The day after my son was born, a nurse came in and said she needed to check him for jaundice. I nodded like I knew what that meant. I knew the word. I had heard it before. But I had no idea what was actually happening inside my newborn’s body, what number was too high, or what it would mean if his bilirubin levels stayed elevated. He passed the test, and I didn’t think about it again.

A few days later, I took my son to his first pediatric appointment. The pediatrician noticed my son’s skin had a yellowish tint and said we needed to test his bilirubin levels. Once again, I nodded along as if I understood and pretended like I wasn’t worried. When I got home from the appointment, I immediately started doing a deep dive on jaundice and bilirubin levels. I was concerned for my son’s health and wanted to know everything I could to learn what was happening to him.

If you are in that place right now, or if you just want to understand what the pediatrician is going to tell you at the first appointment, this is what you need to know.

What Is Jaundice in a Newborn?

Newborn jaundice is a yellowing of the skin and the whites of the eyes caused by too much bilirubin in the blood.

Bilirubin is not a word I was familiar with before having my son. Bilirubin is a yellow pigment produced when the body breaks down red blood cells. Normally, the liver processes bilirubin and moves it out of the body. In newborns, the liver is still immature and may not be able to process bilirubin quickly enough, causing it to build up in the blood and deposit in the skin.

According to StatPearls via the NCBI, neonatal jaundice is the most frequently encountered medical condition in the first two weeks of life and a common reason for hospital readmission after birth. Approximately 60% of full-term newborns and 80% of preterm newborns develop clinical jaundice in the first week.

Most of the time, jaundice in newborns is what doctors call physiologic jaundice: a normal, temporary response to the transition from fetal to newborn life. It typically appears on days two or three, peaks around days four or five, and resolves on its own within one to two weeks. It is not a sign that something is wrong with your baby. This is exactly what happened with my son.

In rare cases, bilirubin levels can climb high enough to cause serious harm. This is why the hospital screens every newborn before discharge and why your pediatrician watches it closely in the first week.

What Causes Jaundice in Newborns?

The most common cause is a normal mismatch between how fast a newborn produces bilirubin and how fast the immature liver can clear it.

Before birth, your baby had a higher concentration of red blood cells to carry oxygen through the placenta. After birth, those extra red blood cells break down rapidly, producing a surge of bilirubin that the newborn liver is not yet equipped to handle efficiently. This is the physiologic process behind most newborn jaundice.

Several factors can make jaundice more likely or more severe. According to the 2022 AAP Clinical Practice Guideline on hyperbilirubinemia, the major risk factors for significant jaundice include:

• Being born before 38 weeks’ gestation (preterm or late preterm birth)
• A sibling who had jaundice requiring phototherapy
• Exclusive breastfeeding, particularly if feeding is not well established in the first days
• Blood type incompatibility between mother and baby, which can cause faster red blood cell breakdown
• Significant bruising from delivery, such as a cephalohematoma, which releases more bilirubin as it resolves

My son was born via C-section at 39 weeks and had no blood type issues, but he still had mild jaundice. His pediatrician was not alarmed. She explained that it was completely typical. I had to take my son to get his levels checked every couple of days. Those were nerve-racking appointments. In the first few appointments, the number was getting slightly higher. After every appointment, I anxiously waited for the call for the results. I felt a little defeated every time they said we needed another appointment. I didn’t want anything to be wrong with my son, and didn’t want him to keep getting pricked in his foot. After the sixth appointment, my son’s levels were down, and he was in the clear. I was so thankful that his bilirubin count did not get to the point that was considered dangerous.

What Is a Dangerous Level of Bilirubin in a Newborn?

There is no single universal number because dangerous bilirubin levels depend on your baby’s age in hours, gestational age, and other risk factors. Your pediatrician will use a chart to determine whether your baby’s specific level requires treatment.

It’s one of the most Googled questions about newborn jaundice, and the honest answer is that the threshold varies. A bilirubin level that is fine for a healthy full-term baby at 72 hours old could be concerning for a premature baby at the same age. The AAP updated its phototherapy guidelines in 2022 to use hour-specific nomograms that factor in gestational age and neurotoxicity risk, moving away from the one-number-fits-all approach.

What you do need to know as a dad is that the hospital will measure your baby’s bilirubin level before discharge, and your pediatrician will tell you whether a follow-up check is needed and when. If you are sent home and asked to return in 24 to 48 hours for a recheck, that is routine monitoring, not a crisis.

The rare but serious outcome of untreated severe jaundice is a condition called kernicterus, a form of brain damage caused by bilirubin crossing into brain tissue. According to the AAP, kernicterus is preventable with proper monitoring and treatment. It is rare in the United States precisely because of the screening protocols now in place at every hospital.

How Do Doctors Treat Newborn Jaundice?

Most newborn jaundice resolves without any treatment. When treatment is needed, phototherapy, which uses special blue-spectrum lights to break down bilirubin through the skin, is the standard first-line approach.

If your baby’s bilirubin level crosses the treatment threshold for his age and gestational age, he will be placed under phototherapy lights, either in the hospital or sometimes at home with a portable device. The baby lies under the lights undressed, with eye protection, while the light converts bilirubin into a form the body can excrete without the liver needing to process it.

