I used to do similar things with my own kids, saying “Everyday magic” right before an automatic door opened, using the “force” to turn up the music in the car, and changing the color of the traffic light, among other things. They were convinced I had actual powers. Dads, inside every ordinary day there are these 30-second pocket windows to perform everyday magic. No plan, money, or free Saturday required. Here are 6 ways to get better at being a fun dad.

1. Ride the ride.

When I drove my kids to preschool, we had a song. The same one, every single day. I had the hand motions down, the pauses in the right places, the part where I’d pretend to forget the words and they’d yell the next line at me as if I’d personally offended them. Years later, my kids still remember our songs word for word. Turn it up, sing it badly, do the hand motions if there are hand motions. Repetition is the magic, not novelty. Cars can be a capsule of fun and memories. Being a dad is tough, but seeing your kid in the backseat singing along to your song never gets old.

2. Tell the story.

A friend of mine has three kids under ten. At bedtime, he asks them questions, then feeds the answers into AI to write an adventure story starring them. Well played. But stories don’t have to be that high-tech. Make up something on the spot, let the story go somewhere ridiculous, and let your kid steer it if they want to. The plot doesn’t have to make sense. It just has to be told and heard by a dad and his kid.

3. Commit to the bit.

I used to play a used car salesman for my kids, stomach poked out as far as it would go, using a jacked-up accent, trying to sell them a used Chevrolet for no reason at all. My kids would laugh so hard they’d have to lie down. Years later, my son worked at a summer camp and had to invent a character for the kids there. He picked my used car salesman. I’d like to think that if you want to know how to be a fun dad, that story is proof it sticks longer than you think. This also covers the zero-reason costume: Put on the Halloween outfit in March. No occasion required. The bit doesn’t have to be good. You just have to commit.

4. Turn trash to treasure.

… Like the bag of chips you were going to buy anyway, but presented like it’s special. I used to bring home hotel key cards from work trips and hand them to my young daughter, telling her I’d brought her another “credit” card. She had a whole collection. To anyone else, it was a stack of used plastic. To her, it was proof I’d been thinking about her while I was gone. You don’t need to bring home something new. You just need to present something ordinary like it matters because to a kid, the presentation is half the gift.

5. Capitalize on randomness.

Hang Christmas lights in their room in July. Make breakfast for dinner on a random Tuesday just because you are crazy like that. Announce, out of nowhere, that tonight is Backward Night and everyone has to wear their pajamas backward. None of it needs an occasion, and honestly, that randomness is half of being a fun dad. In fact, it works better without one because the whole point is that your kid learns something can be fun just because you decided it was.

6. Catch the phrases.

Every family has (or should have) at least one phrase that means nothing to outsiders and everything to your family. Ours started as dumb TV or movie lines, something one kid couldn’t say plainly, or other random places. Twenty years later, and we are all still using them. You don’t have to invent out of thin air. Just notice when a phrase makes your kid laugh, and say it again. And again. And again, until it’s yours.

My kids are mostly young adults now, and everyday magic looks like a surprise gift card, key card (still!), or an unexpected Venmo that says go get yourself something real. These things seem to make them feel more loved than the tuition check does. Why? Because by then they’ve figured out that’s just how you’ve always shown up for them—in small, ridiculous, 60-second bursts, not in the big checks or the big trips. It’s in the swoosh, the song, the bit, the key card, the lights in July. Learning how to be a fun dad is never about the big ticket items. It’s about the swoosh.

Sound off: What’s one small, no-reason “magic trick” you do for your kids that they love?

The post How to Create Everyday Magic With Your Kids in 60 Seconds or Less appeared first on All Pro Dad.

Turns out I’m not alone, and the reasons run deeper than we think: our desire to fix things and people, our competence tied to identity, our discomfort with someone else’s discomfort, or an old habit from work or parenting. For me, it’s often my anxiety that makes me feel out of control, and I try to get things back under control to ease the angst. How we handle our opinions in marriage is more important than you might think. You’re close enough to your wife that your opinion doesn’t always land as information. It can land as judgment, criticism, even contempt. Here are the 6 questions that taught me how to stop giving unsolicited advice.

1. Does she really need my opinion about that?

Some version of mansplaining is real, and most of us have done it without meaning to. Before you offer a take, ask yourself if she actually lacks the information, or if she’s simply doing it differently than you would. Different isn’t the same as wrong, and most of the time that’s the whole disagreement right there. This one question alone covers a big chunk of how to stop giving unsolicited advice because most of it starts right at the gap between different and wrong.

