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The Most Popular Dumb Runner Articles of 2021

Mark Remy — Tue, 21 Dec 2021 23:38:08 GMT

Friends, wasn’t 2021 blissful? The year carried me along like a warm, meandering river of pleasure, with waves of euphoria interspersed with long stretches of pure, distilled peace.

Or maybe that’s just my recollection of 2021, which I spent entirely in an opium den.

Anyway, once again it’s time to take a look at the Dumb Runner articles that resonated most with readers these past 12 months.

And here they are.

—Mark

12. Local Woman Loves to Run on Trails, Where It’s Just Her, Nature, and the Constant Simmering Rage and Despair That Is Everyone’s New Normal

Who knew so many folks would (still!) be able to relate to this one? Published September 16, 2020.

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11. Monument on Boston Marathon Course Marks Exact Spot Where Kathrine Switzer's Uterus Fell Out

Female anatomy, always good for a laugh. Published April 12, 2018.

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10. Man Can’t Decide Whether to Go For Run or Give Up Running Altogether and Embrace Inevitable Slide Into Decay and Decline

We’ve all been there, haven’t we? Published November 20, 2019.

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9. Eleven Terrible Jokes for Runners

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Hydrate.

Hydrate who?

Hydrate you a 9 out of 10, at least!

Still popular, still terrible. I can’t explain it. Published July 23, 2017.

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8. Report: Hills Are Bullshit

Funny enough, this article’s popularity, while high, hasn’t climbed. Published July 23, 2020.

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7. Study Finds Trail Running Increases Risk of Beard by 400%

I published this one in mid-December, and it still made the annual Most Popular list. Folks love beard jokes, I guess. Published December 13, 2021.

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6. Dumb Runner Tries Cycling, Fails (Not a Joke)

A bike crash in September supplied some grist for the mill. If you don’t have time to read the whole thing, the important bit is this, from the end: “Be careful out there.” Published September 20, 2021.

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5. 'Running Is Great Because It's So Simple,' Says Guy Wearing $1,170 Worth of Gear

Another perennial favorite. Published October 11, 2017.

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4. The Only 3 Things You Need to Know to Begin Running (Really)

This nuts-and-bolts article still finds readers, which I still find gratifying. Published January 09, 2017.

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3. ‘Long Runs Really Give Me Time to Think,’ Says Man Who Spends Most of His Long Runs Thinking About Waffles

Distance runners love to eat. And to daydream about eating. And, apparently, to read funny articles about distance runners who daydream about eating. Who knew? Published March 31, 2021.

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2. Under Armour Rolls Out 'Performance Diapers' for Runners

Another old reliable. One fairly disturbing thing I’ve learned is that some people out there actually Google “diapers for runners,” an online search that Dumb Runner positively owns. Published July 25, 2017.

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1. Ironman Finisher Goes 5 Days Without Mentioning It, Shattering Previous Record

This was the most popular article of 2021, and it wasn’t even close—a fact that, until now, I hadn’t mentioned in more than five days. Published August 04, 2021.

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And the Top 5 Dumb Runner Facebook Posts…

SEE/SHARE IT ON FACEBOOK

PHOTO BY SAMUEL REGAN-ASANTE ON UNSPLASH

Well, Look at That—You’re Still Reading!

In that case, let me end with a request: If Dumb Runner made your 2021 a little bit brighter, can you take a minute right now to say “thanks” and help me keep doing what I do? In addition to being 100% original and open, Dumb Runner is entirely independent and ad-free. That means I rely entirely on YOU for funding.

Thank you for your support, and best wishes for a happy and healthy 2022.

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Podcast Engrossing

Mark Remy — Mon, 20 Dec 2021 16:02:14 GMT

Images via Depositphotos

I could write more, but most people who see the headline and image of this article on social media won’t bother clicking the link, so why bother?

Sorry if that sounds petulant, which it probably does. But I’ve been doing this for six years now and I see the analytics. I know that the overwhelming majority of readers who see my articles via social media will simply like/share/comment on them and move on.

Which is fine! Dumb Runner is ad-free, so I don’t depend on page views to generate revenue. My only goal is to make people smile and laugh and maybe think a little bit. To create a brief moment of connection. If I manage to do that, I’m happy.

Still. You can understand how, after years of writing articles that vanishingly few people seem to want or need, you might wake up one morning and decide to just skip that part.

Right?

Maybe I should just do Dumb Runner comics from now on.

In any case, thank you for reading. And for listening.

Yours Truly,

Mark

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Dumb Runner Poster #223

Mark Remy — Fri, 17 Dec 2021 00:48:09 GMT

Photo by sporlab on Unsplash

Guy Who Didn’t Want to Get Out of Bed for 6 a.m. Run But Did It Anyway Named Time Person of the Year

Mark Remy — Wed, 15 Dec 2021 16:41:42 GMT

In a surprising choice, Time magazine has named Guy Who Didn’t Want to Get Out of Bed for 6 a.m. Run But Did It Anyway its Person of the Year for 2021.

“For nearly a century, Time has named a Person of the Year—the individual or group who most shaped the previous 12 months, for better or for worse,” Edward Felsenthal, editor in chief and CEO of Time, wrote in making the announcement this week. “This year, we have broken the mold by naming someone who hasn’t influenced events, per se, but who personifies them.”

“That person is Guy Who Didn’t Want to Get Out of Bed for 6 a.m. Run But Did It Anyway.”

Guy Who Didn’t Want to Get Out of Bed for 6 a.m. Run But Did It Anyway, Felsenthal explained, “reflects not just the mental and emotional exhaustion we all have felt this past year—who among us hasn’t struggled to get out of our warm, comfortable beds, whether literal or metaphorical?—but also the human capacity to face that challenge and to overcome it by sheer force of will.”

Reached for comment, Guy Who Didn’t Want to Get Out of Bed for 6 a.m. Run But Did It Anyway told Dumb Runner he was surprised and honored to be named Person of the Year. He also said he’s glad he got up and ran, rather than sleeping in.

“I got a solid six miles in,” he said. “It was good.”

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Study Finds Trail Running Increases Risk of Beard by 400%

Mark Remy — Mon, 13 Dec 2021 17:17:34 GMT

Depositphotos.com

Regular trail running may come at a cost, according to new research that finds it increases a runner’s risk of beard by 400 percent. The findings, from a team at the University of La Grange, are published in this week’s issue of the Pacific Northwest Journal of Hirsuteness.

“We knew there was a correlation between trail runners and facial hair,” said Elwood Francis, Ph.D. “We were less sure, until now, about causation—and just how pronounced the effect might be.”

Francis said he and his team were “stunned” by the fourfold increase in risk.

“That was quite a surprise,” he said. “The last time we saw numbers like that was when we studied hipsters back in the ’90s.”

The new study followed 320 healthy, active male runners. Half were assigned to run trails mostly or exclusively; the other half were instructed to avoid trails completely. The researchers noticed differences almost immediately.

“The trail group grew beards quickly and seemingly spontaneously,” Francis said. “In a few particularly enthusiastic subjects, the beards appeared virtually overnight.”

The study attributed the phenomenon to hyperactive stoke glands in the trail running group.

COURTESY University of La Grange

“We all have stoke glands, tiny organs that produce and release stoke, surrounding every hair follicle,” Francis explained. “Among our trail runners, however, their stoke glands were unusually large and active, encouraging hair growth.”

Francis said he’s unsure why such growth would be localized to the face, rather than affecting all body hair. Another mystery is how, if at all, these findings might apply to women.

“Those questions,” he said, “may require further research.”

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Dumb Runner Illustrated #34: References

Mark Remy — Fri, 10 Dec 2021 01:41:33 GMT

‘Runners Don’t Belong on Road,’ Says Operator of Speeding 3-Ton Infotainment Center

Mark Remy — Wed, 08 Dec 2021 15:22:01 GMT

Runners “don’t belong on the road,” a local man announced yesterday from the driver’s seat of his RAM 2500 Laramie, a truck that is 7 feet wide, 6.5 feet tall, and 19 feet long; weighs 6,000 pounds; and has a wifi-enabled infotainment system including a 12-inch touchscreen.

“Look at this guy,” said Charles M. Burns, 54, a sales executive for an insurance company, craning his neck to peer over the vehicle’s towering hood at a man running on the shoulder. “Right there in the middle of traffic.”

“Get off the road!” Burns yelled.

It is unclear whether the runner heard the remark over the music playing in Burns’ truck, which boasts an interior active noise cancellation system and 900-watt Harman Kardon® Premium Audio system with 17 speakers “designed for an immersive listening experience.”

Reacting to the runner’s apparent indifference, Burns gunned the 410-horsepower V-8 engine, sending the three-ton vehicle vaulting forward. Almost immediately afterward he braked to avoid rear-ending another vehicle stopped at a red light. Minutes later, Burns reached his destination, a local supermarket.

Others who should not use public streets and roads, Burns told Dumb Runner via a video call from I-205, include walkers and cyclists.

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Runner’s Holiday Letter Just a Bunch of Strava Charts

Mark Remy — Mon, 06 Dec 2021 17:10:35 GMT

main image via Depositphotos.com

A local runner’s annual holiday letter consists almost entirely of charts and graphs from his Strava account, Dumb Runner has learned, puzzling its recipients.

Brent Spiner, 32, mailed copies of his letter last week, along with a nondenominational card featuring a snowy mountain scene and the words PEACE, LOVE, JOY. The letter itself, printed on 8.5x11-inch “holiday sweater” stationery, leads with the words “Holiday Greetings,” followed by four charts and graphs from Spiner’s account on the popular fitness tracking platform Strava.

Several people who got Spiner’s letter were unsure how to interpret it.

“We don’t stay in touch with Brent much through the year,” said Kate Mulgrew, a college friend of Spiner. “So his holiday letter is really the one chance we have to hear what he’s been up to, you know, how things are going.”

“But this…” she said, motioning to the letter. “I mean, what even is this?”

Reached by email for comment, Spiner replied only with the word kudos.

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Dumb Runner Illustrated #33: Super

Mark Remy — Fri, 03 Dec 2021 00:48:09 GMT

Injured Runner Wondering Whether Cone Really Necessary

Mark Remy — Wed, 01 Dec 2021 17:46:06 GMT

Main Image via Depositphotos.com

A local woman recovering from a stress fracture is beginning to wonder whether the protective cone she was ordered to wear is truly necessary, Dumb Runner has learned.

Amy Barrett, 38, who has been wearing the semitranslucent cone since her diagnosis late last week, said her doctor never fully explained why she needed to use it.

“After confirming that I had a minor stress fracture, she told me to take it easy for at least three weeks, said I could take ibuprofen for any pain, and put this big plastic collar thing around my neck,” said Barrett. “Never told me why.”

Barrett said she thought the cone was strange, but “just went with it.”

“I mean, she’s the expert, right?” she said. “I assume she knows what she’s doing.”

In addition to being uncomfortable, Barrett said the cone makes her feel self-conscious whenever she’s in public—particularly when onlookers express pity.

“I try to get out every day for a short walk, just to stay active,” she said, “and it usually takes about 30 seconds for someone to point and make some sort of heartbreak-y sound.”

On her most recent outing, said Barrett, an older woman called her “poor thing” and asked if she could give her a treat.

“I took the treat,” she said. “But still, it was humiliating.”

Reached for comment, Barrett’s doctor laughed.

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Local Runner Skips Track Workout, Citing Global Supply Chain Issues

Mark Remy — Mon, 29 Nov 2021 15:26:08 GMT

Depositphotos.com

A local man skipped his run yesterday, blaming disruptions in the global supply chain—the third time this month the longtime runner has used that excuse when missing a workout.

Don Covay, 33, maintains that he had every intention of completing the workout—10 x 400 meters, with a one-mile warmup and one-mile cooldown—but that a worldwide slowdown in the production and distribution of goods thwarted his plans.

A supply chain crisis, worsened by the COVID pandemic and labor shortages, has indeed plagued manufacturers and retailers as well as consumers, but Covay did not explain how, exactly, it affected his training schedule.

“It’s all over the news,” Covay told Dumb Runner. “This supply chain mess has slowed everything to a crawl.”

“I wish I could have done my speed workout [yesterday], but, you know, my hands were tied,” he said. “Factories waiting for raw materials, cargo ships stacked up at ports, runs being canceled… Everything’s a mess.”

Instead of completing his track workout, Covay spent yesterday morning “puttering around the house” and playing video games. Asked whether he will do a hill run planned for Thursday, he was noncommittal.

“We’ll have to wait and see,” he said. “But it’s not looking good.”

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The 2021 Dumb Runner Gift Guide

Mark Remy — Tue, 23 Nov 2021 19:16:52 GMT

BAckground Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Season’s greetings, friends!

Once again it’s the time of year that retail analysts call “late November,” i.e. the time to think about purchasing gifts for your friends and family, because buying things for people is how we say we love them. And once again I have a few suggestions.

Apart from being fun and at least somewhat original, these items all have something in common: When you buy them, Dumb Runner makes a little bit of money. This is important, because Dumb Runner is 100% ad-free. Merch sales, along with reader pledges and donations, are how I fund this endeavor. In short: When you buy Dumb Runner merch, you help to keep Dumb Runner going.

No matter what you buy, or for whom, or why, I wish you a happy and healthy holiday season.

Yours in Good Cheer,

Mark

Note: Items in this gift guide are designed by me but sold via Threadless.com and Lulu.com—external websites with their own shopping carts, checkouts, fulfillment operations, and customer service. Questions? Comments? Special requests? I’m here for you. Just ask!

2022 Dumb Runner Motivational Wall Calendar, $21.99

If you like my motivational posters, you’ll love this wall calendar, because… uh… it’s basically 12 of my motivational posters. But big and glossy, and in calendar form! Click the button below for a full preview or to order.

BUY NOW

Dumb Runner Tees, $22 and Up

“5K MARATHON STATE CHAMP” is just one of many designs at my Threadless shop, which offers men’s, women’s, and kids’ shirts in a variety of colors and styles (including long-sleeved, tanks, and technical shirts). Click the button to start browsing.

buy now

Dumb Runner Hoodies, $41 and Up

Available in three styles (French Terry, Classic Fleece, Sponge Fleece) for men, women, and kids, these hoodies are 100% awesome. Lots of designs, lots of colors, lots of coziness.

buy now

Dumb Runner Prints, $13 and Up

You’ll find several “fine art prints” (their words, not mine) at my Threadless shop, including this motivational poster, my popular “Was It Fun?” comic, and more. They’re available in various sizes, framed or unframed, and on stretched canvas, among other options. Click the button to see ’em all.

buy now

Dumb Runner Logo Socks, $13

Unisex sizing in small, medium, or large. These socks are a blend of 60% polyester, 10% acrylic, 25% nylon, and 5% Spandex. The pattern is 100% my face.

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The Dumb Runner Training Journal, $12

Like any training diary, this 52-week log has plenty of space to record your daily workouts and mileage. Unlike other training diaries, this one might actually make you laugh. Also: IT’S SPIRAL-BOUND!

buy now

A Gift Donation to Dumb Runner (With Personal Note to the Recipient From Me!), $20 and Up

Not keen on buying more stuff for folks who are already up to their eyeballs in it? Consider the gift of laughter, via a pledge or donation to Dumb Runner on the recipient’s behalf. Donate $20 or more in someone else’s name and I will send that person a handwritten thank-you card, some stickers, and maybe even a crude drawing to tell them what an awesome person you are.

IMPORTANT: When making your donation, please note that it is a gift donation and provide the recipient’s name and mailing address, along with any other helpful info. (You may supply this information in a separate email, if you like.)

one-time donation, via paypal one-time donation, via venmo

Want More?

My Threadless shop is chock-full of great gift ideas, from mugs to totes to official Dumb Runner Track Club apparel. Have a look!

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Here’s How Runners Can Dodge Political Talk This Thanksgiving (Updated for 2021!)

Mark Remy — Tue, 23 Nov 2021 16:24:00 GMT

istockphoto.com

Readers, back in 2016 I brought you an article titled Here's How Runners Can Dodge Trump Talk This Thanksgiving, in which I wrote:

As a runner, you probably have a talent for turning just about any conversation into a conversation about running in general, and your running in particular. With a little preparation, you can use this talent to great effect at the Thanksgiving table.

It was (and remains) a very popular article. Huge! Many people are saying it has the biggest traffic numbers in history, numbers that would make your head spin, that’s what I’m told. Recently a military officer—big guy, many medals, very tough character—came up to me, with tears in his eyes, the guy was crying, and told me, “Sir,” he said, “sir, thank you for doing what you do. Thank you for the satire.” Very amazing and beautiful moment.

But I digress.

As we careen toward Thanksgiving 2021, things are more polarized than ever—and, it seems, on more fronts than ever. And so I figured it was time for an update. See below.

Potentially Explosive Remark: “We’ve gotta get this Critical Race Theory out of our schools.”

Your Response: “Hey, speaking of races and criticism—did you hear about that marathon that turned out to be, like, half a mile short? All these people who thought they’d run a PR or qualified for Boston were SUPER critical of the race director after that! Ha ha!”

Potentially Explosive Remark: “Biden’s massive spending bill is gonna blow up the deficit.”

Your Response: “Hoo boy, you want to talk about blowing up? You should have seen me around mile 19 of my last marathon. It was not pretty.”

Bonus Extension: “Unlike this lovely centerpiece, which is so pretty. Did you make this yourself?”

Potentially Explosive Remark: “This whole COVID thing is a hoax.”

Your Response: “Oh my gosh I LOVE my Hokas. What’s that? Oh, sorry, I thought you said ‘Hokas.’ It’s a brand of running shoes. I’m wearing a pair now, see?” (This one works only if you’re wearing Hokas.)

Potentially Explosive Remark: “The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.”

Your Response: “You know who strikes me as a really good guy? Eliud Kipchoge.” (Followed by minutes-long explanation of who Eliud Kipchoge is.)

Potentially Explosive Remark: “Thanks to these supply chain problems, we’re paying more for everything. Thanks, Biden.”

Your Response: “I don’t know much about supply chains, but I do know that my running has really improved since I started strengthening my posterior chain. Seriously. What a difference.”

Potentially Explosive Remark: “The ‘woke left’ is hell-bent on destroying America.”

Your Response: “You think that’s bad? I woke at 5:30 this morning so I would have time to squeeze in a run before getting to work in the kitchen. The only thing I’m hell-bent on now is napping!”

Potentially Explosive Remark: “Abortion stops a beating heart.”

Your Response: “Funny story: Every time I go to the doctor or whatever and a nurse checks my vitals, they say, ‘Wow, your heart rate is really low, you must be a runner,’ and I’m, like, ‘Ha ha, guilty as charged.’ Because when you’re really fit, you have a low heart rate. Here. Put your finger on my wrist.”

Potentially Explosive Remark: “The election was stolen.”

Your Response: “I think I’m going to elect to steal another piece of pie. Later I’ll have a run-off! Get it?”

Potentially Explosive Remark: “Fauci is a liar.”

Your Response: “Fun fact: Anthony Fauci a runner. Dude is 80 years old and still gets out there 3.5 miles a day. Running is great because it’s like a mental and emotional safety valve. If I didn’t run before a big family gathering, for instance, it would be much harder for me to restrain myself after hearing certain comments from certain people at the table. Can someone please pass the potatoes?”

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Confused Runner Shows Up at Toyotathon

Mark Remy — Mon, 22 Nov 2021 16:50:53 GMT

Runner: Depositphotos.com

A runner who showed up at a local auto dealership Saturday expecting a foot race instead found a year-end sales event, Dumb Runner has learned.

Dan Fogelman, 32, called the name of the event—“Toyotathon”—misleading and confusing, blaming the dealership’s management for wasting his time.

“I see the suffix -thon, and I think running,” said Fogelman, a veteran of four marathons and nine half-marathons. “Not great deals on my favorite Toyota autos, with incentives like cash back, 0% APR on select SUVs, sedans, compacts, and trucks, and special lease deals.”

“Why couldn’t they call it ‘Toyota End-of-the-Year Sale’ or something like that?” he added.

Fogelman appeared at the dealership shortly after it opened at 7 a.m. dressed in running gear, warmed up and ready to race. Instead, he said, a salesperson beckoned him over to a 2021 RAV4 Hybrid.

“I tried telling the guy I was there to run, not to enjoy unbelievable savings on Toyota’s most popular models,” Fogelman said. “He just laughed.”

Fogelman, who jogged a few laps around the lot before running home, warned other runners not to make the same mistake he did.

“Next time you see a commercial with a lady telling you to ‘hurry in’ for an event ending in -thon,” he said, “don’t hurry. Take your time and check the fine print.”

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The Total Moron's Guide to Becoming a Runner

Dumb Runner Illustrated #32: D.P.M.

Mark Remy — Fri, 19 Nov 2021 01:57:27 GMT

Athletic Brewing Company Introduces Non-Caloric Gels

Mark Remy — Tue, 16 Nov 2021 19:23:26 GMT

Background Photo by Jamie Street on Unsplash

Athletic Brewing Company, best known as a maker of non-alcoholic beers, is entering the sports fuel market with a line of calorie-free gels, Dumb Runner has learned.

The company’s “Zero-Energy” gels will be sold wherever traditional sports fuel products are available, according to a news release, priced at $1.49 each or $26.99 for a case of 24.

“Athletic Brewing has enjoyed tremendous success as a brewer of non-alcoholic beer that doesn’t compromise on quality and taste,” said Gerry Rafferty, a spokesperson for Athletic Brewing and a longtime runner. “Our new non-caloric sports gels are a natural extension of our brand, and one that we’re very excited about.”

