As nurses shook their heads at this tone-deaf statement, Sam realized this was the wrong thing to say. He and his wife laugh about it now, but it was a good lesson that many men must learn. There are moments when saying nothing is better than saying something. Here are 6 things a husband should never say to his wife.

1. “I know better.”

It’s not bad that you like to share the things you know with your wife. The problem can be how you choose to share them with her. Men can get called out for “mansplaining” when they become condescending as they explain things. Some do this to feel better about themselves. Others do it without even realizing they are being condescending. Try to give your wife the benefit of the doubt: Assume she knows how to replace the toner cartridge in the printer or how to use a set of booster cables. Ask questions to see how she’s going to tackle the problem, and then offer gentle advice and encouragement as needed. Even when you offer advice, you can offer it in the form of a question: “Have you thought of…?” It’s a little softer. You could even ask her, “Do you want me to help with the problem? Brainstorm solutions? Or do you just want me to understand?”

2. “Remember how you messed up?”

Part of marriage is working through the failures and shortcomings you both have. There may be moments when you need to call her out on something. There will be other times when she needs to do the same for you. The problem is bringing it up later to deflect from one of your own shortcomings or to score some sort of imaginary points. Taking a cheap shot like this might feel good for a moment, but ultimately, it’s going to hurt her and do damage to your relationships. Instead of reminding her she messed up, give her grace. It’s demeaning to remind her of her failings and will make her want to pull away. That’s the damage it’ll do. So be mindful of what you say and how you say it.

3. “You’re being emotional.”

When one of her colleagues was on vacation, my wife spent two weeks working with a coworker who was constantly negative and harsh. She’d come home angry, hurt, and frustrated. In moments like this, one of the things a husband should never say to his wife is that she’s being emotional. Instead, step forward and give her a hug. Men and women both experience emotions, but many women just tend to be more comfortable expressing them. This can make men uncomfortable. If your wife experiences emotions more intensely than you do, she may deal with her feelings in a different way too. Remember that it’s OK and healthy to express emotions. When your wife is having a hard time, she needs you to listen, to know that you hear her, that her feelings matter, and that you’re there for her.

4. “Your _____ isn’t as good as my mom’s.”

There’s a story of a newly married man who examined the mashed potatoes his wife had made for dinner and said, “That’s not how my mom makes them.” Their first fight promptly followed. It’s OK to want to imitate the positive attributes other people have and to share what you really love with your wife, but beware of making her feel like she’s always got to match someone else’s best. When you compare your wife’s cooking, her mannerisms, or her appearance to someone else, the underlying message is that you think she’s not good enough.

5. “I can’t believe you did that.”

Maybe you’ve had a moment like I did: My wife once took the corner in the drive-thru too tightly, smashing the headlight and caving in the bumper on our van. She felt horrible. The thing not to say to your wife in that moment is “I can’t believe you did that.” She knows she messed up, and piling on won’t do any good (nor will it fix what she broke). Instead of blaming her, empathize. We all make mistakes! Let her know you’ll help her find a way out, whether that’s getting the van fixed or helping her figure out who to ask for help.

6. “What do you do all day, anyway?”

If your wife takes care of the home and kids while you go to work, you might get home and see the same pair of socks on the floor or the same dishes in the sink as when you left. Telling her you don’t know what she does all day reflects more on you than on her. A stay-at-home mom is constantly on call: chauffeuring, nursing wounds, prepping meals, refereeing fights, and a hundred other things. You might have fixed work hours, but her workday can go from sunrise to well past sunset. Instead of questioning what she’s been up to, ask, “Honey, what do you need right now?” Then roll up your sleeves and do what you can to help.

Sound off: What else should a husband never say to his wife?

The post 6 Things a Husband Should Never Say to His Wife appeared first on All Pro Dad.

I wasn’t seeing the best in my wife. I was building a case against her, and by the time I came inside, kindness and curiosity weren’t exactly on the table. It took me months to see what was actually true: I was grieving the life we’d left behind, and instead of admitting it, I’d slapped an unfair label on my wife. But when I really considered what was true, things changed. Here are 7 things that happen when you see the best in your wife.

1. You ask better questions.

If I’d been seeing the best in Nancie, I would have remembered the simple truth: We decided to move together. It was an us decision, not a Nancie decision that I got stuck with. If I’d done this, my questions would have looked completely different: “What do you miss about our old life? What do you love about being here?” If you assume the worst about your wife and don’t ask questions, you end up ruminating on who she is and what she did…and not in a good way. Instead, when you look for the best, you get curious.

