Dude, Are You Serious?

Like Big Ben's Victim, I'm DTF, Baby

2010-05-07T11:42:00.000-04:00

I haven't posted in a while mostly because I've been dealing with this little incident I had with Ben Roethlisberger down south. That and I gots this new gig with COED Magazine to write a weekly column previewing the newest movies to hit theaters called, "Movies This Week". Thrown off by the uber-creative title? Don't believe me? Then click on these links then kindly G then F then Y:

Movies This Week: May 7th

Movies This Week: April 30th

Movies This Week: April 23rd

Movies This Week: April 17th

Movies This Week: April 9th

Movies This Week: April 4th

Movies This Week: March 26th

Once you're done GFYing, check out my COED write-ups for sci fi comedy "Hot Tub Time Machine" and all-star action flick "The Expendables". Before you soy milk all over the place, take deep breaths and keep your eyes peeled for previews of Throbbin' Hood and MACGRUBER!!!!!!!

Speaking of MacGruber... which, shouldn't I write, "Writing of MacGruber" since I'm not technically speaking it out loud. Actually, I do speak out loud as I type, just like in any TV or film scene where they don't show the screen. Anyweigh, typing of MacGruber, Playboy.com produced a parody of the SNL skit upon which the movie is based. It stars the lovely Jersey resident and Miss March 2009, Jennifer Pershing, as MissGruber who might be into chicks.

Btw, I f*cking hate movies. Ironic, right?

Money For Nothing, Agents That Are "Free" (New York Giants Football)

2010-03-01T00:25:00.000-05:00

March 5th marks the start of the first free agency season without a salary cap for the NFL since 1994. In the simplest terms, the absence of a salary cap means players need to have played at least 6 seasons to become an unrestricted free agent. The three classes of free agency are below.

UFA (Unrestricted free agent)

Player in uncapped year with six or more accrued seasons whose contract has expired.
This player may sign a contract with any NFL team, and their previous team gets no compensation in any form.
The signing period for unrestricted free agents begins in early March and concludes on the first scheduled day of the first NFL training camp (mid to late July).
If an offer is tendered by the previous team on or before June 1st and the player doesn’t sign with anyone, rights revert to that team after the first scheduled day of training camp.

RFA (Restricted free agent)

Player in uncapped year with at least three accrued seasons whose contract has expired.
The signing period for restricted free agents concludes in mid-April
Previous team can make a qualifying offer to obtain the right of first refusal, the right to match, or the right to be compensated for losing the player.

EFA (Exclusive restricted FA)

Player whose contract expires at a time when he has fewer than three accrued seasons.
If his former club makes him an offer at the three year veteran minimum salary, player can take it or leave the NFL. (ouch)

The Giants don't stand to lose a whole lot this offseason, but that doesn't mean they should remain idle. Below is a breakdown of whose contracts have expired along with my thoughts on who they should sign.

New York Giants Unsigned Unrestricted Free Agents:

QB
David Carr
Re-sign him. He's looked good in mop up duty.

P
Jeff Feagles
He's the MVP of the team. Hasn't shown any signs of decline in performance.

DL
Fred Robbins
Ol' Baskin's best seasons were in '06 and '07, but only managed to start 12 games this past season. Sack numbers declined as did tackles. Entering his 11th season, Giants might be wise to look at other options.

LB
Antonio Pierce (CUT)
Sad to see AP go. He definitely has the game down mentally, often successfully counteracting audibles with his own, but I can't stand to watch him get burned by RBs and TEs in coverage anymore.

Danny Clark
Danny's entering his 11th season in 2010 and didn't inspire me or create any excitement. If he did sign with another team, I think we could find a replacement.

New York Giants Unsigned Restricted Free Agents:

WR
Derek Hagan
Giants are deep at the receiver position. If Derek receives an offer from another team, we can hope to get a pick out of it.

Sinorice Moss
He's a nice dude, but I just don't think he'll ever live up to his potential in NYC. Let him sign elsewhere and hopefully get a draft pick for him

OL
Kevin Boothe
Definitely need to re-sign Kev. Guy stepped in nicely when Seubert went down to injury.

Guy Whimper
As much as I'd like him to sign with another team so I don't have to see or her his last name, he's a skilled reserve who can fill in when needed. Can we at least try to change his last name? Guy Stomper? Guy Thunderboltstormtrooper? Something. Jeez.

DL
Barry Cofield
If Robbins departs, it's crucial to re-sign Barry. He's a major force up front, clearing the way for linebackers to stop the run. The entire D is a major concern but if we lose Robbins and Cofield, we could endure another long record-setting season for points scored against and yards allowed.

LB
Gerris Wilkinson
In four seasons, Kendra's long lost brother has been a staple of the special teams. Giants need to desperately upgrade their linebacking group. There are a ton of LBs out there for the G-men to pull in. Gerris might be a casualty of war.

CB
Kevin Dockery
Hickory Dickory Dockery is a fan fave. Re-sign!

FS
C.C. Brown
No one gave me more heartburn this past season than C.C and the Music Factory. He's a shorter version of James Butler. Door's to the left, thanks for comin'.

New York Giants Unsigned Exclusive Rights Free Agents:

KFFL reports the Giants have three, but I didn't find any information on NFL.com. The only player I could see the Giants re-signing is the man below.

RB
D.J. Ware
When healthy and able to hold on to the ball, he's a nice third option. If he continues down the path he's on, could be watching the games with me at Liberty.

Unrestricted Free Agents (UFAs) The Giants Should Consider:

PK
Neil Rackers, Arizona Cardinals
Guy's been a solid fantasy player and hit 94% of his attempts last year. Career % is 78.2, though - three points lower than Tynes, who continues to frustrate fans with crucial misses in big spots.

Other unrestricted PKs available are Jay Feely (I just had a sweaty flashback to 2005), Shayne Graham (eh), and Matt Stover (retiring?).

RB
Hopefully the running game rebounds from an off year that saw Ahmad Bradshaw hurt for most of the season and Brandon Jacobs fighting off nagging tweaks, bumps, and bruises by running gingerly. I don't think they need to dip into the market for help unless they're looking to dish Jacobs, which is highly unlikely, or Ware doesn't sign, also unlikely. But, just in case...

Chris Brown, Houston Texans
Big dude who could fill in for Jacobs when he ultimately goes down for a couple weeks at a time.

Willie Parker, Pittsburgh Steelers
Fast Willie might be a great change of pace - his running style differs from Jacobs AND Bradshaw. He could bring the screen pass back into the gameplan as a weapon not a throw away down.

Chester Taylor, Minnesota Vikings
He could do for Jacobs/Bradshaw what he did so well for AP. Give him a breather for a couple series and still help the team move the ball and chew up some clock.

Other noteworthy unrestricted RBs avail are LT (he'll want to be the feature back), Westbrook (concussions/injuries and he was an Eagle, case closed), and Jamal Lewis (you ever play a football game... ON WEED!)