With flavors including Citrus, Raspberry, and Fresh Pine, the gels are aimed at “athletes who want all the great taste of a gel without the calories,” Rafferty said.

“We really think this will change the way athletes look at fueling,” he added.

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Duck Annoys Friends With Endless Talk About Running NYC Marathon

Mark Remy — Sat, 13 Nov 2021 17:28:23 GMT

Depositphotos.com

A duck seen in a viral video waddling alongside runners in last Sunday’s New York City Marathon has been “talking about it nonstop” ever since, Dumb Runner has learned, irritating fellow ducks and other animals in his barnyard home.

The duck, named after the book A Wrinkle in Time, became an internet sensation as social media users shared the video showing Wrinkle on the marathon course wearing what appear to be little red shoes.

“First of all, he keeps talking about the shoes,” said Gus, a duck who shares a pen with Wrinkle. “Apparently they were relatively new and he wore them anyway but then developed what he called a ‘hot spot’ that bothered him.”

“So he’s limping around because of that,” Gus said. “Like, conspicuously. Whenever someone asks what’s wrong, he launches into his marathon story. I’ve heard it, I think, a dozen times already.”

Wrinkle finds other excuses to talk about the marathon, sources said.

“He waddled up as I was having dinner,” said Gertrude, a hog who lives in a nearby sty. “Started talking about how he got so hungry during the marathon, all he could think about was grain. And then after he finished, he was surprised to discover that he really didn’t have much of an appetite, how mostly he was just thirsty.”

“And I’m all, like, That’s great, Wrinkle—may I please get back to eating my slop now?”

The farm that Wrinkle calls home has at least 18 other animals, including sheep, goats, chickens, and several dogs. All of them, sources said, have been avoiding Wrinkle since his return.

“If I have to hear one more time about the crowds in Brooklyn,” said Hamilton, a goat, “I’m going to scream.”

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Dumb Runner Poster #222

Mark Remy — Fri, 12 Nov 2021 01:46:35 GMT

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Dumb Runner Illustrated #31: Next

Mark Remy — Wed, 10 Nov 2021 14:09:55 GMT

NYC Marathon Finish Line Blocked by Tourists Looking for M&M’s Store

Mark Remy — Mon, 08 Nov 2021 15:41:52 GMT

Depositphotos/Photo Illustration

A group of tourists Sunday blundered onto the finish line of the New York City Marathon, authorities said, pausing four abreast to study a map and oblivious to what was happening around them.

“We’re still not sure how they accessed the finish line area,” Norman Mailer, a spokesman for the New York Road Runners, the group that organizes the marathon, told Dumb Runner. “But they did, and they caused signifiant annoyance for marathon finishers who had to get around them.”

The tourists, a family of four reportedly visiting from Ohio, appeared to be searching for the M&M's World store in Times Square. That store is at Broadway and 48th Street, some 18 blocks south of the marathon’s Central Park finish line.

After several minutes, they succeeded in locating the M&M’s store on their map, then traced its distance from the Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. At no point did the tourists appear to notice that they were effectively blocking the way for hundreds of irritated runners.

“In a word,” Mailer said, “these folks were clueless.”

After taking a few group selfies, the family wandered off in search of a cab, wondering aloud whether a lighted sign on the roof meant the cab was available or unavailable.

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Confused by Daylight Saving Time? Use This Chart

Mark Remy — Sat, 06 Nov 2021 10:09:00 GMT

Photo by Aphiwat chuangchoem from Pexels

For most of the country, Daylight Saving Time ends this year at 2 a.m. Sunday, November 7. This means most of us will move our clocks back one hour before going to bed Saturday night.

"Whoa," you might be saying. "Hold it, hold it. Back up. You lost me."

Ha ha. We know Daylight Saving Time can be confusing. That's why we developed this chart. Consult it Saturday night before you "hit the hay" and you can't go wrong.

HTML Table Cellpadding

If You Go to Bed at...	Change Your Clocks to...
9:00 p.m.	8:00 p.m.
9:30 p.m.	8:30 p.m.
10:00 p.m.	9:00 p.m.
10:30 p.m.	9:30 p.m.
11:00 p.m.	10:00 p.m.
11:30 p.m.	10:30 p.m.
12:00 a.m.	11:00 p.m.
12:30 a.m.	11:30 p.m.
1:00 a.m.	12:00 a.m.
1:30 a.m.	12:30 a.m.
2:00 a.m.	1:00 a.m.
2:30 a.m.	1:30 a.m.
3:00 a.m.	2:00 a.m.

If you don't go to bed at the top or bottom of the hour—if you go to bed, say, at 9:45 p.m. or 10:20 p.m.—contact your local authorities. They are best equipped to help you.

Dumb Runner Illustrated #30: Ghost

Mark Remy — Fri, 05 Nov 2021 15:23:00 GMT

Boston Marathon Says Runners in 2022 Must Be Vaccinated or Raise at Least $5,000 for Charity

Mark Remy — Wed, 03 Nov 2021 15:43:49 GMT

Depositphotos.com

Athletes hoping to run the 2022 Boston Marathon will be required to provide proof of vaccination, organizers said Tuesday, with one exception—runners who raise at least $5,000 for an approved charity.

“As we look to return to the traditional Patriots’ Day date for the first time since 2019 and allow for as many athletes to participate as safely as possible, we know that a fully vaccinated field is the appropriate requirement to implement,” Peter Sellers, a spokesperson for the Boston Athletic Association, said in a statement.

“Alternatively, a limited number of runners unable to meet that standard may still participate in 2022, via our Official Charity Program.”

Historically, the B.A.A.’s Charity Program has offered a path to participation for runners unable to meet the Boston Marathon’s tough qualifying standards. The new vaccination waivers, the statement said, are offered in that same spirit.

“Boston has always been about the pursuit of athletic excellence,” Sellers said. “But it’s also about tolerance and inclusion, and making room for runners who fall short of our own high standards for entry.”

In the end, he said, the exception for unvaccinated runners is all about “doing good.”

“Through its Official Charity Program,” said Sellers, “the B.A.A. recognizes the importance of strengthening our communities and raising vital funds for more than 40 nonprofit organizations that are out there every day, doing crucial work.”

Among runners on social media, reaction to the policy was mixed.

“What the f***?” Burt Kwouk, a five-time Boston finisher, wrote on Twitter. “This doesn’t make any sense.”

“YAY!” responded Herbert Lom, a vaccine skeptic who has run several marathons for charitable causes. “This is awesome news. So glad to hear the Boston Marathon won’t discriminate against people who refuse to be sheep.”

The 126th Boston Marathon is scheduled to take place Monday, April 18, 2022. For more on the event’s 2022 COVID vaccine waivers for charity runners, click here.

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Local Woman Running New York City Marathon to Raise Funds for New York City Marathon

Mark Remy — Mon, 01 Nov 2021 16:50:31 GMT

Depositphotos.com

When Isabel Sanford toes the line at this weekend’s New York City Marathon, she’ll be motivated by something more than personal glory or clocking a fast time. In fact, said the 28-year-old science teacher, those things will be far from her mind.

“This year,” Sanford said, “I’m running the New York City Marathon to raise funds for a cause that’s near and dear to my heart: the New York City Marathon.”

Sanford has already generated $295 for the event, which will mark its 50th running on Sunday, November 7. That is the entry fee for Americans who are not members of the New York Road Runners, which organizes the race. By the time she flies home afterward, Sanford said, she expects to have tripled that amount, at least, with purchases of official New York City Marathon merchandise, such as a race jacket, hat, tee, hoodie, and possibly a pair of NYC Marathon Edition FuelCell RC Elite v2 New Balance running shoes.

“All in,” Sanford said, “I think I can generate more than a thousand bucks.”

This will be Sanford’s sixth marathon, she said, but the first one she’s run for a cause—a twist that has helped the longtime runner remain motivated.

“Whenever I felt like cutting a workout short, or skipping a run,” she said, “I would remind myself that I was doing this for something bigger, that it wasn’t just about me.”

“It worked every time.”

Sanford said she expects that motivation to carry her to the finish line this Sunday, and beyond—she’s already looking ahead to her next charitable effort.

“I would love to run the Boston Marathon,” she said, “to raise money for the Boston Marathon.”

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The Dumb Runner 2022 Wall Calendar Is Now Available!

Mark Remy — Sat, 23 Oct 2021 00:03:13 GMT

Background Photo by Joe Woods on Unsplash

Hello friends,

I am delighted to announce the arrival of my 2022 Motivational Wall Calendar. As usual, this year’s calendar boasts many features, including:

All 12 months
100% Gregorian dates
Dazzling, full-color images
Quotes that may inspire you or confuse you or both
The only key date you need to know, i.e. my birthday
Standard calendar size (11 x 17 inches when open)
Hangin’ hole

Each month’s image and message are adapted from my laughably popular Motivational Posters, so if you (or your friends) like those, you (or they) will love this calendar.

Order Now!

Scroll through the gallery below to review all 12 months:

Order Now!

This calendar makes a terrific gift, and every purchase helps to keep Dumb Runner independent and ad-free. Ready to order? Click here!

Yours Truly,

Mark

New Headlamp Powerful, But Can’t Illuminate Running Partner’s Mysterious Past

Mark Remy — Wed, 20 Oct 2021 16:30:39 GMT

Depositphotos.com

A local woman’s newly purchased headlamp is powerful, Dumb Runner has learned, but it’s still not bright enough to shed light on her running partner’s dark, mysterious past.

“It’s sweet,” said Elizabeth Mitchell, 34, of the headlamp, a model from Black Diamond that has a maximum beam output of 500 lumens. “Very lightweight, great battery life, and super bright.”

“Even so, Kate’s backstory remains shrouded in darkness,” Mitchell said, referring to Kate Austen, a running partner she met about six months ago. “She’s a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside a tech shirt.”

Austen’s age is unknown, though she appears to be in her thirties. An online search yielded few clues regarding her hometown, college years, profession, or indeed anything at all she was doing before she “just popped up in the local running scene,” in Mitchell’s words, earlier this year.

“Don’t get me wrong,” Mitchell said. “Kate is an awesome person, very nice and all that, and a strong runner, too.”

“It’s just a little weird that she never talks about her background,” she said. “Like, ever. And every time I try to bring it up, she changes the subject.”

Among other local runners who know Austen, speculation about her past abounds—some think she’s a spy; others wonder whether she’s in the federal Witness Protection Program. And some have even more sinister theories.

“This might sound crazy,” said Jack Shephard, a runner who occasionally joins Mitchell and Austen for runs, “but I think she might have killed someone.”

Reached by phone for comment, Austen referred Dumb Runner to a “representative” at an address near the waterfront that turned out to be a vacant lot. A subsequent phone call revealed that the number had been disconnected.

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Psychopath Runner Owns One Pair of Running Shoes

Mark Remy — Mon, 18 Oct 2021 15:34:39 GMT

Depositphotos.com

A local runner owns just one pair of running shoes, authorities say, leading them to conclude that the man is a psychopath.

The runner was identified as Anthony Perkins, 32, a hospitality worker; the shoes reportedly are a well-worn pair of ASICS Gel-Nimbus. Authorities concluded they are the only running shoes he owns after poring over Perkins’ social media accounts and online race photos and interviewing other runners close to the situation.

“What kind of runner owns just one pair of running shoes?” said Janet Leigh, a spokesperson for the Department of Public Safety. “A psychopath, that’s what kind.”

“We strongly urge anyone who encounters this man to give him a wide berth,” she added. “Do not engage him—even if it’s to offer to buy him a second pair of shoes.”

Among local runners, reactions to the news ranged from alarm to befuddlement.

“How are you supposed to rotate your shoes if you only have one pair?” said Bernard Herrmann, 58, a longtime runner. “And what happens if you wear your shoes in the rain and then want to run the next day, but your shoes are still wet? What then?”

“This guy is a lunatic,” he said.

The case against Perkins could get even more damning, officials said—the Department of Public Safety is now investigating reports that Perkins has logged more than 500 miles on his running shoes.

“If that’s true,” Leigh said, “then we truly are dealing with a monster. God help us all.”

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Local Woman Discovers ‘Massager’ Really Is Massager

Mark Remy — Mon, 27 Sep 2021 17:28:43 GMT

A local woman who purchased a “massager” was disappointed this weekend to learn that the product is indeed a massager, Dumb Runner has learned.

Dolores Seinfeld, 37, made the discovery Sunday shortly after opening the box and testing the handheld tool, a Hyperice Hypervolt GO Massager.

“It was immediately apparent that this was not going to suit my needs,” said Seinfeld, who noted that the item was “way too powerful.”

“Like, it pummeled me,” she added.

Seinfeld said she ordered the device last week, after Googling “personal massager,” and was attracted by the Hypervolt GO’s product description, which mentions “whisper-quiet operation,” “interchangeable flat and bullet head attachments,” and its small size and portability.

A user review titled “Feels Amazing!” sealed the deal, she said.

Now, Seinfeld said, she’s feeling duped.

“I mean, yeah, the user manual says it’s intended for athletes and sore muscles and stuff,” she said. “But I read that and was, like, Yeah, right, OK.”

“Turns out, it really is for that sort of thing.”

Seinfeld said she’s unsure what to do now with the massager, which retails for $200.

“I don’t think I can return it,” she said. “Not after my test.”

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Local Masochist Annoyed That Running Hasn’t Ruined His Knees Yet

Mark Remy — Wed, 15 Sep 2021 16:34:57 GMT

DepositPhotos.com

A local masochist who took up running after hearing it would ruin his knees is growing impatient waiting for that to happen, Dumb Runner has learned.

John Mellencamp, 39, said he’s been running five times a week for more than a month and his knees feel fine. In fact, the lifelong lover of pain said, overall he’s never felt better.

“It’s so frustrating,” said Mellencamp. “I was told this would wreck my knees, which presumably would be super painful. I’m a month in, and so far, nothing.”

“I mean, sure, running can be uncomfortable and sometimes I do get bored,” he added. “But pain-wise? Let’s just say that running is about a dozen levels below hot-wax-dripped-on-your-scrotum.”

Mellencamp said he had never been much interested in exercise, but an offhand comment at a recent outdoor barbecue got his attention.

“This woman was talking about a marathon she was training for,” he said. “And some dude remarked that running would ruin her knees.”

“I was like, Hellooo? Running will ruin your knees, eh?”

Soon after, Mellencamp said, he bought a pair of running shoes—“a full size too small,” he noted—and set out for a three-miler. The lack of pain, he recounted, was immediately apparent, even with the tight shoes.

“It was such a letdown,” he said. “I went home and had to cheer myself up with some clamps on my nipples.”

Mellencamp said he’s not ready to give up quite yet, however.

“A buddy of mine just told me about something called ‘speed workouts,’” he said. “The way he described it, those sound promising.”

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Running Store Customer Checking Out Alphafly NEXT% Visibly Aroused

Mark Remy — Wed, 08 Sep 2021 13:48:33 GMT

Depositphotos.com/photo composite

A man in a local running store this morning was “visibly aroused” after taking a Nike Air Zoom Alphafly NEXT% shoe off the shelf and staring at it, Dumb Runner has learned.

The unidentified customer walked into Runner's Zone shortly after it opened at 10 a.m., staff members said, and headed directly for the high-tech shoe, gently plucking it from the shelf. The shoe retails for $275.

Soon after, they said, they noticed the outward manifestation of the man’s excitement.

“We were at the front counter, which is, like, 20 feet away, and we could totally see it,” said one sales associate, who requested anonymity. “Gross.”

“Oh my God,” said another sales associate, who also asked to remain nameless. “Eww.”

Neither approached the man or asked whether he needed help. At one point, they said, he appeared to stroke the shoe and whisper something to it. Eventually, they said, the man returned the shoe to its shelf and left without making a purchase.

Reached for comment, Runner’s Zone owner Gordon Lightfoot confirmed the story.

“Yes, an individual did enter our store today and spent considerable time examining a display model of the Alphafly NEXT%,” said Lightfoot. “And yes, this individual was tumescent.”

Lightfoot called the incident “unfortunate” and stressed that Runner’s Zone prohibits customers from taking unpaid merchandise with them into the store’s restroom.

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Dumb Runner Poster #221

Mark Remy — Fri, 27 Aug 2021 16:38:27 GMT

Photo by Sora Sagano on Unsplash

FDA Fully Approves Gummy Bears for Long Run Use

Mark Remy — Wed, 25 Aug 2021 17:45:30 GMT

Depositphotos.com

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration today announced it has granted full approval of gummy bears for use as long run fuel, calling the chewy, fruit-flavored candies “safe and effective alternatives to sports-nutrition products such as energy gels, chews, and the like.”

Before today’s decision, the agency had allowed runners to consume gummy bears during long runs and races under an emergency use authorization, or EUA. Some runners had been reluctant to try the sweet treats under that provision, worried that such use was “experimental” and possibly unsafe.

The FDA’s full approval should allay those fears, experts said.

“If you are a runner who hasn’t used gummy bears to fuel your long runs and races because they did not have full FDA approval, well, now they do,” said Polly Noonan, Pd.D., a professor of gelatinous sucrose studies at Rooney University. “You have no more excuses.”

Overwhelmingly, however, runners cheered the announcement—as did the gummy bear industry.

“We welcome news of the FDA’s full approval of our sweet, carb-dense product for sports nutrition use,” said Dee Dee Rescher, president of the American Gummy Council, a trade group. “We have known all along that gummy bears are not just delicious but a fun, reliable way for endurance athletes to fuel long runs. And now, it’s official.”

Still, a few runners remained wary.

“No way,” said one such skeptic, Jeffrey Jones, in a Facebook post. “My cousin is an ER doctor and she says she saw someone recently who was using gummy bears on a long run and got hit by a car.”

“But the [mainstream media] doesn’t want you to hear stories like that.”

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Woman Pouring Glass of Wine at 4 p.m. Starting to Think Run Not Happening Today

Mark Remy — Mon, 23 Aug 2021 14:42:02 GMT

Depositphotos.com

A local woman who intended to go for a run today acknowledged that likely won’t happen, Dumb Runner has learned, as she helped herself to a glass of wine around 4 p.m.

“It’s five o’clock somewhere,” Margaret Thatcher, 33, muttered to herself as she poured the wine, reportedly an Oregon pinot noir, in her kitchen. “In fact, it’s five o’clock just one time zone over.”

Thatcher then swirled the wine in its glass, sniffed it deeply, and sipped.

“I’m running out of time to squeeze in that run,” she added.

Sources said Thatcher, a longtime runner and veteran of four marathons, had been planning to run her usual neighborhood route early this morning. Instead, the sources said, she slept in. The run didn’t happen at lunchtime, either, they said.

After an afternoon of work and two virtual meetings, the sources said, Thatcher looked at the clock, sighed, and took a wineglass from her cupboard.

“I’ll run extra tomorrow,” she said as she filled the glass, breathing deep. “For sure.”

“Cheers,” she whispered.

At last report, Thatcher was turning on some music and pouring herself a second glass of wine.

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Angel, Devil Both Make Compelling Case for Skipping Run

Dumb Runner Poster #220

Mark Remy — Fri, 13 Aug 2021 14:17:58 GMT

Photo by Lukasz Szmigiel on Unsplash

Ask Dr. Dumb: Porridge!

Mark Remy — Tue, 10 Aug 2021 13:46:24 GMT

Readers, when was the last time you thought about porridge? Not in the context of fairy tales involving bears, I mean?

I’m guessing you pretty much never think of porridge, which is why you will never be an Olympic-caliber athlete. I say this because Olympic marathoners apparently are cuckoo for the stuff, as shown in a story I saw recently titled Scots Olympic Marathon Star Brings Own Porridge Supply to Japan.

You can read the full story at the link, but the gist is that (a.) a marathoner named Stephanie Davis brought along her own porridge from Scotland to compete in the Tokyo Games because (b.) she is a self-described “porridge fiend” and (c.) there is a shortage of porridge in Japan. (Davis would go on to finish 39th, in a time of 2:36:33.)

To learn more, we called up our go-to hot cereal expert and fairy tale enthusiast, Dr. Dumb.

Dumb Runner: Doctor, thank you for joining us.
Dr. Dumb: You’re welcome. Or, as they say in Scotland, “You’re welcome.”

That was the worst Scottish accent I’ve ever heard.
Awa' an bile yer heid!

My first question isn’t a question so much as an observation: “Shortage of porridge” rhymes.
That is correct. It’s also fun to say. Shortage of porridge! Shortage of porridge!

What is porridge, anyway?
I have researched this question extensively and have concluded that porridge is oatmeal.

Like, they’re the same thing?
Basically, yes.

Why don’t people in Scotland just call it oatmeal then?
Why don’t you just call it porridge?

Touché. Does Scotland have a rich history where hot oats are concerned?
Yes! According to a product description for Bob’s Red Mill brand Organic Scottish Oatmeal, “Oatmeal originated in Scotland centuries ago and was different from our modern rolled oats. A coarse meal was produced by slowly grinding the kernel between two large mill stones. Our Scottish Oatmeal is produced in the same old fashioned way and contains all the health giving nutrients of the best quality oats from which it was ground--the germ, the oil and the fiber. The result is a surprisingly unique and flavorful hot cereal.”

Scottish oatmeal sounds superior to other kinds.
Yes indeed. When it comes to oatmeal, if it’s not Scottish, it’s crap.

