease to exist.I constantly need to be remind and to find strength and will to go with life as my old cheerful and optimist personality.I struggle to have my optimism and positive vibe again within me during the last these few years after my dad's sudden passing.
As poetic I may sound like, I have been meaning to say that;
” Sometimes things life such as faith and inspiration has to be renewed and filled with new experience and exposure from time to time. It’s like a bottle that needs to be filled with water when it’s all used up as roots needs water and nutrients for growth. ”
In my opinion,If you really compared yourself to a strong and well respected person in the society, they are just the same like you but they’ve been struggling in their own personal route too. I have to tell myself that it is okay to waste TIME trying to chase the dreams I had, even if it’s for a short term or in a limited time frame. It’s not how the progress that people should acknowledged, it’s the process along the way that counts. I actually cared about the process of starting into a journey and calculated the rate of success. I know, I am a natural overthinker and I analyzed the level challenges, setbacks of a particular route or decision before diving into it.In depth of my own spirituality, I wish God to ease the challenges in this Dunya and help me pass each obstacle, pinnacle and test before my time on Earth is UP . I wish to be reunited once again with all my beloved, especially my father in the akhirah.The man who teaches a lot about life and gave me so much comfort for the last 19 years of my life. He was one of the biggest inspiration that I had in this entire lifetime which I don't know how long or short. I believe in myself that I was born to make changes and inspire others in my own ways too. I longed for peace and solitude, and mostly, peace and solitude happens to be achievable during Death.

Although I’m not a fan of long term plans but here’s a few wishful plans for my life. Some choices that I’ve been thinking in order:

1) Marriage

Too bored of the hook-up, arguing, break-ups, and dating again repetition process honestly.
I’m considering marriage proposal if there’s a guy who came to me with a sincere intention/effort or proper channel to get to know me me well. If I were to get married by this age (now I’m 24 which is very unlikely.duh.), I wanted someone who is far much more independent and dynamic as myself because I could not stick to the mindset & traditions of “Malays” (although I'm not fully Malay) that women should stay at home and not be working or studying anymore after getting married. I would also want a simple reception and a cheap dowry for my wedding. I don't want to make the process of getting married to me be such a troublesome,frustrating and challenging process for my husband's side. It's enough for me to have have a simple akad nikah at the mosque with family,relatives and friends.No need to be extravagant and lavish wedding. Malays are weird, they condemn the thinking of modern and evolution women for being too liberal and going against orthodox beliefs and mentality. As far as I had been thinking about my future spouse, he has to be mentally strong enough for us to build the future and empire together for our future children. My future spouse is someone who will give me full support, understanding and comfort in times of my distress and irrationality. I will pledge my full obedience as a devoted wife to cater all his needs and wants which is including; doing cooking. laundry, household or anything that he wanted to be served of. Responsibilities as a wife will always be my top priority and treat him with full respect,care and love. This may sound corny and cheesy AF, but I’d say yes to anyone who proposed and said,”I’m ready to make you as my wife and lead you to be a better person. We will strive for Jannah together and set good examples for our future sons and daughters if we are blessed to have any within our lifetime”

Okay Moon.It’s time to stop! That’s enough for showing a romantic and sweet side of me. (Yes,for a zillion times thinking about marriage. It’s affirmative to tell that I’m ready to settle down as soon as I have my own stability in career & study field and have a good man who is willing to take care of me till my last breath or the opposite way, I don’t expect marriage to just pop up from thin air or a corny pickup line from a delusional sexually frustrated man that just want sex or wanted to know my bust size despite claiming to be "alim"or "menundukkan pandangan". Believe me.I met so many hupocrites who used religion to court me into a long term and serious relationship)
I'm a 38 C cup btw,

Ain't that size is lit enough to rock a guy in bed? aha, I'm very sure of that, but sadly guys I'm not desperate to get laid

2) Of Career choices & education pursue

I’ve set to get married by the age of 25 or 26, and career is one of the second most important aspect of my life goals. I am willing to re allocate myself and move somewhere far from Kuching or KL, if it involves in choosing my ideal job and career. I considered working in an IT firm or being a writer full time (but other jobs is also considerable) while finishing my degree/masters/PHD as I do not want to burden my future husband. I’ll make sure to make him and our children to be proud of my achievement. This is my promise to them, if I'm allowed to live long and normally as other human being on this Earth. (Don't worry, future hubby. I'll make sure our kids to feel proud of their mom.)