2. Is this opinion worth a potential argument?

Not every hill needs a flag on it. Weigh what you’d gain against what it might cost, and be honest about whether the trade is worth it. If sharing your opinion might buy you thirty seconds of feeling right and an hour of tension, you’ve made a bad trade. Ask yourself what you’re actually trying to win, and whether winning it is worth what it costs you both.

3. Am I sure my opinion is correct?

Confidence and correctness aren’t the same thing. Plenty of opinions feel airtight in your head and fall apart the second you say them out loud. I was fully certain about how we should handle something with our kid, only to find we should have gone my wife’s route. We really should have gone her route. Certainty is a feeling, not evidence, and it’s worth remembering that before you speak it as fact.

4. Will my opinion be helpful or hurtful?

Same information, two very different deliveries. Ask yourself honestly which one you’re about to give, helpful or hurtful, and whether she asked for either. This is where tone matters as much as content. The exact same sentence can land as support or as a jab depending on how and when you say it.

5. Am I sure my spouse can hear my opinion right now?

When we’re emotional, we’re operating from the emotional part of our brain, and logic doesn’t register there for either of us. Timing can turn a fair point into a fight, even when the point itself was completely right. Learning how to stop giving unsolicited advice starts with learning to read the room before you try to change it with your opinion.

6. Is my opinion about this really just my frustration about something else?

Sometimes the thermostat isn’t about the thermostat. Before you speak up, check whether you’re actually frustrated about something unrelated—work, kids, traffic—and making it about the nearest available topic. Your wife shouldn’t have to absorb frustration that has nothing to do with her. Separating the two is sometimes the whole fix.

None of this means go silent.

There are times an opinion is exactly what’s needed: when she actually asks, when it’s genuinely serious, when you have information she doesn’t, or when staying quiet would be its own kind of dishonesty. In those moments, how you give it matters as much as whether you do, which is really the other half of how to stop giving unsolicited advice: not just fewer opinions, but better-timed, better-delivered ones.

Sound off: What’s an opinion you’ve learned to hold back on, and how has it changed your marriage?

The post 6 Questions to Ask Before You Give Your Wife Your Opinion appeared first on All Pro Dad.

So how do you respond when your child lies? If you’re like me, you’ve probably yelled or gotten stern. Maybe you’ve warned them they won’t be trusted or told them people won’t like them if they lie. This is understandable, but not particularly helpful. Causing shame rarely has positive long-term outcomes. But here are 5 ways you can respond when your child lies to you that may ultimately get you what you want.

1. Connect.

“Connect first” is a good rule of thumb. Whether a child is lying because he’s testing boundaries or because he just knows if he tells the truth he won’t get what he wants, the most important thing in the interaction is for your child to feel safe and connected. This doesn’t mean you aren’t taking it seriously. But it does mean that he first knows he’s loved and safe. A gentle touch, eye contact, and sitting with him on the couch all communicate connection first and correction second. In the context of connection, correction can happen in a healthy way, even if that correction involves discipline.

2. Ask questions.

You might know exactly what happened and have a pretty good beat on why he’s lying to you. Maybe you saw him get mad because his brother knocked over his toy and so he walked over and punched him (this may have happened this morning in my home). So when you sit with him and say, “Tell me what happened,” you’re not really looking for new information. You’re teaching him the need for honesty and taking responsibility for his actions. When you ask him, “Why did you decide to hit him?” you’re helping him realize that he has options in terms of his response to his emotions. You’re not just working on how to deal with a lying child, but also how to raise an adult who can control his emotions.

3. Workshop it.

When you catch your child in a lie, it’s important not to just tell him that’s wrong, but to help him think through how he could deal with this same situation in the future. “So you wanted the candy, but you knew I’d say no? What’s another way you could’ve dealt with that?” In taking this angle on how to deal with a lying child, you’re helping him see that the desire itself was not necessarily the problem. And there may in fact be other ways to get what he wants. It might take longer. For instance, the path to getting the candy might be waiting for dinner, eating your food, and then requesting that piece of candy for dessert. It’s delayed gratification, but that in and of itself is also a powerful lesson.

4. Set boundaries.

Speaking of delayed gratification, kids don’t know how to do that yet. Their prefrontal cortex, the center for rational thought that allows them to put together logic like, “I know I get dessert if I eat dinner. So if I want candy, I should eat dinner, then ask for it,” is still forming. As a result, it’s developmentally appropriate that they will do what they feel they need to do to get what they want now. By setting clear boundaries you discuss with them and reinforcing them consistently, you help them build that cognitive muscle. You’re also creating a path to getting what they want that doesn’t involve lying.

