I would be delighted to suggest a suitable route for the Olympic Torch. In fact, someone just did, on Tessa Jowel’s Facebook page. Isn’t social media a hoot!

Ah yes! The NHS and our entire infrastructure is about to be privatised, education is about to become the domain of the rich (smug face) again, and we are supposed to give a rat’s corpse about lots of drug infused muscle bound half wits chasing eachother about and throwing pointy implements in a field.

Lets spend stacks of cash on bunting! Clearly!

When I first came to live in London, I contacted an uncle, a long lost younger brother of my father, who had not been in contact with our family for over a decade. It seemed safer to come to stay with him in this big city than to live in halls – I am sure you would have agreed at the time, it seemed infinitely sensible.

My father had passed away before I reached my teens, I was curious to meet this glamorous young uncle, to see if he looked like my father. Tim seemed full of fun; he had a voluptuous wife, two little children and an enormous dog. Soon after I arrived, the dog got sick. Tim cried great wet tears and carried the dog to the vet in his arms. I was touched.

Tim returned from the vet in an extreme state of distress. Prince was very sick indeed. The vet wanted to “put my Princey to sleep”. Tim fled from the vet’s office to seek calm and consolation at his home in the arms of his wife.

After a short while, the vet telephoned to seek permission to euthanize the beloved pet. Initially, Tim sobbed, “Everything is to be done to keep Princey alive”, then – shrieking “Exorbitant! Are you sure?” to “How much will it cost to put the dog down”, and eventually “What’s to stop me killing the mutt myself?”

I remember clearly, the woman who was married to Tim at the time, relating to me, how very sensitive Uncle Tim was – she claimed he had taken the entire day off work when my father died. “He phoned in sick and lay on the kitchen floor. Right there, on the tumbled marble tiles, in front of the Miele dishwasher – to the left of the waste disposal unit and he cried like a baby all day… I will never forget it. That was the day I went into labour with our son Clint. E’s so very sensitive, my Timmy,” she added, in her irritating nasal whine.

“When Elvis died, the following year, he was confined to his bed for a week! Oh yes, I was carrying our daughter at the time, he insisted we named her Priscilla!”

Why am I telling you this?

Apparently Kate Middleton’s cousin is rather a character…

We don’t get to choose our relatives sweetie.

Chin up.

We need to make this world a better place.

We need to tell everyone about JOSEPH KONY.

MAKE JOSEPH KONY FAMOUS.

GO GET HIM NOW!

The children at my daughter’s school are so very clever (grinds teeth). It seems like only yesterday that my baby girl bounced in the front door and announced that she had won the annual school poetry competition…

Oh yes, after that we had weeks of stress (dabs tear from eye).

The poppet claimed to have been shocked to have won the contest, amazed as she had no recollection of entering at all. She was, she claimed, entirely unfamiliar with the rhyme submitted in her name (looks guiltily at husband)… For weeks she threatened to expose us, right up until parents evening when she recited the ode for the damn governors. James feared he had developed a gastric ulcer! Freya was the lucky owner of a new iPad (grinds teeth).

Today as I stood at the school gates, next to a perfect mummy who I know so well. Her darling bounced out of the school gates and announced: “Mummy, I appear to have won the school poetry competition!”

“Good for you sweetie” chirped her mother, kissing the poppet heartily on the cheek. “But mummy, I haven’t seen that poem before”… OHMYGOD!

Nothing is new (smirk). These poppets are clever enough to extort money from their parents but not clever enough to write their own damn sonnets (shakes fist at sky). Bill Gates is laughing at us from the heavens.

My darling poppet, Freya, tripped out from school on Friday, deep in conversation with a dimpled, pint sized chum;

“I feel it is unfair that Olympia has clearly stolen her poem for the poetry competition from a book.”

“I believe the practice is referred to as plagiarism” added Iris, very seriously (I should speak to her mother, she is developing a frown line).

“It is supposed to be original work, that is the entire point of the competition!” asserted Freya. “That rhyme is far too good for an eight year old girl to have written. It makes a mockery of the entire contest, it is not an even playing field”, her little face going red and her voice slightly raised (I can see a career as an international human rights lawyer within reach!).

“Exactly my point” cried Iris. “Why can’t Olympia have her father write the poem like everyone else”…

OHMYGOD!

NOTE TO SELF: Speak to James – URGENTLY! If my poppet is to succeed in life, she needs to get a taste for winning from her early years. Freya may never achieve a thing in life if we don’t take drastic action (dabs tear from eye)! James will have to personally complete her homework for the foreseeable future, clearly!

It is the age we live in sweeties (dabs tear from eye)…

Apparently all of this social media is terribly now and down with the kids!

“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with assholes.”

William Gibson

At the school gates this morning, I bumped into a sobbing Imogen, who admitted that she thinks she has developed Tourettes!

“You don’t have Tourettes darling” I reasoned. “You have children!”

“If having children makes women swear, why do you always seem so serene?” she blubbed.

“Because I have help,” I replied.

Pass the corkscrew…

I know how chaotically busy it can be; juggling the needs of an Alpha husband with high achieving progeny (they will get a Grade 8 violin and captaincy of the First Rugby Team for their UCAS forms if I have to tote the damn rugby ball over the try line while playing a scale myself), homework assignments galore to carry out for their top performing schools (I am running out of Pritt Stick and it isn’t even Book Week yet!) and still, we are required to set the trend at the school gate and in the board room ourselves (dabs tear from eye)!

Well, help is at hand – cunning little me has done London Fashion Week so you don’t have to! On Saturday I skipped along to Vauxhall Fashion Scout – London’s largest independent fashion showcase, where I was lucky enough to spend time observing the work of Lan Nguyen, who is currently Professional National Make-up Awards Winner 2011! As a guest of The Body Shop, I experienced the buzz and excitement backstage at Jacob Kimmie and Lako Bukia! It was completely amazing and everything I hoped it would be (note to self: buy a clothes steamer appliance for the housekeeper)!

Quite apart from the fact that I fell in love with several amazing pieces myself – and take note here that monochrome and sheer is the way to go next season (I have placed my order already!), up-do’s rule and gloss is the way forward (but we knew that already!), there are a couple of key points I am keen to share with my inner circle!

I loved the uber glossy dark polished nails that were created using Orly products (polish in Blackout and Instant Artist Nail Art Striper in Firey Red), with bright red semi-circles created using freehand. Yes indeed, super creative – but nail art is not for everyone and actually, we are far more SE21 than SW2!

In order to avoid getting stuck in a make-up bag rut (sticking with last years colours, textures and techniques, particularly when it comes to eye makeup can prove to be frightfully aging), a thick slick line above the upper lashes with liquid or gel is now essential and lush, black, long lashes are key. When one is no longer twenty, a sharp line can prove to be as enhancing as a face lift, so if you don’t have a magnifying mirror, you will have to dash to The Mother Ship (Peter Jones) first thing on Monday!

Learn how to create a smoky eye, it is an essential life skill (looks serious).

The lovely Lan Nguyen has worked with a long list of upcoming designers to create an individual look for each and from what I observed, there was an obvious, recurrent theme.

The events are sponsored by The Body Shop and all of the make-up looks I saw were achieved using their products which makes cutting edge incredibly accessible. Indeed, it is positively eco-chic if you consider their ethical retailer status!