wranglingchaos

confusion. maddie pics, and some snorting

2013-05-23T14:39:00.000-04:00

Every time I log into facebook, I see this.

It's giving me anxiety attacks. I keep trying to answer, BUT I CAN'T. I don't know. I cannot decide where I'm from.

I was born in Wisconsin. My parents are from New Jersey, and I lived there until I was 16.

But then I spent 12 years in North Carolina.

I'm SO CONFUSED.

***

Maddie really likes watching videos of herself on my phone. She finds is completely and utterly hilarious. So sometimes, I'll look at my camera roll, and find something like this.

Toddlers are so freaking awesome.

***

There are two shows that come on occasionally, that leave me puzzled.

The first-Jungle Junction: I would like to know why the animals have wheels.

Some are mopeds, some are four wheelers, some are tricycles. Is it a show with subliminal messages about vehicular equality? Bicyclic integration? At attempt to let preschoolers everywhere know that they fit in, no matter their chosen method of transport?

It's a weird fucking show.

The second is Peppa Pig. At first, it's innocuous. A pig family, with adorable British accents, doing happy family things and learning stuff along the way. Pretty much par for the course of toddler shows.

But then, when you're not paying attention, and reading blogs on your laptop while the babies eat pretzels and stare, transfixed at the pig family, you hear it. THE SNORT. The oink.

"talk talk talk cute accent talk talk OINK talk talk"

And you think, 'nah, there's no way that just happened', until you hear it again.

"dad pig talk talk talk OINK OINK serious british man voice talk OINK talk talk talk OINK OINK".

So you say 'OH FUCK NO' and turn on Yo Gabba Gabba instead because while that show may be weird as hell, at least there's no OINKING.

blurbs, juxtaposed. Sort of

2013-05-21T08:48:00.003-04:00

"NO YOU STOP"

'NO. YOU."

"NU UH, YOU STOP"

"NO YOU STOP OR I'LL TELL MOM"

***

I'm sitting right there, two feet away, and they're fighting over who gets to show Maddie something. As if I'm not in the room. Threatening to tell on each other, EVEN THOUGH I'M SITTING RIGHT THERE.

The determination to argue despite circumstance annoys the ever loving shit out of me sometimes. Often, nothing else exists except their innate need to be right.

At 7:30am it's a crime against nature.

***

I have an app on my phone called iTot flash cards, and Maddie loves it. She's taught herself all the words in the app. I had no idea she knew half of them, but yesterday I hear her sitting there, repeating everything.

A toddler who speaks, who communicates their needs, is amazing. It makes everything so much easier. When she wants water, she asks for water. When she wants bread, she asks for bread. If she wants a show, she asks for a show.

Being that Liv doesn't talk much at all, and when she does it's still a guessing game on my part, I don't take a single word Maddie says for granted. It's just a blessing.

***

I just watched Liv bogart Maddie's entire abandoned breakfast. She was fabulously sneaky about the whole thing, too. She saw the bacon hanging out on the plate, noticed that Maddie was playing instead of eating, and then surreptitiously snagged the bacon pieces one by one.

I can't blame the kid. I mean, it's bacon.

***

Before Chris and I had kids, we used to go white water rafting.

We've done most of the rivers in North and South Carolina, and were starting on the West VA rivers when I got pregnant with Cass.

Our last trip was the Gauley River, which is mostly class IV & V rapids, and it was the most amazing trip ever. We had a phenom river guide, a raft filled with dudes who just wanted to ride the rapids.

I freaking love rafting. I saw a commercial yesterday for a rafting center, and the feeling of complete and utter longing that came over me was sort of overwhelming. I miss that. I miss being able to take a weekend and do something amazing, something that's pure fun and adrenaline.

I want to plan a trip to raft this fall. Maybe take the big kids on the New River, give them a taste of the awesome.

Once in awhile I miss the ease of things before kids. The simplicity of doing things. I wouldn't trade any of my kids for all the ease in the world, and I love them with every part of my soul. But I get so tired, and it's so complicated to do even the simplest of things.

A weekend trip for us isn't a weekend trip. It's four days of packing and preparation, two days of staying in an unfamiliar location where neither baby sleeps, and then four days of unpacking and laundry and trying to get everyone back on schedule.

***

Maddie is sitting next to me as I type this, playing on my phone. Her latest favorite activity is to scroll through my photos.

She sees a pic of Gabe, and waves and says 'HI DABE', and then she sees one of Liv, and gets all excited and jumps up to go show Liv the photo of herself. She'll flip the camera so it's facing her, and take pictures of herself, and then giggle.

It's adorable personified.

freewrite, tired

2013-05-20T08:05:00.000-04:00

At 5:30 I hear Maddie yelling, so I drag myself out of bed to go get her. Liv's been puking since yesterday morning, so I haven't slept much.

She's in her crib, naked. Completely. Diaper off, clothes off, standing up, bare-assed naked, yelling at me. She'd been like that for awhile, because her sheets were soaked.

I put her in the tub, washed her down, got her dressed, and changed her bedding.

By 7:15 I'd done two loads of laundry, made lunches, gotten everyone breakfast, washed dishes, bathed the wild child, and yelled at my older children for fighting over the precise location of the xBox controller.

It's 7:47am and I'm tired.

By 6 tonight, when Chris gets home, my tired will go beyond that into utter exhaustion.

