Dumped Days

After Getting Dumped 4 Things You Should Not Do

Persha — Mon, 18 Feb 2013 16:26:57 +0000

After I got dumped, I did so many things that I really regret now. I had friends’ who told me these exact things I am about to write. At the time, I wasn’t thinking clearly and I guess I was blinded by emotion.

I admit that getting dumped made me do certain things I wouldn’t otherwise even think of! It took me a while to know or rather realize what I was doing was wrong. It wasn’t helping me get over being dumped. Nor did it help my credibility in the eyes of my ex. In fact I lost the chance to be “just friend’s” because of all the things I shouldn’t have done!

1. Pleading to get back together

You need to keep your head high and accept the break up. It’s not easy. In fact, its heart wrenchingly painful.

The more you plead the more desperate you sound, the less likely someone is even going to consider getting back with you.
Often, they’ll consider you to be a real nuisance and try to cut out any communication with you.

If the friendship means anything to you, make sure you don’t come off as desperate by “degrading” yourself.

Further reading
Can You Really Be Friends With Your Ex After Being Dumped?

5 Practical Ways To Forget Your Ex Fast

2. Don’t stalk your ex

You are tempted to know what your ex is up to after he/she dumped you. If your ex has moved on with somebody else, then this will be tormenting for your to watch! I am not talking about old school stalking either! These days you can get to know what someone is doing online. Facebook stalking is equally or even more damaging!

3. Contacting your Ex’s friends

If you’ll were mutual friends then it does make sense to keep in touch with them. Though I’d find it awkward. Another pitfall of the break up, if you shared mutual friends!

Anyways, if you keep bothering your ex’s friends, your ex might not like that. Sometimes, your ex might not want them to know all the details about your relationship, what led to the break up etc.

4. Not letting go

There will come a time when you have to think of a life besides your ex. I don’t expect this to be the day after you got dumped! With time, you’ll come to realize that it’s inevitable.

Further reading

Got Dumped By Someone You Loved? The Road To Recovery Starts Here

Everything happens for a reason, even though sometimes, we might not see it that way.

As hard as it may be for you to let go, it’s the only way you will be able to move forward.

Will I Always Be Alone?

Persha — Sat, 05 Jan 2013 14:26:13 +0000

When I was in my teens (decades ago!) I had a vision of how my life would be in my thirties – Happily married with a couple of kids. The usual to do list that practically every parent envisions for their child – study, get a good job, get married, have kids and life happily ever after.

I look at my life now, and wonder what the ** happened. Where is that dream ? Where is that outcome ? How did life become so messed up!

In one aspect of my life, it’s been great. I did write about it before – Smart Women, Foolish Choices: Finding the Right Men Avoiding the Wrong Ones (If only it was that easy!)

I did try…
Life After Break Up Building Walls Of Hope Of Love And Relationships

But then, all the failed relationships that went nowhere. With every heart breaking experience I feel I am losing a bit of myself.

It’s scary, I getting used to being alone and it’s even scarier that being alone is much easy!

Have you every had that feeling ?

Reasons it’s easier to be alone

I am a big fan of Grey’s Anatomy. There was this introduction phrase in episode, S 7 E 22 – “Unaccompanied Minor” that really resonated with me.
I thought of sharing it with you.

There’s a reason I said I’d be happy alone.
It wasn’t cause I thought I’d be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it.

It’s easier to be alone. Because what if you learn you need love and then you don’t have it? What if you like it and lean on it?
What if you shape your life around it, and then it falls apart?
Can we even survive that kind of pain?

Losing love is like organ damage.
It’s like dying.
The only difference is death ends.
This?
It could go on forever.

No matter who you are , no matter how much of protected gear you where you are going to get the crap kicked out of you.
The pain of it is not going to disappear overnight.

But should we really be alone, because its easier to be alone? Sometimes risking it all may be worth it. But how do you know, what guarantee is there?

Only time will tell.

