E! True Hollywood Nonsense

I'VE MOVED!

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 20:37:00 +0000

HEY EVERYONE!

I'VE MOVED WEBSITES!

EHOLLYWOODNONSENSE CAN NOW BE FOUND AT:

WWW.EHOLLYWOODNONSENSE.COM

No more blogspot :(

THANKS FOR READING!

DAY 52- One for every week of the year. Also the Atomic Number of Tellurium! Bet you forgot that.

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Tue, 03 Aug 2010 04:26:00 +0000

TRAILER TALK!

Have you seen the new trailer for YOGI BEAR? I have! It looks terrible!
I really liked the choice of Dan Aykroyd for Yogi Bear (just as I think Bill Murray as Garfield was an inspired choice), however Justin Timberlake as Boo-Boo is stunt casting if I've ever heard it. (I guess you can't really make the argument that Americans were waiting for Dan Aykroyd and J-Tizzle to really GO AT IT with each other...but still.) Justin Timberlake's Boo Boo voice is just Justin with a high pitch whine. Every time Boo Boo has a line I think, "Hey Justin Timberlake's in this movie." (Truth be told though, every time I see Justin Timberlake anywhere I think--"Hey! There's Justin Timberlake.")

Also, I'm not a tech nerd, but the CGI just looks terrible. The other bummer is that Anna Faris is in this movie. She has such a promising career! I don't know why she would lower herself to this "Alvin and the Chipmunks" ripoff garbage. (I mean...I do know--$$$!)

**Sidenote-- Since Alvin and the Chipmunks came out a few Decembers ago and made like $200 million, every old cartoon is being converted into a CGI movie. The Smurfs Movie is coming out soon, starring Neil Patrick Harris. There is also a Speedy Gonzales Movie starring George Lopez, a He-Man Master of the Universe Movie and a Thundercats movie all in the works. Not to mention past movies like Speed Racer and Underdog. The hope is that teens/adults who remember these cartoons will take their kids to see the movies, thus appealing to 2 or 3 of the 4 crucial demographics (those being: MEN, WOMEN, Kids, Older Folks). The only problem is--a lot of those cartoons werent good, and were not meant to have characters sustained for over 10 minutes. For example, Speedy Gonzales is funny for 5 minutes. I can't imagine watching him for 90. Hollywood--stop turning fine cartoons into shitty movies!

BUT BACK TO YOGI BEAR--What good is having this movie in 3D? (I know I know! $) but still! Unless Yogi can actually steal the popcorn on my lap, there is nothing that 3D can help this movie "achieve." I think in some cases 3D will end up hurting the movie more than helping it, like with Cats and Dogs 2 in 3D which came out this past weekend. Parents aren't going to be willing to shell out 18 bucks for a real shitty movie. 12 bucks maybe, but not 18.

MOVING ON:
The Social Network- You've probably already seen the trailer for this movie, but if you haven't you should watch it now! It looks awesome, which I'm sure the movie will be, considering it's directed by David Fincher (Se7en, Fight Club, Zodiac) and written by Aaron Sorkin (A Few Good Men, The West Wing). The acapella use of the song "Creep" against backgrounds of facebook's features really gets the audience uncomfortably thinking about their own facebook use. The trailer is also interestingly and intensely cut.

A few years ago, Aaron Sorkin started a facebook group so he could find out more about facebook from the inside. This was a while ago, before your mom and your seven year old sister could sign up. So I appreciate that he did his research. But this movie isn't going to be about where "poking" comes from. It's a drama about friendship and business and trust and money and relationships. The intriguing part is that the backdrop of the movie is obviously a website, nay--an institution that is so integral to our every day lives, but who's origins are still quite the mystery for most of us. I'm excited for this movie. But this is the last movie I want to see Jesse Eisenberg in, playing a more confident, smarter Michael Cera. Ok Jesse?

LET'S TALK ABOUT CRAZY THINGS IN HOLLYWOOD
1. Paramount signed on to make a 3D Justin Bieber biopic/concert film. To be directed by none other than the director of Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth." WOT! I'm not even mad that they're making a Justin Bieber movie, cause honestly, that was to be expected. After all, it's Justin Bieber's world now. We're all just living in it. The sooner we realize that the faster we can get on with our lives. (By the way Usher is smiling in this picture because for every record Bieber sells, Usher makes like $15. Usher owns Bieber. He's like Strombolli, the evil puppet master who discovers Pinnochio, lets him sing "I've Got No Strings" and makes straight up cash money.)

But Mr. Director sir (Davis Guggenheim), who also just directed a documentary about the failure of the public school systems, How can you possibly go from directing movies of the utmost importance and relevance to America and the global community to a CONCERT movie starring a universally disrespected 15 year old pop queen. And no disrespect to concert movies--Martin Scorsese does excellent work with the Rolling Stones. But Mr. Guggenheim, The Rolling Stones Justin Bieber is not.

IMPORTANT BREAKING NEWS! (2 days after I began writing this post.) Guggenheim just dropped out of the movie. Darn. That was so close to being the craziest thing I've ever heard. The fact that he had legit signed on to do it is still crazy, but in the end, thank God, all this Guggenheim talk is for naught.

*Sidenote--Justin Bieber is really one of the most polarizing figures of today. Spending the summer around kids aged 9-15, I have realized that one either HATES Justin Bieber with a passion and want to rip out his larynx, decapitate him, take out his brain insides, fill it up with Smarties, and turn his head into a Bieber pinata....OR you LOVE JUSTIN BIEBER SO MUCH IT MAKES YOU PUKE! You have to watch BABY 30 times a day, you have pictures of him all over your bed, and you live your life by the Bieber code--just be yourself! There is no middle ground. Kids dont "not give a shit" about Justin Bieber. He's like the "Inception" of popstars.

Also, Justin Bieber is writing a memoir. Or more like telling a writer funny stories about his first haircut and the first time he was raped by pixies.

HOLLYWOOD NONSENSE NUMBER 2-

As pointed out to me by Daniel "I know Gregory Rollman" Arkin, Universal is developing the film BATTLESHIP, based on the board game, as a starring vehicle for Rihanna. The logline is as follows: "Battleship will unfold as a massive Naval adventure across the seas, in the skies and over land as our planet fights for survival against a superior force."

YEA FOR MAKING QUALITY MOVIES!

HOLLYWOOD NONSENSE NUMBER 3-
Hollywood is remaking Ahnuld Schwarzenegger's TOTAL RECALL.

What's with all the Ahnuld remakes! First Predator, then I hear about a Commando remake! Now this? STOP remaking Arnold movies! They're not going to get any better. They're perfect the way they are. Please! Leave AHNULD ALONEEEEE! Abadah.

Thanks for reading!

Until Tomorrow---

Day 51- I have a friend who looks like Haley Joel Osment. Whenever I'm around him I have to double check to make sure I'm not dead.

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Sat, 22 May 2010 00:56:00 +0000

My INCEPTION Experience

Trailers:
1- TRON: Legacy--The action looks cool, but the main actor, newcomer Garrett Hedlund, seems like a bad actor.

2- DUE DATE: Starring my two favorite people, Robert Downey Jr and Zach Galifinakis (a match made in heaven), this movie promises to be funny. It is also directed by Todd Phillips, who did Old School and The Hangover. It seems like a dog with a cone around its head has replaced "Carlos" as Zach Galifinakis' funny accessory.

3- THE TOWN- Good news: A cool, gritty, bank robbing heist drama. Bad News: Directed by Ben Affleck. Good News: Starring JON HAMM!!!! Bad News: He has lines like "This is the not screwing around crew!" What a stupid, weird, not-dramatic line. Also, in the beginning of the trailer, Jon Hamm asks the girl, "Could you see anything through the blindfold" and then after some quick cuts of crazy shit, she says after a dramatic pause....."No." After which, Jon Hamm looks up dramatically, giving a look that says, "UH OH. That's not good." IT'S NORMAL! She was blind folded! Of COURSE she wouldn't have been able to see anything! DUH! This movie looks like its trying to do waaay too much. It seems almost like an amalgamation of lots of too many movie cliches--Cops vs. Robbers, Family v. Friends, Old Life v. New Life, Get Rich or Die Trying, Boston Trash v. the Upper Crust, Daddy Issues. There are random shots of baseball games, of Ben Affleck taking off his mask revealing that HE IS A ROBBER, and a mandatory "DO YOU LOVE ME?" line. Too much ridiculousness. As much as I like the actors in this movie, it looks really stupid. Check out the trailer though: http://trailers.apple.com/trailers/wb/thetown/

ALRIGHT--ON TO INCEPTION!****PROBABLY GOING TO HAVE SOME SPOILERS!

I really enjoyed Inception. I was never bored. I was amazed by the visuals. The acting was great. It was super fun. It made me use my brain. Having said all that, to me Inception was a movie that could have been written by some seriously drug-induced college film majors who had been up way too late doing drugs.

Bro: Dude--you know how sometimes you have some weird fucking dreams.
Guy: Yea dude totally.
(Bro takes massive bong rip)
Bro: So like, last night I dreamed I was like dreaming....but like I woke up. And I was like---but THIS isn't my room! Cause it was liked filled with sharks. And then I really woke up.
Guy: Dude that's intense.
Bro: I know dude! THERE WERE FUCKING SHARKS IN MY ROOM! Like there was one on the futon.
Guy: I like, can never remember my dreams.
Bro: That's the way it works Brosario Dawson.
Guy: WAIT! Dude--you know how I have to write like 15 pages of the screenplay for Wednesday.
Bro: That's today.
Guy: Well...fuck.
Bro: What were you gonna say though?
Guy: Well like what if...like I wrote a movie about like my dreams.
Bro: Like the shark on your futon
Guy: Well not---
Bro: Cause they already did that with Shark Tale.
Guy: No, its not about the sha-
Bro: That movie was HILARIOUS! Cuz like Will Smith was a fish---
Guy: Stop.
Bro: And like Angelina Jolie was a fish--and I'd never gotten a boner around sea life before--
Guy: STOP!
Bro: What?
Guy: I wanna tell you about this movie!
Bro: (pause) What movie?
Guy: So this movie--theres a guy, and he likes goes INSIDE DREAMS!
(Bro does a line of coccaine)
Bro: And he fucking TAKES THAT DREAM!
Guy: What?
Bro: FUCKING JUST SNATCHES IT! Like a peanut butter chocolate chip cookie!

(Bro suddenly swivels his head around jarringly. Rushes to the pantry. Takes out a bag of Chips Ahoy Chocolate Chip cookies. Looks around)

Fuck.

(Pause. Then looks straight over at refrigerator. Rushes over. Opens it and takes out a jar of peanut butter. Smiles. Takes a cookie. Opens the jar and jams cookie as hard as he can into the peanut butter. Takes a bite.)

Oh my FUCKING GOD! YES! YES! FUCK YES!

(Goes and sits back down next to Guy)

So then he like has to replace the dream with something else! Like another dream!

(Guy does a line of coke)
Guy: These dudes go around stealing dreams from people's minds!
Bro: And then one time they go deeper! Like a two-layered dream!
Guy: Like mine!
Bro: WAIT!
Guy: What?
Bro: WAIT!
Guy: (pause) What?
Bro: Am I real?
Guy: Dude.
Bro: Don't mess with me now.
Guy: Dude you're real.
Bro: Touch my ear.
Guy: Dude why are you bugging out?
Bro: CUZ I'M ROBOTRIPPING!
Guy: You're robotripping?
Bro: Yea dude, we're robotripping remember?
Guy: NO! Wait....what?
Bro: Look!
(Bro points to an empty jar of Robitussin on the coffee table)
Guy: Dude when did we decide to robotrip?
Bro: I don't know....Monday.
Guy: What day is it today?
(Bro looks at the Peanuts clock on the wall)
Bro: I don't know! WAIT! (pause) It's 2:15.
Guy: We started watching TV at like 11.
Bro: That's when we must have started tripping
Guy: I feel like I've been high for 96 hours!
Bro: Wait. Family Guy is on at 1.
Guy: Right. (pause)
Bro: Is this real life?
Guy: We couldn't have been tripping for 96 hours cause I had lunch this afternoon and I wasn't robotripping.
Bro: Each minute feels like 4.
Guy: I'M TETHERED TO THIS CHAIR!
Bro: What!
Guy: Kick my chair! I can't get out of it!
Bro: Are those stairs going up or down?
Guy: How much does this pen weigh? It feels different from before!
Bro: THERE'S A TRAIN COMING RIGHT TOWARDS ME!
Dude: WHY IS GROWING PAINS ON TV!
Bro: THE ROOM IS CAVING IN!
Dude: CHRIS WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING!

(In the corner, a young man named Chris Nolan is laughing and typing furiously at his type writer.)

FLASHFORWARD 25 YEARS.
Warner Exec (putting down a script): This isn't bad Chris, it's just...it seems like...you were on something when you wrote it.
Chris Nolan: I'm sorry, how much did The Dark Knight make?
Warner Exec: Inception is green lit. Here's 150 million dollars.

Those are my thoughts. Like I said before, I thought it was a really cool movie. It just seemed like the plot was actually very simple: Guy has to convince other guy of something so he can get what he wants. But it was made super complicated just for the fun of it. And they added explosions and stuff cause--why not? Everyone loves explosions! But it was well-acted, and Juno was good.

Until Tomorrow--

Day 50- The Golden Blogpost

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 00:45:00 +0000

First off, I would like to thank all you readers for your continued support of my blog. Your positive comments and enthusiasm makes it a joy for me to write. When I started the blog 2 years ago, I thought it was going to just be a summer project to keep me busy, but now, 50 posts later, because of your continued readership, I'm still going strong. So thanks!

Some interesting news: I have a statcounter on my blog so I can see how many hits I get, and two weeks ago for some reason I got an abnormally high amount of hits. 743! Then 300 the day after, 200 the day after that, and it has been in the hundreds every day since then. I tried to figure out why, and after some research I found out that a lot of those numbers come from people who get to the blog through a google image search. Specifically one google image has lead a lot of internet browsers to me.

This picture of BUG HALL. The kid who played Alfalfa in the Little Rascals movie. I wrote a post on him a couple years ago, and that page is considered a lead "entry page" into my blog. How could 235 people want to google a picture of Bug Hall? My guess. It's Bug Hall. Every day he googles himself at least 30 times, and he gets his parents and siblings to do the same, just to see if anything's changed. Anyway, thanks Bug! You've really increased my visibility on the internet.

ALRIGHT. Now the good stuff:

I've been really into Arnold Schwarzenegger movies lately. They are a pleasure to watch, the action is always pretty good, and they all rate about a 10.0 on the unintentionally funny scale. My most recent foray into Ahnuld cinema is the film: THE LAST ACTION HERO.

THE LAST ACTION HERO is the most Meta movie I've ever seen. It's about a loser kid who LOVES movies (no, that DOESN'T sound familiar to me). Especially Arnold Schwarzengger movies (interesting...). But he loves movies where Arnold Schwarzenegger plays a bad ass cop named Jack Slater. This kid is friends with this old dude (played by the guy who plays Jack Lundy in Mrs. Doubtfire) who runs a movie theater in the ghetto of Los Angeles. The old dude gives the boy a magic movie ticket that HARRY HOUDINI gave to him as a kid, and the action begins.

Now Harry Houdini was known for being a magician. But no one thought he was actually magical. This movie's entire plot is predicated on the notion that Harry Houdini is magical. Moving on.

The kid takes Harry Houdini's magic ticket with him to watch a Jack Slater movie, and suddenly BAM! The kid's in the Jack Slater movie! With Arnold Schwarzenegger. Playing Arnold Schwarzenegger playing Jack Slater. You still with me? The kid tries to convince Jack that he's in this movie, and that he is actually Arnold Schwarzenegger, but Jack refuses to believe this, even though the kid predicts when Jack is about to say things like, "Ill Be Back."

By the way: I hate "kids" in movies. They are so annoying and they ruin everything. Kids who are supposed to play self aware characters who say things like, "Mom wouldn't like this!" or "That was AWESOME!" just piss me off. Especially kids in adult movies. Kids who are cute and stuff like Mara Wilson are adorable, and I can't get enough of them. Alright. Back to the movie.

The movie seems like it's just a spoof of Arnold movies, but starring Arnold himself. So you get intentional humor, like this funny sequence where you see a preview of Arnold playing Jack Slater playing Hamlet and there is this exchange:

Hamlet: Hey Claudius! You killed my father! Big mistake!
Narrator: Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, and Hamlet is taking out the trash.
Old Man: Stay thy hand, fair prince.
Hamlet: [shooting him] Who said I'm fair?
Narrator: No one is going to tell this sweet prince good night.
Hamlet: To be or not to be? Not to be. [shoots him].

And of course there are the weird, ridiculous, intentionally funny, but in actuality disturbing, lines of dialogue like this:

Danny Madigan: I though I was going to die.
Jack Slater: Well I'm sorry to disappoint you but you're gonna live to enjoy all the glorious fruits life has got to offer - acne, shaving, premature ejaculation... and your first divorce.

Premature ejaculation? WTF.

The movie is also weirdly meta because other actors appear as themselves playing a "character" in movie reality. The kid, Danny, recognizes this one policeman as F. Murray Abraham, the actor who played Salieri in the movie "Amadeus" (which is about Mozart). But then the movie gets weird. Jack Slater says he's never heard of Mozart, and then later on when Jack gets into the real world, he listens to Mozart for the first time and really likes it. So in MOVIE Land, Mozart never existed? No Classical Music exists? How did music progress? Was it just Gregorian chants? Reading too deeply into absurd ideas like this make this movie particularly fun to watch.

But back to META-LAND. As I just mentioned, Jack Slater gets transported into the real world to try and stop the movie's villain (an actor doing a half-assed Alan Rickman impression) from killing the "real" Arnold Schwarzenegger at a movie premiere for a new Jack Slater movie.

So lets try and sort this out. We have Arnold Schwarzenegger playing Arnold Schwarzengger playing Jack Slater. Then we have Arnold Schwarzenegger playing real life Arnold Schwarzenegger, who himself is just another parody of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Who is the real Arnold? What's going on!!!!@!#$%^#@$%^#$%^

Sidenote: This reminded me of the last episode of this season's Curb Your Enthusiasm, where Larry David plays George Costanza in a rehearsal for the Seinfeld reunion. What was bizarre and meta about this was that Larry David the person was playing Larry David the character playing George Costanza the character who was based on Larry David the person. TRRRRIIIIIPPY.