5. Repair.

When the child lies, trust has been broken. While you could just shake it off, it’s an important opportunity for him to learn how to repair what he has broken. Because when you’re considering how to deal with a lying child, what you’re really doing is asking the question, “How do I make it likely this child will grow into someone who can be trustworthy and have authentic relationships with others?” To do that, he must learn that when he breaks trust, he needs to work to repair it. That looks like admitting to the lie, asking for forgiveness, and demonstrating honesty moving forward. Of course, this needs to be handled in an age-appropriate manner, but the earlier you start with your child, the more normal this process will feel for him.

Sound off: What am I missing? What else is critical in dealing with a lying child?

The post How to Respond When Your Child Lies to You appeared first on All Pro Dad.

Faramir’s struggle to have any sort of relationship with his dad is like many father-child relationships today. A man can work hard to provide for his family but still fail to act like a father when he is at home. Here are 5 ways a dad doesn’t act like a dad.

1. When You Constantly Criticize Your Kids

As a dad, there are times you need to correct your kids to help them grow into virtuous people and responsible members of society. But if you always react with sighs and frustration and all you do is criticize, you’re making your kids feel insecure. As a dad, you should teach your kids rather than nitpick everything they do. This means that sometimes you need to bite your tongue and hold back the criticism. Give them the chance to fail, learn from their mistakes, and use those moments to talk with your kids about how they might approach a situation differently next time.

2. When You Consistently Prioritize Other Things

One of the biggest ways a dad doesn’t act like a dad is making his kid the third or fourth most important thing in his life. There might be seasons when work is really demanding. Or you just want to spend time with your buddies or watch the game. But these should be the exception, not the rule. If it seems like other things are often taking the place of time spent with your own kids, make sure there are other moments when they know they are your priority. Put down your phone, leave work early, shut off the game and shoot hoops or have a tea party with your kid.

3. When You Overreact

Dads have bad days too. If you’re in a busy time at work or working through hard times with extended family or friends, the stress can start to build up inside. Sadly, it’s easy to carry those feelings home with you. If you don’t manage your own stress well, a small screw-up from your kid is likely to set you off. If you find yourself making a big deal about something that shouldn’t be a big deal, you’re putting the weight of your stress onto their shoulders. Work on regulating your own stress and emotions, and when you overreact in these moments, make sure you apologize and do the work to heal your relationship with your kid.

4. When You Avoid Hard Conversations

You may be tempted to leave discipline and big parenting decisions to your wife. You might be tempted to avoid a certain topic because it’ll make you or your kid uncomfortable. One way a dad doesn’t act like a dad is by avoiding these hard conversations. Instead, push through the awkwardness and engage with your kids on the things that really matter: things like relationships, “the talk,” discipline, religion, politics, and morality. They don’t always show it, but your kids want to know what you think and believe.

5. When You Usually Put Yourself First

Selfishness is one of the more toxic examples a man can give his kids. When you’re up at midnight and you eat the last of the cookies, or you take time for yourself without asking what the kids need, that’s an example of this kind of dad. Remember that your kids are going to learn more from your example as much or more than they do from your words. When you choose to leave the biggest piece of cake for your kids to share or get another year out of your old truck so your kid can go to that tournament, you’re giving them a lot more than dessert or a memory. You’re giving them an example of what it means to be selfless and to love your family well.

Sound off: What are some other ways a dad doesn’t act like a dad?

The post 5 Ways a Dad Doesn’t Act Like a Dad appeared first on All Pro Dad.

Fear can keep you safe, but it can also be a debilitating enemy. Unhealthy fear is as formidable as the dragons in their storybooks and villains from their movies. That emotion can be crippling for them and leave dads feeling weary, too. Thankfully, after months of what’s felt like zero progress, we’ve finally started turning a corner. I wish there was a secret I could give you to make fear go away instantly. There isn’t one, but I can share a few things that helped us. Here are 5 truths I told my fearful child.

1. “Fear doesn’t always tell the truth.”

If your kid suspects there is a monster under the bed, that’s all he or she needs to believe that it’s true. Their feelings often override reality. That’s why it’s important for dads to remind their kids that fear frequently lies. There are certainly situations when a child’s fear comes in response to a legitimately scary moment—getting lost or being in an accident, for example. Make this distinction clear when you talk to your kids about fear. Some fear is in response to what’s real. Some fear is not.

