dude sized hands

Taylor Lautner's abs and other revelations

noreply@blogger.com (pulley-whipped) — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 22:13:00 +0000

This Thanksgiving has been full of revelations. I learned that I can and will enthusiastically peel a pomegranate for two straight hours. I learned that as long as technology keeps evolving, people will also keep devising ways to have sex with it. I also learned that movie rental stores are going out of business, evidenced by this conversation Ellie had with a neighborhood DVD store while trying to rent the first Twilight movie. The conversation itself is not that interesting, until you realize that it’s a PORN STORE! Which we didn’t find out until way later actually.

Ellie: Hi, do you rent DVDs?

Porn Store Clerk: No, we stopped renting them, like everyone else.

Ellie: Everyone else stopped too?

Porn Store Clerk: Yeah, all the stores in the city, basically. DVDs were coming back damaged, and it just wasn't worth it.

Ellie: All the stores in the city? Really?

Porn Store Clerk: Yep. But we sell them, 3 for $10, we have over 1500 titles.

Ellie: Oh! That's basically the same price as a rental, then.

Porn Store Clerk: Yep. You should come check it out.

Ellie: Can you check for me-- I'm a little embarrassed to ask, but I'm looking for the Twilight movies?

Porn Store Clerk: Twilight? Is that the name of a movie or a production company?

Ellie: It's a movie. Uh, about teenage vampires, it was based on a book? One just came out recently in theaters, but I know there's at least one out on DVD.

Porn Store Clerk: Let me check. No, we don't have that, but we can order any title you want.

Ellie: Ok, well I guess I'll come in sometime and check out what you do have.

Porn Store Clerk: Great! I'm looking forward to it.

So now this guy thinks that Ellie is into underage vampire porn. Is that not what Thanksgiving is ALL ABOUT? The tip off probably should have been when he didn’t know what “Twilight” was. Seriously, I could draw Taylor Lautner’s abs from memory – that’s how many times I’ve seen them in recent weeks on magazine racks, websites and now, on the big screen. It also helped that he was shirtless for about 2/3rds of the movie. (Because werewolves get overheated easily, Taylor noted in the film. Temperature control! Of course! I would totally believe that, except Carmen Electra used the exact excuse when her sex tape leaked "accidentally" last week.)

This post was going to be about the relationship abuse themes, violence and stalking in Twilight, and how Edward needs to wear a better shade of lipstick, but now I've ruined it by talking about porn. Again. So look for that post soon. Maybe. If I can learn to stay ~~away from Taylor's abs~~ focused.

The World according to Americans

noreply@blogger.com (pulley-whipped) — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 21:26:00 +0000

In honor of this Thanksgiving weekend:
(Click the picture to make it bigger)

Though THIS does make me feel better about being American: Dogs get Boob Jobs in Bid to find New Owners. And, in case you're like me, No, they did NOT include any before/after pictures. Or any pictures at all. Effin' Brits.

When I hug people I make room for the Holy Spirit

noreply@blogger.com (pulley-whipped) — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 22:16:00 +0000

In addition to pretty much all forms of sex, the gays, and dancing, Christians are now on a mission to ban "frontal hugging." Don't worry, you can still kill people though. As long as it's in the name of the Lord.

This delightful Christian Side-Hug rap comes from the Encounter Generation Conference, an annual Christian youth gathering which hopes to “bring the power, authenticity, and relevance of Jesus Christ to their culture.” Good thing Jesus was really into rough ridin' or this song would be AWKWARD. Seriously, hugging is wrong but rough riding is fine? Or are they talking about the United States Volunteer Cavalry?

According to Stuff Christians Like (which has a book coming out soon. Are you surprised?) "a 'full frontal hug,' [is] one of those sinful abominations where you just wrap your arms around a friend and embrace them."

THAT is disgusting. God, where did they learn THAT behavior?

Or this?

Does Mary even know that Jesus' ASS is touching her CROTCH? Didn't they teach her the appropriate Christian side-death-cradle?