Anyway this movie was fun to watch, was directed by John McTiernan, the director of DIE HARD, and I recommend it to anyone in the mood to get their mind blown. Also Veronica Vaughn (Bridgette Wilson Sampras) is in it. Score.

To speak further about Arnold himself, I must say that he is such a fascinating person. The man is our governor. Californians elected Austrian body builder and film action star Arnold Schwarzenegger (who had no prior governmental experience) as our governor because we loved his persona. During the election, he played himself up as the action star and that's why we voted for him. We wanted an action star as our governor. That's why I don't lay the blame with him, I think that Californians have a very strange sense of reality. In our minds, we cannot separate him the character from him the person because we love Hollywood, and who really is Arnold the person?

Then we were surprised and disappointed that he had trouble balancing the budget and passing effective legislation. That's what happens when you elect the Terminator into public office!

True Story: I met Arnold Schwarzenegger as a child. I was in a dance studio with my mom waiting to pick up my older sister who was in a jazz class with Arnold's daughter. Arnold was there to pick her up. Two moments stand out for me 10 years later:

1- I was drinking a Mountain Dew, and I burped fairly loudly. He turned around in his chair and looked at me in disgust.
2- We were in the studio watching the girls show us (the parents) the new dances they had learned today and Arnold kept yelling things out to the 11 year old girls. Things like: "Shake it Katarine!" (his daughter). "Move your bodies girls!" and "YEA! That's GREAT!"

ARRRRRNOOOOLLLLDDD!

This is him smoking a joint.

I wonder if he's played the part of Ahnuld so long, even he cannot distinguish his persona from his true self. I hope so. That's the world I want to live in.

Until Tomorrow--

PS. If you are a reader of this blog, and you have your own blog, please feel free to link my blog to your blog. If you let me know, I will respond in kind. Thank you. And God Bless America.

Day 49- I can't believe I'm going to say this, but there is going to be an Oscar Winner in "Soul Plane!"

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 03:44:00 +0000

Last Wednesday night, a gift was given to me. This gift wasn't a material object. Twas no car, no book, nor temporary tattoo. Twas no gummy bear, no basket, nor CD-Rom. The gift I was given was HBO showing the 1978 film, "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" last Wednesday, at 2 in the morning. I had kind of knew of this film's existence because I had read a tiny blurb about it in a magazine when "Across the Universe" came out, but as I was watching this movie, I was shocked that no one had ever really spoken about it to me before as this movie fills satisfies two of my most major interests:

1. The Beatles
2. Crazy ridiculous comedy (intentional and unintentional)

Let me go into more depth about why I was shocked that I had never seen or been referred to this movie. As a Beatles fan/buff I figured I was at least familiar with all things even remotely Beatles related. I know all the Beatles stories, I've seen every episode of the Simpsons that had featured a Beatle (there are 3), I saw the Cirque del Soleil Beatles LOVE show, and I even took a pilgrimage to Liverpool last summer for crying out loud. (The picture on the left is me at John Lennon's childhood home). So why hadn't any person, book, or retrospective told me about ANOTHER movie that featured exclusively Beatles songs.

As a comedy fan, I am always on the lookout of things that are funny, and I think I do a pretty thorough job of finding all the funny in blogs, mustaches, books, comedians, movies, silly objects etc. And as much as I love intentional comedy, I sometimes equally love unintentional comedy. For example, I love old records with hilarious covers, I love Bushisms, Arnold Schwarzenegger movies, Teen Wolf, and pretty much anything that is hilarious because of how dated it is, or because of how serious it was supposed to be taken. (The picture on the right is what I found when I googled "unintentional comedy." The one getting stretched is former NBA point guard Sam Cassell.

So you can imagine my delight when I began watching "Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band" about 1/3 of the way into the movie. By now you're probably asking, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS MOVIE?! Why do you like it so much?! Why do my parents hate me? While I can't help you with answering the last one, I will surely address the other two.

"Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band" is a 1978 musical starring Peter Frampton and the BeeGees (who by themselves rate about a 9.5 on the unintentional comedy scale). This is the first hilarious part about this movie. What could the producers of this movie have possibly been thinking?

Producer 1: God I love the Beatles!
Producer 2: Who doesn't?
Producer 1: Communists. That's who.
Producer 2: Alright Producer 1 take it easy.
Producer 1: Sorry. Hey you remember those earlier Beatles movies? Like A Hard Days Night, and Help?
Producer 2: Sure. Those movies were the best!
Producer 1: Ok, well what do those movies have in common?
Producer 2: Are you serious?
Producer 1: Just go with me on this!
Producer 2: They both had the Beatles.
Producer 1: Aaaaaannnnddd.....
Producer 2: Aaaaaannnd what? This is stupid.
Producer 1: Aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnddddd.........
Producer 2: Alright I give up, just tell me.
Producer 1: AAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDD........
Producer 2 (pulls out a gun from his desk drawer): Say AND again! Say AND again!
Producer 1: Fine. I'll tell you. They both feature Beatles MUSIC!
Producer 2: Well....yea. What else are the Beatles gonna sing?
Producer 1: Well, what if we could make a NEW movie featuring Beatles songs!
Producer 2: The Beatles broke up 8 years ago! They aren't going to want to do another movie!
Producer 1: So we'll get another group to sing their songs!
Producer 2: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Who wants to hear anyone other than the Beatles sing their songs?
Producer 1: (Does line of coke) I KNOW! We'll get the BEEGEES!
Producer 2: You've just done way too much coke. The BeeGees?!
Producer 1: Everyone loved their music in Saturday Night Fever (which I produced).
Producer 2: Well that's because it was THEIR music. Why would the BeeGees even agree to do this movie?
Producer 1: Let's just say there are some pictures Robin Gibb would not like the public to see.
Producer 2: You're insane!
Producer 1: Oh I'm not insane! It will be a crazy psychedelic adventure! We'll get Peter Frampton in it too!
Producer 2: Peter Frampton?!
Producer 1: Yea, and Alice Cooper! And Earth Wind and Fire! And we'll put Steve Martin in it!
Producer 2: That stand up comedian?! He hasn't even been in a movie! I dont think he sings!
Producer 1: And then George Burns will narrate!
Producer 2: George Burns! Why the hell would he agree to do this movie?
Producer 1: Lets just say there are some pictures George Burns would not like the public to see.
Producer 2: You're crazy. You've done way too much coke today. Maybe you should lay off it a bit. Relax. You're out of your mind!
Producer 1: CRAZY! I'm not CRAZY! (Pulls out a gun from his desk drawer)
Producer 2: Hey Producer 1, what are you doing?
Producer 1: I'm craaaazy all right! Crazzy like a fox!
Producer 2: Put down the gun ok. It's not a toy.
Producer 1: You'll see! You'll all see! This movie will rule I tell you! I'm back baby! I'm back! Ma! Look at me! I'm on top! Haaaa haaaaa! MAMMA! LOOK AT ME!
Producer 2: Alright that's enou--
(SHOT GOES OFF! Producer 2 looks down at his chest. Presses two fingers against his ribcage. Pulls them back and stares slowly at them. They are tainted with blood. He looks down. There is a bloody patch on his shirt that is growing. He looks back up at Producer 1. Producer 1 just stares back at him. Fade to black).

Alright. Now that we got that covered let me tell actually give you all some more detail about this movie. Here are some highlights that made me feel like this movie was made for me at that moment I was watching it.

1. Only 15 minutes before I was in my room where I have a hilarious BeeGees Record "Children of the World" taped up to my wall. I turn on the TV and there are the BeeGees! They are on top of a roof. BUT FROZEN LIKE STATUES. A girl gets off of a bus coming from HEARTLAND and stares at them. Then the camera cuts back to the girl. And back to them. Each time the camera cuts back to the girl we get closer and closer for no reason. Then the music starts. On top of an adjacent building we see 3 "Dreamgirls." They begin to sing a really slow trippy version of Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. Then, the main girl gives each Bee Gee Statue a stare, and they COME TO LIFE. Then magically they are transported to the Dreamgirls rooftop, about 5 meters away (!!). After about a minute of elbowing each other and looking happy and turned on by how "hot" the Dreamgirls are, they rush over and start to dance with the Dreamgirls. Again more weird close-ups of the girl. Did I mention Barry Gibb's hair is out of this world.

2. Another scene had a mad scientist Steve Martin singing "Maxwell's Silver Hammer," in his crazy laboratory and then zapping the BeeGees with lasers as they try and steal a silver Trombone. Did I mention that the BeeGees never talk the entire movie. George Burns narrates and the BeeGees just sing in falsetto and make knowing glances at each other. At the end of the scene, Peter Frampton gets tased good.

3. After that, the girl (from the weird close-ups) takes unconscious Peter Frampton into her arms and starts singing Strawberry Fields Forever to him. The tears that swell up in her eyes during the song end up dropping on Peter Frampton. The tears also each have a different picture of the girl in them. Peter Frampton wakes up and he and the girl hug while the girl continues to sing. Then they look at each other, her still singing. Then they hug again. They do this for the rest of the song. Repeatedly looking at each other and then hugging. No kissing. Then she wouldnt be able to sing! It's as if the producers said: well we spent too much money on the last scene, lets just not do anything during this song.

4. Alice Cooper sing-speaks "Because" in front of a bunch of people he is brainwashing. Think that scene from Zoolander where Mugatu makes that crazy video that tells Zoolander to kill the Prime Minister of Malaysia. This video is crazy trippy animation mixed with Alice Cooper, and the words "We Hate Love. We Love Money."

5. The BeeGees decide to participate in a PARADE! They're on a float singing and dancing to "For the Benefit of Mister Kite!" with elephants, clowns and jugglers! They're all wearing ridiculous costumes too. Then suddenly...GEORGE BURNS APPEARS (sans his trademark cigar). He joins the procession and gets his own verse in the most insane musical numbers I've ever seen. It's a parade. With the BeeGees. And Peter Frampton. And George Burns. And all wearing ridiculous costumes. And they're singing Beatles songs. And they're all smiling.

That's all I'm going to give you. I IMPLORE you to watch this movie. To be honest, in a later viewing I watched the movie from the beginning, and the beginning just so bad and ridiculous (as is the plot--if you though the plot of "Across the Universe" was weak...) that I urge you to watch the movie halfway through with no idea what is going on. It's much more fun that way.

I'll leave you with one more nugget of hilarity. Apparently, Robert DeNiro had was cast in one of the lead roles in Edge Of Darkness (the new Mel Gibson movie). But sources claim, "he was fired because he didn't memorize his lines". Now, Robert's people would not confirm nor deny this statement. HOW CRAZY is that?! Robert DeNiro! One of the best actors of all time! Decided "fuck it, I dont want to memorize my lines." This supports my theory that Robert DeNiro simply doesnt give a shit anymore. He made his good movies. He's happy with them. Now he's content to win lifetime achievement awards, and earn fat paychecks. Look at his imdb page and explain to me why every movie he's made since 1997 is horrendous (save for Meet the Parents. I love that movie). Rocky and Bullwinkle? Showtime? Hide and Seek? Stardust? Righteous Kill? Ok, maybe he was swayed by Pacino on that, but FUCK THAT. When the third actor on the call sheet is 50 Cent, I think you have to know that you're not making an actual movie. Is DeNiro waiting for his pal Martin Scorcese's obsession with Leo DiCaprio to subside? DeNiro just changed agencies, so maybe this can be a good thing. All I'm asking is for one more awesome performance before you die Robert. You've become a parody of yourself now, it's time to shape up. I know you're old. But c'mon. Gimme one more. Please?

Oh, and just a reminder--Mel Gibson still hates Jews. Just because some time has past doesnt mean he hates us less.

Until Tomorrow--

Day 48- "Knight and Day" is One of the Stupidest Titles I've Ever Heard

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 02:19:00 +0000

Since it debuted last year after the season finale of American Idol, GLEE has become a cultural phenomenon. People seem to love the cast, the music (which is hitting the tops of the iTunes charts), the tone, the stories and all of that hullabullo. I myself must admit that I do indeed enjoy the show from time to time. (FALSE. I never miss an episode on Hulu.) But as much as I love the beautifully Semitic Lea Michele and outrageously hilarious Jane Lynch, I do have a few petty gripes about the show.

1. The actors who play Finn and Puck are 27 years old! The actor who plays the Will Schuester, the teacher, is 31! True, both "high schoolers" dont exactly look 27, but now that I know they are, it just is a bit weird for me. I wonder how old the actresses are...(Yea--the guy in the picture looks 16!)

2. Will Schuester tears up more than middle schoolers do at their last school dance. I feel like he cries in every episode! In the pilot he cries when he finds out his bitch wife is pregnant and when the kids sing "Dont Stop Believing." I think Will cries in episode 3, when he finds out his dad is going to law school. He cries in another episode when he sees the fake sonogram of his fake baby. He cries when his kids do nice things with wheelchairs. He cries when he finds out his wife has been lying to him, he cries when he realizes that the teacher he has a crush on is getting married, and he cries when he hears the kids sing at sectionals over the phone. He cries when he ties his shoes. He cries when he has to make a number 2. The dude is one big crying pussy. As my friend Joseph "loves to go mountain climbing in the terrorist infested Sinai Desert" Rosenberg says way too often, "MAN UP!" Stop crying all the time. It cheapens real emotional moments if he cries every damn time something happens to him!

3. Terri Schuester. Will's wife. She's just plain annoying. You hate her from the first episode and never realize why Will is still with her. Luckily, it seems as if she's out of the picture a bit more.

4. Everything Mercedes Jones says is cliched "sassy black woman" speak. For example:
"Oh, HELL to the naw! Look, I'm not down with this background singing nonsense! I'm Beyoncé, I ain't no Kelly Rowland."
"Why do we need to go all vanilla on this song? What we need is my chocolate thunder."

I feel like Mercedes' only defining characteristics are that she is sassy, and proud to be black. There was one episode where her character was given a bit more depth (the one where she wants to date Kurt), but that storyline was used more as a plot device to help Kurt come out. All I'm saying is, give the sistah* more to do and say!
*J.Wizzle, as the "Ehollywood Nonsense Race Expert, maybe you have more to say on the subject...?

5. I dont think Puck is a great actor, and there's too much baby mama drama. Hopefully that will all end soon.

THAT'S ENOUGH ABOUT GLEE. I'm going to switch gears now to do something I was thinking about today.

BEST OF LISTS
Here are some of my TV Best Ofs.

Best Sitcom of All Time- Seinfeld
- Perfect storytelling and timeless.

Best Animated Sitcom of All Time- The Simpsons
- Set the bar. And continued to raise it.

Funniest Show of All Time- Arrested Development
- Also the most brilliant.

Funniest Kids Show of All Time- Animaniacs!
- I've written about this before.

Weirdest Kids Show of All Time- Weinerville
- What isn't weird about giant heads in tiny bodies?

Best Show about Presidents of All Time- The West Wing
- The theme music seals the deal for me.

Best Show from Australia- Summer Heights High
- Puck you Miss!

Best Comedy Series That Only Lasted One Season- Stella
- Modern day Marx Brothers shorts

Best Drama Series Set in an Office- The West Wing
- I love me some Jedediah Bartlett

Best Comedy Series Set in an Office- The Office (UK)
- I have to choose this over the US version because it came first.

Best US Version of a British Comedy Series- The Office (US)
- There you go.

Biggest Impact of a Show With A Short Lifespan- The O.C.
- Think about it, it is responsible for Laguna Beach, all the Real Housewives Shows, Gossip Girl, and the entire ABC Family lineup. It reinvented or perhaps reinvigorated the prime time soap opera by involving hot, rich teenagers.

TV Show that Launched the Career of the Biggest Star- The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
- I was tempted to say E.R., but Up in the Air did not make $70 million opening weekend.

Best Series Taking Place in the 1960s- Mad Men
- Runner Up: The Brady Bunch

Best IMPROV TV Show- Whose Line is it Anyway?
- Half of America had never heard of improv until this show

Guy who felt the worst when another TV succeeded- Jamie Kennedy
- Seeing Punk'd become a cultural phenomenon, after his own hidden camera show, "The Jamie Kennedy Experiment" bombed, must have SUCKED.

Best Dan Schneider (look him up--he created all of Nickelodeon's shows and their spinoffs) Show- All That!

Best Sketch Comedy Show of All Time- SNL
- Name me another sketch comedy show that's lasted 35 years

Best TV Theme Song of Al Time- Growing Pains
- There are so many good ones, but for me, this one sticks.

NOW SOME WORSTS!

Worst Game Show Involving Suitcases- Deal or No Deal
- SIDE BAR ANECDOTE. An episode of Deal or No Deal was on at the gym (YEA, I GO TO THE GYM! SO WHAT?) and it was a college edition. When I tuned in, the dude picking the suitcases had 4 left: $5, $10, $50, $50,000. He picks a case--it's the $50,0000 one. He's then given a deal for $25. He says no deal. He picks another case. It's the $50 one. He's given a deal now for $7.50!!! No deal! He picks another case! $10! So he's left with his own suitcase worth $5. It was the least amount of money I've ever seen anyone win on any game show ever! Hilarious!

Worst IMPROV TV Show- Wild N'Out
- Nick Cannon is to comedy what Mariah Carey is to comedy

Worst Premise for a TV Show- My Mother The Car
- The guy's mother was reincarnated as a talking car!

Worst Spinoff- Joanie Loves Chachi
- I love Joanie. I love Chachi. I dont like Joanie Loves Chachi.

Show that Most Definitely Was Racist- Homeboys from Outer Space
- This was a real show. It starred the guy from "One on One" (Flex Alexander). I think the NAACP staged an intervention.

Worst Lead Actress on a TV Show- Fran Drescher
- I dont want to talk about it.

Alright. I'm spent. I'm sure there are a lot more I could write about, but I'm tired and I want spaghetti. So...

Until Tomorrow---

PS. How do you pronounce Ke$ha's name?
PPS. Agree OR disagree with my bests/worsts? Comment!

