It’s easy for adults to roll their eyes when they hear about teens being overwhelmed. After all, most of our kids have it easier than we did when it comes to the responsibilities they carry. However, they face far more complex social realities than most of their parents did. Social media, a constant barrage of information, goals their parents have for them, and the expectation that they have strong opinions on all things, can all lead to feeling overwhelmed, which can show up as procrastination or a lack of motivation. And overall, American teens report higher stress rates than adults. So how can we respond? Here are 5 ways to walk with a teen who is overwhelmed.

1. Be present.

One of the temptations we face when figuring out how to help an overwhelmed teenager is to explain to her how she’s overreacting. We think that she needs better information. “It’s really not that bad,” you say. But better information doesn’t change someone’s perception of reality. What she needs is to know she’s not alone. She needs your presence. That doesn’t mean simply being physically present, but also being emotionally present, listening well, and encouraging her. Don’t rush to fix her. Rush to be with her.

2. Help him prioritize.

We all struggle to prioritize our obligations. With so many things vying for our attention, sometimes we struggle to figure out whether we should mow the yard, watch the game or spend time with our wives. How much more difficult is it for our teens whose frontal lobes are still developing? The frontal lobe is in charge of executive function: decision making, problem solving, and managing attention. And it won’t be fully developed until they are in their mid-20’s. Add to that the onslaught of information and stimulation teens receive via social media, instant access to entertainment online, and constant connection to friends, and you can see why priorities would be a bit out of whack. Take time to work with your teen on setting priorities. Help him set goals—financial goals, academic goals, personal ones—and then help him work toward them. It certainly won’t be easy, but it’ll be a huge gift to your teen.

3. Encourage sleep.

Think about how you feel when you’re really tired. You’re cranky, lethargic, and generally resistant to taking on significant tasks. This is your teen most of the time if she’s not getting adequate sleep. After all, the average teen gets only seven to seven-and-a-half hours of sleep a night, despite needing nine to nine-and-a-half hours. In other words, most teens are walking around exhausted. No wonder they’re overwhelmed. If you’re trying to figure out how to help an overwhelmed teenager, start by making sure she’s getting adequate sleep. You can do this by setting boundaries on phone usage in her room and working with her to set reasonable curfews, especially during the week. She won’t love it, but she does need it.

4. Get help.

Sometimes we’re overwhelmed trying to help our overwhelmed teen. If this is you, get help. There’s no shame in saying you need some assistance, but there is in pretending you’ve got it all under control when you most definitely do not. With your teen’s permission, let people close to him know he’s struggling. Be discerning. Choose people you trust and who you know love your teen. Then invite them to walk with you. An uncle or a youth leader taking him out for a milkshake just to check in can do wonders. An attentive coach or a qualified counselor can be a huge gift. Build a team to walk with your teen. You don’t need to do it alone.

5. Reduce screen time.

It’s almost cliché now to say it, but it’s still critical. Studies show that over half of teenagers spend four hours or more per day on their phones. And we know this creates increased anxiety and depression in our teens. If you want to help an overwhelmed teenager, start with their screen time. Begin small, looking for opportunities to interrupt their usage with conversations, getting outdoors together, playing a card game, or cooking a meal together. Talk openly with your teen about how to connect with her friends or entertain herself in other ways. If necessary, place limits on screen time using parental controls. Taking a break from screens will help clear up some of the overwhelm in your teen’s life.

Sound off: What other advice would you give to a parent who wants to help an overwhelmed teenager?

The post 5 Things Teens Need When They’re Overwhelmed appeared first on All Pro Dad.

Boys are often like my old stick. They are fascinating and beautiful, but society seems to teach them that sharing their emotions is a sign of weakness. Like a thick coat of varnish, they learn to put on a tough front and keep things to themselves. Stuffing their feelings can be an incredibly damaging habit, which can have the same destructive effect that crack had on my stick. To help your son get comfortable expressing himself, there are things you can do. Here are 7 key moments to be there for him and raise an emotionally intelligent boy.

1. The Moment Fear Is Getting the Best of Him

As a boy gets older, the things he fears also get bigger. The problem is that he’s probably learned that strong men aren’t afraid of anything. You need to teach him that there’s nothing wrong with being afraid. The word “courage” comes from the Latin word cor, which means heart. Teach your son that taking heart–showing courage–doesn’t mean he won’t get scared, but that he needs to let others know about those things that he’s really scared of so they can help him process his fear and how he feels.

2. The Moment He’s Ready to Date

Teenage boys are often shy and awkward around girls because they finds them intimidating. The problem comes if, as a boy gets older, he’s never willing to put himself out there to be friends with a girl or be vulnerable enough to have a girlfriend. Start by teaching your son how to talk to girls and build friendships with them. That’ll give him a good foundation for the day you and he judge he’s ready to start dating.

3. The Moment His Heart Gets Broken

Sadly, dating often comes with getting dumped. Most of us went through many heartbreaks on our way to true love.  Teenagers often don’t know what to do with a broken heart because they’ve never experienced it before. When raising emotionally intelligent boys, you want to help them find the words that express what they’re feeling. This might mean encouraging your son to find song lyrics that help him express his sadness or anger. It could mean you need to sit as he experiences the various stages of grief or while he rages. Listen to him while he’s sad. What’s key is that when he looks at you, he sees the empathy in your eyes, not that you’re uncomfortable and want him to man up and move on. How a dad acts in these moments teaches his son how to be OK with uncomfortable emotions.