He Dumped Me! How To Gain Confidence & Recover From Feeling Of Not Good Enough

Persha — Fri, 12 Oct 2012 13:08:22 +0000

There isn’t probably a woman out there who has been dumped by one man or another at one particular time. I guess the same is true for men too. The fact of life is that people decide to be in a relationship, some fall in love and live happily ever after. Or the inevitable happens. If it’s not a mutual break up, one person ends the relationship. The victim, we consider as being dumped.

Often, the reasons for getting dumped may be vague. You might not have a proper explanation or closure. You are left to wonder,

“Wasn’t I hot enough?”
“thin enough?”

“What does she have that I don’t?”

The sinking feeling that you were not good enough for your man.

This really is a bitter experience. Take it from someone who’s been there. May be those experiences still have a few scares which can’t be covered up!
When someone dumps you,
You feel rejected
You second guess your self
You feel “guarded”
You trust other people less
You don’t want to get into a relationship again
This make finding someone new, much much harder.

May be you still wonder why you are still single? You really have a great career and in general consider yourself a good person. But yet, all your friends and even high school acquaintances seem to have a great family with a man they love. But why not you?

That’s a harsh reality. But a reality we all need to face, however daunting it may seem.

I’ll be honest and say that I don’t have the answers. I am no shrink. If you are reading this, I would assume that you are also a victim that was once dumped or at going through a period of being dumped right now. That’s what we have in common.

Even if you tried, you are now unable to get back to your “old self”. It’s like the carpet you were standing on top was just ripped right out. You end up on the floor with a sudden thud. You end up landing on your bum! Well, at least that’s how I feel..

The whole experience of being dumped has changed you.
You wonder, “Will we ever be good enough for someone?”

Don’t let one person effect your confidence

Relationships fail for various reasons and if in case he told you that you were not good enough, remember it’s just one persons impression about you. It will not mean every man on this planet will feel the same way about you.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.-Eleanor Roosevelt

Is one of my all time favorite quotes. If you dwell on it for a few minutes you realize that it’s true. People can say anything about you, but you control how you think and react. I know all too well, that it’s easier said that done though.

Writing down your feelings helps

Dumped Days (this blog) started when one fine day I decided to sit and write about what I was feeling and things I am doing to overcome my dark days. Gradually, there was a community being formed around the concept of being dumped and recovering from it. Up to today, I have received around 2000 odd emails from various people, relating their stories of bad break ups.

It doesn’t have to be a public display, if you wish you can use an the old “dear diary” too. Somehow writing about your feelings makes it feel smoother. Importantly, I am able to think rationally, even.. for a while!

Let go of the past

Past is the past. It’s done. You probably have many “could have” “should have” feeling but you have to accept that you can’t change the outcome now. No amount of thinking can make you reverse time. Unlike the movies, you won’t get a “replay”.

Find something that make you feel good

No, I am not taking about anything illegal here! Sometimes, all it takes to feel good about yourself is a small change. It could a new hair cut, going for a working out, taking up ballroom dancing etc.. Do something you enjoy.

Use affirmations to motivate you

I have several such affirmation in post it notes in various places in my apartment. See below for another quote. If you say this often, you just might start believing it!

“You are kind, capable, smart, and strong. You’ve got your own special brand of beauty, and a unique blend of great qualities. No one can match that! So go ahead and stand a little taller today. You are fabulous!”

Can You Really Be Friends With Your Ex After Being Dumped?

Persha — Tue, 28 Aug 2012 14:32:07 +0000

If he dumps you and wants to be “just” friends, what does it really mean?

1. He is just being nice

For some Godforsaken reason guys think saying “let’s just be friends” is a gentler way to dump someone!
May be they feel guilty about hurting you. Perhaps, they think that “staying friends” will make up for it.

Here’s a few lines I’ve heard,
“You are one of the nicest person’s I’ve met. I’d like to stay friends with you”
(In my mind, I was like, if I was the nicest person, why not date me!!!!)

2.He is lonely and needs a friend

Sometimes, when a relationship grows may be the friendship also got stronger. You end up being each other’s friend.