TE
Benjamin Watson, New England Patriots
Sure we have The Boss Man, but the dude takes a beating and doesn't have the speed that Watson does. Some might consider two pass catching TEs one too many, but if his asking price is modest, I don't see why we'd pass on him.

Other noteworthy unrestricted TEs avail are Alge Crumpler (primarily a blocker), Randy McMichael (not worth the money), and LJ Smith (inconsistent, injury prone). Giants would be better off using that money to sign a top WR if they're looking to improve the offensive side of the ball.

WR
Torry Holt, Jacksonville Jaguars
Numbers have severely dropped since '07, but I'm a dreamer and my dreams feature him and Steve Smith absolutely cutting up the middle of the field on crossing routes. Hell, I'll take 50-60 catches for 750 yards from the speedy vet.

Other noteworthy unrestricted WRs avail are Terrell Owens (come on, be serious), Muhsin Muhammad (15th season? too risky), Derrick Mason (didn't he retire?), Chris Chambers (no thanks), and Joey Galloway (see Muhammad and Mason).

DL

If the Giants lose Robbins and possibly Cofield, they're in a heap of trouble. Unfortunately, the Pats put the franchise tag on Wilfork, so did the Raiders with Seymour, otherwise those would've been huge pick ups.

It's slim pickens for the interior D-line positions. The G-men could bring William Joseph and Kendrick Clancy back, but the sorority girls aren't exactly clamoring for that duo to wear big blue again.

If the Giants do decide to part ways with Osi, they can either place their confidence in Kiwanuka or bring in a big gun to help take the weight off Tuck's shoulders.

Julius Peppers, Carolina Panthers
I just went from six to midnight thinking about this dude in Giants blue.

Other noteworthy unrestricted DL avail are Jevon Kearse (The Freak is funked), Kyle Vanden Bosch (not impressed), Tank Johnson (G-men prob want to avoid guns after Plax), and Leonard Little (murderer).

LB
The Pierce Era is over and this unit as a whole needs a major overhaul. Picking up 1-2 of the guys listed below would be a GIANT step in the right direction.

Chike Okeafor, Arizona Cardinals

Karlos Dansby, Arizona Cardinals

Aaron Kampman, Green Bay Packers

Gary Brackett, Indianapolis Colts

Tully Banta-Cain, New England Patriots

Keith Bulluck, Tennessee Titans

CB
Sure, we can blame former Defensive Coordinator Bill Sheridan for the secondary's woes. We can blame the injury bug, which took Aaron Ross, Corey Webster, and Kenny Phillips among others from the lineup. But, it wouldn't hurt to pick up a name cornerman so we can blitz with confidence.

Terence Newman, Dallas Cowboys
Deion Sanders Lite. Has nagging injuries, but could be a great cover guy in the right scheme. Averages 13 passes defended over seven year career and can take any pick to the house.

Leigh Bodden, New England Patriots
18 picks in his 7 year career with a career high 18 passes defended last season.

Dre' Bly, San Francisco 49ers
43 career picks. Had a down year last season but still managed 3 interceptions and 13 passes defended in only 6 starts.

FS
Darren Sharper, New Orleans Saints
Darren will never sign with the Giants after they told him he was too old the first (or was it second) time he entered the market. They'd have to throw a boat load of green his way to change his mind. Is he worth it? Dude scores every time he intercepts. I'd like to apply the Pat Burrell defense, wouldn't you rather have him on your team and suck then play against you and kill you?

Sean Jones, Philadelphia Eagles
Yes, I know, f*&$ the Eagles, but before joining the Eagles, he had some pretty decent seasons with the Browns in '06 and '07.

Ryan Clark, Pittsburgh Steelers
Giants had him but let him slip away. One of the hardest hitters in the game. I'd take him back in a heartbeat.

Restricted Free Agents (RFAs) the Giants should consider:

PK
Stephen Gostkowski, New England Patriots
85% accuracy in his 4 year career. Plus 21 touchbacks. I honestly don't even know what a touchback looks like following a Giants TD.

WR
Brandon Marshall, Denver Broncos
Giants get this guy, they're winning the Super Bowl. Hands down.

Braylon Edwards, New York Jets
Questionable hands. Don't see the Jets parting with him, though.

Vincent Jackson, San Diego Chargers
Would be an excellent addition, could prob step in as the #1 or give Steve Smith a run for his money.

Miles Austin, Dallas Cowboys
Was 2009 a fluke? Only time will tell, but if we could steal a weapon as productive as him, it would benefit the team greatly.

TE
Owen Daniels, Houston Texans
In only 8 games he had 40 catches for more than 500 yards. Multiply that by 2 for projected stats. Yeah, he's becoming a premiere tight end. Entering his 5th season. Two TE formations could be a lot more fun if signed.

LB
Elvis Dumervil, Denver Broncos
Want to cure what ails the Giants LB situation? Get this dude. When was the last time we had a LB lead the league in sacks? Lawrence Taylor?

Kirk Morrison, Oakland Raiders
In 5 seasons, he's started every game but one. Hovers around the 100 solo tackle mark every year. I don't know that you need much more convincing than that.

Barrett Ruud, Tampa Bay Buccaneers
After learning from Derrick Brooks and buds his first two seasons, he stepped into the starting lineup for the Bucs and averages about 100 solo tackles per season ever since.

Shawne Merriman, San Diego Chargers
The Giants gave up the pick the Chargers eventually used to get Merriman when they traded Rivers for Eli. What sweet irony it would be to have him land with Big Blue. Don't know if his personality would mesh with the current team chemistry. Plus, since his steroid admission, is he the same dominant player? Do the Giants want his controversy?

SS
Roman Harper, New Orleans Saints
Started every game he's suited up for. Entering his fifth season. Not a ballhawk but is a tackling machine averaging more than 5 solo tackles per game the past three seasons.

FS
Antoine Bethea, Indianapolis Colts
Four year starter with 11 career picks.

Nick Collins, Green Bay Packers
5 year starter with 17 career picks.

As excited as I initially get, I have to remember these are the Giants we're talking about. An organization whose last big free agent signing was in 2006 and that ended with a career-ending torn Achilles. One player doesn't win a championship, but he could be the missing piece of the puzzle the G-men so desperately need after a subpar '09 outing.

Is "Hot Tub Time Machine" Based on Harvey Birdman Episode?

2010-02-26T15:30:00.000-05:00

"Hot Tub Time Machine" is set to release March 26th. If you need help with the premise, you might want to look into riding the short bus, but to be polite, it's about four friends who go to a ski lodge, hop in a hot tub, and are transported to the year 1986.

As original as the storyline sounds, it's not. In episode #25 of the Adult Swim cartoon series, "Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law", titled, "Beyond the Valley of the Dinosaurs," titular character Harvey and portly purple hippo-lawyer Peter Potamus hop in a whirlpool and are transported to the Dino Ages. Birdman did it! Birdman did it!