Serious Concerns

noreply@blogger.com (pulley-whipped) — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 05:08:00 +0000

Recent amusements. from the Renegade Craft Fair back in September. Seems like so long ago.

From Bi-Rite, where the bisexual is always right. I'm pretty sure that's what that's short for. And for more punny hilarity, go to That's Punny.

These are all over my neighborhood:

I wish you could see the dog's facial expression because he looks really concerned. Like his owner put a wig on his head, but he's asking you to please not judge too harshly because he totally would've matched the wig to his complexion like a lot better if he had been IN the store, which he wasn't because he was too busy pooping in your yard and feeling REALLY bad about it.

At the Walgreens, I bought microwave popcorn and the clerk told me I looked like a reporter. He probably wouldn't have told me that if he'd seen me doing this about a minute earlier.

And now "butt lovers" is going to be the top search that brings people to my blog. I guess you can only go up from "dude vu anal" and "erectoral dysfnunction." Whatever that is. Something political is what I'd guess.

How to get a professional job

noreply@blogger.com (pulley-whipped) — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 20:53:00 +0000

It occurred to me, about a half second after I hit send on an electronic application to a REAL job dealing with small children, that my other life as an unabashed sex columnist and general smut enthusiast could very well color my chances in other areas of employment, especially the kind with retirement benefits and/or brand identification. How does one compartmentalize several different skill sets and talents? Especially when the main two aren't that compatible, like education policy and sex writing.

I just joined LinkedIn, at the prompting of several people, both online and off, and discovered that my mom is on there! (It's like I don't know you at all anymore!) As well as 90 other people whose email address I've accumulated over the course of the last five years. And now I'm slightly worried that all the paranoia articles about employers judging you by your Facebook status or Twitter updates are REAL and that no one will hire me unless I take all the references to boobs off of my online profiles, which is at the moment too painful to think about.

The thing is, I have legitimate experience in Communications, and I happen to love writing about sex too. I don't want to have to tone down or cover up my writing persona, but I also don't want to scare people off who don't know me. Nor do I want to create completely separate profiles either. For one, because it's confusing and I'd inevitably forget which is my "professional" site and my "sexy professional" site. For two, because the skills that I've accumulated can overlap. For instance, I learned about Search Engine Optimization while writing for Sex and the Windy City, which was also a skill required for a Communications Manager/Social Networking position at the nonprofit I just applied to.

Does anyone have experience with this kind of disjointedness? How do you cope?

On a completely unrelated note, if you type in "Why does..." into Google, these are the most commonly searched questions:

Sex Stories: my sexual history in 100 words

noreply@blogger.com (pulley-whipped) — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 18:28:00 +0000

I got this idea from Glamour, the UK version, which is exactly like the American version except it’s not “seduce a hot guy in ten minutes or less” it’s “shag a hot bloke in ten kilometers or less, all while driving on the left side of the road” and I didn’t think the subtle word shifts would be distracting but they actually kind of are. Like I’ll read something about a crumpet and have to stop and google, is that a dinner roll or a prostitute? And snogging always makes me think of snot, which is not something you want to be thinking about when someone is about to make out with you. Even though that happens too and should you maybe say something? Especially if you’re shorter than whoever you’re kissing and are therefore the best authority on the floral bouquet of their nasal canal? When is Glamour going to write about that issue?

Anyway, they didn’t go there. But they did ask “a bunch” of people, which I’m pretty sure means 4, to describe their sexual history in 100 words. And I thought, what a useful skill that I can apply to my current job search! Then I thought 100 words is kind of a lot and I bet I could probably sum mine up in 15:

I think it was good, but that may have just been the tequila.

Then I thought, Oh for Christ’s sake, you didn’t even remember to brush your teeth until 7pm last night and the only reason you know what day it is because your phone has that programmed and you are so lazy that it brings shame upon several Japanese families, but they’re too nice to say anything outright so they just bow politely and continue their bukkake rituals as if you didn’t exist. Then I watched Tila Tequila’s video and she said something really powerful:

"People call me an attention whore ... or whatever ... but excuse me, I'm a grown a-- woman and I'm confident in myself ... I think a woman's body is a beautiful thing ... that's why I'm a lesbian ... I was born naked ... anybody who is against that is gay and in denial."

