Eat Like a Champion

Far East Cafe: Biiiiiiiiiig Trouble.... In Little China!!!!!

2013-03-27T15:47:00.003-07:00

I've never been a huge fan of Chinese food!!!! I mean, it's OK but I've never really liked it all that much!!! Hell, I'll eat the stuff, but I will never voluntarily seek out Chinese food when I'm starving and looking to load my gut up with savory food to release those damned endorphins like nobody's business!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! I don't know, there's just something about the spices and sauces of Chinese food that I just don't care for that much!!!! And I'm going to tell you something, I don't really want to review Far East Cafe!!!!! I don't want to review any Chinese food restaurant to be perfectly honest with you!!!!!! But, I ate here when I was in San Francisco's Chinatown and for some reason feel obligated to review this place!!!!!! In full disclosure, there are a lot of Orange County restaurants that have brought about ridiculous thoughts and unbridled passion in me that I cannot wait to post on this blog!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! But I haven't allowed myself to do it because I told myself that I would write a review of Far East Cafe in San Francisco, wrapping up my Bay Area eating adventure, before I did anything else!!!!! So here we are!!!!!! Just looking to get this out of the way, but at the same time I want to write something good!!!!!
First off, quite possibly one of the greatest movies in the history of documented society is a movie called, Big Trouble in Little China!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! But I'm kinda serious!!!!!! Remeber that movie with Kurt Russell and some other obscure actors from the 80's that nobody remembers?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! OK, this is maybe my favorite line from BTILC, "This is Jack Burton in the Pork Chop Express, and I'm talkin' to whoever's listenin' out there." And you know what?!?!?!?!?!?! I identify with Jack Burton, driver of the Pork Chop Express!!!! Being that I don't like Chinese food and feel obligated for some reason to review Far East Cafe, I'm talkin' to whoever's listenin' out there!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Anyway, as I was in San Francisco, walking around to see the sites and take in the city, I came upon Chinatown and thought to myself, "This is where Wah Ching rolled in the 60's and did some damage!!!! And after harrassing tourists and stealing their wallets, they had to have been hungry and, hey, maybe they went to Far East Cafe to grab some cuisine from their homeland!!!!!!!!! Maybe Wah Ching did!!!!!! Who's to say they didn't?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Who?!?!?!?!?! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! A number of stolen credit cards had to have been used at this eating establishment over the years!!!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
OK, so as we were walking around Chinatown, we came across Far East Cafe and somebody we were with said they've been eating here for years!!!!! And I'm going to be honest with you, eating Chinese food in Chinatown was kind of appealing!!! I mean, you aren't gonna get no Mandarin Chicken from Panda Express in Chinatown, but rather you're going to get the real deal eating in Chinatown!!!!!! Maybe the closest to real Chinese food outside of China!!!!!! Oh, and you know what I just remembered right at this moment?!?!?!?!?!?! Bruce Lee lived in San Francisco!!!!!!!!!! Maybe he ate at Far East Cafe!!!!!!!!! Hell, maybe the rice from Far East Cafe fueled Bruce Lee during the filming of Enter the Dragon!!!!!!!! Although I think it was filmed in Hong Kong!!!!! But I can dream, right?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!I loved Enter the Dragon!!!!!!!! I loved that movie!!!!!!! "Fear, not anger!!!!!!" Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
OK, so on to the food at Far East Cafe!!! Like I said, I don't know much about Chinese food!!!! I don't even know what a lot of the stuff we ordered was called, but it was good!!!! I have no complaints about this food!!!! If you like Chinese and you're tooling around Chinatown in San Francisco, walking in the footsteps of Wah Ching, why not come to Far East Cafe and eat some Chinese food?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Why not?!?!?!?!?!?! From what I could gather, the food here is good and would rival anyplace in all of Chinatown!!!! Take a look at the pictures below and judge for yourself!!!!! In the immortal words of Jack Burton, "Okay. You people sit tight, hold the fort and keep the home fires burning. And if we're not back by dawn... call the president." I don't even know what that means or how it's relevant to this review, but I love that movie!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! OK, I'm done!!!!!!!!!

Fat Slice Pizza: Unparalleled Fodder!!!!!

2013-02-14T17:30:00.003-08:00

You know, I truly and utterly believe that I have found the meaning of life!!!! I believe I have!!!!! At least I've found what it is for me!!!!! And it doesn't have anything to do with what cooky fundamentalist Christians, earthy mystics who dance around a fire pit at 1am gazing at stars, or what mentally exhausted nihilists have to say about what the principles are which will guide one into alignment with the highest existential experience of bipedal homo-sapiens!!!!!!!! What is the meaning of life you might ask?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Well, if you've read past blog posts of mine then you actually might know what the meaning of life is, according to me!!!!! Not the Ancient Greeks, Stoics, Epicureans, Christians, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, Animists, nor smelly Berkeley girls who haven't shaved their armpits, used deodorant, or changed their clothes for weeks know what the meaning of life is!!!!!!! They have no idea!!!!!! And what is the answer to this hotly debated and deeply thought out question since the dawn of man you might ask?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? I say it's this: Eating a lot of really good tasting food, then getting drunk off of either craft beer, wine, or powerful cocktails!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! I laugh, but you know what?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I believe that statement!!!!!! And in this postmodern world we live in today, who's to say I'm wrong?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Then again, who am I to say that anybody else is wrong?!?!?!?!?! It's all relative, right?!?!?!?! Right?!?!?!?!?!?! Ahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! But you know what, look at the header of my blog!!! The verse from the book of Ecclesiastes pretty much is in agreement to what my answer is to the meaning of life!!!!! Eat good food and drink good drink!!!!! Hey, maybe the Christians and Jews do have the answer to the meaning of life!!!! And I guess the Epicureans were on to something too!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! I mean, there's just something about how when good food touches my lips and engages with the taste buds that just causes the priorities of my life to completely change!!!!!! Instead of wanting to connect with people and do a good turn daily, I'd rather just seek out the next intoxicating bite of cuisine that will cause me to go halfway insane, as well as carve out a good portion of my day to drink fine tasting booze with whatever that fine fodder is that swirls through my mouth!!!!!!!! Gotta leave some time to recover from my hangover, you know?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! And that's why I'll never ever get married or have children!!!!!!! NEVER!!!!!! Overeating and getting drunk is just too damned important when it comes to living a joyful and fulfilling life!!!!! Hey, and if you have kids and get married, you can no longer stuff your face with salty food and over imbibe on alcohol with the regularity or frequency that deep down every single human soul years for!!!!!! If you have kids and a wife you've got to share your time and money with them, and it's not cool watching your parents get hammered on the couch or at the dinner table every night!!! Believe me, I know!!!!! I wouldn't want to subject anybody to that!!!!! But, I really do feel like I have discovered the joy of this life and it's so simple, yet so beautiful!!!!!! One more time, what is the meaning of life?!?!?! It's good food and alcohol!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

OK, so over the summer I was watching women's water polo during the Olympics and I became a big admirer of female water polo players!!!! Those broad shoulders, tight Speedo swimsuits, and the physicality of those girls splashing around in the pool was so completely hot!!!!!! With that, I sent a tweet to one of the players on the USA women's water polo team for fun, and you know what?!?!?! She responded to me!!!!! After that I went to her Wikipedia page and saw that she went to school at UC Berkeley!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! Don't worry, I'm not an creeper!!!!!! But being that I was going to be in Berkeley, or at least near it, I sent her a tweet a few weeks later asking her for food recommendations near the campus in Berkeley!!!!! And she responded to me again!!!!!! How cool is that!?!?!?!?! She told me that Fat Slice Pizza on Telegraph was a go to when in Berkeley!!!!! Hey, other than Top Dog and Zachary's, I don't really know anything about the food scene in Berkeley!!!!!!! So getting a recommendation, especially from a bona fide US Olympic gold medalist, who happens to be pretty damned cute and went to school at Berkeley, was something I absolutely needed to follow up with!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! So I hopped on to the BART, got off on University in downtown Berkeley and walked up to Fat Slice to do some damage!!!!!!! It was like 11am when I walked through the doors and they were just pulling some freshly baked pies out of the ovens!!!!! Holy God!!! The smell of that freshly baked dough, fresh cheese, sauce, and spicy pepperoni just as it was coming out of the oven, smelled better than a bottle of Febreeze probably did to those people who've been stuck cruising on the Triumph for the past week!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! When I walked up to the counter, I wanted the full gamut of this mass of salty Italian pastry!!!!!!! With that, I think that maybe I've become a bit more refined when it comes to my pizza tasting!!!!! I've learned that a good pizza is in the sauce, crust, and cheese!!!! Whereas the toppings are important, it's all about the sauce, crust, and cheese!!!!!!! So, I just went with straight up cheese and straight up pepperoni, 2 slices each!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! When they gave me my slices I found a seat in the back room and there were a couple of homeless dudes grinding down slices of Fat Slice too!!!! Hey, if you're using the dope or booze money you panhandled for for hours to spend on this pie, you know it's special, right?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Right?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

When I picked up my first slice of pizza, it was so light and fluffy, yet it had a good denseness to it!!!! When the tip of that triangular shaped Italian plunder entered my mouth, the combination of that grease, cheese, sauce and bread was some of the most unparalleled tasting fodder I have ever experienced!!!!! Their cheese was so milky and gooey I swear to God I think they may have had a cow farm out back and the milk in their cheese came straight from the cow's udder like 10 minutes earlier!!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! Oh my God this pizza was heavenly and I absolutely fell in love with it!!!!!! Also, I started to develop feelings for the water polo player I had been tweeting, even though we've never met!!!!!! For her to recommend such a wonderful tasting pizza slice, speaks volumes to the beauty of her soul!!!!!!!! But she's an Olympic gold medalist!!!!! She would never go out with me, would she?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Now I'm sad!!!!!! But wait, relationships aren't the meaning of life, it's food and beer!!!!! I can just stuff my face and get drunk and the thought of being in a relationship will leave me immediately!!!!! What was I thinking?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Fat Slice Pizza is awesome pie!!!!! The Cal Berkeley frat guys and sorority girls have it made with fat slice as I'm sure this pizza hits the spot after a long night of slamming Nasty Light and Milwaukee's Beast!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Hey, when in Berkeley do this place!!!! It rivals some other place called Blondies, but don't bother going there!!!!! This pizza has everything you look for in a good pie!!!!!! Do this place and do it hard!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! I love you Fat Slice!!!!

Red's Java House: A Nice Place to Destroy Your Workout!!!!!

2013-02-12T12:20:00.000-08:00

I love Anthony Bourdain!!!! He hands down has the greatest job in the history of the civilized world!!!!! I mean, who in the hell else gets to travel first class all around the world, overeat every single day of the week, get sloshed on many varietals of booze each night and then write about it!!!!!!!! Oh wait, if you're a professional baseball player I guess each of those things kind of sums of your life too, right?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Right?!?!?!??!?!?!?!? Oh my God what a wonderful existence Bourdain and professional baseball players have!!!!! I hear baseball players get an all you can eat buffet in the clubhouse after each game with high quality food!!!!!! Plus they get like a $100 food stipend each day!!!!! Making it to the big leagues really is a dream come true!!!!!!!! Screw the money!!!! Forget the skanky groupies!!!!! Who cares about the glory of the roaring crowd chanting your name!!!!!!! But being able to eat that much good food on a regular basis is the true dream and the real reward of years of hard work in making it to the big leagues!!!!!!!! That's a fact!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! So anyway, I saw on No Reservations that when Bourdain was in San Francisco, he ate at a historic looking burger shanty right underneath the Bay Bridge on the San Francisco Bay Trail called Red's Java House!!!! Apparently Red's Java House has been in business for over 100 years and has served the long shore men, dock workers, junkies, and drunk cyclists for breakfast and lunch for the past century!!!!!! Celebrities have been frequenting Red's for years as well as there are myriad photos on the wall of all kinds of famous people who came to this historic eatery to stuff their faces with Reds' runny eggs and greasy burgers!!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! This is a destination spot for sure!!!!! But to be honest with you, the only reason I came to Red's was to continue to follow in the footsteps of Bourdain and eat as he ate and get drunk as he got drunk in San Francisco!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!
I think it was a Sunday afternoon when I walked in to Red's!!!!! As soon as you walk in, Red's has this old school vintage feel to it with a 40's or 50's decore!!!!!! You get the sense that very little has changed at Red's over the past century!!!!!!! But when you walk out back, there's a bar and patio where you can dine while outside and get your drink on while getting multiple whiffs of rotting fish and the petroleum infested waters of the San Francisco Bay!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
Anyway, when I walked up to the counter at Red's to place my order, I just went old school and ordered a cheeseburger, fries, and beer!!!!! I had stuffed my mouth full of sausages at the Ferry Building Market just before I came to Red's so I wasn't feeling the hunger like I had hoped!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! I took my number and found a seat by the bar where there was this busted, fuzzy pictured TV set with big black vertical line running through the picture!!!!!! As I was sitting at my table, sipping my beer, I noticed that the bar in the back of Red's was filled with tight short cyclists who probably just did like 25 miles through the hills of San Fran.!!!!!!! My thought was, "aren't you completely ruining your workout and all the calories you just burnt by doing shots of Jaeger and slamming burgers after your ride?!?!?!?!?!?!" But whatever!!!!! I guess you can justify anything you eat after a long ride if you're trying to keep up your girlish figure in check!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaha!!!!!
OK, so the food at Red's was average... Not bad, but not great. The burger and fries were pretty standard. Also, the bun is like a baguette and it's very hard and dry, which is a bad combination to have, especially for sex.... Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! OK OK, I'll clean it up!!!!! My point is, the burger was kind of difficult to eat with the bun being the way it was!!!!! However, the view of the Bay Bridge on the back patio is pretty amazing!!!! And, given the history of Red's Java House, its definitely a place one should visit while in the Bay Area!!!!! Oh, and if you wanted to booze with a bunch of drunk cyclists, then this is your place!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Do this place for sure!!!!!! Mad love, Reds!!!!! Mad love!!!!!!!!

Taqueria La Cumbre: The Power to Change Society!!!!

2012-12-17T11:25:00.003-08:00

It's been awhile since I've reviewed, but I'm back baby!!!!! Been busy and surprisingly sane for the past few months which has made it difficult to blog!!!! But here I am!!!!! I'm not gone!!!! I'm here!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! OK, so there's something I've discovered that is simply glorious!!!!!! A few weeks ago, my allergies flared up and I started taking antihistamines!!!!! On the back of the box it stated that taking antihistamines may increase your appetite!!!!! Hhhhhhhhuuuuuuuuuuuuuyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! I popped those little tablets into my mouth, and after a little bit of waiting, my stomach started to growl and my appetite became so significantly large, it would have made John Holmes jealous!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! I don't even know what that last sentence means!!!!! Also, somebody told me recently that Paxil and other anti-depressant medication will increase ones cravings for carbohydrates!!!!!!! So what did I do?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!? I made an appoitment with my doctor and told him I was feeling down and needed some Paxil!!!!!!!! Hey, with the cloudy weather and rain, it leaves me feeling blue, so my request to my doctor was completely and utterly legitimate!!!!! Completely and utterly!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! I've found that mixing antihistamines and anti-depressants makes you starving to death for like every single meal!!!!!! I can cram way more food down my throat with these magical little pills!!!!!! I love you Paxil and store brand anti-histimines!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! But, I digress!!!

So, I would like to continue to review the restaurants I visited while I was up in San Francisco!!!!!!! One of the places I really badly wanted to visit was a place in The Mission District called Taqueria La Cumbre!!!!! Why did I want to come here?!?!?!?!?!?! Well, the guy on Man vs. Food ate here and I've seen it on many food shows that visit the Bay Area!!!! When you visit a restaurant that you've seen on T.V. whether it be Rachel Ray, Anthony Bourdain, Guy Fieri, Samantha Brown, or Adam Richman, it's like seeing a celebrity in person at a movie premiere in West Los Angeles!!!!!! Anyway, everybody on T.V. who visited Taqueria La Cumbre would pretty much wet their pants in talking about how good the food was here!!!!! Now, I'm aware that there is a significant Latino community in San Francisco as well and many Mexican immigrants in the Bay Area, but c'mon, Southern California has the best Mexican Food outside of Mexico, right?!?!?!?!?! Right?!?!?!?!?!?! Needless to say, I decided I needed to visit Taqueria La Cumbre to see if the food here lived up to the hype!!!!!!!!!!
As I was walking down Valencia Street I came upon Taqueria La Cumbre and it was like seeing Bill Paxton in person on the set of Aliens!!!! "Why don't you just put her in charge?!?!?!?!" Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!! Anyway, I've gotta say that when I walked in to Taqueria La Cumbre I was already slanted in my opinion of Bay Area Mexican Food as LA, Orange County and San Diego are all closer to the Mexican border which automatically means that the Mexican Food down here is better and more authentic!!!!!!!! It's an automatic, baby!!!!!!!!!! However, in doing some research, The Mission is home to its own style of burrito that started back in the 60's known as the Mission Style Burrito or the San Francisco Burrito!!!!!! Apparentley Mission Burritos are distinct in that their size is larger than regular burritos, the flour tortilla is a bit "stretchier" and rice and beans are put inside!!! Though many burritos put rice and beans inside, apparentely San Francisco Burrito's are the originators of this culinary method!!!!!! Also, one of the reasons why Taqueria La Cumbre gets so much air time on TV is that it is believed to be the initial purveyor and creator of the Mission Style Burrito!!!!! OK, so when I walked through the doors of Taqueria La Cumbre and up to the counter, I peered over their menu and ended up going with a Deluxe Burrito filled with carne asada!!!!! I would've gotten more food but I had just eaten that massive torta at That's It Market which is just a few blocks away!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! The kitchen at Taqueria La Cumbre is open so you can see them grilling their meat and the vegetables are in an assembly line so you can put whatever you want on your burrito or tacos!!!!!! I told them to put everything on my Deluxe Burrito!!!!!! Everything!!!!!!!! Need they even ask?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! So when I got my foil wrapped burrito, I took a seat in the corner, unwrapped my San Francisco style burrito, and g-dammit I went to town!!!!!!! Now remember, I was prejudiced against this burrito before I even took a bite!!!!! How can it be better than So. Cal. Mexican food?!?!?!?!?!?!?! How?!?!?!?!?!?! It can't be!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yet, when I sunk my teeth in to that spongy flour tortilla, and as their carne asada, black beans, rice, cheese and salsa passed through my incisors and molars and onto my palette, I became a convert to Mission Style burritos quicker than St. Paul became a convert to Christianity while walking on the road to Damascus!!!!!!!! I mean, good God this burrito was tasty!!!!!!!! I will say that the carne asada is what made this burrito so palatable!!!!!! Whatever marinade or spices or cut of meat they use for this burrito makes this deceased animal flesh some of the best tasting I have ever had in my life!!!!! I swear to Chr*st I'm not exagerrating!!!!!!! I'm not!!!!!!!!! This very well may have been the best burrito I have ever encountered in the entirety of my life!!!!!! And that's saying something because I was prejudiced walking in to this joint!!!!!!!!! Me loving this burrito the way I did the moment it passed through my lips would be like the equivalent of James Earl Ray becoming a civil rights activist the moment he heard the "I Have a Dream" speech!!!!!!!! That's the social change that this burrito can bring about!!!!!!!! Not even joking!!!!!! Not even joking!!!!!!!! Like I said before, I was already kind of full when I walked in to Taqueria La Cumbre, but with these flavors being what they were, I pushed through the pain and put every last bite of that tortilla filled goodness down my pie hole!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
Also, the Deluxe Burrito came with tortilla chips, but they weren't that good. They were kind of dry and forgettable!!!!! But when in SF, Oakland, or even down in San Jose, you've gotta find a way to get up to the Mission and sample the burritos at Taqueria La Cumbre!!!!! My high school football coach used to look at each of us in the eye before our games in the locker and proclaim to us, "find a way to win today!" Well, when it comes to this food, "find a way to eat it!" Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! Do this place!!!!!! It has the power to change society!!!! San Francisco becoming a bastion of gay civil rights makes total and complete sense to me now!!!!!!! It was because of the San Francisco burritos at Taqueria La Cumbre!!!!! Harvey Milk was a good man, and I would venture to say the main motivator that pushed him over the top to lead the gay community were the burritos at Taqueria La Cumbre!!!!! The Mission is not that far from the Castro!!!!!! Harvey Milk's apartment is walking distance!!!!! I believe Harvey Milk ate here on more than one occasion!!!!! I have zero evidence to support this, but I believe it with all of my heart!!!!!!!!!! Eat at Taqueria La Cumbre!!!!!!!! Your life and the world we inhabit will be better for it!!!!!!!!