Ideas of symphony.

2016-09-27T21:12:00.000+08:00

[Nujabes- Luv sick part 2 (instrumental) was playing in the background while I wrote this. I highly recommend people to listen to this track. It’s beautiful and soothing. Such a great majestic masterpiece by the late Japanese DJ/Hip Hop producer, Seba Jun. DO GIVE IT A LISTEN to this track while reading my blog post! TEE HEE ]

How am I trying to progress in life despite struggling with health issues?

By initiating multiple group & self-projects, work,volunteering, hobbies and doing many research on certain topics.During the last few months, I was busy writing my book about the state of human mind and spirituality called, “Tunnel”. Sadly, my health and time has been distorting this specific long term project and I find it hard to finish it on time. It’s a personal book and compilation of inspiration that I had obtained from people and books. There are days, I hunger for more new substances, knowledge and materials for the sake of the book itself. I showed the sample to my friends and they were saying, “Moon. This book is so fucked up. It’s so heavy and poetic. My mind feels like being raped” and “You’re a fantastic writer. It’s not my type of genre, sadly”.Sigh I get a lot of critic and sappy remarks, I guess. Maybe this book isn’t meant for normal and lazy thinkers. I had to leave this book writing project for a while or rewriting it in a simpler, lighter and easy to comprehend version.

Anyways...

There are websites and blog company that wanted to hire me as their fulltime writer and columnist. I could only work on late nights and certain days. So,I wasn’t be able to give them a full-time commitment because I had others responsibilities to attend to and I’m restricted to always be on the go. I’m a person who loves working with and around people but also prefer working independently at the same time. In simpler words, I have to stay balanced and strive for productivity and efficiency to “work smart, but play harder”. Yeah. I don't really support the idea of being a workaholic myself. I’m not somehow who works really hard unless it intrigues me or requires the decree of originality & creativity more than the rest. I lay my head and body to rest if I’m tired and rush for the dateline. I work at my best when it’s near to the end or when I feel my creativity is kicking in. Writing and composing needs time and consume a lot of mental energy,agree? (Admit it people, if you’re doing your assignment and office paper work, you’ll start to be all dizzy and lazy or needing find "motivation")

In conjugation of my vloging and reviving this blogging space which I started again very recently, I think the idea of trying my best to distract myself is absolutely filled with risk and low expectations because I do not want to go all out to expose my personal life to gain fame and publicity. I will keep it low and hidden from the rest .It's okay for me to go big in my music projects, webshows, sketches,arts, poetry and careers but NEVER GO LOUD if it involves my personal space or memoriam of myself to my friends and people who really had knew me up close and personal. The purpose for me to go on with writing piece of digital memory about my life is to be immortalized on the net and preserved as the person I wanted to be. It's somehow creepy and sad but I wanted to be known or be found somewhere & somehow after I'm gone. To be honest, I wanted to be remembered eternally as a person that loves to express their thoughts and soul in writing, to help relate myself with others or open their minds as if I'm going to live forever.

Highlights of the past.

Last April before my last work trip with the bank to Sibu-Mukah-Daro-Semop. I was invited to my first Social Entrepreneurship event at BCCK (Borneo Convention Center Kuching) called SEHATI 2016. It was initiated by MaGic Shd Bhd. The first company of its kind and give a head on start ups to local entrepreneurs and exposure about SE to fellow Malaysian. They had been organizing successful bootcamps and programmed nationwide. It was a very well organized and received event indeed.Most of the attendees are university and college students, NGO's and young entrepreneurs. I had great time meeting people there even though I was alone. There are people with special needs who came there as guest of the talk show. Not so surprisingly, many of them came to hug me and smile. Some of them are very warm and innocent, I had the chance to talk greet and met the CEO of the company. The crew and excos there were nice and professional too.I did grab the opportunity a lot of question about the future of SE and support programme/apprenticeship. It was a very inspiring event for me for sure.

Some memories of the SEHATI 2016:

The paper folder which contain booklets and pamphlets of their itinerary

The stage set up. I was sitting nearby the speakers and CEO's.

Random students taking selfie with me at the stage.

During the selfie with strangers challenge.

With one of the special needs children.

Living with autism and down syndrome. He was trained to

do crafts and arts. Gave me a sudden hug before I left the stage.

