Our book group just read “Lean In: Women, Work and the Will to Lead” by Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg. According to it’s Amazon descrip, she (and let’s be honest, her writing and research team) examine “why women’s progress in achieving leadership roles has stalled, explains the root causes, and offers compelling, commonsense solutions that can empower women to achieve their full potential.” Does it do that? Totes.

Some of the more interesting points in the book have to do with…..wait for it…..sex and relationships:

Research supports [the idea] that equality between partners leads to happier relationships. When husbands do more housework, wives are less depressed, marital conflicts decrease, and satisfaction rises. When women work outside the home and share breadwinning duties, couples are more likely to stay together. In fact, the risk of divorce reduces by about half when a wife earns half the income and a husband does half the  housework. For men, participating in child rearing fosters the development of patience, empathy, and adaptability, characteristics that benefit all of their relationships. For women, earning money increases their decision-making ability in the home, protects them in case of divorce, and can be important security in later years, as women often outlive their husbands. Also — and many might find this the most motivating factor — couples who share domestic responsibilities have more sex. It may be counterintuitive, but the best way for a man to make a pass at his wife might be to do the dishes.

Yeah, what she said! (And these are not just Sandberg’s observations — all of the above points are meticulously footnoted with their research-study sources  – as is the entire book.)

There has been some major poo-pooing of this book, by both men and women, some who didn’t even read it, some who even consider themselves feminists! Do all of her points and suggestions apply to every single woman in America? No. Is it weird that she doesn’t openly thank any of her nannies in the acknowledgements? Yes. But how anyone can argue against the call for more real equality between the sexes — and that’s all this book really does — is beyond us. Jessica Valenti said it best: “Here’s a nationally known woman calling herself a feminist, writing what will be a wildly popular book with feminist ideas, encouraging other women to be feminists. And we’re worried she has too much influence? That she’s too . . . ambitious?” Yeah, what she said!

The only legitimate complaint that has anything to do with Sandberg that we’ve come across is the fact that the company Sandberg leads allows Facebook pages like “Fly Kicking Sluts in the Uterus,” “Kicking your Girlfriend in the Fanny because she won’t make you a Sandwich,” “Violently Raping Your Friend Just for Laughs,” “Raping your Girlfriend” (to name a few) — which feature pictures of battered women — while it bans images of breastfeeding mothers. This week, in “An Open Letter to Facebook” published on HuffPo, 43 women’s groups urged Facebook to apply the same standard to gender-based hate speech as they do to content that is violently racist, homophobic, Islamophobic, and anti-Semitic: “In a world in which hundreds of thousands of women are assaulted daily and where intimate partner violence  remains one of the leading causes of death for women around the world, it is not possible to sit on the fence. We call on Facebook to make the only responsible decision and take swift, clear action on this issue, to bring your policy on rape and domestic violence into line with your own moderation goals and guidelines.” Yeah, what they said!

• Nerve: Does a higher IQ lead to kinkier sex?
• The Frisky: An erotica eBook with…Rep. Michele Bachmann as the inspiration?
• YourTango: Take the Durex Sex Survey!
• HuffPo Women: Are shirtless men the new big thing in advertising?
• PopSugar: The 10 rules of the wedding hook-up.
• How About We: An ode to long walks on the beach (video comp).
• 150 Shades of Play: Our new “Beginner’s Guide to Kink” won an IPPY Award!

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it. This week, a reader asks Lauri:

I have, for lack of a better word, a f*ck buddy who I see pretty regularly. We primarily engage in bondage, dom/sub play… basically, if one of us suggests something, and the other is interested, we’ll try it. I’ve made it very clear from the beginning that I was not interested in any kind of relationship outside of the bedroom, although I do have the suspicion he may be developing feelings for me. Any sign of emotion I politely turn down and then usually leave.

In my dream we lived in the same building, and I lived on the floor below his. Everything in both our apartments was very clean, modern, white/bright, and sterile looking. He was on top of me, missionary position, and we were fooling around. He was talking dirty, calling me dirty names, all the things I usually like. I told him to stop, and when he asked me what was wrong, I told him nothing, I just wasn’t in the mood. I then told him I had to go home and feed my pet or it was going to eat me.

I took the elevator downstairs and in my apartment was either a white wolf or a white tiger. It was showing signs of anger, and I remember being extremely scared of it as I fed it chunks of raw meat. As I fed it, it and myself started to calm down, but I was still very tense and afraid of it killing me. I woke up still feeling tense and on edge.

Lauri:  VERY interesting dream. Let’s dive into it and see what insight it has for you regarding your current situation. The building you live in together is the relationship you have built. It’s not a committed relationship, but it is a relationship nonetheless. Since you live below him in the dream, you must play the submissive one in your relationship.

