Even to those of us without rich latina experience, Oklahoma Sen. Tom Coburn's question to Sonia Sotomayor seemed perfectly understandable: "Rather than legal thought, give me your opinion of whether or not in this country, I personally, as an individual citizen, have a right to self defense."
"That is sort of an abstract question with no particular meaning to me..." Sotomayor said.
If I had been Sen. Coburn, and realized that Sotomayor could not wrap her mind around the concept of self defense, I would have resorted to questioning even a child could understand:
"Judge, pretend for a moment you are Bugs Bunny, sitting happily one day in your rabbit hole, eating a carrot and watching The Rabbit Channel on TV."
"I'm in my own home, minding my own business, yes?"
"Yes, Judge. And suddenly, here comes that maniac with a double-barrel shotgun -- the infamous Elmer Fudd."
"Along comes Elmer..."
"Yes, and Elmer is positively nuts from doing meth, cocaine and Jim Beam for 24 hours straight. He digs away the dirt covering your home, points his shotgun right at your heart and yells, I'm going to kill you, you wascally wabbit!"
"I'm just eating a carrot and watching The Rabbit Channel, minding my own business?"
"Yes, and right next to you on a table is your .38 caliber Smith and Wesson revolver, which you have a right to own. In your opinion, Judge, can you pick up that revolver and shoot Elmer Fudd before he shoots you?"
"Well, the fact that he calls the rabbit wascally implies a past history between the two, which could suggest mitigating circumstances and possible preemptive..."
"Damnit, Sonia, do you have the right to shoot Elmer or not?"
"Next question, please."
Liberal U.S. educators are reporting multiple intellectual orgasms since President Obama told CNN in Africa that the history of slavery was a terrible part of our history and should be taught in American schools.
If I were to interview one of these educators between spasms, I suspect it would go something like this:
Educator: Omigod, omigod, omigod...that was so good! Now, what was your question again?"
"I said, if you make the history of slavery a regular part of the U.S. curriculum, shouldn't it be balanced with a class that puts things in perspective for black students?"
"Like what?"
"I'm thinking of a course of study entitled, Slavery Really Sucked for My Ancestors, but It Sure Was a Godsend for Me."
"That's preposterous."
"Not at all. If I'm a black living in sub-Saharan Africa today, I've got an average life expectancy of 46 years -- a full 30 years less than blacks in America. Half the African population makes less than a dollar a day. Fifty percent of the kids never enroll in grade school. Aids, war, genocide, malnutrition, illiteracy, atrocious health care, deranged dictators...Africa is the cesspool of continents."
"So the slaves were the lucky ones?"
"Like I said, slavery sucked. But if I'm a black living in America today because my ancestors came over as slaves, it sure was a godsend for me."
"That's politically incorrect on so many levels."
"But true."
"I'm a liberal educator. Truth has nothing to do with being politically correct."
Prior to departing Russia on Tuesday for the G-8 meeting in Italy, President Obama expressed frustration and regret that his first visit to Moscow was eclipsed by the Michael Jackson memorial service in Los Angeles.
"This week was supposed to be all about me," Obama told reporters. "Instead, the news is nothing but Michael, Michael, Michael." In a rare public expletive, the President then shook his head and muttered, "Sheee-it!"
A mortified Michelle Obama attempted to lead her husband away from shocked reporters, but Mr. Obama was having none of it.
"I mean, really, what had Jackson done beyond the musical world? The guy couldn't even play basketball. I would've dunked on him like he was a little girl. Sheee-it!"
"Barack," the First Lady pleaded, "you're scaring the children."
"No, they need to hear this!" the President snapped. "I could have spent my early years just like him -- singing with the brothers on street corners, dancing the alligator for nickels and dimes from the rich folk passing by. But no! I set my sights on Harvard Law School and became President of the United States."
"Everyone knows you can sing and dance," Michelle said. "And yes, you could dunk on Michael."
"With either hand, Michelle. With either hand."
White House press secretary Robert Gibbs said Mr. Obama's remarks must be read in context to be correctly understood.
"All the President was suggesting," Gibbs said, "was that Michael Jackson was a mediocre basketball player. There's no shame in that."
Defense Secretary Robert Gates, who is conducting a full-scale review of government policy on homosexuals in the military, says he is finalizing plans to form an all-gay division in the U.S. Army.
"Every soldier in the outfit, from two-star general to the lowliest private, will be gay or lesbian and damn proud of it," Gates said. "Don't ask, don't tell, just isn't working. The policy of the new division will be, 'If you're here, you're queer.' "
A Pentagon spokesman said planners are currently looking for a suitable nickname for the all-homosexual force.