4. The Moment He Gave It His All, and It Wasn’t Enough

Steve Kerr, coach of the Golden State Warriors, sent a handwritten note to John Schneider last fall after Schneider’s Blue Jays lost the World Series. The Warriors’ coach encouraged Schneider to remember that this loss wouldn’t define him or his players. Boys often need the same reminder and encouragement. Teach your son to express how gutted he feels when his best falls short. That way, he’ll learn bit by bit that he’s more than his weaknesses and failures.

5. The Moment He Doesn’t Know What to Do

I work with twelfth graders from four different schools, and they consistently tell me the worst question they get asked around their graduation is, “What are you doing next year?” A lot of them, honestly, don’t know and are scared to let people down by admitting it. Raising emotionally intelligent boys means helping your son know that admitting he doesn’t know something leaves room to ask for help. It also gives him the chance to learn from someone who cares enough about him to help.

6. The Moment He Feels He Doesn’t Measure Up to You

I was reading an article in Psychology Today, and the author discussed how sons constantly compare themselves to their fathers. Your son may look at you and see a man who knows how to fix the car and the furnace. He might see a man who is respected in the community, has a good job, and seems to have it all together. He compares your strengths to his own, and might conclude that he doesn’t measure up. Make sure your son knows you don’t expect him to be you and that he has unique gifts and talents to bring to the world. Then, celebrate these with him.

7. The Moment When the Pressure Gets to Him

My son usually does well in math. The exception was last spring, when his 12^th-grade math class worked on exponents and logarithms. The first time he took the unit test, he was overwhelmed and didn’t finish. When he tried to study for the retake, he had a hard time focusing on his notes because of his nerves. That night, he tossed and turned in bed because he realized his whole grade depended on this test. When a boy is feeling stress and pressure like this, he needs you to teach him how to handle it.

One thing you can do is encourage healthy coping skills, such as “box breathing,” stretching, listening to music, or taking a walk. If he comes to you to vent, be sure to listen and validate how he feels, rather than try to brush his feelings aside. Instead of saying, “You’ll be fine,” say, “I understand this is tough. I get it.” Then watch his shoulders drop, and his face soften. Letting your son know that you’re there for him and that it’s OK to feel this way will help him develop the emotional intelligence and coping skills needed to get through just about anything.

Sound off: What are other key moments in raising emotionally intelligent boys?

Want to deepen your bond and give your sons the emotional strength they need for life? Tune in to this episode of the All Pro Dad Podcast for more practical advice.

The post 7 Key Moments in Raising Emotionally Intelligent Boys appeared first on All Pro Dad.

Need more milk? Hop in the car, son. Sunscreen? Come on, daughter. Those minutes—1,560 of them—are prime moments for connection without distraction. If you’re looking for a way to get to know your kids better, I have great news. You don’t have to carve out time. You just have to take advantage of the quality time that’s hiding right in front of you. Here are 5 reasons to take your kids everywhere.

1. Kids open up more when you get them alone.

I remember sitting at a red light with my son. He hadn’t said much during the ride, but, unprompted, he asked, “How do we know God is good?” Would he have asked such a deep question with his sisters around? Maybe, but he definitely felt comfortable enough to talk it out with just the two of us in the car. I have noticed that the more alone time I get with my kids, the chattier they become. They ask deep questions and share information more freely. My son talks to me about things that he wouldn’t ask Mom. My daughters feel safe sharing because they know I won’t go blabbing to their friends or siblings. I want to have a close relationship with each of my kids, so I’ve chosen to sacrifice a few quiet rides in the car. It’s worth it to get them to open up.

2. Kids crave one-on-one time.

One of the objections I hear to bringing kids everywhere is that driving by yourself is a parent’s “sanity break” or a way to prioritize “mental health.” I get that, but one thing it won’t do is satisfy your child’s need for quality time with you. They crave it. It’s on me to make myself available. My kids get my undivided attention when we’re riding in the car. That one-on-one time helps them to feel seen, wanted, and important. They recognize that Dad could have left them at home but opted to hang out with them instead. That’s a big deal. When they think back on their childhood and have hundreds of memories of Dad choosing to be with them, they’ll rejoice knowing you loved, cared about, and wanted to be around them. Exclusivity is powerful.

3. It lays the groundwork.

I started driving my oldest child to her piano lessons. On the first trip, she wasn’t super talkative. By the tenth trip, she wouldn’t stop chatting. There is tremendous value in stacking time with your kids. Each moment builds an additional layer of connectivity and comfort between you. A conversation is like one book in a library of everyday adventures. It’s there on the shelf forever, and you can go back to that moment in the future when you need to. That same daughter had an issue recently, and she came to me to hash it out. She was very open and vulnerable. I was able to go back to a prior conversation we’d had and point out the similarities. Those compounding moments aren’t wasted.

