The city can be incredibly depressing in Winter. I try to keep my chin up, for the sake of the darling munchkins… but my spirits soon flag (sigh).

Bad weather, combined with too few daylight hours and lack of opportunity to display my perfect jewel coloured glossy pedi in open-toed Gina sandals, can be simply soul destroying…(sniff)

Occasionally situations arise to lift my mood, if only for a few short moments. For example, my perfect son, Max, announced just yesterday morning that he had a sore throat and needed “a throat lasagne.” I laughed my socks off all the way to work.

The sign I spotted in Morley’s window, as I drove through central Brixton today also made me smile, well actually, it almost caused me to laugh my head clean off my shoulders: “Beauty Week, come in and we will make you to look fabulous”. Judging from the cut of their customers, I assume that they will begin by replacing missing teeth!

Having run a competition for a flight to The Canaries last Sunday, my mind has left town and is winging its way south in search of respite. The call of the Winter sun is ringing in my ears and the thought of the spray tanning booth holds no allure. I hear that Jeremy Clarkson said he visited Ireland 10 years ago and the women all had white skin and orange hair. He went again recently to discover that they all had white hair and orange skin! OMG!!!

I never consider cheap imitations (gasp). Am I the only one missing the sunshine? I shall try to focus on the image below, to remind myself of the shocking crimes against fashion that some people commit when the sun shines. If you don’t have a strong stomach, please avert your eyes.

If you don’t immediately realise what this is, just keep looking, it will come to you…OHMYGOD!

I need shocking images such as this to stop me from driving straight to the airport chanting: “There is a sun lounger by an infinity pool in The Canaries with my name on it…”

WHAT IS THIS VILE AFFLICTION?

Winter Blues is not some funky new young music stylie… all swear words, casual sex and body piercing (clutches chest), nor is it the latest shade of blue as determined by famed fashion guru Sara Berman… or even a popular social networking tool, Twitter is terribly now you know! Winter Blues is a well known disease that many Northern Europeans suffer from. It affects one’s overall mood and is attributable to being exposed to few sunlight hours (dabs tear from eye).

WHAT ARE THE SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS?

Winter Blues is a form of depression that takes place around the same time each year with the change of seasons, when the children go back to school and the dark evenings start to draw in. If you suffer two or more of the following symptoms each year in the autumn and into the winter, you may suffer from winter blues:

· Increased levels of lethargy and inertia. Some scientists have documented similarities to animals’ winter hibernation! Women have been known to wear shapeless, unflattering Ugg Boots and enormous shearling sheepskin jackets (OHMYGOD!).

· Difficulty in waking up in the mornings as the days gets shorter (the tendancy to polish off a bottle of Chablis as the evenings get longer can be such a problem).

· Increased craving for carbohydrate-rich foods like chocolate and ice cream – really now girls, you must control yourselves, think Kerry Catona… (gasp).

Tips to overcome Winter Blues

These tips will help you regain your equilibrium and survive this vile affliction.

Do some exercise

Aerobic exercise has proven to help people combat winter blues. OK, you have realized that I am joking, exercise is so damn undignified! Get yourself a Slendertone belt and watch the au pair walking the dog in the rain from your bedroom window, it really is incredibly mood enhancing.

Improve your diet with carbs

Carbohydrates are often effective in increasing serotonin levels in the brain. (OHMYGOD! How hilarious, not on your life! I do not intend to develop bingo wings, what could be more depressing?).

Get away for the weekend to get natural sunlight

Now, this is a prescription I can handle! If you suffer this disease you are obviously not exposed to sufficient sunlight! Take a break and travel to a destination that offers plenty of sunlight hours – simples!!!

Did you know that…?

Facts about Winter Blues

· It affects about four times as many women as men (so it is best to leave your man behind – a mini break will be wasted on him).

· Around 20% of Irish people are affected by Winter Blues! Jeremy Clarkson said that when he visited Ireland 10 years ago, all of the women had white skin and orange hair, when he visited recently, they all had white hair and yellow skin! San Tropez tan is sooo not the way to go! Head to the sun and lighten up!

· The Winter Blues is primarily caused by unstable melatonin levels, as well as serotonin, a neurotransmitter responsible for mood, hunger, and sleep. FOR GODS SAKE, GET TO THE SUN BEFORE YOU START TO DRIFT OFF WHILE LYING FACE DOWN IN A BOX OF BENDICKS BITTERMINTS!

· Although the Winter Blues are not as severe as long-term depression, they can change the way a person thinks, reacts, and deals with everyday challenges. It is for this reason that I am running a competion for two flights to the Canary Islands ! I am so incredibly civic minded (smirk)!

All that I ask is that you tell me why you should receive the free flights and what you like best about the Canary Islands – you must be both over 18 and able to travel between Dec 09 (excluding Christmas and New year and must have personal comprehensive insurance ) – March 10th.

I have been so very busy over the last week (sigh), my grooming routine is both relentless and exhausting… (ha!).

No, seriously, I have been melancholy, reflecting, on how we fill our lives with unnecessary frippery, detail and deadlines here in Dulwich, making ourselves so very stressed, losing focus of what is important…

I long for a simpler life (sigh).

My babies chant their times tables in bed at night, wearing the sweet little earphones from their MP3 players even while they sleep. James has loaded their Grade 2 violin pieces onto R4 chips so that even their Nintendos are helping them to cram for impending music exams and the study is strewn with Kumon work books.

