In 1997, Steve Jobs returned to Apple, the company he co-founded, and proceeded to lead one of the most remarkable turnarounds in history. As CEO, he brought Apple back from the brink of bankruptcy, aiding its transformation into the most valuable company on the planet. 

All of this success is even more impressive when we consider that, just 12 years earlier, Jobs was forced out of the company he helped build.

Jobs had a reputation as brilliant and inspiring--but he was also known to be overbearing, impatient, and petulant. Circumstances had eventually become so difficult between him and Apple's board of directors that the group stripped him of major responsibilities and rendered him nearly powerless. Jobs, feeling betrayed, left the company and founded a new startup named NeXT. 

Notably, a number of high-ranking Apple employees followed their former boss to his new company. At the time, Jobs was a cocky, 31-year-old multimillionaire who was almost always convinced he was right. He was harsh and demanding, and he could be very demeaning. So why would this group of sharp, focused individuals leave secure positions to continue working with him?

Andy Cunningham gives us a hint. As Jobs's PR agent, she helped launch the Macintosh and continued to work with Jobs at NeXT and Pixar. I spoke to Cunningham to understand what she treasured about working with her famous former boss. 

"I spent five years working closely with Steve and it was phenomenal," Cunningham told me. "What people on the outside saw--the inspiring interviews and brilliant keynotes--that was who he was. And while he could also be very harsh, it was an honor to work with him. The great things in life involve sacrifice, but the tradeoff makes it all worth it.

"Steve touched me emotionally every day with amazement, anger, and satisfaction all at once. He took me way beyond where I ever thought I would go."

If you ever saw Jobs deliver one of his famous product launches, you witnessed this ability in action. Jobs knew how to tap into the sentiments of his audience. Consumers wanted Apple devices because of the way those products made them feel.

Critics, though, argue that whatever success Jobs achieved was despite his inability to deal well with emotions--both his and those of others.

So, was Steve Jobs emotionally intelligent?

Before answering that question, we need to understand the core concept of emotional intelligence.

The four abilities

To understand the full scope of emotional intelligence, it's helpful to break it down into four general abilities.

Self-awareness is the ability to identify and understand your own emotions and how they affect you. This means recognizing how emotions impact your thoughts and actions (and vice versa) and how your feelings can help or hinder you from achieving your goals.

Self-management is the ability to manage emotions in a way that allows you to accomplish a task, reach a goal, or provide a benefit. It includes the quality of self-control, which is the ability to control your emotional reactions.

Social awareness is the ability to accurately perceive the feelings of others and understand how those feelings influence behavior.

Relationship management is the ability to get the most out of your connections with others. It includes the ability to influence through your communication and behavior. Instead of trying to force others into action, you use insight and persuasion to motivate them to act on their own accord.

Each of these four abilities is interconnected and naturally complements the others; however, one isn't always dependent on another. A person will naturally excel at certain aspects of the four abilities and display weaknesses in others. For example, you may be great at perceiving your own emotions, yet struggle to manage those feelings. The key to strengthening your emotional intelligence is first to identify your personal traits and tendencies and then to develop strategies to maximize your strengths and minimize your weaknesses.

How about Steve Jobs?

Getting back to our question: Was Steve Jobs emotionally intelligent?

He certainly found a way to motivate and inspire many of those he worked with, along with millions of consumers around the globe--even across language and cultural barriers. These are all signs of exceptional social awareness, as well as the ability to influence, which is a key aspect of relationship management.

But what about Jobs's communication style, which angered and frustrated many? He had become known for wild emotional swings and was perceived as arrogant and narcissistic. His manner pained many--including his family and others with whom he was close. Jobs himself blamed this on a lack of self-control. When his biographer Walter Isaacson asked him why he was sometimes so mean, Jobs replied: "This is who I am, and you can't expect me to be someone I'm not."

But Isaacson, who spent a significant amount of time with Jobs over the course of two years, and who interviewed more than a hundred of the famous entrepreneur's friends, relatives, competitors, and colleagues, believed differently.

"When he hurt people, it was not because he was lacking in emotional awareness," writes Isaacson. "Quite the contrary: he could size people up, understand their inner thoughts, and know how to relate to them, cajole them, or hurt them at will."

Would Jobs have changed a few things if he could go back and do it again? It's impossible to say. But in his story lies a vital lesson: Emotional intelligence manifests itself in various ways. In addition to deciding which abilities you wish to develop, you must also choose how you're going to use them.

It's important to realize that just as "traditionally" intelligent people have different personality types, so do those who possess high emotional intelligence. Direct or subtle, extroverted or introverted, naturally empathetic or not--none of these factors determines your EQ.

Developing your emotional acumen is about identifying your natural abilities, tendencies, strengths, and weaknesses. It means learning to understand, manage, and maximize all of those traits so you can accurately perceive how your emotions affect your thoughts, words, and actions (and vice versa), and how those words and actions affect others.

Work hard to sharpen your EQ and put it into practice--but don't do so at the expense of your principles. Rather, use your moral compass to direct your efforts and allow ethics and values to guide your development.

Because that's the best kind of emotional intelligence: striving to cultivate a mindset of continuous growth, and using your knowledge in a way you can be proud of.

Enjoy this post? It's an excerpt from my new book, EQ Applied, which uses fascinating research and compelling stories to illustrate what emotional intelligence looks like in everyday life.

A version of this article originally appeared on Inc.com.

Image credit: Surian Soosay via Flickr

"People leave managers, not companies."

We've all heard it. Many of us have experienced it. But what makes people want to leave a manager in the first place? And if you happen to lead a team, what qualities can make you better?

Those are the types of questions Google set out to answer. In 2008, they began research into what makes a good manager, code-named Project Oxygen. They originally identified eight behaviors that were common among their highest performing managers, and began training all managers to develop those behaviors. Over time, Google saw a marked improvement in key metrics such as employee turnover, satisfaction, and performance.

But as the company grew, the demands on managers also increased. Google continued their research. They refined it. They learned more.

"We found that, over time, the qualities of a great manager at Google had grown and evolved with along with the company," wrote Melissa Harrell and Lauren Barbato earlier this year. Harrell works as a staffing services manager and Barbato as a people analyst. 

After taking a second look at its research, Google then "refreshed [its] behaviors according to internal research and Google and [employee] feedback, and put them to the test."

This resulted in a new list, identifying two completely new behaviors (Nos. 9 and 10) and updating two others (Nos. 3 and 6).

Here are the 10 behaviors of Google's best managers, along with some practical tips on how to develop these behaviors. (You can find more detailed advice on developing your management skills in my new book, EQ Applied: The Real-World Guide to Emotional Intelligence.)

1. Is a good coach

A good coach avoids the trap of solving every problem for their team as soon as it arises. 

Rather they use these problems as teaching moments. They guide and share insights at the right time, letting their team gain valuable experience along the way.

2. Empowers team and does not micromanage

Everybody hates a micromanager. In contrast, a good team lead gives their people enough freedom--to explore new ideas, to experiment, and to develop (and adapt) their own working style.

In addition, great managers make sure their people have the tools and flexibility they need to do their jobs.

3. Creates an inclusive team environment, showing concern for success and well-being

Great managers make it a priority to build trust in their teams.

As Google puts it:

In a team with high psychological safety, teammates feel safe to take risks around their team members. They feel confident that no one on the team will embarrass or punish anyone else for admitting a mistake, asking a question, or offering a new idea.

(More on how to build this type of environment here.)

4. Is productive and results-oriented

The best managers make those around them better.

They realize what their teams are capable of, and they use emotional intelligence to motivate their people and help them realize their potential.

5. Is a good communicator--listens and shares information

Great managers are great listeners--this enables understanding. They also share what they can, realizing transparency is beneficial for the team as a whole.

They share sincere and specific praise, early and often. But they also don't hold back from giving necessary (negative) feedback--making sure to frame it in a way that is constructive and easy to learn from.

6. Supports career development and discusses performance

Great managers are invested in their people. They provide career path options, realizing not everyone wants to follow the same road. 

They also don't hold their people back for personal gain. Rather, they support team members and help them to reach their goals.

7. Has a clear vision/strategy for the team

Great managers know where they're going, but they make sure the whole team knows, too--rather than keeping them in the dark.

They are also careful to communicate "scope," realistic expectations as to what specific actions are needed to execute a strategy, and each team member's role in delivering.

8. Has key technical skills to help advise the team

Great bosses understand a job well and are skilled at the work they oversee. 

If an effective manager is brought into a new department, they take time in the beginning to familiarize themselves with their people's everyday work and challenges. This earns them the respect of their team.

9. Collaborates across [the company]

Some managers create silos, running their teams with an "us versus them" mentality, competing against other teams within the company.

Great managers have the ability to see the big picture, and work for the good of a company as a whole.

10. Is a strong decision maker

Great managers take the lead. They make the tough decisions, and make sure everyone understands the reasons behind those decisions.

Then, they commit to following through.

Of course, the first step--identifying effective manager behaviors (and tips for developing them)--is easy. Execution is the hard part.

But it's managers like these that will help your people--and your company--accomplish great things.