Regarding the Scottish product pictured above, I have a few questions: Who is Scott? Why is there a shot-putter on the package? And what’s with spelling it porage?
Scott is the owner of the company, and an avid shot-putter. That’s him on the package. Scott is also a jokester, hence the egregious typo.

Is Scott wearing underwear beneath that kilt?
Nope.

Well, doctor, I’m afraid we’ve run out of time, which means we won’t get around to discussing other fun international breakfast products we found, such as Ready Brek, Kölln Flocken, and Pompanoosuc Porridge. Let’s talk again soon.
Aye. Lang may yer lum reek!

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In Latest Tokyo Olympics Scandal, Marathon Runs Out of Size Medium Finisher Shirts

Mark Remy — Thu, 05 Aug 2021 20:46:49 GMT

Fake

The Tokyo Summer Olympics, already beset by numerous snafus and scandals, faced another embarrassing setback today when athletes learned the event had run out of official Olympic Marathon Finisher shirts in men’s size medium.

“WTF?” wrote one exasperated marathoner on Twitter. “We’re ALL size medium! How does this happen?”

Others complained that they expected better from a race with a $175 nonrefundable entry fee.

“What are we paying for, exactly?” a British marathoner wrote in an Instagram post.

Organizers yet again found themselves in damage control mode, apologizing for the inconvenience and promising to mail finishers their shirts “as soon as possible following the event.” They cited supply chain issues for the shortage of medium shirts.

“We do have plenty of XLs,” they said in a statement published online, using the abbreviation for extra-large. “Which you could always use as a night shirt, for example.”

On a related note, rumors swirled that the Olympic Marathon’s finishers medals had not yet arrived in Tokyo as of Thursday afternoon. Those rumors could not be confirmed.

The women’s Olympic Marathon is scheduled for 6 a.m. Saturday, August 7 local time (2 p.m. Pacific, Friday, August 6, in the United States); the men’s, for 7 a.m. Sunday, August 8 local time (3 p.m. Pacific, Saturday, August 7, in the U.S.).

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Angel, Devil Both Make Compelling Case for Skipping Run

Mark Remy — Mon, 02 Aug 2021 14:30:11 GMT

Depositphotos.com

A local runner this morning found herself caught in the middle of two inner voices, both urging her to take the same course of action.

Diana Prince, 36, had planned to run six miles but woke up feeling unmotivated—a feeling that only grew over the course of her morning, she said.

“I was going to head out at lunchtime,” Prince told Dumb Runner by phone. “But I was just not feeling it. At all.”

By noon, Prince said, she knew she had to make a decision.

“Suddenly, it was like a tiny devil appeared on my shoulder,” she said, “like in the movies or something. The devil told me to skip the run and have a nap or something instead, and mentioned that missing one little run wouldn’t hurt me, in the grand scheme of things.”

Immediately after that, said Prince, a tiny angel appeared on the opposite shoulder.

“The angel thought for a moment, then said the devil actually had a good point,” she said. “She reminded me that rest and recovery are part of training, too, and that it’s important to listen to your body.”

The angel endorsed the idea of a nap, citing the restorative benefits of a short midday snooze, and Prince ultimately followed that advice.

At last report, Prince had curled up on her couch and woken up 90 minutes later, feeling groggy and sore.

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Old Runner Has Old Jacket

Mark Remy — Wed, 21 Jul 2021 15:33:53 GMT

SyntaxCollective (jacket); Depositphotos.com

A local runner described as “getting up there in years” still wears a running jacket he purchased decades ago, Dumb Runner has learned.

Tim Rice, 76, bought the jacket, a nylon Nike windbreaker in teal, purple, white, and yellow, via mail order in 1990, sources said.

“It’s pretty wild,” said Andrew Webber, 28, a fellow runner who often sees Rice on training runs and at local races. “At first I assumed it was an ironic thing, like, Wow, check out that crazy retro jacket. But no. Apparently it’s just really old and he never threw it away.”

Observers described the jacket as baggy, not breathable, and looking “like it came out of a freaking time machine.”

“I mean, the color scheme alone is just, I dunno, so ’90s,” said Webber. “Honestly, it’s like, if the 1990s were an article of clothing, it would be this jacket.”

Rice, who does not own a cell phone or use email, could not be reached for comment.

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Man Packing for Beachside Vacation Hilariously Includes Running Gear

Mark Remy — Wed, 14 Jul 2021 15:09:38 GMT

DEPOSITPHOTOS.COM

A local man packing this morning for a five-day vacation decided to include a pair of running shoes, two pairs of shorts, and two technical tees, Dumb Runner has learned, apparently believing he will actually run during his time away.

Matt LaFleur, 35, a cheese importer and veteran of four half-marathons, was preparing for a stay at an all-inclusive beachfront resort in Los Cabos, Mexico. Sources called it “exceedingly unlikely” that he would run while there.

“I know Matt,” said one source, who requested anonymity. “He’s 50/50 on skipping his runs here at home, just on an average day. Does he really think he’s going to head out for a 5-miler when he’s on vacation at a place with breakfast buffets, ocean views, and not one but three swim-up bars?”

“Please,” the source added.

LaFleur has a long history of including running shoes when packing for trips and then not touching them until he unpacks upon returning home.

“He’s got to know, deep down, that he’s not going to run during his trip,” said another source close to LaFleur. “To my knowledge, he never has.”

“I don’t know if it’s a ‘hope springs eternal’ thing or just a form of denial. Either way, it’s sad.”

Reached for comment, LaFleur said he was looking forward to his vacation.

“It’ll be good to get away and relax for a few days,” he told Dumb Runner. “And I can’t wait to squeeze in a couple of runs.”

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Ask Dr. Dumb: Should I Join the Jump Rope Craze?

Mark Remy — Wed, 07 Jul 2021 16:54:30 GMT

Depositphotos.com

Friends, I am sure I don’t have to tell you this, but there is a jump rope craze sweeping the nation. In bold! I can say, without a trace of hyperbole, that this is, by far, the biggest craze to sweep any nation, ever. Bigger even than the Baby Fish Mouth craze of 1989.

Seriously, though, jumping rope is all anyone is talking about. If you don’t believe me, perhaps you’ll believe CNN:

What’s behind this craze? Is there a hashtag associated with it? And, most urgent of all, should you join? To answer these questions and more, we checked in with our go-to expert on ropes, jumping, and crazed behavior, Dr. Dumb.

Dumb Runner: Dr. Dumb, thank you for joining us to discuss this craze.
Dr. Dumb: You’re welcome. By the way, that noise you hear in the background is me jumping rope.

It sounds like you have joined this craze!
Absolutely. Jumping rope is terrific. It’s an efficient way to burn calories, and you can do it anywhere—while brushing your teeth, waiting in line at the supermarket, during elevator rides, you name it. I like to keep a jump rope in my car so I can hop out at red lights and squeeze in a quick workout.

Any other advantages?
Oh yes. After you’ve jumped rope, you can tell friends that you decided to skip your workout and then laugh and laugh. It never gets old.

If I don’t have a jump rope, could I get the same results simply by jumping in place for 10 minutes?
No. That would be silly. You need to jump in place using a rope.

Can I use just any rope?
Sure… if you’re lazy and looking for a terrible experience and not serious about Getting Fit.

What would you recommend?
I recommend what the influencers and trainers behind this craze recommend: Spending a lot of money for a special jump rope, such as the Rx Smart Gear EVO G2 Speed Rope ($150). In fact, buy two. Just in case.

Is there such a thing as a battery-powered “smart” jump rope that connects to a mobile app via Bluetooth and tracks things like jump count, calories burned, and time spent jumping?
Yes.

Did you discover this product via a glowing online “review” of jump ropes that uses affiliate links, meaning that the publisher of the review gets a percentage of any sales generated by said review?
Yes.

Apart from burning more calories than jogging, what advantages does jumping rope have over heading out for a run?
So many. For instance, when you’re jumping rope you don’t have time to be alone with your thoughts.

That’s an advantage?
According to the professional jump rope influencer quoted in that CNN article, yes. In her own words: "If you're going on a run, you think about other stuff in your life and problems. Whereas when I go out and jump rope, you just focus on that.”

I’ve always thought that part of running’s appeal is that it gives me uninterrupted time to think through stuff that’s been bothering me.
Well, you’re wrong. Think about that for a while.

Doctor, in doing research for this interview—
Wait. You do research for these things?

Well, I Google. Anyway, I found a video from the BBC about a “jump rope craze” but it was from December 2019. Is the current jump rope craze distinct from that one, or a continuation of it?
Great question. The current jump rope craze is totally different from the 2019 jump rope craze.

What’s the difference between them?
About two years.

Doctor, as always, it’s been a pleasure. I’m glad you didn’t skip our chat.
I don’t get it.

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Dumb Runner Poster #219

Mark Remy — Fri, 18 Jun 2021 14:29:26 GMT

Photo by Vincent van Zalinge on Unsplash

Ransomware Attack Shuts Down Major GU Pipeline

Mark Remy — Mon, 07 Jun 2021 15:25:56 GMT

DepositPhotos.com

Hackers compromised a major U.S. energy gel pipeline Sunday, Dumb Runner has learned, shutting it down and demanding an undisclosed sum to return it to operation. The attack threatened the fuel supply to millions of endurance athletes and spurred panic buying across several states.

It remains unclear when the pipeline will reopen.

“An unknown group compromised the internal computer network of GU Energy Labs and, at some point late Saturday or early Sunday, assumed control of our main pipeline,” Robert Del Naja, a GU spokesperson, said in a statement. “We are in communications with a representative of the group to resolve the situation.”

The pipeline runs nearly 3,500 miles from Texas to New York, carrying more than a million barrels of energy gel per day.

As news of the shutdown spread, anxious runners scrambled to purchase GU wherever they could find it.

“Heck yes, I’m worried,” said Andrew Vowles, 35, a runner in Richmond, Virginia, camped out at his local running store hours before it opened this morning. “I don’t know how long this is going to last, so I’m buying as much as they’ll sell me.”

“Can’t run without fuel,” he added.

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Report: Ice Most Effective as Injury Treatment When Combined With Whiskey

Mark Remy — Tue, 01 Jun 2021 15:11:30 GMT

Depositphotos.com

For decades, runners have been applying ice to injured muscles in an effort to speed recovery, despite the fact that doing so is dumb. Now comes a new study suggesting that ice may indeed be useful for injured runners—in one very specific application.

“We have concluded that injured runners can indeed find relief in ice,” said Brian Flanagan, Ph.D., a professor of exercise mixology at the University of Jamaica. “The trick—and this is counterintuitive—is to bypass the site of the injury and to combine the ice, in cube form, with a couple of ounces of whiskey.”

The resulting medicinal fluid, Flanagan said, should be taken orally.

“In our study,” he said, “subjects felt better almost immediately.”

The therapy isn’t without risks. Flanagan said side effects may include excessive talkativeness, lowered inhibitions, loss of balance, and drowsiness. Overuse can result in severe headaches and remorse the following day.

Used judiciously, however, Flanagan said the therapy “shows great promise in the treatment of injuries.”

Flanagan said his team experimented with other components, such as one involving tequila, Triple Sec, lime juice, lemon juice, sugar, and a salted rim.

Results, he said, were mixed.

The study appears in this week’s issue of the Journal of American Movie References.

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Study Finds Sole of Alphafly NEXT% Shoe Is ‘All Kinds of F***ed Up’

Mark Remy — Wed, 26 May 2021 13:51:55 GMT

The sole of Nike’s Alphafly NEXT% shoe is “all kinds of fucked up,” according to a new months-long study by a team of researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

“As scientists, we have seen some crazy-ass stuff in our time,” said Tina Yothers, Ph.D., an MIT professor and the study’s lead author. “But this shoe really takes the cake.”

“I mean, just look at this fucking thing,” she added.

To conduct their study, Yothers and her team bought a pair of Alphafly NEXT% shoes, which retail for $275, and looked at them from several angles in their lab. The analysis, said Yothers, led them to conclude that the Alphafly NEXT% is bonkers.

Specifically, the team found, the shoe’s sole “is, like, a foot thick,” “goes all swoopy and pointy, for some reason, in the back,” and “gets all wide and splayed-ass in the front, which, we were all, like, What the fuck?”

The team also singled out “this big, knobby module thingy” under the ball of the foot with a “translucent sort of window, we guess so you can see the technology or something.”

“We can now say definitively that this is one fucked-up-looking shoe,” Yothers said. “Yowza.”

The study will be published in next week’s issue of The Journal of Weird-Looking Shit.

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Dumb Runner Poster #218

Mark Remy — Fri, 23 Apr 2021 14:58:06 GMT

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Online Running Store Actively Tries to Discourage Purchase of Short Shorts

Mark Remy — Wed, 14 Apr 2021 15:26:54 GMT

Background Photo by @cottonbro/Pexels

A local man trying to buy a pair of 1-inch split shorts today faced an unexpected hurdle, Dumb Runner has learned—the very retailer offering the product for sale.

Tom Austin, 51, attempted the purchase from his home, where he’d been browsing running gear at SwiftSoles.com, an online running store. Sources said he had successfully added a long-sleeved technical top and three pairs of socks to his shopping cart when he selected a pair of “short shorts” in size large, clicked the ADD TO CART button, and hit the roadblock.

“Are you sure about this?” read a pop-up message. “We have to ask, because wow.”

The message, a source told Dumb Runner, was a reference to the revealing nature of the skimpy shorts, which “leave little to the imagination.”

“Very, very few men could pull these things off,” the source said.

Austin, who seemed taken aback by the pop-up, eventually clicked “Yes,” meaning he did indeed wish to add the shorts to his cart. A second pop-up appeared, suggesting several other pairs of running shorts in lengths from five to nine inches. After closing that pop-up, Austin was able to complete his purchase.

Moments later, the source said, he received a text message from a Swift Soles employee.

“Hi, Tom, it’s Bill from Swift Soles,” the message read. “Got ur order.”

“U really want these shorts?”

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Running Store Employee Still Laughing About Guy Who Came In Looking For Shoes Under $50

Mark Remy — Mon, 05 Apr 2021 15:26:35 GMT

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An employee at a local running store is still laughing about an interaction with a customer that occurred last Saturday, Dumb Runner has learned.

Christian Louboutin, 28, a sales associate at Runner's Zone, said the customer—a man who said he was “trying to get into running”—walked into the store around lunchtime.

“He seemed a little unsure,” said Louboutin, “so I walked over, greeted him, and asked if I could help him find something.”

Louboutin wasn’t prepared for what happened next.

“Dude looks right at me,” he said, “and says, ‘Yeah, I’m looking for running shoes.’”

Louboutin paused for effect.

“‘Ideally,’ he tells me, ‘for under $50.’”

The response left Louboutin doubled over in laughter.

“I thought I was going to pee myself,” he said. “For real.”

At some point during Louboutin’s laughing fit, the customer left. Thinking about the incident later, Louboutin said, he wondered whether a friend or coworker had arranged the whole thing as a practical joke.

“Either way, it was hilarious,” he said. “Fifty dollars. Classic.”

“I still laugh when I think about it.”

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‘Long Runs Really Give Me Time to Think,’ Says Man Who Spends Most of His Long Runs Thinking About Waffles

Mark Remy — Wed, 31 Mar 2021 15:33:49 GMT

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A local man who says he “gets a lot of thinking done” on his weekly long runs spends most of that time thinking about waffles, Dumb Runner has learned.

Tom Forkner, 38, said that between his work schedule and an infant daughter at home, he doesn’t get much time to himself—until the weekend rolls around. That’s when the attorney and eight-time marathoner will log up to 20 miles, usually alone and on quiet roads or trails.

“That’s my ‘me time,’” Forkner said. “Just two or three hours, uninterrupted, to ruminate and reflect. I get a lot of thinking done on my long runs.”

“Mostly,” he added, “I think about the waffles I’ll eat when I’m done.”

“With butter and syrup,” he added. “Fresh berries. Whipped cream. With bacon. And a side of sausage.”

“Maybe a milkshake.”

Forkner said he sometimes tries to turn his attention to weightier matters, like family issues, current events, or perhaps a vexing challenge at work. But inevitably, he said, his thoughts return to waffles.

“Belgian waffles,” he said. “The big kind. Kind of crispy on the outside, but light and fluffy on the inside. Still hot from the waffle iron.”

“And maybe, instead of fresh berries, some warm berry compote.”

In fairness, said Forkner, he does occasionally mix it up.

“Sometimes,” he said, “I think about pancakes. With blueberries. Bacon. And a milkshake.”

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Mark Remy — Fri, 26 Mar 2021 12:41:14 GMT

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‘Running Is My Jaw Session With a Head Shrinker,’ Says Hardboiled Detective

Mark Remy — Wed, 17 Mar 2021 16:56:27 GMT

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A local detective last night told an associate that without his regular thrice-weekly runs he would likely be a hop-head by now, or hitting the hooch even harder than he already does.

Dumb Runner learned of the conversation from someone close to the associate, who asked to be identified only as a dame with gams that wouldn’t quit.

“Before I started running, I was really in dutch,” said Rigby Reardon, 44, a 15-year veteran of the force who plays by his own rules and gets results. “Feeding my trap at greasy spoons, always sucking on a gasper, staying out all night with some lacquered chippie.”

He poured himself a glass of bourbon.

“I was ready to go off my nut,” Reardon said, draining the glass in one gulp. “We’re talking a one-way ticket to the loony bin, sister. No stops. Express.”

“That is, if a bum pump or a slug from a redhot didn’t deep-six me first.”

Reardon, wearing a grimace, laughed.

That all changed about two years ago, however, when a friend introduced Reardon to running. The two trained for a local 5K together, and he has been running faithfully at least three times a week ever since.

“Now, I’m hitting on all eight,” he said. “Everything’s jake.”

Running, said Reardon, has kept him physically fit and—at least as important—mentally and emotionally healthy.

“Running is my jaw session with a head shrinker,” he said, pouring himself another bourbon. “Keeps me level, see? That’s no spaghetti.”

As the conversation wore down, the associate asked Reardon if he had any FKTs on Strava.

Reardon responded with a crooked smile.

“Huh?” he said. “What the hell kind of weird jargon is that?”

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Track Workout About to Wipe Stupid Smile Off Local Runner’s Face

Mark Remy — Mon, 15 Mar 2021 14:35:50 GMT

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A local runner is grinning while he still can, a source told Dumb Runner, before an intense speed workout “wipes that stupid smile off his face.”

The runner, Arthur Fleck, 28, reportedly is training for a half-marathon. Today’s workout, the source said, calls for a one-mile warmup followed by 12 400-meter repeats and a one-mile cooldown. Fleck will aim to run each 400-meter repeat in 85 seconds.

“He won’t be smiling much longer,” the source said of Fleck, who had just completed his warmup and was preparing to begin his first of the 12 repeats. “Poor bastard.”

Experts agreed that Fleck’s upbeat mood wouldn’t last.

“Generally speaking, most runners find it difficult to smile while doing 400-meter repeats,” said Sophie Dumond, M.D., director of pain management at Gotham General Hospital. “I predict (Fleck) will lose his chipper attitude somewhere in the first 50 meters of his first repeat, as his body understands what it’s in for.”

At that moment, she said, reality will hit Fleck like a tidal wave, replacing his toothy grin with a twisted mask of pain that he’ll wear for the duration of the workout. By the time he finishes his final repeat, said Dr. Dumond, Fleck will be a shell of his former self, his original pleasant demeanor a distant, cruel memory.

“At that point,” she said, “he’ll be lucky if he can even remember how to smile.”

When that happens, at least one person will be there to witness it—the source who first alerted Dumb Runner to this story.

“I’m definitely staying to watch,” the source said, adding that he’d brought snacks. “This ought to be good.”

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Dumb Runner Poster #216

Mark Remy — Fri, 12 Mar 2021 14:47:15 GMT

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Dumb Runner Poster #215

Mark Remy — Fri, 26 Feb 2021 00:17:09 GMT

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7 Foods to Eat After Your Run

Mark Remy — Wed, 24 Feb 2021 15:47:28 GMT

As a runner, you know how important good fueling is—what you eat before and during a run is crucial. But did you know that what you eat post-run matters, too?

After a hard workout, your body needs nutrients like sodium and deliciousness. Here are seven terrific, runner-friendly foods that deliver the goods.

Photo by veeterzy from Pexels

1. Blueberries

Packed with antioxidants, these berries are blue. In fact, nutrition writers used to call blueberries “superfoods” before that word fell out of favor as people realized it was meaningless!

Pair with: Pie crust, sugar, a bit of lemon juice

Where to buy: Blueberry store

Photo via McDonald’s

2. McDonald’s Fries

Golden, hot, and salty, McDonald’s fries are hard to beat after a run. (Check the bottom of the bag for strays!)

Pair with: McFlurry with OREO Cookies

Where to buy: McDonald’s

Photo via Wendy’s

3. Wendy’s Fries

These fries have bits of real potato skin on the ends, adding a fiber boost.

Pair with: Chocolate Frosty, for dipping

Where to buy: Wendy’s

Photo via White Castle

4. White Castle Fries

Sports nutrition experts call this style of fry “crinkle cut,” and many believe the added texture boosts each fry’s fun factor by as much as 30 percent.

Pair with: McDonald’s fries

Where to buy: White Castle

Photo via Burger King

5. Burger King Fries

Let’s be honest. These are not the best fries. But you know what? If you’re near a Burger King and really hungry, you’ll gladly eat them. Also, you can ask for one of those cardboard crowns. (They still have those, right?)