That's It Market: Who'd Have Thought Good Food Could Be Had At A Liquor Store?!?!?!

2012-10-09T11:45:00.002-07:00

So, I still have like four more Bay Area restaurant reviews to do, but sometimes it's hard to muster up the emotional energy and blog about good food I have eaten!!!!!! Just to give you a little bit of insight into my unstable mind, I can't simply sit down whenever I want and crank out a review!!!!! I have to be in the zone!!! I need to feel irrational and be filled with passion and ridiculousness to write in the style that encapsulates who I am and best represents all that entails Eat Like a Champion!!!!!! Hence, that's why a few weeks may go by in between reviews!!!! Believe it or not I have moments of sanity and when looking at my reviews I actually get a little embarassed and can't believe I actually write some of the crap I do!!!! But, I feel like blogging today and am a little punchy!!! So here it comes baby!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
OK, I'm continuing to write about my eating adventures from when I went to San Francisco a few weeks back!!!! Before I hopped on the plane to fly up to Oakland and take the BART over to Powell St., I went on to YouTube and watched the episode of No Reservations with Anthony Bourdaine where he went to San Francisco!!!!! In watching Bourdain tool around SF, some of the places he went were definetely off the beaten path and looked like places I would love to visit while up there!!!! When the SF episode had originally aired a few years back, I remember watching and taking notes of food dwellings I would visit the next time I was up that way!!! One of the places that I noted and had wanted to visit for quite some time was a liquor store in The Mission District called That's It Market!!!!! Yes, a liquor store!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Every now and then I'll drive by a liquor store and see that there's a deli inside or that they bake pizza's onsite, but there's something very unsanitary and grimy about eating food prepared inside of a liquor store in my opinion!!! I don't ever buy groceries at a liquor store, nor do even buy booze there!!!! Liquor Store's are very unkempt and filthy in my experience and the thought of consuming any product that is sold from one of these alcohol distributing establishments instantly makes me want to gag and dry heave!!!!!! Seriously!!!!! I think it has something to do with the clientele liquor stores tend to cater to!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! But being that some SF food writer took Bourdain to That's It Market for his show, I figured I could bite the bullet due to the fact that this place might be an exception and put out some pretty dignified caloric goodness!!!!!
What was it that brought Anthony Bourdain to That's It Market in The Mission?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Something called the Cubana, which according to That's It Market is the largest torta in the world!!!!!!!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! When I saw Bourdain on TV sitting at the counter, stuffing a Cubano into his face while sucking back a tallboy of Tecate, I knew that this was an experience that I had to live out for myself!!!!!!!!! Before I went down to The Mission District, I asked a bell hop at the hotel I was staying in if The Mission was a safe enough part of town!! He responded by telling me, "It's not that safe. If I were you, I would go down there with somebody. I wouldn't go alone." Hmmmmmmmmm this was going to be tricky!!!! I needed a Cubana and I couldn't talk anybody I was with to go down there with me!!!!!! If I had to risk getting jumped or mugged for all of my cash in the The Mission, then so be it!!!!! I don't care!!!!!! The Cubano was a sandwich I would walk through a g-damn war zone for just to be able to cross it off of my bucket list!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! When I hopped on the BART and made it down to The Mission and emerged from the underground tunnel, I didn't look to me like The Mission was a bad neighborhood at all!!!! Never at one point did I feel the least bit unsafe there!!! It's like Broadway in downtown LA, but a little nicer!!!! That bell-hop didn't know what he was talking about!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
Anyway, when I came to That's It Market and walked inside, it was a typical trashy liquor store that I usually avoid with the bums loitering outside the front door, expired food sitting on the shelves, and a wide array of porn mags on display behind the counter!!!!! However, when I walked over to the grill on the right, the woman who was working it and cooking the beautiful looking sandwiches for the The Mission locals was incredibly friendly and welcoming!!!!!!!! I looked over their menu for a moment, but I knew what I came for and what I wanted!!!!! The largest torta in the world, please: The Cubano!!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! When I ordered my Cubana, the nice lady simply nodded her head!!! I then took a step back and just watched the magic happen on the grill!!!!! Beef, sausage, ham, pork leg, chorizo, hot dog, eggs, cheese, mayo, jalapeno, tomato, avacado, on a massive bun of bread!!!!!!!! I walked over to one of the coolers and grabbed my Tecate to have the exact same experience as Bourdain, but they told me I couldn't drink in the store. Bummer!! That's fine!
When my Cubana was finished and served to me on a plate, it was abslotely colossal!!! Like, one of the biggest sandwiches I have ever seen!!!!! And it was filled with such marvelous looking greasy fatty Mexican food beauty!!!!!!!!! I remember just before Bourdain took his first bite into his Cubana, he stated, "I'm going to hate myself later for this!" Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahhahaha!!!! When I picked up my Cubana and looked at the cross section of it and saw all of the different high caloried greasy protein resting against the bread, I said the exact same thing as Bourdain, "I'm gonna hate myself later on!" Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! And though I may have hated myself later on, which I wll spare you the details of, I didn't hate myself at the moment that first bite of Cubana entered into my mouth and passed through my teeth!!!!!! In fact, I was loving myself and thrilled to death that I had made the decision to come to The Mission and eat lunch in a dirty sketchy looking liquor store!!!!!! This torta was staggeringly good!!!!!!!! All of the different pork and beef products combined with the mayo and avocado and bread made for one of the most unforgettable and lustrous eating experiences in my entire existence!!!!!! Holy God!!!!!!! Though in San Francisco there are countless eating options, the Cubana at That's It Market in The Mission is a place that is worth planning an entire vacation to San Francisco around!!!! Forget Alcatraz, forget Chinatown, forget Fisherman's Wharf, the Presidio, the Golden Gate or going across the Bay!!!!!! The complete focus of your vacation when you go to San Francisco should be That's it Market in The Mission!!!!! This torta will send you into a different reality and has the potential for your entire paradigm to completely shift!!!!! Why would that happen after eating this sandwich?!?!?!?!?! I don't know!!!!!!! But it's so good tasting, a whole new life experience and reality will be opened up to you like never before!!!! More than LSD, weed, or ecstasy could ever dream of doing!!!!!!!! Swear to God!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
When in SF, you absolutely have to eat the Cubana at That's It Market in The Mission!!!! You owe it to yourself and to the dignity of your family name to do so!!!!!!!!!! Sure, later on in the day you'll regret eating it, but in the long run, The Cubana will change your life for the better!!!! Thank you Anthony Bourdain for bringing this torta to our attention!!!! You have done more for humanity than any Nobel Peace Prize winner could ever do!!!!!!! Totally serious!!!!!!!!! Do this place and do it hard!!!!!!!!!!! Cubana!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

Cafe Zoetrope: Smells Like.... Victory!!!!

2012-09-19T12:48:00.003-07:00

Recently, I spent a long weekend up in San Francisco!!!!! I love San Francisco!!!!!! The vibe, the intellectual feel, the preserved history!!!!!! The Bay Area is truly a treasure here in the USA!!!! Upon walking the streets of North Beach, Union Square, the Mission, the Financial District and Berkeley, I discovered that San Francisco is quite possibly one of the most astonishingly great eating cities in the entire world!!!!! For real!!!!!Every single street I walked down, there were numerous restaurants that looked as though they had so much character, like they had been around for years and had been through so much of the history that encapsulates everything that is San Francisco!!!!!! And that's not to mention that these restaurants were discharging some of the most succulent smelling food aroma's that I had ever encountered in my entire life!!!! Wow!!!!!! I mean, San Francisco!!!!!!!! What an incredible eating utopia!!!!!! Though it's known for its large population of red commie bastards, inordinant political correctness, and over the top socially conscious activists and hippies, San Francisco without a g-damn doubt puts out some of the most beautiful tasting, fat filled, over-indulgent comfort food that any one person on the entire planet earth could ever know!!!!!! ..... EVER!!!!!! I know in the past I have said the same thing about Chicago, but I feel a calling, as though Destiny is speaking directly to me, even as I type these words, to move to the Bay Area and do nothing but eat!!!!!!!! With all the amazing tasting food, and never ending restaurant selections, a mind and stomach like my own could have free reign and I could reach my full potential in life!!!! Simply stated, there would never be a purer joy experienced in life than becoming an expert on the San Francisco eating scene!!!! That term 'purer joy' ain't no exaggeration either!!!!! I completely and fully mean that!!!!!! There would be no purer joy than to sulk and bathe in the San Francisco eating scene for the rest of my g-damn days, sampling everything on each menu, writing food reviews, all the while gaining hundreds of pounds and getting drunk out of my mind!!!!! It's probably worth the health hazards!!!!!!!! I don't care!!!! Talk about making the most out of ones life, that's what life is all about right there, right?!?!?!?!?!?! Right?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! With that, the next number of reviews I blog, will all be Bay Area restaurants!!!!!!!! I mean going to as many restaurants as you can in just a few days and then overreating at each of them so as to write an honest and thoughtful review isn't that easy!!!!!!!! I seriously must've gained about 10 pounds while in SF and for the past few days have been emitting some of the most toxic gas from my ass that I ever have!!!!!! It smells like a g-damn skunk died in my bedroom!!!! My body is freaking out with all of this food that was stuffed into my stomach day after day while up there!!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

So, I went up to San Francisco because I have some family up that way, and I needed to get away from my bickering and bitter wife for a few days!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Note to all of you single people out there who have never been married but would like to some day: The person you marry on your wedding day, will not be the same person five years later!!! And that goes for both people involved!!!!!! Be ready to make adjustments, be willing to compromise, apologize frequently (mainly if your the man), and wake up each morning and make the decision to commit to your spouse and to love them!!!!! I believe it was Stephen Stills who said it best: "If you can't be with the one you love, honey, love the one your with!" Stephen Stills is absolutely correct!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, upon getting off of the plane the first place I was taken while in San Francisco was a place called Cafe Zoetrope in the Nob Hill neighborhood!!!!!! Cafe Zoetrope is located in an amazing looking greenish colored building which I was told was one of the few structures that was around during the great San Francisco quake of 1906 which didn't collapse!!!!!!!! Plus, I have seen this building many times in pictures and postcards, but had no idea that it was Cafe Zoetrope!!!!!!! Also, the building, and Cafe Zoetrope itself is owned by acclaimed movie director, Francis Ford Coppola!!!!!! Cool!!!! Upon walking in to Cafe Zoetrope there are many pictures on the wall of famous scenes and actors from Coppola's films, plus there are pictures of Coppola with Spielberg, Scorcese, and George Lucas just to name a few!!!!! One guy who I struck up a converstaion with at the bar, which happened to be pouring none other than Francis Ford Coppola Zinfandel and Chardonnay, told me that it was in this very building that The Godfather was edited by Coppola and that Lucas conceived Star Wars!!!!! Wow!!!!! What a place of cinematic significance!!!!!! I had no idea I was walking into living history!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!

OK, on to the food!!!!!!! First off, I gotta say that I'm not used to eating food that is this finely prepared and carries the sophistication of flavors that the Italian fare Cafe Zoetrope does!!!!!! Hell, I just ate five burgers from Red Robin a few weeks back for Christ's sake!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! But all of this Italian food was amazing and unforgettable!!!!! The first thing they brought out to us was a Caesar Salad along with a salad of romaine lettuce and shrimp!!!!!! The sweet vinegar based dressing as well as the freshness of the produce and shrimp were absolutely divine!!!! I'm not a salad guy and seek to avoid it at all costs, but this salad was surreal tasting!!!!!! Excellent flavors!!! Next, they brought out these green beans with hazelnuts shaved over them!!!! Again, I don't like to eat things that are green, unless it's jalapeno's on pizza or lettuce on burgers, but these green beans were so phenomenal tasting as they entered into my mouth and met my palette!!!! I went back to the family style bowl these beans were served in and kept shoveling scoop after scoop and put it on to my plate!!!!!!! I mean, I couldn't stop eating these green beans!!!! So flavorful and such good balance between the salty beans and sweet hazelnuts!!!!! After the beans, they brought us out some of their pizza!!!!! Lets just say that this isn't your typical neighborhood pizzeria!!!!! This dough, sauce and cheese was honestly of some of the highest quality I have ever eaten in all of my years of living!!!!! I could've disposed of this pizza into my mouth all g-damn night and never ever have gotten full!!!!!! The flavors were that good!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Next out was this spinach pie as well as a mushroom and cheese pie!!!! Good God!!!!! Everything about these pies caused me to question every decision I have ever made in life from the college major I chose to the career choice I made!!!! Maybe I should have pursued a job that payed me more money, that I might have been unhappy in, but could have then afforded to eat food that is of a higher caliber and has more complexity in flavors than what I grew up on and am used to!!!!!!!! It might be worth it to do something for a living you hate and are miserable with for the rest of your life so as to be able to afford fine tasting food!!!!!!!!! It's a good tradeoff!!!! I really am coming to believe that!!!! Food is that important and life fulfilling!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Wow!!!!! The crust on these pies were so tender, and the spinach, and mushrooms and cheese were so savory I might've believed that at that moment I had reached the pinnacle of human existence!!!!! Oh my God!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Following these pies, the waiters plopped down on our table this chicken with green olives that was one of the most succulent, moist, and flavorful pieces of meat I have ever sampled in my life!!!!!!!!!! Holy God, this chicken fell off the bone the exact moment it touched my lips!!!!!!!!!! It was that tender and good!!!!!! As my stomach started to fill up and as I started to feel like that guy at the beginning of the movie Se7en who eats himself to death, they capped off our meal by giving us this huge bowl of pasta with pesto sauce as well as a huge bowl of a sausage and fennel pasta that was so g-damn gratifying to eat, that I began to believe that Coppola had made a good decision in making The Godfather Part 3!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! That movie was so bad, but after eating this pasta, it probably should've won the Academy Award for best picture!!!!! Not even joking!!!!! Not even joking!!!!!!! The food and Cafe Zoetrope has the power and ability to change your long held reasonable opinions on film!!!!!!!! Godfather 3 was a masterpiece!!!!!!!! A masterpiece I say!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Needless to say, the food at Cafe Zoetrope was spectacular!!!!!!! Coppola is a genius, not only as a film and wine maker, but as the owner of this substinence providing Italian eatery in Nob Hill!!!!!!! When in Nob Hill, do this place!!!! Don't hold back!!!!! Hell, maybe you'll see Coppola in their as there's a private booth in the corner that is his, and which he comes in to eat at and write!!!!!! Be sure to overreat and get drunk off of Coppola's wine!!!!!! That's how you do it right there!!!!!!!! I love Cafe Zoetrope and give it a resounding thumbs up!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Charlie don't surf!!!!!!!!

Stout Burgers & Beers: Heaven on Earth!!!!!

