dust free keyboard

Watching the news about kids going back to school. Aren't loads of kids just going to start pretending to have a cough, or is that just the sort of thing the kids I went to school with would have done?

27th August

It's taken 12 years for Owen to wear me down, offering to let me twiddle his knobs while explaining waveforms, but it's finally happened - now that I'm a musician (obvs) I have just ordered my first bit of 'gear'. It's a midi keyboard thing that will probably sit gathering dust like my penny whistles...stay tuned!

27th August

Pep Guardiola always sounds to me like some remedy for effervescing your pipes.

July musings 2020 continues...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 30 Aug 2020 20:16:00 +0000

1 July

Can anyone ID this bird? The song sounds like a yellowhammer, bit it doesn't look like the ones I've seen online though I'm wondering if it's a juvenile. Watch until the end to see how bright yellow the wings are at the back - one reason why I'm not thinking that it's a siskin.

3 July

It's bandcamp Friday - here's some new noodlings.

Bear with me, I'm on a journey by Helên Thomas

3 July

We have become a grandmother! I was right! Tiny little thing in the feeding box. I've given it some meaty Felix as those biscuits look like hard work for such a little one. I'll have to get some kitten biscuits.

5 July

Nice tits shame about the face etc. Let's see yours.

6 July

Why are they chucking all that money at the theatres? I thought it was the royal family that brought all the tourist revenue to London.

6 July

Update: It's a Napoleon weaver bird.
Apparently, the bird that I thought was a yellowhammer isn't. Someone who knows more about yellow birds than I do has suggested that it's an escaped weaver bird of some sort.

9 July

Didn't realise I was on this and had an eye on the TV weather so got a bit of a shock when I just heard myself shouting 'cunt, cunt, cunting cunt'.

11 July

Chuffed that my track 'I'll Stay on the Bus' got some airplay on 'When Big Joan Sets Up' on Bradford Community Radio last night thanks to Phil Cope AND he likened it to Ivor Cutler. High praise indeed. #BlowingMyOwnTrumpet #NoIHaventActuallyGotATrumpet It's free to download if anyone wants it.

Bear with me, I'm on a journey by Helên Thomas

11 July

How exciting, I'm on this too! You can hear my poem 'Your Horoscope' that I spliced with some of Owen Tingle's synth samples. https://radiotrouble-archives.blogspot.com/2020/07/radio-trouble-episode-301-range-of.html

12 July

I'm off to bed. Here's another track that got played on an eclectic podcast this week. I'm an avante-garde musician now dontcha know. Make sure you listen to your horoscope so that you'll know how to survive the next mass extinction.

Bear with me, I'm on a journey by Helên Thomas

13 July

Out of focus, but here's Roger the mystery bird (Napoleon Weaver aka yellow crowned bishop) today. His plumage is changing and his breast is almost completely black. Apparently, the males have this bright plumage during the breeding season but are quite drab: brownish and white like the females when not in the breeding season. Obvs there's no ladies about for him so I've started imagining a scenario where he builds a beautiful home for a jilted sparrow and they live happily ever after rearing some alpha sparrow's bastards. Thus far he seems to be surviving; I've moved the bird feeder into the lilac so the sparrow hawk can't get him.

13 July

#ICYMI Here's Friday's 'When Big Joan Sets Up' which includes a track from me - also the cover of 'Tie a Yellow Ribbon' that follows is quite something.

15 July

June round up. I think I'm archiving these so that at some point in the future, when I look back at this time, I won't remember it as the fucking void that it feels like sometimes.

https://helendthomas.blogspot.com/2020/07/june-2020-pandemic-round-up.html

16 July

I have no idea why Donald Trump is advertising beans but seeing as, here in the UK, a 'trump' is a massive expulsion of offensive gas from a person's bum end, it seems quite apt.

18 July

This old thing got some radio play last night.

Bear with me, I'm on a journey by Helên Thomas

18 July

As someone on twitter said, "Boris Johnson said he 'loved' fox hunting in a 'semi-sexual' way. We truly are governed by a Prick." And now it looks like he's putting thicko Ian Botham in the House of Lords, that's Botham who loves killing birds for fun.

19 July

#ICYMI Proper toe tapping one this - my track is probably the quietest most downtempo thing on there, can you believe it?

20 July

Has anyone else caught themselves wondering how long it's going to take for all the stupid people to die?

22 July

I don't need to do yoga - getting up off the lawn when I'm weeding is like a fucking work out.

30 July

Fucking hell, I just fell down a death metal rabbit hole on bandcamp. Someone needs a lozenge.

Electric August 2020 Mixcloud Playlist

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 12 Aug 2020 01:04:00 +0000

Buy links

Bleu Russe - Gentil par superstition

https://bleurussemusic.bandcamp.com/track/gentil-par-superstition

Buzz Kull / Minor Crime - Fade Away

https://coldtransmissionmusic.bandcamp.com/track/fade-away-3

Velvet Kills - Cash and Move

https://manicdepressionrecords.bandcamp.com/track/cash-and-move

Incirrina - London

https://incirrina.bandcamp.com/track/london

Depeche Mode - Never Let Me Down Again (Andrew Red Hand 'Electro' Remixes)

https://andrewredhand.bandcamp.com/album/depeche-mode-never-let-me-down-again-andrew-red-hand-electro-remixes-free

DIIST - Ema

https://aredust.bandcamp.com/track/ema

Saint McCabe - Everything That's English

https://saintmccabe.bandcamp.com/track/everything-thats-english

Zobol - Descending

https://scifact.bandcamp.com/track/descending

René Couteau - Pretty Fly

https://spielzeugmuzak.bandcamp.com/track/ren-couteau-pretty-fly

CEL, Felix Kubin, Hubert Zemler - Elektrybałt

https://felixkubin.bandcamp.com/track/elektryba-t

Michele Mercure - An Accident waiting To Happen

https://michelemercure.bandcamp.com/track/an-accident-waiting-to-happen

Arp 220 - iDream Submarine

https://fumerec.bandcamp.com/track/idream-submarine

June 2020 pandemic round up.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 15 Jul 2020 00:54:00 +0000

1 June

Here's today's 10 O'Clock Potato News.

