This K-9 Kannon indeed looks like a device over which the dogs slated to retrieve its blasted tennis balls are going to go apeshit. It fires up to 75 feet...consistently, not just those one or two times you really focus and line up with good body position and engage your core on the throw...and features a hands-free pickup design and built-in extra ball storage.

I think I will buy a K-9 Kannon, but instead of using it to launch tennis balls I am going to use it to launch dinner rolls. Have you ever heard of Lambert's, the Home of the Throwed Rolls in Sikeston, MO? Sikeston is a glorious town containing 2 things: a gas station and a restaurant known for the enormous hunks of bread its staff chucks at hungry patrons. You sit in these long, pew-like booths in a 1,000-square foot dining room, and the servers come around with unlimited vats of southern comfort food, such as fried okra and black-eyed peas and macaroni & tomatoes, and then when the yeast has risen and bread baked, a couple of skilled arms emerge from the kitchen yelling, "Rolls!" Takers raise a hand, and the dough she gets to flyin'. If it sounds like a circus of redneck gluttony, that's because it is. Definitely not to be missed on a road trip.

Suggested via Dude Product Tips by Robert M. Hats off once again, Robert.

Ways to maintain popularity and credibility over the course of 20 years in the music industry: 1) Keep making good music; 2) Wear badass LED costumes from the future. Mauricio Santoro pays homage to the Thomas half of the French electronic duo Daft Punk here with his handmade, functional LED helmet, plus a set of glove plates and a black balaclava, the combination of which will make me harder, better, faster, stronger. And also infinitely more attractive, as no one will be able to see my face.

The helmet is fashioned from urethane plastic with chrome accents, and its visor from Lexan covered with tinting film. The headpiece also includes a self-programmable LED message scroller that attaches with Velcro.

Penis pasta, penis pasta, penis pasta! Cornelius just made me say it 3 times fast. I found that it wasn't very difficult, but he found it very funny because everyone in the Apple store looked at me like I'm the type of person not allowed to go within 500 yards of an elementary school.

Some notes about MacAweenie & Cheese penis pasta:

• It may be the only collection of penises whose default setting is "hard", but which women prefer limp. Or at least much softer with maybe a slight al dente finish.
• The Pesto Penises in the above photo series look OK, but the Penises & Marinara look like they have been in a horrific accident and even a mere glance at them makes me queasy and highly uncomfortable.
• The MacAweenie 4-pack offers "discreet shipping". Pshhh!, that's some BS. Why wouldn't I want everyone to know what awesome shape of pasta I ordered from the Internet?
• The twist on Mac & Cheese is terrific for bachelorette parties, gag gifts, and teaching children about the birds and the bees. In the latter case, I recommend using a mini taco in the presentation as well. And if you really want to hit it home: geoduck and an oysters.

Though maybe not quite as cool as the Blacktop 360 Party Hub Grill, The Five Cooking Method Grill still ranks pretty high on my I Would Like One of Those Excel spreadsheet. Plus, unlike the Blacktop, the Method's distinct, interchangeable attachments won't force you to divvy up the grill's surface area between your selections for searing, simmering, and stir frying. Cook a grip of steaks on the stainless steel grate, switch to the flat griddle to fry up a crate of eggs and hash browns to serve alongside them, and then move on to the ribbed griddle to sizzle a dozen or so sliders for dessert. Also included in the set are a pot rack and a shallow wok for slow cooking BBQ baked beans and fast cooking Dongpo pork respectively.

The gas grill's burner outputs 14,000 BTUs, and its griddle, flattop, and wok are coated in enamel to prevent sticking and, in turn, fits of rage. Cooking surfaces accommodate up to 4 steaks or 6 burgers.

Which is better: Stargate or Major League? You think about that for the next hundred or so words while I discuss Nite Ize's reflective rope. Outdoorsy types and people who give two thumbs up to bondage will find the reflective strip woven into this 50' length of rope handy for securing tents to earth or tarps to trees or arms to torsos in a way that makes it easy to spot again if you leave and come back. Reflective rope also helps increase safety for nighttime hikers and campers, and lends itself well to bear bag fastening and sail hoisting. But if you use reflective rope on a boat you can't call it reflective rope, you have to call it reflective line or boat folk will get all pissy with you, almost as much as they will if you respond to nature's call while on board, and accidentally pump a fat wad of toilet paper through the head.

Yes, I love the pre-meth-infested days of Charlie Sheen too, but I gotta give this one to the glowing eyes of Ra and Stargate.

When you wake up in the morning 'cause the alarm gives out a warning, do you think you'll never make it on time? And does this make you sad because you'd rather stay in bed? Like, sadder than Kelly was that time she thought she couldn't attend prom because she couldn't afford it, but then Zack made a private prom for the two of them outside of the Bayside gymnasium? Well what about if you had an alarm clock that, in addition to blaring unhappy noises in your ear, also projected the Bat-Signal onto your ceiling, as if to communicate that today isn't just one for getting up and jumping into the corporate hamster wheel, but one for getting up and using your extensive collection of gadgets and weaponry to defend the world against evil? In that case would you not consider yourself saved by the bell rather than cursed by it?

I know, the mixed metaphors are unnerving. But I'm just trying to coax you a few feet outside of your passive Web browsing comfort zone. Plus I think a Dark Knight Meets Saved By the Bell miniseries could really revolutionize the state of contemporary network programming.

The Batman Signal Projection Alarm Clock can blare either the time or the iconic Bat-Signal onto a ceiling or wall. It also has standard desktop timepiece features of an LCD display, snooze button, and volume and light intensity controls. An auxiliary jack accommodates iPod or MP3 player output.

Under the right circumstances, I think it's OK to mount things. I'm not going to delve into a lot of specifics on that topic, but I will say that one item that falls into the OK to Mount category is an iPad. In the car, in the kitchen, on the couch, or on the golf course, it's nice to be able to make my tablet stay put without holding it, and in such a way that its screen is still easy to see and use. XFLEX is a stand that enables the mounting of any tablet in just about any space or environment.

Rather than buying a host of different stands and installing them in all the places tablets are used, XFLEX allows users to buy a single, highly versatile stand to hold the hardware stably and in any number of positions and locations. Its splat!-looking base both stands upright on its own, and also responds favorably to being wedged between couch cushions and gaps in car consoles. XFLEX attaches to the backs of devices, including iPad, Galaxy, Kindle, Surface, and iPhone, via a power-locking suction cup, and its flexible arm extension magnetically connects to the base's side or back to adapt for different applications.

One time a couple of minutes ago I saw a patio that turned into a swimming pool! That's crazy! Almost Fletcher Capstan expandable table proportions of crazy, and definitely more in compliance with my agenda of spending the next 3 months lounging under the sun, taking the occasional dip to cool off, tossing a few sides of beef on the grill, and figuring out ways to lure ladies into my lair that don't center around my physical appearance or personality, both of which have proven to be ineffective to this point.

