The past two days, I’ve woken with knots in my tummy. (Could be Haiti, could be Break Forth…who knows?!)

It’s really real. Wow!

While we’re in Haiti, I’ll try to pop the odd post up here that’s woman-related. But please do follow our blog CrossRoads to Haiti, 2012. We’ll be sharing post and pictures about our time in Haiti, our struggles and celebrations.

Want to come along?

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1. Stained Glass Masquerade

I could have listed so many things… Giant spiders, scabies, getting sick or hurt, Pat getting sick or hurt, wearing skirts all the time, taking the giant (and disgusting) malaria pills… These things all pop into my mind occasionally. But I’m able to push them back and replace them with the assurance that God called me to go, and He already knew all these concerns.

The words that poured from my mouth were a surprise to me, as were the tears that accompanied them. I said…

I’m afraid of the children.

I don’t know how I will be able to see their pain and suffering and then leave them behind.

But even more terrifying than the prospect of walking away is the idea that maybe God will tell me that one (or more) of those children is not to be walked away from…

That scares the crap out of me!

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1. Steps of Fear FAITH
2. Our Greatest Weakness is NOT Knowing Our Own Strengths

I have five more sleeps until Break Forth Canada begins for me (for the registrants, you’ll have to wait for seven sleeps). This means only four workdays to get stuff done. I’m quite certain that I have way more to do than I have time to do it in. Yet I know that Break Forth will go on whether I get every detail crossed off my list or not. So I’m running on a triage philosophy – dealing with the most urgent cases, anything non-life-threatening can wait, and if something is near certain death just gently letting it go.

I have nine more sleeps until we leave for Haiti. Actually, eight, as I’m not anticipating sleep on Saturday night. Our team is taking down a bunch of Rubbermaid tubs filled with supplies. We’ve been collecting supplies for months, only to receive a list of last-minute requests from on the ground in Haiti – it’s a large list! So we’re re-thinking our plans as we prepare to pack up those bins on Sunday. My heart breaks at the prospect of leaving some supplies behind, but I can’t stand the idea of bringing items not urgently needed and not providing things that are.

My truck went into the shop yesterday, and had to stay for a sleep-over. It’s never good when the check engine light comes on. I’m pretty sure that this is a distraction tactic by the enemy. The reason I’m sure – because this problem instantly caused a tight ball of stress in my belly, it has us worrying about finances, and it’s making us feel short with each other.

So in these whirling, twirling, dizzying days, I do the only thing I know will help. I cry out to God. I ask Him to give me peace in the midst of chaos, to keep my mind clear and focussed on the tasks He needs me to accomplish, and to protect me from the enemy’s tricks and tactics. I remind Him that this was His plan to begin with – both Haiti and Break Forth, and that I fully expect Him to provide for all of our needs (even the unexpected financial one). And at any given moment, when the stress of it all threatens to overcome me, I remind myself that the Creator of Heaven and Earth is the one who’s really in control here, so I don’t need to worry.

I can’t remember a time in my life when there have been so many important things going on at once. I also can’t recall a time in my life where I’ve felt such a deep, settled, inner peace. It doesn’t make sense that I should feel peaceful right now. But that’s why I know it’s from my Abba. And I’m sure, due to the prayers of our friends and family.

Thank you for thinking of us when you go before Him these next few weeks. Each prayer is treasured by our Father and by us.

Please keep up with our team while we’re on the ground – we’ll share our highs and lows, our prayer needs, and some photos of what we’re working on. CrossRoads to Haiti, 2012

“Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.” ~ Matthew 18:19-20

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There are three times in my life where God has felt close.

1. When I’m going through hell.

As much as I hate going through difficulties, there is beauty in times of struggle. During these times, I am forced to rely on God more. So He seems closer. He isn’t; in reality it’s me who’s moved closer.

During a difficult financial time in our lives, I talked to God all day, every day, about everything. I prayed as I grocery shopped, asking God about each item before I placed it in the cart. I remember being in the diary aisle, trying to decide which luxury (if any) to place in the cart – yogurt or block cheese. I was pretty sure the yogurt made more sense, because it would last longer and cost less. But I felt like God was telling me to get the cheese.

Being one of His children who has trouble with immediate obedience, I asked Him, “Why?” I felt the words, “Bless your husband,” echo through my soul. (Pat loves block cheese.) It was strange, but I obeyed. I checked out with my bill coming to something like $0.67 less than I was carrying in cash.