The founder and CEO of MaGIC Shd Bhd, Ehon Chan.

Very young and aspiring. He told me to keep on doing the things

I had passion on and give social impact.

The emcee of the SEHATI 2016. Very fun and entertaining guy on stage

Also the exco and crew for MagIC SE programme.

We share the same kind of smile!

It's really great to know that there are group of passionate people trying to make a difference and solve social issues by creating impact to the society while generating income. I'd support any kind of event and bootcamps that allows local businesses and young entrepreneur for this noble cause. Hoping for more Malaysians to have the courage and expose themselves in making a difference to the society. This kind of thing makes the world a better place to live and create individual filled with kindness and generosity.

Till then, "Whatever happens, happens" ciao. I love you all.

The assasination of fear

2016-09-27T05:11:00.001+08:00

[I dedicated this post to all my friends and readers. Part 3 of my long wrenching struggle. It's somewhere full with uncertainty and in confusion?]

Have you ever been in two state of contrasting situation at the same time?

The extreme of feeling happy and sadness, in parallel. Mirroring each other.
It's as almost as impossible to think the outcome and layers of well-being I could become but I too, had tried to disperse negativity away. Each time I tried to think positively that I could heal my sickness; mental and physical, I would end up miserably crying. I don't really see the purpose of having a long term goal anymore nor wanting to live my life fully as myself in a happy version. I'm currently an image of what people expect me to be. I am expected to act smart, cheerful and rational all the time. Too much expectations, it really breaks me from the inside.Mind you, my social medias are just for mere camouflage and keeping in touch with the outside world or work purposes
It's not that I haven't tried to be as normal as possible and act coherently to society wills but I haven't seen the way out of this ailment and fears.It's been a full 5 month of exhausting cycle of terrible nightmares and losing the will to live as a happy human being. The stigmas and dogmas of people around me is depression are induced by the "Devil" himself and can easily go away.I think the statement was a bit of exaggeration and metaphorically invalid. It takes time and courage to heal oneself from depression and feeling abandoned all the time. In other cases like mine,if you're suffering mental and nervous disorder ever since your childhood, it would just evolve from a smaller wave into a bigger ones through childhood and adulthood. I'm completely aware of my circumstances and barricades which enables me reach out to as many people who can relate with similar dispositions and major setbacks especially my friends and people who came to me. The problem is sometimes I couldn't predict where and when my thoughts get too clogged up as I become too scared of living & telling people that I'm not doing well and I need support.

My explanations are

Here it is, the brutal truth: My fears are my sickness which are caused by battling long time depression and nervous breakdown disorder that seems to come and go in fierce cycles.Then later on, in 2013 I was diagnosed with hypertension,chronic gastric and kidney problems because of the lifestyle I've been living for almost 5 years. Likewise, I have mentioned in my older post, I have no appetite or feeling like wanting to eat at all for weeks and days (even though I'm hungry as hell). There are times I could stay healthy and try to eat well but it's also exhausting because I'm tired of being in pain. It's a long struggle and road to where I am now. I tried to reach out to as many of my good friends and people who has been in similar charade with me, but end up also feeling it doesn't really ease my pain much. They told me to take it easy and chill with life. Don't go too serious nor be strict about it. Keep on fighting and praying.Keep on smiling. Keep on making people comfortable around me.

BUT..

Nowadays,day-to-day basis seems to be a horrible timeline for me.

I was being restricted when my feet and body aches.There are times I couldn't get out the bed or walk. Struggling to breath and passed out or have to rush to the nearest chair/bed/sofa. There are bruises and swelling all over my body sometimes. Sudden fever and allergy symptoms. All the vomiting and bleeding. Trying to calm myself down and telling myself that it's going to be alright. Praying that things will end up well. It is very self consuming and it takes a lot for me to go on each and every day, with these restriction. Whenever I saw people posting delicious meals and interesting places to go, I knew I wouldn't have the chance to be well or to live long enough to be able going to these places because there are 50-50 chance, I will lose my faith in this struggle or just give up everything. All I wish, if I were to die sooner or later, I want to thank those who has been a part of my life and tell them that I had loved them with all my heart and soul.