Enjoy this post? Check out my new book, EQ Applied, which uses fascinating research and compelling stories to illustrate what emotional intelligence looks like in everyday life.

A version of this article originally appeared on Inc.com.

Nowadays, you find references to emotional intelligence everywhere, along with advice as to how sharpening your "EQ" (emotional quotient) can dramatically increase your chances of success.

But there's only one question:

What is emotional intelligence?

Basically, emotional intelligence is the ability to identify, understand, and effectively manage emotions--both your own and those of others. 

Of course, we could spend hours talking about what that means. But in my new book, EQ Applied: The Real-World Guide to Emotional Intelligence, I distill the entire concept into a single, even simpler sentence:

Emotional intelligence is the ability to make emotions work for you, instead of against you.

This definition is powerful because it emphasizes the fact that emotional intelligence is a practical skill. It's not just understanding how emotions work--it's being able to use that knowledge to help yourself and others. 

To understand the full scope of emotional intelligence, it's helpful to break it down into four general abilities.

Self-awareness

Self-awareness is the ability to identify and understand your own emotions and how they affect you. This means recognizing how emotions impact your thoughts and actions (and vice versa) and how your feelings can help or hinder you from achieving your goals. 

Self-awareness includes the ability to recognize your emotional tendencies, strengths, and weaknesses. 

Self-management

Self-management is the ability to manage emotions in a way that allows you to accomplish a task, reach a goal, or provide a benefit. It includes the quality of self-control, which is the ability to control your emotional reactions. 

Since emotions involve your natural, instinctive feelings and are influenced by your unique brain chemistry, you can't always control how you feel. But you can control the way you act (or refrain from acting) upon those feelings. Practicing self-control can therefore reduce the chance you say or do something you later regret, especially in an emotionally charged situation. 

Over a longer period of time, self-management can even help you proactively shape your emotional tendencies. 

Social awareness

Social awareness is the ability to accurately perceive the feelings of others and understand how those feelings influence behavior. 

Social awareness is founded on the quality of empathy, which allows you to see and feel things from the perspective of others. Empathy keeps you in tune with others' wants and needs, and it equips you to better satisfy those desires, increasing the value you have to offer. Social awareness also provides you with a more complete picture of others and helps you understand the role emotions play in your relationships. 

Relationship management

Relationship management is the ability to get the most out of your connections with others. 

It includes the ability to influence through your communication and behavior. Instead of trying to force others into action, you use insight and persuasion to motivate them to act on their own accord. 

Relationship management also involves bringing emotional benefits to others. Doing so gradually increases the level of trust and strengthens the bond between you and your partners. 

Working together

Each of the four abilities is interconnected and naturally complements the others; however, one isn't always dependent on another. You will naturally excel at certain aspects of the four abilities and display weaknesses in others. For example, you may be great at perceiving your own emotions, yet you struggle to manage those feelings. The key to strengthening your emotional intelligence is first to identify your personal traits and tendencies and then to develop strategies to maximize your strengths and minimize your weaknesses. 

Consider the trait of social awareness. The ability to anticipate and understand the feelings of others can help you avoid creating unnecessary offense, a skill that makes you more likable and draws others to you. But that same attribute can become a weakness if it inhibits your ability to speak up when you should or stops you from giving critical (yet helpful) feed- back for fear of how others will react. 

High social awareness is therefore most effective when it is tempered with the other three abilities. Self-awareness helps you identify when this perception of others' feelings is holding you back from saying or doing something that could be helpful. Self-management involves preparing yourself for such situations and cultivating the habits that motivate you to action. Finally, the ability to manage relationships will help you say whatever you need to say in a way that accomplishes your purpose while increasing influence, mitigating hurt feelings, and building trust. 

So, what does emotional intelligence look like in real life?

Here are just a few examples:

• By searching for common ground, and relaying a sense of vulnerability, Apple co-founder Steve Jobs perfectly responded to an insult and inspired others.

• Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella sent an extraordinary email to encourage his employees--after they committed an epic fail.

• The FBI's former lead kidnap investigator used the power of empathy to negotiate with hardened criminals and save hundreds of lives.

These examples illustrate the power of emotional intelligence, but you'll have plenty of chances to see it in your own life as well.

You'll also have opportunities galore to build your EQ. As you learn to identify your natural abilities, tendencies, strengths, and weaknesses, you can use that data to inform personal strategies to manage your thoughts, words, and actions--and use these to achieve your goals.

Achieve this, and you'll be making emotions work for you, instead of against you. 

Enjoy this post? Check out my new book, EQ Applied, which uses fascinating research and compelling stories to illustrate what emotional intelligence looks like in everyday life.

A version of this post originally appeared on Inc.com.

Howard Durdle recently contacted PayPal to let them know his wife had died and that her credit account should be closed. 

Three weeks later, he received an unbelievable response, addressed to his wife.

"Dear Mrs Lindsay Durdle," the letter began. 

"This is a default notice...You are in breach of condition 15.4(c) of your agreement with PayPal Credit as we have received notice that you are deceased. In accordance with condition 15.4(c), we are entitled to close your account, terminate your agreement and demand repayment of the full amount outstanding."

Incredulous, Mr. Durdle shared the insensitive letter in a Facebook post.

"What empathy-lacking machine sent this?" he asked.

Once informed, PayPal immediately reached out to Mr. Durdle to apologize.

"As soon as our teams became aware of this mistake, we contacted Mr. Durdle directly to offer our support, cleared the outstanding debt and closed down his wife's account as he requested," the company told the New York Times. "We have also urgently reviewed the company's internal processes and have made changes to ensure that an insensitive error of this nature never happens again."

This was surely an egregious mistake on PayPal's part, but there's a much larger lesson at stake here. 

How emotional intelligence could have made things better

While PayPal's mistake is getting lots of press, the truth is companies send out similar letters all the time.

How can we do better?

Emotional intelligence, the ability to identify, understand, and manage emotions can help. 

According to the Times, Mr. Durdle said he was informed by phone that the letter could have been due to a software glitch, a poor letter template, or human error. That simple information can be used as a catalyst to improve your own company's processes, and keep from making similar missteps in the future.

Here's how:

1. Fix your automation.

Most large companies use software to generate automatic responses to payment problems. 

But as this story illustrates, not all problems are created equal: Sickness or a death in the family requires higher sensitivity and a human touch. By taking time now to make sure you're not using automated processes in such cases, you save customers (and yourself) pain in the future.

2. Fix your templates.

One of the things that sticks out about PayPal's letter is the attempt to use legal and corporate speak to intimidate. Large companies may need to use some type of form letter in various situations, but they don't have to be written like this. 

Rather, make sure your form letters use empathy and sound like they're written by a real person, rather than a money-grabbing corporate machine. Doing so will help you establish rapport with the intended recipient, and have a much better chance of motivating them to positive action.

3. Fix your training.

The single most important thing you can do to prevent mistakes like this one is to train your people to deal with others with emotional intelligence. 

For example, in this case the initial PayPal employee whom Mr. Durdle contacted could have flagged the case and made sure any follow through was appropriate to the situation. Doing so may have actually inspired customer loyalty, instead of outrage.

Additionally, with the right guidance, employees can be trained to catch and fix potential problem scenarios before they play out in real life.

Hopefully, PayPal learned its lesson--but it's a chance for your company to learn, too: In a world where few companies show emotional intelligence, following simple tips like these can help you connect with your customers and stand out for the right reasons.

Enjoy this post? Check out my book, EQ Applied, which uses fascinating research and compelling stories to illustrate what emotional intelligence looks like in real life. 

A version of this article originally appeared on Inc.com.

Our emotions influence practically every decision we make. That's why it's so important to understand emotions and how they work--and learn how to keep them under control.

In my new book, EQ Applied: The Real-World Guide to Emotional Intelligence, I outline a series of simple practices that will instantly enhance your ability to manage your emotions, and the emotions of others. Practices like asking yourself the right questions to build self-awareness, or taking a pause in an emotional moment to avoid saying or doing something you might regret. 

You can even combine these two methods to great effect: By asking yourself the right question, at the right moment, you can achieve greater emotional balance.

I actually learned this trick from a very unlikely source:

Comedian and television host Craig Ferguson.

Years ago, Ferguson gave the following advice in an interview: 

There are three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything:

Does this need to be said?

Does this need to be said by me?

Does this need to be said by me, now?

With enough practice, it only takes a few seconds to go through these questions mentally. (Ferguson quips that it took him three marriages to learn that lesson.) 

For me, this quick mental dialogue is a lifesaver. 

For years I struggled with the tendency to speak too quickly, without thinking things through. But this three-question method helps me avoid saying or doing things I later regret--like sending an angry email or judging a situation before I've gotten full perspective.

At the same time, this method doesn't discourage me from speaking up when appropriate; there are times when the answer to all three questions is a resounding yes--even when what I need to say isn't comfortable for me or the recipient. When those times come, this method allows me to speak with confidence and to be assertive when it counts.

But maybe your tendency is the opposite. If you naturally hesitate to voice your opinion, the last thing you want to do is discourage yourself from speaking up. Instead, you may use the following question to help manage your emotional response: If I don't say this now, will I regret it later? 