2012-09-10T12:08:00.001-07:00

A few years back I came across a book called The Game by Rolling Stone journalist Neil Strauss!!!! In The Game, Strauss chronicles how he transformed himself from a nerdy, insecure reject, into a confident sauve pick-up artist able to hook up with any woman he desired!!!! He learned his 'game' from a a master pick-up artist by the name of Mystery who was the host of that show on VH-1 a few years back called The Pick-Up Artist!!!!! Is what Neil Strauss writes in his book for real?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I mean, is some of it exaggerated?!?!?!?!?!?! At first I thought so, but after talking to some people and doing some of my own research on YouTube, I think everything Strauss wrote in his book is accurate and true!!!!!!!! Talk about the Holy Grail of life!!!!! Having routines down, the confidence, and gambits to help in picking up even the hottest of women is honestly like a dream or fantasy coming to reality!!!!!!! Soon, I will be single and have made a vow that I will never ever get married again and devote myself to becoming like Neil Strauss and Mystery, picking up women in everyday life!!!!!!!!! Plus, my true love in life is food and beer!!!!!! No woman could ever come remotely close to giving me the feeling that good food and strong beer gives me!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Don't worry, I would never do anything dishonest or disrespectful to women, but to be able to attract just about any woman is the most significant gift any one person can have in this life!!!!!! It's like having a g-damn superpower like the Flash or the Green Lantern!!!!!!!! But I would choose Strauss's ability or superpower over any super-hero's power in either Marvel or the DC comics!!!!!!!! And this power that Strauss has isn't a fantasy, it's real!!!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
Why am I talking about this?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Well, recently I drove a friend up to LAX and instead of dealing with traffic on the 405, I decided to spend a few hours up in Hollywood and take a Neil Strauss reality tour!!!!! Hell, I've lived in Southern California my entire life and have spent hardly any time in Hollywood!!!!! So, I became a tourist for an afternoon and walked around to see the sights of Hollywood!!!! The Kodak Theater, Mann's Chinese Theater, Chateau Marmont, The Sunset Strip, The Scientology building (even though they kicked me out), and the Roosevelt Hotel!!!! Finally I was able to take some time and visit these places!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Though, Stout Burgers & Beers has nothing to do with Neil Strauss or The Game, I have been learning that quite possibly the greatest burgers in all of the USA exist in none other than Los Angeles!!!!!!! Chicago and New York have their hot dogs and pizza, Philadelphia has their cheesesteaks, Texas has their barbecue, San Francisco and Boston have their clam chowder, and oh yes indeed, Los Angeles has their burgers!!!!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! And being that Hollywood is the stomping ground of Strauss and home to many chic bars and clubs where Mystery and Strauss would run their game, it reminded me of him when I decided to turn right on Cahuenga and sample the fine beef product that reside at Stout Burgers & Beers!!!!!
When I parked my car and began walking down Cahuenga, I was struck by all the weirdo's walking around!!!! And I'm not talking about the drug addicts and cross dressers everywhere I looked!!!! But I'm talking about the goth, emo's, wannabe actors and gay people with small town values who come to Hollywood because the town they are from in the South or Midwest wouldn't accept them!!!!!!! Hey, that's cool!!!! You've got to do what you've gotta do, right?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Right?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Anyway, when I walked up to Stout Burgers & Beers, I was initially struck by the awesome layout!!!! They have these very large glass doors that can open, so though you're inside it kind of feels like your outside!!!!! Also, the bar has this wood pannelling which makes for a rustic looking design that is totally bitchin' looking!!!!!! Their sign on the outside says they're open until 4am which means when the clubs close at 2am, the Neil Strauss and Mystery wannabe's can come to Stout and run their game in hopes of picking up some skanky, inebriated chick from Texas who's willing to experiment with the Godless values that make up Hollywood, California!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaha!!! Although losing one's innocence isn't that funny!!!!!!
OK, so Stout Burgers & Beers prides themselves on their fine tasting burgers as well as pairing their ground beef sandwiches with a finely hand-crafted beer!!!!! Hey, craft beer and burgers!!!!!! Is there anything better?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?! I think not!!!!! This place was perfect for me!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! I wasn't sure what to order so I went with a Stout Burger which has on it blue cheese, roasted tomatoes, rosemary bacon, caramelized onions, and emi gruyere (whatever the hell that is), as well as an order of their fries!!!! Oh, and at Stout Burgers & Beers you must pair your burger with a craft beer!!!!!! I mean, you don't have to, but it's all part of getting the most out your experience there!!!!!!!! They have a wonderful selection of craft beer and their selection of craft beers tells you that they know what the hell they'd doing and talking about when it comes to pairing your burger with a good craft brew!!!!!!!! I went for a Mama's Little Yellow Pilsner brewed by Oskar Blues and it is a fabulous tasting beer!!!!! It was 11am when I ordered this beer too, but again, when at Stout, you've got to have beer!!!!!!! I hardly ever do it, but beer in the morning is brilliant, just brilliant I say!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
When the hip tatooed guy working the bar brought out my burger and fries it looked like a g-damn work of art!!!!!!! It looked beautiful and I was hesitant to dig in as I didn't want to ruin what looked to be a dazzling food sculpture!!!!! It would've been like vandalizing the statue of David in Rome!!!!!! But I had to do it!!!!!!!!!! I had to!! The Stout Burger just looked and smelled way too damn good!!!!!!!!! But before I would gorge on this burg, I decided to sample their fries!!!!!! The fries came out in what seemed like a cereal bowl and they were sprinkled with a rosemary seasoning!!!!!!!! Let me just say that these fries were amazing as I ingested them into my system!!!!!!! As I chewed and swallowed it brought back memories of a girl I had a short fling with in college!!!!! As we would make love she would tell me that I was "amazing!" And as I ate these deep fried rosemary potato slices, I just kept thinking of her telling me I was "amazing" because these fries were amazing to me!!!!!! I know I know, a gentleman never tells, and I'm not giving out any details!!!!! But these fries were orgasmic!!!!! Not even joking!!!!! Not even joking!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
After I had a good sampling of fries, and after I stepped outside to smoke a cigarette, I walked back inside and tackled the Stout Burger!!!!!! OK, in my opinion I have experienced some of the finest burgers in the world!!!!! Cherry Cricket in Denver, Burger Bar in Las Vegas, Slaters 50/50 in Anaheim, but honestly, this might be the single greatest burger I have ever had!!!!!!!! Not saying that it absolutely is, but it is right up there!!!!!!! Whatever part of the cow they used and whatever seasoning they used on the beef, and whatever horseradish, bacon, and blue-cheese they used to make this burger, made it hands down one of the most profound eating experiences of my entire life!!!!!!!! With each bite I took, beef juice and horseradish would slop down on to my plate which caused me to smear my burger into my plate before moving on to another bite!!!!!! Like the short fling I had in college with that girl, I didn't want my time at Stout Burgers and Beers to end!!!!! This was hands down one of the most fulfilling and satisfying moments of my life!!!!! Not the day I graduated from college or the night when I was in love with my wife and proposed to her, could compare to the feeling of absolute completion and contentment that I felt while eating the Stout Burger at Stout Burgers & Beers in Hollywood!!!!!! Oh my God!!!!!! I have never in my life experienced a culinary creation like the Stout Burger nor do I believe I ever will again!!!!!!! Am I overreacting?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Do I sound insane?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Well, if you were to experience the food at Stout Burgers & Beers you would know what the hell I'm talking about!!!! Hollywood is about a 90 minute drive for me, but you know what?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I would get in my car and blow a half a tank of gas and the entirety of my day just to devour a burger, fries, and beer from Stout!!!!!!! I believe it was Belinda Carlyle or Debbie Gibson who sang that song that went "ooooohhhhhhh Heaven is a place on earth!" Remember that song?!?!?!?!?! Well, no doubt she absolutely had to have been referring to Stout Burgers & Beers because this place is Heaven on Earth!!!!!! If you come here, you will feel no pain, you will cry no tears, you will experience no war or injustice because at Stout Burgers and Beers, all is right with the world!!!!! That's the power of the burgers and fries at Stout Burges & Beers!!!!! That the power of it!!!!!! The Fountain of Youth, A Genie Bottle with three wishes, being able to pick-up any woman you want like Neil Strauss, and.... Stout Burgers and Beers!!!! Yes yes yes yes yes yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whenever in Hollywood, do this place!!!!!!! But beware, you will never experience anything better!!!! Never ever!!!!! I love you Stout Burger!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahaahahahahahaahahaha!!!!

Islands Fine Burgers & Drinks: Island Style, Brah!!!!

2012-09-04T13:39:00.002-07:00

For whatever reason, I've been on a real corporate restaurant kick lately!!!! I usually don't go corporate with my eating, but recently I've had a rebirth of sorts when it comes to my appreciation of multi-location chain eateries!!!! "You are witnesses of the re-birth of Spinal Tap!!!! Hope you enjoy our new direction!!!!" Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Has anybody seen that movie?!?!?!?!?!?! Come at me if you have!!!!!!! So classic!!!!!!!!
So, I had a day off recently and just needed some time away to be by myself and eat a lot of food and drink a lot of beer!!!! I mean, what else do you do if you have a day off from work and nothing to do?!?!?!?!?! You overeat and get drunk, right?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Right?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!
With my recent infatuation with corporate burger places, there is an Islands on Tustin Ave. that I drive by all the time but have never actually been to!!!! I've been to the Islands in Irvine when I worked close by there a few years back and I used to meet some friends at the Islands in Laguna Hills a long long time ago, but that one has since closed down!!!
Anyway, with a day to kill and with the need to stuff my mouth full of greasy nourishment and multiple malted hops beverages, my plan was to hit Islands on Tustin Ave. just as happy hour was starting so I could get beer and appetizers on the cheap and experience fulfillment, satisfaction, and euphoria that nothing else in this life can bring!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
But, happy hour doesn't start until 4pm at Islands, so I had some time to waste!!!!! What to do?!?!?!?!?!?!?! How about going into the air conditioned dollar theater at the Main Place Mall?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Does that make me weird?!?!?!?!?!?! Going to the movies in the middle of the day all by myself?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Whatever, I don't care!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! OK, so this is why I hate going to the movies!!! When I walked into the the theater, it was practically empty!!!! Great, I've got the whole theater to myself so I can enjoy the film with no distractions!!!! But just as the lights were going down, some douche bag walks into the theater and sits down directly in front of me!!!!!! Dude, we're sitting in an empty g-damn theater full of many good seats and you have to sit down right in front of me?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Dammit that was annoying!!!!!! And on top of that the guy kept taking out his cell phone and checking his e-mails and text messages during the movie!!!!!! Note to movie-goers: When you take your cell phone out and start playing with it in a dark theater in the middle of a movie, it's a massive distraction for those sitting behind you and beside you!!!!!!! There are people in the world who exist other than you!!!!!!!! What the hell is with people and their lack of common courtesy?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Eventually, I got up and moved to a different part of the theater!!!!!! But let me just say that I am not a proponent of government sanctioned killings!!!!!! However, if you bring a screaming baby into a movie theater, if you talk during a movie, or if you take out your cell phone to text or take a call in the middle of a movie, you effing deserve the death penalty!!!!!!!!!!! If you do any of those things, our government should take you out into the middle of the street and shoot you in a firing line for all the public to see!!!!!! Old school public execution style!!!!! I swear to Christ I'm not exaggerating and would wholeheartedly support legislation to punish rude a-holes who lack common courtesy and fail to acknowledge the existence of others at movie theaters!!!!!!!!! Shesus that's irritating!!!!!!!
OK, sorry for the negativity!!!!! When the movie was over it was 4pm and it was the happiest hour of the day at Islands Fine Burgers and Drinks!!!!!!!!!! Hhhhhhhuuuuuuuyyyyyyeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! I walked in to Islands and took a seat at the bar!!!!! The first thing I noticed about Islands is that they have a fantastic atmosphere!!!!! The whole place is decorated Island style and has the feel of a beach bar, like you're walking up from the sand after a long surfing session and need to throw back a few beers!!!!!!!!! Also, the way they configure their TV's in the bar is great!!!!! They have 3 large flat screen TV's all right next to each other in a U-shape that follows the pattern of the bar, so whatever part of the U-shaped bar you are sitting on, you have a large flat screen right in front of you so it's ideal for watching sports while sucking back beer and food!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! After my bad experience at the theater earlier, I desparately needed some high powered endorphins to flow through my brain to cheer me up and help me forget about what had just happened!!!!! And what better way to do that than by eating and drinking a tremendous amount of food and beer!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
My first order of business: Beer!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahaha!!!! It was hot and muggy and a lighter tasting ice-cold lager sounded brilliant!!!!! The beer of choice for the day was an Islands Golden Lager!!!! This was a medium bodied pale lager with some hints of fruit!!!!! This beer was ice-cold and was so good tasting!!!!! The bartender mentioned to me that Karl Strauss does the brewing of Islands beers!!!!!! Such a good beer and I will return to Islands just to drink that golden colored lager!!!!!! So with a pint of beer in my empty belly, the alcohol was making me dizzy and my stomach started to shake like a 7.9 magnitude earthquake in the Phillipines!!!!!!! Hey, God bless the people of the Phillipines!! Our thoughts and prayers are with you!!!!!
To satisfy my booze induced hunger, I started off with Spinach Artichoke Dip, Beachside Sliders, and Tiki Tenders which are chicken strips!!!!!! All of these appetizers were nothing short of amazing!!!! The Spinach Artichoke Dip was hot, moist, and rich and had the ability to make me understand why Tweekers have difficulty getting clean!!!! When something makes you feel that good and brings that much pleasure to your body, you don't ever ever want to let it go!!!!!! This Spinach Artichoke Dip was so good that I am now a sympathizer of drug addicts!!!!!!! Wow!!!!! I know why you guys cant stop using!!!!!! I get it!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahashahaha!!!! Though drug addiction is no laughing matter...
Next were the Beachside Sliders!!!!! OK, no joke, maybe the best sliders I have ever had... EVER!!!!!!! Unbelievable!!!!! The buns on these things were toasted to perfection and the carmelized onions as well as the melted cheese and beef doused in ketchup made me want to curl up in a little ball and never ever leave Islands Fine Burgers and Drinks!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! To finish off my appetizer time, were the Tiki Tenders!!!!! These were fine!!! Nothing special, but good nonetheless!!!!! They had a nice crispiness and spice to them which made them go great with the beer!!!!
After appetizers I was ready for the main course, or should I say main courses!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!
Islands is known for their burgers, so, I went with three burgers off of their menu!!!!!!! I would've had more but I had three pretty hearty appetizers!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! The burgers I went with were the Kilauea Burger, Hula Burger, and the Bluenami!!!! Just before I placed my order of three burgers the nice lady behind the bar thought I was going to leave as she was getting my check ready, but NO!!!!! I was only getting started!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! When I asked her for those three burgs, she just kind of looked at me with a blank stare for a few moments and then said, "OK." The first burg I had was the Kilauea!!!! This had on it jalapeno's, pepper jack cheese, and a spicy chipotle mayo along with lettuce tomato and onions!!!! The Kilauea is a phenomenal burger!!! It was pretty damn spicy though, I'm not going to lie!!!!! Very juicy and full of flavor!!!! An excellent burg!!!! Second was the Hula Burger!!!! The Hula had on it mushrooms, swiss, lettuce and tomato's!!!!! This was probably my favorite burger at Islands!!! When I took that first bite into the Hula, the flavors that met my tongue were so pleasing that I proceeded to devour this burger like a pelican sitting on the rail at Huntington Beach Pier devours a fish!!!!!! Like, they just put the fish in their long beaks and swallow the damn thing whole!!!!!! That was me eating the Hula!!!!! It was so g-damn good that I finished it off in like three bites!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! At this point in my meal, I started to hit the dreaded food wall and was worried that I wouldn't be able to finish off the last burger of the day, the Bluenami!!!!! I needed an injection of Ghrelin into my system to complete my Islands experience!!!!! More Ghrelin!!!!! More Ghrelin I say!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! For the Bluenami, I was going to have to push through the pain, but in the end it would prove to be well worth it!!!!!!!! The Bluenami had on it Blue Cheese as well as lettuce, tomato, and onion!!! Again, this was a fabulous burger!!!! The meat was so juicy and tender and to combine that with the blue cheese on it made pushing myself to finish this meal a painless conclusion to my journey!!!!!!! When I had polished off the last bite of the Bluenami and pushed the empty basket away from me, the bartender came over to me with a look of disbelief on her face and said, "I've never seen anybody eat that much food before!" YEAH!!!!!!!! Success!!!!!! She then nervously asked me, "Do you want anything else?"
"Well, being that you've asked," I said, "How about a chocolate milkshake to wash it all down!"
"Wow!" she exclaimed! "I've never seen anybody consume so much in one sitting!!"
"Thank you," I replied... Why the hell do the last five sentences of this review read like a book?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
Anyway, the real end of the journey was capped off with an Islands Chocolate Shake!!!! This shake was so rich and so creamy that it's not even fair!!! Is there any justice in the world?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! No!!!!!! After slurping up this shake, I thought to myself, "It's not fair!!!!!! This is so g-damn good that it isn't even fair!!!!!! Not even!!!!!!" Quite possibly the best milkshake I have ever had in all my time here on planet earth!!!!! Wow!!!!! Oh, and the fries are OK... Not the best I've ever had but OK.
In conclusion, I would wholeheartedly recommend Islands Fine Burgers and Drinks!!!! The saying 'all things in moderation' does not seem to apply to me!!!! I've yet to experience the benefits of moderation!!!! Or subconsciously, I just don't believe in moderation!!!! We'll go with the latter!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! When it comes to Islands Fine Burgers and Drinks, Chris Farley said it best in the movie Black Sheep when he was stoned on the stage with Mudhoney when he screamed, "You've got yourself some kick as* sh*t!!!" Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Eat hard, or don't eat at all!!!!!! I love you Islands!!!!!!!

Red Robin: A Corporate Burger Has Never Been This Good!!!!

2012-08-19T13:38:00.002-07:00

I don't have a lot of people who read this blog, but I look at the stats every once in awhile and see that there are some people who check this site out!!! Hey, if you're the guy from Sweden, come at me!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! I honestly don't care that hardly anybody reads my blog!!!! I'm fine with it!!!!! In the words of Ivan Drago from Rocky IV, I do this blog for me.... For Me!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! It's more of a creative outlet and an escape from my marriage that will soon end!!!!! And I'm sad about that!!!!!! But look, there is something very important that I want to share with the very limited number of readers who might read my food reviews!!!!!! There is something I lay awake each night pondering, wrestling with, wondering about!!! There is a question that runs through my brain at night regarding how I can live out a certain concept more fully and vibrantly in my life!!!! It has nothing to do with being generous, or kind, helping those who are less fortunate, or stopping wars!!! Though those things are important and I would encourage everybody to be more generous, kind, loving, and peaceful!!!!! But to those who read this blog, if there is one credo, one mantra, one sustaining principle, one life tenet to build the entirety of your existence upon, it would be this.... Be Outeating Your Opponents!!!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Outeat them I say!!!!!! It's as simple as that!!!!!! When you sit down at the dinner table and stare across the vast spread of food to see your wife, husband, mother, father, brother, sister, boyfriend, girlfriend, best friend, cousin, nephews, or whoever... that is your opponent!!!!!!!!!! Do you understand that?!?!?!?!?!?! They are your opponents!!!!!! Make absolutely no mistake about that!!!! Don't!!!!! Anybody who you sit down at the table with to have any meal with is your opponent, and when it comes to your opponents, you outeat them!!!!!!!!!! You do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll say it once more, Be Outeating Your Opponents!!! That's what I lay awake at night wondering about!!! How can do a better job of outeating my opponents!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!

So with that, I went to Red Robin Gourmet Burgers not long ago and decided that I was going to put my money where my mouth was and outeat my opponents!!!!! And who were my opponents that day?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Everybody in the g-damn restaurant, that's who!!!!!!!!! I wanted to make damn well sure that when I walked out the doors of Red Robin that afternoon, nobody else would walk in during operating hours and devour more food than I would!!!! Hell, I wanted to make sure that nobody that week, or even for the entire year would eat more food than me during my visit to Red Robin!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

Actually, I'm a Red Robin veteran but had not been in quite some time!!!!!!! I've eaten there on a number of occasions and used to go pretty regularly and kept returning due to their fine tasting burgers and bottomless steak fries!!!!!!!! It's a lot of g-damn food, baby!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

What brought me back to Red Robin however was that I was cleaning out some old drawers in my office and found two Red Robin gift cards!!!!! I couldn't remember if they had been used or not, so one afternoon I decided to have lunch at Red Robin and find out if there was any remaining balance on these bad boys!!! If not, then I'd just pay full-price and it'd be a glorious meal and moment for me!!!!!! When I walked in to Red Robin and sat at the bar, I asked the nice lady behind the counter if she could check the balance of my newly discovered Red Robin gift cards!!!! Her response: "Wow, these are really old!!!" I guess the design on them hadn't been seen in quite some time!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! When she ran them through the computer she informed me that both of them had $25 on them!!!! $50 worth of food at Red Robin?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Oh yes indeed!!!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! I was so so starving when I walked into Red Robin that afternoon for lunch!!!! The ketosis in my body was evident as my breath smelled weird and I could feel the fat from my gut being cleaved to provide energy to my weary calorie deficient body!!!!!!!