3 June

Chester Zoo is in the news. They're pissed off because people can go to parks and beaches but not to their large, open air zoo. I think they have a point. Also, if anyone can contain the stupid British public, then you'd think an attraction that has a myriad of massive dangerous animals under lock and key would be able to do so.

4 June

Yum! I wonder what Geoff Cat would have made of this. He used to go mad for the smell of bleach and, of course, loved a bit of chicken.
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/politics/2020/06/03/britain-ready-allow-import-chlorinated-chicken-us/

6 June

Katy Perry's fucking shite isn't she?

7 June

Me, using Owen's synth skills to back my words, and as one half of Tingle In The Netherlands will be on 'The Sunday Sermon' starting now. 2pm - 5pm BST today https://www.mixhitradio.co.uk/

7 June

If you missed the radio show that I was on about, it's on #mixcloud - described by the curators as 'brain melting #ambient & #downtempo #weirdness'. I think they usually do #techno. Loads of my tracks and some Tingle In The Netherlands on here too all nicely chilled.
https://www.mixcloud.com/ayeken/the-sunday-sermon-june-2020/

8 June

I was sitting in the garden earlier and saw a robin, in the hedge opposite, looking at me. I'm desperate to make friends with all the robins, in the hope that one day I'll get one to land on my hand and take a sunflower seed. So, I made a sort of a 'ts ts' noise to encourage the robin and it flew across the garden, straight at me, then hovered for a bit just in front of me as if to say, "What you looking at?" then flew off. Sadly, I didn't have my camera - it would have made great footage. Anyway, I think the noise I made might be a stressy noise, so I'm going to try warbling in future.

9 June

Never seen two woodpeckers in the garden simultaneously before - parent and young one here just now.

10 June

Aphid sheltering from the rain.

10 June

Everything was fine until I killed the false widow spider...

12 June

I've recently caught myself pondering whether the retail workers of the supermarkets I regularly frequented before lockdown have wondered if I'm dead. #NobodyCares 💀🪦😆

12 June

Did they ever get that dentist who killed Cecil the lion?

13 June

Joseph the hedgehog looking well.

14 June

Aphids 14th June 2020. They were en route to the green bin but I liked the pattern they make so re-located them.

15 June at 13:54

HURRAH! THE PANDEMIC IS OVER! WE CAN ALL GET BACK TO NORMAL NOW!

15 June at 19:13

Song idea. "Aphids in my bra. You didn't have to die this way."

17 June at 20:41

Is there anything more cynical than a children's choir?

19 June at 04:48

I've finally finished one of my many unfinished projects. Thank you, and good night.

27 June at 16:20

Thread. Sounds like everything that Jenrick does is transactional. Same goes for the rest of the thin skinned charlatans in government. Our lives are in the hands of these self serving oafs.
https://twitter.com/JolyonMaugham/status/1276624617399103489

27 June at 16:41

I used to quite enjoy hearing what I got up to in other people's dreams, but these days I just end up feeling bitter and jealous.

28 June at 16:43

After posting that status about getting up to stuff in other people's dreams, I had that classic anxiety dream of going out without any pants on. Owen wasn't bothered and didn't mention it. Typical. I wasn't that bothered either to be honest until I remembered that they have CCTV in the dream's locale, so I went back in and put some pants on.

30th June 23.56pm
I'm sharing this again because it would be a shame if you missed it..

Bear with me, I'm on a journey

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 04 Jul 2020 22:58:00 +0000

While still in semi-lockdown mode, I've been trying to stop my brain from turning to sludge. It's probably too late, but rainy days, when gardening isn't an option, have provided an opportunity to get creative. Sound recording and music production aren't really part of my skill set so having taught myself how to use audacity freeware, I've enjoyed fannying about with music samples and random sounds in order to create backing tracks to go with some of my old poems. I've pasted my latest offering below - a 6 track album of sorts - an EP probably. I've learnt a few new skills en route to finishing this one, but there's a lot I want to improve on, hence the title.

Bear with me, I'm on a journey by Helên Thomas

Chill

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 19 Jun 2020 18:09:00 +0000

Finally finished the animation to go with my track 'Chill' that I started in 2018 when I did 'Scroll free September'

May 2020 Lockdown Musings facebook round up.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 02 Jun 2020 22:36:00 +0000

Friday 1st May

This poem is better than I remember it so I’m posting it here, or maybe my brain is just getting ever sludgier. It definitely is, but these days, I think that is an asset.

May Day

on telephone buttons let dust accrue

no will to receive and no-one to call

carnivore neighbours in gardens pollute

smoke wafting aloft carcinogen coils

from cow coal cremations on barbecue

conversations beefed up malodorous

to self promotion of bluff power tools

Bank holiday impulse bought at Argos

glasses clink jarring with icy chit chat

babbling dry like a bubblewrap creek

one-upmanship sinking minus life raft

I wish war film skies, orchestral then bleak

a scornful flash then harsh bullet rain pours

peace now the refugees head back indoors

28th April 2010

2 May

Please don't any of you ever use that new emoji on any of my posts because if I keep being sick in my mouth, I'll rot my teeth. Ta.

2 May

I'm too lazy to keep a lockdown journal, so I'm just rounding up my facebook thoughts at the end of each month and now I fancy myself as some latter day Samuel Pepys but lucky for you, I haven't written it all in a secret code!

4 May at 21:43

This afternoon I spent an unecessary amount of time looking in the mirror while holding an old pair of knickers up to my face like a yashmak to see if I could turn them into a face mask for Owen.

5 May at 02:46

Fuck it. 'Got tinnitus' might well be my answer to 'What did you do in the time of Coronavirus?'

6 May at 03:01

I've started wondering how long it's going to take for me to turn into a butterfly. Night all.

6 May at 17:41

I had a cracking anxiety dream that touched all the bases and was thoroughly enjoyable. I might send this to my friend who is a psychologist after I've written it out here. Sit tight, here goes:
Owen and me were living in a flat in central Manchester. Owen had done a deal with a local department store and they were selling his skulls in the homewares department. They'd have weird, complicated special offers on whereby if a certain thing was on offer, everything else in the department would have some money off too. Owen had to make sure that it was clear that his skulls weren't included so I had to list all of the item offers that he was exempt from for the store. I went in everyday to see what his takings were. On this particular day his skulls had been sold at a discount because I'd forgotten to include wool on the list. When I told him about the error Owen said, "You forgot to list wool?! WOOL!"