I end each day feeling as if I've been beaten up. Being a parent of four is exhausting in a way I can't really describe, and when you add to that the fact that one of those kids has some extra needs? It makes for wanting to lay down and stare at the walls for a week.

I had a blog post planned for today, making fun of that new app where everyone's doodling all over their iPhone photos, but I'm not feeling up to the backlash of people's feelings getting hurt. I'm too tired, and it's quite possible that I'd respond badly to hurt feelings.

Getting feelings hurt because I make fun of the fact that I can no longer see anyone's faces in pics because they're covered in cartoon hearts and flowers and inspirational phrases is silly, and I'm not up to handling it.

Chris has a cold, so he's barely hanging on. It's me against the world this week, the last man standing against a sea of viral onslaught. I like being a mom, I adore my kids, but sometimes I feel like I've got all these things that I'm not handling well. I have no clue what I'm doing with raising of people, and as my kids get older, the problems get bigger and harder and more complicated. The emotional morass of daily life becomes something that wears down my capability for handling anything.

I met a potential friend recently. She was a lovely person, and we hung out a few times. And then I realized that she's got a ton of baggage, that she's needy as hell, and that she's one of those people who needs a lot in a friendship. I pulled back because I don't have the resources for that kind of friendship.

I already have needy people in my life. I gave birth to them all. I can't handle needy adults. The kind who suck out your energy and feed off your strength. They're emotional vampires. I just don't have it in me to deal.

I know I sound like a selfish asshole. I'm not, though. It's more that I know my limits, and out of respect for myself, and my family, my children, I take those limits into consideration.

***

I'm going to drink more coffee now.

flip flops and no sleep

2013-05-17T08:55:00.000-04:00

It's May, and warm, and so I feel like we shouldn't have any colds in this house.

Yet both babies have colds, are miserable, and haven't slept in three days. Which means I haven't slept in three days. Mads smashed my brow bone last night with her forehead, and now it's bruised and sore.

I feel like a barbie doll that was taken apart and put back together with all the wrong parts. It's a physical sort of broken, the culmination of complete and utter exhaustion coupled with solo parenting for most of the week.

****

I was at Target yesterday, buying toilet paper because we ran out.

When everyone in the house is using tissues from the tiny, individual, purse-sized Kleenex packages, it's time to buy some toilet paper.

The babies are growing out of their shoes, so I went over to peruse the toddler shoe section. Which is, in my opinion, the absolute best section in the store. Tiny versions of grown up shoes, in bright colors, often with flowers and sparkles and other fun things.

So I bought the babies each a pair of flip flops. And some sandals.

I thought Maddie would love them.

It was Liv, though, who thought they were the most amazing thing she'd ever seen in her life. Once we put them on, she wouldn't take them off. The rest of the day was spent in foam flip flips, occasionally turning her head so she could stare at her tiny toes in wonder.

I forget, sometimes, that she's 3. That she remembers things. That she's not stupid. I forget, that because she can't communicate, doesn't mean that she doesn't have something to say.

The day-to-day chaos takes over things, and I forget that she likes pretty shoes too.

Tiny toes in shiny sandals made my day yesterday.

blurbettios

2013-05-15T14:40:00.001-04:00

I made this recipe the other day, because I was desperately craving something chocolate and really wanted to stay on Paleo.

I feel better when I stay Paleo. Last week I had a slice of pizza, and it made me super sick for two days.

So I made these. And then I made another batch cause Chris and I seriously overindulged on the first batch, and ate them all.

If you're eating Paleo, or clean, and want a absolutely decadent sweet treat that's filled with healthy fats and no fake stuff? These are freaking AMAZING.

***

My friend Kristen has a shiny new website that's really pretty. If you haven't seen it, you should check it out. Cause I designed it. I mean, she did her own logo, cause that's what she does. She makes custom invites, prints, stationery, etc, and so the logo is all hers.

***

Liv had to stay home from school today cause she decided to get sick again. Snotty nose, misery, the works. She is the most pathetic sick child I've ever had.

***

Yesterday I was rearranging the house, and was telling Chris how much I hate our dining room table. It's 25 years old, kind of wobbly, and the chairs are mismatched. I want one of those really solid tables with the bench seats.

So I started talking to him about how we could totally repurpose our current table and make it sturdy and look different and more solid and blah blah, and about ten minutes into my waxing poetic about the value of pallets, I realized that I'm completely full of shit.

I'll NEVER repurpose a table. I can barely get my laundry folded. I make cook from scratch, and make my own yogurt, but redoing furniture or making my own curtains or pillows? Yeah. No. It's not going to happen.

Not only do I not really have time, or the space, but I have absolutely no desire to. I'd rather just design a gazilion blogs, and then save they money to buy a new table, and give the old one to someone who will probably turn it into a pinterest project.

Honesty of self is such a liberating thing.

bullied, girl style

2013-05-14T13:21:00.000-04:00

This morning I cleaned out all the toys, and got them arranged into bins.

And then I moved the living room furniture around because I wanted to vacuum underneath. Then I decided I needed to completely rearrange our main floor, and spent three hours moving furniture and cleaning and throwing random shit away.

I did all that because I needed to push past all the ugly feelings rolling around inside because my oldest child is being emotionally bullied at school.

I wanted to write about how I'm feeling. To process through, to talk about what happened. But I can't really find the words, and to slap some verbiage on a post for the purpose of just putting it out there does the experience an injustice.