2. You become a better listener.

My friends Payden and Lane run a gym together, and for a while Payden was convinced Lane just didn’t care about getting home on time. Every late night made her colder toward him, and every cold welcome made him more distant. Then on a date night, she finally told him it hurt her. He told her the truth: He wasn’t choosing the gym over her; he was afraid of not being able to provide. When you see the best in your spouse, you quit listening for evidence, and you start hearing what your spouse is actually saying.

3. You have more empathy.

I know a guy who was convinced his wife didn’t respect his job because she kept asking when he’d “get a different one.” He’d already decided what that meant, so every time she asked, he heard it the same way. Turns out she was scared about money and didn’t know how to say it without sounding scared. When you’re looking for the best in her, you assume there’s a real reason behind the thing that’s bugging you. That’s empathy: asking instead of assuming.

4. You give more grace.

We have friends who are always late, and it can be frustrating. But when we look for the best in them, we see people who are always present, great listeners, and a ton of fun. Would we really trade that for them getting there earlier? No. Your wife might have a “flaw” like that too, one that’s annoying on a Tuesday and exactly why you love her on the days that matter. Grace is not only letting those be true, but also not holding anything against her. You’re letting it go.

5. You calm your nervous system.

Believing your wife is against you puts your body in fight-or-flight mode: tight jaw, tight shoulders, pounding heart. Marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman calls this flooding, and he found that once you’re there, it gets really hard to listen, think clearly, or solve a problem. You’re not going to see the best in your wife automatically when you’re hungry, worn out, or frustrated about something else, but you can choose to flip that switch. When you do, your body gets the message that she’s not the threat. Your shoulders drop, your brain comes back online, and you can have a conversation instead of a fight.

One trick that helps: Keep a running list of what you love about her. The late, great marriage expert Gary Smalley kept an honor book full of what he loved about his wife, Norma, and he’d read through it when he got frustrated or before a tough conversation.

6. You make better decisions.

When I’m deciding things based on a version of my wife I made up in my head, I make bad calls. Payden and Lane eventually worked out a rhythm: more staff at the gym, dinner delivered on the nights he couldn’t leave, honesty about which nights really mattered. None of that happens if you’ve decided your spouse is the problem. Seeing the best in your wife puts you on the same side of the table, working the actual problem.

7. You love better.

Researcher Dr. Helen Fisher studied couples still madly in love after an average of 21 years of marriage. She found more activity in the part of the brain tied to positive illusion, the habit of focusing on what you love about your spouse instead of what you don’t. The good news is you can choose to see the best in your wife before the negative feelings show up. Let the view of what you love about her block the view of what you don’t.

Sound off: What’s one time you saw the best in your wife, and it changed the whole moment?

The post 7 Things That Happen When You See the Best in Your Wife appeared first on All Pro Dad.

While you and I both know that in 10 years this will be something you kid her about, in the moment it feels like this huge bombshell, and she’s going into Christmas break feeling sad and like a standout, in the worst way. So how do you help your teenager when she falls short of her goals, not just academically, but in general? Here are 5 ways to encourage her when she faces disappointment.

1. Find out what’s really happening.

It’s easy for us to tell ourselves the story of what’s happening in our teen’s mind. You know her well, and you tell yourself the story before ever asking her why she’s so upset. You might be right, but you may also be missing key details. Sure, maybe she’s upset about that grade because she’s too concerned with fitting in. But it’s also possible she doesn’t want to disappoint you. Or maybe she’s really driven to succeed and is holding herself to a high standard. Take the time to do some investigating. Ask questions. Listen intently. To help your teenager deal with disappointment, make sure you understand before you try to solve it.

2. Empathize.

You’re going to be tempted to minimize immediately. And you’re not wrong. The bad grade or not making the team or breaking up with the boyfriend are all things that, in the grand scheme of things, are not nearly as big a deal as they seem to her in this moment. But don’t go there yet. Try to put yourself in her shoes. You were a teenager once and faced rejection, failure, disappointment. You may not have felt the emotions in the same way, but you certainly didn’t see them with the safety of time and distance as you do now. Spend some time comforting and connecting. Don’t minimize it. Say things like, “I get it. This is tough. I remember feeling paralyzed when I was taking a course like this. I know what it must feel like.” She doesn’t need to know she’s wrong. She needs to know she’s not alone.