Here's a normal conversation that usually happened:

<*Whenever my family and friends discuss about living.*>

I will act like a complete asshole or pussy
I will reply, "okay" if they asked me or tell me anything
If they asked me, "Do you have plans?"
I will reply," Sort of. Maybe, depends"
If they asked me, "What's wrong?"
I will reply, "I have little faith for long term things"
If they asked me, "Are you sick? Unhappy? You seemed happy"
I will reply, "How am I suppose to react to your question?"

That's how detrimental my conditions are. My taboos are about living. I rather not think about
anything based on long term commitment. You see, I see life as a commitment and people
expected me to live well and normally. The problem is I want to live in the moment and try
to stay cool and rational all the time. The highs and lows of emotions are distracting and
side-tracking due to mental and physical setbacks. Despite I'm a highly functioning individual
who has the ability to change the world and making difference around me thru my works and arts,
I solemnly believe that one day, if I should go early and vanished. I want to make a difference.

"I beg this life to go easy on me.I beg the pain to be lesser.I beg to still have even the smallest hope to experience joy.I beg to be myself more.I beg to have a day saying to myself, "I had lived for this moment"

I hope I still be around.Sorry if this post has been disturbing to some. I love you all.

Of Flashbacks and setbacks

2016-09-26T08:00:00.000+08:00

[I was terribly triggered by the time I wrote this. So,I advised people who has mild depression and low self-esteem to stay away from reading melancholic blog post like this. It’s bad for your health,Okay?PG18+ post ahead. lolz ]

What did actually happened from May- September 2016?

I was hoping the effects of medication to wear off. I meant; by the hallucinations and strange voices I heard every single night, it feels like I’m going down, to the brink of insanity. My mother thought I was happy and calm person, due to my repressive nature of trying to function well. She was surprised why my state of saying, “I'm okay” hasn’t changed even for a bit for all these years. She would try to do anything to see my reactions and how it’s like to be triggered. There are days when I isolated myself from speaking or communicating from anyone despite I was online 24/7. I usually post things on my facebook, mostly on major "heavy" topic materials, science articles, tech news and humor. The truth is I don’t want to be labelled as insane and unwell/troubled or traumatized. So, whatever it takes to make myself look normal, I will plunged myself acting into it, until the pressure became a turmoil and create a catastrophe to myself. I knew that I screwed myself for being such a passive-aggressive person in times of distress.

I was feeling tired and have no appetite to eat all the time in these few months. Unmotivated and have little interest of whatsoever people around me intent to do with their lives. These fluctuation of mood swings and terrible sudden nervous breakdown made every second and every day of my life feel like I should leap to death from the twentieth floor and hoping to be pronounced “Dead on Arrival” and my body to be taken fresh to be bathed. No needing for autopsy.Someone has to report my death for documentation purposes. Get ready some kain kafan and dig the grave plot for burial. That is how far my suicidal thoughts develops. I admit, I made friends with a lot depressed and toxic humans around me. Plus, I was in love with a mad person who indulge himself in gore and graphic explicit inhuman materials for years and I developed the same interest with him which was watching blood, killing and sadistic materials on the dark net. Why? I simply wanted to understand his psychopath nature and I regret it because it turned me into a mini psychopath too, as I got addicted to the materials which we watched together. (yea, I agreed the fact that I was strangely drawn to anything bad and psychotic that he did as I was very young and gullible at the time I dated him) He introduced me to everything morbid and asked me to abandon religion because he said “religion and God is overrated”. So, the love story that I had with him isn’t what like normal couple does. Believe me. Being abused and crying becomes normal and he would apologized and then talked nicely, hugging and kissing me like he will change his behaviors. He knew he has made me into his puppet and a camouflage because I kept coming back to him. I’m still haunted by the past things and somehow whatever happens in the year 2010-2014 is recurring back as memories and sudden flashbacks.

I was also in a state full of confusion and anxiety. Every time my old flame and admirers expressed how they wanted me to accept them as a future soulmate and be in relationship. I fear my past is still lurking and worst thing could happened is my own death and I will lose them forever. I was struggling with panic attacks and suicide attempts these few months. I told them, I wasn’t ready and I did push most of my best friends and old love interest away. In fact, I had to because I do not want them to worry as my mental and physical health deteriorate. I love them so much that I had to leave them and act like a complete asshole. I prayed that things will work out for them because I don’t want to live as a burden and drag them into a hole of despair. No matter what they did and said to me, I felt that they deserve someone better and have someone at their own same level. It is not fair for them to be with someone like me. I felt my whole world is crushed when I decided to ignore and cut off communication with them for their own sake. I wanted them to be happy and not get affected with my conditions and illness.