Hidden Water Pools has developed a series of custom-designed patios that function as normal concrete yard installations under the weight of furniture and BBQs and P. Diddy White Parties, but, at the turn of a key, descend into the earth and fill with a rush of crystalline water able to accommodate everything from wading to treadmill-style lap swimming to your very best cannonballs. Available in several round diameters--up to 18'--and two rectangular models, Hidden Water Pool depths are fully adjustable from 1" to almost 6', and install just like a traditional in-ground pool. Prices (unlisted, email with inquiries) are slightly higher than those for regular old in-ground pools to accommodate the patio pools' advanced technology, and the fact that owners will probably be able to recoup some of their investment by charging guests admission to watch the mind-blowing transformations.

In addition to multiple sizes and variable depth settings, Hidden Water Pools also have the following add-on options:

• Swim Jets. The treadmill effect, which allows users to swim endlessly in place at adjustable speeds and resistance levels.
• Spa. Add therapy jets for the full hot tub experience. And since the Hidden Water Pool's patio position serves as a sort of thermal blanket, it will maintain the water's temperature at a fraction of traditional spa costs.
• Table. Whether in patio or pool mode, the adjustable height table supports eating, drinking, and, uh, other summertime shenanigans requiring an elevated flat surface.
• Ambiance Features. Customized lighting enhance the patio-pool experience, as does the addition of a fountain.

Hidden Water Pools maintains their installations add a layer of safety to in-ground pool ownership, as well as suck up less water from the environment, and stay sanitary and pristine using fewer chemicals. That's nice too I guess.

Suggested via Dude Product Tips by Russ L. Thanks, Russ. I don't suppose you have a sample you could send me as well, do you?

Dungeons & Dragons Clue, that seems appropriate. No joke, it really does. An obvious marriage, really, not one of these Montague-Capulet mergers that rains death and mayhem upon both families. Though I guess the very natures of both Clue and Dungeons & Dragons revolve around death and mayhem, so...kind of a misguided analogy. My point is, the combination of a strategic problem-solving board game and a strategic fantasy role-playing game makes sense. Unlike Twister Clue, wherein players bend and contort into various compromising positions on a series of colored dots and, once in place, one player receives a concussion or a ruptured disk, and the others proceed to determine on what color dot the injury occurred, and whether it was instigated by a stray hand, foot, elbow, or personal lack of balance and/or flexibility.

Dungeons & Dragons Clue overhauls the traditional board's setting and playing pieces, replacing the storyline we all know with one of a doppelganger--a monster amongst the heroic metal figurines of Regdar the Human Fighter, Tordek the Dwarf Fighter, Lidda the Halfling Rogue, Mialee the Elf Wizard, Ember the Human Monk, and Nebin the Gnome Wizard that can look like anyone. In the black of night, this monster slays Archmage, triggering a spell seals the castle until he is caught. Participants must expose the doppelganger, as well as determine in which part of the castle the crime occurred, and which magical weapon was used to carry it out. Weapons include a Vorpal Sword, Dagger of Venom, Ring of Magic Missiles, Flaming Battle Axe, Staff of Power, and Mace of Disruption.

Father's Day is June 16th. I don't know about you, but I sure can't think of a better gift for a new dad than an apparatus that will allow him to suck the snot out of his kid's nose with his own mouth. And who says you have to limit usage of Nosefrida the Snotsucker to children? I wouldn't mind having someone else clear my nasal passageways as I stand idly by. Hey Cornelius! Can you come here for a minute?

Nosefrida the Snotsucker nasal aspirator--if only I could make this shit up! I'd be the next Zach Galifianakis!--was developed by Swedish doctors for assuaging the stuffy noses of children who are too young (or too spastic) to use a Kleenex. One end of the tube rests against the offending nostril, while the other snuggles inside Mommy's or Daddy's* mouth in preparation for the ultimate suckfest.

Nosefrida promises its filters block bacterial transfer, and hopefully this also means the inhaling party won't be left with a mucus-coated tongue at the end of the procedure, but I'd give anyone thinking of using the nasal aspirator the following warning: if you're prepared to suck snot, you best also be prepared for the possibility of ending up snot's sucker.

*I'm presuming it will be Mommy or Daddy as I cannot imagine anyone else on earth would be amenable to performing this task on a kid who is not a direct result of his or her loins in action.

The LEGO Swiss Army Knife! It's not for sale yet, but if you like it, vote the Technic-Bionicle creation into official company review over at LEGO CUUSOO (the strangest and most cumbersome name for a Website I think I've ever heard, by the by. Yeah, yeah, I know it's Japanese or whatever, but it's got too many vowels and TOO MANY CAPS.)

Brick master Robiwan Kenobi built the LEGO knife with 4-utensil functionality; the blade, file, and screwdrivers all unfold and...well, I guess that's about it.

Muchas danke to Geekologie.

In discussing the Back to the Future DeLorean external hard drive with my friend Bartholomew, he raised a couple of fair questions: 1) 750 GB for $385?! What, is that an October 26, 1985 storage capacity and technology price point? 2) If we wait for a couple years after this time machine's release, will the BTTFII DeLorean come out with 2015-era terabytes for $39.95?

Under other circumstances I would have retorted that fashioning a data storage device in this nontraditional way might hide its true nature, and therefore provide a further layer of protection to the sensitive information it holds, but...I concede that it's about 1,000 times more likely that someone would want to steal my 1:18 scale model Michael J DeLorean with moving hood and gull wing doors than they would my passwords, financial records, and music & porn collections anyway. So I guess the costs just cover...what? Shut up, Bartholomew! Everyone does not already know that I'm poor, have bad taste, and pass protect everything with "Mama"! Wha...are you kidding me?! Air Supply is fantastic! ... I just saw Hall & Oates, and FYI they still have the voices of angels! ... What? ... No. No, that, that's not mine. That's...someone else must have put that video of the tribal women and the iguanas on there....

Own an iconic piece of American cinematic history with a high-speed, USB 2.0 connectivity twist in either Red Wheel ($385) or Train Wheel (comes on track; $340). Still wavering? Well check it in the photo: this DeLorean is Lorraine Baines McFly approved. Wonder if it made the Back to the Future encyclopedia.

Yikes, $185 for the TARDIS fridge skin kit. But it's customized to fit your specific cooler's make and model, so at least you know it will look as sick in your own kitchen as it does in the one in the photo. And if any purchase is guaranteed to withstand the test of time, wouldn't it be one of a TARDIS? I bet these adhesive attachments will still be flying mighty in the year 4789! They may even be in the year 4789 next month!

Police Box skins arrive in sections easy to apply to refrigerator doors, and slightly less easy to apply around handles. The Doctor recommends using an authorized Sonic Screwdriver for assistance--or at least momentarily setting down your Sonic Screwdriver remote control--at these hairy areas. TARDIS top sections are exclusive structures that include the sign, peak roof, and a working beacon. Optional kit add-ons include side skins, a "little phone door" that fits over ice makers and opens/closes, and a programmable audio module that sits inside the fridge and plays beloved Police Box sounds when the doors un-suction.

TARDIS skins integrate best with French door refrigerators, which most precisely emulate a Police Box in appearance and function.

