This is part 3 in a series. Read the first part and the second part.

Well, this is (probably) the last in the series and I'm posting much more quickly on the heels of the previous post than I did before, largely because I don't want that last post to be out there too long without me explaining why I did this. I feel like it sounds...kind of pitiful, oh woe-is-me, but it was definitely not intended to be. (Nobody has told me this...it's just what I think. I actually got a tremendous amount of positive feedback. It was wonderful.)

Anyway! Why did I write this little series containing an honest look at our financial life? Well, the idea first came to me as the Occupy Wall Street protests were just getting started and I was reading a lot of stories from average people that sounded a lot like mine. Then things started snowballing from there... We had a book club at work where we read Caitlin Shetterly's memoir Made for You and Me - it was so similar to our own story that many places had me in tears. I wept for them, for us, for all the people who were losing their homes, their savings, their sense of dignity and purpose. (It's an excellent book, by the way, read it if you can.) At the book club, perhaps a third of us had experienced situations not unlike hers where we found ourselves jobless and dependent on family and friends. There were young people who were experiencing it firsthand and older folks who were seeing their children go through this (and often housing them too). There was some talk on Twitter about how people don't talk about this kind of stuff and it seems that folks really appreciate when someone shares their honest story. So I decided to share! If it makes one person out there feel a little less alone in their situation, then I will be satisfied. It certainly made me feel less alone - thank you for all your tweets and comments and messages!

More than that, I hope I'm contributing in my own tiny way to a growing dialogue about what is happening in this country right now. In the grand scheme of the history of humankind, yes, we have it pretty good. Really excellent you could even say. Even compared to the majority of places on earth right now...we're doing fantastic. We are not in the midst of a civil war. I have plenty of access to fresh water. I have a roof over my head. I have heat, though we certainly keep it colder than I'd like in our house these days... I have enough to eat. I don't have to contend with wild animals, 16 hour workdays, brutal dictatorships, landmines or any number of other awful things. I have the luxury of sitting in my heated house, with my wireless internet and typing away on my laptop. I know. I get it. But in a country that tells you that if you work hard and get an education, you will be "successful?" When so many people are doing just that and...failing? (At least temporarily.) Knowing that I'm lucky compared to so many other people in the world may help me keep perspective, but it doesn't make paying the bills or rent or putting food on the table any easier.

And that's part of why I feel so frustrated.

I feel like I did everything right. I was told certain things growing up - if you're smart and work hard, you will be successful. I am smart. Smarter than the average bear, I'd say, if you don't mind. I took all those AP classes in high school, did the honors program during college and graduated with honors. Did well in grad school. I'm always learning new things of my own volition. I read. I consider myself relatively financially savvy. (But when you don't have anything to work with, it's hard to make some of those smart financial decisions. Have a nest egg! Right.) My smarts have allowed us to subsist on less than we might have otherwise. I credit my willingness to learn how to make stuff - clothes, dishwasher detergent, bread, granola - with saving us quite a bit of money over time. I use my brain to navigate the world of coupons, money-saving deals and government programs - and that last one is no small feat, trust me.

And I like to think I work pretty hard too, though of course I always feel like I could be working harder. I've always had a job (or two...or three) or have been looking (hard!) for one. I worked more hours in college than most people I know, but usually not at jobs that were any good for my future career. Money held me back there - I could never take those unpaid internships that many of my peers held in order to further my career-related skills because I couldn't afford to be not earning money for that length of time. (Or reducing my paid-work hours to the degree I would have had to in order to do both. I did eventually find one paid internship in college, but it was short-lived.) I consider myself very lucky just to have been able to attend college and grad school at all, trust me.

But if I'm smart and I've always worked hard...what gives? Am I just unlucky? Is there something wrong with the system? Is there something wrong with me? Was I lied to my whole life? How come, at a time in my life when I thought for sure I would have everything all figured out, do I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing or how I got here?