There times when I needed ideas and inspiration to write and draft my work goes stalling.I can’t recount how many times I procrastinated and went into a state where I was unable to concentrate and relapse into crying and finding myself in a terrible bad mood. It’s where the voices and hallucinations or “things” come into my mind and inflicted me with nightmares and extreme paranoia. It took over me whenever I started crying and I blanked out. I don’t remember what I did and when I snapped back to reality. I was writing absurd things or reaction almost like a “happy-drunk-aggressive-lady”. I feel like there’s something else taking over me. People may say it’s just a reverse personality disorder, but reality is we know what it is. A state of induced psychosis and could result in self-harm & injury if left untreated. In spiritual term, it is called possessed. I don’t want to go further into that because well, the eerie and creepy feeling of being “somebody who is non-existential” sometimes freaks me out. The battle to not let them in is real and on going. The feeling of things following and seeing them is real. It’s just how far do I have to go to get rid of these “induced pyschosis” leaves me puzzled. Am I too lonely till it gets into me? Or am I too relying on God to save my poor soul? I often questioned that. Up until this moment.

Okay back to the title. The flashbacks!

Especially with my ex. It bugs me.The last few years, I couldn’t even remember what we did together and the so called “happy time” moment because the ratio of unpleasant things he did and forced me into is higher than all the “lovey dovey” things which are normal in a dating relationship. The night when my dad passed away begins to fade but as I entered the hospital again. Everything came to my mind just like yesterday. The sound of my mom screaming my name when she received emergency news about my grandma made me traumatized too. The death threats that I received. The night where I was literally almost being kidnapped and taken hostage by my classmate. Yes, bad flashbacks. I had repressed each bad incidents that happened but it distorted my emotions instead when these feeling of being unworthy recurred. I beg for these horrifying flashback to stop. I have yet to know the cause because it could be the side effect of the pills or it’s just my memories are getting clearer?

'''sorry peeps. I had written so many detailed about what I am going through. I really hope it helps me in healing my mental and spiritual health. Even if it doesn’t do much, at least it release bits of pain and secrecy of being hunted by the past and having trouble to remember where it all begins.Ciao. I love you all

The terrible state of fear and annoyance.

2016-09-25T04:32:00.000+08:00

I haven't been able to update this blog due to other commitments..

So yea. I'm stuck between being an introvert and extrovert lately.

It is a province of reality where people start screaming at you and tell you that you’re not good enough. It is a part of human behavior that I cannot tolerate. People use your sexuality to judge and question what you did for a living and also past mistakes to hold a benchmark for your performance and intellects. Most of people wonder what it’s like to live with people who are far too narcissistic and still love them.I am telling you exactly! here!
It’s asphyxiating, mundane and linked to wordplay of oxymoron! Basically, it's a hardcore love-hate relationship. It’s like flying and crashing over and over again. Repeat the process endlessly. A loop.

What a fucking terrible state of mind I have.

What I have been suffering since I came back to Kuching?

Anxiety disorder and extreme depression which leads to more serious physical illness and chronic hypertension.I'm also on and off medications because it started to fuck with my appetite and having really bad mood swings. At times, I cried for no apparent reason.I started to cry and feel shaken endlessly even knowing the standing fact that I still have a very bright future but I’m stuck with someone that would not allow me to be creative as possible, I started to think every way to end my pain including self harm, ways to suicide (like the voices that I heard every night) and includes indulging myself in short term relationship with assholes and doucebags and constantly feel bad about leaving them within the last three years.

(in depth of my story and relationship experience):
The number of exes after I dated my abusive-and depressive relationship is none. I dated him by end of 2010 till on and off 2013.After that I went into another serious relationship till I broke off. After the break ups, I participated in a lot blind dates via social media apps (facebook,whisper, wechat, beetalk etc) and went out with many people from different backgrounds as my own social experiments. LOL.Almost all of them had the courage to take me into bed or check-ins with them, hoping to have intimate relationship where sex becomes their main priority to own me as a toy or as a trophy to score. The sooner I see where the relationship is heading, the sooner I will always try to brainwash them and leave them or let them leave me. I knew I played a dangerous game by letting these kind of people into my life but I had fun tho, some of them are rich, handsome, well-educated and acting like pious angel that would “take me to Jannah” but actually a rotting asshole inside. It leads me to an expectation where dating is somewhat a milestone to see who acts as a controller and be controlled.Some of them wanted knowledge,status sex or money because they expected me to give in easily to them while playing the cards of “Hey, we might meant for each other because you understand me so well” urgh. What a total bullshit!