3. Give her some perspective.

Eventually, you’ll want to help her see the bigger picture. “This too shall pass” is probably too trite. But you could tell a story of a time you failed or felt left out or didn’t accomplish what you had hoped. Talk about the emotions you felt and perhaps how you, like her, felt devastated. But then…time, new information, perseverance, and whatever else eventually helped you move past it will likely be a reality for her as well. She won’t see it yet. She can’t. But she needs to know that there is hope that she won’t always feel this way.

4. Discuss practical options.

Many of us dads struggle with a “fix it” mentality. When you think of how to help your teenager deal with disappointment, you immediately want to jump in and fix whatever is going wrong. That can be pretty unhelpful. However, working with her to develop practical next steps can be very empowering. If she’s struggling in a class, is there an opportunity for tutoring or watching online videos together? If she didn’t make the team, are there other opportunities for sports or friendships or activities to pursue? Sometimes emotions can be so strong that they block her ability to process her options. Having you help her see that there are things she can do to move her goals forward, or even adjust them, can help.

5. Do something together.

When you’re helping your teenager deal with disappointment, the most important thing you can do is connect. She needs perspective and next steps, but she also needs to know she’s not alone. She needs to know that failure doesn’t lead to you pushing her away. When my teenage daughters were battling disappointment, I’d often suggest we go for a walk or a drive. I might pick up milkshakes or suggest a movie night. What you do is less important than the fact that you do something together. In part, it helps to take her mind off of it. But it also reminds her that your desire to be with her isn’t tied to achievement.

Sound off: What other ways can you help your teenager deal with disappointment?

The post When Your Teen Falls Short of Her Goal appeared first on All Pro Dad.

The scam is so common there is a term for it: parent shopping. Your child asks one parent, does not love the price, and goes shopping for a better deal from the other. It is not proof that your kid is sneaky or that your marriage is in trouble. It just means you and your spouse are not a united front, and that is fixable. Here are 4 ways to stop your kids from shopping for a different answer.

1. Make it a house rule, not a parent rule.

Somewhere in your house, out loud, say something like this: If Dad says no, the answer is no, even if you ask Mom. And if Mom says no, the answer is no, even if you ask Dad. It tells your kids this has nothing to do with which parent is softer or easier to wear down. Parent shopping only works when your kids believe there are two separate stores with two different price tags. Once they realize you and your wife are going to say the same thing, playing one parent against the other stops being worth the walk to the other room.

2. Get on the same page before the moment hits.

Most of this shopping around doesn’t happen because you and your wife genuinely disagree on the big stuff. It happens because you never talked about the small stuff, so you end up freestyling as your daughter gives you the look that has worked before. Sit down with your wife and talk through the usual suspects. Screen time. Sweets. Bedtime. Sleepovers. Just some general ideas on the big stuff, which usually translates into the small stuff. It is amazing how much calmer the house feels when you are actually on the same page before your kids even ask.

3. Use the phrase, “Let me check with your mom first.”

For anything that is not an obvious yes or no, have a phrase ready. Let me check with your mom. That is it. Four words, and they do three things at once. They slow your kids down. They keep you from making a promise your spouse has to clean up later. And they remind everyone, including you, that this is a two-person decision, not a one-stop shop. Kids are smart. Say it enough times and they stop bothering to ask twice.

4. Have your spouse’s back first.

This is an important one dads skip because it sounds too obvious. The real issue isn’t controlling the kids. It’s getting the two of you on the same page. When parents disagree on discipline, your kids can feel and see the crack. Not because they are running a con, but because kids learn fast that asking twice sometimes works. When Mom and Dad are a united front, parent shopping fades fast because there’s nowhere else to run.

To Randal, and every other dad who has been the victim of a cute hustler, get on the same page with your wife before the next request, and eventually your kid will figure out there isn’t another answer waiting in the next room.

Sound off: Name a time you and your wife presented a united front. How did your kids respond?

The post 4 Ways to Stop Your Kids From Shopping for a Different Answer appeared first on All Pro Dad.

I thought that jersey was my missing ingredient. I thought it was my ticket to belonging. Turns out, it made little difference. Nobody really cared that I suddenly “supported” the Canes. I didn’t get invited to new parties. I not only bought a jersey I didn’t really like, but I also fell for the idea that it would open some doors for me. Looking back, I think we all do versions of this, hoping the thing we buy will actually deliver something deeper. The problem is, stuff rarely delivers. Here are 5 lies buying stuff sells us.