Pair with: Ketchup

Where to buy: Burger King

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6. Chips

Also known as “fries,” these British imports are tasty and satisfying.

Pair with: Fried fish

Where to buy: Pubs

Photo via Five guys burgers and fries

7. Five Guys French fries

Prepared in peanut oil, these fresh-cut fries sound vaguely healthy somehow. Peanuts have “good” fat, right?

Pair with: Little Bacon Cheeseburger

Where to buy: Five Guys Burgers and Fries

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Owner of 7 Running Jackets ‘Just Looking’ at Running Jackets

Mark Remy — Wed, 10 Feb 2021 16:17:54 GMT

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A local man who already owns seven running jackets was seen yesterday viewing running jackets for sale online, Dumb Runner has learned.

James Edward Olliges, 38, a freelance designer and longtime runner, insisted that he was “just looking, you know, for fun.”

“I mean, it’s not like I need another jacket,” Olliges added. “Ha ha.”

Olliges’ current wardrobe includes running jackets from Brooks, Mizuno, Nike, and New Balance, according to a source. All are in good condition.

“But this one isn’t a running jacket, exactly,” said Olliges, speaking of the Patagonia Houdini jacket on his screen at the time. “More of a general outdoorsy jacket, like for hiking or just general everyday use, with a pair of jeans or something.”

He paused.

“This would look really good with a pair of jeans.”

Noting that the Patagonia jacket was on sale in Industrial Green, but that he really loved it in Hot Ember, Olliges scrolled down to read the product description.

“Oh, cool,” he muttered. “It packs down into its own chest pocket?”

At last report, Olliges was taking a credit card from his wallet.

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Dumb Runner Poster #214

Mark Remy — Fri, 05 Feb 2021 14:04:26 GMT

Photo by Daniel Leone on Unsplash

'Baby’s First Strava' Aimed at Social-Minded, Data-Loving Infants

Mark Remy — Mon, 25 Jan 2021 16:27:03 GMT

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Strava, maker of the popular fitness app that connects athletes online and lets them track and share their workout data, said today it’s launching a product aimed at children under three years old—a colorful plastic “laptop” called Baby’s First Strava.

It is the company’s first physical product as well as its first foray into the children’s market.

“We are pleased to announce the ‘birth’ of Baby’s First Strava,” said Zachary Taylor, the company’s vice president of product development. “Now our grown-up users can introduce the thrill of tracking data and connecting with like-minded friends to their offspring.”

“It’s kudos for kiddos,” he added.

At first glance, Baby’s First Strava looks like any other electronic baby toy. A closer look, however, reveals buttons for such activities as playing with a ball, crawling, and scooting around in a walker. A large mouse lets users navigate a colorful dashboard where they can review their history of activity and comment on friends’ “workouts.”

“Don’t let the whimsical interface fool you,” said Taylor. “Baby’s First Strava is a robust, wifi-enabled tool that lets babies record, track, and share fitness data with other babies all over the world.”

“Plus, it’s drool-proof.”

Baby’s First Strava retails for $199 and requires two AA batteries (not included).

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Dumb Runner Poster #213

Mark Remy — Fri, 15 Jan 2021 00:39:41 GMT

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Local Runner Always Has Something He’s Trying to ‘Sweat Out’

Mark Remy — Wed, 13 Jan 2021 15:03:13 GMT

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A local man used his morning run today to “sweat out” the effects of the previous night’s drinking, Dumb Runner has learned—the latest in a long line of such efforts.

Ted Striker, 36, drank “several” beers during a Zoom happy hour with friends last night, a source said, capping the evening with tequila shots. Afterward, he reportedly ate an entire frozen meat-lover’s pizza.

“Oh man,” Striker said upon waking this morning, badly hung over. “I’ve gotta sweat this out.”

It was not immediately clear, after his four-mile run, whether Striker succeeded in sweating out anything other than sweat.

According to the source, Striker has long relied on perspiration to undo the effects of his drinking and dietary habits. Among the things Striker has recently had to sweat out, the source said, are a plate of chili cheese dogs, a family-size serving of loaded nachos, a pulled-pork sandwich topped with onion rings, four McDonald's Sausage McMuffins, and takeout chicken curry.

Reached by phone, Striker said he felt much better after his run.

“That was just what the doctor ordered,” he said. “I really sweated it out.”

Striker said he expected to run again tomorrow morning, and in the meantime was looking forward to settling in at home tonight with a movie and “a huge plate of leftover pork lo mein.”

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New Peloton Feature Lets Users Terrify Virtual Runners by Passing Way Too Close

Mark Remy — Wed, 06 Jan 2021 16:08:38 GMT

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Peloton, maker of the interactive stationary bikes whose popularity has soared during coronavirus lockdowns and gym closures, announced a suite of new features today meant to give riders a more realistic experience, Dumb Runner has learned.

The features, collectively called Real Ride™, gives users the chance to interact with virtual pedestrians during their “rides,” including the ability to approach runners from behind and race past them, without warning, within inches of their shoulders, provoking gasps, yelps, and shouted curses.

“Our signature bikes and streaming classes have always provided a top-notch cardio workout in the comfort of your own home,” said Jacques Anquetil, Peloton’s chief innovation officer. “These new features take that experience to the next level.”

In addition to the “passing way too close” feature, Anquetil said, the Real Ride™ suite allows riders to:

anger motorists by riding two, three, or four abreast on narrow, winding roads;
bike down crowded sidewalks;
blow “snot rockets” that hit the virtual cyclist behind them;
navigate glass-strewn bike lanes;
engage in games of chicken with oncoming runners on multi-use paths;
dodge plastic bottles and other items thrown from the windows of passing cars; and
pause the ride for 10 minutes to repair a flat virtual tire in a virtual rain storm.

“Essentially, these features let Peloton riders feel as if they’re truly on the road, with every sensory experience that entails,” said Anquetil. “All without leaving their home.”

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Local Runner Kicks Off 2021 With First Injury of the Year

Mark Remy — Fri, 01 Jan 2021 17:35:00 GMT

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While many of us were sleeping off hangovers this morning, a local man woke early, laced up his running shoes, and inaugurated the New Year with a crippling injury.

Eddie Rabbit, 34, said he opted to forgo New Year's Eve parties last night so he'd be ready to spring out of bed and "hit the road" to ring in 2021. He made it about a mile and a half before piercing pain in his right knee ended his run.

"I don't get it," Rabbit told Dumb Runner. "I was plenty rested, since I took November and December off completely. And I felt great when I started. In fact, I did the first mile in 6:23. But then my knee started feeling funny."

Rabbit said he ignored the twinge in his knee at first. But the "funny feeling" quickly grew painful, ending his run prematurely.

He turned around and limped back home.

"Probably should have worn my compression tights," he said later. "Or stretched harder before I headed out."

In any case, Rabbit said, he remains undaunted.

"It's all good," he said. "I'll take another month off and try again in February."

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Slow Runner Has Fast Shoes

Mark Remy — Mon, 21 Dec 2020 16:47:13 GMT

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A local runner is slow but has fast shoes, Dumb Runner has learned.

Dan Fogelberg, 32, a self-described “back-of-the-packer,” bought the shoes last week, sources said. The shoes, identified as Nike ZoomX Vaporfly Next%, retail for $250. According to Nike’s website, the footwear “clears your path to record-breaking speed with a lighter design and faster feel.”

Reached for comment, Fogelberg said he hopes the shoes will carry him to a 5K PR, noting that even his walk breaks will be faster, thanks to his shoes.

“I feel fast just wearing them,” he said. “Well, not fast, exactly. A little less slow.”

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Dumb Runner Poster #212

Mark Remy — Thu, 10 Dec 2020 20:42:54 GMT

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Beach Runner Regrets Eating That Thing She Found

Mark Remy — Mon, 07 Dec 2020 15:20:57 GMT

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A woman is having “serious regrets” after eating something she found while running on a local beach this morning, Dumb Runner has learned.

Stephanie Hillenburg, 31, said she was about two miles in to her run when she noticed the thing, which had washed up in the surf; picked it up; and popped it in her mouth. She still isn’t sure what, exactly, the thing was.

“It was small,” she said, “and crunchy. Salty, too.”

Hillenburg speculated that it might have been part of a crab, or crab shell. Whatever it was, she said, she soon realized she should have left it in the sand.

“That was a big mistake,” she said. “I am having serious regrets right about now.”

“Ohhhh….,” she added.

At last report, Hillenburg was eyeing something green that had washed up and wondering what it would taste like.

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Local Runner Pretty Sure Injury Has Healed By Now

Mark Remy — Wed, 02 Dec 2020 19:38:19 GMT

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A local woman is reasonably confident that her injury has healed enough for her to resume running, Dumb Runner has learned.

Polly Anish, 33, made the assessment this morning as she debated whether to do a stationary bike workout or to head outside for her first run since re-injuring her foot two weeks ago during what was, then, her first run since injuring the same foot 10 days earlier.

Anish is unsure how the original injury happened, sources said, but seemed confident that running on it today “should be fine.”

“I’m sure it’s OK for me to run again,” she declared.

The injury is either plantar fasciitis or a stress fracture, Anish believes, or possibly both. The longtime runner has not visited a physician for a diagnosis and has been treating herself at home with a mix of ibuprofen, essential oils, and stretching.

“I can walk on it pretty much normally,” she reasoned as she put on her running shoes, “and it’s been a full day since I’ve felt that shooting pain.”

“It’s fine.”

Shortly afterward, sources said, Anish departed for a three-mile loop. At last report, she was spotted about a half-mile from her home, sitting on a bench and rubbing her foot.

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Study Finds Best Way to Reach Fitness Goals Is to Stop Being Such a Damn Wuss

Mark Remy — Mon, 30 Nov 2020 15:32:03 GMT

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The best way to achieve fitness goals is to “get off your ass and stop being such a damn wuss,” according to research published today in the New England Journal of Tough Love. The findings seem certain to roil the sports psychology community, which has spent decades studying intrinsic v. extrinsic motivation and espousing things like accountability, incremental rewards, and short- and long-term goals.

“This research basically means you can take all of (that previous research) and toss it aside,” said Arley Ermey, Ph.D., the study’s lead author. “If you’re having trouble motivating yourself to get up and out the door for that run, bike ride, or yoga class, the single best way to make it happen is to stop being such a pathetic loser and do it already.”

“Stop being such a pathetic loser and do it already.”

— Arley Ermey, Ph.D.

“Seriously,” Ermey added. “Quit whining and go. Now.”

To conduct the study, Ermey and her colleagues recruited 762 healthy subjects, each assigned to one of three groups: Sedentary, active, and intermediate. Each group got instruction in traditional methods of motivation, such as “exercise with a friend” and “announce your goals on social media,” and then told to record their workouts for the next four weeks.

At the end of that period, each subject had logged an average of three exercise sessions. In addition, each subject recorded an average of 14 reasons they couldn’t or didn’t work out, including “Too cold,” “Too hot,” “Too busy,” “Tired,” “It’s raining,” “It might rain,” “Got distracted by cat videos,” “Will go tomorrow,” and “Just not feeling it.”

Subjects who reported the most success were, in the researchers’ words, “the ones who just stood up, did what they needed to do, and moved on, because they aren’t total wusses.”

Ermey said she was “saddened, but not surprised” by the results.

“I’ve known for a long time that humans, as a group, are soft and would rather make mealymouthed excuses all day than take that proverbial first step,” she said. “This study appears to confirm those beliefs, and that is the bad news.”

“The good news is that it’s easy to correct this,” she concluded. “Just stop being a wuss.”

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Dumb Runner Poster #211

Mark Remy — Fri, 27 Nov 2020 15:57:57 GMT

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CLIF Launches Line of 100% Meat-Free Energy Bars

Mark Remy — Wed, 25 Nov 2020 15:30:11 GMT

Clif Bar & Company’s newest product has “no beef (and) no pork… but all the flavor,” the company said in a news release announcing its launch of CLIF BAR® Meat Free energy bars—a first for the sports nutrition brand.

“It took some time to get it just right, but our talented product development team has finally managed to reproduce the trademark taste and texture of the traditional CLIF BAR® without the beef and pork,” the news release read. “Say hello to CLIF BAR® Meat Free.”

The new energy bars will cost about as much as the brand’s other energy bars. At launch, CLIF BAR® Meat Free bars are available in Chocolate, Oatmeal Raisin Walnut, Iced Carrot Cake, and Bacon Cheeseburger (made with meat substitute). The bars will be available online or wherever CLIF BAR® products are sold, according to the news release.

The company stressed that its traditional energy bars will still contain “plenty of meat and meat byproducts.”

“Rest easy, carnivores,” the news release read. “All other CLIF BAR® offerings will remain unchanged, delivering the same long-lasting energy and rich, savory taste you’ve come to expect from Clif.”

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Dumb Runner Poster #210

Mark Remy — Fri, 13 Nov 2020 00:44:29 GMT

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I Found the Best Jogging Stroller Under $200, and I Will Take This Information to My Grave

Mark Remy — Wed, 11 Nov 2020 16:02:45 GMT

If you’re a runner with a small child, a quality jogging stroller is a must. Running with your baby or toddler is a terrific way to spend quality time with your little one without having to miss a workout.

Unfortunately, shopping for the right jogging stroller can be a workout unto itself. A cheap one might save you a few dollars in the near term, but cost you dearly in terms of comfort and quality; a high-end model might be “more stroller than you need” and set you back $600—or more!

With this in mind, I spent weeks researching and testing a dozen jogging strollers trying to find one that would deliver the goods without breaking the bank. In the end, one clear winner stood out—a thoughtfully designed, solidly built stroller that’s a breeze to store, maintain, and operate, all with a price tag of just $189.

Don’t let the low price fool you. This stroller comes loaded with features you’d expect on a much pricier model, including:

Five-point safety harness
Cup holder
Roomy storage basket
Light weight (less than 30 pounds)
Rear suspension
Full canopy

I will not share the make and model of this stroller with you.

Why should I? It took me a lot of time and effort to make this discovery. We’re talking blood, sweat, and tears. Literally. I sliced my thumb open trying to assemble one of these goddamn things.

Looking at you, Graco.

After all that, do you really expect me to just hand my results over to you on a silver platter? Like, Oh, yes, here—please benefit from the fruits of my labor without lifting a finger yourself? Think again. You could kidnap and torture me, and I still wouldn’t give up this information. I would die first.

You want to find the best jogging stroller under $200? Do your own frigging research.

This stroller is available at retailers nationwide and online. Good luck finding it.

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Child Makes Mental Note to Skip Local Runner's House Next Halloween

Mark Remy — Mon, 02 Nov 2020 14:52:58 GMT

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A local child reminded herself Saturday to avoid a certain neighbor’s home next Halloween, Dumb Runner has learned.

“My mom says he’s a runner,” said Lucy Van Pelt, 9, referring to the neighbor in question. “And he always hands out this weird, gross stuff.”

This year, she said, the man offered trick-or-treaters “Fun Size” packets of Gu energy gel. In past years, he has reportedly given out temporary pace chart tattoos, Run Gum, and individual packets of ibuprofen.

“I’d rather have Snickers or Skittles or something,” said Van Pelt. “You know… candy.”

“I don’t think there’s anything fun about this Fun Size Gu,” she added, mispronouncing Gu as “GUH.”

“Yuck.”

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Dumb Runner Poster #209

Mark Remy — Fri, 30 Oct 2020 15:02:56 GMT

Photo by Lucas Pezeta from Pexels

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Local Man Starting to Think His Core Will Never Be Strong Enough for Runner’s World

Mark Remy — Mon, 26 Oct 2020 15:52:14 GMT

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A local runner is beginning to wonder whether his “core” will ever be strong enough to satisfy the editors of Runner’s World, Dumb Runner has learned—despite the fact that he routinely performs workouts targeting those muscles, described by the American Council on Exercise as “the major muscles that move, support and stabilize your spine.”

“I don’t know what they expect from me,” said Nathan Huffhines, 29, a longtime runner and veteran of five marathons, referring to the publication’s staff. “I consider myself a pretty fit guy, and I try to do all the right things. But Runner’s World has just been relentless with the ‘Strengthen Your Core’ messages. Sometimes multiple times per day.”

“When will it be enough?”

Huffhines said he began paying attention to his core two or three years ago, as the word gained currency among running bloggers, trainers, and media. Before that, he said, he simply ran and, a few times a week, performed pushups and pullups.

“Then I started incorporating all these core workouts,” he said. “To be honest, I didn’t notice much difference with my running. But I kept at it.”

Over time, said Huffhines, Runner’s World’s exhortations grew more frequent—and more strident.

“It’s constant, and it comes from all directions,” he said. “I go to their website, and it’s 6 Core Exercises You Can Do Every Day or Try These Simple Kettlebell Exercises for a Stronger Core or This 15-Minute Ab Circuit Will Help You Build a Strong Core.”

“On Facebook, I see Bodyweight Core Workout: No equipment needed! and Try this at-home ab workout. I go over to Twitter, and it’s The ultimate 8-minute abs circuit that builds serious core strength, This 20-minute ab workout will get you ripped in no time, Trainer Lindsey Clayton shows you a yoga-inspired core workout that you can do at home, and Allyson Felix Shares Her Go-To Core Workout (No Equipment Required).”

About a month ago, said Huffhines, things got so bad he decided to take a break from all social media for a week.

“That night,” he said, “someone hurled a cinder block through my living room window, with a note attached.”

The note’s message?

“Get a Stronger Core With This At-Home Cinder Block Workout.”

Reached for comment, a Runner’s World spokeswoman told Dumb Runner, “To power through miles on the road, you need a strong core and solid cardio fitness.”

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The Dumb Runner 2021 Wall Calendar Is Now Available!

Mark Remy — Sat, 17 Oct 2020 20:00:00 GMT

Hello friends,

I am delighted to announce the arrival of my 2021 Motivational Wall Calendar. As usual, this year’s calendar boasts many features, including:

All 12 months
100% Gregorian dates
Dazzling, full-color images
Quotes that may inspire you or confuse you or both
Key dates, such as National Doughnut Day, National Ampersand Day, and my birthday
Standard calendar size (11 x 17 inches when open)
Hangin’ hole

Each month’s image and message are adapted from my laughably popular Motivational Posters, so if you (or your friends) like those, you (or they) will love this calendar.

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Scroll through the gallery below to review all 12 months:

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Yours Truly,

Mark

Dumb Runner Poster #208

Mark Remy — Fri, 16 Oct 2020 14:39:19 GMT

Photo by Luke Stackpoole on Unsplash

Latest Garmin Watch Features Pre-Broken Strap

Mark Remy — Wed, 14 Oct 2020 15:53:26 GMT

Garmin’s newest running watch comes with a low-tech twist that it says users will appreciate: a pre-broken strap.

The Garmin Forerunner 86 is believed to be the first watch ever to be sold with a “factory-snapped band,” a flaw that the company is pitching as a feature.

“For years, Garmin wearable customers have had to wonder, When will my strap break? Will it happen today? Tomorrow? During next month’s big race?” according to a Garmin news release. “That uncertainty can take a real toll.”

“With the new Forerunner 86, you will wonder no more—because our trained technicians have broken it for you, in the factory, before it ever makes it to your wrist.”

The broken strap, the news release said, is then “expertly repaired with duct tape,” inspected one final time, packaged, and shipped.

Customers can choose among six colors of duct tape, including High-Viz Orange and Classic Silver.

“No other fitness wearable offers this service,” the news release concluded. “Once again, Garmin is at the forefront of cutting-edge technology designed with you in mind.”

The Forerunner 86, available now, retails for $699.

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Report: Schadenfreude Makes Workouts 20% More Enjoyable

Mark Remy — Wed, 07 Oct 2020 15:37:20 GMT

istockphoto.com

Runners who begin a workout soon after hearing of a bad thing happening to a bad person enjoy that workout 20% more than usual, according to a new study with broad implications in the fields of exercise science and karmic retribution.

“We expected to find some effect, but wow,” said George Alan O'Dowd, Ph.D., lead author of the study and director of research at the Chameleon Karma Institute in London. “A 20% increase is really something.”

The research is believed to be the first ever to examine the role of schadenfreude, a German word meaning “enjoyment obtained from the troubles of others,” in athletics. To conduct the study, O'Dowd and his team randomly assigned 54 healthy, experienced runners to one of three groups—red, gold, and green. The red group performed a 45-minute treadmill run while technicians recorded their heart rate, pace, and “time spent grinning,” or T.S.G. The gold group went through the same routine, with one twist: Moments before stepping on the treadmill, they were told that a relentlessly obnoxious public figure had just gotten what was coming to him, in a spectacularly fitting way. Finally, the green group got the same treatment as the gold group, except that they heard the schadenfreude-inducing news halfway through their run.

The gold group enjoyed their runs significantly more than the red group; the green group saw their enjoyment spike only in the second half of their workout.

O'Dowd acknowledged that reveling in the misfortune of others may appear unseemly, but said that he and his team were merely reporting their findings, not endorsing them.

“It is what it is,” he said.

The results of the study appear in this week’s issue of the New England Journal of Comeuppance.

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‘Sure Is Good For Running,’ Writes Shoe Reviewer Who Has Just Stopped Caring

Mark Remy — Wed, 23 Sep 2020 22:01:00 GMT

istockphoto.com

A gear editor at a popular health and fitness publication has “just stopped caring,” Dumb Runner has learned, recently reviewing a new running shoe with the single phrase, “Sure is good for running.”

