Marinated? In what?

It’s not often that ELV has such a bad experience in a restaurant, he rushes to his computer to tell you about it.

Usually, the worse the meal, the more he feels compelled to take a day or two ruminating over his repulsion before writing of his repugnance.

But our fourth try at Petra just confirmed every awful thing we’ve thought and said about it since the day it opened.

The owners have obviously spent a lot of money on this joint — it is the very embodiment of a big, expensively decked-out restaurant — but just as obviously haven’t a clue about Greek food.

And neither does the kitchen.

The souvlaki appetizer ($8), boasts of “marinated…with lemon juice, olive oil and spices,” but discerning any marinated  flavor in  these cooked kebabs is all but impossible.

Even worse, the meze “Sampler” of four spreads ($18) of your choice brought a “skordalia” dip that looked like an ice cream scoop of cold, chunked potatoes, and tasted like it had been infused with that sweet, slightly acrid, chopped garlic you buy by the gallon at Smart & Final.

Come to think of it, the whole menu here tastes of cheap, pre-made, Costco or Smart & Final flavors.

After that “skordalia” there was a scoop of Htipiti — which at least tasted of feta and red peppers — followed by Melitzanosalata, described on the menu as “fire roasted eggplant whipped with garlic and spices.”  What arrived was another ice cream scoop of loosely chopped, indifferently-seasoned eggplant that any third-rate home cook could’ve tossed together. The only flagellation this dip has ever seen was the flogging ELV did to himself for ordering it.

Then came the “taramosalata” coup de grace. We say “taramosalata” because that’s what we ordered, but as we pondered the appearance and flavor on the plate we couldn’t figure it out. By process of elimination that had to be the final spread we were given, but this one tasted neither of fish roe, potatoes or softened bread crumbs. No roe was visible within it, and the whole concoction contained not the expected graininess from those ingredients, but instead that of a silky, bland, emulsion.

Our conclusion was it had to be a cheap, commercially processed taramosalata, made with a minimum of roe and a maximum of emulsifiers.

Which, again, sadly, fits the flavor profile of just about everything you will have here.

What really got our Kasseri up, though, were the puny, rice-filled dolmathes ($7) — which probably cost this kitchen 7 cents to make. They tasted like a novice cook wrapped bland rice in a slightly lemony grape leaf and were made with all the passion of a Louis C. K.  sex scene.

On the bright side, they give you tons of soft, squishy pita bread with everything…so there’s that.

The reason ELV gets soooo cheesed off at the pathetic-ness of this place is because of what it represents.

Here is a big, splashy restaurant that could be our town’s showplace for the best of Greek cuisine — it certainly looks like it is — but instead, what shows up isn’t even on par with Yasou, The Fat Greek, The Great Greek, Opa, or even Paymon’s fer chrissakes.

It isn’t just disappointing, it’s embarrassing.

Our food bill was $35 and we left a $15 tip because the bartender was a sweetie.

PETRA GREEK TAVERNA

440 South Rampart Blvd.

Las Vegas, NV 89145

702.534.0200

http://www.facebook.com/PetraGreekTaverna

My dinners have never interfered with my business. They have been my recreation…A public banquet (dinner), if eaten with thought and care, is no more of a strain than a dinner at home. – Chauncey DePew (1834-1928)

Dining out is a vice. A dissipation of spirit punished by remorse. – Cyril Connolly, The Unquiet Grave (1944)

Why should so vast a national expenditure be left entirely to chance? – Duncan Hines, Adventures in Good Eating (1936)

This morning’s theme was “Steak For the Ladies” — our take on steakhouses with a certain feminine touch.

This doesn’t mean the meat is any less manly, only that you won’t necessarily smell bullwhips and testosterone the moment you walk in the joint.

Many thanks to the good folks at Gordon Ramsay Steak for providing the most eye-popping, heart-stopping, cholesterol-saturated props ever seen in the KSNV studio.

As usual, you’ll have to scroll down to the 26:42 minute mark of the video above to behold the meat-fest we were surrounded by early this morning.

STEAKS FOR THE LADIES

1. GORDON RAMSAY STEAK – Paris Hotel and Casino

2. STRIP HOUSE – Planet Hollywood (Stay tuned for our updated review of SH coming soon!)

3. PRIME – Bellagio

4. SW STEAKHOUSE – Wynn

5. STK - The Cosmopolitan

Crassostrea gigas

ELV is not a fan of giant oysters — preferring the smaller, brinier, crisper taste of Belons, Kumamotos, Olympias (and smaller Wellfleets) to the larger Gulf Coast and Blue Point varieties.

But one bite of this Washington State beauty had us hooked. Mainly because they slice it into nice, bite-size sections for dipping into the house ponzu sauce here.

Thus does it become firm, instead of an unwieldy, slimy mess, and perfect for bracing your appetite for the sushi/sashimi treats to come.

They only offer these as a special when they can get them — and there’s usually just a few of them in the house — so get to Kabuto early and ask for availability.