So in wanting to walk the talk as well as living out my faith when it comes to my life motto of "Outeat Your Opponent", I ordered 5, count em' five burgers from Red Robin that afternoon!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! And that included the bottomless fries that comes with them!!!!!!!!!

When I placed my order, the woman taking my order asked me if I was getting this to-go, to take back to people in my office?!?!?!?! Uhhhhhhhh, nope!!!! These are all for me and I will be enjoying them here at the bar!!!! She paused and asked, "are you serious?!?!" Hey, I am serious as the heart attack I'll probably have after eating five burgers in a row!!!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! "Do you want them all at once or do you want me to bring them to you one after another?!" she asked!!!!! "One after another!" I told her! This was going to be so awesome!!!!!!! I love eating and I love food!!!!!!! More than anything!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

In ordering, I wanted a good variety and range of the burgers that Red Robin has to offer so I decided on the Prime Chophouse Burger, The Sauteed Shroom Burger, The Burnin' Love Burger, the Guacamole Bacon Burger, and the Blue Ribbon Burger!!!!!!

Let me just say right off the bat, that a corporate burger restaurant has no business being this good!!!!!! Jesus God Red Robin burgers are tasty!!!!! The quality of meat is fantastic, the seasoning they use for the beef is world class, the toppings are fresh, and the combinations of veggies and sauces they use for their burgers are dreamlike!!!!!!!!! Make no mistake that this is highly addictive food that I dream of all throughout the day and week!!!!!! As I'm lying in bed at night, I don't think about making love to my wife or what I can do to salvage our deteriorating marriage, but rather I think of how soon I can get back to Red Robin and what burger(s) I'm going to devour once I get there!!!!!! Do I have a problem?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Do I?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

OK, so the first burger was the Prime Chophouse Burger!!! This was probably my favorite of the five burgs I had!!!! The Prime Chophouse had on it horseradish, mushrooms, onion strings, provolone, and a dijon sauce!!!! This burger was so flavorful and juicy!!!!! Horseradish sauce on a burger is genius!!!!! I had never had that before, but absolutely loved it and will now make horseradish as a staple topping for every single burger I eat from here on out!!!!!!!!! Wow this was a good burger!!!
Next was the Sauteed Shroom Burger!!!!!! I too loved this burger!!!! I absolutely love mushrooms on everything!!! Be it burgers, pizza, quesadillas, you name it and I love mounds and mounds of sauteed mushrooms on whatever it is!!!!!! And these particular shrooms on the Sauteed Shroom Burger combined with Swiss cheese and chipotle mayo that comes on it was filled with so much tastiness and so much goodness, that the Catholics could probably substitute this burger in place of their holy water!!!!!!!! If I was a priest not only would I bless holy water, but I would bless this burger and implement it into baptism and whatever else holy water is used for!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Thirdly they brought out the Burnin' Love Burger!!!!!! I love spicy food!!!!! This burger came with jalepeno's, salsa, pepperjack cheese, lettuce, tomato, and chipotle mayo!!!!!! Again, the flavor combinations on this burger were phenomonal!!!!! It tasted so good going down, but later that night, my ass was on fiiiiiyyyyyaaaaaahhhhhh, if you know what I mean!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
Fourth, they brought out the Guacamole Bacon Burger!!! This is a decent burger!!!! I mean, it's a good burger, and I have no real complaints about it, but it was the one I felt least enthusiastic about. But if you like Guacamole Bacon Burgers, then you will enjoy this burg!!!!!!!
Lastly, I had the Blue-Ribbon Burger!!!!! I really loved this grilled beef sandwich creation!!!!! I love Blue-Cheese dressing, and to put it on a burger is nothing short of Stephen Hawking genius!!!!! It had on it blue-cheese, onion strings, lettuce, tomato, and chipotle mayo!!!!!! Beautiful, just beautiful I say!!!!!! I was so emotionally moved by the flavor of these burgers, that I'm not ashamed to admit that tears were welling up in my eyes with each bite I took!!!!!! I'm not ashamed to admit that!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

With each of the burgers they came with bottomless steak fries!!!!!!! I don't even know how many baskets of fries I had that day, but let's just say it was a lot!!!!!! I can honestly say that I had more starch in my belly that day than a high end business man has in his laundry room!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

When my food was gone, the nice lady brought me over my bill, but I told her I wanted to order dessert!!!! "Are you serious?!?!" she asked!!!!! "Yes!" I replied!!!! I needed something sweet to balance out all the saltiness and spiciness!!!!! So, I went for a monster sized Cookie Magic milkshake which is basically a chocolate milkshake with Oreo crumbles and a few rainbow sprinkles!!!!! Being that it was monster sized it came with a refill in that silver tin shake can!!! This was a fabulous fabulous shake!!!! Really rich, creamy, and sweet!!!! I would definitely order this shake again!!!! Soooooooooo good!!!!!!!!

OK look! I'm not going to lie!! I ate all of that Red Robin food at around 11:30am and I didn't eat anything for the rest of the day, and even skipped breakfast the next morning!!!!! I was really full and felt pretty sick afterwards because there was just so much food in my stomach!!!!!! But was it worth it?!?!?!?!?!?! YES!!!!!!!!! Plus I slept well that night knowing that I had fulfilled my life's vison and purpose for the day by outeating all of my opponents!!!!! I know there are people out there who can eat way more than me, but I slept well knowing that I had probably eaten the most in one sitting for the year at Red Robin, maybe ever!!!!!!! Wouldn't that be an honor?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

If you want a good burger, then look no further than Red Robin!!!!!!!! Absolutely outstanding and flavorful burgers!!!!!!! Plus you can't beat the fact that they have bottomless fries which are really good when you put the Red Robin seasoning on them!!!!!!!!!! Outeat your opponents when you come here, and you will feel so much peace and goodness in your heart!!!!! But just make sure that you don't outeat me!!!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Do this place and do it hard!!!!!!!!!

Which Wich: Life is Incomplete Without It!!!!!

2012-08-08T12:26:00.001-07:00

I like Subway!! I like Quizno's!!! Jersey Mike's is overrated!! Schlotsky's is good but there aren't many of them around!!!! Togo's is OK!!! But I have eaten just about every sandwich on each of their menu's and I gotta be honest, when lunchtime has been coming around lately, it's been tougher and tougher for me to get excited and passionate to hit up the go-to fast-food sandwich places and stuff my face to no end!!! Though the aforementioned fast food sandwich places are good, I'm just getting burnt out on them!!! No disrespect to you guys!!!! Mad love!!!!!! But lately I've been feeling as though I've needed a change!!! So, when I was driving down Chapman Ave. the other day and saw that there is now a Which Wich in Orange County, my heart started to pound uncontrollably and I had to do a double take as though I had just seen a maimed martian body lying in the desert sand outside of Roswell, New Mexico!!!! What is this?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? A new fast food sandwich place for me to master and decimate on a daily basis?!?!?!?!?!?! In the words of a liquored up Hank Williams, Jr. on Fox News, "Ohhwwwwwwwwww Yeaaaaaahhhh!!!!" Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! I had heard of the legend of Which Wich before but knew they were primarily operating in the South and Midwest!!!! But now they're apparently expanding their operations to California and I've got one of them in my backyard!!!!!! I am elated by this and more excited about having Which Wich around then when I watch the US women's Olympic water polo team!!!! And that excitement I feel for our women's team doesn't have anything to do with national pride if you know what I mean!!!! Look, I'm not trying to be racy or inappropriate, but watching those women swim around in those tight one piece Speedo swimsuits along with those broad muscular swimmers shoulders they all have, is hotter than Hell!!!!! I've never watched water polo in my life, but whenever our women's national team, or any of the women's Olympic teams for that matter, comes on to my TV to compete, I feel like Fred Willard sitting in a movie theater in Hollywood!!!! Hey, wha happened?!?!?!?! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! I love you Fred!!!! No disrespect to the female Olympians!!!! You all make your respected countries proud!!!!
OK, so when I pulled up to Which Wich, walked through the doors, and began looking over their menu, everything seemed so new and fresh!!!!! Which Wich has a very unique system for placing orders!!!! They have sandwich bags and sharpies sitting just below their menu, and on the sandwich bag is their menu along with all of the different toppings, sauces, cheeses and bread options available!!!! You simply fill out your order on the bag with the sharpie and then hand it to the nice woman at the counter and then, BOOM!!!!! A few minutes later your sandwich comes out to you just as you ordered it!!!!!!
Being that I was overwhelmed and wanted to experience the living hell out of Which Wich, I decided to get two sandwiches!!!!!!!! I decided on a Buffalo Chicken Sandwich and a Wicked Sandwich which comes with turkey, ham, roast beef, bacon, and pepperoni along with three different types of cheese!!!! This sucker was massive!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
The first sandwich I tackled was the Buffalo Chicken!!!! This was a fantastic tasting sandwich!!!! The chicken along with the buffalo sauce combined with the freshness of the bread, cheese and veggies in fact made this a superior sandwich!!!! The buffalo sauce and mayo would squirt out the back of my bread with each bite I took and I constantly had to keep all of the toppings in check!!!! Such a good sandwich!!!!! But the Buffalo Chicken wasn't enough for me!!!!!! I was still hungry and wanted more!!!!!! More I say!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Next I went for the Wicked!!!! Like I said, this is a massive ass sandwich!!!!!! Lots of meat, lots of cheese!!!! Again, this was a truly spectacular food concoction between two pieces of bread!!!!!! Outstanding flavors and quality fresh toppings!!!!!! After I drove that last bite of Wicked down my throat, my hunger was quenched and I began to experience an inner peace and contentment in my soul that nothing else in this world can bring!!! I truly believe that the human experience is incomplete if you fail to consume sandwhiches at Which Wich!!!! Which Wich is exactly what the doctor ordered for me regarding my apathetic sandwich attitude lately!!!! Just to reiterate, the places that I have been going to aren't bad, it's just that I needed something different!!!! And Which Wich completely and utterly delivered that for me!!!!! Oh, and their chocolate milkshakes!!!! Good God that thing was tasty!!!!!! Perhaps the finest fast-food shake I have ever had!!!!! And believe me I am aware of how many fast-food places such as Jack in the Box, Chick-Fil-A, Del Taco, Carls Jr., and In-N-Out use real ice-cream and have revamped the quality of their shakes!!!!! But the shakes at Which Wich are stellar!!!!! Maybe the best I've ever had!!!!! Not even joking!!!! Not even joking!!!!!!
Hey Which Wich, in the words of Dido, I just want to thank you!!! I want to thank you for coming to Southern California and bringing your sandwich and milkshake goodness to this fair state of ours!!!! Your food is nothing short of magnificent and there is absolutely room for you to be here and compete with the other sandwich shops in town!!!!!!! I'm not going to lie either... I'm pulling for you Which Wich!!!!!! I am pulling for you!!!!!! I want you to win and drive some of these places out of town!!!! They've been here forever and on behalf of sandwich conniseurs in Orange County... We welcome you and wish you nothing but success and prosperity!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! If you drive by a Which Wich, then you owe it to yourself to grab one of their sharpies and order one or two or three of their sando's for lunch!!!!!!!!!!! Do it!!!!! You won't regret it!!!!!! Eat at this place and eat hard!!!! Live your life!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Chili's Grill and Bar: Friday Night They'll be Dressed to Kill, Down at Chili's Grill & Bar... Hey Wait! That Doesn't Rhyme!!! Ahahahahahahaha!!!!

2012-07-24T14:17:00.000-07:00

I believe it was Fat Bastard from the Austin Powers franchise who very brilliantly and eloquently spoke these beautiful thoughtful words which comprise one of the most emotionally moving sayings in the history of the English Language!!!! And that includes Anglo Saxon!!!! These words I speak of?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Get ready for them, because here they come!!!!!!.... "I want my baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back. I want my baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back...." Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! Chili's baby!!!!!! When it comes to restaurants I like to eat at and review for this blog, I like to go with the non-corporate, neighborhood places!!!!! Sometimes I go corporate or fast food, but not usually!!!!! Recently however, somebody gave my wife a gift card to Chili's as a "Thank You" for her work as a teacher, so it seemed as though fate was speaking to us and pointing us towards the fine corporate eatery known as Chili's Grill & Bar!!!!!!!! And not to give too much of my findings away about my experience at Chili's but, Fate, I love you and thank you from the bottom of my heart!!!!!!! At least this time I thank you!!!!!!! Sometimes we have a rough go of things and I consider you to be my bitch lover!!!!!! But this time, Fate, you were good to me!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

Anywho, my wife hates Chili's so in a rare form of generosity on her part, she handed me her Chili's gift card along with two words, "have fun!" Huuuuuuuuuuyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! I love my wife!!!! Just as long as she doesn't divorce me, which she probably will!!!!!!! So, a Sunday or two ago, the Mrs. wasn't home and I was totally bored and it was so g-damn hot out!!!! With that, I looked into my wallet, saw the Chili's card and thought to myself, "Well, I've got my Sunday planned!!!!!!" YESSSSS!!!!!!

In my early twenties, when I was right out of college, me and a couple of buddies would meet at Chili's Grill & Bar about once a week to drink beer and watch sports!!!! I always remembered the food being tasty and the memories positive, but it had been quite awhile since I had walked through the doors of a Chili's Grill & Bar!!!!!!! One of the habits that I have formed as I've gotten a little older is that when I get bored, I drink!!!!! Day drinking is actually pretty fun!!!! I used to force myself to wait until dinner time to begin imbibing!!! But when in a really bad marriage and bored off your ass on a weekend day, getting sloppy and overeating is a perfect way to spend a day and cope with the difficulties of life!!!!! That's truth!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

When I walked in to Chili's I took a seat at the bar and unfolded the menu sitting on the counter top!!!! One of the first things you'll notice when you walk in to the bar is that Chili's prides themselves on their margarita's!!!!! I'm more of a beer and wine guy, but hey, I can do an ice-cold margarita on a hot and humid day!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! So when the bartender approached me and asked me if I wanted a margarita, my response: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeah!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Needless to say, I started off my time at Chili's with a margarita!!! Like I said, I'm not a huge margarita drinker, but this margarita was ice-cold, full of flavor and wasted no time in getting me where I wanted to be that afternoon!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! After I had gotten the juices flowing so to speak with my margarita, I saw that they had Samuel Adams Summer Ale of tap!!!!! There is quite possibly no better beer to drink in the midst of 90 degrees and humidity in the middle of July than a Samuel Adams Summer Ale!!!!! So crisp, refreshing, and thirst quenching they could serve that malted hops beverage to guys who are in the middle of running the Boston Marathon and likely get exactly zero complaints!!!!!!! I'd absolutely bet on that!!!!! By the time I had polished off my margarita and two pints of Samuel, I was a little drowsy, if you know what I mean!!!! It was time soak up that alcohol with some snacks and satisfy the hunger the booze was bringing about!!!! One of the great things about the happy hour at Chili's is that they give you free chips and salsa!!!!! And, these are good chips and salsa and they come in a huge basket!!!!! The chips are fresh, crunchy, and oily while the salsa is of a high quality!!!!!!! I had them bring me out a plate of chips and salsa and they were nothing short of brilliant and life altering!!!!

As my appetite increased even more after eating the chips and salsa, I looked into the eyes of the bartender and ordered a Mushroom-Swiss Burger as well as a Shiner Bock Barbecue Burger!!! As I was ordering, the bartender began setting two places for food as though I was ordering for somebody meeting me at the bar later, but no!!!!! I had him remove the extra set of silver ware and napkins and communicated to him that both of these burgers will be for a party of one!!!!! Upon hearing that both burgers were for me, he slowly nodded his head and said, “OK. That’s impressive.” And then a few minutes later... out they came!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

First, I tackled the Mushroom-Swiss Burger!!!! This was a very good burger!!! The combination of the juicy beef with the Swiss cheese and sautéed shitake mushrooms was mind blowing!!!!! Remember that Maxell tape add in the 80’s when the guy is sitting in his living room chair listening to music off of a Maxell tape and his shades are on and his hair is blowing back?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! That was me eating this burger!!!!! I was blown away!!!! It was so flavorful and impressive!!!!!! A beautiful beautiful burger!!!! Next, I went for the Shiner Bock Barbeque burger!!!! This too was an amazing burger!!!!! It had on it cheddar cheese, onion strings, and savory sweet Shiner Bock BBQ!!!! Also, there is something about eating food associated with Texas themed beer in horrid humidity that adds to this eating experience!!!! Again, wonderfully seasoned beef and flavor combinations on the Shiner Bock Barbecue Burger that make for a truly delightful eating moment!!!! Also, the fries at Chili’s are wonderful!!!! I love their fries!!!!! Whatever seasoning they sprinkle on to them makes for one of the best fried potato experiences in the history of corporate restaurant America!!!!! You can print that in the papers!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! After all the saltiness of my meal, I needed something sweet!!!! I looked at the back part of the menu and saw that they had chocolate milkshakes for $3.99!!!! It seemed like a perfect way to cap off my time at Chili’s!!!! However, I’ve gotta say that the chocolate milkshakes at Chili’s are wildly disappointing. The shake lacked a strong chocolaty flavor and was overly runny, like I was drinking a bland glass of chocolate milk. Honestly, I could’ve made a better chocolate shake at home, and for much cheaper. In the future, I will skip the chocolate shake from Chili’s. But other than that, Chili’s Bar & Grill was fantastic!!!!! I would wholeheartedly recommend Chili’s for their burgers, fries, margaritas, and happy hour!!!!!! Do this place and eat hard!!!!!! I love Chili’s and will be back very soon!!!! No doubt!!!!!!! Do it!!!!!!

Chunk-n-Chip: Manna From Heaven!!!!!