According to HealthyChildren.org, the AAP’s parent resource, most jaundice requires no treatment at all. When phototherapy is used, it is typically effective within 24 to 48 hours. In very rare cases involving extremely high levels, an exchange transfusion may be needed, but this is uncommon in otherwise healthy full-term infants.

My son’s jaundice resolved without phototherapy. Between appointments, one of his pediatricians suggested putting him in indirect sunlight for a couple of hours a day as a supplemental measure to help his levels come down. It helped. If his levels had crossed the treatment threshold, phototherapy would have been the recommendation instead. It is worth knowing that the AAP is explicit that sunlight is not a safe substitute for phototherapy. Indirect sunlight through a window does not deliver a consistent or controlled dose of the right light spectrum, and it creates a risk of overheating and sunburn. If your baby needs phototherapy, that conversation will come from your pediatrician.

If your newborn is being treated for jaundice, one of the most useful things you can do is make sure they are feeding well. Good feeding helps the body flush bilirubin through stool. During the first few weeks, my wife was recovering from her C-Section, and I was the primary one on feeding duty. It wasn’t fun, but I got up every 2 hours to feed my son. My wife can move around a bit more now, but I’m still helping out with feedings as much as I can. Getting up for feedings, during the jaundice weeks and long after, is one of the most practical ways to support your wife and stay connected with your child.

When Should I Worry About My Baby’s Jaundice?

Call your pediatrician immediately if your baby’s jaundice is spreading or if your baby shows any signs of distress. These are signals that bilirubin levels may be rising and need to be checked right away.

Mild yellowing of the face and chest in the first few days is normal. The signs that warrant a same-day call include:

• A yellow color spreads to the belly, arms, or legs.
• The whites of the eyes turn visibly yellow.
• Your baby is difficult to wake for feedings.
• Your baby seems limp, arched, or unusually irritable.
• Jaundice appears in the first 24 hours of life, which is always a reason to call.
• Jaundice doesn’t clear by two weeks in a formula-fed baby, or four weeks in a breastfed baby.

I took my son to every pediatric appointment in his first weeks. Every visit was a chance to ask a question, get a number, and know where we stood. If you are unsure whether something warrants a call, it always does. That is what the pediatrician is there for.

For a broader look at what the first weeks of fatherhood involve, How Fathers Can Bond With a Newborn is worth reading alongside this one.

Sound off: Did your baby have jaundice after birth? What helped you get through those first anxious days of monitoring?

The post Jaundice in Newborns: Everything New Dads Need to Know appeared first on All Pro Dad.

When we give someone a compliment, we inject some unexpected joy into their life. Compliments often catch people off guard, uplifting them and giving them confidence. Leaders should practice complimenting others because the people who look up to you can be shaped for the better by your words. Here are 7 compliments leaders should give to those around them.

1. “Thanks for working so hard.”

So much of business is measured by results. What was our ROI, and did we hit our KPIs? But compliments tied to results hint that our value is tied to what we produce. Instead, compliment effort over results. It shows the people you lead that you see them as a whole person, not just a line on the company spreadsheet. Notice when they go above and beyond. Tell them you appreciate how dedicated they are. Hard work should be rewarded, and the easiest way to do it is recognition.

2. “We are better because of you.”

People want to be valuable and needed. Telling them that we, and more specifically you, are better off having them around goes deep. It reminds them that they are a crucial part of the team and that the team would struggle without them. Motivating employees starts by telling them that who they are and what they do matters.

3. “I appreciate you.”

I doubt anyone has ever existed who didn’t want to hear this. Everyone wants to feel appreciated, but many wonder if they are. Take out the guesswork. Tell them specifically what you appreciate about who they are, what they do, and how they do it. It’s the self-esteem boost that carries people through tough tasks, hard days, and slow seasons. Be the reassuring jolt people crave.

4. “I trust you.”

This is a powerful compliment. It tells people you can handle tough things and are responsible. Only one-third of U.S. workers said they’d received recognition at work in the past seven days. Giving a compliment like this will be a big deal to someone.

5. “You are a leader.”

This is a way to elevate others and boost workplace morale. People lead in all kinds of ways. This is a way to tell someone you believe in them. It’s a way to give someone a vision of who they are and what they can be. It’s also about telling someone that you see what they bring to your organization.

6. “Thanks for being so steady.”

When stressful moments creep in, having a balanced, steady presence is a gift. Call out someone for being that solid anchor. No organization will thrive if its people are prone to freak out easily. You need someone who is level-headed in chaos. Compliment that person for the stability they bring, and give positive feedback.

7. “You see the big picture.”

The minutia of day-to-day tasks can be a grind. It’s easy to get bogged down with the little things and miss the larger goals. Compliment the people who keep the finish line in focus. That perspective keeps the team on track. Tell them you’re thankful for them and for the vision they bring to your organization.

Sound off: What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

The post 7 Compliments Leaders Should Give Others appeared first on All Pro Dad.

When my kids make me gifts for Father’s Day and write me sweet cards, I’m often overwhelmed. I sometimes feel like an imposter. While I do my best to be a good dad, I know there are many ways I could be better. But the words in the cards and these memorable gifts are also a motivation this year to step up my dad game. If you’ve ever asked yourself, “How can I be a better father?” here are 8 Father’s Day resolutions.