These are just two examples. The key is to first use questions and reflection to get to know your habits and tendencies. Once you build this type of self-awareness, you can brainstorm your own questions, with the goal of keeping your emotions balanced. 

So, the next time you're tempted to speak out of turn, or make an off-color joke, or say or do anything else that could easily come back to haunt you, ask yourself:

• Does this need to be said?

• Does this need to be said by me?

• Does this need to be said by me, now?

Simple, quick, smart...and will save you lots of pain in the long run.

Enjoy this post? Check out my book, EQ Applied, which uses fascinating research and compelling stories to illustrate what emotional intelligence looks like in real life. 

A version of this article originally appeared on Inc.com.

Image credit: Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, United States of America (Craig Ferguson) [CC BY-SA 2.0 (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons (Creative Commons license)

The piano scene from Big.

I was only 10 years old the first time I watched it. In the film, Tom Hanks plays a young boy who makes a wish "to be big," and then ages to adulthood overnight. Hanks's brilliant performance is exemplified in that two-minute scene, as he demonstrates the power of a great actor to bring an imaginary character to life--and in turn inspire an entire generation to love the movies.

That role in Big earned Hanks his first Oscar nomination for best actor, but it wouldn't be his last. In fact, Hanks has gone on to become one of the most recognized and honored actors of all time.

But it wasn't always that way. There was a time when Hanks was better known for his roles in more forgettable movies like Turner & Hooch and Joe Versus the Volcano. (Although, admittedly, I love both films.)

So how did Hanks go from making box office bombs to critically acclaimed hits? In a recent interview with John Oliver at the Tribeca Film Festival, the accomplished actor talked about the pivotal change he had to make.

The Power of One Word

Speaking about the variety of film roles he was being offered, Hanks had this to say (as reported by Business Insider):

I realized...that I had to start saying a very, very difficult word to people, which was "no."

The odd lesson for that is, I figured out that's how you end up making the favorable work you do.... Saying yes, then you just work. But saying no means you made the choice of the type of story you wanted to tell and the type of character you want to play.

There's a lot of wisdom in these words--and not just for actors.

When I started my business some years ago, I literally took whatever work I could get my hands on. Living in a foreign country with a family to feed, I had no choice. But as time went on, I established my brand and gained more freedom--especially in deciding which clients and jobs I wanted to focus my efforts on.

And let me tell you, there's no better feeling than having that freedom. But you have to take advantage of it.

Others have touted the remarkable power of that two-letter-word. For example, Jony Ive, Apple's design chief and the man Steve Jobs once called his "spiritual partner," said that Jobs would ask him the same question almost every day:

"How many times did you say no today?"

It's that ability to decide when to say no, says Ive, that made Jobs "the most remarkably focused person I've ever met in my life."

Putting It Into Practice

Whether you're an entrepreneur, a manager or team lead, or even an employee, you're faced with choices about your work on a daily basis. Should I take that meeting? Do I really want to take on this client or project? Should I focus on this task at the expense of the other?

From time to time, it pays to take a moment to think about what you really want to accomplish. Not just today but over the next weeks, months, and years. Allow that focused thinking to guide your decision making.

Because, remember:

Every time you say yes to something you don't really want, you're actually saying no to the things you do.

Enjoy this post? Check out my book, EQ Applied, which uses fascinating research and compelling stories to illustrate what emotional intelligence looks like in real life. 

A version of this article originally appeared on Inc.com.

In today's world, there is a constant battle for control of your emotions. 

Sometimes this battle rages within--like when you strive to keep balanced, despite negative feelings rising inside of you. Other times it's an external attack--as politicians, companies, and others work to influence you, in an attempt to win your vote, your money...or your mind.

For these reasons and more, emotional intelligence--the ability to recognize, understand, and manage both your own emotions and the emotions of others--is more important than ever. 

But I can't control my feelings, you say. Actually, that's true--to an extent. Since most of the emotions you experience occur almost instinctively, you can't control how you feel in any given moment. But you can control how you react to those feelings--by focusing on your thoughts. 

In my new book, EQ Applied: The Real-World Guide to Emotional Intelligence, I compare your ability to direct your thoughts in these situations to a set of controls on your favorite media player. Just as these controls come in handy when watching a film or listening to music, the following methods are useful to help manage your emotional reactions, which can help you make wiser decisions and avoid saying and doing things you'll later regret. 

So, here are seven tricks you can put into practice right now:

1. Pause. 

The pause is the most important of all the emotional tools in your toolbox. To pause, you must take time to stop and think before you speak or act. Doing so can prevent you from saying or doing something you'll later regret. 

But the pause isn't only effective when dealing with upsetting situations. Often, we're tempted to jump on opportunities that look really good at the time but that we haven't really thought through. Have you ever found when shopping that you tend to overspend when in a good mood (or maybe a bad mood)? Use the pause to help you identify that mood and determine if you really want to make that purchase or if you're going to regret it later on. 

Try this: If you feel yourself beginning to respond emotionally to a situation, take a pause. When upset, you may find it helpful to count silently from one to 10. If possible, go for a short walk. Once you've had the chance to calm down, come back and decide how you want to move forward.

2. Volume. 

When you communicate, your conversation partner will often react in the same style or tone you choose. If you speak in a calm, rational voice, they'll respond similarly. Yell or scream, and they start yelling and screaming, too.

Here is where your volume control comes in: If you need to have an emotionally charged conversation, speak in a way that's calm and collected. 

Try this: If the discussion begins to escalate, focus your efforts on "dialing it back" by softening your tone or even lowering your voice. You'll be surprised at how your partner follows your lead.

3. Mute. 

If an interaction with another person turns emotional and leaving the situation is not an option, you may need to hit the mute button. In other words, stop speaking. 

This method is useful because at such a moment in time, sharing your point of view isn't going to help the situation; in contrast, it usually makes matters worse. By hitting the mute button, you allow the other person to express their feelings without interruption.

Try this: Take a deep breath and remind yourself that both your mood and that of your communication partner are temporary. Remember that much of what they say at this point may be extreme or exaggerated; resist the urge to respond in kind.

In many cases, once the person has let everything out they'll calm down. As you remain on mute, be sure to...

4. Record. 

Recording is concentrated listening, with the intent to learn more about the other person's perspective. In other words, don't listen to help figure out how to reply; instead, listen to understand.

Try this: As you tune into the other person, resist the urge to judge, offer advice, or even try to identify underlying problems and solutions.

Instead, focus on gathering information. The goal is to gain insight: to learn more about how the other person sees you, how they see themselves, and how they see the situation. Through attentive listening, you may identify gaps in your knowledge or perception, or discover basic misunderstandings you didn't know existed.

5. Rewind. 

Emotionally charged discussions are often rooted in deep-seated issues. If left alone, these problems are likely to continue springing up. That's why you shouldn't take a pause or hit mute with the intent of completely forgetting the situation. Instead, use rewind to revisit the topic at a later time, once all parties have had time to cool down.

Try this: Before revisiting a touchy topic, give careful thought as to where and when to speak, with the goal of calm and rational discussion.

It's also important to consider how you will reintroduce the subject. For example, opening with an apology, with an expression of gratitude, or by acknowledging where you and your communication partner agree may lead the other person to lower their guard and become more open to what you have to say.

6. Fast-forward. 

Fast-forwarding to the end may ruin a film, but it's an extremely helpful skill when dealing with our emotions. If you find yourself in an emotionally charged moment, step back and think forward to the consequences of your actions--both short- and long-term.

For example, imagine a colleague has been showing romantic interest in you for years, despite your clear expressions that you're in a happy relationship and not interested. But one day, after a big fight with your partner, you think differently. Those advances are suddenly flattering--and tempting.

Now's the time to fast-forward. Forget about how you feel in the moment. Ask yourself: How will this decision affect you in a month? A year? Five years? Think about the effects your actions will have on your spouse, your family members, your conscience, and even your work.

Try this: If emotion is clouding your judgment, take a moment to fast-forward. Doing so can help you achieve clarity of mind and make sound decisions that you're proud of.

7. Trailer. 

The trailer is useful when trying to get motivated or fight the tendency to procrastinate. While you may not be motivated to dedicate 90 minutes or more to watching a film you know nothing about, you're probably willing to watch a short trailer. Similarly, a five-minute trailer (or preview) of a task can convince your mind that it's worth it to follow through.

The trailer is another name for an old cognitive behavioral therapy trick known as "the five-minute rule." Here's how it works: Force yourself to work on a task for just five minutes, with the understanding that you can quit after five minutes if you wish. Of course, more often than not, you'll be motivated to keep going. The trailer works because getting started on a major task is often the hardest part. 

Try this: If you're struggling to find motivation to start a task, give it just five minutes. 

Remember, you never want to make a permanent decision based on a temporary emotion. Practice using these seven techniques, and make emotions work for you, instead of against you.

Enjoy this post? Check out my book, EQ Applied, which uses fascinating research and compelling stories to illustrate what emotional intelligence looks like in real life. 

A version of this post originally appeared on Inc.com.

Anger is an extremely powerful emotion. If you display it constantly, others will avoid you like the plague. On the other hand, keep it bottled up inside and you become a pressure cooker that will inevitably blow its top--leading to actions that you later regret.

