Well, a few years ago, my wife and I took another stab at this parenting thing. It’s not exactly a do-over; our biological kids are in their 20s, and there’s no going back and changing their experience of us as their parents. However, with our two adopted sons, we are having the opportunity to look back on what we’ve learned over twenty-plus years of parenting and ask, “What would we change?” In that vein, here are 5 things we’re embracing in our parenting “do-over.”

1. Live at the library.

There are myriad benefits to reading to your children, including increased literacy, empathy, and even parental bonding. But why go to the library? Your local library offers tons of free resources to help grow a love of reading, and it can also foster a deeper connection to your local community. Regular events, seminars, and often remarkable staff love having your kids there (Newsflash: Librarians aren’t in it for the money). By frequenting your local library, you’re both expanding your kids’ world and strengthening their local connections.

2. Stay close to “family.”

When we were first married, living close to family wasn’t on my radar. Work determined where we lived. However, this left us feeling disconnected and, at times, isolated. This time around, we live close to my wife’s family. We frequent the restaurant her sister owns and regularly spend time on their family farm. Our young children have a deep sense of rootedness in relationship to many people who love them deeply, not just their mother and me. While not everyone can choose to live close to biological family, we can all work to build extended family through friends, church communities, and neighbors. One of the keys to being a good parent is knowing you need a network.

3. Say “no” to doing too much.

When my son became an adult, we were chatting, and he said, “Dad, I’ve been talking with my therapist about taking better care of myself. You and Mom didn’t set a very good example in that area.” After fighting back the initial defensiveness, I had to admit he was right. We had a habit of making ourselves way too busy. Whether it was work, family, church, or neighbors, we always said “yes.” Everyone liked us for it, but we were exhausted and our kids often just got dragged along. It turns out, we weren’t just passing on bad habits, but destructive ones. My son helped me to realize that, to be a good parent, I had to learn to say no, even to good things.

4. Give myself (and my wife) grace.

When we first had kids, we had pretty high standards. In fact, we expected to be perfect. I mean, we didn’t literally think we’d never make a mistake, but we certainly acted like it. We read the parenting books, took the classes, judged other parents, and stressed about every choice for our kids, from what they ate to who they played with. We also fought a lot about those choices. Looking back on those years, it’s clear that despite our best efforts, we made lots of mistakes, and yet our kids turned out pretty great. This has led us to believe that learning to be a good parent is, at least in part, about learning to surrender a false sense of control. It doesn’t mean we care less about parenting well this time around. We’re just a lot easier on ourselves and others.

5. Take ownership of their spiritual formation.

Early on, I largely outsourced my kids’ spiritual development. Because most of mine growing up came through formalized church programming, I assumed the same would be true for my kids. We certainly discussed spiritual things at home, but it was kind of a side quest. I expected others would handle that (even as I pastored a church). My primary concern was more about how my children acted toward us and others. But over the years, it became clear that simply hoping others would pick up the mantle and run with it was foolish. It created a much shallower faith experience for my kids than I wish they would’ve had. Unfortunately, Barna’s research suggests this attitude is pretty typical.

However, this time around, we’re taking ownership. We’re taking the Apostle Paul seriously when he tells fathers to “bring them [children] up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). The ones primarily responsible for my children’s spiritual formation aren’t their Sunday school teacher, youth leader, or small group leader. It’s us. It’s our responsibility to train up our children in the way they should go (Proverbs 22:6). My wife and I are more committed than ever to making our kids’ spiritual formation a core focus of our parenting efforts through daily conversations, the books we read, praying with them, and, yes, church attendance. Of course, it doesn’t guarantee anything. But it places the responsibility where it belongs.

Sound off: What would you like to change about your current parenting strategy? What’s keeping you from that change?

The post What We’re Embracing in Our Parenting “Do-Over” appeared first on All Pro Dad.

We’ve all heard the phrase “taking it out on your wife,” but most of us never stop to ask what “it” actually is. It’s the frustration, insecurity, and fear we don’t want to carry, so we take it out on our wife instead. Funny enough, our boss can make us just as angry, but somehow we tap into a reserve of self-control because our job is on the line. At home, nothing seems to hang in the balance, so we let it go. But there is so much that hangs in the balance. She stops feeling safe. And our kids are watching how a man treats a woman. That’s the thing about managing anger in marriage: It isn’t optional; it’s essential. Here are 7 ways to stop taking it out on your wife and start managing anger in marriage before it costs you something you can’t get back.

1. Use the reserve you already have.

We have self-control. We use it every day with a coworker who annoys us, a customer who’s rude, a coach who makes a bad call… OK, maybe not that one. But that reserve is real; we just haven’t been tapping into it at home. We can control ourselves around our wives exactly like we control ourselves around everyone else. The difference isn’t ability. We lose our tempers with her because we can. And because we can is the very reason we shouldn’t.