They cost $12 each (if memory serves — there was a lot of sake involved).

Just thought you’d like to know.

KABUTO

5040 Spring Mountain Road #4

Las Vegas, NV 89146

702.676. 1044

If you don’t love life you can’t enjoy an oyster; there is a shock of freshness to it and intimations of the ages of man, some piercing intuition of the sea and all its weeds and breezes. – Eleanor Clark, The Oysters of Locmariaquer (1964)

A flaccid, moping, debauched mollusk, tired from too much love and loose-nerved from general world conditions, can be a shameful thing served raw upon the shell. – M. F. K. Fisher, Consider the Oyster (1941) — on why you shouldn’t eat oysters in the warm weather months.

Chicken and waffles

ELV ate at Hash House a Go Go the other day.

He does not know why he did this nor why he is telling you about it.

But indeed, he ate there.

Lunch, as a matter of fact.

With Troy Polee. (Troy Polee paid.)

TP had the chicken and waffles. ELV had the chorizo hash.

That chicken and waffles was a bit bread-y for our tastes (i.e., not crispy enough), but otherwise decent, well-seasoned and juicy.

It came on a slab of waffles with the bacon strips cooked inside the waffle.

This puzzled ELV.

Because the bacon made the waffle hard to eat and the waffle made the bacon impossible to eat.

Or was it the other way around?

Regardless, there is a certain low-born charm to the dish, which made us understand why such gastronomic titans as Adam Richman and Rachel Ray are so fond of it.

Martha Stewart, on the other hand, remains a puzzlement. (Perhaps her time in the hoosegow gave her an appreciation for more plebian vittles?)

If so, she may have appreciated our chorizo hash — a big chunky hash of Mexican chorizo, smothered in melted cheese of no particular breeding, and served atop a mound of giant, cubed potatoes.

Both dishes cost around $13 apiece and both could’ve easily fed two adults.

Both came reassuringly with the obligatory big sprig of rosemary thrust into them — a fact which comforted ELV.

Because it’s nice to know the hoi polloi have somewhere to overeat that prepares decent food to order.

And it’s nice to know that some things never change.

Rachel and Martha still don’t know what they’re talking about.

HASH HOUSE A GO GO

6800 West Sahara Ave.

Las Vegas, NV 89146

702.804.4646

www.hashhouseagogo.com/vegas/

Take one of, if not the, most influential French chefs of our time, marry him to an American/Korean bride with a passion for the food of her birthplace, and presto-change-o, you have the ultimate fusion lunch.

That’s just what the Vegas Uncork’d participants got last weekend at Prime — in a setting so beautiful it’s a bloody shame they don’t use it for lunch more often.

Between questions about their marriage (mostly having to do with who cooks what) Marja Vongerichten and hubby Jean-Georges Vongerichten dazzled diners with a three-course lunch blending the best of both cuisines.

Neophytes to Korean got a lesson in pan chan, while steak lovers got to experience melt-in-your-mouth Kobe rib eye marinated “bulgogi” style. All matched with wines that brought out the best in all that spicing. (German Riesling, started things off (natch) followed by a spicy pinot noir, finishing with an Inniskillin Vidal dessert wine that blew everyone away with its ability to mute some of the fruit’s infamous tartness.)

Marja — she of PBS’s Kimchi Chronicles — told the emotional story of re-connecting with her birth mother and the foods of her homeland, years after she’d been adopted and raised in America. We also learned that famous French chefs don’t do a good j0b of cleaning up after themselves at home.

JGV also opined (in response to our question) that eating fresh and local was not only “the next big thing” but one destined to leave a permanent mark on the world’s restaurant scene.

All told, it was one of those “only in Vegas” moments that Uncork’d is known for, and another example of why we have the most unique restaurant scene in the world.

PRIME

In the Bellagio Hotel and Casino

3600 Las Vegas Blvd. South

Las Vegas, NV 89109

702.693.6584

www.bellagio.com/restaurants/prime-steakhouse.aspx

The hardest thing about being on a diet is shutting up about it. – ELV

I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks. – Totie Fields

With the whitest guy you know leading the way.

Click here for details and to register.

What’s that we said about all Vietnamese food tasting alike?

All it took was one look and bite of these beauties to to disabuse us of that notion.

Unlike too many other versions, these are wrapped to order — not too tight and not too loose — in delicate rice paper that barely holds the rice vermicelli, roasted pork, shrimp and veggies inside.

The slightly sweet tamarind dipping sauce is a big plus too, and beats the pants off the peanut/nước chấm sauce that usually accompanies these summer rolls. Or Spring rolls. Or salad rolls.

ELV isn’t quite sure what the proper nomenclature is, but does know this is the best version he’s had of these tasty little packages anywhere on or near Spring Mountain Road.

Best of all, a complete order, more than enough for two to share, only costs $7.

Just thought you’d like to know.

PHO 87

3620 South Jones Blvd.

Las Vegas, NV 89103

702.233.8787