3.He can’t do without you (he like you but for some reason doesn’t want the relationship)

During one of my break ups, I thought the last most one. (Anyone who get dumped and has feeling for the other, would probably think the same? ) I didn’t want to accept that it was a different reason.
I took his calls. We went on “friend dates” like movies etc .

Honestly, I thought he would change his mind and we would date again.
But that never happened. In the end, I was more hurt even more than the “actual” dumping because I had more expectations of our friendship.

What I didn’t know then about being friends with my ex

Looking back at the whole situation in a more “mature” adult manner, that I had the choice on whether I wanted to be his friend or not.

Do you know why your ex wants to be friends with you?

You really really need to figure that out before you agree to be friends with your ex.
Often, we want to be friends because we hope that it will lead to something more later on. Perhaps he will change his mind.

While there’s so much debate on whether you can actually befriends after being dumped, my opinion is that you can’t be “just friends” with someone who have feeling for. (that’s my opinion, what’s yours? Leave a comment below)

If you cover up your true emotions and pretend to enjoy your ex’s company, it’s a road that might lead to more hurt that you could imagine.

It gradually kills you inside because you are hoping, of all hopes that it will happen one day. But in essence it doesn’t. It hurts more to realize that he has move on, worst yet to hear about him talk about the new love he found!

5 Breakup Songs To Rethink Your Past And Move On

Persha — Sun, 29 Jul 2012 16:25:27 +0000

It’s been a while since I posted about any breakup songs here at Dumped Days. So day, I thought of putting together a few songs that really speak to my soul! When listening to these songs I feel as if it was written for me or rather about my break up situations!

1. Christina Perri – Jar of Hearts

You lost the love I loved the most …

2. Daughtry -Over You

Now that it’s all said and done,
I can’t believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down

3. Mariah Carey – Without You

This is a fairly old song and has gone through several remakes. If you really loved someone and then got dumped, this is what you feel like.
Can’t live
If living is without you

4. Gavin DeGraw – Not Over You

If you ask me how I’m doing
I would say I’m doing just fine
I would lie and say that you’re not on my mind
So true!

5. Adele – Someone Like You

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

Never mind, I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you, too

I bet you have your own break up song too. A song that you are related to well. What’s the song? What are the lyrics that resonate with you? Leave a comment below and let me know.

Final GoodBye – A Letter To Mr.Dumped

Persha — Wed, 20 Jun 2012 15:34:37 +0000

I was spring cleaning my hard disk and came across this email. This is an actual letter I wrote to someone about 5 years ago. Looking back at it now, I feel so naive and immature for being so desperate! I should have just moved on without hoping. Of course, at the time I was totally, into this guy and that’s the last thing I wanted to do. Anyways, I thought of publishing this here, to show you that there was a time in my life where I was this stupid!

Dear Mr.Dumped,
I went for a wedding recently and there was an inspiring sermon. Long story short, the priest had asked the groom why he was getting married to her. The groom had replied saying, “I can’t imagine a life without her”. Then the priest went on to say that usually guys reply saying “Because I want to spend the rest of my life with her” or “Because I love her” or etc…and that this guy’s reply was different yet appropriate. Anyway, it made me realize that I too, need someone to feel the same way about me… Someone to think that he can’t imagine a life without me. I need someone who would take a chance on me, despite the uncertain future, someone who would think that the trouble is worthwhile.-Which brings me to this mail.

I have honestly tried to be a ‘just friend’ to you, but it’s not working for me Mr.Dumped. The more I talk to you, the more I meet you, I get more attached. And it really scares me. ‘Cos you said you just want to be friends and that you have no feelings for me.
I am glad that you were honest with yourself and told me that you don’t have feelings for me. I don’t like it, but I do respect your choice.
I don’t want to force you into doing something you don’t want to. And I certainly don’t want to change you. As I see it, the only option is for me to change. I can’t hold on to something I don’t have.

So, it’s about time I said good-bye to you Mr.Dumped, I won’t be calling you, SMS’n or emailing you ever again. I have given this a lot of thought and I really am serious when I write this mail.