The clean and sterile look and feel of the apartments is your perspective of the relationship: don’t muddy it up with emotions. You telling him to stop in the dream may really be you telling yourself to stop the relationship in real life. Remember, dreams are a conversation with the self happening in one’s own mind so whatever is said in a dream is something you are saying to yourself.

You also tell him you have to feed your pet or it will eat you. THAT is very interesting. Your pet represents the bondage you like to engage in; it is a “pet” project, so to speak. You need to feed it or it will eat you. This is all about your need to feed this desire for BDSM play, and if you don’t feed that need, it will eat away at you until you do! This desire for BDSM is being shown to you in the form of a predatory animal because this is something you have to hunt down in order to bring into your life.

This part of you is angry at you and you fear it because YOU are angry that what you thought was a sterile, non-emotional relationship has turned on you, and you fear it will cause you problems. But just as you feared the predatory animal would hurt you, do you also fear you will get hurt if the relationship becomes emotional?

Also, you feared the animal would kill you. That tells me you fear that if the relationship became emotional, it would kill off who you are right now. The fear you experienced in the dream and the angst you felt upon waking need to be addressed. Sex and emotions are very hard to keep separate. At some point the two worlds will collide. It seems your dream is trying to show you that you can only feed one for so long before the other starts to eat away at you.

Want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning? Lauri’s latest book, Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, will give you the tools you need to become a Dream Expert too! Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it.

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Our contributor Jewely Hoxie studies Human Sexuality at the University of California Santa Cruz (read her blog here). She has this to say about the importance of taking turns…

I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in having this ever-present fantasy of succumbing to someone else completely — someone who’ll give me a pleasure power-hour. You know the kind I mean — all eyes on you, teasing as well as devouring. Well, what if I told you that you and your partner could both fulfill this fantasy for each other, all the time!? Taking turns doesn’t mean twiddling your thumbs while you wait not-so-patiently for your turn — it could actually be your answer to even more satisfying partner sex (and remember, sex doesn’t just mean intercourse). Here’s how and why…

1. Fewer Distractions, More Appreciation

• Seeing as taking turns is basically the opposite of 69, I have to mention this particular act, though I already covered the pleasures and perils of 69 earlier on this site. However, distractions are seen in other sex acts outside of 69. The passionate I-can’t-keep-my-hands-off-of-you act, and touching each other everywhere at the same time is great, but can also have its limitations. Completely embracing your partner’s touch may be difficult if you are also thinking about about what to do for them. You may run the risk of being too much in your own head — does my partner like this? Should I mix it up? Should I stay where I am? Etc etc. Sexual anxiety can quickly creep in.
• You can be fully in tune with your own body when it is your partner’s turn to pleasure you. Remember that concept of when you lose one sense, another is heightened? It is kind of like that — when you aren’t thinking about what to do next to your partner, you get to fully appreciate what they are doing for you.
• Finally, it’s a true exercise of the desire you have to pleasure your partner, as well as the admiration you have for what your partner can do for you.

2. Differing Tastes

• When it’s your turn to do the pleasuring, you get to create the sexual setting and performance all on your own. If you are both trying to turn each other on at the same time, you could get caught in a difference of mood. You may want to tease them, while they want to simply jump your bones that minute.
• If your partner likes to move one way and you like to go the other way, taking turns is a great way to engage in those separate preferences without having to fake that you like something and not actually get off. And hey, you might actually find yourself liking something new just because you love seeing how much they are enjoying themselves. That whole classical conditioning thing.

3. Team Building

• When you take turns getting each other off, you can’t simply rely on your amazing pheromone compatibility or staring deep into each other’s eyes. Taking turns brings you to a place where you get to really know what your partner likes physically. Technique matters more, because you can feel everything a lot more.
• It’s important to become experts at sex with each other. This means always educating yourself on what your partner enjoys and how you both fit into that.
• It fosters communication in bed! Taking turns creates an open space for conveying to one another what doesn’t work, what feels good, and what feels better (e.g., instead of both of you grabbing for each other’s genitals, she can guide your hand while you finger her).

4. No Guilt for Not Giving; No Dissatisfaction for Not Getting Yours, Too

It’s a win-win situation. ‘Nuff said.

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The wise and wonderful Figleaf had the following to say in response to our post, “Your Call: Should She and Her Boyf Go to An Orgy?”

I’m with M — assuming you can find some people who play that way then yeah, take it in stages.

And definitely make it clear to your partner that you’ll not only respect but back up his boundaries and that you expect him to do exactly the same for you.

Good reality check: If the orgy attendees are so amateur they don’t explain the house boundaries and ask about yours then you should politely excuse yourselves at the door and go back home. Because even if you didn’t get hurt someone else might, and you don’t really want to be there for that kind of shenanigans.