Fireflies seem to be a popular metaphor for commodities of the free market lately. There's the Firefly Blue Laser Lamp, Firefly flying helicopter toys, Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka...mmmm...and our most current personification (insectification?) of the glowing bug, the Firefly Pick. An LED-driven guitar strummer, the Firefly functions as would any other six-string pick, except that during play its tuned algorithms jibe with the music to display a synchronized light show along with the tune. Fireflies accommodate both fast and slow action, plus sudden changes in tempo.

Firefly Pick LEDs function via a high-speed sensor system powered by an ultra-thin, USB-rechargeable lithium-ion battery. They detect all kinds of jamming styles, as well as perform with equal bravado whether they're strumming an electric or acoustic guitar, bass, or ukelele. Well what about a saxophone, Firefly? Excuse me? Au contraire, little glowing piece of plastic composites. Saxophones sound exponentially better when played with a pick.

Firefly Picks run as a Kickstarter campaign through June 13, 2013. Early birds get the bioluminescent bugs for $39, $20 off their eventual selling price.

****DUDE GIVEAWAY!**** Kinekt Design is awarding one of their Gear Rings--a $165 value--to a lucky Dude reader! Gear up, scroll down, and enter in less than 2 minutes at the bottom of the page. At the end of the entry period, 1 winner will be drawn at random.

Kinekt's Gear Ring reminds me of that ditty "The Wheels on the Bus" except, unlike the song, the ring has a fully integrated design of micro-precision, stainless steel gears instead of rubber tires that go round and round, and, also unlike the song, it doesn't make me want to ram a pair of lightsaber chopsticks through my eardrums.

Northern New Jersey's Kinekt Design reigns as the first company to marry moving gears and jewelry; as such they have secured numerous design and utility patents for their Gear Ring, which admittedly looks pretty cool in action and would probably suit very well the fingers of all the world's steampunk fanatics and sufferers of OCD. Five spins before walking through a doorway, 8 spins before unlatching a seatbelt, 100 spins each time a lady bends over and I can see her bra, 150 if it's lace....

The 316L matte stainless steel ring functions via a pair of outer rims that spin to move in unison the industrial implements contained within. Gear Rings come with a lifetime warranty for manufacturer's defects and are available in 16 standard sizes from US 5 to 20.

Pending successful Kickstarter funding and production, tim-E--pronounced "Timmy" or, if you're Trey Parker and Matt Stone, "Timmehhh!"--might prove to be the most charming and useful ass-shakin' robot in the land. Designed as an alarm clock that also charges inserted iPhones and iPods, tim-E doesn't just perform the perfunctory morning wakeup call, he greets his pals at rise-and-shine time--or any time he's programmed to--with a spectacular display of the groove that's in his heart, plus one of the following:

• Spoken or Song Alarm. Choose one-liner's from tim-E's dazzling repertoire, or a song from your mp3 collection, and set the robot to do his slumber disrupting duties on settings loud, soft, or progressive alarm.
• Brain Teasers. Oh I bet these are irritating. tim-E doesn't pipe down until you solve a puzzle or complete a task. Check out the video demo of our robot friend making the recently woken tap a fly moving around his screen to disengage alarm mode. I see tim-E getting punched in the face a few times on this setting.
• Weather. The tim-E app can report the day's forecasted weather each morning so you know right away how to dress and whether or not to be cranky about something.
• Traffic. He can also broadcast traffic reports and alerts so you know right away when you need to leave the house and whether or not to be cranky about something.
• Voice Reminders. Record your own reminders for the day and tim-E will roll through the announcements as you climb out of bed so you know right away what lies ahead...and whether or not to be cranky about something.

If tim-E's precious mug doesn't do anything for you, the system also gives the option of uploading your own photo, or one of Jessica Alba, to sing and chide and repeat the dirty things you say back to you just like tim-E does.

tim-E would be a fun gift for kids and also for adults who don't have a stick up their trunk.

Make your pledges to back the tim-E alarm clock and charger robot through June 13, 2013.

Application of Sam's Natural Down There Repair fixes two major male discomforts and social embarrassments: chafed crotch and smelly crotch. It can also be used preventatively, thwarting these afflictions from striking down and ruining plans to attend $2 Taco & Tecate Tuesday due to horrific south-of-the-belt odors and an inability to face a barstool after a long day on the horse, tractor, or ergonomic desk chair.

The Down There Repair concoction of coconut, andiroba and macadamia nut oils soothes and deodorizes skin, cooling irritated areas, and freshening those that have fallen prey to humidity and inadequate ventilation. Additional ingredients include carrot seed and tea tree oils for healing, and grapeseed oil for easy, friction-free application (note to self: grapeseed oil is apparently a good, all-natural lube. Use this information to impress girls who are into organic shit.) Sam's Natural points out that Down There Repair is ideal for "those unable to wear shorts during hot and humid months." Ummm...yeah. Not to be a dick, but if your junk stench is so horrific that you cannot even wear shorts in the summertime, I'd maybe consider a radical change in diet or, like, gland surgery, not just a jar of pomade to rectify the issue.

Sick of hearing about the Zombie Apocalypse? Me too. I'm also sick of hearing about how pretty soon my mama's going to kick me out of her house and stop paying for my cell phone bill and all of my chips and cereal, thus forcing me to wash my own dishes and get a job that pays money. But just because we keep hearing about something to the point that we're sick of hearing about it doesn't render it insignificant or any less likely to happen. These threats and forebodings tend to strike right as we become desensitized and complacent. So if you still haven't prepared yourself for undead mayhem, you might want to check out Zombie Defense Solutions' 3-Day Survival Kit. Also, if you already have a 3-Day Survival Kit that you bought years and years ago when the first rumblings of a war between man and flesh-eating supernaturals hit the airwaves, it's time to re-up, as its contents are guaranteed to have a usable storage life of only 5 years.

While Zombie Defense Solutions cannot account for what will happen to you on Day 4, they do promise that during Days 1 through 3 their all-inclusive kits will equip you to survive the harshest of apocalyptic conditions. Each includes 72 hours' worth of the following, enough to sustain 1 person:

• Water. Purified drinking water in 6, triple-layered retort pouches that each hold 4.227 fl. oz.
• Food. A 3,600-calorie energy bar scored into 9, 400-calorie portions. Packaged to ensure balanced nutritional values.
• Lighting. 1 box of waterproof matches and 3, 6" lightsticks with lanyard hole and hook. Instant light at your fingertips, and each stick burns for 12 hours.
• Warmth. The Kit's Mylar emergency blanket is waterproof, reflective, and retains up to 90% of body heat for both warming and cooling the human it shrouds. Folds compactly, but measures 84" x 52" when unraveled.
• First Aid. A basic first aid kit contains: 7 bandages; 2 gauze pads; 2 alcohol prep pads; 2 wet naps; and 1 tube of triple antibiotic ointment.
• Tools. 1 emergency hammer that can shatter glass and has a built-in seatbelt cutter. 1 survival bracelet with built-in whistle and 10 feet of nylon cord.

Obviously the 3-Day Survival Kit would also be a practical and aesthetically nifty addition to camping gear, car trunks, in-home emergency provisions, and dates with girls who give blatant hints of severe mental instability when you meet them, but are too bonerifically hot, and have too large of a cup size, not to ask out anyway.