1. This will make you happy.

A friend told me about a woman she knew who fell in love with Amazon. She liked getting home from a long day at work and seeing a tiny package waiting on the porch. The dopamine hit felt good, so she kept ordering stuff online. The deliveries kept coming, and she felt good for a while. But her job didn’t get easier. Her life didn’t improve. Her spending didn’t increase her happiness. We can all fall into the trap of thinking new books, shirts, or shoes will provide a lasting high. They almost never do. First Peter 1:24-25 says “…The grass withers, and the flower falls, but the word of the Lord remains forever.” Amazon is full of things that will wither and fall.

Actor Jim Carrey once said, “I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.” If you’ve been chasing happiness through things, what are you really chasing? Are you lonely? Bored? Feeling unsuccessful? New stuff won’t fix these things. Go find contentment in lasting, positive things, like spending time with people you love, doing hobbies, and going places that provide you with good memories. Chase better things than stuff you can buy.

2. This will give you status.

The watch. The boat. The season tickets. Sometimes we buy things we don’t even want, but we know our neighbors will take notice. That purchase is no longer about enjoying the thing when we think this way. It’s about us getting status. We buy things to gain status because we think it will make us feel special, important, or better than others. We can feel like we’ve “made it” when we dine at the 5-star restaurant or hang the 100-inch TV on the wall. We feel superior, even if others disagree.

Buying for status is a never-ending cycle. It will always lead to a new thing. That’s how you’ll maintain your appearance. Instead of chasing status, focus on the wisdom from Proverbs 22:1, which says, “A good name is more desirable than great riches; to be esteemed is better than silver or gold.” I’d say building a “good name” is better than trying to build status too. A good name is developed by good decision-making, care for others, and selflessness over time. This is a lesson we teach ourselves first and then to our kids. If you want to buy the new thing, go for it. But maybe ask yourself first, “Would I still want this if nobody knew I had it?”

3. This will define you.

You are not a country club member. You’re a person with a country club membership. There’s a difference. When our stuff becomes our identity, we start to work toward accumulating more noteworthy possessions, hoping to build a more impressive identity. That’s an issue, because an identity built on things that can be taken away, broken, or lost is a fragile identity. Consider how much it would hurt if you lost the possession. If it feels like you’d be losing part of yourself, that’s a sign you could be defining yourself by your things.

When we live for stuff, we start defining ourselves by what we possess. Who are we when that stuff goes away? We must find our identity in something higher. Psalm 139:17-18 says His thoughts about us outnumber every grain of sand on the earth. That tells me we’re immensely valuable. Our value doesn’t come from having things. It comes from being known and loved by God. Nobody can take that away.

4. You’ll be loved.

This is a bit of a fight in our home every December. I am of the opinion that we don’t need to buy our kids more than a few small Christmas gifts each. My wife really wants to spoil them at that time of year. I get it. But my pushback has always been guarding my children against the idea that stuff equals love. I don’t want my kids to grade my affection based on the number of items beneath the tree.

Adults do this too. We can flash our expensive gifts to show off. Or spend a bunch of money on something like a Disney trip or sports event to make up for not spending time together. This is an acknowledgment that we’re falling short. Don’t use money to buy your way out of that reality. Consider if you’ve begun using things to compensate for your time, attention, and presence at home. Don’t avoid problems in relationships by trying to buy love. If you or your kids’ Love Language is gifts, this can be especially tricky. Make the distinction in your home that you love each other for who they are, not what they’ve given you or what you can give them.

5. This stuff will satisfy.

In Matthew 19, the “rich young ruler” asks Jesus what he must do to inherit eternal life. Jesus said to him, “If you would be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.” Verse 22 says, “When the young man heard this, he went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions.” Our stuff has a way of becoming the most important thing in our life.

This is another danger of materialism. “If I can just get enough, I’ll be happy.” But that’s a lie. Seeking satisfaction in things will make you less satisfied with what you already have. It’ll impact relationships because our friend’s house can become a reminder that yours is smaller. His car isn’t just nicer; it shows you’re “falling behind.” That comparison, which easily happens when we seek satisfaction from things, will rob us of contentment. Instead of worrying about what you don’t have, invest your time and effort in relationships and be grateful for what you already have.

Sound off: What dangers of materialism trip you up most?

The post Buying Stuff Sells Us These 5 Lies appeared first on All Pro Dad.