4. I need help.

My son likes to watch me do woodworking projects, and I frequently invite him to the store for supplies. I’ve been teaching him the difference between 80-grit and 400-grit sandpaper, types of screwdrivers, and how to use air compressors safely. I’m also teaching him that life isn’t about doing things on your own. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 talks about this, concluding that “Two are better than one” because “if either of them falls down, one can help the other up,” and a “cord of three strands is not easily broken.” When we rely on each other, we are better versions of ourselves. I let my kids help me, even when I don’t think I need it. When we offer and accept help, the full weight of a problem, struggle, or battle no longer falls on just one person. If this lesson sinks in, my kids will probably come back to me for help when life gets hard, and as they grow, they’ll learn to help others too. So, when we’re out running an errand, I like to say, “Thanks for helping me.” That way, they understand that “two are better than one.”

5. They’ll be gone “soon.”

I took my oldest daughter to the grocery store to pick up some ingredients for dinner. She’s been taking cooking classes, so this was a great opportunity to talk about one of our shared interests—food. We grabbed everything we needed to recreate the dish she learned to make in class that day. It was weird to think she’ll be doing this on her own in a few short years.  “Soon” shows up much sooner than we think it will. I hate the idea that my kids may not live with me anymore, but that’s part of life for most people. Every trip I take without them is one more missed opportunity to connect before they leave. It’s not fun to talk about, but it’s reality for most families. Taking your kids with you places is time well spent because time is running out and, if you’re like me, you don’t want any regrets.

Sound off: What holds you back from taking your kids with you more often?

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“No” is one of the simplest words to pronounce, but one of the hardest to say. Why? It requires discipline, often resulting in putting off something you want or that is rewarding in the moment in the hope of a long-term benefit. For a long time, I couldn’t put off the short-term benefit of people liking me for the sake of the long-term goal of healthy boundaries and a wife who felt valued. I had to learn (and am still learning) how to say no. But it’s not just to people, we need to learn to say no to many things. Here are 7 no’s you need to say in marriage.

1. No fantasizing.

Fantasizing is easy, but dangerous. Studies show that brain activity when you fantasize about something and actually do it is not the same, but it is similar. What you fantasize about can begin to influence how you engage with reality. Fantasizing about a person other than your wife, while it certainly doesn’t always lead to an affair, does often lead to unhealthy comparison, expectations, and also discontent. In setting marriage boundaries, choosing to guard your mind against fantasies is a critical step in learning to build real intimacy with the real-life person you’re married to.

2. No secrets.

I don’t think your wife needs to know everything you did today. She doesn’t need to look at your phone or glance at your browser history before you go to bed each night. She doesn’t need a rundown of everything you purchased. However, you should be fine with her knowing any of those things. The important thing in marriage is not that you know everything about each other, but that there’s nothing you can’t know. Keeping a secret is about protecting yourself. It involves hiding and potentially deceiving. This creates distance between you and your wife and sets you up for hurt and erosion of trust in the long run, whether she finds out or not.

3. No going to bed angry.

There’s a Scripture verse that says, “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.” When taken literally, this might seem arbitrary. Why is handling the issue before bedtime so important? What if the argument happens as you’re pulling the covers up and turning out the lights? While we could argue about whether that’s meant to be literal, I think the main point is not to let anger fester. Deal with it. Otherwise, it becomes bitterness and resentment. So if your wife does something to tick you off, don’t walk around fuming; talk to her. You may need some time to cool off, but don’t put it off too long. Address it quickly and refuse to let resentment take hold.

4. No disconnecting.

One of the primary tasks of marriage is to remain connected. Therefore, one of the key marriage boundaries is protection from disconnection. You need to say “no” to any move in that direction. What does disconnection look like? It’s likely as much internal as external. Disconnection looks like tuning out when she’s talking to you, physically and emotionally withdrawing, focusing more on the kids than on each other, going to bed at separate times, and prioritizing your own interests over spending time with your spouse. And choosing disconnection is a fast track to discontent, distance, and loneliness in marriage. As hard as it is to stay connected when you’re angry or hurt, it’s essential for the long-term health of the marriage that you choose to do so.

5. No to just going through the motions.

One of the critical marriage boundaries is refusing to simply go through the motions. The longer you’re married, the easier it is to fall into patterns. You eat dinner together, kiss each other good night, go on date nights, maybe even have rhythms of when you’ll have sex. All of this can be great, unless it becomes routine. By “routine,” I mean it becomes the kind of thing you do without putting much thought into why or how you do it. You just do it. This is dangerous because you begin to take for granted what’s good and beautiful about your relationship. Instead, work to be present, creative, and playful as much as possible.

6. No making assumptions.

One of the dangers of knowing someone really well for a long period of time is that you begin to think you know what she’s thinking. You make assumptions. And of course, sometimes these assumptions will be right because you know her well. But sometimes you’ll be wrong. Because just like you, your wife is an actual person who is learning, growing, and, yes, even changing. Work to stay curious, listen well, and avoid making assumptions. It’s more work on the front end, but you’ll spend much less time cleaning up messes brought on by your incorrect assumptions.

7. No putting off until tomorrow.

There are certain things that you should never punt to another more convenient time: reconciling after an argument, sitting with your wife as she struggles with grief or hurt or loss, doing what you said you would do when you said you would do it, saying I love you. I’m sure you can think of some other things, but there is never a better time than the present for the things that matter most. Don’t allow busyness or laziness or the game you really want to watch steal the opportunity to do what’s most important and necessary right now.

Sound off: What other marriage boundaries do you think are critical to set?

The post 7 No’s You Need to Say in Marriage appeared first on All Pro Dad.