She deserves more. She deserves all my focus, all my attention, all my purpose pushed past how I feel and helping her deal.

I want to go kick the ever-loving shit out of that mom.

I want to storm into the school, Italian temper blazing, and rip everyone involved a new one.

I'm not going to, though. I'm going to handle it in a way that will show my daughter how to deal. How to cope. How to get a situation resolved in a manner that leaves her able to walk away, head held high.

I've documented, the last several weeks. I've been in touch with her teacher, several times, via email and telephone so that my concern is documented.

I've had Cassidy talk through it so that her perspective is clear.

The mom of the other girl, the bully, is very involved at the school. So I told Cass that if that mom, if that woman attempts to talk to her, that Cass is to walk away. That I give her my permission to not discuss anything with any adult other than her teacher, the guidance counselor, or the administrators.

I've told Cass I have her back. That she's not going to get in trouble for defending herself, for protecting herself.

The kid, the bully, is a manipulative shit. The deviousness with which she's conducted this entire smear campaign against my daughter has been rather brilliant. She's engaged emissaries, other little girls to carry her messages back and forth on the playground rather than directly talk to Cass, so she has plausible deniability.

She's nice to Cassidy's face, while in class, within the earshot of other adults.

She's managed to get every single girl in the entire third grade class to believe that Cassidy hates her. To constantly ask Cass 'why do you hate Jane?', and "why won't you just be nice to Jane?".

(no, Jane isn't her name)

Two months ago this little girl had surgery on her foot, and has since been unable to play on the playground. Cassidy, in her kindness and loyalty, spent a solid month sitting with Jane on the bench, talking and hanging out, rather than playing with the other kids, so Jane didn't have to be all alone.

Two weeks ago, I went to have lunch with my daughter. Jane wanted to sit next to Cass so she could play with Maddie, but I sat elsewhere.

I watched Jane fake-cry about it at the other end of the table. I watched as she waited for the other girls to ask her why she was upset, and I watched while she quietly told them that she was upset because of how rude Cass was.

I watched her set up the entire thing.

I physically saw her lay the groundwork for her attack against my kid. As a former elementary school teacher, I KNEW what was happening. I've seen it before, albeit never quite so perfectly executed.

Cass doesn't cry much. She does the pre-adolescent stomp off and fake cry, but she doesn't truly cry often. Yesterday, she was upset enough to cry. She came home, really worked up, because now there's only two girls left in the class who will talk to her.

When you have a baby, and they don't sleep at night, you're beyond exhausted because you never get to sleep, ever, at all. And then they turn into older kids and you're all excited cause you get to sleep again.

You don't, though. You don't sleep. You don't sleep because you're up all night, praying that God will hold her little heart in His hands. That he won't let her be broken by this. You don't sleep because she's at a sleepover and you're afraid of her being molested, even though you trust the parents completely and have taught her how to protect herself. How to have a voice.

You can't sleep anymore because you have to keep watch. You're terrified for something to happen to them, more so than when they were babies, because the awful is so much more, so much worse than when you could hold them in your arms.

You don't sleep because you've been bullied, and you remember.

It didn't break me. I'll be fucking damned if I don't do everything in my power to keep this from breaking her.

blurbs

2013-05-13T05:54:00.001-04:00

It's 5:41am and I've been up for half an hour already.

I'd like to say it's because I went to workout, or I was feeling productive, but it's really just because my youngest child thinks sleep is a useless endeavor.

I attempted to get some work done but my brain doesn't work properly this early. So then I tried to lay on the couch while Maddie watched tv and snacked on some cereal, hoping that I could snooze for an hour. But apparently she has a deep-seated belief in mommy being upright at all times.

Statements like the above make my child sound like a brat, but she's not. She's actually a sweetheart, but it's early and she's tired so all her two-year-old-ness has come to the forefront.

***
I went for a run on Saturday, and I ran 2.2 miles in under 20 minutes. An 8:29 min/mile average pace.

I've NEVER run that fast. A few months ago I was lucky to do better than a 13 minute mile, but the last few months I've gotten a little faster. One part of that is cross-training, and being in better shape overall. The other part of it is minimalist shoes. It's not for everyone, but MAN has running like that improved my time.

I got finished, and almost fell over at my pace.

It's probably a fluke because I had to do a quick sprint at one point to get past the swarm of cicadas that decided to hang out in my path.

I don't want to talk about the cicadas. Red-eyed, big, creepy bastards. They're EVERYWHERE. As I was running, I could see holes in the ground where's they'd come up from their 17-year hibernation.

(I'm sure there's a more proper word for a 17 year bug chill-out, but whatever. It's before dawn.)

1/2 inch holes, thousands of them, the cicadas who'd squirmed up chilling out on the sides of the path, molting. EW. Bugs don't bother me, in general, but these grossed me out.

***

Mondays are stupid. Just sayin.

for my momma

2013-05-12T12:14:00.001-04:00

I'm a good mom.

I may have moments when I question something I've done, or a fleeting thought of wondering if I"m screwing up my kids, but overall? I know I'm a good mom.

All the stuff I learned about being a mom, I learned from mine.

She loves with everything she has.

She taught my sister and I how to be women, and mothers, and how to live life in a way that we can always walk away from our choices with our heads held high.

She taught me to respect myself. To value the person I am, for no other reason than that I exist.

She taught me how to be intelligent, to be different, to be an individual, unapologetically.