Another good guideline for declining: is there a beer keg? Is there an open bar? Is there other evidence that folks might get heavily under the influence? If so then go. Note: a glass of wine here and there is fine. Just be wary of heavy going. And if you or your partner are ordinarily partiers that’s fine too — later. But not at first, and really not till you know and trust the people who organize and attend the events.

Oh, finally, I mentioned at the top that you need to know and stand up for your partner’s boundaries as well as expecting him to know and stand up for yours. Part of this is because a reasonable number of women find they actually like the idea of an orgy once they get there and, um, relax their boundaries considerably. Meanwhile a reasonable number of men discover they’re not that comfortable, or not that comfortable that their partner is willing to go further than previously negotiated. Going in with the understanding that both partner’s boundaries are important is kind of a key. Save new ideas for next time.

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We believe that the quickie is one of the most underrated sex acts out there. Perhaps this is because everyone from Sting to porn producers to teen boys reciting baseball statistics in bed are convinced that going long is always better. Here are five reasons why, sometimes, less is more.

1. You Need Your Beauty Sleep
Research consistently shows that people would choose a good night’s sleep over sex. And sure, when you crawl into bed at midnight and, with a heavy heart, set your alarm for six a.m., then an hour or two of sensual tantric love-making doesn’t sound that appealing. But what about five or ten minutes of intense passion followed by a sleep-inducing orgasm? Now we’re talking.

2. Women Don’t Always Need As Much Time As You Think
We’ve all heard that women at least need thirty minutes of extended foreplay in order to truly enjoy sex. But then how come during masturbation, women climax, on average, in less than four minutes? (Guys take an average of two to three minutes to orgasm.) Teach your partner your secret self-love techniques and then see if you can set a personal best!

3. Quickies Are Hot
The pace of a quickie creates a sense of urgency and need, and this is (a) incredibly hot and (b) often missing from the kind of leisurely, routine sex that is common in long-term relationships. You get extra urgency points if you leave some clothes on and have your quickie in a hallway or bathroom, etc.

4. Quickie Erotica
Need help? Check out the book Got a Minute: 60-Second Erotica, edited by Alison Tyler. The super-short erotic stories will help get you in the mood fast. Erotica is not for everyone—if you’re like us, you might find yourself rolling your eyes at the cheesy plot twists or characterization—but quickie erotica will be over before you have time to critique it!

5. More Quickies = More Sex
We often hear from women in long-term relationships that if sex didn’t last so long—we’re talking ten minutes instead of close to an hour—they’d be up for more of it. And research backs this up: One study found that the most satisfying intercourse for couples lasts for anywhere between three and thirteen minutes. Plus, more sex—no matter what kind of sex it is—tends to make you feel good about your sex life, which leads to even more sex.

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We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE* Advice Service!

Dear Em & Lo,

Last night, while watching a movie with an orgy/group sex party in it, my long term BF suggested that it would be sexy to try something like that, expect only have sex with each other (no swinging). He likes the idea of having sex while other people watch and I admit it is exciting to try something new that will spice things up and bring us closer.

However, I am a bit nervous about some things and also have no idea where to go to find such a party! I am nervous about being naked in front of strangers, my BF wanting to have sex with someone else, or someone trying to join us. Any advice would be great!

– Eyes Wide Shut

How should E.W.S. proceed? Leave your feedback in the comments section below.

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aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Don’t turn your back on someone who has been loyal to you for years — this might refer to love, or it may apply simply to a friendship or business relationship. Shame on you for even considering it, by the way! Think of everything they’ve ever done for you. Sure, they may be completely annoying in their own special way, but that’s part of their charm. Don’t walk away from them, not if you want us to talk to you again.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Hey big spender, put your wallet away. If it’s your hard-earned dollars winning someone over, are they really worth winning? Even if it’s your easily-come-by trust fund dollars doing the winning? Okay, so let’s just say, hypothetically, that they really are that hot, and you really are that superficial. But how are you going to hold onto your gold-digging hottie next time Ben Bernanke’s forecast doesn’t agree with your stock portfolio? Plan for the future by being generous of heart but stingy of wallet for a while. If you find yourself tempted to spend!-spend!-spend!, then feel free to buy our books!

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Put on the charm and do your dance this week. (Wait, you have a dance? Is this something you do in your underwear in front of your bedroom mirror? Does it involve spanking your own ass with a hairbrush? Or is this “dance” something you do out in public, like some kind of macho-b.s. end zone spaz-out that embarrasses all your friends?) Uh, maybe don‘t do your dance. Putting on the charm, however, is fine by us, and will probably get you some good attention.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You’re living Les Liaisons Dangereuse this week. You are Madame de Tourvel (or Michelle Pfeiffer, for those of who prefer your literary classics in easily digestible movie form) and your wooer is Vicomte de Valmont (John Malkovich)–devastatingly romantic and heartbreaking on the surface, but manipulative and cynical underneath. Beware of love letters, especially those written on parchment with feather quills.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’ve got a real craving for chocolate and security this week. The candy aisle at your grocery store will take care of the chocolate. As for finding stability, that’s a little trickier. Don’t throw yourself at just anyone who seems willing. Get to know potential partners before moving forward. (If you look up “moving forward” in a thesaurus, it’ll say “doing it like they do on the Discovery Channel.”)