UPDATE: Enough, Facebook! Okay? Just...Enough. (Singles Ads)

2010-02-24T10:13:00.001-05:00

***UPDATE, MY FRIENDS: Within minutes of posting my extreme thumbs down dislike of the SinglesNet ad featuring an extremely beautiful young blonde and copy that read, "Connect and chat with thousands of local singles on SinglesNet. It's free!" I exchanged comments with a recent added Facebook friend, Playboy model, Corinne Morrill, who just so happens to be RealLife friends with the girl in said pic. I present to you our e-convo:

As you can see, not only is the girl pictured NOT single, she is NOT local. She's dating a MLB player in California. The complete polar opposite of my sitch - failed Division III middle relief pitcher living in Dirty Jerz. So, to reiterate... F*** YOU, FACEBOOK AND SINGLESNET!

***ORIGINAL POST IS BELOW...
I'm tempted to switch my relationship status on Facebook to "In a Relationship" so I don't have to look at these SinglesNet ads anymore.

I used to overlook these ads. Once in a while, there'd be a cute girl and I sneak a peek. And, once in a Blue Moon Witbier, I'd fool myself into thinking maybe, juuuuuuuuuuuust maybe I have a shot with her. But, Jesus Alowicious Chrysanthemum, LOOK at the girl in this ad. I know it's blurry because I had to increase the size a bit, but even through the over-bloated pixels, you can definitively see this girl's ON F****** FIRE! There is not a chance in hell this chick is single. Not even a little bit. Not even like, well, it's complicated and my boyfriend's cheating on me and I think I'm going to end it. No, this chick is locked up for the rest of time. Notice how they cropped the pic so you can't see her left hand. What's on her left hand, SinglesNet, huh?! WHAT'S ON HER LEFT HAND?!

I want to break the thumb of that "Like" hand, I hate this ad so much. You honestly think this chick lives in or around the NYC metropolitan area? You're out of your godd*mn mind! So, F*** Y** SinglesNet and F*** Y** Facebook! F*** Y** for even insinuating I ever had a shot with this girl in a million lifetimes. Please stop serving these ads to me. I'll start dating someone, okay? Anyone. Just please stop.

PS - Not to mention... okay, so I did click on this ad once and I did register for free but you can't chat with anyone on that site for free. So, hope you like lawsuits, SinglesNet. You lying, cheating, heartless, pandering harvester of souls.

Get Katy Perry's Lover To the Godforsaken Greek!

2010-02-14T20:20:00.000-05:00

I honestly think more studios should do this - take a lovable character you can stomach and spin that 'ish off into its own movie. Keep doing that until you've almost completely sucked the franchise dry then return to the first main characters. I'm not talkin' remakes or reboots; I'm spittin' 'bout new, fresh storylines with characters that are also relatively new and fresh to the franchise. Judging by your confused expression, I'll provide suggestions:

Spider-Man 4: Green Goblin's private weapons manufacturing corporation has gone underground to enlist a society of genetic engineers that catch on to Petey Parker's racket. They capture him, extract his DNA, and build an army of spider-men to send overseas to fight in the war against the New Axis of Evil. Unfortunately, Peter becomes a shell of himself in the process and secludes himself in a remote destination. Though the Spider-Men military force is initially successful, the long term effects cause the veterans to lose their mind and turn on anyone not infused with the Spider DNA. To battle the Spider-Men, Parker's high school foe Flash Thompson is enlisted after his suicide attempt (making him sympathetic to the audience) completely transforms him, unlocking a dormant super power he can "lend" to others. Spidey 5 sees Flash's powers go dormant again but one of the people he touched permanently inherited them. You could eventually come full circle back to Parker and Mary Jane.

Fight Club 2: Tyler's plan works. Everyone's debt is erased. Fight clubs go legit, become incredibly profitable ventures. Scandals are exposed within the government, corruption gone, that is until the Ivy school educated son of a major bank's CEO vows revenge. Material possessions define him (think Patrick Bateman) and he misses the life of luxury that Tyler's new egalitarian society can no longer support. He rises through the ranks of the now PROFESSIONAL Fight Club League and uses his powers to enter politics and win a seat in the Senate. Throughout it all, his girlfriend supports him until the climactic shocker where he finds out his girlfriend doesn't exist - she died years ago. #3 focuses on dead girlfriend's twin sister and her quest to bring CEO's son down.

American Beauty 2: We follow Ricky Fitz as his extremely successful G13 weed farm begins to show cracks in its foundation. Jane's self doubt leads to a bad boob job in which she dies from a leaky implant. DEA agent (the son of The King of Real Estate) is hot on the trail. Focus would be on DEA agent in #3.

This formula has been done before - American Pie did it with #4, 5, and 6, however, it was a bit of a stretch. A good example would be US Marshals, the follow up to The Fugitive. They're called "spiritual successors" (or sometimes "informal sequels") and I think they are the cure for what ails cinema. TV has spin-offs. Most times, those spin-offs are unsuccessful (see "Joey") but there are some that catch on ("Frasier"). If studios and production companies invested more in expanding the storyline, exploring the depth of periphery characters that strike a chord with the audience and take them in a new direction, maybe half the world wouldn't groan when they see a sequel. Reboots will lose their luster. Spiritual successors sound cool. Hopefully, Deadpool won't suck and prove my point it can be achieved on a blockbuster scale.

Anyway, what a long f'n way to introduce "Get Him To The Greek" the informal, spiritual follow up to "Forgetting Sarah Marshall." Whereas the characters in FSM have run their course (for now), Sarah Marshall's sex animal rock star ex Aldous Snow played by Russell Brand hasn't. And having Jonah Hill realize his dream of becoming his assistant is a great way to launch this new storyline (though Wikipedia tells me he's playing a 'new' character - that's lame). People are familiar with the characters and they made a decent enough impression on audiences to sustain their attention for 2 hours. Nicholas Stoller, FSM's writer/director, also is credited with penning and helming the follow up.

The first trailer has just been unleashed on the Tri-dub, which I picked up from Screen Junkies:

She's Out of My League Red Band Trailer

2010-01-31T19:40:00.000-05:00

Red means it's good, people. This movie makes frequent use of the widely debated hotness rating system. I've been known to be far too generous with my ratings. Most critics believe my ratings are almost always 2 points higher than the average. Catholic high school and an almost-Ivy will do that to a man. Anyway, I don't make many predictions. Back in early April 2009, I went out on a limb when I saw the trailer for The Hangover and said it would be the best comedy of the year. Was it? You tell me.