People from Maine sure know how to make cooking fun. These earthenware Snot-a-Mug egg separators are made by northeast coast artisans to disassociate whites from yolks such that they whimsically mimic a gruesome bodily function. Snot rocket scramble, anyone?

I wonder what they'll come up with for melting chocolate.

Snot-a-Mugs operate simply: just break an egg into the top opening, and tilt the container forward until the gooey whites start oozing out of the expertly crafted schnoz's nostrils. Bon appetit!

Dude, I am such a sucker for things that regale and mesmerize without requiring me to determine which geometric proofs or laws of physics or wonders of nature make them work. That's why I fare so much better with optical illusions than I do with school and women. Whether you wear this ring like a pimp, or just keep it in your pocket ready to whip out at hot-chick-in-the-Planned-Parenthood-waiting-room game time, its braided gold design will captivate all who see it rotate in one direction to seemingly grow larger, and then in the reverse direction to shrink back down. Note: the actual size of the ring never changes. Heady stuff, man. Heady, heady stuff.

"A self-contained, low maintenance REEF that will light up any desk with brightly colored coral." So goes the blurb on PJ Reefs' desktop-sized saltwater aquarium. I have to say, mine eyes are digging the brightly colored coral, all lit up like a Christmas tree or Cornelius' pant leg when he falls asleep and I tie a firecracker to his ankle to wake him up. And those words "self-contained" and "low maintenance" are pretty alluring. But...I don't exactly have the best track record with keeping living things under my guardianship alive. And while I'm stoked that one by-product of this quirky personality trait is never being asked to babysit or interact with children, sometimes I think it would be really nice to have something on my desk to keep me company other than Meghan, my Ex Knifeholder. And as long as I don't have to feed it, water it, clean it, or watch it do piss-poor somersaults and draw pictures of rabbits that look nowhere close to anything resembling rabbits every day, maybe a miniature saltwater aquarium will survive under my tutelage after all.

PJ Reef ecosystems thrive in 6" high x 3" diameter glass cylinders integrated with hovering plastic lamps to balance their growth and make them look pretty for their owners. The aquariums' compact nature circumvents the expensive, complex equipment larger tanks require, as well as eliminates much of the additional costs and maintenance requirements associated with flourishing saltwater ecosystems.

The miniature aquariums seek Kickstarter backing through May 26, 2013, with a few different funding levels available for different types of ecosystem kits.

At Rutgers University in New Jersey they have these food trucks--the Grease Trucks--that have been around since way before food trucks became the hipster way of the world and particularly the Pacific Northwest and particularly Portland, OR. The real, OG Grease Trucks' specialty is hamburgers topped with massive amounts of random shit, such as fried eggs, french fries, mozzarella sticks, chicken fingers, pulled pork...you get the idea. Even though the one time I had one I violently vomited it up a few hours later, along with 3 amaretto sours and a bottle of white zinfandel (hey, when you're underage, you take what you can get), I still maintain fond memories of the burger, the experience, and the entire state of New Jersey.

Anyway, while nothing will ever be able to replicate or compare to the Grease Trucks' delectable monstrosities, this Stuff-a-Burger press might prove to be analogously grand, plus will avoid the cheap copy comparison, as it allows grillmasters to take all of the same random shit piled on top of Truck burgers and shove it inside the meat. A simple, two-piece apparatus, the Stuff-a-Burger press can make gigantic 3/4-pound or still-pretty-big 1/2-pound hamburgers filled with anything from caramelized onions and bleu cheese to bacon and cheddar to peanut butter and your mom. Zing!

I don't think that's how you spell "wiener" or "cleaner", but I'm willing to overlook the mistake on account of the fact that my penis has been bugging me for its own soap ever since it got the wrong end of a bar I used to wash up my arms and neck after a bottle of Sriracha exploded on me. So Weener Kleener it is.

Shaped like a donut for both easy and pleasurable use, the Weener Kleener ring identifies itself as One Size Fits Most. Uh, could we get a slightly more precise unit of measurement, please? Is the diameter 1", is it 4"? Because the last thing I want to do is spend $6 on a means of sanitizing and exciting my manhood, only to discover upon its arrival that I also have to spend 20 minutes whittling its interior ring to accommodate my formidable girth.

One thing I've always wanted to do while fending off UV rays is record myself fending off UV rays. Granted, this usually entails lying on my ass in the company of a sand-free beach mat, a 6-pack...fine, a case...of Bud Light Lime, and a Girlfriend Pillow, but occasionally, like when Ludacris or that song about having soul despite not being a soldier comes on, I get up and bust it. And in those cases it might be nice to have a video of what my wicked dance moves look like from my perspective so I can relive them when the day comes that I'm not spry enough to do windmills and Buddha spins anymore.

This is the beauty of SpyTec's Inventio-HD sunglasses. Designed to capture the tricks and treks of skateboarders, bikers, hikers, and people venturing outside to get the mail, the sunglasses film in full HD 720p clarity, and utilize advanced video stabilization technology and a high ISO so no one will puke when they reluctantly agree to watch your "totally sick video, dude, come on, you gotta see it!" later.

The sunglasses include 8 GB of internal memory whose footage may be viewed on PCs, Macs, or a monitor with the included cables.

My mama says this sloth ring reminds her of me, and although I'm not exactly sure what that means, based on my extensive knowledge of the movie Seven, which I discussed at great length over beers with an abnormally high ABV percentage while some turkey nearby used what was apparently the bar's house charger to juice up his smartphone* last night, I'm pretty sure it's either that I am lazy or that Kevin Spacey is going to kill me.

Teresa MacDonald hand sculpts, paints, and seals her polymer clay sloth creations before mounting them on adjustable silver or antique bronze rings, available in sizes 6 to 10. You know, for a sloth this little guy is pretty undeniably cute. Oh. Now the comparison makes sense. Aw, thanks, Mom.

*Yeah, it wasn't even like he was sitting there with the phone plugged in right beside him--the phone was next to me on the arm of a couch and he was seated at a table a full 10 yards away. Well you know what, dude? I saw all of your incoming texts from Jill Hot Food Truck Girl and I forwarded every one of them to your wife.

A Death Star that blows up your mouth, not your planet. ZOMGnomnomnom's gummy Star Wars candies come in standard bear flavors and colors, but trade in the ursine molds for those of superlaser-shooting globes, Darth Vaders, R2D2s, Han Solos in Carbonite, Millennium Falcons, and Stormtroopers. All sugar rush shapes are available in both gummy and chocolate forms, the latter also boasting gooey peanut butter or crunchy cookie centers. Check out the behemoth R2D2, a bad boy weighing in at around 1-1/2 pounds. Suck on that, Dark Chocolate Sriracha Bunny!

Sometimes people do stupid shit, such as get extremely drunk and ornery on the 4th of July and refuse to respond to reason and jump off the deck of a Carver 54 motor yacht...twice...without taking their brand new iPhones out of their pocket. While these people typically need more types of help than Stash shorts can provide, the generously-sized waterproof pouch sewn into the garment's right leg is a decent place to start.