Day 47- Apparently I skipped entry 37, but i have 47 posts...interesting.

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 08:46:00 +0000

The following stems from a conversation between myself and Daniel "I taped cotton balls around Bleeding Gums Murphy's feet in my toy Springfield Universe tableau to replicate the exact moment in The Simpsons, episode "Round Springfield" where Lisa and Bleeding Gums jam to 'Jazzman'" Arkin:

A series of Hollywood WTFs:

1. The New Spider-Man

Spider-Man 4 is suddenly becoming a Spider-Man origin story sans Director Sam Raimi and the original cast. Why? Because Sony wanted a new Spider-Man movie in the next 2 years and Sam Raimi wasn't happy with the quality of the scripts and wanted a higher budget than the $230 Million they had planned.

This is upsetting on so many levels. We all know Hollywood (and apparently shareholders in the CORPORATION that wants as much of the aptly named unobtanium as it can get) is all about the bottom line. Money. So I can understand why Sony would not want to spend $230 million on a movie franchise who's time in the cultural spotlight may be a little past. However, this tactic of going back to another origin story seems to me to be unwise. Firstly, even though the Spider Man 4 script has gone through 4 writers (among them Seabiscuit's Gary Ross, and Pulitizer Prize Winner David Lindsay-Abaire), Sam Raimi has been resistant because he felt that the script was simply not good enough and that he could not make the start date of the movie and keep the film's creative integrity.

So there you have it. A studio being impatient and now, having to start from scratch to make a 2012 release date. All business aside, I dont see how an origin story can help this franchise. It had an origin story nine years ago! It's not that far from people's minds. Reboot origin stories have worked in the past with Batman, James Bond, "Sister Act I: The Birth of Christ", "Jingle All the Way I: The First Jingle....AND THE LAST(?)", "Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married" prequel, "Tyler Perry's Why am I a Baby?" and the upcoming prequel to the yet to be released Miley Cyrus movie, "The Last Song," entitled (but I think this is just a working title) "The First Period." These movies have worked because, in the case of Batman and I believe 007, these famous characters had never had their origin stories on film (save for the couple minute introduction in Tim Burton's Batman). Also, both Batman and Robin, and Die Another Day had strayed so far from the tone of the source material that there was no place else to go but back to the beginning. Both Batman Begins and Casino Royale preserved the artistic integrity of the source material, and carried the same tone. Batman comics were not always campy, silly and ridiculous, and Ian Flemming's James Bond did not battle villains with fake faces who constructed space satellites intended to harness solar beams to cut through the minefield in the demilitarized zone in North Korea, allowing North Korea to invade other countries and rule the world. The original Bond worked on a slightly smaller scale.

Anyway--2001's Spider-Man was an origin story that DID capture the tone of the comics. Tobey Maguire played Peter Parker, a high schooler with a crush on a girl, who along with the stress of being a teenager and living with an old geezer aunt, had to deal with super-powers and bad guys. So where do you go from here? A Spider-Man crime noir like the Dark Knight? A Spider-Man in which a naked Peter Parker gets repeatedly socked in the balls by a rope with two brass balls on the end of it (a weapon who's only purpose appears to be hitting men in the swimsuit area)? Do you skew Spider-Man even younger by casting Zac Efron? Do you make Mary-Jane a little more Chicano?

In this version, when Spider-Man is nervous and excited he breaks out in a song called, "Nervous and Excited."

Do you cast Jesse Eisenberg and make Peter Parker more intellectual and Jewish? Or do you cast Michael Cera and make Peter Parker a virgin? Do you cast Justin Long and make Peter Parker boring? Or do you cast Zach Galifinakis and make Peter Parker fat and with a beard?

Anyway, as you can see, I'm not too thrilled at the possibilities for this movie....Actually--just save us all the trouble and cast Justin Timberlake. Throw artistic integrity aside. I would totally see that movie. When's the new album drop J-Tizzle? I think I speak for all of us when we say we're ready for you to bring Sexy Back...AGAIN!

2. The Whole Conan/Leno Debacle
There already has been so much said on the Internet on the subject that I will try and remain brief. My opinion is this: NBC put themselves in a terrible situation, and did not have a plan B.
First, with the knowledge that Jay Leno was number one in the ratings, they still edged him to retire, and in 2006, all parties agreed that Jay Leno would leave the Tonight Show, Conan would host the Tonight Show, someone new (it turned out to be Jimmy Fallon) would host the Late Show, and Carson Daly would still be a huge tool bag who hasn't really existed since 2002.

Even with, as Conan himself put it, "more lucrative offers" available, Conan waited it out expecting that as his contract as guaranteed, he would host the Tonight Show. The time came, he was given the show, and all was well....until a big boned butthead decided that he didnt want to retire, even though he had agreed to it 3 years prior. Ok, fine. He's entitled to change his mind, but the Tonight Show wasn't his anymore. This is where NBC screwed everything up. They decided that they wanted to keep Jay, as he was very popular. Again, understandable, as he would have otherwise gone to another competing network. But their plan did a lot more harm than good. Not only did they get rid of all of their 10 o'clock dramas, making network TV even more of a wasteland of shitty serials and reality shows, but they also screwed all of their affiliate stations whose news programs were losing viewers because they were coming after Jay, and no one wanted to watch another crappy talk show.

By the way, it should be noted that this year, the dramas NBC has on the air now are: Trauma, Mercy, Friday Night Lights, Heroes and 2 Law and Orders. That's it. I still love NBC comedies, but seriously? Putting on Jay Leno and having this drama lineup basically says, "We don't know how to run a network, or find good material."

Besides the network being an asshole to Conan now, stabbing him in the back and showing him zero support after he moved his whole family, staff, and life, and after only 7 months of show, my biggest problem is this I guess: Why does Jay even want to do a talk show anymore? He doesn't need the money. He doesn't need the affirmation--everyone knows he was a successful Tonight Show host for 17 years! Is it for the comedy? The need to put out something original, creative, and innovative? No. Have you seen the Jay Leno show? He just does his same old bits, and then hires OTHER comedians to do field pieces. Does he really like interviewing celebrities? I can't imagine that. It's not like he's really asking them pressing questions anyway.

So Sandra Bullock, you are in The Proposal...what was it like when your husband proposed to you?
So Gabourey Sidibe, was the movie Precious really based on the book 'Push' by Sapphire?

I know Jay loves stand-up. But NOTHING is stopping him from doing that. He could do stand-up every day in front of a live audience for the rest of his life!

Conan LOVES the Tonight Show. He wouldnt have stayed on NBC this long if he didn't. He also LOVES comedy and the talk-show format. He is always doing innovative comedy pieces and pushing the limits of what a talk-show can be. Why take that away from someone in order to put on mediocrity? Conan clearly has so much more to give.

I'm sure it all comes down to money, and no one at NBC wants to lose their jobs. But c'mon suits! You've become the laughing stock of the entire industry. Start problem solving and figure out a way to keep Conan, because if he leaves (and I believe he will unless something drastic happens) the brands of The Tonight Show and NBC will be tarnished forever.

***In the midst of writing this post it seems that the rumors are that Conan is going to leave, giving NBC a royal f-u, and hopefully recoup the $60 million that his contract entitled him to, if he were to be "fired," and that Jay will either be given a new show called the "Tonight Show" or will leave too. NBC royally fucked up. Conan is in talks to have an 11-12 show at Fox. I will be watching that show.

****I just realized that I was entirely NOT brief. Oh well.

To end on happier notes
1. Go rent/buy the film: "In the Loop." It was the smartest, and one of the funniest comedies of the whole year.
2. I'm very excited to see Ricky Gervais host the Golden Globes. Make no mistake, I could give 2 shits about the Golden Globes, but I LOVE Ricky Gervais. He promises to be cheeky, tart, funny, and drunk. If you dont believe me, check out any of his award show appearances ever. Or this clip of him and Elmo, which is one of my favorites:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kr9_5uZn6ds
3. Apparently on February 20th, live at the Nokia Theatre, Will Ferrell is with former Angelino and new Seattletino Pete Carroll, hosting a benefit show with performances from Tenacious D, Tim and Eric, Nick Swardson (who I saw at Century City the other day wearing very low shorts), Demetri Martin, and more. I will not be in town, but if I were, I would definitely get tickets.

Until Tomorrow---

Day 46- Should we refer to fans of Avatar as "Avatards?"

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 23:31:00 +0000

If you are a long time reader of the blog you may remember a feature I call, "Actors Who are the Same." Well today I'm expanding that to...."MOVIES THAT ARE THE SAME." Today I will be examining two blockbuster action films. "Commando" (1985) and "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" (2009). While made in different decades and seemingly different (one stars Arnold Schwarzenegger as a Commando and one stars Hugh Jackman as a Wolverine), these two films are in many ways, the same movie.

Essentially, both movies begin the same. "Commando" begins when you meet retired special agent named John Matrix (although he's changed his name) living in a secluded mountain home with his daughter Jenny (a spunky young Alyssa Milano). John used to lead an elite unit but disagreed with the goals of some of his previous missions, so he retired.

In the beginning of "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" (which will be hereafter be referred to as simply "Wolverine"), you learn that Wolverine was also an elite commander in a special military forces unit. He has retired because he too disagreed with the goals of his missions. And he is living where? In a secluded cabin in the mountains with not his daughter, but his lover, Kayla. He too has been living with a different name.

In "Commando," John's hideaway is found out by the military, and it is revealed to John (who like Wolverine most often appears shirtless), by his former boss, General Franklin Kirby, that members of his former unit are being killed one by one. It turns out that the one behind the killings is a former member of Matrix's unit, BENNET.

Similarly, in "Wolverine", Wolverine's hideaway is found by the military, and his former boss, General Stryker informs him that someone has been going around killing former member's of Wolverine's elite mutant team. It is Victor! Wolverine's brother and former super mutant elite squad team member!

In "Commando," John Matrix is coerced by Bennett (who has kidnapped his daughter) to reluctantly go through with a political assassination for a man called Arius (impeccably portrayed by the incomparable Dan Hedeya), a South American warlord formerly bested by Matrix who wishes to lead a military coup in his home country. Arius threatens John that he will have Jenny killed if he does not accept the demand. One last mission.

In "Wolverine," Victor kills Wolverine's sexy girlfriend, which coerces Wolverine to reluctantly accept Stryker's demand to find Victor and kill him. One last mission.

Rather than comply with Arius's demands, Matrix, who has cinematically been transformed into COMMANDO, helped by a woman named Cindy, goes ape-shit on the bad guys trying to get him to set off the coup, and sets out to find where Arius and Bennett are holding Jenny captive. He goes straight into the lion's den, him versus the thousands of armed guards (who dont stand a chance), stopping at nothing to get his daughter back. Finally, he faces off with his former partner, for the last time!

During the adamantium procedure that is supposed to give Wolverine the power to beat his brother, Wolverine overhears that they are going to also wipe out his memory. Rather than go along with these corrupt assholes, he goes apeshit, escaping his captors. Then with the help of Gambit, he finds out that Victor and Stryker are in cohoots, and so he goes back to the lion's den (the giant military lab) to kill the men behind the murder of his wife (and the hundreds of guards who stand in his way). There, he faces off with his former partner, for the last time!

HAVE I CONVINCED YOU THAT THESE TWO ARE BASICALLY THE SAME MOVIE? If you are not convinced I suggest you rent Commando or watch it ondemand. It is truly one of the best films of the 1980s, and Arnold's muscles are so huge clothes dont even fit him. He has no choice BUT to be shirtless. The cheesy Ahnuld quips are also to die for. For example:

Matrix: Remember, Sully, when I promised to kill you last?
Sully: That's right, Matrix. You did.
Matrix: I lied.

AND

Cooke: You scared, motherfucker? Well, you should be, because this Green Beret is going to kick your big ass!
Matrix: I eat Green Berets for breakfast. And right now, I'm very hungry!

I couldn't leave out:

Matrix: [after killing a man in the plane] Don't disturb my friend, he's dead tired.

Alright that's enough.......Anyway you get the picture. Arnold is the best action star of all time and this movie---ALRIGHT ONE MORE!

Gen. Kirby: Leave anything for us?
Matrix: Just bodies.

This movie was so funny, that it also inspired Wild Willi$ and I to create an improv game. It is called COMMANDO. The game is, you are given the name of an object and you have to think of a funny quip Ahnuld would say after killing somone with that object. For example--Clock.
"Your time is up."
"Time to die."
"What time is it? It doesnt matter...YOU'RE DEAD!"

You get the picture. Anyway this movie is far better than Wolverine. In any sort of art duplication or replication, something is lost in the process, and the duplicate can never truly be as good as the original. Hence the reason why remakes and spin offs arent typically that good. GO SEE COMMANDO.

Finally, I was just watching "The Insider" (a 1999 movie about a tobacco company whistle blower (Russell Crowe) who tried to reveal top secret information about nicotine and cigarettes, and the 60 Minutes producer (Al Pacino) who tried to get the story on the air. First of all, this is a fabulous movie and I highly recommend it. But what I also liked about it, was that the cute girl from the old Pepsi commercials was in it! Hallie Eisenberg! She was soo cute! Much cuter than her brother, Zombieland/Adventureland/upcoming Facebook Movie actor Jesse Eisenberg. Remember how cute she was, singing with Aretha Franklin, bonding with Bicentennial Man Robin Williams, and talking to a stupid parrot named, Paulie? She hasnt done anything high profile as of late, and as the case with Mara Wilson, I think this is for the best. I would rather only remember her as adorable girl from those commercials. Anyway, I just wanted to remind everyone how cute that little girl was.

Until Tomorrow--

Day 45- Thank God Jeff Golblum is Still Alive

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 03:03:00 +0000

Last week I read somewhere about translated movie titles of American movies in foreign markets and I thought I'd share some of them here cause they are so funny:

In Israel:
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs translates to It's Raining Falafel!
Knocked Up translates to The Guy Who Screwed Me
She's the Man translates to She's Got Balls

In France:
The Hangover translates to Very Bad Night
Cruel Intentions translates to Sex Intentions
The Matrix translates to The Young People Who Traverse Dimensions While Wearing Sunglasses

In Germany:
Airplane! translates to The Unbelievable Trip In A Wacky Aeroplane
Annie Hall translates to Urban Neurotic

In Italy:
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind translates to If You Leave Me I Delete You

In the Czech Republic:
Hot Shots translates to Warm Shots

In Argentina:
Grease translates to Vaseline!

That's enough of that. If you guys know more, post them in the comments.

The next thing on the list is a discussion of sexy women who marry weird looking dudes. We see it on sitcoms all the time. How did SHE end up with Jim Belushi?! How did SHE end up with Mike O'Malley? How did SHE end up with Peter Griffin? We all know about Janet Jackson dating Jermaine Dupri and how gross that was. But lets look at 2 more recent examples of this:

Recently, two of Mad Men's female stars, Elisabeth Moss and Christina Hendricks, got married. Both to weird, nebbishly looking dudes. Elisabeth Moss in my opinion is not that attractive, but I guess she's cute, and she's considered one of the more talented young actresses in Hollywood. She was even nominated for an Emmy last year. She could have used her clout to snag one of Hollywood's hot youngin's but she decided to go for the more unconventional route. She's currently married to SNL castmember Fred Armisen. Don't get me wrong, I love Fred Armisen, but he's a tiny, weird lookin dude.

Christina Hendrick's example is far more unsettling. This woman, who plays Joan on Mad Men*, is perhaps the sexiest woman alive right now. And she decided to marry this guy:

Geoffrey Arend. He's the guy in Super Troopers who says, "These Snozzberries Taste Like Snozzberries!" I dont think he deserves to stand in the same room as Ms. Hendricks! If she is a 10, then he is a 2. And it's not like he's Lyle Lovett or Dwight Yoakam who are ugly, but famous and legendarily charming. He's not even David Spade who has a history of banging hot blonds (Heather Locklear, Nicolette Sheridan, Playmate Jillian Grace etc.)

ASIDE: Adam Corolla has a theory that I think has some truth. Women like to date men who have dated hot women because it affirms that they themselves are hot. Why else would anyone date David Spade? He's not that funny, he is about 5 foot nothing, and is about as interesting looking as a table. The story behind Adam's theory is that one time when Corrolla was on the Howard Stern show, he met a hot blond model. Apparently Spade was supposed to appear on the show as well. Adam went up to the model and said, "Hey, do you want me to introduce you to David Spade?" To which the model replied, "Oooh. He dates really hot blonds right? Sure!" She didn't say, "Oh he's cute." Or "Oh, he's funny!" She was clearly interested because she knew that dating him would affirm her own "hotness." Absurd.

BACK TO JOAN. She could have gotten any guy she wanted, and she chose snozzberries? Maybe they started dating before she was famous, but still! He's a 2, she's a 10. You might say, well she plays the accordion, so she cant be a 10. FALSE. Because she plays the accordion she He's a stringbean and she's a whole lotta woman. Can he possibly please her sexually?

Side note: People have speculated if Ms. Hendrick's curves and chest are padded for the show. But as evidenced by this picture...they're real and they're spectacular!

I guess the world is just a crazy, illogical place sometimes, where beauty and the beast can get it on, and where Mystery can wear a huge hat with feathers and goggles and suddenly be The Sexiest Man Alive. Where the talented and graceful Brittany Murphy perishes way too early, but Paris Hilton is still walking around giving people STDs. Where Jennifer Hudson can win an Oscar before Kate Winslet. Where a movie about 9 foot tall, tailed, blue creatures makes $250 million worldwide opening weekend!

BTW: AVATAR=Alice and Wonderland + The Matrix + Pocahontas + The Last of the Mohicans + Dances with Wolves + Fern Gully: The Last Rainforest + Wall-E+Platoon

Where Paul Blart: Mall Cop can merit a sequel. Where Transformers can make $700 million but The Hurt Locker only makes $13.6 million. Where Arrested Development lasts 2 1/2 seasons but "Still Standing" and "Yes, Dear" are syndicated. Where a petition to free Roman Polanski is signed by many, even though he drugged, raped and then sodomized a 13 year old girl. Where Sandra Bullock can get nominated for any sort of award for her performance in The Proposal. AND where a character on 30 Rock needs a kidney transplant, and only 5 months later, an actual cast member (Grizz) needs a kidney. Such cruel irony, world. Such cruel irony.

