Jokes and Loads More

Will you spot me

2012-03-30T08:10:00.002-07:00

A bikini is an outfit

2012-03-26T02:54:00.002-07:00

A bikini is an outfit where 90% of a woman's body is exposed.

The amazing fact is that men are so decent, they only look at the 10% that isn't.

The perfect crime

2012-03-26T02:50:00.001-07:00

I committed the perfect crime: I put a mime artist in an airtight glass box.

Nobody suspected a thing.

judge just gave me life

2012-03-26T02:48:00.001-07:00

The judge just gave me life in an Ethiopian prison...

I should be out in three days.

The police got me a

2012-03-26T02:44:00.001-07:00

The police got me a really big bouncy castle for my birthday.

All I had to do was stand on a ledge outside my office.

Top and bottom biscuit

2012-03-24T07:31:00.001-07:00

Have you noticed how the top and bottom biscuit in the packet are always broken?

I don't know why they bother putting them in.

Wayne Rooney

2012-03-24T07:28:00.002-07:00

Wayne Rooney has visited Fabrice Muamba in hospital.

"It's great, he can almost string a sentence together" said Fabrice

Fastest f1 pit stop

2012-03-23T13:29:00.001-07:00

Horny Durex balloons

2012-03-22T09:16:00.001-07:00

my sexy neighbour

2012-03-22T08:26:00.001-07:00

I popped my head over my sexy neighbour's fence today to see her lying in her bikini.

"Wow, you're gorgeous!" I burst out, "I hope you know how to do CPR."

"Why?" she asked with a giggle, "Because I've taken your breath away?"

"No," I replied. "I've just run your son over out front."

Dumbo the flying dog

2012-03-22T07:35:00.000-07:00

Goldfish joke

2012-03-21T07:46:00.000-07:00

I took my sons goldfish to the vet today but it died just before we got there.

I knew I should have put some air holes in the cardboard box.

you're on a Segway

2012-03-21T07:45:00.000-07:00

I saw a woman walking alone in the street last night so I stopped beside her.

I said, "Can I give you a lift home?"

"No thanks, I'd rather walk" she replied.

"Is it because I'm a stranger?" I asked.

She said, "No, it's because you're on a Segway."

New York from the air

2012-03-21T07:42:00.001-07:00

booze talking

2012-03-21T05:54:00.002-07:00

I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a police woman she looked fit.

Although things went sour when I said, "And that's not just the booze talking either"

Top joke

2012-03-21T05:51:00.001-07:00

My girlfriend can never make up her mind. I bought her a lovely gift for her birthday, but then she tells me that we should be saving and that she doesn't want a present. Now she's decided she would like a present after all. How do you undrown a puppy?

One angry little pouch

2012-03-20T10:36:00.001-07:00

Ouch !!!

2012-03-20T10:27:00.001-07:00

International Women's Day

2012-03-20T09:28:00.002-07:00

Today is International Women's Day.
It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.

"It's a boy!"

2012-03-20T09:27:00.002-07:00

"It's a boy!"

I shouted, as I ran from the Thai brothel.

good joke

2012-03-20T09:26:00.002-07:00

I've just heard on the radio that the leader of the Monkees has died,

R.I.P. Nelson Mandela.

She wasn't happy

2012-03-20T09:25:00.001-07:00

My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes yesterday.

She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.

Arguing with a Christian is like

2012-03-20T09:22:00.002-07:00

Arguing with a Christian is like playing chess with a pigeon.

You could be the greatest player in the world, but the pigeon will still knock over all the pieces, shit on the board and strut around triumphantly.

sexier with her hair back

2012-03-20T09:20:00.002-07:00

I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back.

Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.