Reality – Life. Busyness. Laziness. Priorities. Urgent issues. Life changes. Work.

I’m still working, still really enjoying my job, and still not really great at planning out my dinners. I’ve been a nice, easy part-time these past couple of months, working three days a week. We’re in the process of finding and booking all the speakers, bands, and worship leaders for Break Forth Canada 2013. It’s like piecing together a giant, 3-D jigsaw puzzle. There are still a couple puzzle pieces missing, but we’re getting there!

Last weekend, a mother from our school passed away. She’d been quite ill over the past year, in and out of hospital. Her husband and two young daughters are left behind. The youngest is in Abbey’s (10) class. She and I will be attending the life celebration today. I know that this woman is in a better place – the best place – but my heart is so very heavy for that Daddy and his two girls who will need to go on without her.

Last week, I had to make a tough decision. A young mom had asked me to mentor her back in the fall. I told her that I’d like to, but I couldn’t look at adding anything to my plate until the spring. She reminded me of her request, I took it to prayer, and I felt God telling me that this was not something I’m supposed to do. He reminded me how He’s been calling me to a level of excellence in the areas I’m already serving (my family, my job/ministry, the Logos Society, my blog/writing/speaking/ministry – cough) and that He hasn’t called me to anything else for this season. Saying ‘no’ to being a mentor was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in a long time. And the enemy is working overtime filling my head and heart with guilty feelings. But guilt is never from God, and He’s been countering the guilt with His assurance that He has a better plan for this young mom.

Megan (9) is being tested for Celiac’s disease. In the past year (actually, in the past seven months) she’s broken two bones in her right arm, one bone in her left arm, and a bone in her foot. This led us to ask our doctor for some testing. We were thinking bone density, calcium, etc. Her second question was, “Do you have a family history of Celiac?” (My mom has it.) The initial blood work came back positive, so now we’re moving towards the next step – biopsies in the small intestine.

Life is a zoo. I always think of the zoo as one of the most fun places to visit, but by the end of the day everyone’s exhausted. Kinda like camping. Speaking of camping…

The camping season kicked off last weekend. Camping is a lot of work! Oh, it’s so much fun! See?

No related posts.

1. Embrace Differences

You’ve heard that Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus… Men are like Waffles, Women are like Spaghetti… women need Love & Respect is what men need… Well, it’s all true! Men and women are inherently different – in their needs and in their primary means of communication. Not only do we need to invest the time to understand these differences, we need to learn to embrace them.

Just the other day I was watching our four-year-old son pretend to shoot passing vehicles with an imaginary shotgun (seriously, a shotgun – he went, “Chck, chck…Boom!”). How does he know this? He’s male, and God created him to do battle, be a protector, be tough. Ever seen a little girl cradling a baby doll saying, “Shhhh, Baby. It’s okay. Mommy’s here.”? She’s female, and God created her to nurture and love.

Too many couples waste valuable time and effort trying to convince their spouse that he or she is wrong and does things the wrong way. The fact is, though, that neither way of being is wrong. They’re just different.

2. Speak your spouse’s love language.

I can’t say enough about The Five Love Languages! If you figure out what someone else’s love language is – and then use it – you will see that person transformed before your eyes. I use the love languages when dealing with my kids, in ministry, at work, and in my marriage.

How does your husband show kindness, love, or appreciation to you? Does he buy you a gift or flowers? (Gifts.)  Does he thank you? (Words of affirmation.) Does he snuggle you? (Physical affection.) Maybe he does some jobs around the house to ease your burden. (Acts of service.) Perhaps he takes you out for a date or an evening stroll. (Quality time.) The way he expresses his love is most likely his love language. Try speaking that language to show love to him!

3. Prioritizing.

In a child-dominated society, we tend to feel guilty if our world doesn’t revolve around the children. We spend hours on activities the children are involved with. We plan our meals based around what our children will (hopefully) eat. Or maybe children aren’t the focus, but our jobs are. Or our ministries. Or our friends and extended family. The sad fact is, you seldom see married couples whose marriage is their priority. Spouses too often get our leftovers – whatever bit of time and energy is left at the end of a busy week.

It takes effort and intentionality to put marriage first and give our spouses our best. But it’s so worth it! Imagine how great you’d feel if your husband came in the door, cell phone to his ear, and said, “I need to go. I’m home and I can’t wait to see my wife!”

My mom shared a great quote with me recently… In today’s society women tend to live as though their job is to serve their children and train their husbands, but the Bible says that women ought to serve their husbands and train their children.