LASTLY: I just went to a comedy show at the Largo last night. Here are my calls:

Paul F. Tompkins: A
Jon Cryer: B-
Woman comedian talking about the Golden Girls: B
Nick Kroll (pictured): A++. THIS GUY is my new favorite comedian. Not only are his characters (Bobby Bottleservice in particular) hysterical, but his stand-up left me bowled over with laughter.
Tig Notaro: B+
Greg Proops: C

Until Tomorrow---

*When Jon Hamm and January Jones kiss each other on Mad Men who do you think feels luckier? Is Jon Hamm thinking, "Wow! I cant believe I'm getting paid to kiss this beautiful woman!" Or is January Jones thinking (in a Borat voice), "Wa Wa Wee Wa! I cannot believe I'm kissing this man who's brawn and masculinity is only exceeded by his handsomeness!" Personally, I think she feels luckier.
** I just read that former Los Angeles Laker Rick Fox is dating Dollhouse's Eliza Dushku. WOT.

Day 44- Oliver Twist Wanted More

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 04:38:00 +0000

I'm back. After a long hiatus, filled with classes, extra-curriculars, and playing with my new cat (the bestest, cutest, most snuggly wuggly cat in the whole wide world) Snuggles, I've returned to my favorite blog. I have a lot to say, so lets get going.

1. BLOG NEWS UPDATE: As some of you may recall, in a previous blog post I wrote about how David Mamet was adapting The Diary of Anne Frank for Disney. I alluded that said project was going to be very dark, intense and highly unconventional. And guess what---Big Poppa Ethan was RIGHT. Sure enough, Disney is trying to get rid of the project. "It's very intense, and dark and scary," said a Disney executive. "It's not a film version of 'The Diary of Anne Frank.' Apparently, the screenplay that Mamet wrote is not a drama based on the diary, but a story about contemporary suicide bombings.

David Mamet. The man lives by his own rules.

2. There are 3 movies I have seen lately that I will recommend.

a. The first is the Coen Brothers' (Loyal Reader Daniel Arkin just got a boner)"A Serious Man." It's about a Jewish (I know, I know, I got a lot of Jewish stuff in this post. Sue me.) physics professor living in Minnesota in the 1960s. Besides the facts that I very much enjoyed all the Jewish references, and actor Fyvush Finkel (the silliest named actor from "Boston Public") was in it, this movie was remarkable. The story was engaging, always unpredictable, the acting was spectacular (especially Curb Your Enthusiasm and Spin City alumn Richard Kind, and Fred Melamed who's voice is the richest, most soothing, and most luscious voice I've heard since James Earl Jones, and who coincidentally enough voices the Talk Radio show host on "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas"), but the cinematography, the images, the motifs, the sets, the dialogue...EVERYTHING was just top-notch.

SIDETRACK: I've been playing a lot of this game "MT. RUSHMORE" with my friends lately. Bill Simmons came up with it. Basically you sit around and decide who would make the Mt. Rushmore of certain categories, for instance--Rappers. You have to choose the 4 most influential, legendary, important, famous, people in that particular field. There are no right answers, you just have to be able to defend your picks. For rappers I would say Tupac, Biggie, Dre and Jay-Z. For stand-up comedians I would say Richard Pryor, George Carlin, Steve Martin and probably Jerry Seinfeld. ANYWHOZELBEES---I brought this all up because I was discussing the Mt. Rushmore of famous VOICES. Who has the most important, recognizable, influential voices. My picks(and they are subject to change) are James Earl Jones, Morgan Freeman, Don LaFontaine (the guy who used to do the voice-overs for all the movie trailers) and maybe at a close 4th, Martin Luther King Jr. He barely squeaks in. READERS--IN YOUR COMMENTS, WRITE IN YOUR OWN MT. RUSHMORES FOR ANY CATEGORY--its a pretty fun, challenging game.

BACK TO THE MOVIE RECOMMENDATIONS: Anyway, "A Serious Man" raises a lot of interesting questions about life, fate, God, religion, morality, the possibility of a 4th dimension, and much much more. I need to see it at least 4 more times to get it.

b. "Youth in Revolt" is a film that hasnt been released yet, though I saw it at the St. Louis Film Festival. It stars Michael Cera as a.....you guessed it...an awkward virgin. But that's the only real typical thing about this movie. Michael also plays his character's badass alter-ego Francois, who wears tight white pants, has a wispy brown mustache, and does everything that Michael wants to do but doesnt have the guts to. It's really funny seeing them interact with each other on screen. It's like watching the Parent Trap but without the knowledge that the adorable star is going to be a raging coke addict. This movie has hilarious supporting turns by its young actors as well as its older ones, including Steve Buscemi, Ray Liotta, Justin Long, Fred Willard, and, my personal favorite comedian right now, Zach Galifinakis. While Zach Gal is my favorite comedian, Fred Willard is the funniest man alive. Period. Anyway, this movie was very unpredictable, sincere, cute, cleverly written, and had pretty cool animated sequences. Good movie.

c. WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE. Everyone has an opinion about this movie, and mine is that it was WONDERFUL. I felt like it was made for me. The angst, anger, fear, love, and needs of a 9 year old child were perfectly expressed not only by the lead actor, but by the Wild Things themselves. This was not a children's movie but a movie about children. Spike Jonze's vision was uncompromising, dark and real. And I love him for going that far. Listening to an interview with Maurice Sendak, author of the book, describe why he wrote the book, and all the fears he had as a child, it really seems to me that Jonze captured the book's message. Plus, the movie reminded me so much of my childhood it almost made me cry. I'm not going to get into personal details about my young life, but lets just say I built lots of forts, and there are many dents in the walls of my older sister's room. Plus Catherine Keener looks like my mom.

TYPICALLY this blog is not a place for me to review movies, but I felt so good about these three I had to share my thoughts and encourage you all to see them.

OK NOW THAT THOSE ARE OUT OF THE WAY, I HAVE ONE LAST THING TO TALK ABOUT IN THIS RETURNING POST: ANIMANIACS!

I was thinking recently about why I know so much about pop-culture and Hollywood, and I realized that it is most likely correlated to two TV shows I watched religiously in my youth: Reruns of 1980s and early 90s SNL, and Animaniacs!

Animaniacs was one of the first cartoons that was explicitly written and marketed towards children, but in actuality was completely subversive, clever and written for adults.

For example, some of the parodies Animaniacs did were of: The Pirates of Penzance (I am the Very Model of a Cartoon Individual), Goodfellas (Goodpidgeons), Simon and Garfunkel (They did a parody of Feelin' Groovy and changed the lyrics to "Make a Gookie" which was a silly face Wakko always made), Seinfeld, Friends, The Agony and the Ecstasy, Orson Welles (THE BRAIN), the list goes on and on.

There were also decidedly adult jokes and segments, such as the Wheel of Morality, jokes about Bill Clinton, the Three Tenors, Mickey Rooney, a chicken who impersonates a human and who only one person actually realizes is a chicken until he takes off a hat or a mustache and then suddenly EVERYONE realizes he's a chicken, Broadway musicals, and segments where characters explain complex jokes, or complain about their roles in that week's episode.

Awesomely clever Hollywood parodies were also a staple of this show--an entire episode was devoted to the Warners breaking into the film industry! With songs about Variety magazine and even a cameo by Batman and Robin director, the horrendously campy Joel Schumacher, Animaniacs skewed Hollywood better than anyone else.

Not only was this show educational (I know every country of the world thanks to Yakko--http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IDtdQ8bTvRc, and I know that Lake Titicaca is between Bolivia and Peru, thanks to that great Animaniacs song, "Lake Titicaca"), but every episode had its own original score!

What's interesting is that now, in my adult years I'm finally understanding the jokes! As a kid I had no idea who Mickey Rooney was I just thought his name sounded funny. Now, so often I hear pop culture references and I think to myself, why do I know about this, and the answer is I remember it from ANIMANIACS!

So thanks Steven Spielberg! Not for E.T. or Jurassic Park, or Saving Private Ryan, or Catch Me If You Can. Certainly not for The Terminal (I'm from KRAKOZIA!) Thank you for bringing us Animaniacs, one of the best animated series' of all time.

Until Tomorrow--

Day 43- Real Logline for a script I saw at work: "TWILIGHT MEETS X-MEN...UNDERWATER!"

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 19:57:00 +0000

Boy oh boy are you in for a treat. One of my most loyal and trusted readers Jeff "After watching LeBron I get so hyped up that I want to do Math" Hoffman (pictured right with the freakiest ginger kid I've ever seen) has finally decided to grace us with a guest post. Give yourself plenty of time for this one, its a doozy. But very worth the read. So without further ado:

My dad thinks that Michael Showalter is ugly but Michael Ian Black is cool because he used to watch Ed

-A Guest Post By Jeff Hoffman

I have decided to use Ethan’s blog to expound upon my strange dislike for Entourage, a show that I have loyally watched for the past four years. But before I discuss Entourage, I want to talk about the Killers. Don’t worry, we’ll get to our main point eventually.

Earlier this summer, I stumbled upon the Killers’s performance of a song from the MTV Europe Music Awards. My friend and I watched the footage with our proverbial mouths agape. “Are We Human or Are We Dancer?” Mr. Flowers asked the audience over a wash of synths, stupefying both philosophers and grammar enthusiasts alike. I am sure that you, dear reader, are familiar with this song, but this performance was my first exposure to Flowers’s deep thought provocations.

Last weekend I was in Chicago and on Sunday I decided to go to the last day of Lollapalooza, mainly to see Passion Pit, Snoop, Dan Deacon, and to a lesser extent, Vampire Weekend. The fact that the Killers were headlining that night was inconsequential since I had lost interest in the band after they became MTV staples (as is my music elitist way). I would be coming down from a long day of (partially artificial) excitement, and figured it would be a fun show. And boy what a show it was. By kicking off with that “Human/Dancer” song, the audience was Flowers’s for the taking, and take us he did. While I was unfamiliar with most of the songs from the last two albums, the end of the set ended up being a round of knockout punches. “Mr. Brightside,” “All These Things That I’ve Done,” “Jenny Was a Friend of Mine,” and finally, “When You Were Young.” I couldn’t help but dance, despite my white jewishness and the extremely conscious knowledge of my uncanny ability to be an awful dancer (see below). It was only then, once I had entered the Dancer realm, that I noticed a couple of things. First, despite the guitarist being quite good, his instrument was obscured by the operatic quality of Flower’s voice (who more melodically yells than sings) and the inorganic sounds of the synthesizers. There seemed to be some sort of sheen on all of these songs, as if they were being produced for a record in front of us, rather than just played. Second, the band appeared to be playing in front of plastic palm trees, emulating their native Las Vegas. Third, during this last part of the concert, the video screens behind the band displayed deserts and wide-open skyscapes, quite the opposite of the city skyline that was actually behind them as the concert was in the middle of downtown Chicago. All of these things that I noticed are points to my central thesis presented here. It all seemed inorganic. Artificial. Like the bright lights and synthesizers were urging us to dance, because it is something that we should do rather than want to do. As is inherent in the human condition. We were Human. And only because we were Human we could be Dancer.

At 10:00 central time on a Sunday, as the last notes of “Young” filtered through the air, the fireworks and video screens petered out and I turned to the friend on my left, the same guy who I had watched the MTV performance with, and said “Wow. I feel like I just watched Entourage.” Not in a good way or a bad way. Nevertheless, I immediately realized why I needed to stop watching.

That was my long-winded introduction to my hate letter to Entourage. I have had a week now to think about Brandon Flowers’s Human/Dancer quandary, and have come to the conclusion that it is not a question at all, but rather a weak attempt at being prolific. Reaching beyond his grasp. The words are not what matters, but rather their sound and how they react to the music. The Killers are all style, no substance. Nobody watches Entourage for the storylines. They watch for the glitz, the glamour, the pretty girls and the strangely magical effortless quality that Vince has to lay any girl that he wants. Every guy wants to be in the Entourage group of guys, but few realize that Vince’s world is an idealized, unattainable paradise of pot smoking and bad acting. And these guys barely even smoke anymore. (ED NOTE: I google imaged "turtle smoking" and this is what I got. I love google.") What the fuck? That was my lone connection to them. But I digress. Now allow for some further digression.

Earlier tonight I watched Mad Men on AMC, possibly the best-written and acted show on television today. I care about these characters. I wonder where the series is going. Who will win in this new rivalry between Pete and Ken? I think Pete is going to do something very bad to Ken. It appears that Sal (pictured right) is going to have a season exploring his sexuality. Will he come out to the office? His wife? Will Don ask him what was going on in the hotel? No, probably, and definitely not, as Don knows a man’s business is his business. Don Draper is pretty much a married Vince. He gets any girl he wants and he doesn’t even have to try. Tonight he barely lifted a finger and that engaged stewardess wanted all up in him. That neither of these guys have yet to contract some weird STD is completely crazy. It is important to note that this question would not come up in a conversation about Mad Men but could potentially come up in ANY conversation about Entourage. But why do I care so much more about what happens to Don than what happens to Vince. Maybe it is because Vince obviously couldn’t act his way out of a paper bag while Don has been acting his whole life.

The fact that none of the guys on Entourage can act (unless Kevin Dillon so immerses himself in this role that he is secretly the best actor on TV…he did get an Emmy nomination after all) is a much smaller problem when compared to the reason why I cannot invest in the show. It is the most predictable show on TV. Were any of you surprised that Vince would bounce back after his one episode run of hitting rock bottom (last season)? Were any of you surprised that Mrs. Ari took Ari back in Sunday’s episode? Of course not. This show is simply a vehicle for a bunch of people to have a good time while pulling a fast one on their audience. Remember an earlier episode this season where Johnny Drama got to try out different models for his love interest and how excited he was? KEVIN DILLON ACTUALLY GOT TO DO THIS!!!! He just shot a scene kissing 10+ models! He is living the life of his character. Either the Entourage creative team is made up of the smartest guys in the room, writing scripts so subversive and satirical of Hollywood that no one even realizes that they are subversive or satirical or they are just idiots. I would lean towards the latter. Remember when Jamie Lynn Siegler guest starred on Drama’s show and the way it would potentially jump-start her floundering career? How is that different than Ms. Siegler’s new role on Entourage??? She is actually dating the guy who plays Turtle for fucks sake! Shouldn’t it have been a wake up call for the producers when they were casting E’s love interest Ashley and realized that they had to find an actress who was actually worse at acting than the guy who plays E? I get the feeling that this casting call was eerily similar to Drama’s in the show (Next!). I get a headache every time E and Ashley share a scene. Also, that girl’s eyebrows really bother me for some reason. All right, I am rambling here. Let me wrap up.

Entourage is a bad show. It is neither well written nor well acted. The characters are not compelling in the slightest and their storylines are not interesting because a five year old could tell you how they’ll turn out. Hmmmmm…you think that E will end up with Sloan again only to realize that he was more happy lusting after her than actually being with her? That his new boss is interested in him only because he is Vince’s manager, who is the BIGGEST STAR IN HOLLYWOOD? That Drama will get fired from his show, but will refuse to act out his death? That Jaime Lynn will break up with Turtle because he's too loyal to the guys? That the series finale will end with Vince telling the guys that he has AIDS while they are smoking opium and drinking martinis under the Hollywood sign while they discuss the various ways that they own the city? Well maybe not that last one but we should keep score for the rest. Either way, as long as I see that N for nudity before the show begins, I will be watching. Not because I am Human, but because I am Dancer.

SUPER PS. On a final note, I only find it kind of ironic that the band that the Killers were playing against at Lolla was Jane’s Addiction, performers of “Superman,” Entourage’s theme song. I only consciously realized this fact as I was writing this essay, although my subconscious could have kicked to motivate my statement at the end of the concert. I realize that I did not touch on Ari here and how that role has basically ruined Jeremy Piven’s acting career, but I value Piven’s overacting as much as I value that god-awful smirk that Adrian Grenier has on his face. If you haven’t realized that for the past 2 seasons Ari’s storylines have been trivial and inconsequential, then please pass me the Kool Aid. Only one thing could save this series for me. Coming Summer 2010, Lloyd’s of Hollywood. I would much rather follow that guy and his friends around than Vince anymore. Just leave out the gay sex please, HBO, I’m not really into that. (Ed. Note-Jeff's favorite character on Mad Men is Salvatore Romano).

What a post right! I agree whole-heartedly with Jeff's Entourage observations. And even though he said it all, and you all are probably sick of hearing about Entourage, because I dont want to take up ANOTHER post talking about it, I want to say just 4 things for myself.

1. Entourage is the only show I know that AVOIDS drama and change. Remember last season when Ari got offered the job as head of the studio? Why didnt he take it? It totally could have changed the dynamic of the show and developed new plots in interesting ways. And dont tell me its because it would have diminished the connection between Ari and Vince, because the last time Ari actually had a plot line where he tried to help Vince's career was when he got him the rights to Medellin.

Remember when Vince fired E last season? How long did that last? 5 minutes? Why didnt they let the suspense drag on from that season finale to this season's premiere at least? Or at least create some tension? I know audiences like for everything to be hunky-dory all the time, but audiences really do like suspense. Trust me.

2. Why hasnt Johnny Drama have a plot line until the 6th episode of this season! A plot that btw, doesnt make sense. Why would Johnny think that Jamie would fuck that network exec on one afternoon when she had been dating Turtle for months and obviously could do so much better any day of her life!

3. Where is this season/this show going? Season 2 (my favorite) was the best because the show had a goal: Get Vince in Aquaman. All the drama, including Vince's love with Mandy dealt with that. The project became so hyped and even the fun episodes like the Sundance one had plot elements that dealt with Aquaman. Now, what am I waiting for? Turtle to graduate? There is no direction on this show, and it is killing it.

4. The show is stale. I love seeing hot girls, but I barely saw the face of that college girl! Talk about objectifying women. Her point in this episode was to have a vagina that Vince could fuck so the writers wouldnt have to think of any story to give him.
And in terms of celebrity cameos, havent we seen Mark Wahlberg before? Oh yea, last season...on a golf course!