So, here I am again, telling you Amercia, that "She's Out Of My League" scheduled for theatrical release on Friday, March 12th, will NOT be best the comedy of 2010. BUT it will be in the top 5, if not top 3. You have one of the dudes from Cloverfield (guy holding camera entire time) and the poor man's Justin Long who made a decent living on Freaks and Geeks then in Undeclared and in one of my favorite movies of all-time - The Rules of Attraction as OD'ing gay kid.I really shouldn't say poor man's - dude was in Tropic Thunder and Knocked Up. They're about even. Do I smell a movie starring Justin Long and Jay Baruchel who begin as best of friends then become mortal enemies? F*cking A, I should be a producer.

She's Out of My League Trailer Red Band - Watch more Movie Trailers

Rating a movie about ratings? It's called "Next Level" blogging, blowhards! BTW, I'd give her a 12.

Sainted Love: Hot Saints Fan Underboob!

2010-01-22T12:40:00.000-05:00

I'm a Giants fan and, to me, every non-Giants game I watch is either too boring or unsettling with respect to each team's fan base. Jets games make me want to hang myself. NFC West games force me to search for razorblades. Raiders and Redskins games make me question humanity. The camera pans to the crowd and they show some fat dude with his face painted or some jackass wearing a ridiculous costume and I think THAT is not the NFL I want to love.

At Giants Stadium, you're not allowed to bring in signs, dress up, or gawk at cheerleaders (because there ARE none). So, the thought of dressing like little orphan Annie or a hog is unfathomable. It's a football game. Drink heavily. Heckle. Repeat. How the hell is you dressing up like goddam Peter Pan or Count Chocula going to help our f'n team win, guy?

So, with all the ridiculous and unappealing outfits a dude can wear to the game, you'd be hard pressed to find a hot chick wearing next to nothing. Yet, New Orleans keeps pumping out the half-nude goodness. First, there was F*ck Da Eagles chick. Now, thanks to Busted Coverage, there's this vision from heaven...

Courtesy of Busted Coverage

This sainted love you've given
I give you all a boy could give you
Take my beers and watch some 'ball

Oh! Sainted Love! Whoa-oh-oh, Sainted Love!

Touch me please
I cannot stand the way you tease
I love you though you hurt me so
Now I'm cheering No Pack no!

Soft Cell Tainted Love
by Celtiemama

If these teams show up on NYG's away game schedule - Tampa, New Orleans, Dallas, Arizona, and San Diego - I'm going to every single one. Strictly for the ladies.

MLK Had a Dream, I Have a Gift (Porn Titles)

2010-01-19T00:40:00.000-05:00

Since its inception, the adult movie industry has lead the way in clever twists on popular Hollywood blockbusters, indie sensations, and boob tube titles. Unfamiliar with the hilarity of skin flick naming conventions? Take a stroll through these sites and see for yourself the powers of porno parody:

The Greatest Porn Parodies Ever via Pull My F*cking Finger

Top 10 Porn Parodies of 2009 via BuzzFeed

The 40 Greatest TV Porn Parodies of All-Time via BroBible

It was in my hotel room in AC that I discovered I too have the uncanny ability to take any movie title and turn it into an adults only version. Sure, this isn't really a shocking revelation to anyone familiar with my skill set, but I think once you're done reviewing my extensive list below, you will have a whole new appreciation for my talents. I present the 75 Top Grossing Theatrical Releases of 2009...and their suggested porn parodies:

Avatar = Avagina

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen = Pantsdroppers: Revenge of the Phallus

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince = Hairy Cooter and the Half-Hard Delivery Guy

Up = D-Cup

The Twilight Saga: New Moon = The Hellatight Tatas: New Poon

The Hangover = The Bangover (or "The Well Hungover")

Star Trek = Pornstar Trek

The Blind Side = The Back Side (or The Blond Guy)

Monsters vs. Aliens = Pornstars vs. Gayliens

Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs = Nice Ass: Moan of the Dino-whores

Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel = Alice and the Hip Hunks: The Freakquel

Sherlock Holmes = Herc*ck Hums (tranny flick)

X-Men Origins: Wolverine = XXX-Men Orgies: Beaver

Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian = Nighty on the Floozy: Battle of the Titsonian

2012 = 2,012 dudes

The Proposal = The Ho Chosen

Fast and Furious = Fast F'n Furries

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra = My Ho: The Thighs of Carla

Paul Blart: Mall Cop = Tall Black: All C*ck

Taken = Naked

A Christmas Carol = A Fistmas Carol (jeez)

Angels & Demons = This one's been done to death, use your imagination

Terminator Salvation = Sperminator Salivation

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs = Pouty with a Chance of Eating Balls

Inglorious Basterds = F'ing Glorious @ssblasters (oh man)

G-Force = G-Whores

District 9 = Disdick 9"

Couples Retreat = Nipples Secrete (ew)

Paranormal Activity = Paranormal Sack-tivity

Watchmen = Snatchmen

Public Enemies = Pubic Enemies

The Princess and the Frog = The Incest and the Plug (whoa)

Julie & Julia = Juicy & Droolia

He's Just Not That Into You = He's Balls Deep Into You (haha)

Tyler Perry's Madea Goes To Jail = Tyler Fairy's Madick Hopes To Nail

The Ugly Truth = The Fugly Dude (ron jeremy? jk, ron)

It's Complicated = It's Cumplicated

Knowing = Blowing (I would've also accepted Growing or Ho'ing)

Hannah Montana The Movie = Hanna Mounts Anna The Groupie

Where the Wild Things Are = Where the Wild Thongs Are

Zombieland = Mommy's Hand

Coraline = Whoraline

Law Abiding Citizen = Jaw Locking Citizen

Hotel for Dogs = Motel for Doggy

Michael Jackson's This Is It = Michelle Rackson's This Is Tit

I Love You, Man = I Love Your Manmeat

Obsessed = Throbsexed

Race to Witch Mountain = Race to Watch Mountin'

The Final Destination = The Vaginal Breast Nation (that's a stretch... giggle)

The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 = The Taking of Penelope's V-Card

Friday the 13th = Freddy's The 1300th (it rhymes with slang hang)

17 Again = 69 Again?

The Time Traveler's Wife = The Time Travis Lured His Wife

Up in the Air = Erupt in Her Hair (i'm going to hell)

Bruno = True Ho

Bride Wars = Broad Whores (like gymnasts?)

The Haunting in Connecticut = The Boning in Connectic*nt (cha cha cha!)