At this same time, we had friends who were living by faith and hand-to-mouth. They were about to leave to be missionaries, and had sold their home. The whole family was living in a dingy hotel. Another family in our church invited them to move in temporarily, until it was time for them to move away. And they had a large Rubbermaid tub full of food that they were told they did not need to bring along. God put us on their hearts, and they delivered the bin to us two days after my shopping trip.

Wouldn’t you know it, but that bin contained an 18-pack of individual yogurts!

2. When those I love are going through hell.

There’s nothing like seeing someone you dearly love suffering and struggling to bring you to your knees in prayer. Especially when you know their pain is so deep that they can’t do more than cry out the name of Jesus and collapse at the exertion.

Seeing others suffer also brings a tender, slightly guilty-feeling awareness of your own blessings. This mixture of sorrow, prayer, and thankfulness has brought me so very near to my Abba (my Daddy) many times.

3. When I seek Him with all my heart.

You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart. ~Jeremiah 29:13

Imagine you dropped your wedding ring in your living room. You know it’s there somewhere, but you can’t see it. How diligently, carefully, thoroughly, and time-consumingly would you search for that ring? I think that’s what “all your heart” means.

All your heart means:
- You really, truly want what you’re looking for.
- You will not – or cannot – quit until you find it.
- You are willing to sacrifice other things to continue searching.

In my life, seeking Him with all my heart looks like… Waking up and inviting God to be a part of the details of my day. When something good happens, taking a moment to thank Him. When something interrupts my timetable, taking a moment to ask Him to guide me through it and to use that interruption for my good and His glory. Obeying the quiet prompts He places in my heart – whether it’s praying for someone, paying for the coffee of the next person in line, or writing a bigger cheque than I believe I can afford.

Seeking Him with all my heart is like a teenage crush. I wake up thinking about Him. I talk to Him, write notes to Him, think about Him all day. I look forward to any stolen moment I might get with Him. My affections for Him are undivided; nothing is more important. When I hear His voice my heart rate picks up, and I’m excited.

The true honest fact of the matter is that I haven’t figured it out. The first two ways of feeling close to God are out of my control. And the third way isn’t easy. It takes time, energy, commitment, dedication, and focus. Too often, I let my time be eaten up by silly pursuits. I frequently waste my energy on over-planning and worrying. My commitment to sleep can be stronger than my commitment to time in His Word. My heart’s dedication can get all upside-down and inside-out. I can be a little “ADD,” my focus straying to whatever needs my attention for a moment, then flitting to the next thing.

Seeking Him with all my heart is not as easy as it sounds. But it is worth it. The reward is feeling so close, so loved, completely intertwined with My Lord. (And you know what, it is so much nicer to experience that closeness without the heartache that comes with the first two ways!)

How do you seek Him with all your heart?

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Let me tell you…

Place the phone in the back pocket of your jeans. Have a seat and do your business. Stand and pull up your jeans. Hear the plop-splash of the phone dropping into a bowl of pee.

I’m certain that most dropping-phone-in-bowl experiences are not into fresh bowls. After all, how many people flush before they stand? And it’s the standing that causes the dropping.

And did you know that, even if you don’t want to plunge your hand into the non-fresh toilet bowl, not doing it isn’t an option?! You’ve already probably destroyed the phone, but you don’t want to risk destroying the toilet as well.

Incidentally, when Pat was working as an apprentice plumber a few years back, he said that cell phones are the #1 cause of toilet clogs in bars and nightclubs. Apparently the concern about destroying the toilet in nonexistent if it’s a public toilet.

My cell phone is currently buried in a bowl of rice, hoping that the rice will absorb any lingering moisture. (It got extra wet because I couldn’t even consider the possibility of not washing it off!) I’d like to thank all the fools who came before me for sharing your phone-dropping experiences on Facebook. If not for you, I’d never have known about the rice trick.

Signed,
Foolish in Alberta

Related posts:

1. Priorities, Priorities
2. How Could I Resist?

1. Where is it harder to be a Christian? In North America, or in a country where you are persecuted (possibly even executed) for Christian faith?

2. What are the challenges you see at being a Christian in that place?

3. And what are some positives you see?

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I quickly picked up my cell phone and told my children that I’d call them back. I answered my desk phone before the cell was disconnected.

Curing the course of my 10-minute work conversation, my cell phone rang incessantly. They must have called back 3-4 more times! I felt a mixture of annoyance and dread.

When I called back the first question I asked was, “Is everything okay?” The second was, “Why would you feel the need to call over and over like that?! I told you I’d call right back.”