2. Ask where the “it” is really coming from.

Anger is rarely about who forgot to run the dishwasher or the comment she made in front of your friends. Pay attention to when your reaction is way bigger than the moment. Before you react, get curious about what’s underneath. Are you tired? Stressed about money? Feeling disrespected somewhere else and taking it out on her because you can? Managing anger in marriage starts with getting honest about who or what is actually setting you off.

3. Ask who taught you that was OK.

Whoever taught us to raise our voice, shut down, or say cutting things when we’re upset—whether it was our dad, a coach, or just years of watching men handle conflict badly—it wasn’t OK then, and it’s not OK now. We don’t have to keep passing it down. We get to decide it stops with us. Our kids are watching how we handle anger right now, and they’ll either repeat it or unlearn it because of what they saw in us.

4. Choose a good boyfriend response.

Think back to how you treated your wife when you were dating. You were patient. You gave her the benefit of the doubt. You didn’t want her to see your worst side. That guy is still in there. When you feel the heat rising, ask yourself what a good boyfriend would say right now, and say that instead.

5. Be ridiculously forgiving.

Not because she doesn’t mess up; she does, we all do, but because ridiculous forgiveness changes the temperature of a home. When we let go of small offenses quickly and generously, we’re not being weak. We’re building a marriage where both of us can be imperfect without fear. To be clear, this is about the small stuff: tone, snapping, short fuses. If what you’re dealing with is bigger than that, forgiveness might only be part of the answer, and getting professional help is a must.

6. Don’t make small deals big deals.

We have a saying at our house: We know tragedy, and this is not it. A wrong turn, a forgotten errand, someone eating the last of the good snacks—these things feel bigger in the moment than they actually are. Before you escalate, ask yourself honestly where this ranks on the scale of things that actually matter. Most of the time it barely registers.

7. Take a breath.

A pause is powerful, and it’s not just a feeling; it’s backed by research. A single session of deep, slow breathing has been shown to slow your heart rate, relax the body, and reduce anxiety. This is the same nervous system response that helps calm anger in the moment. A few breaths give us a few moments to check back in with the husband we want to be. It’s a small habit, but it may be the single most effective tool in managing anger in marriage because it interrupts the reaction long enough for you to choose love.

We will mess up. All of us will mess up. None of us handle this perfectly. But every time we catch ourselves before the words come out, or apologize quickly after they do, we’re building something. We’re showing our wives, and our kids, that anger doesn’t get the final say in our homes. Try. Try. Try again. That’s us learning to love our wives today, better than we did yesterday.

Sound off: Where does your anger tend to show up most: in what you say, how loud you get, or how long you stay cold afterward?

The post 7 Ways to Stop Taking It Out on Your Wife appeared first on All Pro Dad.

But somewhere along the way there’s a natural slow fade for most kids. Kids want their friends, their space, their independence. And honestly, a little more downtime sounds pretty good to dads too. But staying engaged as they get older matters more than ever; we just have to adjust how we do it. Here are 6 ways to stay close to your kids as they get older.

1. Do what they like to do.

The football-in-the-yard stage doesn’t last forever, and that’s OK. If your kid shifts to gaming, gets into painting, or they suddenly care a lot about pickleball, show up there instead. I’ve sat and listened to my kids explain a Minecraft world they built with more genuine interest than I actually had. Because the point was never really the blocks; it was them wanting to show me something they were proud of. My daughter went through a Harry Styles phase. Taking my wife’s lead, we had a Harry Styles-themed birthday party for her. Lord, help me. But I didn’t have to love it. You just have to show interest in what they love because that interest is a door to spend time together. It just looks different than it used to.

2. Take them with you.

Errands, work trips, grabbing coffee, mowing the lawn. These ordinary tasks turn into real conversations when it’s just the two of you in a truck or a driveway with nothing else competing for attention. Kids talk more in the side-by-side moments than in the sit-down, look-me-in-the-eye ones. Staying close to your kids as they get older often happens in these unscheduled, low-pressure pockets of time more than in the big planned moments. My wife once told me I treated our kids like puppies, taking them everywhere I would go. Lowe’s and Home Depot employees should have known my puppies by name. My kids are young adults now. I’m so glad I took them everywhere I went. Now sometimes, they take me.

3. Make mealtime a priority.

Ask high and low. What was the high of your day? What was your low? It’s a simple question, but it kept us connected for years, through elementary school, middle school, and into the years when one-word answers became the norm. If high-low has gone stale, change the question, not the habit. Try “What made you laugh today?” or “What’s something you didn’t expect?” The words matter less than the rhythm. Your kids know this is a moment when you’re going to ask, and they’re going to answer, even if the answer is short. If you’re wondering how to stay connected to your child without making it a big production, this is it: one small question, asked consistently.