The truth is that we've already written more words about Entourage than the show deserves. It sucks. And heres two sad scoops for you to take home:
1. There is no irony for this show. The creator Doug Ellin takes the characters seriously. He thinks of them as real people based on him and his friends. My friend heard Doug speak about how Entourage is really a story about four friends who have undying loyalty for each other yada yada yada. So if they take this shitty show seriously, then imagine what type of shit we'd be getting if they DIDNT!

2. The truth is, none of us would be complaining about this show if it was on the CW. Since its on HBO, we expect better. So does HBO. HBO knows that creatively, the show sucks. The president of the company recently held a forum for HBO employees and some asked him why Entourage was so bad this season. The president said he knew it was bad, but the ratings were high, so there was nothing they cant complain.

So heres what we can do. Lets all shut up about a stupid fucking show thats just entertainment anyway and start spending time trying to stop European sex trafficking. Did you see TAKEN! That shit is real! And fucked up!

Until Tomorrow--

Day 42- The Day the World Went Away (but not really)

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 19:31:00 +0000

In Jay Leno Voice: So ahh....David Mamet is in the news today. Did you read about this? Did you hear about this? Apparently he's going to direct a new Anne Frank movie based on her diary.

In regular voice: You know what that means? JOKES!

Anne should have remembered: A B C. A always. B be. C closing. Always be closing. The window. So Nazis dont see her.

I cant wait to see Joe Mantegna and Bill Macy nail their performances as Papa and Mama Frank respectfully.

Even RICKY JAY'S MAGIC couldnt help the Frank family disappear!

Maybe Tarantino will have a directing cameo where the Franks get their revenge by going ape-shit all over the Nazis!

In this cameo Christopher Walken can also do a monologue about how he hid the Franks in his ass.

Maybe Jeremy Piven will sign on to this movie and then quit because his part doesnt involve him yelling into a phone. And he has mercury poisoning.

Sample Mamet Anne Frank dialogue:
Otto (sees Anne looking out the window): ANNE! What-
Anne: What?
Otto: Why are you-
Anne: Looking out the window?
Otto: Yes. Why are you looking out the window?
Anne: Because I was-
Otto: You were--
Anne: Bored. Thats it. Bored
Otto: Bored you say?
Anne: Thats what I said didnt I?
Otto: You were just so fucking bored.
Anne: Well I'm in a fucking attic doing nothing but fucking brushing my hair all day and night.
Otto: Well I'm sorry that hiding from Nazis didnt make it into your fucking daytimer!!
Anne: FUCK YOU!
Otto: FUCK YOU!

ALSO in the news: Michael Douglas' son Cameron again. 2 weeks ago he was arrested for attempting to smuggle crystal meth from New York to LA. He was released on bail, but confined to his mother's Manhattan apartment. He was just arrested though for having his girlfriend smuggle him heroin through...THE BATTERY COMPARTMENT OF AN ELECTRONIC TOOTHBRUSH! Police say they knew something was up when Cameron seemed very nervous and tense about when his toothbrush would arrive.

I dont know if I have anything hilarious to say about this other than its ironic that his dad was in TRAFFIC playing the head of the President's Office of National Drug Control. In the film, unbeknownst to him, his daughter is a huge coke addict. I guess this is yet another example of life imitating art....

LASTLY, some recommendations:
WATCH- Michael and Michael Have Issues--The first episode started a little weak, but it just keeps getting better and better. The banter between the Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter is perfect, and the story lines of each episode are very clever and funny.

LISTEN (to) the COMEDY DEATH RAY RADIO PODCAST on iTunes. For free. It's an hour long comedy show with guests like Andy Samberg, Zach Galifinakis, Aziz Ansari, Jon Hamm, Rob Huebel, Nick Kroll, Paul Scheer, Weird Al and more. Its basically comedians joking around, doing characters, and making fun of Entourage. Which by the way....ABSOLUTELY SUCKS this season. It insults me.

EAT- Food. If you dont, you're going to die.

THIS IS ME AS A CHARACTER ON MAD MEN

Until Tomorrow---

Day 41- I'm going to make a sequel to "That Thing You Do" called "That Thing We Did"

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 05:10:00 +0000

Hello Readers,
Havent seen you guys in a while. Where've you been? Vacationing? Where? In Bermuda?! With Who!? GARY!! That sonofabitch! He told me he was with Betsy and the girls in Cape Canaveral! And all this time he was-WELL, he'll be hearing from me soon.

Anyway--a lot to cover this day.
First, I dont have a twitter. I'm not planning on getting one any time soon. Why? Cuz I think they're mostly stupid. I also would rather save my savory comic morsels for this blog. Twitters are good for 2 people: hilarious comedians and NBA players. I dont really follow anyone's twitter as even celebrities' are typically stupid but here are the ones that I do like

1. http://twitter.com/robhuebel
Thats one of the guys from Human Giant. He doesnt write shit about where hes performing. He also doesnt mostly write about shit hes doing. What he DOES write is hilarious little tidbits. For example:
---The Myrtle Beach airport bar is a great place to meet single, pregnant moms drinking...and try to get them double-pregnant.
---I am not the star of HBO's new show, "Hung". But my mom says I could have been.

2. http://hoopshype.com/twitter.html
This site lists all the twitter action from NBA players. These guys are the vainest silliest, and sometimes just dumbest people in the world, but I love it. Here are some golden ones from today:
Tyrus Thomas: If you a dude and you're "too real" for BLACKsummer's night, chances are you're not REAL
Drew Gooden: At Walgreens and never knew they had restrooms??? It's pretty cool in here! Lol!
(ps. check out Gooden's back head soul patch....)
Shawn Marion: Wow jus caught last half of glory mathew broderick did a great job whatever happened to him

3. Bill Simmons--http://twitter.com/SportsGuy33
If you love Bill Simmons...

Next item of business. I was at the MJ Memorial. Big Ups to J-wizzle dizzle and her momizzle whos friendizzle got us the hookup for floor seats.

What a show. Anyone who's anyone, or has ever been anyone was there. I made a list of the celebrities I sighted personally (that is, people who I saw in the crowd):
1. Larry King with his hot ass wife
2. Shawn Wayans. Where was Marlon? Probably sucking it up in G.I. Joe: The Rise of My Boner When I see Sienna Miller
3. Mini-Me (Verne Troyer) riding....a motorized SCOOTER! Down the aisles. Not only is it funny to see a midget in a scooter! But it was MINI ME! Suffice it to say, it brought some much needed levity.
4. Steve Urkel--Who actually looked more like Stefan Urquelle, if you get that Family Matters reference.
5. Fonzworth Bentley sans Diddy and his umbrella
6. Lou Ferrigno. Dude's still got it.
7 (and my personal favorite). THE HUGE TALL BLACK SCARY PRISONER FROM THE DARK KNIGHT! The guy on the prison boat who says my favorite line, "I'm gonna do what ya'll shoulda did, ten minutes ago."

BTW--In the shooting script of the movie the line is, "I'm going to do what you all should have done ten minutes ago." So props to Chris Nolan for letting his actors take some liberties with his language.

I met this huge tall scary man (Tommy "Tiny" Lister--The "Tiny" for obvious oxymoronish reasons) and he is in fact tall and scary in person. He even has a glass eye! But he was totally nice and let me take a picture with him while shaking his humongous elephant hand.

I was doing some research on imdb and this guy is in an upcoming movie called "Lean Like A Cholo: The Movie" where the description says: A comedy about a bunch of homie Cholos, trying to do the right thing, the right way for the right reasons, but always get it wrong.

I think this movie is replacing James Cameron's Avatar as the most anticipated movie of the year for me.

8. Kobe Bryant: A god among men.
9. Billy Bush and Nancy O'Dell, the hosts of Access Hollywood- They had a little trouble finding their seats and they got there a bit late. I guess they just didnt have the necessary...ACCESS.
10. The HOST OF SUPERMARKET SWEEP! He was sitting right in front of me! Wow. How did he get floor seats I wonder. I used to love that show, and seeing him in person really brought me back to a time where TV used to have game shows where people ran around supermarkets grabbing as much expensive food and giant inflatable hams as they could.

Those were the celebrity highlights. As for the ceremony itself, it was really powerful. A lot of people were in tears. I myself dont get too emotional about celebrities dying, simply because I dont know them personally. But when MJ's daughter spoke, unnecessarily in my opinion (Janet was supposed to talk and instead she passes the mike to her 10 year old niece! To speak to an arena of over 18,000 people!), it really did remind me that Michael Jackson wasnt just MICHAEL JACKSON. He was a dad. And thats something to be sad about.

The speakers were great, Queen Latifah's reading of Maya Angelou's poem was beautiful, as was Smokey Robinson's reminiscing over 11 year old MJ. Martin Luther King Jr's kids also spoke eloquently about how Michael called their mother on her death bed and told her he was praying for her (now if the kids could only stop fighting over money!). Al Sharpton was a little over the top for me. As Seth Meyers wrote in his twitter: Al Sharpton to MJ's kids:"Your daddy wasn't strange!" Al Sharpton to Peanut Butter:"You are not made of butter and peanuts!" Jennifer Hudson clearly had the best, most rousing performance, and as a sidenote--

Even after Dreamgirls, I was not sold on her. Obviously she sang "And I am Telling You" well, but what else could she do? Well--after hearing her sing the Star Spangled Banner at the Super Bowl, some song at the Grammys, and now "Will You Be There" at this event IM SOLD. She has an UN-BELIEVABLE voice. Aretha-ish. I'm not kidding. When its on SHE BRINGS IT.

Anyway--it was a lavish but relatively gentle and kind memorial befitting the most controversial, exciting, and arguably most talented and influential entertainer of our time. He lived only 50 years, but undoubtedly he will be globally remembered forever.*

Until Tomorrow--

*Unless aliens attack the planet and destroy every book, every magazine, every form of print ever existing ever, the internet, film and television archives, and every trace of human invention and then wipe out our brains and replace our memories with thoughts solely of the "leader" and our next two tasks.

Day 40- The amount of time the Israelites wandered through the desert. And the age Steve Carrell had sex in the 40 Year old virgin

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 14:02:00 +0000

Hey everyone, I know I am supposed to be writing Part 2 of the last post, but I think I would rather do "this" right now. "This" being, only writing short snippets of nonsense that I have picked up. So:

1st snippet: Have you heard of that movie The Dark Knight? It came out last summer. It was about a bat. Anyway, do you remember that actress who plays Commissioner Gordon's wife? The red head who's in about 4 scenes and cries in practically every one. Every time I saw the movie I racked my brain trying to figure out where I recognized her from. It killed me every time. Then, finally-without looking it up on IMDB, it hit me last night like a James Brown song. She was in that classic 1998 Leslie Nielsen spoof film, "Wrongfully Accused!" She plays Leslie's love interest--the sultry, silly "which side is she on" seductress Cass Lake, who has such funny lines as:

Cass Lake: You see, I think she's my sister.
Ryan Harrison: Sister?
Cass Lake: It's like a brother, only you do each other's hair.

There are other funny lines in this movie, such as
Ryan Harrison: Don't move. I've got a gun. Not here, but I got one.

also: Ryan Harrison: [to Sean] Right? Signal "yes" by shooting yourself in the head three times.
Lauren: Don't, it's a trick!

And I got one more for you just for kicks:
Ryan Harrison: Your dog sure has a surprised look on his face.
Lauren: That's because you're looking at his butt.
Ryan Harrison: Uh, then he's certainly not going to enjoy that treat I just fed to him.

I usually dont quote that much on the blog, but this movie is actually pretty funny, and I just read all of those and each one made me laugh out loud. BOY! It actually felt good writing that entire phrase out. Laugh out loud. You should try it some time.

Anyway, not only was this actress in both these movies, but she also played a pivotal role in one of my favorite shows on teleivison-- MAD MEN! I know there are only some readers who actually watch the show (<5) but I'm going to write about it anyway to get you all to get in the game!

She played Bobbie Barrett! The last woman Don Draper had an affair with and then one who I wrote about a while back. She was the one he FISTED in the back of a restaurant!

Thats all I will write about that. I dont want to spoil anything for those of you (all of you) who havent watched Mad Men yet.

Anyway--impressive lady. Impressive body of work. Impressive crying in Dark Knight (I have now seen that movie 6 times btw, and I cant wait to watch it again.) Oh. And the actress's name is Melinda McGraw.*

One more thing to post. I just read this from a reliable source. (It was imdb). Why didnt I just say, "I read this on IMDB." Cause I like the term reliable source. It makes me sound like a journalist when really I am typing this post while wearing nothing but boxers in my bed, while listening to a song from Triumph the Insult Comic Dog's 2005 comedy album, "Come Poop With Me." Anyway! The News!

The stars of Harry Potter are getting a makeover from the team behind Brad Pitt's transformation for The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button - they're set to be digitally aged for the final movie.

They are going to use the same technology as they did in Benjamin Button to make the three stars of HP look older for the epilogue scene in the HP7P2. (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2. They are splitting the last book into 2 movies to make more money). This means they'll probably use different actors' bodies and superimpose new digital faces of the original adorable threesome.

PS. If you could have a threesome with any "trio" of famous characters (must include at least one member of your same sex), who would it be? My top 3 off the top of my head.

1. Harry, Ron and Hermione
2. Lizzie McGuire, Miranda and Gordo
3. Luke Skywalker, Han Solo and Princess Leia

(illegal 4th option): Any 3 of the members of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.
(illegal and disturbing 5th option): Sonic, Tails and Knuckles

I guess this new Benjamin Button tech shit is cool. I just hope they dont make HP7P2 8 hours long.

This turned into a much longer post than I expected. Oh well. Better for you all.

Until Tomorrow---

*I did it. I spoke about The Dark Knight without mentioning Heath Ledger. Oh wait...shit.

Day 39- The Triumphant Return: PART I

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 16:08:00 +0000

Ladies and gents, I'M BACK! Obviously I've been away for quite some time doing god knows what, god knows where, but I've truly missed all of the great times I've had with this little machine, and the "kehillah" or "community" forming in the comments sections. I miss the report (pronounced like "Colbert Report"), the laughter, the tet-a-tet. So without further ado here is some more nonsense:

Something has been troubling me lately. For the past half decade, some of my favorite comedians growing up have been making increasingly unfunny comedies. These comedies have stupid stories, unfunny dialogue, mailed in performances, and ultimately insult the intelligence of the viewer.

Can you think of something more depressing and disappointing then seeing a comedy and NOT LAUGHING EVEN ONCE? I cant. And I once read about the Cambodian Genocide.

I cant wrap my head around it. Jim Carrey is a funny guy. He's proved it time and time again. The fact that Adam Sandler has been around so long attests the fact that he has a personality and sense of humor that resonates with people. Vince Vaughn KILLED me in in Old School and Wedding Crashers. Will Ferrell and Mike Myers are two guys I WORSHIPED in middle school and high school and by universal standards are two of the funniest guys on the planet. So why have all these people made such unfunny movies recently?

Lets go into a little more detail: (and I apologize in advance if all of these parentheses make your computer crash)

JIM CARREY:
Golden Years: 1994- 1998

Jim Carrey obviously had it made. He was the first guy EVER to get a $20 million payday (for....The Cable Guy), and unanimously (or at least says my April 1997 Disney Adventures Magazine) was the funniest guy in the world. He wanted to stretch as an actor. Good. You cant be gooey your whole life (although maybe Evan Kuhn can be an exception).

TRANSITION

1998: Jim does The Truman Show. FANTASTIC. Great movie, interesting plot, well acted, showed range. I think of the Truman Show every time I cross a street and hold out my hand to let the driver know I'm crossing the street. THE UNIVERSE REVOLVES AROUND ME! The score for that movie is also pretty wonderful.

(Me as America talking): Anyway, good for you Jim. Now lets get a comedy!

1998: Nope, Jim decides to have a small part in "Simon Birch" (a small, moving family friendly film about a boy with stunted growth but big dreams and a big HEART!) Please hold your laughter at the picture. Please....tryy..to contain....laughter...BAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I apoligize.

Ps. guess what else the director of this movie has directed. You'll never guess. Give up? DAREDEVIL, ELEKTRA, AND GHOST RIDER! WTF! Who is this guy? How did this guy get big budget Daredevil if all he had directed before was Simon Birch? NONSENSE. Anyway---

1999- Jim does "Man on the Moon." A drama ABOUT a comedian (Andy Kaufman). Great move Jim. Absolutely fantastic movie! Jim's performance was remarkable, touching and accurate and shockingly did not get nominated for an Oscar. (Undoubtedly it was a strong year for best actors: Denzel in "The Hurricane," Kevin Spacey in "American Beauty," Russell Crowe in "The Insider." But STILL, I'm sure Jim's performance was better than old fart, Richard Farnsworth who was nominated that year for "The Straight Story."

SIDENOTE: This movie also holds a close place in my heart because in 7th grade for our "Wax Museum" I dressed up as Andy, acted out a whole monologue and even wrote a "diary of his life" based on a biography written by Andy's best friend and writing partner. Andy Kaufman was a brilliant, tragic man. Google him if you dont know who he is.

OK JIM! WE LIKE YOUR DRAMATIC SIDE! JUST GIVE US A COMEDY!

Fine. He does Me, Myself and Irene in 2000 which is arguably the LAST FUNNY MOVIE JIM CARREY HAS EVER MADE. Think about that--Jim Carrey, the "Funniest guy in the world" hasnt made a FUNNY comedy in almost 10 years!

SIDENOTE: I hate Renee Zellwegger in everything except for Jerry Maguire (which is a phenomenal movie, and one deserving of an entire post). One more thing: I dont think there is anything remotely attractive about Renee Zellweger. And finally: Renee Zellwegger's face always looks like she is reacting to someone teasing her, and her saying with a fake smile that raises the cheekbones, "ha ha. very funny." (INTERACTIVE PART: Try making this face while looking at a picture of Renee Zellwegger. Its uncanny!)