One day you turn around, and you and your wife realize you’re running a successful household, but you’re not running after each other. No one intends for that to happen, but that’s the thing. Marriages don’t accidentally go well (nothing good does). You have to choose to pursue your wife. Here are 5 ways to pursue your wife.

1. Fan the flame.

When you dated your wife, no doubt you spent lots of time learning about her. What music did she listen to? What movies did she like? What hobbies did she enjoy? You’d do things you didn’t care about because they mattered to her…because she mattered to you. Those things fanned the flames of love early on, and they can do it again. Get interested in your wife. Learn her favorite artists and make her a playlist to listen to as she heads to work. Find out what play she’s interested in and take her out for an evening at the theater. Spend a Saturday learning a hobby she’s curious about, and share it with her.

Pursue what she cares about because you care about her, and watch how the flame of love grows.

2. Plan your pursuit.

If you’re like me, most of your spare attention goes to planning your kids’ activities. Spare money goes to travel soccer or dance class. I’m typically so busy thinking through the details of managing a home and family that very little time and energy goes into thinking about how to romance my wife. But pursuit takes planning. The key to pursuing your wife is living with intention. Start with asking her out on a date. Find a great spot that makes her wonder what you spent on it. Get a night away. Or better, get two. Make dinner for her. Bring home flowers. Get tickets for that band you know she loves even though you couldn’t care less. Pay a babysitter to take the kids and then just drive her to a field and take a walk.

You know your wife. You wooed her once. Plan your pursuit again.

3. “Catch” her at the end of the day.

Look, evenings can be exhausting. There are dishes to do, laundry to fold, or a game you’ve been waiting to watch. And you’re tired. It’s easy for you and your wife to become simply two people who live together, but never hang out. You’re married, but you’re not “with” each other. It’s up to you to “catch” her at the end of each day. Share a funny story, ask her a question, or just take five minutes to snuggle on the couch. If you’re traveling for work, jump on the phone for a video call before you turn in for the night.

The point isn’t that every day needs to end on a romantic note. It’s that you want to remind her that even at the last hour, she’s your first priority.

4. Don’t fight to conquer, fight to connect.

As we’ve discussed, you and your wife are different people. Inevitably, this means you will disagree. For some of us, depending on our personalities, that may happen multiple times a day. But disagreement doesn’t need to push you away from one another. Done well, it can pull you closer. One secret to pursuing your wife is choosing to fight not to conquer, but to connect. Don’t prize getting the win, but rather winning her. You need to attack what’s keeping you from intimacy and alignment.

In the end, you want her to feel loved, not unwanted.

5. Make the first move.

Look, it’s natural to want to be pursued. You want your wife to want you. You also don’t want to be taken advantage of. Also, you’re tired. All of these things can, frankly, make us lazy. We’re tired of initiating. We want her to go first. The thing is, the nature of going first means that only one person can do it. Be the first: the first to apologize, to suggest a date night, to ask about her day, to grab her hand. The foundation for pursuing your wife is movement. “Pursuit” implies movement toward a goal or, in this case, a person.

Go first in pursuing your wife. Not only does this make your wife feel valued, but in choosing to pursue her, you are teaching yourself to prioritize her over other things. We often think that our emotions determine our actions, but often it’s the opposite. By choosing to think about, plan for, and pursue your wife, you are training yourself to prioritize her. Go first.

Sound off: What are other ways to prioritize pursuing your wife?

The post Are You Still Choosing Your Wife? appeared first on All Pro Dad.

At the same time, I know the frustration of spending more money than I should only to see my kids’ excitement fade after 30 minutes and boredom set in. I’ve heard the question, “What else did you get me?” immediately after opening what I thought was sure to be the best gift ever. And I’ve sat in a room filled with wrapping paper and cardboard boxes after a whirlwind 15 minutes, wondering, “Was that it?” The truth is, often our Christmas celebrations are simply obligatory shopping sprees rather than meaningful moments. And yet we mostly hate the former and long for the latter. So how can we shift from the meaningless to the meaningful? If you’re looking to make Christmas morning special, here are 5 practices that have transformed Christmas for our family.

1. Build in other traditions.

What do your kids think of when they think of Christmas morning? Is it entirely about gifts? What if you build in other traditions that are just as central? For example, our family always chooses a special breakfast that is easy, but we all look forward to. It could be cinnamon buns, fruit, or donuts. It needs to be simple, but enjoyable. We also make a point to read the Christmas story together on Christmas morning before a single gift is touched. It’s not easy to hold off on other things, but after years of doing it, it’s expected.