This is where trust enters the picture. I told my son that even though fear sometimes lies, I would not lie to him. If I said he was safe, he could believe me. This can be tough because kids need to accept that Dad is more trustworthy than their fear. This starts to turn in our favor when we consistently embrace our role as a protector. Sit and listen to them. Hold their hand. Help the child who is scared of everything see that you care about their fear, but open their mind to the idea that it may not be telling them what’s true.

2. “Fear might make you feel alone.”

My son was fine when we were in the room with him. The moment we left, that’s when things got dicey. He felt isolated. His fear grew. It only passed when sleep overtook him. Even then, nightmares were possible. It was an awful thing to be in the other room wondering if my child was struggling. Hearing sniffles through the wall stinks. But I can’t sit in there forever.

I encouraged him with Deuteronomy 31:6, which says, “God will never leave you nor forsake you.” Fearful kids may feel isolated, but I believe they never are because God is with them. God doesn’t leave us to fend for ourselves. That’s because He loves us. That can be comforting for a fearful child. It worked for mine. We talked about how God listens to prayers and sends us peace. Those are two great weapons against fear. You may have to sit by their bedside for a bit. I certainly did that. I told him I’d come back to check on him but couldn’t can’t stay forever. When you finally do head out, tell your kids that God never leaves the room.

3. “Fear doesn’t define you.”

Fear whispers things that challenge reality. Fear can make danger seem greater than it really is, convince kids they’re incapable of handling tough situations, or even distort how they see themselves. It will tempt them to think they’re weird or that nobody else deals with fear. If this misleading thinking takes root, the fearful cycle keeps churning.

I told my son, “You are not inferior because you have fears. You’re not odd for struggling sometimes. A lot of people do.” That seemed to comfort him. He began to believe it over time. He is no longer “the kid who takes forever to go to bed.” He is the kid who is learning to handle a difficult time of the day and making steady improvement. Fight fear with affirmations.

4. “Fear doesn’t have to control you.”

This was by far the most important thing I told my son. When kids get fearful, they usually default to defense, not offense. They’re battling their feelings, and they’re a formidable opponent. Fear can feel like a ten-foot bear wandered onto their walking trail or a shark surfaced beside their kayak. Just the thought is menacing for kids. Forget overcoming it. They’ll think facing it is impossible. But helping them believe they can prevail matters deeply. They need to know that fear can lose.

My son and I started reading the Bible at night and writing pertinent verses in his journal. One he’s clung to during his most fearful moments is Psalm 34:4, which says, “God delivers me from all my fears.” This doesn’t mean if you mutter the right words in the right order, God will vaporize your fear. It means that when we pray, a loving God promises to hear us and comfort us as we work through our feelings. We learn to face our fears, and they gradually lose their power. Maybe you’ve experienced this. Trusting God doesn’t mean we will never feel afraid. It means fear doesn’t have to control us. Even if it feels unbeatable, it’s truly defeatable with God’s help.

5. “You won’t always be afraid like this.”

What bothers your child now probably won’t forever. You know this is the case, but they may not. It’s important to relate to them to drive home this truth. I chatted with a buddy who experienced the exact same nighttime issues my son is going through. He’s now a perfectly fine, well-adjusted dad himself. It took a while to outgrow his fear, but he eventually did. This is the case for most fearful kids. It just takes time.

How can you help the child who is scared of everything? Reminding them, “This is just a season,” gives them hope. Back up that message with a story about a fear you outgrew. This may not change their current situation, but they’ll see you empathizing. Fearful kids want to feel heard and understood. Do this with patience and kindness. They probably won’t leave this season behind as quickly as you’d like. But as a dad who is starting to see the light at the end of this tunnel, I can tell you the tunnel is usually shorter than you think.

Sound off: How can you help the child who is scared of everything?

What should you do when your kid is scared? In this new episode, we unpack how dads can listen, reassure, and build lasting confidence in fearful kids.

The post 5 Truths I Told My Fearful Child appeared first on All Pro Dad.

Hardly. Mother Teresa famously said, “We cannot do great things, only small things with great love.” Not only do I think that’s true, I think it’s critical for parents to grasp. If you focus on the little things, you might be surprised how big of a deal it is. Here are 5 small ways to make a big difference in your teen’s life.