I learned from her that life, and all it holds, has intrinsic value. Not just because of the things we do right , but because of the things we learn from those we do wrong.

She's why I know how to be a good mom.

I'm pretty blessed to have her as mine.

some days

2013-05-08T20:49:00.001-04:00

Some days, there are moments.

Some days, those moments make my heart ache from the awesome.

Liv. You are such a rockstar.

freewrite on a rainy day

2013-05-07T09:56:00.001-04:00

It's pouring outside, and we need diapers.

So I totally just used the Harris Teeter Express Lane service to buy diapers, wipes, and bacon, so I don't have to get out of my car. I don't shop at HT, generally, since a week's worth of groceries there costs me more than my college tuition did, but today it's just necessary.

My life is boring right now. I work. I take care of my children. I cry about how horrible my house is. I eat too much bacon and drink too much coffee.

The fact that these things pretty much comprise my daily routine is both sad and comforting.

I'm feeling claustrophobic. Our house has three bedrooms. We have four children. The numbers don't work, so my son sleeps in the basement in a makeshift bedroom, and my 3 year old sleeps on a mattress on my floor. We tried having the babies share but since Liv has night terrors, it didn't work. Cass is nine. She needs her own room.

So we make do. Except making do is starting to suck, because the kids are getting to the age where they realize that their friends don't sleep in rooms that don't exist. So they ask, and they wonder, except they're still kids so they don't understand that we're waiting.

We know things are going to change this year. Soon, maybe. We know we won't be in this house past this year. Whether in a bigger house here in Northern VA, or in a new place in a new life, things will be changing. Except. They're small. They still believe that life is mostly good, and that magic exists, and that the people they see in TV shows are actual people.

So we can't explain to them that we're waiting on life, because that doesn't make sense to them.

It's very hard when your kids can ask the difficult questions, but can't quite process the answers.

So I sit around, and eat my bacon, and wish for a cupcake instead. Because cupcakes are delicious and I haven't had cake in two months, so my brain thinks it needs a cupcake. I'll probably get one the next time I go to Wegmans, just to offset the desperation that occurs when you haven't eaten cake in a long time.

Cupcakes aren't a part of my style of eating these days, but sometimes you just need to say 'fuck it' and eat a damned cupcake.

irritants

2013-05-03T18:29:00.000-04:00

Things that have been irritating me lately:

-people who assume the size of my lens directly correlates to the quality of the photos

-my children leaving their dirty socks everywhere. I found a pair of Gabe's socks in my purse the other day. My purse. Dirty, balled up Boy Socks in my purse. There's just no reason for that shit.

-the fact that my older two kids think showering is optional. I can SMELL you from across the room. TAKE A FREAKING SHOWER.

-my hair. I fucking hate my hair. It's not short. It's not long. It's in-between and I can't do anything with it, and so I walk around with bobby pins poking me in the head just to keep it under control.

-Bubble Guppies. WHY do the songs have to be so horribly catchy? And irritating? I find myself singing them, and at the same time, absolutely hating the sounds coming from my mouth.

-people who compare themselves to everyone else. It's odd. I don't compare myself to other people because I'm NOT other people.

-the sound of a neighbor revving their motorcycle at 10:30 pm. I like motorcycles. I just prefer not to hear repetitive sounds late at night.

-whining. BY MY OLDER CHILDREN. Whining is God's punishment for every bad thing I ever did to my parents.

-the television viewing habits of my children. Here's what I don't understand. They're watching a show that they've seen before. The show is recorded. It's on the DVR, saved. YET. When one has to use the bathroom, or get a drink, they have to PAUSE the tv. Because they're afraid of missing the show. THAT THEY'VE SEEN BEFORE.

-my hair. Yeah. It's on here twice. It's annoying me that badly. I feel like a frumpy mom version of my 6th grade self. And my 6th grade self? Yeah. She didn't have good hair.

quick friday popsicle recipe

2013-05-03T11:32:00.003-04:00

I make popsicles out of smoothies every day or two. We like smoothies, we like popsicles. Can't go wrong.

The other day I decided I needed some dessert popsicles, that were Paleo-friendly. So I made some. And then I ate three. Then licked the inside of the blender, trying to avoid the blades while still managing to ingest every single drop of mixture.

They are the best smoothie popsicles I've ever made. Dairy free. Gluten free. Nut free. No added sugar, at all. So I figured that I should share the recipe.

2 ripe bananas
1 small can coconut cream (or about 3oz)
1 tablespoon of vanilla extract
1 tablespoon of unsweetened cocoa powder
2-3 tablespoons of Sunbutter. Although, you could totally use almond or cashew butter if you'd like instead. Although then it wouldn't be nut free.
Just enough coconut or almond milk to blend

This made 8 popsicles for me. Two days ago. Three are left. So, yeah. They're amazing.

blerb picotgraphy

2013-05-02T13:37:00.001-04:00

Maddie has poofy hair.

I thought Liv was my sole large-hair kid, but as Maddie gets older her hair is growing out rather than down. It's the best hair ever. I often find myself putting my face into her curls just because I love the fact that I have a kid whose hair rivals mine.

***

The other night Chris was at karate and so I was doing bedtime for everyone myself.

The kids were downstairs while I was putting Liv to bed (Mads was already asleep), and Cass starts texting me. My phone was on the night table, and so I didn't see these, and apparently my lack of response pushed her buttons.