He did "How the Grince Stole Christmas," which was an intersting performance, but not funny and not a great movie. He did the god-awful, "The Majestic," he made the comedy "Bruce Almighty" but the funniest part of that movie was obviously STEVE CARRELL (AHHH! CaCa Poo Poo Doo Doo!) Here are some gags from the movie: Jim Carrey as God makes his gf's boobs bigger. He splits traffic. Walks on water. Makes his dog pee in the toilet. Lifts up ladies' skirts on the street. REALLY? A man can do ANYTHING IN THE WORLD HE WANTS and the funniest gag they can think of is that he makes his dog pee in the toilet?! Come on! Practically every situation in Liar Liar was funnier than that whole movie.

Next--Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Wonderful, amazing, brilliant, touching, visually stimulating, clever, creative, truthful, thought provoking, genuine. But not a comedy, so we MOVE ON:

2004: Lemony Snicket's Series of Unfortunate Events. Eh.

2005: Fun with Dick and Jane. The first time I saw this movie was on a date (YES WITH A GIRL!) in high school, so I never actually WATCHED the movie (wink wink, nudge nudge, blammy blip blop! A WOOOO GAAA!) but I saw it again on an airplane, and laughed maybe twice. And it was at Alec Baldwin. How can anyone think that watching Jim Carrey sing "I Believe I Can Fly" in an elevator is super funny. Its cute. Not clever. Not funny. And Judd Apatow helped write this movie...tsk tsk.

2008: The Number 23: Not even worth discussing

2008: Horton Hears a Who: Cute movie, but its animated so I wont really discuss it. I will say that I think Jim was not very funny in it. I think he was a bit miscast. I prefer the Andrew Klein interpretation. Actually, I think the problem was they made Horton a goofy character, and in the book, he really isnt. He's a sincere and simple. Not manic and crazy. You know who would have been great in the real version of Horton? Greg Kinnear. Why? Because Greg Kinnear can do anything.

2008: Yes Man. Jim's RETURN to comedy again. Guess what. I saw this movie and laughed during ONE SCENE. And it was watching Murray from Flight of the Conchords making funny faces. Thats it. So either Murray is REALLLY FUNNNY or the movie is REEEEALLLY NOT FUNNY. I think its both.

HOLY COW. I realize now that I've written too much. So I will make you a deal readers. I will make one concluding point here now, and then leave more in Part 2 of this post.

CONCLUDING THOUGHTS: Is Jim Carrey still funny? Did he lose his funniness? His sense of humor? Does he know what is funny anymore? OR is he trying to play characters that he THINKS people want to see him play? Is he right to do this?
Bruce Almighty seemed like the perfect movie for him. Were the jokes so stupid because he and the writers thought that these types of jokes would appeal to the masses? Or did they actually think they were making a great, hilarious comedy? I am not sure. I would admit it may be a bit of both. I saw Jim Carrey on Oprah plugging "Horton Hears a Who"(Today. In Israel. When this episode must have aired months ago when it came out in theaters or on DVD) and he was wacky and zany and wiggled around the stage, and made jokes, but he wasnt that funny. Steve Carrell came on and made me laugh three times as much in his first 3 minutes. So maybe Jim Carrey has just gotten stale or is not as funny as he used to be. Or maybe he is just being the Jim that he thinks we all want him to be? Maybe he just assumes we'll laugh at him doing anything. I dont really know. Maybe he just needs better material.

UNTI---

WAIT! ONE MORE THING THAT IS HILARIOUS. SO--Dakota Fanning's career took a nose dive and she became a media punchline when she took a part in the indie, "Hounddog." A movie where in it, she gets raped. She apparently wanted to be taken more seriously as an actor. Getting paid $10 million to act with DeNiro, Denzel, and Sean Penn were not enough. To show people how serious this 11 year old was about acting, she thought she had to get RAPED. But NO ONE agreed. The movie was heavily panned. She was criticized for taking such a ridiculous role, and her child-friendly image was tarnished. Guess who took her place in all of those cutesy kids-teach-adults-a-thing-or-two-about love and/or responsibility and/or friendship and/or conquering ones fears-movies---ABIGAIL BRESLIN. She fulfilled this part well, and was raking it in. Surely she wouldnt grow up as quickly as Dakota and Lindsay Lohan.....

FALSE. Abigal Breslin (aka cute girl in little miss sunshine) just took a part in an indie called, "Rape: A Love Story." WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS GIRL THINKING! Dakota gets chastised for being in a movie where she gets raped, but Abigail Breslin thinks its wise to be in a movie with the word RAPE in the TITLE! Oh, dont worry. Abigail isnt the one getting raped. She merely WATCHES her MOTHER get GANG-BANGED! WTF! Hasnt she learned anything from Dakota? Abigail Breslin was ALREADY nominated for an Oscar. What is she trying to prove? Does she think the movie is going to play well? Is she trying to shove it to Dakota and say, "I can be in a movie with RAPE in the title, and it will make 3 times as much as that movie you were raped in!" Does she really think people/critics/people who help her income want to see a movie with the word "rape" in the title?!" Can 11 year old Abigail Breslin spell, "rape?" Does she even know that boys have penises and girls have vaginas? Hollywood is certainly filled with NONSENSE.

Until Tomorrow---

Day 38- Give Mr. G a word and he'll give you a song!

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 01:11:00 +0000

If you need a Latino actor, there are lots of options: Freddy Rodriguez, John Leguizamo...actually that's it. If you need an Asian actor, there are also a plethora of options: John Cho. If you need an Indian actor, well, if the population of India is any indication, there are millions of options: Kal Penn. But what if you need an actor who can play Polish? Or Russian? Or Greek? Or Palestinean? Or Cuban? Or Jewish? You could hire actors of those descents OR you can hire one of these three actors:

1. Alfred Molina
2. John Turturro
3. Hank Azaria

These three actors have faces and accents that could easily pass for almost any ethnicity you need. It is quite remarkable actually.

Alfred Molina was born in London and is of Spanish and Italian descent. In his long and varied career he has played characters named:

Sapito, Giovanni, Sergei, Pierre, The Italian, Jose, Mike, Rev. Leland Drury, Diego Rivera, Tevye, Rahad Jackson, Boris Blavasky, Snidely Whiplash, Dr. Otto Octavius (Doc Oc), Bishop Manuel Aringarosa, and Eric.

Think about that! He's played Italian, Spanish, Mexican, French, New Yorker, Russian Jew, Orthodox Priest, Saudi, Russian, Octopus, Non-descript American. He's a freaking United Nations! Talk about being versatile. Ok I will. John Turturro is similarly ridiculously ethnodrogynous (I just made up a word. What have you done today?)

John Turturro is an Italian-American who has played characters named:

Larry, Pino, Pisciotta, Moe Flatbush, Barton Fink, Roland T. Flakfizer, Dr. Bill Perlman, Herbie Stempel, Jesus Quintana, Joey Knish, Benjamin Kasparian, Howard Cossell, The Phantom/Fartoshi, and Paolo Zane.

We've got Italian, Jewish, Spanish, Mexican, Palestinean, New Yorker and non descript American (as apple pie). Not exactly on par with Molina, but in the words of his buddy Adam Sandler, not too shabby! Lets cap it off with Hank Azaria:

Hank Azaria is of Greek descent and has played characters named:

Albert Freedman, Alan Marciano, Agador Spartacus, Walter Plane, The Blue Raja, Mitch Albom, Proffessor Groeteschele, Claude, Patches O'Houlihan, Abraham and Kah Mun Rah.

Keeping in mind that these are characters he's played in person we've got New Yorker, gay Cuban, Spanish, German, French, Irish, Egyptian, British, Russian and Jewish. This doesnt begin to touch his vocal skills on the Simpsons which let him act every other nationality in existence.
(I'd also like to point out that Hank Azaria is the best part of almost every movie he's in--American's Sweethearts, Mystery Men, Along Came Polly, Anastacia...)

So here we have 3 wonderful accomplished actors capable of playing multiple ethnicities and therefore extremely varied characters. Not even Denzel Washington or Tom Hanks can boast a resume this impressive. These actors are also consistently working which means that as an actor, if you want to work for several decades, the more you can stretch, the easier a time you will have finding work. Also who wants to play the same character over and over again? (no offense Woody Allen or....soon to become Seth Rogen).

Until Tomorrow---

Day 36- What am I giving thanks for? Leslie Nielsen. Why not?

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 21:28:00 +0000

I have a theory. Every movie that starts with "MEET" is inevitably a shitty movie. There is one exception: Meet the Parents. Every other one I can think of is just really really bad. What makes these movies so bad? Well, a lot of them are based around stupid characters with no plot. It also says, since "Meet the ___" tells you nothing about the movie, that the producers dont even know what the movie is about, or that they didnt care enough to think of a real title. So here is my list that proves the rule:

Meet the Spartans
Meet Dave
Meet the Robinsons
Meet the Deedles
Meet the Browns
Meet Joe Black
Meet Wally Sparks
Meet the Fockers
Meet Bill

All of these movies are pretty darn shitty. Meet the Spartans was obviously just that shitty parody movie. Meet Dave is the Eddie Murphy movie this summer that bombed that had Eddie Murphy play different Eddie Murphys (I didnt know he could do that?!). It was originally called, "Starship Dave" but after The Adventures of Pluto Nash (the biggest box office flop of all time), I think producers wanted to never put "space" and "Eddie Murphy" together. Meet the Robinsons was that stupid Disney animated movie.

TANGENT: I dont think Disney's made a good animated movie since Tarzan. After Tarzan we got Lilo and Stitch (Ohalo means "go fuck yourself"), Treasure Planet (Martin Short voices ZANY robot! Where do I wait in line??) , Brother Bear (no wonder Joaquin Phoenix retired from acting. That movie was as forgettable as my 2nd Baby Mama, whose name I cant remember right now. And I should cuz I write her a fucking check every month! Word to the wise, never drink heavily and go to Chuck E. Cheese. Two many babes. Too strong beer goggles), Home on the Range (More like Home on my nutsack), Chicken Little (The sky is falling! More like my brain is falling.....asleep. Get it? Cuz the movie was boring.) Meet the Robinsons (If the Robinsons in question were Craig Robinson's family (Craig Robinson plays Darryl on the Office and was easily the best part of "Zach and Miri make a Porno." Oh and I brought him to Wash U last year and he is hilarious and quite an awesome dude.) THEN AND ONLY THEN would I go see that movie) and Bolt (Bolt may be ok, but thats only because Pixar head John Lasseter was an executive producer and made sure that it was at least watchable.) Is there a single good movie in this group? No. Not a single one.

Disney artists should truly be embarrassed by the films they've produced this decade. Comparing them to PIXAR is like comparing England to America. England was balling for many centuries, dominating the world like no body's business. They had the strongest Navy and Army and were the premiere leaders in industrialization. Then some Englishmen moved to America under English jurisdiction. Their products were produced independently, but helped distributed around the world by the Mother Country, who also took much of their profits. Then, they became independent (although Pixar films are still marketed and distributed by Disney) and easily surpassed England to be the most balling country in the world. THEY became the leaders of the free world, balling and shot calling, even bailing Britain out in WWII when it was on the cusp of being destroyed (just like Pixar movies were basically bailing out Disney, giving it money makers and merchandise when all Disney had were those Pirate movies). Like that analogy? Can you think of a better one? COMMENT!

BACK TO REALITY: The only good thing Meet the Deedles brought to this world was Paul Walker, and thats being charitable. Paul Walker's a shitty actor, but he is nice to look at. Meet The Blacks starred retired Laker forward, and idiot dumb enough to cheat on ex-wife Vanessa Williams, Rick Fox, which automatically means it wasnt good, Meet Joe Black had a hot Brad Pitt and an even hotter Anthony Hopkins, but Claire Forlani just doesnt do it for me. I wont give Rodney Dangerfield any respect for Meet Wally Sparks, and Meet the Fockers didnt measure up to its predecessor (the truth is I just didnt think the stakes were high enough in that movie). There's a reason why you never heard of "Meet Bill" even though it starred Aaron "Twoface" Eckhart, Jessica Alba, Elizabeth Banks and Timothy Olymphant. It was bad.

Anyway, that's the proof. Movies that start with "Meet" are shitty. So for gosh sakes, just choose another title!!!

In other news, on imdb it says that Zach Braff just went on a trip to Israel and loved it so much and felt such a communal feeling that he is going to write a movie about an American Jew who visits Israel. Right on Zach! I used to love you, then I heard you were a douchebag, then I got bored with you, but now I like you again. Especially because this January, I'M Going to Israel for 6 months! So represent.

Until Tomorrow--

Day 35- How can Cedric Diggory be in a new movie?!

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 20:11:00 +0000

Life's been fairly hectic recently, what with Bat Boy: The Musical, Aziz Ansari coming to Wash U and a special enhanced KARL Show coming up, so again I apologize for not writing as much as I should. Lets jump right in:

I am now going to make a list of shows/movies you should start watching NOW:

1. Go see Role Models. It has Stifler playing Stifler, Paul Rudd playing himself, but wonderfully misanthropic (the adjective I've read in every single review of the film), and a hilarious 10 year old Black kid who I remember being hilarious on the short lived but still funny "The Tracy Morgan Show." This movie has some of the most hilarious dialogue since "40 yr old Virgin" and a heartwarming ending. Plus, you gotta love anything David Wain does.

2. Sunday Night Comedy on HBO
Sunday nights has turned into my favorite night of TV (only surpassing Thursdays because I dont watch TV any other night).
Entourage has been a little uneven, but at least its entertaining. I love it bcecause its about Hollywood, and well if you havent guessed it already, I am very into Hollywood. One thing about the show that is so unrealistic to me, is that Johnny Drama always dresses really stupidly, and then hits on girls with such golden lines as, "hey beautiful" and gets MAD PISSED when they dont respond. Johnny should know that just saying "hey beautiful" to a hot girl does not magically make them want to fuck you.
Summer Heights High is my new favorite comedy on TV. It is a mockumentary style show about an Australian Public School and it stars one guy who plays 3 characters: A gay/delusional Drama teacher (Reminiscent of Corky St. Clair), A 13 year old Bad Boy "islander" who is the most difficult student of all time, and a 15 year old Rich Bitch from a Private school who is doing a swap program with Summer Heights High. The actor/writer who plays all of these characters, Chris Lilley, is briliant and observent and hilarious. START WATCHING THIS SHOW!
The Life and Times of Tim is a show I had very low expectations for. I saw the internet shorts and I was not impressed, but this show consistently has me on the floor laughing. It is awkward and smart and the voices are just so perfectly expressive. The weird animation with lopsided eyes and minimal body movement reminds me of "Home Movies" or "Dr. Katz" but its better. The show in a nutshell is about this normal/mediocre guy named Tim who always means well but ends up doing stupid/offensive shit (to try and please other people) and then has to explain himself to his girlfriend or boss. Worth your time.

30 Rock-- Always just very very very clever. I am not a huge fan of guest stars (they used Oprah cleverly, but why should I care about Jennifer Aniston?), and the plots for the most part this season have not been wonderful, but the dialogue is so chocked full of clever lines (and if its one thing I value in comedy, its cleverness) that I could watch it every day. Lines like "Never follow a hippie to a second location" and "Liz: Why are you wearing a tux? Jack: It's after 6 o'clock Lemon. What am I, a farmer? make 30Rock a very valued show.

The Lakers-Almost every game (DAMN YOU DETROIT!) has been poetic basketball. I just wish it were April already!

Day 34- Gimme Gimmme More, Gimme More, Gimme Gimme More

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 21:48:00 +0000

I'm truly sorry I have not been posting as often as I should. I have been so busy lately so please forgive me!!!!

One of the reasons I was busy is because this past weekend I was in Chicago watching a lot of improv. Some highlights include:

Lyndsay Hailey of the Deltones
Watching "Radical Concept Improv"

Lyndsay Hailey is a cast performer in the Deltones, which is a musical-improv team at Improv Olympic. She has been a cast member there for at least a year (cause I saw her there last year) and she is one of the most phenomenally talented, hilarious improvisers I have ever seen. Mark my words, she will get on MadTV or SNL one day and be the next Kristen Wiig. She is also extremely gorgeous. So if you ever go to Chicago, see her shows. And if you are a talent scout or manager, I'd sign her right away!!

Radical Concept Improv is a show at IO on Saturday nights at Midnight where teams do improv in weird ways. This past week, 15 improvisers performed long form improv as senior citizens from Shady Maples Retirement Home. It was HILARIOUS. They were so committed and stayed in character the entire time. One of the highlights was one performer, the incomporable Peter Robbards (KARL and Suspicious of Whistler Alumn), who was in a wheelchair and kept being pushed into scenes, forcing him to justify his presence. Good fun.

If you are ever in Chicago--check out these two shows!

OK--now that that's out of the way I have something to say.
Rarely do external factors (ie. movies, television, the news) severely effect my mood. If I see a sad movie, it might stay with me for a little while immediately afterwards, and then dissipate. If I see a funny episode of the Office, chances are I wont be thinking about it the next day. Only 2 external factors that I have no control over really effect my moods and give me trouble sleeping:
1- The Lakers
2- Harry Potter books.
When something happens with the Lakers, whether a win, a loss, a trade rumor, a free agency looming etc, I cant stop thinking about it. The night Shaq was traded to Miami, I remember I was in Israel. I found out about it the night before I was supposed to wake up at 3 AM to take 2 hour bus ride to hike up to Masada. As tired as I was, I did not sleep the ENTIRE NIGHT. Not in my bed, not on the bus, not on the bus ride back, not in the afternoon, not the ENTIRE DAY. At every hour, all I was thinking about were the implications of this trade: Who is going to start? Is Kobe going to leave too? Is Brian Grant worth $55 million dollars? Is he worth more dead or alive? Why didnt we at least get D-Wade? What is Shaq going to do in Miami? Is Lamar Odom going to come back to LA and immediately start smoking weed again? Is he going to sell weed to the whole team? Are the entire Lakers going to be stoned on opening day? (PS. To this day, that picture still makes me want to cry)
Last year, when Kobe said he wanted to be traded during training camp-my heart was about to explode. No joke. I couldnt concentrate on my homework, I couldnt sleep, I couldnt eat. All I could do was check ESPN.com every 10 seconds for an update. In the immortal words of Charlie Brown---AAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!