4. Family vacations matter more as they get older, not less.

Vacations are another piece of how to stay connected to your child, and they matter more as they get older, not less. It’s tempting to think vacations matter most when they’re little, before they’d rather be with friends. But the opposite is true. Once they hit the busy years with sports, jobs, and friends, a few days away together becomes one of the only stretches of uninterrupted time you’ll get all year. Protect it. Don’t let it become the first thing that gets cut when schedules get tight. We’ve done Hilton Head Island every year since before our kids could pronounce it. That is still the place they want to go every year. It’s good memories on top of other good memories. I’m so thankful they love those memories and still want more of them.

5. Let them choose what is fun.

I’ve always been the fun planner at our house. I used to rack my brain thinking of something amazing to do. Then one day, I got crazy and just asked them what they wanted to do. I’ve been doing that ever since, partly because what they come up with is usually simpler and cheaper than what I was planning. You might be dreaming up an elaborate day trip while they just want to stay up late watching a movie and eat cereal for dinner. Let them lead sometimes. Handing them the plan is one of the simplest answers to how to stay connected to your child. Kids open up more when they feel like the plan is theirs too, not just something you scheduled for them.

6. Keep trying to connect even when they push back.

There will be seasons when your attempts get met with eye rolls, short answers, or a closed bedroom door. Keep trying anyway. Staying close to your kids as they get older isn’t about getting it right every time; it’s about them knowing you never stopped trying, even when they made it hard.

I still think about that day in the yard with my sons. They’re older now, taller than me, busier, harder to pin down for time together. Time together shows up at restaurants, watching a game, calling me on their way home from work or school. That’s really how to stay connected to your child once they’re older; it stops looking like effort and starts looking like life. But it shows up, and I’m so grateful.

Sound off: What’s your best tip for staying close to your kids as they get older?

The post 6 Ways to Stay Close to Your Kids as They Get Older appeared first on All Pro Dad.

Later that night, I was thinking about the fact that our family had never faced a problem like this before. There’d been rainstorms in the past, but none that had put such relentless pressure on the water table around our house. And that’s a lot like the world my son is growing up in right now. Teens face many issues today that we didn’t have to deal with. As a dad, you’re probably already keeping an eye on things like peer pressure, screen time, drugs, alcohol, and pornography. But those aren’t the only dangers flooding our teens’ lives. There are many other things that could negatively influence our kids. Here are 5 new teen issues facing our kids today.

1. Overexposure

The dislike for a former Canadian prime minister was so strong that people had bumper stickers with the F-word followed by his name. You’d see these on cars, trucks, and minivans, parked outside of grocery stores, schools, and even churches. That lack of discretion bleeds over to the lewd imagery and song lyrics that fill our kids’ world. Teenagers are being asked to grow up quickly, and we can’t shield them from it. What we can do instead is use these moments to start a conversation. This could mean asking them what they think about a profane sign or talking about why it is important to look way during a racy scene in a show (or skip it entirely).

2. Living in the Age of Real-Time Information

Twenty-first-century technology has placed so much at our fingertips. The internet gives us access to the libraries of entire civilizations, and we don’t have to wait for the sports section tomorrow to see the stats and scores from our favorite teams. But that real-time information brings pressure with it as well. Kids don’t want to be far from their phones (day or night) because of what they might miss in a group chat or from a friend. And the instant feedback of a digital reporting system means my kid might see the mark he got on a test right before he goes to bed. If he gets a bad grade, his anxiety could go through the roof, and he could get a bad night’s sleep.

Teens certainly need us to help them navigate the things they’re seeing and hearing online. But they also need us to help them learn the best way to use the online tools they have. Having screen-free places such as the dinner table and bedtime can be a good place to start. This will help your teen learn to delay gratification: They don’t need to see every post and every update immediately.

3. How Video Games Have Changed

One of the more serious teen issues today is video games. I’m not just talking about content, but the very way they are now being designed. Tech developers have learned more about how the human brain works and have turned phones into dopamine slot machines. Every time the phone buzzes with a new notification, your brain wants to know what the reward is: a like, a message, or an exciting video?

Games are now being designed the same way. By logging in daily or completing certain challenges, you get visible rewards, setting off that pleasure center in the brain. To combat this, your kids need you to set guardrails for them around video games. One strategy might be to say that games belong on a console and then don’t allow them on cell phones or computers. This way, if someone is going to choose to play a game, it’s a deliberate choice rather than an easy opportunity when they’re bored.

4. The Pressure to Look Perfect

Whether it was the first day of school or a youth group dance, there are certain moments I remember working hard to make sure I looked my best. I’d brush my teeth, shower, put gel in my hair, apply deodorant (twice), and wear the nicest clothes I could find. I didn’t want to be the one who stood out as a slob. But the repercussions of a poorly planned outfit are a lot worse for today’s teens than those few snickers we might’ve endured as kids. Thanks to social media and the fact that nearly every teen has a phone in their pocket, a bad hair day could be captured on someone’s screen and posted for all to see—forever.