Emotional intelligence is extremely useful in helping you to deal with anger effectively. Recognizing that you need to choose your battles helps you from becoming overly anxious and possibly burning out.

For example, a situation may cause you to become angry because you don't fully understand it. You might witness an action and perceive it to be an injustice, but every situation has context and background, much of which you aren't privy to. Keeping that point in mind will keep you from butting into situations that really don't involve you.

And if certain people or situations get your blood boiling (and you don't need them for your everyday work), why not simply avoid them to the extent possible?

A Balanced View

The truth is, there are plenty of instances when you're right to get angry.

For example, let's say a certain colleague of yours really gets on your nerves. You know the type--always leaving unwashed dishes in the sink, constantly complaining, often disrespectful. You've endured this behavior for a while, and one day you're moved to do something about it.

Your anger is producing something positive: It's time to address an unacceptable situation.

So, how do you move forward? You could simply go off on your colleague, calling him out publicly on all of his negative behaviors and telling him that everyone's sick and tired of it. Will that change his behavior? Possibly. But is that really how you want to handle the situation? Not only will this adversely affect your relationship with this co-worker, but you may damage your reputation and that of others as well.

In contrast, if you take time to think your actions and their consequences through, your strategy will be much more effective. Of course, in the heat of the moment, you won't always be inspired to sit back and reflect on the situation. That's why it's important to learn to keep control.

Controlling Your Anger

Anger is like fire. It can be a useful tool, or it can be hideously destructive.

Certain situations require an immediate response, as when you witness some type of abuse or bullying, be it physical or psychological. But in other cases, smaller things could cause your anger to build up to the point at which you're in danger of losing control of your emotions.

If you feel that's happening to you, try the following:

1. Leave.

If you're in the middle of an extremely uncomfortable situation, it's difficult to not say the first thing that comes to mind. Before doing or saying something that you'll surely regret, get yourself away from the situation.

2. Take a few minutes to breathe deeply.

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), deep breathing is one of the fastest ways to reduce the intensity of your anger.

Repeating a word or phrase that is calming to you (such as "relax," "let it go," or "take it easy") can also help soothe angry feelings.

3. Immerse yourself in something you enjoy.

Once you take a break from the situation, look to engage in something that will divert your attention and help you calm down. Try reading, listening to music, or some other activity you find relaxing.

4. Try non-strenuous exercise.

Go for a walk, a bike ride, or do some stretching. This can relieve the tension in your muscles and help you relax.

All of us will get angry from time to time. But using these strategies will help you to increase your EQ, control your anger, and express your feelings in a way that is more beneficial--to you, and to others.

Enjoy this post? Check out my book, EQ Applied, which uses fascinating research and compelling stories to illustrate what emotional intelligence looks like in real life. 

A version of this article originally appeared on Inc.com.

It began so innocently.

A young reader's request for advice went viral, via a blog post on Askamanager.com. The reader had received a summer internship with a company that does work in the individual's desired industry.

"Even though the division I was hired to work in doesn't deal with clients or customers, there still was a very strict dress code," the person wrote. "I felt the dress code was overly strict but I wasn't going to say anything, until I noticed one of the workers always wore flat shoes that were made from a fabric other than leather, or running shoes, even though both of these things were contrary to the dress code."

The intern spoke with a manager, who made it clear that there wasn't any leeway allowed under the dress code, despite the exception made for the other worker.

And that's where it all goes downhill.

Angered by the "hypocrisy" and having discovered that many of the other interns felt the same way, the reader and the others wrote a proposal stating why they should be allowed to stray from the dress code. The proposal was accompanied by a petition signed by every intern (minus one who refused to sign), and given to the managers. The interns asked for "a more business casual dress code," outlining the types of footwear they felt were more appropriate, along with a request that the group "not have to wear suits and/or blazers in favor of a more casual, but still professional, dress code."

The result?

"The next day, all of us who signed the petition were called into a meeting where we thought our proposal would be discussed. Instead, we were informed that due to our 'unprofessional' behavior, we were being let go from our internships. We were told to hand in our ID badges and to gather our things and leave the property ASAP.

We were shocked ... The worst part is that just before the meeting ended, one of the managers told us that the worker who was allowed to disobey the dress code was a former soldier who lost her leg and was therefore given permission to wear whatever kind of shoes she could walk in."

And that's what we call a "welcome to reality" moment.

But the worst part of it all, and what proves that the interns' decision to submit a petition lacked emotional intelligence, is the reasoning that comes next. After acknowledging the situation of the colleague who was given an exception because of her physical condition, the reader writes:

"You can't even tell, and if we had known about this we would have factored it into our argument."

Man oh man.

If you read my column, you know I write a lot about the role emotional intelligence (EI or EQ, for emotional intelligence quotient) plays in the world of business. EQ involves the ability to recognize and understand your emotions, and to use that information to guide decision making. Building EQ can prove very useful by shaping our communication in a way that gets people to listen with a more open mind.

As I read this young person's dilemma, I couldn't help but identify numerous lessons as to how emotional intelligence could have helped the situation. (My forthcoming book, EQ Applied, is a practical approach that illustrates just how EQ works--and doesn't work--in the real world.)

Here are a few:

1. It pays to get perspective--from the right people.

After initially getting frustrated, the reader voiced his or her concerns and looked for the opinion of others.

Nothing necessarily wrong with that. Except for one thing.

The reader looked to his or her peers: people with very similar viewpoints, as well as job and life experience. (Most likely, the reader didn't even know the fellow interns that well or for that long.)

When you're involved in an emotional situation at work, it's greatly advantageous to get perspective from someone who's older and wiser than you are. Finding a mentor who will help you see the big picture and whom you can bounce questions off of can help save a lot of grief in the long run.

2. Aggressive communication begs for aggressive behavior.

The voice behind the blog, Alison Green, hits the nail on the head in her response to the reader.

She writes:

"[Your employers] presumably have that dress code because, rightly or wrongly, they've determined that it's in their best interest. Sometimes these sorts of dress codes make sense (like when you're dealing with clients who expect a certain image). Other times they don't. But you really, really don't have standing as interns to push back on it in such an aggressive way. And beyond standing, you don't have enough knowledge as interns to push back so aggressively--knowledge of their context, their clients, and their culture.

What you could have done was to say, 'Would you talk to us about the dress code and explain why it's important? We're sure we'll run into this again in future jobs, but coming from the more casual environment of school, it's not intuitive to us why so many businesses have formal dress codes. We'd appreciate getting a better understanding.'"

Following Green's calm and reasonable approach would have greatly increased the chances of a positive outcome in this situation.

Not that the company would have changed its dress code, but that the interns (probably) wouldn't have gotten fired, and they would have made a much better impression on their managers.

3. Learn from constructive criticism.

Instead of allowing the company's response to serve as a wake-up call, the reader focuses on the view that the situation was "unfair," and doesn't seem to have learned any lessons from the situation.

Look, people don't like to get their rear end handed to them. But everyone needs criticism. When you receive it, set aside your emotions and strive to learn from the situation.

Even if you deem the negative feedback harsh or unnecessary, chances are you can still benefit from it.

Because everyone makes mistakes, even big ones like this.

But those mistakes aren't failures if you allow them to make you better.

Enjoy this post? My book, EQ Applied, has tons of stories just like this one that illustrate what emotional intelligence looks like in everyday life.

A version of this article originally appeared on Inc.com.

It was the summer of 2000, and I was living my dream.

I was still in my early 20s, working for a large nonprofit in the heart of New York City, and I'd been appointed to lead a small team. I loved my job; I loved New York. Life was good.

But suddenly, everything changed.

My department manager, who had become a great mentor, suddenly left. He was replaced by "Jack," the assistant. Jack was the complete opposite of our old boss: He seemed to always focus on the negative, and was extremely difficult to please.

I don't think Jack hated us, but we felt that way sometimes--as he constantly pointed out our mistakes, never commending us for what we did right.

Morale sank.

Many years later, I moved to Europe and began work as a consultant with a number of international companies. While conducting research on employee satisfaction and company culture, I surveyed dozens of professionals working in various fields, and I noticed one complaint repeated over and over:

I just don't feel appreciated.

Many of the employees I interviewed said that their superiors were quick to let them know what they were doing wrong, but were almost never inclined to tell them what they were doing right.

What Every Employee Craves

Throughout the years, I've consulted with many companies, large and small. The topic of what makes up a great organizational culture is complex. But I strongly believe it begins with a single action:

Sincerely commending your people.

Praise. Giving credit where credit is due. Telling someone: "Job well done." Whatever you want to call it, people crave it--and they respond to it.

Think about it. How would you react if your superior said something like the following to you: 

"Hey, _____________, do you have a minute? I've been meaning to tell you something. I know I don't say this enough, but I really appreciate what you're doing here. The way you handled that (project, client, problem)--it was great. I could really see your (specific quality you possess) in action, and how much it benefits the company.

Keep up the good work."

Sound motivating?

Don't mistake my point: My goal isn't to encourage flattery, or praise just for the sake of praising. We all know what it's like to be on the receiving end of a shallow or superficial compliment--it just leaves us wondering: What are they trying to get out of me?