The editor, Dorothy Parker, 33, penned the review Tuesday for Running Life, where she’s been reviewing shoes for four and a half years. By one estimate, it was the 360th running shoe review that Parker has written or edited during that time.

Harold Ross, the publication’s editor-in-chief, reportedly sent the copy back for a revision, upon which Parker replied that the five-word review was a revision—the original, she said, was simply, “Sure is good.”

Parker did not return calls for comment.

“I think she just blew a fuse,” said a Running Life coworker of Parker, who asked to remain anonymous. “She’s been at this a long time, and there are only so many ways you can rearrange the words cushion, foam, support, flexible, underfoot, technology, midsole, and iteration into something fresh and new.”

The source guessed Parker has used the phrase “stable ride” at least 50 times this year alone.

“On a video call earlier this week,” said the source, “she just didn’t look good. Sort of glassy-eyed. I saw her mouthing the phrase toe-off to herself, over and over.”

“It’s sad.”

Reached by email, Ross would neither confirm nor deny that it might be time to replace Parker with a new iteration.

“Dorothy is an old favorite around here,” he said, “offering the perfect blend of stability and flexibility.”

“That said, editors do have a certain shelf life, and we need to be mindful of the tradeoff between responsiveness and durability.”

Ross ended his email by plugging Running Life’s Fall Shoe Guide, featuring reviews of 68 new shoes.

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Neck Gaiter Brand BUFF® Enters Condom Market

Mark Remy — Fri, 28 Aug 2020 14:12:58 GMT

iStockphoto.com/Pablo Heimplatz on Unsplash

BUFF, longtime maker of the “multifunctional headwear” commonly known as neck gaiters, today announced it’s launching a line of condoms modeled after its iconic product.

The BUFF Skinz collection includes ribbed, lubed, and “superthin” models, in a variety of colors and patterns, according to a news release. Most are made of latex, though the company said it plans to add a lambskin option “produced from ethically raised lambs.”

What sets BUFF’s line apart from traditional condoms, however, is its open-ended design, which the company called “a huge leap forward in condom technology.”

“For the first time ever, sexually responsible consumers have a real choice when it comes to protection,” the news release said. “Unlike other condoms, BUFF Skinz are breathable, comfortable, and incredibly versatile—pull ’em up when you need ’em, roll ’em down when you don’t.”

The news release added that Skinz condoms “can be worn more than 12 different ways” and that “one size fits most men.”

Reached for comment, a company spokesman was asked if BUFF would describe its condoms as “multifucktional.”

“Yes,” he said. “Yes, we would.”

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Tracksmith Unveils ‘Heritage’ Line of Performance-Enhancing Drugs

Mark Remy — Wed, 19 Aug 2020 17:27:04 GMT

Photos by Matt Briney, Katrin Hauf / Unsplash

Tracksmith, the New England-based maker of premium running gear and apparel, today introduced its first entry into the sports supplements market—a line of retro-inspired performance-enhancing drugs.

The company’s Heritage line of supplements, according to a news release, “harks back to a simpler time, a time before WADA [the World Anti-Doping Agency] and ‘biological passports,’ a time when runners got pills in charming brown bottles from a so-called team doctor and took them without question.”

“If you’re a dedicated competitor looking for an old-school advantage, this is your Heritage.”

True to its name, the Heritage line shuns such substances as EPO and pseudoephedrine in favor of classic drugs like amphetamines and elixirs with simple ingredients, such as its “1904” product, a blend of brandy, caffeine, and strychnine. The drugs are hand-crafted in small batches, Tracksmith said, in a restored apothecary not far from its Boston headquarters.

The news release described the laboratory as “quaint” and “harking back to a simpler time.”

The six-ounce bottles, with artisan-designed retro labels that also “hark back to a simpler time,” retail for $160 to $180.

A Tracksmith spokesperson said the company may add a series of Heritage injectables, if it can source a suitable hypodermic syringe.

“We’re looking for a real Tracksmith syringe,” said the spokesperson. “Maybe something made of glass, and with those metal rings that you put your fingers through. Maybe in a slim leather case with our logo in the corner. Something that would look good arranged on an oak writing desk next to an antique globe and a fountain pen and a rare first edition of Once a Runner, with the morning light coming in the window just so.”

“You know… a needle that harks back to a simpler time.”

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Local Runner Wishes He Hadn't Burned All His Neck Gaiters

Mark Remy — Thu, 13 Aug 2020 16:07:47 GMT

istockphoto.com

A local man destroyed his collection of neck gaiters earlier this week, Dumb Runner has learned—a decision he now regrets.

Dave Byrne, 30, an avid runner and outdoor enthusiast, burned all 12 of his gaiters and buffs in his backyard fire pit Monday after reading an article in The Washington Post headlined Wearing a Neck Gaiter May Be Worse Than No Mask at All, Researchers Find.

In fact, the research in question made no such determination, as Byrne learned this morning in a Quartz.com article titled Don’t Give Up on Your Buff Just Yet.

As that article puts it:

The results (of the research) sound alarming and even counterintuitive after months of hearing that cloth face coverings can provide some protection for others during the pandemic. But the truth is, this study was never intended to study the efficacy of buffs and other face masks at all; it was more about designing a new way to test mask efficacy. And without comparing this new droplet-measuring method to existing methods, it shouldn’t be used to completely rule out buffs as a face covering.

“Dammit,” said Byrne.

In a phone call with Dumb Runner, Byrne conceded that he acted a bit hastily in reacting to the research. He also questioned whether destroying his gaiters was necessary, even if they were determined to be useless as face masks.

“In retrospect,” he said, “I guess burning them was a bit rash.”

“Live and learn.”

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Woman Still Waiting for Energy Bar to Kick In

Mark Remy — Mon, 10 Aug 2020 15:46:21 GMT

istockphoto.com

A local runner consumed an energy bar nearly an hour ago yet has no energy, Dumb Runner has learned.

Mary Costa, 24, ate the product, a Dark Chocolate Peanut Butter KIND Energy bar, shortly after waking up, a source said. Costa reportedly had slept poorly and was feeling groggy.

According to KIND, its Energy bars are “made with 100% whole grains for sustained energy.”

Within 30 minutes, the source said, Costa was dressed for a run but still yawning. A jog to a nearby track failed to perk her up, the source said, and after two shuffling laps in an outer lane she remained sluggish and unmotivated.

It is unclear why the energy bar failed to deliver energy—its one and only job.

“Maybe it’s defective,” the source said. “Personally, I think Mary should contact the company and get her money back.”

“Then again, maybe she should have eaten a second one.”

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You Can Do This 20-Minute Core Workout Anywhere, But Why?

Mark Remy — Wed, 05 Aug 2020 16:15:16 GMT

As a runner, you know your core is absolutely crucial for some reason. But who has time to spend three or four hours every day performing a core workout? Very few of us, that’s who.

Not only that, but who has ready access to a gym or fitness center accredited by the American Core Council, i.e. guaranteed to meet the ACC’s rigorous standards for core work facilities? Even fewer of us, especially these days. And even if you do, do you really want to share a poorly ventilated indoor space with a bunch of other people right now? Even if it does carry the ACC Seal of Approval?

Come to think of it, do you even care about your core anymore, if you ever did? With everything going on in the world? I sure as shit don’t.

Anyway, here’s a 20-minute core routine you can do anywhere, if you feel like it.

You can start with this one, the Bird Dog. Don’t forget to smile. Maybe smiling will help you forget, momentarily, that we’re all living in a dystopian nightmare and wondering whether we’ll ever wake up.

Also, keep your back straight.

Next, try some Deep Lunges. “Deep,” as in “How much deeper can we tumble into this fissure that’s opened up under us all? Is there a bottom? Or are we doomed to spend eternity in a steady state of dread-infused free fall, wishing for an end that will never come?”

Alternate right and left legs.

Donkey Kicks are a terrific way to kill a few minutes while staring into the abyss. Kick, kick, kick.

I envy the donkey and his sheer lack of awareness. The donkey knows not of pandemics, face masks, or the costs of arrogance and hubris. The donkey doesn’t even know he’s a donkey. He just… is. What bliss!

Next, jump up and perform some Squats. Or not. What difference does it make?

If you think Leg Lifts are a lot like Donkey Kicks, well, you’re right. So what? Do them anyway. Call them Modified Donkey Kicks, if it makes you feel better. Either way, while you’re on the floor of your living room or office or whatever, the world outside those four walls is crumbling.

Still smiling? Great.

Here’s a fun variation on the Back Extension: During the first half, when you’re prone on the floor, imagine a boot on the back of your head. The boot belongs to a man dressed in black military gear, equipped with an array of weapons, including a long steel rod, the tip of which he twists into your back. The man is faceless behind a balaclava and wraparound sunglasses. His uniform carries no name patch, no insignia of any kind. Welcome to the autocratic police state that crept up on us like a thick fog while we were busy griping online about Garmin Connect being down.

Hang in there—you’re almost done!

Finish up with the Glute Bridge. Try 10 reps.

Congratulations! You did it.

Now what?

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Local Runner Adopts ‘1 Day On, 4 Days Off’ Training Plan

Mark Remy — Mon, 03 Aug 2020 16:02:23 GMT

istockphoto.com

A local runner has adopted an innovative training regimen, Dumb Runner has learned, following each day of running with four full days of rest and recovery.

Howard Johnson, 33, said he designed the plan himself and so far is pleased with the results.

“I’m feeling really rested these days,” he said. “I figure that’s due to the four days off I take after each run. On those days, I nap, read, watch TV, or just putter around the house.”

“Last week, I finished a 1,000-piece puzzle!”

Before settling on the current 1:4 ratio, Johnson said, he experimented with various other combinations of activity and recovery—running two days and taking one day off, for instance, or running every other day. In the end, he said, he settled on one day running and four days off.

Or, rather, it settled on him.

“I guess I just wasn’t feeling much like running,” he said. “I found myself putting it off and putting it off, and eventually I just found I was heading out for a run, like, once every four or five days. That’s just kind of where I landed.”

It took a while for Johnson, a six-time marathoner, to get used to that schedule—“to be OK with it,” in his words—but he got there.

“I figured, well, these are crazy times and at least I’m still running, even if it’s a fraction of what I used to do,” he said. “Also, just… meh.”

Johnson then cut the interview short, noting that it was time for his nap.

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'Sponsored Post' Writer Scrubs and Scrubs But Still Feels Dirty

Mark Remy — Sat, 01 Aug 2020 15:03:12 GMT

iStockphoto.com

An editor for an outdoor gear website has been in the shower for more than 30 minutes, Dumb Runner has learned, yet still feels unclean.

Fred Garvin, 28, an associate editor for GearPatrol.com, stepped into his shower moments after publishing a post titled “Lululemon’s ABC Jogger Is the Perfect Summer Pant,” according to a source. The source said Garvin was scouring his flesh with body wash and a stiff brush, complaining of feeling dirty.

In the post, published “in partnership with Lululemon,” Garvin heaps praise on the pants, writing,

“Whether you're working from home, working out, or heading out for an errand, the ABC Jogger is the perfect blend of style, performance and comfort. You likely already know this. But what you might not know, is that the ABC Jogger comes in a host of different fabric options …”

He goes on to describe two versions of the product, holding each up as the pinnacle of versatility and comfort, even in “the dog days of summer”:

“Like Warpstreme, Ventlight Mesh offers four-way stretch and is quick-drying, which makes it perfect for all-day wear on even the hottest of days.”

Garvin ultimately suggests that readers will want to purchase one of each style.

During a Skype call with the source, Dumb Runner could hear Garvin seething as he stood under the pulsing shower head.

“Get clean!” Garvin said. “Clean, goddammit!”

The source said that Garvin, who worked on his college newspaper and holds a degree in journalism, “always wanted to be a writer.”

Oddly enough, the source said, the body wash that Garvin was using came from another Gear Patrol “partner.” In a previous sponsored post, Garvin described that product as “the perfect way to wash away grit and grime after a hard workout, leaving nothing behind but notes of mint and eucalyptus—and a less-stressful you!”

Garvin, who was still in the shower as the interview ended, was not available for comment.

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Local Runner Has Adorable Little Drink Belt With Cute Little Drink Bottles

Mark Remy — Wed, 29 Jul 2020 15:10:51 GMT

istockphoto.com/Unsplash

A local man owns an “adorable” hydration belt, Dumb Runner has learned.

Graham Parsons, 31, a physician assistant and veteran of three half-marathons, bought the belt, a dual-bottle model from Nathan Sports, about two years ago and wears it on most of his runs.

“It’s so cute,” said a source close to Parsons, who requested anonymity because he was not authorized to speak to the media. “It’s blue and stretchy and totally adjustable, and it has these itty-bitty plastic bottles in their own little pouches so you can carry along your favorite special drink for sipping while you run.”

“The bottles are so cute.”

The source stressed that Parsons doesn’t have to worry about losing the bottles, because the pouches that hold them offer a snug fit and are topped with “cute little elastic bands in a sort of teal that complements the color of the pack.”

“Graham fills his little drink bottles, snaps on his little belt, and he’s ready to go!” the source said. “It’s adorable.”

Reached for comment, Parsons confirmed that he owns the belt and that it is cute.

“Oh my gosh,” he said. “It has a little zippered pouch, just the right size for my lip balm and my keys, stuff like that.”

“Sometimes I put a cookie in there,” he said. “But don’t tell my dietitian!”

In addition to looking cute, the hydration belt has led to some cute interactions as well, Parsons said.

“Once, I was out running and someone passed me and said, ‘Hi, Nathan!, and I was, like, That’s not my name, silly! That’s the name of my hydration belt! And we both had a laugh.”

“It was so cute.”

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With Garmin Connect Still Down, Desperate Runners Buy Digital Mileage-Tracking Tools on the Street

Mark Remy — Sat, 25 Jul 2020 18:36:32 GMT

istockphoto.com

When Garmin Connect, a popular digital fitness tracking tool, shut down earlier this week, reportedly due to a ransomware attack, runners everywhere reacted with puzzlement and good-natured jokes. When the outage continued for a full day and then another with little explanation from the company, many of those same runners grew desperate.

Now, sources say, they’re turning to street dealers for their fix.

Hard numbers are difficult to come by, due to the nature of such transactions, but experts told Dumb Runner that the problem is real—and potentially dangerous.

“When you purchase a tool for tracking, analyzing and sharing health and fitness activities from a reputable company, like Garmin, you know what you’re getting,” said Mark Renton, director of the McGregor Institute, a trade group. “Buying a homegrown version from some random guy in an alley or through your car window is much, much riskier.”

Renton said he’s already heard of “dozens of cases” of distraught Garmin Connect users looking for a mileage-syncing fix on the streets and getting burned.

“One guy paid 20 bucks for what turned out to be a thumb drive full of someone’s wedding photos,” he said. “Another got lured into an abandoned gas station, where the supposed seller and his buddies worked him over and stole his GPS watch.”

“It’s not a pretty situation,” he said. “But these people are desperate.”

One of those desperate people, who asked to be identified only as Spud, said he knew that what he was doing was dangerous, but he felt he had no choice.

“I’ve been syncing my miles on Garmin Connect for as long as I can remember,” he said. “And then, suddenly, it’s gone? Not cool, man. Not cool.”

Spud said he laughed off the outage at first. But within hours, he began feeling tense and irritable.

“My hands were shaking,” he said, “and I began sweating. I kept checking, every few minutes, to see if (Garmin Connect) was back online. But I kept seeing the same error message.”

The next morning, Spud said, he awoke with a pounding headache and an uncontrollable twitch in one eye. That’s when he decided he needed a fix, whatever the cost.

“I drove downtown and cruised back and forth near the local running store,” he said. “Pretty soon I made eye contact with a guy and pulled over.”

The ensuing transaction went quickly, Spud said, and he was reasonably happy with the results.

“I gave the guy 50 bucks, he passed me a folded paper bag, and I found a quiet place to open it,” he said. “It wasn’t as elegant or user-friendly as Garmin Connect, but the stuff this guy gave me got the job done. I sat there, in an empty parking lot, and synced my miles.”

“My God, it felt good.”

Renton, the trade group spokesman, said Spud got lucky.

“Not every street deal goes down like that,” he said. “Trust me. I know runners everywhere are antsy without their Garmin Connect, but please—be patient. It’ll be back up soon, I’m sure.”

Asked whether runners could avoid the issue altogether by simply not tracking their miles digitally on a third party’s platform in the first place, Renton laughed.

“Sure,” he said. “That would work.”

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Report: Hills Are Bullshit

Mark Remy — Thu, 23 Jul 2020 16:12:56 GMT

istockphoto.com

Hills are bullshit, according to a new report obtained by Dumb Runner.

The report, which has not yet been published, confirms what many runners have long suspected—i.e., that hills are bullshit.

“We can now declare with certainty that running uphill is pure bullshit,” said Kate Bush, a local runner and the report’s author. This holds true for hills of any kind, Bush noted, though she did find a correlation between the length and steepness of a hill and the amount of bullshit it presented.

“Put simply,” she said, “the longer and steeper the hill, the more it’s bullshit.”

Bush said she arrived at her conclusion during a recent long run.

“Most of the first few miles were flat to rolling,” she said. “That part was fine. And then, around mile 3.5, I came to the first major climb. My breathing quickly became labored, my legs turned to cement, and I actually had to pause halfway up for a walk break.”

“In short, it was bullshit.”

Bush didn’t study cyclists, but said that the findings almost certainly apply to cycling as well. In fact, she said, walkers, hikers, and even skateboarders likely experience the same phenomenon.

“The common thread,” concluded Bush, “is the act of moving the mass of your body up an incline. Some might call that physics. I call it bullshit.”

While the report hasn’t yet been published, Bush said, it has been peer reviewed.

That peer, Catherine Earnshaw, is a friend and longtime running partner of Bush. Reached for comment, she confirmed that she had reviewed the report and found no problems with its methods or its conclusion.

“Hills are bullshit,” she said.

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KitKat Fits in Phone Pouch, Local Runner Delighted to Discover

Mark Remy — Thu, 09 Jul 2020 15:44:15 GMT

istockphoto.com

A regular-size KitKat bar fits nicely in a standard armband phone holder, a local woman was happy to learn today.

“Oh my God,” said Eartha Mae Keith, 32, as she slid the chocolate/wafer confection into the compartment meant for her smartphone. “This changes everything.”

The discovery was sheer happenstance, said Keith.

“I was getting ready for a run and looking for my phone,” she said. “I thought it was in my purse, so I grabbed it and starting fishing around in there and found it.”

Or so she thought. The item she pulled out was, in fact, a KitKat.

“I’d forgotten (the candy bar) was even in there,” Keith said. “I laughed, realizing this thing was basically the same size as my phone.”

“And that’s when it hit me.”

On a whim, she slid the KitKat into her armband phone holder. It was a perfect fit.

“There was no room for my phone in there, too,” said Keith. “But who cares? I’ve got a KitKat.”

Now that she’s had this epiphany, Keith said, she plans to experiment with other snacks.

“Do they make phone holders big enough to accommodate a King Size KitKat?” she said. “I don’t know. But I intend to find out.”

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Man Resumes Running After 15-Year Hiatus, Somehow Injures Self

Mark Remy — Mon, 06 Jul 2020 16:25:30 GMT

istockphoto.com

A local man went for a run yesterday—his first in nearly 15 years—and somehow wound up injured, Dumb Runner has learned.

Allen Ginsberg, 55, ended his outing abruptly after just 1 mile when a sharp pain shot through his right knee. After a few minutes spent rubbing the area, he stood and gingerly tried to resume his run. That effort failed, as the pain immediately returned, worse than before.

Ginsberg then called a Lyft and returned home.

Sources said Ginsberg, a former college athlete and “pretty competitive guy” last ran around 2005, when he participated in a local 5K. His attempted return to running apparently was motivated by Ginsberg’s 55th birthday and a vow to get back into shape.

The cause of the injury remains a mystery.

“I don’t know what happened,” said Ginsberg, reached by phone. “My running shoes were brand new—I’d just ordered them from Zappos—and I was sure to stretch really hard before I started the run.”

Ginsberg said the pain began suddenly as he approached the 1-mile mark of his run.

“I’d gotten off to a great start,” he said. “I’m not sure what my pace was, but I was basically sprinting. Then, boom! I’m down. Who knows why? Things happen.”

Ginsberg said he’s not giving up.

“I’ve been icing my knee and using lots of ibuprofen,” he said. “Just as soon as the pain subsides a little bit, I’ll be back out there.”

“Hey,” he said, “no pain, no gain.”

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CrossFit PR Director Gives Company’s Founder New Phone

Mark Remy — Thu, 11 Jun 2020 18:26:00 GMT

CrossFit founder Greg Glassman, who recently resigned his post as CEO, has received a parting gift from the company’s director of public relations: A new company phone.

Glassman abruptly stepped down this week after comments he tweeted about George Floyd “sparked a social media backlash.”

According to The AP,

Glassman’s exit may have been sealed after Buzzfeed posted a Zoom call he held with CrossFit affiliated gyms in which Glassman reportedly said: “We’re not mourning for George Floyd — I don’t think me or any of my staff are.” Buzzfeed said it received the recording through its anonymous tip line.

The new company-supplied phone, a model by Fisher Price, features a ringing rotary dial, eyes that roll up and down, and sturdy construction. It also has wheels and a long string attached to the front of its base, making it highly portable.

Alex Bell, CrossFit’s VP for public relations, personally delivered the new phone to Glassman’s home this morning.

