Eat Your Feelings

The I Love America Diet

2012-01-30T13:45:00.000-05:00

Dear Reader,

It should be obvious that there is little I love more than a weird cookbook. After all, I wrote one myself. I have one that I have been meaning to share with you. I bought it at a bookstore in Ithaca, New York, and it is from the mind of the one and only Phyllis Diller. No just kidding. That would be really awesome. This one is from Phyllis George. It's called the I <3 America Diet. The premise behind this patriotic cookbook is that if you really love America you won't be a lardass. America needs skinny citizens, not only to look good, but fatties cost too much

Here is what Phyllis recommends a woman eat in an average day, in effort to "reduce."

BREAKFAST:

1 medium orange

1 medium egg, scrambled

1 small bagel, with

1 tsp. margarine, soft

1 cup skim milk, fortified

coffee, tea or water

LUNCH:

(You can brown-paper-bag this one)

1 cup tomato juice, preferably with no salt added

1 salmon salad, consisting of:

2 ounces canned salmon, packed in water, served on a platter, with

1 1/2 cups combined Romaine lettuce, watercress and sliced radishes, and

2 teaspoons Italian dressing

2 slices whole-wheat bread

1/4 medium cantaloupe

coffee, tea or water

DINNER:

1 cup fresh fruit cup (suggested ingredients: slices of banana and apple, grapes and orange sections)

3 oz. roast chicken, preferably white meat

1/2 cup lima beans, fresh

1/2 cup spaghetti, enriched, with tomato sauce

1 1-inch cube natural Swiss cheese

coffee, tea or water

SNACKS:

1/2 cup broccoli, cooked or raw

1/2 cup cauliflower, cooked or raw

First, that's one mighty big brown paper bag she brings her lunch in. Ms. George may have servants to rinse off her platters, but the rest of us have to make do on our own. Second, if I ate like that I would be as big as a house.

There was one nugget in this book that I found extremely enlightening. You know how people are always saying we should eat slowly? I've always taken that to mean chewing slowly, which is kind of disgusting. Phyllis advises, "Bring your food to your mouth slowly. Count 1-2-3 from plate to mouth. You'll soon forget you ever shoveled it in at high speed. Your dining partners will appreciate the change to a more graceful you." I'm absolutely sure my dining partners would appreciate a more graceful me. I'll try this one at home!

Here are some more of Phyllis' pearls of wisdom:

* When you dine with thin people, observe how much faster you finish your meal than they do.
       This is especially true if your thin companion is going to the bathroom to vomit between courses.
* Bring a mirror to the table and watch yourself eat.
   If you want to look like a total idiot, this is a great idea.
* If you have a motion-picture camera or a video recorder, take pictures of yourself eating. You may not smile when you see yourself on candid camera.
Andy Warhol did this. He ate very slowly.

* Eat with your knife, fork and spoon - never with your hands. That applies when you eat anything - a sandwich, a slice of bread, a roll or a piece of fruit.
   Again, a good idea if what you're really after is to look like an idiot, carving up your strawberry with a knife and fork. Paging George Costanza.
* Put only one kind of food in your mouth at a time. Not steak, potatoes and onions in one mouthful. But one mouthful of steak. One mouthful of potatoes. One mouthful of onions. That's three mouthfuls instead of one, and that takes three times longer to consume.
      Does she suggest you deconstruct your sandwich before eating? I'm highly opposed to that idea. Especially if you then have to eat it with a spoon.

I want to leave you with a recipe from Phyllis George, and as it is Monday I will advocate for Meatless Mondays and pass on her "Frank Kebabs" (yes, hot dog kebabs are good for America) and "Oriental Beef." Enjoy.

PHYLLIS GEORGE'S VEGETABLE NUT LOAF

You will need:

Wheat germ, unsweetened
1 cup chopped carrots
1 cup chopped celery
1/2 cup chopped onion
1/4 cup butter or margarine
1/4 cup flour
1 tsp. salt
1/8 tsp. pepper
1/4 tsp. thyme
1 1/2 cups milk
1 cup natural cheddar cheese, shredded
1 cup walnuts
3/4 cup wheat germ, unsweetened
3 eggs, slightly beaten

1. Preheat oven to 350.

2. Grease 8x8x2-inch baking pan. Coat with wheat germ.

3. Cook vegetables in fat until onion is tender.

4. Stir in flour, salt, pepper and thyme. Stir in milk. Cook and stir over moderate heat until thick.

5. Stir in cheese, nuts and 3/4 cup wheat germ. Add eggs.

6. Pour into baking pan.

7. Bake about 40 minutes or until well browned and firm.

8. Let stand a few minutes; cut into serving-size pieces.

Egged in the Head Chocolate Chiffon Pie

2012-01-27T10:18:00.002-05:00

Dear Reader,

You know how sometimes you're standing outside your house, talking to the fishmonger, and some neighborhood yahoos drive by and hurl a bunch of eggs and one orange at you? No? Well my friend Sophia does. This chocolate chiffon pie is for her. She needs it. So much for "jolly old England."