And if you’re not inspired by that then you’re probably gay and in denial, which is why I broke down and decided to write my sexual history in 100 words, because being born naked is the opposite of wrong, I think.

Age 9: Sex = “humping”

16: Hello, Officer. We were just looking at the stars.

19-22: Boy, boy, girl….boy, grrl, boi, girl who is now a boy, girl, boy, girl. Sleeping with my friends and their girlfriends is such a good idea!

23: No degree in the world will help me conquer this glow-in-the-dark dildo.

24-25: Lost my orgasm. Thorough investigation ensues, involving several, well-stocked attendants. Became sex columnist. Became polyamorous. Fucking friends = not such a good idea, but you’ve still got a friend in me!

25-present: Found it! Ellie was hiding it in her yoga pants all this time.

Okay, so that’s actually 101 words. But I think they are counting the ellipses as a word, which means it’s really 100 words and Microsoft is just gay and in denial. I encourage you to write your own Sexual History in 100 Words, either in the comments or with a link back to your own blog. Let’s start a collective sex timeline! It’s more rewarding than commenting on your friend’s Twitter page, I promise. Even if the update is about a really good burrito.

Blah(g)

noreply@blogger.com (pulley-whipped) — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 01:50:00 +0000

I don't know quite what to do with this blog. I've been writing over here for a while now: Good Migrations but that's mostly about traveling.

And I am kind of pretty much done traveling for a while. Unless we're talking about the sisterhood of the traveling pants, in which case, I'll never be over that.

Also, that pukey green header bar at the top makes me feel all stab-y and I don't want to ruin our new-to-me furniture. I need guidance. Do I make this into a sexy blog? With maybe some erotica, events, Chicago Now-ish stuff? Do I scrap it and start over? Does anyone even read this anymore? Oh Christ, fine. Here's some boobs. Plz 2 send guidance now. kthxbai.

Word

noreply@blogger.com (pulley-whipped) — Sat, 12 Sep 2009 22:57:00 +0000

"Words, I think words are all you need for love -- you say them and then just for the hell of it your heart rises and spills over into them. My idea for a love affair is that if everyone makes enough declarations, one of them is bound to come true."

-- Lorrie Moore, Anagrams

this is diversity

noreply@blogger.com (pulley-whipped) — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 01:47:00 +0000

Just signed up for a cool new website, This is Diversity. Community Journalism, ya'll. The wave of the future.

They asked me to submit my article on the absurdities of gender testing a la Caster Semenya

Though now that I have, I can't find it. Time lapse glitch? Either way, check out the site. Submit your own stuff! Learn about diversity!

Sex and the Windy City: The Movie!

noreply@blogger.com (pulley-whipped) — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 14:54:00 +0000

Queer comes the bride

noreply@blogger.com (pulley-whipped) — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 22:10:00 +0000

On gayin' it up at a Christian wedding and humorous ways that my girlfriend and I have been propositioned.

My favorite remains, "I used to be a woman!"

Check it out.

new from Sex and the Windy City

noreply@blogger.com (pulley-whipped) — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 17:08:00 +0000

Get your Freakend on: speed dating, white parties, bingo and more

You may have missed the chance to break the world record for most people showering in one place at Six Flags yesterday, but there are still plenty of opportunities to get wet in the coming days and not just because it's supposed to rain.As I mentioned yesterday, Naked Girls Reading...

The right to bare arms: Don't miss Naked Girls Reading

Fourth of July may be over, but the real fireworks are just getting started. Naked Girls Reading is back and they're backing that ass up this time with a Freedom of Choice themed reading at Studio L'amour (939 W Randolph)

Rethinking sex education, Oprah style
Whenever I think about groups promoting sex education, churches are pretty much the last thing that comes to mind (second only to the Anarchist Jugglers Union), but as the latest issue of O Magazine reports, churches are playing an integral role in the rising trend of adult sex education.