Later on, the dream took on an apocalyptic vibe, somehow linked to the current crisis. It was like the beginning of a disaster movie where everyone's in a hurry to get home. I was trying to make my way home too. One of the streets on my route was blocked off by the residents, most of whom seemed to be members of The Socialist Worker Party, so I decided to go up the next street running parallel to it. I'd also lost my mobile phone, so was a bit antsy as I couldn't phone Owen to tell him I'd be late.
On the next street, the sun was shining and a group of Americans were watching a screen and laughing. Blanche from the 'Golden Girls' had cracked some joke about a man with a small willy and it was very funny. There was a woman near the screen who seemed to be responsible for it so I hugged her and said, "I needed that, thank you." then carried on on my journey.

Later on, I took a detour through a pub and found myself a bit lost so I flagged down a taxi. There were two people in the front of the taxi along with the driver who was a cross between Norm from 'Cheers' and Jeremy Clarkson. He was also quite sinister. I started to feel ill at ease, but couldn't phone anyone as I'd lost my phone. I put my hand into my bag to keep hold of my purse which was quite heavy and full of loose change. The taxi was stationary at this point and the driver somehow leaned back and was trying to attack me. The other two passengers had melted away by now, surplus to dream requirements apparently. Anyway, a struggle ensued but at some point I realised that I hadn't lost my phone and it was in the bottom of my bag. The pressure was on now to phone Owen and get help. Taxi man seemed to realise this and was leaning over and trying to subdue me so I smashed him on the side of his head with my purse and kept hitting him until I'd pummelled him unconscious. I pummelled him a bit more for good measure and found it quite satisfying. I then got out my phone and was just about to phone Owen, when I woke up. THE END.

Maybe this is why I'm not fully on board with the ever creeping cashless society. You can't pummel a rogue taxi driver to death with a debit card can you?

7 May at 22:08

Money isn't real, especially that money that I used to pummell a taxi driver to death with the other night.

8 May at 20:23

Getting a bit weary of all the 'when this is over' whimsy making out that we'll all look back on the current shitshow with something akin to nostalgia. Fuck off.

9 May at 16:46

For those who like that sort of thing, #HomeAlone2 is just starting on #Film4

10 May at 16:07

Hands up if you've quietly declared that your English sitting room is a satellite of Scotland.

10 May at 22:15

I think the big problem with this lockdown is that no one's got any news. Please put your news in the comments. I have no news.

11 May at 01:42

I reckon Pence thinks he can survive Covid-19 because he's got Jesus, but he doesn't reckon Trump can.

11 May at 16:56

I think the local veg box providers should also offer a service whereby they hide the fruit and veg in and around your garden, in trees, on the shed, hidden in flower pots so that you have to work for your food and get some mental / physical exercise like they do on monkey world.

12 May at 00:09

I'm still staying at home but I did nip out to the post box and walked back and now I'm back in and not going anywhere. When do I get my medal? I'd make my own but I haven't got any paper plates.

12 May at 03:08

I've got a bloody hedgehog emergency now. Hog in the feeding box, apparently sleeping, had a wound on its head - possibly been strimmed. I've got it in a box indoors, but it still appears to be asleep. It looks well apart from the wound, so hope it's not too deep. I'll have to stay up now so I can phone the vet and hog rescue in the morning.

12 May at 09:38

Hog update. It's still alive and is going to be taken to local rescue to be checked over. I will be leaving the box in the porch for the volunteer hogbulance driver to collect. I'm also getting a veg box later, so feel free to write your own imaginary sitcom where the local hog rescue takes delivery of a pineapple.

12 May at 11:56

I had about 45 minutes sleep last night and now I've got to stay alert?

12 May at 12:58

News just in. The #hedgehog is a boy. The lady who took him to the rescue has asked that he be named Joseph. He shouldn't need to stay at the rescue for very long.

14 May at 00:35

I've done a load of baking and I don't mind telling you, I'm feeling quite worthy.

14 May at 23:35

I've made some soda bread now. It was nice. Much better than the igneous boule that my Mum made in the 70s.

15 May at 00:08

Soda bread in the 2020s. I've got 3kg of flour to get through so...

16 May at 19:55
I fucking hate Eurovision. There, I said it.

16 May at 20:04

They've said 'over worked, under paid' too many times on channel 4 news and now I've got the Wombles theme tune as an ear worm.

17 May at 23:58
This lovely rabble have been turning up for meals just lately.

18 May at 23:28

Joseph the hedgehog has returned from the hog spa. I put him straight into the unoccupied hog box when he was brought back from the rescue - I saw him later in the garden trundling about. No photos because I think you know what a hog in a box looks like.

18 May at 23:33

Potato news: There are signs of life in my swing bin but I think the one in the bucket has perished because of poor drainage. I cut the corners off the bottom of the swing bin so there is a hole about the size of a 50 pence piece at each corner, so drainage is good. The bucket just has some stones at the bottom and no holes, so no good. It's actually an old milking pail so I'll have to ditch the spud and get a cow.

18 May at 23:58

I'm still reading that article but it occurred to me that I could reboot that poem that I wrote, 'Why fruit bats should always eat fruit' and instead of it being a basic healthy eating message, Fred's unsuitable diet could result in the emergence of a deadly new zoonotic virus that finishes the job started by covid-19. Sorry about this, it's just how my imagination works.

19 May at 01:11

That drug that Trump is on causes hair loss.

19 May at 14:46

Made more soda bread. It was nice. Next stop crumpets.

20 May at 00:51

I was hovering over the 'like' button and all the emojis appeared and started pulling faces and then I got a bit antsy because they're so close together. I think I'll go to bed.

21 May at 00:00

Is piss a vector for coronavirus? I assume it is. All the public toilets are shut to daytrippers, so...

21 May at 14:53

I've won a piece of art called 'Man with willy'. This pleases me. If you like art, animation and satire, Happy Toast is well worth following on twitter and facebook.