1. I will be more present.

I’ve watched a lot of hockey the past two springs as my favorite team has gone on lengthy playoff runs. But between games, there are highlights, articles, and podcasts, which means I’m staring at my phone instead of being with my kids. A good first resolution is to minimize the distractions in your life. Make sure your kids know they’re more important than work, screens, and your favorite sports team by choosing to be more present with them. The story you read or the effort to look over their homework may not seem like much to you, but they’ll notice you’re there with them.

2. I will spend more time playing with them.

When the other kids were gone to camp, my young daughter had me blow up the kiddie pool in the backyard. At first, she was excited to have it all to herself, but it quickly became obvious that she was lonely, so I went out to play in the pool with her. Don’t be afraid to get wet or to get messy. It doesn’t matter if they’d like to wrestle, have a tea party, build LEGOs, or toss a ball around. The key is that you’re in the middle of it with them. Be ready to spend time playing on the floor, getting into the kiddie pool, or going outside and shooting hoops. Kids love it when Dad is willing to step into their world.

3. I will set a better example for them.

The number of pretzels and Cheerios that end up at the bottom of our pantry drives me bananas. I couldn’t understand why my kids are always grabbing handfuls of these between meals, until my wife pointed out that it’s what I do too. Kids are copycats. No matter how much you want your kids to do what you say and not what you do, they’re going to imitate your actions more than listen to your words. If you’re wondering how you can be a better father, try to model those qualities you most want them to develop: things like honesty, courage, kindness, integrity, compassion, and empathy.

4. I will let them know they’re valuable.

My teenage son is always the first to start filling the sink to wash dishes, even before we tell the kids to start clearing the table. When I told him, in clear terms, how much I appreciate his maturity and helpfulness, he sat up straighter and tried hard not to smile too widely. A great dad resolution is to use your words to build up your kids. Tell them the good things and growth you see when you look at them. A dad is in a privileged position to tell his kids how much they matter. Use that privilege to build them up.

5. I will keep my temper in check.

When I handed my son the pressure washer, I expected him to soak the car and me as well. What I didn’t expect was the carnage that came when he pressure-washed the flower garden. And I’m not proud of how I reacted in that moment. Kids mess up sometimes, and how you respond matters. Emily Edlynn, Ph.D., says, “[M]ost of the time, yelling is not a parenting strategy but an emotional response.” When your kids misbehave, work to make sure your reaction is appropriate to the situation. Trying to yell less is a good resolution for dads to work on.

6. I will honor my kids’ mother.

For years, I’ve tried to keep a stash of Oh Henry! bars in the house. These are my wife’s favorites. Whenever I grab a couple at the checkout, my kids give me a knowing smile. They know the Oh Henry! bars are for Mom. The way you treat your kids’ mom will be the standard your kids use to measure their own relationships. Whether you’re with your kids’ mom or not, resolve to treat her with honor and respect. Your kids should never hear you talk badly about her or contradict her in front of them. Do all you can to love her and honor her better this year than last year.

7. I will give them one-on-one time.

I don’t know that she really likes The Hobbit, but it’s one of my favorite stories. That’s why last winter, my nine-year-old daughter asked me to read it to her every night. Kids savor alone time with their dad. If you’ve got a lot of kids at home, find ways to spend time with each one individually throughout the week. This might be a dad date, reading to a kid before bed, or even going for a walk. One-on-one moments with your kids are a privileged opportunity to hear what’s going on in their lives. (If you’re not sure what to talk about, check out these conversation starters.)

8. I will let my kids fail.

My son burned a lot of grilled cheese sandwiches before he learned he had the burner on too high, but he got there. And I think his lunch tastes sweeter because he figured it out on his own. Your kids are learning how to play sports, do household chores, drive, and a hundred other things. They’re not going to be good at all of it right away. Instead of getting upset if they don’t get it right, embrace their imperfections and teach them how to learn from their mistakes.

Sound off: How else can you be a better father?

The post 8 Father’s Day Resolutions appeared first on All Pro Dad.

However, I think parenting teens is also amazing. And the truth is, the story we tell ourselves about our kids often shapes our parenting experience. So while parenting teens is far from easy, here are 5 reasons it’s the best.

1. You can finally have a deep conversation.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the fact that toddlers lose it when you say the word “poop.” That said, poop jokes can only get you so far. There’s something amazing that happens when your kids begin to ask deeper questions about life, God, the opposite gender, friendship, and other weighty topics that pop up when you’re raising teenagers. It’s not that these conversations are easy or even calm all the time (they aren’t), but they are incredibly consequential and meaningful.

2. You can share interests.

I’ll never forget taking my kids to see LeBron James play in Cleveland. Or when I took my 15-year-old daughter to a U2 concert, and she bought a shirt. Or that time, my 17-year-old and I went to a sports bar to watch a WNBA game, then spent the evening walking around downtown Philly. It’s great to enjoy the things you love with your children. Whether it’s an experience, a movie, or a band, passing on things you love to your kids and watching them love them back is what makes parenting a blast. Raising teenagers can be the best time to make lasting memories as they learn to love the things you love.

3. You learn to ask for help.

Parenting teens was the first time I needed to look elsewhere for answers. Sure, infants and toddlers can be exhausting physically. But nothing prepares you for the angst and intelligence of a teenager testing her limits. It was during these years that my wife and I really had to ask for help–from friends, books, podcasts, and each other. And of course, it was during these years that we learned a ton. Raising teenagers tested our limits, but it also taught us how to move past them.