Egged in the Head Chocolate Chiffon Pie

You will need:

Eggs
Graham crackers
Sugar
Butter
Gelatin
Unsweetened chocolate
Vanilla
Salt
Cream of tartar
Heavy Cream
Sugar
Dark Chocolate

The first thing to do is help up the poor fishmonger, then place a really large order for fish just to get him out of there. Then scoop up whatever eggs you can find and bring them in the house. From your ear remove one egg yolk and reserve. In a food processor, whiz up graham crackers to make 1 1/2 cups crumbs. Mix these with 2 Tbs. sugar and 5 Tbs. melted butter, which you can easily melt right in your hand because you're boiling mad. Press mixture into a 9 inch tart pan and bake for 10 minutes at 375. Look out the window to see if the kids are back. Place at the ready four eggs, so that the minute you see them you can retaliate. Fashion an egg slingshot from a heavy rubber band and salad servers to maximize both velocity and trajectory.

Pour gelatin over 1/4 cup water, and let stand for 5 minutes while you go look for that orange. Heat 2/3 cup heavy cream in a sauce pot until simmering, then take off the heat and add 2 oz. unsweetened chocolate and 1/4 tsp. vanilla, stirring till the chocolate is nicely melted like the egg running down your back. Whisk in the gelatin.

Scoop up two more yolks and beat these with the one from your ear and 1/2 cup sugar and a pinch of salt. Slowly add in the chocolate mixture, beating as you would like to beat those egg thugs. Cover with plastic wrap and chill for fifteen minutes while you take a shower.

Beat the egg whites and 1/4 tsp. cream of tartar until you have formed soft peaks. Add 1/4 cup sugar. Beat the chocolate mixture for a minute just to feel better, and then fold the egg whites into it. Pour the whole thing into the pie crust. Beat one cup heavy cream with 2 1/2 Tbs. confectioners sugar slather over the top of the pie. Grate dark chocolate over the top and sprinkle on some zest from that orange.

Chill for two hours. Place remaining eggs from carton in pockets of jackets, should you see hooligans whilst out and about. If they are with their mother, make sure you have an egg to toss at her as well.

Phew.

2012-01-23T14:46:00.000-05:00

Boy am I glad that's over! Who knew that Central Park had alps in the northwest corner?! Here are a few photos from Saturday morning when I was a long distance runner.

7 AM, trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do with these orange tags. Turns out they go on your shoe.

In a cab, freaking out because of the doom and gloom coming from the sky.

At the park. Other runners heading for the starting line. Are they faster than me? Will they notice that I'm wearing sandwich bags over my socks to try and keep my feet dry?

Everybody ready for the race to begin. At this point I'm freezing from standing around in the snow and am looking forward to running just to get warm.

I didn't stop for water here. Mostly because I was afraid that if I drank water I'd pee in my pants.

For some reason I kept finding myself behind these two guys.

Close up of the conditions - everyone was sliding around with each step. I've never prayed so hard for a stinking snow plow. It never came. Needless to say my ankles are still aching.

These dudes again. Nice pom pom.

I got a little choked up at this marker, but not so much that I couldn't snap a quick picture and send to Facebook. Priorities.

Yahoo. I took this photo after I had finished, gotten the freebie apple as well as a delicious Gatorade, then walked back around to photograph the finish line, so this does not accurately reflect my time. Just so you know.

Hobbling out of the park, shivering because I was sweaty and without a proper jacket in the middle of a snowy park, and what happens? This bozo on the bike stops me to take a picture of him in front of the Dakota. Actually he wanted me to take two. Tourists.

Sandwich bags no help whatsoever.

Not only did I consume a whole loaf of French Toast, a few hours later I had this bad boy lasagna. Yes, that is the Garfield-sized piece I ate.

Now that my legs have stopped shaking, and my hip flexors can move again, and my knees are less creaky, and my ankles are only hurting a lot instead of a whole hell of a lot, I can say that this was an awesome experience. It did occur to me that if I were running a whole marathon, I would have to turn around and run the damn thing again, a feat which for the moment seems impossible.

But never say never.

Running on a Fantasy of French Toast

2012-01-20T17:42:00.000-05:00

Dear Reader,

Tomorrow morning I will rise before the sun, don layers of something called "Capilene" and fleece, as well as sneakers, and set off for Central Park where I will run for somewhere around two hours. It is the Manhattan Half Marathon, and something possessed me to sign up for it. My goals are twofold: to finish, and to leave my pants unsoiled in the process. I've been working my way up to running 13 miles, so I should be able to make it, fueled by thoughts of the massive He Man breakfast I will devour when I'm done. Think of me tomorrow, as it will be snowing here in NYC and I will surely be freezing. I just hope I get some sort of medal that I can wear as an everyday accessory, perhaps pinned to the front of a turban.

What feast will be the subject of my race day imagination? Fitness Test French Toast, of course - great slabs of brioche soaked in a custard of egg, milk, vanilla, and cinnamon, griddled to a golden brown perfection in a butter-laden skillet and topped with apples simmered in more butter (don't give me any Paula Deen crap - I will have run 13.1 miles and I bet Mrs. Deen can't even drive that far without needing a breather) and brown sugar, then anointed with a generous pour of maple syrup. Oh yeah, and sausage. There will be sausage.

Wish me luck.