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past = Most of My Girlfriend's Ass

Funny People = Horny People

Tyler Perry's I Can Do Bad All By Myself = Tyler Fairy's I Can't Do Dad All By Myself

My Bloody Valentine = My Slutty Barehind

Land of the Lost = Land of the Lusty

My Sister's Keeper = My Sister's Dumper

Old Dogs = All Doggy

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans = Underwear: Rise of the Thigh-highs

Precious = Luscious

Confessions of a Shopaholic = Confessions of a C*ckaholic

Year One = Your Buns

The Unborn = The Funporn

Drag Me To Hell = Bang Me Til I Yell

Orphan = Whore-fan

Duplicity = Shtoop The City

Planet 51 = Ram It 51 (times)

Surrogates = Sorostitutes

Ninja Assassin = Ginger's @ssblastin'

On that note, I wish each and every one of you a Happy Martin Luther King Day! Or should I say a Happy Hard-on Lube-her Thing Day! (they can't all be winners)

Referees Make It Rain, I Bring The Pain: Volume 1

2010-01-17T21:56:00.000-05:00

Anyone else notice when a ref makes the tipped pass gesture, it looks like he's making it rain. Do you think that's why Pacman Jones took to the gesture so amorously? 'Cuz he's a d-back and they pride themselves on tipping passes? A quick Wikipedia search reveals the term first rose to prominence in October 2006 with Fat Joe's single of the same name. The track was remixed by Lil Wayne and a host of others in 2007 and blew the f*ck up. As you can see from the YouTube music video below, for one to "make it rain" one must slide dollar bills (y'all) from one's hand with an upward movement resulting in CREAM raining from the heavens.

Now, turn on your local NFL game (whoops! Sorry Detroit and Jacksonville!), wait for a tipped pass (Bears or Panthers games) and focus on the zebra. Who knew that old white dudes could be such trendsetters, right?

Pacman's story is one that has a far-reaching lesson that can be inappropriately and incorrectly applied in a general fashion on a broader scale. Women. Love. Money.

Don't think so? I'm reading over Asylum's countdown of the Weirdest News Stories of 2009 on Digg and what do I see hanging out at #64? THIS. The story of a 48 year old dude who was a virgin living with his mom until he won the lottery. Then, BOOM, knocks boots with his mom's nurse. I'm sure the $13 million had absolutely nothing to do with that love connection. Sure, men love money, too - but that's only because we love women.

I don't mean to go on a Dennis Miller rant here...

...or to evoke the spirit of Glenn Beck - but is money really all you need? I know of several women within my circle of friends (which keeps shrinking for some reason, wtf) dating men almost twice their age. As you can guess, these men are loaded out the Ying Yang Twins. I look at certain relationships and I think what would happen if you took that money away? Contrary to what I believed, with the market in the sh*tter, the divorce rate actually declined for the first time since 2005. Why? Maybe because divorce is expensive. Just ask Tiger.

In addition to the humongoid settlement Elin will eventually win (estimates range from $20 million to upwards of $300 million) Tiger's been paying off women to keep their mouths closed about his affairs. Some of these women claim to love him, yet what if he weren't paying them? The one chick desperately plead Tiger to "help her out" and he turned her down. That was the end of that. At least Tiger can find solace in the fact he could have a very successful career in porn.

It reminds me of this girl I met in Tampa. She bragged about how she has a sugar daddy that buys her all kinds of ridiculous gifts. She referred to him as a sucker that she doesn't care about. I really really didn't want to know about that. I've never gone from liking a girl so much to hoping she got hit by an oil tanker so quickly. For god shammgod's sakes, I thought I took the blue pill!

You see some couples and you're like what happened there? How did he pull that off? Oh, he's really well off. OF COURSE! But, come on, beyond that. Beyond the shopping sprees, luxurious cars, vacations, summer/winter houses, there HAS to be something more, right? As the "Gimme Some More" interlude on Busta Rhymes album "Extinction Level Event" goes, "But there ain't no more... is there?" Thanks to Wasting Time with Mike and Ari, we can do a quick recap of what said man offered in that exchange with the ladies at the club:

"I noticed you from across the way, and i think me and you should get to talkin'. so if you're not doing anything tonight, maybe you can come to my place. baby girl, you know how much money i got? Oprah does my laundry. Michael Jordan cuts my grass. you know how frivolous i am? i drive my hummer to the end of my driveway just to get the mail, and that's all i use it for. i got 6 stock brokers, 14 doctors, 2 lawyers, 17 accountants, and 8 other lawyers to watch the first 2 lawyers. and i got custom made condoms that’s made of other people's *****. And ****, when i’m too tired to get my socks blown, i hire someone else to **** for me. you know how rich i am? you know how much credit i got? i threw away all my platinum cards and i got a uranium card. b*tch. i drive a rolls royce pickup truck. i got the penthouse with the helicopter pad on the roof and snipers in the other building to make sure no one steals my helicopter. Donald Trump delivers my newspaper in the morning and i don't even tip him."

Tall, rich, and handsome. No wonder I'm depressed. I live in the New York metropolitan area. 2010 can't come quick enough. And, as Sphere's Steven Pendlebury points out, the end of this decade, can't happen any faster.

But, it's amazing what a shower can do for you. Wash away the shame, guilt, repression, sadness. Axe hit the nail on the head for their body wash product. Showers are game changers. Despite the grim outlook for the New Year, I still believe it can't get any worse than '09. As long as my shower works, I remain optimistic. Let's take a relatively abridged look at The Year Most Aught to Forget...

JANUARY
It started with a "rain check" and a debilitating loss at home in the Divisional Playoffs for the G-men. That day I learned that one text message can effectively ruin a relationship. Then on the day of Obama's inauguration news came down from up top that Playboy would be closing its NYC office. Select employees would be re-located to Chicago prompting me to make a last-minute trip out to the Windy City during Super Bowl weekend to look at apartments. My preconceived notion of Chicagoans was debunked when I was roundly rejected in a very New York manner. Even though the big game was super, my experience was not. What bar doesn't stay open on Super Bowl Sunday then denies having your license? THIS ONE.

FEBRUARY
Bar golf introduced me to my eventual ex-girlfriend and proved without a shadow of a doubt that I'm Irish. Valentine's Day brought me to Boston and Providence where I almost saw a re-enactment of the infamous Miller Lite catfight commercial at my uncle's Dirty Dancing performance. No, it wasn't a family dinner gone wild, it was an actual play.

Later that month, I helped manage the Afro Samurai party at McFadden's in NYC. Miss November 2001 Lindsey Vuolo hosted. She's a former resident of Yardley, PA, a town that saw more than a couple NDHS alumni. Lindsey kinda gives me a look like, "ew" every time I see her, which makes me think some bad press got back to her. Sadly, it's all true.

At the party, wigs were distributed along with t-shirts. I was able to reconnect with ********* *******, but just as the conversation picked up momentum, it slipped off the radar.

MARCH
100% of the blame can be placed on St. Patty's Day in Hoboken. A day that I look forward to for 364 days of the year despite its reputation for always landing me in drama / hot water. This year was, at first, a success but once the dust settled, it revealed itself to be just as detrimental as its predecessors. SUNGLASSES! STOLEN! VENOMOUS COMMENTS! GRUDGES! Luckily, everything worked itself out but it would take a couple months.