Lee’s experience reminded me of some things I’d learned (with the help of a great therapist) about ways to improve marriage. Turns out, sometimes the challenges we’re facing are best approached in ways that almost seem backward, because it’s about us and not the relationship itself. Here are 5 counterintuitive moves to improve your marriage.

1. Say what you really think (disagree well).

Sometimes, when you’re looking for ways to improve your marriage, the best place to start is saying what you really think, even if it raises conflict. How can that be? Isn’t it best to filter what you say to keep the peace? Sometimes, yes, but a marriage at its best is about two people who maintain their distinctiveness, yet stay connected and work for the good of the other. To be a distinct person means you don’t always see eye to eye with your wife, and wanting the best for your marriage means being honest about that. Of course honesty will occasionally cause conflict, but that friction can also lead to growth and appreciation of one another. In the end, being respectfully honest leads to deeper intimacy, because you can’t really know someone who only agrees with you.

2. Step back (care for yourself).

You can’t care well for another person if you’ve got nothing to give. Certainly, you can go too far in the “care for yourself” mentality. But often the problem is the opposite. We’re told it’s not about us, and so we find ourselves regularly saying “no” to things that bring us joy because we feel obligated to put those off for the responsibilities that stare us in the face. However, it isn’t a zero-sum game. You can prioritize your wife and kids while also making sure you get space to connect with friends, exercise, get some sleep, or read a good book. You probably can’t take all the time you want, but you need to get some time to step back and care for yourself so that you have what you need to care for those around you.

3. Don’t speak (listen).

Sometimes we think the most important thing in a relationship is to be understood. “If only my wife knew what I thought about this.” Or worse, “If only my wife knew how wrong she was.” And, of course, being understood is important. However, as the prayer of St. Francis asks, “Grant that I may not so much seek…to be understood as to understand.” Why? Because if you’re looking for ways to improve your marriage, you always start with the question, “How do I love my wife well?” And you can’t really know how to love her if you don’t know what she wants or needs. To connect, you have to understand. To understand, you must shut up and listen.

4. Don’t take marriage seriously (laugh).

Marriage is serious stuff. It’s so serious, we’ve got to learn to laugh. Irish dramatist Sean O’Casey once said, “Laughter is wine for the soul—the hilarious declaration made by man that life is worth living.” Likewise, I think laughter in marriage is a reminder that this marriage is worth building. When we laugh at ourselves, at our situations, at our silliness in our arguments, at our missteps and successes, we create a connection with each other. Laughter is an invitation to collective joy, even when times are hard. Laughter is a reminder that we better not take any of this too seriously because it’s much too important for that.

5. Work long hours (at marriage).

One of the biggest signs that a marriage is heading in the wrong direction is when one or both people are done working. All marriages take some work. Most marriages take a lot of work. But all valuable things are costly. And if you’re looking for ways to improve marriage, you’ve got to be willing to put in work. This might mean doing the hard work of listening, closing the laptop or putting down the phone, dealing with your own brokenness so you can better partner with her, and carving out time to be present for her. There are lots of ways that you might choose to work to better your marriage, but in every case, the return is well worth it.

Sound off: What are other ways to improve marriage that you’ve been putting into practice?

The post 5 Counterintuitive Moves to Improve Your Marriage appeared first on All Pro Dad.

Don’t get me wrong. There are many ways tech helps us. We can push a button on our phone to turn on the lights, order just about anything delivered to our front door, and ask for a simple summary of even the most complicated things. But my teenagers will never know a world without all this technology. I want to make sure they learn to use these tools properly, and at the same time, I’m teaching my kids the life skills I needed when I was growing up. Here are 5 old-school skills you need to teach your kids.

1. How To Write With a Pen or Pencil

When my son got his learner’s permit, he wasn’t sure how to sign his name in the little box. He’d never learned cursive writing, reminding us that all the screens in our kids’ lives are eroding basic abilities we once took for granted. Screens aren’t going anywhere, and we should teach our kids to use them properly. But we should also want our kids to know analog skills like writing. Writing helps our kids’ dexterity, their ability to read, and makes them slow down and process the information they’re hearing in class. Don’t just teach your child how to sign his own name, but look for other moments he can write, like a thank you card for his grandmother.

2. How To Read a Map and Navigate the Streets

When my daughter started driving, it was clear she had never really paid attention to street signs in our town. Sitting behind the wheel, she told me it was no big deal because Google Maps would get her wherever she needed to go. If you’re teaching kids life skills, knowing how to get from point A to point B without a phone is a big one. Being able to get to the grocery store or school without GPS also contributes to a much healthier brain. According to Neurologist Pearl Kurian Jones, M.D., “[F]requent GPS users had weaker spatial memory and struggled more with unaided navigation… This suggests that digital navigation tools may weaken hippocampal circuits that would otherwise be maintained through active use.” Keep your teen’s brain sharp (and build her confidence!) by having her navigate without help.

3. How To Talk to a Real Person

So much is done by direct message these days that my kids often panic when they need to call customer service or make some kind of appointment. I want my kids to know how to advocate for themselves and how to ask for help politely and fairly. Knowing how to talk to a real person is a really important skill for your child to learn: Talking is how they’ll form friendships, build confidence, contribute to a group project, and get hired for that first job.