But everybody deserves praise for something. All of your people are talented in different ways; it's your job to see those talents, and to bring out the best in them.

If you take the time to give employees realistic and positive reinforcement, i.e., sincere and authentic commendation for their efforts, you'll experience the following benefits:

1. Your people will feel important and needed. 

In contrast to Jack was Jack's boss, Mr. Larson.

Mr. Larson ("Call me John," he would say) was the managing director--and he had a much different reputation. Despite overseeing the work of about 300 people, he would come around to see each of us on our yearly "work anniversary." He usually stuck around and chatted for about five to 10 minutes, amazing us with the personal interest he showed.

Somehow, he even managed to learn all of our names--greeting us by first name as we passed each other in the hallways. "How's it going, Shelly?" "Great job on your presentation, Micah!"

Mr. Larson, um, John, also made himself available if we felt the need to speak with him. These "little things" meant a lot. He made us feel that our work was important to him.

We were important to him.

Takeaway: Do you want your team to jump through hoops of fire? It might mean a matter of just a few minutes a day, but I promise it will be time well spent.

2. It makes giving correction easier. 

Jack may have had a brash management style, but many managers suffer from the opposite problem:

They cringe at the thought of giving corrective feedback.

Erika Andersen, author of Growing Great Employees, put it this way in an article she penned for Forbes:

"Most often," she writes, "we're worried about the other person's reaction: What if she gets angry? What if he cries? What if she tells me I'm an idiot? What if he gets super defensive and starts blaming me?"

The thing is, everyone needs correction. When your people don't receive constructive criticism, they never reach their full potential. Even worse, they may end up losing their jobs without ever having an idea of what they were doing wrong.

But when we are in the habit of telling our employees how much we appreciate the good things they do, it becomes much easier to correct the bad things they do.

Takeaway: When you praise authentically and regularly, it gives you confidence to give corrective feedback when necessary.

You'll know that your direction is balanced and reasonable--and in the best interests of both employee and company.

3. It makes receiving correction easier.

In contrast with fearing to give corrective feedback, I've witnessed a great number of "Jacks" running the show. Additionally, a number of employees I interviewed said that it was common for their team leaders and managers to spew out correction (even in a public setting), without ever giving commendation.

Morale, and productivity, naturally decline.

The fact is, no one wants to make mistakes or underperform. But when that's the only message people hear, they lose motivation.

On the other hand, when your people are confident that you've "got their backs," they're more ready and willing to receive constructive criticism.

Takeaway: Regular and sincere commendation helps employees see that you're on their side. They'll see you as a mentor, instead of someone whose job is to come down on them.

So give some thought to your own style of leadership. When was the last time you told your team--as a group and the individuals themselves--that you appreciated them? Or told them specifically what you appreciate?

A few moments of sincere praise will pay rich dividends for you, your team, and your company.

By the way, my story has a happy ending. Remember Jack? He actually improved dramatically over the years we worked together. In the end, he became a great manager.

Want to know why? Because he learned from the great example that others set, others like Mr. Larson.

That's the power of sincere and authentic praise:

It makes everybody better.

Enjoy this post? Check out my book, EQ Applied, which uses fascinating research and compelling stories to illustrate what emotional intelligence looks like in real life. 

A version of this article originally appeared on Inc.com.

It's all too easy to lose control of our emotions.

That's why emotional intelligence is so important. The ability to identify emotions (in yourself and others), to understand their powerful effect, and to use that information to guide thinking and behavior, can greatly increase the chances of successfully achieving your goals.

Like any ability, the skills of emotional intelligence are sharpened with practice. But might you already possess a high EQ, without even knowing it?

Take a look at the following statements, and see if they describe your own behavior and habits:

1. You think about feelings. A lot.

EI begins with reflection. You ask questions like, "Why am I feeling this way?" and "What caused me (or someone else) to say or do that?"

By identifying emotions and reactions, you've become more mindful and use that information to your advantage.

2. You ask others for perspective.

You understand that others see you much differently than you see yourself. It's not about right or wrong, rather, understanding how perceptions differ.

3. You say thank you.

It's surprising how widespread the lack of common courtesy is nowadays.

But not from you. You recognize the power of those two small words to change someone's day, and to strengthen relationships--and that's why you always take a few extra moments to express appreciation.

4. You know when to pause.

"The pause" is as simple as taking a moment to stop and think before you act or speak. (Easy in theory, difficult in practice.)

Of course, nobody's perfect. But the pause has prevented embarrassment on many occasions, made you a better worker, and even saved your relationships.

5. You explore the "why."

Instead of labeling people, you realize there's reasons behind everyone's behavior.

By developing qualities like empathy and compassion, you work to see a situation through another person's eyes. You ask questions like, "Why does this person feel this way?" and "What's going on behind the scenes?"

By doing this, you're able to relate to almost anyone.

6. You're open to criticism.

Nobody enjoys receiving negative feedback, including you.

But you know well that much criticism contains at least some element of truth, even when it's not delivered in an ideal manner. Additionally, criticism teaches you much about how others think.

So, you keep your emotions in check and learn as much as you can.

7. You constantly consider how others will react.

From the moment you meet a person, you're analyzing them. You just can't help it.

But all of that observation leads to benefits: You realize that everything you say and do potentially affects others. And that means focusing not just on what you say, but how you say it.

8. You apologize.

You know that "I'm sorry" can be the two most difficult words to say in the English language. But you also recognize that they are extremely powerful.

By acknowledging your mistakes and apologizing when appropriate, you develop qualities like humility and authenticity, and naturally draw others to you.

9. You forgive.

While understanding that nobody's perfect, you've learned that refusing to forgive is like leaving a knife in a wound--you never have the chance to heal.

Instead of hanging on to resentment while the offending party moves on with his or her life, you forgive--giving you the chance to move on, too.

10. You have an expansive emotional vocabulary.

By learning to express your feelings, you increase your ability to understand them. When you're sad, you go deeper in trying to determine why: Am I disappointed? Frustrated? Hurt?

By expanding your active "emotional vocabulary," you gain insight and learn to take action when necessary.

11. You praise sincerely and specifically.

By consistently looking for the good in others, and then specifically telling them what you appreciate, you inspire them. They feel good about working with you, and are motivated to give their best.

12. You work on controlling your thoughts.

It's been said: "You can't stop a bird from landing on your head. But you can keep it from building a nest."

When you experience a negative situation, you may not have control over your natural, emotional response. But you are in control in what happens next: You choose where to focus your thoughts.

Instead of dwelling on those feelings and thinking about how unfair the situation is, you turn it into a positive--and develop a plan to move forward.

13. You don't freeze people in time.

Judging others too quickly, without taking context and extenuating circumstances into account, is a very destructive habit.

In contrast, you're aware that everyone has a bad day, or even a bad year. By refusing to label others, your opinion of them remains fluid, and you get the most of your relationships.

14. You analyze your weaknesses.

It takes self-reflection, insight, and courage to identify weaknesses. But you won't get better unless you work on them.

By analyzing situations in which you've lost control of your emotions, you develop your strategy for encountering those moments the next time.

15. You know that emotions can be used against you.

Just like any ability, emotional intelligence can be used both ethically and unethically. When others increase their skills, they could use that power for manipulative influence.

And that's exactly why you should sharpen your own emotional intelligence--to protect yourself when they do.

Enjoy this post? Check out my book, EQ Applied, which uses fascinating research and compelling stories to illustrate what emotional intelligence looks like in real life. 

A version of this post originally appeared on Inc.com.

Every year, Fortune magazine publishes a list of the best places to work in the U.S. It always includes companies like Salesforce which claimed this year's top spot and is known for high salaries and great perks.

But number two on this year's list is a little harder to guess.

It's Wegmans Food Markets, a family-owned, regional supermarket chain that's based in Rochester, New York.

To put this in perspective, Wegmans beat out companies like the Boston Consulting Group (number four on the list), a company known for great compensation and amazing benefits. In contrast, numerous Wegmans positions pay less than $11 per hour, and a department manager earns a yearly salary of under $60,000 (according to Glassdoor).

So, what makes working at Wegmans so great?

According to employees surveyed by Fortune, "there's a lot of love and caring" at this 100-year-old family-owned grocery chain. Workers claim it's the "small things that make a difference," like free hot chocolate in the winter for anyone working outside in the cold.

A quick look at the stats and employee comments reveal further insights that employers could learn from.

For example, here are a few things that employees praised about Wegmans:

Great managers. Ninety-three percent of employees surveyed said that "management is honest and ethical in its business practices." Ninety-six percent said they had "great bosses" and 97 percent claimed to benefit from "great communication."

Positive culture and working environment. Ninety-eight percent of workers called the workplace a "great atmosphere," while 95 percent said the facilities contribute to a good working environment.

Additionally, rewards programs provide praise, thanks, and recognition for "work anniversaries, developmental goals, and acts of service for helping others," and even allow employees to reward colleagues for "living company values"--with $5 coupons for prepared foods at the store.

A listening ear. And bias for action. Wegmans claims to invest in various programs that put employees' ideas into action, encouraging workers to contribute to decisions that improve their work and benefit the company.