Stash Incorporated has designed prototypes for a pair of shorts with a 100% waterproof interior pocket, designated as such by its thick plastic casing and lockdown fitment. The opening diameter will be 3-1/4"--large enough to fit most phones--and the pouch ample for holding cash and keys in addition to small electronics. To accommodate comfort, Stash pockets will also have a soft layer of fabric encasing them to preclude chafing and the strange sensation of a sack that is not part of your own anatomy slapping against your leg.

Initially, Stash shorts and pocket caps will be available in khaki and olive colors, and fabricated for battling the elements during activities such as hiking, canyoneering, and swimming. However, their creators have plans to incorporate the concept into myriad types and styles of outdoor wear. Those backing Stash on Kickstarter will receive a pair of shorts that features:

• The Stash waterproof pocket
• A 60/40 polyester/cotton blend of fabric
• Double and triple stitch construction
• An 11" to 12" inseam
• Antimicrobial and quick-drying properties
• 5 belt loops

Get your pledge in during the shorts' crowdfunding campaign, which runs through June 5, 2013.

Muchas danke to Gadget Review.

Designer Samantha Ulrich calls this her Googly Eyed Monster Mug, I guess due to Sesame Street's having a corner on the market of using the words "Cookie" and "Monster" consecutively. Which, on the one hand, is kind of BS seeing as they are both common, frequently used words that should have no usage restrictions attached to them...but on the other is kind of understandable because the icon that is the Cookie Monster--and even the idea of a monster existing solely to wreak havoc upon and devour all the world's cookies--is some damn good material, and if I were the Mensa mind who came up with it, I'd C-with-a-circle that shit too.

Ulrich uses ceramic for her monster mug-cookie compartment combos. Each holds 12 ounces of liquid and, from the looks of it, 2 Chips Ahoy!, which is about 1/10th the number I personally would eat were I to open a bag. Cornelius once pointed out--and this may be one of about five astute observations he's ever made--that cookie package nutrition information always lists the serving size as 2 or 3, when really they should list it by a number more realistic to what people will actually be eating in a sitting. We recommend listing by the sleeve.

Due to its being dramatic and showstopping and incredibly F'ing rad, Hilden & Diaz's Forms in Nature forest projection light sculpture has earned viral popularity this week. To the point that the artists are planning a Kickstarter project for it, as well as currently entertaining bids from interested parties for individual fixture production. I suggest starting your bids at $1 million if you hope to beat my offer of $5.75, plus lessons on how to get: A) elegantly wasted; and B) more chicks. What? Shut up, Cornelius, everyone doesn't know already. You don't...OK yeah, Fireball and a red dragon smoking jacket for part A, but no one, no one knows my secrets about how to get the girls to come real quick, that's why they're...wait, do they involve what? Well they...well...fine! You know they consist of something funky and something cold, but that's all you know!

Using a porous white mass of jagged branches, the sculpture partially illuminates a room, and partially hurls oversized shadows onto its surrounding ceiling and walls such that one feels immersed in a scene from Sleepy Hollow or Jumanji. Hopefully sans the presence of a sociopath without a head and that spastic orangutan Robin Williams.

When it comes to pants positioning, waistline aesthetics, and--most importantly--gut comfort, 1/4" can make a huge difference. Traklines banish the meager five, 1"-spaced holes of traditional belts from their full-grain leather strips, and replace them with a secure Trak system boasting 40 sizing positions at 1/4" increments. The result: a perfect fit at my precise waist size, whether it's Liquid Diet Monday or Chicken & Waffles Saturday.

The Trakline belt system's series of grooved notches also make sure that once the buckle latches on (via a small tab at its underside), it both stays put over the course of the day, and fares better over the years, as there are no holes to stretch out, wear, or deform.

Trakline belts will accept Kickstarter pledges through June 9, 2013. Brown and black leather belts in 4 different buckle styles are currently available. Buckles are all silver because gold is for necks and teeth, not bellybuttons, yo.

No one complain that SeaDuction's amphibious cabanas are available only at tropical resorts, and not for public purchase, because I know that even if they were up for general grabs, all I would hear is more complaints: "Cool...but not $15,000 cool," and "$15,000 for a raft and some coolers?!" and "I'll stick with my $4.99 floaties from Target, thank you very much." And anyway, I'm sure if you contacted SeaDuction and offered them $15,000 for one of their Seduction Floats (or $30,000; I really have no idea how much this sort of land/water Mecca of relaxation, refreshing libations, and skin cancer costs) they'd probably be like, "Weeell, they're not really intended for...oh, you'll pay cash? Weeell...yeah, OK!"

The 6' x 7' couples' cabanas include multiple anchoring points to maintain water positioning in full sun, full shade, towards the beach, or off yonder into the great blue ocean. The recyclable, US-made materials used in their fabrication also supposedly reduce the surrounding radiant heat index by 15% to prevent overheating or, in my case, sweating like a busted fire hydrant and sliding right off the cushion into the mouth of Jaws during nap time.

I thought it would do something cutesy like stay frozen on 4:20, but nay. The Grindrite keeps real time too! Though usually after a few tokes of the good stuff my friend Victor procures I'm not really able to comprehend the meaning of time except, like, as a linear construct of man that actually functions more circularly...plus I'm not especially skilled at reading analog clock faces even when I'm not stoned...so the temporal readout features of Vaporite's wrist piece won't matter to me as much as its secret grinder and stash compartments anyway. Still. Quartz functionality. It's a nice touch.

The Grindrite weed watch guarantees a discreet and odor-free experience of strapping your buds to your arm. It comes in 11 color combinations, including...GLOW-IN-THE-DARK, bitches! Giddy up!

Muchas danke to Geekologie

It's like sitting on air. Literally...yet...somehow minus the perceived comfort of actually sitting on air. Because although BioLogic's PostPump 2.0 has converted a high-capacity bicycle tire pump into a bicycle seat post, the end result still looks like it's going to balance the large surface area of my ass on the small surface area of a saddle such that, after approximately 2 minutes, I will develop the sensation of a blunt rod digging into my crotch rather than the sweet nothingness of air.

But if I get a flat, I'm golden.

The PostPump has been ergonomically designed to use its attached saddle as a handle so users can stand comfortably during pumping. Inflation time runs about 40 strokes to reach 50 psi in a 20" � 1-1/2" tire. The pump has a precision-machined aluminum adapter that fits both Presta and Schrader valves, and was built for Tern bicycles with an inner seat tube diameter of 33.9 mm.

Muchas danke to Bless This Stuff.

One thing I really do not like is cats. Which makes them the perfect subject for a pincushion. Their Star Wars spin trips me up a little--it's going to be way less gratifying to stab a Han Solo cat in the gut than it would be just to stab a cat in the gut--but at least this way it will be slightly more justifiable for me to have a collection of felt feline sewing accessories displayed on my bookshelf the next time Cornelius comes over to play DrunkQuest.

Kathleen of Fat Cat Crafts handmakes all of her functional pincushions for sewers, Star Wars fans, and sadistic cat haters alike. OK, probably not so much for the last group, but hey, once you offer a product to the general population you can't really pick and choose which members of the general population are gonna buy it. I've recently come to that unsavory realization in contemplating why so many people are purchasing the weird latex horse head mask we ran a while back.