I myself have obsessed unnecessarily about various issues, from my being cruelly manipulated into posing for a charity calendar by the PTA (YIKES) to the ageing process (sob). I noticed an increased proliferation of fine downy hair under my chin (OHMYGOD!), and panicked that I was careering towards the menopause, so I picked up some facial wax strips in Boots. I have been left with red abrasions all over my chin (wail). My super soft skin is sooo sensitive (dabs tear from eye).

This morning, when I dropped my perfect son to school, it became clear to me that several of the older boys have procured copies of the new PTA calendar. One very tall, (no more than 12 year old) chap strode over to me with a broad smile and a wink. “You have carpet burns on your chin,” he announced (gasp) “You’re Smoking”.

“You don’t think he meant you have the fine lines and wrinkles of a smoker?” chirped evil Francesca, handing me her compact and grinning like a Cheshire cat.

“No, sweetie, he means I am fabulous in the PTA calendar, it is an expression that young people use” (smirk).

I really shouldn’t stress about trivia you know, everything is fabulous here in Dulwich. I am off to the garden annex to fire the au pair, I intend to replace her with an ex-Gurkha, graduate, Mandarin speaking manny (perfectly equipped to complete the various Duke of Edinburgh Award tasks and expeditions to provide the poppets an edge on their UCAS forms when they apply for medical school). Well, after the comments that Prince Edward made in Australia, I am not taking any chances with my progeny… avoiding the stress of trivia is a top priority!

a baby otter for Christmas this year! Why can’t she make it easy for Santa, just this once? OHMYGOD, but they are sooo cute.

This blog is in the Indie today! It appears that I have one of the “Top 50 Sites and blogs for Parents” (smirk).

HOWEVER… the journalist erroneously refers to Dulwich as a “town” and not a “village” (wail), and so, my luxurious home has lost about 50k this afternoon (stomps foot). Property prices are currently so damn precarious, thanks for that (grrr)!

I haven’t noticed any extra traffic around here of late (inspects glossy manicure), but then it is half term… and I would like to take this opportunity to point out that it really is incredibly refined in SE21, even our skincare is organic and none of the au pairs have hair extensions, immitation Ugg Boots or vile silver Tiffany jewellery…

Despite this, I am pleased to point out that I had the place spruced up a little recently, oh, and the cleaner popped in to give the blog a good damp dusting on Saturday. It would have been frightful if there had been any unsightly images left lying about the place!

Now, you really must excuse me. I appear to have mislaid an old photo of the editor of The Independent, as a young man. It just slipped into my bag, when I visited his mother earlier this evening. Everyone lives in Dulwich you know!

He lives in Barnes now, it is very rough over there…

Soon another birthday will leap upon me and savage some more of my youthful loveliness from about my person (sob). I find this time of year so damn depressing (stomps foot).

However, I recently discovered another super blog, “Awful Library Books”, that has helped to lift my spirits, although some of the posts have been rather upsetting (whimper).

This book,

and this:

in particular, have left a lump in my throat.

I shall have you know that these books were actually published in 1986 and 1987, but things were different then… Well they were, weren’t they?

OHMYGOD!

Somehow, laughing at other people’s families, makes me feel so much better about my own… What were these people thinking of, when the posed for these portraits?

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There are so many levels on which these "family photos" make me laugh my socks off!

Thank God it is Friday...

My social standing at the school gates has been destroyed (blows nose), it seems that darling Max has also written a few lines about our family in his school year book. The passage reads;

“Grandpa was a sailor and he loves his cat”…

Perfect Max makes his grandfather sound like Captain Birdseye! He should have written;

“Grandpa Charles was a commodore and he loves his CATAMARAN.”

He does not have a close relationship with some feral moggie (stomps foot).

This is one of my favorite sites right now! It has helped to lift my spirits despite my own current misfortune (dabs tear from eye).

This particular photo has made me realize that there is always someone worse off than you (none of you are as well of as me – clearly!), and it shall serve forever more as a warning, if I ever consider a spray tan…

THIS PHOTO IS NOT ME, CLEARLY!

I feel sick…

I am nauseated (clutches chest and gasps for air).

You have not idea what it is like around here (bites lip).

These women at the school gate are … (shrieks) vipers (wail).

My social standing in Dulwich is now destroyed, ANNIHILATED!

Don’t you laugh. No! (Whimper)… Don’t you dare.

I had just poured myself a miniscule glass of Chablis and sat down avec poppets to read Freya’s school Year Book 2008-9. I discovered that the perfect child had written an entire passage with an evil, twisted, ex-au pair – holding a grudge…OHMYGOD!

This is not my darling girl’s fault (looks around suspiciously).

Oh no, I know exactly where the blame lies (stomps foot).

In a passage entitled “My family” Freya had penned a piece about my husband’s parents:

“Grandpa was a sailor and he lives with Grandma Elizabeth in a big estate in Wales, and there is lots of shooting…”

This is not an accurate account of my husband’s parents or their capacious home (dabs tear from eye)! They do not live in a 1970’s sink estate in Merthyr Tydfil, riddled with gun crime (gasps for air). Yes, one would be expected to shoot if one visited them, but most certainly, no-one is in danger of getting shot. Not recently (checks out glossy manicure). THEY OWN AND LIVE ON AN ESTATE, THEY DO NOT LIVE “IN” ONE (if you see what I mean).

And Grandpa Charles was a commodore, NOT damned Popeye the sailor man…

I am off to bed with one of my heads.

How very dare everyone.

This is not funny.

NOT funny at all.