I know that emailing is a coward and cold way of saying it. I admit it. However, If I called you with the intent of saying this, I wouldn’t be able to do it without crying. And I didn’t want you to witness that. I don’t know what we have, whatever it is; I want it to end in a good note.

I am not doing this to be mean to you. In my heart, I know I have done everything possible to make it work between us. When it came to you, I had no ego left to massage. Mr.Dumped, I am not mad at you or I don’t hate you. I cherish the one and half years we had; The x’mas poem I wrote for you, the silly fights we had, playing the piano over the phone, the first time I met you, the movies we went to …. And more….I really was comfortable around you; both in phone conversations and meeting you in person. ‘THANK YOU’ for all that. I still am glad that I met you.

I hope you find whoever you are looking for. And I hope for your sake, your lady chosen finds you special, and treats you well. It’s out of my hands now.

Got Dumped By Someone You Loved? The Road To Recovery Starts Here

Persha — Wed, 06 Jun 2012 15:35:27 +0000

Being dumped by the person who love is heart ranching. It becomes a traumatic experience when your partner dumps you without a reason. There are many question lurking in the air. The mere thought of moving forward seems like a impossible task. You are in so much pain. You feel like your heart and soul is crippled.

You just entered the darkest times in your life. How in the world would you go on?

I was at such cross road about 2 years ago. I didn’t really think I could I would ever recover. Here I am today..

I’ll be honest I am not going to promise you that “everything will be ok”. Based on how much you loved the person, how attached you were and how long you were together, it will take time to get to the point that “everything will be ok”.
I am now “over it” . Surely, it’s been 2 years and if I was not over it, I would have to spend a lot of money on a psychiatrist! Nevertheless, the experience I went through, I am never the person I used to be. It has changed me, whether I like it or not! There are some things about me that I don’t like, but it’s the way it is..

Writing about my road to recover has helped me. Based on the countless emails I get on a daily basis I am happy that reading this blog helps other too. So, here are a few posts from the past which are useful, if you are going through a similar situation.

Taking it one day at a time..

The first few days are the most difficult ones you will ever have to go through. You may feel sad, confused and angry. You are going through a really painful period and it hurts all the way to the bone ?
Read on:I Just Got Dumped: Surviving The First Day After A Break Up

Getting over, getting rejected…

All your expectations come crumbling down; your ego is bruised.
Are you feeling no good enough?

Read on:Being Dumped Is The Worst Feeling Ever!

It really is NOT you

So they say, “It’s not you, it’s them” but can you really shake off that feeling?

Read on:Wise Words To Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself After Being Dumped

When there are so many “Why’”s..

What is it about me that drive people away?
You don’t have all the answers and it’s driving you crazy?

Read on:Why Did I Get Dumped? Why Did We Break Up? Why, Oh, Why…

It’s about time…

You cried your heart out; you’ve exhausted all the get back together options; there are no more days left for you to wallow around.
The inevitable truth remains…

Read on:After Being Dumped Force Yourself To Accept It

Taking the first step

You won’t be able to move on as long as you linger on to what’s left behind. It seems impossible to forget your ex, but you know it’s the right thing to do.

Read on:How To Forget Your Ex When EVERYTHING Around Reminds You Of Your Ex

Being alone again

You miss your ex; you miss the things you did together; you miss your friend and companion. Life is more boring and the day go ever so slowly…….

Read on:Ways To Cope With Loneliness After Being Dumped

Yes, you can…

One of my important pillars of strengths through this whole ordeal was affirmations. I had these as my desktop wall paper, post it notes in the bathroom mirror and every where I was “allowed” to have such sayings.

Read on:Inspiring Break Up Quotes To Ease The Pain and Move On

Suddenly single

You feel like you’ve lost everything that was important to you. You don’t want to go through, what you went through again. What should you do next?