4. How To Wait

We used to watch TV episodes one at a time, but our kids often get a full season on a streaming service all at once. We used to have to hunt for things in multiple stores, but now everything can be ordered from Amazon with next-day delivery. It shouldn’t be a surprise that our kids have a hard time waiting for things! When teaching kids life skills, look for chances to help them learn to be more patient. This could mean denying them snacks when they’re waiting for dinner, not needing to fill every moment while they’re in line, and sometimes going to the store instead of ordering everything online.

5. How To Do Mental Math

The cribbage board and cards are never far from my kitchen table because my wife is constantly challenging one of our kids to play. This isn’t just a great way for her to bond with the kids without screens; it also forces them to do fast-paced mental math. Having confidence in mental math isn’t just about school. When your teenager is more comfortable with numbers, he’ll also have an easier time with everyday problems. Why? Because he’s used to looking at difficult tasks and breaking them down into smaller, simpler steps.

Sound off: What are some other old-school skills you should teach your kids?

The post 5 Old-School Skills You Need to Teach Your Teenagers appeared first on All Pro Dad.

Life is full of adversity. My kids are learning that all the time. I get to be their guide when they mess up at school, scream at a sibling, or struggle emotionally. I want to be for them what those coaches and trainers were for me during my challenging moments—a present voice. Being a dad isn’t about preventing challenges for your kids. It’s about helping them get through them and desiring to build kids’ resilience. Here are 5 messages kids need to hear when they face challenges.

1. “You are not alone in this.”

You’ve lived more life than your child, so you’ve been through many things they’re facing. You’ve earned a poor test score. You’ve been picked on or bullied, or have at least seen it happen to others. You understand the pain of FOMO. When your child is struggling, thinking they’re dumb after a bad grade or rejected after a friendship ends, relate to their challenge. Tell them you know how it feels. Sit in that pain with them and empathize. That tells them you’re not simply trying to get past their feelings so you can move on with your life. No, you’ve been there. You remember. And because of that, you won’t leave them to deal with challenges on their own. They need you, so be there and tell them you understand.

2. “This doesn’t define you.”

My son has a stutter. I hope it goes away someday, but if it doesn’t, that’s fine. That’s because I see the difference between having a stutter and being a stutterer. I want my kids to see they are not their challenge. The challenge is just something to work through, not an identity. My son may get belittled, but I don’t want him to feel inferior because of his stutter, so I remind him he’s not defined by it. His speech is not a limitation but a unique part of him. If others are impatient around him when he speaks, that’s on them, not him. Your son may have been passed over for something, but that doesn’t mean “I’m untrustworthy.” Your daughter may have lost the school election, but that doesn’t mean “I’m a failure.” Social rejection doesn’t mean “I’m unlikable.” Framing the challenge as a struggle rather than an identity shows kids that their value isn’t tied to their circumstances. That’s how to build kids’ resilience.

3. “You’re growing because of this.”

Difficulty can be a useful teacher. I didn’t understand this early in my career and would act like a jerk when I was frustrated. But slow growth is still growth. It’s all about how you view your challenge. Does your kid have food allergies? He or she may be growing in discernment by reading food labels. Are academics hard? All that extra studying may be teaching your kids discipline. If they are getting picked on, they may be learning empathy. If their health is a struggle, they may start understanding and appreciating things differently. Easy things require little effort. Challenging things press us to grow. Remind your child that just because they’re going through a challenge right now doesn’t mean it’ll be hard forever. This could be growth in disguise.

4. “You don’t have to be perfect.”

In my fifth year in the NFL, I started going to see a psychiatrist because I was struggling mentally. I started to feel a little depressed and sought counseling over the stress I was feeling to perform. It was so bad on some days that I’d get headaches. I was a bit of a perfectionist, and that mindset never works in professional sports. Now, as a dad, I want my kids to avoid that. When they face pressure, as I faced in my career, to perform at a high level, be flawless, or present themselves in a certain way, the most loving thing I can tell them is “You don’t have to be perfect.” That bar is too high for kids. It’s also unattainable. Recognizing this prevents a lot of heartache and actually builds mental toughness. I want both of those things for my kids.

5. “I love you.”

This is undefeated. It works for their smallest challenges and their biggest. It works because it tells kids that no matter what they’re facing, they’re not alone. You are with them. You care about them and their challenges just as much as they do. You want what’s best for them and desire good things. You’re beside them every step of their life because they matter so much to you. They’re irreplaceable. Tell them “I love you” often.

Sound off: Who helped you through challenges when you were younger?

The post Benjamin Watson: 5 Messages Kids Need to Hear When They Face Challenges appeared first on All Pro Dad.

Up until about four years ago, I planned on playing in the NFL for 20 years. There was nothing better in life than putting on that helmet on a Sunday. But I’m learning that sports aren’t everything. That’s even hard to type for a sports fanatic like me. What changed my perspective? I became a dad. Suddenly, I felt like I was seeing the whole world in new colors. My focus changed. So did my desires. It’s weird because I’m still me, only with a renewed vision for what matters most. Perhaps you’ve had this experience too. Whether you’re hunting for first-time dad advice or you’re a veteran dad with seven kids, I’m sure we can all agree that being a dad changes everything. Here are 4 things I realized after having kids.