What else would take a couple months to heal? My knee. The day after St. Patty's Day in Hoboken, I dust off the arm for a coed flag football game in which I scrambled more than eggs. Down 21-7 in the first half, I avoided the rush (hot chick with inability to move laterally) sprinted to my left and picked up the first down. I was mere feet from the sidelines where I could've stepped out, stopped the clock, and catch my breath for the impending touchdown we'd most likely score. Instead, I saw a crease and thought I could take it to the house. My ACL thought otherwise. Snap. Crackle. Pop. Judging by the reactions of just about everyone else on that field (refs included), they did NOT sign up for this kind of tragedy. Thankfully, I waived off the ambulance and subsequent insurmountable hospital bill.

It took almost two months to schedule the surgery. I spent the following two weeks at my grandmother's where I feared for my life, had an Arrested Development marathon (are they making the movie or not?), and a beard that would prompt one receptionist to question whether or not I was human.

(more human the human...also, forgot to change contacts)

Mid-March, I get to work Playboy's Rock the Rabbit Late Night Party at South by Southwest in Austin. If you've never been, I highly recommend it (said like Ferris Bueller). Great weather, great people, great music, great sports, great culture. And... the women. Very cute. I was in a relationship at the time, making the ogling very difficult to do with a clear conscience. Pile on top of that the responsibility of working with Miss May 2008 AJ Alexander and Miss September 2008 Valerie Mason and you can taste the temptation sweats (ew). The Playmates got pretty bored pretty fast and I was stuck hanging out with a bunch of middle aged reformed druggies passing out on the beanbag chairs we set up. Not to mention we were handing out free sh*t and these vultures kept stealing the Playboy decor. Eventually, I got to hang in the VIP room with Miss October 2008 Kelly Carrington, who is dating Vegas Playboy George Maloof (awkward smirk as I wait for you to scroll up to the second or third paragraph of this post).

APRIL
April brought hope as many experts and pundits predicated the Mets would go to the World Series. Five to six months later, we know how that turned out. Little known fact - The Mets drafted Troy Aikman. How's your mind? Blown?

Me and the gf split. I went to THE Johns Hopkins Homecoming Weekend and wore my super sweet "I ****** my ***** for this?" t-shirt. I was not welcome "home." I was ridiculed. This lil' adventure proved to me without a shadow of a doubt that I'm nowhere near being in college drinking shape. I couldn't move on Sunday - it took all my energy just to shower. Used to be, you drink a keg, and a diseased-ridden Gatorade bucket of jungle juice mixed with rusty golf clubs and you wake up the next morning with a kick in your step on your way to a footlong Blimpie's sub and an entire pizza pie.

Please flip to Side B for the rest of my god awful year in review (coming soon)...

Jesse The Body Double Sex Scene

2009-12-03T15:18:00.000-05:00

Here's a double dip for ya.

First, Jesse "The Body" Ventura, former governor of the great state of Minnesota (said with a Scottish accent) and current host of "Conspiracy Theory" on TruTV, comes this <-> close to murder-punching Jimmy Norton on the Opie & Anthony Show over what ultimately boils down to common courtesy. Somewhere on an ever-expanding ranch in Texas, Ross Perot can be faintly heard muttering, "Can I finish?... Can I finish? Can I finish? Can I finish?"

THEN, Rachel Bilson finally caves in to McG's demands and does her first nude sex scene for his new movie, "Hearts of Palm." It's about GD time, lady!

Rachel Bilson's Deleted Sex Scene from Rachel Bilson

Now, why did you press play and sit through that clip? Because you're a dude. And ALL dudes, gay OR straight, love porn. The Canadians say so!

Slappy Spanksgiving, Tofurkies!

2009-11-26T16:38:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving is usually my favorite holiday of the year. Football. Food. Fellatio... okay, not that last part, but you get my extra point. This year, I'm just not feelin' it. I used to go to a local bar to get the latest non-Facebook status updates from high school classmates and go on bar crawls with Jersey Shore cronies. Next day, try to shake off the cobwebs to enjoy some heated action between high school football rivals, maybe even dust off the rust and throw a couple touches in a co-ed game. Not anymore. I spent last night trying to stop my toilet's broken supply line from gushing water everywhere at 3am. I can't even bring myself to shower right now. SO, now that everyone's in high spirits, here's what I'm thankful for on the interwebs:

Remember those Sea Doo commercials? Everybody's doin' it! Sea Doo! Sea Doooooooooo! If I had any kind of motivation and a decent production crew, I'd film a spoof, replacing "Sea Doo" with "Sex Tape." First, in early November, reports circulated that former Miss Califronia, Carrie Prejean, settled her lawsuit against the Miss California board due to the emergence of an underage sex tape, then news came that she was of legal age when she made them (not just one), and then interviews with her brother revealed he'd watch them.

Shauna Sand didn't have the energy to fight Vivid over the release of her very sleek and stylish sex tape, and she put the cream on the proverbial cake when she announced she had a long affair with Gossip Girl guy Chace Crawford.

Then, Tila Tequila is taking legal measures to ensure hers isn't released to the public. This comes after she already made a nude Ustream video blaming San Diego Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman for her fragile mental state.

Now, Carmen Electra apparently has one as well via FoundryMusic. Mine is slated for a Summer 2010 "release." Should be a c*ckbuster. Whoa, inappropriate, Mitch.

Some people just forego the sex tape and go pro. See below:
MMA fighter cum XXX star compares the two industries in this helpful chart via Asylum

Maybe the dude from link above should hook up with this former Atlanta Hawks dancer. And by, "hook up," I mean double reverse cowgirl in the standing position while on the wing of a fighter jet. Via Guyism

I wonder if XXX set designers use these products when filming? Via CollegeHumor

Some people enjoy playing "just the tip," and some just like playing "just the deaths" from Total Recall via DaveandThomas.net

My Secretary feels like death, thus she's doubftul with a hangover. Here's the complete office injury report via SportsPickle.com

Good thing we don't have to worry about work after "Blackout Wednesday." Here's a list of 11 people you'll meet on Thanksgiving Eve via LemonDrop.com

10 Underrated Superhero Movies via Gunaxin and The Most Bizarre Superpowers (which will eventually become underrated Superhero movies) via Comics Alliance

This Guy Can Be Thankful For Superhero-like Lightning Quick Reflexes via YepYep

I've been rather emo lately, but nowhere near Peter Parker in Spider-Man 3. Here's a sneak peek of how other superheroes handle the doldrums via Comics Alliance

Remember Penny from Pee Wee's Playhouse? Did she grow up to become a cougar? Cougar Patrol says so.

I was born in 1980 and so were these super fine females via Guyism - never knew Minka Kelly was my age. Don't feel so bad when I watch Friday Night Lights now.