21 May at 15:03

Do not invite me into any rooms. I don't trust any of you.

21 May at 15:24

Quick reminder to please leave shallow dishes of fresh water out for the wildlife.

21 May at 18:43

Warrington Market has just confirmed that I am human. Phew!

21 May at 22:17

Potato update.

21 May at 23:11

Video of those spiders.

22 May at 15:07

I made up a joke. One for the birders:
A member of the family Sturnidae, native to Asia, walks into a bar.
The barman says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve mynas."

23 May at 21:42

I'm in a bad mood now. The climbing rose that trails over the top of a small juniper tree, then up into the hawthorn, got blown down and was in danger of breaking. I've spent some time wrestling with it to get it back to where it was. I'll spare you the details, just imagine John Cleese in 'Clockwise' if he was a gardener.

24 May at 02:23

I just looked at the duration of the track that I'm listening to and thought it was the time: 3.43. I then looked at my watch: 2.20 - assumed it had stopped but was mystified by the fact that the second hand is still moving. I'm not even drinking. How are you?

24 May at 19:10

You can all stop sending me that vid of a crow 'helping' a hedgehog across the road now, thanks. Hogs out in daylight are usually unwell and corvids will have a peck if they think they're in with a chance of a free meal. Nature isn't as nice and kind as we'd like it to be.

25 May at 00:37

POTATO UPDATE:

26 May at 16:17

Sentences I never thought I'd write two months ago #9504043709340494294, "Kate and Mike are coming round to sign my will in the garden so I need to clean the bird shit off the chairs."

29 May at 14:55
Here's a short ambient mixcloud playlist to calm your nerves.
https://www.mixcloud.com/helenthomas/ambientesque/

29 May at 18:50

They just said on the news that you can have people round to sit with you in the garden and they can nip in to use the loo as long as they clean down all the surfaces after. I've just cleaned the bathroom and toilet - if only I'd known, I could have invited some friends round to do it for me.

29 May at 19:01

A confused, deaf old woman just phoned. Despite me telling her that she had the wrong number, explaining that she doesn't know me and that I'm not Beth or Ruth, she proceeded to tell me her news anyway. I told her my name again and reiterated the fact that she doesn't know me. I could hear her turn to someone and say, "It's someone called Hannah," and then she hung up. I hope she's not one of these new contact tracers.

30 May at 23:45

Actually, if they're bringing back the horse racing, I might put a fiver on pestilence.

31 May at 15:47

This handcart that we're all going to hell in seems to have sped up somewhat.

Indie Stuff - Mixcloud

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 05 May 2020 01:15:00 +0000

Buy links below.

Adwaith - Lan y Môr

https://play.google.com/store/music/album/Adwaith_Lan_Y_M%C3%B4r?id=B26gmwhtfz4rrzawni5fuxzn3ui

The Primitives - Crash

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Crash/dp/B001I8X86Q

The Undertones - Jimmy Jimmy

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Jimmy-Undertones/dp/B001TPEI26

Pavement - Two States

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Two-States/dp/B083Z1L88W

The Happy Fallen - Open Wide

https://thehappyfallen1.bandcamp.com/track/open-wide-2

In Broken English - Shake It

https://inbrokenenglish.bandcamp.com/track/shake-it

Cheese Morphine - Käseleib https://spielzeugmuzak.bandcamp.com/track/k-seleib

Past - Smutno
https://pastpunk.bandcamp.com/track/smutno
Pixies - U-Mass
https://play.google.com/music/preview/Teun4s4yqkmubr32wv4r75fqtbi?play=1&u=0
Taser Puppets - Dim
https://germanshepherdrecords.bandcamp.com/track/dim
Cute Position Man - Glittering Joy

https://spielzeugmuzak.bandcamp.com/track/glittering-joy

April Round Up Under Lockdown.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 02 May 2020 20:26:00 +0000

In the absence of a proper journal, I'm putting all my facebook musings in one place for me to marvel at, at a future time, assuming I'm still here.

1st April 2020: Today is Wednesday 29th December. Any good films on?

1st April 2020: For fuck's sake, even watching tv is like being on a conference call.

2nd April 2020: Llandudno folks - those goats are coming for your children. Pay them what you owe.

2nd April 2020: I have finished dismantling the old shed and used the rotten wood to build a woodlouse palace. For a few hours I was in a world where no #coronavirus exists.

2nd April 2020: Despite posting the day and the date earlier, my brain decided this evening that today is Friday and now I'm pissed off that I've missed 'Gogglebox'.

4th April: I'm taking social isolating to the next level - I've uninstalled skype.

4th April 2020: Can anyone remember what The Fonz did after he jumped the shark?

9th April 2020: So, is it Good Friday tomorrow then or what?

15th April 2020: Does everyone else say 'piss off' before switching off the telly remote and going to bed, or is it just me?

15th April 2020: You can buy online from Home Bargains. There's not much of a selection and what they do have you have to purchase in bulk. I now have 24 packets of sweet chilli flavoured rice crackers, plus a shit load of catfood and a new hose pipe attachment - you're allowed to buy those in the singular.

15th April 2020:
You don't say you knead me
And you don't sing me love songs
You don't bring me flours anymore

15th April 2020 [The day Trump turned up to his press briefing with WHITE HAIR!]: I haven't been paying attention to Trump lately. When did he stop dying his hair?

15th April 2020: What if we don't ever want to go out ever again ever?

17th April 2020: I've got so many bananas I might go and sit in the front garden chucking my own shit at passers-by.

17th April 2020: Pah! I had a dream that me and Owen went for a walk.

19th April 2020: I've noticed that whenever I read anything detailing the current crisis I always think to myself, 'I hope I survive this so that I can watch the dramatised version that they'll make in a few years' time'. So that's it, my main reason for wanting to stay well is so that I can watch it all back on telly.

19th April 2020: Mawkish shite everywhere. It's worse than Christmas.

20th April 2020: It's a shame I'm not going to have grandchildren. I could have bored the shit out of them with all this. Random people on the bus it is then!

20th April 2020: My Mum watching the weather: I am a sheltered Glen.