You guys. I've been doing it WRONG all this time. Apparently I'm supposed to just ignore her speed-of-light texts, and she'll get pissed enough to tell me to forget it.

NICE.

***

Maddie thought Bear needed some educational time with the iPad.

This is not a bear fallen down. She TURNED ON the app, and then sat the bear in front of it before going to play with something else.

****

Does anyone ever feel like they're being watched?

strolling, Liv style

2013-05-01T16:59:00.001-04:00

On Monday when I picked Liv up from preschool, this happened.

So today, when I picked her up again, I made sure to bring in my phone because this needed to be recorded.

I know it's long, and all anyone can hear is my voice, but I don't care. My kid walked. She walked down the hall, strolling along like she's been doing it forever.

Like 'whatcha looking at, ma? I got this DOWN'.

It's okay if you cried. I did too.

This girl has taken my heart, and turned it into a puddle of nothing. She is so amazing, So strong. So unbelievably capable.

oh, the ugly

2013-04-30T14:26:00.002-04:00

Design related tidbit. Blogger redid html, which made grab boxes with html code not work on a lot of blogs.

So. If you have a grab button, and the box below is empty, and I've done your design, feel free to email me at wranglingchaos AT gmail.com so I can give you the code to replace the widget.

If you designed your site yourself, and want to fix it, here's a tutorial that works.

***

I was scrolling through my IG feed, looking for something, and I noticed that I only post ugly photos of myself. Not ugly, as in being all 'poor me', but ugly as in 'these are the least flattering photos possible'.

You know how people on the internet like to make themselves look pretty? Everything is all in place, best angle for arm fat to be minimized, leaning back slightly so that the curvature of the back is lovely. Hair is done, even if it's 'not done', and even makeup-less faces are smooth and clean.

And then there's me.

I don't even know.

I mean, really. I am not completely devoid of personal care, but you wouldn't know it to follow me on social medial. I feel like my internet style screams 'frumpy sad mom' or 'wishes it were 1992' mom or 'wears mom jeans' mom.

I should start a new movement. A linkup of ugly. Something like...

Mature Mom Monday or Tries Too Little Tuesday

OOOH. Or.

Frumps Don't Give A Fuck Friday.

I'm so on to something here.

the vaccinate debate

2013-04-29T08:21:00.004-04:00

I made this statement recently.

(sidenote: Liv's preschool teacher thinks that she should be evaluated next year since a lot of kids on the spectrum aren't diagnosed properly until age 4, but I'm not concerned about the whole thing. Liv is Liv. Nothing changes with any kind of diagnosis for her)

I read an article yesterday about a measles outbreak in Wales, and some cases in London, and I was bothered. I was bothered because nobody should be dying from a disease that can be prevented. Kids shouldn't be exposed to a disease that can result in death, because their parents/other kids parents choose not to vaccinate based on the possibility of a condition that was only linked in a study founded on completely false research.

Asinine run-on sentence aside.

We vaccinate our kids. If I find out someone doesn't, and doesn't plan to, I don't want their kids around mine.

Harsh? Probably. My right? Absolutely.

There are few things that I'm black and white on. I tend to hang out in the grey. I'm a believer that people have the right to make decisions for themselves and their children on what's best for them. I think that everyone comes from different background, different beliefs, and that to judge based on appearances isn't fair because we don't know anyone's story.

In spite of my general open-mindedness, I'm not at all open minded about a few things.

Vaccinating our children is one of them. I don't think someone is a bad parent for not vaccinating, just like I don't think someone is a bad parent for letting their kids drink caffeine.

I do think it's irresponsible.

If you let your kids watch rated R movies, then mine won't be coming to your house for movie night. If you let your kids play video games where they're slaughtering people, mine won't be hanging out with yours playing the xbox.

As a parent, it's my right to make those decisions for my kids.

Is it your right to not vaccinate? Sure is. Is it my right to keep my kids away from yours as a result of that decision?

Yep. It is.

wait.

2013-04-25T08:52:00.000-04:00

Once in awhile, I have a moment when I realize how perfect things are, in spite of the fact that I didn't plan them that way.

Maddie was such a surprise. We didn't plan on four kids. We were done with three, especially in light of all we went through with Livie.

Thank God life takes unexpected turns.

Maddie has been the best thing that could possibly have happened to Liv. These two, these sisters, are beautiful together. I see God in my babies. I see His provision, His absolutely divine nature, His perfection.

I adore these babies, each of them for completely different reasons, and for many of the same. They couldn't be more different.

Together, though, they bless me. I see all the good in the world, playing on my front porch, handing each other pieces of sidewalk chalk.

***

My heart is in an odd place right now.

I am blessed, by my children, by my husband. I don't talk about him much, but I'm married to pretty much the best man I've ever known. I look at my life, and I know how good it is. So feeling unsettled, as I do, is rather uncomfortable.

In my head, I know I'm being a tad ridiculous. But I can't seem to help how I'm feeling.

I don't like where we live. I don't like the area very much, I don't feel at home. Our house is too small for a family of six, and our neighborhood is filled with shitty kids who like to throw large rocks at each other while yelling obscenities.

It's so very busy here. So fast. My husband sits in traffic for two hours in the morning, and two hours at night. No matter where we live, that's the commute for the DC Metro.

I miss my family. My sister is pregnant with her first, and I want to be there.