Wednesgay News: Tila Tequila, drag queen crimes and a call to arms from Dan Savage
Alexia Alejada-Ruiz alerted us to recent news from gay rights pioneer, Tila Tequila, who claimed she was responsible for legalizing same-sex marriage in California. She is now writing letters to Obama on Don't Ask Don't Tell, with the inspiring slogan, "Discrimination is so 2000 and Late!" Other News:...

Sextra, Sextra! News you can use

Did you know it's National Nude Recreation Week? If not, it bares reminding (ba dum ching)Other news:...

Has the recession revived dating or made us more desperate?
We've been in a recession for 18 months now (Man, that seems like a long time) and pretty much every sector has been hit - even the porn industry asked for a federal bailout - but those in the dating biz have seen a recent boom. According to yesterday's...

Can't bi me love: Why won't he sleep with me?

So I met this guy about a month ago, and we dig each other. He's not looking for a relationship, and I'm not going to waste my energy trying to make him, so we're basically in the "friends with benefits" stage. The "benefits", however, only go so far. We've had...

polyamory in the RedEye, autoerotic asphyxiation and more!

noreply@blogger.com (pulley-whipped) — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 19:51:00 +0000

Poly wanna what? Reshaping the debate on polyamory

The cover story of today's RedEye is all about polyamory. Other articles include a glossary of poly lingo and a resource guide for Chicagoans on, among other things, where poly peeps go to sing karaoke:The PolyChi Yahoo! Group, founded in the late '90s, has more than 1,000 members and hosts...
Can't bi me love: Can David Carradine's death teach us about safe autoerotic asphyxiation?

I'm really interested in exploring breath play by myself, but I'm really scared of ending up dead alone in the middle of rubbing one out. What's the best way to get into this kind of stuff without ending up in a coffin?~Breathless in ChicagoDear Breathless in Chicago,That was going to...
L'amour Couture and other sexy Chicago events

Why waste your time at the Taste of Randolph Street, when you can sip cocktails, eat cupcakes and watch beautiful women model vintage garters, head pieces and riding crops? This Saturday, June 20th, is the launch of L'amour Couture. Michelle L'amour and Love, Lulu Mae have come together to create...
Dating advice gone wrong

Erin Bradley, advice columnist extraordinaire at Nerve, calls out some of the worst advice columns in a new weekly series. Below is an excerpt from Veronica Vixen at Lowrider Magazine, which is, I'm finding, so much more than pictures of boobs and cars! The Dilemma: Robert's girlfriend goes all Twilight...

cheater news - harmless? pointless? justice?

noreply@blogger.com (pulley-whipped) — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 17:37:00 +0000

A look at the website, Cheater News, where people can anonymously post revenge stories, insults and grooming tips for those they have been wronged by. Favorite quote:

Back in late Dec. 2005, I left Laura M. Why? Laura is the P@ssy trap

And someone even uses the "you have a stick in your butt that makes you walk funny" insult. Read the whole thing here.

Holly Hughes preaches to the perverted at Northwestern

noreply@blogger.com (pulley-whipped) — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 17:11:00 +0000

Check out a review of Holly Hughes' performance, courtesy of Ammie:

Back when I was a babydyke and still in the "everything queer is automatically awesome" stage, I bought my then-girlfriend a copy of Holly Hughes' Clit Notes: A Sapphic Sampler, which is a collection of the lesbian performance artist's early work. Other than that I enjoyed it, all I remember is thinking that The Well of Horniness was one of the best play titles I'd ever heard; most of the draw of the book in general came from its titles, really. "Clit?" I thought. "Count me in!"

Read the rest here.

civil unions and anal sex limericks. what?

noreply@blogger.com (pulley-whipped) — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 16:24:00 +0000

New Sex and the Windy City posts!

Can't bi me love: being anal about pregnancy i had sex my girl friend in her ass and sperm out in her ass so is there any chance of pregnancy. please inform urgently.~scaredIt is far too early for me to be deciphering your erotic poetry, Scared, but I am willing to venture a guess that you are asking...