20th April 2020: I found a tin of sweetcorn in the cupboard that I wasn't aware of and experienced a frisson of excitement. I've already got a zip lock bag of sweetcorn in the freezer but because I opened it upside down with a pair of scissors when I first used it, I manage to spill a load of it on the floor every time I use it. Aside from that, I'm fine. Ta.

21st April 2020: I think the 5G conspiracy has gained traction because there aren't enough flights at the moment to sustain the 'chemtrails' conspiracy. Someone needs to start a conspiracy about tree pollen.

23rd April 2020: Would anyone like me to write an inspirational poem? Nah, me neither.

23rd April 2020: Life update. I have planted two potatoes. One in an old bucket that belonged to my Taid and the other in a lidless old swing bin. I will keep you up to date re. their progress.

24th April 2020: I can't be arsed writing an inspirational poem. I did think about writing a poem about how it's OK if you can't be arsed writing inspirational poems or if you find crafting twee and tedious, or feel blank at the prospect of keeping and in depth diary or your unique lockdown thoughts, or if you're shit at lip synching, or if you're filled with existential dread, not because of the virus, but because of the pressure you feel under to finish off all those DIY jobs, or learn how to cut hair / speak a new language / play a musical instrument / write songs about washing your hands / feed a family of four with a tin of chickpeas and some dust / punctuate exceptionally long sentences, or if you're just not terminally jolly enough to make frenetic videos of yourself cartwheeling round the garden while your child prodigies raise money for charity with their virtual lemonade and cupcakes stands, but I can't be arsed. Anyway, Poet Helene 'Butternut Squash' Smithee is a far better poet than I'll ever be, so thank the bee gees that she's found the time to write an uplifting ode.

24th April 2020: We've had the driest April in years, so please leave water out for the wildlife.

25th April 2020: Had another frisson of glee earlier on seeing a tin of spaghetti hoops at the back of the cupboard. No potato news, but it's early days obvs. Stay tuned.

26th April 2020: Whenever they start banging on about herd immunity, I feel a bit antsy. We still don't know if you can get Covid19 again and even if you do have immunity, your lungs and general health could be permanently damaged as a result of having the virus.

26th April 2020: Could all of the Scottish people on my friend list record a video of themselves saying 'horrible' so that I can put them on a loop to entertain myself? You can throw in the odd 'murder' if you're feeling festive. Ta. I'm happy to reciprocate with an 'Ooo lovely' or even a stereotypical 'Ey up it's a bit parky out. Take your coat off or you won't feel the benefit'. etc.

27th April 2020: Rambling anecdote time: When I was a kid, the local GP was a bit of a character - very down to earth to the point of being blunt - not to everyone's taste, but he was a great doctor. When I was 4, my Mum got mumps and went to see him.

Mum: It's so painful, I can't even bite an apple.
Dr Walmsley: Well, you should think yourself lucky!
Mum: Why?
Dr Walmsley: Some people can't afford an apple.

Rambling anecdote 2: When my Mum was pregnant with me, she didn't get very big and the aforementioned doctor was worried that I would be very small when born. He insisted that he be called to the hospital after my birth. Not only did I cause him to cancel his Saturday morning round of golf, but on seeing me, weighing in at eight pounds, he exclaimed, "It's a little whopper!" [This was before Burger King was a thing].

28th April 2020: I vow, that for the duration of this crisis, I will not upload any videos of myself doing anything, especially chirpy stuff. I will also NOT be available via skype, zoom or any other 'broadcast from your goldfish bowl' app. Hope this helps.

The Seventh Wave 170420 Electronica Radio Show

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 02 May 2020 19:36:00 +0000

Thanks to Chris Wave for playing my track, 'That's How Bees See'.

May Day

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 01 May 2020 14:21:00 +0000

This poem is better than I remember it so I’m posting it here, or maybe my brain is just getting ever sludgier. It definitely is, but these days, I think that is an asset.

May Day

on telephone buttons let dust accrue

no will to receive and no-one to call

carnivore neighbours in gardens pollute

smoke wafting aloft carcinogen coils

from cow coal cremations on barbecue

conversations beefed up malodorous

to self promotion of bluff power tools

Bank holiday impulse bought at Argos

glasses clink jarring with icy chit chat

babbling dry like a bubblewrap creek

one-upmanship sinking minus life raft

I wish war film skies, orchestral then bleak

a scornful flash then harsh bullet rain pours

peace now the refugees head back indoors

28th April 2010

Covid 19 lockdown: March round up 2020

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 31 Mar 2020 20:53:00 +0000

3 March at 00:27

Careful what you wish for Obama!

Helên Tingle

27 December 2016

Last night's dream.
Barack Obama: Wouldn't you like to be around when the world ends?
Me: No, not really.
Obama: Oh I would, just to see what happens.
Me: Well maybe if I was already old and had lived my life, but no, not really.
Obama: Oh, I would. I want to know how it ends.

5 March at 19:43

Me buying normal amount of loo roll in local shop: I'm going to sell this on ebay for £100.
Bloke on till (clearly gullible): Are you?
Me: No not really, I'm just joking because of all these people stockpiling. I thought the Australians were made of sterner stuff to be honest, mind you, after those bush fires, there's probably a shortage of leaves to wipe their bums with.

Till man (shocked and frightened {probably} by this point): Oh no!
Me: Sorry, if there's a tone to be lowered, I'll lower it.
This is what happens when I get up early and have too much daylight.

5 March at 20:32

Overly chatty middle aged woman bores sales assistant tale #2.
I was in a local department store buying posh soap, talc and hand lotion as a gift. When I got into the old ladies' smellys section, I noticed they had a sale on so I treated myself to some bars for my pants drawer. By the time I got to the counter to pay, I had quite a haul.
Me: Stockpiling hand santiser is SO last week!
Perfume Counter Woman just laughed and ran away to be with her friends as soon as I'd paid.

5 March at 20:40

And finally, retail tale #3. Me, placing a gift bag; greetings card; thick purple candle that will fit one of Owen's skull candle holders; 2 bars of vegan white chocolate and a bottle of Italian organic tomato ketchup that I realised later cost FOUR QUID and only really bought it because the bottle is glass and I'm avoiding plastic: I only came in for a mirror. [They don't sell mirrors] The lad on the till was obviously thinking : NOBODY FUCKING CARES - WE WANT TO GO HOME!