“Here,” Bell told Glassman, handing him the brightly colored device. “Our way of saying, ‘No hard feelings.’”

“This baby is state of the art,” Bell continued, as Glassman examined the phone, turning it over in his hands, testing the dial, and delighting in the bright ring-ring! sound it made. “You can use this to talk to anyone you want from now on—activists, journalists. Anyone.”

“The best part is that you can’t hear the person on the other end, so you won’t get distracted by a lot of jibber-jabber,” said Bell, as Glassman, frowning in concentration, painstakingly spelled out “A-L-L L-I-V-E-S M-A-T-T-E-R” on the phone’s dial. “But they can hear you. Every word. Crystal clear.”

“Oh, yeah,” Bell added, “you can use this for Twitter and stuff too.”

Bell told Glassman that the new phone was so good, he would no longer be needing any of his other communication devices. Before leaving, he collected Glassman’s smartphones, tablets, and computers, as well as three landline telephones, a pair of walkie-talkies, and two rolls of postage stamps.

"Have fun,” said Bell on his way out the door. “If you need anything, just call.”

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Editorial Wizard Transforms Ad Into Article With Addition of Byline

Mark Remy — Tue, 26 May 2020 15:59:47 GMT

istockphoto.com

A modern-day sorcerer turned an advertisement into an article today, Dumb Runner has learned, achieving the transformation with just a few keystrokes at his laptop computer.

David Seth Kotkin, 31, a senior editor at Running Life magazine, performed the feat from his kitchen table in Boulder, Colorado.

Before Kotkin worked his magic, the text in question, 500 words praising a new running shoe, was unquestionably an ad—it extolled the product’s virtues unquestioningly, calling it “fast,” “comfortable,” and “a stylish shoe you can wear on your run-commute and in the office.” It also included quotes from unnamed testers, whose verdicts on the shoe ran from “excellent” to “really excellent.” Photos of the shoe, nine in all, appear to have been supplied by the manufacturer.

In a matter of seconds, however, that would all change.

Typing with one finger as he sipped from a mug of coffee, Kotkin murmured an incantation:

Legerdemain, belief suspension,
Mask this text’s true intention!

By the time he was finished typing “BY JOE MCGUIRE” at the top of the text, Kotkin had turned the ad into a piece of editorial content. Before publishing it to Running Life’s website, he again uttered a mystical couplet:

Cash flow, back scratch, symbiosis,
Slip this ad under readers’ noses!

The manufacturer of the shoe spends an estimated $750,000 a year on ads in Running Life and on RunningLife.com

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Hormel Rolls Out Line of Sports Hams

Mark Remy — Sat, 23 May 2020 14:53:28 GMT

Hormel Foods Corporation, the producer of dozens of branded meat products and other packaged foods, today announced a new line of “sports hams” aimed at active, health-conscious consumers.

The product line, called Hormel Endurance®, will comprise electrolyte-infused hams in a variety of options, including bone-in, boneless, spiral-cut, smoked, and carb-glazed. Prices will start at $6.99 per pound.

“For nearly 130 years, Hormel has stood for quality, convenience, and top-shelf taste,” said John Arable, a company spokesman, announcing the launch in a call with reporters. “Today we are proud to add to our already impressive portfolio Hormel Endurance®—the first fully cooked hams prepared with the energy needs of today’s endurance athlete in mind.”

Arable called the new sports hams “the perfect snack for runners, cyclists, and other on-the-go types.” Each serving delivers 220 calories, 3 grams of carbs, 9 grams of protein, and “a full day’s worth of sodium,” he said.

Hormel Endurance® hams will be available nationwide at supermarkets and any specialty running stores that happen to have refrigerated cases.

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Should I Wear a Mask When I Run?

Mark Remy — Mon, 04 May 2020 17:50:57 GMT

Photo by visuals on Unsplash

* UPDATED AUGUST 13, 2020 *

Dumb Runner,
I'm 61 and a relatively new runner easing back into things after a stress fracture. I run a half-mile track around a small lake, where nobody—literally nobody—wears a mask. Everyone does a good job of social distancing—walkers stay out of runners' way, etc. Are the runners in my area alone in this? Are runners everywhere else wearing masks?

I want to add that we're not generally a bunch of idiots here. You won't find anyone in a grocery store, drug store, or gas station without a mask; we wash our hands and use sanitizer when we can't; we cough and sneeze into our elbows; and so on. But I've yet to see one runner wearing a mask. Care to comment?—Charlie

Hi Charlie,

That’s easy! No, the runners in your area are not alone in this. I think it’s fair to say that most of us are not wearing masks when we run.

Should we be? The answer to that, based on everything I’ve read, is complicated.

Before I go on, an obvious caveat: I am not an expert in public health or infectious disease. I’m barely an expert at anything. But I am reasonably rational, I think; I’ve been reading a lot about this from the beginning (from reputable sources—i.e., no sketchy YouTube videos or email forwards from my aunt whose friend’s daughter knows someone “who works in a hospital,” etc.); and my own thinking on this has evolved, as I’ve learned new stuff.

In brief, here’s what I’ve gleaned so far. (Readers: If any of this is incorrect or incomplete, please let me know.)

We all crave simple, clear answers, especially during times of anxiety. But little about this novel coronavirus is simple or clear.
Bad science and sloppy reporting have ginned up irrational fears over how the virus may be spread, especially via runners (LOOK OUT! DROPLETS!), and those fears have fueled real hostility. That hostility carries its own dangers.
The odds of infecting another person as you run past them—especially from a distance of six feet or more—seem incredibly low. [EDIT: This Twitter thread provides useful data.]
Wearing a mask while walking is easy. Wearing one while running, in my experience, feels like you’re being smothered. Also—again, in my experience—the mask quickly becomes soaked with sweat, and wet masks are less effective than dry ones.
Fleeting exposure to others seems relatively harmless; prolonged exposure is not.
Related to the above: Running alone seems relatively safe; running in groups is not.

All of which has led me to embrace this bit of advice from an NPR.org overview:

The CDC recommends wearing cloth face coverings in "public settings, where other social distancing measures are difficult to maintain" in order to avoid community-based transmission of the virus.

So just as you'd wear a mask to the grocery store or pharmacy, you should wear one if your run is likely to bring you into close contact with other people.

That bolded emphasis is mine.

The upshot is that I typically do not wear a mask when I run. Instead, I am diligent about avoiding other people—I’m lucky to live in a place where that’s possible—and I carry a mask with me, just in case.

Yesterday, for instance, I ran about five miles. I plotted a course that I knew would have little traffic (foot or otherwise). When I did see someone approaching, I gave them a wide berth well in advance and with a small wave or peace sign, a practice that I call “conspicuous distancing.” If an approaching car made that impossible, I waited until it was. In some cases, to avoid passing someone, I took an unplanned turn onto a quieter street.

I also avoided spitting and snot-rocketing. Which, honestly, should go without saying.

In short: I thought well ahead, practiced patience and deference, and was flexible with my route. Through it all, I maintained at least 10 feet of distance, and often more, from everyone I saw: walkers, runners, cyclists, folks standing in socially distanced lines... everyone.

If this isn’t possible where you run, wear a mask. If wearing a mask makes you feel better, wear a mask. If your state or local government is mandating masks even for runners, absolutely wear a mask. (If you’re visiting a hospital or clinic to meet patients and staff, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WEAR A MASK.)

(EDIT: Yes, even if your “mask” is a neck gaiter or buff.)

Otherwise, you might decide, as I have, that it’s possible to run safely without one.

Is this strategy 100% risk free? Nope. Does it nonetheless mitigate risk? I think it does, and expert consensus seems to agree.

I hope this helps, Charlie. Thanks for writing and stay safe.

Yours Truly,
Mark

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Sports Drink Marketer Suddenly Remembers His ‘Immunity’ Product Doesn’t Actually Do Anything

Mark Remy — Mon, 30 Mar 2020 15:31:57 GMT

istockphoto.com

A senior employee of sports drink maker FĀN woke at 3 a.m. today in a cold sweat, having suddenly remembered that his company’s “immunity booster” product doesn’t actually do anything to boost immunity, Dumb Runner has learned.

“Oh my God!” said Harold Hill, the company’s marketing director. “People think this shit really works!”

The product in question, boldly labeled “IMMUNITY/For Immune Support,” includes some vitamins and trace amounts of certain minerals, as well as “electrolytes” and “3 essential botanicals.” But there is no evidence suggesting that it affects the user’s immune system in any significant sense.

“These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration,” reads a small disclaimer at the bottom of the product description page on FĀN’s website.

Like most other of FĀN’s 36 full-time employees, Hill understood from the beginning that the company’s IMMUNITY formulation, like its others, was bogus. But he had managed to push that knowledge deep into his unconscious, rationalizing his pushing of the product by telling himself that people seemed to enjoy its flavor.

Last night, though, the fundamental emptiness of FĀN IMMUNITY’s claims came crashing back into Hill’s conscious mind, prompting his profane outburst.

In ordinary times, Hill thought, peddling a phony immunity booster does no real harm. Today, however, with a viral pandemic racing across the globe, spreading sickness, death, and fear, doing so may only give vulnerable people a false sense of security and distract from things that really could support a healthy immune system, such as eating a diet rich in fruits and vegetables, exercising routinely, moderating your alcohol intake, getting quality sleep, and so on.

“Jesus,” he whispered, staring into the darkness of his bedroom. “What have we done?”

Hill eventually fell back asleep, vowing to do better.

At last report, Hill was on a video call with several FĀN colleagues, discussing an online promotion for FĀN IMMUNITY and debating whether a 20% off coupon code or a BOGO offer would do more to increase sales.

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GU, Purell Introduce Co-Branded Gel

Mark Remy — Mon, 23 Mar 2020 14:35:11 GMT

In a surprising partnership, GU and Purell today unveiled a new combination energy gel and hand sanitizer. Nicknamed “GUrell,” the co-branded product has already sold out online.

“We are proud to join our good friends at Purell to offer the world’s first antiseptic sports energy product,” Michael Sorrentino, president and CEO of GU Energy Labs, said during a livestreamed news conference. “Our so-called GUrell combines the easily digestible carbs that athletes have come to expect from GU with the hand-sanitizing properties that Purell is famous for.”

GU is touting its newest addition as “the world’s most versatile sports energy product,” describing it as “appetizing and sanitizing, all in one little package.”

For now the new gel comes in just one flavor—Sanitizing Orange—but more will follow, Sorrentino said. He described the product’s taste as “wonderfully citrus-y, with notes of rubbing alcohol.”

“The health and safety of our customers has always been our number-one priority,” said Sorrentino. “Sustaining them through their most intense tests of endurance, of course, is a close second. It is incredibly gratifying to offer them a product that addresses both of these needs.”

Paul D. DelVecchio, marketing director for Purell, said that company plans to make the product available in touch-free dispensers and 1200mL refill pouches.

“I am 99.99% overjoyed about this joint effort,” said DelVecchio. “Ha ha.”

“But seriously, be careful out there.”

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Local Runner Uses ‘Cheat Day’ to Eat Ice Cream, Sleep With Neighbor’s Wife

Mark Remy — Wed, 11 Mar 2020 15:03:57 GMT

iStockphoto.com

From Tuesday to Sunday, Nickie Ferrante does everything right: He exercises, meditates, and “eats clean,” favoring a diet rich in organic, unprocessed fruits, vegetables, lean meat, and fish. When Monday rolls around, however, all bets are off.

“Monday is my ‘cheat day,’” said Ferrante, using a phrase commonly understood in diet and nutrition circles to mean a full day when otherwise scrupulous eaters may consume anything they want without guilt. “Like, this past Monday I had a Belgian waffle for breakfast, Burger King for lunch, pizza for dinner, and then a huge banana split at my local ice cream place.”

“Also I banged my neighbor’s wife.”

Ferrante, a married father of two and an avid marathon runner, has been using cheat days for years, he said.

Cheat days, proponents argue, are like a pressure release valve—“brief periods of indulgence” that make it easier to behave responsibly the rest of the time. Critics counter that the word cheat has negative connotations and suggest that overindulgence isn’t healthy even once a week.

Ferrante, obviously, is in the former camp.

“If I didn’t have my cheat days, I’d go crazy,” he said.

“Knowing I could never have ice cream or commit adultery would only make it more likely I’d fail completely on both counts. I’d be sneaking pints of Ben & Jerry’s two, three times a week, and sleeping with random women any time I had the chance.”

Instead, said Ferrante, he finds it easy to be “good” six days a week with the knowledge that he can cut loose on the seventh.

“And then the next day, I’m right back on track,” he said. “It really works well.”

Ferrante said he’s already looking forward to his next cheat day, when he plans to join friends for a local bar’s all-you-can-eat wings night and nail a server in the establishment’s bathroom.

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Local Man Not Feeling So Well After Consuming Steady Diet of Junk for Several Decades

Mark Remy — Mon, 13 Jan 2020 17:20:26 GMT

istockphoto.com

Gastrointestinal distress hit a local man hard yesterday, sending him to his couch for the better part of the afternoon, Dumb Runner has learned.

John Hurt, 54, spent hours grimacing and writhing in pain as his family looked on, helpless.

“I don’t feel so good,” Hurt said. “It must have been something I ate.”

For most of his adult life, sources said, Hurt has consumed a steady diet of fried foods, chips, snack cakes, frozen dinners, stuffed-crust pizza, highly processed meats, candy, soda, and fast food. Often, they said, Hurt will snack mindlessly even when he isn’t hungry.

The married father of three visits Arby’s three times a week on average, the sources added, and once consumed an entire bucket of KFC chicken. He eats fruits and vegetables mostly just in social situations, they said, “to be polite.”

At the time of publication, Hurt was still puzzling over the source of his intestinal discomfort, which even casual observers noted was clearly the result of decades’ worth of poor dietary decisions made not just consciously but with enthusiasm.

“Oh, man,” Hurt said, groaning. “What did I do to deserve this?”

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Bear Super Mellow After Ingesting 160-Pound Marijuana Edible

Mark Remy — Mon, 06 Jan 2020 16:46:48 GMT

iStockphoto.com/Rasmus Svinding from Pexels

A large brown bear appeared “super mellow” on a local mountain trail yesterday after consuming a potent marijuana edible, Dumb Runner has learned.

The edible in question, weighing about 160 pounds and shaped like an ultra runner called Travis, contained an estimated 250 mg of THC. Travis reportedly had smoked marijuana about an hour before his run and was carrying a “medical cannabis” chocolate bar, containing 100mg of THC, in his hydration pack.

“I saw the whole thing,” one witness told Dumb Runner. “That was one chill bear. Like, super mellow. Just sitting back, staring at his paws.”

Other sources said the bear had no previous experience with cannabis, but had expressed interest in trying it out now that his cubs had grown up and left the den.

Another source said Travis had eaten two CBD gummies at the trailhead, yielding some unexpected benefits for the bear.

“From what I understand,” said the source, “bear dude had some serious hip pain, and this dose of CBD really seemed to help with that.”

Reached for comment, the bear suggested he was eager to try more marijuana edibles—after a long nap.

“Rrrrrrr,” he said. “Uff.”

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Runner Listens to Body, Eats Entire Tin of Caramel Corn

Mark Remy — Mon, 23 Dec 2019 16:46:06 GMT

A local runner “listened to her body” Sunday, Dumb Runner has learned, skipping her long run and opting instead to consume a 1.26-gallon tin of caramel corn.

Linda Hamilton, 41, had planned to meet a friend for an early morning 12-miler, but woke up to a text message from her friend saying she had to “bail.” That left Hamilton with a choice: Do the run alone, or bail herself.

“I had every intention of doing the run,” Hamilton said. “But when I walked into the kitchen for coffee, I saw this big tub of caramel corn on the table.”

The caramel corn, she explained, had arrived the day before, a gift from her mother.

“I figured I’d have a couple of handfuls with my coffee,” said Hamilton, “just to fuel up for my run.”

“My body was telling me it didn’t need a run—it needed more caramel corn.”

— Linda Hamilton, runner

As she ate those couple of handfuls, though, Hamilton’s body began to send her signals.

“I’ve been a runner for a long time,” she said, “and I know the importance of listening to your body. At that point, my body was telling me it didn’t need a run—it needed more caramel corn. Like, a lot more.”

“I listened.”

Over the next hour or so, Hamilton said, she ate the entire tin. According to the label, that amounted to about 28 cups. The tin, according to its Amazon.com product description, is “typically used for parties of 15 or more.”

At last report, Hamilton was drinking a tall glass of ice water and considering a short nap, secure in the knowledge that her mind and body were working in sync.

“Your body knows what it needs,” she said. “It will tell you. Trust it.”

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New CLIF PALEO Bars Basically Just Grilled Chicken Breasts

Mark Remy — Mon, 02 Dec 2019 18:21:53 GMT

A new energy bar from sports nutrition giant CLIF is basically a grilled chicken breast wrapped in the company’s familiar packaging, an industry watchdog has announced.

CLIF describes its PALEO bar as “an all-natural, high-protein energy source for today’s busy, caveman-inspired athlete.” The product is aimed at followers of the paleo diet, which focuses on foods available during the Paleolithic era—primarily meats, fish, fruits, vegetables, nuts, and seeds.

CLIF has been cagey about revealing the product’s exact formulation, except to note that it is “paleo-friendly” and contains no processed ingredients. Today, however, a consumer advocacy group said it’s solved the riddle.

“After extensive testing of several samples of the CLIF PALEO product,” Phil Keyrock, president of United Consumer Labs (UCL), said in a video, “we have determined that it’s basically just a chicken breast.”

“Grilled, we believe,” he added, nibbling a PALEO bar. “This one is kind of dry.”

Reached for comment, a CLIF spokesperson would neither confirm nor deny UCL’s findings. The spokesperson also declined to comment on the PALEO bar’s unusually short shelf life of three hours.

CLIF PALEO bars cost $2.99 each and come in one flavor: Chicken.

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What Should I Focus on When I Return to Running?

Mark Remy — Fri, 03 May 2019 16:49:17 GMT

istockphoto.com

Dumb Runner,
I’ve been running for several years but had to stop for a while due to injury. I’m not fast enough to qualify for Boston, I wear a fuel belt for 5Ks, I hate weight training but love treadmills, and I have a raging case of plantar fasciitis. Is there hope for me? What should I focus on when I return to running?—Julie, Chesterfield, Missouri

Hi Julie,

Of course there is hope for you, and I'll use your own words to make my case...

You say you've been running for several years, which tells me you (a.) have a good, solid base of fitness and (b.) obviously love to run, both of which will work in your favor as you make your comeback.
You say, bluntly, that you're not fast enough to qualify for Boston, which tells me you're honest with yourself and a pragmatist in your approach to training, both good things.
You say you wear a fuel belt for 5Ks. The fact that you mention this at all suggests that you know some folks might look askance at that—and you do it anyway, which means you don't give a fig what other people think, which is a tremendously healthy attitude.
You say you hate weight training, which tells me you're a normal human being, but love the treadmill, which tells me you're also a little crazy. In my experience, the most successful runners are normal but also a little crazy.
Finally, the fact that you're already thinking about your return to running—pending your recovery—is a positive sign. Thinking ahead is good!

This all might sound tongue in cheek, but I'm absolutely serious.

When you're sure your injury is healed, my only advice would be to ease back into things very gradually (and ease back off at the first sign of a flare-up) and to focus on things like fun and gratitude. Really. Injuries suck, but if they have a silver lining it's the way they can make us appreciate just how fun running can be, and how lucky we are to be able to do it.

Thanks for your note, and best wishes for a full recovery!

Yours Truly,
Mark

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How Do I Learn to Run Again?

My PE Class Is Killing Me—Help!

Mark Remy — Sat, 20 Apr 2019 16:19:37 GMT

istockphoto.com

Dear Dumb Runner,

My physical education class is filled with very athletic people. I, on the other hand, would rather be shopping at the mall and doing my nails. When we do warmups in the beginning of gym class they are very intense. I can’t keep up, and I feel that people judge me for that. Halfway through the warmup I get really worked up and feel like I’m about to pass out. Why does this happen? How can I fix it?—Anonymous, New Jersey

Dear Anonymous,

First of all, you should know that almost nobody, myself included, has fond memories of PE class. This is why you see so many references to it in movies and TV and so on. I feel like I've seen a hundred variations on the "rope climb" thing alone. So you are far from alone here. Trust me.

Second, I can virtually guarantee you that no one is judging you during your warmups. Why? Because they're way too busy worrying about how they look. I promise you.

This self-consciousness, unfortunately, is something that even adults wrestle with. Part of the reason I’m publishing this response here, rather than simply giving it to you via email, is that I want to reassure runners of any age, and any level of ability, that most folks are way too self-absorbed to notice you and your imagined flaws.

“Most folks are way too self-absorbed to notice you and your imagined flaws.”

Third and finally: Warming up is meant to, well, warm us up—to prepare our minds and bodies for something more intense. It should feel nice and easy. If your instructor's warmups are making you feel like you're about to pass out, either the routine itself is way too challenging or you're pushing yourself way too hard, or both.

I recommend approaching your PE instructor—ideally before or after class, not during—and telling him or her what you've told me here. Unless your instructor is a total jerk, I bet he or she will listen and make a real effort to help you out.

Either way, you can and should go easy on yourself. If you feel you’re pushing too hard, push less hard. It really is that simple. (As I wrote in Dumb Runner Poster #84, “It never gets easier. Unless you slow down a little.”)