Fancy French Cuisine for Ass Kickers

2012-01-06T12:10:00.001-05:00

Dear Reader,

You know how sometimes after the New Year, you think everything's going to be different, everything is going to be better, this is going to be my year goddammit! And then it's not? Well that's not going to happen this time, baby! Because this is your year! And to celebrate we are going to have something a little fancy, well, maybe not exactly "fancy" but definitely French. You deserve it for all the ass kicking you're about to do in 2012. Enjoy.

Fancy French Cuisine for Ass Kickers

You will need:

4 Chicken breasts, cubed, or other proteinish substance
Olive oil
1 onion
Garlic
2 carrots
12 fingerling potatoes, sliced
1/2 pound sliced mushrooms
Pinot Noir
1 Tbs. Herbs de Provence
Tomato Paste
Bay leaf

First thing you need to do is put on some music to suit your awesomeness. Here's what I suggest, but feel free to use your incredible and vast imagination.

Next, place onions, carrots, potatoes, garlic, herbs, bay leaf, and chicken into a large bowl. Pour wine over all to marinate for about an hour. Meanwhile look into the mirror and admire your glowing confidence. Take a picture while you're at it because friends and family are going to want to see your gorgeous face. Everything that you want is going to happen for you - and soon!

Strain the chicken and vegetables, saving the marinade. Heat a large skillet with some olive oil, and toss in the chicken and things, stirring them around until they are brown and as awesome as you. Add a spoonful of tomato paste, and stir for a minute, then add the wine and mushrooms. Simmer until the sauce has reduced to a silky goodness. Season with salt and pepper and then eat either on mashed potatoes, rice, pasta or pureed cauliflower, making sure to share with others so that they will be able to admire your culinary superiority, because you rock.

Mother of the Year Cookies

2011-12-15T13:05:00.000-05:00

Dear Reader,

I have told you before about my friend Claire who is a superstar baker. Recently she told me of a cookie that was so light, so delicious, and so guilt-free - just 1 Weight Watchers point, and that sent me into a complete tizzy, because I've have lost almost twenty pounds on Weight Watchers. TWENTY POUNDS. Here are some things that weigh twenty pounds:

Anyhow, I had to have one of Claire's cookies, and I did - for breakfast. It was a meringue, chocolatey, crunchy, chewy and so damn good that I had to eat while carefully holding my hand under the cookie because I wasn't going to waste a crumb.

Claire's perfect meringue.

Claire told me the recipe is from Giada De Laurentiis, so I looked it up and made them myself. I couldn't get them quite as chewy inside as Claire who claimed that she used magic to make them. I was also too lazy to use a pastry bag, so I sort of glopped them on the cookie sheet, and I ran out of vanilla, so used almond extract, but let me tell you, they were delicious.

My gloppy meringues.

I went a little meringue crazy and made peppermint chocolate chip meringues the following day, and for those puppies I did use the pastry bag, as it was absolutely imperative that I dot red food coloring around the meringue so that when it was piped out it looked like a candy cane. You understand.

If that weren't enough, I made chocolate cookies the day AFTER THAT. They aren't quite one point, probably three, but they're worth it. I think I've aptly titled them. Enjoy.

Mother of the Year Cookies

You will need:

12 oz. chocolate chips
3/4 cup flour
1/4 tsp. cinnamon
1/2 tsp. baking powder
1/4 tsp. salt
1/4 cup butter, softened
1/2 cup sugar
1/4 cup brown sugar
2 eggs
2 tsp. vanilla
little bit more salt

Melt 2/3 of your chocolate either in a double boiler if you're a masochist, or in the microwave if you're a normal person. Mix together the flour, cinnamon, baking powder and salt in a small bowl. Pack down that brown sugar (but good!), and beat it with the other sugar and the butter in a larger bowl. Add the melted chocolate and beat again. Then mix in the flour stuff on low speed until it's blended. Stir in the remaining chocolate chips and drop onto a parchment covered baking sheet and sprinkle with just a tiny bit more salt. It's not necessary to actually count the crystals, but don't add more than, say, ten per cookie. Bake at 375 for 8 minutes until they are set.

It's My Birthday! Hooray!

2011-11-30T09:17:00.000-05:00

Dear Reader,

It's my birthday again which means that we'll all celebrate with the traditional sleeping late, eating of pancakes and drinking of champagne all day. Wait... You don't get the day off for my birthday? Write to your congressperson or someone!

This morning my kids gave me some lovely birthday letters in which they said both,

"I hope you have a happy birthday, you know why? Because I love you!!!!"

AND

"In my opinion, every year you become a better mother, meaning when you were one, you were a terrible mother. But now, I don't think you could get any better."

This blog is called Eat Your Feelings, and today I feel pretty good, so what will I eat? Sushi and cake of course. It's not everyday a girl turns forty.

My birthday gift to you is this collection of songs from the year I was born, written of course, in honor of my birth. Enjoy!

You WILL Please Everyone Perfect Get Stuffed Stuffing

2011-11-23T14:18:00.000-05:00

Dear Reader,

Playing host at Thanksgiving is fraught with many challenges, not least of which is stuffing. Everyone has their own particular idea of what ingredients should be involved in a successful stuffing, and Thanksgiving is really all about the stuffing. God forbid you leave out the chestnuts, or throw in some diced apples, it will be your head on a platter covered with cranberry sauce. Better make sure to cover your bases.