One way or another, break-ups is like a game to me after doing such terrible decision. It leaves me into a state of endless depression because I never had any long term relationship after my 3 years of being totally truly madly in love with a man who suffer from chronic depression and abusive behavior because he acts like a complete psychopath and violence. At times, I wondered if it’s my mistakes to leave him mercilessly because I couldn’t take it anymore even becoming his friend and hearing anything single remark from him disgust me. The pain, insults and hurt he gave to me is playing on my mind, every single day. Am I still in love with him? No.I don’t think so. I don’t even remember the last time I smiled when people called his name at my face or talks anything to do with my marriage with him if we were still together. I gave him too many chances and one day, I got fed up and call it a quit when he brings up the idea of our engagement day.He already bought a ring which I refuse to believe he bought as a debt or the ring does not exist at all. Just an act to make up things with me. Am I evil? I don’t know. I knew that a 3 year old relationship and going through ups and downs with him will end up somehow. I made him as a friend, lover and a caretaker the moment I knew he could be saved before ruining others in those 3 years of our deep relationship. I knew it is going to end, far along the way because I can’t see him being a changed man. Until today, my friends and family still talks to me about reconciling and being his friend once again. Giving him a chance. It leaves me disappointed. I wished they could stop saying like he’s “The One”. Clearly, I can’t think about him anymore. I wish I can erase my history with him but most of journey begins with him. He taught me to question about God and Life more because of his depressed nature. He taught me to believe that I am pretty and valuable.

Living with a parent that has a constant paranoia and unable to move one after death of loved one is hard. I sometimes had to give in all of my time and act very “obedient” despite I hate acting good all the time. I tried to hide away my depression,sadness and anxiety when I was with her. Fake my smiles & laughter, engaging in adult talks and real life shitty issues about people that is mostly gossip and judgmental. I had to keep away my friends being judged and keep them having a bad perspective about my family. I played the middle man. Trapped between into two levels of perception. First, I have to maintain good relationship with my mom and try to do her shits. Things that she wanted me to do, until it’s far beyond reachable.I can’t comprehend her level of perfectionism and ignorant. She wanted to be pleased all the time. I have no devotions to have a life like what she wanted or planned for me. I do not want to be her successor and grow up to be an orthodox and shallow-thinking like her. I can’t see myself doing routines or being in an office from 9-5 or being a lecturer trying to handle students or a full time lawyer/politicians/writer/ambassador/diplomat like how she brags around with her friends. I rather not be what she wanted me to be because if I were to become any of her career choices, I think I would not be able to pursue my interest in arts, language, music and programming. I wanted a life full with adventures and meeting new people each day. Yes.The extreme nomadic life because I don’t want to be too attached to people.I'm an introvert with extroverted thinking & abilities. I rather chill with only one or two bestfriends or just a lover who is independent enough to converse with me if I'm nowhere near him. Also, I rather dedicate this life to my work and people who needed to be reach out, especially those who suffer from low self-esteem , depression and doing self-harm despite being a high-functioning individual. I decided to take this life as canvas to be painted with all the colors we should be able to experience. I think parents thinks way too much and wanted their children to be “safe” all the time. I think too much about what they think. So it is made me grow into someone very mental and depressive as my mind trapped me into believing that I am incapable doing anything for myself and lived my life as myself. I am constantly worried of what my family thinks of me for breaking the rules and being the blacksheep of the family because I always started my things late. I will always took my time and regain my momentum twice after failures. I will try my best dying for the things I want in this Life.

I wrote many personal issues on my blog and did many vlogs lately for the sake of my own journey and documentation. To remind my future self that I had gone through a lot and inspire myself each time I’m down on my knees. I know this may sound cliché but why not have a very personal and deep perspective about yourself? Maybe some people are too afraid to tell themselves that they are amazing just the way they are. I am amazing as the way I am. I will. I will keep fighting, but if I failed. I hope my words will inspire my admirers, fans, friends and whoever happens to read this. Ciao. I love you guys."