7 March at 00:51

Have people forgotten the parable of the rich man who bought all of the hand sanitiser?

7 March at 17:42

Schrodinger's pensioner: simultaneously staying indoors and avoiding large groups of people while
also going out to volunteer in the nation's hospitals. Dead or alive?

8 March at 15:21

'The Voice' is utter shit isn't it? It needs mopping up with some of the stockpiled bog roll.
No loo roll again in local shop, just the moist stuff. My stockpiling of kitchen roll continues...

12 March at 21:32

Got 8 rolls of loo roll in the co-op afterwhich I got all 'eat drink and be merry' and bought a box of chocolates and some lemon bakewells (new from Mr. Kipling). #ExcitingTimes

13 March at 23:00

Johnson wants to be an outlier as well as a liar.

15 March at 19:36

Had to get the bus earlier. Took my 10p change then put my woolly gloves on as a face touching deterrent while thinking, "Don't touch your face, don't touch your face..." Brief nervous cough ensued. Forgot to put hands up to mouth because I'd internalised the "Don't touch your face," mantra. Can't win.

16 March at 02:32

Seeing those Italians on their balconies singing and playing music has inspired me. If things get worse, I will start doing poetry performances in the garden, so if that doesn't inspire you all to stay the fuck at home until we've nailed this bastard, I don't know what will.

16 March at 02:41

Is this my job?

16 March at 16:05

Turns out the Stereophonics really are tone deaf.

18 March at 02:18

I made up a joke.
Everyone asking where Rishi Sunak is getting all that money from. Have you forgotten that there's 20% VAT on toilet roll?

19 March at 00:03

"I've got a bit of a cough," is a gift to introverts.

19 March at 01:48

The year is 2050, I am 81. The long anticipated Netflix blockbuster, 'Covid 19' premieres. I take to twitter:
Ha ha! We didn't start communicating by telepathy 'til 2027 via 9G technology, & bubble perms didn't come back 'til 2025. Who writes this shit? Robot, pour me a sherry.

19 March at 15:49

Apparently, everyone's stockpiling eggs. I suppose it'll make it easy to eke out the loo roll if everyone's egg bound.

19 March at 16:30

All this screen time, mayhem and life admin mither is giving me a headache so I'm going to switch off for a bit. Might have a trundle round the garden and video some boring stuff like flowers and compost - see if I can find some serenity in the undergrowth.

19 March at 22:03

If you think you're having a bad time, imagine how that family of slugs that I evicted from the hedgehog box feels.
Sorry, this isn't helping is it?

20 March at 00:56

I've stopped wearing my watch because I think it's unhygenic. Time has ceased to exist.

21 March at 03:30

Bed time story for you. Night all.

Tingle In The Netherlands

21 March at 03:28

The year is 2050. Helên is 81 and Owen is 78. In the absence of grandchildren they have adopted a sentient Feline Cyborg as all the earth cats have been recalled to their true home, a far off planet where the ancient Egyptians built their first space ship.

Feline Cyborg: Tell me about the olden days Nana.
Helên: Well, 2020 was a wild ride. After a seven year musical lull, we released a new tune, 'Gwyneth Paltrow's Cunt' about an all encompassing smelly candle, then two months later, the world was gripped by a lethal global pandemic the like of which hadn't been seen for a century and everything went to shit.
Feline Cyborg: Tell me more about the song! Will you sing it Nana?
Helên: Maybe another time sweetheart, I'm a bit tired just now.
Feline Cyborg: Pappy, will you sing it for me, please Pappy, please!
Owen: Fuck off you little cunt, you're not even a real cat.

24 March at 18:31

I had to go out for essentials. Now ready to lock down for as long as possible. Not ill, just locking down. Was on my way to the local farm and this bloke is walking towards me but is at a safe distance away. He gets his phone out, taps it a few times, then when he's a bit nearer, but still a safe distance away, he asks me if the nearby car park is open to the public. I tell him 'yes' and go on my way. When I get home, I check my phone and see that I've had the text from government telling people to stay home. I don't usually do paranoia but the text was sent shortly after I was talking to that bloke, so the little voice in my head says, 'He's a spy, he was getting your number so he could send you a targeted text because you weren't at home!' I'm glad I don't smoke weed.

24 March at 20:18

My latest Covid 19 crisis prediction is that boy racers are going to be a problem. I saw two today zooming about the fairly empty roads. Bored daft lads with souped up cars. Hope they don't crash and burn because the NHS won't be able to help them.

24 March at 20:53

I'm thinking now might be a good time for everyone to learn sign language.

25 March at 00:04

I'm glad I'm not going to be interviewed on the news about the current crisis. My book case isn't tall enough. I'd look like an idiot.

25 March at 00:25

Have the Stereophonics been lynched yet?

25 March at 00:44

Bloke on the radio talking to Alan Beswick: Have you ever weighed your poo?

25 March at 01:22

It's bin day tomorrow. Just been down the path with my bleach spray to wipe down the wheelie bin handle as per the council's request. If this was a normal day I'd have looked like a nutter.

25 March at 14:16

Good news for the self employed. Supermarkets, landlords and utilies companies are now accepting sympathy in addition to exposure as a means of payment. Thanks Mr. Prime Minister you fucking bellend.

25 March at 21:28

The new corona virus prick test will identify everyone who spent last Friday night rammed cheek by jowl in their local pub.

26 March at 16:44

I bought a new laptop today because this one is a bit old and is the only way I can get online. I was having a look at the apps and things on there and noticed it has a step counter. Should I take it out with me when I go on my daily, state sanctioned, hour long walk?

27 March at 22:00

Just realised that today is Friday. Who knew?

27 March at 22:02

Now that Prince Charles and members of the government have been tested positive for the virus, I think the rest of us in the UK need to be told what number we are in line to the throne.

27 March at 22:31

I don't think Johnson is ill, I think he just wanted the weekend off.

28 March at 18:10

Today is Saturday. Funnily enough, it actually feels like a Saturday to me. Let me know if these daily up dates are helpful.