I want my kids to have grandparents close by. I want to go on a date on Saturday night with my husband and it not cost me a car payment just for a sitter. I want to go to the lady doctor alone, without small eyeballs watching as I get a pap smear.

I feel like I'm waiting. Waiting to see if we're going to relocate. Waiting to see if we're going to stay here.

I don't like waiting. It makes me feel uncomfortable, and like the world has moved on while I'm stuck behind.

blerb, popsicle recipe, blerb, Liv

2013-04-23T09:58:00.002-04:00

I had a dream last night that I kept losing teeth.

Over the course of the dream, I first lost some back teeth, and then as I went about my day, more and more teeth kept falling out, one at a time, until I was left with only a few in the front. A dentist couldn't see me until four days later, and so I was walking around with no teeth, having panic attacks because I couldn't afford implants.

It was terrible. I woke up in a cold sweat, terrified that all my teeth were loose, and wondering if my husband would still love me if I didn't have any teeth.

***

I made paleo popsicles for Chris and I the other day, that are dairy-free, gluten-free, and REALLY delicious.

Basic recipe.

-1 can full-fat coconut milk (the kind you get in the international section, not the kind from the cooler)
-1 tbsp vanilla extract
-pureed strawberries. about a cup

Here's how I did it. Blended 3 handfuls strawberries with water until smooth. Add the vanilla and coconut milk to the blender, smush it all up. Pour into popsicle molds. Mine made 8 popsicles, with a little puree left over. Which I drank. Because it was like a pina colada.

***

I don't like mean people.

Obnoxious, I can handle. Honest, no problem. Angry, probably justified.

But mean? Just for the sake of being so? It bothers me. We live in a very ugly world, and there's enough without people being mean to others just because they feel slighted. Or envious. Or just sad.

No one thing prompted this- I just keep seeing ugliness spread around for no reason.

***

When we got home from preschool yesterday, I was holding Liv's hands to walk into the house. I make her walk a lot now, while holding her hands.

We got in the front door, and I let go of one of her hands to close the door behind me, thinking that she'd bend her legs and sit down like she normally does.

Yeah. No. She was all 'I got this, ma', and proceeded to take a few steps with me only holding one hand. As if it was normal. As if we were just strolling around, a typical 3 year old and her mom, holding hands for safety and comfort.

I *may* have cried. It was just so amazing.

The child is so close. So very close.

quick maddie

2013-04-22T11:13:00.003-04:00

We have an iPad for Liv, and of course me and everyone else likes to use it.

Maddie discovered Talking Tom. Now I let her play with it all the time just because it's the best thing ever.

Happy Monday. And you're welcome, cause you know you smiled.

state of my ass, April

2013-04-21T15:45:00.001-04:00

Earlier this morning I posted this photo of myself on Instagram and Twitter. I was feeling thin, and a tad vain, and super happy I didn't have to wear a camisole under my t-shirt just to keep the bulge from edging over my pants.

And the response I got? Sort of unbelievable Internet people are so awesome. The 'whoa, I see it!', and 'wow, your hard work is paying off' comments are a huge support, and make me feel like I'm less of a vain asshole and more a normal person just sharing her story.

A couple of people asked for start to now pics, and since it's been a month, it seemed fitting.

So. Here's the self, from January to this week.

The January pic is me at 178lb. The one on the right is me this week, at 162lbs. I was rocking the size 14/16 for the last five years, so being able to zip up a ten is kind of gratifying.

Although, to be completely honest, those 10s only zipped cause they were Old Navy Flirt skinnies, which are about 80% spandex. Non-stretch I'm still rockin the 12's.

(I like how much thinner I look with clothes on.)

***

About a month ago Chris and I went Paleo. For those who don't know what I'm talking about, the basics of the premise of eating can be found here.

It's not a diet for us. It's a way of life, a way of eating that allows for not counting calories or tracking food, and never being hungry. I feel so much better eating Paleo. I don't get bloated, I haven't had a single stomach upset in a month.

A couple of things.

1. I still use raw sugar in my coffee every morning. I need my morning coffee, and I refuse to drink it any way other than the way I like it.

2. Paleo is time intensive at first. You cook, a lot. Since you're not eating fake food from a package, you have to actually take the time to prepare your meals. All of them.

3. I eat a ton of fruit. I don't watch my carbs. We just don't eat any grains or legumes (beans, peanuts, etc) at all, and get all our carbs from fruits and veggies. I don't spend my days gnawing on beef and bacon trying to stave off the sugar cravings. I don't have sugar cravings.

4. The first two weeks I felt like I was detoxing. I'm not even kidding. I kept getting the shakes, I had dizzy spells. I was eating SO MUCH. So many calories, yet I still felt awful. A lot of paleo people call it the Paleo Flu.

We've been doing it for about a month, and I've only lost two pounds.

These pics are one month apart, a two pound difference.

Not a huge difference, but I've lost a couple of inches on my waist and am never, ever bloated anymore. Which is pretty nice.

***

I don't get hungry. I eat as much as I want for meals. If I'm hungry between meals (I never am), then I eat some beef jerky or an apple. I eat real food. Lots and lots and lots of real food. Coconut oil, walnut oil, sesame oil, olive oil, all generously portioned when I cook, as are spices.