Because of that, many teens feel the pressure to look perfect every day. They check and recheck not only their appearance before heading off to school, but also their selfies before uploading a post. And when they’re out and about, they never want to be the one in the background of someone else’s post looking sloppy or messy. But our kids need to understand that there’s more to being human than one’s outward appearance. A teen’s character—how they treat others and how honest or responsible they are—is more important. I’m not saying they shouldn’t take care of their appearance; that’s important too. But it’s more than that. We need to help our teenagers understand that their worth is more than how they look in the mirror (or in a selfie).

5. Violence at School

One of the results of the increase in school shootings over the last few decades is that my kids’ school practices lockdown drills regularly. This probably isn’t something you grew up with. Today, our kids have to prepare for active shooters, and for some, the possibility that it could happen feels very real—and frightening. While some teens may be numb to lockdown drills because school shootings seem to happen so often, others see violence at school as one of the scariest teen issues today.

Whether your teenager is afraid or indifferent, be sure to check in with them. Ask about their days. Get a pulse on whether there’s any tension beneath the surface about school violence. They may not look outwardly nervous, but may think about school shootings and not know how to bring it up with you. Talking about what’s happening in our nation’s schools, and how it’s probably scary for you both, might make it easier for your teen to open up. You can also discuss the ways in which you, the school, and your community are trying to keep them safe. The thing is, our kids are growing up in a different world with different, and sometimes scarier, teen issues. Being there for your kids will help make being a teen in today’s world a lot easier.

Sound off: What are other teen issues facing teens today?

The post 5 Issues Facing Teens Today appeared first on All Pro Dad.

Most of us have a moment like that. We hear a disrespectful child and want to fix it fast, loud, and right now. There was even a viral prank trend a while back of kids saying something rude to their mom just to catch dad’s reaction, and honestly, I loved seeing dads pay attention and protect their wives like that. But knowing how to deal with a disrespectful child requires more than an immediate, uninformed reaction. Yes, it’s about the blowups, but even more, it’s about what you build on the ordinary days before them. Here are 5 ways to teach your kids to respect their mom.

1. Step into the room to understand and support, not take over.

When you hear disrespect, your first move sets the tone for everything after it. Walking in loud and taking charge might feel protective, but it often skips right past the person you’re trying to protect. Ask what happened before you decide what happened. Your wife doesn’t need a bodyguard. She needs a partner who’s actually listening to her first. That doesn’t mean staying silent; it means making sure your response actually matches what happened, instead of matching how angry you feel in the moment. Your kids are watching closely, and they can tell the difference between protecting her or your point.

2. Talk highly about your wife in front of your kids when she’s present.

Kids are always watching how you talk about their mom, even in the small, ordinary moments. Compliment her, thank her, laugh at something she said—all of it teaches your kids what value looks like. If they see you treat her like she matters, disrespecting her starts to feel out of step with how she is to be treated. You’re not performing for the kids; you’re just being consistent, and that’s what actually sinks in.

3. Talk well about your wife to your kids when she’s not around.

How you talk about her when she’s not in the room reveals what you actually think of her, and kids pick up on that faster than you’d guess. If your default is complaining about her to the kids, even jokingly, you’re quietly giving them permission to do the same thing to her face. Kids don’t need you to pretend your marriage is perfect; they just need to see that your default posture toward their mom is honor, not criticism. They don’t need a perfect dad or a perfect marriage. They need to see you choose respect even on the days it isn’t easy.

4. Model listening to your wife’s opinions, plans, and ideas.

If you interrupt her, dismiss her plans, or roll your eyes at her ideas, your kids will learn that’s an option. This one’s uncomfortable to admit, but if you’ve ever caught yourself talking over her, your kids caught it too. If you listen, ask her opinion and actually take it, they’ll learn that’s the standard instead. Dealing with a disrespectful child often starts with dealing with your own habits first, since kids rarely respect what they’ve watched you dismiss.

5. Teach your kids what respect looks like during a calm moment.

Not in the middle of a blowup. Not right after one either. Emotions are still too hot for anyone to hear the lesson. Wait for a regular afternoon, a car ride, or a walk, and talk about what respect actually sounds like in your house. Kids remember lessons taught with patience and calmness a lot longer than lectures delivered in anger. And a calm conversation gives them room to actually ask questions instead of just nodding until you stop talking. That’s the whole goal here: not a kid who’s scared of your reaction, but one who actually understands why respect matters.

I still catch myself wanting to walk in with the tough-guy line sometimes. Old habits like that don’t disappear overnight. But I’ve learned that knowing how to deal with a disrespectful child has less to do with the sharp comeback in the moment. It has everything to do with what your kids have already absorbed about how you treat their mom on an ordinary day when nobody’s watching.

Sound off: What have you noticed your kids picking up from the way you talk about, or to, their mom?

The post 5 Ways to Teach Your Kids to Respect Their Mom appeared first on All Pro Dad.