We deliver Christmas cookies to our friends and neighbors after all the festivities have died down. It’s short. We don’t really stop and talk. But it creates a rhythm of blessing others in small ways so that the focus isn’t only on what you’re getting.

2. Set a limit on gifts.

As we’ve thought about how to make Christmas morning special, we’ve found it necessary to rein in our own tendency to just buy stuff for our kids. When our kids were young, my wife had the idea of only giving three gifts to each child. She’d heard of other parents using the idea from the story in Matthew’s Gospel in which Magi from the East brought three gifts for the baby Jesus: gold, frankincense, and myrrh.

While we certainly don’t see that story as intending to be instructive, the imagery provided a framework for keeping gift buying under control. We maintained this tradition throughout the years our kids were home. Sometimes, this was very difficult. And if I’m honest, we’d fudge it at times (stockings didn’t count, so we might throw a gift in there), but regardless, it forced us to be intentional, creative, and thoughtful. And it taught our kids to expect three gifts, which helped moderate expectations and rein in spending.

3. Have them buy each other (and you) gifts.

When our kids were young, we began the tradition of giving them a budget (funded by us, of course) for buying their siblings’ gifts. We had four kids, so rather than having each of them buy for everyone, we’d do a name exchange. Part of the fun was going out with Mom or Dad to shop. As they got older and started working, we switched to having them spend their own money. We kept the cost reasonable (never more than $20). The key wasn’t buying something big, but getting something unique that showed you thought about them. And there was always the fun of discovering who had you this year! Eventually we encouraged them to think about getting something small for their parents. Not because we wanted anything, but because we wanted them to think together about how they could express their appreciation.

These practices helped shift the focus, at least a little, to “What can I get for others?” rather than what can others get for me. It also expanded ownership from Christmas being something the parents pull off for the kids to something we all do for each other.

4. Serve others together.

Many people, when thinking about how to make Christmas morning special, include acts of service with their family. This might sound crazy. After all, how do you fit in something like that in a day that’s often full of activity (not to mention the football and basketball games)? And yet, passing out on the sofa while the Packers and the Bears play isn’t really the core memory we’re all looking to build with our kids.

Serving at a soup kitchen, caroling at a nursing home, or identifying a family in need that you can take a meal to or provide gifts for can all be really great ways to build serving others into your holiday traditions. And as you serve together, not only do you legitimately help people, you also broaden your kids’ perspectives, build core memories together, and give them something to look forward to that isn’t about themselves.

5. Make generosity central.

A few of these practices certainly move us toward being more generous. But as my wife and I have thought about how to make Christmas morning special, we’ve felt it was important to be as explicit as possible. When our kids were preteens, we started the practice of setting aside a portion of money that we would decide as a family how to spend. Then we would celebrate together as part of our Christmas morning rhythm. One example is World Vision’s gift-giving guide. They let you purchase a chicken, a goat, or another item for someone in a developing country. They also provide an explanation of how that purchase benefits them. We would decide as a family which one to purchase, then talk about the impact as our final Christmas morning activity.

Other times we would give a gift to an organization that our family cared about, in our family’s name, and share it with our kids as a surprise “gift” that someone would open and read to everyone. These simple practices became opportunities to celebrate generosity to those in need as much as giving gifts to one another. They also became a favorite part of our Christmas traditions.

Sound off: How have you worked to make Christmas morning special for your kids?

The post Making Christmas Morning Count appeared first on All Pro Dad.

There’s a lot we can miss when we’re staring at our phones. One study suggests that the mere presence of our phones can cause something called “brain drain,” which means we have less ability to hold and process information in each moment. As much as I want to say this is just a kid thing, the truth is that sometimes my brain gets drained just as easily as theirs do. Here are 5 things parents distracted by phones don’t realize they’re missing.

1. Living the Experience

I was recently at a concert, and the person in front of me was so caught up with trying to catch all the best moments on his phone, it seemed he watched the whole show through his phone screen. You see this all the time: at sporting events, airshows, kids’ concerts, piano recitals, ballet performances, and so on. The Atlantic’s contributing writer Russell Shaw says that this habit of filming these moments of our kids lives risks “forfeiting an opportunity to really connect with our children.” When your kids search you out in the audience and see you staring at a phone screen, they aren’t seeing the pride you feel.

Be careful about trying to record every key moment in your kids’ lives: Sometimes it might be better to just snap a picture, put the phone away, and to live the experience with them.