"The Rainbow Division would have been perfect, but it's already taken," he said. "The finalists are The Fighting Flames, The Gay Caballeros and -- the leading contender -- The Rump Rangers."
Gates admits that an all-gay force has its critics. "Some are suggesting that sexual activity in the ranks will run rampant, perhaps in detriment to the military mission. But I have faith that gays in the Army -- just like their straight counterparts -- will be soldiers first and horny sonsabitches second."
An all-gay division, the Secretary said, will also eliminate the main argument against allowing admitted homosexuals to serve in frontline units.
"The contention is that a heterosexual G.I. would be uneasy sharing a foxhole with someone who might want his bod," Gates said. "But if you're a proud member of The Rump Ranger Division, there's no sexual tension whatsoever. You and your buddy are right on the same page, and you're damn glad of it."
If the Rump Ranger experiment proves successful, the U.S. Navy -- which Marine Corps sources claim is predominantly homosexual -- will be the next service to field an all-gay force.
"My understanding," said Marine Corps Sgt. Buck Jones, "is that the entire Seventh Fleet will be designated gays only. And if that works out, the Sixth Fleet will be right behind them."
"It's tough being a child molester," Lester told me in an exclusive jailhouse interview, "but Michael Jackson gave us hope."
"How's that?" I asked.
"Have you seen the coverage, man? It's all about the music, baby...nobody cares what he did in the bedroom with little boys."
"He did pay out millions to alleged victims," I said, "but that was just to 'buy him some peace.' "
"No doubt," Lester said. "There ain't no peace in prison for a child molester."
"I can't believe a musical genius would abuse little boys," I said. "I mean, have you seen the moon walk?"
"Exactly my point!" Lester the Molester said. "Us poor run-of-the-mill, no-talent molesters are totally hated by society. Everywhere we go parents tell their kids, 'Look out for Lester the Molester -- Stay away from Lester the Molester.' Gosh, why should we be defined by one little aspect of our personalities?"
"Probably because sexually abusing kids is irredeemably detestable," I offered.
"I repeat, have you seen the coverage? We got big-time newscasters and celebrities practically weeping over Michael. I tell ya, he's given us real hope for the first time."
"But there's no cure for pedophilia, Lester. Once a child molester, always a child molester."
"Man, you just don't get it. We don't need no stinking cure."
"You don't?"
"Hell, no! All we need are singing and dancing lessons."
As the Census Bureau gears up for its official 2010 count of U.S. residents, Director-nominee Robert Groves says the Bureau's biggest challenge will be to tally the number of illegals living within our borders. (Current estimates range from eight million to 30 million, and possibly even a gazillion.)
Since illegals are suspicious of anyone with a clipboard, Groves said Latinos, Latinas and their children (Latinettes) will simply refuse to answer the door when census takers go house-to-house in their neighborhoods.
"Instead," Groves said, "census workers will contact illegals where they all go for free health care -- hospital emergency rooms. On a given day in 2010, at the very same hour, our people will descend on thousands of ER's across the nation. We will not kick ass, but we will take names."
After that, Groves said, estimating the entire illegal population is a simple case of multiplication. "At any given moment, 10 percent of all undocumented immigrants in America are sitting in ER rooms. We just multiply our ER totals by 10, and that's the magic number."
Hospital administrators in California, Texas and Arizona were enthusiastic about the plan, and expressed hope some illegals might seek alternative health care to avoid the census.
"Like hundreds of other ER's, we allow taco vendors in the parking lot and employ a mariachi band to keep patients entertained during the long waits," one said. "Unfortunately, this has caused some unintended side effects."
The "side effects" have been cases of critically ill U.S. citizens refusing transport to hospital ER's because of the waiting time and the Latino, Latina and Latinette atmosphere.
As one heart attack victim told first-responders to his home: "I'd rather die peacefully in my own bed than listen to that damn mariachi music for 10 hours."
President Obama's invitation to Iranian diplomats to attend July 4th celebrations at U.S. embassies around the world still stands, despite the regime's brutal crackdown on its citizens.
"In light of current events, however," said White House press secretary Robert Gibbs, "the Iranians will not be accorded the same privileges as other invitees. For example, none of them will be given complimentary sparklers."
"Everyone will have sparklers except the Iranians?" I asked.
"Yes, and they're going to feel like total idiots," Gibbs said. "They'll just have to stand around with their hands in their pockets, or wherever it is Iranians put their hands when they don't have sparklers to wave."
"Some people think the invitation to the Iranians should have been withdrawn altogether," I said.