You WILL Please Everyone Perfect Get Stuffed Stuffing

You will need:

Bread
Two onions, chopped
Four ribs celery, chopped
1/2 lb crimini mushrooms, sliced
1 Tbs. dried sage
1 1/2 tsp. dried rosemary
1 tsp. dried savory
1/2 cups vegetable stock
1 stick butter
14 oz. jar chestnuts
2 soy sausages, such as Field Roast Apple Sage
1/2 cup chopped parsley
1 Granny Smith apple, peeled, cored and chopped

Cube the bread. This is very important, as you absolutely must include some cornbread for Aunt Betsy who is from Iowa and will be mortally offended if there is not corn in every dish on the buffet. Also use other breads, such as whole wheat, sourdough, french and a touch of pumpernickel for diversity. Toast the bread in the oven until it is as dried out as Grandma. You should have six cups of bread cubes.

Melt butter in a large skillet and add onions, celery, mushrooms and herbs. Remember that your cousin Fred married that girl who mentioned her mother puts oysters in her stuffing, and decide you're okay with her not speaking to you. Cook vegetables until they are soft and the house smells like Thanksgiving. Chop the chestnuts into small enough pieces that your brother won't recognize them, but your mother-in-law will wax rhapsodic about her youth in the Lake District.

Mix the vegetables with the bread, and chop and fry your sausage. It is important to use soy sausage as the stuffing will be pretty much the only thing your sister and her vegetarian family from Vermont will be able to eat. Do not omit the sausage, as weird Uncle Tommy, who has finally emerged from the basement after all these years, will turn right around if there isn't some porky thing involved here. Any vegans can suck it. Saute the apple with the sausage, and then add it to the other things. Pour on vegetable stock, parsley and mix it all together, trying not to eat it all yourself before your guests arrive.

Spread into a greased 13x9 baking dish, cover with foil and bake for 20 minutes, before dumping it on the buffet and screaming, "THERE YOU GO! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? ARE YOU? OH GOOD. I'M SO GLAD. I'M SO THANKFUL THAT YOU'RE HAPPY." Go to basement and help yourself to Uncle Tommy's secret moonshine stash. Don't come out until Monday.

Edward Cullen's Pumpkin Pie

2011-11-22T14:48:00.000-05:00

Dear Reader,

As I finish the preparations for Thanksgiving, I am of course wondering, what would Edward Cullen enjoy in the way of desserts? Of course, Edward hasn't eaten anything since 1918, but we are all nostagic for the food of our youth, so I turned to The Century Cookbook, published the very year Edward was born, 1901, to bring you this tasty treat.

Edward Cullen's Pumpkin Pie

Ingredients

1 pumpkin
2 cupfuls of milk
1 teaspoonful of salt
1 teaspoonful of butter
1 teaspoonful of cinnamon
1 teaspoonful of ginger
1 tablespoonful of molasses
2 eggs
sugar

Instructions

Cut a pumpkin into small pieces; remove the soft part and seeds. Cover and cook it slowly in its own steam until tender; then remove the cover and reduce it almost to dryness, using care that it does not burn. Press it through a colander. To two and one half cupfuls of pulp add the milk, salt, butter, cinnamon, ginger, molasses, eggs, and sugar to taste. Add the beaten eggs last and after the mixture is cold. Pour it into an open crust and bake slowly forty to fifty minutes. Squash pies are made in the same way, but are not the same in flavor, although they are often given the name of pumpkin pies.

You can serve this after Thanksgiving dinner, and nobody has to know that you are fantasizing about Edward Cullen eating your pie.

Caramel Apple Pie For When You've Got Something to Prove

2011-11-22T13:47:00.000-05:00

Dear Reader,

A few weeks ago I had dinner at my friend Claire's house. Claire is an amazing cook, so we were all looking forward to a delicious dinner, which we had. But then for dessert, she brought out these little caramel cookies. She had cut them really small so they were almost like petit fours, and I didn't feel at all guilty devouring about six or seven of those bad boys. I tried to take a picture, but they were gone so quickly - kids hovering over the plate, grownups swatting away tiny hands - this was all I could manage.

The recipe for those cookies is from Martha Stewart, and if you're going to someone's house for Thanksgiving, you might want to make some of these to bring along. They are amazing. Today I have the house to myself and thought I'd get a jump on Thanksgiving and make an apple pie. Easy enough. But how about if I incorporated some of Claire's amazing caramel into the pie? Ooh la la, right? Claire warned me that making caramel is a tricky business, and I'd never tried it, but I thought I could handle it. So I put on the Breaking Dawn soundtrack, threw some sugar and butter into a pan, and this happened:

Totally not caramel.

I decided to look around for someone to teach me how to make caramel, and lo and behold, I found Gordon Ramsay!

Elsewhere on the internets, I learned that caramel is best made in a heavy bottomed pan, so I dug out my trusty cast iron skillet, and I sprinkled in some sugar.

One cup of sugar sitting in a pan.

Starting to melt and turn caramelly.

I went and effed it up. I could hear Gordon Ramsay's voice in my head, "No! What have you done, you donkey?" I put away my spoon. Would I have the confidence to let it go really nice and dark?

Yes!

Now I added some butter - 6 Tbs. Let that melt, then poured in half a cup of cream, which you can see in this photo, at the ready.