Ramadhan Kareem

2016-06-09T16:47:00.001+08:00

The Holiest Month of All.
It is a month where you see
and look into your deepest
strength and weeknesses.
Spiritual growth is the
most important thing in
order to be a well-functioning
human.
To God,Omnipotent.
We need to walk and run
to His Mercy.
We need to cleanse ourselves
from all the negative vibe.
All of this in this month
of Ramadhan Kareem.
I find myself seeking His
Forgiveness and being hopeless
because of my imperfections
and mistakes that I did with
or without intentions.

My mindset:
We need to correct
and fix the negative in us.

Success never comes easy.

2016-05-28T03:14:00.001+08:00

As we kissed all night long
He wondered in mind;
"Will this last forever?"
We let in a few more slow kisses,
the tenderness of smooching lips
until he resonates his fear
I touched his chest and said,
"Love, through Heaven and Hell,
within a thousand Lifetime that
we may or may not have,
I will still choose you to latch upon,
My whole universe, I came
To shine within you Presence
My soul breathes on you.
We belong in realm of madness.
And my madness is US.
Forever. My Paradiss. You! "

-wordlesspeech-

2016-05-27T14:12:00.001+08:00

Life is not about yourself and others. It is about how you understand meaning behind the smallest,little and detail things around us.We,human tend to see the biggest and clearest view of all the things that we did (from actions, words and knowlegde) and must have a clear or definite goal. We see problems, hardships and mistakes as a punishment or a way to remind us of what is good and bad. I see Life as a journey to find what is being Human is all about and being rigidly strong as who you are inside, despite nobody understands you. Life is a dedication to make changes in your own ways, pace and capacity. You can shine in whatever you choose to be. See, people. You don't need people to approve and support your thoughts because we need to be self sufficient and kind to ourselves. We need pain to grow. We need to know how to endure the most absurb circumstances and tragic loss for personal enhancement. I think most people complain their life too much. Talks about money, status and having the most perfect partner/job/education/followers all the goddamn time. Go compare your life with war refugees, chronic cancer patients,rape/abuse victims and people with mental or physical disabilities.
You will appreciate Life as a gift to you

2016-05-26T15:05:00.001+08:00

"Your fingers,dear.." I remarked.
"What about them, sweetheart?" He asked.
I instinctively reached for his hands
and interlaced our fingers together.
"They're belong to mine! " I said after I kissed his lips tenderly.

We blushed and hold on even tighter.

-wordlessspeech-

2016-05-26T14:08:00.001+08:00

I'm a girl.
I appeared out of nowhere.
Fallen in love again,
with you.
Saw you through years.
That night I sat next to you
Wondering, "Are you The One?"
My mind went whispering
"Surprise! He is. Take your time"
He looks at me A smile.
I bloomed.
I knew, he'll be my Paradise.
I love you.

-Wordlesspeech-
follow me @moonxyle92

2016-05-25T21:35:00.001+08:00

The human soul,
is funny and delusional.
One who expects too much,
She/He will be dissappointed
if their expectations lack from the outcome.
I had spent my whole Lifetime,
obeying a perfectionist tradition;
And every single mistakes,
wrong moves,wrong people,
misplacing stuff never missed being counted and recalled.
I regret my silence and changed
into someone who is very passive-aggresive.
Unpredictable and radical.
I grew up enduring emotional
and physical pain for many,many years.
I was in a very deep stage of
depression since I came to know
the meaning of failure and
how it is like to move on from a death
of a loved ones.
I do still get episodes of suicidal tendency and being in a short term major depression.
I hid it so well that nobody knows
I'm hurting very much, everyday.
Honestly, it is in my blood to follow rules
and order to be succesfull like "the rest".
Spent my whole lifetime proving
to be the smartest and approval of others,
to satisfy these kind of people.
For status, recognization, wealth and
glory of a name within a bloodline.
They fed me poison of worldly happiness.
For years had gone by,
after my father's passing
I stood still in times of needing
a loving arm to hold me and encourage
me to move forward.
Surviving day by day
in hope of meeting of a paradise
that will comfort my anxiety
and kiss away the tears of suffering.
As I tried moving on these dark phase,
I collected pieces of strength in
each soul that I met along the way
Tried to see what makes them
strong and rigid inside as a human.
It was an honour to be with
these kind of people.
It is not my duty to judge anyone
that I befriended and been close to.
The "bad" ones teaches me to have a mindset that will burn anyone with their actions and ignore emotions of others.The "Good" ones teaches me to be patient and always remember good deeds of people whenever the "bad" hurt/betray me.