Flexible scheduling. Employees praise the flexibility they have in finding the right schedule, and the company offers telecommuting for certain positions.

Necessary tools and resources. Ninety-six percent of those surveyed said they are given the resources and equipment to do their jobs.

"We believe this makes our work more fun and more meaningful, whether a cashier, chef, accountant, or baker," said the company in an official statement.

Employee development. The company invests more than $50 million annually in training and development, which includes providing management trainee and leadership development programs, department universities, workshops, and certification programs.

Wegmans also offered $5 million in tuition assistance in 2016. (Employees aren't obligated to return to Wegmans after graduation, although many do.)

Perks. Wegmans offers health insurance for qualifying part-time employees, 100 percent company-paid health coverage for dependents (for full-time employees), and fairly generous paid-time-off benefits.

Social initiatives. Ninety-five percent said they feel good about the ways the company contributes to the community. (Wegmans donated more than $6.5 million to philanthropic causes in 2016.)

Why Wegmans' Success Matters

We all know that an attractive salary will get people through the door.

But more and more employees are looking for more. They realize that they're often spending more time at work than doing anything else. For many, that means it's important to find a workplace they actually enjoy going to. An environment where they feel appreciated for their work, and where they benefit from transparent communication. Where they have a certain degree of flexibility and autonomy, along with opportunities to grow.

Not only is all of this possible, it's necessary--if you're serious about keeping good people around.

And Wegmans has more than 40,000 happy employees to prove it.

Enjoy this post? Check out my book, EQ Applied, which uses fascinating research and compelling stories to illustrate what emotional intelligence looks like in real life. 

A version of this article originally appeared on Inc.com.

Emotional intelligence is defined as a person's ability to identify emotions (in both themselves and others), to recognize the powerful effects of those emotions, and to use that information to inform and guide behavior. Ever since Daniel Goleman's international best-seller Emotional Intelligence was released in 1995, interest in the quality has risen dramatically.

The terms emotional intelligence (EI) and emotional quotient (EQ) may be new, but the concepts definitely aren't.

[My forthcoming book, EQ, Applied, is a practical approach that illustrates just how EQ works--and doesn't work--in the real world.]

In fact, writers and thinkers from various backgrounds have explored this concept through the years. Here are 23 of my favorite quotes about emotions and learning to deal with them:

1. "I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them."
--Oscar Wilde

2. "One ought to hold on to one's heart; for if one lets it go, one soon loses control of the head too."
--Friedrich Nietzsche

3. "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." --(probably not) Maya Angelou

4. "Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions."
--Albert Einstein

5. "Emotion can be the enemy, if you give into your emotion, you lose yourself. You must be at one with your emotions, because the body always follows the mind."
--Bruce Lee

6. "The idea that you have to be protected from any kind of uncomfortable emotion is what I absolutely do not subscribe to."
--John Cleese

7. "Feelings can't be ignored, no matter how unjust or ungrateful they seem."
--Anne Frank

8. "Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy."
--Isaac Newton

9. "Everyone must be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger..."
--The Bible (James 1:19)

10. "When a man is prey to his emotions, he is not his own master."
--Baruch Spinoza

11. "Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions."
--Elizabeth Gilbert

12. "Feelings are something you have; not something you are."
--Shannon L. Alder

13. "Your heart will always go where your mind wanders."
--Shannon L. Alder

14. "People who keep stiff upper lips find that it's damn hard to smile."
--Judith Guest

15. "How you react emotionally is a choice in any situation."
--Judith Orloff

16. "The emotions of man are stirred more quickly than man's intelligence."
--Oscar Wilde

17. "It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply."
--David Jones

18. "Tears are a form of communication - like speech - and require a listener."
--Erica Jong

19. "Our emotional response is driven by the proximity of events."
--Piyush Shrivastava

20. "Emotions are not problems to be solved. They are signals to be interpreted."
--Vironika Tugaleva

21. "Anger is a legitimate feeling, one often designed for self-protection."
--Kimberlee Roth

22. "Some prisons don't require bars to keep people locked inside. All it takes is their perception that they belong there."
--Lysa TerKeurst

23. "One half of me is a hopeless romantic. The other half is well... just realistic."
--Faraaz Kazi

Enjoy this post? Check out my book, EQ Applied, which uses fascinating research and compelling stories to illustrate what emotional intelligence looks like in real life. 

A version of this article originally appeared on Inc.com.

We hear a lot today about the benefits of discovering work that is deeply fulfilling.

But what about the disadvantages?

This is just one thought LinkedIn CEO Jeff Weiner addressed this weekend as he delivered the commencement address at his alma mater, the Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania. In his speech, he highlighted the advantages of exercising compassion in the workplace, but he then related a story that emphasized the need to do so out of the workplace as well.

A few years ago, as Weiner was walking to his car after a long day at the office, he reflected on a satisfying day. But the satisfaction was fleeting as he started thinking about getting home to his wife and two daughters. It was then that he had an epiphany of sorts:

"For as hard as I worked to be compassionate at the office, I was not always as compassionate with my family," he realized.

He continues:

"By the time I got home on some nights, I'd be so spent that after putting the girls to bed, I had little left to give. So, when my wife, who also was tired and had had a busy day, wanted to connect, or talk about important stuff, I would reflexively say it had been a long day, I was exhausted, and could we talk about it some other time. In other words, I was doing the exact opposite of being compassionate with the one person who mattered most."

If you have a job that you love--or even one that you hate--you can probably relate to that feeling. Often, we give so much time or energy to others (like at work) that we are no longer willing to give those invaluable resources to the people who are most important to us. We take it for granted that they will understand, and that we can make it up to them the next time.

Then, the next time gets shifted to another time, and, the next thing you know ...

Your most important relationships are only shells of what they used to be.

Or what they should be.

So, how do you make things better? There are a few things you can do.

For one, you might set a mandatory quitting time, at least for certain days of the week. On those days, you set your alarm for 5 or 5:30, or whatever time works for you--and set an appointment with your family. You then treat that appointment the same way you do your most important meeting or a doctor's appointment. It's set in stone, non-negotiable.

Or let's say you come home to your spouse and you've had an especially draining day. Unfortunately, so did he or she. Neither of you feel in shape to offer compassion to the other; in fact, you're both craving it yourself. 

In this situation, you might say something like: "I'm so sorry to hear you had a tough day; mine was really bad too. Can we just take some time to relax (or exercise, or enjoy a meal together)? Maybe later we can go for a walk and talk about it all." 

This type of response clearly states your own needs while kindly addressing the needs of your partner. And while it only takes a few seconds to say, it can greatly affect how the next few hours, or even days, play out. 

These are just two emotionally intelligent strategies that can help you find balance between work and home. 

Above all, the key is to take time to set the right priorities--and then to work in harmony with them.

"It's taken me a long time to realize what makes me happy," Weiner told the new graduates. "Simply put, it's looking forward to going to work in the morning, and looking forward to coming home at night. The only way I can do this is by practicing compassion in both facets of my life, and not taking anything or anyone for granted."

Enjoy this post? Check out my book, EQ Applied, which uses fascinating research and compelling stories to illustrate what emotional intelligence looks like in real life. 

A version of this article originally appeared on Inc.com.

Spider-Man: Homecoming, the recent film reboot of one of the world's most beloved comic books, is an official hit. Loved by fans and critics alike, some are calling it one of the best superhero movies in years.

But not everyone feels that way.

Kirsten Dunst, who played Peter Parker love interest Mary-Jane Watson in three previous Spider-Man films (opposite Toby Maguire), was recently asked for her opinion on Homecoming in an interview with the U.K. edition of Marie Claire.

"We made the best ones, so who cares," said Dunst. "I'm like, 'You make it all you want.' They're just milking that cow for money. It's so obvious. You know what I mean?"

It's too easy for an interviewee's words to get taken out of context or for a sound bite to lose its true meaning, so I'm not here to critique Dunst's quote. But it was only a matter of time before the comment made it back to Homecoming's star, Tom Holland.

In a recent interview with Movie'n'co UK, Holland was asked what he thought about Dunst's comments, and his response was perfect:

I read it and I saw it...and you know, she's entitled to her own opinion and I'm not one to judge at all. I definitely am not doing this movie for the money. I mean, it's a job that I think anyone would do regardless of what you were getting paid, you know? All I know is I had the greatest time on this movie and I absolutely loved it and, you know, if she doesn't want to go and see it, I don't really care. I don't dislike her in any way for what she said and she's entitled to her own opinion, so it's all cool.

Bravo, Spidey.

Why this response is so great.

Every day you'll be met with what you may interpret as a thoughtless comment. It could be a simple misunderstanding; or it could be something said out of the heat of the moment, that the other person would take back if possible.

It's easy to take comments like this personally.

Don't.

Doing so is self-defeating: As you sit and fume, you distract yourself from more productive thoughts and actions. Even worse, you put yourself in a mood that may progressively get worse, until you're consumed with the negative remark--while the other person doesn't even know he or she has said something to offend you.

In contrast, Holland's response shows emotional intelligence, the ability to make feelings and emotions work for you (instead of against you).