"Sparkler deprivation is only part of their punishment," Gibbs continued. "They will also be turned away at the hot dog and soda pop lines."
"No hot dogs or sodas for the Iranians?"
"The President has made it crystal clear: Kill your people for protesting an election -- no free hot dogs from Uncle Sam. He has drawn a line in the mustard."
"What about the fireworks display?" I asked. "Will they be allowed to watch?"
"We will ask that they close one eye," Gibbs said. "But we're not sure we can trust the bastards."
Shortly after President Obama killed a fly with his bare hand during a filmed interview with CNBC, the body of a raccoon that has lived on the White House grounds since 1988 was discovered by Secret Service agents.
"It appears Snuffy was murdered, apparently by a blow to the head," one agent said.
Snuffy, a gift to then-President Reagan by British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, largely stayed out of sight but was well known to White House insiders for his gentle disposition and fetish for sugar cubes.
White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs initially claimed no knowledge of Snuffy's demise, but later told journalists Obama accidentally killed the raccoon during "some playful roughhousing" immediately after the CNBC interview.
"After the fly encounter, the President's blood was up," Gibbs said. "Mr. Obama was just going to box Snuffy's ears a little, but things got out of hand. Snuffy was old, and he could get cranky when people screwed with him."
An eyewitness to the raccoon's death offered a different account. "The President was looking for trouble," the source said. "He chased Snuffy down, snatched him up by the scruff of the neck, and slugged him with a closed fist. It was awful."
The source said Obama then shouted, "I got the sucker!" -- the same words he used after killing the fly.
A spokesman for PETA said they were saddened by Snuffy's death, but would not seek an investigation.
"Snuffy had a good life," PETA President Ingrid Newkirk said. "We have to believe if Mr. Obama killed him, he must have had a damn good reason."
In an effort to pick the new leader of the Republican Party, Sarah Palin has invited top GOP politicians to a two-week "Alaska Outdoor Adventure" in early October. According to Palin, participants "will live off the land, engage in trust-building exercises, and if we're really lucky, maybe even knock off a grizzly bear."
"I already have commitments from Cheney, Giuliani, Gingrich and Rove," Palin said, "and Mitt Romney and Rush Limbaugh also indicate they'll attend."
While plans for the outing have yet to be finalized, the group will be ferried by helicopter into one of Alaska's remotest regions and left to their own devices for up to 14 days.
"Dick Cheney and I will be armed for sure," Palin said, "and anyone else who wants to carry a sidearm or rifle will be encouraged to do so. We'll only be eating what we shoot, so I'm hoping everyone will be packing."
Alaska's governor said she came up with the idea in response to Democratic charges that the GOP is a ship without a rudder since the November election. "Well, let me tell you," she said, "when this trip is over, we're going to by God have us a leader."
When asked if all the politicians were healthy enough for the adventure, Palin smiled and said, "That's what this is all about. Anybody who starts crying for his mama, or even -- God forbid -- croaks out there, is not the person we want leading the Party."
Palin admitted she may have an advantage because she is younger and more experienced in the wilderness.
"But some of the older guys just might surprise us," she said. "In a life and death situation, if you toss a Bowie knife on the ground between Limbaugh and Gingrich, you're going to see one helluva cat fight."
Researchers are suggesting the election of our President has resulted in an "Obama Effect," which is mysteriously causing black students to suddenly score higher on standardized tests.
While the findings are anecdotal, a black college student I interviewed said he witnessed the Obama Effect firsthand while taking a finals math test in May.
"In order to solve a complex equation," Tyrell Washington told me, "I first had to know the product of 12x12. Before Barack was elected, I got it wrong every time."
"Did you know the correct answer?" I asked.
"Yes, but the stereotype said I was expected to underachieve and I fulfilled the prophecy. I always screwed it up and scored lower than the white kids, the Asian kids and an Indian dude named Singh."
"So what happened during your math final,Tyrell? How did you break through 200 years of stereotypical subjugation?"
"Well, there it was again on the exam -- 12x12 -- leering at me like a slavemaster on a Southern plantation. I started to write down 143, and then, miraculously, the face of Barack Obama slowly materialized on the blackboard. He spoke to me."
"What did he say, Tyrell? Did he tell you anything is possible if you have the drive and will to succeed? Did he tell you it wasn't The Man keeping you down, but your very own fear and insecurity? Did he tell you if he could become President, you could certainly learn the times tables?"
"He said, 'It's 144, dumb ass! Put down 144!' "
"The President simply gave you the answer? Isn't that called cheating?"
"No, sir. It's called the Obama Effect."