March at 19:54

A Public Service Announcement has been requested: UK folk, don't forget to put your clocks forward one hour tonight to add yet another layer of disorientation to this week's what-the-fuckery. Hope this helps.

28 March at 20:04

In other news, I have yet to do any online shopping but I will soon be taking delivery of a hedgehog. [For those new to my fb ramblings, it's a wild hedgehog that has been rescued and overwintered and will be released back into the wild.]

28 March at 20:09

It's #AprilFoolsDay in a few days. Fingers crossed...

29 March at 02:28

Still here. Still saving lives, sitting on my arse. You?

29 March at 16:39

SUNDAY TODAY EVERYONE!

29 March at 17:02

Top #lockdown tip. Leftover Eccles cake filling is nice in porridge.

29 March at 17:19

Watching the Now 80s music channel. Turns out 'La Isla Bonita' reminds me of cooking the dinner at my Taid's. (Welsh Grandad). Grace Jones is on now. Funnily enough she was one of the star turns at the gathering of the Jones's at the Millennium Centre in Cardiff in 2006.

30th March 12.12pm

My Mum thought she was in France when she was in intensive care in Manchester Royal Infirmary. Opposite her bed, there was a trolley load of books available to buy for a small donation.
Mum: What's that over there?
Me: It's a load of books you can buy. Do you want me to have a look to see if there's anything you want to read?
Mum: No, they'll all be in French - I won't be able to understand them.

Then on another day, after I turned up for visiting and was telling her something about what was going on she got a bit shirty and said, "ARE YOU A DOCTOR NOW?!"
Me: Yes, yes I am! They've given me a pair of blue pyjamas and told me I don't have to sit the exams.
Mum: [Irritated chuntering]

30th March 11.55pm

It's STILL Monday. Can you believe it? I think I'll head for bed.

Your Horoscope

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 13 Mar 2020 23:45:00 +0000

PM Johnson's speech yesterday re. the corona virus pandemic reminded me of this poem that I wrote years ago. It was the bit where he told us all to expect relatives to die.

Your Horoscope

Money, work, moving house, babies, romance,

love, friendship, children, pets, hospitals. Some

of you will be diagnosed with cancer today.

Everything will be all right. Sun signs, phases,

opportunities, challenges. Saturn, the lunar

eclipse, Uranus. Some of you will hurt

yourselves, or others, today. Everything will be

all right. Mercury, dark strangers, lottery

winnings. For those of you born on the cusp,

the full moon could mark the beginning of an

episode of psychosis. Everything will be all right.

Promotion, alignments, Venus in your house

squaring with Pluto. Your dog may require

euthanasia later in the week. Everything will be

all right. Frustration, crossroads, new horizons,

family matters, career, health. You may have to

take the day off work, as today could be the day

you admit your child into the local hospice for

respite care. Everything will be all right.

Conjunctions, opposites, your life path,

childhood, social life, parties. Expect an

invitation to attend the funeral of an old school

friend. Memories, partnerships, emotions.

Everything will be all right. Something about the

discovery of new planets and the downgrading

of old ones. The cycle of life. Changes in your

environment. The more senior amongst you may

be institutionalised today. Everything will be

all right. Metaphorical doors, home improvements,

doors opening, doors closing, revolving doors.

The repetition of patterns of behaviour. Resist.

Your ruling planet goes partially retrograde

towards the end of the month. Some of you will

die. Everything’s going to be all right. Call or text

to find out why destiny wears red this Thursday.

Something about shopping in the age of COVID-19

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 07 Mar 2020 20:42:00 +0000

Till man (shocked and frightened {probably} by this point): Oh no!
Me: Sorry, if there's a tone to be lowered, I'll lower it.

This is what happens when I get up early and have too much daylight.

'That's How Bees See' video.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 01 Mar 2020 18:38:00 +0000

Something about bikes.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 27 Jan 2020 01:01:00 +0000

Someone on twitter was pondering why the cycling group 'Critical Mass' might be included on a list of terror groups. They speculated that maybe Priti Patel had been frightened by a bike in the past, possibly when she had the stabilisers taken off. This reminded me of when my sister & me were kids, before we got the bikes we wanted, we used to do a pretend, late(ish) night 'radio' show called 'Bikes'. The theme tune went 'Bikes, Bikes, Bikes, Bikes...' etc. and we'd just lie in our beds blethering on about why bikes were dangerous and should be banned. We listed lots of ways you could be killed on a bike, including getting hit by a train because we lived near a railway. Sometime round Christmas 1975, we got our bikes and the show was cancelled.
Here's a poem about my first bike.

Limericks, Lyrics and Loads of Poems! by Helên Thomas

BIG BEN BONG

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 21 Jan 2020 15:36:00 +0000

From Rosemary Dun: A poem from me and my mate Helên Tingle. I love collaborating with Helên - we have such fun. Anyway, I started this poem after turning on the telly a few days ago and seeing Boris Johnson saying,' "Bung a bong for the Big Ben bong" - and decided one of us had gone mad. Turns out it's true. (He meant to say bung a bob). Still nuts.

BIG BEN BONG

Bung a bob for the Big Ben bong
crowd funding Brexit's midnight strike
Sing a rousing song for the Swan Song Gong
ring out the bells like it’s Bonfire Night

Ben first bonged in the time of Charles Dickens
But lately Ben's been silent as a dodo
Celebrate your right to eat chlorinated chickens
With Mark Francois as Quasimodo

Send remoaner wrong 'uns to Kim Jong
Un. We can't wait any longer
A shame the Great British Pound's not so strong
Coz those bongs cost a stonkin' load of wonga

Let’s twang a thong all day long
join the queue for passports blue
Bang the bongo bongs as we sing, "Ding Dong!"
bing bang bongs and nikky nakky noo

Make like King Kong as Big Ben bongs
Join the merry leavers’ buoyant conga
When the Big Ben bongs join the jubilant throng
morris dancing with the King of Tonga

ning-tong-ning-tong and piddle-aye-poh
heave-ho to the land of Spike Milligan
high five and bing bong bo to the Big Ben bro
fall drunk as skunks playing Spillikins

Then the next day when you’re sober
and had the chance to think it over
when you’ve got a thumping head,
meat sweats, hangover dread,
a faint suspicion you’ve been had --
that the future could be bad.
For deals and wealth you'll have to wait
an inkling Britain’s not all that great
Too fuckin late mate.
Those bongs have sealed your fate...