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Don’t commit to anything or anyone this week. That means no money down for a summer time share, no acceptance of invitations to any Breaking Bad parties in August, no promises of lifelong fidelity, and no agreeing to reciprocal oral sex either.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Stop making excuses and join in the fun. Get out and take part in some damn social activities. Don’t waste time sitting at home alone watching reruns of The Ghost Whisperer on Tivo, not when this is such a great week for romance! Now, if that little motivational speech doesn’t light a fire under your ass, then maybe it’s time to get a happy pill prescription. Or at least some chocolate. (See Leo.)

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You’ll want to push this week, like a pregnant lady in labor. But when you get pushy with love, you start to make faces and grunting noises, much like a pregnant lady in labor. Have you ever watched a live birth, like on TLC? It’s not exactly sexy. This week, you’ve just got to let the love come on its own. Save the faces and grunting for the miracle of birth–or at least for the sex you’ll hopefully get next week as a reward for not being pushy this week.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You will find yourself attracted to someone much older than you…or much younger than you. If you offer to help them out in some way (be creative: everybody needs a little help sometimes) you’ll find yourself in a position to ask them out. And if you do find yourself in that position, you damn well better ask them out, or else this entire eerily accurate horoscope will have been for naught.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
This week you’ll suddenly find yourself attracted to someone you meet via work. But it’s not necessarily a good week for this. If you’ve got a performance review coming up–or if the “via work” connection is that the hottie in question is married to your boss–then we suggest taking a sick day and staying home to jerk off to soap operas.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
We hope your town has some kind of charity run coming up. Or even a charity chicken dance. Because if you take part in some sort of charity event this week you might meet someone special. If you can’t find anything pre-existing, then we suggest you give fate a helping hand and organize one of your own. It’s not cheating if we say it’s not.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
It’s time to make a romantic decision. Your heart is racing and you aren’t sure exactly what to do next. You probably have to go to the bathroom real bad, too. But if you follow your heart, revisit the moral of every romantic comedy ever made, and live by the big book of cliches, then you will become America’s favorite horse mouth, Julia Roberts! Okay, okay, you’ll just find yourself in a committed relationship–that’s kind of crazy too, but in a good way.

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More than half of all women have put off sex — even when they were in the mood — because they felt too fat. A recent study showed that how a woman feels about her body has more influence on libido than even menopause — and we have the letters in our inbox to back this up. (Those rare women who always feel good about their bodies probably stress about how “normal” their labia are!)

A new book, Not Tonight Dear, I Feel Fat, by sex columnist Michael Alvear — he was also the co-host of HBO’s show The Sex Inspectors — helps women get past their negative feelings about their bodies in order to truly enjoy themselves in bed. Here are seven of Alvear’s tips for sparking your libido next time you’re feeling bad about your stomach/hips/butt/insert body part you obsess over:

1. Speak up.

Being still, quiet and passive are ways of withdrawing from activity—leaving nothing left to focus on but your body. The secret to managing your mind is bed is to be active: talk, engage, exchange. Move so you can stop being a sight to see and be a force to be felt.

2. Lower your estimate.

Research shows that women with body anxiety overestimate the size and shape of their body by at least 25%. When you’re focusing on your body, apply the 25% margin of error. Your butt just got 1/4 smaller than you thought.

3. Get active, then get frisky.

Exercise doesn’t just affect your abs. It also raises hormones linked with arousal—estrogen, prolactin, and, cortisol—particularly 30 min. after the workout. Plan your sexy evening before hitting the gym, to make the most of its effect.

4. Sexual competence builds body confidence.

Women who consider themselves “good in bed” report far less anxiety, even when researchers held their weight constant. Feeling good about what your body can do is the first step to feeling good about your body. [Editor's note: For expanding your expertise, may we humbly suggest our new book, 150 Shades of Play?]

5. Share your fantasy.

Fantasize your way out of your appearance anxiety. Go light or go Fifty Shades of Grey, but go. Inhabiting new people and situations makes you far less likely to focus on your thighs.

6. Develop erotic cues.

From smelling your favorite aftershave to just having a heart-to-heart talk with your guy, finding your body’s cues triggers a response that brings your desires to conscious awareness.

7. Find your best light.

No supermodel can save harsh lighting, so take time to do a room makeover, keeping lighting soft and low wattage. Think about installing a dimmer switch—or even a strobe light.

Not Tonight Dear, I Feel Fat by Michael Alvear is on sale now

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