With a few short sentences, Holland manages to:

• avoid getting baited into a meaningless fight with a fellow actor (one he may end up working with someday);

• make his own thoughts and intentions known, clearly stating that he loved playing the part and that money was not his primary motivation; and

• defuse the situation and make sure there are no hard feelings moving forward.

In a world where anger seems to be the prevailing emotion, Holland's response is refreshing. (Did I mention he's only 21 years old?)

So, the next time a negative comment makes it back to you, resist the urge to dwell on it or take offense. Instead, stay focused on what's important to you.

That's a real-life super power you can use.

So let's thank Spider-Man for showing us how it's done.

Enjoy this post? My book, EQ Applied, has tons of stories just like this one that illustrate what emotional intelligence looks like in everyday life.

A version of this article originally appeared on Inc.com.

Have you ever been thrust in a situation where you have to convince someone to do something, and you're pretty sure they're not going to want to do it?

That's the situation Hollywood actress Kristen Bell recently found herself in, as she told the Today show's Natalie Morales at the Mom 2.0 Summit. Bell was picking up her two daughters (ages 5 and 3) from preschool. Suddenly, she noticed a paparazzi photographer in the parking lot across the street, and his sights were set on Bell's girls.

"I said, 'Kristen, you can handle this,'" Bell told Morales.

Bell could have let her emotions lead the way, and gone off on the photographer. But she decided on a different approach.

She put her children in the car, drove across the street, blocked his car from moving, and knocked on his window.

"Hi, my name's Kristen," she said calmly. "Do you realize how much you are putting my kids at risk?" She then explained how dangerous it would be for the public to know where her children attend school.

"I have confidence your mom raised you better," Bell told the photographer. She then asked him to delete the photos, which he did.

"If I had gone up to that car and yelled at him, I guarantee you he would not have deleted those pictures," Bell told Morales.

What Bell accomplished here is a perfect example of emotional intelligence: the ability to identify and understand both your own emotions and the emotions of others, and to use that information to inform and guide behavior.

By asking the photographer to consider the safety of her children, Bell reasoned with empathy. Rather than try to force him to take action--which probably wouldn't have worked--she acknowledged his control over the pictures and showed confidence in his sense of decency. In doing so, she motivated him to delete the pictures on his own accord. 

So, remember: The next time you need to convince someone to change course, do this:

1. Be respectful.

2. Get them to think.

3. Look for the good in the other person.

These principles will help you to get your own emotions under control--and give you a better chance at reaching the other person.

Thanks to Ms. Bell for showing us how it's done.

Want to read more stories that illustrate what emotional intelligence looks like in everyday life? Check out my book, EQ Applied: The Real-World Guide to Emotional Intelligence.

A version of this article originally appeared on Inc.com.

Terry Crews is through playing games.

The Brooklyn Nine-Nine star and former professional NFL player took to Twitter yesterday to call out music mogul Russell Simmons. Crews posted an email Simmons allegedly sent him, urging him to drop his recent sexual assault charges against high-powered Hollywood agent Adam Venit. (Crews claims that Venit, a high-powered Hollywood agent who represents top clients such as Emma Stone, Adam Sandler, and Eddie Murphy, made a series of lewd gestures and then physically groped him at a party last year.)

Message Russell Simmons sent to me regarding my sexual assault case against Adam Venit of @WME:

Dear @UncleRUSH——
NO ONE GETS A PASS pic.twitter.com/DmEvqWVxkc

— terrycrews (@terrycrews) November 19, 2017

According to the screenshot, Simmons's email said the following:

"Did he ever apologize    Give the agent a pass    ask that he be reinstated

With great love, all things are possible"

To which Crews issued this remarkable response:

Dear @UncleRUSH----
NO ONE GETS A PASS

Crews' reply is not only brilliant--it's an excellent demonstration of emotional intelligence, the ability to make emotions work for you and not against you.

Why Crews's Response Is Remarkable

As recent events have shown us, the plague of sexual harassment and assault is prolific.Unfortunately, powerful emotions like fear and anxiety often keep individuals from speaking out.

As Crews explained in a recent interview with ABC's Good Morning America:

"This guy [Venit]...looked at me at the end, as if [to say]: Who's going to believe you?

I understood why women everywhere...won't come forward. A lot of times, people go, well why didn't you come forward sooner? But this is the thing: When a person of power breaks that boundary...you're a prisoner of war. Immediately, you're in a camp. Because you're trying to figure out, when is the right time to come out? When the guard turns their head? When they leave a door open? You're digging tunnels with spoons. You're trying to find a way out--and you get out, and then you finally find freedom and somebody says: Well it must not be that bad. You should have came out sooner."

Crews' account describes what has become known as "the dark side" of emotional intelligence: the ability to use one's knowledge of emotions and behavior to manipulate others or serve some unethical purpose.

The email Simmons purportedly sent Crews is more evidence of the dark side. By asking Crews to "give the agent a pass," it sends the message that a weak apology is sufficient to alleviate any severe emotional pain and suffering experienced by the victim. It also implies that excusing this type of behavior is somehow taking the high road, but that couldn't be further from the truth. (That message has since become complicated by new and disturbing allegations against Simmons himself.)

But Crews teaches a valuable lesson:

The best way to combat those who attempt to use the power of emotion to manipulate is to sharpen your own emotional intelligence.

When you understand not only how emotions work, but how they can be used against you, it's possible to develop strategies to protect yourself, to fight back. With his powerful five-word Twitter response, Crews shows us that the actions of such attackers are not acceptable.

They will not be excused. They will not be swept under a rug. No one gets a pass.

As Crews himself put it:

"People need to be held accountable...I will not be shamed. I did nothing wrong."

No, you didn't, Mr. Crews. In fact, you got it exactly right.

Enjoy this post? My new book, EQ Applied, has tons of stories just like this one that illustrate what emotional intelligence looks like in everyday life.

A version of this article originally appeared on Inc.com.

How would you react if a drunk stranger suddenly rushed you at work? Would you run? Fight? Freak out?

That's the apparent situation famous singer Celine Dion had to deal with during a recent performance at Caesar's Palace. During the middle of her concert, a fan who appears to be intoxicated rushed the stage and managed to get right next to the singer. The woman then resisted security guards' attempts to remove her.

This situation could have quickly turned ugly, if not for Dion's remarkable poise and handling of the situation.

"Let me tell you something," said Dion as she clasped the woman's hand. "I'm glad you came up on stage tonight. I'm glad that...you just wanted to come closer to me."

At this point, the fan grabbed the singer and wrapped her leg around her. Obviously startled, Dion keeps calm. In just a couple of minutes, Dion convinces the woman to walk offstage with her "friends" (the guards), making the absolute best of a challenging situation.

[Video credit: Storyful Rights Management, via YouTube]

Afterwards, Dion fell to the stage in relief, to wild applause from the crowd. She then got up to teach a valuable lesson.

"You know what?" Dion began. "Some people go through a lot. And some people need to talk. And I want to say thank you to all of you. Because for, maybe five minutes, we have given this lady a moment to talk."

Dion went on to praise the security guards for their actions. "You have done what you were supposed to do. I appreciate it very, very much. I think it was important. Thank you so much for your patience tonight."

Let's take a moment to appreciate this event for what it is: a case study in emotional intelligence--the ability to make emotions work for you instead of against you.

The power of emotional influence

In my forthcoming book, EQ, Applied: The Real-World Guide to Emotional Intelligence, I use this story to illustrate the power of emotional influence.

Influence is the act of affecting a person's character or behavior by means other than force or direct command. Influencers use the principles of persuasion and motivation to overcome obstacles or manage conflict. They inspire others to think differently, to see things from new perspectives, and even to change their behavior.

Here are a few principles of influence that Dion put into action:

She encouraged respect.

Dion could have ignored the disorderly fan. She could have deferred to her bodyguards or simply ran away. Instead, she showed the woman respect by acknowledging her and speaking to her. Dion even expressed appreciation for the fan, and set the tone through the calm manner she used when speaking.

If you approach people in a calm and reasonable manner, chances are much higher that they will respond in the same way. Acknowledge their difficulties and challenges, and they'll be much more willing to listen. 

She sought a common ground.

At one point the fan says something inaudible, but Dion heard something she then used to strike a common ground.

"You know what?" Dion asks the woman. "We got something in common. We got babies that we love. And we're going to fight for them. And we're [both] wearing gold. That's a sign."

When attempting to persuade or convince, it's important to first find something upon which you both agree. It helps to view your counterpart as a partner or ally, instead of an enemy. It also helps you to frame your reasoning around the other person's priorities, increasing both trust and the probability they will cooperate with you moving forward.

She demonstrated empathy.

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the thoughts or feelings of another, to put yourself in another person's shoes. It doesn't require you to share the same experiences or circumstances as others; rather, it's an attempt to imagine what the person is going through. It means resisting the urge to judge, and instead, trying to connect with the other person's feelings, to share them somehow.

Likely, Dion didn't know the specifics of this fan's personal circumstances. But she could likely relate to being in a situation where she was embarrassing herself, and where she's facing unknown problems below the surface. By using that feeling to relate, she was able to form a connection with the woman. This helped Dion then influence her to get off the stage calmly, quietly, and quickly.