1. Kids make you realize what matters.

Life is so precious. This truth hit me harder after my wife, Camilla, and I suffered through two miscarriages. When our first child was born, I felt the weight of the responsibility I was carrying. I was no longer living for just myself. I used to wonder how teammates could say, “Kids change you.” Then I experienced the rush of baby giggles, the sight of them napping, and the joy of a first birthday cake. None of that dampened my love for football, but it just put the game in its proper place. No matter what job you have, position of influence you hold, or obligations you carry, none of those can come before your family. It’s your duty as a man to put them first. As Justin Watson says, we start making mistakes when we get our priorities misaligned.

How do I keep mine in order? I think about my future. What’s going to matter when I’m on my deathbed? I had planned to play professional football until my legs stopped working. But now I’m thinking about how I want my body to feel as my kids grow. I need to be around for them, so I take care of my health by exercising; I take care of my mind by having deep conversations; and I take care of my spirit by focusing on my faith. All dads need to do this. Having kids makes us realize that we’re living for more than just ourselves.

2. Kids make you realize who matters.

I am forever grateful for teammates like Derek Carr and Derek Carrier, who showed me it’s possible to be an amazing player and dad simultaneously. Yes, there’s a lot riding on my performance. Winning matters, but I can’t give teammates more effort than I give my wife and kids. I’ve played with over 400 different teammates. Some for years. Others for a few days. Most I’ll never see again, but my family is forever. I know they expect much more from me than my franchise does. When men give coworkers, friends, or bosses more attention and effort than they give their wives and kids, those intimate relationships begin to unravel. Coach Tony Dungy has spoken about this a lot. Looking for first-time dad advice? Understand that we are replaceable at work, but never at home.

Balancing it is hard, but remembering to lean toward family keeps you focused on who matters most. Instead of more emails at night, do the bedtime story. Go for the walks. Do the park days. Your kids need you and want to spend time with you. When you remember how much they matter and act upon it, they feel safe and seen.

3. Kids make you realize time matters.

I remember welcoming our first of three daughters into the world. It felt like yesterday, and now she’s heading off to kindergarten this fall. Where did the time go? Everything changes quickly when you’re a dad. It’s very different from the NFL rhythm, where it’s easier to focus on one opponent at a time. There is no week-to-week with kids. Every day is the Super Bowl. Everything is big to them, so it has to be big to you.

So, we maximize our time. We’re considering homeschooling our daughters so we can up the hours we spend together. My job demands a lot of my time practicing, traveling, and playing games on weekends. It makes me see how limited our time can be. Do what gives you the most time with your kids. Do the Saturday picnics, the tea parties, the slip-N-slides, and catch a million fireflies.

4. Kids make you realize today matters.

After signing with the Raiders, I found out I had an autoimmune disease. It’s called ulcerative colitis, and it wipes out your energy. There were days when I couldn’t run a five-yard route in practice without feeling gassed. It was frustrating. But then I’d go home, see my kids, and realize that fighting through discomfort is part of being a good dad. They need my attention, time, and devotion. I don’t get another chance to redo today.

That doesn’t excuse my health battle. It’s real, but my kids still need me. I’ve got to figure out a way to make today count despite my weariness. All dads deal with something challenging. Are you stressed? Most guys are. Overworked? That’s highly likely. We face pressure, but mine made me realize that I can’t take today for granted. My kids have needs today. If they go unmet, where are they going to go to fill them? If I’m too tired to play, will they ask me again tomorrow? If I don’t make a big deal about their art, will they draw me another picture? Today matters. Every part of it. As challenging as today is, know that showing up for your kids will always be the right move, even if it’s hard.

Sound off: What is your biggest challenge in giving your family your best instead of your leftovers?

The post Hunter Renfrow: 4 Things I Realized After Having Kids appeared first on All Pro Dad.

This is the new world of looksmaxxing and the pressures certain influencers, product sellers, and cultural forces are pushing on our sons. Here’s what looksmaxxing is, why you should be concerned, and the potential problems it poses for our sons.

What is looksmaxxing?

Looksmaxxing is an attempt by males to maximize their appearance and other qualities, to become more attractive. The trend focuses on, but is not limited to, physical looks. It tends to involve young heterosexual men (from their teenage years to their twenties) and originated from the manosphere and incel (involuntary celibate) subculture.

Is looksmaxxing safe?

A lot of it is safe, but not all of it. Much of looksmaxxing involves working out, buying new clothes, and other things that can improve a person’s appearance. However, there are many influencers who go to extreme and dangerous lengths to transform their looks. Not only do they discuss these unsafe methods, but they also give tutorials for their followers. And the number of followers is growing. According to TikTok, the amount of people searching for looksmaxxing techniques grew from 300,000 in February 2026 to 1.9 million in March.

What are the problems with looksmaxxing?

Extreme and Unhealthy Methods

Sometimes people involved in looksmaxxing can engage in extreme lengths to change their faces and bodies, such as taking drugs like steroids and methamphetamines. The influencer, Clavicular, who is well-known for looksmaxxing, recently overdosed on crystal meth. Fortunately, he has recovered. Another teen who says he looks up to Clavicular has been taking steroids for ten months and said he is willing to have a heart attack at age thirty to look better now. Other extremes involve a technique called bonesmashing, which uses a hammer to cause microfractures in the cheeks to help shape the jawline. These extreme and unhealthy methods are strongly discouraged by doctors, who call them ineffective at self-improvement and dangerous.