Here is my pie crust waiting to happen. In my food processor I have 2 cups of flour, 10 tbs. butter, 1/3 cup sugar, and the zest of one lemon. WHIZ! Then add 2 egg yolks and a little water.

Rolled out dough.

If the dough doesn't fit perfectly, nobody will know unless you take photos and put them on the Internets.

I love this little contraption. Caroline Ingalls would be consumed with jealousy if she saw mine.

I mixed the apples with a little lemon, sugar and then drizzled on the caramel. I didn't go too crazy with it, figuring that it would lend a nice goo to the pie, and I could serve extra caramel, warmed up over ice cream to go on the side. That's how I roll.

Estranged Family Cranberry Sauce

2011-11-21T15:15:00.002-05:00

Dear Reader,

In every family there exists one person that someone else isn't speaking to for one reason or another. Perhaps that person stole their boyfriend, cut up their prom dress, or just never repaid that $5.47 they borrowed for a milk shake at the beach back in 1998. Maybe you are the person who is harboring the grudge. Maybe you stormed out of their house, never looked back, and can't remember why you were mad in the first place, but now so much time has passed that even though they are no longer really upset, you have manufactured in your mind an injustice done to you which justifies your anger, even though the longer you go on not speaking the more awkward it is for your entire family. Whatever. Everyone needs cranberry sauce.

Estranged Family Cranberry Sauce

You will need:

12 oz. cranberries
2 oranges
1 cinnamon stick
2/3 cup brown sugar
1/3 cup sugar
Apple Jack or other brandy

Remove zest from oranges using the handy zester that sits patiently in your drawer all year waiting for Thanksgiving. If you don't have a zester, wish that you were speaking to your sister because she has one and would probably let you borrow it if only you were talking to her. Squeeze oranges over a bowl to extract juice and release some of the tension that sits between your shoulders from carrying grudges. Pour juice, zest and cranberries into a saucepan over medium heat. Add one cinnamon stick to the pot - do not use the stick that's been up your ass. That one should go in the garbage. Add sugars, both brown and white, which can live side by side harmoniously in your cupboard in spite of their differences. Add a swig of Apple Jack to the pot, and then have a swig yourself. Stir until all cranberries have popped, and the sauce is glistening and gooey like families are supposed to be at the holidays.

You Ate All the Halloween Candy After the Kids Went to Bed Linguini with Peanut Sauce

2011-11-01T14:26:00.000-04:00

Dear Reader,

This one speaks for itself. Oof.

You Ate All the Halloween Candy After the Kids Went to Bed Linguini with Peanut Sauce

You will need:

Candy
Linguini
Peanut Butter
Apple cider vinegar
Garlic
Soy sauce
Crushed Red Pepper
Weight Watchers Membership
Broccoli florets
Cherry tomatoes
Scallions

First things first, you need to hide the evidence. Toss all wrappers and sweep up all crumbs before innocent children, still reeling from hauling in so much candy, realize you've eaten it all. In future, remember the Mommy Tax on Halloween candy is 10%. No more. You've got to replace all of it, so head out to the store. Realize you'll have to buy one of every kind of bag, even disgusting circus peanuts, because your child has written a complete inventory of their loot and will know exactly what is missing. This is going to leave you with a lot of leftover candy, so eat some in the car.

Start with the peanut butter cups, and nibble around the chocolate, saving the peanut butter centers. Do this enough times until you have one half cup of peanut butter. Put it in a bowl. Add two teaspoons of soy sauce, three minced cloves of garlic, three tablespoons of cider vinegar, don't use the rancid cider you bought when pumpkin picking now festering in the back of the fridge, it's not the same thing. Sprinkle in some crushed red pepper.

Boil some salted water and put some linguini in to cook. Log in to WeightWatchers.com and sign yourself up for a membership, because you've got a lot of candy in the house and you can not be trusted with it, lady. Scoop half a cup of the pasta water out, and mix it with the peanut sauce. When the pasta has about a minute left to cook, drop in your broccoli florets. Drain the pasta and broccoli, mix it with the sauce and top with halved cherry tomatoes, scallions and candy corn.

No Friends on Halloween Evil Spirit Pumpkin Bombe

2011-10-24T12:55:00.000-04:00

Dear Reader,

Halloween, like New Year's Eve, your birthday, and basically every other holiday, can be a real bummer. Especially if nobody has invited you to a party because you don't have any friends. Loneliness is scarier by far than zombies, vampires, and girls who wear normal clothes but stupid cat ear headbands. This Evil Spirit Pumpkin Bombe can help ease the pain.

No Friends on Halloween Evil Spirit Pumpkin Bombe

You will need:

8 inch bowl
2 pints pumpkin ice cream
1 pint maple walnut ice cream
1 pound cake
Brandy
Oreos
Television

Check mailbox to see if any bars or restaurants are hosting singles nights within a 50 mile radius of your house. They are not, of course, because Halloween is a night to get dressed up and drunk with your besties, of which you have none. Place ice creams on the counter to soften. Move large bird cage containing your prized cockatoo, Janice, to get to your crafting trunk. Underneath the patterns for the adorable overalls you made out of gingham denim, and the wool you dyed and boiled yourself, find the costume you have been working on for seven months. Lament that nobody will get to appreciate the fine needlework on your Mary Todd Lincoln Inaugural gown. Spoon pumpkin ice cream into the bowl, spreading it out so that it forms an even layer the shape of the bowl, and place in the freezer. Put on the Mary Todd Lincoln gown and stand in front of the mirror to have a conversation with yourself about the merits of Mary Todd Lincoln, how she supported her husband in spite of having brothers in the Confederate Army, how she suffered from raging headaches and debilitating depression, how she tried to leap out of a window to escape from an imaginary fire, how she always dressed like a little baby even when she was a grown woman! Take off the costume when the pain of never being able to share how fun it is to talk about Mary Todd Lincoln with anybody becomes unbearable.