4. You learn to take yourself less seriously.

I used to think I was pretty cool until I had teenagers. Suddenly, I became the dad I never thought I’d be. I thought I’d be the dad who was culturally attuned and able to relate. Then came TikTok, Tayler Swift, and skinny jeans. The more I tried to engage, the sillier I looked, and the more obvious the gap between my kids and me became. At first, I was frustrated and defensive about this. But eventually, I learned it was OK to be a dorky dad as long as I was a dorky dad who loved my kids and showed up, even when it embarrassed them. When you’re raising teenagers, you learn to take yourself less seriously. And that’s a good thing for more than just parenting.

5. You get to see them grow up.

Babies and toddlers are adorable. Pre-teens are sweet and energetic. But there’s just something about the way a teen slowly but surely learns independence, discovers herself, builds (and sometimes loses) confidence, and takes risks. It can be chaotic and terrifying, but it’s also thrilling and inspiring. They may make more mistakes than good choices, but all along the way, you watch them become someone totally (and sometimes frustratingly) unique from you. Essentially, you get to see them grow up. And that, of course, is the point.

Sound off: What do you enjoy about raising teenagers?

The post 5 Reasons Parenting Teens is Actually the Best appeared first on All Pro Dad.

But there is one area of my life in which this competitive streak doesn’t apply. As my kids have gotten older, I’ve noticed I’m actually looking forward to seeing them pass me by. I still want to crush them in board games, but I’ll be very excited if they eventually out-earn me, out-give me, and live long, full lives. I’ll gladly pair silver hair with a silver medal in this area. But that won’t happen by accident, so I’m thinking of ways to help them start surpassing me now. Here are 6 ways to boost your kids’ future today.

1. Pump them up.

Not all dads are great with their words. If you grew up with one who didn’t verbalize his feelings, you may not have heard “I’m proud of you” or “Way to go” much. Maybe you’re like me and didn’t always have a dad in the home. You can change things for your kids. Consistently tell them how special they are, how proud you are, and how excited you are to be their dad. It is huge for their self-esteem. Kids are more likely to take on hard challenges when they know Dad cares about them.

A sneaky way to do this is to compliment them “sideways.” I try to praise my kids to others when I know they’re within earshot. I just slide “I can’t believe how smart they are” into conversations when they’re in the room. It’s indirect, but it hits the target—their heart. In a recent podcast interview, Steve Harvey lamented the fact that his biggest cheerleader died when his dad passed away, but he’s still fueled by his encouraging words. Be the boost your kids will need in the future by reminding them how special they are today.

2. Provide for them.

If you equate “provide” with “make a ton of money,” pause for a second. Yes, dads should earn money and provide their kids with the essentials, but “provide” goes far beyond clothes, food, and housing. Love is essential. Guidance is essential. So are support, encouragement, emotional and spiritual support, and feelings of belonging. Dads must provide all these things. You don’t have to be perfect at this, but you do have to try. How is a man supposed to lead his family if he doesn’t take care of their needs?

Here’s a great tip for you: Don’t compare what you provide for your family to others’. Your neighbor has his kids, and you have yours. Your kids’ needs are probably different, and it’s your job to provide what they need. Anticipate when they’ll feel anxious and respond. Listen when they’re hurting and offer empathy. Reassure them that you see their nervousness. Buy the ice cream cone when they get a good grade. When you become a great provider, your kids won’t feel the need to go find fulfillment somewhere else. They’ll look back on childhood knowing they’re fully equipped because you worked so hard to provide well, beyond just new shirts and tacos.

3. Nudge them.

One way I’ll boost my kids’ future is to nudge them outside their comfort zones. They may not like this, as evidenced by the conversation I just had with my teen, who is nervous about performing in front of large groups. That’s understandable, but I nudged her anyway, because it’s good for her. We believe in our kids before they believe in themselves sometimes. So, I told my daughter I think she would shine in front of others because I’ve seen her do it at home. Your kids may not buy into your nudge as quickly as you’d like, but that’s OK. It may take time to get them to see your vision for them. Keep nudging them in those “uncomfortable” areas. They may eventually receive it as you having confidence in them. Listen to Episode 114 of the All Pro Dad podcast for tips to do this well.

4. Pray for them.

I believe that, in addition to pumping up our kids, providing for them, and giving them confidence, praying over them can set them up well. At the very least, they’ll know Dad cares enough to ask God for help. When we redid a wall in our home, we followed the command from Deuteronomy 6:9. We prayed and wrote scripture on the 2-by-4s hidden in the walls. The section of Scripture tells parents to “Impress (God’s commands) on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down, and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.” Just like our unseen 2-by-4s, I think the prayers I pray for my kids today will provide important structure for the future. If you are looking for a place to start, ask God to help your kids develop character, conviction, and courage.

5. Talk about consequences.

You do your kids zero favors by letting them get away with stuff they shouldn’t. Did they lie to you? Cheat on a test? Break curfew? There should be a consequence. Not because you like punishing them, but because they’ve ignored a rule or broken a boundary you’ve set as the parent. It shows total disrespect to know the rule and not follow it, so a consequence must happen to demonstrate that instructions matter.

An old proverb (Proverbs 3:12) says, “For whom the Lord loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth.” Discipline is love. Discipline is good for kids, even if it doesn’t feel good. How can you do this in the least painful way possible? Hand out every consequence in love. Don’t do it in the heat of the moment. Hand out discipline when you’re calm. Do your best to explain your reasons and stand firm on your decisions. Do everything with fairness in mind.