4. Get rid of selfishness.

Many a marriage breaks down under the burden of “equality.” I deserve this… Or I’m owed that… Since he got time away to do _______, I’m entitled to time away to.

This isn’t about equality. It’s about selfishness. Constantly thinking about ‘me’ and ‘I’ will get us nowhere but disappointed. But reversing that thinking will bring joy and fulfillment!

Try thinking, He deserves… I want to do this for him… I can make his life easier by… Not only will acting in kindness to your husband bring you joy, but chances are good that it will motivate his heart to act in kindness to you. Eventually, it’s no longer a competition to win what we deserve, but a contest to see who can give more generously to the other.

5. ‘It’ matters.

You know what I’m talking about!  Sex means something to men that it doesn’t to women. It truly is more of a need than a want. (Kinda like how women need to talk and share emotions.) So let me ask you a tough question – when is it okay to deny meeting one of your husband’s genuine needs?

Would you deny your dog the exercise that it needs? Would you deny your children the affection that they need? It strikes me as odd how many couples are more concerned about meeting the needs of their offspring and their pets than they are about meeting the needs of their spouse.

If you’re feeling like your marriage isn’t all it could be, take stock. Do you notice a lack of marriage builders in your relationship?

If so, don’t be discouraged! There is hope for change (Pat & I are living proof). Next week, I’ll share a surprising truth about what’s required to turn a failing marriage into a thriving one. It’s not nearly as hard as you might expect!

How can I pray for your marriage today?

No related posts.

Megan…our middle daugher…middle child. It doesn’t matter if we do things in order of oldest to youngest or vice versa, she’s stuck in the middle. Not one to quietly do what’s expected, Megan is not your typical middle child.

They say the middle child is a peace-keeper – ours is a party-maker. They say middle children are flexible by nature – ours knows what she wants, when she wants it, and how she wants it. They say the middle child is generally quiet and laid back – ours is loud, proud, and full of spunk.

Our family is fun and funny because of you, Meg. You bring so much joy and so many giggles – you fill up my heart until I think it will burst. I thank God for giving you to us nine years ago. I love you. Happy birthday.

Related posts:

1. Stuck in a Rut

Looking back, I can identify five marriage busters that dragged us down…

1. Comparison

Comparing ourselves to others, comparing our marriage to other peoples’ marriages, and comparing our husbands to other husbands – these will all cause us to be dissatisfied. When we look at the lives of others, we see things through the filter that they choose to use. Generally, we only have the opportunity to see the good stuff from the lives of others. So we look at their public lives (the good stuff they allow us to see) and compare them to our private lives (the hard stuff we prefer not to show others). And we are disappointed in our own performance.

When you find yourself making comparisons, remember that everyone you look at has a whole pile of hard stuff going on that is simply hidden from your view. Some of the most perfect looking marriages are haunted with secret abuse, pornography, loneliness, illness, and other pain that we can’t imagine from our looking glass perspective. Are you sure you really want what someone else has?

2. Unrealistic expectations

I entered our marriage expecting endless romance. Flowers, dates, surprises, and more! I also had expectations about which one of us would do what around the house, how much time we’d spend together, and that he’d love my cooking (even though I’d never learned how to cook). My expectations were fueled by things I read in romance novels and watched in chick flicks, as well as by how my parents did (and didn’t do) things. When reality struck and I realized that the man I married isn’t great at planning secret dates, doesn’t clean toilets, and sometimes like to spend time with the guys, I was disappointed.

I thought that my disappointment rested on my husband’s shoulders – that he was letting me down. Eventually though, I realized that I had expected him to change – that once we got married he would suddenly be different than the guy I’d been dating. The problem wasn’t him, but my expectations of him. Did you marry a man believing you would change certain things about him?

3. Neglect

Those years filled with babies and toddlers, night wakings and diaper changes – they are exhausting. And busy. Every moment is filled with caring for the needs of others. And the last thing most of us want is to cheerfully greet our husbands as they walk through the door after work and care for his needs. Instead, we often greet them with a crying baby on our hip saying, “Here, take him. I’m exhausted!” When bedtime rolls around, we’re asleep in seconds.

Days, even weeks, can go by without us really talking or spending time with our husbands. Communications tend to be the relaying of information. Fun is a word we no longer understands. And though we feel disconnected, we’re too tired to talk about it, much less do anything to change it. Sound familiar?

Here’s a saying I love… The grass isn’t greener on the other side of the fence. The grass is greenest where it’s tended to and cared for.

4. Keeping score

We hear things like “it takes two” and “marriage is fifty-fifty.” So we keep a mental tally. He went out with his friends on Monday, so I should get equal hours out on Friday. I did three loads of laundry this weekend, so he should do them next weekend. I do more than half the housework, that’s so unfair.