Most important: Hang in there. The whole point of PE is to encourage physical activity and to teach us to do it right—not just while we're in school, but for the rest of our lives. Staying active, however you choose to do it, is one of the most important things you can do for yourself and sticking with it will pay off for you in a huge way. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.

Best wishes, good luck, and thanks for writing.

Yours Truly,
Mark

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I Can't Keep Up With My Teammates—What Should I Do?

Do I Have to Wait for My Running Buddies Even When It’s Freezing?

Mark Remy — Tue, 22 Jan 2019 21:06:18 GMT

istockphoto.com

Dear Dumb Runner,

My friends and I are having an argument about leaving someone behind. Since you wrote the rule book [ED: The Runner’s Rule Book, to be precise], I figure you’re qualified to be judge and jury.

We typically start our runs at 5 a.m. and the unspoken rule is that if you’re late, we don’t wait. This means the late party has to chase down the pack. On the day in question, I was late by 10 minutes. I texted to let my friends know, and they chose to wait for me.

The scheduled run was 15 miles along the river and there were two runners waiting for me. Both are accomplished marathoners with the ability to outpace me at any given distance. So I deemed myself the slow guy.

At about mile 9, one guy said he needed a restroom. About two miles later, we reached two porta potties and both of my friends jumped in. Now, it’s cold in December in Minnesota and I didn’t feel like standing around. So I decided to keep going, assuming these fast guys would catch me.

They didn’t. Afterward they were mad, saying they couldn’t believe I would leave them especially after they’d waited for me to begin.

Should I have waited? Should I be punished? Please keep in mind that sanctions from the group are possible, including but not limited to hill repeats after long runs and countless bar tabs.—Paul "El Gortien" Gorton, Twin Cities, Minnesota

Dear Paul,

I'm afraid I have no choice but to rule in favor of your friends. You should have waited for them. This would have been true under normal circumstances, and it's doubly true since, as your friends pointed out, they had waited for you earlier—presumably in conditions that were at least as cold as, if not colder than, the temps you faced at the porta potties.

Your contention that it was too cold to wait for them rings hollow, suggesting as it does a false choice between being a good friend and keeping warm. If you'd wanted to wait you easily could have, for example, jogged away for a minute or two and then turned around to jog back, repeating as needed until your friends emerged, looking relieved and rubbing hand sanitizer on their palms. That's what I would have done.

At a minimum, you could and should have told your friends, through those flimsy plastic doors, what you were up to. The Rule Book (Rule 1.23) makes clear that you owe it to any straggler or stragglers to be sure they’re OK with being left in the dust before you leave them in said dust.

On the other hand, you note that you began the run at 5 a.m. (well, 5:10), which is insanely early. It's not only possible but likely that your brain wasn't fully functioning at that hour. For this reason, I'm going to be lenient and sentence you to a finger-wagging and a verbal admonition not to do that again.

Also, after your next group run, doughnuts and coffee are on you. [bangs gavel] Court is adjourned!

Yours Truly,
Mark

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Woman in Porta Potty Sure Taking Her Sweet-Ass Time

I'm 7 Weeks From My Marathon and Sick—What Should I Do?

Mark Remy — Wed, 03 Jan 2018 16:21:54 GMT

istockphoto.com

Dear Dumb Runner,

I'm seven weeks from my marathon and battling a cold that's trying to progress from runny nose and cough to deep chest-based hacking cough, fever, and full-on crappiness. (My doctor says it's an upper respiratory illness that has to run its course.) Various running sites tell me I should take time off if my cold includes "below the neck" symptoms. Since I'm now getting into the critical last few weeks of serious training before the marathon, my questions are: What does "below the neck" really mean in the grand scheme of things? Should I follow the advice on these sites or just shout "fake news" and continue training? And if I do take time off, what combination of cold medications is most likely to help me regain my fitness and post a BQ marathon time and possible PR?—Wheezy Willy, Shreveport, Louisiana

Dear Wheezy,

This is a tough one. For starters, it's impossible for me to know exactly how bad you're feeling—at rest and while running. Absent that, it's hard for me to advise you.

Likewise, only you truly know how much this race means to you; exactly how critical the next 2 or 3 weeks of training are for your goals, given your fitness level and your race goals; how willing you are to gamble with your health; etc.

I do feel your pain. I've been in this very situation, more than once, and it sucks. (By the way: While I'm not training for anything at the moment, I think that you and I might have the same illness.)

Runners in your shoes often refer, as you do, to the old "above-the-neck/below-the-neck" chestnut. It's an irresistibly catchy rule of thumb—I've certainly parroted it over the years—but practically speaking is just not that helpful. (I don't know about you, but when I get sick my own symptoms tend to come, go, morph, and migrate. A binary "above or below?" framework, for me, is useless.)

All that said... Given what you've told me here, what should you do? I vote for rest.

This means real rest. Take four or five days off from running—I know, it will be hard—and use that time to focus on extra sleep, chicken soup, and positive vibes. Take care of your health like it's your job. Then ease back into training.

The way I see it, one or two weeks of runs at 100% > three or four weeks of runs at 60%. Especially if those three or four weeks at 60% prevent you from getting back to 100%.

Whatever ultimately happens, prepare yourself for the possibility that this might not be your race. Have a Plan B for that—e.g., if you realize a few miles in that your sickness really did sink your chances of a fast finish, pull back and go super-easy... then think about targeting another marathon, two months or so away, for that BQ or PR. You'll have an excellent base for it.

Oh, and as for medications: I'm going to defer to your doctor on that. Advising readers on meds—even over-the-counter ones—is outside my comfort zone.

I hope this helps. Good luck... and feel better!

Yours Truly,
Mark

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I Can't Keep Up With My Teammates—What Should I Do?

Mark Remy — Wed, 30 Aug 2017 03:39:51 GMT

istockphoto.com

Dear Dumb Runner,
I'm a freshman in high school and this is my first year running with the high school team and doing their workouts. It's a thousand times better than the junior high cross country team, and I've been enjoying it immensely. However, I don't feel like my 5K time reflects the amount of training I've been doing. In my very first 5K—the first meet of the season—I ran 22:16.3; my current PR is 19:46.9.

I can see the other freshmen on the team running 17:08, 17:31, 16:49, and I just feel like I'm not fast enough. If I start running tempos before school, will that help? What should I do?—Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Thanks for your note.

Before diving in, I have to ask: Where is your coach in all this? He or she would be in a much better position to advise you here than I am. So my first bit of advice would be to have a heart-to-heart with your coach. (Though it must be noted that coaches aren't infallible; if yours gives you advice that seems off, don't be shy about seeking a second opinion.)

Meantime, based on what you've told me, I have five pieces of advice:

1. Be patient. This is one of my 3 Things Runners Need to Know, and it's crucial. I understand your eagerness and frustration, but if you're serious about getting stronger and faster you need to accept that it's going to take time. Impatience can be a runner's worst enemy, leading to burnout or injury or both.

2. Avoid comparing yourself with others. It's a natural impulse, especially when you're part of a team, but try to resist it. Instead turn your focus inward: Determine where you are today; decide where you'd like to be in a month, six months, a year (set ambitious, but realistic, goals); and then measure your success or failure based on that. Not on your teammates' PR's.

3. Make a plan. Winging it—e.g., by adding some tempo runs to your existing regimen, a la carte—just isn't a smart approach. This is not a time to throw things at the wall and see what sticks. Be smart. Be strategic. Again, this is where your coach comes in. He or she can help you map things out.

4. Have fun. Granted, runners can have pretty weird ideas of what constitutes "fun"—we're out there voluntarily making ourselves hurt, after all—but, generally speaking, you really should be enjoying yourself. Otherwise running will soon become a chore, a joyless grind. And who needs that?

5. Be grateful. I'm 47 years old(!), but I vividly remember being your age. A lot of it, at the time, sucked. But you know what? In a lot of ways, looking back, I was in a pretty special place back then. I was so young! Discovering so much! Able to eat an entire large pizza with no ill effects!

You're in that place today, brother. Embrace it. Especially when things get tough or you're feeling discouraged. Remember that, no matter what else, you are young and healthy and you're out there running. You're able to be out there, running.

That is a singularly wonderful thing. For real.

As for getting faster? That will come. Maybe not as quickly as you'd like, or as dramatically. But if you do the work— keeping these five things in mind—you will improve. I promise.

Best of luck to you, and best wishes for many years of happy, healthy running.

Yours Truly,
Mark

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When Is It Time to Abandon My Race Plans?

Mark Remy — Mon, 15 May 2017 14:53:05 GMT

istockphoto.com

Dear Dumb Runner,
My very first half-marathon is three weeks from now. I'd been training for 8:00-minute-per-mile pace, but the last four weeks of running have been spotty due to numerous tweaks (groin, left hip, right hip, pain in foot—not stress fracture). I have missed a 9-mile and 10-mile run. Two weeks ago I ran a 10K at 7:55 pace... and then my foot pain started (I just got fitted with new shoes; my previous ones were a size too big and caused over-supination.)

At what point is it just smarter to pull out of the race? I don't want to—I've put time, effort, and money into this—but I only have two weekends of long runs to fit in before the race and the longest previous run I've done is 8 miles. How do I bridge the gap from 8 miles to 13.1 in three weeks (minus the taper)?—Aaron C., Chicago

Aaron,

First, the good news: I applaud you for asking "at what point is it just smarter to pull out of the race?" before you're actually in the race. You're thinking ahead, which is smart right off the bat.

And some bonus good news: I will refrain from making the obvious "pull out" jokes. You're welcome.

Now for the bad: I would recommend you skip this race. Scrub the mission. Abort.

My answer might be different, if...

You had already gotten a few solid long runs (e.g., those 9- and 10-milers) in the bank before these injuries cropped up.
Your race was, say, six weeks away instead of just three. ("Cramming" might work, sometimes, for students. Not so much for runners.)
Brand-new shoes weren't suddenly part of the equation.
You'd been able to race that 10K, at your goal half-marathon pace, pain-free.

But here we are.

Given all of this, I can't in good conscience advise you to go for it. Even in a best-case scenario, I think you'd finish in a slower time than you want, and have an unpleasant time doing it. More likely your injuries will go from bad to worse—possibly sidelining you completely for weeks afterward—or you'll DNF. Those things are bummers in any race. In your first ever half-marathon, they'd be mega-bummers.

I understand how much it sucks to abandon a race after investing so much in it. But in the long run—no pun intended—I think it would be smart to let this one go, recover fully from your injuries, then start fresh. A half-marathon late this summer or early fall sounds about right.

Good luck to you—and get well!

Yours Truly,
Mark

UPDATE
About a week after emailing his question, Aaron sent this follow-up: "I saw a podiatrist who took additional X-rays. I do in fact have early signs of a stress fracture, so I am now in a walking boot for at least three weeks. Thanks to you I had stopped running and didn't do additional damage."

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Do Elites Use GPS Watches in Marathons?

Mark Remy — Tue, 14 Mar 2017 23:15:38 GMT

istockphoto.com

Dear Dumb Runner,
So you know how amateur runners can't run a proper tangent? And so when we finish a marathon our fancy GPS watches always show a longer distance, like 42.6km for a marathon? Part of the argument is that as midpackers we don't run a straight line and never run the ideal tangent. And I'm cool with that. But do the elites get any closer? I mean, since they are up there trying to run the perfect line, they must get a lot closer to the right distance on their GPS watches... Right?—Lyle M., Montreal

Dear Lyle,

The real question here—meaning, the question that interests me the most—is, "Do elites use GPS watches in races?" I've always assumed they don't.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

First, a quick primer for those readers who may not be familiar with the phrase "running the tangents":

Running the tangents means taking the shortest, fastest line through a turn or around a corner. Imagine how a race car driver or a fast cyclist would take a corner at speed—she swings wide to enter the curve, aims for the apex, then swings wide again as she exits. (In motorsports, this arc is known as "the racing line.")

In practice, that should look something like this:

It should not look like this:

Marathons are measured along their shortest possible routes, so if you aren't running the tangents along the way you are adding distance.

Nobody runs absolutely geometrically perfect tangents for an entire marathon. But yes, Lyle, I think it's safe to say that elites come much closer than us mere mortals. For one thing, well, they're elites. They've been trained to race as efficiently as possible. For another, because they go out fast and first, there's rarely anyone around to prevent them from running a clean tangent. It's not like an elite is going to find himself having to circumvent a line of walkers rounding a corner four abreast, taking selfies.

[EDIT: As some readers have correctly pointed out, certain major marathons paint a blue strip along the race course to mark the "racing line," including perfect tangents.]

As to the second part of your question, the bit about the distance shown on elites' GPS watches: Again, I've always assumed that elites generally don't wear GPS watches in marathons. (I myself have rarely, if ever, worn a fancy GPS watch during a marathon—I use an old-school Timex Ironman to click off my mile splits.)

Your question got me wondering, though, so I asked around via Twitter. Here's what I heard from...

Kara Goucher (@karagoucher), two-time Olympian and 2:24 marathoner:
"Non-GPS. I usually wear a regular watch and just take splits at every mile marker. I like to race on feel."

Desi Linden (@des_linden), two-time Olympian and 2:22 marathoner:
"Non-GPS. Satellite can be fussy in cities, taking manual splits at markers always reliable."

Mike Wardian (@mikewardian), marathon and ultra runner extraordinaire:
"I think most do now. If you are talking about a lot of the foreign athletes and Africans then usually not, at least that I see."

David Monti‏ (@d9monti), editor and publisher, Race Results Weekly:
"Most elites use non-GPS watches during marathon competitions, but I think this is slowly changing..."

There you have it. Some elites do use GPS watches, some don't, and it's slowly changing.

By the way: If you're wearing a GPS watch for a race and decide to cut the course, remember to turn your watch away from the camera when it's time for post-race photos.

Thank you for writing!

Yours,
Mark

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Can a Mexican Meal Give Me a Gas-Powered Boost?

Mark Remy — Mon, 27 Feb 2017 15:19:14 GMT

Herson Rodriguez, Unsplash.com

Dear Dumb Runner,
My friends invited me to meet them for tacos at a delicious Mexican restaurant, which is AWESOME. But I have a long run the next morning. What's the best way to eat at a Mexican restaurant so that you're ripping past your friends thanks to a stink powered boost?—Eric P., Minneapolis

Dear Eric,

I appreciate what you're saying, but you are playing with fuego here. Mexican food before a run—even the night before—is seldom a prudent choice. I would go so far as to call it imprudent.

Yes, I know. Imprudent is an ugly word. But this is your gastrointestinal tract we're talking about.

Is it possible to engineer a taco feast with precision, ingesting just the right things at just the right time, so that it results in explosive gas the next morning? Perhaps... if everything goes exactly the way it should. But it's also possible, likely even, that one tiny lapse—choosing the wrong night, or the wrong restaurant, to opt for pork over beef; getting some queso that's not so fresco; etc.—will come back to haunt you. In a memorably painful way.

There are other considerations, too—namely, those of your running buddies, who would be the ones made to witness the results if your little culinary plan goes wrong. A little "stink" could well be the least of their worries, let me assure you.

For the record, I think tacos pair extremely well with running—see Running and Tacos: FAQ—as long as you enjoy them after your run. If you must rip past your friends, then, I suggest you do so the old-fashioned way—i.e. by "digging deep."

Thank you for writing!

Yours,

Mark

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My Coach Wants Me to Give Up Sprinting; Should I?

Mark Remy — Mon, 16 Jan 2017 05:01:18 GMT

Tirza van Dijk, Unsplash.com

Dear Dumb Runner,
Hello! I am 16 years old and have just started running as part of the track team. I have never played a sport in my life before so I have to admit I'm very bad. Right now I am a sprinter, and I've only been to one track meet. The coach really wants me to try distance running, but I don't think I'd be much better there either. I am willing to work hard and I'd really, really like to continue to try sprinting.

The coach has a philosophy that you are either naturally a sprinter or you are not. I know this must be true to a certain extent but is it reasonable for me to continue to work at it? The coach keeps making comments in front of the team about people who need to switch to distance and it's really discouraging. Should I just do long distance or should I work my butt off until I'm a decent sprinter?

I believe I can do it, but maybe I'm wasting my time trying.—Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

If sprinting is what you want to do, then that is what you should do. No one else's opinions or agendas or philosophies should enter into the equation. Not even your coach's, with all due respect to him.

That's the short answer. Here's the longer one:

Teachers and other authority figures wield tremendous influence over the lives of young people. (Did I really just use the phrase young people? Man, I'm old.) Mostly they use this power for good, modeling wisdom, civility, thoughtfulness, compassion, respect, and so on. Sometimes they use it poorly, using their positions to quash creativity (a la my first-grade teacher, who ordered me to stop drawing little pictures on my schoolwork) or to fill their students' heads with bunkum (my high school history teacher, who was also a creationist preacher, telling us that carbon dating was nonsense).

In this case, your coach is using his power poorly.

I'm sure his intentions are good, but he's wrong to be pushing or pressuring you, or any of his athletes, into one discipline or another to fit his own preconceived notions of who is "naturally" suited for what. That goes double for any athlete who's only just starting—and triple for any athlete who's only just starting and has found something she's eager to pursue.

The role of a high school coach is to work with his athletes and to help them develop, not to steer them onto this path or that one against their wishes.

You aren't a baby. You're 16 years old, and you're doing exactly what 16-year-olds should be doing—trying things out, having fun, following your heart. In any event, you definitely should not be saying things like, I believe I can do it, but maybe I'm wasting my time trying.

What a heartbreaking thing to read!

For what it's worth: I ran track, too, way back in junior high. Hundred-yard dash. I sucked. Worse, I didn't enjoy it. So I quit.

Soon after, in high school, I took up cycling. Gradually I learned that while I was awful at short, intense events like criteriums, I excelled at long, sustained efforts, like centuries. So that's what I did, and it was great fun. After about a dozen years of that, I stumbled into distance running and discovered that I was even better at that.

Today, at age 46, I have done 26 marathons and I still love running. Living as I do in bike-friendly Portland, Oregon, I also use my bike a lot and I love that, too.

The takeaway here, Anonymous, is the word love. Do what you love. The rest, you'll find, has a way of sorting itself out.

Good luck to you!

Yours Truly,

Mark

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Can Running in Cold Weather Freeze My Penis?

Mark Remy — Mon, 02 Jan 2017 03:26:31 GMT

Dear Dumb Runner,
Is it possible to freeze my twig and berries while running in shorts during the winter months in Colorado? Will scratchy wool underwear under my shorts prevent any frostbite?—Mark P., Colorado

Dear Mark,

If you're referring to your penis and scrotum, then yes. It is possible to freeze those things while running in shorts during the winter months in Colorado. Well, they wouldn't actually freeze solid, you know, like Popsicle-brand ice pops. But if it's cold enough and you're out there long enough, you certainly run the risk of frostbite. On your penis and scrotum. Which is bad enough.

Scratchy wool underwear is one way to protect yourself, but in my experience overall insulation is less important than strategic shielding. This is why I personally opt for wind briefs—basically underwear with wind-blocking panels sewn in front. A good pair of wind briefs will serve you well in all but the most brutal conditions. You could try improvising—say, by sliding a sock or plastic bag down the front of your shorts. But that can result in slippage and friction, an annoyance during a short run and potential disaster during a longer one.

I speak from experience. Let's just leave it at that.

Decent wind briefs can be pricey, but isn't that a small price to pay when you consider the alternative? i.e., Locking yourself in the bathroom and splashing lukewarm water onto your crotch while your penis throbs with pain and you wonder if you'll ever be able to have children?

Good luck!

Yours,
Mark

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How Do I Confront Someone About Using a Friend's Race Bib?

Mark Remy — Wed, 16 Nov 2016 17:08:23 GMT

istockphoto.com

Dear Dumb Runner,
I was dumbfounded recently, when, after a spinning class, a woman started effusing about how EXCITED she is to be running the New York City Marathon. Here's the deal: she's using her BFF's bib. "It's sooooo hard to get into," she explained, "but my bestie knew how badly I wanted to do it, so she qualified and gave me her number." The general response in the room was "Oh, what a great friend." I bit my tongue. I know this woman was dumb for over-sharing, but was I dumb for not saying anything? Is there a smart way to be holier than thou?—Carol F., Colorado

Dear Carol,

It is not the "New York City Marathon," as you so cavalierly refer to it. It is the TCS New York City Marathon, and the people at Thomasville City Schools paid good money for that privilege. We must respect that.

Now on to your question.

I don't think it's being "holier than thou" to call out cheating when we see it. (And yeah, racing with someone else's bib number is cheating—especially at a big event like NYC.) Staying quiet amounts to tacit approval. It normalizes and helps to perpetuate bad behavior.

Is using a friend's bib the worst thing in the world? Of course not. But it's a shabby thing to do. It's unfair to other runners who truly earned their spots, not to mention those who failed to earn a spot and aren't running, and it can even be dangerous.

This doesn't mean you should make a big deal of it. You shouldn't. The trick is to make your objections heard without coming across as what etiquette experts call an "asshole."

First, try to keep your self-righteous indignation in check. No one likes a sanctimonious scold. Second, begin your conversation with a positive tone—e.g., "New York is a great race! Several friends of mine have run it"—before getting to the point. Third, approach the topic from the right perspective. Think less "you're doing something wrong" and more "that can be dangerous, and it's sort of unfair to other runners."

You can, and probably should, mention that speaking up like this isn't easy for you but that you felt compelled to do so.