6. Prioritize them.

I just talked with a dad on the phone today who is working through work-life balance with his kids. He has three girls under five and wants to spend more time with them, but his demanding job requires travel and long hours. Maybe you feel that tension too. How is a man supposed to lead his family when he’s juggling so much? What you’re experiencing is the importance of your role. You are their foundation. If you are a steady presence, they’ll feel more secure. So, prioritize your kids as much as possible. This doesn’t mean quit your job, eliminate your free time, or cut out all hobbies. It means go all in when you’re with your kids. Give them 100% of your attention, even if you can’t give them all of your time. Don’t rush through the bedtime routines. Walk the dog together at a slow pace. And do your best to be at the school play. They’ll feel loved when you put them above other things.

Sound off: Have you asked yourself, “How is a man supposed to lead his family?”

The post 6 Ways to Boost Your Kids’ Future Today appeared first on All Pro Dad.

Putting on a fake smile is dangerous if you’re avoiding deeper issues in your marriage. That’s what happened with Jack’s family. This was about much more than one family photo. They had a habit of smiling and pretending that everything was all right day after day. They didn’t deal with the things that were going on beneath the surface, and their marriage paid the price. We can be tempted to do the same thing. Here are 6 ways we gloss over marital problems.

1. We try to stay busy.

Being married and having kids makes for full days. There’s always housework, homework, extra-curricular activities, and many other things that require time. All of this sits above and beyond whatever responsibilities you have at work. When things get tough at home, it’s easy to lean into them because it means we have less downtime. One way to fight back against this kind of busyness is to have the hard conversations or go over the misunderstanding from earlier that day. Resolving issues rather than ignoring them keeps your marriage strong.

2. We try to escape.

Most of us carry a phone in our pockets designed to draw and hold our attention. For a marriage in trouble, this can be harmful. But it’s more than just our phones. It could be taking extra trips, working overtime, spending excessive time playing video games, or looking at porn. All these distractions are a symptom that we’re trying to hide from the things that are wrong in our marriage. Be aware of the unhealthy ways you try to avoid marital problems and be willing to scale back or cut them entirely out of your life.

3. We live in denial.

When problems show up in a marriage, we might tell ourselves that everything is OK and that things are going to get better on their own. But denying that you have a problem means you’re not going to do anything about it. Chances are, if you feel like something is off, your wife does too. Instead of denying you have a problem, be willing to face reality. Ask yourself what’s really going on here: Are you both unhappy? Are you caught in a rut of bad habits, like watching shows in different rooms or never going to bed at the same time?

4. We avoid conflict.

No one likes to fight, so sometimes we bite our tongues or change the subject when hard things come up. A family law clinic in Illinois says, “When couples don’t talk openly, problems grow.” Work on this problem by learning to use “I feel” statements whenever possible. When you’re ticked off with your wife, don’t say, “You always belittle me in public,” instead try, “When you made fun of me in the grocery store, I felt really embarrassed,” or “I sometimes feel like a lower priority than the kids.” Learning how to fight more fairly can help de-escalate marital problems.

5. We minimize the problem.

There’s a scene in the movie Monty Python and the Holy Grail where, during a duel, King Arthur cuts off an opposing knight’s arm. The knight famously replies, “’Tis only a flesh wound,” and tries to continue the duel. We do something similar when we realize we’ve got marital problems but fail to acknowledge that it’s serious. We tell ourselves it’s not a big deal and pretend nothing’s wrong. Instead of minimizing, try to look at things objectively. What’s really going on here? How can I make things better?

6. We project the blame on others.

People hate to admit when they’ve done something wrong. This is why many of us are tempted to blame others instead. If only they acted differently, things would be better. We might blame our wives, the way our parents raised us, or the pressures of a busy season at work. Whether or not it’s true, the attitude and actions you can change are your own. Resist the urge to fixate on what others do (or don’t do) and be willing to change what you can in your own life. When you recognize and work on your own shortcomings, you’ll see the payoff in your marriage as well.

Sound off: What are some other ways we gloss over marital problems?

The post 6 Ways We Gloss Over Marital Problems appeared first on All Pro Dad.

I try not to sit in my regrets, but I do try to let them teach me, both so I can offer advice to my own son as he raises his kids (if he asks) and to shape how I might engage my children now that they are adults. Here are my top 10 regrets from raising my kids; consider it advice for new dads.

1. Not Playing More

When our kids were young, it was easy to spend more time keeping them busy than playing with them. Distracting them so I could get “more important” things done was my priority. If I were to give advice for new dads now, I’d say play with your kids daily. It’s good for them in a myriad of ways, and it strengthens your bond with each other.

2. Not Reading More

I often found myself speed-reading a book to my kids, or skipping it altogether, just to get them in bed so that I could get other things done. I don’t remember what those other things were. But I do remember the times I slowed down and read to my kids. So do they. Read to your children daily. It’s great for their development and great for both of you relationally.

3. Not Dating Their Mom

We didn’t have the time or money to go on dates regularly when our kids were young. But this took a toll on our relationship. Remember, your relationship with your wife preceded that with your kids. And long after your kids leave the house (hopefully), you’ll still have each other. Invest in one another now. You can find inexpensive ways to date their mom. The key is to do it.