1. Show up.

When possible, be at their games, their performances, their birthdays, and other important events. (Occasionally missing a game or a performance doesn’t destroy a child, especially if your pattern is to be there.) But just as important as being present at the big things is being present in the normal, day-to-day stuff. Be there for dinner, to help with homework, and to sit together on the porch. And don’t just be around when everyone’s happy. Keep showing up when she slams the door, stomps up the stairs, or tells you to leave her alone. Showing up when parenting a teenager sounds easy, but there are lots of things pushing and pulling us away–sometimes including the teenager. But doing the small but hard work of showing up can pay off in a big way with connection with your teen.

2. Have integrity.

Your teenager needs to be able to trust you. She needs to know that when you say something, you’ll follow through. If she can’t trust you when you tell her you’ll pick her up at 3:30 p.m. or that you’ll practice with her after school, then she’s slowly but surely going to stop listening to what you say. She’ll learn over time that you can’t be trusted. I’m not talking about an occasional misstep here. This is about your habits. If you consistently show yourself to be trustworthy, the occasional mistake is no big deal. But trust is fragile. Abuse it enough, and it will be broken and difficult to repair.

3. Love their mom.

This might seem like a non sequitur. What does loving her mom have to do with your teen? A lot, really. The foundation of your teen’s life is her family. When the rest of her world is changing in big and sometimes scary ways, the security and stability of a loving and peaceful home are crucial. That doesn’t mean she won’t still rebel a little or even a lot. But much like a child learning to swim needs a sturdy wall to both push off of and cling to, parenting a teenager is like being the wall of the pool. If you model love and stability, she’ll be able to push off when she needs to, but also return for safety and rest.

4. Listen.

Sometimes teens like to talk a lot. Sometimes you can’t get two words out of them. This can tend to fall along gender lines (girls being chatty and boys being more closed off), but certainly doesn’t always. Regardless, listening is a critical skill for parenting a teenager. Listening doesn’t simply mean hearing the words that she says. It means paying enough attention that you’re noticing what’s behind the words (or the lack thereof). Is she anxious? Ashamed? Overwhelmed? Sometimes listening happens with your eyes. Especially with less talkative teens, noticing body language can be a huge part of listening. And what I’ve found is, showing up to listen doesn’t mean there’s something critical in every conversation. But listening as though it’s all important will build her trust that when she needs a listening ear, you’re ready to hear.

5. Play.

Play is often something we relegate to children. As they become teenagers, they want to be seen as grown up, so words like play are rarely used–except notably in socially acceptable games like sports and video games. And these are incredibly valuable. Organized play creates opportunities for community building, problem solving, leadership development, exercise, perseverance, and more. At the same time, unstructured “play” with parents can be critical for building lasting bonds. It could look like shooting hoops at the park, playing a board game, taking a hike, or, yes, playing a video game together. There isn’t a right way to play. But the habit of having fun and facing low-stakes challenges together can build memories and bonds for a lifetime.

Sound off: Parenting a teenager requires small but frequent doses of attention. What is one small thing you can start today?

The post Small Ways to Make a Big Difference in Your Teen’s Life appeared first on All Pro Dad.

We decided we didn’t have to be as lovey-dovey as they were. Every couple is different. But something’s been happening as our kids have gotten older. We’ve grown more affectionate, not less, and oddly enough, we discovered this new warm-and-fuzzy feeling in a cold, fuzzy-less place: marriage research. Turns out there’s actual research behind this phenomenon, something researchers call the 6-second kiss, 20-second hug.

The 6-Second Kiss

Researcher and relationship expert Dr. John Gottman studies what he calls the “masters and disasters” of marriage: the couples who thrive versus the couples who don’t. One small but repeated finding in his work is that a quick peck barely registers, but a kiss held for around six seconds does something different. It slows you down. It forces you to actually connect with your spouse instead of a drive-by peck on the way to do something that is certainly less important than your person.

Six seconds isn’t long, but it’s long enough to make a busy Tuesday matter to your marriage. Try it once, and you’ll probably notice an awkward pause where your gut says “OK, that’s enough” way before six seconds is up. Six seconds of awkward can turn into a whole day of your spouse feeling special.

The 20-Second Hug

The second habit works the same muscle for longer. A hug held for about 20 seconds gives your body enough time to release oxytocin, the hormone tied to bonding, trust, and lowered stress. A quick side-hug or bro hug in the kitchen doesn’t do that. A real, both-arms, no-rushing-off hug does. Twenty seconds may feel like a long time the first few times you try it, mostly because you’ll be tempted to let go early. Don’t. That’s usually right when it starts to work. Count one Mississippi in your head if you have to. Most couples underestimate how long twenty seconds actually is until they try to hold still for it. Once you understand the 6-second kiss, 20-second hug, twenty seconds stops feeling awkward and starts feeling intentional.