Pincushions stand about 5-1/2" tall and come in Star Wars characters Han Solo, Darth Vader, Princess Leia, and Obi Wan Kenobi.

We can't all be lucky enough to find a girl who can do backbends and pretzel her legs behind her head, but thanks to Fire Wire's flexible grilling skewers, we can all enjoy and indulge in this display of talent from our kabobs. The cable-style stainless steel cords both string up more than twice the quantity of meats and veggies as standard skewers, and contort in all directions across BBQ surfaces to maximize the use of space. Drape the ends of the flex skewers over grill edges and they'll stay cool during cooking for easy flipping and removal.

Flexible grilling skewers also ease the task of marinating, allowing for threading pre-liquid-immersion and coiling compactly in a plastic bag or bowl, and eliminating the need to handle grill candidates twice.

Fire Wire skewers won't rust and are dishwasher safe.

While a keyhole connotes something very small into which one inserts something else very small...and then, uh, forcefully twists it 360 degrees clockwise or counterclockwise...I assure you that MyPakage underwear's KeyHole Comfort attribute has only the most pleasurable and soothing of applications for your (surely not very small, probably 98th percentile, in fact) anatomical "key". A notable upgrade from standard underwear, MyPakage's KeyHole is a 3-dimensional internal pouch that cradles the family jewels and eliminates the need for shifting, adjusting, and excusing yourself from A/C-less board meetings and 90-degree summer BBQs to extract the penis congealed to the side of your leg.

MyPakage boxer briefs have the additional lures of:

• A moisture-absorbing fabric combo of Modal (95%) and Spandex (5%) that is 50% more effective than cotton without sacrificing breathability. It also resists pilling from friction, and prevents wrinkles and shrinkage (of the fabric. Just the fabric. Sorry, dudes.)
• A pucker panel. The first thing this feature makes me wonder is why the MyPakage folks didn't call their KeyHole a Pecker Panel, but I guess given the lengths they have gone to create a truly superior pair of underwear, that type of designation might not do much for their credibility. Anyway, the pucker panel is a strip of fabric that enables the removal of all critical seams from prime comfort areas. That is, no PKG wearers will ever find themselves sitting on or rubbing against seams and stitching. The seamlessness also extends to the tag at the waistline
• Hand-stitched zones with expanding seams. These areas receive extra attention to deliver a tailored, ergonomic fit for all body types.
• Two styles--weekday and weekend--and about 2 dozen color choices.

As it turns out, you can give Silly Putty an official-sounding name and use it for more than just making impressions of the lines in your palm and copying print from newspapers. The malleable amoeba that is Cyber Clean presses and oozes into the crevices of computer and phone keyboards, hard drive fans and mesh backings, video game consoles, speakers, anywhere that tends to accumulate dust and debris and crumbs from the Barbara's Peanut Butter Puffins that you would probably suck out with your own mouth on account of the fact that they are so F'ing delicious, but don't because the lint and dead skin cells and boogers that you'd probably inhale with them are way less F'ing delicious.

Cyber Clean both removes unwanted particulates, and disinfects the areas it covers. It is made of natural, biodegradable materials. So not Styrofoam and not Mickey Rourke's face.

Capital Eyewear has trolled Northern California and recovered enough 1,000-year-old Redwood to craft 25 pairs of history-rich sunglasses. The wood originally served as a railroad bridge built in the 1800s. The bridge was torn down in the 1950s, with most of the remnant wood recently reclaimed for use in building a beach house. Construction leftovers serve as the basis for these wayfarers, each pair of which was handmade and numbered in San Francisco, and fitted with Carl Zeiss vision lenses coated in 100% UV protection.

Muchas danke to The Awesomer.

Just to calm your immediate concerns, yes, the forthcoming Elio will be available in colors other than Ghostbusters Slimer. An American-made, China-priced 3-wheeler, Elio heralds itself as a next-generation personal transporter. Able to maintain 84 miles per gallon on the highway (48 mpg in the city), a single fill of the car's 8-gallon gas tank can tool its driver-passenger combo all the way from Detroit to New York City, or Shreveport to Dallas...twice. I hope it can go other places too, because aside from NYC I'm not really interested in visiting those cities. Especially Detroit, even though that's Elio's hometown. My friend Constantine is from Detroit and one time we were at a bar in the exponentially-safer-than-Detroit city of Seattle when there was sudden gunfire outside, so we all had to drop and hide under the tables, and Constantine made sure to take his beer with him on the way, as he was very familiar with this sort of situation and figured we could be down there for a while. The only thing I thought to do was piss my pants.

Right, so Elio can manage long distances on a little bit of gas, and also probably get you there without killing you too, as each motor trike will be fitted with a Safety Management System composed of 3 airbags, a reinforced roll-cage frame, anti-lock brakes, and a crush zone 50% larger than similar vehicles.

Elio is currently accepting reservations for purchase. Production is anticipated to begin in Shreveport, LA in the spring of 2014.

Additional Elio specs for people who understand automobile jargon:

• Engine: inline, 3 cylinder, 1 liter, 70 HP, fuel-injected, SOHC gas-powered, liquid-cooled.
• Transmission: 5-speed manual or automatic. Can go in reverse, but reverse not recommended for long-distance driving.
• Top Speed: 100+ MPH; 0 to 60 in 9.6 seconds.
• Brakes: 3-wheel disc brakes with anti-lock on 15" wheels.
• Suspension: Independent system with unequal length control arms, coil-over-spring and shock in the front, and mono-shock with coil-over-spring and shock in the rear. Ground clearance is 5.75″, similar to most passenger vehicles currently on the road.
• Overall length: 160.5". Overall Height: 54.2".
• Trunk Space: 27" x 14" x 10".
• Amenities: A/C, AM/FM radio, heater & defrost, power windows & door locks at no extra charge.
• Interior Space: Designed to fit 95% of all men. Tallest test subject was 6'8", largest was 6'3", 325 pounds. Both "fit and loved it!" Writer Comment: None.

Suggested via Dude Product Tips by Doug P. Thanks very much, Doug.

I spent most of the day contemplating how I might discuss The Big Book of Breasts 3D with the great respect and deference I feel for it and its contents, but without sounding too dry, detached, or clinical. Unfortunately, I kept staring into the eyes (nipples) of these inhumanly massive, yet all-natural, all-star baloobas and could come up with nothing but a titanium rod of an erection. I was in a quandary for hours. Then, in need of a brief mental respite and a Philly cheese steak omelet with a slab of hash browns, I took a walk. On my way home I passed a young lady with a rack I would rate a 6 out of 10 in comparison to those in the The Big Book of Breasts, but a 10 out of 10 in comparison to the fact that she was standing in front of me in real life. I knew she held the insight to my dilemma. So I motorboated her.