Marriage is not a fifty-fifty thing. Marriage needs to be one-hundred-one hundred if you want it to succeed.

5. Fighting unfairly

This one tends to crop up in marriages that are bogged down in the other four issues for so long that the couple is deeply hurting and bitter. A simple disagreement about a simple issue (such as what color of paint to buy) can turn into a full-blown argument about a complex problem that’s been ongoing (such as “you never listen to me”).

If minor disagreements tend to grow into major issues on a regular basis, it might be worthwhile to see a marriage counsellor for some help in developing healthier ways of communicating.

If you’re feeling like your marriage isn’t all it could be, take stock. Do you see any (or all) of these five marriage busters running rampant in your relationship?

If so, don’t be discouraged! There is hope for change (we’re about to celebrate our 13th anniversary). In my next post, I’ll share some marriage builders that can help get things back on track.

How can I pray for your marriage today?

Related posts:

1. Expectations in Marriage
2. Rescue for a Broken Marriage
3. Lessons from a Marriage Weekend

There are three typical responses to being overwhelmed.

1. Freezing.

For some of us, if we get to that point where we can’t see the end and we’re not sure what to do next, we simply do nothing. We drop everything. We become frozen in indecision and inaction. Not only does freezing not help us get through our busy seasons, it results in us letting down other people who are counting on us.

2. Speeding.

For many of us, times of busyness in our lives are punctuated by near-anxiety. We rush, we push, we turn in circles. We look at the whirlwind in our lives and allow it to translate into a tornado in our heads. We talk to fast, we are distractible and confused, and we don’t stop to take a breath – no matter what. Speeding through busy seasons causes us to miss the moments – the God moments, the beauty, the fun. Instead, we’re just stressed-out crazy people until things slow down.

3. Powering through.

Often, we may decide that we just need to “push through.” We tell ourselves to “pull up our socks” or “suck it up, buttercup” and take on a “get ‘er done” attitude. (You may also want to call this the cliché response.) The thing about powering through is that it’s all in our own strength. We don’t leave room for God, we don’t allow friends to partner in our lives by helping… We just put the blinders on and go hard and fast. Alone.

The problem with each of these responses is that they will all eventually fail us. Too many things will come crashing down when we freeze. Our physical and mental health are affected when we speed. And we isolate ourselves when we power through.

So how should we respond to busy, chaotic, stressful, over-filled times in life?

First, let God in. With Him, nothing is impossible. If He has ordained it, He will equip you to accomplish it – in His strength.

Second, let others in. God gave Eve to Adam because it was not good for man to be alone. We’re supposed to have helpers. Asking for help is not an imposition, but a compliment. When you ask someone to support you – whether through prayer or practical means – you’re telling that person, “I trust you. I need you. You are invaluable to me.” There is no greater compliment than to ask a friend for help. (Just be careful to offer your help in their times of need, too.)

Third, slow down and take a deep breath. You will accomplish more if you are calm. You will also get more done if you take time with God each day. Have you ever noticed that on those days when we tell ourselves we just don’t have time to pray or read our Bibles, we still have a long list at the end of the day?

Fourth, keep going. One foot in front of the other, do the next thing. When we’re overwhelmed, we can’t always see the end drawing near. But we don’t need to. We simply need to do one thing. Do it now. And do it well. Then we do the next thing.

And finally, change perspective. Generally speaking, our busy times are not times of tragedy. The problems we are dealing with are not problems of life and death, but problems of life.* Being busy is frequently the bi-product of a rich and full life. So when we experience these crazy, chaotic, overwhelming life moments (or months), we need to remind ourselves to celebrate – these are problems of life!

* This is a saying used by Pastor Dan Cochrane of CrossRoads Church. I simply borrowed it.

No related posts.

This past year has probably been the most fun to watch her grow. So much learning happens in first grade! I love being surprised by the new words that she can read, and the amazing facts she shares about plants, animals, and more. Just the other day at swimming lessons I commented on how Shea has grown up – these days her swimming really looks like swimming (as opposed to bobbing and dog paddling). Shea loves to help around the house, and she takes great pride in doing every job (even the yucky ones like picking up dog poo in the back yard) with perfection.

My sweet Shea-babe, you are a gift. Our family would be so empty without your wide smile, goofy giggles, and big, blue eyes. I can’t believe how quickly you’re growing up to be a young lady. Just the other day, when I saw a photo of you at the age of two holding your new baby brother, I got a little choked up realizing that those days are forever behind us. But I look forward to the days ahead, seeing you continue to develop your gifts and talents and using them to serve Jesus.