4. Not Having a Hobby

Who has time for hobbies? Not me as a young dad. But that also meant I didn’t have one to share with my kids as they grew. I looked around and saw dads taking their kids skiing, golfing, or bike riding, and thought, “I wish I had time for that.” But really, no one does. Some people choose to make that time, and that makes a difference. Be that dad. Find something that brings you joy and then do it with your kids.

5. Not Making Them Help Me

As a young dad, I rarely had my kids help me do things around the house, whether that was tightening a loose doorknob, cleaning the toilets, or changing the oil on the car; they just made it take longer. The problem, of course, was that as they grew, they didn’t know how to do some basic things like wash dishes, vacuum, and mow the lawn. Sometimes it will be a battle, but you should make your kids help you when possible. Not only will they learn life skills, but you’ll likely make some great memories along the way.

6. Not Saying Hard Things

It can be tempting for dads to pull punches. You want your kids to like you. Or at least, I did. I wanted badly to be the “fun dad,” so I often avoided saying hard things. However, your kids need you to be clear, not cool. They need to hear when their behavior is inappropriate and or when they’re being disrespectful. They need to know that “if you want a friend, you need to be a friend.” All of this can be done respectfully, privately, and even gently. Saying hard things is not the same as getting angry. In fact, sometimes saying the difficult thing early enough can prevent you from losing your cool.

7. Not Taking More Walks

Taking walks takes time. I rarely took my kids on walks when they were young because that seemed pointless. But occasionally I would, and the results were remarkable. Drawn-out time together led to conversations, bonding, increased energy, and spontaneous fun. Find time to take walks with your kids. You can take them before bedtime to help them burn off a little energy, or on the weekend when they want to explore. The walks don’t have to be long, but their effects will be long-lasting.

8. Not Visiting My Dad

My parents lived about six hours away from me when my kids were young. Traveling with young kids is hard, so I rarely made the effort. We’d see my mom and dad two or three times a year. It was a hassle, so I just didn’t prioritize it. Then my dad passed away at age 63. All of a sudden, the relationship I had taken for granted was gone, and my kids no longer had a chance to know my father. My advice for new dads is not to put off important relationships because they are inconvenient. Make time for the people who matter–to you and your kids.

9. Not Taking More Vacations

Neither my wife nor I grew up in families that went on vacation, so early on in our parenting journey, we didn’t either. Then one year, a friend offered us their house in the Outer Banks for a week. After a low-key week together, I looked at my wife and said, “This is why people go on vacation.” From that point on, we made vacationing a priority. We found that taking time away from the chaos of normal life created lasting memories with our kids. Vacations don’t have to be expensive (we’ve done lots of tent camping in state parks), but multiple days with you and your kids in a different environment can be transformative.

10. Not Forcing Them to Listen to My Music

Music while driving with young kids is often a tool to keep the peace. So when I was a young parent, the soundtrack was often songs to keep my kids happy. But later, as they got older, I realized that much of the music I so appreciated was foreign to them. While many of my parents’ values were passed on to me through their music—and hearing that music now has a way of making me feel connected to my parents—my kids know very little about the music I care about. If you’re a dad, make your kids listen to your music with you, at least sometimes. Who knows? Maybe connecting with the music that moves you will deepen their sense of connection with you too.

Sound off: What would you give as advice for new dads?

Don’t beat yourself up for the parent you used to be. On the All Pro Dad Podcast, we discuss how to trade guilt for growth as we gain experience along the way.

The post My Top 10 Regrets From Raising My Kids appeared first on All Pro Dad.

Nobody likes to lose stuff, but leaders should consider doing without certain things. No, I’m not talking about phone chargers. I’m talking about things that are harmful. Leaders are constantly saying and doing things that undercut their ability to lead well. The tricky part is that we’d probably cut these characteristics of a bad leader, but they’re stuck in our blind spots. Next time you’re looking for your glasses, consider what you can trim to become a better leader. If you need a head start, here are 5 things leaders should lose.

1. Ego

Good leaders should elevate everyone around them. They see the best in their team members and don’t put themselves ahead of others. If you have an ego, you make reaching that goal much harder. People don’t like being around leaders who are full of themselves, think they are better than others, or only consider their own interests. Putting yourself at the center of every conversation is one of the characteristics of a bad leader.

It’s far better to have humility. Even if you are great at what you do, it’s not all about you. Build people up with your words and leave room for others to excel. Suppress the urge to make things about you. The people you’re leading will want to be around you more and will respect you for seeing everyone as equals. Acknowledge that everyone on your team has something they can contribute, and that means each person plays a key role.

2. Total Control

You can thank Steve Jobs for the iPhone. You can also thank him for learning to let go of control. Jobs was ousted from Apple in 1985 because he refused to relinquish control. He micromanaged people, centralized decisions, and alienated capable executives. He was brilliant, but nobody wanted him around because he gripped control so tightly. When he did return to Apple, he delegated much more effectively, which contributed to the company’s massive success. When he allowed others into the process, collaboration led to innovation.

The same goes for you. Total control is another one of the characteristics of a bad leader because it often leads to pressure, poor outcomes, and division. Leaders should respect others and confidently hand off important tasks. Don’t be the adult version of that kid who wouldn’t let anyone else participate in the school project for fear that they’d “mess it up.” Trust the people on your team. You picked them because you saw their skills and potential. Allow them to succeed or fail. It’s when we let go of control that people feel freed up to innovate and achieve great things.