2. Doing Our Best Work

Parents rightly worry about the effect screens have on our kids. When my kids sit down to do their homework, they often have the phone right there and are listening to music and answering messages as they go. I wonder how that constant distraction impacts the work they do. One study suggests that it can be disastrous for their concentration. You could ask the same question of adults: If we’re answering text messages or checking Facebook while at work, are we doing our best work, and are our bosses getting the best out of us?

Take advantage of the “work” mode in your phone settings that will mute unnecessary notifications and help you to give your best to your boss.

3. Important Conversations

Each of my kids responds to adversity differently. If my daughter has a fight with one of her friends, she will explain in great detail everything that happened, what she felt, who else was around, and what the other kid might have been wearing. On the other hand, one of my sons struggles to put how he feels into words. He could have the same fight with one of his friends and would go days without saying a word to us about it. Your kids need you to keep an eye out for changes in body language and behavior.

Make sure that when you get home from work, or your kids are coming through the front door, your phone is down and you’re paying attention to them. You may notice changes in their body language, attitudes, or other cues that will let you know something is wrong.

4. Moments We Will Never Get Back

In the same way as I missed my chance to meet Kevin Lowe, parents distracted by phones risk missing key moments in their lives. While at the playground, you might be answering an email when your daughter goes across the monkey bars for the first time. After supper, you might find yourself on the couch answering emails when your son wants to go outside and shoot hoops. Parents who’ve been at it for a while like to remind younger parents to savor the moment because kids grow up quickly.

We need to be very careful that we don’t miss key moments with them because we’re staring at a screen. If you need to be on your phone, regularly look up and see what your kids are up to.

5. Modeling Healthy Phone Use

Phubbing (phone snubbing) happens when someone snubs someone else in a social setting, focusing instead on a screen. It’s uncomfortable when a kid does it to us, but when we do it to them, it has a deeper impact. Psychology Today says that when parents are on their phones and ignore their children, kids can feel like they don’t matter. It can also lead to decreased emotional well-being and even anxiety and depression. Give your kids a better example of how to use the phone.

When your child comes to talk to you, stop looking at your phone and give them your attention. Avoid stealing glances at your screen mid-conversation because it just buzzed at you. Teach your kids that no matter what’s happening on that screen, they are much more important.

Sound off: What other things do parents distracted by phones miss out on?

The post 5 Things We’re Missing When We’re Distracted by Our Phones appeared first on All Pro Dad.

One of my dad heroes coached his kids in almost everything, and somewhere along the way I’d made that the bar for being a good dad. Coaching your kids’ teams can be a great dad move, but it’s not the only one, and for me it turned out to be the wrong bar. Nobody handed me that bar, and I doubt anyone handed you the one you’re measuring yourself against either. Most of it boils down to one question underneath the others: Am I enough as a dad? Here are 5 questions every dad secretly asks himself.

1. Am I providing enough for my family?

This one’s sneaky. Dads are showing up for their kids emotionally and relationally more than the generation before us, and in this crazy world, that’s good crazy. But here’s the catch: A 2025 Washington University study confirmed that earnings and long hours still shape how fathers grade themselves. Fair enough. We all have to eat and live indoors, so the paycheck matters. But if you’re asking yourself if you’re enough as a dad because you can’t take an expensive vacation, sign your kids up for club sports, or keep them wearing the right logos, breathe. Your kids won’t remember most of that stuff. But they will remember a dad who came home every night for dinner.

2. Am I teaching them the right things?

Every dad feels the pressure to raise a kid who will grow up to be an incredible adult. So you replay conversations in the car, wondering if you said too much or not enough. Did you handle that lie the right way? Did you overreact to a C on the math test? Did you underreact to a bad attitude? Am I teaching my kids the same values as that dad? No wait, that dad? Trying to instill all the right things in the exact right way is guilt-inducing madness. So let’s stop. Choose 2-3 things you want to instill in your kid. Maybe it’s honesty, or work ethic, or just being kind to people who can’t do anything for you. Then consistently, imperfectly, try to teach those values by modeling them, and admitting when you don’t. That impacts them more than you both know.

3. Am I showing up right for their sports and activities?

As I said earlier, this is the one that got me. Pew Research found that 63 percent of dads say they spend too little time with their kids, so if you’re carrying some version of this same math, you’ve got company. Showing up looks different for every dad and every family. Some dads coach. Some dads cheer from the broken folding chair. Some dads are just trying to make it to one more game this season. Whatever your version looks like, your kid probably notices it more than you think.