A few months in, she is still on board with chasing this profession. That could change, of course. Plenty of kids switch career paths, and I know these lessons could wind up being a very expensive hobby. But I’m OK with that because she’s gaining so much more than just how to steer an aircraft. She’s seeing the world from a different vantage point, and that’s something everyone should try. Seeing things from other perspectives builds character and is one way parents can teach empathy to kids. Your daughter or son may never handle the controls of a plane, but we can teach them how to see things from another’s point of view. Here are 5 decisions that help kids find a fresh perspective.

1. Reading More

My oldest child is an avid reader. She has more than 150 books in her personal collection and often lends out her favorites. Many of the stories are set in faraway places and in different cultures—from Native American to Japanese communities and more. One book in particular, The Sign of the Beaver, opened her eyes to what can happen when we embrace new perspectives. It tells the story of a teenage white settler who learns an entirely different culture after befriending an Indian boy in the harsh wilderness of Maine. She found similar culture benefits from reading I Rode A Horse of Milk White Jade, which is set in Mongolia, The Kite Fighters, set in Korea, and The Master Puppeteer, set in Japan.

When kids read books, they are transported somewhere else. One passage from The Kite Fighters illustrates this well. Linda Sue Park wrote, “Kee-sup had been given the kite as a birthday present several days before, as part of the New Year celebration. The New Year was everyone’s birthday. It didn’t matter on which date you were born; you added a year to your age at the New Year holiday.” That tradition would be a revelation to a kid like my daughter who didn’t grow up in Korea. Park’s writing introduced her to a new culture and perspective. It’s also a good way to teach empathy to kids. Hopefully, reading gives them respect for other people and provides a gateway to discovery.

2. Leaving Your Comfort Zone

It’s much easier to excel at what you know than struggle in what you don’t. Getting straight A’s in easy classes probably feels better than fighting to make C’s in advanced courses. Left on their own, many kids would opt not to take on challenges. But this is where dads come in. We can help kids see the opportunities that wait just outside of their comfort zones. That’s where growth happens. It’s how kids develop empathy, critical thinking, and resilience. All of that leads them to new perspectives, but they may need a gentle push to get there. We talked about how to do this in Episode 114 of the All Pro Dad podcast.

Getting outside their comfort zone could look like having more responsibility as a team captain, taking a part-time job doing manual labor, or having a potentially contentious conversation with a friend. These activities (among others) will bring new perspectives that kids are unlikely to learn in their comfort zones. It may be scary for them, but ultimately for their good. Encourage your kids to step out in faith.

3. Zooming Out Before You React

I’ve always thought sitting courtside at a basketball game was overrated. And the money? I would never pay $1,500 for those seats. Sure, you’re closer to the action and can hear the players talking to each other, but you just can’t see the game as well. Did he step out of bounds? Was his foot on the three-point line? Down low, it’s hard to tell. But when you sit up higher, your perspective changes. You can see players’ movements, notice plays unfolding, and watch decisions being made. There is less obstruction up high. The game becomes clearer when we zoom out.

The same goes for your kids. If they get so focused on the things right in front of them and fail to zoom out, they may react poorly. I’ve done this with my kids when someone cuts us off in traffic. We have no idea if he’s being a jerk or rushing to the hospital, and I remind the backseat drivers not to jump to conclusions. We can teach empathy to kids by showing them different perspectives. Zooming out helps kids consider every piece of the puzzle.

4. Asking For Others’ Opinions

Your perspective impacts your decision-making. But if you never ask for others’ thoughts, you’ll default to the easiest option. This is problematic because kids have so few experiences to draw from. If they don’t ask for others’ perspectives, they’re stuck choosing from their own small sample size. Asking doesn’t mean agreeing, but not taking the time to consider other viewpoints won’t help you grow or strengthen your own.

There are multiple Proverbs that double down on this idea. Proverbs 15:22 says, “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” Proverbs 12:15 says, “The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice.” Your children’s decision-making benefits from asking others how they should proceed. Others can see things your kids can’t. They’ll have tried and failed, or succeeded, and that’s knowledge your kids will need. Make sure your kids know you are always available for advice. They can come to you seeking wisdom. Encourage your kids to pray before making difficult decisions as well. Consider praying with them too.

5. Looking at Things From God’s Perspective

It’s wise to ask others for help, but it’s even wiser to try and see things through God’s eyes. It’s what the entire book of Job is about. Job was a man whose life was crumbling all around him. He lost his livelihood, along with his children, in a horrible accident, and was struck by painful sores all over his body. But God spoke to him and reassured him. In Job 38:4-7, he asks Job, “Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Tell me, if you know so much. Who determined its dimensions and stretched out the surveying line? What supports its foundations, and who laid its cornerstone as the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?” His entire speech lasts 70 verses. Essentially, God was asking, “Do you know better than I do?”