Ideally this conversation will happen privately, one-on-one. Being reprimanded, even very politely, in front of others will only embarrass and humiliate.

Good luck.

Yours,
Mark

* Who the Hell is "Mark"?

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How Does a First-Timer Choose a Marathon Training Plan?

Mark Remy — Wed, 02 Nov 2016 16:23:31 GMT

istockphoto.com

Dear Dumb Runner,
I'm running my first marathon in four months. I keep vacillating between training plans. Do you have a favorite for a beginning marathoner? I am comfortable running half marathons and I'm a streaker so rest days are 1-mile runs, I guess. It's hard to choose between Hansons and Higdon, etc. Even Nike has some weird junk on their app now. I'm not trying to do anything amazing, just run the whole thing. I figure that different plans work better for different people, but I thought I would ask you in case there is an easy answer.—Emily O., Texas

Dear Emily,

First of all, congratulations! Your first marathon is a big deal.

Second, please don't freak out. Because yes, there is an easy answer here. But it has nothing to do with any particular training plan vs. another.

I actually answer this question—or a broader version of it, anyway—elsewhere on this very site, under Training for Runners: FAQ...

Where can I find a training plan?
Training plans are a dime a dozen, and you can find them nearly everywhere. Even on the internet! Soon, I predict, we will start seeing them tucked under the windshield wipers of parked cars.

As with so many goods and services available today, the sheer number of training plans out there may leave you feeling overwhelmed to the point of paralysis. There are "beginner," "intermediate," and "advanced" plans, 5K plans, half-marathon plans, walk/run plans, couch-related plans, three-day-a-week marathon plans, course-specific plans, goal-time-specific plans, and on and on. It's nuts.

How do I choose the right training plan for me?
Listen closely, because Dumb Runner is going to let you in on a little secret: For most of you reading this, it doesn't matter a lick which plan you choose. Stop agonizing. Just pick one.

There are caveats, of course. First and foremost, take an honest look at yourself – your current fitness, running history, overall health – and choose a plan that seems reasonable. If you're starting from zero, trying to follow a Break 3:00 Marathon Plan would be insane.

In essence: Use your head. Browse around, eyeball some training plans, and go for one that you feel is a good fit. You'll be fine.

It's true. Especially for a first-time marathoner whose primary goal is to finish.

Think of it this way: Marathon training plans are a lot like "diet" plans. There are probably hundreds of diet plans and nutrition philosophies out there by now, some flakier than others, and at least 90% of them are utterly unnecessary. Redundant. Seriously. When it comes to eating smart, you don't need the paleo diet or Atkins or, God help us all, the Martha's Vineyard Diet Detox. You just need to follow a few simple principles, and stick with them as best you can.

As Michael Pollan famously put it:

"Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants."

Likewise with marathon training. Worry less about which plan you choose and more about following a few simple rules—namely, build gradually; take time to recover; run most of your miles easy; and taper.

Remember, too, that you aren't locking yourself into anything. If you realize a few weeks into a plan that it's too ambitious for you or just isn't working out, you can tweak it to suit your needs or even jump to a new plan. Starting a marathon training program isn't like getting on a roller coaster. There's no padded bar locked across your lap, trapping you. You are in control.

Emily, it sounds as if you have a tremendous base of fitness and a good head on your shoulders. I have every reason to believe that this advice will serve you as well as it's served me.

Good luck!

Yours,
Mark*

* Who the Hell is "Mark"?

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What Are the Odds I'll Find a Dead Body When I Run?

Mark Remy — Wed, 26 Oct 2016 04:26:27 GMT

istockphoto.com

Dear Dumb Runner,
I've been running for 15-plus years, often on trails that are not highly trafficked. If I believe what I have seen on TV, I should have found a dead body by now. I haven't. Are there real statistics out there on how often runners stumble onto a crime scene? Have I just been really lucky?—Cara H.J., Pullman, Washington

Dear Cara,

Well, that's television, isn't it? The same place where even the toughest cases can be cracked in 43 minutes and detectives are paired to maximize sexual tension?

However! It is true that runners—well, joggers, to be precise—do indeed seem to discover an inordinate number of bodies. This phenomenon is well documented—including by me—to the point that it's literally become a joke.

It makes sense. While precise numbers are elusive, it's safe to say that there are tens of millions of runners in the United States; this source pegs the number around 60 million. That's an awful lot of humans running an awful lot of miles. Sooner or later, we're bound to find something... awful.

(In fairness, sometimes we find good things, right? Like money? I know I have.)

So, yeah, on any given run there is a tiny chance that any of us could stumble across a body. How tiny? Nobody knows. Not even the people who track this stuff for a living.

"There are not any statistics on how many times runners find bodies that I am aware of," Kevin T. Wolff, Ph.D., Assistant Professor, John Jay College of Criminal Justice said in an email.

"It would take going into the case notes of each homicide to see how/where the body was discovered to find that answer," he continued. "Unfortunately, that is not something that a police department is likely to turn over. I had a hard time just getting an XY coordinate of killing, much less any information about it."

I'm going to guess, Cara, that you're much more likely to be struck by lightning than to find a body during a run. Of course, if you are struck by lighting you just might become a dead body yourself, waiting to be discovered by the next runner. Circle of life.

In closing, let me leave you with a few questions of my own: Do you run with headphones? Ever "zone out" and get tunnel vision? If so, over 15-plus years of trail runs, isn't it possible that you've run past a dead body... without even noticing?

Sleep well!

Yours,
Mark

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Is It OK For Me to Run In the Street?

Mark Remy — Wed, 12 Oct 2016 18:03:52 GMT

istockphoto.com

Dear Dumb Runner,
I live in a neighborhood that was developed from old ranch land and people who live here like to act as if they're ranchers, too, even though we're in the middle of the suburbs. Lots of oversized pickups and SUVs that don't fit in garages and are long enough to block the sidewalk. (Or they just have 50 cars because "this is Texas.") The sidewalk is extremely uneven and broken up in places, as well.

Here's my question: If a sidewalk is provided, am I still within my rights to run in the street?—Russell B., Haslet, Texas

Dear Russ,

Just about everyone who runs regularly, and for any significant distance, tends to prefer streets over sidewalks.

We'll get to "why" in a moment. But first, to your question: Are you within your rights to do this? i.e. Is it legal?

The answer you usually get to this question is: No. Typically the law says that pedestrians—including runners—are required to use sidewalks where sidewalks are available; where they are not available, pedestrians should face oncoming traffic and remain as far away from traffic as they reasonably can.

You'll also get a canned quote from a lawyer or a police officer—though police officers can be surprisingly ignorant of actual law—and a few esoteric citations ("Section 10.40.030," "Ord. 2940 § 10.3," etc.).

The answer you'll get from me is: No, and it doesn't matter.

First, let's dispense with this notion that because something is "illegal," it is necessarily abhorrent or heinous or recklessly irresponsible. It isn't.

Driving 60 mph in a 55 mph zone is illegal. So is jaywalking. So is honking at someone just because you're angry at them. (At least in Michigan.)

I admit that I have done all of these things. I'm willing to bet that most of us have. The world continues to spin.

The real question, then, is: Are you safe running in the street? And the answer to that one is: It depends. Only you can make that call.

Here's the thing. When I run I am constantly scanning my environment. You know how in movies like The Terminator sometimes the camera will show you how the world looks to a robot or cyborg? How its field of vision is overlaid with grids and data and readings on life forms and so on...?

That's what the world looks like to me when I'm running. Only I'm assessing potential threats and obstacles—constantly.

Is the sidewalk smooth, or buckled and broken? Is it crowded? Are there curb cuts, or will I have to negotiate curbs twice per block? There's a guy with headphones up there, walking his dog on one of those retractable leashes—will they hear me approaching?

How about the street—is it wide, or narrow? In good repair? Is traffic heavy, or light? Am I familiar enough with this stretch to know where the especially tricky or busy bits are?

In sum: Which is more likely to provide a smooth, safe surface? Which is the smarter choice?

Most of the time, for me, running in the street is the better bet. All things considered, that is usually where I feel safest. Even when the sidewalk briefly looks more appealing I tend to stick to the street, because constantly switching from one to another introduces its own risks.

(I will pause here to note that often it's less important where you run than how you run—especially when you're on streets and roads, it's important to run defensively, predictably, and visibly. And for cripe's sakes, run facing traffic. Use your head!)

Motorists, as a whole, don't seem to get this. That's understandable. For one thing, most of them, statistically, aren't runners themselves. Whereas most runners are also motorists, giving us a more complete perspective.

For another, I suspect that few of them spend much time on actual sidewalks. The average motorist, I think, when he thinks of sidewalks, pictures something like this:

istockphoto.com

When the reality is more often this:

istockphoto.com

And for what it's worth, I think a lot of motorists aren't truly angry when they tell us to "get off the road"—they're scared. They don't want to hurt or kill an innocent pedestrian. So when they see a runner coming at them, where they don't expect one, they freak—and that emotion manifests as anger.

Just a theory.

The bottom line, Russell, is that you need to decide, based on a multitude of factors, where you feel safest running in any given situation. And then run there—safely!

Thanks for your question.

Yours,
Mark

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Why Are Running Shoes So Ugly?

Mark Remy — Wed, 28 Sep 2016 05:14:58 GMT

Dear Dumb Runner,
Why are running shoes so goddamned ugly? Has anyone ever studied this?—Ben G., Ann Arbor, Michigan

Dear Ben,

You're right that many (not all!) of today's running shoes are objectively, categorically, and undeniably awful to look at. They are, indeed, goddamned ugly.

Actually, that language is a bit harsh, isn't it? Instead let's use the phrase "goddamned tacky."

Why are they so goddamned tacky? Good question. Data on running shoes abound, but no one—to my knowledge—has ever examined their aesthetics in any rigorous, academic way.

So we can only speculate as to why otherwise rational people who wouldn't be caught dead wearing, say, a T-shirt in a purple/red/yellow pattern with black trim and shiny metallic accents seem to have no problem paying good money for a similarly designed running shoe.

We can only guess what's going through their heads when they pick up a pair of lime-green trail shoes with fuchsia cross hatching and orange-and-white-checkered shoelaces and ridiculous strips and nodules all over them and think, Yeah... that seems about right.

We can only wonder, too, why running shoe manufacturers produce stuff this horrendous-looking in the first place.

Honestly, how in the world did we go from this...

IMAGE VIA ETSY.COM

...to this?

I have a few theories.

Theory #1: Shoes Have Become More Complex, and Shoe Makers Want You to Know That

Thirty or forty years ago running shoes were dead simple. They had soles and uppers and laces, and came in a few colors. Very few people bought them, because very few people ran.

Then came the first running boom. More people running meant more demand, which meant more shoes from more manufacturers—in short, the market grew crowded and competitive. Suddenly shoe makers had to find ways to make each model appear distinct from the rest, including others in their own lines. This is called product differentiation, and it happens with everything from yogurt to laundry detergent.

As a result, shoes have become more technically "advanced," with new features and embellishments. (A cynic might call them gimmicks. But we aren't cynics, are we?) Since most of these changes—a new material used in the midsole, for example—aren't obvious or even visible, maybe manufacturers use crazy design elements to represent a shoe's complexity.

Or, as one industry insider said to me recently, such shoes are made to look "as though there is some technology involved."

When it comes to sales and marketing, in other words, shoe manufacturers have decided that "high-tech" beats "beauty."

Theory #2: In an Insanely Crowded Marketplace, Shoes Need to Grab Your Attention

As of this writing, RunningWarehouse.com offers about 815 pairs of running shoes from 25 brands. Eight hundred and fifteen. Think about that for a minute.

In their efforts to get noticed, shoe designers appear to be engaged in a frantic, no-holds-barred battle, deploying stripes, strips, mesh, bumps, bits, grids, insets, cutouts, layers, panels, studs, grooves, welts, ridges, text, logos, icons, and colors not found in nature to see who can produce the tackiest-looking (i.e. most noticeable) product.

I'd argue that this is actually a great opportunity for anyone willing to design simple, clean-looking shoes, since they presumably would stand out more amid all the ugly. But hey, what do I know? I'm just a writer.

Theory #3: The Whole Thing Is a Joke

You see enough of these ghastly, garish shoes and you seriously start to wonder: Is it all nothing more than an after-hours bar bet that took on a life of its own?

Did it start years ago with two low-level designers getting bored and trying to outdo each other's ugly shoe designs until one of them accidentally made it into production, leading to surprisingly brisk sales and therefore more awful designs, and so on, until before anyone knew what was happening we were up to our eyeballs in ugly shoes, Tribble-style, and the guys who started it all were freaking out, thinking to themselves, It was never supposed to go this far, this was never part of the plan?

Who knows? Again, these are only theories. But I think each has at least some truth to it.

By the way, Ben, please don't get discouraged. There are still simple, classic-looking shoes out there—Adidas in particular offers plenty—so keep looking till you find a pair that feels good and looks good.

Or, you know, just get yourself those Waffle Trainers.

Thanks for your question.

Yours,
Mark

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When Does a 'Base' Become a Plateau?

Mark Remy — Tue, 06 Sep 2016 14:04:49 GMT

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Dear Dumb Runner,
Most ultra training is based on a philosophy that you spend weeks/months building a slow steady base. You will run the majority of your runs "easy", and then build your speed and aerobic threshold on top of your established base. So in theory, you could establish your base during a set training plan for any particular distance and feel pretty comfortable that you will finish. At what point does this base-building plateau? Do elite runners who are running 100+ miles a week and have been for some years continue to build a base?—Craig M, Charleston, South Carolina

Dear Craig,

I've never answered a running question by citing a Clint Eastwood character before, but today I will. To quote "Dirty" Harry Callahan: "A man's got to know his limitations." My own limitations, right now, prevent me from answering your question in any meaningful way. I just don't know enough about training or exercise physiology.

On top of that, I suspect that your question—"At what point does base-building plateau?"—is nebulous enough that even a true expert would have trouble giving you a definitive answer. I doubt that that's something you can pinpoint or quantify.

I can, however, throw out a few semi-educated opinions and observations:

You're right that base-building is crucial in any training plan—ultra or otherwise.
You're right, too, that most of the mileage in any training plan should be run "easy." (So many people get that wrong.)
Building a "base" is a process. You don't train for weeks or months and then wake up one morning with a base. Therefore...
The point at which your base plateaus is similarly fuzzy.
In my opinion, you've reached a plateau when you feel you've reached a plateau. I know how silly that sounds. But I believe it. Your mind and body will tell you when you've stopped climbing and reached cruising altitude. Just listen to them.
I would caution against spending too much time in this "base" mode without interruption. Heavy mileage week in and week out, done indefinitely, is a recipe for burnout or injury or both.
Elite runners are freaks. I urge you not to use them as yardsticks for anything relating to your own training.

I hope this is at least somewhat helpful, and I'm sorry I can't speak with more authority here. Maybe when I publish this, it will attract the attention of someone who can.

Thanks for your question.

Yours,
Mark

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Why Do People Say 'Good Job' When They Pass Me in a Race?

Mark Remy — Mon, 29 Aug 2016 14:09:01 GMT

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Dear Dumb Runner,
I recently ran a trail race where three different distances were on parts of the course at the same time. Much of it was single track so when someone wanted to pass, slower runners had to step off the trail and wait. Some of the time, runners in the longest distance were standing aside for runners in a shorter distance who were just starting out. A great majority of them would say "Good job" as they passed. Stand aside for four people, hear "good job," "good job," "good job," "good job."

I started wondering: What was this job that I was doing so well? Being slower than you? Getting far enough out of your way? Just being out running? Wouldn't "thanks" be better, and less condescending? And what should I say back?—Teresa R., Long Beach, California

Dear Teresa,

Hearing "good job" has become so common during races, we've largely stopped hearing it. It's background noise, like the half-hearted clapping of bored spectators or the rhythmic breathing of our fellow runners.

The phrase itself, absent any context, sounds nice and positive—half of it is the word good!—and in many settings it is. In others, it's just weird, at best.

I've said (and heard) "good job" many times myself, while passing someone (or being passed) in a road race. In these cases, the full intended message, I think, is "good job hanging in there, the pain is almost over, keep it up." At least that's what I mean when I say it. Or gasp it.

In the scenario you describe? "Good job... standing there"? Yeah, that sounds odd. Especially when it's repeated in rapid succession. In this case, you are correct that a simple "thanks" would have been more appropriate. That's what we say to acknowledge an act of kindness.

As for what you should have said back, that's a tough one. A snarky "you're welcome" would probably just confuse the runner passing you, if he or she heard it at all. A curious "what?" or "huh?" would convey your sense of puzzlement, and might, maybe, make him or her pause to think.

Or you could fight fire with fire, and respond to this verbal silliness with an equally absurd non sequitur, e.g.,

Runner passing you on narrow trail: "Good job!"

You, standing aside as runner passes: "Legume!"

Personally I think it's time we retire the phrase "good job" altogether. "Good job" had a good run. ("Good job," good job!) But it's grown trite and, as your experience illustrates, it can come across as mindless and annoying. It's our version of the restaurant server's "are you still working on that?" A small thing, but it grates.

Surely there are better, more original things we could say to encourage each other in these situations. How about "looking good"? Or "hang in there"? Or, I dunno, "hi"? Something to think about during the next race.

Thanks for the question. Nice work!

Yours,
Mark

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When a Cyclist Comes at Me, Which Way Do I Move?

Mark Remy — Wed, 17 Aug 2016 14:16:37 GMT

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Dear Dumb Runner,
What's the etiquette when a runner and a cyclist cross paths on a road with a shoulder? Should the runner always go to the left to be at the edge of the road, even though this puts the cyclist closer to traffic? Does the right answer change depending on whether the runner sees cars approaching?—Megan P., Ithaca, New York

Dear Megan,

This is a good question. I've encountered this scenario many times, and it seems like either way you go it's dicey, for you or the cyclist or both.

First, let's stipulate that you, the runner, are running against traffic and that the cyclist is riding with traffic. (As it should be.) Put another way, you are running against traffic and in this case "traffic" means everything coming at you—motor vehicles, bicycles, horse-drawn carriages, everything that isn't a fellow pedestrian. Even if those things are using the shoulder.

In this case, I advise moving left for an oncoming cyclist, for three reasons:

The cyclist can (legally) travel in a traffic lane; a runner really shouldn't, for everyone's sake.
When a runner "threads the needle" between a cyclist and a motorist she puts the cyclist in a needlessly fraught place, suddenly having to thread a needle himself, between the edge of the road (debris, sewer grate, ditch, curb?) and a pedestrian.
If things get hairy, it's much preferable in this scenario for you, the runner, to have an emergency "out"—i.e. to be able to leap away if need be. If you're the middle of a traffic sandwich, you've got nowhere to go.

Does this advice change if there's no other traffic, like on a flat rural road? Not for me it doesn't. When it comes to matters of etiquette, especially where safety is involved, I'm a fan of consistency and predictability. So I try to behave the same way no matter what.

Besides which, while it's easy for you to see there's not a string of cars approaching, the cyclist can't. Not unless he's just glanced over his shoulder. All he'll see is a runner coming toward him and moving to her right, forcing him to either thread that needle (between her and the very edge of the shoulder) or (b.) move even further to his left into the lane of travel. Both of those options suck for the cyclist. I say this as a former longtime cyclist myself.

So, to recap: Move to your left to let an oncoming cyclist pass. Slow or even stop for a few moments, if need be. While you're at it, smile and wave! The cyclist will appreciate it, you'll both be safer, and the world will be a little bit nicer.

Thanks for your question. Stay safe.

Yours,
Mark

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Is It Rude That My Running Buddy Wears Headphones?

Mark Remy — Wed, 27 Jul 2016 04:12:06 GMT

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Dear Dumb Runner,
So a friend asks to run with you, but always puts on her headphones before you start running. Is this rude? Sure, the music must be low enough because she can still carry on a conversation, but if you tell the person it bothers you and she still does it, is it better just to say no next time she invites herself on a run?—Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

There are two questions here, so I'll address them one at a time.

First, is it rude for a friend to join you for a run and then to use headphones or earbuds? I think it is. (I'm not a fan of using headphones or earbuds while running outdoors in general, but that's a topic for another day.) (Specifically for March 18, 2016.)

I consider it rude mostly because of the signal it sends and the tone it sets, before you've taken a single step—i.e., "Hey, thanks for letting me run with you. Now excuse me while I physically plug my ears." It's tacky and graceless. (And I know that plenty of running partners both wear headphones while running together. I find this mystifying, but that, too, is a topic for another day.)

The fact that your friend can apparently still hear you and engage in conversation is beside the point. So is the fact that "lots of people do it," which is a defense I suspect she might use. Lots of people stare at their phones while dining with others, too. Doesn't make it any less tacky or graceless.

Are we really unable to pry our phones and music players from our clawlike grips for the duration of a run with a friend? To just unplug and enjoy the company of another human? Must every moment of every activity be accompanied by a soundtrack?

Have we really become this dull?

Even if you dismiss all of the above as Grumpy Old Man blather—and I know some runners will—there's the fact that this friend persists in her behavior even after you told her that it bothers you. That's not just rude. It's boorish.

So, to answer your second question: Is it better just to say no the next time this friend invites herself on a run?

Given how much her habit seems to bug you, I'd say yes.

If she asks why you're suddenly snubbing her, be honest. (But not judgmental.) Maybe she'll decide she values your companionship more than her '90s R&B Pandora station. Or not. At least you'll have cleared the air.

Good luck!

Yours,
Mark

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