2012-07-15T12:42:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to pick up a little bit of momentum and confidence when it comes to food trucks!!! I've been visiting many of them for some months now, but have only just been getting small samples of what they have to offer and haven't had many serious meals from them!!!! However, not long ago I came across the Chunk-n-Chip ice-cream sandwich truck, by accident believe it or not, at a food truck gathering here in Orange County and almost instantaneously fell in love!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Chunk-n-Chip specializes in homemade ice-cream sandwiches and hands down they are some of the sweetest, most delectable, flavorful creations of baked sweet sugary goodness that exists in this fair country of ours!!!!!! This truck reminds me of Diddy Riese in Westwood, and though Diddy Riese is amazing and I would absolutely never ever ever ever ever disparage those fine desert concoctions that the UCLA student body and faculty frequents and is no doubt a Los Angeles institution, Chunk-n-Chip I would say is a bit more creative and edgy with their ice-cream sandwiches!!!! Chunk-n-Chip has many distinct cookie creations as well as unique ice-cream flavors and when you put the two of them together, forget it!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Has anybody seen that movie Stripes with Bill Murray and Harold Ramis?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! "Lee Harvey.... You are a madman!!!!.... That time that you made it with the cow?!?!?! The two of us together, forget it!!!!!" Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
Anyway, the other day with my belly filled with the salty, fatty, greasy bar food goodness that one sucks down while tipping multiple pints of Samuel Adams Summer Ale on a hot muggy summer afternoon, I began craving something savory and sweet!!!!! With the knowledge via Twitter that Chunk-n-Chip would be down in the Orange County area from Los Angeles, I just couldn't pass this opportunity up to have one of their sando's!!!!! I mean, I couldn't pass the opportunity up to have Chunk-n-Chip anymore than Rahcel Uechetel could pass up on the opportunity of wrecking Tiger Woods' marriage and then extorting many millions of dollars out of him to stay silent and not reveal any of the juicy details of their love affair!!!!!! How'd that one work out for you, Tiger?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! I know I know... Home wreckers are bad!!!!!
The Chunk-n-Chip ice cream truck I saw was going to be at Beckman High School in Irvine, and though I had to drive a little ways, it wasn't too far for me to make my way down there!!! The day I was at Beckman HS getting ready to pulverize Chunk-n-Chip sandwiches like Mike Tyson did to Robin Givens, it was hot and humid and drops of sweat were sliding to the edge of my nose and dripping to the ground with each step I took!!! My shirt was soaked with moisture and it felt like I was riding on a riverboat casino across the Delta in Tunica, Mississippi!!!!! I mean, damn it was hot and muggy!!!! And to shove down multiple freezing cold ice-cream sandwiches to bring my core temperature to a reasonable level sounded magnificent and refreshing!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
So, when I walked up to the Chunk-n-Chip truck I ordered a chocolate chip cookie sandwich with rocky road ice-cream, as well as a chocolate brownie cookie sandwich with a white chocolate ice-cream in the middle!!!! At Chunk-n-Chip, they refer to their sandwiches as "Boo-Yah's!" At first I though it was kind of funny that Chunk-n-Chip names their dessert products after a tacky hip-hop saying from the early 90's... but whatever! To each their own!!! After trying a "Boo-Yah" I'm kind of used to the name and have warmed up to the notion of calling Chunk-n-Chip sandwiches "Boo-Yah's!" Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Mad love Chunk-n-Chip!!! First off, the chocolate chip cookie sandwich! The cookies were absolutely divine!!! Like, it was manna from heaven that Moses had called down from above after leading the Israelites through the wilderness when they were starving and out of food!!!! These cookies were so warm and gooey, and with that rocky road, it made for one of the most delicious ice-cream sandwiches, ever!!!!!!!! No lie!!!!!!! There were chocolate stains all over my face and hands from the warm melted chocolate chips, and constantly I had to lick my fingers and wipe my face with each bite I took!!!!!!!! It was amazing!!!!!! Next I moved on to the brownie cookie with white chocolate ice-cream!!!! Again, this cookie was simply stunning to taste when it entered my mouth!!! It was so sweet and delicious and combined with a certain chunkiness of the white chocolate ice-cream I would've been open to kneeling down to and offering human sacrifices to the Chunk-n-Chip truck had I not known any better or if this world we live in were completely uncivilized, free from Spanish Catholic influence!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
Afterwards, when my Chunk-n-Chip sando's were completely consumed, my sweet tooth was satisfied to the fullest extent possible!!!!! Also, when I payed for my sandwiches, the lovely young lady taking orders asked me for my phone number, but I think it was because she needed it for my credit card transaction!!!! Either way, it made me feel like a stud, and made my trip to Chunk-n-Chip even more memorable!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Anytime you see the Chunk-n-Chip truck, you owe it to yourself to get over to them and pound their lovely dessert sando's to no end!!!!!! Do it!!!!!! You will be filled with the presence of God!!!!!!! I love you Chunk-n-Chip!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

Laventina's Big Cheese Pizza: A Newport Beach Drunkards Dream!!!!

2012-06-26T11:08:00.002-07:00

There is just something about hole in the wall pizza places near the beach!!!!! The smell of salt water mixed with suntan lotion combined with the cool ocean breeze and the pungent odor of beach sewage spewing from a busted pipe somewhere, coupled with baked dough, melted mozzarella cheese, and spicy tomato sauce makes for one of the most glorious and reminiscent odors known to humankind!!!!!! That's a fact!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!!!!!!!!! While I was going to college up in LA back in the day, I had a friend whose family had a place on Balboa Peninsula!!!! On Thursday nights we would drive down to the Peninsula and man would it be popping off!!!! The Blue Beet, Blackies, Mutt Lynch's, Sharkeez, The District, Cabo Cantina!!!!! The booze would be flowing, the music blaring, and many young Newport Beachers would be laughing, screaming and dancing in an attempt to blow off steam from the stressful week of managing their vast inheritances or allowances that their parents gave to them!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Newport Beach is a g-damned party year round!!!!!!! Thursday nights and Sunday afternoons are when the locals let loose and tip multiple beers and cocktails on the way to the most glorious feeling one can ever experience in life: the feeling of alcohol running through your bloodstream dizzying up your brain!!!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
And when the bars close at 2am, and when your belly is full of all kinds of different distilled beverages and malted hopped brews, there is a human need that rises to the forefront of our existence!!!!! What that might be you ask?!?!?!?!?!?! It is the need for pizza after a long night of drinking!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
A few weeks back, I was tooling around the Balboa Peninsula when I came across Laventina's Big Cheese Pizza!!!! That smell of hole in the wall pizza place near the ocean brought back childhood memories of hanging out at Sunset Beach during the summer, while Laventina's itself brought back memories of searching for something salty and cheesy to eat on a Thursday night after a long night of carousing!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Anybody who drinks in Newport reguarly or who lives there knows the significance and tradition of ordering an inexpensive Laventina's pie once the bars close!!!!!!! And that's the thing about Laventina's!!!! It's decent pizza for not a lot of money!!!! So when you've blown your wad of cash on Martini's and pints of imported beer at the Newport bars, you can still afford a whole pizza for yourself to take home with you to sop up all of the alcohol in your system!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Quick story!!! One night while in college I got really drunk in Newport with some friends!!!! Afterwards we went to Laventina’s and each ordered an entire large cheese pizza for ourselves to decimate!!!!! Within minutes, I had polished mine off and almost immediately began feeling sick!!! The alcohol coupled with the great speed I had consumed my food made me thow up in a matter of minutes!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! But here’s the funny part!!!!! As I was throwing up in the parking lot around the corner, my vomit was coming out really slowly like it was play-dough being pushed through one of those toy grinders!!!!!!! It was the dough of the pizza that made it come out like play-dough!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Actually, that didn’t happen to me!!!! But it did happen to some guy who told me the story!!!!! I couldn’t stop laughing as he shared and I would love nothing more than to be able to make that story my very own!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahaha!!!!!
OK, so the other day as I was in Newport and as I was getting ready to hop on the 55 Freeway and drive home, I saw Laventina's Big Cheese Pizza on my left!!! I think it was a Tuesday night and there was practically nobody there!!!! Every other time I had been to Laventina's it was full of pro Newport boozers lined up outside the door eager to destroy a freshly baked pie, while there would be fresh puddles of vomit lined all along the sidewalk from that evening of imbibing!!!! But Tuesday nights I guess are quiet on the Peninsula as there was no vomit or drunks, at least that I saw, outside of Laventina's!!!!!! So, for old times sake I turned into the parking lot right by Laventina's and decided I was going to go to town on the Laventina's menu like I had never before!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
When I walked in, it was just like I remembered it!!!!! No tables!!!! You have to get your pizza to go or get it for delivery!!!!!! In looking over their menu, I went for a medium with 1/2 cheese and 1/2 pepperoni and jalapeno, another medium with 1/2 pepperoni and jalapeno and 1/2 chicken and garlic, and a meatball sandwich!!!! I could've just gotten a whole pizza with pepperoni and jalapeno!!!!!! I don't know what I was thinking!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Oh, and I didn't share any of my food!!!!! I wasn't going to take this food home to share with anybody!!!!! It was all for me baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When my food was ready, I collected my boxes and bag of Italian grub and decided I was going to eat it like the Newport drunks eat it at 2am on a Thursday night!!!! I was going to loiter outside on the sidewalk and just eat my pizza and sandwhich with no utensils, plates, etc. as though I was hammered and couldn't wait to stuff my face with that salty Italian goodness!!!!!!!
Look, I love Laventina's!!!! I will say that the food here is not the greatest in the world. It's not bad though!!!! It's cool because the food is so inexpensive here, which is a rarity for the Peninsula!!! The dough, toppings, sauce and cheese on the pizza are fine!!! Nothing special but not bad!! Also, the meatball sandwich is a typical meatball sandwich. Nothing to write home about but not bad!!!!! The real joy of this place is going really late at night after too many cocktails!!!! It's a Newport Beach drunkards tradition!!!!! I don't get down to Newport that often anymore!!! Actually hardly ever!!!! The parking situation is a pain in the ass and there are too many burnt out alcoholics hanging around for my taste!!!!! But I was glad I stopped by Laventina's the other day!!!! It brought back so many wonderful memories of childhood and college!!!!! If you're ever on the Peninsula, try Laventina's!!!! Do it!!!! Especially when drunk!!!! You won't regret it!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

Pink's Hot Dogs: Everybody Should Go At Least Once!!!!

2012-05-30T11:45:00.001-07:00

I'm obsessed with Hot Dogs!!!!! I don't know how else to say it or what to do with myself!!!! I am absolutely obsessed and consumed with sampling the finest tubed meat sticks that exist in this world!!! I mean, I'm more obsessed with eating a boat load of fine tasting hot dogs these days than Amnon was obsessed with lying with his half sister Tamar!!!!! The only difference is that I don't feel any regret or experience any personality change after I envelop those dogs through my lips and push them down into my famished, undernourished abdominal pouch!!!!!!!!! And hopefully Absalom won't come looking to kill me either!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
So I was up in LA the other day, driving up La Brea, when I passed Pinks and saw that there was hardly a line at all!!!!! What?!?!?!?!?!?! The last time I was here I literally had to wait in line for 45 minutes with a bunch of Kansas tourists and movie studio techie nerds to make it to the counter to place my order!!!!! That was years ago and I told myself I would never ever do that again!!!!!! But with the line so short and my obsession with hot dogs at an all time high, it occurred to me that I could experience Pink's Hot Dogs for what it was really worth and not have to deal with the dog and pony show that usually accompanies this place!!!!! With that, I made a left turn into the parking lot of Pink's and decided that some hot dog carnage would be taking place in the very near future!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
I don't need to tell you that Pink's is a total tourist trap!!!!! It's right across the street from Paramount Studios and lined on almost every square inch of the wall in their dining room is a signed photo of a Hollywood celebrity!!!! It's pretty cool actually!!!!! They have many unique hot dog concoctions and this place is seriously on TV like every single day!!!! From Bank of America commercials to Eye on LA to Travel Channel and Food Network, I've seen more specials on Pinks Hot Dogs than I have Dateline episodes of Chris Hansen interviewing internet child predators!!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! With that, you owe it to yourself at least once to try this place out just to say you ate there!!!!!!!
With a short line and wait time, it was on between me and Pink's!!!!! I hadn't eaten anything all day and I was completely and utterly starving and could not wait to clog these dogs down my throat and satisfy the hunger that had been brewing within me all day long!!!! When I got to the counter I ordered a Guadalajara Dog which comes with relish, onions, tomatoes, and sour cream, a Lord of the Rings Dog which comes with barbeque sauce and onion rings, and an Emeril Dog which had cole slaw, mustard, onions, jalapenos, bacon, and American cheese!!!!! I also had an order of fries!!!!!!! When the food was ready and I took my tray to my table, I looked down at my plate of hot dogs and starchy goodness, and the only thing that came to mind to say was to repeat the immortal words of New York Jets linebacker, Bart Scott: "Can't Wait!!" Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
I started off with the Guadalajara Dog!!! This was a good dog!!!! The combination of toppings were pleasing to the palette!!! I had never had sour cream on a hot dog before and it proved to be part a magical formula in the realm of hot dog toppings!!! It was very unique and I was beginning to think, "Hey, maybe it is worth it to wait 45 minutes for this food!!!" Next up was the Lord of the Rings Dog!!! Again, a very unique combination of toppings: barbeque sauce and onion rings!!! Never had it before!!!!! But it was good!!!!!!! The onion rings were tasty and the bbq sauce tangy!!! Combined with the dog, it was a masterful culinary creation!!!!!! Lastly was the Emeril Dog with the cole slaw, bacon, jalapenos, mustard, onions, and American cheese!!!!! When I lifted this dog up to my face, I could barely fit my mouth around it!!!! I got cole slaw smeered all over my nose and cheeks!!!!! It was beautiful!!!!!!!! Again, wonderful creativity and flavor combinations that made this dog work!!!!!!! I liked the creativity and out of the box thinking of Pink's when it comes to their menu items!!!!! Also, I thought the fries were some of the best I've ever had!!!!!! The were so g-damn good!!!!! Or was it the ketchup?!?!?!?!?! The ketchup has a kind of tanginess to it that made me want to scoop that pasty sugary tomato slop into my hands and just eat it like it was Ethiopian food!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
The only draw back for me with Pink's is that these dogs are Hoffy hot dogs. When I was a young boy you could buy Hoffy hot dogs at the super market. Without getting into details, I didn't have the most pleasant childhood and as I ate these Hoffy dogs, it reminded me of childhood memories that weren't so great which kind of put a damper on everything. I wasn't abused or anything, it just wasn't a great childhood. I then started thinking about family that I've grown distant from who are now getting older and thought "maybe I should try to reconnect with them in some way"... OK, nobody wants to hear this...
Overall, I liked Pink's! The dogs tasted good and they did well in satisfying my hunger!!!! I would also say there are places that are better for hot dogs. However, if you are in LA, it's a fun place to eat and visit and like I said, everybody should come here at least once to say they did it!!!! Are they worth waiting in line 45 minutes for?!?!?!?! I don't know about that... But come on a weekday like Tuesday or Wednesday at like 4pm and the line shouldn't be too bad!!!!!!! When you come, eat hard and don't hold back!!!!!! Do it with no regrets!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

Pedro's Taco's: The Gateway to Mexico!!!!!

2012-05-29T12:08:00.002-07:00

I love going down to San Clemente!!!!! It's one of the few places I can go in Orange County and feel like I'm truly getting away!!!!! There's something about the architecture, the feel, and the people of the city that just makes it feel different from all other places in Orange County!!!! It's almost as if San Clemente doesn't belong in Orange County but rather should be incorporated into northern San Diego County!!!!! To me, San Clemente is the gateway into Latin America, save the Carribean and Spain!!!!!!! Every time I step foot onto El Camino Real or Avendia Del Mar, I feel like I'm taking my initial steps into Mexico, Central America and South America!!!!!!! And I love Latin America!!!!!! The food, the people, the culture, the women!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! My dream in life is to walk the land through Mexico, Panama, Paraguay, and Argentina speaking Spanish to the locals and meeting a beautiful Latina woman, get married to her, sip whatever the national cocktail is on a beach, eating good food while watching the sunset every single night of the week!!!! My wife wouldn't be too happy with that, but I don't think she reads this blog!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! One can dream, right?!?!?!?!?!?! Right?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
So whenever I can, I like to escape down to San Clemente for a few hours!!!!! I love all the hole in the wall restaurants, dive bars, preservation of the city, the guys in their mid 40's who are burnt out on life, overweight, overly tan, sitting around smoking cigarettes and sipping beers all day while telling fishing stories, as well as the the homeless mentally ill dudes who ride their bikes along that trail by the pier who are always very suspicious looking, like they're sexual predators or something!!!!!!!!! Well, that last one isn't so appealing!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!
OK, so on a recent half day getaway I took down to San Clemente, I decided to eat at Pedro's Taco's!!!!! I had been to Pedro's before, but it had been quite a long time ago!!!!! I know that after the surfer brah's finish a day of shredding the gnar and spreading the stoke down at Trestles, the tradition is to go to Pedro's Tacos and munch on some killer grindage!!!!!! The only problem with Pedro's is that there are a lot of Barney's, Assmunchers, and Co-Kooks hanging around that kind of ruin the surfer brah vibe!!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! I'm just kidding!!!! I just wanted to use some of the surfer lingo that I learned while in college!!!!!!!!!!
Pedro's is legendary for their fish tacos!!!! Also, I remember they had a potato burrito that was pretty damn good too!!!! Earlier that day I was across the street at Pizza Port, slamming beers and feeling nice and uhhhh, warm, if you know what I mean!!!!!! With a beautiful feeling buzz from that powerful and wonderful tasting craft beer, I stumbled out the door and walked across and down the street to Pedro's Tacos to satisfy my alcohol induced hunger!!!!!!! My stomach was empty and was growling and screaming like the Zodiac Killer on the morning he called in to that talk show to speak with Melvin Belli!!!!!!!! The growling and hissing coming from my stomach was so loud that it probably could've made a g-damn cat hiss and/or run for it's life!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!
When I got to Pedro's I noticed that there are no tables to eat at!!!!! You pretty much have to order your food to go, which is fine!!!!! It's perfect for walking down to the beach and eating there!!!!!!!! As I looked over the menu I ordered a carne asada burrito, and three fish tacos!!!!!! I wanted to save a little room for the pizza I was going to have later that night!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! I didn't want to walk all the way down to the beach, so after waiting a few minutes for my food, when they called my number, I took my grinds back to my car and decided to eat it there!!!!!!!!! First up was the carne asada burrito!!!!!!! The meat was flavorful and combined with the onions, guacamole, and salsa, this made for a fantastic carne asada burrito!!!! Also, it was really juicy!!!!! When I bit into it, the grease from the carne asada sprayed everywhere like a shaken up can of root beer!!!!!!!!! It was awesome Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Next, I went for the fish tacos!!!!!!! I was really impressed by how large the tacos were!!!!!!! At first when I looked into the bag of food I couldn't tell which were the tacos and which were the burritos!!!! They all looked to be the same size!!!!!!!! When I unrolled the fish tacos they had on them cabbage, salsa, and that white fish taco sauce!!!!! These were damn good fish tacos!!!! Like, damn good!!!!!! The fried fish batter combined with that white sauce made me want to dance La Cucaracha at Papa's and Beer to the wee hours!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! After sitting in the ocean for a couple of hours, or after doing bong hits, I could totally see how surfers would crave fish tacos from Pedros!!!!! Being around those fish in the ocean would make you want to eat them, right?!?!?!?!?!?! These fish tacos are up there in terms of the greatest of all time in my book!!!!! Not sure if they're number 1, but they might be!!!!!!! Eating this food took me to the streets of Rosarito Beach and reminded me that I was in fact in the gateway to Latin America!!!!! Pedros is beautiful, satisfying food, and when you go down to San Clemente, you just have to eat there!!!!!!! You have to!!!!!!!! Do this place and eat hard!!!!!!!!! I love Pedro's and look forward to many many more meals in the not so distant future!!!!!!!!! Oh, and don't be a Co-Kook!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!

Antonucci's: Consider This a Gift on the Day of my Daughters Wedding!!!