Read on:The Irony Of Starting Over After A Break Up

Dumped and Damaged: When Love Ruins Your Life

Persha — Sun, 13 May 2012 08:19:27 +0000

Being in love is such a wonderful feeling, when everything seems right. Getting dumped is the last thing you often expect to happen. But it happens and you feel like your heart is being ripped out while you are still alive. Remember the Heroes TV series where a supernatural human can put the hand straight through the body and rip the heart out. At least for me, it felt like that.

It has been about 5 years now and by most standards I should have moved on to find someone new and live happily ever after. The truth is that I did move on. I did find many but I don’t know how to explain it but there wasn’t anyone who really met the so called standard of the person I once had in my life. I think I am over him now, but the fact that this guy I once loved, still lingers on. I don’t think I get myself to be happy with someone else.

Looking back at the whole situation now, I know how naive and immature I was back then. I wasn’t much of a believer of love even then, but this one guy changed my perspective on love. So I was pulled in, and the concept of love or being in love really consumed me.

Funny as the circumstance would have it, he is still single today and never been married. A friend of mine asked me one day whether I would get back with him now. So I was pondering on the fact of whether I would be happy with him now, since I can’t seem to find happiness with anyone else!

Here’s the truth. Even if he was the last guy on this planet, I don’t think I ever want to get back with him. Why, because I think back then I love him too much. You know the genuine love where one person might be willing to just about do anything, like even die for someone (like in the movies!). May be I was blinded by love so much so that it really ruined my life. I was angry and annoyed. I wondered what was so wrong with me, that he didn’t love me anymore.

I was second guessing myself and had little faith in what I had to offer. He made me feel inadequate.

Time heals all wounds, common break up advice dished out by many. But then, how long is long enough?

To this day, I still think that it’s the fact of me being so angry with him for what he did to me (or what I let myself get into!), that I can’t seem to get myself to love someone else. May be I am too scared to get hurt like that again. Or maybe I haven’t found the sort of person who can love me, for me. Sometimes, even though I write this blog which help many others, I don’t have answers for my own pain!

At the end of the day, I guess it all boils down to choices and consequences. Life goes on… what must be done, must be done!
There is this saying,

What does not kill me will make me stronger.

I sure hope it does!

Get Over A Break Up By Getting Fit – Lose Weight Shape Up To Look And Feel Good!

Persha — Sat, 05 May 2012 12:38:06 +0000

It wasn’t the happily ever after you planned. Here you are once again single and probably the thought of going through dating, finding someone you can even think of having a relationship can be really daunting. Exercising, losing weight and getting fit could be a part of a broad strategy to recover from the painful break up you are currently going through.

We generally tend to feel good when we look good. It has a weird way of increasing confidence. Exercising regularly is something that I’ve tried out myself in an attempt to get over being dumped. Not only did it helped me to feel confident about myself physically, it also helped me feel independent and in control.

So give it a try. Sweating out the stress and having a plan to lose weight might do wonders for you too.
A few things to keep in mind when you start on getting fit.

Remember you are doing this for YOU!

Generally, you might tend to think, “Just wait until he sees the new me. I’m going to look drop-dead gorgeous.”

Aiming to look fantastic just so that your ex regrets dumping you, may seem like misguided motivation. In the end you might be disappoint if it doesn’t go the way you want. So make sure that you remind yourself, that whatever effort you are putting into getting fit, is going to be for you.
You are getting fit so YOU can face YOUR future with a more confident and positive state of mind.

Don’t over exert yourself

If you haven’t exercised in a while don’t jump into a rigorous and strenuous getting fit plan. At the same time, don’t over do things. You might feel that exercising is taking your mind off of your ex and try to do more than you body can handle.
It’s best if you can follow a good fitness program, which will really guide you through on a daily basis.

Set weight loss goals

It’s really important to set some realistic weigh loss goals. It’s easy to get overwhelmed by “reduce weight fast” type of hype. Ask yourself, what level of commitment are you willing to put in? What’s your comfort level? How many hours /days can you spend on this etc.
It’s quite ok to start out small and then gradually increase your goals.