Insecurity

Looksmaxxing is largely driven by insecurity. It’s a way for young men to try to build self-confidence. Unfortunately, the main premise that is often pushed is that a person’s value is based on how they look. People who maintain that belief are rarely self-assured. A lack of positive attention (or a perceived lack of attention), comparison to others, or their own self-critique, brings them right back to where they started—with a low self-image.

Obsession with Perfection

The focus of looksmaxxing tends to be on a person’s flaws, and so, there’s often an endless pursuit to meet impossible standards. Looksmaxxers can easily become hyperfixated on eliminating perceived imperfections. At best, this can be an incredible waste of time and energy; at worst, it can have a damaging impact on their self-perception and mental health.

Self-Conceit, Arrogance, and Narcissism

These attitudes and conditions have a profound effect on our relationships. When we look down on people, love departs our lives. Replacing it is judgment, selfishness, and contempt. All of those lead to disconnection. The fullness of our lives is directly related to the depth and capacity of our love. Fullness doesn’t mean achievements, but contentment and peace with ourselves and our lives, no matter our circumstances. People full of self-conceit, arrogance, and especially narcissism rarely, if ever, experience contentment and peace because they are only concerned with themselves.

Shallowness

Since there’s such a high value placed on a person’s appearance, other attributes, such as character, intellect, and emotional maturity, are left undeveloped. This can affect their ability to build strong and healthy relationships, leading to long-term dissatisfaction.

Vanity

The Latin root of vanity, vanitas, means empty or lacking in lasting substance. There’s a fragility that develops when people obsess over how they look. It becomes their whole identity. Their self-image depends on the response they get from others. In the short term, they are only as good as the amount of attention they receive that day. In the long term, looks fade, and when they do, so does their identity.

Where should our sons find their identity?

Ultimately, our sons need to find their identities in something that lasts. A rich young man once approached Jesus looking for answers about life (Mark 10:17-22). He was young, wealthy, probably attractive, and, in the midst of the conversation, we also learn he’s a good guy (although that was a self-assessment). He seemed to have everything any of us would want, and many of us think we need to have it to make life work. And yet, he was asking a poor Rabbi what he needed to do to have the good life. Something was missing.

Jesus’ answer was that he should sell everything and follow Him. All of those things he had didn’t amount to much, especially his looks. The thing he was missing was a relationship with God. I’m sure there are many of you who are ambivalent about the role God plays in your daily life, if not all-out opposed. But if God exists and He did create you and me (and our kids), then what He says about life and us is significant. And He says that He created us wonderfully and with great purpose (Ephesians 2:10). When our kids find their identity in the fact that they were created by a God who loves them, they have a solid identity that lasts, not a superficial one based on their looks.

I always wonder what that young man’s life would have looked like if he hadn’t walked away. I believe God calls us to something far more significant than our looks and wealth. Our sons need to understand that. We need to make sure that when they look in the mirror, they see the right things.

Sound off: What are your thoughts on looksmaxxing?

The post Is Looksmaxxing a Problem for Our Sons? appeared first on All Pro Dad.

The day after my son was born, a nurse came in and said she needed to check him for jaundice. I nodded like I knew what that meant. I knew the word. I had heard it before. But I had no idea what was actually happening inside my newborn’s body, what number was too high, or what it would mean if his bilirubin levels stayed elevated. He passed the test, and I didn’t think about it again.

A few days later, I took my son to his first pediatric appointment. The pediatrician noticed my son’s skin had a yellowish tint and said we needed to test his bilirubin levels. Once again, I nodded along as if I understood and pretended like I wasn’t worried. When I got home from the appointment, I immediately started doing a deep dive on jaundice and bilirubin levels. I was concerned for my son’s health and wanted to know everything I could to learn what was happening to him.

If you are in that place right now, or if you just want to understand what the pediatrician is going to tell you at the first appointment, this is what you need to know.

What Is Jaundice in a Newborn?

Newborn jaundice is a yellowing of the skin and the whites of the eyes caused by too much bilirubin in the blood.

Bilirubin is not a word I was familiar with before having my son. Bilirubin is a yellow pigment produced when the body breaks down red blood cells. Normally, the liver processes bilirubin and moves it out of the body. In newborns, the liver is still immature and may not be able to process bilirubin quickly enough, causing it to build up in the blood and deposit in the skin.

According to StatPearls via the NCBI, neonatal jaundice is the most frequently encountered medical condition in the first two weeks of life and a common reason for hospital readmission after birth. Approximately 60% of full-term newborns and 80% of preterm newborns develop clinical jaundice in the first week.

Most of the time, jaundice in newborns is what doctors call physiologic jaundice: a normal, temporary response to the transition from fetal to newborn life. It typically appears on days two or three, peaks around days four or five, and resolves on its own within one to two weeks. It is not a sign that something is wrong with your baby. This is exactly what happened with my son.

In rare cases, bilirubin levels can climb high enough to cause serious harm. This is why the hospital screens every newborn before discharge and why your pediatrician watches it closely in the first week.

What Causes Jaundice in Newborns?

The most common cause is a normal mismatch between how fast a newborn produces bilirubin and how fast the immature liver can clear it.

Before birth, your baby had a higher concentration of red blood cells to carry oxygen through the placenta. After birth, those extra red blood cells break down rapidly, producing a surge of bilirubin that the newborn liver is not yet equipped to handle efficiently. This is the physiologic process behind most newborn jaundice.