3. Sensitivity

Being sensitive is good. Leaders should be understanding, caring, and accommodating. But it’s not good to be so sensitive that you’re easily pushed off course by the people you’re serving. That derails projects, shortens progress, and undermines your ability to steer the ship effectively as a leader.

Part of being a leader is knowing that, despite your best efforts, you probably won’t make everyone happy. You’ll make decisions that are not popular. You will be criticized and questioned for them. Sometimes to your face. Sometimes behind your back. Good leaders should expect it and prepare for it by growing a thick skin. Sensitivity can be an ally but also a snare. Be careful not to be easily tossed around by differing opinions. Judge carefully and be wise.

4. Carelessness

Before getting on a plane, pilots comb through their pre-flight checklist. The wings are examined. The doors and windows must open and close safely. The wheels can’t be loose. This check must be done every time before firing up the engine. Will the plane still fly if pilots ignore the checklist? Probably. But imagine you’re a passenger on a small plane and notice that the pilot failed to examine it. Do you feel safe? Carelessness erodes trust on the runway and in every other setting.

When leaders become careless, it invites skepticism. It paints you as unreliable and cavalier. Leaders shouldn’t make hasty decisions. Carelessness is also one of the characteristics of a bad leader because it leads to mistakes. When leaders embrace details, protocols, and intentionality, they endear themselves to others. When they fail to do that, they put distance between themselves and the people they’re leading. Carelessness is disrespectful. Reject it.

5. Irritability

If you’re easily bothered and make little things into big things, you’re irritable. That’s a characteristic of a bad leader, not a composed one. Having a low threshold for frustration works against you as a leader because the people around you will think they can never be open about things. They’ll know that anything that’s remotely bothersome may set you off. If you snap at small requests, are constantly impatient, or have outsized reactions to problems, you’ll earn the reputation of an irritable person. This is like hugging sandpaper.

Irritability is usually caused by stress, fatigue, or perfectionism. Work towards eliminating it to tamp down your short-temperedness. People will feel safer around you when you’re less irritable, which will create a better work environment where communication is honest and team-oriented.

Sound off: How has changing your approach helped you grow as a leader?

The post 5 Things Leaders Should Lose appeared first on All Pro Dad.

I think the thing that helped me was my parents doing a good job of having empathy, but also encouraging independence. Do you have a Velcro kid? Is your child clingy to either you or your wife? Should it make you uneasy? Are you wondering how to handle it? We have answers to those questions and more. Here are those answers and how to handle a Velcro kid.

How does a child become a Velcro kid?

Having a Velcro kid is not the end of the world. Typically, it’s just a phase and can be triggered by feeling insecure or unstable, and these kids have a need for safety that they look for their parents to provide. It could be that the kid is experiencing developmental changes or big situational changes like a new school or a move. I think that was one of my causes. My family moved several times when I was young, and I would cling to what was familiar and safe. Kids can experience trauma, bullying, or something painful that may cause them to be clingy, again in search of safety. This was another one of mine. I had a bad experience with a babysitter at age three. It didn’t rise to the level of trauma or abuse, but I think it gave me anxiety about being separated from my parents.

What are the downsides to having a Velcro kid?

Parental Dependence
Velcro kids are dependent on their parents for everything. Parents don’t get a moment to themselves, which can lead to exhaustion and burnout.

Lack of Coping Skills
If it persists, it can lead to a lack of coping skills. The child becomes dependent on the parent(s) to handle their problems. This leads to an inability to deal with challenges and painful experiences.

Fear of Taking Risks
Avoiding risks keeps kids from having new experiences, managing their anxiety, and developing perseverance.

Lack of Boundaries
Kids need boundaries. That includes the parent-child relationship. Boundaries make kids feel more secure and help them learn social and behavioral norms.

Enmeshment
Velcro kids can lead to enmeshment with a parent if clinginess becomes an ongoing pattern. Enmeshment is over-involvement in each other’s lives and a lack of healthy boundaries. For example, the child becomes more of a peer and best friend to the parent rather than a parent-child relationship.

Stress on Your Marriage
The demands a Velcro kid places on parents can cause significant stress in a marriage. Husbands and wives need time together, and when they don’t get it, they can become disconnected.

How do you handle Velcro kids?

Kids need to learn that they are OK apart from their parents. Being bonded to you or your wife is a good thing. However, it’s also good for them if you introduce a little independence. Start small. Tell your child you’re going to leave the room for one minute. Don’t sneak out; tell them you’re leaving and that you’ll be back. Sneaking out undermines their trust and doesn’t solve the problem. This is something you need to work on with them intentionally.

Introduce room time. Tell them they will have five minutes in their room without you (or less if their clinginess is severe). They may throw a fit the first time (or maybe even the first 10 times). Stick with it and gradually increase the amount of time. Also, make room time a consistent part of the schedule. Velcro kids do better when they know what to expect and when their schedule is consistent and predictable.

Don’t expect instant change. It will take some time, but know that Velcro kids typically aren’t clingy forever. It tends to be a phase that eventually ends, but doing some of these things helps kids take healthy steps toward age-appropriate self-reliance and builds their self-confidence.

Are you or your wife a Velcro parent?