When I read a Harry Potter book for the first time, I cant sleep because the book is so damn engrossing. If I am forced to put it down for say a meal, or a bathroom break, I cannot think about anything else. What's Harry going to do? Does Hermione really like that Victor Krum? Does Dumbledore really know what's up? Are there such things as wizards condoms? Thats why I now read Harry Potter books all in one sitting.

ANYWAY--THE POINT IS THIS.

I can now add one more thing to this list. MAD MEN. The 2008 Emmy Award Winner for Best Drama and Best Writing. That show is so damn engrossing, fascinating, and thought prevoking that I simply cannot get through my day without thinking about it at least fifteen times. I IMPLORE YOU to start watching this show. I swear on Mark Wahlberg's mother that it will be the best decision you will ever make.

Since this blog is supposed to be about nonsense, and not neccessarily movie/TV reviews, I will invite readers who want to increase their understanding of MAD MEN and other great shows to check out www.MEDIAMAVENMUSINGS.COM. This website is informative, well-written and really helps expand your knowledge and comprehension of quality entertainment.

LAST NOTE ON THE BLOG TODAY:
Whatever happened to Brittany Murphy? She had a quality career as a teenage appearing on several TV shows including Sister, Sister, Almost Home (oh Chuckie Lee Torkelson, how you do amuse me and dare I say...the world), Blossom, Party of Five etc. Then she successfully made the transition into movies with her immortal role as Taj in "Clueless" (1995). After some small roles she broke out again in "Dont Say A Word," (2001) giving her her own catchphrase, "ILL NEVER TELLLL" and MTV Movie Award. She was a young star on the rise. She got starring roles in "8 Mile" (lose yourself in the music....) and "Just Married" (co-starring her boyfriend, a young punk named Kutch). She even got top billing the films "Uptown Girls" (not as good as the song) and "Little Black Book" which came out in 2004 (and for which she got paid $4 Million for! That's a lot for a woman in Hollywood whos not Cameron, Reese or Julia).

Then she all but dissapeared. She had a small role in "Sin City" and "The Groomsmen" (good ol' Eddie Burns), but now--POOF. Gone. She even was supposed to be the voice of Tinkerbell in the new Disney straight to DVD movie, Tinkerbell. But she lost that role to---you'll never guess---MAE WHITMAN (better known as ANN VEAL from ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT). I know what you're thinking--Her? YES. Her.

She's doing some small projects now, but what gives? I know she's had some trouble with her boyfriends/finances in the past, but what happened to her career? She had so much promise. She was attractive (Made lots of "Sexiest Women Alive" lists in her heyday), spunky, creepy, white trash and girl next door. She could sing, and women seemed to really like her. Those movies she headlined also didnt do particularly poorly at the Box Office. Did Hollywood decide that she just wasnt bankable? I dont have an answer, other than to say that her agent must really suck. Sorry Brittany. I dont particularly care for you, but I hope you find your career again. If Kate Hudson can keep making shitty chick flicks (Fool's Gold, My Best Friend's Girl, Raising Helen) then why cant you?

Until Tomorrow--

Day 33- My name is Sarah Palin and I want to give a shout out to all my girls from WASILLA! You guys rock! GO TRL! CARSON I LOVE YOU!

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 05:54:00 +0000

I was watching Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix on TV the other day and it occurred to me: there are hundreds of thousands of children in the world who read the books and see the movies thinking, "I wanna be Harry Potter! He's so brave!" "I want to be Ron Weasley, or George or Fred! (well maybe not Fred...)" "I want to be Hermione! She's smart and beautiful and she kicks ass!"

These children are stupid! Why would you want to be Harry Potter! Why would you want to have the baggage of the entire wizarding universe on your shoulders? Why would you want to constantly be afraid that everyone you know is going to die? Why would you want a direct connection to the dark lord? And for that matter, why would you want to be Ron or Hermione, or anyone remotely connected to Harry Potter?! Why would you want to constantly be afraid that because you're friends with the boy who lived, the most powerfully evil wizard to ever walk the Earth us going to KILL YOU? Why would you want all of that resting on your shoulders as a 15 year old? It doesnt make sense.

You know who I want to be? A wizard kid. Thats it. Like Dean Thomas who does color commentary (no pun intended) for the Quidditch games. Or one of those kids on the left. I want to be just a normal kid who happens to be a wizard, and goes to Hogwarts and does cool magic. I want my biggest worry to be about my O.W.L.S, not "HOW DO I SAVE THE ENTIRE WIZARDING COMMUNITY and DEFEAT THE MOST POWERFUL WIZARD OF ALL TIME with ONLY 6 YEARS OF PRACTICE?!" I want to be one of the wizard kids in the background, hanging out in the school yard while Harry and Hermione discuss how to break into the Ministry of Magic. I want to cry about Cedric Diggory, and then MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE. You know what I would do? I would stay the FUCK AWAY from Harry Potter! That's what I would do.

You might be saying: Yeah, but Harry and Ron and Hermione are the closest friends ever! Dont you want that kind of friendship?

Eh. I'm sure there are cool guys to hang out with at Hogwarts who dont carry around more baggage than Paris Hilton's butler (the joke is that she has a lot of clothes which she has to carry in many suitcases). And the truth is, if I didnt have many friends in the wizarding world, I'm sure there are some Muggles who would want to get to know the kid who can conjure up charm spells that can make them look old enough to buy alcohol. And when its all said and done, JK implies that Harry works in the Ministry of Magic. If I really wanted to I could get a job there too! Only when I worked there, I wouldnt be haunted by memories of my parents, godfather, friends and teachers getting murdered. In conclusion, why be Harry when you can be Duncan Inglebee – Ravenclaw's Quidditch Beater whose most significant school memory was getting a hummer from Lisa Turpin in the Room of Requirement right after the Yule Ball in my 4th year. Oh yea, and I'd have my parents.

IN OTHER NEWS:

1- Remember a while ago I wrote about Tim Matheson and Rob Lowe being the same person? Well this week on Entourage, Tim Matheson played a Hollywood Studio Exec. You know who played an agent--a similarly powerful Hollywood player? ROB LOWE in Thank You for Smoking! Give Rob 15 years and he too can be on Entourage playing an Exec.

Thats another funny thought---Entourage in 15 years! What's Turtle like in 15 years? How fat can that motherfucker get? He's probably still smoking weed. And Drama? What's that dude doing in his 50s? I have no idea. Not acting, thats for sure. Vince--it depends how gracefully he ages. He probably can still act--hopefully be more of a Richard Gere. TruthfullyI doubt it though. He's probably gone back to Mexico. Ari's probably an executive at this point, the stress being too much for an agent. The only one in the "crew" who's actually going to be still going strong--E.

2- I was in the bathroom today watching an episode of The Sarah Silverman Program on my iPod and guess who I saw? JON "DON DRAPER" HAMM! He was on for 6 seconds playing a CABLE GUY installing cable for Sarah! He asks her for a kiss and she rejects it! Idiot!

I also just read an article about him that said that he grew up in ST LOUIS (right around Wash U woo woo!) and in college, besides acting all he was thinking about was getting hammered and laid. Wow Jon. You're awesome. It also said he used to work on soft core porn sets doing set dressing.
Wow Jon. Not so awesome.

Until Tomorrow---

Day 32- Go look up John Mulaney's stand up comedy. It's very very good.

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 05:55:00 +0000

Has anyone seen the ad campaign for the new Disney flick, "Beverly Hills Chihuahua?" I have seen multiple different commercials and one-sheets and not a single one says ANYTHING about the plot. I literally have NO idea what this movie is about. I dont think Disney wants anyone to know. I think they are relying on the idea that chihuahuas are cute and people like Beverly Hills to sell this movie. The one problem is...they're 10 years too late! The Taco Bell chihuahua phenomenon was popular in 1998! Are they really expecting audiences to pay $10 just to see some cute chihuahuas walk around Beverly Hills? Do these chihuahuas even talk? Do you know how long it is taking me to spell the word "chihuahuas" every time I type it!

Who knows--this movie may surprise me and do really well. And if it does...well America is dumber than I thought.

Speaking of movies that surprised everyone and did well, this weekend, the number 4 movie in America that made $6.51 million was "Fireproof." Have you heard of it? I have. You know who stars in it? Take a wild guess---nope its not Carrot Top. Nope---not Fred Savage, but you're getting closer. Nope! Not Leo Dicaprio, but you're soooo close! IT'S KIRK CAMERON! FROM GROWING PAINS!

Let me preface the following pieces of information by saying---I LOVE GROWING PAINS. I watched it every day as a kid, my sister and I memorized the theme song and used to perform it acapella style--harmonies and all. I also think Alan Thicke is a great dad and that some of Leo's and Hilary Swank's best work appeared on this show.

Anyway-in Fireproof, Kirk plays a fireman who's having marital problems, but with Jesus Christ's help, he gets back on track. In case you didnt know, Kirk is now a Christian Fundamentalist evangelist and currently a partner in the evangelical Christian ministry The Way of the Master. I havent seen him much in anything lately except for late night Christian television where he goes up to people on the street and asks them to accept Jesus Christ as their lord and personal savior.

2 Interesting facts about Kirk Cameron:
1. He has 10 kids (6 natural and 4 adopted). with his wife Chelsea Noble (who played his girlfriend Kate on Growing Pains and in "You Lucky Dog").
2. There is a kissing scene in his new movie, but because he had "made a commitment not to kiss any other woman" they brought his wife Chelsea to the set. And "had her wear the dress my character's wife wore. They shot the scene in silhouette, so when I kiss my wife, I'm actually kissing my wife and honoring our marriage."

Wow. Kirk is really intense. But why is it ok to act like someone else is your wife, but its not ok to kiss them? Whatever--let him do what he wants. Hey--if Brad Pitt hadnt kissed Angelina Jolie for Mr and Mrs Smith, maybe Brennifer Anistpitt would still be a couple today...

It's just interesting that after 3 Christian themed action movies ("Left Behind" and its sequels) suddenly this movie heats up (ba dump che!) and actually makes money at the box office.

I guess one should never underestimate the Christian fan base that made The Passion of the Christ $300 million, The Chronicles of Narnia- $300 million and every Tyler Perry movie a hit.

In conclusion--I guess when you have Jesus on your side, anything is possible! And in double conclusion-- Kirk really "showed AMERICA his smile again."

Until Tomorrow--

Day 31- I Cant Wait for Anne Hathaway to get pregnant, so the headline of all the tabloid papers will say "Anne Hath-a-baby!"

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 18:33:00 +0000

I just saw a trailer for the new Adam Sandler movie called, "Bedtime Stories." During the trailer, interspersed with scenes from the movie, the voice-over (RIP Don LaFontaine) read, "What if you told a story...and the next day it came to life!" Now obviously this is the plot of this movie, yet another Adam Sandler high concept movie. That's basically how the writers (Matt Lopez and Sandler buddy Tim Herlihy(as in the Herlihy boys)) sold this movie.

For those of you who dont know, a high concept movie is a movie based around a very simple premise that can reach a wide audience. Think most commercial films. Non-high concept movies are typically character driven indies with artistic integrity.

This got me to thinking, there are a lot of high concept movies that were executed very well, and some that were executed very poorly. Here are a couple of examples, and the "pitches" of the movies to the studios.

1. Liar Liar:
Writer: Imagine a world where a LAWYER couldnt lie for a WHOLE DAY! The lawyer...JIM CARREY!
Exec: Lets make a picture! (This exec happens to be from 1930).

I loved Liar Liar (where the message was, "dont lie"). It isnt necessarily the greatest concept, but it didnt matter because in 1997, Jim Carrey was a god. And rightfully so. I dont think anyone else could have done as good of a job as he did, combining the hilarious physical comedy, with the snappy one-liners and get ready for it....heart. Cary Elwes was also great as Maura Tierney's dorky ass suitor (The Claw!), and Jessica Tilly (apparently the best celebrity poker player out there) was fantastically icy cold as the bitchy whore slut. This movie is quoteable, memorable, and certainly stands to test of time.

PROOF: Last year I was hanging out at AEPi in my friend Stephen Golding's room with like 10 other people. We were all sitting around discussing what movie we should watch. We had like 15 choices. If I remember correctly, among the choices were--Wayne's World, The Big Lebowski, Orange County, Ace Ventura, Austin Powers, Men in Black, Liar Liar etc. It took us literally like 25 minutes, but finally we all voted, and it was down to Orange County and Wayne's World. We all voted again and still arrived at a stalemate. Suddenly, someone (maybe T-BAUM'S World?) said, "hey guys--lets just watch Liar Liar." Unanimously it was accepted and put into the DVD player. So the lesson is: Liar Liar--always a good choice.

ps. I wouldnt necessarily say this movie is timeless--now you wouldnt hear any kid say, "I wanna be Jose Conseco!" Unless they want to actually grow up and take illegal growth hormones and then rat out all of their friends who took them too, and bring down Major League Baseball and do it all to make some money cause you were stupid and lost all of yours.

2. Meet the Parents:
Writer: You all have had awkward encounters when you met your girlfriend's parents...am I right? Sure I am! Well this movie is just that! The hero has one weekend to impress his girlfriend's parents, and instead of winning them over, he just gets into one hilarious embarrassing situation after another! And to make it even more painful for the guy, imagine if the girlfriend's dad was ROBERT DeNiro!
Exec: I like it. It's relateable. DeNiro was funny in Analyze This. Let's make a picture!

I LURVE "Meet the Parents." I remember seeing this movie when I was in 7th grade and never laughing harder. And it holds up! I was watching it on TV yesterday and it was still as hilarious as ever. This is one movie that relies on each situation getting progressively worse and hilarious and it does! (unlike Along Came Polly). And the comedy doesnt always come from Ben Stiller screwing up. The schtick with the airline lady trying to book him a seat is damn funny. Anyway-Owen Wilson is gold and this movie is awesome.

On a side note, I heard Charlize Theron tried out for the part of the girlfriend, but was rejected on the grounds that she "wasnt pretty enough." Interesting how the world works out. Charlize--here's your Oscar. Teri Polo (girlfriend) here's your....Meet the Fockers.

3. Jumper:
Writer: Imagine if one guy could just jump and get to anywhere in the world!
Exec: I like it. But does it have a plot?
Writer: It doesnt need one! We'll get Samuel L. Jackson!
Exec: Let's make a picture!

I hated Jumper. Hated it hated it hated it. I've written about it before, so I will not go into detail now. (If you are interested, look it up. The post has a sexy picture of Rachel Bilson on it!)This movie had a wicked cool concept and completely went nowhere with it. And anything with Hayden Christenssen is bad.

4. Snakes on a Plane:
Writer: It's Snakes on a Plane.
Exec: Fair enough. But who will want to do that?
Writer: Samuel L. Jackson
Exec: Fine. Do it.

I saw Snakes on a Plane opening night and it was great fun. Not very scary, very very funny, and very very bad. But it knew it was bad, so it was ok. This movie had everything you wanted it to have. It even did re shoots to add more blood and more boobs! So I really cant complain.

Some of my favorite lines:
Neville Flynn: Everybody listen! We have to put a barrier between us and the snakes!
Man Bitten on Penis: Fucking snake! Get off my dick!

5. Independence Day
Writer: Aliens attack us. Shit goes down.
Exec: Nice. I smell a blockbuster. Get me Jeff Goldblum and you got yourself a picture!

I have nothing bad to say about Independence Day. Any blockbuster movie that features 2 religious Jews as leads that help save the planet has got my vote!

6. Home Alone
Writer: A kid is stuck home alone and sets booby traps for funny robbers
Exec: How cute is this kid?
Writer: Like REALLY cute. Its the kid from "Uncle Buck!"
Exec: I fucking love that kid!
Writer: Me too!
Exec: The best thing about him, is I figure in 10 years he wont be fucked up at all!
Writer: That child actor will turn out comepletely normal!
Exec: We'll release around Christmas! Lets make this movie!

I Love Home Alone. I love Home Alone 2. After I saw those movies I kept trying to create pranks like that at home, but one of them stained our carpet and got my mom really pissed at me and the other one was just getting a paper bag to fall on the head of anyone who entered my room. It was funny the first time. Any readers out there do funny pranks? LET ME KNOW!

Oh--and in terms of this movie being successfully executed--it was the highest grossing live action comedy of all time until Meet the Fockers came out. Now its the second. So I'd say it was pretty successful.

7. The Animal
Rob Schneider: So get this guys! Imagine if I started acting like an animal! Like peeing on mailboxes and humping people's legs!
Adam Sandler: That sounds really stupid.
Rob: C'mon man! I really need to do a movie! I'm like your best friend!
Adam: I know man, but you're not funny.
Rob: C'mon Adam pleeeeease!
Adam: I dunno---
Rob: PLEEEASE! If you do this for me, I promise I'll never ask you to bank roll that movie I have about me pretending to be a girl!
Adam: Fine. I'll let you do this ONE movie! But there's no way in hell I am giving you money to make "The Hot Chick."

8. The Hot Chick
Rob: PLEEEEEEASSSE!
Adam: No man! I said no! I gave you The Animal and no one liked it! Please let it go!
Rob: But Adam, you're my best friend!
Adam: I said no!
Rob: C'mon! If you let me do this I'll only do supporting roles in your movies from now on!
Adam: You realize this movie will make you the laughing stock of Hollywood. You will literally get shit on.
Rob: No I wont! This movie is hilarious!
Adam: Fine. Whatever. Make your stupid movie.
Rob: I wont let you down!

Both of these movies sucked. The lead actress in The Animal was Colleen Haskell, a contestant on Survivor, and even though The Hot Chick was co-written and directed by a guy named Tom Brady, this movie was not at all Super Bowl material.
I will say that I liked Norm McDonald's cameo in "The Animal" though. As much as he asks you to hate him, Norm McDonald is a funny mother fucker. Watch him at the Bob Saget Roast if you dont believe me!

Until Tomorrow--

PS. You ever notice how after you eat a bowl of Fruity Pebbles, you end up hungrier than you were before? The only good part about them, is if you're lucky, it makes your yabba dabba doo colorful!

pps. As if I couldnt get any more like Shia LeBeouf, I'm getting more like Shia LeBeouf! Shia LeBeouf is playing a character named ETHAN in his new movie EAGLE EYE! Take that disbelievers!

Day 30- For Cock's Sake It's A Blogpost Charlie Brown!