The answer for all of us is “no.” But that’s a hard lesson to swallow. Our kids need to learn this lesson, but it starts with dads. Have you considered that God’s way may be best? That His perspective is the right one? If he made the world, as he told Job, then maybe his perspective carries a little more weight than the people who live in it. If your kids feel comfortable asking for your perspective, explain to them that a great next step is asking God for His.

Sound off: How can you use different perspectives to teach empathy to kids?

The post 5 Decisions That Help Kids Find a Fresh Perspective appeared first on All Pro Dad.

It didn’t take her long to realize what was going on. She quickly figured out that a 10 meant I thought the meal was great, but an eight meant it was just OK. A six meant I didn’t like it at all. The problem is that she wanted my honest opinion, so not telling her how I really felt made things harder between us. People often say that honesty is the best policy, and that’s certainly true in marriage. Here are 5 times to practice honesty in marriage.

1. Tell her when you’re struggling.

It’s more than just a cliché that men don’t like to talk about their feelings and mental health. A U.K. study found that 40% of men have never spoken to anyone about their mental health and would only do so if they had thoughts of suicide or self-harm. Men do this because of stereotypes, because they are embarrassed, or out of a desire not to burden someone else. The thing is that there are things you can’t carry on your own. That same study found that 77% of men had suffered anxiety, stress, or depression. There’s no one in the world who wants to help you more than your wife does. That’s why she promised to stand by you in the good times and the bad ones too. Don’t be afraid to be open and let her know how things aren’t going right in your head or your heart.

2. Tell her about any women you interact with.

Often, there are women other than our wives, with whom we interact. Most of these connections are no big deal, but some, if we’re not careful, could risk crossing the line into something more. This might be a coworker who flirts with you or someone who sends you a friend request on Facebook. If professional or friendship lines start to get blurry, you need to tell your wife. That might be as simple as “Honey, my old college girlfriend has DM’d me a few times. I haven’t responded with more than a polite hello, but I wanted you to know.” Being absolutely honest with your wife about your interactions with other women not only helps to build trust, but serves as a guardrail to keep you from an emotional affair (or worse).

3. Tell her when you screwed up.

No one likes to admit when they’re wrong, especially if it’s something serious. This is why people will minimize the failure (“It’s not that big a deal”), deny doing it (even when they’re caught red-handed), or project the blame on somebody else. Owning up to what you’ve done is the first and best place to start. Family counselor Dr. Dave Currie says, “Being honest will put you into some deep waters, and there’s going to need to be a long process of healing. But if you want the kind of relationship that’s worth having for a lifetime, ground-level honesty must be part of the foundation that it’s built on.” Similarly, like a doctor who can only treat a problem you tell him about, admitting you screwed up in your marriage provides a starting point to make things better.

4. Tell her about your finances.

Whether you have joint accounts or separate ones, there’s great danger in keeping financial secrets from your wife. One survey found that 1/3 of Canadians had been victims of “financial infidelity,” which includes hiding debt, going bankrupt, or stashing money a spouse doesn’t know about. And just like the other kind of infidelity, keeping financial secrets can break up a marriage. No matter what the arrangements are, let your wife know what’s going on. Talk about the money you’ve got and the money you owe. Let her know if there’s financial trouble on the horizon. This gives you both the chance to be more frugal and share the challenge of making things right. And if she’s clear on money matters when things are good, you making a major purchase is less likely to cause a fight.

5. Tell her the thing your kid is struggling with.

Divide and conquer is a time-honored tactic for various battles in life. If you have more than one kid, chances are you’ve used this as a parenting strategy from time to time. But you have to be careful when a kid turns this around, confiding some struggle or failure to you and then asking you not to tell your wife about it. Unless it’s a gift your kid wants to surprise her with, it’s probably best to make sure your wife knows everything you know. That united front not only keeps your relationship strong, but it also gives you the best chance to take care of your kids.

Sound off: What are other times you should practice honesty in marriage?

The post How to Practice Honesty in Your Marriage appeared first on All Pro Dad.

Our body language communicates something to our children. It can tell them whether we’re tired or disinterested, or on the other hand, if we’re engaged and excited about something. Our kids are very good at picking up on what we’re thinking without us ever uttering a word. It matters because you may be saying the right thing, but your body language can suggest something completely different. Do you realize what you’re communicating? Here are 5 things your body language tells your kids.

1. You’re interested.

I’m 6-foot-5, so I’m physically much bigger than my kids. I have to get down on their level and make eye contact. It’s totally worth it because when you’re on your kids’ level, your communication improves, respect is shared, and trust is built. Do you sit on the edge of your seat when watching them compete? Do you focus on them when they’re speaking? Leaning in encompasses all of that, and that body language conveys how much you care about your kids.