Several factors can make jaundice more likely or more severe. According to the 2022 AAP Clinical Practice Guideline on hyperbilirubinemia, the major risk factors for significant jaundice include:

• Being born before 38 weeks’ gestation (preterm or late preterm birth)
• A sibling who had jaundice requiring phototherapy
• Exclusive breastfeeding, particularly if feeding is not well established in the first days
• Blood type incompatibility between mother and baby, which can cause faster red blood cell breakdown
• Significant bruising from delivery, such as a cephalohematoma, which releases more bilirubin as it resolves

My son was born via C-section at 39 weeks and had no blood type issues, but he still had mild jaundice. His pediatrician was not alarmed. She explained that it was completely typical. I had to take my son to get his levels checked every couple of days. Those were nerve-racking appointments. In the first few appointments, the number was getting slightly higher. After every appointment, I anxiously waited for the call for the results. I felt a little defeated every time they said we needed another appointment. I didn’t want anything to be wrong with my son, and didn’t want him to keep getting pricked in his foot. After the sixth appointment, my son’s levels were down, and he was in the clear. I was so thankful that his bilirubin count did not get to the point that was considered dangerous.

What Is a Dangerous Level of Bilirubin in a Newborn?

There is no single universal number because dangerous bilirubin levels depend on your baby’s age in hours, gestational age, and other risk factors. Your pediatrician will use a chart to determine whether your baby’s specific level requires treatment.

It’s one of the most Googled questions about newborn jaundice, and the honest answer is that the threshold varies. A bilirubin level that is fine for a healthy full-term baby at 72 hours old could be concerning for a premature baby at the same age. The AAP updated its phototherapy guidelines in 2022 to use hour-specific nomograms that factor in gestational age and neurotoxicity risk, moving away from the one-number-fits-all approach.

What you do need to know as a dad is that the hospital will measure your baby’s bilirubin level before discharge, and your pediatrician will tell you whether a follow-up check is needed and when. If you are sent home and asked to return in 24 to 48 hours for a recheck, that is routine monitoring, not a crisis.

The rare but serious outcome of untreated severe jaundice is a condition called kernicterus, a form of brain damage caused by bilirubin crossing into brain tissue. According to the AAP, kernicterus is preventable with proper monitoring and treatment. It is rare in the United States precisely because of the screening protocols now in place at every hospital.

How Do Doctors Treat Newborn Jaundice?

Most newborn jaundice resolves without any treatment. When treatment is needed, phototherapy, which uses special blue-spectrum lights to break down bilirubin through the skin, is the standard first-line approach.

If your baby’s bilirubin level crosses the treatment threshold for his age and gestational age, he will be placed under phototherapy lights, either in the hospital or sometimes at home with a portable device. The baby lies under the lights undressed, with eye protection, while the light converts bilirubin into a form the body can excrete without the liver needing to process it.

According to HealthyChildren.org, the AAP’s parent resource, most jaundice requires no treatment at all. When phototherapy is used, it is typically effective within 24 to 48 hours. In very rare cases involving extremely high levels, an exchange transfusion may be needed, but this is uncommon in otherwise healthy full-term infants.

My son’s jaundice resolved without phototherapy. Between appointments, one of his pediatricians suggested putting him in indirect sunlight for a couple of hours a day as a supplemental measure to help his levels come down. It helped. If his levels had crossed the treatment threshold, phototherapy would have been the recommendation instead. It is worth knowing that the AAP is explicit that sunlight is not a safe substitute for phototherapy. Indirect sunlight through a window does not deliver a consistent or controlled dose of the right light spectrum, and it creates a risk of overheating and sunburn. If your baby needs phototherapy, that conversation will come from your pediatrician.

If your newborn is being treated for jaundice, one of the most useful things you can do is make sure they are feeding well. Good feeding helps the body flush bilirubin through stool. During the first few weeks, my wife was recovering from her C-Section, and I was the primary one on feeding duty. It wasn’t fun, but I got up every 2 hours to feed my son. My wife can move around a bit more now, but I’m still helping out with feedings as much as I can. Getting up for feedings, during the jaundice weeks and long after, is one of the most practical ways to support your wife and stay connected with your child.

When Should I Worry About My Baby’s Jaundice?

Call your pediatrician immediately if your baby’s jaundice is spreading or if your baby shows any signs of distress. These are signals that bilirubin levels may be rising and need to be checked right away.

Mild yellowing of the face and chest in the first few days is normal. The signs that warrant a same-day call include:

• A yellow color spreads to the belly, arms, or legs.
• The whites of the eyes turn visibly yellow.
• Your baby is difficult to wake for feedings.
• Your baby seems limp, arched, or unusually irritable.
• Jaundice appears in the first 24 hours of life, which is always a reason to call.
• Jaundice doesn’t clear by two weeks in a formula-fed baby, or four weeks in a breastfed baby.

I took my son to every pediatric appointment in his first weeks. Every visit was a chance to ask a question, get a number, and know where we stood. If you are unsure whether something warrants a call, it always does. That is what the pediatrician is there for.

For a broader look at what the first weeks of fatherhood involve, How Fathers Can Bond With a Newborn is worth reading alongside this one.

Sound off: Did your baby have jaundice after birth? What helped you get through those first anxious days of monitoring?

The post Jaundice in Newborns: Everything New Dads Need to Know appeared first on All Pro Dad.