Per the above paragraph, I heart football. American football. I hate Everywhere Else In The World "Football" aka Soccer. BUT, the World Cup of Hot Chicks? I'd take a couple red cards for that - via The Bleacher Report

Who gets hot chicks like that? Probably sugar daddies like wealthy NFL owners. Here's a Handy Dandy Guide To Batsh*t Crazy NFL Owners via FanHouse

Those old trouts might have won the battle (and possibly the war), but YOU could win free sh*t from NerdyShirts.com via FunnyCrave ***CONTEST ENDS MONDAY, 11/30***

Help someone else win for a change, you selfish heathen! COED Magazine's Stephen Gebhardt has a friend, Jamie Lee (yeah right, Steve), who's in the running to become the next Victoria's Secret Angel. Vote for her (JAMIE LEE!) here.

Still in the mood to vote? AskMen.com is accepting nominations for their Top 99 Women of 2010.

To date most of THOSE women, you probably need to be a studio exec. To be a studio exec, you need to make bad decisions. Here's an example...

OJ Simpson as the Terminator? via Fanhouse

Building off that last link, check out 10 Actors Originally Cast for Famous Roles

My mom's world famous rolls are what keep bringing me back to the table for Thanksgiving. For dessert, munch on these 15 Funniest Thanksgiving Photos courtesy of Super Tremendous.

Out of mom's famous rolls (what? she lose weight? ha!), here are some tips on surviving Thanksgiving, courtesy of my former employer, Heavy.com.

That's all from me. Happy Spanksgiving, e'erybody! I'm gonna go cry in the shower.

T&A TNT!!! ("Bitch Slap" HD Trailer Alert)

2009-11-19T11:55:00.000-05:00

I'd heard about "Bitch Slap" back when "we"(Playboy) published America Olivo's pictorial in the June 2009 issue. Then, I didn't hear a peep. Then, this trailer comes to me via FilmDrunk via YouTube and I have to ask, Is this a clever mash-up of popular homage genres; an homage to past campy action B-flicks? Or a homage to other homages? HOMAGE!!!

$10 says the studio exec got called into an emergency meeting, was hungover as balls, and said, "It's like Sin City meets Grindhouse meets Kill Bill meets D.E.B.S. meets Josie and the Pussycats." Only problem is, it doesn't appear to be financed or developed by a major movie studio. The copyright/credits refer to Epic Slap LLC?

I feel like you're almost better off producing a movie that features

Gail from Sin City

GoGo Yubari from Kill Bill

Cherry Darling from Grindhouse: Planet Terror

Beatrix from Kill Bill

and a genetic hybrid of all 4 DEBS chicks.

Maybe, they form like Voltron in the final scene to conquer the main villain, then celebrate with a massive girls-only orgy. You're welcome, Universal - mail the check to my home address, please.

Viral Video of the Year? Cartman Goes Gaga While Walken It Out

2009-11-18T11:57:00.000-05:00

This soon-to-be smash hit on the interwebbicus comes from Warming Glow via Daily Dish via Buzzfeed (that's why it's called "viral" ad and marketing executives). It's a mash up of Lady Gaga's music video for "Pokerface" with Eric Cartman and Christopher Walken's renditions. Sometimes I wish I was an editor. A real live editor. I'm like the Pinocchio of the video world. Only it's not my nose that grows when I lie. But it IS a body part that "sneezes." Before you go jumping to conclusions, it's my "poke-her-in-the-face." So, get your mind out of the gutter.

Wanna Shake Your Faith In The Sanctity of Marriage?

2009-11-07T16:17:00.000-05:00

This story from Guest of a Guest via Gawker is blowing up like nitro across the interwebs. A tech consultant for Cornell University exchanges graphic emails with a co-worker about their torrid extramarital affair. You'll have to click on the Guest of a Guest link to see their pictures. I suggest reading the lengthy (girthy?) email chain first so you can set your expectations for their looks real REAL high. Here's a nice excerpt:

From: John

Sent: Friday, November 06, 2009 12:44 PM

To: Lisa

Subject: RE:

And I will be SO FUCKING HORNY after I get done SPANKING that FINE ASS of yours for hours, you'll be FULL for a week after you swallow me! And I hear that CUM is an excellent source of protein, as well as other nutrients!!! :)

For the full chain, go to Gawker's coverage.

Haven't vomited yet? Wait 'til you get to the part about her feeding her kids then transitioning to being force fed by the Lothario of upstate New York while she's on all fours. Ah, that's right, I had an omelette for breakfast. Good to see ya again, omelette!

PS - How is this guy a tech consultant? I'm covered in irony.

It's Always Sunny In My Dick Towel

2009-11-06T18:16:00.000-05:00

Found this video on Tasty Booze. If you saw last night's It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia episode, then you know about...

Dick Towel.

Personally, if you got me this and a pair of Kitten Mittens-

I'd coast through 2010 on a cloud of tomfoolery and shenanigans. Some J.O. lawyer would prob recoup 100% of my laughs, though. So, Mom, if you're reading this, the list is now:

Wine in a can
Kitten Mittens
Dick Towel
Green Man costume
Day Man costume
Night Man costume
Paddy's Pub Thong
Paddy's Pub Tequila Shotgun
Paddy's Pub Tequila Handgun
Busty Woman
Freakishly Busty Woman
Lady of the Night
Pride

Morgan Spurlock Presents: Last Cup (Beer Pong Movie)

2009-11-06T17:59:00.000-05:00

It's about goddam time. I had to sit through King of Kong, Murderball, Super Size Me, Battlefield Earth and other documentaries about overcoming the odds to get to this:

Beer. Pong. Movie. I'm surprised Fox didn't come out with one of those horrible spoof genre movies about this yet... wait a minute...

Okay, so it's not a spoof, but I really hate when they take quasi-classic comedies and slap on a few more-than-sh*tty sequels that go direct to DVD where the only thread of continuity is an obscure character who makes a cameo for one scene. Did you know American Pie 7 is coming out?

Anyway, here's the synopsis for Last Cup:

LAST CUP follows four of these competitors for whom beer pong is more than a simple pastime— it’s a way of life. LAST CUP cuts through the drunken fog that has shaped the public’s perception of the game and examines the players’ competitive nature, their reluctance to “grow up,” and their desire for fame and glory. Dan Lindsay approaches his sudsy subject with just the right blend of sincerity and levity to concoct a humorous and heartfelt portrait of a game and the colorful characters who strive to rule it.

I've been called, "Peter Pan" on numerous accounts because I "refuse to grow up." To that I say, "I stopped crying after beer pong losses last year." So, suck on that, Mr. Science.

The (Lady) Killer Inside Of Me Loves Jessica Alba

2009-11-06T12:50:00.001-05:00

This extended promo for the new film by Michael Winterbottom, "The Killer Inside Me" comes from Bloody Disgusting via FilmDrunk (my favorite movie site of all-time... OF ALL-TIME!) The film's based on a novel by Jim Thompson and stars The Better Affleck, Jessica Albacore Tuna and everyone's favorite New York Yankee Kate Hudson. AFLAC! plays a baby-faced cop who strikes a deal with some lowlife to off Alba's character, who is an escort or hooker or my dream girl. Hudson plays AFLAC!'s disgruntled and/or jealous wife or girlfriend.