Wednesgay news: Illinois Civil Unions FAIL Frankly, I am Illinoyed. Last week, hundreds of Chicagoans marched in protest of Prop 8 in California for upholding the gay marriage ban instituted in November. Then, as of Sunday, once again the Illinois Civil Unions Bill was not passed in the General Assembly. This is not the first time...

Survey: Bottoms-up Chicago Awesomely fagtastic blog, TheSword, recently published an article on which cities have the most tops and bottoms, based on a survey of Craigslist M4M ads. Who comes out on top, and by that I mean bottom? Houston, do we have a problem?The fact that Houston has 73% Bottoms is slightly...

Let's talk about sex (baby) One thing I often bemoan to my weekly pre-teen Bible study group is that there just aren't enough places to dish about sex in Chicago. That and how dry the sex scenes are in the Good Book. (Ed note: Kidding. I've never actually read the Bible and so cannot attest...

Can't bi me love: when to call for a second date? Hey Anna, So this girl I went out with on a successful first date two days ago is now hounding me to know if I want to go out again. I think I probably do, but am busy and want the ability to not answer for a few days, which feels...

The low down and go down on Online Booty Call Hook up sites are part of a growing trend of websites that allow us to forgo the pretense of "dating" and go right to fluid exchange, thus eliminating, well, pretty much all social interaction that goes with being human, I guess. A PR rep from Onlinebootycall.com contacted me a...

you down with OBC? (yeah you know me)

noreply@blogger.com (pulley-whipped) — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 16:39:00 +0000

The PR peep from onlinebootycall.com reached out to me recently to interview the president of the site. Apparently Chicago is ranked 5th for online hook ups. Kileen, Texas is #6. Really? Though I suppose the song "All my exes live in Texas" was perhaps written for just such a reason. Especially since Houston is #2. I haven't actually looked at the site yet b/c I'm too often on my work computer and don't cock shots seem inevitable on such a website?

Anyhoodle, I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions for questions to ask in this interview. So far, all I have is, "So this is an NSA interview, right?" which has continued to crack ME up for four days running! But, really, what would YOU want to know about such a site?

Why it exists? Why it's better/worse than Craigslist?
Are there really MORE casual hook ups, or is it just more readily available now that we have the internet?
Would you join? why/why not?

Any suggestions are appreciated.

A R.I.M. Job: Restore Integrity to Marriage

noreply@blogger.com (pulley-whipped) — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 16:44:00 +0000

via: Shoot the Messenger

"The apocalyptic consequences of same-sex marriage are too terrifying to imagine. But you can help. Join the Brownbow Coalition. United by our shared intolerance, we will Restore Integrity to Marriage."

WriterBabe Interview

noreply@blogger.com (pulley-whipped) — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 14:45:00 +0000

The amazing Raven Moore, who runs a website called The WriterBabe Series: a blog for the professionally curious, interviewed me recently about sex, freelance writing and Mario Lopez. We met years ago, humorously enough, at a Singles Night sponsored by the Chicago Reader, even though we weren't members and nearly everyone there was easily 40 years old.

Anyhoo, check out the interview here.

Sex and the Second City

noreply@blogger.com (pulley-whipped) — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 15:12:00 +0000

The Chicago History Museum invited me to be a panelist in their sex series on April 22nd from 7-8:30pm (only $10, come one, come all!)

The topics of the panelists they said are pretty loose (ed note: heh) meaning I could talk about whatever I wanted to pretty much, as long as there's a somewhat Chicago-focused element. Here are some thoughts:

History of sex toys - from the Bible to today, with shout outs to local faves like Early 2 Bed.

How dating has changed in recent years - the surge of online dating and social networking sites like facebook, twitter, etc. Interspersed would be stories about terrible dates I've been on, except maybe not the Christian masturbation one...

The Journey to Online journalism - for sex writing (admittedly I know a lot less about "journalism" but the topic seems interesting, especially in these recession times.)

Eh? Eh?