It’s not about the seconds.

A 6-second kiss, 20-second hug isn’t just boyfriend-girlfriend stuff that doesn’t matter. It’s a small physiological reset for two people who spend most of the day apart, mentally if not physically. The seconds themselves aren’t really the point. What matters is what those seconds force you to do. You can’t kiss for six seconds or hug for twenty while also checking your phone, half-listening, or thinking about what’s for dinner. The time requirement is really a stand-in for presence.

This is why small beats big.

Twenty-six seconds is short enough that any couple can find it in a day, but long enough that you can’t fake your way through it. That combination of low cost and high presence is rare, which is probably why the habit sticks when so much other marriage advice doesn’t. Most marriage advice asks for something big: a weekly date night, a weekend away, a deep conversation you may not have the energy for. All of these are important. But this one asks for less than half a minute and happens every single day instead of once a month—and consistency matters more than we give it credit for.

Find your doorway.

You don’t need a plan for this one; you need a doorway. Pick one moment you already share every day—leaving for work, coming home, saying goodnight—and attach the habit there. Nancie and I started with the hug in the kitchen each morning. That works for us because it’s built into a moment that already exists.

Let it spread.

Once it’s automatic in one spot, it tends to spread. We found ourselves doing the six-second kiss goodnight too, not because we scheduled it, but because the first habit made the second one feel normal. We’ve become more affectionate throughout the day, and occasionally, much to our kids’ disapproval, we have PDA.

Do it even when you don’t feel like it.

Don’t wait until you feel like it, either. Some mornings we’re not in the mood. I’m apparently a little grouchy in the morning. We do it anyway, and almost every time, the mood catches up to the moment instead of the other way around.

While these 26-plus seconds have mattered so much to us, we didn’t turn into the hand-holding couple from that vacation, and we don’t need to. What changed is smaller and, honestly, more durable than that. Twenty-six seconds a day, most days, has quietly become one of the steadiest things in our marriage. If you’ve been searching for the meaning of the 6-second kiss, 20-second hug,  and wondering if it’s worth trying, our answer is yes, not because the number is mathematical magic, but because the presence behind it is.

Sound off: What’s one small, daily habit that’s made a bigger difference in your marriage?

The post How 26 Seconds a Day Can Change Your Marriage appeared first on All Pro Dad.

I thought, but you have. What he and his wife can’t see yet is that this season will become one more memory for their son to look back on and say, “My parents were always there for me.” Even if you’re not married, or you and your spouse don’t see eye to eye on parenting, that same kind of steady presence matters no matter what your family looks like. So let’s talk about how to help a child who feels left out. Here are 7 ways, but the sixth one might be the one parents struggle with most.

1. Stay in the know.

We don’t need to hover over every recess or group text, but we should probably know more than we think. Who does your child sit with at lunch? Who did they used to sit with? What changed? Ask specific questions instead of general ones. “How was your day?” will probably get you a shrug and/or a one-word answer. “Who’d you talk to at recess?” might give you a facial expression and a story. But don’t push too hard for details, or your kid might shut down. The goal isn’t surveillance; it’s staying close enough that you catch a slight shift instead of waiting until it turns into something bigger.

2. Look for opportunities.

Left-out kids often need a fresh start more than a fixed problem. A big part of how to help a child who feels left out is looking for those fresh starts, whether that’s a new activity where the social slate is clean, inviting a potential friend over to your house where they feel more confident, or simply widening the circle beyond whichever group has iced them out. You’re not trying to force a friendship. You’re trying to open a door your child might not have the confidence to open themselves.

3. Be affectionate.

At our house, we have what I call a BEEG hug. My sons would describe it as the wrestling move right before the slam to the mat. My daughters, well, they get more than they bargain for too. But I want them to know through a BEEG hug that I love them BEEG. When a kid feels rejected by kids, they need their dad. All of him. A hand on the shoulder, a hug before school, sitting close on the couch. None of it solves the friendship problem, but these gestures remind your child that they are wanted by you, even on the days they don’t feel wanted by anyone else.

4. Find ways to laugh.

Go ahead, act like an idiot when your kid’s world feels stupid. Laughter is one of the few things that can lighten heavy things without dismissing it. So dance the dance they wish you wouldn’t to their favorite song. Sure, it will ruin the song for them. But I bet they won’t be thinking about being left out. I bet they will be thinking about why you should be. But seriously, you’re not trying to distract your child from their pain. You’re reminding them that joy is still available, even in a hard season.