2012-05-15T14:55:00.002-07:00

I think the guy who works as the horse racing handicapper for the Los Angeles Times is a guy by the name of Jerry Antonucci!!!!! One day, back in the hay, I went to a handicapping seminar by the paddock at Santa Anita race track in Arcadia, and who was there offering up his handicapping advice as well as winners and exotics for that days card?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Jerry Antonucci!!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Though I have absolutely no evidence to prove this, Jerry Antonucci was a guy who looked like he might have been missing fingers, if you know what I mean!!!!!!!!! Thick goggle specks, gold chain dangling against his long grey chest hair, the top two buttons of his shirt undone, tan Italian skin, an 18 inch stogie between his teeth, and streaks of grey streaming through his well groomed dark slicked back hair!!!!!!!! When he spoke into the mic at the small crowd that had gathered around him that weekend morning to learn from the master, I was expecting a salty Brando voice to blast through the speakers into our ears.... But that wasn't the case... He spoke like a normal guy!!!!! Jerry Antonucci was actually very gentlemanly in nature, showed well refined humor to his audience, and dispelled any stereotypes that might exist about a guy who's a professional horse racing handicapper with the last name of Antonucci!!!!!!!!!!
Every time I hear a very ethnic Italian last name like, Antonucci, the first thing that pops into my mind is homemade marinara sauce, meatballs, and strong red wine!!!!! Remember that scene in the Godfather when Luca Brasi teaches Michael Corleone how to make spaghetti and meatballs while drunk on too much red wine?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Love that scene!!!!!!!! Whenever I think of Italian culture, or the nation of Italy for that matter, I immediately think of an abundance of good hearty Italian food and powerful red wine!!!!!! Eating and drinking is such a huge part of who the Italians are and I love that about them!!!!!!! I hope I don't have an unfair stereotype of Italians!!!! If this is offensive to some who are of Italian heritage, I apologize!!! But hey, at least I don't think of Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi or Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino when I think of Italy, right?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
OK, so in all seriousness, one of the main reasons as to why I ate at Antonucci's Italian Restaurant in Mission Viejo was mainly due to the name!!!!!!! Not even joking!!!!!! I mean, just the name Antonucci's made me hungry and got me craving Italian food every single time I saw the name or heard it!!!!! Try it!!!!! Say "Antonucci" a few times and tell me you don't immediately start craving good Italian food and a jug of red wine to stuff down your pie hole to no end!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!
So, I went to Antonucci's one evening and decided to order a pizza with pepperoni, garlic, and mushrooms as well as a meatball sandwich.... Oh yeah, and a s-load of red wine!!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! My first impression of the food at Antonucci's was that it looked and smelled wonderful!!!!! That spicy garlic steaming up from the hot melted mozzarella cheese and spicy marinara sauce sitting on a warm baked crust made me want to marry Victoria Ghotti at that exact moment to become a made guy with the Columbo's!!!!! No doubt the Columbo's have done and still do some very bad things, but man I'll bet those guys eat so so well every single night of the week!!!!!!!! I wouldn't give a damn about the street cred or the income I would get being a mobster, but to me the real benefit of being a made guy is the food and wine you would get to partake in each day!!!!! Make no mistake about that!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
OK, so the food at Antonucci's looked and smelled good, but when I bit into the pizza, it was by no means a top-20 pizza for me. The sauce was good, the cheese and toppings were fresh, but the crust just didn't work for me. The crust struck me as something that was mindfully prepared, but it was overly chewy and somewhat hard. Again, the crust wasn't cheaply done and it wasn't totally dried up like some places, but it was harder to chew than I would've liked. Not a bad pizza, but certainly not the best I've ever had. After the pizza I went for the meatball sandwich. The sandwich wasn't bad, but there wasn't anything real memorable about it. It was just kind of a generic meatball sandwich in which there was nothing special. Also, the meatballs were a bit dry. It wasn't horrible, there just wasn't much to it in my opinion. Anytime I come down a little negative on a place I want it to be clear that you should still go to the place and try it yourself!!! So, got to Antonucci's!!! In fact I would like to try some of their pasta dishes and I likely will return to do that!!!!! Also, they have a nice lounge area to have a cocktail and watch a game!!!! It's a neat little neighborhood Italian place!!!!! Try it out!!!! Not the worst I've ever had but not the best either. It was OK. I'm glad I tried Antonucci's and the food did satisfy my hunger and Italian food cravings!!!!!!!! Give this place a shot and decide for yourself!!!! Do it!!!!!!!!!!

Jerry's Wood Fired Dogs: Like a Dream!!!!!!

2012-05-03T12:20:00.000-07:00

I love hot dogs!!!! I love them!!!!! I love them I love them I love them I love them I love them I love them I love them I love them I love them I love them!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! I don't know if it's because I've been watching a lot of Tony Bourdain lately or because there's been a dialogue here in So. Cal regarding the best hot dogs in the area!!!! But not since my childhood have I ever been so taken with my pursuit of that encased pork product placed between a cleft piece of bread with various toppings piled on!!!!!! Not long ago, I discovered Berkeley Dog here in OC and have noticed that there are a few more of them popping up!!!!! Berkeley Dog is good and I would wholeheartedly recommend it to everybody... EVERYBODY!!!!!! However, recently I discovered the finest, most succulent, most wonderful tasting tubed pork that I have ever placed inside of my mouth!!!!!!!!! What am I talking about?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I'm talking about Jerry's Wood Fired Dogs in Santa Ana!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I saw on Twitter recently that on Monday's, you can get hot dogs and sausages from Jerry's Dogs for like $2 off their regular price!!!!!!!!!!! Sparked by curiosity and word of mouth, I moseyed on over to Jerry's and decided I was going to give this place a shot!!!! And being that I was getting $2 off each dog, I wasn't going to feel bad if these dogs turned out to be a bust!!!!!

There are apparently a handful of Jerry's Dogs in Orange County, but I visited the location off of 17th street near the 55 freeway in Santa Ana!!! As I walked through the doors, the sight which I witnessed was majestic!!!! There was a large menu with many different types of hot dogs, sausages, and burgers on it, not to mention a plethora of toppings you could add to your food that seemed unending!!!!!! Also, the grill where they prepared all of their food, as well as all of their condiments were in plain view for all to see!!!!! Anything you might want to put on your hot dog, Jerry's has it!!!!!! ANYTHING!!!!!!!!! Furthermore, upon entering Jerry's, the smell of hot dogs and sausages being prepared by way of wood fire was absolutely heavenly!!!!!!! It was as though the Jewish high priest had lit an incense stick as a fragrance offering to the Lord Almighty during the Passover Festival!!!!!!!!! It smelled so good that I began to believe that a larger percentage of my brain came to life and began to function as I had never ever ever experienced the wood fired pork scent that Jerry's was spewing from it's kitchen!!!!!!!!! I began to experience an existence that I never knew was possible!!!!!!!! It was like that movie with Bradley Cooper and Robert DeNiro where the guy takes the pill and has full function of his brain!!!!!!! But this wasn't a g-damn sci-fi movie!!!!!!! This was real life!!!!!! What I smelled while standing in the presence of Jerry's Wood Fired Dogs was substantive and actual, existentially speaking!!!!! It wasn't a dream, or a fantasy, or a fictitious story that was being written.... It was real!!!!!!! It was as real as you're sitting here reading this review!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

The decision that I came to upon looking over the menu was to order a Jerry's Signature Dog which comes plain but you can add whatever toppings you'd like, a Carolina Dog which came with chili and cole slaw, a Chicago Dog, a Cleveland Dog with kraut and stadium mustard, a Mushroon Swiss Dog, and an order of fries!!!!!!!!!

With the Jerry’s Signature Dog, once it’s ready you can tell the nice woman in the kitchen all the toppings you would like on your dog!!!!! I asked her, “uh, is there a limit as to how many toppings I can put on my dog?!?!?!?!?!?!?!” Her response: “Nope!” Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! On my Jerry’s Signature Dog I had ketchup, mustard, onions, relish, jalapenos, and tomatoes!!!!!!!!! When I sunk my teeth into this dog, chewed, and swallowed, I just sat back on my couch and stared at the ceiling with a smirk on my face as though the girl of my dreams had just asked me out on a date and I was envisioning what a lifetime together might look like!!!!!!!!!!!!! This dog tasted so good and, emotionally speaking, it made me come to life!!!!!!!!! To hell with Lexapro!!!!! To hell with therapy!!!!!! Forcing yourself into uncomfortable situations to push you out of your comfort zone, be damned!!!!!! Jerry's Wood Fired Dogs is the only medicine one needs to experience the life that is truly worth living!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! The bun on these dogs were perfectly cooked!!!!!! Not too hard, but moist enough so it did not get in the way of the smoked wood fired flavor of the dog!!!!!! Perfection!!!!!!!!! The Carolina Dog and Chicago dog were good too!!!!!! Although, the pickle on the Chicago Dog was a bit too much, yet it was still a quality Chicago Dog, one that I would order again!!!!!!!!!!! And... the Cleveland Dog was something that was incredibly special!!!!! I've never been to Cleveland but I am aware that Cleveland is a phenomenol sports town!!!! As I bit into my Cleveland Dog it took me away to the bleachers of Jacobs Field watching a Cleveland Indians baseball game!!!!!! In my mind as I sat at Jacob's Field, with my Cleveland Dog hanging out of my mouth, I vividly remember shouting "too high!!!!!" when the opposing team hit a ball that looked like it was going to be a home run!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! C'mon, does anybody get that reference?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! But the real star of the day, the real hero, the one who stole the g-damn show, and as far as I’m concerned has no obligation to ever.... and I mean, EVER share the stage or headline with any meal/show for the remainder of history, would be the Mushroom and Swiss Dog. The combination of that moist bun, wood fire flavored dog, mushrooms, swiss-cheese and chipotle mayo emoted in me the intense desire to clog my belly full of those Mushroom and Swiss dogs like a toilet gets clogged after eating $40 worth of White Castle sliders from the frozen food section of the grocery store!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish we had a real White Castle in So. Cal. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! In my humble opinion, Jerry’s Wood Fired Dogs are the best dogs I’ve ever had!!!!!! They're all I've been thinking about ever since I ate there!!!!! I'm obsessed like a high school boy is obsessed with his first girlfriend!!!!! This place is better than Berkeley Dog, better than Top Dog, better than Fab’s, better than Pink’s!!!!!!! No disrespect to those places as they are purveyors of wonderful tasting hot dogs!!!!!!! But Jerry’s Wood Fired Dog’s has the best dogs in all of So. Cal!!!!!!!! Hell, I’d put up them up against anyplace in Chicago or New York!!!!!!! As Fred Durst sang when he accompanied Staind in the song ‘Outside’ , “This is the real Mutha F*ckin’ deal ya’ll!!!!!!!!!” Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! Hands down, Jerry’s Wood Fired Dogs is home to the best hot dogs ever... EVER!!!!!! Do this place and don’t cheat yourself!!!!! If you go on a Monday it’s $2 off most hot dogs and you can pound to no end!!!!!!!!! Do it!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

Peter's Gourmade Grill: A Landmark of Flavors!!!!!!!

2012-04-06T16:17:00.007-07:00

A very wise man, a genius really, back in 1982, penned some of the most significant lyrics in the history of music!!!! And this is not even an exaggeration!!!!!!! Not at all!!!!!! This artist, this guru, this musical mastermind I speak of is none other than former Doobie Brothers front man, once Steely Dan backup vocalist, and now successful solo artist, Michael McDonald!!!!!!!! What lyrics could I possibly be referring to from Michael McDonald that qualify him to bear the title of Greatest Lyricist Ever?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?! Uh, how about this line.... "I keep forgetting we're not in love anymore!!!!!!!!" I mean, has there ever been a more supernatural creative breakthrough in the history of art?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Has there?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! And don't pull a Michelangelo, Charles Bukowski, or Wolfgang Mozart out of your ass at me either!!!!!!!!! Though those individuals have made adequate contributions to the artistic world in various forms, it is an undeniable fact that when Michael McDonald wrote and sang the lyrics, "I keep forgetting we're not in love anymore..." it unalterably and undoubtedly represented the pinnacle of human artistic achievement!!!!!!!! Michael McDonald should be considered a g-damn immortal like the Roman emperor Nero, Jose Luis de Jesus Miranda, and Haile Selassie of Kenya!!!!!!!!! Does Michael McDonald belong in the same breath as those names?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?! I think the more prudent question to ask is, do those guys belong in the same breath as Michael McDonald?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Michael McDonald has changed the course of human history with the brilliance of his writing of the song, I Keep Forgettin'!!!!!!!!!! All hail Michael McDonald!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Question: What does this have to do with Peter's Gourmade Grill?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! ... I don't know!!!!!!!! But as I had been hearing about the divine quality of food at Peter's Gourmade Grill and upon visiting Peter's Gourmade in Tustin recently, it sent me into an irrational passionate mood about food!!!!!!!!!!! Hence, the expression of my feelings regarding Michael McDonald, which by the way are 100% completely true and are in no way challengeable!!!!!!! Clear?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!!?! Good!!!!!!!!!!! Why you actin' crazy esse?!?!?!?! Don't you know I'm loco?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!
To prepare myself for the massive swallowing of Peter's Gourmade food that I was going to partake in that day, I ate a very light dinner the night before, then fasted until about 3pm up until I walked into the entrance of Peter's and placed my unusually large food order!!!!!! I was starving and so so so so ready to obliderate all food that I paid for that came out of the kitchen at Peter's Gourmade!!!!!!! And what did I order, you might ask?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I ordered an ABC Burger that comes with pretty much everything including bacon and guacamole, Greek Fries which came with gyro meat, cheese, tomatoes, onions, and tzatziki, and a straight up Gyro that I think was made with like a lamb sausage!!!!!!!!!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh Baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The lady behind the counter taking orders looked at me like, "are you really going to eat all of that by yourself?" Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh Yyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
When they called my number and when my mountain of food was ready, I found a corner spot in the tiny cramped space that Peter's is located in and went to work!!!!!!!!!! I dug my fork into my Greek Fries like a ditch digger sticks his shovel in the sand at the beach to change the way waves break against the shore!!!!!! As soon as that combination of feta cheese, potatoes, lamb meat, onions, tomatoes and tzatziki slid across my moist lips and onto my tongue, I immediately dropped my fork and stared at my plate of food as though my dog was dropping a deuce on the living room rug.... I was like, What in the hell is going on?!?!?!?!?!?! But there were no negative connotations to my reaction!!!!! These fries absolutely brought me to my knees and I was blown away with how absolutely spellbinding they were!!!!!!!!! Wow!!!!!!!!!! Maybe the best plate of starchy goodness that exists in all of Southern California!!!!!!! In all of Southern California!!!!!!!!! I'm not even joking!!!!!!!!!!! Certainly and undoubtedly the finest I've ever had.... EVER!!!!!!! Sampling these Gyro Fries are worth the trip to Peter's alone!!!!! Hell, if they charged a cover at the door at Peter's, I'd pay whatever they were asking to get inside the door and order a plate of those Greek Fries!!!!!! That's what I'm talkin' bout!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
Next, I tackled the ABC Burger!!!!! This was a massive ass burger!!!!!!!! It was piled high with so many toppings that it was astounding that this many toppings could be fit onto one burger!!!!!!!!!! The bun, fresh beef, cheddar cheese, lettuce, tomato, onions, guacamole, bacon, ketchup, mustard, and anything else you can think of was a triumphant edible achievement that sat in front of me and was soon to pressed up against my fat face!!!! Perhaps a step below Michael McDonalds songwriting accomplishments, but still a splendid and impressive tasting burger!!!!!!!!!!! The liquid combination of ketchup and grease began streaming down the side of my hand and on to my wrist with each bite I took of the ABC Burger!!!! I had to lick my hand after each bite!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was a little awkward looking!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
The final aspect of my Mediterranean/American feast consisted of a straight up gyro!!!!! To be honest, I've never been a huge gyro guy!!!!! But I was starving so I thought to myself, "Oh what the hell!! A gyro actually sounds kind of good!!" When I unwrapped the foil I saw that the gyro consisted of a wrap, lamb sausage, onions, tomato, and a cup of tzatziki!!!! When I poured my little cup of tzatziki all over the wrap and lamb, I rolled the gyro up as tight as I possibly could and stuffed as much of it into my mouth as I was capable of, much like a Kodiak bear eating a plate of hot dogs!!!!!! Remember when Kobayashi competed against that bear in the hot dog eating contest on Fox?!?!?!?!?!?!? I was trying to imitate the Kodiak bear!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Anyway, the lamb sausage was excellent and the gyro reminded me of the fries as many of the flavors were similar!!!!!!!! This food was explosive and now has a special place in my heart as being one of the best restaurants in all of Orange County!!!!!!
Peter's Gourmade Grill is a g-damn Orange County landmark!!!!!!! The Nixon Library, Mission San Juan Capistrano, John Wayne's yacht, Disneyland, the burial place of Pamela Courson, and now.... Peter's Gourmade Grill!!!!!!!! Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't argue with me!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you disagree with Peter's Gourmade being an Orange County landmark, then you haven't been there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You haven't been there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anybody who disagrees with me, clearly has never eaten Greek Fries at Peter's Gourmade!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This food is that significant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! On this Good Friday, we thank our Messiah for his sacrifice... And we can also thank Peter's Gourmade for their food and that they are open for business to prepare some of the most enjoyable food in this decent land of ours called Orange County!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you Jesus... And thank you Peter!!!!!!! Get on down to Peter's Gourmade and live your life!!!!!!! Step in to freedom and step in to real existence!!!! Eat this food!!!!!! Do it!!!!!!!! Now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

California Pizza Kitchen: Better Than How a Middle Aged Women Feels Getting Proposed to for the First Time!!!!!!!!