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 03:58:00 +0000

Today I will discuss stupid movies that had the potential to be good, and but took themselves way too seriously and by doing so, sucked.

1. Point Break- A couple things to take into account. 1. This movie was released in 1991, when Patrick Swayze wasnt a punchline. 2. This movie was released in 1991, when Keanu Reeves became an automoton and decided to shy away from his awesome stoner head performances in "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" and "Parenthood." 3. Gary Busey is in this movie.

Point Break is about an FBI agent named "Johnny Utah," (already a name you cant take seriously) played by Keanu Reeves (already an actor you cant take seriously) who infiltrates a group a surfers, lead by the Swayze, who surf and skydive almost all year round, except for the month or so when they rob banks dressed up as Ex-Presidents, to make enough money, so they can surf and skydive. Interesting plot. Lots of cool action sequences--after all, people/Swayze surfing, robbing banks and sky diving are all fun to watch. Yet after the first hour and a half of fun stuff (ie. Gary Busey wearing Hawaiin shirts, Keanu learning to surf from a butch chick who I cant possibly find attractive, Patrick Swayze shirtless), it turns REALLY serious. Keanu busts a bank robbery, people in the surf crew get shot and die, innocent civilians get shot and die, Gary Busey gets shot and dies, (he even has a last word moment!) girlfriend is taken hostage, and shit just goes DOWN. It stops being fun, it starts just making you feel uncomfortable, and every scene towards the end has lots and lots of rain. Who wants to watch rain for 30 minutes! Finally, the last lines of the movie, as Keanu watches murderer Patrick Swayze surf into a hurricane, letting him get away, he turns to the water and says, "Vaya con Dios, Brah." WTF! Keanu speaking Spanish and saying Brah? This movie is nuts. I rest my case.

2. I Know Who Killed Me- For better or worse (CORY would say for worse), Lindsay Lohan is a punchline. Right after she is arrested for so much coke, even Scarface would say, "thats a lot of coke!" she does this movie, as a serious actress. In the movie, she plays a killer/stripper, and does her first real sex scene. No one wants to see someone that coked up and gross have sex; (although I guess the 300,000 youtube hits on that video beg to differ. How do I know it has 300,00 hits? Someone told me! Mind your damn business!) Also-part of the movie is watching Lindsay get tortured by a sadistic serial killer! Who wants to see Halley Parker and Annie James (Parent Trap reference) get cut open? The fact that this movie was treated as a serious character-driven psycho thriller while it's just a horrific, poorly acted piece of tortue-porn just ruins it that much more. It also won 8 Razzies. So there.

3. Hulk (The Ang Lee version)- The Hulk is not an interesting character. The Hulk is a giant green smashing machine that fucks shit up. Bruce Banner is just depressed that he cant have sex with his girlfriend and he's always running from people who want to hurt him. Bruce Banner is not fun to watch. The Hulk is. Lou Ferrigno is awesome. Ang Lee picked Eric Bana, a great actor, to try and act through all of the complicated sides of Bruce, but he's not that complicated. He's not Batman, and this isnt The Dark Knight. When a movie tries to find the real "inner conflict" in a character that doesnt have a strong one, it inevitably will not be successful. Therefore, I'm sorry Ang, but this movie was not very good. The newer Hulk focused a lot more on the action, and because of this, was a lot better.

4. Daredevil- I cant take Ben Affleck seriously. Especially when he "pretends" to be blind.

5. Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and 3- These movies WAAAY thought that people actually cared about the pirate world. The reason the first movie was successful was 1- because Johnny Depp was so damn weird and funny and interesting. 2- Because women love Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom. 3- Because Keira Knightley is hot. 4. Because the action was very fun and entertaining. 5- because Pirates are cool.

Thats it. No one cared about the secrets of "Davey Jones' locker" or the curses of squid faces, or Asian pirate kings in the East or the Commodore. The movie got so wrapped up in its own mythology that it stopped being interesting, started getting confusing, and just lost everyone. Pirates of the Caribbean 1 was so good because it was so silly and unique and fun. It was also very tongue and cheek. The next 2 became humongous spectacles without the charm of the first one. And thats that.

6. Click- This movie started out really silly and decent, filled with sight gags, funny situations and Christopher Walken. Then about half way through it started to get really sad. Like really sad. Like it almost made me cry sad. Suddenly, a movie about a magic remote control became a movie about appreciating family and not working too hard, and making sure that you give Kate Beckinsale enough loving. Like anyone couldnt find the time in their busy day to bed bump the hottest vampire since Antonio Banderas in "Interview with a Vampire." So, Adam Sandler--stick to silly stuff that doesnt take itself too seriously, like "You Dont Mess with the Zohan." Its much more your style.

7. Star Wars Prequel Trilogy- I have a whole other entry post for this, so stay tuned.

8. Battlefield Earth- This film was the depiction of the first half of one of L. Ron Hubbard's Sci Fi novels which have become the "bibles" of the "religion" of Scientology. This had long been a pet project of noted Scientologist and 70s film actor John Travolta, and John even invested some of his own money into the film. Because John Travolta thinks Scientology, and therefore, all the stuff in this movie is real, when he says shit like, "I am going to make you as happy as a baby Psychlo on a straight diet of kerbango" or While you were still learning how to spell your name, I was being trained to conquer galaxies" you have to laugh. Also, notice the giant hands!

Then you think, "Wow, this guy's actually crazy," then you think, "Wow, everyone who is a Scientologist is crazy." And then you think, Wow, I am really hungry. I ate a sandwich a couple hours ago, but I havent eaten anything since and it just crept up on me how hungry I am. I wonder if I have any of that leftover moo goo gai pan left over from that party last night? No, I finished it this morning. Dammit. Lets see, I could eat a Nature Valley bar, but those just suck up all the saliva I have in my oral glands and make me feel like I have cotton mouth. I should just have a bowl of cereal. SHIT! I'm out of milk! I should have picked some up at the market when I went a couple days ago. I am such an IDIOT! Oh well, I guess I'm going to have to jerk it and call it a day.

NEW TOPIC: "WHAT HAPPENED TO..."

This week: Tom Everett Scott. What happened to that guy? He was HANDPICKED by Tom Hanks to be the next....Tom Hanks, and he just completely squandered his career. He was SHADES-charming, handsome, and a pretty solid actor. Then after one decent movie (One True Thing) and a bunch of other shitty stuff starring TV actors (Dead Man on Campus (Mark Paul Gosselaar), The Love Letter (Tom Selleck)) he just went straight to TV and starred in failed shows like "The $treet," "Philly," and "Do Over." Do you remember these shows? Neither do I. Now hes still doing TV, but also a little theatre. I saw him a couple years ago in an LA production of the show "Dead End" which coincidentally also starred my cool cousin Ben Platt. I liked him in that show, so hopefully he'll have a solid theatre career he can always fall back on.

Until Tomorrow-

PS. A lot of what was discussed in this blog was brought up in a conversation between me and Daniel "I'm really not so glad that Burn After Reading did commercially well because I like to feel that I am one of the only ones who REALLY appreciates the Coen Brothers. I've Seen the Hudsucker Proxy" Arkin

Day 29- I read Christopher Columbus' journal yesterday and he writes about having to clean the POOP DECK! He discovered America AND hes funny!

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 18:14:00 +0000

The plot of Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie (as it is written on imdb) is this:

The legendary Power Rangers must stop the evil space pirate Divatox from releasing the powerful Maligore from his volcanic imprisonment on the island of Muranthias, where only the kindly wizard Lerigot has the key to release him. The hope of victory lies in the Ranger's incredible new Turbo powers and powerful Turbo Zords.

So that's funny by itself. But the other half of the plot is that there is this kid who discovers the Power Rangers secret identities and so, they have no choice but to let him become a Power Ranger. When I first heard about this premise as a child I was thrilled and envious. Why couldnt I too become a Power Ranger? This lead to more questions:

When we played power rangers, why did I have to always play Billy? Is it because I wore glasses? Yes. Why couldnt we change our message machine at home from a "beep" to Tommy's Dragonzord call (Dooo...do do do....do do doooo!)? And most importantly, why couldnt my dad be Mr. Saban, the man in charge of bringing the Power Rangers to America. My friend knew the son of Mr. Saban (the kid's name is Ness) and said he had every single Power Ranger toy that existed. Shangri-La.

But back to the original point: now, after talking about it with my good math loving, freckly friend Jeff Hoffman, I realize that the Power Rangers were stupid in making a kid a Power Ranger? This kid was 12! He had no martial arts experience, no real intelligence! He hadn't been "chosen" by Zordon. Little fucker essentially black-mailed the Rangers. Which leads me to this thought: Shouldnt the Rangers have just simply taken care of it. Who would suspect that the peace loving, crime fighting, teenage heroes would off a young kid who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time? No one. They should have invited him to a "Rangers only" party, and then, while they were showing him the hand sequences for how to call their zords, they could have gotten the white tiger zord to rip this kid's fucking head off! Little fucker should have kept his mouth shut and the Rangers shouldnt have bought into his demands. Anyway, if I were a Ranger thats what I would have done. I guess that's why I'm not a ranger.

Continuing with the "kids" theme I feel like someone needs to say this: Poor Spencer Breslin.
Kid had a promising young career appearing opposite Bruce Willis in "The Kid," taking the Disney channel by storm, appearing in such memorable original movies as "The Ultimate Christmas Present," and "You Wish." He was in "The Santa Clause 2," "Raising Helen" and more Disney stuff. People kinda knew who he was, but he was getting more famous, and for a fat kid with buck teeth, he was sure raking in the benjamins. He pretty much had it made. Then that cunt of a sister of his comes along and RUINS EVERYTHING.

Fucking Abigail Breslin. She has like 4 lines in one movie, "Signs," does a little more TV and suddenly gets an Oscar nomination for "Little Miss Sunshine" at like 10 years old! Now she's taking all the movies Dakota Fanning doesnt want to do because she isnt getting raped in them (As far as I can tell, no one got raped in "Nim's Island"), and even headlining them. In "Kit Kitteridge: An American Girl" all around LA were posters of her face with some dog and sometimes, binoculars. She is also getting paid like $2 million a picture.

I wonder who the favorite child in that family is now? If I were Spencer I would be royally POed (which stands for pissed off). I work so hard for like 6 fucking years, toiling in Disney shit, not being able to lose weight because I have to be "the sympathetically chubby kid" in everything. Finally my career may take off because I am getting older and what happens? My bitch ass cum dumpster of a sister does one indie film where she does a silly dance and gets invited to the fucking Oscars! It's just not right. Now I am at that awkward stage in puberty where I cant get work because I am not a teenager, but I'm not a kid and Abitchgail is raking in the dough starring in movies alongside Catherine Zeta Jones and Ryan Reynolds. My next movie is called "Harold" and I play a bald kid. I've already done like 6 fucking movies with Tim Allen! Is there no justice in this world? I guess not Spencer, I guess not. For Spence's sake, all we can do is hope that Ms. Breslin gets knocked up sometime soon and suddenly doesnt seem so cute anymore. I'm looking at you Wild Willis.

Until Tomorrow--

Day 28- "I want to see Meet the Fockers in 3D"- My 14 year old camper Michael Namm after telling him I had just seen Superman Returns in 3D.

noreply@blogger.com (Ethan) — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 21:37:00 +0000

So as you can tell, I will not have the time to necessarily update the blog as frequently as I did during the summer. HOWEVER, you should still check it often as a new post may be up there when you least expect it. Having said that....

HERE IS THE NEW SAID POST!

If I had to be one actor from the mid-eighties to early 90s I would probably want to be Christopher Lloyd. Mr. Lloyd has claimed a firm place in cinematic history as one of the best go-to manic character actors, and has also attached himself to some of the best/most popular movies of those days. Lets go through some of them shall we?

1. Back to the Future (1985): There is really nothing to discuss other than to say that this franchise is in my top 4 movies of all time (Airplane, Austin Powers and The Matrix probably being the other 3). It has action, adventure, humor, time-travel, (I guess there is something to discuss) an eighties soundtrack featuring Huey Lewis and the News, a giant clock tower, awesome chase scenes, a wicked cool/trippy concept, Libyans, an awesome logo, plutonium, Crispin Glover, the brother Dwayne from 'The Wonder Years', fire, and the best score of all time (yes, it is my ringtone). Taking all of that into consideration, even though Marty McFly is the hero of the film, Doc Brown is really the heart and soul of that movie. When he was shot by the Libyans, you (and by you I mean I) almost cried.

2. Clue (1985): Not neccessarily a classic, but the board game is, and the witty dialogue ("You see? Like the Mounties, we always get our man") , excellent casting (Tim Curry as the BUTLER!) and zany cast of characters make this movie a must-watch. This movie also has made it through the sands of time to be played on basic cable on Sunday afternoons. It also has developed a bit of a cult following, so thats 2 for 2 Mr. Lloyd.

3. Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988): This movie is in my top 7. It is one of the most creative, hilarious, innovative, brilliant comedies of the past 25 years. The animation is unbelievable, the plot is engaging, and the cartoon that Christopher Lloyd turns into at the end of the movie is FUCKING SCARY (to be said in an increasingly high pitched voice): "Remember me Eddie! When I KILLED YOUR BROTHER! I SOUNDED JUST...LIKE....THIIIIIS!" Jessica Rabbit (as voiced by the sultry Kathleen Turner) is still the hottest cartoon of all time (No disrespect of course to Tanya Moskowtiz from "An American Tail"). I'd much rather watch her sing in a night club than watch Cameron Diaz sing circa "The Mask."

Furthermore, this is probably going to be THE movie Bob Hoskins is going to be remembered for (Sorry "Super Mario Bros," but Dennis Hopper really mailed in his performance as King Koopa. I much preferred him as Victor Drazen.) Even the Roger Rabbit cartoon that opens the film stands alone as a hilariously violent triumph. The real impressive aspect of the film is that Disney got Warner Bros to let them use Bugs Bunny and the whole gang of WB cartoons. Seeing Mickey Mouse and Bugs Bunny together taunt Bob Hoskins as he falls out of a window? Priceless.

4. The Dream Team (1989): This movie is decidedly much less popular or known, but it did star HUGE HOLLYWOOD STAR (at the time) MICHAEL KEATON. In case you are not familiar with this film, it is like One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest but zany. It's about a bunch of mental hospital patients who go to New York to get fresh air, and end up going astray, getting framed for murder, and just causing a big ruckus in general. If you've never seen it before, well....dont rent it, but if its on TV at some point on Encore or something, I'd take a look. The truth is I remember liking it when I saw it when I was 10, and I havent seen it since. So who knows if it is actually good at all. Lets just move on.

5. The Addams Family (1991). This movie was a huge hit at the time. I havent seen it in years, but I probably never will. Why you ask? Well, when I was on a plane on the way to Israel when I was 6 years old, I sat in the first row right in front of the giant pull down movie screen (remember those?) It was a long flight and I was a very tired boy. I fell asleep and when I woke up, I remember staring into the enlarged face of a bald, pale, hunchbacked, creepy Uncle Fester. He was laughing and to a child of 6...well it wasnt very pleasant sight, especially after a nap. I freaked out and have been freaked out by the Addams Family movies ever since.*

*The other movie that played on that flight was none other than....Mrs. Doubfire! Why I remember this? I dont know. But then again I also dont know any math I learned in high school, so you figure it out.

6. THE FAMILY FRIENDLY 1994 3 PACK: Angels in the Outfield (1994), Camp Nowhere (1994), The Pagemaster (1994). All of these movies are friendly PG movies that champion the power of children's imagination. In AITO cutie patootie Joseph Gordon Levitt thinks he can save the Anaheim Angels season because he can see angels, lead by Christopher Lloyd, helping the team win. "Bahh-humbug" says grizzled manager Danny Glover who acts in every movie as if he is "too old for this shit." Luckily though, Danny begins to believe and everyone wins, including baseball players, Matthew McConaughey, Adrien Brody and Tony Danza. Interesting that Tony Danza was the highest billed guy in the movie at the time, and now he is a poor schumuck probably waiting to appear on "Dancing with the Stars."

"Camp Nowhere" is about a camp that KIDS MAKE THE RULES! NO ADULTS ALLOWED! KIDS RULE! KIDS ARE AWESOME! YEA! Really cool kid stars Jonathan Jackson and Andrew Keegan were the stars of this film (which also featured a young, but still scorching Jessica Alba). Chirstopher Lloyd played the crazy homeless guy who posed as the camp director so the parents wouldnt know what was going on. DID I MENTION--KIDS RULE! I watched this film at camp one summer when I was in the infirmary, sick with a fever. I was drifting in and out of sleep during the movie, but I specifically remember jumping out of my bed to go vomit in the toilet just as the BOY and GIRL were about to kiss. Ahh....good times.

FINALLY-"The Pagemaster" starred Macauly Culkin as a wimpy nerd who gets trapped in a library where all the books came to life and sounded surprisingly like Whoopi Goldberg, Patrick Stewart and Leonard Nimoy. This was a very imaginative idea, and the animation was cool. Ed Begley Jr. as Macauly Culkin's dad was ever cooler. This movie was also surprisingly scary, especially CLloyd as THE PAGEMASTER, but then again, when Christopher Lloyd is in a movie, the fear factor does jump up about 10 notches.

ALL in all C. Lloyd has had a pretty awesome career. He is the craziest mother fucker this side of normal town. I like him a lot. NEW ADDITION--I saw C.Lloyd in this "Goosebumps Haunted Lifehouse" 4D Movie (one of those where if its windy, they blow air in your face) at Sea World a year or so ago and he was in it! He played this crazy old sea captain! But you know who else was in that movie? Michael McKean and Lea Thompson (Lorraine McFly herself!). And then Weird Al had a cameo at the end as a waiter which was totally unexpected and awesome. So the moral is if you go to SeaWorld, EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED.

Until Tommorrow--

PS. Did anyone catch the Mad Men a couple weeks ago where Bobbe was trying to black ball Don Draper in a restaurant? While his wife is at the table, Don follows Bobbe to the restroom, and in the hallway, proceeds to STICK HIS FIST INTO HER VAGINA, and tell her never fuck with him again. Needless to say, she got the message. What message? That DON DRAPER IS THE MAN.