I can't, with any surety, answer those questions. I will say that I know I've made some bad decisions in my life and that I'm far from trying to blame my problems on anyone else in particular. For instance, I quit a job once because it was so horrible that when I pulled into the parking lot in the morning, I would start to cry. I didn't wait to find another one, even though that would have been the responsible thing, because I just had to get out of there now. As it turns out, I didn't find anything for a good long while. Should I have waited? Probably. And I know that I've purchased things I shouldn't have on credit just because I wanted them. Who hasn't? The drudgery of budgeting every penny can really wear you down and I truly believe that everyone needs a little treat every now and then. But how big a treat? Are we talking a latte or a PlayStation? My recent splurge was to order two scarves that I probably shouldn't have. But we couldn't afford gifts for Christmas and my birthday is coming up so I decided to spend the $20. Should I have done that? Financially, no. But it was good for my peace of mind and I'll just have to deal with the consequences. Another of my downfalls, not exactly a decision, is that I'm horribly socially awkward. OK, maybe not horribly, but I don't have that certain something that some people have that allows them to succeed in spite of their inherent idiocy. I always sort of assume that the fact that I'm not a blathering idiot will be clear to people, but that's not always the case and I have a really hard time advocating for myself when I think it should be apparent. (I really need to get over that...)

So why did I title these pieces "I am just like you?" Because I am. The regular, average "you" of middle-class America, if such a thing exists anymore. I walk down the street wearing decent clothes, a nice haircut and respectable looking shoes with my adorable toddler in tow. I carry a gorgeous handmade bag, that I bought years ago and saved for. I drive an ordinary older car. I accessorize in this wintry time with beautiful hand knit hats and scarves and mittens. You would never look twice at me. You wouldn't see me and think, "She's poor." You would see me and think...probably nothing at all. Or if you're a knitter, maybe, "Hey, that's a nice pair of mittens." But probably nothing at all. (You wouldn't see me and think, "She has money" either, but that's a different story.) I feel like I fit in with my friends, though I know some of them "have" substantially more than we do. It usually doesn't bother me until it comes to doing something with or for our similarly-aged children and I can't afford to do it. I know I'm not alone - I've talked with other mamas who are equally unable to send their children to expensive classes or daycares, much as we all might like to. But it doesn't make it any easier.

So what does the future hold?

I have no idea. Ideally, M will finish school and land a great job. I would love to work more but I would also love to spend as much time as possible with my kiddos. If it's a matter of paying the bills, and daycare doesn't eat up all my paycheck, I will have to accept that I may have to work more hours, if I can find something. If we can get by on less (which I think we can, because, well, we are) then I will continue working part-time and momming part-time. I know that we have family and friends that won't let us starve or be homeless and for that I am eternally grateful but I am always so hesitant to "take advantage" even though I know they are more than willing to help.

If we only could ask.

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There are a number of great books to read about this issue. I prefer personal narrative types, like Caitlin Shetterly's memoir that I mentioned above, or Barbara Ehrenreich's Bait and Switch. (Or any of her other books, for that matter...) There are others that are slipping my mind at the moment. As someone said to me about the previous post, people don't really understand until they hear personal stories. Especially stories from friends. We never think it'll happen to us or to people we know. But it does. Every day.

This website has been making the rounds on Facebook recently and it's worth mentioning. It makes you take a hard look at poverty and what you need to do to make it through a fictional month. Our budget is really quite close to that in reality and the questions addressed are things I at least think about, if not actually deal with, on a daily basis. Take a look. It may be eye opening.

Then there's this post on Why You're Always Broke. This is exactly the kind of post that pisses me off. Yes, this may be why you're always broke if you're a twenty- or thirty-something with no kids and a decent job. It's not that the reasons given aren't valid - they totally are - but they are just so superficial. It barely scratches the surface of why people are broke. And it leads off with the tired old "Don't buy that morning latte" suggestion, which...really? We've all heard that a million times before. If you are in a situation where buying that morning latte is really all that's making you broke? You're not doing so bad. They are good suggestions and we practice every single one. But let's go deeper people!

I'll be doing a follow up post soon about ways that we save money...it will probably include things on that list! But I hope that I'll be including some more substantial things you can do as well. And it certainly won't be titled "Why We're Always Broke" because the answer to that has nothing to do with our coffee consumption and everything to do with our paltry income and our current inability to increase it.