Yes, of course she responded by kicking me in the nuts. But it's OK because in so doing she both illuminated the solution to my problem, and got rid of my boner. What I figured out is that I don't need to figure out a way to talk about The Big Book of Breasts 3D in entertaining, yet sophisticated euphemisms. I need to stay true to myself and to my pen and talk about it in the same way I talk about everything else: like a proudly foul-mouthed and hard-up man of average wit and below-average intelligence.

And now that we have the tone established, I would like to pose a question to the ma'am wedging her glorious willie wakers through an empty window pane: Why are you doing that?! First of all, you're going to get a splinter, and second of all, who do you think I am, Bob Vila? I don't want to associate tits with home improvements. If you want to shove those things through a restricted opening, I'd prefer, like, an inner tube, or maybe a bike rack so then at least I could post the photo online with some high-five-worthy comment about racking up a rack or wanting to lock my frame to that rack or...yeah. OK, fine. Maybe a bike rack doesn't provide the best illustration of my point.

The Big Book of Breasts 3D includes 108 boobalicious photos that, paired with the included third dimension glasses, explode from the book's pages as fully rounded body contours, right into the reader's face where they belong.

And ladies, if you think Breasts author Dian Hanson is giving you the shaft...you're right. Check out The Big Penis Book for a complementary 3D exploration of gargantuan manhood.

I've never cared much for the word "Claddagh." It sounds like a combination of too many different scary female body parts and sexually transmitted diseases. But the rings themselves are alright if you're into, like, announcing your relationship status to the world on mediums other than Facebook. Me, I like to be mysterious. Keep the ladies guessing. I could make an exception, however, for this Legend of Zeldafication of the traditional Irish Claddagh ring, which is pretty much the epitome of rad, even if it does communicate either, "I am pathetic and alone," or "I am someone else's little bitch," depending on which way you wear it.

In a move that can best be described as awesome, the Zelda-inspired Claddagh ring replaces the OG version's schmoopy heart with a Triforce icon. Rings are 3D printed in a slew of materials and colors, ranging from strong & flexible plastic ($12--now that's my kind of budget for a promise ring!) to stainless steel ($24--still within the purview of my allowance, which my mama did reinstate, by the way) to premium silver ($85--uh, negative Ghost Rider).

Those days when it's hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk or the sun's bright enough to light ants on fire with a magnifying glass? The COOKUP 200 solar BBQ turns nearly every day into an over-easy-on-the-concrete-cruel-bug-exterminating kind of day. Easy to assemble for use and break back down for portability, the sun-yoking grill fulfills the basic human need to consume hot dogs, burgers, and corn on the cob on the beach, at the park, camping, probably even on the balcony of a multi-family building that doesn't allow electric, gas, or charcoal grills, though you should really double check with property management or your homeowners' association on that one as I can't afford to get sued for giving that kind of misinformation again.

Like the Coneheads, the COOKUP 200's design and manufacture come from France. Grill functionality stems from its parabolic shape, which serves to focus all of the sun's rays it collects on the food being cooked. The process is simple, clean, and environmentally friendly, generating no smoke or off gassing CO2 emissions.

Solar BBQ setup time is around 10 minutes, and its cooking temperatures can reach 400+ degrees instantly. However, it takes about an hour to cook chicken. An hour. Uh, I feel like if I were really hungry for chicken and had to wait a whole hour to get it I would probably just eat my foot instead.

Dude. I want Chick-fil-A so bad right now.

Although I enjoy calling people tools, I don't really understand how the term came to be an insult. Aren't tools generally helpful and beneficial to the cause of man, as opposed to the burdens of dead-weight idiocy implied by the word's application within the vernacular of our contemporary youth? Furthermore, when a tool looks as slick and functions as versatilely as the Cole-Bar, wouldn't you sort of be honored if someone drew a comparison between it and yourself. I would. I...what, Mom? No, that doesn't mean you have to sew new name tags into all my T-shirts and underwear. No, I don't want you to start calling me Tool, I just...I was just using hyperbolic logic to make a point!

The Indianapolis-based Hyde family created their 7-in-1 Cole-Bar to provide the services of a hammer, crow bar, demolition tool, angle measurement tool, ruler, socket wrench, and nail pliers. Its default setting is "hammer", but by way of two conjoined pieces of carbon steel. The halves can swivel apart and lock to become a crow bar, as well as call upon their patented gear/ratchet system to hold position at any 15-degree increment from 0 to 180. The segments also separate completely via a button release to effect the implement's demo tool transformation, and since Cole-Bars use a standard 1/2" drive to connect their head and claw shafts, the drive doubles as a socket wrench.

Cole-Bar prototypes measure 14-1/2" long and weigh 43 ounces. So more than a typical hammer, but that's OK because Cole-Bars are not intended for use by the weak, the fragile, or the tools of the world. They seek Kickstarter funding through June 24, 2013.

Warning: Abigail Greydanus' latex bat underwear are slightly NSFW. Probably both in terms of viewing enlarged photos of them, and physically wearing them at the office, as my experience with latex is that it is the textile version of a sauna.

What?

No. No, I am not referring to a latex gimp suit I keep in the back of my closet. I'm talking about gloves. Darkfin gloves! Can we get back to the point, please?

The point is, ladies, I do not recommend wearing latex bat underwear to work beneath your wool blend professional clothes. I recommend wearing them unaccompanied to my living room or, barring your willingness to do that, to a living room within telescopic viewing range of mine.

Though not designated as Batman panties per se, I think we can take a look at the Evolution of the Bat-Signal poster and agree that Greydanus' cutout emblem smacks of 2003's Batman Dead End design, or at the very least could pass as sexy Dark Knight lingerie for female Bat-fans. And Robin.

Think stoic, stone-faced Batman would crack a tight-lipped smile if he saw a non-obese, cellulite-free derriere sashaying around Comic-Con in this bit of latex? More importantly--and what an opportune time to discuss a topic I've always wondered about!--do you think Batman has...uh...room to grow in his Batsuit? Probably, yeah? I mean, if I thought of it, Bruce Wayne had to have thought of it, right?

Low-rise bat underwear are made of .33mm latex and come in the buyer's choice of color. Greydanus can also make the bat cutout transparent to further compromise my ability to look at them and think in complete sentences using real words.

At this point we all know that if I have the opportunity to circumvent or finagle my way out of manual labor, everyone better settle in for a sweeping display of circumventing and finagling. So the news that setup of Kelty's AirPitch Mach 6 tent will demand less than 1 minute of my time, and a proportionately minimal amount of effort, sits very well with me. Not well enough to walk in the woods or up a mountain to go camping or anything, but I'd be down with pitching it in my backyard so my grandma has somewhere to sleep when she comes to visit.

The AirPitch Mach 6 is a 2+-room tent outfitted with Kelty's inflatable AirPoles, which reach full expansion and structural stability in under a minute with the package's included pump. In contrast to traditional tent poles, the air-filled versions can also bend and flex without breaking. Kind of like this girl I once knew from Nantucket....

The Mach 6 also has an integrated, fully-vented rainfly that needs no further assembly post-inflation, and the tent's interior features a zippered vestibule for safe, weather-proof storage. Two separate sleep rooms establish privacy for parents from children, couples from couples, and me from Cornelius after he scarfs down a vat of baked beans and Lit'l Smokies and starts stinking shit up.