Paleo cooking and eating is very simple. We eat a lot of the same things, flavored different ways. Fish, chicken, pork, grass-fed beef once a week.

nomnompaleo.com and paleomg.com are two paleo blogs I've found whose recipes are consistently very good. I also like thepaleomom.com as a resource.

Anyway. So that's where I'm at right now. Feeling pretty good, actually.

Plus the husband surprised me with a BOB Ironman Duallie, so I'm getting to start running again. So Operation Smaller Ass is still on.

I know these kind of posts can annoy some people. But for me, it's a way to look back and remember. I look back and see how awful I looked four months ago, and remember how bad I felt, and I don't want to go back there.

Self-accountability, as it were. So feel free to skip if your ass is already small, or if me trying to be healthy makes you want to punch me in the face. It's okay. I get it. I want to punch myself in the face sometimes too.

anxiety, freewrite

2013-04-19T11:07:00.002-04:00

I'll be fine for awhile.

Life rolls on, kids needing parenting, bills needing paying. Work gets done, house gets cleaned, laundry piles up and I bitch about it because OMG so much laundry.

The husband and I chat, about nothing and everything, and hang out late at night after everyone is in bed so we can be married people for a little while. Not parents, just people.

Life moves along, and I'm a part of it, doing my day to day stuff that's a part of just being.

And then one day, it stops moving along. Everything seems to fade a little. Things lose their normal, the luster dims, clouds move in and everything inside me shrivels. I pull up, like a turtle into its shell, and just wait. I sit, and I wait, and I hope that the unseen thing that makes me feel so scared will go away.

I'm quiet. Irritated. Terrified.

Of nothing, really. And everything. Of nothing becoming everything, and everything fading into nothing. And all the things that make up my day to day becoming absolute nonsense. Or becoming so much more.

It's a stasis of fear, a fear that has absolutely no source.

My life has no meaning.

My life has too much meaning.

Nothing feels like anything.

Everything feels like too much.

***

Anxiety is such an absolute bastard.

searches, apostrophes, and wee

2013-04-18T08:40:00.003-04:00

Someone landed on this blog by searching 'can I lose things in my ass'.

I'm sorry to tell you, person, but if you're googling that it's probably too late.

***

I chalked Cassidy's hair this morning, so now my fingers are bright pink. However, my 9 year old has bright pink streaks in her hair, which makes her all kinds of happy, so my fingers' color is irrelevant.

***

I was in Target last week, and saw this.

Now take a moment, and see if you can determine what's wrong with this photo.

Aside from the fact that the older girl is wearing the same exact pants that I wore in 8th grade, that were modeled after a pattern on my grandmother's drapes, look at the word 'girl's'.

NO. Just no. APOSTROPHE -S- IS SINGULAR POSSESSIVE.

So this would mean that it was referring to a single girl. As in a single girl's shoes. One person.

It SHOULD say GIRLS'. -S- apostrophe. PLURAL POSSESSIVE. As in the girls' section of shoes.

Now. I'm not a grammar psycho. I'm sure there's shit wrong with things I write often, and I don't know all the rules for grammar like did 20 years ago. But this is a sign, in a store, of a MAJOR corporation. How is it even possible that nobody at Target figured this out before they put the sign out? Is there no proofreading process?

***

I know. Bad things have happened this week, and I'm writing about apostrophes, but I cry in private about bad things, and prefer not to write about it on the internet.

I don't handle awful things very well. It's an unfortunate side affect of having a severe anxiety disorder. I don't watch movies with unhappy endings, I don't watch the news. I read the news because I can control the input that way. I don't like songs in minor keys because they make me feel melancholy.

My frivolity today is a deflection of the awful.

***

Maddie calls Livie all day long, as they play, so she can hand her things or tell her things, or just give Liv hugs.

Except Mads says 'WEE WEE', and every single time I hear it I giggle like a 12-year old boy.

Thank God for toddlers. They are the most amazing people on the planet.

paleo stuffed peppers, a recipe

2013-04-16T10:42:00.001-04:00

Apparently when I randomly say I'm shutting down my photography business, and don't give much reason, it causes all kinds of reactions.

You guys. I got so many emails yesterday about it. I don't get many emails about the blog, but this made lots of emails come by way. SO. I'm going to explain myself a little.

I've been taking pictures since I was a kid. I have pictures from my 8th grade field trip to Washington DC, and pictures from sitting around classrooms in high school doing nothing, and pictures from sleepovers that I don't remember. Albums filled with progressively more capable photography, packets of film negatives and boxes of polaroids.

I love photography.

I HATE the business of photography. I have no desire to learn new things that aren't interesting to me, just because it's required of my craft. I don't like the constant barrage of random people who buy cameras and are suddenly photographers. I'm not a fan of dealing with input every time I take a picture. I don't like researching the best photo hosting sites, and creating packages so I'm not losing my ass every time I leave my house for a session.

I like taking pictures. I like taking pictures of my kids. I like taking pictures of pretty things. I like taking pictures of friends and family and random things I see on the street.

No one thing has pushed me into this realization. The graphic/blog/web design has taken off, and is turning into a legitimate side business. I really enjoy that as a business, and it's so very busy, and I'm loving it.

I want to take pictures for fun. I want to edit how I like things. I just want to enjoy playing with my camera again.

So that's why I'm closing down the business. Maybe in a few years, I'll feel differently. But for right now, this is what I want for myself. And I feel really, really good about it.

***

Chris and I are still doing Paleo. I've been cooking up a storm, and have put together a few recipes that are pretty yummy.