*Addendum: the real draw of doing this is to potentially see Max Hollywood, former Chicago King, whom I think might work there and whom I can no longer find pictures of on the internet. Sob. Why is Marky Mark showing up in my internet searches?

hot for teacher

noreply@blogger.com (pulley-whipped) — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 17:31:00 +0000

of course two days after my early retirement from writing post (see below), i get a job offer. wtf, universe!

details forthcumming, but it will be in the vein of sex/relationships (not, however, on jesus butt plugs or utah's obsession with online pornography...i think)

to celebrate, i've been listening to more kelly clarkson than is ironically acceptable and trying to catch up on the seemingly daily teacher sex scandals that keep popping up. come on, ladies - at least find someone with pubic hair! of course i can't say i never had a teacher fantasy while growing up - a few years after i graduated high school, i admitted to a former teacher (who is SO gay and who i actually ran into at a gay male club) of my crush that i had on him and he said "Oh, honey, I knew." both him and his boyfriend have the same first name, which seemed silly to me at the time but now i kind of like it. they're like a sports team - The Scotts. they're also both scottish, which is amazing on another level.

i never got crushes on teachers in college, except a smattering of TAs, possibly b/c the majority of them looked like academic versions of Gallagher or were old enough to reminisce about wooden nickels. yet the hotness of the teacher/student dynamic still pervades.

is that why i'm in love with a yoga teacher?

well, that was a disaster

noreply@blogger.com (pulley-whipped) — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 17:10:00 +0000

My little experiment as an Examiner is almost over and can be filed in the "lessons learned in 2009" folder that I would make if I wasn't so bad at filing things and/or learning lessons. After a little over a month and 17 articles written, I'm still waiting to be paid an amount I am embarrassed to admit I am even fighting for. I perhaps foolishly like to think of myself as a "professional writer" in the sense that earning money is the sole reason for deeming someone professional and not, you know, respect, fulfillment, artistic expression, a W-2, etc (Ellie joked that once people start hating on you in the comments section is when you've really "made it" but I believe there is truth to this. The most page views and comments I received was for an "article" (in essence a summary with one or two sentences of my own words) about gay rights legislation.)

Since the shitty economy took away my Centerstage column, I've been forced to take the writing equivalent of working the deep fryer at McDonald's and now I'm questioning whether I should just stop completely, at least for a while. It's not like I don't have a REAL job, with retirement benefits and gun metal gray decor. The schedule is exhausting enough as it is, when one factors in longer nonprofit hours, getting up at 5:30am most days to do yoga so that the rest of the day is somewhat more bearable, trying to cook dinner every once in a while that doesn't come from a cardboard box, etc. Sometimes I can't muster the energy to watch a 42 minute episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer after all of the day-to-day mundanities are accounted for. But all of these things seem like poor excuses for not writing. It's just that there must be a way to get paid without having to compromise one's integrity THAT much. I'm fine with a little compromising. For instance, I'll review an ice cream parlor for $15 knowing that I also have to $5 pay to sample the ice cream.

Recently, I had the pleasure of attending several workshops by Kino MacGregor, who continues to inspire and amaze me. One piece of advice she gave (and I realize this sounds SO yoga but whatever) is to go after what makes your heart open. Don't waste your time on activities you think you should be aspiring towards because you can't manufacture inspiration. It's either there or it isn't. And lately writing has felt more like a burden and less an inspiration. Which is perhaps the most depressing thing ever.

Here's hoping this is a phase, like "being straight" or being strangely enamored by pear-shaped tomatoes. We shall see.

utah's porn consumption, photo of dawson leery, etc

noreply@blogger.com (pulley-whipped) — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 00:19:00 +0000

latest examiner posts, including a nonprofit devoted to narrating porn for the visually impaired (even 2 girls, 1 cup!) and an article that got the mormons in a twitch - they left a bunch of mildly literate comments. read on!

Utah – home of polygamy, persecution and…porn?

Hot or not – Porn for the blind

Craigslist sued by Cook County Sheriff

Mormons try to undermine marriage equality in Illinois

Bedpost Beta: how much sex do you have?

Canoodle from you cell phone with BouncePhone