Slice a pound cake into half inch layers, and pour on the brandy, as if you were Mary Todd, oh never mind, just poor it on like it's gasoline and you're going to set the house on fire. Squash the pound cake into the bowl so that it makes a layer just inside the pumpkin ice cream, like the layer under your skin where your scabies live. Now scoop the maple walnut ice cream into the middle of the bowl, packing it in tight like you do your cankles into your Timberland work boots. Place in the freezer. Make a list of the reasons why people should want to be friends with you, starting with your collection of heirloom beans and seeds, and ending with how you have committed the entirety of James Fenimore Cooper's Leatherstocking Tales to memory, with puppets to match. Remove bombe from freezer, dip bowl in hot water to loosen, and tip onto a plate. Break Oreos into triangle shapes to fashion the bombe into a jack-o-lantern. Realize he looks like he's laughing at you. Eat him whole while making growling and groaning noises. Watch television with Janice, like always.

Something New and Exciting to do with Your Food

2011-10-19T14:00:00.000-04:00

Dear Reader,

I'm always up for learning new tricks. Here are two that will BLOW YOUR MIND. Someone alert the MacArthur Foundation, cause these dudes are geniuses.

Here is something that I wrote.

2011-10-18T11:17:00.000-04:00

You might want to wait till after lunch to read this piece on The Hairpin, written by me.

Adventures in Booty Holes: The Story of the Botched Colonic.

99% Cavalcade of Cabbage

2011-10-18T10:59:00.004-04:00

Dear Reader,

In these times of economic woe, it is good to take a cue from our grandparents and great grandparents - unless yours were very very wealthy, in which case you can suck it. My great grandfather worked in a steel mill in Indiana. He lived, with his wife and four children, in a one bedroom apartment in what was called, "Company House," sort of like a dormitory for the steel workers. This was during the depression, and so my grandmother started working at age five to help support her family. She woke early to pick onions on a farm before school. When the farmer saw how industrious she was, he told her she could hire her sister to help out. Her sister, my great aunt Anne, was three. My grandmother let her sleep in the field and just hurried to pick more onions. There wasn't much food for them, but being Ukrainian, they had a deep appreciation for cabbage. My grandmother could do as much with cabbage as Bubba could do with shrimp . And one cabbage would sometimes feed them for several days. So I will here give you three uses for cabbage, besides the obvious stuffing your bra with the leaves to relieve engorged nipples.

Happy Happy Cole Slaw

This is a good one and can be varied. You can use any kind of cabbage you want for these. I love Savoy because it's so pretty, but I can't always find it. Basically shred your cabbage - not the whole thing unless you're feeding all the neighbors, use about one third. Add some sliced onion and diced pineapple. My grandmother used to use canned pineapple and it was fine. Toss it all together with simple white vinegar that you probably have left over from that time you wanted to dye Easter eggs, and some olive oil, salt and pepper. If you're feeling fancy you can add in some chopped jicama and some avocado. I love this cole slaw inside a taco or fajita, and in fact had exactly that last night for dinner. Yum.

Good Enough For Guests Cabbage

This will become one of your favorites, I promise. Unless it doesn't. Shred another third of your cabbage. In a large pan, melt some butter and toss in a handful of cumin seeds. You can also use caraway, but as you must know by now, I love cumin. When you can smell the cumin wafting from the pan, throw in the cabbage, salt and pepper, and saute until nice and soft. Squeeze on some lime and serve. This would go nicely with some sort of Germany sausage like Bratwurst, or plain ole hot dogs.

Post Modern Saurkraut

My own grandma's recipe for saurkraut, not at all authentic, but really tasty. Shred the last third of that cabbage and put it in a pot. Pour in a healthy squeeze of ketchup. Toss in some chopped apples, some onion, a small fistful of caraway seeds, and about two tablespoons of brown sugar and some salt. Cover and cook over low heat until everything is soft and blended together. If it starts to stick to the pan, you can add water or if you have it, some cider. This also goes well with hot dogs, but is perfect with kielbasa, which also comes in a not-too-bad vegetarian version, if that's your thing.

Erm...

2011-10-13T20:30:00.002-04:00

Here's something funny I saw today, and in case you are wondering, I was absolutely looking for this recipe. Linda T needs to find a better restaurant.

I'm in Business!

2011-10-03T12:12:00.000-04:00

Dear Reader,

How adorable is Claire in her Dorothy Parker Onesie?!?! Doesn't it make you want to buy one? Look at me getting all crafty and selling shit on Etsy! Is there a better baby gift available? I doubt it. ;)

Click here to see my new shop on Etsy!