To everyone who wrote to me and left comments or tweets - thank you for your support! And to those of you in the same or similar situations - hang in there! There's not a lot else we can do but be there for each other.

Hugs.

This is the second in a series. Read the first part here.

I've let this stew for a long (long) time, as you may have noticed. While it's true that other things did get in the way - the holidays, etc. - I've just been putting it off for fear of...well...what people will think. It's hard to admit to some of these things. But my aim in putting it out there is that it will make it easier. For myself and others.

From this point on if you've read my blog carefully, you'll already know parts of the story.

I left off with us hightailing it out of Texas with a belly full of tiny baby, a UHaul truck packed to the gills with us, all our earthly possessions and two very unhappy cats...

We stayed with friends when we arrived in Maine. And as much as I loved living with them, and would do it again in a heartbeat if I had to, having 4 adults, 3 children and one baby-to-be under the same (small-ish) roof was a little intense for us, having just moved from our apartment where it was just us and the cats. (Oh yeah, in addition to the people add in two cats and a dog. Plus, chickens and ducks and turkeys and a sheep or two, but they're outside so do they really count?) We moved into our own place a few months later and here we remain to this day. We're fortunate that our landlord is a little lax and didn't check our credit or jobs or anything, since we didn't, well, have any. We used our unemployment to pay the rent and qualified for MaineCare for health insurance for me and baby-to-be, but not M.

Things haven't changed much. M has only been able to get a few temporary jobs and so decided to go back to school to hopefully improve his prospects. I started a job working from home right before E was born and have been doing that ever since. In addition, I was lucky enough to get a very part-time job in my field (wow!) when she was about 7 months old. That job has increased in hours over the past year but I'm still only a half-time employee. I love my job. I love the people I work with. I make decent money, per hour, but since I only work half time, it doesn't add up to quite enough to pay (all) the bills. The yarn business brings in a teeny amount, mostly just enough to be able to sustain itself, pay for unexpected bills or an occasional indulgence. The photography business has barely brought in a cent. (Yet! Tell your friends! Please!) And now M is trying to maneuver around his school schedule and find a job that will work around it, or switch his schedule up to make full-time employment work. So, again, I find myself living off student loans, credit cards and my meager earnings and relying on various forms of government assistance.

Hi, my name is Laura and I receive food stamps.

That's another one of those things nobody talks about - help. We don't talk about how broke we really are and we don't talk about who or what is helping us through. (And God forbid we have to ask for help...but that's another story.) I know a few people around us are aware of the fact that we get food stamps. (Which aren't actually stamps at all - the money comes on a preloaded debit card that you swipe just like any other at the grocery store.) But it's not common knowledge that we receive this assistance. And, frankly, without it we would be either very hungry, more in debt, or...something. Our food stamp money covers about half of our food expenses in any given month, more if we need it to and can be extra frugal. (I'm tempted to do a project to see if I can stretch it to cover all our food expenses...stay tuned...) We do not eat lavishly. We do eat fresh, organic when possible, local food. But I am fairly food-savvy and can cook well, which helps. Heck, you've seen my blog - the recipes here, especially in recent months, are pretty inexpensive. I don't tend to use exotic ingredients, or even much meat. (Meat is expensive, yo!)

Our other main source of financial assistance is health insurance. Like I mentioned before, we qualify for MaineCare, which is the state of Maine's insurance program for us po' folk. Without it, I don't know where we'd be. (Well, besides completely uninsured...) They paid for all of my prenatal care with E, her birth, and now for all her well-baby checkups and miscellaneous doctor's visits. M and I are covered too, for the time being*, but as relatively healthy adults, we don't make nearly as much use of it as she does. If I had to pay for insurance through my job, it would cost me well over half what I make to cover our whole family. Even just to cover E and I, it would mean a hefty bill. Between that and daycare, I'd be spending more than I make. I am eternally grateful for the MaineCare program, despite its drawbacks and difficulties and I sincerely hope that it can continue to help my family and others like us, while we need it. I have high hopes for getting off food stamps, but insurance is another issue. Without a major change in our situation, there's no way we could afford it on our own. Hopefully that change is coming sooner than later! We're working hard to make it happen, but it doesn't seem any closer than it was a year ago.