One is Paleo Stuffed Peppers. They're gluten-free, too, by default. And can be adjusted to be dairy-free, if needed. Chris likes them so much that I make 20-30 peppers at once, and wrap each in a piece of foil and freeze so he can have lunches for a couple of weeks.

This recipe makes 10 pepper halves.

Ingredients

-5 red or orange bell peppers
-1 lb ground pork or beef (we prefer pork cause it tastes like sausage) or chicken or turkey
-2-3 tbsp oil or butter
-coconut flour
-2-3 eggs, whisked (these aren't necessary, but I like them for consistency)
-spices to taste (I use lots of basil, some salt and pepper, some red pepper flakes, and some nature's seasons)
-3-4 scallions, chopped finely

Slice peppers in half, take out the top, and clean the inside of seeds and ribs. Lay open-side down in a baking tray, and bake at 350 for about 15 minutes. The peppers will get a little soft.

While the peppers are baking, saute the meat until browned. Once it's cooked, drain off the grease, and add the butter/oil to the pan so it melts. Add the scallions and saute until soft, and then add the spices to taste.

Stir in the egg until all the meat is covered, and then add the coconut flour until the meat resembles meat loaf.

Scoop the meat into the peppers, and then cook for another 10-15 minutes until the tops of the meat are browned.

Enjoy!

monday nothing

2013-04-15T09:29:00.003-04:00

Last week I decided I wanted to make my own beef jerky, because the stuff in stores is so expensive, and filled with sodium and sugar. So I found recipes that use the oven, and I spent an afternoon laying strips of beef on the oven racks, and checking on my beef constantly.

It took me seven hours. I mean, that wasn't continuous or anything. But since I had the oven propped open with a wooden spoon, I didn't want to leave it alone at all.

So this morning, I bought a food dehydrator. I'm all about saving some money by making my own beef jerky, but spending an entire day making said jerky? Yeah. No. I don't have time for that shit.

And then I had a moment of 'who am I', because I'm all obsessed with making my own chewy, dried beef.

***

Maddie and Liv both have colds. Again. So both were up all night, again. At 1:30am I finally got out of bed with Mads, and just spent the night on the couch while she alternately played happily, and wept piteously on my chest.

I always find it somewhat amusing when people think that the passing of infancy means they'll get to sleep regularly again. Cause that's so not how it happened in this house.

***

I think I'm closing the photography business.

I have no intention of stopping photography, or not doing it for friends and family. It's just that I read this article recently, that my friend Hailey pinned, and I realized some things about myself.

I don't really enjoy the business aspect of photography. I just want to take pictures. I love taking pictures, but I don't love being pressured to grow as a photographer. I don't love learning new things at anyone's pace but my own. I don't love taking pictures that other people want me to take, rather than what I know looks good.

The expectations of photography as a business frustrate me.

So I'm going to close it down after the spring.

And then I'm going to go back to taking pictures because I like taking pictures. Learning new things that interest me, rather than what's necessary.

I'm really comfortable with this decision. At peace.

***

Maddie just wiped her snotty nose on my shirt. So I suppose I should go parent my sick, unhappy children.

blurb, blerb, rant

2013-04-11T15:32:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow morning I'm going to MD for the day and night to photograph a wedding.

I'm all kinds of excited. Not only do I get to do something I love, all day long, but I get to do it without any of my children. It's like a vacation.

***

I finally crossed the line from sort-of-working-from-home-so-my-house-is-a-tad-unruly to keeping the front door pulled close to my back when the UPS man comes so he doesn't catch a glimpse of my hallway.

I can't even. I just can't. So I finally decided to stop being such an asshole and hire some (very) part time help. Because if this house doesn't start getting scrubbed regularly, I'm just going to desert it and start over fresh.

***

Something that annoys me lately.

Bloggers riding the coattails of other bloggers, rocketing themselves into infamy by nothing more than association. I've had to take so many people out of my feed lately, because I can't figure out who they are. They were people whose writing I liked, but then they all started to sound exactly alike, and all of a sudden it was just a montage of online-boutique-wearing women with the same hair and chevron skirts.

I can't tell them apart anymore.

It's not the clothes, or the hair, or the shopping sprees by people who complain often about how broke they are and ask the internet for money but them spend copious amounts on designer bags. (Another peeve for another day) It's the complete and utter lack of individual voice.

Nobody is original. Not really. Everything out there these days is a version of something else, which makes sense considering the ready access to information we all have. So of course we're all going to sound alike sometimes.

But the copying of writing style so completely to the point where it loses any veracity is just getting so old.

I'm not very interesting. I'm well aware that I blog about the same shit, all the time. That I repeat myself sometimes. That I write in blurbs and random thoughts. Occasionally I'll sound intelligent and profound, and it keeps me grounded in my self-absorption as a blogger, but I don't have any illusions about my space on the internet.

Because how I am on my blog? Is pretty much exactly how I am in real life. If you met me, you'd be all 'eh. her voice is weird' and 'whoa, she really does have a foul mouth', but that's about the only surprise. I blog how I've always blogged. My almost eight years on the internet is documented by several things.

1. random stories about my children, both humorous and painful
2. random stories about my struggle with my weight
3. blurbs. because often that's all I've got
4. random rant-ish posts about things online

I'm cool with it.

I wish everyone would be cool with themselves. It's just so much better that way.