What happens when we lean in?
Our kids know they have the floor. They know we’re interested in whatever they have to say or are trying to do. My kids play lacrosse, and I never want them to look up in the bleachers and see me slouched over during the game. If this isn’t natural for you, think about scooting up in your seat a bit. If you’re tempted to scroll Facebook during games or practice, leave your phone in the car. Make it obvious you care. When we lean in, we miss less.

2. You like them.

Researcher Paul Ekman studied facial expressions for decades. He proposed that there are 18 different kinds of smiles. I propose you need to smile at your kids often. Why? They will know that they make you happy. Smile when they try. Smile when they succeed. Smile around them just because. It conveys something powerful—Dad likes being around me. This is different from love. Being liked is a core need for kids.

What happens when we smile?
This body language says, “I’m so pleased with you.” That’s a big deal for kids who usually seek validation from the people they care about most. You are that person for your kid, so think about smiling more. If you have a serious expression, think about the message you’re sending. Look for reasons to crack a smile. It’s a silent signal that your kids are worth recognizing, that they matter to you, and you get happy just being around them. They will feel seen, cared for, and cherished when you smile at them.

3. You’re available.

You’re a dad, which means you carry a lot on your shoulders. Stress. Bills. Work. There’s a ton there. But it’s important for your kids to see relaxed shoulders. Tense shoulders show you’re tight, worried, and possibly unavailable. Relaxed shoulders tell your kids you’re safe, clear-minded, and present. Don’t slouch, but don’t get tense either.

What happens when we relax our shoulders?
You tell them that you’re ready. Relaxed shoulders are a green light for kids. They know they can come right to you. One of the biggest things dads must communicate to their kids is that you want them around, and relaxed shoulders do that without saying anything. Pair that with a soft voice, and you’ve communicated you’re a safe person. Add that smile I mentioned before, and you’ve become very approachable. The more relaxed you are, the more they will want to be around you. Repeating this body language often is how to connect with your child emotionally.

4. You’re inviting.

This is the opposite of raising them. When our arms are crossed, the people around us know it’s not time to cross us. We look defensive, uncomfortable, or even angry. Quite often, crossed arms are paired with a frown. It’s like your body is holding a giant stop sign that doesn’t invite anyone near us. Your kids know this. They’ll feel emotional distance even if you don’t.

What happens when we uncross our arms?
You say to your kids, “My walls are down.” It’s easy to let the stresses of our jobs, relationships, and family affect us, but when that shows up in our body language, the people around us suffer. Do your best to open up your arms. Let people in. Let your kids know they are more important than your distractions. They will know you’re a safe place to be when your body isn’t clenched.

5. You’re focused.

Presence without attention is almost as bad as not being there at all. Our kids need our focus when they have failed, had their heart broken, or can’t explain how they feel. One of the best gifts we can give them in moments like these is eye contact. Stopping what we’re doing and focusing on what they need matters. They usually aren’t looking for profound words to smooth things out. They want our focus more than our advice. Look them in the eyes and connect.

What happens when we make eye contact?
When we pause long enough to lock eyes with our kids, it tells them we want to engage. That’s a big deal. They’ll feel like the most important person in the world in that moment and know they’re worthy of our attention. This is a great way to connect with your child emotionally. It’s very hard to make eye contact while you’re moving. Pause and be present. Fight the urge to look at your phone.

Sound off: What body language do you use most often with your kids?

The post Dan Orlovsky: 5 Things Your Body Language Tells Your Kids appeared first on All Pro Dad.

If work is similar to Olympic hurdles, life at home can feel more like a muddy obstacle course. There’s no straight line to follow, wild challenges pop up often, and it feels like we’re one misstep away from an injury. Leading at home is hard. On many days, it feels harder than the challenges we face at work. Don’t get discouraged if it feels like you’re failing. It’s hard because it’s important. Here are 5 reasons why home is the hardest place to lead.

1. You can’t fire your children.

If employees are disrespectful, consistently late, or underperforming, you can fire them. If your kids aren’t listening, you don’t just kick them out. You’re a parent forever, no matter what. You must lead with the long-term in mind. Being a leader at home comes with weightier expectations because parenting is a commitment, not a contract. When it’s especially tough because the kids aren’t listening, remember that children are a gift and worth the effort it takes to guide them into maturity.

2. There is no paid or unpaid time off.

Who doesn’t love a nice vacation? The average U.S. worker gets 10–20 paid days off per year. As a husband and father, you’ll get zero. In fact, overtime is required, and you’ll probably work harder on holidays. There are no breaks from leading our homes, but that’s not a bad thing. Our families should get our full attention and effort. Everybody likes breaks. Me-time is good. But, as tough as it is, our families deserve all of us, all the time, physically, emotionally, and mentally.

3. There are no salaries, bonuses, or raises.

Money is a universal motivator. There may be some financial incentive to crushing it at your office, but those bonuses aren’t coming at home. In fact, your family is going to cost a lot of money. Leading at home means providing food, clothing, and more. Don’t get me started on braces. Dads can feel like a walking ATM. It can be frustrating, but fight the urge to stop leading when the payoff isn’t obvious. Embrace those intangible riches like hugs, love notes, and laughs. You become a selfless servant when love is your motivation.