Despite it all, I feel lucky. We're all in good health, we can (so far) afford to keep a roof over our heads and stay warm. Thanks to food stamps, we can eat relatively decently. We live near my family and they are all in relatively good health. I don't feel like I'm lacking for much, as long as I don't put my wanty pants on.

But we economize in almost every way. We almost never go out and when we do it's with a coupon or somewhere cheap. We rarely travel. (My Rhinebeck trip was my big trip this year and the whole thing cost me less than $200.) Most our gifts are homemade, which I would probably do anyway. I make most of our bread products. I've started making our own yogurt too. We don't buy breakfast cereal, but instead make our own oatmeal and granola. I cook almost all our meals from scratch, using aforementioned inexpensive ingredients. We cloth diaper. We don't have cable or smartphones. We have one cell phone that has prepaid minutes, for emergencies, which costs us about $40 per year. Yes, per year. I only get my hair cut once or twice a year. The vast majority of E's clothes, toys and other items are hand-me-downs and/or gifts. We don't buy books, but go to the library. I make our dishwasher detergent. So when I hear suggestions to save money by, say, not buying that morning latte? I get a little frustrated.

Because even though I feel pretty lucky, sometimes I start to think about our financial situation and I get all stressed out. I wonder when, if ever, we'll have enough money to just be able to afford to buy, say, a new pair of shoes when we need them. (And I do mean need, not want.) Or if I'll ever not have tens of thousands of dollars of student debt hanging over my head. (I currently owe more than 3x my annual salary.) Or if we'll ever get that credit card paid off. (I have high hopes.) Not to mention big picture things - will we ever be able to afford to buy a house? Give E the things she needs and wants as she gets older? Get a new(er) car? Save for retirement? Meet any of our life goals that remotely involve money? Those are questions I can't answer and they make me nervous to think about. We are one large car repair or unexpected health issue away from really and truly not being able to make it. As it is, I'm rather thankful we don't own a house and therefore don't have to worry about losing it...

How many people are in the same situation? Uncountable numbers, I'm sure. I know I'm not alone, but sometimes it feels like it.

Stay tuned for the next installment - why? And what does the future hold?    

*For the time being, we are covered under MaineCare but the governor is working hard to change that. We are exactly the people who will lose coverage if the proposed cuts go through.

I get a lot of PR people contacting me about various things, most of them entirely irrelevant to my interests/this blog/my location. (Hey Austin PR folks - I moved away 2.5 years ago! Just, y'know...) But once in a while, something catches my eye and I actually pay attention! This is one of those occasions. How could I pass up free apples?

The apples are called Piñata and this is what they have to say about them:

"Piñata is a cross between England's Cox's Orange Pippin, Russia's Duchess of Oldenburg, and the classic American apple, Golden Delicious. The best attributes of these three varieties combine to make Piñata, an apple that is crisp and juicy with both high sugars and high acids, and a subtle tropical finish."

And you know me, I wouldn't actually blog about them if I didn't like them. They were really quite tasty! We ate them fresh, me and little E, though apparently they are good for cooking too. And the most recent apples I've been getting from the supermarket have been rather mealy and dry and a little long in the tooth, so it was refreshing to get some nice, crisp juicy apples this time of year. (Though M did mention it seemed to take advantage of modern logistics, this sending two apples in a little padded box through the mail...)

But we were glad to have them! E devoured them, but she isn't exactly an apple connoisseur, so... I thought they were crunchy, crisp, surprisingly juicy. They were a nice mix of sweet and tart. I'm not a huge fan of the "Delicious" family of apples myself, so there was something that I didn't exactly love about them, but really they were quite good and I will definitely make a point to seek them out this winter!

My only real complaint is that they are only licensed to be grown by one grower and I'm not really sure how I feel about that...but frankly I don't know enough about the apple industry to have any sort of adequately educated opinion about it, so take my words with a grain of salt!

The apples are tasty - give 'em a try!

Find them here...