Oh well, C'est la vie!

Rosemary Dun and Helên Thomas

the culinary puffer fish as metaphor for my cutting words

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 16 Jan 2020 20:41:00 +0000

The Japanese word
‘sushi’ means ‘it is sour’
sometimes it’s lethal

blowfish or puffer
by another name fugu
often is fatal

prepare for repast
take out prandial peril
tetrodotoxin

deadly delicious
clean cuts render edible
go gall bladder, guts

bile free and spineless
sound bites edited; souped up
vitriol punctured

unsayable truths
filleted for consumption
in palatable portions

raw cyanide, sliced,
diced, redesigned, redefined
‘that’s nice’, served with rice

released November 29, 2019
Word by Helên Thomas
Sounds manipulated by Helên Thomas using samples donated by Owen J.
license
all rights reserved.
Buy from Bandcamp.

That's How Bees See

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 16 Jan 2020 20:33:00 +0000

Ultra violet
livid vivid
on a purple pollen flight path
blues are pinks
and pinks are yellow
ink blot blooms
in
busy body zoomz
traffic warden clad
flywayman bad
swag bag laden
violet raiding
“Pardon me madam!”
into snap dragons
and swooping
on lupins
taking their fill
of daffodil
gold
then back to the fold
dancing with glee
for queen and country
grid refs on honeycombed hexagon hoedown
then over
and out
in a sugar slurping swarm
all humbug like
humming bugs
sweet syringe tongued
sexing the flowers
lunch is not free
whose back is scratched
how is it to be?

Meanwhile in roses
on amber hued afternoons
free bees
cut leaves
taking life
with ease
not nine to five
hive jive
without care or comb
communal home
daily drone
mobile phone
just zzzz
and fat
happy
alone.

Both tracks are available to buy on Bandcamp

Ambient Mix For A Change

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 26 Nov 2019 17:42:00 +0000

Mixcloud link, just incase the widget isn't visible:

https://www.mixcloud.com/helenthomas/ambient-mix-for-a-change/

Playlist and buy links:

Air Fracture - Two Horizons

https://airfracture.bandcamp.com/track/two-horizons

Bonobo - Terrapin

Google it.

Farmacia - Aldo Bonzi

https://farmacia.bandcamp.com/track/aldo-bonzi

Array Access - Variation 3 [Exclusive Download]

Free download: https://soundcloud.com/novafuture/array-access-variation-3

EVE Online - New Moon

Free download: https://soundcloud.com/ccpgames/eve-online-new-moon

Manfred Hamill - Glock

https://manfredhamil.bandcamp.com/track/glock

Microvolt - Snowblind

https://www.beatport.com/track/snowblind-original/6651466

Novika And Pete Grace - Can't Resist

http://classic.beatport.com/track/cant-resist-original-mix/7602190

Helên Thomas - Poem About Everything (2018 mix)

https://helnthomas.bandcamp.com/track/poem-about-everything-2018-extended-mix

Brian Eno - Unfamiliar Wind (Leeks Hills)

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Unfamiliar-Wind-Leeks-Hills-Remastered/dp/B001IQAT7O

Air Fracture - Early Works 2

https://airfracture.bandcamp.com/track/early-works-2

Boards of Canada - Olson (version 3)

http://classic.beatport.com/track/olson-version-3-original-mix/169431

Electrovember

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 16 Nov 2019 18:22:00 +0000

https://www.mixcloud.com/helenthomas/electrovember/

Playlist with buy links

Zastranienie - Golden Sunrise

https://zastranienie.bandcamp.com/track/golden-sunrise

Jensen Interceptor - Natural Control

https://soundcloud.com/jensen-interceptor/natural-control

ARP 220 - State of Decay

https://fumerec.bandcamp.com/track/state-of-decay

Distorted Drill and Phasz - Acid Jungle

https://bassagendarecordings.bandcamp.com/track/acid-jungle

Kara Keith - Fun

https://karakeith.bandcamp.com/track/fun

Corinne - Pourquoi Pourquoi

https://music.apple.com/us/album/pourquoi-pourquoi-single/1177572427

Mängelexemplar - Prinz und Prinzessin

https://carisma-studios.bandcamp.com/track/prinz-und-prinzessin-2

Void Republic - Strays

https://voidrepublic.bandcamp.com/track/strays

Jensen Interceptor - Soft Cel

https://stilleben-records.bandcamp.com/track/jensen-interceptor-sof-cel

Nexus 23 - Transform (Beatprozessor's Dirty Bass Transform)

https://bassagendarecordings.bandcamp.com/track/transform-beatprozessors-dirty-bass-transform

Distorted Drill and Phasz - Didgeridoo Commander

https://bassagendarecordings.bandcamp.com/track/didgeridoo-commander

Zastranienie - The Gate of Redemption

https://zastranienie.bandcamp.com/track/the-gate-of-redemption

tags : electronic, techno, dark electro, minimal synth, electro, alternative, coldwave

Firework Poem

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 05 Nov 2019 20:13:00 +0000

'Everybody Everywhere Stomp Your Feet!' and other poems by Helên Thomas by Helên Thomas

Halloween Party Food Ideas Anyone?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 28 Oct 2019 18:11:00 +0000

The third stanza from 'Season To Taste' from the EP
'Frowned Sounds'.
helnthomas.bandcamp.com/album/frowned-sounds

In autumn: sundried, road-kill casserole,
Cow-bar culled, magpie inspected, pecked,
Blood marinated potage of pothole,
Maggot-riced, rock salted and flat packed,
Morsels tweezer-peeled from tarmac’s clefts,
With sulphur tufts and rare game braised, I served
A spill of tongues with juicy marrow cracked,
Then Granny Smith’s most vile windfall dessert:
A boozy, worm-holed sludge of apples bruised,
For raisins: drunk wasps and blue bloated flies,
With nutty gravel crumble, clay clods baked;
Poured septic sauce called ‘custard’ on the side.
Three portions later, to my sad surprise,
My favours failed to bring forth your demise.