4. There are no awards, accolades, or applause.

If you’re waiting for a pat on the back for assembling those bunk beds or mopping the floor, it may never come. Leading at home requires being internally motivated, knowing there are no trophies for raising successful kids or loving your wife well. It would be great to be recognized for all the hard work you do as a dad or husband, but if you’re only in it for the recognition, then your heart posture is off. Lead at home because your kids need it, and your wife deserves it. Finding satisfaction in knowing you’re putting the needs of your family ahead of your own is the reward.

5. There are daily HR issues.

Parents are constantly trying to hit moving targets. One minute you’re cementing a family budget with your spouse. The next you’re trying not to lose your cool after the kids flushed apples down the toilet. Leadership requires a lot from us, especially when there are so many diverse hoops to jump through in the same day. We have to manage marital conflict, sibling arguments, bullying, sickness, school grades, talking back, crying, lying, and more. There’s an emotional toll to leading.

Sound off: What is the hardest job you’ve ever had? 

The post 5 Reasons Why Home Is the Hardest Place to Lead appeared first on All Pro Dad.

That’s the thing about arguing about chores: It usually isn’t about the chore at all. Clean to one person is not clean to another. What bothers one person doesn’t bother the other. What one person notices, another person will never see. So before you fight about who’s right, here’s why couples fight about chores (and what to do instead).

If you’re the messy one…

1. Work to really understand your spouse’s definition of clean.

You don’t have to agree with it. You just have to understand it’s real to them, not made up to annoy you. For a lot of us, clean was defined in the house we grew up in, and we’re still operating off that old definition without realizing it. Once you know where your wife’s definition comes from, it stops feeling like a random rule and starts feeling like something you can work with.

2. Stop trying to reason your way out of it.

You’re never going to win that argument, and it’s not worth the cost. “But it’s just a sink” has never once changed anyone’s mind mid-fight. Arguing about chores rarely gets settled with logic anyway; it gets settled with a decision to let it go. The goal isn’t to be right. The goal is her. Being right and being close to her aren’t always the same thing.

3. If logic isn’t going to get you there, do the chore anyway, simply because you love her.

You don’t need a good reason to rinse the sink or make the bed. You need a good reason to love her, and you already have one: You married her. Let that be enough some days, even when the request still doesn’t make sense to you.

4. Remember, most of what she’s asking for takes 60 seconds, five minutes, or 10 minutes.

I would rather build a log cabin than unload the dishwasher, so I make a sport of it, timing myself unloading the dishwasher. I’m great at it. The task usually isn’t the problem. It’s the story I tell myself about the task.

5. Have the conversation when you’re not in the middle of a moment.

Nothing gets resolved while she’s holding your whiskers in a paper towel. Bring it up later, calmly, and maybe with a laugh at yourself first, and you’ll actually hear each other instead of just defending yourselves. Timing changes everything. The same sentence that sounds like an attack at 10 p.m. can sound like a fair ask the next morning.

If you’re the neat spouse married to a messy one:

1. Remember whatever your spouse does well that you can’t, and does without complaint.

Maybe their neatness, or lack of it, isn’t the problem either. Marriage is a trade of strengths, not a scoreboard of chores. The guy who leaves his shaving cream in the sink might also be the guy who never lets a hard conversation go unfinished.

2. Stop keeping score.

Chores might be the clearest place where we keep score in marriage because it’s so easy to measure. A made bed. A clean sink. A dishwasher unloaded. But arguing about chores turns into arguing about worth fast, and once it becomes about who does more, nobody’s actually listening anymore.

3. Let it go as much as you can, or even do more than your fair share.

Not because it’s fair. It’s not. But because serving each other is part of marriage, and somebody has to go first. It might as well be you. That’s not weakness; that’s leadership, and it’s one of the fastest ways to stop arguing about chores before it even starts

4. Ask before you assume.

A messy spouse isn’t automatically a careless one. Before you decide she doesn’t care, ask her what’s actually going on: tiredness, a different priority in the moment, or just genuinely not seeing what you see. You might be surprised how often it’s not about you at all.

5. Say thank you for the effort, not just the result.

If she tries and misses the mark, that still counts for something. Noticing the effort goes a lot further than noticing what’s still wrong. Nobody feels loved by a scorecard; they feel loved by someone who sees them trying.

I grew up with my dad and my brother. We were like bears with furniture. Then I married the neatest woman on the planet, and over the years, I’ve learned to notice. My sink is clean. I make the bed. This bear has learned, and your spouse can too. Promise.

Sound off: What have you done to stop the chore battle in your marriage?

The post Why Couples Fight About Chores (and What to Do Instead) appeared first on All Pro Dad.