Never have I ever - get your solo cups ready - been so aroused and so horrified in a 5 minute span in my life.

Casey's voice throws me off a little but I'm glad he doesn't try to pull some hokey accent. I'd love to see a steel cage death match between Christina Ricci's character in Black Snake Moan, Alba from this movie, and Sasha Grey from "The Girlfriend Experience." Winner gets my wiener. This is high class comedy, people.

Why I Hated The World Series: Filthadelphia Filthies

2009-11-05T18:02:00.000-05:00

My friend, a Yankees fan, asked why I hate Chase Utley. I replied with, "Because he's a c*cksucker." And he goes, "Why is he a c*cksucker?" to which I replied, "The way he talks, the way he moves, the things he says, his overall look and demeanor." Friend: "Yeah, but... why do you hate him?" If my roommate wasn't 6'3'' 225 lbs of solid muscle, I would've forearm-shivered his throat.

Why do I hate Chase Utley? For the same reason I hate Jimmy Rollins and now Cliff Lee. Cliff Lee catches a pop-up to his side like he's shagging fly balls at JV practice not like it's Game One of the goddam World Series and I'm supposed to be all, "Aw shucks, you're a charcter, Cliff. So genuine and humble and pleasantly casual about living the goddam dream."

View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com

In his post-game press conference, he goes, "Well, I've been dreaming about playing in the World Series since I was a kid, so now that I'm here why should I be nervous?"

What, Cliff Lee worry?

Seriously? What if he drops that ball? Runner gets on - base hit, stolen base, walk, home run, momentum shifts, crowd gets into it. Hey, I've been there...

Maybe I'm pissed off because it seems the 2004-2009 Philadelphia Phillies more closely match the 1986 Mets than today's Mets - a bunch of *ssholes who didn't give a sh*t what you thought or who you were, they just go out there and beat your ass. It sucks to be on the other side of that beating, but maybe the Mets org should take a note, throw caution into the wind and get a couple big mouthed jerks who pile trash talk on top of the performances - guys that can back it up. Instead, we have these beta males who need a pep talk to go on a weeklong hot streak then sh*t the bed in September (or who are originally diagnosed with a "minor" injury then are out for 60 games).

Even with that said, Yankees win, Phillies lose. Thank God Shammgod this series is over. Pitchers and catchers report in 4 months.

Cue Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler

2009-11-05T14:55:00.000-05:00

You don't know how to get the 7'5'' middle school football player the ball? Really? REALLY?!?!

This Parentdish article about the world's tallest middle school student and his mentally handicapped football coach comes via BarstoolSports' Boston edition.

Carrie Prejean Tyrannosaurus Sex Tape

2009-11-04T16:08:00.001-05:00

Who DOESN'T have a sex tape at this point? Oh, me. That's right. Anyway, Daily Stab passes along a TMZ.com report that one exists. So, it must be true.

"Prejean demanded more than a million dollars during her settlement negotiations with Miss California USA Pageant officials — that is, until the lawyer for the Pageant showed Carrie an XXX home video of her handiwork..."

In other news, has anyone actually invented "sex tape?" Like scotch tape that you only use during sex?

The answer is yes.

Why I Hate the World Series: Part Doo Doo Pie

2009-11-04T11:09:00.000-05:00

This is the second post in my WIHTWS series. This video comes via Comedy Central's The Daily Show with Jon Stewart site. They hit the nail on the head with this one. As much as I hate the douchebag Phillies/Eagles fans, I think I'd like to party with the chick wearing the Jagermeister thong outside her pants. Just when I want to shake the sh*t outta her a la Chris Rock, my heart melts and I reach for the beer bong.

Notice that the majority of New York fans' asinine behavior comes from our "varsity" team - the Yankees and not the PIC (play it cool) Mets fans. Just sayin'. I think the funniest part of this whole video is NY/Philly fans pride themselves on being douchebags and will, in fact, duke it out to win the title of douchiest fan base. Hold on, I'm getting a call from Boston... Hello?... Of course, you guys can compete... We know you're the defending champions of douche... Okay, I gotta go. I gotta go, BOSTON! ... Say hi to your mother for me, okay?

No Mo' Hoes In Provo, Yo!

2009-11-03T18:10:00.000-05:00

I used to live in Cranston, which is a suburb of Providence, and I really don't remember any prostitutes soliciting my 12-year-old ass. Although, come to think of it, there WAS that one babysitter who always brought over a bunch of different boyfriends. They were all named, "John" for some reason.

This Boston.com article comes via Barstool Sports' Boston edition.

You would think with one of the highest (if not THE highest) unemployment rates in all the land, they'd actually encourage more young women to enlist their carnal services and more men to contribute their greenbacks to hittin' dat backside. After all, "economy" is just a fancy word for "exchange of goods," which, in this case, can lead to a good case of the scabies.

Btw, I have no relation to the Attorney General mentioned in the article. At least, not anymore. Thanks for ruining my Saturday night special, Uncle Pat!

And for good measure, here's Sasha Grey, an adult film actress who was born in 1988 (JESUS!) and played an upscale escort in "The Girlfriend Experience." Not a stretch, I know, but still a decent perf. How much would YOU pay?

Tired Of Getting Negged?

2009-11-03T16:26:00.001-05:00

Then read my latest post on COED Magazine about six of the most egregious 'negs' or rejections a lady can dole out to a guy. This way you can pick up the signs before it happens and your confidence gets shot to sh*t worse than Tupac. That... was... unnecessary and I'm sorry.

Seriously, dude. I'm sorry. How's heaven? I bet you run mad angel "halo" up there. (gulp)

Why I Hate This World Series? Part One-derful

2009-11-03T12:15:00.001-05:00

This is the first in a long series of posts about the worst World Series a Met fan could ever imagine (outside of maybe The Phillies cloning themselves and getting relocated to Boston... hmmm... wait a tick!).

Below is a video that comes to us from Busted Coverage - a Filthy phan phighting a Spank-me fan.

I know I said I get queasy when I see fight videos but I held back chunks to post this and prove a point - the majority of fans for each of these teams take pride to a very dangerous and absurd level. It's a f*cking BASEBALL GAME. If these 2 dudes met at a bar during February they'd probably be high fiving over some hoo'ah they tag teamed instead of high fisting each other's faces.

Thai Goes To the Chopper

2009-11-03T10:54:00.000-05:00

Thailand is by far one of the scariest places on Earf. Don't believe me? Ask David Carradine. Wow. Okay, that was awful and I apologize. What scares me most about Thailand is you really, honestly, truly have no f'n clue what's a lady and what's a man with lady parts. So, if you're into mystery and you don't mind surprises, check out DJ Mick's sorta, kinda, maybe NSFW photo gallery of Thai "babes" in body paint posing on motorcycles.

At what point is it okay for a straight guy to wanna get busy with a post-op in a Burger King bathroom? Just askin'.