2012-03-30T18:34:00.005-07:00

OK, so not too long ago I was on Twitter and CPK said they were giving away free gift cards because they were in a good mood or because I think it was National Random Act of Kindness Day!!!! With that, the gal who runs the Twitter account for CPK liked my tweets, so she decided to reward me with $40 worth of free gift cards to CPK!!!!! Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And just so it's clear, the sweetest and most delicious type of food that exists in the entirity of this planet we inhabit, is food that is free!!!!!!!!! It doesn't even matter what type of food it is!!!!! It can be appetizers, tacos, burgers, curry, steak, Klondike Bars, or even corn dogs!!!!!!! As long as the food is free, it's nowhere even close to being short of magnificent!!!!!!!!!! It's an automatic!!!!!!!!! A truer statement about food has never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever been spoken in the history of recorded humanity!!!!!!!!!!... NOT EVER!!!!!!! Saying that free food is the sweetest most delicious type of food there is, is truer than when Colombus proclaimed the world was round, truer than when Galileo stated the earth revolves around the sun, and it's g-damn truer than when St. Thomas Aquinas proved the existence of God due to the Law of Causation!!!!!!! Boom!!!!!!! Owned, haters!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! Free food, is the most pulchritudinous thing I personally have ever experienced in this suffering painful world we live in!!!!! You want to better this planet?!?!?!?!?!?! Do you?!?!?!?! Give somebody good free food and you are automatically bettering humanity!!!!!!!! Giving free food to me or anybody is what living this life is all about!!!!!!! What a magical, altruistic feeling one receives upon the giving of high quality caloric goodness!!!!!!! Not love from family, affection received from beautiful women, or the wonderful buzz from cold beer on tap on a Friday after 5pm can come anywhere near the experience of gobbling down free fodder given out on Twitter!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahaha!! So, when I got my free $40 worth of CPK gift cards in the mail, I got more excited than a sixteen year old boy poking his eyes through the entrance of a strip club because eating my free CPK pizza was a feeling that comes along not too often!!!!!! And when it does.... BAM!!!! You gotta strike and get the g-damn most out the experience because this g-damn life we have is short!!!!!! You know what I'm sayin' playah?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Ahahahahhahahahahahaha!!! I mean, lets just say that I was excited, pumped and ready to cause some food annihilation to CPK that my insides had never before seen or experienced!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
When I walked out to my mailbox that fateful afternoon and saw that a CPK envelope had arrived with my name on it, full well knowing the contents contained my gift cards, I felt like a chunky, unattractive, 34 year old woman, desperate to have a baby, whose insecure boyfriend had just been proposed to her!!!! I was giddy with adrenaline flowing through my heart and veins and became light headed and flustered!!!!! This was an absolute dream come true for me, like a childhood fantasy being consummated!!!!!!!! Free pizza from CPK!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!
When I opened that glorious envelope and when my gift cards slid out of that folded paper, I just sat on my couch and held those cards in my hands like a relapsed alcoholic holds a shot glass full of Jameson between his fingers finally partaking in that liquid treasure that he'd had been missing from his life for so so long!!!!!!!!!!!! Doesn't matter if he has to go back in to rehab or answer to his accountability partners later that week at the AA meeting!!!!! It just felt so right holding it there in my hands!!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Anyway, to make a long story short, that night I drove down to the CPK I happened to be near in Newport and decided to go with three CPK pizzas!!!!!!!!! I hadn't been to CPK in years and I coundn't wait to partake in this free baked Italian feast compliments of CPK themselves!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
I decided to go for the Mushroom Pepperoni and Sausage, Roasted Garlic and Chicken, and Habenero Carnitas!!!!! And and and... I didn't share them with anybody!!!!!!! They were all for me!!!!!! I know I know... I'm a selfish gluttonous pig... But I'm proud of who I am!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! I juxtaposed my pizzas and started to go to work!!!!!!! As I felt the dough, cheese and toppings jump through my mouth, like clothes in a washing machine, those dreams and expectations I had had about my free CPK pizza were coming true!!!! Each of these pies was simply fantastic!!!! The quality of the dough was brilliant, the cheese was plenty gooey, while the toppings and sauce complimented everything so so well!!!!!! Probably my favorite was the Habenero Carnitas!!!!! Carnitas on pizza?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Genius!!!!!! Absolutely and utterly genius, CPK!!!!!! Come out for an encore!!!!!! We're all standing and clapping!!!!!! Come back out!!!! Play another song for us!!!!!!! One more!!!!!! Play one more!!!!! We want an encore from the Habenero Carnitas Pizza, CPK!!!!!!!!! Please!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! And and and... the Habenero Carnitas pie came with salsa!!!!! Gosh damn, I could've eaten 45 inches of that Habenero Carnitas pizza smothered in their salsa!!!!!!!! Wow!!!!!!! The Garlic Chicken was plenty delicious as well and the Mushroom Pepperoni and Sausage could hold it's own with any high powered pizza joint in the country!!!!!!!!! When I had finished all of my pizza's, I felt like a beached whale and could barely even stand up and walk out of the place!!!!!! My eyes became bloodshot red and I wanted to just place my forehead down on my table and take a nap right then and there!!!! If the Red Cross had been around wanting me to donate blood, the phlegbotomist probably could've just poked a hole in my gut and drawn from there because I think all eight pints of my blood happened to be sitting in my stomach after my CPK meal!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
CPK, I am grateful for your generosity!!!!!! To be honest, if I hadn't gotten those gift cards from you via Twitter, I don't know when I would've ever been back to visit!!!!! Your pizza is fabulous and of a high quality!!!!!!!!!! My advice to those who read this: Get on over to CPK and pound down pies like your trying to tendorize meat!!!!!! So good and so fulfilling!!!!! Do it now!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Pizzamania: Going Loco!!!!

2012-03-04T15:45:00.003-08:00

In talking to people from the east coast who now live in Southern California, I hear the comment time and time again from them that the pizza one will find out here in the west is exponentially inferior to what you can find in places like New York, Philadelphia or New Jersey!!! Apparentely it has something to do with the water in the east!!!! I always thought that Los Angeles put out some pretty honorable pizza in relation to the rest of the country!!! So, in hearing the trash talk about pizza in So. Cal, and being that I am prideful of where I'm from, I've decided to try to make my way up to Los Angeles when I get the chance to sample some of the cheesy, baked crust, Italian excellence in the second largest media market in this great country of ours and see if it really is comparatively sub-par to what one will find elsewhere!!!! It's been awhile since I've been back east or to Italy, but I think I can tell where we're at here in LA when it comes to our pies!!!!!
I happened to be driving back home the other day from San Gabriel (home of Petrillo's which has excellent pizza), and noticed that I would be pretty close to an eating establishment that is rated as a top-10 pizza place in the Los Angeles market according to Urbanspoon... Pizzamania in Whittier!!!!!
I mean, what a great name - Pizzamania!!!!It's like, I'm going maniacal for pizza and there's a movement of deeply committed, non-rational people who will act without thinking in regard to the food put out by Pizzamania!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Hell, I'd probably fit right in and find my niche in life if that were truly the case when it comes to the patrons of Pizzamania!!!!! Let's start a damned revolution over food because it's something that is worth fighting for and giving ones life for!!!!!! I'm a bit maniacal myself when it comes to eating, especially when eating tasty good pizza, and if that's what Pizzamania is all about, then consider me a foot soldier in the food revolution!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Is this making sense to anybody?!?!?!?!?! Yeah, me neither!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
So while I was driving down the 605, I exited Telegraph Rd., and as exited the offramp and began looking around at my surroundings, everything seemed strangly familiar to me!!! It was like I was having dejavu, like I had been in this area in a past life!!! I drove by a place called Maggie's Pub and I wanted to say that I had been there before, maybe had a meal or a beer, but I didn't know for sure!!!! Anyway, when I pulled into the parking lot of Pizzamania in Whittier I saw that there were people spilling out into the parking lot either waiting for a table, or waiting to pick up their pies that had been ordered over the phone previously that evening!!!! A good sign, I suppose, for this food being virtuous and of heroic proportions!!!!! But at the same time, I was going to have to wait!!!! Dammit!!!!!! Whatever, it's fine!!!! I recalled the words of St. Pauls letter to the Galatians about sowing patience, so I waited in line patiently to place my order!!! I could've just called in the order, but I wanted to look at the menu!!!!
When I walked through the doors of Pizzamania and looked around, I again began to have this feeling of dejavu!!!!!! What the hell?!?!?! "Damn, this place looks familiar!!!! Have I been here before?!?!?!?!?!?!?!," I thought. As I walked through the dining room, past the bar, and saw that the pizza was being tossed and baked right behind the lovely young ladies who were taking orders, it all came back to me like the Prodigal Son returning to his father!!!! I had in fact been to Pizzamania!!!!! But when and with who and why?!?!?!?! Many years ago, I dated a girl who grew up in Whittier and I think one day after visiting her family we came to Pizzamania!!!! I can't exactly remember the details, but I had in fact been to Pizzamania before!!!!! It totally blew my mind!!!!!! And you know, it then brought back memories of her, my ex girlfriend, Elissa!!!! I started to get kind of sad as I thought about my old girlfriend and how things ended between us!!! She was a really really nice girl, and pretty hot, but she smothered me and at the end of the day she wanted to get married and I wasn't ready to pull the trigger at that point in my life!!!!!! And and and... I was an a-hole!!! Needless to say, it didn't work out!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! But being back at Pizzamania was trippin' me out!!!!! I was trippin' like Tre in Boyz n' the Hood!!!!! "Tre, you trippin'!!!" Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
OK, enough of that!!! After I had looked over the menu and when I finally got to the counter to order, I decided to go with a medium Special which had on it pepperoni, ham, mushroom,onions, and green peppers!!! I remember my ex-girlfriend telling me the day we were at Pizzamania that there was this really overweight guy, who had slimmed down, who was the owner and would toss the dough every day himself!!!! She pointed him out to me the day we were there many years ago!!! Just a random fact that was rekindled!!!!! In fact, a lot of old memories have been rekindled on account of my visit to Pizzamania and I've now begun to think of my ex-girlfriend often and I wonder how she's doing these days?!?!?! I've looked for her on Facebook, Twitter and even called her old home number, but to no avail!!!! Elissa if you're out there... I love you!!!!!! I was so stupid to break up with you!!!!! I was immature and confused!!!!!! Please, take me back!!!!!! We can make it, Baby!!!! You an me!!!!!! Whaaaaaaaaaaaa hahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Anyway, I don't think the owner was there that night, but I could've been wrong!!!! After I had placed my order, I had quite a bit of down time in the cramped waiting room filled with other Pizzamania customers wanting to get their overeating on with Pizzamania!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! After awhile, they called my name and being that there was no traffic on the freeway, I sped home as fast as I could as I longed to be alone with my pizza just as much as I longed for another moment alone with my ex-girlfriend!!!! Damn I miss her!!!!!
As I pulled into my driveway, I carried my Pizzamania box up to my bedroom and across the threshold, like it was our wedding night and we were about to make sweet passionate love to one another!!!!! When I opened the box, everything smelled magnificent!!!! From the freshly melted mozzeralla, to the spiciness of the sauce, to the warm oven-baked crust, to the high quality ingredients, everything looked and smelled utopian!!!! My next step was to turn on the TV and find something to watch that would compliment the eating of my Pizzamania pizza!!!! Usually a show like Diners Drive-Ins and Dives, Man vs. Food, or No Reservations is the perfect amenity to eating sublime tasting food while you are emaciated and in need of an abundance of caloric intake!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Reruns of Man vs. Food happened to be on which made my meal with Pizzamania one of the most unforgettable instances in the history of my life!!!!! With each bite of Pizzamania pizza I took, a bubble of their spicy pizza sauce would pop up through the melted cheese like a puss ball escaping from a ripe zit on one's back!!! OK, maybe that's an unappetizing example, but you get my point, right?!?!?!?!?! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! This pizza was superb and in fact was making me a bit manical!!!!! I started text messaging and e-mailing a bunch of border line innapropriate comments to people that I was not that close to!!!! Like associates at work and friends of friends on Facebook!!!!!! It was like I had just downed a bunch of alcoholic beverages and had lost every single ounce of good judgement and common sense that was in me!!!! I was a maniac because I was eating Pizzamania!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! I mean, that's what the flavors and quality of this pizza has the potential to do to you!!!! You'll go crazy!!!!!!! Excellent sauce, fresh cheese, quality dough, and beautiful tasting meats and veggies!!!!!! This is no doubt a top-10 LA pizza joint!!!!!! I honestly and truly believe that you could take this pizza and put it next to the top pizzas on the east coast and Pizzamania would hold it's own!!!!!! Pizzamania could stand in the g-damn ring or octagon and exchange blows or roll around on the ground with any pizza from the east coast!!!!! You hear that New York?!?!?!?!?! You hearing this?!?!?!?!?! We're not scared!!!!! We don't care!!!!! As Mike "the Situation" Sorrentino shouted and proclaimed just before his scuffle with Ronnie, "Let's do this!!!!!" Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Pizzamania is fantastic!!!! The citizens of Whittier have been blessed by the Almighty in having this fine eating establishment in their town!!!! And Elissa, if you're out there, call me!!!!!! Send me a message!!!!!! I'll come for you!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Grill Em All: Obey Your Master!!!!!!

2012-02-29T21:17:00.012-08:00

So I guess I'm a Johnny Come Lately when it comes to the whole food truck scene!!!! Every time I think of a food truck, my mind immediately goes to a bunch of gardeners laying on a freshly cut lawn of green grass they have just finished working on while a roach coach is pulled up along side of them pushing cheaply prepared sandwiches and God knows what else for their lunch breaks!! Hey, God bless those who keep our parks and lawns tidy and neat!!! They deserve a break after working hard all day out in the hot sun!!!!! However, I've never been compelled to spend my money or waste a meal on food that comes from a food truck!!! Call me a snob or whatever, but it just doesn't sound too appetizing to me!!!! But with the rise of the food truck scene and with myriad food trucks lavishing their fusion gourmet cuisine onto the Southern California eating scene, I decided it was time I get with the times and try some of them out!!!!!! Hey, the Church over time has gotten with it by now ordaining women, looking the other way at pre-marital sex, and now marrying homosexual couples!!!!! If the church can get with it when it comes to certain social issues, well then, I can get with it when it comes to expanding my horizons when it comes to eating at a g-damn food truck for lunch!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Look, I'm aware those above statements about the Church will be deemed offensive to some, so just pull the wadded cotton panties out from your crack and know that I'm just trying to have fun!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Anyway, one of the contributing factors that led me to the realization that food trucks are actually puting out some pretty dignified cuisine has to do with the Food Network show called The Great Food Truck Race!!! To be honest, I think reality TV is obnoxious and substandard programming at best and I've always thought Americans' love of reality TV was a sad commentary on our intellectual and moral reputation to the rest of the civilized and uncivilized world!!!! Reality TV is idiotic in my opinion!!! However, being that a lot of the food truck contestants on The Great Food Truck Race were from Orange County and being that the food they were serving would look nothing short of salivating, into the The Great Food Truck Race did I get sucked, much like Paris Hilton's boyfriend did in that bootlegged home video of the two of them after a long night of boozing at the Hollywood clubs!!!! Did I just cross the line there?!?!?!?!?!?! Yeah, maybe I did!!! I apologize to my under 18 demographic!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! OK OK, I'll clean it up!!!!

OK! So, I didn't watch season 1 of the The Great Food Truck Race, but I had heard that the Grill Em All Truck was the victor of this inaugural food truck competition and that they in fact set up shop in multiple locations all around the Southern California area!!!! After following them on Twitter for a little while, I waited until they were going to be somewhat close to me and then, BAM!!!! The Grill Em All Truck and my empty stomach and hearty appetite were going to clash much like Megadeth, Slayer, and Suicidal Tendencies clashed while on that one tour in the fall of 1990!!!!!!!!! Just to give you a little bit of context leading up to my visit to Grill Em All, I had been drinking heavily the night before!!! Like really heavily!!!!! I like to drink beer and imbibe in a few glasses of wine a couple of times a week, but that's about the extent of it!!!! But on this particular night, I think I had more to drink then I ever had in my entire life!!!!!!! Not on the night I turned 21, not during my bachelor party, nor the time I went on a bender in Vegas with some friends from college, had I ever had more to drink than on the night before I ate at Grill Em All!!!! No no no no no no!!!! This night conquered all of them!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! The drink of choice for us all was something called an Oatmeal Cookie!!! OK, I don't particularly care for hard liquor or cocktails and I'm not even that familiar with the many different cocktails that exist, but Oatmeal Cookies.... Shesus!!!!!!! I mean with each shot I took it was like the Pepperidge Farm baker was there giving us sample after sample after sample after sample after sample after sample of that warm gooey baked sugary cookie batter benevolence!!!!! The only problem was was that there was an s-load of alcohol in each shot!!!! Holy God!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Needless to say, when I woke up on my living room floor the next morning with my face down on the hardwood tile, I had a splitting headache, was completely disoriented, and was still a little inebriated from the alcohol leftover in my system from the night before!!!!!!! When I pushed myself up off the floor, and after emptying half of the five gallon Arrowhead water container in the kitchen and gulping down a pot and a half of coffee, I slowly started coming to my senses and began tofeel the booze wearing off!!!!! Whoooooooaaaaaaaa!!!!!

Being that my post drinking hunger was occuring that morning, as opposed to the night before, and after pushing myself up off the floor, I somehow remembered Grill Em All wasn't gonna be that far away from me that afternoon!! So, I grabbed my wallet and off I went to see Grill Em All at a local park!!!!!

When I got there, they weren't quite open yet, but a substantial line had been forming with eaters waiting expectantly for the Grill Em All burgers made famous through not only their taste, but through their victory on The Great Food Truck Race!!!! Being that they weren't open, I had some time to look over the menu, strategize if you will, and figure out how I was going to best use up every last square inch of real estate in my devoid, alochol diluted stomach!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

One of the things I noticed is that food trucks, most all the gourmet food trucks that is, are kind of pricy!!!!! I mean, make a trip to the damn Wells Fargo ATM or take out a small loan before you visit one of these mobile food vendors because it's expensive!!!! But after looking at the menu, it was as if I was just walking back from the bars and anything greasy, salty, cheesy, or fatty sounded absolutely delicious and divine!!!!!!! I mean, grilled gourmet burgers?!?!?!?!?! I couldn't have picked a better time to visit the Grill Em All truck!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Eventually, I decided on the Witte (wit-e) which had cream cheese, deep fried bacon, beer sauteed onion, and a vinegar aioli!!!! This burger... was awesome!!!! There is something about cream cheese on burgers that is absolutely genious and simply put, works!!! I mean, it works like taking your kids cell phone away from them works when they talk back to you so as to teach them a lesson to never speak to their parents in a disrespectful way again!!!!! This was a beautiful hangover recovery burger!!!!! But, being that I was still walking back from the bars so to speak, I wasn't done!!!!!!! Next, I went for the Behemoth!!!!! This was I believe the largest and most expensive burger on their menu!!!!! The Behemoth consisted of grilled cheese sandwhiches that served as buns, cheddar cheese, bacon, beer soaked onions, pickles and bbq sauce!!!!!! When I first saw the Behemoth my first thought was, "this is so unnecessary and so over the top... But it's so ingenious!!!!!!!!!!!!" On both the Witte and Behemoth, the beef, bacon and beer soaked onions were absolutely extraordinary!!!!!! I mean, as I sat on my park bench eating my burgers, I kept saying to myself, "I can't tell if this is truth or dream!!! Am I actually experiencing this or is this a fantasy? Because if it's a dream, I never want to go back to reality!!!! Hold my breath as I wish for death!!! Please God wake me!!!!" Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! I mean, I could've just died in that moment and woken up at the gates of Heaven knowing full well that when I had exited light after sampling some of the finest fatty hangover prevention food in all of Los Angeles, I had lived life to the fullest with these burgers sitting in my gut!!!!!! These are absolutely brilliant burgers and it is not a surprise at all that they were the winners and champions of The Great Food Truck Race!!!!!! My advice to you, follow these guys on Twitter and whenever they are even remotely in your area, get your ass over to their master mobile eatery and take it to the face!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Grill Em All rocks, and even though I'm not a heavy metal guy, these burgers are worth whatever price you pay or drive you make!!!!! Do this place and eat hard!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Durango Diner: Cholesterol Laden Goodness!!!!!!