Other AirPitch Mach 6 tent features:

• Taped floor seams
• Internal storage pockets
• Noiseless zipper pulls
• Hanging sleep room
• Enclosed vestibule
• Easily accessible AirPole access
• Double zipper, wide-opening door for easy access and awning functionality
• Large central screened in area for dining, chilling out, maxing, and relaxing all cool

Would you say that bacon-themed things are getting a little old? I would. Unless, that is, the bacon-themed thing happens to be actual bacon. baconkit's nifty portable armory of curing tools and ingredients enables all swine-loving beings with opposable thumbs to turn 5 pounds of store-bought pork belly into 5 pounds of homemade pork ecstasy.

Each kit includes a curing bag, cure, maple sugar, a thermometer, and an instruction sheet. The DIY curing process is simple to execute, even for people who can't cook anything that doesn't slip into a Tosatabag, and directions are included both for basic cured bacon and candied-up maple bacon. baconkit promises that the loving, personal touch of your hand to the pig's belly will produce a slab of meaty heaven that won't shrink, shrivel, or release water when fried. Which both makes me very happy and also very concerned as to why the bacon I buy at the grocery store does recoil and spat in response to the heat of my skillet in these ways....

Built for the extreme outdoors, the Earl survival tablet combines Android 4.1 technology with a low-energy E-Ink screen to enable complete (and useful--no Angry Birds here) functionality where other smartphones and tablets are rendered worthless. Earl comes equipped with:

• A GPS chipset outputting precise readings of location, direction, and elevation. Combined with everytrail.com, it will also grant access to over 300,000 trails nationwide. Connect ANT+ or Bluetooth devices, and monitor heart rate, pace, and cadence too.
• Weather sensors displaying the latest forecasts and updates to weather conditions, even in remote locations. Constant readings include temperature, humidity, and barometric pressure. A built-in micro anemometer and compass can detect wind speed and direction and, when used in conjunction with GPS, Earl will give you the heads up on where the sun, moon, and stars will shine the brightest.
• A FRS, GMRS, and MURS tranceiver that connects to analog and digital radio frequencies up to 20 miles away. A Walkie-Talkie setting allows for the sending of secure text and voice messages, plus help signals and fire reports.
• A built-in AM/FM/SW/LW radio tuner to hook you up with the jams. I recommend Hall & Oates.

Earl collaborates with thousands of available Android apps, plus supports several e-reader formats so everyone has something to do on the trail besides talk to the people they came with. Developers will also have access to a variety of new sensors for making their own apps and interactive guidebooks specific to Earl using its open api.

Earl seeks its own crowdfunding support through June 9, 2013. It's going to need some help getting there, though. Given that the survival tablet seems to be a legitimately thoughtful, well-designed, and potentially life-saving product...unlike most of the bullshit I write about here...I hope interested parties will take a minute to check it out further.

Suggested via Dude Product Tips by Sean W. Thanks, Sean.

The Delta Six might be the coolest looking gaming gun I've ever seen. I would consider buying one even if I couldn't use it for anything but picking my nose and curling up with on the couch at night (the latter particularly if the Megan Fox-looking chick were still holding it). That it actually functions as an open-source arduino rifle and virtual annihilator makes any attempt to resist backing its crowdfunding campaign nearly futile. I say "nearly" because I'm still not sure if my mom has reinstated my allowance yet. But she should, because how was I supposed to know that cherry pie was for Darlene's daughter's stupid baby shower and not my "fat Hoover vacuum mouth"?

Delta Six gaming guns will operate with XBox, PS3, and PCs, and be Next Gen ready with a downloadable patch. Creator David Kotkin's vision for the open-source implement is "to bridge the gap between motion control and Hardcore First Person Shooters." With the Delta Six, those playing Call of Duty, for example, will feel more integrated into game play, as well as have more control over the game's progression. They'll have real recoil. They'll tape the clip to engage a gun reload. They'll use the Delta Six's IR proximity sensor to zoom the game automatically upon aim, and if they pull the stock into a shoulder slightly while zoomed, aim will steady via a FPS breath hold feature.

Kotkin has established himself in the gaming world as creator of the Avenger Controller, along with numerous other tools and gadgets. His Delta Six Kickstarter campaign runs through June 7, 2013. Backers of the project can receive their guns at cost ($159) during this period.

Suggested--nearly simultaneously by Chris W. and Jeremy B. using the Dude Product Tips form.

Retro game smartphone cases go legitimately retro--like back to the 1920s when the only people still alive who would remember pachinko boards and ball mazes as their primary form of childhood entertainment really can't remember much of anything anymore. Pure Gear's colorful, flexible cases feature the buyer's choice of 3 old(en-days)-school distractions of fortune and fine motor skills for the iPhone 5, Samsung Galaxy S4, and Galaxy S III. Choose from:

• Amazing: A blue & red smartphone case with a straight ball-in-a-maze puzzle on its back side.
• Groovy: A green & blue case with a concentric circle ball-in-a-maze puzzle, and multiple balls which must meet in the center to claim game domination.
• Undecided: A pink & yellow case with a pachinko-like face and pinball plunger for shooting the ball when you seek counsel (i.e., the answer to a Yes or No question). Hmmm, I see that this particular retro game comes in girl colors. Coincidence, or a testament to the fact that women are incredibly indecisive and in constant need of a second opinion?

In addition to giving you something to do on the airplane when commanded to shut down all electronic devices, and on bus trips through the mountains of Mexico that have no cell service, retro game cases will also protect your smartphone from minor bumps and impacts. Probably not, however, from chucking it across the room when the metal ball won't slide through the right opening or give you the answer you wanted to see.

Though not as blood-curdling as a breaching shark in an elevator, an alligator snarling up through a manhole cover on my front doorstep should make uninvited visitors take pause long enough to second guess their decision to disrupt my Air Supply rock-out session and game of One-Man Twister.

OK, I know you're going to think I'm making this up because I make shit up all the time, but I swear this is a true story. I swear on the condition that if it's not true, I'll sell all of my gaming consoles and Air Jordans on Craig's List and devote my life to helping others with no expectation of payment or personal gain. Believe it. And believe this:

When my dad was little, maybe 3 or 4, you could keep alligators as pets, so his dad sent him a baby alligator from Florida for his birthday. I don't know how long he had it before the incident, but I do know that since kids thrive on touching things whether they are supposed to or not, one day he picked the gator up out of its aquarium, held it in front of him, and stared into its eyes. Yeah, you know what happened. It bit him in the face. But not just bit him, bit him and latched on. Snout along top lip, jaw underneath chin, game over. When an alligator's maxillofacial muscles contract, the hands of man have no hope of releasing them. His mom had to drive him to the hospital...or maybe the vet...with the thing hanging from his mouth so they could knock it out and pry it off. Probably they let it loose in the Chicago sewer system after that, but my dad never ran into it again, say, nostalgically peeping up at him through a manhole cover like how the guy who raised the Clydesdale horse reunited with it years later during a Budweiser parade. He does carry the gator's memory in the form of two small scars on his lip and chin though.