An excited voice informed that it was very important. “Mom! You know the big boxes in the garage?! The ones from the new washing machines?! Can we please, please, please use them?! I want to make a fort in my room! Pleeeeeaaaasssee?!”

How could I say no?

Funny how things that seem unimportant to one person mean the world to another… Priorities, eh?

Ah few short minutes later my phone jingled again. “Um, Mom… Are you going to come in the garage door?”

“Why????”

“Well, um, I think you should come in the front door instead. Yeah. Okay?”

“Okay, why?”

“You know that box? The bigger one? It, um, it’s kinda stuck.”

Ended my workday off with a good chuckle. Thanks, kids!

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1. Priorities
2. The Day We Lost Our Phone
3. Peace that Passes Understanding

(Click on any of the photos to enlarge.)

(If you’re reading via email, you may need to click through to the post in order to watch the video.)

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2. Will you Refuse?
3. Send. Help. Now.

2. Dinner that I didn’t cook.

3. Children who play together without bickering.

4. A husband who says nice things about me to others.

5. A small group who takes praying for my “busy-ness” just as seriously as they pray for those who’ve lost loved ones and whose families are at the breaking point.

6. A job where I get to do things I love and enjoy, serving God and others.

7. The perspective that comes after sleep.

8. Sad shows that I give me the emotional release that comes with tears.

9. Good books that capture the imagination of our whole family.

10. Fridays. (As a stay-at-home mom, Mondays were my favorite day of the week. As a working mom, complete 180.)

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2. Stupid Things We Say
3. A Time to Weep… (*updated)

At least, that’s what I thought… Until I discovered “busy” for myself.

For the month of January, I am a full-time (and then some) employee. Going in, I knew that January would be a huge adjustment for me. I also knew that it would be very full of other important things, beyond work, as our departure for Haiti coincides with the one weekend that is the culmination of all of my work (all year long) – Break Forth Canada.

I planned ahead for this month, and made clear that I would be unavailable for certain evening meetings that I’m usually involved with. (And I should just mention how thankful I am that the Lord has provided me with such understanding and gracious friends to work alongside, who are more than willing to take over my duties for 6 weeks!)

I figured that my mental and practical preparation for this brief season in my life would help make the transition easier. Maybe they have. But I must confess, it’s still very difficult!

By 8:30pm, I am yawning and ready to crawl into bed. (I don’t, but if I was smart I would.) When people ask me questions, I freeze, unable to locate an intelligent answer in the recesses of my brain. I have a notebook with a master list in it, “To Do Before BFC/Haiti,” that I’m constantly scribbling more notes on. So far, nothing has been crossed off.

If someone asked how things are going for me right now, I would be lying if I didn’t tell them “Busy.” So I guess I owe a whole lot of people an apology for my internal judgement of the use of this term. Forgive me. I had no idea…

However, I must also confess that I’m having fun!

I’ve been so blessed to attend BFC the past few years, and it is a thrill to be a part of the amazing work that God will do there. I know firsthand what a powerful, life-changing experience this conference is. It’s quite awe-inspiring to realize that, this year, I get to be a co-facilitator with God in the life change of thousands.

And the mixed bag of joy and terror that comes with preparing to go to Haiti is a wild adreneline rush! Ever since Christmas, when I think about this trip I find my stomach filled with butterflies. I cannot wait.

I know that this season of “busy” is a blessing from God. I am humbled at the very deepest recesses of my soul when I contemplate the work that God has called me to this month. (Oh, I hope I don’t screw it up!) To be honest, I kinda thrive on the chaos. My kids have been fed more healthy meals in the past two weeks than in the entire month before.

And I am so deeply grateful that, when I have a moment of crazy, insane, Imgoingtodrown, I can tell myself, “This is only a very brief season in my life. I know the exact day that it will end. I can power through, tapping into the strength of Christ in me, with the knowledge that a season of peace is close at hand.”

There isn’t really a point to this post. No major word of encouragement or Bible passage to inspire you. Just a glimpse into my head and heart and life. So you have no illusions that I’m some sort of perfect, calm, and organized maven. I’m just a girl, living my real life, sharing bits and pieces of it with you, hoping that we can get through it together.

P.S. I need to give some serious props to my husband. Our family enjoyed a delicious dinner yesterday, and we will all wear clean underwear today, thanks to his hard work at home. All while I sat in a dazed stupor on the couch. I love you, honey!

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