5. Be a great friend.

When my daughter was being left out in high school, my wife said, “Until this friend thing gets worked out, we are going to be her friends.” And we were. I even watched rom-coms. If you have any questions about Notting Hill, please ask me in the comments below. Being your kid’s friend doesn’t mean you stop being their parent; it means showing up in small, ordinary ways. Sit next to them on the couch. Ask what they want to do, and do it. Let them talk, or not talk, without turning it into a lesson. It matters because when your child feels like they’ve lost their people, you get to remind them they haven’t lost you.

6. Don’t be Mr. Fix It.

I get it. Every dad instinct wants to march over and solve it. Text the other parent. Engineer a playdate. Show up at school and have a word with somebody. But swooping in to fix the social problem can rob your child of the chance to build their own resilience, and it can also mortify them in front of the exact kids they’re trying to win back. Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is the hardest thing: nothing. Let them figure out some of this on their own, with you standing close by instead of standing in the front.

7. Don’t minimize it.

“It’s not a big deal.” “You’ll make new friends.” “This won’t matter in a year.” All of it might be true. None of it will feel good. To your kid, this is a big deal, maybe the biggest deal in their world right now. When you minimize it, even with good intentions, you’re telling them their feelings are wrong. That will eventually make them stop telling you things. Let it be as big as it feels to them. You don’t have to agree with the size of it to respect it.

There’s hope in the waiting.

I wish I could tell you these seven things work like a formula: Do them right and the sting of being left out disappears. You already know it doesn’t work that way. Your kid may still come home sad next week, or the week after that. That’s not a sign you’re failing. It’s a sign you’re parenting a child through something hard, and hard things take time, no matter how many parenting sandwiches you make.

If you’re still learning how to help a child who feels left out, know that your steady presence is already doing more than you think. When your child feels left out, there is nothing better than knowing their dad is all in.

Sound off: What’s one thing that’s helped your kid when they felt left out?

The post How to Help a Child Who Feels Left Out appeared first on All Pro Dad.

To borrow a line from my friend Ted Lowe, “Saying you’re sorry is great; not needing to say sorry is better.” I firmly believe that. The next time you’re triggered by friends, kids, or even a spouse, it doesn’t have to end poorly. We all need to know how to deal with triggers and not have them escalate. Being triggered is understandable, but your reactions when it happens matter. Here are 6 P’s to use next time you’re triggered.

1. Pause.

The easiest thing to do when you’re triggered is react or speak before thinking through the response. It’s almost instinctual. But when we fail to pause after being triggered, we risk doing or saying something we may regret. Failing to pause can lead us to doing something that hurts feelings and breaks relationships. Pausing gives us a chance to shift our thoughts, actions, and words into a more constructive place.

2. Probe.

While you’re pausing, it’s important to ask yourself some questions. “Did that experience just remind me of a person who has hurt me? Did it remind me of a difficult moment from my past?” If the answer is yes, you’ve just identified a wound that probably hasn’t fully healed. Asking clarifying questions of the person who triggered you is good, but looking within is necessary too. Information is your friend when you’ve been triggered. The more, the better.

3. Process.

Once you gather the answers to your questions, slowly ingest the information. Analyze what’s been shared and what you discovered about yourself. Was anything surprising? Have your thoughts changed about your trigger? Do you have a new perspective? Processing helps you know how to deal with triggers effectively. It leads nicely into the next step.

4. Proceed.

If I accidentally cut myself with a knife, leaving that wound unattended would be foolish. Infection sets in quickly if we don’t deal with physical wounds. The same thing is true of emotional wounds, which result in triggers. Failing to deal with them invites bitterness, envy, and many other issues that will slowly eat away at us. Processing the wounds that get touched by your triggers looks different for everyone. You may choose to speak to a counselor. There are also books you can read that can help with these sorts of things if counseling isn’t an option. No matter how you process it, be proactive, and don’t let your wounds fester.

5. Pray.

In my experience, there is no substitute for prayer after being triggered. At its core, praying is asking for help, including for things we need after we’ve been triggered—peace and healing. Your prayers don’t have to be complicated. Something as simple as, “Help me not be bitter, anxious, or stressed over this trigger, Lord,” works just fine. It’s not so much about the words you say as it is about the posture of your heart. Your triggers will persist until the wounds they’re touching have fully healed. Asking God for help healing them is never a bad idea.