Iranian Insanity Kabab

2011-09-23T15:28:00.002-04:00

Dear Reader,

The country of Iran has been in the news quite a bit this week. First they released those hikers, which was good news. I have always wondered about those kids, not that they were spies, but just sort of stupid, because there are so very many beautiful places for hiking, like

Yellowstone National Park

Lucerne, Switzeraland

Bled, Slovenia

I just simply can not fathom why, when there are so many beautiful places in the world, you would choose to hike along the

Iran/ Iraq border.

Nevertheless, I am glad those crazy kids are coming home! Then there's this crazy kid:

I mean, he's nuts, right? For most people, if they spoke in front of the U.N. - or any other audience, and that audience collectively stood and walked out, it would be a nightmare! But he loves it.

I will tell you something, Iran may be a dangerous place for a vacation, and their leader is a madman, but their food is delicious. I should know, having lived there as a child. My school notebooks were filled with doodles of chelo kebab, which looks an awful lot like poop. So today, not exactly in honor of Iran, but in spite of it, I offer you Chelo Kabab. Yum.

You will need:

1 lb. ground lamb

1/2 large onion

Small pinch saffron

Butter

Puree the onion in a food processor and push through a strainer. What you're trying to do is make onion juice. Onion juice should not be confused with orange juice and served as a breakfast drink, but might taste delicious if included gingerly in a martini. Grind up the saffron and dissolve it in the onion juice. Mix all this with the meat and cover with plastic wrap to marinate in the fridge for at least one hour. Pack lamb onto skewers in the shape of poop, and grill, brushing with butter as the kababs cook. Serve with grilled onions and tomatoes and Iranian rice, which you can learn to make by watching this guy's video, which is the simplest way I've ever seen of making it, that does not involve a delivery menu.

Overextended Carrots

2011-09-20T10:20:00.001-04:00

Dear Reader,

Now that we're fully back into the swing of things with the cooler weather, the after school activities, the homework, and all the other nonsense and annoyances which seem to comprise my life these days, it's hard to be creative at dinner time. Right? Also I'm so frazzled that cooking up some elaborate side dish seems totally beyond the scope of my super powers. But don't worry, because I have for you a recipe which can go on the side of just about anything. It's delicious, it's inexpensive, you've probably got all the ingredients already, and even my kids loved it. People of the internet, I would like for you to meet my Overextended Carrots. Enjoy.

Overextended Carrots

You will need:

Baby carrots (1/2 bag)
Vegetable broth
Orange Juice
Cumin
Salt and Pepper
Butter

Root around in the back of the fridge, or empty out the kids' lunch boxes to find forgotten and passed over baby carrots. Stick these in steamer basket in a pan of water and cover. Take the time to find a lid for the pot - do not use whatever is closest, as many things, (newspaper, towels, homework folders, laptops) are flammable or would otherwise not be able to stand up to the heat of a stove. In a small sauce pan, heat 1/2 cup vegetable broth, 1/4 cup orange juice, 1 tsp. ground cumin, or more if you are madly in love with cumin, as I am, salt and pepper. Let this simmer away until it is as syrupy as my favorite video on the YouTubes. Prepare the rest of the meal, whatever that might be. Roast chicken, grilled Tilapia, Hot Pockets, it's really no concern of mine, I'm just here for the carrots. When the sauce has reduced, float in 1/2 tsp butter. Remove carrots from pan and put them in a bowl. Drizzle on sauce, and eat while sitting at a table, preferably with a napkin on your lap. Enjoy while not thinking about the fifteen million things you did not get done today that you will try (and most likely fail) to get done tomorrow.

Stupid Stories for Children: Three Little Pigs

2011-09-17T18:19:00.000-04:00

This is how my daughter entertains us at dinner. Enjoy.

#@!#& Snack Week: Friday

2011-09-16T21:41:00.000-04:00

Friday

So what do you eat when you make about a million raspberry bars and half the kids don't touch them? They'd rather have left-over pretzel rods? I'll tell you: raspberry bars and a super large vodka tonic. I guess this answers my question as to whether my bars are as good as my friend's. Cheers.

#@!#& Snack Week: Thursday

2011-09-15T21:03:00.003-04:00

Thursday

I have a friend who makes the most delicious raspberry bars known to mankind. Yesterday I begged her for the recipe, knowing that I was going to bake something for my daughter's class. But even knowing how very much in love with her raspberry bars I am, she would not fork over her recipe. Well. I. Never. Actually I completely understand, however I took this as a CHALLENGE. I would make my own raspberry bars, goddammit. And that is what I did.

I started with a shortbread crust. I can make shortbread. My grandmother was from Scotland, and just about the only thing she could make was shortbread, so that's a cinch. In my food processor, I dumped 2 1/2 cups of flour, 2/3 cup sugar and 1/2 tsp (sort of heaping, almost). I blitzed for a few seconds, then dropped in two sticks of unsalted butter cut into cubes. I pulsed this for about 40 pulses until it was grainy, and able to be pinched together. I scooped out 1 1/4 cups of this sugary grainy flour and put it in a separate bowl. Next, I lined a 13x9 inch baking pan with foil, greased it up, and pressed the shortbread into the pan, and let her cook at 375 for about 17 minutes until she was nice and golden brown on the edges. Shortbread, done.