Happy birthday to our Princess.

Our family had a great time celebrating her big day. Shea’s favorite part was, undoubtedly, her first slumber party. The 3D movie was a close second.

Related posts:

1. My Anniversary Gift
2. The Gift You Never Wanted
3. Getting the Gift You Really Want

For some time now I’ve had a little ache inside. I’m quite certain that ache is caused by the emptiness I feel when my relationship with God isn’t as rich and full as it’s been in the past. When you’ve had “great, fantastic, wonderful, amazing” it’s hard to settle for “mediocre.”

All I knew was that I had to escape from the work of the retreat so that I could hear God’s voice speaking to my heart.

My afternoon hours were spent in the prayer room, in my bed, and outside walking. The entire time – even those 15 minutes of the most restful, refreshing nap I’ve ever had – spent in intimate communion and conversation with my Daddy. Oh, how I’d missed that! The funny thing is, no one else on the retreat team even noticed I was gone.

Mostly, I talked to God about finding balance in my life. About putting Him and His priorities first. About how I’ve been feeling overwhelmed ever since I started working, and it just seems I can’t get on top of everything. About how disappointed I sometimes feel that I’m not yet seeing growth in the speaking and writing ministry that He called me to.

One question Sandy encouraged us to ask God was, “What is it You want me to prayerfully neglect for this season?” So I asked Him. Here are some of the things He said to me…

Do not neglect preparing a healthy supper for your family. You know that this is important to your husband, and you will bless him and your marriage by taking care of your family in this way.

I kinda argued with God about this one. It’s been my biggest struggle since I started working, and it feels impossible. He told me to stop whining, discipline myself, and do a meal plan. (Don’t you just love how God speaks to us in a way we understand?!)

Do not neglect writing and speaking, but especially writing on your blog. I did call you to a ministry, but I’m the one who will determine its growth rate. Continue to be faithful to minister to the women I place in your path, both in person and online. The growth will come in My time.

Again, I tried to argue. It’s so hard to find time to blog, and I’ve been having trouble focussing my thoughts in to something worth writing. He reminded me that I didn’t have this problem when I was rising at 5:30am instead of hitting snooze until 6:30am. (Ouch!)

Do not neglect your work, which is also an important ministry I’ve called you to. Do not allow a spirit of confusion to divide your attention, distract you, and keep you from giving your all at work.

I didn’t argue with this one. I’ve been feeling torn, like a failure at home and wondering if I should even be working. Yet knowing that God placed me in this job and that I love it.

Finally, I decided to remind God that I was asking Him what I should prayerfully neglect and He kept pointing out things that I wasn’t giving my best to. You know, in case He didn’t notice that. LOL!

Clear as day, I heard these words in my heart, I didn’t ask you to plan this retreat. In fact, I didn’t ask you to become involved in the leadership of your church’s women’s ministry at all. That, my daughter, is an area you can prayerfully neglect for this season.

With those words from Him, a weight lifted from my soul, and my heart jumped with thanksgiving and praise for His name. He is the God who speaks!

In case I needed reassurance of God’s call on my life, He offered it. The sweet woman who prayed with me in the prayer room later came and shared a verse that God had placed on her heart for me…

Jeremiah 1:5 (NLT)
I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my spokesman to the world.

I’ve never read those last nine words before. Not once have I noticed them! God’s Word, it never goes stale; it’s fresh and new every time you read it and take it to heart.

And so, as I continue through this season of life – a season that looks unbalanced in many ways – I do so with the assurance that God’s got every bit of it in His hands.

Question: In what ways does your balance appear unbalanced?

Related posts:

1. Building Your Ministry, part two (continued) – How to Love on Your Team
2. Unbalanced Balance

The session was called ‘Seeking God in the Madness,’ and it was all about going to God not only to find balance in our lives, but going to Him to find His definition of balance for that season of our lives.

I stood on stage while Sandy handed me little colourful balls (the ones they fill up play place ball pits with). As she handed me each ball, she said, “Here’s your…” and filled in the blank with words like: new baby, ministry, job, best friend, marriage, Bible study, housework, baking. Actually, she didn’t say baking – but she should have. I’d have dropped that one on purpose.

The demonstration was to bring home the point that we cannot do it all. There are a finite number of balls that one woman can handle. Even if she’s a gifted juggler, she will at some point need to set something down, pick something up, trade in a few, or completely drop several. Society tells us that the balanced life is to be found by living like Superwoman and doing it all. God tells us that the balanced life is in seeking Him and allowing Him to determine what we do and when we do it, both in our daily lives and in each changing season.