2012-02-20T10:23:00.005-08:00

So, I had stopped in Durango for a few days on my way back from Texas and decided I was going to make the drive from southwestern Colorado all the way back to Southern California in one shot... "That's one shot!!! That's one shot, Kid!!!!" - Ronnie from Jersey Shore, Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! I also was wanting to see the Meteor Crater just outside of Flagstaff!!!! Needless to say, it was going to be a long ass day of driving and I needed some serious strength to get me through my own personal miniature Gumball Rally!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
In walking up and down Main Ave. in downtown Durango I was struck by Durango Diner each time I passed it by!!!! It looked like an old school, mom and pop, down home diner that Durango locals would frequent!!!!! Hey if truck drivers driving cross country, cowboys preparing to handle multiple bails of hay for the day, and city workers shoveling salt and scooping snow out of the residential streets mash at this place, then it's good enough for me!!!!!! If Durango Diner can provide the amount of calories necessary for those fine folks to get them through their day, then hey, this greasy diner food can get me to Meteor Crater and ultimately back to So. Cal. in one shot!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
The morning of my drive I got up very early, like 5am, went down to Durango Diner, walked through the doors at 6am and took a seat at the counter!!!!! I was the only customer there and the guy who I think was the owner and his wife were there preparing for the day of serving the locals and tourists of Durango!!!!! The owner and his wife were super friendly and chill!!!!!! Like they were good quality people!!!!! We spoke of love, we spoke of life, we talked poetry... No no no no no no.... We talked about current events and made small talk!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
But the owner was like, "I'll make you whatever you want to eat!!!!" Yyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! After looking over the menu, I said to the guy I wanted an omelet with sausage, tomatoes, mushrooms, and onions with a bunch of cheese melted on top of and within the eggs!!!! He then asked me, "Do you want some chili verde on top of your omelet?!?!?!" In the words of the Kool-Aid pitcher from the 1980's, "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Yyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!" Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! The omelet came with a massive side of hash browns and toast!!!!! After I ordered my omlet I was like, "Hey, can I get an order of pancakes too?!?!?!?!" The guy was like, "Dude, I'll make you whatever you want, but just so you know, if you get an order of pancakes with this omelet... that's a lot of food!!!" After mulling it over for a little while and listening to my stomach and in the name of wanting to pace myself for the duration of the day, I decided to pass on the pancakes!!!! At 6am I'm just not as hungry as I usually am!!!!! Next time Durango Diner, next time I will demolish those pancakes like a failing hotel/casino on Las Vegas Blvd.!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
So, my breakfast was the omelet, hash browns and toast!!! Let me just say, this was a massive plate of food!!!!! It looked amazing, and being that it was coming from an old school locals diner, my omelet and hash browns looked incredibly appetizing!!!!! With half the plate covered in omelet doused in chili verde and the other filled with hash browns, I took the bottle of ketchup and made a generous puddle with that gluey-like, sugary tomato paste!!!! With every bite of my omelet topped with chili verde as well as every bite of my fried potatoes, I would mix them with my ketchup puddle and then deposit that grease laden, cholesterol rich breakfast food goodness into my face cavity with great joy!!!!!! The combination of eggs, cheese, sausage and veggies with grease, ketchup and chili-verde was nothing short of celestial!!!!! I pounded down that early morning grub like a miner pounds on a rock with a pick ax looking for nuggets of gold!!!!!! It was awesome!!!! When I had finished my food and I began to feel that grease settle in my belly, I almost walked back to my bed to take an early morning nap!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! But I didn't!!!! I proceeded to slam multiple cups of coffee and the caffeine helped get the blood flowing through my veins for the long drive I had ahead!!!!
Overall, I really enjoyed Durango Diner!!!!! If I'm ever back in Durango I will be back and perhaps stop by in the afternoon to grab a burger or one of their other typical diner plates!!!!!! This place is old school and it's awesome!!!!! When in Durango, do this place!!!! You may need to spend the day mountain biking, hiking, or skiing to burn off all the calories, but hey, it'll be well worth it!!!!! Oh and just so you know, I made it to Meteor Crater and it was so cool!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

Homeslice Pizza: It's 4:20 Somewhere!!!!!

2012-02-18T11:56:00.005-08:00

When I arrived in Durango, I was under the impression that it would be a town filled with hillbillies, cowboys, and those guys that wear plaid button down shirts tucked in to their dark blue Wranglers with bright orange trucker hats and those massive belt buckles with some ridiculous saying or tacky artistry!!!! Well, Durango does indeed have that particular element to it!!! However, one of the huge surprises I encountered upon spending a few days in this historic southwestern Colorado mountain town, is that Durango is no doubt one of the crunchiest cities I have ever been to!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Berkeley California, Eugene Oregon, Humboldt and now.... Durango Colorado!!!! Oh yes indeed, Durango, Colorado belongs in the conversation when talking about cities filled with the most Cruchy Groovers per capita!!!! I don't know if there's any sort of official demographic or statistic regarding cruchy groovers, but everywhere I looked in Durango there was some dude or chick with freshly burned dreads wearing a nose ring with glassy eyes glaring into nothingness due to the potent Moroccan hashish they likely blazed down just a few moments earlier!!!!! My guess is that Durango would be in a high percentile nationally in regards to crunchy groovers!!! Oh, and the crunchy groover women would wear these baggy jeans underneath retro sundresses made in the 70's that were probably bought at some run down thrift store while they would give off this God-awful earthy homeless scent likely due to not showering for an extended period of time!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Don't get me wrong, I love crunchy groovers with their earthiness and care-free attitude!!!!!! It was a welcome surprise for me as I arrived in Durango and thought I would be surrounded by nothing but red-necked mountain trash all week!!!!!!
Now, when I was walking down College Dr. one day, I noticed Homeslice Pizza!!! There were a couple of things that made Homeslice stand out to me!!!!! Number one was its appearence: given the building it was in (which looked like a house that somebody probably lived in at some point), the design of the patio with branches wrapping around their wooden deck, and the crunchy groovers loitering out in front, it stuck out to me as a very intriguing and unique looking pizza place!!! The second thing I noticed was that it was directly next door to a neighborhood pot dispensary!!!!!!!!! Not even kidding!!!!! No wonder why there were some many crunchy groovers hanging around!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! After you get your bags of ganja from the dispensary next door and smoke a few bowls, you get the munchies, right?!?!?!?!?!?! And what better way to assuage your cannabis induced appetite than smashing down a large pizza from Homeslice?!?!?!?!?! What an absolutely brilliant marketing strategy by Homeslice Pizza!!!!! Absolutely and utterly genius!!!!!!!!
Look, I'm not a crunchy groover and I don't smoke weed, but after walking by Homeslice Pizza a couple of times, I just had to try it (the pizza that is)!!! When I walked through the doors the interior had a very artsy, progressive feel to it!!! And not surprisingly, there were some crunchy groovers gathered around a table in a corner downing multiple slices of pie as well as a crunchy groove girl working behind the counter taking orders!!!!
On the night I visited Homeslice I went for a 16" with half pepperoni, garlic, and jalepeno, and the other half with sausage, mushroom, and tomato!!!! When my pie came out of the oven, I took it back to where I was staying and proceeded to annihilate every last bite of my Homeslice pizza!!!!! This was a beautiful beautiful pizza!!!! The toppings were of a high quality and incredibly fresh, while the crust was absolutely perfect!!!! The crust had a nice crunch on the outside and was soft in the middle which made it easy to consume!!! Hey, something just occured to me, the pizza at Homeslice is a lot like a crunchy groover: crunchy on the outside, but when you talk with them and get to know them, they are kind hearted people!!!! Soft, if you will!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Also, they used just the right amount of sauce!!! Not too much, but not too little!!!!!
Homeslice Pizza puts out transcendent doughy pizza goodness that has the capability to send all those who eat it into another reality!!!! Oh wait, that might be the THC running through your system!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! But Homeslice is damn good food and perhaps can serve as an alternative to pot smokers who are looking for that powerful buzz in life!!!! .... Probably not though!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
It seems to me that there are some businesses in this country that are recession proof that there will always be a market for: the funeral business, the wedding business, the prom business, and.... pizza restaurants right next door to pot dispensaries!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Brilliant business savvy, Homeslice, brilliant I say!!!!!!
If you're ever in Durango be sure to make your way over to Homeslice Pizza!!!!! This is quality pizza made by crunchy groovers for crunchy groovers!!!! And who better knows what it takes to satisfy hunger than a crunchy groover?!?!?!?!?! .... Nobody!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! I loved my visit to Homeslice!!!!!! When in Durango, do this place!!!!!!! And and and and... if you can get a prescription for, I don't know.... glaucoma or something, it might make your visit to Homeslice that much better!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! I love you Homeslice!!! Do this place!!!!

Old Tymer's Cafe: Who Is This That Beckons Me?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

2012-02-09T18:33:00.000-08:00

In Durango, Colorado, it get's pretty g-damn cold!!! Especially when the sun sets behind the caps of the San Juan Mountains at about 5pm!!!! Shesus it gets cold!!! And when the wind starts to blow, forget about it!!!!! But as I walked up and down Main Ave. with my heavy jacket on with multiple layers underneath, a wool cap insulating my head, and an alpaca scarf wrapped around my neck, my cheeks were turning red and my legs began to go numb!! I mean, it gets damn freezing in Colorado this time of year!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! One of the things that I've found, is that when it gets really really cold outside, like ass cold, my stomach starts to sound like a Grizzly Bear snarling and squeezing the life out of an Alaskan Salmon trying to work its way upstream!!!!! As my wife and I were walking along Main Ave., with hands numb and snot frozen to the insides of our nostrels, I smelled the wondrous redolent odor of hamburger beef coming from a restaurant sitting on the corner of Main and 10th!!!!! This wondrous odor of sizzling cow I speak of was emanating from none other than Olde Tymer's Cafe!!!!!!! This burger from Olde Tymer's was calling me, it beckoned me, it knew my name and seemed to beg for me to enter into the doors of the Olde Tymer's Cafe and rescue it from the oppressive hell of the Olde Tymer's Kitchen and deliver it into the sheltered, warm sanctuary of my mouth and stomach!!!! I'm coming Olde Tymer's burger!!!!! I'm coming for you!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Seriously though, the combination of frigid mountain air coupled with a numb face and the scent of charred beef escaping into the freezing Colorado winds leaves one violated when it comes to their free will!!!! When you smell that smell, you unalterably have no choice but to say, "I'm coming for you!!!!!!!!! I'm coming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
When we walked into the doors of the Olde Tymer's Cafe and felt the warm air of the restaurants furnace strike our brisk shivering bodies, I immediately began to feel like a frozen Foster Farms chicken being defrosted in the microwave!!!!! The chills and numbness instantly began to wear off and I could feel melted snot rolling down on to the top of my lip!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! I know, that's gross!!! Anyway, we noticed all the tables were full, but the bar was free so we headed for a couple of empty stools and took a seat!!! When we sat down I noticed a glorious surprise!!!! It was happy hour and they had Blue Moons for $2.75 a pint and Nacho's for $3.50 a plate!!!!! Would I like to experience the happy hour deal?!?!?! Uh, yes please!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Man, when they brought us those Blue Moon's, I slammed that orange flavored brew down like Tom Hanks slammed down coconut milk on that deserted island in the movie Cast Away!!!!!! After pint number one, I then began to feel a new numbness running through my body, but this numbness wasn't from the below freezing temperature outside!!! You know what I mean?!?!?!?! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaha!!!!!
Soon they brought us our plate of nachos, and man were they good!! Plenty of gooey melted cheese, spicy jalapenos, and a cup of salsa that complimented the nachos nicely!!! Nacho's and beer are good, but when it's colder than Rush Limbaugh's heart outside and you're paying happy hour prices, the food and drink at Ole Tymer's seemed unparalleled!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Once the nacho plate was left with nothing but tortilla chip crumbs and grease and once we were well into pint number two with our companions of Blue Moon, out they came.... The Olde Tymer's Burger!!!!!!! I think it came on an onion bun and it had melted cheddar cheese, lettuce, tomato, onion, and pickle!!!!! You could see the heat rising from the meat patty and each time somebody opened the front door of the restaurant and we were reminded of the brisk mountain air that was outside awaiting us upon our departure, the burger seemed to smell and look that much more appetizing!!!!!! When I compiled all of my burger components together and gave my Olde Tymer's Burger a healthy dose of ketchup, I pushed that hot and juicy sandwich towards my face and the moment it hit my lips, I knew what real pleasure and real living was all about when it comes to human existence!! I mean I knew pleasure and living at that moment the same way King David knew Bathsheba that fateful night he was walking around the roof of his palace!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Let's just say my burger and I became familiar!!!! The Olde Tymer's Burger and The Olde Tymer's Cafe, is a truly excellent and quality burger!!!!! And the fries!!! Don't let me end this review without mentioning the fries!!!! The way they are fried and the seasoning that are put on them makes them taste like potato cakes of the most succulent and beautiful kind!!!! These fries are amazing and they complimented the burger and Blue Moon so so well!!!!!!
Whether you're going to Durango to ski, hike, mountain bike, shop, see Mesa Verde, or just sit in a bar and sample multiple brilliant Colorado microbrews, you've got to stop by Olde Tymer's Cafe!!!! Excellent food and you cannot beat the happy hour!!!! At least compared to what you'll find in Southern California!!!!! Hit this place and hit it hard!!!! You can get a lot of food for not that much money!!!!! Do it now!!!!! It's awesome!!!! Yeaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

Salsa Brava: People Like to Say "Salsa!!!!!!!!!!!!"

2012-02-05T12:28:00.000-08:00

In spending the day in Flagstaff, I knew that I would visit Salsa Brava on Route 66, as I saw on TV that Guy Fieri dropped by here and raved about the Stuffed Sopapilla this place puts out!!!! When I was watching them prepare the Sopapilla on DDD, I got up off my couch, took a few steps toward the TV, pointed my index finger at the screen and said, "Oh, I'm doing that place, baby!!!! No if's and's or but's!!!!!!" My wife then told me to sit down...
Anyway, what I saw on TV that night was one of the most delicious looking, meat encrusted, pieces of Mexican Food that I have ever laid eyes on.... EVER!!!!! Is a Sopapilla Mexican, Tex-Mex, or something else?!?!?! I don't know and I don't care!!!!! All I knew after watching G. Fieri in the kitchen at Salsa Brava that night, was that I needed a Sopapilla and I would stop at absolutely nothing to have one!!!!!!! I mean, I almost got in the g-damn car right then and there to drive to Flagstaff to go get me one!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!! But I didn't!!! I took a milligram of Xanax to get my mind off of it...
OK, so while I was driving along I-40 towards Flagstaff, knowing that the Stuffed Sopapilla was in reach, I'm sure I broke several speeding laws in both California and Arizona!!!! But I didn't care!!!! If getting my Sopapilla sooner rather than later meant paying a hefty fine by a highway patrolman, then so be it!!!!! It would be well worth it!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Jesus God, I thought of that one astronaut who wore diapers so she could drive without stopping to see that guy she was in love with in Florida!!!!!! Remember that story?!?!?! That could've been me for God's sake!!!! It absolutely could've been me!!!! But it wasn't a person I was in love with, it was a Sopapilla!!! However, I refrained from the diaper route and made pit stops when I had to!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
When I finally got to Flagstaff, the first place I went to, before checking in to my hotel, was Salsa Brava!!!! In pulling into the parking lot, it was practically empty!!!! A good sign for me as I didn't want to wait and I wanted my Stuffed Sopapilla as soon as humanly g-damn possible!!!!!!!! I walked in, took a seat at a booth and didn't even look at the menu!!!!! Didn't even look!!!! When the waiter came by, a nice young man who was a student at Northern Arizona University, I simply told him: "Give me the Stuffed Sopapilla!!!!!!!!!!!" I actually wasn't that rude to the guy, but I was incredibly eager decimate this thing as my anticipation for the Stuffed Sopapilla was greater than a pre-millenialist Christians waiting for Jesus to return at the rapture!!!!! I got mine with carne asada and chile-verde sauce!! Hey, I'm in the Southwest!!! Gotta go for the green chile-verde sauce, right?!?!?!?!?! Right?!?!?!?! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
As I placed my order, the waiter mentioned to me that among other things, Salsa Brava is known for their Salsa Bar. Cool!! He brought me out a basket of chips and encouraged me to sample their different salsa's while munching on chips and waiting for my Sopapilla!!!!! I can't remember, but I think they had like 5 or 6 different types of salsa!!! I got like 3 or 4 of the different salsas, and to be quite honest with you, the salsa's were nothing special!!! They weren't bad, but being from Southern California, I've had many salsa's that are much better!!! I'm not hating, their salsa is fine!!! Just saying I've had better salsa on many different occasions!!!! After pushing through about 3 baskets of chips, the moment of truth came!!! My Stuffed Sopapilla was brought out and served to me!!!!! With every square inch of that plate covered with food, I swear to God I felt like John Travolta in the movie Pulp Fiction when he opens up that case and takes a glimpse at the mysterious object he had been paid money to kill all those college kids for!!! It was like this golden reflection was shining on to my face and I couldn't take my eyes off of it!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! My first look at the Stuffed Sopapilla was.... Glorious!!!!!!!! I just wanted to have a private moment with my food!!! So much had been built up for this meal, this food, this day!!!!! I just needed to soak it in and remember....
When I bit in to the Stuffed Sopapilla it was absolutely magnificent!!! The fried dough was simply brilliant!!! I have no other word to describe it other than brilliant!!!!! And the carne asada was excellent too!!! The carne asada had a certain gaminess to it, but with the meat combined with the crispy golden dough along with the chile verde sauce, melted cheese, beans, and sour cream, it was more genius and significant then the contributions Stephen Hawking has made to the world of Physics and Mathemeatics combined!!!!! I don't regret that statement!!!!! I don't regret it at all!!!!!!!!! Along with the Stuffed Sopapilla they give you a side of rice and refried beans... They were fine...
Needless to say, the star of the show was the Stuffed Sopapilla!!! I've gotta be honest, I was a little skeptical of the Mexican food of northern Arizona. Whereas it still probably is not up to the standards of what you'll find in Southern California, this Stuffed Sopapilla at Salsa Brava could stand next to any Mexican dish in the g-damn universe!!!!! That's truth!!!! I don't know how much more strongly I can emphasize to you that when in Flagstaff, you must try the Stuffed Sopapilla at Salsa Brava!!!! It's an experience you will surely share with your grandchildren one day!!! I know I'll share my day at Salsa Brava with my grand kids and maybe the story of my meal there will be passed down through generation upon generation in my family!!!! This place is legendary!!!! Do this place and do it hard!!! You won't regret it!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!