Here you see the shortbread crust mid-way through being pressed into the pan.

Then I mixed 3/4 cup raspberry jam with a half pint of fresh raspberries, and sort of squashed the fresh berries into the jam because nobody wants great big globs of fruit in their delicate raspberry bars. To this berry mush I added some fresh lime juice, squeezed from half of an extremely juicy lime. If you are using a dryish lime, then go for the whole thing, or taste it to see how limey you like it.

This picture is not a badly drawn parallelogram. You can't tell, but that is my stove on the right.

Now for the crumb topping. Normally I like almonds in a crumb topping. Or pistachios, if I'm feeling fancy. And if I am being totally over the top, 'who does she think she is?!' I mix marzipan in there. Oh, I know. It's totally crazy. But there's this nut issue. So I used pumpkin seeds. I blitzed half a cup in the processor, then added them to the flour with 1/2 cup of oats (the old fashioned kind) and 1/4 cup of brown sugar. My mother used to call brown sugar "Brown Hoo Ha," and one of my earliest memories is of her standing on the counter, gnawing on a hardened piece of said Hoo Ha that she kept in a high cupboard so that my brother and I couldn't reach it. Chic c'est la vie!

Pumpkin seeds to save the day!!! Since I used pumpkin seeds a.k.a. pepitas, and lime, can these bars be heretofore known as Mexican Raspberry Bars? Maybe not.

I mixed this stuff up, and when the shortbread was ready, slathered on the raspberries, then topped with the crumb mix. Baked for about 24 minutes, then let it rest for an hour, or as long as it took me to pick the kids up from school and take them to their after school activities. I swear, if I added up all the time I have spent waiting outside various ballet classes, swimming lessons, gymnastics and Kumon, it would total about four years. Anyhow, when I got home, I cut them into squares, and as I made two batches, we got to eat some!

The verdict? These bars are delicious. Do they match up to my friend's raspberry bars? It doesn't really matter, does it? The important thing is that I am no longer dependent on someone else to provide me with raspberry bars, cause I can make them my own self. Not that I wouldn't be really really really thrilled if my friend would make me some of hers soon. Real soon.

Will the kids like them tomorrow? My daughter assured me that they would - if I also sent in some whipped cream.

#@!#& Snack Week: Wednesday

2011-09-14T21:47:00.001-04:00

Wednesday

Today the kids ate the rest of the yucky pretzel rods, and the cookies - nobody had to bust out their epi pen, so that's a good thing. This afternoon I really planned to bake something, I swear I did. But I hurt my back and am trying very hard not to move too much, so that's not happening. Don't worry I didn't hurt my back so badly that I won't be able to lift the magnum of vodka out of the freezer and pour myself a large cocktail now that the kids are in bed. I bought the snack for tomorrow, and it is a healthy one to make up for the cookies that I'm sure the teacher was not exactly thrilled about (sorry Caitlin). Tomorrow is hummus, carrots, and I was thinking to buy pitas and chop them into cute little triangles, but I found these, which are super cute all on their own!

I'm sure the kids would like them more if they were stuffed with M&M's, but they're going to have to settle for chick peas.

Here is something else that's cute:

#@!#& Snack Week: Tuesday

2011-09-13T21:07:00.003-04:00

Tuesday

Today I got a free pass, as the kids had the Pirate's Booty that I dropped off yesterday. AND, if that's not enough to make a mom smile, the cookies passed inspection, so that takes care of tomorrow! I'm feeling like a bit of a whiner that I was making such a big deal out of snack week, and I was almost finished with my duties on Monday. So, just to even things out, I am going to actually make something for snack on Thursday and Friday. I know you're saying, "Heather, don't make us wait until Thursday to see what you are bringing for snack! We will die of anticipation by then!" But remember, if I'm making something to bring to school on Thursday morning, I'm going to have to bake, or otherwise prepare, the snack tomorrow night, because the type of person who gets up at four to bake is not the type of person that I am. In the meantime, check out this totally awesome video I found on the YouTubes. Enjoy!

Eat Your Feelings

The I Love America Diet

Egged in the Head Chocolate Chiffon Pie

Phew.

Running on a Fantasy of French Toast

Fancy French Cuisine for Ass Kickers

Mother of the Year Cookies

It's My Birthday! Hooray!

You WILL Please Everyone Perfect Get Stuffed Stuffing

Edward Cullen's Pumpkin Pie

Ingredients

Instructions

Caramel Apple Pie For When You've Got Something to Prove

Estranged Family Cranberry Sauce

You Ate All the Halloween Candy After the Kids Went to Bed Linguini with Peanut Sauce

No Friends on Halloween Evil Spirit Pumpkin Bombe

Something New and Exciting to do with Your Food

Here is something that I wrote.

99% Cavalcade of Cabbage

Erm...

I'm in Business!

Iranian Insanity Kabab

Overextended Carrots

Stupid Stories for Children: Three Little Pigs

*#@!#*& Snack Week: Friday

*#@!#*& Snack Week: Thursday

*#@!#*& Snack Week: Wednesday

*#@!#*& Snack Week: Tuesday

#@!#& Snack Week: Friday

#@!#& Snack Week: Thursday

#@!#& Snack Week: Wednesday

#@!#& Snack Week: Tuesday