I lose my vibe and cheerful personality,under circumstances where I had no support and anyone to talk to.
I lose my health and mental well-being,
whenever I was pushed down beyond my limits.

Yes. Welcome to my inspiration.

It is made from fear, tears and pain.
I write mostly to others who felt alone
and become their melody, to sing the song of Life with full vibrant expressions and moving words.

2016-05-25T18:55:00.001+08:00

You see people, you never know what it's like being trapped in mild depression although the stage is no longer suicidal/harmful but you wished to suicide with 100 percent of success rate of Death as an outcome and finally can lie down in a coffin. Resting eternally after all the bullshit you had in your lifetime. I am struggling to live each day and each second, fighting my ways to smile and be happy, to provide others with warmness. That is why I wrote things mostly about depression and human soul. I really want to educate people on the strength of human soul to influence and empower others by having good vibes and spread positive things. I want to grow humanity larger.

Parang, the first Borneo Card Game

2016-05-25T07:26:00.001+08:00

"Parang,the game"

The fusion of Borneo culture into a card game.A game company, Beast of Borneo based in Kuching created this masterpiece game. Thus, "Parang" the card game has succesfully gotten the crowd into a new dimension of playing and social interacting with people in this smartphone era while still preserving a sense of identity of the Iban culture.The pioneer of its kind. Borneo headhunting card game. A very cool concept. The players has their own unique ways to win the game and collect "Antu Pala" (head trophies) to become the winner.

As a matter of fact, the whole idea and design of the game itself stands out and made its objectives as a "get-along-game".
and naturally enjoyable for individuals from all walks of Life.

Regardless old you are, race and identity is not a problem. The game is very simple to understand and most people learn to become the winner as they played it along.

Stay tuned for more info of "Parang", the card game and details.

2016.

2016-05-24T01:33:00.001+08:00

2016!

WARNING!
This is a major appreciation post!
After the first few months of 2016,
I finally managed to escape
mental torture by secluding
myself alone. Away from toxic
negative vibes and suffocatng relationship. I'm proud to say that
I'm still sane and feeling alive.
Although I gotten myself into many chronic illness and hospitalized a few times, I managed to pull myself up.
Again and again, even it's damn tiring.
Back to the real deal.
These are the list of awesome people
whom I dedicated this post for:
My two super best friend Choomie and Aiman.(They both saved me from self-destruction by helping me doing a sweet surprise to my mom, which I initiated and keen doing of since my dad's passing)
Mr AA (or as he wanted
as a sense of mysterious suave charming
gentlemen, so let's be sweet and call him Mr. Arsyan. *cough* a soldier in his own ways and a loveable person )
My fellow team members
of Puakateam, cosplayers
and old buddies since uitm & primary school.
Each individual gave me a push forward
to keep doing my best in Life .

After all,what is life without wanting to have a gripful of support from others that we want to trust very much?

I can't be thankful enough and blessed more than I already am. Each of them showed me that life is so much easier if we know
how to share, teach and willing to
listen in a positive ways.
In these tough and challenging times.
They made me feel like home.
I love them with every parts of
broken heart and soul of mine.
Without these awesome people
that I had mentioned, I do not have much
strength to go on and outgrow physical
loneliness day by day until now.

As I entered mid of 2016.
I regain my courage to hold on
to my passions and old self that
believes in the arts of language
and expression.

Currently working on a few personal projects;
my books, vlogs, original quotes
and content writer in various topic. (yeay!)

I believe that the best intentions
are meant to be tested if we decided to act upon doing it, sincerely.

God does gives back what He has taken away from us, by replacing it with something new and fresh. Things beyond our expectations.

Thank you so much people for everything
we shared. Those silly text at any time of day,intimate conversations and personal
wishes.Turning my tears into a burst of
laughter in a matter of few seconds, minutes or hours.

I am nothing, without the support
and encouragement that I received so far.

Just a humble piece post of thank you,
and how I wanted to be remembered for.

Untill then. Stay blessed peeps.

Stay awesome. :)