6. Prepare.

Unless you have no wounds, you’ll be triggered again. Prepare your heart for how to deal with triggers in that moment. Expect there to be conflict in your life and pre-determine how you’ll engage with future triggers.

Sound off: Who in your life has been a good example of how to deal with triggers? 

The post 6 P’s to Use Next Time You’re Triggered appeared first on All Pro Dad.

Words matter. Unfortunately, we often speak without thinking. This can be especially true in marriage, where we can get lazy. And while thoughtless words can tear down your wife in ways that might take years to repair, thoughtful ones can change everything. These are not just sweet things to say to your wife, but 6 game-changing marriage statements.

1. “I was wrong.”

These may be the three hardest words to utter in the English language. No one wants to be wrong. Far too often, shame gets attached to making mistakes, so saying “I was wrong” feels like admitting deep brokenness. And, if we’re not careful, marriages can become competitive. But learning to say “I was wrong” is leading with vulnerability. It’s choosing to push back against competition and move toward cooperation. Choosing to admit mistakes creates emotional safety so you and your wife can actually support one another and be on the same team. And by going first, you make it safe for your wife to admit when she is wrong too.

2. “I forgive you.”

Far too often when people tell me they are wrong I respond with, “That’s OK.” And, on the one hand, we want people to know it’s OK to be imperfect. Sometimes we get things wrong. However, sometimes, particularly in intimate relationships like marriage, we can say or do things that are quite hurtful to our spouse. In that moment, when she comes and says “I shouldn’t have said that” or “What I did or said was unfair,” the most freeing thing for your wife to hear is not, “That’s OK” (because it isn’t) or “Don’t worry about it,” but rather “I forgive you.” To forgive doesn’t minimize what was done. It recognizes the wrong but chooses to let go of bitterness and resentment. And far more than just some sweet things to say to your wife, offering forgiveness offers freedom to her, to you, and to your marriage as a whole.

3. “What I hear you saying is…”

This phrase is a marriage communication hack. When you find yourself in an argument with your wife, it’s easy to listen to respond rather than listen to understand. The problem is that you never really get to the bottom of the issue; you just go in circles until you get tired of arguing. But if you practice using the phrase, “What I hear you saying is…,” it will train you to listen so you can put your wife’s concerns in your own words and confirm that it’s what she means. When this happens, conflict can become fertile soil for empathy, understanding, and connection.

4. “That was incredible!”

How often do you tell your wife how incredible you think she is? I don’t just mean coming up with sweet things to say to your wife as a way to build up her confidence or make it more likely she’ll have sex with you later. I mean, how often do you actually pay attention to what your wife does well consistently and make a point to tell her you noticed? Maybe she’s a whiz at details or keeping the family calendar. Perhaps she’s amazing at her job or is gifted at creating a hospitable home for your family and friends. Whatever it is that she does well, tell her. When you do, it says, “What you do matters to me.” And we all want to be valued in our relationships. We want to be seen and known, but also affirmed. Become your wife’s biggest cheerleader. Odds are, she’ll return the favor.

5. “You know what? I’ll do it.”

Maybe it’s the dishes, or perhaps it’s the laundry, mowing the lawn, or making dinner. We all have chores we gravitate toward and those we avoid. Sometimes this works out well when you like different things or do different things well, but have agreed on the division of labor. But typically there’s the thing that no one really wants to do after a long day or a full weekend. And sometimes, it becomes “Who can ignore it long enough that the other person gives in?” What if the next time you noticed that happening, you made the choice to just do it? What if that was a way you could choose to serve your wife in the moment and change the nature of the conversation from “Who gets stuck with it” to “How can I serve you in this moment?”

6. “I want to spend an evening out with just you.”

After a while, it’s easy for every marriage to slip into “cruise control.” This is especially true once you have kids. You stop being intentional, and you do what you need to do every day just to survive. Before you know it, date nights become synonymous with anniversaries. You make a point to go out once a year, but other than that, they’re just not a priority. But what if you broke the cycle by initiating a date night? It’s not just saying, “We should do fun things more,” but rather it’s saying, “Our relationship is a priority. We’re not just coworkers; we’re lovers, and I want to make sure we’re not just surviving together, but thriving.” And if you aren’t feeling particularly romantic, it’s even more important that you begin orienting your life in a way to prioritize growing in love with your wife.

Sound off: What’s another game-changing marriage statement you’ve used with your wife?

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