Sandy shared the story of a brief season in her life, when her first child, Noah, was an infant. At birth, he was on life support with “no hope.” So when six weeks or so later they were able to bring him home, it’s not surprising that she would not put that baby boy down for anything. Six months later, well-meaning people began to interject their advice. They saw that Sandy’s life was unbalanced. She wasn’t going on dates with her husband, she wasn’t having time with girlfriends, she wasn’t cleaning her house – all she did was hold that baby boy.

Here’s a gem that you may want to write down…

Sometimes God’s balance in our lives looks completely unbalanced to others (and maybe even ourselves).

You see, at the too young age of nine months, baby Noah left their family to be with Jesus in Heaven. His death was caused by an undetected metabolic disorder that was completely unrelated to the issue that nearly caused his death at birth. No one could have seen it coming. But God knew. And so Sandy lived life blissfully unbalanced for several months, and she has the peace of never thinking, “I wish I had loved on my baby more while I had the chance.” Because that’s all she did.

I knew Sandy’s story. I’ve read every single blog post she’s written since I met her in the summer of 2009, and many from the year and a half before then. (Yes, I’ve even read the Fitness Friday posts and the ones about organic foods. That’s how much I love her.) Yet her story impacted me in a way I hadn’t expected.

As the Co-Leader of the retreat team, I truly expected to be more observer than participant. And that would have worked out really well had it not been for one thing – God had other plans.

To be continued…

Related posts:

1. Three Warning Signs that your Life is out of Balance

The weather can turn on a dime, especially here in Alberta. And it has been one of the most odd winters I’ve ever experienced.

There are some things that simply speak to me of God’s power. Mountains, for example. It’s impossible for me to see a mountain and not think of God and His wonders. Tornadoes – same thing. But I’ve never really ‘seen’ God in the random weather patterns I’ve grown so used to. Until this morning.

It wasn’t the snow. Nor the rapid drop in temperature. But as I sat in my little red chair during sunrise, I was completely awestruck by a flash of lightning and a booming clap of thunder.

God. The One who created the earth and everything on it. The One who commands the wind and snow. Who can turn the weather on a dime. He can even bring a thunderstorm in the midst of a snowstorm.

God. The God who is in control of my life, my breath, and my being. His power knows no bounds.

Wow.

What things make you see and experience God?

Related posts:

1. Hmmmmm

- Sandy Cooper truly is a good as her blog God Speaks Today! You know how some people are great at communicating God’s truths in writing, but when they speak you’re disappointed? Not so with Sandy. I’ve loved Sandy since I met her at a conference several summers ago. I love her even more now. She is hysterically funny, transparently real, and 100% Biblically sound in her teaching. Also, she’s very beautiful and skinny. (Sandy, that was for you.)

- If you take a fitness buff away from home for long enough, you will be able to lure her into eating the sugary treats she usually avoids. I won’t name names, but the blogger/speaker/writer also known as Fitness Friday Girl may have been seen eating a brownie, a rice crispie square, cookies, and TWO cupcakes. She’s still skinny…

- It really is true that when we seek God with all our heart we will find Him. I found Him again… Not that He was lost, but more like I had wandered far enough off the path that I couldn’t hear His voice calling me anymore. Oh, how I love the comfort of hearing His voice!

- If you hate women’s retreats, you’ve been going to the wrong ones. We had fun and loads of laughter together, we dug deep into God’s Word, we worshipped with abandon, we rested and had quiet times, we met new friends and grew closer to those we already knew. All this and we were on the team who planned and led the retreat!

- True balance in life may look incredibly unbalanced. True balance is found by asking God what He wants me to do for today. (Although I knew this, I needed to learn it again. Thanks for the reminder, Sandy.)

- I am blessed to be surrounded by women who love God and are true friends. Both face-to-face and keyboard-to-keyboard. Kelly, Beverly, and Sandy – you are blessings in my life. Thanks for this weekend.

- When a woman you don’t know comes up to you and tells you that she thinks you are beautiful, it can make a girl glow for days. (If you think nice thoughts about someone, please go tell her. You’ll make her day! Or week.)

- I am blessed to have a husband who loves me enough to send me away for a weekend every year to retreat. Not only did he give me the gift of time with God and girlfriends, he gave me the gift of coming home to dinner on the table, freshly bathed children, vacuumed floors, and laundry on the go. Pat, you are my blessing. (Sorry girls, he’s all mine!)

Related posts:

1. Why Retreat?
2. Lessons from the Road
3. Lessons from a Marriage Weekend