4. Am I disciplining them in the right way?

Too strict, not strict enough, too involved, not involved enough. You raise your voice once and wonder if you’re a mean dad. You let something go and wonder if you’re going soft. Some nights you crack down on a mess like it’s a felony; other nights you let the same thing go without blinking, and you can’t always predict which version of you is going to show up. That gap between how you wanted to show up and how you did is when worrying whether you’re enough as a dad turns into dad guilt, fast. Your kids don’t need you to become the perfect disciplinarian. They need a dad who’s paying attention, willing to change, and willing to say, “I’m sorry,” when he’s wrong.

5. Will they want a relationship with me when they’re grown?

Here’s the frustrating thing about that question: You can’t answer it. Not today. Maybe not for another decade or two. You’re trying to predict a relationship that hasn’t happened yet. Here’s the truth: You don’t know yet, and neither do I. But tomorrow morning you and I get another shot at it.

The one question that actually matters: Was I present today?

Trade those five questions every dad secretly asks for one you can actually answer. It’s not asking you to grade your whole life as a father. It’s asking about today. One conversation. One game. One bedtime. There are plenty of ways to know you’re doing a good job day to day, but this question covers most of them at once. Answer it honestly and consistently, and the other five start taking care of themselves, one ordinary day at a time.

And if no one’s told you lately, you’re doing better than you think. You are more than enough.

Sound off: What’s one small way you’ve shown up for your kids this week that you’re proud of?

The post 5 Questions Every Dad Secretly Asks Himself appeared first on All Pro Dad.

That’s one of the reasons December can be so full of tension for couples. So often wives end up doing all things Christmas while the rest of her family just has to show up for it. Nobody notices until they do. Avoiding fights with your wife at Christmas starts with answers that come from questions asked long before the 24th. It starts with us showing up together to face a season that seems to be designed to take us out. It starts with how we divide the season, not just the day. Here are 5 ways to avoid fighting with your wife at Christmas.

1. Plan Christmas together instead of asking how you can help.

“How can I help?” on December 24th isn’t helpful. It’s a good way to find yourself kicked out of the house. The right play is to ask weeks earlier while you still both have a little joy. Sit down and actually divide the list—who’s buying whose gifts, who’s handling whose in-laws—before you end up feeling like roommates splitting chores instead of a couple. Many of us guys never try the divide-and-conquer method until the 23rd rolls around. And that is too late, no matter whose watch you’re wearing. Ask early. Work the plan. It’s exactly how to avoid fighting with your wife at Christmas.

2. Be nicer and more fun than you feel like being.

December asks a lot, and patience can run thin by day three. Am I asking you to fake happy? A little, and your wife might appreciate it if you do. Dig a little deeper for patience and play than you really have left. Your wife can tell the difference between a husband who’s checked out and one who’s tired but still trying. Grumpy dads suck the life out of the room, while fun dads give it. You’re the boss of your mood. Pick one you want your wife and kids to remember.

3. Create mini-dates instead of adding one more thing to the calendar.

December calendars fill up fast: work parties, school programs, family functions. Time as a couple? That’s funny. Maybe don’t worry about date night and create anytime mini-dates instead. If possible, put the kids in the other room, and tell them you need 15-30 minutes to create a surprise for them. Make cookies, just the two of you. Put up outdoor lights, just the two of you. Wrap one early present, just the two of you. Then do a grand reveal. Those few minutes can do more for your marriage than another big plan you probably can’t pull off anyway.

4. Say the number before the fight happens.

Money fights spike in December, and most of them aren’t really about money; they’re about expectations. Agree on a number for gifts and how many things you’re saying yes to this season. Deciding early is one of the best ways to avoid fighting with your wife at Christmas because you’re planning now instead of struggling later. All Pro Dad has a good rundown of other arguments worth heading off early, and money tops the list for a reason.

5. Don’t be a killjoy. Get excited about what excites her.

If she loves a real tree, pictures in matching pajamas, or watching It’s a Wonderful Life for the 100th time, get excited with her instead of acting like the Grinch. It costs you nothing to smile through the tenth rewatch, and it tells her a lot. Half of avoiding fights with your wife at Christmas is this: Be the guy who loves watching his wife love what she loves.

Sound off: What’s one thing you and your wife do together every December that actually works?

The post How to Avoid Fighting With Your Wife at Christmas appeared first on All Pro Dad.