Vary your exercise routine

If you stick to the same type of exercises you might feel a bored or want to give up soon. So make sure to add variety to your exercise plan. For example,

Monday – strength training ,deep stretch workout
Tuesday – running
Wednesday -take a day off
Thursday – reduce belly fat exercises
Friday – swimming

At least after 3 weeks you should notice a change in the way you look as well as the way you feel.

Monitor progress

Keep a journal and write down the progress you are making. Write down the exercises you did, for how long etc
Sometimes, even if you have being trying to lose weight for a while, when you see yourself in front of the mirror you might feel as if it’s not working. So may be weekly or daily jot down your weight so that you know you can know where you are heading with your getting fit goals.

Certain exercises work better than others for fast weight loss and some are easier to stick to than others! So chose a proper program that suits you well.

Also, don’t get discouraged if you are not seeing immediate results. It may take some time for your body to adjust to the new activity and build up endurance.

Leave a comment below and let me know whether it’s something you think you can try out. Or may be you are already doing something similar?

5 Practical Ways to Forget Your Ex Fast

Persha — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 06:51:20 +0000

When starting a relationship everything is so easy and you want to remember every single moment of your relationship. When you go through a break up, all you want to do is forget everything that happened and move on (most of the time!). Often it seems near impossible, and you begin to look for practical ways to forget your ex fast.

Sometime even after your best efforts, you find it impossible memories and moments you cherished, not so long ago.
Most probably when you are idle, your mind play back those memories of your ex and keep it still fresh in your mind. You get advice friend your friends. They tell you that you need to forget your ex fast and move on or there are plenty of “fish” in the sea etc so forget about your ex. I am sure all such friends mean well, but hearing all this you feel pressured to forget those moments you shared with your ex.

So here’s my take on what has really helped me get past my past, and forget the person I thought, I never could/would!

1. Let go of the idea that you can easily forget your ex

I don’t know why but there are so many articles around the internet that make you believe you can forget your ex quickly. I mean if you were really in love with someone, I personally feel that it will take a fair share of time to completely get over the person.

Whether we like it or not, any experience that left an impression in our mind stays as a memory! That’s part of being human I guess. We can recall such memories when needed and relive those moments later. I guess that’s all part of being human. So this predicament you are in, trying to forget your ex is no different; let of the idea that you can easily forget your ex easily.

2. Ask yourself, why is this so difficult

Perhaps, you still haven’t accepted the break up and have false hope of reversing your break up.
Or may be it was a mistake that you did that caused the break up. May be there are picture of the two of your around the house. Why haven’t you boxed up every thing yet?
Or are you considering getting back with your ex?

By addressing these sort of questions and finding the actual reason, you will be far more closer to forget your ex.

3. Remind yourself why you want to forget your ex!

This is also similar to the above point. I am not asking you to come with 101 reasons, but by all means if you have such list that’s fine too! The key thing to ask yourself is “why should you”? It’s about time you got back your peace of mind or get rid the loneliness of break up or may be you are depressed and can’t go on with your day to day activities.

So identify the goal you want to achieve by forgetting your ex. This will give you a focus of what you want to achieve.

4. Keep Busy – Don’t stay inside your house or apartment doing nothing

Staying in your apartment, reminiscing about the good times, won’t get you any closer towards forgetting your ex. Believe me, I know all too well that it can be the most difficult and all you want to do right now is stay curled up in bed or watch a movie in front of the television with some junk food!
It can be depressing staying home alone. You don’t need to go right back into dating but try to spend time more with your friends and family.
Also, find some ways to keep busy after your break up.

5. Don’t contact your ex

If you are constantly talking or hanging around with your ex, it’s going to be even more difficult to forget your ex. I know some people, do this and some may not have much choice if you work together etc. If possible, avoid contact with your ex, at least for a few weeks after the break up. You need to be disciplined enough and convince yourself that you will not contact your ex no matter what!

I’ve written about this before, check out these posts if you haven’t already.
58 Practical Ways To Cut Off Contact With Your Ex And Stay Away from Your Ex