This is just one example of how empathy works, but every day will bring new opportunities to develop this trait. In fact, every interaction you share with another person is a chance to see things from a different perspective, to share one's feelings, and to act.

Thanks, Celine, for showing us how it's done.

This is just one of many stories in my new book, EQ Applied, that illustrate what emotional intelligence looks like in everyday life.

A version of this article originally appeared on Inc.com.

The best companies are made up of great teams. You see, even a company full of A-players won't succeed if those individuals don't have the ability to work well together.

That's why not too long ago, Google set out on a quest to figure out what makes a team successful. They code-named the study Project Aristotle, a tribute to the philosopher's famous quote "The whole is greater than the sum of its parts."

To define "effectiveness," the team decided on assessment criteria that measured both qualitative and quantitative data. They analyzed dozens of teams and interviewed hundreds of executives, team leads and team members.  

The researchers then evaluated team effectiveness in four different ways:

1. executive evaluation of the team;

2. team leader evaluation of the team;

3. team member evaluation of the team; and 

4. sales performance against quarterly quota.

So, what did they find?

Google published some of its findings here, along with the following insightful statement:

The researchers found that what really mattered was less about who is on the team, and more about how the team worked together. 

What mattered most: Trust.

So what was the most important factor contributing to a team's effectiveness?

It was psychological safety.

Simply put, psychological safety refers to an individual's perception of taking a risk, and the response his or her teammates will have to taking that risk.

Google describes it this way:

In a team with high psychological safety, teammates feel safe to take risks around their team members. They feel confident that no one on the team will embarrass or punish anyone else for admitting a mistake, asking a question, or offering a new idea.

In other words, great teams thrive on trust.

This may appear to be a simple concept, but building trust between team members is no easy task. For example, a team of just five persons brings along varying viewpoints, working styles and ideas about how to get a job done.

In my forthcoming book, EQ Applied: The Real-World Guide to Emotional Intelligence, I analyze fascinating research and real stories of some of the most successful teams in the world. 

Here's a glimpse at some of the actions that can help you build trust into your teams:

Listen first.

To build trust, you must respect how others think and feel. That's why it's important to listen first.

When you regularly and skillfully listen to others, you stay in touch with their reality, get to know their world and show you value their experience. Active listening involves asking questions, along with concentrated effort to understand your partner's answers--all while resisting the urge to judge. Careful listening helps you identify each individual team member's strengths, weaknesses, and style of communication.

Additionally, you send the message that what's important to them is important to you.

Show empathy.

Beyond listening, try your best to understand your fellow team members and their perspectives. This is called cognitive empathy.

But you'll also benefit from showing affective, or emotional empathy. This means attempting to share the feelings of another.

For example, if a colleague shares a struggle, you may think: "Well, that's not such a big deal. I've dealt with that before." When this happens, try to think of a time when you felt stressed or overwhelmed, and draw on that feeling to help you relate.

Be authentic.

Authenticity creates trust. We're drawn to those who "keep it real," who realize that they aren't perfect, but are willing to show those imperfections because they know everyone else has them, too.

Authenticity doesn't mean sharing everything about yourself, to everyone, all of the time. It does mean saying what you mean, meaning what you say, and sticking to your values and principles above all else.

Set the example.

Words can build trust only if they are backed up by actions. 

That's why it's so important to practice what you preach and set the example: You can preach respect and integrity all you want; it won't mean a thing when you curse out a member of your team.

Be helpful.

One of the quickest ways to gain someone's trust is to help that person.

Think about your favorite boss. What school he or she graduated from, with what kind of degree, and this person's previous accomplishments--none of these details are relevant to your relationship. But how about when this boss was willing to take time out of their busy schedule to listen, help out, or get down in the trenches and work alongside you?

Trust is about the long game. Help wherever and whenever you can.

Disagree and commit.

As Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos explains, to "disagree and commit" doesn't mean "thinking your team is wrong and missing the point," which will prevent you from offering true support. Rather, it's a genuine, sincere commitment to go the team's way, even if you disagree.

Of course, before you reach that stage, you should be able to explain your position, and the team should reasonably weigh your concerns.

But if you decide to disagree and commit, you're all in. No sabotaging the project--directly or indirectly. By trusting your team's gut, you give them room to experiment and grow--and your people gain confidence.

Be humble.

Being humble doesn't mean that you never stand up for your own opinions or principles. Rather, it means recognizing that you don't know everything--and that you're willing to learn from others.

It also means being willing to say those two most difficult words when needed: I'm sorry.

Be transparent.

There's nothing worse than the feeling that leaders don't care about keeping you in the loop, or even worse, that they're keeping secrets.

Make sure your vision, intentions, and methods are clear to everyone on your team--and that they have access to the information they need to do their best work.

Commend sincerely and specifically.

When you commend and praise others, you satisfy a basic human need. As your colleagues notice that you appreciate their efforts, they're naturally motivated to do more. The more specific, the better: Tell them what you appreciate, and why.

And remember, everyone deserves commendation for something. By learning to identify, recognize, and praise those talents, you bring out the best in them.

This is just one example of the fascinating research you'll find in my new book, EQ Applied, that illustrates what emotional intelligence looks like in everyday life.

A version of this article originally appeared on Inc.com.

Note: The following is an excerpt from my forthcoming book, EQ, Applied: The Real-World Guide to Emotional Intelligence (2018).

Emotional Intelligence is the ability to identify emotions (in both yourself and others), to recognize the powerful effects of those emotions, and to use that information to inform and guide behavior.

My writing usually focuses on the more positive aspects of EQ (like IQ, for emotions), such as how it can help you handle an insult or establish deeper relationships. But it's important to remember that emotional intelligence, much like "traditional" intelligence, is not inherently virtuous.

For example, you may have heard of "the dark side" of EQ: the ability to use a knowledge of emotions to strategically achieve self-serving goals, with little or no concern for others. Much like a person possessing a brilliant mind could become a lifesaving surgeon or a master criminal, one with superior emotional intelligence has a choice between two very different paths.

What type of manipulative tactics might someone use to prey on your emotions?

One is what's become known as the "love bomb."

'Love Bombing': What Is It and Why Is it Dangerous?

Simply put, love bombing is an attempt to use attention and affection to influence another person.

The term reportedly originated with the Unification Church of the United States, a religious organization with roots in South Korea, who used the term to convey genuine love and interest shown to others.

But according to a number of psychiatrists, the love bomb is commonly used as a weapon, a form of psychological manipulation that is used to maintain power and control in a relationship. Pimps and gang leaders use it to encourage loyalty and obedience. Cult leaders have practiced it to coerce followers into mass suicide. And more than a few individuals use love bombing to abuse romantic partners.

"Love bombing works because humans have a natural need to feel good about who we are, and often we can't fill this need on our own," writes psychiatrist Dale Archer in a blog post for Psychology Today. "Sometimes the reason is situational, brought on by an event, like divorce or job loss. Other times, it's more constant and traces back to our childhood. Whatever the source, love bombers are experts at detecting low self-esteem, and exploiting it."

How to Identify It (and Protect Yourself)

It can be difficult to tell the difference between a person who is naturally kind and affectionate (or even over-the-top), and the person who is using such displays to manipulate.

So how do you know if it's happening to you?

For one, it's important to remember that building trust into healthy relationships takes time. Love bombers want to rush the process, so they can get to taking advantage of unsuspecting victims.

Additionally, Archer explains that unlike healthy relationships, in which displays of affection continues indefinitely and actions match words, love bombing often involves "an abrupt shift in the type of attention, from affectionate and loving to controlling and angry, with the pursuing partner making unreasonable demands."

He goes on to describe a good "litmus test" for identifying a potential love bomber:

"Think of your best friend, how much you have in common, and how often the two of you agree (or disagree). Now consider how long it took to build that bond. Is it likely someone you've just met knows you as well as your best friend? If you find yourself saying, 'Yes, they do!' warning bells should be ringing."

To prevent yourself from falling into the trap of the love bomb, beware of those who:

• constantly seek to stroke your ego

• push a relationship to levels you're not ready for

• are quick to show warmth and affection, but then lose their temper or find other ways to "punish" you when they don't get their way

So, how can you protect yourself if you suspect a love bomber in your midst? 

In the early stages of any relationship, don't be afraid to slow down if you feel things are moving too fast. Setting boundaries and limiting your personal contact will keep you from falling under the victim's spell, and help you to see your relationship from a more realistic perspective.

If you're afraid that you're already involved in an unhealthy relationship, try talking about it  with trusted family or friends, or seek professional help.

"The important thing to remember about love bombing is that it is psychological partner abuse, period," says Archer. "When one person intentionally manipulates and exploits another's weakness or insecurity, there's no other word for it. Love is not about controlling who you see or what you do."

Remember: knowledge is power. Aim to build self- and social-awareness by learning the different ways others can use emotions against you. Because the best way to protect yourself from harmful uses of emotional intelligence...is working to increase your own.

This is just one example of the fascinating research in my new book, EQ Applied, that illustrates what emotional intelligence looks like in everyday life.

A version of this article originally appeared on Inc.com.