A Velcro parent is someone who stays overwhelmingly close to their child, both emotionally and physically. In this case, the parent is the initiator in being inseparable. Typically, the parent has an unmet need or fear that motivates them to stay unhealthily attached to their child. Perhaps they were abandoned as a kid or are fearful of pain and loss.

Bottom line, this is a problem. Velcro parents will often tout the closeness they have with their kids, and that’s great. But kids need the ability to stand on their own rather than constantly being dependent on their parents. Otherwise, it can deeply affect a child’s self-confidence, perseverance, and their belief in their ability to handle challenges. That adds to the ongoing anxiety problem plaguing kids today.

Proverbs 22:6 says, “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.” It doesn’t say attach yourself to your kid forever so you can direct them through life. The verse compels us to guide them for a while and then let them go. The best way to do that is to guide kids and then back off so they can learn to navigate, problem-solve, and overcome challenges on their own. If we cling to them, at best, they’ll struggle to stand alone. At worst, they never will.

Sound off: Do you have Velcro kids? How have you dealt with them?

If you want to raise resilient kids who aren’t afraid of a challenge, join us on the All Pro Dad Podcast as we dive into why the best growth happens just outside their comfort zone

The post How to Handle a Velcro Kid appeared first on All Pro Dad.

Sadly, for my friend Jason and many men, we face relationship dysfunction of our own making. While marriage is a two-way street, and both parties always have skin in the game, sometimes we can be our own worst enemies. Here are 5 relationship killers men often bring into marriage.

1. Poor Self-Image

Many men struggle with poor self-image. Whether it’s a result of how you were parented, experiences you had growing up, or something else, when you struggle to see yourself as deserving of love, it can make it difficult to open up to your wife. Intimacy becomes challenging, if not impossible, because you’re fearful of letting her in. This can create isolation, frustration, and resentment within the marriage relationship, becoming one of the real relationship killers.

If you can’t love yourself, you can’t let yourself be loved by someone else. A healthy relationship begins with a healthy self-image, but it can be difficult to change the story you’re telling yourself. You’ll need some help. This could be as simple as journaling your thoughts about yourself and sharing them with someone you trust to get feedback. Perhaps even better would be seeing a therapist who can help you sort through those thoughts and change your narrative.

2. Emotional Immaturity

One of the relationship killers men often bring to their marriage is emotional immaturity. Many of us never saw our parents have a difficult conversation and then work through it. Or maybe we had a parent who simply got defensive whenever he was challenged or melted down and needed to be taken care of. And the inability to regulate our emotions–recognizing when you’re hurt or angry and channeling that into constructive responses–can wreak havoc on our marriages. All of this and more are signs of emotional immaturity.

If you’re recognizing these patterns in yourself, the first step is to admit it to yourself and your wife, and the second is to seek the help of a counselor who can walk with you in developing the skills you need to grow in this area. Self-reflection and honesty are necessary if you’re going to begin to mature emotionally.

3. Shame

Shame is toxic to you and to those you love. We often confuse shame and guilt, but research professor Brené Brown makes a helpful distinction. She suggests that guilt is incredibly helpful as it acknowledges that we did something that doesn’t measure up to our personal values (I lied, or I screamed at my kids), whereas shame says some version of “I’m damaged. There’s something wrong with me.” Shame is one of the most effective relationship killers out there.

If you’re living with a sense that you just can’t measure up, as difficult as it is, it’s important to bring that into the light. Consider writing down your thoughts and feelings and then sharing those with a trusted friend. You might be surprised by how your internal shame dialogue sounds to others, and they can then suggest alternative ways of seeing yourself and the situation. Learning to love yourself is difficult, but necessary, not just for you, but for your marriage.

4. Conflict Avoidance

Look, very few people like conflict. We all want people to like us and generally be happy with us. And yet, life is rarely like that. Because people are imperfect, it’s inevitable that there will be disagreements, misunderstandings, and conflict. This is especially true in marriage, where you’re not only in an intimate relationship with another human, but you’re also trying to build a life together in ways you’ve never done before. Conflict is not only inevitable, but it’s also necessary for you to learn and grow together. Conflict avoidance, then, is one of the sneaky relationship killers in that you feel like you’re doing the right thing by not creating conflict, but in reality, you’re running away from intimacy and growth.

Conflict, if engaged graciously and humbly, can be a real gift to you and your marriage. Choosing to lean in when you want to run and hide can make all the difference in the world. What if you were to simply name for your wife the tension you feel? What if you said something like: “Look, this is hard for me to say, but I want to be honest with you. It’s possible that I’m wrong, but I want you to know how I feel, and you are welcome to disagree.” Facing the conflict and working through it with your wife helps you grow personally and strengthens your relationship.

5. Poor Communication

Poor communication is one of the biggest relationship killers. Communication is essential to everyday life, and when you can’t get on the same page, it’s hard to thrive together. Misunderstandings become blow-ups. Feelings get hurt. Actions are misinterpreted. What’s supposed to be a partnership can feel like a tug-of-war.

That said, poor communication is also the challenge that is probably the easiest to fix. If you truly want a better marriage, there are some communication skills you can begin practicing right away, such as active listening, paying attention to your tone, being as clear as possible, and being mindful of facial expressions and body language. Communicating well just takes a little practice and effort, but it can go a long way in strengthening your relationship.

Sound off: What other relationship killers are out there?

The post 5 Relationship Killers Men Often Bring to Relationships appeared first on All Pro Dad.